Category Archives: Television

Pop Culture, Television

Tom Haverford-isms

Happy Tom

Parks & Rec, much like The Office, is full of quirky and hilarious characters that I could write one million blogs about. I’m focusing on Tom Haverford this time around because we all have a lot we could learn from him. Tom was the most creative little nugget in Pawnee, always coming up with inventions and phrases. As someone who rarely says an entire word, even I learned a few new abbrevs from Tommy Havs and I believe it would be beneficial to us all to start working in the following top phrases from Tom into every day lingo.

1. Tum Grums. I’m hungry roughly every 30 minutes and it probably get exhausting for the people around me to hear over and over again that I’m hungies. Throwing in that I have the “tum grums” every once in a while could really spice things up. Plus when my blood sugar gets low and I turn into a raging bitch-monster only to be tamed by chips and candy, using this adorbs phrase will make me seem more endearing and less threatening.

2. Winnie the Boo. Enough with this BAE shit…Tommy had it down when he rattled off all the terms of endearment he was brainstorming for Ann (when they dated for a hot second.) This was my personal favorite because it just rolls right off the tongue and maybe even will make you think of your sig other wearing just a t-shirt, no pants.

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3. Fart Attack. This was obviously a case-specific phrase in reference to when Jerry has a heart attack and uncontrollably farts at the same time. If I recall correctly, Tom is the first one to demand a doctor call it a Fart Attack and I’ve never wished to witness this incident more. Mark my words, I will be 90 years old and still giggle like a child when I hear the word fart. Not sorry bout it.

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4. ‘Tails. Most people shorten details to deets, but Tom went with ‘tails because it showed innovation. It really doesn’t hurt to switch things up but I might have a hard time catching onto this one. A couple years ago I picked up the phrase “fuzzy on the deets” from Barstool to describe my drunken haze and I feel like tossing “Fuzzy on the ‘tails” doesn’t roll of the tongue quite as nicely. We’ll work on this one.

Brush Yo Shoulders Off

5. Treat Yo’ Self! A Tom and Donna combo creation, this is more like a necessary tradition rather than just a phrase, but can obviously be snuck into every day convo as well. For a day every year they treat themselves to lavish gifts and spa treatments and scream TREAT YO’ SELF a lot. I too have decided to do this every time I make an obnoxious purchase on my dirt low income and you know what? It makes me feel like a G-D Queen.

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BONUS: Food Abbrevs- Zerts, Hot Choccy, Sandoozles. I’m especially fond of Hot Choccy since two of my friends went through a tough phase of calling Hot Chocolate “Hot Cho Cho” and making me want to rip my ears clean off my head. I’ll have to introduce them to the land of the Hot Choccy. Zerts for Desserts and Sandoozles instead of sandwiches just SOUND cooler…and that’s all that really matters in life. To sound as swagalicious as Tommy Fresh.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “What I Cannot Change”

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It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for…Juliette’s back from post-partum rehab (fictionally and IRL) and she’s here to STAY. Maybe? Upon her homecoming she is offered a part in a Spielberg movie that films in Prague. Yeah, ok. Subpar country singer who’s known for being a real diva then disappears for two months gets offered a highly coveted Hollywood role. Yup, this adds up. Also let’s not gloss over this hot PR person she’s hired to cover up her vizzy to rehab. I suspect there will be more with him later and then he’ll disappear like every other new character. (Ahem, Vita.) Juliette sees Avery for the first time since ignoring her daughter’s trip to the hospital in favor of booze and pills and immediately asks for more time with their infant child that she used to hate with the fire of a thousand suns. Then she serenades Cadence with an original ditty (did she take voice lessons in rehab?) and Avery caves. She comes clean to the press, drops out of the movie and is rewarded with more tummy time with Cadence. Not for nothing, but she looks like a bangpiece at that press conference. Apparently rehab was good to her because the side braid, red lips and flower dress were killin it.

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Someone who’s not so much killin it is Frankie, the sober bar owner that we’re supposed to care about and yet I can’t even muster up an aww when he “celebrates” his 15 years sober while probably drunk. (Due to being a jelly belly of Deacon.) He’s grumpy and he mumbles everything he says so I have a hard time sympathizing, but boy did I love it when he told Deacon, “You erased me the second you hung that sign out there with your dead sister’s name on it.” DON’T SPEAK ILL OF BEVERLY AROUND DEACON OR HE’LL INTRODUCE HIS FISTS TO YOUR FACE, BOY. JK they make up and Deacon admits that he’s been acting like a real Johnny-come-lately douchearoni to Frankie’s bar. Frankie is reminded to take his sobriety like I must take his unwanted storyline on this show, one day at a time.

Meanwhile, Colt calls Luke and is like, “hey long time no chat, can you sign a waiver so I can join the army? Kthxbyeeeee.” Luke drives out to the country to tell him no and Colt’s like whatevs I’ll do it when I turn 18 in a couple months anyway. Hey Colt, if you were months away from being legal, why did you ask your dad to sign the waiver in the first place? Be dumber. Luke tries to talk some sense into Colt about how terrifying it is to be overseas and be near an IED explosion and sassy Colt fires back with “Granddad said you were on a VIP convoy” LoLz. Shh, Luke. You’re coming off real stupid right now. But then, miraculously, it turns into a teaching moment. Colt enlists and Luke learns not to be afraid of the gays, so he signs Will again and apologizes for dropping him like a hot potato.

