Ed Sheeran – Subtract

Ed went 5 years without releasing new music and then dropped albums b2b, which means I get to jump on in for another installment of the highly anticipated track by track breakdown. I don’t mean to toot my own horn (even though I was born to toot), but in the review for Equals, I mused that though it SEEMS like that would’ve been the coda to his albums, we had yet to get a Subtract moment, except I called it minus because I’m forever 7 years old. And I’m assuming Ed saw that on The Salty Ju and was like here you go, babes. That’s how this album came about. I’m joking, obviously. We know how this album came about because he has extensively poured his heart out via social media and a 4-part docu-series on Disney +. I recommend you diving into that when you’re prepared to sob your eye sockets out, as I did on Friday. In short, if I may summarize the push behind this album, Ed had spent many years writing songs for what would be Subtract, and then had one of the worst years of his life when his wife found a tumor while she was 6 months pregnant and then his best friend died unexpectedly at 31. So he scrapped all those songs he was planning on having on the album and instead wrote new ones about the feelings he was having during this rough chapter as sort of a diary. As you can imagine, this album will not be full of bops, but might be more relatable than he thinks because life can be a real shitstorm sometimes.

1. Boat*. Starting things off with a simple guitar song about getting back up after you get kicked in the teeth by that fickle bitch called life. Did he say it more eloquently? Hell yea, it’s Ed Sheeran, master lyricist and voice of an angel. This song is a melodious reminder that you can feel both hopeless and also refuse to give up at the same damn time. I’m pretty much the Mayor of that town so I can say that this ditty particularly speaks to me. Things can be craptastic for a while but if you don’t let those craptastic waves sink your boat, maybe you’ll float on into some less craptastic waters? FINGERS CROSSED!

2. Salt Water. Fun fact about me (gu’head and roll your eyes, it was only a matter of time before I started yapping exclusively about myself and briefly attempting to relate it back to the song) I’ve always been an ocean lover. Grew up visiting the beach on family vacation and never had an issue going for a swim in the ocean, even overcoming the summer we went to Cape Cod and my brother in law swam up and grabbed my leg pretending to be a shark. That should’ve ended my affair with oceans immediately as it is not only traumatizing but also hits a little too close to home as Cape Cod has shark incidents multiple times every summer. But it didn’t. I took a vacation at the Jersey Shore and was one with the sea, even learning how to pee in the ocean for the first time. But then, I moved to the beach. I was very excited as a beach babe to finally live 10 minutes away and be a card-carrying member of a season beach pass. And suddenly I got a bad case of the yips. Cannot go in the ocean. We’re going on two years now and when I go to the beach (which is essentially 2-3 times a week from May through mid-October), if I get hot, I go down to the water and stand with the toddlers and splash water on myself and then head back up to my perch. I don’t know why I’m suddenly terrified of the ocean but from what I can gather, it’s a combination of the rough surf, the murky water, and the fact that I’m typically by myself and if I were to slip into the abyss, not a single soul would be looking for me. Fun stuff, right?! I came to this conclusion after I swam in both Jamaica and Siesta Key with my dad without any anxiety. Well, there was a moment where someone pointed at the water in Florida and I almost shit a brick. Pointing should be banned in the ocean unless a shark is actively chomping on you. The key to swimming in the ocean is not thinking about all the things lurking around you. Or in my case, the key to dipping your ankles and giving yourself a sponge bath because you’re too afraid to get womped by a wave, die, and wash up on the Jersey shore like all these humpbacks. All that to say, I can’t relate to this song at the moment. Salt water is not fixing my troubles, it singlehandedly IS my trouble. It’s also got a little bit of a let me drown my sorrows in the sea suicide vibe to it and it seems conflicting after just saying the waves won’t break my boat. Mixed messages from Ed if you ask me. Not my favorite track on the album and obviously you won’t find me being kissed by salt water anytime soon.

3. Eyes Closed.* Ed’s first single off the album and hands down my favorite. It is pretty much equally as depressing (content-wise) as the rest, yet surprisingly upbeat! I learned from his doc that he started writing this song years ago as a breakup tune, then revisited it after his friend Jamal died and made some changes so it was more about his grief. Let’s call a spade a spade though, breakups are also kind of deaths. That person is dead to you now, so tomato, tom-ah-to. I like that he used the original recorded vocals from many years ago and threaded it together with his new lyrics that he recorded more recently. That’s the nerd in me thinking HOW COOL that it took him this long to figure out the song and get it to what it is now, which is a banger. Also there’s nothing more relatable to the general public than memories being a double-edged sword. It’s all well and good when that person is still around, but when memories hit and that person isn’t around, it’s painful AF, especially if you’re sauced. Good thing Ed gave us that boppy “eye eye eye eyeeeeeees” joint to sing along to and help us forget.

4. Life Goes On. Back down in the dumps focusing on that garbage feeling after someone dies when life just goes back to normal but anyone in the grieving process feels like nothing will ever be normal again. Ed’s vocals are really strong in this song, hitting real hard on the “SO TELL ME HOW,” which I think will make it a phenomenal belting song for solo road trips when you’re in your feels. Unfortunately, that’s the only positive thing I can say about this song that is the epitome of “everything hurts and I’m dying.”

5. Dusty. Although I love the fact that this has a funky little beat to it and seems to be the much-needed pick-me-up after that previous track, which was a real doozy…I CAN’T with the word dusty. I went through a very long phase where I declared anything I didn’t like as dust (Ex: That iced coffee was DUST.) And on top of that, I’ve very much enjoyed and hopped on the bandwagon of calling people that suck “dusty.” Please note that this most universally applies to men. I don’t make the rules, I just agree with them. (Ex: That dusty ass guy asked for my number after he spilled his drink on me.) That being said, I cannot take a song called Dusty seriously. In my research (reading Genius Lyrics) I learned that Ed is referring to Dusty Springfield records he would often play in the morning with his daughter. It’s sweet and cute that starting the day listening to records with his daughter gave him hope and got him through hard times. BUT DUSTY…DUSTY LEE?!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUYe3DqKg2k

6. End of Youth. Gotta hand it to Ed, he knows how to take some dark subject matter and let it rip. The chorus of this song is a real head-bopper. And this part? This part right here cuts deep: “We spend our youth with arms and hearts wide open / And then the dark gets in and that’s the end of youth.” WOOF. I especially love the addition of violin on this track to further gut you.

7. Colourblind. Clearly a love song, and one full of colorful metaphors to boot, I’m going to take this opportunity to slobber all over Ed’s wife. I’d seen pictures of her here and there but Ed has kept her, their relationship, and their kids completely private and off the grid…up until this documentary. Cherry was just as much a part of it as Ed was and I was delighted to find out that not only is she as cute as a button, but she’s cool as hell too. When talking about getting a tumor and wondering if she was going to die and what legacy she would leave behind, she was holding a beer in one hand and was explaining it to the camera so casually that Ed had to interject and be like you don’t need to downplay almost dying, it’s ok to say it was terrifying. That’s one tough chick. I also very much enjoyed learning that she calls him Eds, he calls her Chez, and they call their second daughter “Jupes.” Is adding an S to everything a British deal, cause I think I want in. Sucks to suck for their firstborn Lyra, who has no cutesy S or Z nickname. I guess Liez doesn’t roll off the tongue as nicely. Anyway, Eds and Chez were besties in high school and reconnected and rekindled after she graduated college and now that I’ve gotten a glimpse of their relationship, I can’t get enough. Chez deserves all the beautiful love songs (like this one) that he’s penned for her. Including Perfect which he wrote for her after like 2 weeks of dating and it took him about an hour to create that masterpiece. What would it be like to have one of the most famous love songs written for you? I’ll have to get back to you on that half past never.

8. Curtains.* It’s trendy to chit chat about mental health these days thanks to my generation of headcases, nbd but KBD. You’re welcome, America. So I’m down with any song that can bottle up how it feels to be anxious or depressed and package it into a catchy tune. I praised Tay’s Anti-Hero and I’ll praise this song for the same reason. More people suffer from depression than you know, and I’ll even go out on a limb and declare that EVERYONE suffers from seasonal depression. Once you walk the boardwalk on a 70 degree day in January and see HOARDS of people smiling and chirping to each other about how amazing the weather is, you don’t need a scientist to declare that winter=a case of the sads. I dig the beat of this song and I’m dangerously close to getting “Let me see the sunshine, shine, shine” tatted up on my forehead cause that’s my damn life motto. Show me the sunshine, baby! Get me out of the blues and gimme dat VITAMIN D.

9. Borderline. Ope, right back down. Going from letting me see the sunshine to “sadness always finds an in” is a real drop down into the dumps and I wasn’t prepared for it nor will I ever be. I don’t want this song, plain and simple. Look, I get that when you’re grieving there’s very few rays of light that peek through. And I get that this song is about finding a balance between the light and the dark. But I also need a little more light now. We’re 9 tracks in and I feel like I’m watching Titanic, if Titanic were to kill someone off every 20 minutes instead of the entire ship dying all at once at the end. Yanno what I’m saying? I really am a sucker for the violin (must come from my hardcore days of headbanging to Yellowcard and watching their violinist do backflips off the amp on their live concert DVD) but it’s kinda like we’re listening to the string quartet as the ship is sinking. And for that reason, I’m out.

10. Spark*. Hey you know what’s hard to keep alive in a marriage that’s supposed to last FOR-EV-ER? The spark. Everyone knows it. As you say your vows with heart eyes beaming at each other you probably don’t picture yourself 40 years down the line wanting to literally pluck your husband’s teeth out one by one if you have to hear him chew a banana one more time. If that sounds oddly specific, please know it’s because it is an actual observation of my parents, whose every movement irritates the other to their very core. SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN MARRIAGE, FOLKS! But it’s chaps like Eds who give us a beacon of light showing that men can be romantics too! He wants to keep the spark alive with Chez and in their doc, they shared how they have scheduled date night into their routine so that they can keep reminding each other why they got married in the first place. How stinkin cute. Also, the orchestra backing during the bridge of this number was *Chef’s Kiss*.

11. Vega. Insider info that anyone who watched the Disney + doc now knows, Ed wrote this song the same day they got the test results on Cherry’s tumor and were told things weren’t looking good. Not for nothing but if my huz found out I had a cancerous tumor and shut himself away to write a song, I’d be PISSED. Luckily the song is all about how she’s going to be fine and it’s very hopeful and lovely. So all’s well that end’s well, and I learned something new about astrology because it was bugging me that I didn’t know what Vega was. It’s the brightest star in the northern constellation of Lyra (Their daughter’s name) and the 5th brightest star seen from Earth’s night sky. Insert ‘the more you know star’ here. Love when I re-learn something I probably learned in middle school from a pop song! Also Ed is a figurative “star” so the meaning here is xxxtra META.

12. Sycamore. I gotta be honest I’m running out of steam here. I know this is a cathartic release for him to write through these terrible life experiences that many people go through (but most don’t have the talent to turn their feelings in the moment to songs.) And yet, I haven’t specifically experienced this and therefore the relatability is low and it’s feeling like a real Debbie Downer of an album. I almost didn’t do a track by track, but I’m a slave to tradition and as long as I have The Salty Ju, I must continue album reviews of everything Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran ever release. Leave it to me to attach my cart to the two most prolific horses in pop music history. Anyway, this song is about not knowing what’s going to happen to your wife or your unborn child and having to rely on doctors to tell you what’s up. At one point in the doc, Ed said if a fan told him they didn’t like this album, he doesn’t really care. And that’s what I like to call fuck you money. He’s making music exclusively for himself now, as is Taylor. If they wanna hold Aaron Dessner hostage in the studio and write a bunch of heavy songs with pianos and strings, they damn sure will and my salty takes aren’t going to stop them.

13. No Strings. The first lyric of this song is “if we make it through this year, then nothing can break us” and I do have one note. I think the lyric should be “if I make it through this album, then nothing can break me.” I will celebrate heavily at the end as I’m sure Chez and Eds did at the start of a new year. All jokes aside, declaring: “‘Cause this is no strings, you are who I love / And that won’t change when we’re fallin’ apart” is couple goals on a billion trillion. Also, trauma bonding is real.

