The Bachelor

The Bachelor- House of Criers

 

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This week the ladies are all lounging on the couch in their trendy workout gear and it causes me to wonder if they actually do group yoga in the morning or if like me, they wear workout clothes to trick people into thinking they’ve just exercised. Someone arrives at the house and they’re all like “OMG THAT RUN WAS JUST SO HARD.” “Oh, never mind, it’s just Chris Harrison.” Lauren B, not to be confused with LB (who left last week), gets the date and 3.5 seconds later has perfectly wavy hair and has chosen a sexy but cute outfit. 

“The Sky’s the Limit” with Lauren B.

Ben kicks things right off by saying, “Join me on my magic carpet ride” and I get the creeps. No Ben, just no. They’re going up in a baby plane that does flips and shit. Lauren B might be a flight attendant but apparently she’s the kind that straps in during turbulence and clutches rosary beads because bitch is terrified to be in a plane. But then once she’s up in the air she’s AOK and has the time of her life. Nothing could ruin this date—not even THE MOST AWKWARD KISS ON THIS EARTH. No joke, I shielded my eyes when they did the kiss head jerk several times before making contact. They fly over the bachelor mansion and even though no one can even see them inside the plane, the girls all spontaneously combust with jealousy. The plane touches down in a field that is spacious and empty, except for the hot tub that was conveniently dropped there. I guess Ben’s a real hot tub guy? Lauren B’s like omgggg I don’t even know how this got here?! And then changes into a swimsuit. It turns out they’re better at kissing each other when they’re not squeezed into a toy plane dressed like Snoopy.

snoopy

Back at the mansion, Caila cries and squeals a lot about him going on other dates. I hate that I said I liked her. On the date that Caila isn’t on, Lauren B. reveals that she’s still single because she compares all men to her dad. Sexy. Ben tells a story about how his dad had surgery once. So like, a lot of dad talk for a first date. It wouldn’t be a one on one date if it didn’t end with a singer no one knows the name of performing for them. The two slow dance, and by slow dance I mean stand in front of this singer whose just trying to get a little fame and tongue each other.

“Love is the Goal” with Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Olivia, Jamie, Rachel, Lace, Emily

This date kills two birds with one stone. First, it allows for a “celeb” appearance with two soccer players from Team USA (I don’t know their names, sue me.) Second, it gives the girls who are all passive aggressive AF, an activity for them to be aggressive aggressive toward each other and just look dedicated to the game. This game was essentially made for Olivia, who claims soccer isn’t her thing, yet is out for blood. Literally. Once the girls find out the losing team can’t hang with Ben later, shit gets real, real quick. The stripes team get fired up because they have the least flattering Where’s Waldo uniforms ever, and the stars team has Emily (?) who can take a ball or two to the face. In Olivia’s plan to murder anyone who stands in between her and Ben, she sees that Rachel maybe broke her leg and goes after her to snap it clean off of her body. Team Olivia wins.

Back at the mansion, Jubilee cries about how she’s not Ben’s type and Jojo nods in agreement. (Could there be more crybabies up in this hizouse?) Speaking of whiny hoes, at the group hang, Olivia grabs Ben first and so therefore the rest of the girls talk about her ugly toes and bad breath. It’s only fair. When Olivia returns to the gossiping hags, Jami narcs on them and so ensues the most hilarious guessing game ever to occur. Jami is all; they were talking about some of your physical features. And Olivia is like was it my tree trunk calves? Or my cankles? My wide shark mouth? Don’t ever make a girl guess what is wrong with her…the options could not be more endless.

flaws

Amber gets a rose after finally speaking to Ben for the first time. And smooching him. So unfortunately she’s safe for one more week. Cankles Olivia is obviously offended she didn’t get a rose but reassures America that it’s only politics because according to Ben’s secret cues, they’ve basically already eloped. To be clear, the cue she’s referring to was him pushing off her leg to stand up from the couch. I can’t believe I didn’t know that a leg graze was sign language for “we have a kid on the way, the rest of this show is just a formality.” I need to pay more attention in life.

“Love is in the Air” with Jubilee

Apparently Jubz turns into an awkward bird when she’s nervous and makes sassy jokes. In other words, Jubilee is me. Ben has a helicopter come to the house to pick her up because he’s unoriginal and apparently we can expect all of his dates to have some form of aviation + a hot tub+ an obscure singer/songwriter. Anyway, Jubilee is afraid of heights and jokingly asks if someone wants her date cause she’s wearing white and doesn’t want to shit her pants. Everyone just about crucifies her for that comment because she got a date and they’re all duds with no sense of humor. Jubilee convinces me even more that we’re the same person when Ben feeds her caviar; she promptly spits it out and tells him she prefers hot dogs. I was all for Jubilee until she jokingly calls Ben a white boy, which is fine, but then she decided to dissect it afterward in the hot tub. That made for some realllllll awko taco. I was just trying that one on for size, Jami. I think I hate it.

