A WEEK WITHOUT FAYE, HEY HEY HEY! Let us all rejoice and laugh at grown women paying thousands of dollars to freeze their pains away. Yo takes Kyle & Lisa to Cryotheraphy so that she can lock them both in a frozen chamber and try to murder them ala Scream Queens. Except Yolanda is probably smarter than the Chanels and will get the job done. Jk she doesn’t murder them yet, she just shows them how much better she is at handling a quick jaunt in -140 degrees Celsius. She saves the eviscerating for lunch when she dips her toe in the water by testing her Judas friends to see if they had her back when Rinna went on her Munchausen’s rant. It’s crickets from the two gossips. Guess these girls ain’t yo homies, no mo, YO! (Applause for that prose, right there.) Then the real smack down begins as Yolanda slides her children’s medical files over to Lisa, says, “I know what you did” and demands an apology. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Lisa speechless and it is GLORIOUS. Take the kids’ diagnosis as punishment for being a shitty friend, Lisa. Maybe you can read them as a bedtime story as you tuck Ken into bed at 5PM every night.
In the house with a chapel built right in, Erika debates wearing her choker that says “cunty” for her next show in a closet full of gold chains and sparkle stilettos. Mikey, her creative director or more importantly, c-word enthusiast tells her to go on with her bad self and wear whatever the F she wants. Maybe if she wears a dog collar with a disgusting word for vagina on it she MIGHT even sing about sex and stuff…right Rinna? Anyway, Erika Girardi may have a place of worship in her home and a private plane for travel, but Erika Jayne takes a tour bus to San Diego with a bunch of gay dancers and sips Dom out of a plastic cup. Keep shaking it girl; you’ll get there one day.
Eileen meets Kathryn for lunch and speaks Italian to a waiter in Beverly Hills because she traveled to Italy so now it’s appropriate for her to show off her Rosetta Stone Italian. Don’t be a dick, Eileen. Since Eileen admitted to dating Kathryn’s ex-husband before they even shook hands, they already know they have something to talk about over lunch. Except oopsie, it turns out the year Marcus was smoochin up on Eileen, Kathryn was already dating him. They may have shared Marcus, but they do not share the same taste in purses. The way that Kathryn looked at Eileen’s purse you would’ve thought she adhered a Velcro one-strap at the end of lunch.
Eileen keeps it up as the white trash of the group when she wears a practical denim jumpsuit for the girls’ road trip to San Diego. She wins “most likely to be bullied for poor people clothes” on the ride there. Not for her jean camel toe that’s most definitely occurring in that tight limo, but because her shoes are from Forever 21 and everyone else is parading around with $4000 bags. Meanwhile, Erika Jayne gets her twat tanned. So at least everyone’s keeping it real. Stay classy, San Di-ahgo.
At the hotel, Rinna puts her detective hat on after being falsely accused of throwing Lisa under the bus and CRACKS THE CASE. If she didn’t say it…she wonders aloud staring at a bunch of papers with a magnifying glass, then it MUST MEAN SOMEONE ELSE DID. How is Rinna not a private investigator? She’s really wasting her God-given talents tooling away as an adult diaper model. She recruits Eileen and they’re going to get to the bottom of this. (i.e. confront Erika the second she steps offstage.)
Completely unrelated, here’s a fun fact: Kathryn is deaf in one ear and who thinks she’s going to use this as an excuse to get her out of a shady sitch later on this season? I do, I do!!! Erika Jayne better not blow out her good ear with too much auto tune screeching.
The ladies arrive at Pervert and slap a bunch of gay dancer ass. DON’T WORRY, it’s so harmless, just like throwing a tops and bottoms party. After Kyle is done touching homosexual ass (they’re not attracted to her but that doesn’t stop her from trying) she tries to upstage Erika from the VIP box with a pony swing that could make any bitch within a mile radius go blind. Erika pats her puss. OMG SHE’S SO SCANDALOUS.
After the show, the ladies have a throw down about Erika’s seaward necklace and Eileen is like EVERYTHING THAT ERIKA DOES IS AMAZING YOU ALL CAN SHUT THE HELL UP. Eileen knows what it’s like to be personally victimized by Kathryn. Also, did Eileen draw a birthmark on her face with eyeliner? I did that once in my trial days of makeup and it looked like I had a cancerous mole on my face. It’s a fine line to walk. Oh, and also Erika flat out denied narc’ing to Yolanda. But whatever. I never want to hear about this argument again. I’d rather watch Rinna dance like a mom in a gay club 1 million times than hear this fight anymore. Someone make those spastic moves into a gif, stat. Please and thank you.
If you recall, last week ended abruptly after the house aired their grievances for Olivia and Ben pulled her aside to pretend it was a cliffhanger that he could take away her rose. Everyone in America knew that Ben would never snatch that rose. Those flowers are 100% black, black no trade back. When Ben asks Olivia to explain herself, she plasters a smile on and is like it’s not my fault that everybody hates me because I’m so popular and pretty. Olivia wants Ben to know that she’s not here to paint nails, she’s here to read books and think and “talk smart things.” Can this be made into a graphic tee? Olivia carries that rose back into the room like a badge of honor. I’m surprised she doesn’t spike it right off Leftover Twin’s face.
Ben whines a lot about how hard life is and then gets right to the rose ceremony where Olivia chirps to the other ladies that she’s untouchable.
Jk she actually says COME AT ME BRO. Unfortunately I have a bright purple pinny that says this and it’s funny because it’s trashy and from the Jersey Shore boardwalk. I now need to burn that pinny. But guess what Olivia, I painted my nails and did some reading while they were drying last night. I guess girls CAN do both. Come at ME bro.
(BYE Jen, sucks that you just started talking last week and Leah still got the rose over you.)
Let’s all go to the Bahamas! “Woooooooo!!!!”-how a room full of ladies greet the Bahamas.
Let’s See if our Love is Reel with Caila
Caila may have this date but Leah is pissed. Who’s Leah? She’s the one crying in the bathroom while Caila is out deep sea fishing with B.Higgs. Leah’s crying because she lives 10 minutes away from Ben IRL and yet never met him at a bar. Ugh Leah, go home and surf Hinge for someone to meet for drinks. But first, shut the hell up and enjoy an all expenses paid vacay in the Bahamas.
Back on the Leah-less date, Ben tells Caila: “You smile a lot.” Gr8 observation, Ben. He’s looking for someone to cry with. Ben wants to know if she’s going to smile when she’s sad. Ben’s mind is an oasis of dumb thoughts that he feels are necessary to repeat out loud. Caila admits that she feels like she loves him. Yikes. TOO SOON. But then she talks in circles and maybe redacts that declaration of love? It pretty much makes no sense. Ben is like hey you’re not making any sense and she goes I know I’m in love because I’m being understood and you really understand me. OK CAILA. She gets a rose because not knowing what she wants is SAH CUTE.
Love is Unpredictable with Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H., Leah
The bikini-clad hoochies yacht to a private island for a quick swim and feeding time with some water pigs. WHAT ARE THESE CREATURES? Is this a thing? Come to the Bahamas—get raped by the dolphins and then scoot on over to the dump waters for a little pig tussle and weiner feeding. I can’t imagine why that wouldn’t be on a travel brochure.