14. The Hills of Aberfeldy*. Oh HELL YEA gimme an Irish lick to end on. It’s no secret that I get AWL the way down to Galway Girl and Nancy Mulligan of the Divide era, so much so that when I set Galway Girl as my ringtone for a solid 2 months after the song came out, my boyfriend at the time NEARLY murdered me having to wake up to an Irish jig every damn morning. OBVIOUSLY read the room of this album, we’re not getting a jig here, it’s more of a solemn loves lost drinking song, but it still has TWINKLE with that music, baby. I accept and I want to just twirl barefoot in a dark countryside bar. Kewl fact (another one from Genius Lyrics) this song was written over 10 years ago and was always meant to be the closer on Subtract. I’ve been working on a humor piece for over a year, does that mean if I let it simmer for 9 more, it’ll be published one day? Asking for myself because working is a generous term for opening the document every few months and then closing it 3 weeks later when I realize I haven’t made one edit to it. WE ARTISTS ARE SUCH TORTURED SOULS. I’m all about sticking with the OG ending even when the album took a sharp left turn from what it was originally supposed to be.

15. Wildflowers (Bonus Track) You know what’s fun about the state of the music industry today where no one is looking to release radio-hits one at a time? You get bonus tracks out the G-D wazoo because nothing needs to be cut anymore when you can just release all of your work via streaming platforms. Looking at you Morgan Wallen and your THIRTY SIX SONG album. Seriously, I smashed play on Morgan’s album while driving my dad to JFK last week knowing that I’d be stressed in traffic and not want to pick new music and that sucker lasted me the whole trip there and half of the way back. Morg-Dawgz is out here dropping RT JFK airport dropoffs like it’s no big thang. UGH sorry I got heated, guys. This new era of music is a little overwhelming. We don’t need a release of every song ever written. Some can be kept for personal enjoyment. That being said, I like the lyrics of this song but it’s boring AF. I feel like we could’ve gone in another direction here to spice it up a little, or just left it on the cutting room floor. They can’t all be winners.

16. Stoned (Bonus Track) I know this song was written by Ed Sheeran but I can’t help but wonder if maybe my ex-boyfriend was a ghost writer on the chorus? Oohh sick burn, Julia. I have to imagine this song was written for the original Subtract many moons ago, as Ed is married with kids and not crying himself to sleep stoned out of his gord.

17. Toughest (Bonus Track) THANK GOD we get a little pep in this chorus. I’m all for this song not only because I can finally bop my noggin again, but because it’s about his wife being tough, which if you’ll remember way back to the beginning of this blog, I called her one tough chick. And if I’m saying that after seeing a canned version of her on a documentary, imagine how tough she is IN REAL LIFE. Cheers to tough chicks (all of them, have you seen how big a baby’s head is? Men could never.) Who run the world? GURLZ.

18. Moving (Bonus Track) Another song completely out of left field in context so I’m guessing it was an old one. I kinda dig it, it sounds completely different than the rest of his songs like he’s trying something new. You know when it’s a great time to try something new? After I just listened to 17 tracks that were depressing as hell. Solid change-up at the very end.

Overall Notes: This was a cave of darkness (not to be confused with a cave of wonders, boy) and I’m about ready to demand Ed open those curtains and show us some sunshine. As always, beautifully written. Because as Ed said himself when explaining how obnoxious these court cases challenging his songwriting have been…why are you punishing him for being good at his job? If he can sit down and write a magnum opus of a song in a half hour, does that mean we should sue him and accuse him of stealing another person’s work? No we shall not. But can we sue him for damages after my tear ducts crap out from listening to this album/watching the doc? LMK, cause I’d like to collect on that. I’m ready for some happier trails ahead from Eds! Perhaps with more Irish flavor?

Updated Official Salty Ju Ranking: 1. Divide 2. Multiply 3. Plus 4. Equals 5. Subtract

Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2023

Ok, here’s the deal. On Valentine’s Day the Mets emailed me and were all like “Ooohhh I bet you’re lonely and have a touch of the seasonal depresh, here’s a deal marketed JUST TO YOU.” And I’ve never felt more seen. I didn’t skip a beat in drawing out that ole CC and buying 4 tickets in lower level seats for a discount price just because it was winter and I didn’t have someone to snuggle with. Which is how we ended up here, with me a little sauced (understatement of the century) on Met Gala Monday after having already observed Met Monday. In fact, I made the joke, what if I showed up at the Met Gala in my Mets hat?! It bombed. No one laughed. These are the hard truths one has to overcome when you have a casual personal blog that you take way too seriously and also try to do excursions at the same time. I also tried to make “It’s gonna be Mets” happen. Regardless, that’s how I found myself over-served on a Monday doling out my typical (but maybe a little drunker?) Met Red Carpet observations. ‘NJoy. My first un-prompted thought: Why is everyone trying to be Wednesday Addams?! Follow-up thought…when my friend was like there were literal cats on the carpet, I SOUNDLY replied “oh yeah, that’s for Choupette.” So let the records show that even though I double booked baseball and fashion, I did NOT forget that this year’s theme was: “Karl Lagerfeld: A Line of Beauty” aka a tribute to his fashion forward (but definitely asshole) cat would not be out of line. PS I don’t care how famous you are, your cat is still an asshole, that’s just a fact, JACK.

I was literally on the train home when my BFF texted me “I hope you’re dong a met recap” to which I obviously replied with a drunk train selfie, but don’t let that boozey pic fool you because nothing and I MEAN NOTHING will stop me from judging celebs, especially whilst wearing an oversized Mets PJ shirt that was clearanced out at a whopping 3 dollars last season at Marshall’s. When I arrived home and this was the first outfit I saw it was ON like DONKEY KONG. Jenny. Jen. Lo. Baby. Whatchu doing girl?! There is no Met theme on this planet that would justify a 50’s pillbox hat, facial net and a side of tits out for the boys. This is a SWING AND A MISS. (Using baseball references cause I’m so into baseball these days and that’s obvious.)

We followed up Jen’s nipsy doodle with this Kimmy K pearl quartet and GAUGE MY EYES OUT STOP INVITING KARDASHIANS TO THE MET BECAUSE THEY EMBARRASS US EVERY YEAR. Kim is trying so hard to be Marilyn Monroe she’s about to pop an implant from how hard she’s trying to squeeze into Marilyn’s bombshell shoes. Give it up, girl. You can be hot and cool in your own identity, you don’t need to live up to these iconic American fashion staples. It’s ok, bbgurl. Relax.

I get that it’s been trendy to hate on Anne Hathaway for absolutely no reason which is exactly why I’ve always advocated for her. But I can’t here. This Elvira hairstyle with a pinned together dress is woof city, population: Annie get your gun and get the hell out of here. Sorry, not sorry.

Honestly, sure why not. I feel like I’m coming across like a real Negative over-served Nancy, and I’m not trying to bring your Tuesday down. Does a latex number salute Karl? Probably not. But if you’re going to go AWL OUT for a red carpet, Met Gala is the place to do it. So guh’ head Cardi. Get down with your black condom florals and tie and silver “wig” sitch.

Honestly, what’s the point of being a VS angel if you can’t just strap on a pair of damn wings whenever you please?! She’s freshly single and just wants to walk the catwalk as an angel no matter the time of year and I’m here for it.

I fully support a strong ab midsection and a spicy blazer, I will NEVER EVER (NOT EVEN IF THERE’S A FIRE) support a mermaid bottom. MER.MAID.BOTT.OM. GET LAWST with that. Toss your “I only eat kale” mid section in my face ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY but do NOT think you can slip a peplum skirt by me, KERRY.

This is our new Barbie, and with all due respect, this is boring as hell. You can’t be in a movie with ICONIC hot pink outfits and then be like ho, hum, lemme just toss on a basic black gown for the Met ball. Sure, she looks great, but YA GOTTA STUN ME. There were years that celebrities LITERALLY dressed as Barbie and we’re gonna just do a black gown when you ARE Barbie?! NO, babes.

This is right around the point where I was like oh ok, we’re all just doing Wednesday Addams. Like the theme was Karl Lagerfeld, a fashion designer ICON, and everyone was like I’ll just wear black and be emo. Kewl. Sick effort. Karl is R-O-L-L-I-N-G in his grave. Kendall looks cool and all but I’m bitter about this stupid and lazy approach to the theme.

Again, Lizzo looks fre$h but black and pearls is BOOOOOOOOOORING.

Check out that one flap of hair just dangling in her eye line. I’ve never been more infuriated by a patch of hair. Bye.

Since we’ve apparently interpreted “Karl” as darkness becomes my soul, Billie really nailed it. True story, this is pretty much her aesthetic and it really suits her.

I take back everything I said about Priyanka’s hair because WOOOOWWW. What’s the happs here?! Other than obviously a flood with those pants and loafies.

Even Choups took one look at this costume and was like NIGHTMARES. Better luck next time, Jared.

Gigi is the classic Abercrombie girl who goes to Hot Topic and is like I’m punk now, guys. Stick to jewel-toned horse logo sweaters with a popped collar underneath, booboo.

Things that clean your car in a car wash for 400, Alex.

Sure, bub, let’s just use the Met Gala as another avenue for you to push this “I only wear things that shock Conservatives” agenda. You win, you always do.

Michelle is having an awards season moment, so I’m not here to shit on that. She’s following the unspoken black and white rule and she looks good so get after it, mama.

Not gonna lie, I love a couple that commits to a fashion statement. Dwayne is just as into this as Gabs is, if not more.

Honestly how did she even snag an invite to this ordeal? No one correlates Nicole Kidman with high fashion. But here we are. She looks dece (more dece than she does on a red carpet) but still odd to see her. It’s like when a friend no one invited just casually showed up and you all had to pretend you invited her all along cause you’d look like a big ole group of heartless bitches if you didn’t. If you’re reading this and wondering if your girl gang ever did this to anyone, it’s you. They didn’t invite you. Sarry.

Sure, Barbs pink and feather are always accepted no matter the occasion.

It’s slowly starting to click (alcohol is a scary drug, folks) that everyone in H-wood just decided to dress EXACTLY like Karl for this evening’s events. On the one hand, Steph nailed it, on the other hand that I’ve leaned into A LOT, it’s so the OPPOSITE of creative. Ooh, the theme is Karl? Can I borrow on of his ties and pull my hair back to look like a man?! Insert the deepest of eye rolls here. I want FUNKY, not copy an 85 year old man who hasn’t changed his red carpet outfit in 59 years. Lookin at you for a wake-up call on this matter, Anna Wintour.

BOOOOOOOOOOOoOOOOoOOOOOOOOOO. You lived through the worst decades of fashion in the early aughts with baby tee’s and baby purses. You should be SLAYING at the Met Gala every year!! Triple decker platforms and a choker that spans the width of your body AIN’T IT, SIS.

Karlie took the Kimmy K pearls memo and repurposed into a belt and for that reason, I’m out.

Amanda looks like she was straight up electrocuted. And not in a chic way.

I don’t get it. I’m sorry. I know this is the most unpopular opinion because girls are creaming their jeans over this guy and yet, a high biz sock and a bare calf will dry a girl RIGHT UP. This is horrifying.

Red is making an appearance here and there on the carpet and I’m so desperado for a pop of color that I’m thirsty as hell for most of the red hot lewks. This is sex pot 101 with the latex corset and lace legs so snaps for Salma.

Cause nothing says bless us o’lord for these are thy gifts like a body chain rosary diving down your exposed cleavage and thigh high’s. God Bless the USA.

Is that a neck guitar?! Whatever, her hair and makeup looks good so this little topless guitar cape can slide on by.

10/10. No Notes.

Imagine throwing on a double decker head piece like this and thinking you won’t look stupid? I want that kind of confidence.

Simple but elegant and I’m always on board for a sparkly tassel.

Another carbon copy, I’m just gonna wear Karl’s skin as a suit move. Eyes rolling down the white and red carpet.

Cake ruffles…we all know where I stand on that trend. Also not for nothing but pink eye shadow should be banned, it forever makes people look unwell for wearing.

I would like this look a bajillion times more if we eliminated the neck bow/fake flower. I do love the lace and sparkle combo though.

This is BODACIOUS. Sure, it’s stupid to basically drag a comforter behind you but at least it’s a nice soft blue and complements the pastels in the dress.

This is bad prom 101. So tacky and unflattering.

It’s so great that we live in a society where the Bradley Cooper’s of Hollywood just show up in a plain ole tuxedo and people are like yes, he nailed it. Throw on some shades and a little hair tousle and women are fanning themselves.

I LIVE FOR AN OPEN BACK, BABY.

I know she has silver hair regularly and not just for this event so I’m not going to come at her for copying Karl. See? I can be rational.

This is the kind of shit I like to see. Over the top, I’m a Real Housewife of Dubai Queen. Bow down, bitches.

From Dubai to Ancient Greece. This look isn’t moving the needle for me. It’s random and out of place and the color is off.

The bows are suuuuhhhhhh STUPID. She literally looks like a five year old with a bow just tied into her hair like that.