Later at dinner, they talk about how Jubilee has so many layers and it turns out one of those layers is that her entire family died in Haiti. So like, real dark shit. Ben clearly doesn’t know how to react to this so he caresses her hand a little and tells her she’s gr8. She gets a rose and a seat on his lap. When the rest of the house finds out Jubilee got a rose, they’re really excited for her. NAHT. Lauren H. is shocked and declares, “Ben wants a wife who hangs out with all the other soccer moms.” Congrats on coming off sexist AND a little racist, LH.

Cocktail Hour

The normally upbeat and time-stealing cocktail hour takes a somber turn right off the bat when Ben announces that two of his family friends died that day in a plane crash. Olivia senses that he needs a little comforting and pulls him aside to talk about how much she hates her legs. She takes the empathy route, tears up a little bit and tells him how hard it is to be strong in the face of tragedy. No but seriously, an Emmy for the editor who cut this together because that’s quality TV right there.

Jubilee actually does comfort Ben with a massage. Except oopsie, her act of kindness made all the women in the house hate her 1000 times more and turn into bitchy locker room monsters ready to attack. They claim that she’s flaunting her rose—meanwhile she hasn’t spoken to anyone all night. I see some holes in this theory. Amber beckons Jubilee to come over and get verbally assaulted for doing nothing wrong and Jubz is like aw, hell no and runs away. Ben gets involved because he’s awkward and thinks he can solve drama. In the end, Amber looks like a real asshole and should’ve gotten her rose revoked, and Ben is on Team Jubilee. It’s cute that Ben thinks the drama is all over and ends up walking right into Lace, who I’m guessing if she got more camera time this week, she would’ve been saying this:

cecily

Lace is all tears and has decided to leave because she needs to work on herself. Apparently she hates herself as much as America does. Bye, Lace. It’s been real making fun of you. #Gone2Soon

Roses: Lauren B, Amber, Jubilee, Lauren H. (the soccer mom), Amanda, Becca, Haley, Emily, Rachel, Caila, Jojo, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

Jami turns into the bitter single drunk girl, says she’s going to get a lot of cats and that humans are garbage. “THAT’S WHY IM ALWAYS SINGLE!” she shouts like she just downed a tequila shot at last call and is going home alone. YIIIIIKES, Jami. Famous last words. You could’ve been remembered for making up a mediocre rhyme abbrev that would one day turn into a graphic tee sold at Forever 21 with the taco emoji BUT INSTEAD we’ll always know you as the singleton.

Update: That was really naive of me to think that this wasn’t already a tee. And that it’s even more unfunny when printed and mass distributed for sorority girls to wear because they ❤ Chipotle. Oh, god. There’s so many dumb variations. Be better, America.

 

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The Bachelor- Catching Flies

CAILA, BEN HIGGINS, KEVIN HART

Ben is suuuuper nice to everyone and caring and a gent. He also has the self-confidence of a crack-whore. Enough is enough. This guy is man candy and has a killer personality. If I have to hear the unlovable shtick one more time, I’m going to climb into Olivia’s gaping mouth and never resurface.

Group Date 1: Horny in High School

Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, Lace

The date objective is to put the girls through high school again and make sure it’s sexual and suggestive. Duh. First up? Make Ben’s volcano explode. Jubilee is stuck with Lace, who she fondly refers to, as Lacey, and they both haven’t quite figured out what makes a volcano tick. They’re eliminated first (which fuels Lace’s hate fire.) Step two is bobbing for apples or I guess drowning in a fish tank with your mouth open. Can’t say I’ve bobbed for apples since I was six but this was an atrocious display of the sport. I don’t think your face needs to be submerged in the water to get the job done, ladies. The placing states on a map part is no joke. I can’t even make fun of how dumb the girls are because I 100% don’t know geography and would probably be the one to put Indiana sideways and count it as a new state like Becca and JoJo. The latter portions of the day are for athletic ability and unfortunately Mandi pulls out the W with a barefoot hurdles display. The less screen time we get of her, the better, really. Amber’s pezzed she’s runner up. Spoiler alert: Amber is pezzed this whole ‘sode. Cause she doesn’t belong on this show. But more on that later.

