Category Archives: Television

Music, Television

Grammys 2017 Recap

james

Since I can’t go like five minutes without voicing my opinion, I’ve decided to round up a quick recap of last night’s Grammys. Why? Because if I have to sit through 15 hours of television, I reserve the right to dissect every single thing that happened as if I am an expert on all things awards shows.  So in no particular order, here are the top five things that happened last night when I turned 35 watching a bunch of celebrities sing on TV.

1. I’m on Hiatus from the Hive.

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Just like every other basic bitch in America, I love Beyonce. She’s super rich, puts out bangers, and kind of scares me a little bit. Well, I’m also real enough to admit when she’s doing too much. Telling her husband to suck on her balls and stop cheating on her via song? Funny and cool. Wearing a gold headdress and doing an entire performance with children laughing and a recording of your own voice whispering a speech? Creepy AF. Performing her most snoozeworthy songs chopped up with her talking about women and moms while she sits like a robot on a tipping chair was enough. Even Blue was like ok, mom, wrap it up. After those weird pregnancy announcement photos I was on the fence and then everything she did at the Grammys last night tipped me over the edge. I’m using this platform to announce to you all that I’m taking a break, Ross and Rachel style, from the Beyhive. Will I be back the minute she sneezes those babies out? Obviously. But for right now I think it’s time that we see other people.

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2. John Travolta is still oblivious.

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It seems like we drag up Johnny T every year to collectively have a laugh at his expense at a major awards show. We’ve had him stroking out over Idina Menzel at the Oscars and then trying to get in on the joke the year after. Last night it was a pleasure to watch him and his diamond chainz read off of index cards because the teleprompter type isn’t big enough for his old person eyes. I want to believe that he’s self-aware and knows everything he does is weird but at the same time I know in my heart that John thinks he’s real life Danny Zuko, cool as a cucumber while all of Hollywood makes fun of him. And somehow that makes it better.

3. No Red Sox Fans in Hollywood. 

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We all knew it was coming, but I don’t think anyone expected it to be this awkward. Like Ellen’s Oscar selfie, it’s always a bigger host win if they can get as many famous people to play into a bit as possible. Unfortunately for James, I don’t think he anticipated not one single person knowing the words to Sweet Caroline. Even Neil Diamond was struggling and they were all clearly reading the lyrics off of a teleprompter. They didn’t even nail the SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD and drunk people in a bar can crush that! It was such a trainwreck that even Blue Ivy bopped over to see what all the fuss was. Apparently she thinks that just because she was born into the Illuminati she can crash a carpool karaoke sesh and then not sing when the mic is given to her. She better learn to start hamming it up real soon or she’ll be forgotten as soon as these twins are born.

4. Rihanna likes to party. 

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We always need someone in the audience to watch and although CBS wanted it to be Keith Urban with the amount that they panned to him grooving out, the real winner was Rihanna and her booze. If I had to sit through that awards show and look entertained with cameras on me you better believe that I’m gonna be tossing back shots from a diamond flask. At one point she literally goes, I think it’s time for another shot. I almost wished I was drinking last night so that RiRi didn’t have to do shots alone. I am nothing if not a polite social drinker. Never let your friend take a solo shot, that’s my motto.

5. Adele is Queen.

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Adele snuck right up to being my favorite person at the Grammys last night. At first I was like ok, Hello is the oldest song ever I don’t need to hear it again. But then she pulled a boss move by casually stopping her George Michael trib, tossing around a couple of F bombs and declaring a redo. It makes me love her even more knowing that she has a garbage can mouth because I don’t know if you know this about me, but I too appreciate a good swear word and if world class singer Adele can pull that shit and get a standing O, THEN SO CAN I. (Mom and Dad- pls remember that the next time I accidentally swear in your presence.) Anyway, Adele then went on to win all of the awards and slobber all over Beyonce in the process. Quickest way to make sure Beyonce fans don’t instantly hate you? Declare in your acceptance speech that Beyonce should’ve won and that’s obvious. Adele is always one step ahead.

Bonus: Ed working that loop like nobody’s biz. It’s no Castle on the Hill but I accept.

 

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Pretty Much A Disaster

kristina

Little Miss I graduated from Johns Hopkins comes back to pull Nick aside and tell him Corinne is a liar who tells lies. Nick was all, I didn’t send you home because Corinne called you a bully, I sent you home because you haven’t once popped your top off. Good work, Taylor. Pls leave. AGAIN.

Chris Harrison walks in to a bunch of disapproving ladies. Jasmine basically tells him to kick rocks and he’s like before I do, know that there’s no cocktail party tonight. SEE YA. HAH. That’s what you get for treating Chris Harrison like an intruder. DON’T STRIKE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU ROSES. In the first dramatic comment of the night, one of the girls feels a “heaviness in her heart.” Oh, F off.

Roses: Rachel, Danielle M, Corinne, Kristina, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle L, Jasmine, Whitney

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WE CAN ALL REJOICE BECAUSE THE J’s ARE FINALLY GONE! And unfortunately, so is Alexis, the only one with a sense of humor. #Gone2Soon. Unlike Jaimi and Josephine who should’ve been gone within five minutes. ANYWAY, the gang is going to the island of St. Thomas so Nick can show off his collection of man tanks and fresh white Keds. One time I got corn rows in St. Thomas so we’ve all made questionable fashion decisions there. The full head of braids really brought out my watermelon colored braces just like Nick’s tanks really bring out his dino arms.

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First it’s time for Kristina to get scooped up for a heli ride to a beach. Kristina says, “SLKDJFOWEILSKDfjliEkd” and Nick replies, “Oh you have 8 siblings?” This is how it goes for the entire time. I couldn’t tell you one thing she said but apparently Nick is a really good translator. He rewards himself with a little game of grabass in the ocean.

At night, Kristina tells her back story and it’s preeettyyy heavy (from what I understand.) Like eating lipstick as a child to survive and getting kicked to the curb by her mom for eating her favorite shade of red kind of heavy. At 12 years old Kristina was traveling from an orphanage in search of freedom (“color”) in America. At 12 years old, I was screeching at my parents for not letting me buy the 45-dollar “yearbook” graphic tank from Abercrombie that all my friends were wearing on the last day of school. So yeah, same. She gets a rose because what MONSTER would not give a girl a rose after hearing that story.

While Kristina talks about being a starving and homeless refugee, Lorna the island maid is planted to show how much of a nanny-needing asshole Corinne is. OF COURSE a room at the Marriott comes with a personal maid. Eye rolls for days. Stop being so obvious with your scripting, ABC. We’re not invalids.

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Love’s A Beach with Vanessa, Rachel, Corinne, Raven, Danielle M, Jasmine

The girls do ‘squila shots and play yard games with Nick while he walks around like a T-Rex because who can resist a guy whose go to move is acting like a drunk baby dinosaur. They all cry. I would cry too if I was fighting over this:

A few hours later, after they’ve all taken a page out of Corinne’s book and put themselves down for a post-boozy tears nap to CTFD, Nick apologizes for generally being a wiener and making everyone cry. He spends the evening reassuring everyone that he likes them all equally. I’m guessing he’s crossing tequila off the list forever. He was anticipating a big ocean orgy and instead he got a real sob fest.

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And then I had to call the uncomfortable police because things got REAL weird. Jasmine, who realized trying to impress Nick by bulldozing everyone in her path on the volleyball court didn’t work, had a meltdown. It started out with her freaking out about not getting one on one time and took a sharp left into sexual choking territory and I honestly don’t know how we got there. Neither does Nick as she inches her hands toward his neck and tells him she wants to send him to the chokey. The look he gives the cameraman can only be described as a plea for rescue. Also F Jazzy J for ruining a funny Matilda reference that I use from time to time and making it aggressively sexual. The chokey is for asshole kids, not strangling someone while naked. Either way, it’s safe to say Nick was NAHT into it and Jazzy got bounced real quick.