Rayna is trying to sell the new and improved Layla and she does that thing where they name drop to give viewers a wink wink nudge nudge and then decide on a fictional character to take Layla on tour instead. For example, OH DID YOU HEAR BACK FROM LADY A?! Yeah you’re right Bucky; Autumn Chase would be better suited for Layla. *Mostly because she doesn’t exist in real life country music. I’m also not loving the fact that they cast my most hated Hallmark holiday movie actress as the latest made up country star with a dumb name.

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At her showcase, Layla plays a lame song that everyone nods their heads right off to and the show ends with Rayna plugging her merch table. Snatch up those t-shirts ya’ll, you never know when someone might pity Layla and take her on tour, so you best be ready with 100% cotton! In another revelation that made me hate Autumn, she greets Layla with “Hey Gal.” Bye Gal. Naturally she watches the Exes play at the Bluebird, sees that they’re 1000x better than Layla’s guitar solo that’s comparable to Nick Jonas’ at the ACM’s and picks the duo to open up for her on tour. Saaarrryy Layla. Avery’s busy being superdad and orchestrating a mother/daughter reunion to answer her sobbing call. Oh, and also Vita’s still missing without a trace and FiNgeRz CroSsEd she’s never found. On the other hand, wouldn’t protest to a lot more Riff…or sex. I feel like no one on this show has gotten laid in a century. Might make their music better, jus sayin.

 

 

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Goodbye Dubai”

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It ain’t a trip until it lasts half a season, but of course. The lassies are still in Dubai, enjoying themselves thoroughly. And by enjoying themselves I mean holding grudges and having dinner fights. The gang is actually happiest when they’re being driven around a shopping mall in golf carts, because rich people cannot be bothered to walk from store to store. Kathryn gives Kyle a harsh reality check that cat eye sunnies maybe aren’t her cup of tea when she shouts “YOU LOOK HORRIBLE.” I think it’s safe to say that Kathryn is the shopping buddy every girl deserves, but not necessarily the one that we want.

Next on the agenda after going to a generic American mall set in a foreign country, is to take in the sights of said foreign country. So they check out the indoor ice skating rink. JUST KITTEN. The gals hit up the Burj Khalifa, which is the tallest building in the world. Olga, the tour guide slash receptionist at the ole Burj did that thing I hate by saying, “Hello, how are you” and the girls reply, “Good. How are you?” and she replies, “Well. How are you?” EVERYONE IS GOOD—or WELL IF WE’RE BEING PROPER ENGLISH SPEAKING DICKS, LET’S MOVE ON, OLGA. Legit fear, sometimes when this happens to me I don’t know if I’ll ever get out of the how are you cycle until I say, “Well.” It’s a real fear. Anyway, Eileen gets a pair of sweaty dogs because she’s nervous and doesn’t want to be up that high. Kyle is afraid of heights but miraculously recovers from her panic attack real quick for an observation deck selfie. Post photo-op, Lisa apologizes for like the 100th time to Eileen 2,000 feet in the air, because clearly Eileen and her soaked with sweat hooves are feeling self-conscious so it’s time for Lisa to swoop in. The apology, like all of the others is as fake as Kylie Jenner’s pout, right down to the evidence of Lisa running her lines with Kyle the night before.

Back in BH, Kim, Brandi and Yo have a juice and salmon filled picnic *with cloth napkins* while the mice are still away. Brandi wears probably the most hideous hat I’ve seen on this show, and that’s saying a lot since we had to see Eileen in a bucket hat last season. She also rocks a graphic tee that says, “It’s not fun to be sober.” I’m sure she’s wearing it in support of Kim because sobriety is for WIENERS. Apparently this is a nice segue into Brandi’s new venture into the t-shirt biz as she gifts Kim with a tee that says “Medicated” and Yolanda a tee that says “Sick”. When the chips are down, all you really need is an iron, letters and some cotton tees, I guess. You do you, Brandi. And every other recent male college grad in the Malibu area. What a gang these three are; the Medicated, the Sickling, and the Anti-Sober One. Sincerely yours, The Beverly Hills Club.

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In stark contrast from a picnic lunch where everyone wah-wahs about their lives, let’s check in on someone who can afford to fly her glam squad out for a vacation. Even though that’s still a real douchey move, I respect the fact that Erika shares her makeup crew with Kathryn for her birthday. This probably was her real prezzie—not the paperweight that cost 50 cents. Mikey and his boys, the perpetrators of a made-up term of endearment “hunty” (honey+cunty, OBV. EYE ROLL.) coach Kathryn into using the word “cunty” once and for all. Nothing gets a woman to cave faster than the person who has complete control of how her face looks on her b-day and roughly 10 minutes later, Kathryn is basically shouting cunty from the rooftops.