Ben’s really excited because the girls are having such a fun time with the pigs. I guess Ben thinks a fun time is having fat pigs assault girls in bikinis for a chicken weiner. I feel like he should maybe be a little more concerned for their safety and learn to differentiate their “I’m having fun” screams from their “these pigs are slaughtering me and I’m terrified” screams.
After the piggie assault all the girls get jelly that Ben is hanging with Lauren B. in the water and they all quit their jobs for this. Don’t pin your dumb life decisions on someone who matches their eyebrows to their dye job, Leah. That’s not fair. There’s a lot of group wah-wahs about how life is so hard when they’re literally on a beach in paradise. But whatever. It’s snowing outside my window, but like Ben has to make out with a bunch of chicks in a tropical location so who’s the real loser here?
Later, Ben spends the evening portion reassuring each girl one by one that he still likes her. Leah shoots herself right in the foot by using her time with Ben to talk smack. Or does she? Leah is heard chit-chatting about a girl who acts different in the house that sounds sneaky like Olivia and then by TV magic, the name “Lauren B” is dubbed in through voiceover. Crack job at discreetly creating drama here. Lots of tears ensue as Ben confronts Lauren B about being fake and Leah denies talking shit about her. HOWEVER, what’s important to take away from this is that the only real thing in the entire night is the frizzy AF hair on these girls who are battling the Bahamas humidity AND an island storm.
Back at the house the girls try to figure out who narc’ed about Lauren B. (hint: post-production) while Leah curls her eyelashes and heads for Ben’s room….to talk more about Lauren B. Ben gets a little sense and bids farewell to Dark Brows. FOREVER.
Let’s Sea with Olivia and Leftover Twin
YASSSSS. Death match between Cankles and the Leftover Twin. Olivia lives in a nice fantasy world where 23 is a SUPER mature age. Leftover is only one year younger and yet SUCH A BABY compared to Olivia. She goes a little too far when she compares the date to a mother hanging out with her child. It’s funny because she’s the mother in this scenario and she’s THE SAME AGE AS other twin. Regardless, both girls can still call themselves recent college grads and therefore they both need to GO.
On a secluded island with hurricane winds and a lack of hair ties, Olivia tells Ben that deep intellectual things are her “jam”, and further makes me want to punch her square in the cankles. She also tells Ben she’s in love with him and then tries to swallow his face so as to avoid the awkward silence that would inevitably follow that confession.
Not much better, Emily word vomits a speech about how she wants Ben to watch her grow up since she’s barely legal. Throughout this entire sputtery soliloquy, her face is covered in hair and Ben’s like no don’t fix it because I don’t want to see your face. She shouldn’t get the rose. But she does because Ben doesn’t love Olivia and the producers have gotten the ratings they needed from her. Olivia is left on the island to cry into the ocean and accidentally swallow some of her hair in that giant mouth of hers, her tree trunk ankles buried in the sand. Goodbye old friend, go forth to have a bustling TV career just like you always wanted.
Roses (again): Caila, Amanda, Leftover Twin, Becca, JoJo, Lauren B.
The dramatic standdown between the Lauren’s at the end was supes unnecessary. As if Ben would EVER pick H over B. Lauren H gives good cry face though. So she’s got that going for her. Never Forget:
As always, don’t expect any sort of sports analysis here, unless you want me to discuss in detail how I wore a fictional football team jersey yesterday and made my sister take a picture of me tapping the top of her doorway so I could re-create the CLASSIC Friday Night Lights intro. Riggs was NOT in the game last night, and the Dillon Panthers did NOT win, therefore it was a snooze. Here’s some highlights and stuff…
If you closed your eyes and just listened, Lady Gaga’s national anthem killed it. If you had your eyes open, you had the unfortunate task of guessing if she was really feelin it, or if her eyes were being weighed down by 5 lbs of glitter shellac.
I’d like to personally thank Lady G for tossing a Christina Aguilera riff in the mix, complete with jazz hands, because it made me laugh out loud.
I only know who Jerry Rice is because he made a cameo in One Tree Hill at Jimmy Jam’s birthday party one year. If he had worn these sunglasses he would’ve scared all the kids.
I didn’t know Danny Zuko played football! Grease LIVE is so hawt right now.
REAL disappointed with the assortment of commercials last night. Last year was all about kids dying, this year was all about inanimate objects talking? Either way, sook city. ALSO WHERE THE HELL IS THE BUDWEISER CLYDESDALE AND PUP?! C’mon guys! You have ONE JOB. (Realistically they don’t and they probably didn’t need an ad at all with the real subtle plugs Peyton “I drink beer” Manning gave after the game no less than 5 times.) But anyway…
Duds:
–Michelob Ultra trying to make us think that their beer is for people who’ve gone real hard at the gym and just want to hydrate themselves a little. What I took away from this commercial is that I get equally as out of breath when I walk up the stairs, so does that count as me “going the extra mile”?
–Snickers is becoming more known for their celeb cameos and this one had a few, but what I can’t get down with is using holograms to bring back dead actresses. If Marilyn Monroe was going to come back via CGI you can bet she would’ve wanted it to be for something a little more scandalous than a Snickers commercial.
-Lil Wayne is still alive and he’s doing a commercial for Apartments.com to the plot of the Jeffersons. What year is it?
-Hey look guys, Steve Harvey is in on the joke! LoL TMobile 4ever!
-Christopher Walken closet was so under-used it wasn’t even funny. Kia really blew it by taking a classic joke and turning into a lame car commercial.
Nightmares:
-Let’s just toss a bunch of aliens together to represent taste testers of Mexican avocados. What do aliens and Mexicans have in common? That’ll go over smooth as guac. (Bonus points for being SO pop culture savvy with the black and blue dress & Scott Baio. No that wasn’t a typo…SCOTT.BAIO.)
-Mountain Dew came back through with an image that I wanted immediately seared from my brain once again. Last year was a twerking dog, this year is puppy monkey baby. Isn’t it SAH CUTE? Now watch it rip your face off and twerk all over your dead corpse because it had a sip of the toxic lava that is Mtn Dew.
-The fact that my entire family didn’t know what a Marmot was is probably telling about how much time we spend in the wilderness. My sister thought it was a squirrel. Either way, kicking it with a large furry rodent and going in for a smooch is a quick way to end up in my nightmares section.
-You know what’s kind of jarring in human form? Steven Tyler. Let’s turn him into Skittles art!!!! Then have his large candy mouth sing Dream On from the floor. At least they didn’t show his feet.
-If the NFL was trying to paint a nice picture of cute kids singing about how they were conceived at the Super Bowl, I think they’re glossing over the deets a little here. Once upon a time, mommy was exhiled to the corner with her girlfriends to toss back wine and get ready for the halftime show, while daddy sat on the couch covered fingertip to elbow in hot sauce, shoveling wings and bud lights down his gullet while shouting at the TV. Mommy made bedroom eyes at Daddy from across the room (well Daddy thought they were bedroom eyes but really the dessert was just put out on the table behind him) and it was ON. They closed the night out with some pretty gassy sex. The end. Football IS family. At least Seal got a second chance at fame, though. Good for him.
Kinda Funny:
–Hyundai is repping their new whip where you can literally tell it to start and it does (whoa, technology) which allows some teens to narrowly escape a couple of bears. One bear just wanted to check out their ride, but it turns out the other actually wanted to eat them, cause it was his cheat day from a vegetarian diet. Hey Bear #2, same. I was ONLY cheating last night. DEFINITELY not all weekend.