D.Lo vs. WhitDawgz

Whitney is gorgeous obviously but has snuck through the past 5 weeks for literally no reason and it was her time to shine. And by shine we mean, speak her first words to Nick and immediately be sent home so that he could have another one on one with Danielle (or D.Lo as the biddies affectionately call her) without everyone getting pissed that he’s picking favorites. The professional suitcase grabber comes in and everyone is STUNNED. And then ask whose suitcase that even was. What a bunch of morons.

D.Lo and Nick’s date turns out to be a real snooze. One time they danced so, dancing is totally like their thing—and because of it, Danielle is falling in love with Nick. He grabs her hands and she snickers and whispers “my hands”. So I bet hands are also becoming their thing. BUT NOT FOR LONG because Nick stares awkwardly at her then waves the rose in her face as he tells her she can’t have it. The girls see another suitcase go. By process of elimination, they still don’t know whose it is. Nick follows close behind to cry to them about how he had to send so many girls home and he doesn’t know if he can go on. The second most dramatic statement of the night came from Rachel who said, “The fact that he actually came in here has like, rocked my foundation.” Did it also bring a heaviness to your heart, Rachel or is that just when the open bar is cut before a rose ceremony? You can get back to me on that.

And that’s all she choked wrote. I respect the fact that Nick got a little bit of slack on his short-ass leash from producers and started cutting girls left and right because there was a LOT of dead weight this season. What I cannot forgive him for is crying like a lil bitch after he did it. Don’t ever recruit Nick to commit a murder with you. He’ll immediately turn himself in covered in man tears. Next week he proves how real he is by having sex with Corinne’s platinum vageen.

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Television

Puppy Bowl XIII Top Picks

We’re just a few days away from the biggest game in sports every single year, THE PUPPY BOWL! As you all have been eagerly waiting, here are the top picks from this year’s lineup based 100% on their photos and names, paired with made up stories about their personalities because I’m a giant weirdo who entertains herself with writing dog bios.

Wesley

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Check out Wesley giving it to the camera with that over the shoulder pose. What a stud. Ten bucks says he goes home with one of the duck cheerleaders.

Tucker

tucker

Curveball: Tucker is a girl. I also want to snuggle the shit out of her. Seriously, could she be fluffier? Tucker’s known for fixing those icy blue eyes on a competitor, stunning them into submission and taking the tennis ball to the end zone.

BeeBop

beebop

With a name like BeBop, you really can’t go wrong. BB is probably a backup dancer for Bey on the weekends. She’s got one ear up and you KNOW that means she’s ready to party.

Lucky

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It took me far too long to decipher if Lucky only has three legs or if she was revving up for a mean high five. Seems odd to name a three legged dog Lucky, but whatevs that’s neither here nor there. I have a soft spot for her since I just spent a weekend binging Friday Night Lights. Lucky probably lost her leg tackling another player with her head down. She’s not giving up though and I respect the hell out of that. TEXAS FOREVER, LUCKY!

Panda

panda

WHOA. Holy ears, Panda! She’s got that look on her face that says play fetch with me or I’ll KMS. She’ll come out of the locker room REAL HOT and  if she hears someone in the stands talking shit with her bionic ears, she’ll say cash me ousside, how bow DAH? (Did I use that right? Am I kewl like the youths?)

Smooshie

smooshie

Smooshie is this year’s Puddin Pop. Cursed with the meanest name of the group, she probably hates her life. Not to mention the fact that her face looks eternally sad. She belongs as an extra in the Sara McLachlan SPCA commercial. Lil Smoosh will need a little of Lucky’s 3 legged swagger to rub off on her if she wants to crush this game.

Squirt

squirt

Alright, Squirt, slow your roll. We get it, you’ve got energy for days. Squirt will annoy the shit out of everyone on the field  and that’s a promise. Just like every family needs a nuisance sibling (it’s me), every team needs a pain in the ass like Squirt. Keeps it interesting.

Winston

winston

Every year we’ve got one. The pup that saw photoshoot on his schedule and decided to roll a fat one before he showed up. Winston just wants to lay on his doggie bed with a bag of treats contemplating the wonders of the world. Sto0oooo00oooner dog.

Ricky

ricky

Ricky needs to take it easy on the H2O. Most likely to look the creepy ref right in the eye, stick that leg in the air and pee directly on the turf mid-game. Do it Ricky, DOOOOO IT.

Foster

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Foster is this year’s MVP. He’s charismatic AF with that tongue waggin’ and I bet he was just shy of winking and throwing up some finger gunz for the photographer. He’ll have fun on the field and celebrate the W by crushing a couple rawhides with his bruhs.

Click here for the full roster.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor -No Signs of Intelligency

corinnetaylor

For the record, I don’t even want to recap this episode because it was the perfect example of what happens to The Bachelor when we start the”to be continued” cycle and F everything up. This epi was 1 hour and 58 minutes of paint drying and 2 minutes of drama that IS SUCH A CLIFFHANGER. I’m over it. You hear me, ABC? #OVER.IT. But I’ll still recap now that I’ve laid that out on the line because I owe it to my millions of fans to deliver a weekly recap that makes fun of these dum dums.

We pick up this week with Taylor and Corinne still fighting. Or really, Corinne is hammered and telling Taylor that she has stank face and everyone hates her. To make sure it really sticks, she tells Nick the same thing. To be fair, Taylor DOES kind of have stank face.

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Rose Ceremony (in the arctic tundra): Danielle L, Kristina, Raven, Whitney, Danielle M, Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine, Vanessa, Alexis, Corinne, Taylor

My girl Sarah was left out in the cold. Literally. Someone toss that girl a coat, she’s as white as Mae!

AND for another week, Nick shits on Bachelor brackets everywhere by sneaking Jaimi and Josephine, the J’s that don’t belong, right on through to the next round. The next round happens to be a TRIP TO NEW ORLEEEEAAAANNNNNNNNSSSS! I mean, it’s better than Milwaukee.  Chris Harrison interrupts the girls jumping on their hotel beds like they’ve never stayed in a 3 star chain hotel before looking fresh as a motherfucker in a linen blazer. He must be cashing mad checks on that romance novel of his.

Where Have You Beignet All My Life with Rachel

Pretty mad at producers for telling the girls how to pronounce beignet before the cameras started rolling because I know good television and it is watching Raven butcher a French word with her hick accent. MISSED OPPORTUNITY. Anyway, Rachel, who if you recall got the first impression rose and pretty much hasn’t done anything since, pretty much feels like she’s on a date with her boyfriend. We know this because she tells us. 3 times. Their date is sssssssuper chill (Nick’s words, not mine). They walk around the market, Nick puts an alligator on his head and says “I want to eat you.” Hawt. He follows up that top notch flirting with eating a beignet like a savage and there’s immediately a drought in my underwear.

Later on, Rachel tells Nick about a funeral she once attended in New Orleans because these girls are conditioned to talk about dead people on their one on one dates. She doesn’t mention who died, but like, does it really matter? Nick consoles her. I want to like Rachel because she seems to have her shit together other than making up stories about jazzy funerals but then she reveals that she calls her dad “Daddy” and I barf all over myself and immediately must hate her. Either way, she’s rosed.