On a luxurious yacht, Kathryn’s mom calls her to wish her a happy birthday and like half the ladies start sobbing. Both Rinna and Eileen’s moms don’t remember who they are. So that’s some real depressing shit. I considered taking these women seriously for a millisecond during this human moment but then when Eileen spun a conversation about Alzheimer’s back to Lisa, the feeling went away just as fast as it had appeared. The Munchausen’s fight fires right back up again at dinner and that’s when I checked out and started googling shoes I deserve to own this spring and wondering if the Wilton Mall offers a golf cart service to get me from Forever 21 to Francesca’s. And I’m NOT talking about those furry animal rides kids pay a quarter to ride around the mall like it’s an amusement park. Although I wouldn’t hate taking one of those for a spin either.

Anyway, everyone leaves the table once Lisa and Kyle start fighting but not really fighting because they’re besties who I guess lie for each other. The camera crew captures a really special mind fuckery between the two where Kyle compares their relationship to an abusive one, as best friends tend to do (wtf?). Tensions are high, Kathryn gets snippy with Eileen and I’m surprised no one throws a proper temper tantrum and screams GET ME OFF THIS BOAT. Instead the rest of the women eavesdrop until Kyle tells Lisa to “eat her fucking chicken and be quiet” then tries to pretend they all didn’t just ruin Kathryn’s birthday by giving her a birthday cake. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATHRYN! 51 WOOHOO! YOU DON’T LOOK A DAY OVER 50 AND ALSO LET’S PRETEND THAT WE DIDN’T SPEND THE DAY OF YOUR BIRTH AND THE 6 VACATION DAYS BEFORE IT FIGHTING IN PUBLIC. MAKE A WISH, GIIRRRLLLL! Kathryn wishes for an early flight home, by herself. Probably.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “If I Could Do It All Again”

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As if it wasn’t enough that Vita and Riff were tossed into the Nashville mix last week, get yourself ready for a one episode appearance of Sienna. COME ON WITH THESE NAMES. Sienna is a single mommy who salivates over Avery at the park and they go on a date and make out a little bit. Everything’s fine and dandy until Avery spends their entire second date yip yapping about Juliette. I guess that’s a turn-off for Sienna so she’s out. She’ll go back to gossiping about how hawt Avery is with the other playground mommies and maybe toss in some deets about their mack sesh to make the others jelly.

Kind of like Layla, who could not BE more jelly of Avery dating someone. Cause she just thinks he’s like SUPER smart and SUPER creative. So obviously that means they should bang so she can get back at Juliette for killing her boyfriend or whatever. You know, normal stuff. She’s grinning from ear to ear when she finds out that it didn’t work out with Avery and his park biddy, so that’s still a thing that’s going to happen, I guess.

Our new shady friend Vita claims to Rayna that she would never steal, so we all Gucci. She’s definitely not shady at all because Rayna’s gullible AF. Don’t worry though because Frankie shouts at her later and she’s like yah I totes stole it but I was gonna pay it back I swear. Rayna has to let Vita go and then in attempts to create more drama surrounding this weird addition to the show, there’s an altercation at her car/home later! WHAT WILL HAPPEN WITH VITA? DO WE CARE? No.

The Colt and Maddie teen love saga also continues this week when Colt shows up with flowers because his Granddad says actions speak louder than words. If that’s the case, Maddie then hopping in the car with Cash and then bringing Colt as a third wheel to the Bluebird should speak volumes. While the three of them eat dinner, Colt’s like being a famous singer is for lames, my Granddad fought in Vietnam and he’s my hero. Maddie and Cash are like, but did your granddad get hits on his YouTube vid orrr? Turns out Maddie’s new bestie is a REAL c-block. She sings a song Maddie wrote about Colt getting all up in her pants, then says they have plans like forever so Maddie and Colt can’t hang & bang. They find some time anyway, to break up, but don’t worry because Cash is there to comfort Maddie (lesbehonest) and the army is there to comfort Colt, so he can be just like Granddad.

And for a quick update on my new fave DILF, Riff, it turns out one can’t just walk back onstage fifteen years later and crush it. Probably shouldn’t have hyped his return up so much, Luke. Riff’s a real dick about it and peels out to go to his kid’s soccer game. WHAT a badass. But finally, he can admit that he’s sucktown and ask for some training. He slays live because it’s super realistic for someone to learn vocals and guitar for a full set in mere hours. In other things I don’t really care about, Frankie’s real jealz that Deacon gets more attention and credit for The Beverly so when Riff calls Deacon up onstage, Frankie dramatically goes into the back room and hits the booze. Bye, bye Beverly!

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Dubai Daze”

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THUG LYFE.

We’re still in Dubai and the women still find it necessary to wear swimsuit cover-ups as dresses to every activity on the trip. For example, Kyle appropriately wears a floor length chiffon gown with stilettos to meet a G-D sea lion. Then follows that up with a designer bikini under her wetsuit. Lisa basically orgasms when the sea lion smooches her. Someone needs to check on her love for animals and make sure it doesn’t turn sexual at some point. Because that seemed like it should’ve been a private moment. Also calling the sea lion sexy didn’t help her case.

Eileen didn’t need to attend this sea lion escapade because if she wants to say hi to one all she has to do is look out her suite window. She might also find a peeping diver swimming around down there. I’m guessing that’s why the underwater suite costs a little extra.

