Pop Culture

Halloween-Hollywood Style

Love or hate Halloween, don’t tell me you’re not on the edge of your seat every year waiting to see what celeb thinks they can get away with blackface. Just me? Whatevs, here’s a random collection of celeb Halloween costumes from this year worst to best:

PS: Celebs having a full team for hair, makeup & wardrobe and mailing it in for Halloween is TOTES BS by the way.

In case you were ever wondering what Halloween is to Nicki, it’s literally just like every other day. Please T it down.

She’s 17.

Katy Perry as a cheeto. Crunchy nonetheless. I gotta go get my Chex Mix costume ready for next year. Bai.

Kim is really tame now, guys, cause I don’t know if you’ve heard, but SHE’S A MOM.

Payment for snagging a Vogue cover this year orrrr just kissing major ass?

Ellen vs. Meredith. Battle of Daytime TV Hosts. THE DRAMA IS SO REAL.

A Cinderella Story flashbacks. Do you think anyone could recognize her? (IT’S HILARY DUFF, GUYS)

1. Shocked she’s not naked. 2. RiRi COMMITTED with the green paint.

Goldie Hawn & Kate Hudson dressed like hoes at the bar. #motherdaughterbonding

Gisele & Tom Brady. Actual question, how can they see?

That caption though.

WHERE IS THE REST OF N*SYNC?!

Yes MJ Blue Ivy, yes. The first time I’ve ever disregarded Beyonce in a picture.

We all know how I feel about kids but North West and Penelope Disick as skunks is adorbsies.

Neil Patrick Harris & fam never disappoint.

Ed Sheeran. This is spot on.

Iggy Azalea as herself.

The Today Show as SNL characters was great, especially since no one had to see Matt Lauer’s junk in women’s clothes.

If you didn’t laugh at this picture I don’t think we can be friends.

We get it Heidi Klum, you win Halloween every year. Do less.

Now wasn’t that better than going through your Facebook feed and mourning the loss of college Halloweekend slop city and/or looking at 1 million baby’s first halloween pictures?

Concert, Country, Music

Falling In Love to the Beat of Brett’s Music: A Concert Review

This one is for my fellow country fans. I went to the Brett Eldredge concert last night and if you follow me on Twitter you saw my aggress live tweeting. It was quite the event. It was Boston’s country radio station’s “Wicked Awesome Monstah Bash”. If you cringed at that name, you certainly wouldn’t have handled the live costume contest that took place on stage halfway through the night. I still have PTSD from it. (People committed HARD to the costume thing.)

The opening act was The Brothers Osborne, who unfortunately due to their country drawls and their tendency to hold the mic too close to their mouths, I didn’t know their name until the end of the concert, when Brett announced it in proper English. Brother 1 entered the stage wearing a blonde curly wig, flower dress, and cowboy boots. Brother 2 was wearing black skinny jeans, an open v shirt just shy of showing nip, a lace short sleeve cardigan, and a long black hair wig. Are these Halloween costumes or were they just trying to tell everyone something? After about half of their set I finally pieced together enough words to figure out that they were dressing up as Little Big Town. Not sure about the execution of that, what I am sure of is that I saw a whole lot of white hairy man thigh that I can’t unsee. On the music review side of things, they were great. Dark hair, nips out brother had an awesome voice and they had more of a rock country sound. Here are a couple of their songs, although their current radio single, “Rum”, wasn’t my favorite.

After cross-dressing Little Big Town finished their set, we had the joy of seeing a bunch of Boston’s radio personalities in costume, stumble awkwardly through a costume contest. During this mess on stage, my friend and I were treated with a hot mess next to us, enjoying her first very real blackout. Standing up against the balcony railing, Drunky McDrunkerson was behind me and felt the need to express her love of life and bottom shelf vodka by screeching in my ear and grinding on me during both performances. I wasn’t into it. When she took a bathroom break and told me to hold her spot, her friend turned to me and goes so what school do you guys go to? I guess I hadn’t realized that we were surrounded by 19 year olds until we turned to the people on our right to make fun of slob kebab and they also inquired about our school. Is it normal when you’re in college to also assume everyone around you is in college or is that a more recent thing? Telling someone that I’m an adult has never been more ironic. The girl asked how old we were and then goes oh, that’s not THAT old. Thanks girl, I was pretty worried that I was nearing a senior citizen discount. At that point my new friend who was trying to round the bases with me via her dancing returned and gave us all the opportunity to take bets on when she would drop her phone over the balcony. Sadly we all lost, although it was touch and go for a minute with her seaweed arms and light grip of the iphone.

