RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Busted BBQ”

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We are in full swing with another new girl (she finally has an intro!!) and then Bravo slaps us right in the face by making appearances by that trashmonster Faye a regular occurrence. But first, let’s watch Lisa walk around a sex shop and act like she’s never seen a whip or dildo before!

Then we get to know the new bitch in town. Kathryn is a full cast member now, which means that she gets a double entendre intro about banging football players and we get to learn about how she would never be caught dead in business class. Although, when she reveals she flies first class, doesn’t she realize HOW POOR SHE SOUNDS? Srsly, Kathryn, you don’t have a private jet? Erika Girardi does and she was once a cocktail waitress, not an international supermodel, step up ya game girl. Anyway, Kath is just your average midwestern gal with a private jeweler. I can also take comfort in the fact that neither her nor her football hunk of a husband ever have to work again for the rest of their lives. As I huddled near the fireplace for body heat and my mom sorted through boxes in preparation of moving for the 50th time we both looked at each other and said: same. Work is for schmucks.

Later on, we see Kathryn and Rinna do breakfast to talk about their plastic surgery and how they virtually know nothing about each other but are pretending to be long lost friends for the sake of the show. And Rinna says she’s an actress…My favorite line of hers in this scene is when she unconvincingly tells Kathryn that she remembered really liking her. That was worse than when I run into someone from high school I never spoke to and we play the “let’s catch up sometime” game. Next time I’ll add at the end, “I kind of remember you being funny once in study hall?”

On a more serious note, this episode features some more somber storylines for Eileen. You know, things that are probably too emosh to be included on this vapid show where a woman in a floor length gown hosts a BBQ catered by professional chefs. Eileen packs her sister’s ashes in a Ziploc baggie and gets ready to leave for the family trip to Rome. Do ashes pass through customs? Just wondering. More importantly…why aren’t we seeing more of her babelicious stepsons?!

Okay so anyway, Kyle is throwing a party just so she can gather Faye and Kathryn in a small space and watch sparks fly. She’s calling it a BBQ but we soon learn that she’s shitting all over the great ‘Merican tradition of hotdogs and bud lattes in a backyard. Yolanda shows up in a poncho, leggings and flip flops (typical backyard hangout garb) and is greeted by Kyle in her Oscars red carpet finest. How anyone puts up with Kyle as a friend baffles me. Kyle is the friend that tells everyone not to exchange gifts at Christmas and then spends $500 on each of her friends. She’s the girl who says she just rolled out of bed and then shows up to grab coffee in a romper and wedges. Kyle is a turd. And Faye is turd 2.0 as she also shows up dressed for a charity brunch. Both Rinna and Erika get bonus points for wearing normal summer cookout outfits and Erika steals my heart again when she’s like where da grill at? Seriously, Kyle. You should be kicked out of this country. Don’t ever trap a lady under the premise of wieners and then deliver caviar. They’re not the same.

Kyle continues her hot streak as worst friend ever when she makes a very awkward intro between Faye and Kathryn. Especially since they’ve both clearly expressed they don’t want to be meet each other. Kathryn immediately stares at the ground and starts babbling about neon heels with Erika. No one has much time to dwell in the uncomfies because the goddess that is Camille Grammar struts in and she has some fiery pink tresses. Could she be more fabulous? Why is she not a cast member anymore?

Kathryn and Yolanda talk about how they were once the two most beautiful models in the world an then Yo is outtie five thou because she had her boobs ripped from her body like five minutes ago and probably isn’t real into socializing at a fake BBQ at the mo’. Naturally as soon as Yo leaves all the girls get catty AF with her illness being fake again. The newest revelation is that Muhammed says the kids don’t have Lyme Disease. Lisa brings it up to the table full of gossiping betches and then tries to shut it down and says it’s no one’s business. Erika stands firmly on Team Yolanda. Did I mention how much I love that ole bag of sparkles?

Back to Faye, the shittiest dinner party guest on this earth (including the fake hypnotist who smoked e-ciggs.) If you’ll recall she was a real dirtbag to Lisa like 4 years ago and Lisa DOESN’T FORGET! Rinna takes the opportunity to throw Lisa right under the bus and make the two hash out their issues. Faye tiptoes out of that conflict and steps right in a steaming pile of OJ Drama.

Kathryn gets a few glasses of rosé in her and suddenly she’s singing like a bird about how much she hates Faye. Minor detail: she’s never actually read what Faye wrote about her in the OJ tell-all. Not a great start to a feud, especially with that snake. Regardless, she takes off her hoops and revs up for a brawl with a little Brooklyn (?) accented “Don’t act like you KNOW me.” As soon as Faye returns to the table, she pounces. Faye sits back stroking her arm, lights a pipe and purrs, “do you feel better?” Faye fakely apologizes for anything she’s done to offend anyone (she’s offended every single person at that table) But worry not, because there is no conflict that cannot be solved with empty compliments. Kyle tells Faye that she’s a great girlfriend, then round robin style, Faye gives a warm fuzzy to Kathryn by saying she looks beautiful. Okay everyone has said something nice about one another, so the conflict has been resolved! If we’re being honest, I could’ve used less of Faye choking out compliments and more lively dinner conversation about who’s posed in Playboy. Mostly because we got the dime of all flashbacks to the OG dinner party and “THE MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK!” God, I miss Camille in her prime.

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