After everyone couples off for the day, for some reason we were forced to look through the bubbles at Kathryn’s feet soaking in a hot tub for like a full 20 seconds. Did the cameraman fall asleep too? At least they feel our pain.

In efforts to liven this trip up, Eileen calls out Rinna for being such a pussy by only talking behind people’s backs and never confronting them, really. During this honest conversation, they wear both wear the same hideous caftan accompanied by 500 lb earrings. Modesty is not an option in Dubai, apparently. And neither is a drama-free trip after Eileen spins the crazy wheel in Rinna’s head and gets her going.

Finally, the ladies all gather to let those muumuus flow in the desert breeze. They even add doo-rags to the mix. Oh, sorry, I mean turbans. A blindfolded falcon puts on a show, and by that I mean he eats a piece of meat. Really he’s just there to be caressed by Lisa (in an intimate way) and pose with the ladies for a desert sunset insta. Erika sees enough falcons in downtown LA eating dead pigeons off the pavement so she’s hashtag over it.

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Kyle gets a henna tat and asks for the Chinese symbol for hope or a butterfly above her ass or something. The ladies take a drink without asking what it is because they’ve obviously never been to a frat party in their life and it turns out it’s camel milk, at which they are horrified. HOW COULD THEY DRINK MILK FROM A CAMEL’S BOOB?! Should we tell them now where regular milk comes from or let them learn on their own? Let’s keep it quiet for now, it’ll be more fun that way. They are then told that camel meat is for dinner, which is a real stretch considering the circumstances. They were disgusted enough by the milk, don’t push your luck Dubai. Rinna starts some shit with Erika because she’s too scared to start some shit with Lisa in front of the group. The hired help of Dubai sense the moment of tension and feel like it’s probably the right time to start offering up that peace pipe. Eileen’s like gimme a drag, or whatever you foreign people say about this contraption and then acts like she’s tripping on acid. It’s WAY better than when they all fought over the space cake in Amsterdam.

When they go to the market the next day, Eileen turns out to be a champ at bargaining, which is a refreshing change of pace from the $40,000 a night hotel suite. Kathryn tries yet another muumuu on with a roach in it and is like hmm I think I’ll pass. JK she screeches and says with her eyes to the store clerk, “get me out of this dirt country.” And Erika gives Kathryn a chotsky for her birthday. It’s quite literally a desk ornament that could not have been more than 50 cents. And THAT’S what you get for being a narc, Kathryn.

And then in unfortunate Housewives vacay fashion, the rest of the episode is dedicated to played out drama that if we’re being honest I’m too exhausted to continue following or trying to make sense of it. It’s still about Yolanda and that mother F’ing Munchausen’s bullshit but this time it’s about Lisa and her big Charlotte’s Web? I don’t really know. All I know is that if Rinna brings this up for one more episode, I’ll start recapping Erika Jayne music videos instead of this show. And that’s not an empty threat.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “How Does It Feel To Be Free”

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Rayna and Deacon are supposedly country royalty, with I would assume quite a large net worth (more than Luke Wheeler, heyyooo) and yet they still didn’t honeymoon after their top-secret barn wedding? What kind of bullshit is this? These two couldn’t jet away from the paps and their whiny daughters for a couple of weeks in St. Barts? Nope, it’s just back to work for these two, which means taking down chairs at The Beverly for Deacon and sniffing out new weirdos to sign to her label for Rayna. Enter: new character Vita who has a unique voice and a criminal background. Deyna believes in her but they’re not THAT powerful because this sketchball ends up scooping some cashiche from the till after her first waitressing shift. Oopsie, not every shy woman is the next Sadie Stone..oh wait…she shot her husband. So maybe Vita IS the next Sadie Stone. Bonus points for originality.

While we’re on the topic of poverty, let’s talk about how Forbes dedicated a whole cover to how poor Luke is. WHEELS DOWN. Luke literally goes on a radio show to talk about his embezzlement. So that’s a new thing. Usually artists do interviews for promo press, Luke apparently does interviews so that a bunch of haters can call in to shout about how much he sucks. In order to sell tix again, Luke tries to spring Juliette out of rehab and plop her right back on tour away from her baby. Good call, Luke. Thankfully Juliette’s on lockdown and his plan doesn’t pan out. He runs into his ole pal from the road named Riff, yes that’s right, a DILF named Riff. TWO new characters—and weird names to learn in one episode!!! Whatever did we do to deserve this!? Riff remembers how down to earth Luke is and doesn’t think he’s a giant moron for not noticing the embezzlement of millions of dollas. Luke convinces Riff to hit the road with him and sorpresa—it’s about to be a family tour! Except Luke’s kids hate him, minor detail.