FINALLY the main event: Brett and his baby blues arrived onstage in a PG13 Bam Bam costume. I feared another cross dressing incident so this was a welcome surprise. His guitarist took on that role wearing a full, open back gown and wig with tiara. Imagine Seth Rogen dressed as a teenage girl for Jimmy Fallon’s “Ew” skit and that is essentially what we had on our hands. Men having a full beard and dressing like a woman is always an interesting thing. It was okay though, because my eyes stayed on Brett in the event that the toga gave way. Having only one CD, Brett played most of it and of course covered his three singles. Beat of the Music was probably the highlight, but if we’re being honest he performed the shit out of every song. He threw in a few new songs too, which is every concertgoers’ nightmare, but it was okay because Brett was energetic onstage and they were upbeat jams, fun to dance to (or drop it low as my drunk new friend did…on me.) At one point in the night he announced how having one boob out was making him uncomfortable and he kept trying to cover it up. We all told him to please stop covering it up. He listened. Brett knows how to work the ladies and made every panty drop when he serenaded us with “Mean to Me” after declaring that he wanted to dedicate this to a Boston girl. He obviously meant me. (Even though I’m a NY girl, let’s not get hung up on technicalities, people.) Brett closed the night with an Encore medley that was impressive to say the least. Covering every genre and showing off his pipes he did a few country hits, “Your Body Is A Wonderland” by JayMay (underwear slushy), Roxanne & he had also covered “Night Moves” earlier in the show. Overall it was a great concert and I would definitely recommend even casual fans seeing him live. We danced, we sang, and we got to see a couple wearing lobsters on their heads groove to country music. Win, win.

Here’s a National Geographic quality picture that I took of the Brettster:

Nashville, Television

Nashville Recap- “Nobody Said It Was Going to Be Easy”

If any of you still watch Nashville despite the bad story lines, hoping for a glimpse of good music, you’re in luck because I’ve decided to start recapping it weekly so that we can all laugh at it’s silliness together. If you haven’t seen the latest episode, or you’re planning on binge watching Nashville when it inevitably gets cancelled and shuffled to Netflix, all recaps WILL contain spoilers. Can we really call them spoilers if we already predicted they would happen though?

This week’s episode started off showing the rushing of a secretly pregnant Juliette to the hospital. As a quick side note, I’d like you to name ONE show with a pregnant character that doesn’t have the “You could lose the baby” moment. Answer: there are none. In fact there are some shows (I’m looking at you, One Tree Hill) that give every single pregnant character a miscarriage scare. Let’s maybe T it down with the almost killing babies for ratings, network TV. Anyway we later find out that Juliette has a complicated *but only because she’s a touring country superstar* rare blood disease. Naturally everything will be smooth sailing as long as she stops bopping around stage every night. Who would’ve thought?

After all that baby mama drama, we get to the real meat of the show, the CMA’s. This is Nashville, you know. Rayna sits down to watch the noms with her new bestie Sadie Stone. Has anyone else noticed that Rayna turns into a sorority girl when she’s with Sadie? Chill, girl, it’s unbecoming of Nashville’s number 1 star, and a mom of teenagers to have a case of the giggles around Sadie. Obviously Rayna and Luke get the most noms, Rayna’s mock surprise face deserves all of the Oscars. Also props to the writers for throwing in a nom for Taylor Swift two days after she released her first pop album, probably time to let that go. This sparks a little friendly competition between Ruke/Layna/Who Cares because they will obviously not get married. This also sparks some of the thirstiest cross promotion I have ever seen in a show. Were we watching Nashville or Good Morning America…or Dancing with the Stars? We get it ABC, you need more young viewers, please be less aggress about it. Speaking of cross promotion, Sara Evans makes a cameo on Luke’s stage and Luke is demoted to a backup singer. I was ALL for this. The song was great and helped erase my traumatic flashbacks to Luke’s TERRIBLE hillbilly serenade to Rayna a couple weeks ago. First great performance of the night.