-Hyundai must’ve really had their A team on the case this year because they also imagined a town full of Ryan Reynolds to the soundtrack of “What a Man” and I couldn’t have dreamed of anything better to be honest.
–Doritos kills it just about every year and they were pretty much the top dogs of this year. Their first ad was a live look at me when I was still in my mom’s belly jonesin for a cheesy snack. The second one was about dogs trying to get their hands on some ‘ritos and I can always get down with a dog commercial. (Unless they’ve combined dog body parts with human and monkey body parts.)
-Prius shows us that their cars can be driven by hawt-ass criminals and not just environmentally conscious dads who wear hemp shoes. They pretty much nailed how the world reacts to quirky stories with “The Prius 4” taking the media world by storm. I thought we were watching a real show when they asked a random girl which one she thought was the hottest. It’s sad because it’s true.
-It’s embarrassing when a commercial where the premise is the Shock Top orange boom-roasting a comedian ends up on the funny list but I actually cracked a laugh or two at this. Rough collection last night.
-Amy Schumer 4 Pres though. We can get rid of Seth probably. I’ll be VP of Bud Light because I basically already am judging by the amount of Bud Lattes I splashed down my throat Saturday afternoon. I’d 100% vote for the Bud Light Party over Donald Trump. Jus sayin.
-Honda gives us a nice pack of harmonizing goats singing “Somebody to Love” and I continue my quest to get to the bottom of HOW they make animals mouths move like that?! Seriously, I understand that I graduated in video production but like HOW DO ANIMALS TALK ON TV?!
-Drake entertaining a bunch of cellphone company squares as they shoot him suggestions for the Hotline Bling video was pretty great. The fact that it was T-Mobile was even funnier. It’s so adorbs how hard they’re trying to still be a thing.
HALFTIME SHOW (SPONSORED BY PEPSI IN CASE YOU FORGOT):
Sneaky start for Coldplay as they gave us a taste of Fix You before bursting into Viva La Vida. I could’ve done with more of Fix You, if we’re being honest. My high school obsession with that song where I would drive around and have all the feels really could’ve come out to play there. ANYWAY, Viva goes into Paradise and then their new number. (And I’m pretty sure that’s it for Coldplay songs…like they could’ve smashed out a medley of their greatest hits and they did like three songs. Yikes.)
There’s a whole lot of kids, which is something I never signed up for. I’d prefer to see Janet’s nip again than see a bunch of teenie boppers jump awkwardly onstage or play the viola.
The décor for the evening was psychedelic chic apparently, as an array of colors were thrown up onto the field and all over the stage for a very San Fran hippie feel. The theme for the vocals was “out of tune.” I was under the false notion that every halftime performer had to lip sync. It was VERY clear that Chris Martin was not on that train. His voice sucked, but hand claps to the light up heart in his pocket and rainbow safety pins clasping his pants togetha for being supes kewl.
Suddenly Chris is kicked off his own stage to make room for DJ Jazzy Mark Ronson to spin a 2-year-old song and Bruno to sashay around with a leather gang and halfheartedly lip sync it. I commend Bruno for surrounding himself with child dancers his own height so he doesn’t get a Napoleon complex.
Beyonce marches onto the field in a onesie and is like okay, enough, enough, Bruno and performs hot off the presses “Formation.” She gives the internet a new treasure trove of weird face gifs.
It would be wrong of me not to declare that as a part of the beyhive, this performance was prrrrrettty rough. It probably didn’t help that I was in a room full of Beyonce-haters. There were cheers as she almost toppled and I nearly covered my eyes. B, act like you’ve dropped it down low before.
I’m assuming she almost ate it because she’s a little more top-heavy lately (aren’t we all?)…might have something to do with her carrying hot sauce in her purse but that’s neither here nor there.
While Coldplay is still nowhere to be found at a show they probably payed millions to play, B and B have a dance rumble where Beyonce towered over Bruno and easily could’ve hip checked him off the stage and then Chris was like hey guys, remember me?
All three sang while a montage of performances past was shown and WHOSE HALFTIME SHOW IS THIS?! Once we’re done watching everyone else’s epic performance, the three take the stage with a bunch of local high school girls itching for their 15 minutes of fame and tossing their hair real hard to pretend they also have a personal fan pointed on them. Bruno blends right in with the kids, in fact I almost lost him onstage for a minute. AND THAT’S IT.
Oh yeah, and Beyonce apparently announced a world tour and even though I missed it, my dad assured me it was flashing across a message board wrapped around her thigh. (Note to self: never let the men in my family see my 3x as thunderous thighs.)
I’m just spitballing here but wouldn’t it have made the most sense for Beyonce and Chris to sing the duet THEY JUST RELEASED? Eh, whatever. Hey Chris, you tried.
Winners: Peyton Manning’s bank account as he cha-chinged his way through the post-game with talk of how he’s just a regular joe who likes pizza and beer. He just wants to kiss his wife and kids, but first he wants to lay one on Papa John, his business partner who he also kisses apparently. After the game he’s gonnna drink a whole lot of beers, but not just any ole beer. BUDWEISER. WINK.
Anabelle Bowlen. I wonder if her and Pat like to talk and not talk for hours.
“I feel like if you’ve been married for 20 years in Beverly Hills, it’s like you’ve been married 100 years anywhere else.”
What do you get when you mix 1 part snide comments about Lyme Disease, 1 part alter ego that intimidates everyone and 1 part Faye Resnick? The plot for every single episode this season of Housewives. Seriously can these ladies talk about/do anything else? Oh yeah, they can dress up like “Moulin Rouge” to celebrate their long-lasting marriages, and then talk about the three aforementioned topics at said party.
But before all that, it’s raining in BH because Kyle invited Faye to her BBQ and didn’t warn Lisa beforehand. Don’t question Lisa’s superpowers. She hates Faye no matter what and also now controls Kyle’s sugar intake. (It’s probably for the best.) Lisa compares Kyle inviting Faye to if she invited “Witchy-Poo.” Apparently that’s the adorbs nickname for Carlton. In case you don’t remember Carlton, she was a real sexual Wiccan and just about everyone hated her except for Brandi (who everyone also hates.) Kyle and Lisa passively aggressively fight about it but all is forgotten once they need to pick a locale for their joint anniversary party. Who has a joint anniversary party? Will Mauricio even show up or will it be Ken and the ladiez as always?
As the girls plan their party around slutty costumes, Lisa tries to swipe Kyle’s phone and we all learn that Kyle is a dirt friend. I’ve never seen a person scramble faster to rip that phone back. You know when your Bluetooth is hooked up in the car and a friend calls you, you have to announce that they’re on speakerphone so they don’t talk shit about the person you’re with? No? Just me. Well this was worse. We know Kyle doesn’t have nudes on there. Just shit-talking texts.
Rinna visits Erika to S her D and get a thirsty ass tour of her monstrosity of a house. She has A CHAPEL. ERIKA JAYNE…the HOOCHIE WHO SPEWS CLUB MUSIC IN A SHEER CATSUIT…HAS A CHURCH IN HER HOUSE. And a library, I assume for her husband. But really, back to the church, she got it because she likes to collect religious art. See a kewl portrait of Jesus? Why don’t you just erect a steeple in your home so you have somewhere to hang it? After Rinna gawks and talks about how that’s SO Pasadena of her (whatever that means) Erika takes some voice lessons where she just plays with her tongue and stuff.