Have we seen a blue number yet? Honestly, I don’t even remember because there were 124 photos on People.com. That is too many photos. We’re really pushing it here and I’m running out of steam BIG time. Will I ever be done with this blog? Probs not. I’ll be clacking away as a skeleton six feet under. Oh no, we’re getting loopy. I’m laughing the most at picturing myself as a skeleton. At least my figure would be top notch. Could eat all the hot dogs I want cause they’d just fall right out. Anyway, her legs look bangin and matching boots to the dress? OKURR.

Stunning. That dark lip contrast is Chef’s Kiss.

WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?! I’ve never hated anything more. A black “my hair is dirty so I’ll slip this on” headband and peach satin?! Woof.

I never put two and two together while watching Daisy Jones & the Six that this is Rob Pattinson’s latest piece. Seems like an odd match-up. Digging her little fairy dress but the PINK EYESHADOW DAMNIT. It makes women look sick.

I’m into this whoutfit with flower dangles. I also like a man who commits to the theme and doesn’t just roll up as himself, BRADLEY.

I very much do not like this.

Bangs?! BANGS, EM?! I cannot focus on anything else.

This is so Emily in Paris Pierre Cadault meta and if you don’t understand that reference then you’ve OBVIOUSLY never been to Paris. Like LC. BAM BAM, double stupid show reference. I’m FIRING ON ALL CYLINDERS.

This one grew on me. It’s like a mother and daughter Peaches and cream duo. I like the contrast of the fur and silk togets. Well done for Mommy & Me!

We get it, Maude, you’re skinny.

Ahh, the ole butt bow. Tried and true every major red carpet event has to have one.

If this were a standalone look I’d genuinely wonder if this was a Michael Jackson tribute instead.

This is a little too on the nose for me, Doja Cat.

An effort was made here, so we accept.

I’m into this, especially that GIANT rock she’s sporting around her neck. I mean damn, girl.

Hate tweed the most. And a chain belt is literally making me puke a little in my mouth. That could be the mixture of beer, wine, gin & vodka I tossed down my gullet. But more likely, it’s the belt.

SPARKLY & SHINY & SHIMMERS!

Alright who was on wiping duty for Rita last night?

I’m weirdly into this. Maybe it’s the cocky hand in the pocket pose?

RIP MY EYEBALLS OUT OF MY SKULL BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AT THIS FOR ONE MORE SECOND IT IS BEYOND HIDEOUS.

Rami looks like he’s going to the grocery store to pick up eggs.

Yup, I’m 100% all in on this. This is a moment.

Two contrasting dramatic looks b2b and I love it a lot. This pearl crown is bomb.com.

I mean he wins, right?! Like you show up to a Karl tribby with a 10 ft train in his likeness you’ve just essentially told everyone to suck it hard. Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Yoikes this is bad.

FUN & FUNKY FRESH.

Gotta be honest, this looks cozy as hell.

No. Nope. Not happening. No sir you will not just throw on a leather trench and oversized shades and call it a day.

It’s giving boxer about to enter the ring.

We’ve got a twofer here. Weird big coat over hoop and TA-DA I’M JUST WEARING UNDIES AND A CONE YOU PUT OVER TREES YOU WANT TO PROTECT FROM SNOW! Sure babes, whatever. If not at the Met, when can you hula hoop it up in your skivs. Body looks bangin.

What a punchable face. That closed mouth smile and peace sign in a bucket hat. Pete’s just asking for a knuckle sandwich.

The way that people wait with bated breath for a RiRi appearance. Events like this were made for the Rihanna’s and Gaga’s of the world. What outlandish thing can they stunt all over the carpet. And you know what? I like it. Like I said 100 years ago when I started writing this blog, I love a couple that goes full send together. ASAP with the kilt, Rihanna with the coordinated red lip and cool Hollywood starlet shades. I’m even down with this flower bubble. And that’s it, folks. That’s a wrap on the Met. Now excuse me while I take a long winter’s nap because whipping up this blog at 10pm after a booze-filled day was basically my Jordan flu game. If you made it to the end of this blog that I will absolutely not be proof-reading, you also deserve a nap. LET IT RIP.

Red Carpet

CMT Music Awards Red Carpet 2023

The CMT Music Awards are a fan-voted awards show so it’s a popularity contest and about four A-List country stars showed up to Austin, Texas for this shindig but oooh baby that don’t stop me from rippin a red carpet! (Since there are so few to judge, we’ll just let em all hang loose in one list…if you think by eliminating a worst dressed list, I’ll spare the snarky commentary you are sorely mistaken.)

I looked at this picture first when browsing last night’s arrivals and literally checked the link to confirm this was a 2023 photo and not a throwback to a 90’s country awards show. Hot diggity damn Shania looks great for me to do a double take and wonder if it was 30 years ago. Sorry, let me clarify, this outfit is downright atrocious. But face/hair/bod is the FOUNTAIN of youth.

It’s not a country night unless Carrie trots those billion dollar legs out. Folks, these stems peeking out of her blinged out spanky pants are stealing the damn show. I can’t look anywhere else. Love the outfit, but honestly who cares what she’s wearing when you’ve got a set of gams like this and she’s known it since she strutted them onto that American Idol soundstage 18 years ago. And that’s coming from someone who knows a thing or two about hot legs. (s/o to the sun.)

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From hawt legz to this catastrophe. What a massive letdown. I think we can all safely say that Avril Lavigne trying to make ties a cool punk rock thing in the early aughts belongs firmly in the rearview. I never need to see a couple wearing matching skinny ties. In fact Gwen stepped right out of 2002 from boots with the fur, fishnets, mini skirt that barely covers her snatch and a white button down. Go home, Gwen.

Kelsea’s living her best damn life. She’s dating a babe soda, she got her mic drop moment spilling the tea on her divorce, and she’s dressing to impress. Guh ‘head gurl, get down with your bad self in your pastel corset.

Imagine being a total rocket, being married to a country superstar, and then just casually having the voice of an angel as well and hopping on a track with your husband that blows all the way up? That being said, you’re better than lilac tights and kitten heels with a rhinestone bow, Katelyn. And the gloves?! Are you Mia Thermopolis, PrinCESS of Genovia? The fame has gone straight to her head.

THE DUBS THUMBS UP. gEeEEeEk aLeRt! I don’t even hate this outfit because as I’ve mentioned about 900 times to anyone who will listen, I’m all about that beige lifestyle lately. But I cackled at those dad thumbs. Surprised he didn’t pair them with a couple of fresh white New Balances.

I absolutely need to know if Megan realizes that by posing at an angle with a leg popped, that white ameoba cutout is giving us a straight-shot view of her labia.

OH HELLO, GRANDMA! What the hell is this sack of tinsel? It looks like she tied a matching sweatshirt around her waist, except it’s actually a tablecloth instead. Don’t forget your tablecloth, Dixie, it might get chilly tonight!

Look at this little lime green popsicle! I love a coordinated Keroppi.

(That reference will only hit with the real 90’s girliepops)

I don’t just want these boots, I NEED THEM. I can’t say I love a good bloom until I have bloomin’ bootz, chaknow?! I also love that this chick knew what a statement these shitkickers are and went simple black for the rest of her outfit so they had their moment to shine. It’s country but elegant and I’m here for it.

This is the most appropriate event to rock this look at. Anywhere else you try to pull off a denim jacket/dress combo with leather boots, leather hat, velour gloves & bright red hair and you get laughed right out of the joint. But a fan-voted awards show in Austin on a seafoam green carpet? Yes, booboo. She is the moment.

I may never get over a gentleman of this size being named Jelly Roll and of course we can’t forget his bride, Bunnie XO. And honestly now that I’m taking a better look at his tatted up face, is one of those just a straight line from his hair down through his left eye? What’s the meaning behind that little ditty, I wonder. To top it all off, the prayer hands are giving real DJ Khaled vibes, BLESS UP.

I’ve been catching up on Abbott Elementary and it’s no coincidence that just before I tuned into this awards show, I watched the episode where Gregory tries to become a trendy hat guy (not for the faint of heart as I too faced ridicule when trying to elevate my hat game) and every single zinger that the other teachers lobbed at him applies to this monstrosity of a dome cover. So at the risk of this clip being removed from YouTube…watch & giggle.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3EQANV8G9U

The Lavender silk shirt is really giving ice dancer but I’m a sucker for Chucks and a fun jewel tones duo.

This may sound judgmental but hear me out. Are we at a Walmart in Sequoyah, Oklahoma? My jaw DROPPED at how much hick is in one photo here. It’s like they’re reenacting the Natalie Portman classic “Where the Heart Is.” Homegirl is seconds away from her water breaking in that green polka-dotted dress that looks like it was pulled out of the bottom of the hamper where it was crumpled up for weeks, then stuck in the wheel well of the pickup truck that they certainly drove to the show. And while we’re at it, why don’t we cruise on over to the mullet hanging onto that big ole belly for dear life. Is that a pearl necklace he’s sporting with ADIDAS SAMBAS?! WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE, YOU TWO?! IS THIS AN APRIL FOOLS JOKE?! This is the exact costume one might wear to a white trash bash themed college kegger. All that’s missing is mullet gripping a can of Bud heavy and rippin a butt in his other hand. My ‘lanta.

Big time fan of Russie and his lady Kailey and gotta serve up a cold hard glass of truth, I expected more from them. Don’t get me wrong, it’s no chartreuse polka dot dress and SAMBAS (still not over it). But at the same time, they’re not knocking my damn socks off either. They’re gonna have to step it up if they’re gonna make it to the big leagues. And by the big leagues, I obviously mean Best Dressed on this highly-esteemed fashion blog.

Despite a mean case of the crazy eyes (or for all who celebrate, ‘Shane from Love is Blind’ eyes) Lainey’s killin this outfit. Much like I imagine her low budget Hannah Montana accent kills a lot of boners. I’m sorry, but it had to be said. She did a lot of talking and I spent the entire time wondering if she was doing a fake twang like ole Pennsylvania native Taylor Swift used to do in her early days. It is *very* hard to listen to and I hope she shakes it off as quickly as Tay did.

Oh, honey no! No, no, no, no, NOOOOO. MAKE THIS SHEER TREND STOP FOREVER I’M SO SICK OF SEEING EVERYONE’S NUDE BODIES BEHIND A VERY UN-PRIVACY SCREEN IN THE NAME OF “FASHION.”

Oh ok, Cole showing up with some arm candy! I live for the dichotomy of a simple country boy like Cole who always wears a baseball cap and solid colors next to Princess Sparkles over here. I wonder if she’s hoppin up into his Chevy to go shootin.

Carly’s poppin that rack and that leg at the same damn time and I got hella respect for it. Why? Cause it’s subtle and sexy and I’m not staring down the barrel of her belly button, nips or lady curtains. PRAISE BE!

Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2023

We’ve arrived at the big one, that means spring is just around the corner! F that groundhog looking for his damn shadow, all we need is a 7 hour stuffy as hell broadcast with a bunch of A-list actors and a host making PC jokes to know the long winter is almost over. Unfortunately when last year’s show includes Will Smith bum-rushing the stage and bitch-slapping Chris Rock on live TV, the one that follows is gonna be tighter than a butthole. This was one of the most boring awards show ever broadcast and that includes their color choice for the carpet, which was “champagne.” It’s beige, folks. Just call it beige. Not sure why they decided to switch it up from the infamous red, but for anyone in my close circle of friends (my Twitter followers) you know that I’m currently obsessed with neutral tones and have been on an aggressive hunt to transform my entire wardrobe into exclusively Oat Milk articles of clothing, shoes, and accessories. So what I’m trying to say is that I can’t really knock a beige carpet when I just purchased a “Vanilla” sweatsuit to really commit to my NUDE era. So without further ado, all the looks from a carpet that will immediately turn brown from people traipsing all over it.

WORST

Did Florence turn her ponytail INTO micro bangs? It looks like a choice was made here and that choice was to flip her ponytail onto her forehead and superglue it there. Although I could probably spend this entire commentary discussing how that was a terrible choice, it’s important for me to also point out the bedsheet wrapped around spankypants look she’s rockin below the fringe. Nothin like rolling yourself up in a Duvet and hitting the show!

I’m never going to support a slicked back updo. ESPECIALLY from someone who has curly hair like me. Rep us curly gurlz on that champagne carpet, WHAT ARE YOU ASHAMED OF?! Yea that’s right I just took one look at this hairstyle and crafted a clickbait spin that Jenny was ashamed of her natural curls. Get on my level.

Can you imagine showing up to the biggest awards show, not being an actress, and wearing feather boas? Let’s take it down a notch, Molly. This ain’t your show, honey. Save it for the Paris catwalk.

If you’re the arm candy of Antonio Banderas at the Oscars, you’ve gotta do better than this Fabletics lookin coordinated set. I mean is she walking a red (beige) carpet or leading an at-home workout on Youtube for all of her followers? It’s even more ridiculous that Antonio is in a tux next to Barbie Burpees.