One of those kids, (weren’t there three at one point? Now we’ve whittled it down to 2 children he never sees) Colt would rather be a ranch hand than hear what Maddie ate that day via telephone. Although it may be easy to take Colt’s side on this because Maddie is preeeettty insufferable, the truth is finally set free about their pre-show fornication. Maddie confirms that they did the deed and now she’s sad because he’d rather shovel manure than do her. Cash(?), her writing pal, tells her to channel all those feels into a song and makes Maddie believe she’s an adult, which is pretty laughable. Sw33t harmonies though, until Daphne peers through the window with those sad left out eyes. Something tells me the Conrad sisters record deal ain’t gonn’ happen. Props to Maddie for dialing up Colt before it’s time to feed the pigs the slop, and demanding a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Someone who finally bucks up and gets the respect of Nashville is ya boy, Will. After taking a beer bottle to the schnozz from a hick who doesn’t LOVE gays, Will refuses to give a statement so the guy can be convicted of a hate crime. Instead, Will maturely uses his stage time to fight back. The next night, he buys the homophobe a drink and tells him AIN’T NOBODY GONNA STOP ME FROM SINGIN LIKE A BIRD! You get down with your bad self, Will. Sing it! Also, maybs ice your face a little more.

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Also, Avery and Juliette are officially D-town after he bullies her to make a public statement (without seeing her, because she’s supes fragile after being responsible for a death, and stuff.) The Layla pursuing Avery storyline progresses just as we expected and I hate it. They’ll be hooking up in 2 weeks time. What a devious twat that Layla is. Also, Scarlett catches roadie hoe Erin macking on some other dude and immediately tattles to Gunnar. He’s not really jelly about it so he cuts her loose and the Scarlett/Gunnar will they/won’t they dance continues, until this show gets cancelled. New twist: Scarlett dating the taxidermy creep. Oh, what crazy shenanigans these two get into. LAUUGHHHH!

 

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Lymes in the Sand”

 

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I’d like to toss it into the suggestion box that I would never ever like to see a full 10 minutes of women packing for a trip ever again. Once you’ve seen them pack for one, you’ve seen them pack for every trip they could ever take. They’re rich and they have a lot of outfit options and unlimited amounts of money to check 100 bags. Their husbands watch them pack because they have nothing better to do and the women sneak new purchases by them. I’M OVER IT.

Anyway, before I’m forced to relive my least favorite pre-trip chore six times over, some of the ladies are still in NYC for Yolanda’s Lyme event. What’s important to note about this event is that not only has Joe Jonas attended with his then girlfriend, Gigi, but he also gets his own lower third without even having to speak. (AS IF NO ONE KNOWS WHO HE IS) Too bad he’s not GiGi’s boyf anymore. Bravo execs are already salivating at the chance to work Zayn into an episode for next season.

At the Global Lyme Alliance gala, one speaker references the hardest part of Lyme as having to prove to her friends that she was sick. Kyle aptly hides behind her napkin. She feels guilty the whole night and tries to pin everything on Rinna. Kyle’s like oopsie now that I’ve been educated I probably should’ve stopped all the gossip. LoLz.

Lisa couldn’t attend the NYC trip because she had to fly to London to renew her passport. Hey Lisa, you’ve been in the US how long? Just become a citizen. Does it really make the most sense to fly to another country just to update your travel docs? It makes about as much sense as Lisa gifting Max with something “so small” for his hard work as a food runner. Apparently Jeep Wranglers are microscopic nowadays.

After appropriately packing (or deciding to fly their 3 man glam squad on vacation with them) the ladies arrive in Dubai. Their “suite” in Dubai is basically a mansion and Bravo doesn’t miss a beat to tell us that it’s $40,000 a night. Eileen gets an underwater suite, Lisa/Kyle and Erika/Kathryn each have to share but I don’t want to hear a peep of complaint from these hussies because they can’t even find each other in their monstrous residences. In attempts to blend with the culture (I think?) all the ladies wear muumuus to dinner. Sorry, not all the ladies, Kathryn is wearing a signature Beverly Hills leopard dress. Gawd, KATHRYN, adapt to your vacation surroundings! Kyle comes through in the clutch and gives everyone matching loud muumuus so that Kathryn can get to stepping and change into her loose fitting caftan to match the group. There’s literally nothing like seeing an array of bright robes sitting on the ground eating hummus. These ladies are so one with Dubai that I forgot for a quick second that they’re actually the worst. They reminded me quickly, when they spent the whole snack time rehashing Yolanda’s Munchausen’s drama and Lisa’s web-spinning ways. Cheers to friendship.

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While everyone bonds over the newfound breeze they’re getting to their hoo-ha via their muumuu’s, Yolanda is moving out of her infamous Malibu home. Brandi visits because all the women who hate her are across the world, so it’s safe. She talks a lot of trash about Rinna and her wigs, wears a gold lame top in her confessional, and drops 100 F bombs. Good to see you haven’t changed a bit, Brandi. Now please go away again. Foreva.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Forever and For Always”

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Real talk, this could’ve been the series finale. (I wish it were.) There’s no better and more perfect ending than the long-awaited country wedding for Deacon and Rayna. Four years in the making, the wedding was not without a liiiiittle drama but in the end everything was adorbsicles.

All smooching drama with Markus Keen is long forgotten as the past month has been SUCH a whirlwind for Rayna planning her wedding and doing his press tour. Ray, don’t act like you can’t afford the world’s best wedding planner. I’m assuming that’s who this random bitch is who shows up 10 minutes into the episode to interrupt Daphne and Maddie singing? Seriously, the little angels are onstage dedicating a new song to Deacon and Rayna and everyone on God’s green earth finds this as an opportune time to chitchat with the couple. Maddie continues to rub it in Daphne’s face that HER dad isn’t rotting in jail for some money laundering and hooker timez. This doesn’t sit well with Daphne, I guess because she stops singing. After the rehearsal dinner, the paparazzi ask Maddie which dad she likes better and Deacon decks him. Then our new random character that plans weddings slash does PR (?) for Rayna announces that the paps have learned her wedding location and so now they have to get married in a barn and take a lot of decoy rides to this top secret location. Ugh, the lives of the rich and famous.