Til Death Do Us Part with Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M, Whitney, Danielle L

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Nick takes the gals to a haunted house where we meet a very sweaty caretaker named Boo. Boo, like every hired actor on the Bachelor is a true character. Him and his crazy eyes warn the girls about an 8 year old ghost named Mae who kicks it at this mansion. This is the part of the night where they waste an hour of our time flipping on the night vision cam to watch a bunch of biddies play with a ouija board and run around a staged mansion screaming. Listen, I’ve seen the Saved By the Bell Murder Mystery episode. I know that the killer is always the host. I’ve got my eye on you, Boo. Stay woke.

sbtb

boo

Most importantly, the highlight of the mansion is Mae’s doll, which lives in a glass case of emotion creepy. This doll is more terrifying than any ghost could ever be and suddenly it goes MISSING?! No doubt this thing walked right up out of that glass case and is hiding under a bed somewhere waiting to strike. Cause that’s what dolls do. When I was little my mom had ceramic dolls made to look like my sisters and I. It was meant to be a gift but actually it was a nightmare and it’s no coincidence that as I went to find a picture of it, I saw that I tweeted this exactly a year ago today:

It’s an omen. I wouldn’t be surprised if that one-eyed doll strolled into my apt tonight and slaughtered me. If I know anything, it’s that dolls only really need one good eye to murder.

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Anyway, back to the morons…after Jaimi puts on a show about not being afraid of nothin, someone muses like a philosopher in the night, “Do you think…like…we’re more scared here than those two are at home?” Cut to Corinne giving herself a face mask and a bubble bath while Taylor sniffs glue. Yeah. They’re terrified.

Danielle M feels like her connection with Nick got deeper because she explored his mouth a lot. She is rewarded with a rose (from under a glass jar because this week we’re shoving Beauty and the Beast promotions down everyone’s throats.) Raven admits to Nick that she’s fallen in love with him. She’s rewarded with nothing but fond memories of Nick’s roller skating skillz.

Meet Me in the Bayou with Corinne and Taylor

Ah yes, the 2 on 1 date that many anticipated and all know the result of. Mental Health Counselor vs. Multi-million Dollar Company CEO. Emotional Intelligence vs. Intelligency. Stank Face vs Boobs. Tale as old as time. (See what I did there? Beauty and the Beast plug like a MOFO.)

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They go on a ride through the bayou to a clearing where a “voodoo priestess” wearing a woven fedora and a gauzy maxi skirt talks about spirits or something. Boo was more riveting than this chick. The lady doing the reading is wearing a triangle bandanna that I used to rock (attached to a headband) ala MK&A’s clothing line from Walmart. These costumes are downright ridiculous. Regardless of the out of style headwear, Miss Cleo senses a lot of tension amongst the three because, like, she’s a professional. She plays Go Fish with each girl so Nick can hear both sides of the catty story. Corinne says Taylor bullied her, Taylor says nothing because her face is permanently stankin.  Obviously Nick chooses Corinne because we have yet to see her platinum vageen (shoutout to this season’s previews for killing the suspense of this date.) Taylor decides to get a backbone, and some help from the hired voodoos who cover her in water(?) oil(?) whatever, she comes back with a vengeance. I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN!!!!!!!

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Can’t Escape the Poop

bachnick

Now that we’ve been blessed with one “to be continued”, we will start off with rose ceremonies for the rest of the season and end with the dumbest three words a TV show could end with. Obviously this will be continued, we’ll see you same time, same place next week, ABC. You’re not building tension. Especially, when we’re back to watching Corinne sleep while everyone talks shit about her. She “sleeps” with a serial killer smile, probably dreaming of Raquel wiping her buhhole for her.

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Nick “I wear a hoodie to a pool party” Viall is still getting a dose of real talk from Vanessa (who if it’s not obvious, is too good for this show #feminism, #womensmarch). Nick tells Vanessa he gives an F what she thinks but wants her to be more patient with Corinne, specifically until hometowns when he can determine whether picking Corinne comes with unlimited amounts of Raquel’s cheese pasta. Sarah and Taylor crawl into Corinne’s bed to wake her up from her nappie and aggressively tell her to pull it together. This is really well accepted, Corinne apologizes, and everyone braids each other’s hair. Just kitten. Corinne throws a grade A bitchface, then uses her confessional to shout YOU DO YOU and IMMA DO ME a bunch of times. Don’t cross Corinne or she turns into a G, apparently. (After she’s had a full 12 hours of rest of course. Wiping the sleepies out of her eyes during the rose ceremony this week was a liiiiitttle much.)

Rose Ceremony: Danielle L, Vanessa, Rachel, Raven, Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Jasmine, Alexis, Astrid, Danielle M, Jaimi, Josephine, Sarah, Corinne

As the ladies reassure each other that they’re there because Nick sees a future with *each* of them, Chris Harrison enters with some riveting travel news. The girls are about to globetrot, first (probably only) stop: Milwaukee, Wisconsin. They all react like they’re going to Paris. Which is cute, and also sad. On the Nick front—there’s nothing quite like bringing 15 girls that you know nothing about to meet your parents! Chris and Mary Viall are nervous for their whiny bitch of a son embarrassing himself on TV again. His parents cry and talk about how much they love each other so in turn, Nick cries. It’s a real mess in Milwaukee.

While Nick snots it up with mom and dad, the gals feed some ducks because what else do you do in Wisconsin? Danielle L. gets plucked for a date and the leftovers debate jumping in the pond to drown themselves amongst the ducks. Did I mention how much I love when the bachelor picks a date in person?! So much insecurity, so little time. Anyway, FUN story about Nick, he once jumped in a river for 12 bucks! OMG he’s SO edgy. The hometown deli that conveniently greets Nick as if this was his second home makes “Nick-erdoodle” cookies of Nick’s face. He asks if he gets to eat himself. Gross, Nick. Clean it up. Danielle & Nickerdoodle smush their face cookies and then smush actual faces. But then DRAMA, while strolling through downtown N&D “accidentally” run into one of Nick’s exes who totally didn’t sign a waiver and mic up to be on camera for this bit or anything. Amber the ex has nothing but great things to say about Nick because producers are framing Nick as a good guy now, duh. His good guy façade is tested later on when Danielle goes full on tits out for the boys. Damn, girl. Even though I can barely focus on anything other than her near nip slip, she confesses that her parents have been divorced since she was 17. Not only that, but Danielle slyly adds in “so it’s been ten years” to really hammer home the point that she’s not a child bride like 90% of the contestants this season (FOR A THIRTY SIX YEAR OLD) and I respect the hell out of it. Danielle’s ok in my book. She’s a grown up and a total babe. She gets rosed, cause boobs PLUS the final surprise of more slow grind dancing onstage at a concert, this time to Chris Lane. Kind of a downgrade from BSB, tbh.

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Say Cheese with Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle M, Corinne

The entire remaining cast except Raven walk up to Nick breast feeding bottle feeding a baby cow, as if this is business as usual. He’s about as country as “Farmer” Chris was when he did pushups on hay bales. The premise of this date is that the girls have to work on a farm because the farm industry is declining and labor ain’t cheap. Also, if you recall the highly esteemed show The Simple Life, watching privileged girls bale hay and shovel shit is entertaining AF.

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Josephine chose her brightest white pants and Corinne sits on a rock in the field—because she lost circulation in her hands whilst digging poop. SHE ALMOST HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. I bet the hospital has prime napping beds, jus sayin. Jaimi’s good at milking the cow; because of course the lez knows her way around a nipple.

After everyone has showered, gotten a blowout, a full face of makeup and put on their tightest dress to show Nick that they can be a farm girl AND a vixen…it’s time to gang up on Corinne. Ya girl Corinne goes from full-on Gloria in Wedding Crashers to telling all the girls to stop talking shit about her and say it to her face. And, they did.

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Sarah asks Corinne if she thinks she’s ready to marry a 36-year-old man. Valid question but like, Corinne is being groomed for Paradise and everybody knows it. She can parade around a fake engagement ring on insta all she wants but she’s already got a ticket to the sex island this summer. Then Kristina and Corinne get in a fight but I’m not really sure what it was about because I straight up don’t understand a word that falls out of Kristina’s mouth. What I do know is that this disagreement occurred while Corinne was sitting on a lifeless Josephine covered in a red blanket on the couch. Kristina got the rose but Josephine deserves all the roses for somehow still being on this show AND contributing more to a conversation just by passing away on a couch.