The second great performance of the night was Deacon’s. After blondie backup singer (I’m not bothering to learn her name because she’ll be gone soon enough) got sassy with him and asked him to stop being country music’s Oscar the Grouch, he responded by turning a fancy party into a campfire sing-along. I loved the song and it was great to see Deacon end his surly teen phase that he undoubtedly picked up from Maddie. I could’ve absolutely done without blondie backup singer joining in trying to be the next Rayna inspiration. Here’s to hoping Deacon stops slumming it soon and actually gets a storyline besides longing for Rayna.

Speaking of characters with no story lines, let’s talk about Teddy for a second, shall we? Jeff Fordham’s protégé, if you will. Now that Teddy has added a little gel to his hair, he thinks he’s smooth. Bachelor Teddy, as I will call him from now on, should probably learn that chatting up escorts about his daughters is the opposite of smooth. Bachelor Teddy went from trying to be smooth to just giving me all the uncomfies when he made out with the escort poolside and then ended the night exchanging frat bro handshakes with Jeff. Thankfully the call from the cops about Maddie’s rager put a stop to this creepy bromance…for now. No update needed for Maddie, as she is still an insufferable teenager of celebrity parents.

And lastly, there’s Gunnar and the discovery that he’s now a father. REALLY preying on Zoey’s insecurities here aren’t we? Cut to shocked Zoey walking in on a family hug. Zoey and Gunnar are on the rocks because Zoey spies on him constantly so obviously let’s give him a secret child. Fist bump, Nashville writers. Things are about to get real emosh. with Gunnar bringing up his dead brother every 4 seconds, so let’s all mentally prepare for that impending breakdown.

Welp that pretty much sums it up, folks. Oh wait; Scarlett came back to Nashville to befriend a homeless man. Also Will & Layla are in the exact same place they were 6 episodes ago. Okay, that’s REALLY it now. Buckle down for a Nashville-free week coming up. Use your free time to imagine which character Rayna & Teddy’s new nanny will bang. My money’s on a Bachelor Teddy/Nanny tryst.

Pop Culture

#TBT LC’s Hair History

So LC just chopped her hair again. Twice in one week. So bold. But as the queen of Instagram and DIY, I respect all of her decisions (Even Brody Jenner). In honor of her fresh cut and given that today is #TBT, let’s rate all her hairstyles dating back to Laguna, shall we? (The answer to that is yes, we shall.)

Disclaimer: As the creator of The Hills drinking game during my last year of college, this type of analysis is something I get a little too committed to. Probably because I have Laguna and The Hills on DVD. Best investment I’ve ever made.

So here they are from worst to best:

10. The Hills Season 1: Ah, the year of the thick plastic black headband. This is ranked last and I think we all know why. That headband was a nightmare and she paired it with everything. I’m just sayin that if Lisa Love handed me an internship at Teen Vogue, I probably wouldn’t wear a black plastic headband to work every day. That headband should be buried in style history alongside Kristin’s black choker from Laguna. Lauren didn’t go to Paris, because she spent the summer with her boyfriend wearing the same headband every day. (Ugh. Jason.)

9. Laguna Beach: Her Laguna days consisted of beach blonde pin straight hair usually accompanied by a pair of oversized sunglasses perched on top. Ah, to be a California girl. This falls near the worst end of the list because there’s nothing special to it. I’m certainly not going to say mean things about it because let’s all think about what our hair looked like senior year of high school and then imagine that being documented on national TV. At the time this aired, I had just discovered the straightener, but hadn’t quite nailed how to use it yet, resulting in a frizzy half straight half crimped head of hair. Props for knowing how to use a straightener, LC also props for being popular and dating dreamboat Stephen. (Let’s pretend he wasn’t simultaneously dating Kristin, it’s better that way.)

8. Post-Hills: The Neon Pony. I can get down with colored hair from time to time but there is really no explanation needed for why this didn’t work for mah gurl LC. Edgy just doesn’t suit her, her bad boy phase was over…no excuses.

Nailed the cat eye.