I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed in Kate. This isn’t the ugliest dress on the planet but it’s certainly not doing it for me. More importantly, it is the 20 year anniversary of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days this year and HOW DO YOU NOT WEAR THE ICONIC YELLOW DRESS WITH THE CANARY ISADORA DIAMOND TO THE OSCARS?! I mean people would LOSE THEIR SHIT. That was a huge opportunity missed and I’ll be irrationally peeved about it for a little while. Do better next time, Andie Anderson.

This is a Free Willy nightmare. I don’t know if it’s the actual Orca fin of taffeta hanging off her back that’s making her posture so shitty or if she just knows this look sucks and is posing like the ~~Hunchback of Notre Dame~~ Humpback of the Pacific admitting defeat.

I hate this color. I hate the tie top halter and keyhole cleavage. I hate the bottom half looking like doorway streamers you buy on Amazon for decorating an Airbnb for a Bachelorette. HateHateHateDoubleHate…LOATHE ENTIRELY.

Not into the drapey fabrics style. It’s always the type of dress you trip over (because where are your feet) and also end up dragging your sleeves through the sauce on your plate or knocking over your wine glass making a real mess of things. I wanted to be a part of the poncho trend years ago when it was cool until I wore one to work and knocked my pencil cup off my desk every time I moved my arms. A lesson was learned. Just because it’s “trendy” doesn’t mean it’s practical. Also, not for nothing, but shapeless as hell.

I love following along when people get thirsty AF for male actors and then watching as they all come back down to earth and put their boners away. This should be a sobering moment for all because the guy people have been calling DADDY for weeks on Twitter is wearing suit pants that are SO long they look like JNCO jeans bagging up around his ankles. REAL Daddies wear a tailored suit.

Slicked ‘do, clown makeup and a tiny belt resting atop her labia. Need I say more?

This is a really fun color and I don’t hate a suit moment but it has to be fitted right or a flattering style. Wearing a floor length business duster ain’t it, chicky. Waist-length jacket open to the bustier underneath would’ve slapped way harder.

This triggered me. Although a MUCH classier version, all I could think of when I saw Ashley was a recent episode of Love is Blind (S3, After the Altar) where Alexis wore the below number to her birthday party, which her dad attended. I repeat, her father was at a party where she wore this:

Sure, this is an extreme comparison. But also, is it really? When are we going to stop doing see through numbers with briefs (or lack thereof) underneath? Also perhaps I just really wanted the world to set their peepers on this birthday suit a reality TV star wore for realz and felt good about. Wanna know how I know LIB isn’t matching people with their true loves or “their person” as is gagworthy repeated time after time on this show? Cause her PERSON would’ve taken one look at that atrocity of a lace stocking stretched over her tits and bits and said “go change.” Instead her man told her she looked amazing. I give the marriage 5 years tops. And that’s being generous.

Ana’s a bangpiece and I’ve seen her knock it out of the park plenty of times but tonight wasn’t one of those times. There’s something so meh about this look and I’ve never been real rah-rah for ruffles or in this case, scales. on a dress.

THE SKINNY SCARF. Guys. If those are coming back put me in the G-D ground. The worth nothing, completely uncoordinated skinny knit scarf tossed over a t-shirt HAUNTS me as much as Gaucho pants and kitten heels do. YIKES ON BIKES. Speaking of horrifying trends coming back…I found myself in a Forever 21 this weekend (don’t ask, I’m not willing to admit why a 31 year old found herself scouring a Forever 21 and also making a purchase) but my jaw was on the ground the entire time as it looked exactly like a Delia’s catalog from 1996 come to life. The spaghetti strap crop tops with stupid bedazzled phrases, smiley faces and flames. I GASPED when I saw these bad boys:

Fashion is not real.

It’s gonna be a hard no for me, bub.

Once again, WHAT DO PEOPLE FIND SEXY ABOUT THIS GUY?!

Ariana usually does something trendy and quirky and this fell flat. Plus, fabric shooting out of your butthole tail style…two thumbs down.

Lenny, you’re way too old to be going chesties out at a black tie event. Not a good enough reason to let the breeze hit your nips.

It’s giving grandma’s curtains/tablecloth/nightgown all rolled into one vibes.

Is that a bedazzled rhombus on your chest or are you just happy to see me?

Silk AND peach?! Bruh. Come on.

“I’ve got the best idea! Let’s just forget the sleeve on one side but in it’s place we’ll do a couple of one foot wide glitter flowers hanging off the dress.” – The designer of this dumpster fire gown, probably.

There’s never a circumstance where I need to know if you’ve recently gotten a bikini wax by seeing it with my own peepers for an awards show.

Say it with me now y’all, TOO MUCH FABRIC!

And in the same camp…why are we ADDING layers to the hip area?! I love the color and the bold lip but this drapey sitch is OUT.

When I first saw this I was like HELL YEA, MARLEE. Get down with your bad self. And then something that inevitably happens every time I do a red carpet blog, by the time I got back ’round to doing commentary for it I flip-flopped and suddenly hated it. She basically has the same hairstyle as Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama and I can’t razz all over Molly Sims for her boa arms and not also throw stones at Marlee for her feather cake bottom gown. EQUALITY FOR SHITTING ALL OVER BOA FASH.

This is an MK or A witchy simplistic lewk and I expect more from E. We know your sisters dress like this at every public outing (usually baggier and with more layers) but you’re a rising star at the beginning of your career that didn’t start on straight to VHS short films with original white girl rap songs. GIVE US SOMETHING SPICY. Take a chance, boo!

Unpopular opinion but I don’t worship the ground Rihanna walks on for literally no reason. She made some catchy pop beats like 10 years ago and she seems cool and all but this Beyonce-level obsession that people have with her and thinking she is a fashion icon is a little much. I thought her super bowl outfit that had people questioning if she had a pregnancy announcement or just hadn’t pooped in a while kinda sucked and the same goes for this sheer/leather thang. Sorry…not sorry.

DID SHE TIE THE BOTTOM OF HER DRESS INTO A RAT TAIL? Get the hell out of my face with that.

A very public Kelly Ripa H8er (Rege & KLG 4 LIFE), I rolled my eyes out of my damn head when she announced that Ryan Seacrest would be leaving the show and her husband would be taking his place. I’m a firm believer that she’s a real twat and difficult to work with so it checks that she’s now choosing the one person who doesn’t get paid to tolerate her on the daily. I smelled drama with this switcheroo and I know she’s trying to get ahead of it by showing up with both like there isn’t bad blood but WE KNOW YOU KELLY. THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING. And that’s my unrelated bitchy rant to close out awards season. Also look how far those three clowns are standing apart. I’ve never seen a more uncomfy trio. Ok, now I’m done. Is Mark wearing a jean shirt? KByeeeeeeeee.

What an asshole move. Every time they panned to the audience and I saw this skyscraper hood levitating above her head I felt bad for everyone sitting behind her. If I was running the show and saw her roll through I’d tell her she had to sit in the nosebleeds. It’s only fair.

BEST

Love a pastel moment and we didn’t get too many of them tonight. SPRING HAS SPRUNG LITTLE CHICKADEES!

Idris lookin like a stone cold fox in that blue patterned jacket but unfortunately for us all he chose to bring Kermit the Frog as his date. There’s a reacher and a settler in every relashe and I think we’ve solidified who is who here.

I’ve come to accept that Seth exclusively wants to look like he’s going to prom and out of the many quirky pastels he’s tried to pull off in the past, this ivory and steel blue combo is his best. His wife wore a much less offensive shade of green than ole Kermie above, which was nice.

I could not be more obsessed with not only a periwinkle suit, but a periwinkle suit with pearl starburst buttons. Grey shoes would’ve been the obvious choice here instead of a chunky black loafer but I’m guessing he was somewhat trying to coordinate with his lady friend, so we’ll let it slide.

What a fun take on crop separates! Bustier top and a hot orange bottom keeping it sassy as hell.

This kid knows what’s up. Sick kicks and a sparkly jacket. I respect starting strong right out the gate. Keep up the good work, Ginger Snap.

I don’t know how Vanessa became a key player in red carpet fashion but she’s been throwing heaters for the past few years now and I accept.

God, nothing makes me smile like a finger gun pose at a black tie affair.

One of the few red numbers of the eve and she looks great!

Dubs hands on hips and some midsection lacies is fierce. WERK.

Only thing more cool guy than a shimmery silver jacket would’ve been matching bottoms but something tells me Samuel L. doesn’t need anymore street cred.

PRINCESS PINK MOMENT!

Michelle almost snagged the best dressed honor because she is an angelic beauty in this.

I can’t stand phantom sleeves attached to nothing but I need to commend Mindy for stepping outside of the box. Her show The Mindy Project featured some of the quirkiest and fun bold outfits episode after episode and then when I see Mindy on the red carpet it feels like she’s always in blacks, navy blues, and basic styles. More of this good shit, please! She looks sexy and fashionable even though her upper arms are probably cold. Seriously, what’s the point of forearm sleeves? But I digress…

HOT COUPLE ALERT. (They’d be hot even if they showed up in athleisure, but that’s why Hollywood is unfair and exists to remind us that we’re all a bunch of poor, ugly, slobs.)

Speaking of unfair, Jessica literally looks like a painting.

Let’s be real, it’s the pocket for me.

Another cut sleeve thing which really burns my biscuits but hot damn that dress fits her like a glove. You know what it is? I think the sleeves are giving me flashbacks to the fishnet cut-off girls would get from Hot Topic and slide over their pasty arms with an American Eagle graphic tee. Glad you could join me on this journey to find out why I’m personally triggered by a trend. Always a pleasure working through things with you.

A real daddy, if you will. A well deserved thirst trap.

Now that awards season is over, let’s all stop making fun of his Elvis accent. Pinky swear?

This is the unhinged part of the blog where I declare that Michelle and Jamie Lee must’ve been keeping up with The Salty Ju because I knocked them down a peg at the Globes and they stepped it UP for the Oscars. Has everything to do with me and my highly valued opinions and nothing to do with the fact that this is the biggest awards show and the final one of the season. These light sparkly gowns are flattering and goddess-like which is much more fitting of two first-time Oscar winners. Well done babes.

Another pastel princess moment for the new Princess Ariel. BTW that trailer sucked. Don’t turn an UNDERWATER move into live action. It looked fake as hell. Some things just BELONG in animation. Whoops, got a little hot under the collar about a Disney Vault Classic. Sorry bout it.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Honestly Cara was at every awards show this year and I don’t even know what she was in to warrant an awards season tour but also I don’t really care with a stunner like this. She crushed and she knows it. Anyone who’s still comparing this to “Angelina Jolie’s leg moment” is stuck in the past because if you’re asking me she blows big Ange outta the water. I would say more about why she’s the top contender of the evening but I can’t stop staring at that sleek gam. I’m rendered speechless by stem. Snaps for you Cara. Ya did the damn thing.

Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2023

We are in the future! How many years did I biiitch about the fact that awards shows (and basic cable) should be available to all?! Cut to 2023 when the SAG’s (arguably one of the least watched awards shows as it used to air on TBS) was streamed on YouTube via the Netflix channel. The me that bought an antenna three years ago and spent an afternoon holding it up in different areas of my *brick* building of an apartment only to never get a sig for an awards show and have to return that bad boy to Best Buy is VERY pleased about this recent development. Petition to move ALL awards shows to the free to all channels by 2025 or WE RIOT. No shitty commercials, no crafting new emails for free Live TV trials, and best discovery of them all…no censoring! Those celebs were dropping F bombs left and right and I was sliiiiiving for it. UNCUT, BABY! Imagine what the Will Smith slap rant would’ve looked like had network TV not scrambled to bleep it out and cover our eyes?! LET US SEE IT ALL! Judging by the post-break wrangling that presenters were doing onstage, people were beebopping around and getting rowdy out there. Give us an audience cam and let us watch celebs hobnob in between awards instead of commercials. Did I just singlehandedly make awards shows watchable again by changing a few minor key deets? YUP.

WORST

The pushed back hair and shoulder ruffles really turned me off here. Honestly it’s mostly the hair. Like, how is it just staying back like that. It’s as if she ran her fingers through her hair with super glue so it wouldn’t fall forward again because it’s certainly not wet or slicked or gelled. MYSTERY.

Look, if it was just the plaid jacket, I’d be like ok that’s a little off-beat but I can get down with it. THAT HAT THOUGH. What IS it?! A cross between a captain’s hat and a beanie? I’m operating under the assumption that this hat is for fashion and not for any religious purposes but I’m sure I’ll swiftly be cancelled if I’ve misjudged this sitch. If it was a style choice, I want nothing more than to knock it off his lil head.

