Television

10 Times Degrassi WENT. THERE.

Still reeling from the news of Canada finally putting a stop to the FOREVER running series Degrassi, I thought it would approps to look back on the most ridiculous times the show felt it necessary to fulfill its dramatic tagline, “It Goes There.” I remember the first time I saw Degrassi I was at a friend’s house who had rich people cable (at the time) thus allowing my thirteen-year-old eyes access to “The N”. I watched as a bunch of middle schoolers/possibly high schoolers(?) had sex AND exotic Canadian accents. I was hooked. The day my family finally got digital cable was a day of rejoice. I could finally binge Degrassi. And I did. Hard. I learned a lot of dirty things from this show and their whoreish characters but I also learned via kidz bop intro each episode that whatever it takes (pregnancy, STDs, death) they knew they could make it through. And they did make it through, until they got cancelled. So here’s my ode to the corruption of my youth. Thanks for getting rich people cable when I was thirteen, mom and dad!

10. Toby starts eating laxies so he can wrestle. (Season 2, Episode 9)

I mean c’mon. Toby is a pudgy nerd and looks like he’s 10 for basically the entire series so the writers try to throw him a bone here and give him some drama and it’s embarrassing that this is what they came up with. Toby makes the wrestling team and realizes his weight is no match for Sean’s muscles (sup, Sean?) So he tries to drop a weight class by feasting on laxatives so he can shit out 30 lbs or something. PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY SOMEONE WOULD WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT TO BE BETTER AT WRESTLING. Toby, you don’t even crash diet right! Hit the gym, pal. I pretty much don’t remember a thing about Toby for the rest of the show, except that he befriends terrifying Rick and also turns into Mr. Steal Yo Girl after JT dies and flirts up on Liberty. Oh, Tobes.

9. Spinner pops a boner all day, erreday. (Season 2, Episode 5)

Obviously not as dramatic as other issues but Spinner having to give a presentation in class and going all boner jamz taught me all about the binder cover-up. CLASSIC puberty. It’s all fun and boners until Spinner eventually gets testicular cancer. Because why not? If only he knew then what was to come. He would’ve appreciated his surprise boners a little more.

8. Manny debuts a bedazzled bright blue G-String. (Season 3, Episode 3)

Manny Santos decides one day that she’s #OverIt being the quiet, lame sidekick to aggressively feminist Emma so obviously the quickest way to stop being a square is to hike your thong up 6 inches above your Limited Too flare jeans and strut down the main hallway at school. This was a precursor for what to expect with Manny…a casual pregnancy (at 14), boob job and hooters viral video all before graduation and an eventual acting career. You do you, girl.

7. Emma meets her online boyfriend/predator. (Season 1 Episodes 1-2)

Lil baby Emma chats it up all day on AIM with Jordan, “a boy from another school district” and they decided to finally meet up at a hotel, as 12-year-old cyber couples tend to do, and SHOCK CITY it’s a middle aged creep looking for some preteen lovin. This was scandalous for it’s time, the peak of AIM, when making up a screen name and pretending to be someone from another school to talk to your crush was suuupes normal and also could’ve led to rape apparently. Unfortunately for everyone she didn’t wear her dolphin jeans to meet Jordan.

6. Ellie’s mom sets the house on fire and then gets pissed when Ellie moves out. (Season 4, Episode 5.)

So we know Ellie is the Goth girl who slices her wrists, that’s her cross to bear but her mom is a real asshole. She shows up to parent’s night wasted then goes home and covers herself in Jack and torches the house a little bit. So Ellie’s all peace out I’m moving in with my boyfriend. Ellie’s mom slaps the shit out of Sean and demands Ellie comes home until she shows her mom the carrying case she has for all of her sharp objects to injure herself and then mom is like ok you can leave again and I’ll continue to turn this house into kindling. WHAT? is with all the shitty parents in this series. Alex’s mom loses all their money and forces Alex to strip so they don’t get evicted, Craig’s birth dad is the worst human ever (more on that later), Ellie’s mom is addicted to the sauce, Emma’s dad is in a home because he took too much acid and ruined his brain. Apparently Degrassi parents WENT there too.

5. Paige gets raped and sings to her rapist to feel better. (Season 2, Episodes 7-8)

Paige is annoying AF. She dresses like an atrocity, overplays the cool bitchy girl and calls everyone “Hun”. So when hottie soccer player Dean hits on her I was all YESS, a spicy storyline for annoying Paige. Then he casj invited her to a party and raped her. So that ruined things. Obviously traumatized she decides to unleash all of her emotions in a coffeehouse performance with band PMS. Dean sits front row and Paige is all I’M NOT YOUR POOR THINGGGGG and he storms out probably because she’s terrible at singing but Paige takes this as a victory. It’s cringe worthy at best.

4. Craig’s entire existence is THERE. (Seasons 1-8)

Craig is probably the worst character in the history of characters. Any outlandish thing you can imagine, he embodies. First we learn that Craig’s birth dad beats the shit out of him and Craig contemplates stepping in front of a train because his dad is so scary but then no worries, Craig’s dad dies in a car accident. Craig laughs at his funeral because his dad was a dick but also ya boy Craig was a little unstable right from the get go. Then he bangs Ashley and Manny at the same time and doesn’t think it’s all going to blow up in his face. It does. He also knocks Manny up because sleeping with 2 girls without condoms is SO MUCH BETTER than just one. Season 4 brings about bi-polar Craig who runs away from home, asks Ashley to marry him then has a very public meltdown. Craig is prescribed meds to act like a normal person in society again. Later on, Craig’s band sees a little fame and he starts touring but you know what a rock tour brings? Lots of drugs, duh. He gets hooked on the nose candy and everything is going dandy (nailed it) until he’s onstage and gets a gnarly cocaine noise bleed. Oopsie. Oh that’s just Craig, the bi-polar, man whore, beaten, drug addict. I do not and will not ever miss you, Craig. I will however, continue to be baffled with how you managed to ‘trate every girl in Degrassi.

3. Emma gives her first blowie in a van by the river and catches Gonorrhea. (Season 4, Episodes 14-15)

Our sweet little Emma who once fell for the basic plot of To Catch A Predator grew UP over the course of this series and this arc was probably her most shocking, yet also still hilarious. Reeling from witnessing a shootout at school, she recovers by going down to the ravine at night to kick it with 22-year-old high school “student” Jay who may or may not have lived in a van by said ravine. It turns out sketchy Jay runs somewhat of a brothel out of this van and basically gets around the clock beej’s and rewards the chicks by giving them a colored bracelet they can parade around school to show they got all up in that D. Emma soon finds out that he also rewards his biddies with a mean case of Gonorrhea. YIKES. I think she promptly went back to picketing for biodegradable lunch trays after she was cleared of the ‘rea.

2. JT gets stabbed to death at a house party. (Season 6, Episode 11)

In an event to secure another few seasons and apparently make Degrassi seem like it’s one town over from da hood, a rivalry with another high school is created and some shady-lookin, long-haired MF’ers start a little East Canada/West Canada beef. JT always the peacemaker and formerly the little squirt with the spiky hair somehow becomes a target for this Canadian group of hoodrats and they roll up on Liberty’s birthday party and stab JT to death. This was when I officially quit Degrassi. There’s a difference between it GOING there and it taking a high school rivalry and within the matter of minutes having it heightened to a little stabsies of the most laidback character in Degrassi history. I’M STILL NOT OVER JT’S DEATH. RIP JT.

1. Rick shoots up the school and gives Jimmy a new home in a wheelchair. (Season 4, Episodes 7-8)

Rick and Terri are an adorbzies high school couple until Rick suddenly goes Hulk Hogan on her and puts her in a little bit of a coma. Rick sliding into Degrassi and then telling Terri she’s fat and smashing her head in is ridiculous enough but the writers were like you know what? That didn’t really GO there.

So they sent Rick away for a while until we kinda forgot about his creepy existence but then pulled a fast one on us and brought him back. Emma, always the activist of Grrrl Power, immediately gets the whole school to make Rick feel like the piece of garbage that he is. Then Spinner drops paint on him and feathers him as a prank and suddenly Rick’s runnin’ through the 6 with his woes runnin’ through the hallways with a glock. He shoots Jimmy, paralyzing him for life (or a couple seasons) and then offs himself…all while wearing feathers.