7. Post-Hills: Hard bangs. LC went through a hard bang phase more recently. I wouldn’t say they looked bad on her because come on guys, does LC ever look bad? But I’d much prefer a light bang or no bang LC. (Say bang again.)

6. The Hills: Side bangz. I can’t pinpoint when the side bang ended during The Hills because it made it’s comeback so many different seasons. It was strongest in the early seasons but then later on it seemed to reappear. Regardless, it wasn’t great. BUT it was better, in my opinion, than the aforementioned full bangz. The side bang was a weird thing that everyone was into. It was mostly weird because why would you commit to something that’s constantly in one of your eyes. Like did girls pick one eye they didn’t care about seeing out of for their side bang? You can get back to me on that if you indeed side banged it.

Throwing the MOST shade

PARTIALLY blind.

5. Post-Hills: Brunette. Leave it to LC to dye her beachy blonde waves dark brown (I’m assuming this is her natural color, my evidence being season 1 of Laguna roots situation) and look just as good. Kate Middleton anyone? #Royalty

4. Post-Hills: Top bun. Has the top ballerina bun EVER looked this elegant and cool at the same time? Since I’m notorious for letting trends happen, complaining about them and then deciding that I need to try them roughly 3 years later, I did the whole sock bun thing more recently and VERY late. Needless to say I didn’t quite get the hang of it so quickly, I’ll spare you the graphic deets and instead let you bask in LC’s bun glory.

3. The Hills Season 1-3/The rest of her life: Long waves/Mermaid curls. This falls near the top of the list because it has become her somewhat signature look that she kept around up until she chopped. It works for her and makes me envy everyone who can have perfectly styled curls on a regular basis. Add a thick headband in with those curls and end up at the bottom of the list as you will see. (She tried to sneak the headband thing back in during later seasons of The Hills. I noticed.)

Bonus: She reverted to this classic for her wedding and I couldn’t have loved it more.

2.Post-Hills: Ombre. Most gals go from brown to blonde for the ombre trend. LC went from blonde to blonder and damnit do I respect it. It looked great on her and I wish she would’ve debuted it while she was still on The Hills to show Heidi how to go blonder in a subtle and classy way. Ah who are we kidding, Heidi trying to be classy would go EXACTLY like her going to college. (Spoiler alert: she quits after one day.)

1. The Hills-Forever: THE SIDE BRAID. The side braid itself was created circa season 3 of The Hills and was worn in many variations until LC eventually discovered she was bigger and better than the Hills and peaced before it plummeted downhill during seasons 5-6 with Kristin “I Don’t Care That I’m a Bitch” Cavallari at the helm. My all time favorite side braid was when she cut her hair short and wore it straight with the braid. Girl made it look like she got a fresh trim every day of filming (she probably did) and it looked bomb.com–not of course, to discriminate against any other side braid version (there are thousands) because she essentially created the trend. I have a love/hate relationship with this trend. I love it because it’s cool and I’ve wanted to wear it every day since she debuted it. I hate it because I can’t accomplish it without the help of my mother’s magical braiding hands. Can’t live with my mom forever, LC, gawd, be considerate.

She’s thinking about Jen Bunny here.

So now that we’ve covered LC’s hair history. Here’s her new cut (I’m obsessed, obv.):

Feel free to chime in if I missed any! What hair trend will she start next? I guess the rest is still unwritten…

If you didn’t think I was going to force that in here you don’t know me at all.

The iconic single black tear.

Music

Taylor Swift: 1989

As everyone should know very well by now, whether they are a fan or not, Monday October 27th marked Taylor Swift Day. Not the first, and probably not the last, but still a joyous day indeed. Taylor dropped her newest album 1989 and I felt like this would be a fitting time to foray into music reviews. Here’s my take on 1989, track by track. *’ed tracks are my JAMS.

Full Disclosure: There is no All Too Well on this CD. There will never be another All Too Well and excuse me while I go listen to it for the 4000th time and cry softly to myself.

1. Welcome to New York: As an avid H8ER of NYC, this song on message alone bloooows. When I think “Welcome to NY”, I smell street meat mixed with homeless people BO, hear sirens and people shouting for money and see Amanda Bynes wandering aimlessly with bandaids on her face. But of course I’m not Taylor Swift with an endless bank account and supply of fresh crop coordinates to wear upon exiting the gym. So I guess I can understand how we would see NY differently. Putting that aside, not into the sick beat on this one, a little too 13 going on 30 for me.

