This tweet sums up last night as a whole. It is NEVER necessary for the Bachelor to be 3 hours long, especially not when it’s the worst season that’s ever aired on TV. And while I’m ranting, WTF APRIL?! HAVE YOUR G-D BABY. Three weeks is FAR too long for us all to watch you eat hay, shit and nap (see Corinne, giraffes nap too!) GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD.

But anyway, let’s pick up with Raven who high fives strangers and skips around Finland to a poppy soundtrack after she O’s. Or that’s what the producers would like us to believe. There’s no WAY Nick got the job done. And while we’re on the topic of Nick, let’s discuss how stupid he looks in a winter hat. With the baby hairs sticking out the front and the way it sits half on/half off his head, he looks like a real wiener. These girls have to be drying up just at the sight of winter Nick.

Rachel

Rachel is falling in love with Nick but cannot be trusted with her judgement because she’s wearing a crop top in Finland. Rachel asks Nick, “ do you know where you stand with me?” and Nick says “not entirely” so they’re really in sync as a couple. She tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him and he says 100% samesies. No seriously, he used the FULL percentage in reciprocation. Seems like a pretty dumb thing to do with someone that you’re OBVIOUSLY sending home. So he’s continuing his streak of blind sighting girls. They spend the night togets and obv Rachel makes herself vulnerable (wink, wink). She also doesn’t take her choker off when she sleeps which is CRAZY. Who can sleep in a choker? These are the biggest things I took away from this date. Penguin onesie and CHOKER.

Vanessa

Vanessa & Nick wear matching icy blue swimwear and do a polar plunge basically in a little pool outside a cabin. Sounds ssssssuper fun. Nick spazzes out all over the joint and looks like an R-worded dinosaur once they get back inside to warm up. Then they do it again. WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF THIS DATE? If anyone ever suggested this as a date to me I’d be outta there. Vanessa’s really getting shafted on this show. Plus she has to look at Nick’s stupid winter hat situation for the entire time. They hit the hot tub to warm up and ask each other if they’ll last after this show. The answer is an obvious no. Nick will not leave this country to live with Vanessa and her tight-wad family. Why? Because he’s proud to be an American. Barf all over me. Now that Nick’s faced with the decision of moving to another country for a girl he doesn’t love, suddenly he’s Uncle Sam. Okkkkk. Shit starts to get too real too quick so Nick keeps telling Vanessa that they’re just too similar, which is a bitch ass way of saying that he doesn’t see a future with her because later on he says hopefully we can “figure it out and accept our differences.” HOW CAN YOU HAVE DIFFERENCES IF YOU’RE SO SIMILAR? HMMMMM, NICK? Riddle me that.

Rose Ceremony

Nick cries big sloppy wet tears because that’s what he does best and sends Rachel packing. Could’ve done without this tearful goodbye, tbh considering we know Rachel will be just fine. She’ll have her tongue in 26 other guys’ mouths in no time. Time and tongueing other men on TV heals all wounds, is what I always like to say.

WOMEN TELL ALL

I’ve always loved the concept of the Women Tell All epi because what could be greater TV than tossing angry, rejected women into one room and then trotting out the man who dumped them? Unfortunately, it can also be a disaster in the form of catty bitches just shouting at each other about one little thing, Housewives reunion style. That was the case this time around with the Taylor vs. Corinne saga. And let me be very clear, I’m #TeamCorinne. Everything else is white noise–like for example Elizabeth and Lacey, who painted on their best faces and showed up ready to yap at every opportunity. Who are either of these ladies? The world may never know.

Hey does everyone remember Liz, who slept with Nick then surprised him on the show and he didn’t remember sleeping with her? Well she took last night as an opportunity to get up on her soapbox to tell everyone that it doesn’t matter who you bang in your past, it shouldn’t define you. Which, like, true, but not necessary to make a feminist manifest over slutty drunk wedding sex. Also, you still have a tattoo that takes up your ENTIRE back. People don’t forget.

Taylor then takes a page out of Liz’s book and declares that people in the helping profession shouldn’t be shamed for helping people. WHAT? Everyone basically boos her off the stage. Corinne gets up mid- Taylor sob sesh to get herself a cold glass of champs. Amen, sistah.

After Corinne is properly hydrated, her and Taylor have a LITERAL battle to the death of who napped and when and how long their nap was and did they have a blanket and I want to drill a hole in my skull. Corinne would just like everyone to know that she was fucking tired. Same, girl. Same. I’m especially tired of Chris Harrison repeatedly asking Taylor why she’s getting emotional and her response being “I’m just so overwhelmed.” Maybe if you didn’t act like such a seaward everyone wouldn’t overwhelmingly hate you. Then the audience is treated to Raquel’s cheese pasta, which spoiler alert: is  just plain pasta with shredded cheese on it. I would’ve put that directly in the trash where it belongs. There’s only one cheese pasta that’s acceptable and it’s called Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (SHAPES ONLY).

Kristina gets the “hot seat” to re-tell her story that we just watched in full in a recap and Liz rips that spotlight away immediately by sobbing in her chair and turning it into another feminist rant. Liz would like us all to stop fighting about naps and think about how Kristina could have been forced into prostitution. Again, valid point but like stfu, Liz. Let Kristina tell her story. We get it, you’re all friends except for Taylor and Corinne and Liz would like us to know that she builds wells in foreign countries instead of sleeping with bachelor contestants at a made for TV wedding. (Don’t think I didn’t notice how you had one of the other girls slide that factoid in, LIZ.)

Finally Lispy comes out IN THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR and Lacey wants to know why he only talked about Josephine when he was with her. WAS HE FRIEND ZONING HER? Lacey, he had no idea who you are, just like the rest of us and if he chose to talk about the girl dressed as Sarah from Hocus Pocus while on a date with you then you need to reevaluate your life.

DLo still isn’t over being dumped and “asks a question” aka just sobs and says it was unfair how Nick broke up with her. I mean, Nick is quite literally the worst at dumping girls but realistically what did these B’s expect? He says sorry (ish) and everyone pets DLo so she stops crying so much.

Rachel comes out and everyone praises her as the new Bachelorette and I actually fell asleep when she was talking. Next season should be F-U-N! Here’s to another 3 hours down the drain next weeeeeekkkkk weeeowwwwweeeowwwwwweeeeeee!

(I think I’m getting Bach delirious.) Also, Rachel if you’re going to be the next Bachelorette you’re going to have to do better than an awkward one sleeve dress. PUH-LEASE.