Of course this is the most dramatic thing to ever happen on Degrassi and the most memorable but above all I’d like to thank this episode for creating this:

PLAY US OUT WHEELCHAIR DRIZZY

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Man Meat Everywhere

We pick up this week with Kupah having his just-got-dumped-on-TV rage blackout aimed at a cameraman. Suddenly Kupah goes from screaming like a lunatic to smooth cool guy when Kaitlyn appears. He explains that he’s shouting because he doesn’t want to go home, he wants to get a book deal out of this…or something. Once he starts talking about more attractive girls he’s been with I think the producers gently say ok Kupah you’re 5 minutes is up please get into the Dodge Caravan and go quietly into the night to join Ryan B. McDrunkerson in Bachelorette shame.

Rose Ceremony: Clint, JJ, Ben Z., Jared, Ben H., Shawn B., Jonathan, Tanner, Chris Cupcake, Ryan, Justin, Ian, Joshua, Joe, Tony

Kaitlyn sobs about having to send men home. WAH MY LIFE IS SO HARD. Meanwhile, I sob about the fact that we have to put up with Tony for a minute longer than we should. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? Anyway, speaking of, apparently Kaitlyn did something to deserve a gaggle of bros who aren’t even trying to hide that they’re pursuing alternate careers via her TV show and peacing out left and right. It is ROUGH to watch.

SUMO Date: Clint, Chris, Tony, JJ, Joe, Shawn

Sumo wrestlers sneak into the house and wake up all the men with a pretty aggress gong hit. JJ really wants to go on the Japanese date because he likes sushi. He’s obviously supes cultured. Once assembled, all the boys are wearing sumo diapers and need a whole lot of censorship, not unlike Jillian’s asshole last season. They do lunges in their thongs just so that Kaitlyn, a bunch of other dudes and a camera crew can size up the contestants’ junk hangin loosey goosey. (Joe’s in particular.) Tony runs his gentle hands through his mop top, pulls it into the babiest man bun I’ve ever seen, flicks his shades down and announces that a 600 lb man should be VERY AFRAID. T-Bone Tone slaps the fat man a bunch of times while everyone else points and laughs then MOOD SWING, Tony the healer must need a little more ginkgo because he is very sad. He tells Kaitlyn that every date is about aggression and he’s a lover even though he just played slap the man boob with that wrestler five minutes ago. Basically Tony acts like a whiny baby, which is ironic because he’s also wearing a diaper while he wah-wah’s. I stop listening as I usually do when Tony speaks, plus I was distracted by him tucking his hair behind his ears and hawking a loogey over the balcony while trying to win Kaitlyn over. Someone get Tony his bottle. Exhibition: Tony decides not to participate because he’s too busy talking to whoever will listen about his sensitive soul. The guys de-robe and apparently there are parents out there who think it’s acceptable to bring their children to something like this. Needless to say a few kids caught an eyeful of man meat and will forever be scarred. Kaitlyn “fights” the big sumo guy AKA he tosses her around like an adorable little doll and then lets her push him out of the ring. Clint establishes himself as the Ben Z. of this week when he tries to break everyone’s bones. He wins the fight but not Kaitlyn’s heart when he decides to ignore her later. After some incoherent soul searching, Tony puts on his Navajo sweatshirt and camo hat and leaves to return to his life as a spiritual gangster who will milk his TV fame for all it’s worth…but not before he stops to talk to Kaitlyn and torture us all some more. BAIIII TONYYYYYY. Shawn saves Kaitlyn from awk city of Clint ignoring her, is his usual adorbsicles self and gets the rose.

One on One with Ben Z. –SURPRISE YOU’RE GONNA DIE by Chris Harrison

Chris Harrison is waiting for them in a dark creepy basement. Exploiting Kaitlyn’s fears, Chris is all hey I’m gonna lock you two in a room full of birds and you have to figure out how to get out. Ben reels Kaitlyn in with his strong arms and cradles her when pigeons make her screech (I do not suggest you ever move to a city, Kaitlyn.) The room is essentially a horror movie nightmare with someone in the bed moving around and they have to troll around looking for clues to get themselves out before they die via gas chamber. Ya know, just fun-loving family programming. Full disclosz: I had to cover my eyes a couple times. The password to their freedom is “roses”…did we really need to watch them touch snakes, cockroaches, maggots, limbs, puke, blood and unearth a picture of Britt’s face just to discover that the password is THE PREMISE OF THE SHOW? Later they order pizza and Ben Z. talks more about his dead mom and how he suppresses his man tears. Quick tip: if your parents ever tell you to walk the dog, don’t. Finally they hot tub and Ben Z catches a rose and I catch a glimpse of another contestant with a hideous shoulder tat.

Group Date: “Let’s Learn to Love” Jonathan, Ben H, Joshua, Ryan, Jared, Tanner

The boys have to teach sex ed to children far too small to be learning about penetration. We soon learn that LoLzz, Kaitlyn has hired all of these child actors to be a bunch of pervs and ask questions that will give these guys the uncomfies like the little heffer who asked Ryan and his swoopy hair (seriously what is this hairstyle?) about the clitoris. Ryan brilliantly advises that little chunks learn how to rub up on that shit if he ever wants to get a girl. Not only are these kids inquisitive about the best sex positions, they also are the biggest overreactors in the game. I’m guessing they would’ve gotten their paychecks for this job either way, so the dramats facial expressions were a bit much. Although when Joshua described a “tampin” as a torpedo and a girl’s period as her uterine layer dying, this seemed like an appropo reaction: Ben H. steps up to save the day and tell a fairytale story about how sex happens with reenactments and oh my lanta Prince Charming does exist as he mimes a sperm swimming through the “stuff”. ABC shows what a bunch of prudes they are by bleeping everything out like it’s a Kanye performance or something.

Later Joshua reveals that not only did he learn about puberty from cows, he also didn’t have his first kiss until college. Kaitlyn’s like panties ON. Then Ben H. takes her to the roof, pulls a quick dip kiss, and Kaitlyn’s like panties OFF. Obviously Ben H. gets the rose. Also Jared, whose face and personality I would like to punch, kisses Kaitlyn like a baby bitch and it makes me squirm. Jared the weasel needs to go.

While all of this magic is happening with Kaitlyn and her group date, there’s a whole lot of bromance simmering back at the mansion between the two douchenozzles of the crew. Clint and JJ like to wrassle and eat together and since the Bachelorette has no qualms with being offensive they try to tease a gay storyline through editing and well-placed censorship. The bros hang out in the hot tub and talk about turtles then wind down with some guitar jams by the fire. And that’s just a regular day for these two apparently. How could we not believe it’s love?! Clint has decided that he doesn’t want to pork Kaitlyn, he’d much prefer to stick around and bro out with JJ because it would be OUTRAGEOUS to think that these two can exchange numbers and do that off camera.

Cocktail Party

Clint spews some bullshit about not having the balls to talk to Kaitlyn after the sumo date and then smashed his tongue down her throat like a con artist to guarantee a rose and a trip to JJ’s back door. FTR, if we were going to pick gays out of this group, I think these two morons would be bottom rung, but whatever. They both like sports and popping back zits. They did not factor in Joshua’s narc’ing skillz and we end this week with yet another confrontation cliffhanger between our gal Kaitlyn and a turd exploiting the show for Twitter followers. In the event that you wanted to end on a more satisfying note, here’s a picture of Shawn’s man bunz.

Memorable Quotes:

“Me and my daughter are cool.” -Cory defending to himself why he should get a rose and Kaitlyn should be a stepmommy. He’s hot but it’s probably for the best that he was sent packing to hang with his cool daughter.”

“Ben Z is a babe soda.” My new (much more appropriate way) to say a guy is hot. Thanks Kait.

“I see the world through the eyes of a child, the heart of a warrior and I have a gypsy soul.”-Tony repeating this phrase over and over and in about 3,2,1 we’ll see him selling t-shirts online with this serial killer motto.

“I think Tony partied his ass off last night because it’s non-existent.”-JJ spending his group date looking at the other guys’ buhholes. Wise use of your time, J.