AH MY EYES! This is offensive on so many levels. The color, the silk/lace combo deal, the bolero and the tiny beaded purse. Holy hell this is a matronly number straight outta 1997.

Emily Blunt looks snatched as hell considering she’s got multiple children, but this dress is way too much for me. If it was just the flowers, or just the cutouts or just the bright red, fine. But all three? Sensory overload, homeslice.

When I tell you I BURST out laughing when I stumbled upon this. Show up to the awards show where actors are their DOUCHIEST talking about the craft of acting, wearing doucheroni from head to toe. Seems about right.

I’ll never understand the ‘toss a circle at the top’ design. This is so boring and Amy is WAY too young to be pushed into the women of a certain age black gown category.

I think she was maybe going for a glam sea urchin vibe? The result was terrifying.

Bold of me to put these two on the worst dressed list when they’re mean muggin the camera this hard. Looks like they might reach right through this picture and give me a swirlie. But I like to live on the edge and this King and Queen of darkness act is not fitting for a joyous awards show. SO COME AT ME, BROS.

Sick bejeweled bra. This looks like when Phoebe was trying to seduce Chandler to get him to admit he was schtupping Monica and she just showed him her bra to make him flustered and confess.

I gotta be honest I did not know that JLC was packing this heat in the chestal area and yet at the same time it’s certainly something I didn’t need to know. Way too much cleave for a Sunday night. Also, kind of irked me that she called herself a nepo baby twice like she’s in on the joke, then essentially mounted Michelle Yeoh in front of everyone and wouldn’t stop slobbering all over her during her acceptance speech while not even MENTIONING Stephanie Hsu who was nominated in the same category for the same damn movie. RUDE. I didn’t think I’d ever be coming for such a Hollywood Heavyweight but she really starting asking for it when she genuinely guest-starred on an episode of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to hawk her charity merch. So clearly my feelings of disappointment toward her have been festering for quite a while. Do better, Jamie Lee.

This is atrocious and there really is no other word to describe it. BROWN AND BABY BLUE CHESS BOARD on a dress, with a bell bottom silhouette. Woofsicles.

This foreign fella is the apple of many women’s eye if I had to judge based on all the thirsty tweets and yet I don’t get it. It’s like Harry Styles, actor edition. He’s got a mullet and he’s wearing an embroidered skirt…why are we acting like this dweebosaurus is a panty dropper?

NIGHTMARE FUEL. I saw this and was like wait I thought Evan Peters played Jeffrey Dahmer. Color me confused that the guy who showed up dressed like a creep monster was not attending in character but rather just looked at this head to toe whoutfit and thought, I will be irresistible in this.

I didn’t like this look to start and then Aubrey went onstage to present and I audibly gasped at how unforgiving the cut is. I imagine like 99% of Hollywood, Aubrey is a size zero and merely exists on a deep gulp of fresh air whilst hiking, grilled chicken and the occasional wheatgrass smoothie (with oat milk, obv.) And yet, due to the way this fabric is wrapped around her body, she looked fat. If I were her and I peeped the photo below, I’d immediately fire my stylist and anyone else who had a hand in this criss cross applesauce of a fashion choice.

A lace peacock. HOW BOUT NO.

At first glance I felt like Michelle resembled one of those giant swiffers your car cruises by in a car wash, but then she took the stage for her win and I saw the up close and personal deets of this unfortunate dress accessory. Those are literally the crinkly paper fillers you find at the dollar store and stuff in gift baskets. SHE IS WEARING EASTER BASKET FILLER GLUED TO HER FRONT. And even worse, she was NOT self-aware of her frazzled paps dress and let it rustle into the mic for a consistent fuzzy feedback sound that made me want to rip my ears clean off my head for her entire acceptance speech. HOW DO YOU NOT HEAR THE STATIC WHILE YOU’RE SPEAKING?!

I love the headband. Her hair looks amazing. And more importantly, I love that she won and boldly waved her hands around with one of her long black nails just straight up missing from her hand. Jennifer Coolidge is white trash personified and she’s a woman of the commoners. She shows us that we all can have a winning year after a lackluster career of doing a bit character and just haphazardly tossing red carpet looks together. As someone who has dabbled casually in the press-on nails game because my sister is an avid presser, I know how easily one of those guys can pop right off and get lost in the crowd. I can only hope that Jennifer was having herself a night and didn’t even realize one of her talons fell off, reppin gals everywhere who can’t afford to get an ANC mani every 2 weeks but still want fresh digits they can tap on a hard surface. Let’s normalize ratchet nails. (Related side bar, I’ve been vocal about wondering how girls with the long pointed tips wipe without stabbing their buttholes and I have a new question to add to that list…after going to a rock climbing gym for children this weekend and noticing that each employee had Cardi B nails, how exactly are y’all popping harnesses in and out and assisting children as they scale walls with 10 inch plastic daggers attached to each finger? We might have underestimated the next generation because if they can manage that without an oopsie stabbing or ripped finger, they can do anything.)

Head to tail floofs and of course…MER-MAID-BOT-TOM.

I typically shout out any man who wears something different from a black suit but POWDER BLUE?! Really?! ANY other shade of blue would’ve slapped but we had to go with the stereotypical 80’s prom choice…Also, is there a flood coming? James coming off like a real Geekburger here.

What in the actual fuck are we looking at here. I’m speechless.

I think the style of this dress is different and definitely flattering but Michelle looks like she’s 900 years old and I can’t stand for that. The combination of a black gown, pearl necklace, and her hair ripped back in a low library bun is aging her THE MOST. Even her pose looks stiff as hell. I want Jen Lindley back and I wanted her back yesterday. Loosen up, gurlfran!

He was on the best dressed because he’s cute but after hours of hacking away at this list I decided that NOT ALL CUTE BOYS CAN GET AWAY WITH BEING A SNOOZERONI. We need more.

BEST

Beautiful gown topped off by a teeny tiny little bun that is just downright adorable.

Really love that this dress is centered around pulling back all of the fabric to show off your stems. And she’s rockin a pair of gams so I’m glad they pulled back the curtain to reveal ’em.

Honestly probably would’ve loved this blazer as a dress (because it’s long enough, key deet) but this hot pink Barbie power suit is doing it for me.

Curly headed f*ck is still serving in a basic black tux. Rounding out awards season as a thirst trap and reeeealllyyyy making me question why The Bear was considered a comedy because it was most certainly not.

Love this splash of design but not too over the top, also love that he was the only one bold enough to try a bit during his nomination and he crushed a burger. Respect.

Fran has crossed the threshold of the aged Hollywood black dress requirement but the sparkles suit her and she’s rockin that hourglass figure.

Mrs. Sandler looks like a knockout. Adam looks better than when he dons cargo shorts and a double XL grey tee, but still giving schlubby dad vibes with the oversized suit and carrying his cell phone on the red carpet like he’s about to put his readers on and send a size 14 font text to his daughters.

This past weekend we introduced my niece to the MAGIC that is The Parent Trap. About a half hour into the movie when they show an 11 year old stabbing another 11 year old with a raw needle at summer camp, it seemed like maybe this was a little advanced for a kindergartener but that’s why I’m the auntie and a bad influence. The important takeaway here is that The Parent Trap got a new fan in Gen Alpha (yeah I just googled that) and it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Fresh off watching, this reunion hit a little harder especially because Mer and Chessy are polar opposite characters. One is a gold-digging twat, the other a nanny with a heart of gold. Both clean up well TWENTY-FIVE years later.

Now that we’ve done a full awards season with the Abbott Elementary cast, it’s clear Tyler is into stuntin a look. I fully support any man who wants to step out of the box in the suit department but not into a skirt. Try to spice up formal wear without stealing our bag. Tyler did a gr8 job.

Damn this is sexy without being overtly revealing.

Dig the dark frames on Brendan.

This gown is fishy in a glam way. Bet you’ve never heard those two things together before. Also, ever the one to push my own agenda, now that we’re on the topic of this actress, let’s talk about her role that wasn’t nominated but should have been…Zora in From Scratch on Netflix. First of all, 10/10 recommend if you want to feel like you’ve transported to Italy and also want to cry your eye sockets out of your damn skull, second of all #JusticeForZora who spends the ENTIRE movie bending over backwards to cater to her sister while her sister never once takes a minute to appreciate it or ask Zora if she needs anything. Grazie for coming to my Ted Talk.

Apparently the gown was artfully placed in this shot to cover up her ankle bracelet of the law enforcement variety which is laugh out loud funny to me. Also I think she looks great and wanted to give her a shoutout because everything she wore in Emily in Paris made me literally want to puke in my hands so it’s good to see she can wear normal things.

I’m assuming this jabrones is Italian and if he’s not, I wholeheartedly support the Euro-chic effort here. This is what you would see a gent wearing on a regular day in Florence and it makes me happy. Pastel pink pants, royal blue loafs and a velvet blazer. Pretty much has no place at a black tie event but I like to keep everyone on their toes and toss in one ‘committing to the bit’ accolade. Ciao,ciaociaoCIAOOOOO.

Bold red lip and a pants moment, YES PLZZZZZ.

Sally won a lifetime achievement award, presented by Andrew Garfield which could not have been more random and cringey but she’s werkin this lace gown and looks fab.

You don’t see a lot of pastel purple on red carpets these days and I really enjoy this change of pace. The black contrast is fun and makes it a scooch more edgy.

I have a raging girl crush boner for Meghann ever since she played my favorite character Sutton on The Bold Type and therefore she can do no wrong. She looks like a Grecian goddess.

SHELL YEAH. It’s giving Ariel goes to a black tie event and naturally I’m obsessed.

Metallic and sultry and I’m running out of things to say because so many people looked lovely this evening or maybe I’m just taking a night off from being a judgy lil betch but either way, good job Ana.

I’m torn on this one and I decided to be nice. (Seriously, what’s going on with me?! Am I alright?) I think her hair looks amazing and the color is very complementary to her skin-tone, but the tail’s gotta go. It’s like wearing a table runner tacked to the back of your dress. Has absolutely no business trailing after a sixties party frock like this. But the pony and the perfectly winged liner? OoOohhh YEAH.

I’m about to directly contradict what I said about Andrew Garfield but it wouldn’t be a red carpet blog if I didn’t declare something as Bible and then walk it back just because I liked another celeb better. But it’s JOHN KRASINSKI. Or Kraz, as Will Arnett calls him in his deep raspy commercial voice. Pinstripes and a pocket chain? Kinda rough. But it’s Kraz. He’s such a babe soda. Shh, just let it happen.

Her lipstick matches her dress perfectly and you know I have a weak spot for that. All around looking elegant.

Fun, young and edgy. If my old eyes aren’t betraying me those look like shorts underneath the skirt and nobody ships a skort like me. Functional and you never have to worry about your bits being covered when you’ve got shorts underneath, which is why I still wear bike shorts under all my dresses in the summer. BEND OVER FREELY WITH SPANKY PANTS!

There’s two neon moments that made my best dressed (and one that didn’t, you know what you did, Angela.) Bright colors bring me joy and this is a funky highlighter princess gown.

Austin took a lot of heat for trying to talk like Elvis forever but he can talk in any accent he’d like lookin like maroon sex on a stick.

There’s lots of things that are working here: the long sleeves, the wavy neckline and the matching neon clutch. Also no outfit is complete without a statement hoop. Top contender for best dressed.

Really love this sparkly blush number on Sheryl.

The straight spiky bun is giving me hard flashbacks to me trying to replicate that out of a Seventeen magazine with chopsticks stuck through it. Spoiler alert: my hair type will never be perfect bun with sticks and for that I am sad. Bunz aside, I’m all about this chunky pearl of a dress.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT

No stranger to a best dressed list, Zendaya usually pulls out all of the stops and often has many quick changes throughout the night so she can shove her impeccable sense of fashion down our little peasant throats. A moment of silence for a gown that is covered in intricate satin roses. She looks stunning and she knows it.

Salty Stories

Death & Taxes at Walmart

“The Only Two Certainties in Life are Death and Taxes…and you don’t want to have either event occur at a Walmart.”
Benjamin Franklin, probably

This is a cautionary tale for tax season. A real ‘do as I say, not as I do’ number. And seeing as the general public isn’t as neurotic as me trying to file their taxes before February is over, I’ll be able to save a few of you from thinking the very thought that struck me just a few days ago. And that thought was: should I file my taxes at Walmart? You most certainly should not. And this is why.