Honorable mention lyrics: “Kaleidoscope of loud heartbeats under coats” & “Took our broken hearts, put them in a drawer, Everybody here was someone else before”

2. Blank Space*: First ten seconds, gangster Tay? NICE TO MEET YOU. WHERE YOU BEEN? This is 100% one of those songs that if it were to come on I wouldn’t know how to groove to it. It’s way too cool for me. I love it. I feel like this is the sassiest Tay gets on this album and you gotta respect the sass. (PS “They’ll tell you I’m insane” hits a little close to home, huh T?)

Honorable mention lyric: “Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” I mean obviously. The delivery of this paired with a cocky laugh. Oohh kill em, OG T.

3. Style*: Hey do you think this is about Harry? Just wondering. This is a good “I feel like I’m reading seventeen magazine and doing my nails when I bop to this” jam. Also Taylor saying she wears a tight little skirt? HUSSY. I LOVE it. (So did Harry apparently) Burn city. Side note: Harry’s dirty locks are actually starting to go out of style, he should probably consider cleaning that up. Taylor’s red lip and crop coordinates, however, I am not sick of yet so for right now I agree. You so stylish, girl.

Honorable mention lyric: “Take me home. Just take me home” (There’s really no good lyric in this song so I chose this one because I want Harry Styles to just take me home. Also this lyric is a rare glimpse of Taylor not being a cat lady for once.)

4. Out of the Woods*: I think this one has to be my favorite so far. I hated it at first because when it came out I was still jamming so hard to Shake it Off and I wasn’t ready for it. I’m ready now. It’s just the right amount of 80’s sound. More like Breakfast Club, less like 13 Going on 30. Also I like when Tay wails OH I REMEMBER. (Insert goat sound here, internet.) Jk she has much more goaty songs yet to come.

Honorable mention lyric: “The rest of the world was black and white But we were in screaming color”

5. All You Had To Do Was Stay: This is a tough one for me. I like everything about this song except for the “stay” which is essentially the whole song. It’s supes whiny. It kind of sounds like when I would *hypothetically* perform a solo concert in my car and try to hit the high notes in All Too Well. Not gr8. And that’s why I can’t love this song.

Honorable mention lyric (this is difficult…there’s literally 4 lyrics to this song): “But people like me are gone forever when you say goodbye.” YEAH GIRL POWER. Let em walk gurrrrlll.

6. Shake It Off*: The second this song came out I loved it real hard. The downfall of this is that it got me super excited and swept up in the year of new Taylor causing me to immediately and aggressively pre-buy 1989 the next day. Pre-buying a cd is a huge commitment when you don’t know what it will sound like, it’s an even bigger and more embarrassing commitment when you realize it comes with 13 personal polaroids of Taylor and you have to ship it to your sister’s apt because you don’t have an address yet. In retrospect it was too much. I got swept away in Swift hysteria. I know that now. I DO NOT, however, regret playing this song on repeat for the remainder of the summer and long after everyone had already gotten annoyed by it. It’s the 22 of this album, and I’d like to personally thank Taylor for making it all ages. Getting past 22 was a rough spot for me. 23 just isn’t as cool and flirty. Could for sure do without the mid song talking. It gives me all the uncomfies.

Honorable mention lyric: “It’s like I got this music In my mind Saying, “It’s gonna be alright.” CHURCH. (I don’t even know what that means I just heard Scott Disick say it once so I wanted to give it a whirl.)

7. I Wish You Would: This song feels like a Hil Duff song during the Disney days. Like I can see Lizzie McGuire jamming to this song on her Hit Clips while Gordo stares at her longingly, Ethan models and styles his fluffy Ken doll hair in his locker mirror and Miranda wears wacky clothes so that she’s less irrelevant. Did I go too far with that? Probably. But that’s all I can think of. So sue me. I think the best part of this song is when the “I wish, I wish” in the background goes away.

Honorable mention lyric: “You give me everything and nothing” So much drama. So many feels.