“Villains gotta vill.”-The bros who shower together also have a catchphrase and it’s a little too reminiscent of a T.Swift song. I can only assume that it will soon be a matching shoulder tat displayed loud and proud.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Return of the Britt

Since The Bachelorette feels bad for all that chirping they took for pitting two women against each other and letting the men choose their trophy wife from the case, they soften the blow by intertwining Britt into this episode and giving her a quick love connection. Britt sobs to her mom about having to come home before she even unpacked her bags and knock, knock, it’s Brady Interruptus choosing this point in time to be like hey girl, I missed you since last night and let’s fall in love during the two hour block of tonight’s episode so Chris Harrison can feel better about kicking you off so abruptly.

“Will Britt and Brady fall in love?” Answer: They’ve hung out for a week and are now going steady.

Group Date: “I See This Ending With A Ring.”

Daniel, Justin, Jared, Corey, Tanner, Kupah, Ben(s)

Laila Ali is going to teach these turds how to box. Daniel looks genuinely scared just when Laila starts speaking so I already looked forward to him shitting his pants when it came to actual blows. Kupah is like I’ll count this as a free boxing lesson and try to ride out this TV career without ever speaking to Kaitlyn…but more on that later. The boyz face off in front of a paid crowd and Ben Z. who not only is a hottie but has muscles for days too squares off with Jared who is literally half his size and then everyone acts quite shocked when Ben Z. tries to murder Jared. The little runt has to go to the hospital but he’d rather just skip that nonsense and hang with Kaitlyn instead.

Later, Ben Z says he feels bad about trying to knock Jared’s head off with the same amount of fake remorse I use to say I feel bad about eating that ice cream. And here’s something…he tells Kaitlyn how he lost his mom when he was 13. (No really-that’s the segue he uses from talking about BBQ to his dead mom.) Justin has a son named Aurealis (sp?) and I’m gonna need anyone who names their child THAT off the show immediately. While talking to Daniel about his furniture line for his fellow gays, Kaitlyn is slipped a note and jets outta there to see Jared outside, on the lam from the hospital. He demands a smooch for the cold cock he took from Ben Z. It’s the ole Bachelorette barter system, a sloppy makeout in exchange for a minor concussion. In the end, Ben Z. gets the rose and a tongue-ing. Back at the boy scouts ranch, Tony, the only one in the house sporting a fresh black eye, gives a passionate speech about how competition should never result in fisticuffs.

One on One Date- “You Take My Breath Away” Clint

This date is an underwater photoshoot, cause it’s like all the rage for engagement photos and definitely not creepy or corpse-like. They get ready for the photoshoot by breathing deeply and touching each other because apparently this is how one prepares to model in a heated pool.

In addition to looking like their eyes are rolling back in their head whilst drowning, Clint and Kaitlyn have an underwater makeout sesh, which seems quite complicated. They try again above water obviously. No but seriously all the awards to Kaitlyn for looking remotely sexy underwater, my friends and I tried to do a photoshoot in my pool once and it was disastrous. I’m not even being dramats…here was my best take:

Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s chlorine in her eyes? I guess you win this round, Kaitlyn. After they make out some more on the roof during dinner, Kaitlyn reveals that Clint brings out her romantic side and therefore he gets a rose.

Group Date: I’m Looking for a Man Who Will Stand Up For Me

JJ, Jonathan, Chris (“Cupcake”), Ian, Joe, Tony, Joshua

Amy Schumer comes in to spice things up, teach the guys improv and drool all over Kaitlyn. Surprisingly, most of the guys do well with their pre-written jokes. JJ acts like a real dick and basically says he’s above everyone else and also that he’s a 30 year old single dad living with his parents. Keep doing you, JJ. Tony gets sauced, has a hard case of the stutters and uses his stage time to pontificate about the universe or something. Everyone in the crowd gets the uncomfy laughs and Tony has no radar for when people are laughing at him, not with him. Cupcake Chris relies on those abs of his to seal the deal when he unbuttons his minty toothpaste shirt.

Later on, Joshua talks about his dogs farting and every time Tony opens his mouth, straight gibberish dribbles out. It was exhausting trying to keep up with his stream of consciousness while also not looking directly into his nightmare bug eyes. I can honestly say I understood Onion Pomegranate better than this goon. They must be eating from the same onion tree near the mansion. Kaitlyn and douchenozzle JJ talk about his daughter some more and Kaitlyn essentially needs a cleanup in aisle underwear every time he even mentions his kid. This turn on that he’s a dad is starting to get real weird. They explore each other’s mouths. Joe takes Kaitlyn outside to eat her face against a brick wall then ruins his aggressive move by saying “Well I’ll be” like a grandpa discovering internet for the first time. Desert sandstorm underwear. JJ gets the rose because Kaitlyn has a dad fetish (that clearly doesn’t apply to dads of kids named after constellations.)

Cocktail Party:

The boys have a Gentlemen’s Agreement (huzzah!) to let the ones who didn’t get dates have some alone time with Kaitlyn and JJ says no way Jose’s and steers Kaitlyn right outta the room. Dick move, bruh. Ian talks about how he casually almost died after college and re-learned how to be a human so he gets a kiss. It’s the bachelor(ette) way to spew your sob story right quick if you think you’re on the chopping block, duhs. JJ tells a room full of testosterone steaming about his power move, “sorry I’m not sorry” like he’s a basic betch justifying having too much jungle juice at the luau themed sorority rush party. Tony is the most angry about it…he could just kill JJ with his bare…kindess.

Out of contestants we forgot existed, Kupah tries to pull the MINORITY CARD to justify why he’s still there when he LITERALLY voted for Britt and has made a point not to talk to Kaitlyn at all. Get out of here Kupah. He sits down with Kaitlyn to accuse her of keeping him around just because he’s black. Kaitlyn tells him he has made 0 effort and now the connection she once felt is gone. He returns to the crew to word vomit his anger and Kaitlyn hears everything from where she’s sitting directly next to him. She stomps on over and cuts off his yapping to take him away and tell him he needs to leave. He acts like an asshole, takes a swig of his whiskey and handcuffs himself to the door refusing to leave. JK but he does throw a baby tantrum and insist he’s not leaving because he thinks Kaitlyn is really sexy and he still would like to have relations with her. Kaitlyn is like no thank you, bye Felicia. Obviously he moves his tantrum right outside to the producers and when Kaitlyn overhears him yelling again she marches right out to handle things because she’s a bo$$. To Be Continued hopefully with a swift knee to Kupah’s groin. Smell ya later, Kupz.

Best Quotes

“Surprise, surprise.” -Tony as he sneaks into Kaitlyn’s bedroom at night and wakes her up with his crazy eyes, presumably to smother her to death with plants.

“JJ’s a sweetheart, he’s just missing charisma, and humility and a sense of humor…Maybe when he sees the show he’ll reflect on himself and not be such a turd.”-Amy Schumer telling it like it is.

“Right now I feel smugness wrapped inside of cockiness wrapped inside of confidence wrapped inside of I just talked to the girl and you didn’t.”-JJ…at least he wraps it up?

“When we first met it was weird but when we hit third year, boy it was amazing.”-The love story Kupah tries to convince Kaitlyn they’ll tell their grandkids. I’m guessing he’ll leave out the part about throwing a tantrum and trying to force this love story into existence.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette-Let the Tongue Smashing Begin

In the first few minutes Chris breaks the news to Britt that shes outtie 5000. Britt is HEARTBROKEN that she just lost all these men who she talked to for a collective 10 minutes. She sobsies in the limo farewell and you know what? I don’t feel bad because Britt has goddess mermaid hair and apparently gives good hug…plus the whole she’s been on TV thing and I don’t think she’ll have a hard time snagging a guy. Take your wah-wahs and your pink pout and save them for the next guy who will come along much quicker than we think. (Hint: It’s Brady.)

When Chris approaches Kaitlyn to give her the news she grabs his shoulders and tries to make out with him. Just kidding, sort of. Chris solemnly says, “Unfortunately Kaitlyn… I had to send Britt home.” HEY CHRIS, YOUSE A DICK. Like reaaallyyy? That was the best way you could think to phrase that? Do you think that when Chris is at home and his kid asks for the keys to the car he says, “I’m sorry son, but you will NOT be able to stay here because you can have the car.” Anyway, he then reminds a shaken up Kaitlyn that her job as a bachelorette is to send people home in the rose ceremony in like five minutes so she better shape up or he’ll turn Britt’s limo right around. Kaitlyn has the easiest first rose ceremony of all time, all she needs to do is yell everyone who voted for Britt say “trophy wife” and boom, elimination round.