Let’s Kick It with Raven

Nick suddenly transforms into a soccer coach for little sis Bella and her team. He just wants to have a regular engaged couple Saturday with the fam and see if Raven can hang. I just want Raven’s accent to change so my ears stop bleeding every time she speaks. Speaking of that beautiful accent, she uses it to ask Nick’s parents if they had to spank him a lot growing up. What an approps first question for your boyfriend’s parents. Typs soccer game fodder. Raven is a keeper. Bella approves as they bond over blue icee’s at Skateland. Bella’s going to watch this back in 5 years, see that monster blue mouth of hers and be mortified. Kind of like Nick should be for bringing his pre-teen sister on the same show he’s had sex on, twice. Nick and Raven skate it up like a couple of pros. Props to Raven for being that coordinated (and not puking on their date). Later on, Raven paints a Lifetime original movie picture of the time she walked in on her DOCTOR boyfriend cheating on her with a bar slut. Even though it came out…real….sloooowww…I was on the edge of my couch in anticipation during this tall tale. She KICKED the door down and administered a STILLETTO head beating! If “I Know What Her Vagina Looks Like” isn’t released within the year with a terribly cast Raven-lookalike, I will be THE MOST disappointed in Lifetime. Either way, Raven gets a rose because she had to see her boyfriend thrusting over another girl. They sk8 it out.

Cocktail Party

Taylor is a lurking asshole who WENT TO JOHNS HOPKINS and is “emotionally” smarter than Corinne.

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Josephine and Corinne basically sit on each other’s laps talking about Taylor and shoving apps in their snackholes at rapid speed. It’s easily the best scene of the night watching these two hungry bitches motor through the passed hors d’oeuvres. I haven’t seen dedication to grazing like that since Chad met his lunchmeats.

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To…be…continued….

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Man Tanks Galore

 

BACKSTREET BOYS, NICK VIALL

If you recall, last week was a “cliffhanger” when Nick sent Liz packing and was FORCED to reveal that he sucks in bed had sex with her already. Nick just wants to be up front with everyone because he was SHOCKED when Back Tat got out of the limo. Or more realistically, he was shocked when Chris Harrison had to take him aside to remind him that he’s boned this girl already. He addresses the ladies that they met at JADE AND TANNER’S wedding (are they cashing in on this like product placement? I hope so) and had sex. Then apparently Nick thinks he’s hosting his own epi of Loveline because he opens it up to a Q&A segment with the ladies. He takes each girl aside to reassure himself and make sure no one is judging his sex life. The girls all think he’s suuuper sensitive and concerned with their feelings, so that worked out a little TOO well. Some girl in a yellow dress talks about how worried she is about Nick’s confession. I literally have no clue who she is. I’m confident ABC just tossed in an extra to fuck with us.

Speaking of jokes, Corinne sneaks upstairs to strip down and toss on a trench coat. She stands in front of the mirror practicing how to flash Nick. All I can do is picture Corinne getting ready to come to the mansion and ordering her nanny to pack an oversized trench coat in her suitcase, for obvious reasons.

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She sashays downstairs in this khaki-colored garbage bag and proceeds to shoot whipped cream down Nicks throat and chase it with her tongue. Then in natural progression, she sprays it all over her boobs and asks him to lick it off. Nick loves that Corinne seems to be very comfortable with her body. YEAH HE DOES. The girls watch from a window in the house and immediately cry.

corinne

Corinne gets interrupted and suddenly the whipped cream can is lying on the cold, hard ground. Corinne runs into the house and sobs that her relationship with Nick is over because he didn’t want to slurp whipped cream out of her lady bits while a bunch of women watched with jealousy. Then she passes the F out and misses the rose ceremony. Nick demands to know where she is as if the girls in the room have killed her and buried her body underneath that giant trench coat. He apologizes on her behalf. If anyone should be apologizing it should be Hailey who wore an actual bra to the rose ceremony and still didn’t get a rose.

Roses: Corinne, Danielle, Whitney, Kristina, Danielle L, Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jaimi, Dominique, Sarah, Alexis, Brittany, Josephine, Jasmine, Christen, Taylor, Astrid

Everybody! with Danielle L. Christen Kristina Whitney Taylor Jasmine & Corinne

The Backstreet Boys shows up at the mansion and the most shocking part about this is that Brian has a disgusting braided tail hanging off the back of his head. C’mon guys, you’re old but you’re still touring. Clean it up. They sing a quick song and all the girls try to sing over them. If BSB is standing 2 feet away from you singing, YOU LISTEN. What a bunch of disrespectful hoez.

The gals hit the dance studio with BSB and Nick in a man tank. Wittle baby Corinne isn’t loving this date because she doesn’t have an excuse to pull her tits out. She’s a bad dancer and she’s not getting enough attention. Not to point fingers, but this Thriller choreography isn’t doing her any favors. Kevin is wearing a fedora and tells everyone to wrap it up. It’s actually insulting to JT (the KING of pulling off a fedora) how bad he looks.

screen-shot-2017-01-17-at-8-28-20-am     vs. jt

Jus’ sayin.

At the “show” that night consisting of about 30 people, Nick’s cue to awkwardly jive onto the stage is the lyric “We’re gonna bring the flavor show you how” and I’ve never laughed harder. WHAT a contradiction. Danielle’s claw hands shine the brightest because she wins a slow grind with Nick to “I Want It That Way” while the other biddies glare.

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At the after party, Danielle gets more slow dance and smooch time and of course, a rose. Corinne takes my last and final straw. First she puts herself down for a quick nappie then she wakes up to tell everyone about her nanny Raquel, who does every single thing for her. Most importantly, her nanny makes the best cheese pasta. CHEESE. PASTA. That’s it. I’ve put up with a lot from Corinne mostly because I know she’s this season’s villain and all of her screen time is edited/staged but I cannot any longer. There’s no way producers could’ve controlled the dumb that dribbles out of her mouth. Choreography is not called planned dancing and cheese pasta is MAC AND CHEESE. AND YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF ONE SINGLE BOX OF KRAFT SHAPES, YOU DUMB BITCH. #Done.

“You Make Me Feel Like I’m Floating” with Vanessa

Vanessa and Nick get in a plane that casually nosedives to give them the zero gravity feel. Immediately I assume someone will be blowing chunks. If I were put in that plane I would probably cry hysterically the whole time. They do a weird air jig for a while; run into each other’s limbs a lot and then kiss. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for Vanessa to feel nauseous (or if you’re Sean Lowe: nautious) and puke a little bit. Thankfully for us, she doesn’t projectile but politely Ralphs in a barf bag while Nick literally puts his face on top of hers. Back up, bro! She’s spewing her insides right now. I don’t even want someone in the same room as me when I’m puking, let alone putting his forehead on mine and they met like five minutes ago. Whatever, Vanessa thinks it’s adorbs how caring he is and they make out afterwards. YIKES. I almost had a chain reaction sitch just from watching them have a vom makeout. Gum doesn’t erase what just went down!

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Later, Vanessa compares her grandfather dying to coming on this show because he gave out roses from beyond his grave or something? Nick cries thinking about what will happen if “this doesn’t work out for him.” K. Vanessa tries to pretend she forgot about the rose this whole time, lolerskates. She probz didn’t want it after seeing Nick sob on their first date. She gets it anyway.