8. Bad Blood*: So apparently this song is about Katy Perry? I swear to God if anyone is still fighting over John Mayer we need a quick reality check. It’s John Mayer. His songs haven’t been sex since Contiuum circa 2006. Old John Mayer=worth fighting over. New hippy, post-racism retirement John Mayer=not worth fighting over. Got it? Stand down gurls. Now that we’ve cleared that up, this song is growing on me, which is why it earned a star. I like the beat and it makes me feel like I could carry a boombox on my shoulder and start street fights with girls wearing whipped cream bras with a blue wig.

Honorable mention lyric: “Bandaids don’t fix bullet holes” So true Dr. Swift, so true.

9. Wildest Dreams: I haven’t read many reviews of this album yet but one that I read before I had even listened to the album said she mimicked Lana del Ray on one track, I’m going to assume it’s this one. ALL I can think when listening to this song is how it’s almost exactly the Lana/Great Gatsby “Young & Beautiful”. Lana’s song “Say you’ll still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful.” Tay’s song “Say you’ll remember me standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset.” Coincidence? I hate the Lana song because they used it in Gatsby to be about Daisy who is a HUGE twat. Also Kanye had it played when he proposed to Kim, insert monkey covering mouth to hold in vomit emoji. Long story short I’m not in love with this one.

Honorable mention lyric: “Hes so tall and handsome as hell Hes so bad but he does it so well” Is this a song lyric or directly copied from the “what you’re looking for” section on my OkCupid profile? HEYYOO.

10. How You Get The Girl: Cin always taught me if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. As you very well know I’ve never followed that rule a day in my life. I physically cannot say nice things about this song. I feel dumber after listening to it. I guess the one nice thing I can say is that the chorus SOUNDS catchy. I like how it’s sung, but the lyrics read like an advice column for Tiger Beat.

Honorable mention lyric: “With pictures in frames of kisses on cheeks” Lawls. So Innocent.

11. This Love: I can’t quite place what song the “oh oh oh’s” make me think of but it is certainly an old song that now lives on classic rock radio stations. I think I like this song for a slower change of pace from the rest of the album but again the chorus lyrics aren’t great. This love is good, this love is bad” WHICH ONE IS IT TAY? MAKE UP YOUR G-D MIND. Solid for a power ballad post break up I guess though.

Honorable mention lyric: “When you’re young you just run But you come back to what you need” All the wisdom.

12. I Know Places*: It might be the emo side of me that liked the Ashlee Simpson Show (and youtubed clips from it the other night, 10 years later) but I’m starting to love this song. It makes me want to write in my journal and dye my hair black. Just kitten, black isn’t my color. I can picture the music video for this being in the woods at night and involving her cats. Nailed it. Call me a visionary. Plus MARIST RED FOXES (insert Red Fox Rumble).

Honorable mention lyric: “Loose lips sink ships all the damn time Not this time.” ALL THE DAMN TIME.

13. Clean: I think this is probably the only song on this album that reminds me of something she’s done before. It has a similar sound to something from the Speak Now era. I like it but it’s nothing special for me. I like that it’s simple and not being overpowered by synths or mid-song talking. It’s CLEAN. Get it?! HA.HA. All jokes aside, is she comparing dating Harry to being an alcoholic? Little dramats don’t we think? Not the finish to the album that I would’ve pictured but then again let’s take a walk down memory lane to Red’s Begin Again ending. Wooooooof. So it’s probably better than that.

Honorable mention lyric: “You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore” I think we can ALL picture this, amirite? Wine stains? No? Just me?

If you also impulse bought the deluxe edition here are the bonus songs:

13. Wonderland*: This song is banging. It’s Princess fairytale Taylor in Wonderland meets carnival announcer. I mean this of course in the best possible way. The first time you hear her crazy “wonderrrlaaaaaaaaahhhnnnddd” voice you’ll know what i mean. Bonus points for cheshire cat reference.

Honorable Mention Lyric: “And in the end in wonderland we both went mad.” Mostly for her creepy delivery of “mad”.