That night, Becca plays the cool girl routine and shoots some hoops with him in a tight lace dress. I almost wanted to date Becca after this. They touch all up on each other’s hands but surprisingly Jennifer gets the first smooch. NeWsFlAsH: Ben is an awkward bird when it comes to initiating kisses. This should be fun. It also turns out Lace just sounds like she’s drunk all the time. She slurs about how her and Ben are eye-banging as she white-knuckles his hand. Jubilee interrupts to talk about how she lived in an orphanage once and is rewarded for “opening up” with some kisses. To be clear, Lace never gets kissed. She does prove that she’s probably on mood stabilizers though, when she begins every sentence for the rest of the evening with “I’m not crazy.” You’re not hot enough to get away with this, Lace.

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My girl JoJo gets the rooftop time with Ben and they mack all up on each other. Ben does this thing where he grabs at her back skin while he’s slow dancing/gazing at her and it’s real woof. Stick to the small of her back, Ben. JEEZE. Ben must’ve enjoyed his grip on her spine because he gives her a rose.

One-on-Ride Along: Caila

Ride Along 2 needs all the publicity it can get and therefore Ice Cube and Kevin Hart sponsor this date. They cruise on over to the liquor store so Ben can get some Hennessy and condoms. JK he’s straight outta Hoosiers so he probably just gets a 6 pack of Zima to Ice’s disappointment. There’s some hot tub times with Kevin Hart’s junk and a verrryyy uncomfy giggle from Ben and finally they cut loose from their network obligations. At their dinner later, Ben tells Caila that she made that promotional bit that counted as her date, rly fun. (To be clear: Kevin & Ice could not have been less funny if they tried.) Anyway, Caila tells the story about how she met her last boyfriend on a plane and then they ran into each other in Boston. #Fate. I lived in Boston for a year and never saw the same person in public twice so like I call bullshit. BUT it didn’t work out because their meet-cute was better than the actual relationship. Surprisingly, I don’t think Caila is a total moron and therefore I’m fine with her getting a rose. What I’m not fine with is the fact that they hired the guy whose song was once in an AT&T commercial to give them a private concert. This same commercial drove me bananas for as long as they ran it. I guess Amos Lee gets Ben all hot and bothered though because he sighs a lot and serenades Caila while they slow dance.

 

Group Date 2: Hope You Don’t Have Your Period (S/O to Lindsey)

Emily, Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, Amanda

Hey want to make girls feel like they’re dirt? Tell them they smell sour. Thaaaat’s the technology of Looooooveeeee! The girls, dressed in white booty shorts and camis, are tested by REAL “doctors” to see if they have chemistry with Ben. After he sticks his nose all up in their bits and searches for other adjectives for “sweet” to describe their funk, he pairs off with each chick in bed for some questionable heat-sensory tests. The “doc” tells Ben and Shush to put their hands on each other’s hearts. A twin exclaims, “HE PUT HIS HAND ON HER BOOB!” Really? You mean to tell me neither of these twins has told a guy to feel how fast her heart is beating just to get a boob grab outta the deal? Amateur hour. Turns out Sam stinks AND has the lowest compatibility, Olivia has the highest. She also quotes Charlie Sheen and won’t shut her big wide trap.

Now seems like an ideal time to address this week’s elephant in the room, or rather, gigantic face hole. Olivia apparently thinks it’s cute and fun to drop her jaw to the ground as her reaction to everything. It results in me feeling like I need to run for cover to escape her engulfing the world. It’s only been one episode of this shit and I already want someone to stick their finger in there and teach her a lesson.

Ben tries his best when he sticks his tongue in there. I imagine it gets lost in the cave that is Olivia’s mouth but whatever. We also learn that Shush came to this country with some bottles of vodka and the American dream. Samantha smells like passion fruit instead of sour vag—According to Ben hitting the spin zone to redeem himself for his earlier comments. And lastly, everyone has pictures of their dogs in the house and Amanda doesn’t even have pictures of her kids. This is concerning. Not to Ben cause he kisses her. He’s into moms enough to mention that he loves that she has kids but then when faced with the rose decision gives it to Olivia because boners.

Cocktails/Rose Ceremony:

Okay so this is where we learn that Amber sucks and does not belong on this show. She’s a normal person. She’s not aggressive or fame hungry enough to seek the attention of the Bachelor and therefore she sits in the corner crying about how she never gets any time with Ben. Girl, you did this EXACT THING last season you were on. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Step up your game, walk your chicken legs over to Ben and talk to him or kick rocks. You know who does have the balls to get more face time? Olivia. She drags her open mouth over to catch Ben along with some flies and he greets her like he’s stuck in a 1997 Budweiser commercial.