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“I’m done playing the field” with Rachel Alexis Astrid Jaimi Sarah Brittany & Dominique

Nick recruits his buds from the Olympics to help the girls run track. They obviously have no idea who these athletes are but put on a clinic of shock when they stroll up. I took a class in college where I had to watch a documentary on Carl Lewis and I couldn’t have pointed him out last night if you had put a gun to my head. Astrid decides to go with a minimal support “sports” bra and the cameraman wastes no time capitalizing on that. Astrid, Alexis and Rachel race for some natural hot tub time in the middle of a high school track. Rachel has hot hands and can’t grab the ring at the finish line, so Astrid, boobs flapping, scoops up the ring after almost stomping Rachel’s hand off and gets into the hot tub fully clothed. What a W for her.

After Astrid’s leggings probably melt off, Dominique has a meltdown because Nick hasn’t paid attention to her at all and this was her first time she was allowed out of the mansion. Instead of using her time to have a conversation and learn about Nick, Dom comes in REAL hot and tells Nick that she thinks he’s not giving her a fair chance. He didn’t pull her aside to ask how she was doing during the date and that was NOT OKAY. Nick says, GIRL, BYE. So that kind of backfired, huh, Dom?

Pool Party in lieu of Cocktail Party

The girls are all horned up, cause pool party, and the minute Nick steps outside, all hands are on his abs. It doesn’t really matter though because once Corinne rises from the dead it’s game over. She surprises Nick with a bounce house and then straddles him inside of it. I asked for a bounce house for my 21st birthday party and my parents told me they had a weight limit. This has nothing to do with Corinne turning a bounce house to a bounce sex den but I needed to bring it up because I’m still bitter about being denied the best party ever and I’ll never stop talking about it. Anyway, after he goes for the two-handed ass grab and all the other girls watch with a Whitney circa The Hills Season 2 surprise face, Corinne goes back to bed because her work there is done.

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Raven tattles to Nick that Corinne has a nanny and doesn’t know how to clean a spoon. TELL HIM THAT SHE CALLS MAC AND CHEESE, “CHEESE PASTA.” I DARE YOU, RAVEN. Then Vanessa wants Nick to know that she saw him “riding her” and she’s judging him. Does he want a wife or just a F buddy? We shall find out next week. One thing I know for sure is that a pukey makeout bonds two people for life, and I don’t think Vanessa’s going anywhere anytime soon.

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Today’s bonus clip came courtesy of Josephine singing made up show tunes to Nick while my ears fell clean off of my head. So thanks for that, ABC.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – HE HELD MY BOOBS!

 

bridesmaid

Always a Bridesmaid with Corinne, Vanessa, Sara, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, Elizabeth & Brittany

Franco is a renowned photographer who wears a geometric print shirt with matching booty shorts and reflective aviators that really bring out his bushy mustache. He tells this group of ladies, “Whoever does a nice job I have a nice……surprise.” In this case I’m guessing surprise equals mustache ride by the way he creepily purrs that.

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Everything is going swimmingly with Corinne declaring that her and her white bikini-clad tits were going to own this game until Brittany strutted out basically completely naked looking like a total dime. Corinne handled it really well; if by really well we mean glaring at her and saying she wanted to punch her in the face. As always, once one girl gets bold and smooches Nick, they all jump on the makeout train. Lacey (always the bridesmaid never the bride) kisses Nick and says he tastes like Danielle. Sexy. Just to reiterate, being chosen as the ONLY bridesmaid and then tasting another girl on your date makes you A TOTAL LOSER, Lacey. In the event that you’re wondering what Franco is up to during all of this, he’s encouraging each girl to kiss Nick while he slowly strokes his D through his loudly printed shorts. During Taylor’s moment he whispers into the breeze, “This is the moment… because I know you from before time.” So THAT’S normal.

brittany

Then we get to the part where Brittany and Nick have a nudie photo shoot in their leaves and Corinne turns into a giant jelly belly. When it’s her turn, she rips her top off and presses her breasts all over Nick in the pool. She then forces Nick to grab her boobs for the “Janet Jackson” pose. He seems uncomfy until about 30 seconds later when Corinne is announced as the winner. Good work, producers. Now every female is questioning if she should show her nipples to find true love.

CORRINE, NICK VIALL

Corinne can totally see her self just falling and falling and falling and grabbing and grabbing and grabbing and HE HELD HER BOOBS, GUYS!!!!!!! Although I wish that was something funny that I wrote, unfortunately it came directly out of Corinne’s dumb nanny-having mouth. (PS I stand by my tweet last night that “BUT HE HELD MY BOOBS” is now my go-to comeback for ever and ever.) Raven questions if Nick is looking for someone who will pop out her tits at any moment. The answer to that is yes and that’s obvious. Did Raven do her research orrrr? Speaking of, Taylor talks to Nick in detail about her psychology degree and Corinne comes to save him because THAT’S THE MOST BORING CONVERSATION EVER. I mean yeah, we hate Corinne and she’s dumb as rocks but like Taylor read the room and find something less snoozeworthy to talk about. Obviously Nick is going to prefer to talk to the minx that will gyrate on his lap instead of the one explaining the human psyche to him. NOT SO FAST THOUGH—Taylor “re-interrupted” and that’s no bueno in Corinne’s book. Because she’s classy. Again, her words, not mine. Yes that’s right, Queen of interrupting who made a point to tell the other ladies that you don’t come on this show unless you want to get interrupted almost stabbed a bitch over getting interrupted. Did I say interrupted enough? Also, Taylor thinks Nick likes her for her brain. Methinks he likes it when a girl rubs her tits all over him because Corrine gets the rose.

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Meanwhile, Liz won’t shut the F up about how she slept with Nick already. Seriously, every sentence that falls out of her mouth starts with “I met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.” Oh DID YOU?! During poolside times, Liz tells Christen that she banged Nick and doesn’t spare any deets. Then she talks about all of her insecurities, which is obviously a good idea to do with a girl you just met, whose competing for the same guy’s affection.

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I don’t remember what this date was called but it was probably a flying metaphor with Danielle M.

Danielle maintains her spot as cute good girl and snags a helicopter ride that landed on a yacht. They’re like, having so much fun and they’re both from the same town. So you could say there are sparks. They hot tub on the yacht, because of course. At dinner, Nick talks about how he’s been on previous seasons of the Bachelorette as if none of us know, and Danielle admits that her fiancé overdosed and died. A liiiitttle deeper than getting rejected on 2 TV shows B2B. Nick respects her more for going through that and she gets a rose.

We Need to Talk with Christen, Kristina, Astrid, Jaimi, Christina, Liz & Josephine

According to my equally as sasshole sister, this is the B team group date including a Russian, a dude, a lez, and a kiss & teller. Couldn’t have summed this motley crew up any better. They go to a museum of broken relationships. This is a special place where everyone donates their crap that reminds them of a breakup and it’s called art. Nick’s addition to said crap is the ring he picked out for Kaitlyn that he didn’t even a little bit pay for and should’ve returned at the end of the season. It’s certainly not crap but it IS embarrassing that he gives such a bullshit emotional speech about it right before he participates in performance art breakups.

In order to get in the mood for acting, the group watches other couples pretend to break up and Nick literally sits there eating his fingers like a giant weirdo. The girls show us what you would’ve immediately assumed upon looking at them: they’re terrible actresses. Why else do you think they ended up on reality TV to become stars? Josephine slaps Nick silly and tries to kiss it better. The only thing that will make that better is Josephine actually breaking up with Nick and disappearing forever. Jus sayin. Liz goes the dramats route and reads a speech from her diary about how they met and how it made her feel. It gives Nick ALL the uncomfies. Nick is butthurt that Liz made that news public but I think he overestimated how smart this group of girls is because none of them caught on that this was a non-fiction piece. They were all like whoa Liz got really deep with her part, BRAVA!