14. You Are In Love: Supposedly this is Lena Dunham’s wedding song. Knowing that before hearing it made me want it to be the most romantic song ever. I guess it’s more of a modern romantic song, but I actually laughed out loud imaging two people dance act this out as the first dance of their wedding. It just made me think of mimes. I can’t explain the weird places my mind just went to. This song is alright but as far as love songs go I’ll stick with Thinking Out Loud for this year.

Honorable Mention Lyric: “You two are dancing in a snowglobe round and round.” Snowglobe dancing. WOULDN’T THAT BE AWESOME?! (None of this made sense. Pls disregard)

15. New Romantics*: Lovin the modern sound of this song so hard. It’s the female “Safe and Sound” except the lyrics are a lovely romanticized version of post grad problems. A young professionals (I use that term quite loosely) anthem, if you will. I can get down with it for sure. This probably should’ve closed the actual album instead of the bonus tracks if we’re being honest..and we ARE being honest.

Honorable Mention Lyric: “Honey life is just a classroom” PREACH. “We are too busy dancing To get knocked off our feet”

Summary: T’s goal with 1989 was to sound completely different. It was her first fully declared pop album (we’ll all just slyly ignore that Red was 110% pop, but apparently not actually, you know, because Stay, Stay, Stay) Anywho. Goal achieved Tay. This album is all sorts of different. Respect. There are certainly some great jams, but as a whole it’s an album that I cannot listen to on repeat every day. What I’m getting at here is that this album is not Red. Red is her crowned jewel and I will never get sick of it. It gives me all the feels and I refuse to apologize for that.

October 2023 Edit: It just so happens that Tay re-released her version of 1989 on the same date, which also happens to be the much celebrated (in this household exclusively) birthday of The Salty Ju. Per her tradition of including a bunch of never-before-heard tracks “from the vault” like she’s Walt F’ing Disney, I’ve decided to review them. As we can clearly see in the lavender text above, my style of kneejerk reactions and unfiltered commentary to songs hasn’t changed and it’s what really makes going back and reading my old blogs extra cringeworthy. So here we go, a much older and probs not wiser Ju to break down the newest 1989 bops.

Slut! Taylor is ALSO older and perhaps wiser and therefore it seemed a little gauche (she taught me that word) to name a song after a very anti-feminist slander. Everyone reasoned that this must be some sort of statement or art because obviously she’s not going to be dropping a song in the year of our Lord 2023 slut-shaming. Well joke’s on you because she sang about how it’d be worth it for once to be called a slut for this particular man friend. #FEMINISM. Love it. The ole “well they’re going to call me a slut anyway so at least this time I’m getting that good D for it.” Is what I assume she means here. GET IT GUUUURLLL. I don’t hate this song but I didn’t immediately love it either. It was basically a dreamy little F-U to the press for being judgey as hell anytime she so much as sniffed at a guy, which would’ve been edgy at the time but now it’s like seeking closure with an ex after they married someone else. Too little, too late, girlie.

Best Lyric: Got love-struck, went straight to my head / Got lovesick all over my bed

Say Don’t Go. Shaky start but the chorus got me jammin out for sure. The shouting of “say don’t go” back to herself in a little call and response? Chef’s kiss. Don’t know why that did it for me but I was all in on it. Also because if I wasn’t getting amped on the chorus I would’ve gotten a little sad from the lyrics of this song. WHY’D YOU LEAD HER ON, YOU DIRTBAG?! Her fake boyfriend Travis Kelce WOULD NEVER.

Best Lyric: And I’m yours, but you’re not mine

Now That We Don’t Talk. The second this song started I knew it was my favorite of the bonus tracks and will be heavily rotated for the rest of fall until I forget about it because she has a catalog of 19 million songs at this point and honestly it’s just hard to keep up. But anyway, sassy lyrics and a sick beat are a quick way to my heart. Rewinding back in time to 2013/2014 when these songs were written, we can conclude that they were about Harry Styles. Why? Because between yachts and long hair and flights home alone, these lyrics are dripping with Harry references. I love when I don’t have to dig for clues and easter eggs and she literally just shoves ex-boyfriend deets right in our grillpieces. Whether it’s about Harry or the 17-year-old Kennedy she dated for 1 second, I think we can all agree going from talking to a person all day every day to cold turkey no communication is hard as hell. So, sometimes it’s nice to remember that not talking also means you don’t have to pretend to be interested in their stupid little lives anymore and WE ARE BETTER OFF!