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Then it’s Lace vs. Olivia in the battle of manipulative minds. Lace finally snags Ben cause she’s convinced herself and everyone else that she’s never spoken to him and promptly tells him a fascinating story about how she used to look like this:

roseanne

Obviously she cries after because she’s the worst at flirting and definitely gave him a nice boner kill with that image. Ben gives Lauren B. a 4×6 of them that a producer had printed at Wal-Mart “to make her feel really special.” And lastly, Ben calls Amanda over to make some rose barrettes for her daughters that she doesn’t have photographic evidence of. What a sweetie. I guess he’s not LB’s type, though, because when he calls her out at the rose ceremony she says no thank you and heads home. Out of all the girls I wish would do this LB was pretty much dead last on the list. Three cheers for being rid of Mandi though!

Roses: JoJo, Caila, Olivia, Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B., Leah, Becca, Rachel, Lace, Jennifer, Emily, Haley, Jami, Lauren H, Shushanna, Amber(who only gets a rose because LB peaced. I think it’s only fair that Amber send a cut of her Bachelor paycheck to LB, weekly.)

Best Quotes:

“I’ve never been this turned on in a high school before.”- JoJo admitting she didn’t used to get horny for school but now…LOOK OUT!

“Jackie is not great with her mouth.” ROUGH.

“I’m not very smart.”-A twin. At least they’re self-aware.

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The Bachelor Premiere- Lace Up

 

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Listen, the first night is always a whirlwind of skinny bitches and glasses of wine being emptied into my mouth and therefore for last night’s episode we will recap by individual until I learn how many Lauren’s we’re actually going to be keeping around.

But first, Ben’s rite of passage as Bachelor: a completely staged and over the top hometown intro. He drives around talking to himself, shows us the crappy movie theater where he first smooched a girl and gets teary-eyed talking about finding love in his future. C’mon Ben. Don’t be the first one to cry. NOT a good look. But Ben’s most important role as Bachelor was being the grand marshal of his high school homecoming game. No seriously, you would’ve thought he was meeting the President with the way he talked about this honor. From what I can tell, he attended a high school football game with a camera crew. LiViN LaRgE. We also get to meet Ben’s parents, who unintentionally were hilarious. His dad is an adorable nerd who talks about how much he loves Ben’s mom and then they cheers, TO LOVE!

 

JubileeJubilee

Jubz is a vet and can absolutely crush me. Her intro consists of her flipping a guy around a bunch of times and she’s basically going to eat Ben alive.

Mandi/Faith from Unreal

Mandi is ALL IN on being the quirky girl. In Portland, she stands in the middle of a guy playing bagpipes and cycling to show us how ZANY she is. Realistically it made me concerned for what goes on in that city. From there we segue into what I can only describe as the first 2 minutes of a shitty porno as she gives an Indian man a gold tooth in her dental office. There are a lot of close-ups on her rack as she does so. Later, at the house, Mandi wears an enlarged red flower on her head. Why? Because she is the “impression rose”. Before Ben even finishes his Welcome speech to the ladies, Mandi snags him away to see if he’s flossing enough. No seriously, she gives him a dental exam. Unfortunately for everyone, she gets a rose.

Twins

Not quite ready to give up on the act that these two women are one individual, the twins play into the charade by being complete assholes that are conjoined. The matching outfits, the talking at the same time, the tandem biking, I mean, COME ON.  Ben’s reaction when he first saw them was, “That’s uh, that’s good.” They’re quick to tell him that they NEVER date the same guy so this is so0ooOo different! Clearly these two will never be separated (mostly because no one can tell them apart), and I applaud the producers for such an outrageous move.

Amanda

Amanda S

Amanda is cute and all but she has two little kids. She’s got a real full plate and she’s on a reality TV show looking for a husband. FuN FaCt: She’s the only mom this season.

Tiara

Tiara

the chicken enthusiast reads bedtime stories to her chickens, kisses them, and has several photos of chickens with a framed photo of Ben in the center. I wouldn’t have put it past her for one second to have a photoshopped picture of her, Ben and the coop. But joke’s on Ben because when she meets him she acts super normal and there is no mention of her fowl fetish. Ben doesn’t even wrinkle his nose at the probable farm stench radiating from her. I got real nervsies that Ben would fall into her trap and then get too far in before she introduced him to her chickens. Luckily, she was sent home and we no longer have to worry about her tucking birds into bed with them each night.

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Samantha

Samantha

REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted a rose. That’s the most I remember about her. It’s funny how the ones that are thirsty AF for a rose are usually the ones where we saw no interaction with the Bachelor.

Lauren B.

Lauren B

I actually like Lauren B. so I’m going to let it pass that her first meeting with Ben consists of her pinning wings on him because she’s a flight attendant and saying, “I Hope you are ready to take off on this journey together.” I’m also jelly of Lauren B. She’s like GREAT at flirting. She giggles a lot and is cute and tiny. Whatever.