Unfortunately, Kaitlyn chooses to forget completely that there are some men in the room who didn’t want her to be the Bachelorette and so she sits down with the guys again and DOESN’T immediately ask who they voted for. Lame. She receives the long awaited welded rose from Joshua while Tony sits by himself among the candles and plants making metaphors about drinking fountains and digging wells.

Jared shows he has balls by being the only one to confess he voted for Britt but makes a hard case for still wanting to be there that didn’t involve advancing his personal career (or opting for a Loveman comic book and movie…yet.) Kaitlyn loves his honesty unfortunately so we know he’s going to stick around. JJ doesn’t confess that he voted for Britt when he totes did but tells Kaitlyn about his three-year-old daughter and in turn, Kaitlyn got horned up for JJ being a dad. No seriously, she basically has a flood warning in her basement just at the mention of him having a kid.

Cupcake Chris doesn’t know how cute he is apparently (according to Kaitlyn.) He takes those perfect dentist teeth of his and goes in for the KILL with Kaitlyn marking his territory as the first person to meet her mouth this season. Good work cupcake boy. Tony watches them mack and then makes the astute observation that you, “Can’t judge a book by its cupcake.” I feel smarter just from hearing that, Tony. Thanks for sharing your wisdom about cupcakes and books. We are all unworthy of your healing powers and dashing middle part.

My boooyyy Shawn B. gets the first impression rose mostly because Kaitlyn can’t even be around him without getting hot and bothered. Same, girl. They seal the deal with a hawt makeout. Although I condone this smooch 100%, I also feel like it’s necessary to add that I REALLY hate the idea of going through constant spit-swapping sounds for another whole season. My Bachelor friends gave me the impression that Soules was a mouth slut and therefore it was rare for kissing to be so common. Looks like we’re in for another real spit sloppy season, and I could certainly do without it. Please kiss Shawn B. only from now on, Kaitlyn. We all know he’s going to be your hubs anyway because WHO WOULDN’T PICK HIM?!

Rose Ceremony: Shawn B., Chris (cause they swapped spit), Ben H., JJ, Joe, Kupah, Daniel, Ryan B., Joshua, Tony, Clint, Corey, Jonathan, Cory, Ben Z., Tanner, Ian, Justin, Jared

The drama got SO REAL when Brady interrupted the rose ceremony and all of the jelly belly Team Kaitlyn bros who are furious about Team Britt bros snagging roses fumed so he can tell her he’s not here for the right reasons. JK he wants all up on Britt. C. Harrison plays matchmaker and hooks him up with the woman of his dreams. So cut the shit with the tears Britt because you’re about to talk bible verses with country superstar Brady. Although maybe you shouldn’t tell him you’re not a country fan and you don’t know who Big & Rich are but still went to their concert.

This season’s preview shockers: Kaitlyn hoes out and admits to it (get it girlfran) and FOR NO REASON AT ALL other than probably for ratings, Nick the baby bitch from Andi’s season is brought back, and DEFINITELY gets some tongue action with Kaitlyn. Remember when Nick handled Andi and Josh like a mature adult and told everyone in America on live TV that he porked Andi in the fantasy suite? Lawls.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Battle of the Sparkle Dresses

“Will this be awkward? Probably.” – Chris Harrison

Will this be sexist? Definitely. Something tells me ABC will be in a liiittle bit of hot water after last night’s episode/this entire new premise for the show. It was downright painful to watch two beautiful women with completely different personalities compete to find their husband, leaving their fate in the hands of 25 guys who believe they know EVERYTHING about these girls from another reality show. Between the guys proclaiming that they came here for one girl then meeting the other and being torn because she also has a vagina, one of the Ryan’s tossing back Fireballs and declaring that he’s going to rape another contestant, OH and the sparkling conversation about which one is a desired trophy wife, I don’t think this season will be well-received with the feminists.

Britt is excited she got a second chance to quit that waitressing job of hers and Kaitlyn is like this blows, they’re gonna pick the slutty one who wears lipstick to bed. To state their cases to the men, Kaitlyn tells a knock knock joke about how this entire show is a joke (point, Kaitlyn) and Britt tells 25 men that she wants a husband and lots of kids like yesterday (probably fueled the trophy wife debate.) Anyway here is a breakdown of suitors who did anything memorable and which girl they ship…(It probably would’ve been effective to divide this blog up by teams but I actually had to work today so cut me a little slack.)

Jonathan

Has a five year old son named Sky and it needs a mom.Wears a maroon suit like a bo$$, basically drools all over Britt and throws Kaitlyn a peace sign. Team Britt, obviously.

Joe the Fivehead

Smalltown Kentucky boy, AKA Chris Soules 2.0. Brings a jar of moonshine for Kaitlyn to swig and she does, cause she can hang. Team Kaitlyn.

Josh

Ah yes, our stripper with a side job of lawyering. His intro brings us into the dark club where he works and even though ABC felt it was necessary to bleep out the word shot in the Billboard Music Awards, they were totes cool with showing Josh’s mostly naked thrusting for enough minutes to make me feel dirty. Makes sense. Really keeps this going when he strips on his way out of the limo. Everyone has the uncomfies. “I haven’t felt like this about a girl in a long, long time,” Josh confesses–or probably since the last time a girl was touching his junk while he shook it in her face. Team Britt.

Brady

Our struggling musician sings his intro, obviously trying to jump start his career. Former baseball player, current G-O-D lover. Has a solid rating scale, “1 out of 10, Britt’s a solid billion.” I see what you did there, Brady. Team Britt.

Joshua

Welds a rose and makes a ton of stupid welding puns, cause like he’s a welder. Duh. Team Kaitlyn.

Ian

Princeton athlete who was hit by a car and in a coma for a hot sec followed by a wheelchair for about a month… aka he’s Nathan Scott without the unfortunate post-accident mullet. Team Kaitlyn. Like really team Kaitlyn..basically tells her he’s obsessed with her.

Jared

He’s a wiener who made up a dumb superhero called “Loveman”..even wearing a specially made shirt to meet the ladies. I’m embarrassed for him. Team Can’t Decide…leaning toward Britt.

Tony

Is a creep or in his words, “Spiritual Gangster”. Tony is a healer and yet is sporting a black eye…He also has a middle part that is really not helping his overall creepmonster look. He says the same practiced monologue to each girl as he exits the limo, Britt eats that shit right up, later they talk for 1 second and Britt says she knows everything that he is. Rrrright. At voting time, Tony gropes each girls’ box and felt that Britt’s box was “pulsating with energy” so he stuck his vote in her box.

Ben Z.

Lost his mom when he was younger and now I feel like a real dick for calling him a mama’s boy in my ranking blog. Bios could’ve tipped me off to that one. Also he’s Team Both, Team Love. (Cop out.)

Ben H.

Asks Kaitlyn to explain her tattoo choice to him. Apparently her elbow tats signify the only bird that remembers how to fly home and also that dirtbag Chris Soules never once asked her about her tats so Ben H. has a leg up on Prince Farming already. Also obsesses over sponsoring poors with Britt and wants to write letters to them or something. Team ?

Ryan B.

Greets Britt and calls her “Disney Princess”, which he probably thought was really swoonworthy but in reality it was weird and gave me the heebie jeebies. Hey guys, quick tip…just stick to princess if you’re going to use it as a term of endearment. This isn’t Kardashley’s season so we don’t need to brand the type of princess a girl is.

Brings a hocky puck and declares to Kaitlyn, “I would love to puck you.” This gains him points in my book but then later he’s talking to Britt and turns into a real baby bitch and is like I can’t compete with the other guys. Changes his mind and wants to puck Britt instead because she comforts him and tells him he CAN compete.

Ryan M.