New gal pal Kathryn cooks for her husband and he barks out requests for ingredients. It’s far too possible we have another David Foster on our hands. Except much younger, and more handsome, and probably cooler. The two of them hit the gym together, which is just so cute it makes me want to ralph all over them and their gossip weightlifting sesh.
Rinna goes over to Yo’s house to drag on this dumb AF storyline about the one time she used Wikipedia to look up Munchausen’s disease. Rather than apologizing for believing a website that anyone can contribute to, she says she feels like the worst person in the world for “engaging” or whatever buzzword we’re using to avoid saying that she talked smack. Yolanda replied with, “I’ve never heard of Munch-hausen-schmausen’s disease.” It’s even funnier than when she didn’t know how to pronounce cunninglingus last season. Yolanda is cute as pie and PS new revelation: Rinna has vagina armpits.
The event of the hour finally arrives and boy is it an eyeful. All the women treat the Moulin Rouge party like Halloween in college and make sure their T’s and A’s are fully on display. Kyle the most, obviously. Definitely not uncomfy at all to see her modeling the cleavage baring corset for her toddler. At the actual party, her high school age daughter shows up wearing a similar get up. Could we maybe leave the kids out of this?
Newbie’s Kathryn and Erika bond, if by bonding you mean one scolding the other for her potty mouth. Kathryn doesn’t love a good C U Next Tuesday and Erika does. Erika promises not to say it anymore around her after she gets verbally badgered that she’s too pretty for swears. Hey, Kathryn, I’m pretty too and a well-placed F bomb will always be funny. Have fun censoring yourself around Kathryn, everyone. It’ll be like hanging out with your parents.
BTW if I ever saw my parents attend a party like this I’d try to pluck my eyeballs out. Kyle does 15 splits because of course, and her nipples almost fall directly onto the floor. She also takes Mauricio’s D for a ride on the dance floor. Hope Alexia and her teen squad had blindfolds on for that number. Camille sashays around the dance floor like she doesn’t have a care in the world. To be clear she pretty much doesn’t because she still gets a Bravo paycheck but no one hates her for brawling on TV anymore. Drink every time one of the women refers to themselves as hookers. Whoops I’m dead.
As if Faye isn’t enough of a hot button topic (because Lisa didn’t even a little bit want her invited), Kathryn airs her grievances for the morally corrupt author. Kyle flies off the handle…probably because she hadn’t touched her vag to the floor in a minute and is all NOBODY talks shit about my bitch friend at my party full of Moulin Rouge hoes! Kyle and Lisa bicker about Faye and taking Kathryn’s side I think? I couldn’t really focus because the ghost of Taylor Armstrong showed up. No literally, did she mix up Moulin Rouge with Zombie Ghoul? She floats up mid-conversation then just stares at both of them and eavesdrops on their argument. The episode abruptly ends with a flashback to Brandi slapping Lisa. Hmm..
Most importantly, Rinna keeps her hair in a mom choppy bob because she wants her husband to F her. End of discussion.
PS This was a C+ recap because I’m still thinking of The People Vs. OJ Simpson and how Connie Britton delivering 4 lines as Faye Resnick was one thousand times more entertaining than the real Faye Resnick. And this entire season.
This week is MEXICO CITY, and on the plane the girls all shout at the camera and point because they were told to ad lib and they didn’t know what that meant. When they arrive at the Four Seasons, they cheers to finding love in Mexico and NOT dysentery from drinking the water.
“Let’s put all our eggs in one basket” with Amanda
Ben rolls into their hotel at 430AM gets in everyone’s sleeping grill piece and learns that the majority of his ladies in waiting look like garbage cans when they wake up. This life lesson is required of The Bachelor–an obligatory early morning drop-by to learn which ladies sleep in pink lipstick and glitter eye shadow, membs Britt? Leah is mortified that “her boyfriend” is seeing her like this. Who’s Leah? We may never know. Lauren H. has a retainer in and someone left their weave laying on the nightstand looking like a dead ferret. I’m not saying that I wake up looking like a dime piece, but I definitely don’t leave chunks of hair within reach of my slumber.
Not surprisingly, the only girl who looks picture ready is Amanda and she’s the one getting whisked away. Talk about a rough wake up call. Hey everyone, you look like monsters, I’m taking Amanda only, no need to take your slimy hardware out of your mouth. Seriously, put that thing back in your mouth. It’s a cesspool. PUT IT BACK IN YOUR MOUTH!
Amanda and Ben go on a hot air balloon ride and picnic in a random field, obv. At night, Ben does his typical deep probing interview process and Amanda tells him how her ex-husband sucked. Ben is in shock that a guy wouldn’t “wrap her and her children up.” That was a real sentence he said. Wrap them up in what, Ben? Do tell. Amanda reassures Ben that she shouldn’t be tossed aside because she’s already taken the marriage thing for a spin; in fact, marriage is more special to her now. Oh, honey. You obviously haven’t seen the outcome of The Bachelor…you don’t need to be serious about marriage to get the proposal at the end. Just pretend long enough for the press tour afterward and then you can both move on with your separate blogging careers and DWTS appearances. Anyway, Ben is like thank you for opening up here’s a rose, date’s over. Let’s not talk about me. Do any of these girls know a thing about him? Why is he such an interrogator on dates? Has he ever held a champagne flute before? All questions that demand to be answered.
“Como se dice…the way to a man’s heart” with Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, Leah, Olivia
WHAT a crew to learn basic Spanish in front of my very judgmental eyes. It’s possible that I’ll take it easy on them because I had a very Bachelor-contestant-esque moment last evening when I questioned if Mexico City was actually in Mexico. Turns out it is, and also I’m a moron. At least I’m really pretty. You don’t need to be both smart and pretty in this world, so I’m told. Case in point, the girls butcher learn how to say “I’m falling in love with you” and “I’m going to kiss you now” in espanol, because that’s VITAL for reading recipes in another language. It’s rough, but not as rough as Emily admitting she has no cooking skills or language skills and orders tres churros. (How do you think she pronounces Haitians?) SHE’S ONLY GOOD AT TALKING IN UNISON GUYS, CUT HER A BREAK! Jubilee turns into a jelly belly during the high school class sesh and sasses Ben back in English. The girls look on in horror. NOBODY talks back to their boyfriend. She gonn’ learn. (Really, though.)
At the market, Olivia snags Ben for her team and Jubilee tries a little threesome action, she’s quickly swatted away. It only takes two to romantically feed each other crickets. Everyone looks on with dagger eyes. Leftover Twin harps on Olivia’s dragon breath again like a real catty ass bitch who doesn’t know how to do anything but be a twin and apparently bark about someone else’s halitosis. JoJo is really excited for the chef to taste her taco. She knows her taco tastes really good and she just WANTS SOMEONE TO EAT IT. EAT JOJO’S TACO, DAMNIT. Jubilee takes the W for best fish, by herself, I guess? She’s taking all the credit and I’m wondering if she even had a partner other than her misery and potent jealousy in this competition.