Also, hey, Tandy’s back, ya’ll! PS she still hates Deacon and she’s spreading that hate through the Conrad family like wildfire. After the paps incident, Maddie’s questioning whether Deacon is a rage-aholic as well as an alcoholic cause she’s not dramats or anything. And Daphne pulls the ole cough cough I’m sick, like no one is going to question her missing her own mother’s wedding. This obviously causes Deacon to freak out like a baby betch and peace right outta there. BYYYEEEE DEACON, HOPE YOU FIND YOUR BAAALLLLSSS!!

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At the wedding of the century, we have a couple of comebacks. Layla’s back. She left town because her boyfriend died saving Juliette from a drunken suicide. Remembs? Bucky throws a generic “it gets better” toward her. Real supportive stuff. Colt is also back (without his poor AF dad) and wastes no time scrambling over to Layla and revealing the truth. She promptly boots and then devises a sneaky plan to get back at Juliette because how else would you get over your shitty boyfriend’s death?

The ragtag gang of Will, Avery, Scarlett and Gunnar successfully make Rayna’s wedding all about themselves. Will is being blacklisted by the closeted gay Wade Cole and doesn’t want to attend such a high profile wedding and have to talk about his life, so he sits this one out. Avery should have sat this one out because apparently Nashville is a place where semi-famous people and other country singers think that it’s appropriate to ask Avery no less than 1 million personal questions about Juliette, who he has to keep lying about. Seriously, I don’t buy it that anyone would be this interested in his life. What a bunch of asshole friends Rayna has. And of course, Gunnar vows to be Scarlett’s wingman and sucks at it, much like he sucks at picking women. Apparently he’s still “dating” roadie ho Erin? Scarlett’s like wah all these guys are terrible and ends up swaying in Gunnar’s arms because OF COURSE.

The three drama Q’s who are trying to sabotage Rayna’s wedding all change their tune when Rayna’s like hey guess what I’m marrying Deacon so ya’ll can GTFO if you can’t be Team Deyna. Jk she only does that to Tandy—to the girls she’s a little more sensitive, which they don’t deserve for being such turds and causing their mom stress on her wedding day.

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Meanwhile, Deacon’s chilling with dead Bev. This seemed like the perfect time for ghost Bev to make a comeback and roll her eyes at the premise of Deacon marrying Rayna but alas, I think we’ve finally seen the last of ghost Bev. Instead, Frankie tails Deacon and tells him to haul ass back to his wedding and stop being such a chump.

Finally, the moment has arrived and Deacon makes it back just in the nick of time to not look like a total d-bag. Scarlett & Gunnar’s “When the right one comes along” plays over the wedding montage of some real sappies. First thing’s first, let’s address Rayna’s wedding look. The dress is great; I have no problems with the dress. I do have a problem with tying her famous loose waves to one side and tossing a weird bun pinned in the back. What is happening there? LET IT FLOW, RAYNA. Don’t mess with it!!! Anyway, the vows are lovely (we get it, LONG time coming) and there’s no mention of Deacon almost killing his bride to be, so that’s nice! The kiss and dip was a real SWOOON and even better is when Deacon slow dances with his girls to make sure they don’t hate him anymore. This fam couldn’t have been happier than if they were sangin’ “A Life That’s Good”.

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Sidebar: not everyone’s happy because apparently the honeymoon’s over for Colt and Maddie now that he’s like REAL into his farm chores and BFF Granddad now. It was fun while it lasted I guess, but Colt can’t live the bad boy life foreva. He’s seen some shit. Also Avery leaves the wedding abruptly in tears. So things are a little dicey on his end.

For the grand romantic finale, Deacon carries Rayna over the country house threshold, serenades her with a slow ditty and then they bang it out right there on the couch. HUZZAH!

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Hearing Is Believing”

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“Something is not being honest with Yolanda”-Rinna the Prophet

I missed the first 10 minutes of last night’s episode and I’m praying that I didn’t miss that little slice Camille making out with another third cousin royal like she did during her last season party appearance. I guessed that she’s holding some sort of charity dinner? I can only assume this from the jewelry Kyle is dropping mad dough on and the way that the rest of the coven is using this time to attack each other some more about their dumb drawn out fights.

Hey Rinna, in case you think I’m being subtle, I’m talking directly about you. Rinna still hates Yolanda with the fire of the hot sand she sat upon one week ago bitching about how fake Yo’s life is and weaving a very Mafioso web of lies about who started what. Rinna would like Yolanda to know that she’s not kosher with the pic that was posted of Yo, Kim and Brandi lunching. Yo is like k whatever, MYOB. There’s an actual point in the fight where Rinna is referring to #RealFriends (no really, A HASHTAG) like she’s writing a term paper and looking for an APA citation to support her claim that Yolanda is fake. Yolanda didn’t even post the picture so ya better check your bibliography, Rinna.