Best Lyric: Remind myself the more I gave, you’d want me less

Suburban Legends. A tall tale of high school sweethearts going their separate ways to make names for themselves and WoMp WoMPpPpp they don’t end up finding their way back to each other in the end. Look I loved folklore and that was like 90% made up stories but I’ve gotta RELATE to it, ya know? The best songs hit home for me and this just isn’t speaking to me in that way. Doesn’t mean it’s bad…just means I wasn’t born to be a suburban legend. In fact, if I went to my high school reunion they’d be like new phone, who dis?

Best Lyric: And you kiss me in a way that’s gonna screw me up forever

Is It Over Now? DING DING DING, here’s the runner up to my favorite 1989 vault track! I guess you could say I’m in my ‘men are trash’ era because I picked the two sassy breakup songs and folks, it ain’t a coincidence that my bitter single heart has resonated most with these numbers. (Quick reminder that my two favorite vault tracks from Red were the 10 min version for obvious reasons and I Bet You Think About Me. I’m a SLUT! for a scorned lover song.) Special shout out to the screams at the top of this song that sound somewhat like a bird being murdered in a forest and woke my dog from a dead slumber so she could lift her head and give me a look like, really bitch? And then I obviously gave her a look back that said I pay the bills and feed you and just cleaned up your diarrhea for the 100th time this week, I’ll jam out to Taylor Swift anytime I please THANK YOU! But also, Charlee’s got a point we didn’t need this screech to continue in the background for the entirety of the song. The way she sings “oh, lord” makes up for that though. Sorta. And not for nothing, lots of Harry hate in this song and I can’t help but point out that when Jake was being dragged again everyone was like LET’S HANG HIM IN PUBLIC and now it’s Harry’s turn again and not a peep because Harry’s a superstar now and makes weird 70’s music that everyone’s obsessed with and I CALL BULLSHIT. PETITION TO HATE ALL OF TAYLOR’S EXES EQUALLY.

Best Lyric: You dream of my mouth before it called you a lying traitor. (What a sick burn.)

I’ve grown to like 1989 I think more than I did initially. Also, not for nothing, it’s the album that birthed Blank Space which is a top five Tay song. I also correlate 1989 with my move to Boston, which was an exciting time for me even though living in a city turned out much like most of my adult life, a giant disappointment. BUT it was fun to be young and single and skinny wearing crop coordinates just like Tay! And I’ll say these vault tracks are strong. Not as strong as Red’s but honestly what could compare to that beast of an album and all of the surprise content that came afterward. So I’ll continue to groove to the old classics and mix it up with these new ones now that I’ve actually had a real relationship unlike 9 years ago and therefore can sing with the true drama of someone who has actually been through it. What an accomplishment to be proud of.

Uncategorized

Things are about to go downhill real quick.

For those of you who are my friends or family you already know that I have always been the go-to person for all *important* things such as celebrity happenings and twitter beefs. I will often interrupt a very regular conversation about actual people we know to inform you that Taylor Swift tweeted at Ed Sheeran or Jessie James ‘grammed another “no filter” of her perfect baby and sexy NFL husband. For that I will not apologize. When the world starts buzzing about these vital pieces of information you can say you heard it from me first. You’re welcome. We’ve now arrived at a point in my life where I actually get offended if someone breaks celeb news to me before I’ve seen it. Hop off my territory.

The point that I’m getting to beside the fact that I sound like a real loser, is that I’m now trying to turn my obsessive Hollywood interests into entertainment for you nerds. It’ll be a work in progress, but I’m hoping to specialize in pop culture stories summed up so that you can stay in the know but also saturated with my salty opinions, because why not? A wise man once said, “take your interests and figure out how to use them for something.” That wise man was named the G-Man and that quote was given after I explained to him in my utmost serious tone how each day of the week has it’s own trend and correlating hashtag on Instagram. The real quote he gave was much more sarcastic and much less philosophical, but you get the point. I can only imagine that his pride in me as a human being of society was overflowing at that particular moment. So here’s to making my knowledge of every Laguna Beach reunion anything but useless.

The Salty Ju

#NoFilter

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