The Junkyard Specialist that was most definitely planted in this episode for ratings. (He once dated Nikki from Juan Pablo’s season) Regardless, RYAN M IS HORNED UP after a few straight Fireball dranks. (Note to self: Fireball horns a man up.) There is an almost brodown throwdown with Steve Sanders (Shawn E.) He then attempts to ragdoll Britt by her hair while all the guys try to save her from getting a roofie coolatta followed by a little grab ass with Kaitlyn. His swan song, if you will, is stripping down to nut huggers and sliding into the pool with the grace of a beached whale. Chris Harrison (or if you’ve had a few thousand fireballs, Chris Hansen) sends him packing and all the remaining contestants weep because they can’t come off as the strong male hero anymore.

Daniel

The fashion designer who danced out of the limo. I’ll let you interpret that as you may.

Justin

Brought balloons and inhaled helium for his entrance. Didn’t know we were at a middle school birthday party. Kewl.

Tanner

Tried to be a gentleman and brought Britt some tissues because she was a snot machine last season. “Is that soap or a tissue?”-Kaitlyn asks Britt. OHHHHH BURN CITY, POPULATION: BRITT. Britt calls him out for being a dick later with that backhanded gift and he’s like yeah ok. Still surprisingly Team Britt.

Shawn B.

Only guy to go in for the group hug, completely avoiding the awkward choosing who to talk to first. Both Kait and Shawn toss the phrase love at first sight around like nobody’s biz. KAITLYN AND SHAWN 4EVA (Could my predictions be coming true?) He gives Kaitlyn a shitty picture his nephew drew and loses a few points with me but whatevs, he’s still a clear favorite. Team Kaitlyn obv.

Corey

Brings a volleyball (?), asks Kaitlyn if he can still plow her field. She says OK.

Shawn E. AKA Steve Sanders

Rolls up in a hot tub car but is wearing a full suit…clearly didn’t think the dismount through and stepped out of it looking like a real sopping wet turd. Doesn’t matter cause he immediately got CHIRPED by Drunky McDrunkerson who says that car SUCKS. They exchange words later like mature adults. Just kidding, Ryan calls him stupid. Shawn later tells Britt he’s an amateur sexpert or whatever and gives her some sound anal advice. Nailed it.

Chris

Rides up to the mansion in a cupcake topped with candy corn. CHOOSE THE WORST CANDY EVER, Chris. BARF.COM. The sparkle twins are impressed. Clearly it doesn’t take much. Later Chris tells Kaitlyn, “Cold hands, warm heart” and I vomit everywhere. Team Kaitlyn.

The votes are locked in after the men debate if they want a trophy wife or a real wife. Tough decisions. Chris Harrison has a producer count the ballots (couldn’t we get someone more legit?) and before he can announce who won…TO BE CONTINUED flashes as a nice gentle reminder that we’re all a bunch of suckers who will tune in for two more hours tonight just to find out.

(Also in case it wasn’t aggressively obvious throughout this blog, I’m 110% #TEAMKAITLYN)

Music, Television

Billboard Music Awards Recap

I should probably stop having such high hopes for these types of awards shows. It was preeetttyyy roughsicles but there were some glimmers throughout the three hours so here are your highs and lows of the night.

Highs

-Tswizzle made her public debut with Calvin Harris as her boo thang. Every award that she won (there were many) she made sure to hug everyone in her crew but Calv got some smooch action and it was hot sauce. Would’ve been even spicier if Calvin had gone in for the ass grab below, but whateva…the point is they’re obviously porking.

-Speaking of hot sauce, Nick Jonas performed “Jealous” and even though he was essentially wearing a foil blanket that marathon runners get once they’ve finished the race and there were lots of lasers and graphics trying to distract me, he still dripped sex.

-Sam Smith wins top male artist and had to give a silent thank you because he’s having throat surgery, so he made cue cards that told Taylor to play blackjack, shouted out Nicki’s big azzzz and signed up Ed for a Chippendales dance. It was cute and also a quick reminder that all of these mega rich famous people are BFF’s.

-Ed Sheeran murders “Bloodstream” and it’s easily the best performance of the night. I’d like to see ANYONE in that slew of performances that paled in comparison to get up there and run a loop pedal like that. They can’t, so they tromp around the stage in bras instead. (I’m lookin at you, Nicki.)

Full Performance Here

-Harry gave Nial’s junk a little love tap in their victory walk.

-After winning, 1D took the high road (and their publicist’s strong advice, I’m guessing) to thank “their brother Zayn”…which is more mature than calling him out on Twitter, but much less exciting.

-The Florida Georgia Line vest twins each wore nice, flattering, attractive suits. Whoa.

-Meredith Grey. Get it grrrrl.

-The Empire mashup gave us some beatz to work with…fictional or not it was a solid performance.

-Simple Minds perform “Don’t You Forget About Me” for 30 year Breakfast Club tribute. Lead singer wearing the shit out of a plaid blazer, accentuates it with a whole lot of gyrating.

Lows

-Taylor’s Hunger Games style “Bad Blood” music video with every single person she’s ever talked to starring as a different villain trying to kill her. It was way too much and the remix wasn’t my fave. Girl looked great but come on. Best villain name: Slay-Z for Gigi. I want that to be my alter ego. Also Tay as a ginge. Watch below if you want sensory overload.

-Opening performance of Van Halen so they can catch their target audience of old people before they go to bed at 9PM. The forced sexual shout out to Nicki Minaj mid-song was a little too “HEY WE’RE HIP AND KNOW THINGS”

-Hate to say it but Chrissy Teigen and LUUUDAAAA were kind of duds at hosting. Luda should’ve done a medley of his hits to kick off the show. THAT would have been the stuff. Chrissy kept relying on cracks about how she gets penetrated by John Legend on the reg. Could’ve been worse, could’ve been better.

-Mariah Carey performs to let everyone know that she’s retiring to Las Vegas and she doesn’t sing one of her old bangers so what was even the point of that? She also shrieks at the end, which is a nice reminder that she has to struggle to hit the high notes these days.

– The 1000th Paul Walker tribute with “See You Again” where Wiz decides to honor his homie Paul by going nips out for the boys in a nude colored blouse. Then had a nice quick seizure at the end. RIP

-Little Big Town and Faith Hill with a hard buzzcut sing “Girl Crush”. Could this song be any slower? Could Faith’s hair be any shorter?

-The Billboard Music Awards started F’ing with me when they put two people I despise onstage together for a collab. Pitbull and Chris Brown. It’s like they were almost taunting me to turn the TV off. (I chose to take a snack break instead.)

-It’s actually embarrassing that the Britney/Iggy song had to follow Ed. Because it is trash. Britney wore duct tape over her lady bits, which was really considerate of her. They did tacky 80’s choreography to match this shitty song and I wanted to close my eyes and ears so many times. Petition for Britney and Mariah to stick to Vegas.

-Molly Ringwald thirstily asks if she can be part of Taylor’s crew and they ham it up in the audience because honestly who doesn’t want to be included in the popular crowd? Kind of embarrassing that you have to ask though, right Molls?

-Imagine Dragons, best known for their wild performances banging on drums and screaming do the Ben E King tribute with “Stand By Me”. Hmm…really makes you wonder who pinpointed them as the best option for that.

-Kayne is the closer and it’s about 6 minutes of pyrotechnics and silence. 99% of his song is bleeped out and you can’t even see him. THAT IS ART.

-Chrissy and Luda sign off and take a S***. Oh wait…I’m not a square so I’m allowed to say what they did. THEY TOOK A SHOT. They literally tossed back liquor on television BUT WEREN’T ALLOWED TO SAY THE WORD SHOT WITHOUT IT GETTING BLEEPED OUT. In what world does it make sense to have every female singer parade their RB curtz around stage just fine but the word SHOT (also can be used to describe a vaccination) is censored off the TV. Mic. Drop.

Full Winners List:

Top Duo/Group- One Direction Top Billboard 200 Album- Taylor Swift, 1989 Top Rap Song- “Fancy” Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX Top Male Artist- Sam Smith Top Radio Song- “All of Me” John Legend Top Female Artist- Taylor Swift Top Touring Artist- One Direction Top Hot 100 Song- “All About That Bass” Meghan Trainor Billboard Artist (fan-voted)-Taylor Swift Top Country Artist- Florida Georgia Line Top Artist- Taylor Swift

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Before You Go Make Sure You Know”

First and foremost let’s all thank the network Gods for approving a season 4 of Nashville because otherwise how would we know if DEACON DIES?! Can you imagine if they left us with that predictable (literally I predicted it last week) cliffhanger ending and there wasn’t a season 4 to resolve it? I can’t even think about it… I just get too stressed.