In this week’s, let’s balance out being assholes with a charitable activity, Lisa plans a march to stop Yulin, aka a Chinese annual event dedicated to assaulting dogs like nobody’s biz. It’s a cause that’s very close to her heart and her and Ken have planned this gathering for months. I’m embarrassed that Lisa made it sound that hard because what a shitty march it was. No one really knew where they were going, they had a police escort (soft, much?) and a couple people shouted “Stop Yulin Forever” a few times before retiring to Pump with their fearless leader for an icy glass of rose. Yulin is so dunzo. Mission accomplished.

Lisa Vanderpump Along With StopYulinForever Supporters March To End Dog Cruelty In Yulin, China

The women fight more about Lisa being “manipulative” and we get a gratuitous flashback to Rinna telling Kim she loved her…in Amsterdam…the day after the wine glass hulk-smashing. I don’t know how this is related to anything that was being discussed but I would like to formally tell the producers to knock it the F off with the same 3 Amsterdam flashbacks. Let’s bury Amsterdam forever, along with the “YOU STOLE MY HOUSE” clip. K?

Dubai appears to be happening because Kyle wants to go SO BAD and Kyle gets what she wants. Although, to be honest, I doubt she wants a trip with these people she’s paid to be friends with who fight every time they get a glass of vino coursing through their veins. On a private plane to NYC for Yolanda’s Lyme event (?) Kathryn is forced to apologize to Tom for being a real dick and she doesn’t really. They just hug awkwardly. What Kathryn should apologize for is the black tight skirt she wore to Lisa’s house earlier that was covered in sunflowers and probably directly from 1992. If only it was a baby doll dress.

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Rinna and Eileen can’t attend Yolanda’s thing because they have to go to the luggage store and gossip. Who chooses these locations? Sit on a couch in the privacy of your home to hypothesize that Lisa really is the Fredo Corleone of the group. (This comparison will fall flat with the majority of housewives fans.) At least Eileen can still get me to laugh with the very self-aware, “I’m gonna spend thousands of dollars on new luggage so Kathryn likes me!”

Back in NYC, the girls party in the Jewel suite. They have no idea what this means. It’s essentially a very expensive hotel room with jewels randomly placed in glass cases and in the walls.

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Yolanda is feeling well enough to slap on a pair of sexy heeled boots and kick it with her friends. She goes to play a ditty on the piano and David insults her and tries to steal the spotlight because he’s insufferable. He continues to be the WORST when she makes a toast to him thanking him for his support and love and he goes, “We’re gonna make lemonade out of lemons,” immediately followed by, “Girls, get in the Jacuzzi.” So poetic. So David. Then he bitches to his friend *too* close to a mic that he hates his marriage basically. Kick rocks, David. Go play the piano by yourself in the Jewel suite and think about what you’ve done.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor-Jamaican Me Love You

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In the MOST DRAMATIC three hours this quarter, Chris Harrison butts in at the end of commercial breaks to say something like “watch what happens next” and to remind us ad nauseum that Ben LOVES two girls. Seriously Chris, what a demotion to go from announcing the last rose to instructing people to watch the show we’re already watching. What an embarrassing life you lead. JK there’s nothing embarrassing about how rich Chris is. We’re also introduced at the top of the three-hour block to Ben’s pastor—who is on call because he’s not really that busy. He flew out to LA to pretend to read a bible on camera and basically have no expression whatsoever. Get this guy an agent, STAT! Anyway, TAKE US TO JAMAICA, CHRIS.

In Jamaica, at the Sandals resort, Lauren continues her vendetta against her vagina as she suffocates it in another pair of jean undies. Let it breathe, girl! She takes my advice when she goes to meet Ben’s parents, thank gawd. That would NOT have been comfy to keep digging your denim out of your lady bits while convincing the boyfriend’s parents that you make mature decisions. Lauren earns strike 1 when she greets Ben by calling him cutie. Like what one calls a small child. Yuck. Strike 2 is when she reminds us of her suuuper awkward first date with Ben where she said she wanted to meet his parents. She tells the Mr. and Mrs. that she’s been waiting a LONG time for this moment. (2-3 weeks) Mama and Papa Higgins eat this shit right up though because cut to Mama Higgs holding hands with Lauren. (Remembs when leftover twin met the parents, LoL) Lauren tells Ben that marriage is a big commitment for her—and I’m guessing not just a gimmick for ratings on a poorly produced after-show. ZING, Pastor Denny. They both agree that they’ve never really faced real-life problems, so they can’t wait to get married tomorrow. Recipe for a Neil Lane ring return if ya know what I mean.

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JoJo meets the parents Higgins next and they don’t really think anyone could compete with perfect Lauren. Case in point, Ben tells them in detail about times he’ll never forget, like when they boned “cuddled for a while”. JoJo is like hey Ben; let’s not tell your parents about our sexy times, I’m trying to get them to like me. Seriously, Ben what don’t you tell your parents? JoJo tears up with Mr. Higgins talking about how much she loves Ben. Then when she tells Mama Higgs Ben loves her, the resulting reaction all but blows Ben’s cover. Mama ain’t so stealth. She also holds JoJo’s hand… but not as much as Lauren’s.