Later on, Christen takes her first opportunity to narc on Liz during her one on one time with Nick. I mean she was calculating that moment since the second Liz spilled the beans. Obviously Nick wasn’t LOVING that the girls were talking about the drunken night and that can only mean one thing: he sucks in bed. Jaimi dated a girl once because OF COURSE the girl with the septum piercing who walked in on night one with the phrase I’ve got balls is also a little lez. And finally, Nick tells Liz to kick rocks and DRAMATIC TWIST; he is forced to tell everyone that he wedding boned her. It’s to be continued because there are just not enough hours in the night to cover the meltdowns that will result from this news. No rose ceremony but we do get a bonus scene where Alexis celebrates her boob birthday and they eat boob cupcakes togets. Keep doing you, Alexis. You fake-boobed dolphin aficionado, you.

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Television, Uncategorized

The Bachelor – Fourth Time’s A Charm

nick

“We’ve got a shark that thinks she’s a dolphin, so that’s a concern.”

I tried to approach this season of The Bachelor with an open mind. (I didn’t try that hard) and I got to about 30 seconds in when they have Nick announcing he’s the Bachelor over and over again and I was already enraged. It appears as though his lisp, which was once just for the letter s, now applies to “ch” because he announced he was the next Bassshhler. So, this season is off to a hot start. What I can take solace in, is the fact that everyone on Twitter agrees with me, and since the Bach community is behind me on this one, I feel like it’s sanctioned to hate watch the shit out of this season. Not even a low-angle shot of him getting into the shower 1 minute later could make things better. Although, a gratuitous ab shot never hurts, Nick immediately erased it from my memory when he declared, “I’m gonna give America a happy ending.”

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This year’s round-up of sage advice came from Boring Ben, Farmer Chris and Vampire Sean. Seriously though, Sean came back from the dead for this taping. Chris still has pit stains down to his ankles, so there’s no news there. As my friend so nicely pointed out, I too suffer from hyperhydrosis and shouldn’t be laughing at others, BUT I also don’t go on national TV so like, clean it up Chris. Or at least wear white. Sean barely speaks because he was pulled from his coffin to exist in the harsh rays of sunlight for the first time in probably a year. Chris delivers a couple of insults because he’s a big sweaty bully and Ben is just humble ole Ben, singing the “be yourself” song to Nick. (Worst advice ever, Ben.)

Now’s the part where I break it down by lady because half of these bitches get promptly kicked off anyway and we’ll never need to remember them. If a girl doesn’t get her own blurb it’s because she’s a real snoozefest.

Rachel– This is the lawyer, who after a long day of lawyering loves to unwind with vacuum karaoke. Hey girl, if you love to sing and dance, hit up the bars—there’s no need to drag cleaning into this. At the mansion, Nick and Rach talk about her family, her job and football. He seems way more interested in her than he should be. He also tries to flirt by asking her if she has a favorite uncle. Smooth moves, Nick. She gets the first impression rose and a kiss.

firstimpression

Vanessa the teacher from Canada, speaks both French and Italian in her intro. We get it. You’re cultured.

Josephine has no business being on this show and also, meows at her cat. As if that wasn’t weird enough, she shows up to the mansion with a book and inside of said book is a cut out with a hot dog in it. A prop she carries from a limo just so that she can tell Nick, “You’re a wiener in my book.” AND THEN SHE ASKS HIM IF HE WANTS TO LADY AND THE TRAMP A RAW HOT DOG. ABC really toeing the line with a little primetime raw-dogging. Did I make that sound more disgusting than it actually was? NO. NO I DID NOT. I had to watch two humans treat a raw piece of meat like it was spaghetti and ruin a Disney classic. Nothing is sacred anymore. Spoiler alert: according to Josephine “It went down real hard.”

wienerbook

Raven owns a boutique in Hoxie, Arkansas so you know she worked really hard in the fashion industry to see this kind of success so early in her life.

raven

Corinne still lives at home and makes her nanny bring her snacks like she’s fake Casey from Laguna Beach shouting at Conchita for a quesaDILLA. Her intro video is not unlike Elle Woods’ submission for Harvard Law and everyone should be embarrassed for her. But don’t judge her because she runs a “multi-million dollar” business. Cough cough works for her dad cough. As the front-runner for most hated biddy in the house, Corinne take the first steal of the night AND the first kiss. Everyone calls her a slut all while seething in jealousy. All I really want to know is what that bag full of tokens are for. Cause Nick didn’t even have to pay the toll for that smooch, so what equates to a token with this chick?

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Alexis of New Jersey is so zany that she WALKS TO CVS IN A SUMO COSTUME (when cameras are there.) She’s our ringleader for the dolphin obsession this year and as I predicted in my ranking, shows up dressed like a dolphin. Except she’s actually wearing a shark costume. Classic mixup. When everyone tells her she’s a shark she just makes dolphin noises. Cause like, DUH. SHARKS DON’T SOUND LIKE THAT, GUYS! She’s also really hammy sammied and wades through the pool in said shark costume.

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Taylor is a mental health counselor and also a contestant on a reality TV show to find love. She is a walking oxymoron. Upon meeting Nick, Taylor told him that her friends think he’s an asshole. You sure know how to win a guy over, Tay!

Liz is the doula who I judged a little before the season because she talked about birthing her niece and that’s kind of gross. Plot twist: what none of us knew is that she was Jade’s maid of honor and actually already had wedding sex with Nick. Naturally Nick doesn’t remember her at first until Chris Harrison pulls him aside to tip him off, because we’re not allowed to think Nick is a douche anymore now that he’s the Bachelor. Even though Liz should be a little peeved that her drunk one night stand was not one for the books, she says more than once: “I’m kinda glad that he doesn’t remember we had sex, it keeps the mystery.” Liz is obviously pulling the classic if I act like a chill girl on TV, guys will want to date me. Because if someone big-timed me like that I would go apeshit. During their hang later on, Nick spin-zones not remembering into WHY DIDN’T YOU EVER CALL ME? By the end of the episode it becomes very clear that Liz will tell everyone in the house that they had sex to get the upper hand. Especially when she goes on and on about how she’s not worried about other girls kissing him because she did it 9 months ago. Def don’t worry about it Liz, it was a ReALLy memorable smooch. (PS, You’re CRAZY!)

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Danielle L. put her tits out for Nick and that’s all you really need to know.

DANIELLE L., NICK VIALL

Christen stands out in my memory because she was dressed like a neon banana, did a weird 10 second dance with a fan then asks Nick if he thinks she’s crazy. If you have to ask…

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Ida Marie does a trust fall in crop coords and I don’t hate it.

Olivia is from Alaska so she gives an Eskimo kiss. She then takes off her fur coat and tosses it at Nick. I think it was supposed to be sexy but it kind of just came off like Nick worked in coat check.

Sarah wears running sneakers because he’s “not a runner up to her”…OK girl. Also has a front tie on her dress that drives me nuts.

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Jasmine G. brings Neil Lane with her, who promptly gives Nick the most half assed hug I’ve ever seen, and she shows her engagement ring preference “to get it out of the way”. It’s a cocky move that I almost respect until we cut to her crying when she can’t get time with Nick like a little baby bitch.

Hailey drops the line of the night when she says, “Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says? Neither do I.” Methinks Nick liked that one because he immediately is like ok yes let’s get another hug in there! It’s almost like these girls know that Nick is easy…

Danielle M. seems like she’ll be taking on the role of wholesome girl this season. She’s pretty, she takes care of babies as a Neonatal nurse and they have a deep convo about it later where Nick wonders if she works in a hospital or like, out of the basement of her home or something. It was touch and go for a minute when they first meet, fight about who makes better french toast and Danielle feeds him a glop of syrup with her fingers–to which Nick says, I trust that your fingers are clean. YIKES.