As far as season finales go, this one was not stressful at all. In fact I would go so far as to say nothing actually happened…so we’re going to break it down in categories of things that I liked and things that I didn’t.

HIGHLIGHTS (Things I liked):

-Juliette completing her full transformation back to villain. This was real entertaining to watch. Girl’s completely over her intervention and doesn’t have time for the IT that ruined her life and her vagina. She stomps her finished album into Rayna with Bucky and Glen in tow and when they’re like heyyyy maybe slow your roll and tend to your fresh baby, she replies with “SCREW YOU, SCREW YOU, AND DEFINITELY SCREW YOU LADY!” No seriously, she called Rayna “lady”. I figured this was Juliette’s rock bottom until she went home and Avery tries to sugarcoat their bundle of joy and asks Juliette to sing to her so Juliette’s like fine give her to me betch, which casually turns into Mama Bear hurling a snow globe at her husband and baby’s bodies. NBD. Juliette’s like whoopsie lemme go grab a broom and Avery tells her to maybe GTFO. When she replaces the happy family snowglobe, Avery boohoos a lot and tells her that she’s sick and she needs to pick family or music and then he peaces out so that Juliette can glare into that crystal ball snowglobe, call up Luke and say Wheels up!

-Will sashays outta that closet which seems a little premature…oh wait never mind he’s been avoiding it for two full seasons at a standstill. SO IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME. After hanging out with his dad who sees two men touch hands and declares that he’s lost his appetite (ironclad stomach), Will tries to convince his father and Luke that the pics just show a work retreat and he’s healed of the gay. He even asks boytoy to tell the press that bros caress each other shirtless on work trips all the time, duh. Until finally in front of the press Will says, “I called this press conference cause ya’ll got it wrong.” Har-Har. JK he follows that with I’m gay and I’m not ashamed. So here we are. Will loves his boyf and he’s gay and here to stay.

-Bev-D-O-Double G faces off with Rayna the only way they know how in Nashville…a sing-off. Just kidding, but Bev does move in on family harmonizing hour (every day between 4 and 5 duh.) and Maddie/Daphne are like omgeee we loveeee Aunt Bev as the Bevmonster throws Rayna a smirk and announces she’s staying in Nashville after the surgery. Rayna is forced to thank Bev profusely for what she’s doing and Bev is like yeah, whatever, turns out I’m the hero now (insert evil cackle).

-Teddy won’t give up Tandie’s name to the Feds, #LOYALTY, so he ends up going to the clink…but the real entertainment comes from his arrest going down on live TV and no one in his family even noticing because they care more about Deacon dying. Lawlz.

LOWLIGHTS (Things that were stupid):

-An actual scene from the Boyhood trailer (I never watched the movie..it looked boring, sue me.) coming to life in Deacon’s nightmares about dying with suuuuuper creepy music. Hey guys, I’m watching a soap opera about country music, not a horror movie, enough with the buried alive to creeptastic music.

-Juliette signing with Luke because she’s mad at everyone in her life, recruiting Fordham as her manager (because he hates kids too) and putting on a snooze worthy performance in a hideous skin tight joutfit. NOTHING compared to her previous rooftop banger. Also mended the rift between Fordham and Luke about Will being gay (why is this a thing…)

-Hot Doc invites Scarlett to move in with him and she immediately agrees and then immediately tells Gunnar.

-The return of Micah via Face Time. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He’s all HEY MOM AND DAD CAN’T W8 FOR YOU TO VISIT. Gunnar wants to continue being illegitimate daddy to the little nuisance but told Kiley they shouldn’t kiss anymore.

-….Because Scarlett and Gunnar are still drawing out their inevitable porking and surprise to no one they write a lovely song togets and perform it at the hospital on the roof with the city lights all around them and their harmonizing leads to a smooch at the end. Yawn. The song (I Will Never Let You Know) is on par for their duets but I still hate them both.

–Jeff/Layla continue their power struggle when Fordham takes all technology away from Layla and also tells her she’s a heffer who should hit the treadmill. Layla smartens up a little and sneaks a voicemail from Rayna whose obviously worried about her being a casj prisoner of the Fordham jail and Layla gets curious so she sneaks onto The Google and somehow finds a picture of the EXACT moment Jeff gives passed out Layla side eye and sends the tweet from her phone. Weird how that very second was captured. Anyway, it inspires her to go Elin Nordegren on Jeffy’s car until he’s like I did it because I never want to lose you, slow dip, kiss, brainwashing to be continued next season. Yiikes. Does Layla have any redeeming qualities with her relationship choices? Don’t answer that.

THE “CLIFFHANGER”:

All of Deacon’s creepy dreams catch up to him before surgery and he’s like hey Ray Ray let’s do a quick shotgun right here in my hospital room pre-op. Rayna convinces him that he’s going to live and they’re going to grow old together (sweet), they say vows but don’t really get married (for the awww factor.) Deacon is put under to the same music from his dreams which like enough with that shit and he panics and in the final moments we see a monitor flat-lining and I pat myself on the back for my phenomenal prediction of how this episode will end. Hot doc comes out and says he has some bad news for Rayna. After hearing about how Deacon is DYING for a full season I almost want him to die so everyone will shut the hell up about it. But no…alas it will be Bev who bites it on the operating table (AFTER they snatch up that liver.) Why? Because if it’s one thing I know it’s that Nashville LOVES killing off the characters we already sorta don’t like. Teddy’s lying mistress Peggy eating a bullet, anyone? Lamar the swindling asshole having a heart attack? Pete the wife beater getting shot? Am I missing anyone? Anyway, the bitchy sister/terrible mom who didn’t even want to give up her liver to save her bro’s life in the first place seems like a hot candidate for the finale kill-off dontcha think? Until next season, folks. GUITAR RIFF.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette: Ranking the Contestants

Thank the man upstairs that ABC released the bro bios with juuuust enough time for me to forget who they all are before the premiere on Monday. I think I’d like to take this opportunity to judge them all before we get to meet them so I’ve taken the liberty of ranking them by physical appearance and how they answered the few dumb questions casting directors asked them. First impression (rose): Ben is the new Ashley. Nope I take that back, Corey is, just kidding it’s Josh, errr Ryan, no it’s Shawn. Oh wait…there are two (+) of every name. This is going to be a nightmare, nickname suggestions welcome to keep these fitness fanatics with the top three common American white boy names straight.

Tony, 35

This guy is a dad without the dad bod. The hair that says I’m trying to be surfer cool but I’m not sure if I’m pulling it off right, the pose, everything. Anyway…Occupation: Healer. This literally sums up everything you need to know about Tony.

Shawn E.

Bruh. What’s with the puka shells? Are you trying to find a wife or are you legitimately Steve Sanders, circa 1997? Shawn E. wins most likely to frost his tips and do a front spike. He’s also an Amateur Sex Coach. New career goals: find a job with the word amateur in the title. Yiikes. Gettin a real creepster vibe from our first Shawn of the group. Also his perfect first date ended with AND I QUOTE “Embracing and loving until sunrise.” Someone pls buy me a new laptop because I just puked all over mine.

Clint

But actually…what’s with the swoopy hair that needs to be tucked behind your ears trend? Either grow it out long enough for a sexy man bun or keep it short. Gawd, Clint. Otherwise no real red flags here, except he chose to be Chuck Norris out of ANYONE IN THE WORLD for a day. So that’s real dumb.

Corey

I’m getting a reeealll saucy vibe from this pose. Regardless, Corey with an E looks old AF. He’s an investment banker, which probably factors into the old face, claims he has small tattoos (tramp stamp? heart on the ankle?) and called the Dalai Lama an “enlightened cat.” Jazz fingers for CorEy going home the first night.

Josh

Normally Josh would rank higher on the list because his occupation is Law Student/Exotic Dancer and a whole slew of Magic Mike scenarios flooded my brain (and my underwear.) Unfortunately upon reading more about Josh, I learned he’s probably a liar who tells lies. His biggest accomplishment to date is graduating law school, yet his occupation says law student. Hmm…someone doesn’t want to fess up to being a full time stripper, obv. He also chose future Josh to have dinner with. Will future Josh still be a stripper?