Ben breaks it down with his parents after and they basically tell him Godspeed. Props to Mr. Higgins for using every variation of girl an old man could use. “Young lady” and “gal” amongst others.

On the final day of dates, Ben has the same conversation with two girls and ABC tries to trick us into thinking they have enough original content to fill up two hours of programming. Spoiler alert: they don’t. Ben and Lauren lay on boat hammocks then move to the beach that they are docked 1 foot from to whine more about their first world problems. Ben is afraid that their relationship is TOO perfect. Ugh, h8 when that happens. Later at “dinner”, Lauren wears a nice black evening gown and Ben wears a hoodie. Quick preview into the rest of your life, Lauren. You look great, she tells him, because she’s obligated to return the compliment he just gave her. They sigh a lot and cry because I don’t know if you’ve heard this or not but BEN LOVES TWO GIRLS AND HE’S SO CONFLICTED.

On JoJo’s last date, she gets a recycled waterfall scenery for her relationship turmoil and self-doubt with Ben. Since when does Jamaica drive on the opposite side of the road like the UK? Is this a new thing? Am I really dumb? Don’t answer that. Jamaica is also a place where strange men chase after your car just to say hello. Yeahhhhh…..righhhhttt. JoJo and Ben talk about how hilarious Ben’s parents are. Did I miss something? Were they like ha-ha funny, JoJo, or taking a bottle of wine to the dome funny? Jk that was your mom, the queen of diffusing uncomfy situations like a boss. Anyway, BoJo (wouldn’t it be fun if this was their couple name?) waterfall jumps again. Ben doesn’t land on top of JoJo in the water and therefore it’s boring. Later, JoJo is starting to catch on that Ben loves Lauren, I’m assuming after Mama Higgins basically slipped her a tape of Ben telling Lauren he loves her when they chatted earlier. Ben reassures JoJo that he loves her and nothing is wrong, even going so far as to sit on the bathroom floor with her in a luxury suite of a resort. THAT’S COMMITMENT. JoJo feels like a damn fool and Ben’s like I feel you, boo. Props for JoJo for calling him out. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE BEN, YOU BIG LIAR WHO TELLS LIES. Ben is tormented when he leaves because he just feels soooooo lost.

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The morning of the proposal, Ben meets with Neil, can’t tell him who his future wife is but then 3 seconds later it just comes to him, or something. What doesn’t come to him is a sense of style when he picked out the diamond that will be splashed all over US Weekly covers. Yikes that ring is ugly, no offense Neil. You get paid either way. 90% of Twitter males and females agreed with me, so I’m not out of line by saying this ring kinda sucks.

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While Ben is choosing a goo-riffic ring that’s worth millions of dollars, the girls’ put on their ball gowns and brush their throats with makeup (wtf Lauren?) then get into the chopper. JoJo’s dress is a bad prom getup but at least her overly bronzed cleavage got a lot of camera play. What a boner jam treat for the male viewers.

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Obviously we all knew what was coming when JoJo arrives first, but no one quite predicted how badly Ben would botch this TV breakup. He stumbles and stutters but the one thing that comes out crystal clear is, “I found love with you but I found it with somebody else more.” YIKES. There was definitely a better way to say that, bro. JoJo obviously cries and feels like a dum dum. Ben makes it worse by following her to the limo and sputtering “JoJo, I…JoJo…”

He gets over it real quick though because there were only 5 minutes left and he had to get to stepping to give that ring out. Covered in Jamaican heat sweat, (and possibly an ice pack wedged in his butt crack?), Ben calls Lauren’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage. What a sweaty gent. Lauren definitely shits herself on the copter ride over and hopefully they have a cleanup team on call because nothing ruins a romantic island proposal faster than a gown full of poop.

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They get engaged, Lauren pretends to like the ring and then repeats her infamous “you’re my person” line no less than 10 times and Ben says it back. Enough is enough with this quote. It originated on Grey’s Anatomy for two BFF’s. It does not apply to reality show contestants who have an over under 3-month bet on their relationship lasting.

At the after show, as you might have guessed, Ben and Lauren want to try going on a real life date before they agree to a live surprise wedding, so thanks for coming out Pastor Denny, I’m sure it was really tough for you to creep us all out with your stony face for 3 hours. Also JOJO IS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!!!! HEY, LET’S CUT TO THE PASTOR SO WE CAN SEE HIS REACTION! No, really. That’s a thing they did. Also Ben re-proposes because they didn’t actually get married right there and producers were scrambling to draw out the airtime. Quick, Chris try out your best standup material: “maybe JoJo will fall in love with THREE guys next season. HA-Ha-HA.” And we’re out. For a couple of months, at least.

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Thanks for reading, thanks for making fun of this dumb show with me and special shout out to KBell for taking home the W in my first ever Bachelor bracket. Not proud to admit that I picked Becca to win it all when it was an obvious Lauren sweep. (This definitely doesn’t keep me up at night or anything.) Kay, done being a sore loser. CONGRATS KATIE BELL! You’ve earned bragging rights until the premiere of The Bachelorette, when I come back for revenge. (Too much, too little, just enough?)

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