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Jaimi-“You have some balls and so do I.” Pulls out a nose ring. Well that’s one way to kill a boner. Another way is by walking into a room full of girls and saying I HAVE BALLS! Preeetttyyy sure every girl in that room counted Jaimi out for their competition. As they should have.

Susannah gives Nick a beard massage and teases, “there’s more where that came from.” She did not get a rose, so I think it’s safe to assume her beard massage game is a D- at best.

Lacey rolls in on a camel and says, “I heard you like a good hump.” Camels aren’t sexy Lacey, and neither are you.

And if I may, let’s end this recap with proof that girls are assholes. First off, the biggest drama of the night was that too many girls were in red dresses. It started off as like 2 or 3 girls wearing red and everyone being like OmG twinnnies and red sisters for lifeeyyyy, boooooo ❤ Two minutes later another crimson girl rolls in and suddenly there’s murder in everyone’s eyes. “WHO THE F does she think she is wearing the same color as me????” Is what literally every girl in red is thinking. Glad we can keep it real though. #SoulSisters #LadiesinRed #SalsaGirlEmoji. Of course we also can’t forget about Shark-who is having an identity crisis as a dolphin-girl, who was the talk of the house (once everyone stopped yapping about their matching dresses.) At one point some biddy actually pointed at shark girl and slurs “sheee’s my spirrrittt animallllllll!” And another one goes “yaasssss omg I’m loving thisSssSs.” She wasn’t. Every one of these girls was judging Sharkey and thinking she looked stupid. And yet they told her she was killing it–which is why you should ALWAYS keep your head on swivel when you dress as a Super Bowl halftime joke from last year and walk around making high pitched dolphin noises. The more you know.

 

Roses: Rachel, Vanessa, Danielle L, Christen, Astrid, Corinne, Elizabeth, Jasmine G, Raven, Kristina (babbles with tears through the whole rose ceremony then gets a rose), Danielle M, Sarah, Josephine, Lacey, Taylor, Alexis, Hailey, Brittany, Dominique, Jaimi, Liz

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The Bachelor S21: Ranking the Contestants

CORRINE, RAVEN, SARAH, LAUREN, LACEY, SUSANNAH, ANGELA, DOMINIQUE, ALEXIS, ELIZABETH W., KRISTINA, OLIVIA, BRIANA, NICK VIALL, DANIELLE M., WHITNEY, JASMINE, JAIMI, IDA MARIE, VANESSA, TAYLOR, HAILEY, RACHEL, BRITTANY, ASTRID, CHRISTEN, JOSEPHINE, ELIZABETH "LIZ", MICHELLE, DANIELLE L., JASMINE G.

I’m gonna be real up front with you guys, because I’m just an honest gal, but I cannot stand Nick Viall. He was immature on Andi’s season when he shamed her on live tv for “making love” to him, and he acted like a 2 year old on Kaitlyn’s season when he made her O with the mics still on and then gloated about it to Shawn B. I don’t feel bad that he hasn’t found love, he’s a whiny famewhore that I don’t care to see on my TV ever again. Luke deserved to be Bachelor and everyone knows it. Ok. Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest this should be a wild season. Not only because our leading man has a hardcore lisp and cries a lot on TV BUT ALSO because apparently his fetish is dating girls with an average age 10-12 years his junior, who fantasize about being mermaids and dolphins in their free time. Hold onto your fins..let’s dive right into this season’s gaggle of biddies.

By default, any female who wrote that she wanted to be a dolphin or Ariel has been clumped in my bottom rankings because ENOUGH. Also I looked back at last year’s ladies and 2 of them wanted to be dolphins as well so like where is this passion coming from? Dolphins rape people and everybody knows it. Especially me, because I googled it after  meeting a dolphin who was getting a little too fresh at the Clearwater Aquarium in Florida. Ironically, the dolphin’s name was Nick. True Story. Evidence below:

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Susannah, 26

susannah

Wants to be Ariel for her “AMAZING” hair and seashell bra.

Lauren, 30

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A nice change of pace, the ONLY Lauren this season, but still wants to be a dolphin. Cause, like they’re cute AND smart.(Also her fave movies are Step Brothers and Hocus Pocus, which makes me WANT to like her but she had to ruin it with the dolphin love.)

Briana, 28

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Ya girl Bri wants to be a dolphin so she can do flips and be cute. She ALSO wants to be Ariel because she has great hair and a hot boyfriend. Although I agree that Prince Eric is the hottest Disney leading man at best (Aladdin is #2 obv.) it still doesn’t change the fact that both of these answers are dumb AF.

Astrid, 26

astrid

Astrid is a “Plastic Surgery Office Manager”, whatever that is. Not only does her job sound completely made up, but her reasoning for becoming flipper is so she can do tricks and RESCUT LOST SAILORS. On what planet do dolphins rescue sailors? Did she mean rape them? Just wondering. Astrid ideally would not like to work a day in her life (shocker that she’s now in the reality TV game) and wants to be Ariel (BEFORE she got legs) so she can explore the ocean. Explore away, boo. Maybe you’ll find some lost sailors.

Angela, 26

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Angela is a model by trade and a dolphin dreamer by night. She just thinks they’re so playful and sociable. Her guilty pleasure is licking the popcorn bag. So to run that back real quick, she’s paid to be pretty and skinny and one of her pasttimes is licking hot butter and salt off of paper. Sign me up to be a model as well. I’ll crush it.

Alexis, 23

alexis

Alexis is “an aspiring dolphin trainer” and therefore attempting to turn her dolphin fantasies into a career. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that she’s the nut that shows up in a dolphin costume on night one. Can’t wait to see if all of these dolphin loving ladies then follow her around like a cult leader. Alexis’ ex boyfriend once told her she had a mustache which is really embarrassing but not as embarrassing as wearing a dolphin costume that everyone on twitter immediately assumed was “Left Shark” when the above group photo was released. And so ends our dolphin and mermaid segment of this blog.

Jaimi, 28

jaimi

Jaimi will eat Nick Viall for dinner. Jk he’s not a fish or a bird. J here is a “Pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian”. If that doesn’t make you immediately want to say goodbye to her, let’s talk about how she impresses guys by bench pressing them with her legs. Hawt. Lastly, she catered the Oscars–which I can only assume means she delivered the pizzas?

Taylor, 23

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Taylor is 23 and her favorite clothing designer is Forever 21.

Josephine, 24

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Jo here felt the need to point out that she’s 5’7 3/4″ BECAUSE THAT 3/4 OF AN INCH CLEARLY MATTERS and wishes she could be Stephen Hawking. When you’re bound to a wheelchair, how will people know that you’ve got that extra 3/4 inch on ya? Just wondering.

Rachel, 31

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I’m guessing Rachel is already too old for Nick and also could probably toss him over her shoulder looking at those Michelle Obama gunz she’s rocking. She’s a successful attorney and points out how much she focused on her career. Obviously someone this driven cannot commit to being famous for nothing for the rest of her life so it’s not going to work out. Unless of course, Nick has decided he needs a breadwinner while he extends his five seconds of fame into FAR TOO LONG. (Still not bitter.)

Liz, 29

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Liz is a doula, which means she pulls babies out of other women’s vaginas (typically in their home). She birthed her niece and let me be the first to say that I never ever want to have my hands near either of my sister’s vaginas so this raises a red flag for me. In a little fill in the blank quiz, Liz admits that if she never had to “kill somone” she’d be happy. UH, SAME? Always hope you won’t have to commit murder in your lifetime. Seems reasonable.

 Olivia, 25

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Olivia is an “Apparel Sales Representative”, which is the Bachelor way of saying she works in retail. Hey guys, JUST SAY SHE WORKS IN RETAIL!!! It’s ok! We all know everyone quits their jobs to go on this show anyway! Liv was the kicker on her football team in high school and cried so hard during her first maid of honor speech because it was so bad that she had to take a TO in the middle of it. Not a great highlight reel so far.