Joshua

We’re getting our two Josh’s out of the way right quick. This one is an “industrial welder”, which seems kind of like Chris Soules was a “farmer” who can leave his farm for months at a time and also live elsewhere. Anyway, Joshua’s biggest date fear is his mom crashing and forcing him to blow his nose. Um, weird? He also picked Tom Hanks to have lunch with. Goodbye.

Joe

Joe here has a real hard case of the five-head. Looking past his cartoon shaped head, he is asked for a five year plan and says that’s too far ahead to plan out because he lives day by day. Hey Joe, do you even know what this show is? It’s to find ya wifey, and Britt wants 100 kids to walk out of her vagina, so you better start planning.

Jonathan

Jonathan is an Automotive Spokesman… I now have images of him being the announcer on Wheel of Fortune… “Tammy you just won a brand new caaaarrrr, come onnn dooownnnnn!” Also Jonathan is boring as shit and that scenario in my head was more entertaining than reading his bio.

David

Another middle of the pack bore that will probably receive the Samantha treatment and get the boot after several weeks of not speaking, David is in real estate, idolizes his little sis and wants Brad Pitt to teach him how to charm a woman.

JJ’s a hottie but guess what I’m going deeper than that. His job title is former investment banker and when asked about his date fear he says wasting time/money on someone just using him for dinner. AKA JJ’s on the unemployment grind. Possible reason for unemployment gleaned from this small bio? He has a gambling addiction. Clues: His most outrageous thing he’s ever done was win $20,000 betting a college football game and his hero is Robert Downey Jr. for overcoming adversity and recovering. Meeethinks JJ is on rough terms with his bookie right now. What can I say, I really did some investigative journalism there.

Brady

If you didn’t already guess it from his appearance, Brady is an aspiring country singer/songwriter AKA he’s using this show as a vehicle to become famous and therefore we don’t want you Brady, go away. HOWEVER, he did win bonus points with me for citing “explosive diarrhea” as his biggest date fear.

Daniel

Daniel is a fashion designer from Nashville, which is interesting for a straight man. Also one of his favorite movies is Big Fish and suddenly I hate him. That was the worst movie I ever had to sit through and I also happened to be trapped on a bus when I was forced to watch it. Daniel also biked across America so three cheers for being more athletic than me and having shitty taste in movies. I better see what you design if you want to redeem yourself.

Ian

Ian is an Executive Recruiter which is absolutely one of those jobs that sounds important but we have no idea what he actually does. Nothing too exciting to report here except that he picked Jimmy Kimmel as his person to have lunch with which means he’s being a kiss ass and I don’t respect it. Win fair and square without sucking Jimmy Kimmel’s D.

Ben Z.

Chose to have lunch with his mom because he will take any time with her he can get. MA-MA’S BOY.

Chris

Chris is a dentist, which explains that over the top blinding veneer smile. I love a guy to have a good smile but this is too much. Chris would be the date to eat a spinach casserole, finish, smile and have a cartoon sparkle on his teeth while you have spinach weaved throughout your gums in the most hideous of fashions. Did I get carried away there? Probably but this smile intimidates me. Fun fact: his biggest date fear is the chick eating his food which is NOT gonna fly with me. CHRIS.DOESN’T.SHARE.FOOD.

Justin

Justin’s a hunk but seems pretty boring. Unless you factor in that he would choose to be “someone from a less privileged country” for a day because it would be “an eye-opening experience.” In other words, Justin is only charitable in hypothetical situations. I bet if you gave him a ticket to Haiti right now he’d be like oh no, no, I only answered that to make myself look better, please don’t make me actually go there.

Tanner

Tanner’s a country fan, which I dig, but he doesn’t like sloppy drunks, so that doesn’t add up.

Kupah

Kupah got 1 trillion bonus points just for having a name that I will actually remember. He’s a Boston boy who worships Marky Mark (eye roll) but uses a well-placed Sandlot quote in his bio when he says marriage is “FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER.” He’s also an entrepreneur, which is fancy for unemployed/club promoter.

Ryan B.

Ryan B. has gr8 hair but doesn’t know how to use Twitter. He went to text his girlfriend a pic once (mirror selfie I’m assuming) and accidentally tweeted it instead. It’s a good thing he’s so pretty. He’s also a realtor and I can totally see his face being on a bench somewhere in Florida.

Cory

E-less Cory is much hotter than CorEy and I’m not afraid to admit it. His greatest date fear is that it’s a dude, which wouldn’t be a fear unless it’s happened before, right? We’ll forgive him because he’s a Texas boy (prob has a sexy accent) and if he could be anyone for a day it would be his younger self. Don’t we all wish we could be younger, Cor.

Ryan M.

Ryan M’s got a Father’s Day Sears Catalog look to him but his biggest date fear is “The person being terrible.” And that literally made me laugh out loud. RyGuy tells it like it is…except when it comes to his job which is listed as “Junkyard Specialist” and now I’m convinced there must be a google translator where you type in your job and it spits out a fancy title. i.e. Garbageman–>Junkyard Specialist.

Jared

Jared did something I haven’t seen any other guy do, and that’s sneak a rom-com into his fave movies list. He chose Crazy, Stupid, Love…a phenomenal Ry Gos flick that gave him lots of bonus points. Other things working in his favor: his love and admiration for his dad, his volunteer work at a children with cancer summer camp and his life goals to be Obama for a day. Jared looks GREAT on paper. (The famous last words before every online dating FAIL.)

Bradley

Bradley is an International Auto Shipper, which sounds illegal but he looks like he just stepped off of a yacht in Nantucket. He wants a chick who can understand his sarcasm (Kaitlyn), loves Will Ferrell movies, got a tennis scholarship to college and would love to be Tom Brady for a day so he could bang one out with Gisele after being a bo$$ QB (touchy subject currently.) Bradley seems like a real guy’s guy and will probably provide some entertainment, earning him the number 2 seed in my rankings.

Shawn B.

Give it to me in that Blue V-neck with your thumbs hooked into your pockets, Shawn B. So duhs that Shawn B is a hottie with a body, but his details really seal the deal for top choice. His favorite music includes country and “One Direction, obviously.” His greatest achievement so far is when him and his dad bought an 1888 farm house and rehabbed/rebuilt it. Lastly, if he could be anyone for the day he would be his dog to see what goes on in his head. SHAWN B KNOWS HOW TO FLOOD A CHICK’S BASEMENT. He’s a directioner, essentially is Noah Calhoun from The Notebook, which means he’s basically Ryan Gosling and he’s a dog lover. Sold. Why is he still single? Britt doesn’t deserve him. Kaitlyn and Shawn B. for the final rose. Book it.

If you want to form your own opinions instead of accepting mine as bible, visit the full cast page here

Television

Life Lessons from Dr. Mindy Lahiri

The Mindy Project got “cancelled.” I put this in quotes because I’m still holding out hope that it will make a comeback elsewhere but in the wake of the news, I decided to throw together a collection of Mindy’s most relatable teaching moments and the things that we can all learn from leading a life full of bearclaws and Beyonce worship.

1. Don’t hide your fears. This was the most reasonable way I’ve ever seen someone react to a bug. I know firsthand because today on my patio a bee came near me and I screeched at an ear piercing decibel and almost ran through my screen door. Moral of the story, don’t ever repress your fears just because you’re in the presence of a hot guy.

2. Sometimes kids need to be told when they’re being dumb. Realistically this happens a lot…children aren’t the smartest. Big ups for Mindy trying to comfort this little whiner though because I would’ve probably told her to zip it. This was actually a preview into Mindy as a mom and let me be the first to say she will be a great one…fingers crossed we get to see it.

3. It’s important to know your limits. Listen, the fit lifestyle isn’t for everyone and Mindy knew she wasn’t winning Most Likely to Instagram #Fitspiration and #WorkoutWednesday and that’s much more important than actually being healthy. This would have been an ideal response to give to my doctor when she suggested I start walking to the train farther from my apt since I haven’t exercised in six months. C’mon, doc.

4. Work it. If it’s one thing Mindy isn’t lacking, it’s confidence and even when you haven’t showered and you’re wearing bulky layers topped off with a pair of sneakers called Fat Steps, you can still own it and compare yourself to Keira Knightley. Plus she knows it can be intimidating to have the brains and the booty. Same, girl…same.