I’m a big believer that any Joe Blow can file taxes. Most people fire up TurboTax on their own and if they don’t, they’re just paying someone to enter the numbers from their W-2 into the very same software. Taxes are stupid as hell. They’re in that grand scope of things that I probably should’ve learned something about in school rather than spending several years studying geometry or memorizing the periodic table of elements. Guess how often I’ve used the Pythagorean theorem in real life? I’ll take NEVER for $1,000, Alex. (RIP) And as with anything that I have no knowledge of, I’m happy to pay someone else to do it for me…minus the happy part. The year during Covid when I was unemployed and living with my parents, I took a stab at doing my own taxes and upon answering their little pre-screening questionnaire I was informed by the Turbo Robot that I’d need to purchase the “Full Service” version in order to file. So like everything else in this cruel, cruel world…FREE was a big ole lie. And thus it was back to paying an older gentleman who knows how to enter numbers into a computer hundreds of dollars to type in those lil numbers and tell me that I owe more numbers. Yay! ADULTING!

So, as my first full year in New Jersey comes to a close (and my accountant being a New Yorker), I thought it was time for a fresh start. Last year I had to file federal, New York, and New Jersey. I owed all three, thanks for asking. You know what’s fun about moving out of state mid-year after collecting unemployment and also having an un-taxed side hustle? NOTHIN. NOTHIN I TELL YA. I also had to find a way to send all of my secure documents to my accountant in Central NY who told me email was cool. I know how Nigerian Princes steal your identity, my guy. After googling “secure portals” and texting him a password to access the docs, then paying him and all branches of the government all of my monies, I told myself 2022 was going to be my year. THE YEAR OF THE THICC TAX RETURN! How many times have you read this blog and cackled out loud when I declare that things are looking up for me? Be honest.

For reals though, I was super financially responsible last year. I paid off my student loans, bought out my car lease, managed to hang on to my state job, and hustled as a marketing maven on the side for straight cash, homie. And after the harsh realization that when you don’t have taxes being deducted from a self-employed paycheck, you still have to pay those…I PRE-PAID taxes. That’s right, baby! On four separate occasions last year I cut the IRS a Monsters Inc check. All signs were pointing to a meaty tax return and I was very excited to see those dollar signs cha-ching in front of my very eyes. Did that mean I was willing to pay a lot to file that return? Absolutely not. So when faced with the challenge of finding a tax guy here, I thought, wait a minute…don’t they have a jabroni stationed in the front of Walmart for all of tax season?! If it’s good enough for the people of Walmart, it’s good enough for me! And let me be clear, as I dive in to the stereotypical creatures of Wally World, this is very much coming from someone who loves shopping at Walmart. Those rollback prices *speak* to me and anytime I’m popping in for coffee creamer or dog food, I often find myself perusing the clothes department and leaving with a little treat for myself just for being alive and finding all of the deals. (DISCLAIMER: Even though I’m a woman of the people, I still feel it is my duty to warn you to never go to a Walmart on a Friday night. It’s House of Freaks up in there. I don’t know why Friday night specifically is the “don’t feed them after midnight” crowd but once you happen upon it one time, you’ll never want admission to that circus again.)

Now that we’ve established that I’m not above Walmart, let’s just go ahead and say what we’re all thinking here…there’s no way a tax professional doing business in a pop-up tent 10 paces away from the front door greeter is going to be charging an arm and a leg for filing the return of any commoner who happens to zip on by with their paperwork. And that’s how I found myself making a 4PM appointment on a Friday to file my taxes at the Walmart on 66. It was a little uppity of me to make an appointment but I was immediately humbled when I decided to sneak a return in beforehand. If you’ve ever had the unfortunate luck of visiting the customer service counter at a Walmart, you know that you will wait in a line of no less than 10 people, there will be 1 cashier, and the 3 people in front of you will most certainly always be wiring money to another country with minimal deets and a heavy language barrier. Bonus points if someone gets off line, asks the cashier if they can use their phone and stands at the front gabbing with their friend about how they’re waiting in line. (Shout out to East Syracuse for providing me with that very special experience.) I got there 15 minutes early and after waiting those entire 15 minutes to return an electric can opener that didn’t work, I rolled up to the tax tent right at 4 on the dot. Which meant nothing, as this fella had absolutely no clue I made an appointment and thought perhaps I took a number at the deli counter and it struck me that maybe I should also file my taxes while I’m here.

I’d like to paint a portrait for you, if I may. The man that was behind this blue curtain was quite possibly the most disheveled creature I’ve ever seen. If you had told me that they went out into the parking lot, saw someone living out there and asked him if he would perhaps like to type numbers into a computer, I would’ve absolutely believed you. He had dirt under his fingernails, bruises also under his nails, was wearing many many layers of clothing and had a real chaotic energy about him. Never judge a book by its cover but if we were to be in the book cover judgin game, this one was a scooch concerning. And instead of my internal sirens blaring, I pulled up a chair and handed him a folder of secure information about myself. Classic Salty Ju. I was planning on asking many questions before we kicked things off, one of them being, “how much is this going to cost?” and then I got flustered because stranger human interaction. The website said filing would start at $70 and seeing a number that low on top of the fact that this makeshift office was stationed directly across from a Subway, I anticipated this would cost $100 AT MOST. So I let her rip.

This chooch pawed through my paperwork, licking his fingers and tossing sheets back at me that he “wouldn’t need” at an alarming speed. He then manically starting throwing them in a scanner. We were about thirty seconds in and my papers were strewn all over his desk, dangerously close to his Mountain Dew and grease-stained five dollar foot long. He wrote down my social security number on one of them like he was adding milk to a scrap grocery list on the kitchen counter. Papers were flying as he fired questions at me–Are you filing jointly? Single? Any dependents? Seems like a touchy inquisition for a stranger to ask right on the heels of a holiday full of “my forever valentines” husband and baby Instagram posts shoved down my throat but ok sir, I’ll play along. Let’s just address all of my shortcomings up front: I’m single, I’m sure you peeped my DOB on my license, and I also rent, so no tax break for being a first time homeowner either. We then moved along to the tapping portion of this little sesh where the man with visibly shaking hands aggressively tapped the enter key over and over and over again. Another couple of shoppers lurked near the tent flap and he told them he’d be with them in 10-20 minutes, which is honestly a quicker turnover rate than the customer service line so look at him showing off!

Then we hit a snafu. “Enter” was not being finger-blasted and now he was looking up a number on his cellphone to call from his desk phone. Yeah that’s right, this folding table was decorated with not only an office-grade printer/scanner combo deal but ALSO a landline! If you’re impressed, feel free to take it down a notch by learning that his corporate office screens the Walmart satellite office phone calls. No answer so he called from his cellphone, which was immediately answered. As it turns out, bro needed to phone a friend. The software wasn’t behaving in the home office square footage portion of the entertainment. Through moral support and some more hammering of the ole enter key, we arrived at the grand finale. And wouldn’t you know…I OWE.

I asked him how this could be possible as 2022 was MY YEAR. The year of the juicy return! (And the return of the Juicy sweatsuit. Coincidental? I think not.) Where shall I vacation on my bonus money?! Evidently I should take a little day trip to the bank to make a hefty withdrawal from my savings to pay the gov. The same gov that’s in trillion billion million dollar debt and keeps porking us with inflation as a big bad recession looms overhead. Do I sound bitter? GOOD. I was beside myself at this little revelation that for yet ANOTHER year of just snaking by on two jobs, I’d be forced to fork even more over. My dude obviously did not care that I was about to turn on the waterworks in a Walmart and felt that this would be an ideal time to drop another bomb on me. He confidently declared that I owe that, PLUS the $500 for his services. Ex-squeeze me, hombre?

You mean to tell me that in 15 minutes of rat-a-tat-tatting, you earned FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS?! The math ain’t mathin, homeslice. And folks, it deserves to be repeated (forever and ever times infinity) that he is at a WALMART. Bananas to his left, cashiers on his right, a blue curtain separating me from staring right into the burner phone storefront. I’m sure there’s an actual business name for this little spot but we all know this is where drug dealers and thieves stock up on their un-traceables. My jaw resided on the sticky floor. I’d been bamboozled. By a very unsavory looking character nonetheless. I told him under no circumstances could I afford to shell out $500 for this ordeal and he phoned his friend again to “see what they could do.” Friend of the program said he could lower it to $400. I’m sorry am I in a furniture store negotiating the price of a sofa sleeper or filing my taxes? If haggling is on the table, does that mean I can call up the President of this godforsaken country and do the same for my return? “Sup, Bides! While you were busy spending all my dough on flying spy balloons over China (yea that’s right, we did it too) and taking face-first diggers off your bike, I was working hard and I deserve about 2,000 buckeroos to take a tropical vacay at a time when my skin is translucent and my mental health is below sea level. Thanks so much, babes!”

Since neither the unpolished turd in front of me nor his slimy compadre on the phone would go any lower that four hundo OR give me a direct line to Pres Biden, I knew it was time for me to get the hell out of dodge. For once I could use my ignorance to weasel my way out of this kerfuffle. I recalled that price was never discussed up front and I imagine he saw my income and got creative with the quote, so without agreeing to anything, I didn’t think he could hold me to it and force me to file. I dug my heels in and firmly told him I wouldn’t be completing any transactions today. AKA I squeaked out no thank you while dripping in a flop sweat. He then told me he could put my return on hold and I could come back closer to April 18th because “it’s not like I was getting any money back anyway, so it didn’t matter when I filed.” Thanks for the reminder, Tax Satan. He also pointed out that by then, their price will go down even more. SCAM. SCAM I TELL YOU. He didn’t skip a beat in admitting that they’re gouging lovely people like myself to do about 15 minutes of work but if you wait it out a little longer, they’ll gladly give you a hefty dissy. He should’ve just outright said: Come back in April, bring me a liter of Cola and a fresh pretzel from the Philly Pretzel Factory next to the Patio & Garden department and we’ll call it even, hon.

I gathered my highly sensitive docs that he already had digital copies of (damn you, modern world), my dignity, and moonwalked out of there and right into the Subway where I got a FL Chicken Parm, Baked Lays and a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie. Just kidding, I shamefully scampered past the receipt checker out to my car where I immediately speed-dialed my parents and cried. They told me to get my stuff–especially my social security number back from this hack and call their accountant. Nothing puts the fear of God in olds quite like my generation handing out our social security number like candy. My hopeful visions of skipping out of Walmart with the promise of an Italian Job level payout on April 18th and a cocky “I took care of it all on my own” vibe were trampled to death by a guy who could be mistaken for a meth dealer but apparently was a CPA. So in conclusion, if you’re thinking about boot scootin over to your local Walmarts for some budget-friendly accounting…maybe do anything but that.

Editors Note: Having my own blog has become an unruly monster of an excuse to demand family and friends take my photo wherever we go, because you never know when it’ll apply to a ridiculous salty story I’ve decided to tell and come in handy. I was stuck on what should be the feature photo for this little ditty when I remembered that in 2019, my family and I went to Walmart at midnight on Thanksgiving in our pj’s to mix and mingle with the Black Friday deals. I knew I looked like a trash panda and therefore said SNAP A PIC CAUSE I LOOK EMBARRASSING. And lo and behold, it was the perfect photo for this blog. I also wanted to make the clear distinction that although I’ve gone to WallyWorld in pajamas on many occasions, I was wearing my dressy sweats when I went last week to file my taxes. Had I gone to see an actual accountant I would’ve worn hard pants. I honestly felt like even sweats had me overdressed for the occasion, but I’m self aware enough to not insult the process by wearing Men’s Christmas punchbug fleece jammies for such official business.

Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2023

Welcome back! I feel like it’s important to really emphasize my fashion expertise. I’ve found that my red carpet blogs sometimes get looks from strangers who think they’ve just stumbled upon a lovely roundup of what the celebs wore and instead they’re treated to Joan Rivers reaching up from beyond the grave to punch you right in the face with snarky and critical commentary. So I gotta be candid with you. I put on an outfit yesterday, looked at myself in the mirror and thought wow I should be arrested for looking this good.

I mean come on. From the Men’s Walmart raglan that absolutely doesn’t match, to the swoveralls to the slipper socks, THIS IS FASHION, BABY. I’ve never felt more qualified to do this work. It is my calling to inform the world on what looks good and what doesn’t and then draw conclusions about these people as human beings based on the clothes they’ve chosen to wear for one evening. Please join me on this journey, won’t you?

WORST.