At drinks later, the stealing is off to a hot start when Olivia cuts him off mid-sentence for a mediocre conversation about their meal that looked so gross the chefs talked about it in their native language like the Asians do at the nail salon when they see how gross someone’s feet are. Remember Jen and her big T’s from week one? She’s back in action this episode with a few lines. I start to think, Good for Jen! Coming back into the game. Then she says, “Once I commit to someone they’ll have my heart and soul forever.” HEAVY re-intro from Jen. Lauren B. is wearing gloriously white crop coords that I’m guessing only look good on little petite size 0 nuggets. She’s rewarded for looking like a dime with a severe tongue inspection from Ben to the symphony of church bells. He sees angels, or ripping that white skirt off Lauren B. Either one. Jubilee gets some QT with Ben to whine about her life and how hard it is to date him and constantly be such a raging B when he’s trying to be nice to her. She rips her hand out of his. He should’ve hip-checked her to the curb right then. Ben asks Jubz, straight up now tell me, do you wanna be with me? Jubilee has the BaLLZ to reply, “I want you to tell me that you want to be with me.” BAIIIIII. I was once on Team Jubilee when dem hoes (AMBER) were after her but she dug her own grave here. JoJo steals Ben hot off the Jubilee sendoff and looks like a real dick. Ben glares at her then makes out with her. Olivia gets a rose cause they “reconnected.” Although, according to Olivia and her magical imaginary touches from Ben, they never really un-connected. A leg push ALWAYS means something ladies, never forget.
Mexican Fash Week with Lauren H.
Lauren H. is JUST a teacher who has an ambiguous maybe Midwestern, maybe southern accent and dutifully wears her retainers. Golly gee, how could she ever end up on a catwalk during fashion week? Answer: because at Mexico fashion week, the clothes are made with good ole-fashioned spin-art.
Lauren H. asks everyone how long they’ve modeled, says she’s super nervous then proves to all those bitches who’ve been at it for 4 years that anyone can walk a runway. (And probably have a diet consisting of more than cotton balls with duck sauce.) Later on, Ben asks her to reveal her life story and we learn that you can’t make it on the Bachelor unless you have a carousel full of emosh relationship baggage trailing behind you. Lauren H. one ups Amanda’s ex-husband story with a tale of a boyfriend she dated for 4 years, moved across the country for, and found out he was side-piecing 3 other chicks, one of them being…HER FRIEND. That’s some real Days of Our Lives shit right there. She has decided to always choose happiness and that’s why she’s so bubbly and carefree and into smooching puppets. Don’t ever gloss over the fact that she put her lips on a puppet last week. Ben <3’s that about her and gives her a rose.
Cocktails
This episode was really boring and I was truly hoping we would get a fiery fight in our cocktail hour and instead we got one-part twin tears and one-part MTV insults. But first, Lauren B. wants to tell Ben things are getting pretty serious so she lets him know that she can see a life, but not just a life, like a LIFE life with him. Okay, Lauren B. time to lay off the vino. She also tells him it’s terrifying. So that’s comforting.
Not as comforting as Olivia informing Amanda that her life sounds like a Teen Mom episode. Amanda stands her ground, good for her and fires back at Olivia that she had a kid when she was 22. To be fair, the Teen Mom OG crew is around that age and on their second kid, SO THERE. She also adds on that Olivia reminds her of Snooki because she’s a hot mess. MTV sits back in their executive chairs over Times Square and gleefully rubs their hands together. Two original show name drops in one night. Why even buy advertising? Leftover Twin cries about Olivia being disrespectful and decides to air her grievances to Ben, AKA suicide mission. That’s bold of her but also not that bold because she would’ve been gone next week anyway. Olivia comes out of nowhere to pounce probably because a producer tipped her off to the blood. Olivia gives Ben a ring while Leftover Twin calls Dumped Twin to cry waterfalls about how Olivia is rude and stuff. Ben calls each witness to the stand to say something shitty about Olivia and there’s certainly no shortage of bitchy comments in that department. The Hoover dam has been opened and it’s flowing out of Olivia’s open mouth. Will Ben take backsies on that rose or will he continue to have the spine of a jellyfish and keep her around to terrorize the others behind his back? I think we all know the answer.
I went into this one with real low expectations and assumed I would be turning it off halfway through. Mostly because even though John Travolta is a big creep-dogg now, his role as Danny Zuko was easily my first crush (I’ve got a thing for bad boys) and I had a hard time imagining anyone else taking his place as the Zukster. I would call last night the first successful TV musical and I think everyone in America agrees. Mostly because of Aaron Tveit’s hips. Really though, in the sand, under the docks, I’d smooch this boy anywhere after last night’s performance. Here are the highs and lows of a musical based on the premise of a girl changing everything about herself for sex.
YES:
-Seriously Sandy, stop being such a square. Kisses from a guy with an open button-down make everything better.
-My favorite college bar used to play Summer Nights every single Saturday, which is just good business. Get a bunch of college kids boozed up and then have them scream in unison “NIIIII-HEIIIGHHHTTTSSSSS”. Needless to say, after damaging my eardrums from that on repeat every weekend, I was a little nervous for the live rendition. They nailed it though. Speaking of nailed, I feel like Danny’s friends should try it sometime and maybe they wouldn’t be so hard up for his beach hookup deets.
-LET THE HIP THRUSTS BEGIN. He could have sung Lamb Chop Sing-along here and I wouldn’t have noticed at all thanks to those hot moves. Seriously, were they even singing about a car?
-All hail the 50’s for their athletic nut huggers
-I don’t remember Frenchie being such a feminist in the original Grease, then again I also don’t remember a country that wasn’t aggressively racist and segregated in the 1950’s but that’s neither here nor there. In modern-reboot world, black students don’t have to drink from a separate drinking fountain, they can hand jive with the rest of ‘em, and Frenchie is a capital F feminist. She yaps to Sandy about how she doesn’t need Danny, she can be an independent woman like they teach in home ec. And Sandy’s like yeah whatever I’m gonna go buy some leather pants and get my man.
-Vanessa Hudgens as Rizzo slayed. Hudgens lost her dad this past weekend and went on to crush it as everyone’s fave sloot. She was sassy and looked like a real dime. Even her solo at the end was good and if we’re being honest that was always a song I skipped so I could get right to “tell me about it, stud” goods.
-Was it lame that they had to edit song lyrics and keep the kisses PG for primetime? Kind of. Was it AWESOME that they didn’t tone down the dancing? Yes. I’d like to personally thank Fox for allowing this to air:
It looked like a Miami club all up in that gym. Except of course, for Sandy…
Cool moves, grl.
-I wore leather pants out Saturday night and totally had a hot guy crawl around the bar after me too, and pass out from how hot I looked… (Not..jealous..at..all)
NO:
-Although it pains me to say this, because Boyz II Men are the originators of babymakin music, but after their performance as the teen angels, I think they’re past their prime. In other words, they’ve come to the end of the road. ZING.
-Related but also unrelated to Boyz II Men, Carly Rae Jepsen kinda sucked as Frenchie. The original Frenchie was so much better. She even outshined Carly as the waitress at the diner. Yikes.
-This new song was alright, but nothing’s weirder than the guitar guy roaming around the gym trying to distract us from our very own “who wears short shorts” commercial in the flesh, via Danny Zuko.
-The infamous drag race where there’s fire and cars getting chopped up and a terrifying villain named Leo with pockmarks all over his face was DUST in last night’s version. I understand they have limited resources on a sound stage but they didn’t even try that hard to make it look like they weren’t in a stationary car making a bunch of intense faces. I stand by my tweet.
-If they had a carnival set up outside WHY DID THEY NOT HAVE THE ENTIRE FINAL SCENE THERE? Starting in the gym and then driving golf carts around the set to finish the show was super dumb.