Caila

Caila

is probably fine but since I’m a female, it’s important to note that I hate her. Why do I hate her? Because she jumps into Ben’s arms upon exiting the limo and he scoops her up with effortless grace. TALL GIRLS CAN’T DO THAT CUTE SHIT. DAMN YOU, CAILA. It also turns out that they both sell software. So they have like SO much in common. I wonder if they’ll work in the same office and Ben will carry her into work every day…

Jami

Jami

My gal group that I watched the premiere with all agreed that we had a crush on Jami; unfortunately we didn’t get to see her talk at all. Even more unfortunate, we kept referring to her as the bartender. Sarryyy, Jami. Hopefully we get more next week. Also apparently she’s friends with Kaitlyn from last season? Talk about knowing the right people to get a job…

Lace

Lace

Remember when I had a question about if her name was after the fabric or a dumb way to spell Lacey? Problem solved. No one will ever forget Lace again. She’s the resident bitchy slob kebab on night one. Giving dirty looks and talking about how no one is pretty didn’t really make the other girls want to kick it with Lace. Add 100 glasses of wine to this fire and things got a little fuzzy. Lace smooched Ben upon meeting him (in an aggress manner) then while chatting, asks for a better one—Something that is totes ok when you’re wine buzzed. Except Ben’s like hm, better not. Only because he’s a gem and he didn’t want to tongue before getting to know her toxic personality. He even seeks her out again to reiterate this better because they were interrupted and he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. In Lace-Land, this was interpreted as him saying, “people are shady.” Not one to quit while she’s ahead, after getting a rose she takes him aside to point out that she was watching him like a hawk during the ceremony and he didn’t even look at her once. I think I speak for America when I say, go to bed, Lace, you’re drunk.

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Lauren R.

Lauren R

Yikes to Lauren R’s first impression. She reveals how much she stalked Ben over social media (don’t ever reveal that, girls) and has “something special” to show him. That something special is apparently not her name because she never tells Ben what it is. Although, by process of elimination something tells me he landed on the 100th Lauren in the room.

Shushanna

Shushanna

Her entire first convo with Ben is in another language and he thinks her name is Shauna. Hot start.

Leah

Leah

makes it her mission the first night to come off as the “guy’s girl.” She hikes up her dress and tosses him a football obviously accompanied with “I knew you were a catch.” Cause these girls are nothing if not creative. Later on they play catch again and she runs in heels so she’s like rly down to earth and cool and likes sports. AKA she’s a guy’s nightmare to watch football with because she thinks being a fan is shouting a lot to pretend she knows what’s going on, but who am I to judge?

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JoJo

Joelle

I’m a little ashamed that this was one of my frontrunners in the ranking blog because she waltzes out with a unicorn head on. JoJo DEF has plans to wear this mask in the fantasy suite.

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Lauren H.

Lauren H

If I’m not mistaken, and there’s a high chance that I am, this was the Lauren who tossed Ben a bouquet she just caught at a wedding and probably made him want to run away. Apparently she didn’t scare him enough because she got rosed.

Laura

Laura

“My friends call me red velvet” and “He may have not been into redheads” are two of the best quotes that could’ve summed up Laura’s one night existence on The Bachelor. I did feel a little bad that she was Lace’s side bitch all night AND got kicked off. Double punishment.

Maegan

Megan

Everyone knows I was already not loving Maegan the extra vowels cowgirl. Then she went and brought her mini pony to the first night and crossed her fingers it didn’t pee all over the carpet. If we’re being real, I wouldn’t be surprised if Maegan hiked up her skirt and peed on the carpet. She just strikes me as that type of gal.

Isabel

Isabel

All I’ve got written down is that she was wearing a onesie and thus her opening line was, “are you the onesie for me?” Hard pass.

Rachel

Rachel

was my other top pick from the bios, as a fellow unemployed cookie monster and then she went right ahead and rode in on one of those hoverboards. Noooooooooo.

Jessica

Jessica

gets a real long hug and then an immediate second. And she didn’t even need to give Ben any coupons for those! FrontRUNNER.

LB

LB

I don’t think LB got a lot of screen time but she stands out because she seemed normal and basically stole LC’s name so she’s fine for now.

Jackie

Jackie

gives Ben a save the date for their own wedding. DEF not a red flag or anything.

Olivia

Olivia

only has one dimple and gave up her career as a news anchor to find louuurrve. It’s a good thing she gets the first impression rose or else that would’ve been a suuuper dumb decision. Olivia will probz be around for a while.

Breanne

Breanne

is all about that nutrition life and declares Gluten is Satan. She throws a bunch of bread on the ground and I cried real tears. Who wastes a French baguette like that? So rude. Her one-woman hate-show of carbs was all for nothing because Ben doesn’t give her a rose. He just loves pasta too much, probably.