Kicking things off with a bitter bitch take you will feel in your bones. I cannot watch another second of another red carpet with Laverne Cox. Someone needs to put her out of her misery before I throw my TV off of my balcony. This woman does not belong anywhere near a mic in any sort of ad lib profession. It is BRUTAL. When she doesn’t know what to say (always) she just shouts WERK IT. I heard that phrase about 6 zillion times. She stumbles over her questions, she doesn’t know how to fill dead air, she says the same 4 phrases and she rips the mic away to talk when the person isn’t finished. Red carpets are awkward as hell. You have about 15 seconds to get a soundbyte and even the most seasoned hosts can get a cringe interaction. WE CAN NOT BE OUT HERE JUST SENDING ANYONE TO A RED CARPET WITH A MIC. BOOOOoooOOOOOOOOOoooOOOO. And that’s it. I don’t care what she’s wearing. She will land on my worst dressed forever and ever until they get her the hell off my TV. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

This is so caberet and old and boring and WHAT is that amoeba on your neck?! Rita you’ve got a damn bod on you and I don’t want to see it draped in a sequined garbage bag ever again.

What are we looking at here, good sirs? Are those dandelions? Mushrooms? A weird trippy hybrid of both? No gracias.

I have a strong gut feeling that the designer of this dress ripped up the carpet at the Borgata in AC and tossed it on Heidi. I can smell the cig smoke and hear the slot machines just from looking at it.

I am astonished at the amount of work these two pointy tabs of fabric are putting in to keep that rack above sea level. Hot damn, if you zoom in you can see that each side is breaking a sweat from the sheer weight of those bazookas. Ashley, bbgurl, you’ve got a strict thick strap top half, take notes for next year.

Mary, I wanna give this one to you, I do. Who doesn’t love a disco ball dress? And yet, you had to give me all the uncomfies with those cutouts. If you need a bikini wax for your red carpet dress, it’s showing too much. I never want to risk peeping a cesarean scar in an evening gown.

Doja Cat is known for being an edgy fashion risk-taker. She was just at Paris Fashion Week with red crystals glued all over her entire body. So it’s not surprising in the least that her style and my style don’t exactly mesh. Wrapping herself in latex Hefty and having bangs that give me sweaty flashbacks to Jen Lindley in Season 5 of Dawson’s Creek is gonna be a no for me, dawg.

Pornstar Barbie! I’m usually blindly Team Bebe because I’ve seen her shake that magic ass live and I support her ‘F Off For Calling Me Fat, Hollywood’ mentality but I cannot turn a blind eye to this. This is a Hugh Hefner original and we all know what a perv Hef was so we’ve gotta do better than this, ladies.

You may hate my distaste for seeing areolas on a red carpet, but at least I’m equal parts boobie hater. Don’t care what your gender is, a formal event is not a good enough reason for me to see your nipples. I truly from the bottom of my tits, do not understand the obsession with Harry Styles. I had a brief love affair with him in his later 1D years because he had swagger and a sense of humor. And then I grew up. And suddenly Harry goes solo, starts painting his nails and wearing literal clown outfits like this and everyone is SOAKED for him. He’s a subpar singer and dancer at best. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.

I thought we had finally escaped the I got a swirlie before I left the house trend. And obviously as someone that is 99% of the time wearing a baggy onesie, belly buttons out is always gonna be a hard no for me.

Is Jack Harlow committing a heist? What’s with the leather gloves, homeslice? Really killing the Khaki on Khaki vibe here and making that sweater vest REAL creepy. That is a man who wants to hide a fingerprint if I’ve ever seen one.

Gotta be honest it’s been a whole minute since we’ve seen the tried and true vag flap. That was real hot a few years back. Everyone was courtesy flappin their lady parts. And this one, this one is really special. We’ve got a flap AND the luhh-handles cutouts. (I use that term with the MOST sarcasm because there is no handle there, she’s skinny AF.) If this dress wasn’t attacked by scissors, it’d be a home run. But we just HAD to show all of the skin! Insert the deepest eye roll here.

What in the cow fuckery is this, Shania? This is Elmer Fudd meets Cruella. It pains me to come at a queen like Shania, but let this be a lesson to all…no one is safe. Not even the legend who created the most party-startin phrase of all time, “Let’s Go Girls.” I get that she’s having a moment right now. She’s got new music, back on tour again, riding that Harry Styles wave, Queen of the Gays, and yet we don’t need to be going this far. Save the bold wigs for drag brunch and your Vegas show. Strut the Grammys carpet in a classic leopard and call it a day, booboo.

I’ve said it EVERY SINGLE awards show…STOP TRYING TO BRING BACK THE JT & BRITNEY DENIM THROWBACK. It is ICONIC. It will NEVER be recreated. This is stupid and embarrassing. What are those on your feet? JOOTS?! Beat it, nerd.

Speaking of losers. I’m surprised they didn’t come in a conjoined costume with their tongues attached. Here’s another submission where I don’t have a bone to pick with the outfit as much as the person (see: Laverne Cox). MGK is a polarizing personality and apparently he’s taken the temperature of the room and realized everyone finds him insufferable so the persona he tried on last night was humble bumbling idiot. Between him not being able to complete a sentence, and Laverne Cox interviewing him, I nearly dialed 911 to see if they could send an EMT to put my skin back on my body because I had CRINGED OUT OF IT. He was trying to say that he’s just grateful to be able to make music because that brings him joy and awards don’t matter but what he said instead was “I was thinking about things in the car and um…I um…I don’t…” BLOW MY BRAINS OUT. GO AWAY. BOTH OF YOU.

I hate everything about this. The half up half down top knot with the stupid 90’s pieces in the front and the keyhole spaghetti halter. Woooooooooof. You’re a mom now, Paris. Do better than recreating an outfit you probably wore to the club as a teenager.

Selenas is the only singer who can pull off a bedazzled bra and anyone else is just trying too hard. I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them. This is one step up from pasties and it is downright trashy. Sorry not sorry.

I love a bold color and I feel like we definitely didn’t have enough of that last night but I loathe the style of this dress. Hatehatehate, double hate, LOATHE ENTIRELY. It is the 2000’s prom dress and there is no rhyme or reason to the direction of the chiffon or the random lines of beading.

Peplum needs to be brought out back and shot.

It’s giving dad goes to pick up his kids from a high school dance and tries to toss a piece over his work clothes that he thinks Harry Styles would wear.

No. Just no. If Snooki were to win an award at the height of the Jersey Shore in 2011, this is what she would’ve worn and for that reason, I’m out. You sir are one of the richest people for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON as all you do is shout area codes and city names and BLESS UP over other people singing and yet your family shows up to the Grammys in matching Tiger King getups?! Get LAWST.

What was the vision here? Because if it was vagina-shaped crow, then you really nailed it, sista.

This is all-around bad. Miranda looks rough without adding a thrift shop rhinestone bedazzled gown into the mix. Also, not related but kinda related…I texted my sister yesterday that her sham of a marriage to that infant cop who left his pregnant wife for her has already lasted WAY longer than I ever would have predicted and I’m actually mad about it. Either they’re trying to prove a point by staying together or he’s a shell of a human who just rides her rhinestones and hopes she never kicks him loose.

I quite literally almost yakked in my hands at the sight of this atrocity. WHY ARE WE DRESSING A GROWN ADULT MAN LIKE HE’S IN FIRST GRADE IN 1996?! WHAT ABOUT THIS IS OK? I had those socks and those shoes when I was a small child. But even as a stupid 7 year old, I wouldn’t have been caught dead in an embroidered joutfit. Jorts and a joodie? I mean, are we ok here?! I wish I could unsee all of this. But since I can’t, I felt it was necessary to include so that everyone else could suffer with me. Cause that’s what I do best, make others hate their lives just as much as I do. YA WELCOME.

Sic the Yonce police on me but this mixed media foil dress stinks. And the wet hair. UGH. If you were an hour late to the ceremony because you were “stuck in traffic,” there is no excuse for looking like you just hopped out of the shower. Also, not to bring it back to me (but 100% to bring it back to me) I had this hairstyle EVERY single morning for the past 20 years of my life. I’d hop out the shower, flip my head upside down, spritz John Frieda Dream Curls, scrunch and then roll out for school or work letting my sopping wet curls dry at their own pace and however they felt like drying would determine if it was a hair up or down day. FINALLY I have matured. I bought myself a diffuser and a little curl cream and ya girl is learning how to style her naturally curly hair for the first time in her life at age 31. And might I say, on the mornings that I have a whole hour to devote to this process, it is OVER for you hoes. The Salty Ju’s got her Curl Back. Take notes, Bey.

BEST

I was ready to rip this shit and then I was like yanno what? This ain’t that cray. She looks good, there’s no near flashings, good color and it looks like this top part stands on its own, which is like hoods up, regal style. Maybe if I had this contraption my parents wouldn’t have banned hoods in my teen years. So chic.

Smokes with a teal suit. Get it, Gramps!

10/10 for couple coordination. Silver and gold? Adorable.

I’ve razzed this fella’s 70’s schtick before but this is one of his more digestible retro outfits so I’ll give it to him. Grandma’s curtains for sure but no one can deny a set of jazz hands like that.

It’s the women of a certain age uniform but Sheryl looks great and that lil leg pop seals the deal.

White before Memorial Day? Wasn’t me.

I dig Daryl getting after Wednesday Addams with these bold tights and combat boots. She followed the 50+ wears black rule carried a scooch too far at the Golden Globes but made it fresh and funky and her own.

This is playing it real safe but Carly looks good so no harm, no foul.

Lizzo has worn some REAL weird shit and as someone who gets hard for a flower of any flavor, I very much loved her being draped in a red garden here. Sure, it’s obnoxious, but it’s also kind of elegant to be drowning in fabric on a red carpet, makes me think of Bridgerton-esque mating season. You wanna marry me? FIND ME UNDER THE LAYERS OF FLOWERS, DUKE.

I fuck with a coordinated look. Don’t get me wrong, this supporting cast of characters will absolutely give me nightmares. However, Kim and Sam are SERVING here. Veils and pimp hats and canes, oh my!

That is a MF’ing topknot right there. That thing has LEVELS. I’m also into this witchy cloak the Queen is rockin.

That is a jacket fit for a gentleman with the ability to spit straight bars without taking a breathe.

I love the fact that Bonnie came to the show in probably the same sassy blazer and black skinny combo that she’s been struttin for years and walked home with Song of the Year ripping it from all of today’s biggest pop stars. What a boss move.

Not as coordinated as the Rock and his lady but each look amazing in their own right.

Remember when Nelly used to wear a sweatsuit, fitted and bandaid under his eye? HE GROWN. Look at him now! Damn. (No worries…he revisited the good ole days for his performance so never forget he can do BOTH. Sweat AND suit. #tbt)

Red seems to be the color of the night and I can groove with this studded leather set. Plus I actually own that leather hat.

I’d give you a million dollars to guess who this is and there’s NO SHOT you’d win it by guessing Michelle Branch. She hasn’t hit the age threshold for a black dress requirement yet but she looks cool as hell in it. The shades really add an air of Fuck All the Way Off. It’s funny how Pharell’s shades make him look like he gets an Oat Milk Latte every morning and Michelle’s make her look like she’s hungover from closing down the club last night and only showed up as a favor to us all. Sunnies can make a statement, folks. That’s why I have a whole wall of them.

Never love a bare chest but a sparkle bomber is always going to get a stamp of approval from me. And a quarter-zip no less? My lord.

Fat Joe not lookin so fat anymore! Good for you, man. What I am confused about is why this trim, trendy lookin MF’er did not get his 30 second spotlight during the History of Hip-Hop to lean back. Fat Joe WAS Hip-Hop in the 2000’s. To not feature him in that segment is pure robbery. At least his geometric Barbie shades are cool as hell.

I will forever bow down to a Crop Coords Tay. When she rolled out the 1989 era in 2014 and exclusively wore crop coordinates for 2 solid years, I scrambled on out to Target and bought my own set. And you know what’s some real shit? I had the PEAK body for a crop top at this time and I only wore that outfit twice. I should’ve been wearing it to work instead of a drunken night that ended in a gas station photoshoot. Here’s me getting snagged by the paps. TYSM to Taylor for inspiring a movement of upper mid section flashing, making being a girl who doesn’t want to flash all her bits, just as sexy.

What a lovely pink feathery exploszj. It’s a little off-putting that she’s wearing the same motion capture suit they make you wear when they’re turning you into a video game. That floof of soft pink really distracts from it though and all I could think was FUN AND SOFT! (It’s possible I was accidentally overserved this evening…by myself.)

GIMME THIS JACKET, BUB.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Threw you for a curveball here, huh? Apparently all we needed to do was pull Hillary Scott away from Lady A and she’s dressed to the damn nines. I’ve never seen her look this chic. Usually we see the jacket and shorts or jacket as a mini dress angle but full-length tuxedo jacket? Yes ma’am! I find this soft white look with minimal makeup and jewels to be elegant as hell and stood out to me among the rest.