-Yeah, yeah, smoking is the worst but Bad Sandy NEEDS a cigg here. How is she supposed to stomp it out with her heel and look like a leather-clad minx while doing it?
-Related: you can’t have the final scene without the scandalous Shake Shack shimmy and the flying car. No argument. End of discussion.
Oh, obviously Julianne Hough was great as Sandy. As if that was ever a question. The girl’s a profesh at everything and cute as a button. From one Bad Sandy to another, I’ll just continue to be bitter about the fact that she got to mack Aaron and stuff…
We are in full swing with another new girl (she finally has an intro!!) and then Bravo slaps us right in the face by making appearances by that trashmonster Faye a regular occurrence. But first, let’s watch Lisa walk around a sex shop and act like she’s never seen a whip or dildo before!
Then we get to know the new bitch in town. Kathryn is a full cast member now, which means that she gets a double entendre intro about banging football players and we get to learn about how she would never be caught dead in business class. Although, when she reveals she flies first class, doesn’t she realize HOW POOR SHE SOUNDS? Srsly, Kathryn, you don’t have a private jet? Erika Girardi does and she was once a cocktail waitress, not an international supermodel, step up ya game girl. Anyway, Kath is just your average midwestern gal with a private jeweler. I can also take comfort in the fact that neither her nor her football hunk of a husband ever have to work again for the rest of their lives. As I huddled near the fireplace for body heat and my mom sorted through boxes in preparation of moving for the 50th time we both looked at each other and said: same. Work is for schmucks.
Later on, we see Kathryn and Rinna do breakfast to talk about their plastic surgery and how they virtually know nothing about each other but are pretending to be long lost friends for the sake of the show. And Rinna says she’s an actress…My favorite line of hers in this scene is when she unconvincingly tells Kathryn that she remembered really liking her. That was worse than when I run into someone from high school I never spoke to and we play the “let’s catch up sometime” game. Next time I’ll add at the end, “I kind of remember you being funny once in study hall?”
On a more serious note, this episode features some more somber storylines for Eileen. You know, things that are probably too emosh to be included on this vapid show where a woman in a floor length gown hosts a BBQ catered by professional chefs. Eileen packs her sister’s ashes in a Ziploc baggie and gets ready to leave for the family trip to Rome. Do ashes pass through customs? Just wondering. More importantly…why aren’t we seeing more of her babelicious stepsons?!
Okay so anyway, Kyle is throwing a party just so she can gather Faye and Kathryn in a small space and watch sparks fly. She’s calling it a BBQ but we soon learn that she’s shitting all over the great ‘Merican tradition of hotdogs and bud lattes in a backyard. Yolanda shows up in a poncho, leggings and flip flops (typical backyard hangout garb) and is greeted by Kyle in her Oscars red carpet finest. How anyone puts up with Kyle as a friend baffles me. Kyle is the friend that tells everyone not to exchange gifts at Christmas and then spends $500 on each of her friends. She’s the girl who says she just rolled out of bed and then shows up to grab coffee in a romper and wedges. Kyle is a turd. And Faye is turd 2.0 as she also shows up dressed for a charity brunch. Both Rinna and Erika get bonus points for wearing normal summer cookout outfits and Erika steals my heart again when she’s like where da grill at? Seriously, Kyle. You should be kicked out of this country. Don’t ever trap a lady under the premise of wieners and then deliver caviar. They’re not the same.
Kyle continues her hot streak as worst friend ever when she makes a very awkward intro between Faye and Kathryn. Especially since they’ve both clearly expressed they don’t want to be meet each other. Kathryn immediately stares at the ground and starts babbling about neon heels with Erika. No one has much time to dwell in the uncomfies because the goddess that is Camille Grammar struts in and she has some fiery pink tresses. Could she be more fabulous? Why is she not a cast member anymore?
Kathryn and Yolanda talk about how they were once the two most beautiful models in the world an then Yo is outtie five thou because she had her boobs ripped from her body like five minutes ago and probably isn’t real into socializing at a fake BBQ at the mo’. Naturally as soon as Yo leaves all the girls get catty AF with her illness being fake again. The newest revelation is that Muhammed says the kids don’t have Lyme Disease. Lisa brings it up to the table full of gossiping betches and then tries to shut it down and says it’s no one’s business. Erika stands firmly on Team Yolanda. Did I mention how much I love that ole bag of sparkles?
Back to Faye, the shittiest dinner party guest on this earth (including the fake hypnotist who smoked e-ciggs.) If you’ll recall she was a real dirtbag to Lisa like 4 years ago and Lisa DOESN’T FORGET! Rinna takes the opportunity to throw Lisa right under the bus and make the two hash out their issues. Faye tiptoes out of that conflict and steps right in a steaming pile of OJ Drama.
Kathryn gets a few glasses of rosé in her and suddenly she’s singing like a bird about how much she hates Faye. Minor detail: she’s never actually read what Faye wrote about her in the OJ tell-all. Not a great start to a feud, especially with that snake. Regardless, she takes off her hoops and revs up for a brawl with a little Brooklyn (?) accented “Don’t act like you KNOW me.” As soon as Faye returns to the table, she pounces. Faye sits back stroking her arm, lights a pipe and purrs, “do you feel better?” Faye fakely apologizes for anything she’s done to offend anyone (she’s offended every single person at that table) But worry not, because there is no conflict that cannot be solved with empty compliments. Kyle tells Faye that she’s a great girlfriend, then round robin style, Faye gives a warm fuzzy to Kathryn by saying she looks beautiful. Okay everyone has said something nice about one another, so the conflict has been resolved! If we’re being honest, I could’ve used less of Faye choking out compliments and more lively dinner conversation about who’s posed in Playboy. Mostly because we got the dime of all flashbacks to the OG dinner party and “THE MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK!” God, I miss Camille in her prime.
“Olivia’s talent seems to be popping out of a cake and into the other girls’ nightmares.”-Chris Harrison
Snaps for this season of the Bachelor already giving Ben a bigger travel budget than Kaitlyn had. Have at it, feminists, because we’re on week 4 and the group is already hitting Vegas, with a trip to Mexico on deck for next week. Kaitlyn’s season couldn’t even afford home visits….so0oo0…
Speaking of hometowns, the twins are ecstatic about Ben visiting their native land before he even knows which one is which. They can’t wait to show him the Eiffel Tower and Tombs of Pharaoh. Maybe they’ll even dip into Caesar’s Palace and Twin 1 will tell him that the real Caesar lived there. Olivia just wants to see Celine. Same girl, Same.
“You Set My Heart on Fire” with JoJo
Shocker, their date is a helicopter ride, since it’s following my previously outlined date-with-Ben algorithm. SUUPER original. Except this time he sets up a table with champs just for the helicopter to blow it over and force him and JoJo to duck behind it for cover. Later on, JoJo apparently is sad she’s had a failed relationship. In other news JoJo is really boring and breaking up with a guy after a year isn’t the most dramatic thing we’ve ever heard. I mean a mere week ago we learned about someone’s entire family dying. Kick it into perspective, girlfrand. Anyway, there are fireworks and sloppy kisses and Olivia hears a few crackles in the sky and almost sniffs them out to prevent someone else’s relationship from advancing ahead of hers.