5. A conversation doesn’t count unless there’s a pop culture reference in it. Mindy may have a doc smart brain, but don’t even think about questioning her knowledge of the Kardashians. It’s important to be the one person in your workplace who brings everyone’s coolness factor up a notch or 100 and Mindy does that with her constant TV and pop music references. Plus what’s cooler than a Lil Wayne costume? Nothing.

6. Know how to dress for every occasion. Whether it’s your first time attending mass in a Catholic church or gym chic, every girl should have a go-to outfit for each environment. If we’re being honest I would prefer to sit behind Mindy in her derby hat at church because then I could read a book without anyone seeing. It’s a win-win really, Mindy is always looking out for others with her fashion savvy.

7. Food is not for nourishment, it’s for enjoyment. What makes life worth living? Having a belly full of candy like a piñata. Probably 90% of the show is Mindy stuffing her yapper full of steaks, pastries and washing it down with sour straws and it makes me feel a WHOLE lot better for bringing in a jar of salsa and a full bag of chips to work on a regular basis for a post-lunch snackin.

8. Set goals for yourself. If you want to be successful in life you need to have something to work for. Career goals are fine, but the real stuff is setting the bar for getting your own fan club, duhs.

9. Wine so hard. Sometimes you just gotta let loose and hit the sauce, just make sure that the sauce is wine and it’s sipped in moderation from your bra. (Side note: my birthday’s approaching and the wine bra would be a phenomenal gift.)

10. It’s ok to not have your shit together all the time. For the times when you maybe let the wine flow a little too freely from your 36B and turn into a slob kebab, it’s all going to be just fine. Mindy has had her fair share of suuuuper embarrassing moments and she’s come out on top still, so there’s obviously hope for all of us hot messes who spend their Friday nights watching a Youtube video of a baby that’s afraid of it’s own fart.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Time Changes Things”

Well last week the storm had just begun, and if this week’s episode was supposed to be a shit storm it did not deliver. We had a few O-M-GEE moments and a whole lot of Deacon flashbacks but otherwise I would like to tell Nashville to amp it up right quick. Let’s talk shockers first then scuffle on about the stupid shit afterwards.

Kiley-the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mom has made a triumphant return for that whiny ass kid of hers.Since she completely missed Gunnar’s you are NOT the father moment, she still thinks Micah is in Nashville. Gunnar’s all hey guess what you’re the worst person to ever live and I never want to see you again but then when he comes home several hours later she’s still hangin. Turns out Gunnar’s skeezy bro Jason actually raped Kiley at a party then comes baby in the baby carriage. BOOM. Plot twist. Due to this new and unfortunate news, Gunnar takes Kiley under his wing because he lives to cater to broken birds, Kiley sees this as a possible opening for a rekindling of their love, then she calls her son and he promptly hangs up on her. HA-HA betch. Future Plans:Kiley gets after Gunnar’s D. Possible fam reunion?

Deacon walks in on Maddie and Colt doin tha na$ty in their Catholic school uniforms like a couple of teenage freeeaks. Maddie immediately turns on the waterworks and says it’s not what it looks like (a porno) and Colt quickly narcs that Maddie didn’t even want to, so it’s not her fault. Jeez, Colt, do the waistband tuck and cut your losses instead of ratting out your fifteen year old girlfriend for not wanting to put out right away. Maddie gets a country star-to-aspiring country star S-E-X chat later from Juliette who tells her if/when she does let Colt penetrate her, she hopes it’s for the right reasons. Maddie’s all you’re going to be such a great mom, Julez and Juliette gets a blank stare on her face as she remembers that she has a kid and panics. After Deacon has shaken out all of the awksies, he tells Maddie he’s just glad he’s ALIVE to have this moment with her, but he’s still totes telling Rayna that her daughter was caught slooting it up. Over in boy world, Luke’s sex chat with Colt is more like son, we all make mistakes *claps Colt on the back*.Future plans: These two will have sex and judging by what a cocky lil SOB Colt is, it will be terrible.

Rayna sneaks on over to East Buhhole, America to pay a visit to Beverly and snatch up that healthy liver of hers.What we don’t get is a compliant, loving Beverly…what we get instead is a whole slew of flashbacks on a very Fonz-esque Deacon with a slicked back swoop hairstyle and a hideous joutfit getting his start in Nashville with Bev at his side. Not only did they cake makeup on Deacon to make him not look like he’s in his 40’s…they also brought back ugly hair Rayna and I had to shield my eyes from that atrocity of curls. Someone also called her Ray-Ray, so there’s that. Apparently there was a point to these flashbacks other than to show us how much more attractive these two are now that they’re famous and rich and that is to teach us how Beverly thought she was going to be bigger than Rayna James until Ray-Ray sashayed in and stole her bro. Unfortunately, instead of becoming the #1 country star, Bev became waitress by day, piano bar singer by night. She gives Rayna some real bitch eyes as she wails airport lounge music then basically tells Rayna she can go to hell for stealing her career. The shocker comes when Rayna finally remembers she’s dealing with a crazy person and hands Bev a check for a cool milli hoping it will change her mind. What a Bo$$ Ray Ray is, buying her lover’s liver. Future plans: With Bev’s heart of gold she’ll turn it down and do the transplant because Deacon is family. NAHHHTT. She’ll take that money and PEACE.

Our little prostitute tattletale calls Teddy to inform him that she’s still cruising around Nashville a free woman and to turn this show into a horror movie by saying “They’re coming for you, Teddy.” Ok, girl. Let’s T it down with the dramats. Teddy snaps up his passport faster than you can say political scandal and starts packing his bags. His final goodbye to his girls before he hauls ass outta Nashville? Expensive necklaces from Tiffany’s to show how much he loves them. What a heartfelt guy. Right before he’s headed out, the US Attorney shows up to tell Teddy that he’ll drop all investigation and charges in exchange for a favor. BUT WHAT IS THE FAVOR? Cliffhanger, we’ll find out next week. Future Plans:Gonna go ahead and assume more illegal stuff. Cause that’s how Teddy rolls now.

Now onto less shocking things…Scarlett and her doc lover whose expiration date is the end of this season if not sooner kiss a whole lot and it’s super forced and obnoxious. Also Scarlett and Gunnar have another sexual tension fight. Deacon tells Juliette that he’s dying…is he gonna run out of people to tell soon? This repeated scene each week is getting EXHAUSTING. Layla and Fordham fight a whole lot because Layla has turned into a fame slut and Fordham is beginning to realize he hitched his wagon to this monster.

And finally our days with Jade St. John the hair unicorn are over, boo-hoo. In her final moments she goes from pink AND black hair to full-on magenta within hours…this chick is so versatile. It’s gonna be hard to let her go. Luke is visiting her mansion in LA as she prepares to throw a party with an inconvenient amount of bubbles in the air. They make out and talk about their favorite rom coms in front of a green screen of a tasteful ocean background. At her party later where Nashville doesn’t beat around the bush directly taking jabs at how stupid LA is, Jade pretends her house is like Vegas and doesn’t allow social media posts. But how will we know what the cool people are doing? Luke sees that Jade is wearing a literal palm tree on her body and is disgusted so he breaks up with her cause he’s just a cowboy from Kentucky, ya’ll. Layla shows up accentuating her puffy bangs (not in a good way) then has a dance floor BOMO with a celeb she was fangirling over. Fordham’s on suicide watch and finally has had enough when he tweets out a picture of slob kebab Layla and tags Jade in it like a baby bitch scorned lover.

Finally: BAMF moment of the night goes to Ms. Juliette Barnes over the top divalicious comeback. She demands roof access and a helicopter and then puts on one hell of a show while looking like a smoke in her sparkly mini and serenading Nashville with a fresh number. She gets all high on the juice from doing an illegal concert and goes for a little steamy elevator hookup with Avery. They get home to penetrate and obviously the baby starts crying during foreplay. Womp wompppp. Hide the knives.

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Category Archives: Television

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The Bachelorette- Man Meat Everywhere

The Bachelorette- Return of the Britt

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Nashville- “Before You Go Make Sure You Know”

The Bachelorette: Ranking the Contestants

Life Lessons from Dr. Mindy Lahiri

Nashville- “Time Changes Things”