Becca

Becca

Becca doesn’t really need to make a first impression on me because we’ve seen a whole season of her. She’s sweet and pretty and will most likely end up in the finals. I can see Ben and Becca settling down. Unfortunately it doesn’t matter how lovely Becca is because Lace HATES THAT F’ING VIRGIN. No seriously, she said it. A lot. She also spied on Becca and Amber through the door as they chatted with Ben.

Amber

Amber

Once again Amber leaves 0.0 impression on me. The only thing going for her is that she was linked with Becca as they showed up late togets in the “we’ve already been here once” limo. Either way, she gets a rose, because she’s in the Bachelor family and it would’ve been supes rude to keep Becca and not her.

Jennifer

Jennifer

Conducts a heavy discussion about how she looks for men with morals and similar beliefs and she believes she’s found that in Ben. To be clear she knows absolutely nothing about Ben. To be even clearer, her tits are at full attention in the dress she’s wearing and that’s all anyone can focus on, including Ben.

 

ROSES: Lauren B, LB, Caila, Amber, Jami, Jennifer, Jubilee, Amanda, JoJo, Leah, Rachel, Samantha, Jackie, Haley, Emily, Sushanna, Lauren H., Becca, Mandi, Lace

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The Bachelor S20: Ranking the Contestants

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Christmas has arrived, everyone…the Bachelor contestants have been released with their idiotic bios and their Lifetouch yearbook portraits like presents we get to unwrap early! JOY TO THE WORLD! Let’s judge them and predict favorites…

In the spirit of ABC going on it’s 20th season of strangers fighting for a man’s love on camera, they’ve decided they can pretty much do whatever the F they want–as we saw last Bachelorette with the 2 woman showdown for the title. Thus allowing producers to cast two girls we’ve seen before…which seems a whole lot like cheating. Naht my problem these girls didn’t find love the first time…therefore I’ve placed both ladies at the bottom of the list on principle.

Amber, 30

Amber

Amber was on Farmer Chris’s season and was so riveting the first time around that this is what I wrote about her after the premiere:

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Props for getting a colorist but other than that she’s still a bartender and her bio still straight up put me to sleep. Enough is enough, Amber. Please find something else to do with your time and stop coming back for sloppy seconds on this franchise.

Becca, 26

Becca

Obviously Becca made it to the finale with Chris. She’s cute and southern and pure but like other than that…here’s my first impression from Becca last Bachelor season:

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So three cheers for ABC bringing back two boring duds. Out of the two though, I’m leaning toward Becca cause: “Biggest date fear: Having stomach issues and clogging up a toilet, a la Dumb and Dumber.” Lolz, toilet humor.

Tiara, 26

Tiara

The girl named after a crown has only one thing on her mind: CHICKENS. Her occupation is “Chicken Enthusiast”, her guilty pleasure is holding random chickens and she couldn’t live without her chickens. No seriously, she referred to chickens three times. Hey, Tiara, we get it. You’ve got a bird fetish and therefore you’re weird. Get outta here. I also find it lolworthy that she loves touching chickens but IS AFRAID OF DOGS.

Emily, 22

Emily Twin 1

Haley, 22

Haley Twin2

Look I was all for treating these two as separate human beings despite the fact that ABC is using them as a plot twist. But I kid you not, their occupation was listed as “Twin” AND they’re wearing the same shirt in the above photos…therefore they will now be treated as one. These bitches are fresh out of college (assuming they went to college) and looking for a husband. Find your chill. They were cheerleaders in Las Vegas. Bai.

Jessica, 23

Jessica

Jessica is an accountant from Florida and to be honest that’s about all I took from her bio. Snooze city.

Mandi, 28

mandi

I’m sure Mandi’s a great gal but I took one look at this picture and the fact that she describes her “legs for days” and all I could think of is that leggy lesbian Faith from Unreal. And that’s a comparison I’m not ready to overcome.

FaithUnreal

Lace, 25

Lace

I’m not even quite sure how to approach this name. Is it a cute way of spelling Lacy? Is it literally just the fabric Lace? Who knows. What we do know is that via an embarrassing story, we learned that Lace doesn’t know how to flush a toilet. Cause one time she dropped a deuce then invited a guy over and he found it. And they laughed about it apparently. Yeah, ok. First date dumps always lead to a big giggle fest.

 Amanda, 25

Amanda S

Amanda hails from “Rancho Santa Margarita”, which is absolutely a lie you tell a creeper hitting on you when you’re drunk. Oh where am I from? I’m from a little town named Blue Cheese Mimosa. You’ve never heard of it? Weird. Amanda also has two kids. So her vagina is twice ruined and she’s only 25. Lastly she’s wearing her belt over her jeans.