Nothing says VEGAS quite like a shitty ventriloquist that a few of the girls pretend to know. This ventriloquist would have been the worst act to ever grace Vegas, if it wasn’t for Olivia and her cabaret number. Bless Lauren B. for speaking for every girl on this show and admitting, “I have no talent. I have 0 talent.” I wonder if that’s a tagline used in the casting call for each season? It seems fitting. Even though Ben has requested everyone to unearth their deepest special talents, some are better than others at admitting they’re dust when it comes to the talent department. I’m looking at you Lauren H. Singing “Old McDonald Had A Farm” and spelling out the word rose in a chicken suit does not a talent make. Someone was on Lauren H’s side though because despite that being REAL embarrassing, she really dodged a bullet when a producer talked Olivia into going for whatever she was trying to go for there.
Enter: the worst stripper you could ever hire. Olivia clamors those honking ankles of hers out of a cake and clunks over the edge. Once her hooves hit the ground she then breaks into an awkward shimmy, kick, spectacle and the crowd is really feeling it.
JK her performance makes everyone in this world uncomfy, including Ben. Since Olivia is really confident in herself and never gets embarrassed, it’s surprising to see that she immediately is mortified and has channeled that into a 5 star panic attack. SERIOUSLY GUYS GET THE CAMERAS AWAY FROM HER!! SHE HATES ATTENTION!
At the evening portion of the most embarrassing televised moment of Olivia’s life—please keep in mind this is the same girl whose jaw at one point extended from the top of my TV screen to the bottom—Caila is commended for being a sex panther. Show’s over, Olivia. You’re the anti-sexy and Ben just compared another woman to a wildcat in the sheets. There’s a sidebar of Ben and Lauren H. hanging out with a puppet. It’s sad that Lauren H. thinks five minutes with Ben and a dummy counts as a real date. I almost shed a tear for her. Then she kisses the puppet and she ain’t worth my pity tears. Olivia finally gets her moment to shine (ask Ben if her performance was a boner kill) and Ben’s like, “it wasn’t thaaattt…”CUE THE TWIN-INTERRUPTUS. As the ladies know, you can’t keep an Olivia down and she comes back with an awkward jig and a vengeance. She can’t go to bed without a smooch from Ben. So she forces him to kiss her by leaning in with her lips out and staring at him with the crazy eyes. Lauren B. gets the rose.
“Get Dressed it’s a Big Day” with Becca
Becca gets a wedding dress hand-delivered so that all the other girls can shit themselves and make aggressive jokes about her virginity. Cause girls build each other up and stuff. On the date, they marry OTHER people in a tacky Vegas chapel. By that I mean Ben marries other people and Becca watches with an encouraging smile. Ben tries to make other people’s marriages all about him and his newly online ordained skillset and not to raise any unnecessary red flags…but Ben and Becca are definitely witnesses to a very creepy mail order bride sitch, but that’s neither here nor there.
Later, Ben takes Becca to a junkyard with neon signs, but like it has grants and stuff. So it’s educational? I don’t know. I guess I would rather he stick to the aviation + unknown singer formula. He addresses how casj Becca was that Chris Soules ALMOST PROPOSED TO HER and she’s like eh I’m over it, round 2 baby. JK Becca is more mature now and knows she doesn’t want a fake farmer with pit stains. Between you and me, I’ve got odds on Becca to run train on this thing. The season that is, not Ben. Obviously. They discuss the elephant in the room that all of America already knows Becca is a virgin because she was dubbed THA VIRGIN of last season. Ben giggles that he’s the opposite of a virgin. I bet Becca’s never heard that one before. They both agree their faith is strong enough to not bone before marriage.
SURPRISE! Twinning at Home
IN A SHOCKING TWIST—Ben wants to do a 2-on-1 AND hometown date with the twinz. So basically, Ben is forced to prove that he still doesn’t know which twin is which. One of the twins (Haley?) is embarrassed that her bedroom at home (where she still lives because she’s fresh outta college) is littered with pics of her and her ex boyf. I’m embarrassed by the amount of Pink body mists she owns. My watching partner of the evening roots for Ben to end up with the mom, mostly because he thinks the twins are uggo. Instead, Ben kicks the girl (Haley?) who’s hung up on her ex-bf to the curb. Emily’s really proud of her sister for being so strong, especially since she basically told Ben to cut the dead weight of her own flesh and blood. Also we can go ahead and QUIT IT with the twins telling him he needs to treat them as individuals. RLY?
Also, related but unrelated- shout out to my best roomie Den, who put up with 2 hours of garbage last night and even gave me an update on what I missed when I went to get my laundry. You da real MVP. No matter what Olivia says.
BYE Rachel, whose last parting words were: “Idk I was the only one who didn’t kiss him yet.” AND THAT WASN’T A RED FLAG? BYE Amber, who cries on a chaise lounge in the dark, heels dangling from her hand. Pls don’t ever come back. Third time is NOT a charm.
Hey, hey, hey, we’re still in the Hamptons and everyone’s gotten over fangirling all up on Erika Jayne so now I’m bored. Last night’s final event of the trip is the opening of a pop-up shop for Kyle’s “Forever 21 for 50 Year Olds Trying Too Hard.” Seriously, do you see the fitted hats with glitter words in the above picture? Three of the girls wear pink to the event and Lisa almost rips their dresses right off them upon her arrival. Bethenny is still lurking around the wrong show and approaches Erika to apologize but not really apologize. Erika’s like we Gucci, I don’t concern myself with your opinions. Then we get into the juicy biz of gossip because not an episode goes by without a side conversation about Kim Richards that gives Kyle the uncomfies. Rinna thinks it would be approps to revisit last year’s feud with Kim so that she can declare that she caused Kim’s addiction and downward spiral. Oh, Rinna. Stop making everyone else’s problems about you. Kyle sneaks up on the group as they’re making her family’s deep-rooted issues about themselves and everyone gets REAL nervous. It’s like when you were in high school and your parents walk in on you and your friends talking about whose getting alcohol for your basement drinking on Friday night and instead of covering it up everyone just turns and stares at them, looking guilty. Surprisingly, Kyle handles it well and instead of losing her shit she shouts LET’S DRINK TO NOT CARING ABOUT KIM! WOOHOOOOO HAMPTONS.
The ladies all purchase their age inappropriate crop tops and booty shorts and then head back to Kyle’s for a dinner party. Obviously housewives can’t eat dinner without a little drama. Eileen and Lisa start yapping about their dumb disagreement over asking too many questions or whatever and Ken, WHO DOES NOT HAVE A G-D LIFE OUTSIDE OF FOLLOWING LISA AROUND, butts in and demands to know what Eileen’s talking to HIS WIFE about. Look, I can’t shit on Ken enough this season. It’s getting sad. He needs to find friends and stop attending all-female events and involving himself in bitch fights while Giggy sits on his lap. If he ever had a man card, it’s been set on fire this season.
Anyway, the conversation spins back to feuds past—so Erika can get caught up on all the shit she definitely already knows about. And while Kyle is addressing her demons with Kim’s addiction, Rinna tells us in her confessional, “Kyle’s sister is getting arrested left and right and it’s affecting me deeply.” Oh, it is, Rinna? Poor you. (I’m salivating over Kyle sinking her teeth into that sound byte at the reunion.)