Lacey, 25

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Out of everyone living or dead, Lacey chose to have lunch with Joe Jonas and now she is dead to me.

Sarah, 26

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The wildest thing Sarah ever did was move to NYC with “3 bucks”. So Sarah was clearly once homeless because I don’t know anyone with 3 bucks to their name who doesn’t sleep on a park bench at night.

Jasmine G, 29

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Jazz is a pro BBall dancer, which is a super cool job–then she compared herself to Guy Fieri.

Raven, 25

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Raven’s favorite actress was Brittany Murphy (WHEN SHE WAS ALIVE LOLOLOL) I’d love to get her hot takes on the Lifetime unauthorized Brittany Murphy biopic.

Vanessa, 29

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Another Canadian in the mix, V is 5′ 3 AND A HALF”, if she could be any fruit or veggie she chooses onion and her favorite gift was a promise ring. I don’t think she’ll make it past the first night.

Ida Marie, 23

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WHAT a name. Ida Marie eats cheetos with a pickle. I love cheetos, and I love pickles, but I nearly barfed that the thought of mixing the two. Clean it up, IM.

Corinne, 24

corinneCleavage Corinne over here is in the process of lasering off all of her tats. It should be illegal for her to tell us that and not give the juicy deets of what she regrets inking, accompanied with pictures.

Kristina, 24

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Instead of keeping it light and fun in her bio, Kristina gave us a peek into her past by saying she’d like to be her mom for a day to understand why she chose alcohol over her kids. She was an orphan and is grateful for her parents adopting her. We will obviously hear her entire history on night one. Also, on the bright side–when asked who her favorite designer is, she said herself.

Whitney, 25

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Whit lives life with no ragrets, Tim Riggins style and really wants to be Gisele so she can be a model AND married to Tom Brady. Get in line, girl.

Danielle M, 31

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Danielle lost her fiance and moved to Nashville to start over so she will be pegged immediately by producers as the damaged one going through a hardship. If we’ve learned anything it’s that you don’t want to end up like Kelsey Sanderson Poe, who scripted her time on the Bachelor better than a trashy lifetime movie.

Elizabeth, 24

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Elizabeth wants to be BOTH Britney Spears and Kate Middleton. Cause, like, they have so much in common. She also has misophonia which is when you hate listening to others chew. So basically everyone on this planet suffers from that because chewing is supes gross.

Brittany, 26

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Brittany seems normal and probably will make it far but for entertainment value she’s a real snooze. She knows that food is the way to a man’s heart and wants to be married with a kid in five years. Also not to be petty (but totally to be petty) I’m all for trying out the choker trend mostly because I idolize Kaitlyn Bristowe and she’s all in on chokers but this one having loose tails that hang down is really throwing me off. I don’t love it.

Dominique, 25

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Dominique mentions Chipotle and burritos twice in her bio  (in addition to a brunch shout out) so she’s like one step away from becoming a walking basic betch graphic tee. But I like her because her lunch date with three people alive or dead consisted of Jesus, Leonardo Dicaprio and her Grandpa. What a crew!

Michelle, 24

michelleSpeaking of zany choices for lunch with 3 celebs, Michelle (who owns a food truck) tossed down Dumbledore, Gwen Stefani and Princess Diana. WHAT WOULD THESE THREE TALK ABOUT?! The ideas are endless. Also I’m gonna need to know exactly what type of food she trucks, stat.

Danielle L, 27

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Dan-triple-L is a babe soda, started a business when she was 23 and <3’s Chrissy Teigen of course.

Hailey, 23

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Hailez is a Canadian who loves 90’s music and building schools in China on the DL. So she’s chill AF and also does good shit for the world. Plus she’s pretty. Do we think she knew Nick was the Bach when she signed up for this?

Jasmine B, 25

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I’m down with Jasmine. Not only does she have an “always and forever” tat (shoutout to the best fictional couple to ever get married and have a baby before high school graduation) but the flaws she listed were that she’s “too nice” and “cares too much.” CLASSIC job interview spin zone. Oh list my weaknesses? Sure, I’m too pretty. #TeamJB

Christen, 25

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Christen topped my list not because she’s the hottest or the most interesting. It’s because her weird obsession made me laugh the hardest. (There was never going to be a frontrunner in this mix, sorry bout it.) Anyway, it was business as usual reading Christen’s blurb and fearing a shoutout to dolphins when I noticed that peeping tom is more her style. When asked if she could break any law–she said she wants to break into the White House and hide in a closet just to see what goes on. Then if she could have any job in the world she chose the President. Girl just wants to creep all up in that White House and I have no choice but to respect it.

Welp that’s it. That’s this year’s crop of 30 dazzling girls. Who will be a frontrunner? It’s literally impossible to tell. Tune in January 2nd for the 100 hour premiere. I for one, CAN wait.

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Pop Culture, Television

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2016

YAASS YAAASSS more, more, more beautiful young people strutting their T&A all over my TV. But seriously, last night marks the annual outpouring of girls on twitter crying that they don’t have VS angel bodies, while also snapping pics of the pizza box next to them. This year, instead of doing the same, I came full circle through my stages of grief and landed on acceptance. I accept that I will never have a model body and that I went out for beers and fried pickles last night instead of going to the gym AND I FEEL GR8 ABOUT IT. I also now really want a pair of over the knee suede boots. So thank you, Victoria’s Secret. We’ve come a long way. Also here are five things that made me laugh in the one hour that I watched half naked biddies strut.

1. DOG purses featured in a FASHION show with LINGERIE. 

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Hey girrrrrls, you know what’s super sexy? Doing a cute little shimmy in your sheer teddy for your boyfriend then grabbing something out of your purse shaped like a dog. Why is Pink allowed in the same show that features girls letting us inspect their labia on the runway, essentially? It must end.

2. What replaces wings?

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Still not as good as last year’s literal firecrackers strapped to a model’s back, but getting stuck with the wheel of fortune ISN’T GREAT. Also, an actual dragon.

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3. Musicians + Models=Awkz.

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I cringe at this year after year and they still never learn. The musicians try so hard to interact with the models and they quite literally can’t comprehend what to do. It then results in some awkward stand-offs and weird hand clasps. Lady Gaga takes the cake this year when she charged at the model with the giant black wings like a bull and weirdly froze and stared at another one. I expected nothing less from her.

4. Bruno Mars is a grain of rice on the runway.

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Seriously, he’s wearing high heels and these models are still twice his size. I mean, I knew he was short but damn it was like a performance by the Borrowers. THAT FUR COAT ISN’T DISTRACTING US FROM YOU BEING THE ONLY GUY WHO CAN EASILY RUN UNDER AN ANGEL’S WINGS! 24K Magic still bangs though.

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5. Eat your heart out, Weeknd.

Bella Hadid makes her debut, gets a killer outfit instead of the typical first year “no one wanted to wear this” number and then struts that ass on by her ex-boyfriend who basically crawls up her buhhole as she passes. Sidebar: She also ate a banana in slow-mo this week in a porny 80’s aerobic video for Love Advent, so she’s really living her best life. (I know that because it was a headline on People…and also I watched it.) Anyway, Bella-you do you, girl. Maybe with a little more personality though? Just a friendly suggestion from one professional model to another.

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Bonus: This is what front row of a fashion show looks like.

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Double Bonus: GIGI ❤

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And last but not least, to all the ladiezZz who were boohooing into their ice cream last night. Take solace in the fact that Irina Shayk walked the runway preggers with Bradley Cooper’s baby, and still had a flatter stomach than I ever will. The end.

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