Leah, 25

Leah

Leah twerked in her interview and wants to be a mermaid. Basically she’s doubly unoriginal. And that purple onesie makes her look like Barney. NEXT.

Breanne, 30

Breanne

Breanne took a 30th birthday trip to NYC BY HERSELF. That sounds RLY fun. She’s adapted the Tyra Banks “smize” and her goals for this season of the Bachelor were to become a #PowerCouple with Ben. Everything about Breanne already annoys me. I feel like she’s probably a less hot version of Britt.

Jennifer, 25

Jennifer

Jennifer would choose to be a dolphin for their sex habits…this raises a red flag for me. Her reasoning is because they’re the only animal that has sex for pleasure but all I’m thinking is the fact that dolphins rape each other and people a lot. Do you see how this can be concerning, Jennifer? She also loves tanning in the nude so she’ll have a wild side I’m guessing.

LB, 23

LB

I get that there are roughly 100 Lauren’s this season and LB is probably just trying to differentiate herself but it FEELS a little like she’s stepping on LC’s toes here. LC is a thing. LB isn’t. LB once went on a date in a Nepal jungle (casual) also would want to be a dolphin. What’s the fascination with dolphins here, ladies? (If I’m being less judgmental LB is pretty and seems chill as hell but I’m here to point out the weird stuff first.)

Maegan, 30

Megan

Just like Juelia from last season, people who spell their name like assholes immediately feel my wrath. Unnecessary vowels inconvenience me in recaps. Maegan followed up her silly spelling by being a cowgirl who loves to play grab ass at bars and owns a mini horse that she often kicks it with. She could be hilarious. She also could be wildly obnoxious. We’ll have to see how she toes the line.

Olivia, 23

Olivia

As if you couldn’t tell from this headshot, Olivia is a news anchor. Her guilty pleasure is french fries. A guilty pleasure is watching every holiday movie that Hallmark releases each year. Omg Olivia, it’s so embarrassing that you secretly love french fries.

Caila, 24

Caila

Caila has a tattoo of the Hawaiian islands on her hip. Her ideal amount of children would be 3 because they would fit in her car. Supes practical. She hates guys who swear and that’s why she’s on the lower end of the list. My truck driver mouth doesn’t approve.

Jubilee, 24

Jubilee

Jubilee’s bio made me laugh out loud when they asked what type of music she liked and she said, “Country music. Don’t judge me LOL!”

Laura, 24

Laura

Laura can’t live without key lime pie. Seems odd.

Samantha, 26

Samantha

Nothing excites me about Samantha. She’s an attorney from Florida and fears awkward silence on a date. ZzzzZzz I fear that she’ll put me to sleep on a date.

Jackie, 23

Jackie

Jackie’s gonna be the one to stay fit while living in the mansion and crush everyone at physical competitions. She’s a runner with no regrets.

Lauren H, 25

Lauren H

Fingers crossed the Lauren’s drop like flies the first night otherwise these recaps will be a nightmare. This Lauren is already kissing ass before even getting to the mansion. She said she would love to be Chris Harrison for a day. She also pinterests wedding ideas at work so she’s got a little bit of the crazy.

Jami, 23

Jami

Another bartender, in her bio, Jami admits to be an “inexperienced” lover. Essentially she just painted a shiny virginal target on her back before even having the chance to get too much champagne in her and confess it to a bunch of strangers. C’mon girl…know how to play the game.

Lauren R, 26

Lauren R

If Lauren R. could have lunch with any three people she would choose Jesus, Michelangelo, and Justin Timberlake..in that order. At least big J got the first invite. Do you think Jesus and Michelangelo are the type to go for lunch brews and then go back to work? Cause JT fo sho would. Lauren R also looks like she’s not wearing pants above.

Isabel, 24

Isabel

Izzy’s pretty normal. She dabbled in 50 shades of Grey but doesn’t normally read, loves Tay & Beyonce oh and her family vacations when she was young consisted of chartering a private yacht around the Virgin Islands. Ho hum, just a normal girl like me and you.

Shushanna, 27

Shushanna

Shush will be easy to point out because she’s a smokeshow mathematician named Shushanna. I like when people stand out and make my recaps easier. Unfortunately other than those facts she’s not real spicy.

Lauren B, 25

Lauren B

Not only are there 100 Laurens, but there are 2 Lauren B’s. DRAMA. This LB is a flight attendant who crushes mimosas and brunch (and probably yoga, iced coffee and Netflix.) She’s the most basic of white bitches and I would probably be fast friends with her if we ever met.