Once the girls have politely sniffed at their lobster, Kyle feels like it’s an opportune time to play round robin of “what keeps you up at night?” I guess this is better than charades or whatever it was that ended with the girls calling each other slut pigs, but it doesn’t seem like it will go well at all. Lisa’s like, I don’t have any problems, tralala. And then…dare I say it. I laughed out loud at something Kyle said. She comes out of left field with the zing of the century for Lisa when she says; “Your biggest problem can’t be getting a mini pony onto a private plane.” Everyone’s shitting on Lisa for her first world problems and Eileen is like hey everyone I’ve been abused. Yikes, Eileen. Read the room. We rebound quickly from the heavy when Kyle is all, okay not to be selfish but… HAHAHA Kyle’s got jokes tonight. Seriously, she was on FIRE!
In other boring news, Erika cruises on over to Ohio in her private plane with shitty chamomile tea bags to pick up Yolanda after her surgery. We have to look at her disgusting implant photos again. Ralph city. And also, Faye Resnick is back. She’s here to design Kyle’s new closet the size of my apt and give unsolicited family advice. I wish Connie Britton played Faye Resnick in real life too.
Next up—the Hero Dog Awards, where celebrities match their toy dog to their outfit and carry it around Pump with a cocktail. This party WOULD have been boring, had we not met the next newbie in the crew. I thought the day would never come, I mean she doesn’t even have a mildly offensive and definitely narcissistic tagline in the opening credits. If she did, maybe it would say that she’s introduced as Rinna’s friend, but Rinna clearly knows nothing about her. Not five seconds after Rinna’s like omg Kathryn I can’t believe it’s you; she brings up the most infamous celebrity murder in the past 30 years. You know, typical catching up chitchat. Apparently Kathryn was married to Marcus (OJ’s BFF, and possible sexual partner of Nicole Brown-Simpson) at the height of the whole thang. Rinna makes it no secret that the only things she knows about Kathryn she probably read in Faye Resnick’s memoir and therefore I’m guessing Kathryn’s title as “Rinna’s friend” is preeetttyyy loosey goosey.
Looking to make this staged run-in more awkward? Look no further than Eileen who gets a case of the nervy word vomits and goes Hi Kathryn nice to meet you; I dated your ex-husband once. And we’re off! To a great start with Kathryn-no one knows her last name. Once Kyle brings Faye into things, it becomes very clear that maybe we should leave discussion of murder off the Real Housewives. The Kardashians are already involved in OJ. Let’s leave well enough alone, shall we ladies? We’ve boatloads of drama without involving an infamous homicide. JK we’re going to milk it for this season’s drama clearly because next week is Faye Vs. Kathryn to hash out 20-year-old beef. I do know one thing though. OJ’s been laying heavy on Rinna’s life and that’s definitely something we need to consider and console her for.
Super Bowl Schmooper Bowl, you all know I hate football and love puppies soo0o0o let’s talk about my favorite event of the year. There’s a reason I’m known as a dog creeper in my group of friends. And that reason is less concerning than you might think. Mostly I got my rep from sneak petting strange dogs every time I pass one. I also have a knack for smiling at dogs when I walk by them on the street. Real normal stuff. Anyway, ask me to write a serious story and I’ll stare at my computer screen for hours…ask me to make up fake personalities for dogs I’ve only seen one picture of? GAMETIME. Not all puppies can be first draft picks based on athletic ability, so I’ve gathered the top characters from this year’s lineup so you know what to expect.
Wrinkles
Look, Wrinkles is super self conscious that his face looks like he got permanently smushed fighting for his mom’s nip in a litter full of puppies. We need to rub some confidence on Wrinkles because once he realizes his face is adorable and he can get mad kitty cheerleader tail, he’ll be a force to reckon with on the field.
Miss Sassy
There’s a reason she got this name. Even her picture shows that she’s sassy AF. I bet she strutted into this photoshoot and was like hit it boys, eat your heart out. Miss Sassy’s going to be using her time on the field to flirt with bros on the opposing team until they give her the ball and she spikes it into the endzone. Her TD dance is a shimmy, obviously.
Marley
Marley is clearly gearing up for a high five in this shot. NICE. She’s the morale booster of her team and gets everyone on the same page with a pep talk and a trips up her competitors with a classic down low, TOO SLOW.
Shylah
Shylah looks like she just asked the maid to draw the curtains so she can be alone with her thoughts. I’m guessing she gets a little overwhelmed in a team atmosphere on the field and she’ll need her fellow pups to really rally around her to grab the W.
Leah
Every Shylah needs a Leah. Leah loves life and probably has a kickass time anywhere she goes. She’s your friend that brings you out on a night when you have “netflix binge in snuggie” written in permanent marker on your calendar. Leah’s the Gronk of the team. She probably tells a bunch of dirty jokes, winks at the cameras and tackles the shit out of her opponents. A real show-woman.
Jimmy
What a C-Hunk. Guaranteed at some point during the game Jimmy starts dragging those back legs around because he’s just too tired to make them functional. Luckily for him he’s good looking and knows how to play up the personality to distract from the beer gut.
Countess
Countess has “I just took a dump on the white carpet” written all over her. She’s probably super clumsy and will fumble a lot. She’s also most likely to poop right on the field. Prove me wrong, Countess.
Rugby
I think we know who’s vying for MVP this year. Rugby plays so hard he couldn’t stop for like five seconds to take this picture. He’s hungry for a victory and always wants the ball. Most likely to: tell his teammates in the huddle that if they pass the ball to him, he’ll take care of the rest.
Bijoux
What a tall drink of water Bijoux is. She’s got limbs for days and unlike myself she probably knows how to athletically use them to her advantage. I picture mah grl B soaring through the air and tackling two dogs at once. Cause she’s a Bo$$ bitch.
Sailor
Sailor has the passion but he’s just a touch out of shape. He’ll try to keep up with the others but physically he has baby legs and a little bit of a tum tum. He probably hasn’t hit the gym in a few months but he’s not self-conscious about it. More to love, baby.
Chichi
Chi-Dubbz looks terrified. Are we sure she’s not being forced to do this? She kinda has the same look I used to have when my gym teacher told me I had to run the mile or I’d fail the class. For the record, I still stand by the fact that the people who actually ran their fastest mile mid-day at school (where time counted for nothing) and then continued the rest of the day covered in sweat were the real losers. I got yo back Chichi.
Timber
It’s GOIN DOWN. I’m yellin TIMBER! Seriously could a song be embodied more? Look at the velocity of that tail whip. Timber’s ready to rock. He also probably has the attention span of gnat because he’s literally looking at the ceiling. He’ll be hard to catch on the field. A Smash Williams without the ‘roids, if you will.
Puddin Pop
Is this a joke? I feel like there’s so many reasons that dogs could hate us and naming one Puddin Pop is a legit reason. Poor girl. I can’t even make up a back story for her because all I can think of is this:
Cooper
I’d bet money that Cooper’s this year’s stoooooner dog. They probably told him to sit and he’s all, I’d rather kick back and light a J. When Timber’s getting all wound up Cooper will be the first to tell him to relaaaxxx.
Brooklyn
QB1 in the HIIZZOUUUSEEEEE. Brooklyn’s got the focus and determination to lead his team to a championship. He also has the biggest ears on this planet that he constantly gets chirped about, so he’s developed the thick skin expected of the team’s ringleader.
Okay, Okay I’m done I promise. Tune into the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet the day of the Super Bowl to see a bunch of puppies play with each other and a creepy ref interfere with bullshit calls. CLEAR EYES, FULL BLADDERS, CAN’T LOSE!
The Salty Ju 