Rachel, 23

Rachel

Rachel right here is my gurrrrlll. She’s the first one I’ve seen own up to being unemployed. PREACH! As a fellow participant of #Funemployment I immediately identified with her. She sealed the deal of our love affair by saying if she could be any animal she’d be the cookie monster and eat a bunch of cookies. Which is essentially all I do while I’m unemployed. I hope she makes it to the finals but if she doesn’t, I hope even more that she calls me so we can kick it.

Joelle, 24

Joelle

Joelle goes by Jojo. GET OUTTT RIGHT NOWWW, IT’S THE END OF YOUUU AND MEEE. JoJo can make a 3 leaf clover with her tongue (hear that, Ben?) and wants more than anything to be a part of Tay’s squad. Same, girl., same. She reads a lot of self help books so she probably knows how to go after what she wants and obviously she’s a dime. I feel like she’s going to be a strong contender in the competition.

Well there you have it. T’s & P’s for this season of The Bachelor. Tune in January 4th for the no doubt 5 hour premiere event and visit the full cast bios here.

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JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/16/15

1. David Beckham is the Sexiest Man Alive…and I approve wholeheartedly.

Last year I was fresh on the blog scene and I wrote a scathing disapproval of People’s choice. I stand by it 100% to this day but I have also never hidden my love for Becks and therefore I support him taking the W this year. The Beckham family is legit one of the most attractive families on this earth. The kids won the genetic lottery and David defines DiLF. I’m actually shocked that he hasn’t won the title yet…I can only hope that the people over the past 20 years who never chose him have subsequently been fired for their poor decision making. Anyway, if you want to watch the original unveiling via Jimmy Kimmel and laugh at how long it took his live audience to guess the man, please see below.

2. Charlie Sheen is no longer winning.

charliesheen

So…yiiiiiikes. Charlie Sheen announced this week on the Today Show that he’s HIV positive. I mean, something tells me that when you publicly go off the rails, bang a bunch of hookers and do a bunch of drugs, you MIGHT catch a waft of the ole HIV. I bet he probably regrets being a real asshole to the world and yapping about how he had tiger blood running through his veins. Hindsight is 20/20. You know what’s bananas? I’ve been doing transcription of interviews about HIV and Hep C and I learned something new. Surprising, right? You probably thought I knew everything. But anyway, you can contract Hep C from sharing a toothbrush. A TOOTHBRUSH.

All this HIV talk has also sent me down memory lane to high school when Dan Davis, HIV positive motivational speaker came to my high school and scared the SHIT out of a bunch of kids whose idea of going crazy was stealing some of mom’s Mike’s Hard Lemonade and swigging them in the basement–not doing intravenous drugs. Obviously times have changed now, but in like 2004, a guy with a ponytail telling you that he could wipe a drop of blood on the seat in front of you and twenty years later someone could touch it and get infected was absolutely terrifying. He scared well. WHAT A DAD. (That very long sidebar was for the benefit of my fellow FM’ers..I also found a very ratchet video, should you want to hear his famous line IRL, FF to 31:36 here )

3. No Soup for you.

joel

After 22 seasons, (SHIT!) Joel McHale’s version of The Soup has been cancelled and the last episode will air December 18th. I’ve never actually popped a bag of popcorn and sat down to watch The Soup every Friday (?) night–I’m guessing no one else did either and that’s why it’s getting cancelled, but any time I happened to catch it on TV it was hilarious. There’s something about a network full of Kardashians allowing a man to eviscerate them for how stupid they are that brings a smile to my face. Joel’s mockery of foreign soap operas, The Bachelor, trashy MTV shows and his own network will absolutely be missed. Now that there’s no one to keep E! in check, I’m assuming the Kardashians will buy it.

4. Merry Christmas from SNL.

amytina

Santa will be coming early this year in the form of SNL hosts. Ryan Gosling will be hosting on December 5th, allowing us to drool a little extra over him since he’s casually been in hiding since the birth of his child. And the holiday episode right before Christmas on Dec 19th will be hosted by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Hallelujah, Christ is born. Obviously this will feature the comeback of many old school SNL peeps because ratings, and I wouldn’t be surprised if JT snuck in there. Jus sayin. Set your DVRs.

5. First look at Ben the Bachelor.

The Bachelor released their trailer for the upcoming season with Ben Higgins, one of the most boring contestants I ever had to watch. He better spice it up for his own season. Although judging from this trailer, it looks like the producers took that job into their hands by delivering him twins. Ew times a thousand, ABC. Be grosser. The 1, 2 debut of identical twins from the limo was so tacky that I half expected Ben to say hubba, hubba. “Group hug?” wasn’t much better. As always I will be recapping the mayhem and possible fantasy suite twin threesome so stay tuned for THAT.

BONUS: They finally turned my life into a movie.

 

DOUBLE BONUS: Joseph Gordon-Levitt DID the damn thing as Janet Jackson. That choreography. Whoa.

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