Not at all red carpet relevant but my only tweet from last night that got any attention was this one…

If there’s one thing I can take away from Grammy’s Twitter, it’s that Ben Affleck needs to be rescued.
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) February 6, 2023

And if you need a good, deep belly laugh to get you through this Monday, might I suggest you cruise through Ben Affleck at the Grammys twitter. From just a few photos/video clips, the world gathered that Ben Affleck was basically on suicide watch as JLo’s arm candy and it was the most unexpected goss of the evening. I also happened to stumble upon a TikTok of Ben and Jen at a party and if you read Ben’s lips it looks like he’s shouting “I didn’t have a drink” and then “JEN” and she looks pissed. And to that I say, she should’ve read my letter before she married him. No but seriously though, all jokes aside, I give them 2 years before this implodes. I even texted my sister about it after all the hustle and bustle of last night. So it’s official. My prediction is out in the world and I guess we’ll just have to wait for the text (or the email, on the JLo) when it crumbles. But until then, we will joke about Ben wanting to be at Dunks instead and make more memes of his displeased face.

(Obviously I followed up that psychotic response with a gif of the movie the problem child where the kid is dressed as a devil and laughing, because taking pleasure in other people’s pain is truly terrible behavior. At least I’m self aware.) Here’s some Twitter highlights:

Ben Affleck looks like he’s thinking about the best sandwich he ever ate in his life and then remembering that place closed down. pic.twitter.com/BUC9trJUEb
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) February 6, 2023

Someone please check on Ben Affleck #GRAMMYs pic.twitter.com/W8A5hVb6LJ
— Chicks in the Office (@ChicksInTheOff) February 6, 2023

Ben Affleck during a commercial pic.twitter.com/lzKtdUdfUa
— Queen Anne of Hedonia 🦒 (@MissBeteNoire) February 6, 2023

Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2023

I gotta be completely honest, when the host, Jerrod Carmichael, got on stage and was like obviously last year’s Golden Globes were cancelled because the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is racist as hell and I’m here because I’m black…I was genuinely shocked to hear this information. Not the racism part, the cancellation part. It’s only been a year since they got cancelled and it was as if I was hearing this announcement for the very first time. My brain is absolute mush in my old age. So I guess welcome back, Golden Globes!

I would be remiss not to make the one comment no one seems willing to make that may ruffle a few feathers but what’s a blog for if not to ruffle some feathers. The opening monologue called out the hypocrisy of an association that didn’t have a black member until the death of George Floyd and then hired a black director and a black host for its comeback…and then BAM BAM BAM the first three awards given out went to people of color. And I’m not questioning the talent of any of these actors, but I do wonder how legitimate these awards are when it’s clear the Globes are trying to make up for lost time and stop actively looking racist. The thought HAD to have crossed these actors minds. And that sucks. That’s gotta take away from their win. I knew we were really digging in deep in the ‘let’s show we’re NOT RACIST AT ALL’ front when Taylor Swift, Rihanna & Lady Gaga were all nominated for best original song for a movie and a song called “Natu Natu” all in Indian won. They weren’t even trying to hide it. So anyway, I’m not sure what’s better, an awards show that only awards whites, or an awards show that only awards people of color to make up for only awarding whites. All I know is I support Abbott Elementary getting the recognition it deserves because I haven’t loved a sitcom this much in a VERY long time.

But back to the real reason I’m here, not to drop some uncomfy cultural observations on Hollywood (which is still racist, btw) but to tell you if an outfit is eye-burningly hideous regardless of the gender or ethnicity of the human wearing it, the way God (Joan Rivers) intended.

WORST

Kicking things off with a classic pair of Golden Globes, heyyyyooooo. You knew I had to make that dad joke AT LEAST once and I’m glad I got it out of my system right at the top of the hour. Besides being punched in the face by Salma’s hooters, I think black straps on a nude gown is really tossing a “ma’am your bra straps are showing” trashy vibe out there.

Honestly she had me right up until the bottom and for that reason I’m out.

This is something Samantha Jones would wear to one of her PR parties back in ’97 and even though every woman wants to be like Oh, you like Sex and the City, I’m totally a Samantha, in this case it’s really not something to brag about.

This is a tacky cheap prom dress. The color is horrendous and that flower accented by a spaghetti strap halter top, my lanta.

Clean it up, Jenny.

Tonight’s edition of sparkly Hefty bag.

It’s giving French maid and honestly if you’re going to a major awards show in peak season, this ain’t it. Even if that awards show is on a Tuesday.

Respectfully, no. Head to toe pervy 70’s strip club owner.

Is Heidi OK? What is happening here? This is Vegas showgirl in a sad way, not a fun way. Even her makeup and hair…who did this to you, bbgirl?

Legit question, what is holding this dress up?

We’ve always got a trend that everyone is jumping on for each red carpet and last night’s was all of the fabric. Between big ole skirts and trains and shawls and fabric dragging every which way, it shouldn’t be shocking at all to learn that I hated it.

Do less, God Bless.

Ok, so do less than swaddling yourself in taffeta and do more than wearing lingerie. This should be self-explanatory but celebrities are a whole different animal.

UGH I’m mad about this. She had to scuffle up that mermaid tail and drag it all the way from the cheap seats in the back, thwacking the chairs of A-list celebs along the way to accept her award. I hope this taught Quinta an important fashion lesson that every woman must learn on her own…a mermaid bottom is never the choice.

THERE IS SO MUCH FABRIC.

Ditch the sleeves with rattails, buttercup. They’re stupid. (What I would say if I worked for Selena and she asked me what I thought of this outfit)

Right in line with the mermaid tail, we can tack cupcake bottom to the no-fly list as well. I mean, have I been screaming into the void for 8 years of red carpets now?! IS ANYONE OUT THERE LISTENING?! Unless you’re attending a theme party twirling a parasol, this is not a good enough reason to be dripping in ruffles.

MICHELLE. WHAT THE HELL. YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS.

The sheer shirt and giant fabric flower made my panties dry RIGHT up.

Are you even rich and famous if you show up to a red carpet with the bottom of your dress sopping wet because it dragged through puddles on a sidewalk? I mean, that’s some poor people shit right there. You’ve gotta have assistants SPECIFICALLY paid to carry your train for you. I would have an epic Naomi Campbell meltdown if this happened. Anywho, regardless of her swamp hem, the tank on the left and tee on the right was a no for me. Either let your pits breathe or cover them up. There’s no “either, and” option here.

I’m not going to rip a fresh rant on peplum because you already know what it is. Mermaid, cupcake, peplum. If the style has a stupid name, DITCH IT, MAMA.

Seeing Babyface’s bare chest under his suit coat truly gave me the ick.

BEST

Yes, CHEF.

Had to make a real concession here with that stupid bow but A TWO-TONED TEAL SUIT?! OH, OK.

Oh shit that is fresh.

My obsession with a tie dyed jumpsuit (I own far too many) translated over to this jazzy number and might I also add this pose is cocky as hell. One hand in the pocket, the other showing off your bling. Gonna pose like this from now on, just need some bling.

DAYUMN that body-ody-ody-ody-ody.

Wildly different approaches and I love them both.

Adorbsies lil bump and top bun in a color we don’t see a whole lot of.

Sigourney took a page out of the “older women wear a sleek and traditional black gown” book and it’s a popular pick for a reason. Flattering and timeless.

Great wavy hair, lovely soft pink tone and fun little twist with the lace bottom.

Don’t get me wrong, this falls into the too much fabric category and overall is stupid HOW-EV-ER, to be fair, if you’re going to hop on a dumb trend that you’ll regret in a year, one thing you’ll NEVER regret is showcasing your stemz at their peak. I support this move wholeheartedly. Let those gams breathe! (As it turns out this was the show’s pianist and she probably wore this style so she could have legs free to shove under a piano and pump those pedals but I hope she reads this and knows how hot her legs are and they shouldn’t be hidden under a piano.)

I kinda feel like they did Ana dirty with this picture as it looks like a low angle, which we all know should be illegal. But shocking to no one I would die for this color combo. GIMME ALL THE OCEAN TONES. SUFFOCATE ME WITH THEM. Too far? Probably. Nothing new here.

Another bun/bump duo! Was this a requirement? Hey if you’re pregnant you must also do a top bun to accentuate that you have a BUN in the oven. Get it?! Props for the purple princess gown.

Ohhhh yeah this is FIERCE.

Kinda suprised myself with liking this one because on more than one occasion, I’ve spent weeks getting in my car and discovering new spiderwebs on my dashboard and in my windshield. And I’d clean them off and then come back to more the next day. There’s nothing more terrifying than discovering it’s an inside job but never finding the culprit of these sticky butt-string houses. I seem to be a real magnet for spiders wanting to ride around with me like I’m some sort of arachnid Uber. And every single time it happens I consider setting my car on fire and hoping the insurance covers spider arson. All of that to say, I hate spiderwebs but make a bedazzled spiderweb on a dress and I am SLIVING FOR IT, HONEY.

ADA was here for her role as Marilyn Monroe and she could’ve easily fallen into the Marilyn trope and had those yabbos on display but I respect even more that she didn’t. She went as herself and looks chic AF. (Unlike Kim Kardashian who starved herself then wedged her too big body into Marilyn’s historically famous gown, ripping it along the way, just so she could have a ‘look at me’ moment at the Met Gala. #PeopleDon’tForget.)

I have a real boner for the floral details on this dress.

THIS IS A MOMENT. Hair, makeup, majestic purple glamour all on point.

Obviously all of the love is for that babe soda Glen for wearin’ that suit. The ruffle skirt on his arm candy can die away from me.

I’ve never seen a more perfectly fitted gown.

Jamie Lee spicing up the ‘women of a certain age’ look with some lace

Great red gown and matching red lip. No clue who this is but you nailed it, booboo.

HELL YEA pastel suit from this young chap. Off to a great start with your style career, junior.

Another young’n, (no fact checking she just looks young) in a regal curtain-y dress.

Angela’s been around the block a time or two and knows how to give hand on hip ‘TUDE on a red carpet. I’m afraid to ever be on her bad side and also in awe of her glam. Mission accomplished.

Easily one of my top looks of the night. I really love this eggplant color, not so into the fitted sheet she’s schlepping around but it is what it is. The dress fits her like a glove and that makes up for the fabric ‘splosion accent.

Rocking this alabaster skin with a color like this and pulling it off is almost enough to make me stop baking my skin off in the sun every chance I get to achieve an optimal skin tone for neon colors. Almost.

Honestly Jennifer Coolidge can wear whatever the hell she wants because she’s an icon and was easily the funniest person at the show last night and she wasn’t even trying that hard.

The tux dress is Billy’s signature and I’m down for the magenta version.

A BUMP WITH A BUMP. Ok, I’m not imagining it here, guys. Pregnant women were exclusively told to have one hairstyle on this red carpet and I’m not being dramatic. She literally has a bump-it in her hair. The inconveniently long ribbons pulling behind her are dumb but she makes up for it by stuntin those pockets all over you hoes.

What an all-around fabulous look and another fave of mine from the night.

I don’t make the rules, I just point them out to the world and occasionally laugh at them but for realz every actress above the age of 55 was told to wear a black long-sleeve gown. On the one hand, you can’t possibly look bad in that and on the other hand, I feel like they should be offended that they reach AARP age and suddenly have to dress like they’re attending their own funeral. Regardless, Jean looks gr8.

We’re starting to lose it here, folks. Fun peek behind the curtain that is The Salty Ju, although these blogs are read and appreciated by a very small sample sale of people, I put more effort into them than I do my full-time job. When I do a red carpet I start collecting pictures when the show starts, work on it while I watch, sipping wine to keep me awake past my bedtime, and I don’t finish writing these stupid lil captions until the awards show has concluded. That’s about three and a half hours for the mathematicians at home. And then I wake up the next morning and edit to correct any of my sloppy mistakes before publishing it by 9am. So, next time you make fun of my blog, make sure you laugh extra hard at how many precious minutes I spend crafting these silly words that nearly no one reads. I may devote way too much time to a red carpet but I ALWAYS appreciate a bold floral and lip.

Ending on a REAL high note because if you don’t root for a guy who gives a strong point as his red carpet pose then you must have a giant dump in your pants. This makes me so happy and the cherry on top is that he looks fresh to death while he cocks that finger gun, locked and loaded. Hoping for dubz gunz at the Oscars.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Let the records show that I was a fan of MANY looks on this red carpet (for anyone who dumps all over my harsh fashion dumping…say dump again) but this one stuck with me throughout this very professional fashion critique. Jenna is just twenty years old, a lil baby, and she’s crushing this very mature look. Great color for her skin tone and hair, minimal jewels so as not to take away from her ROCKIN bod. If I could go back in time to 20 years old I would also be poppin my midriff all over the joint. I’d smash my 20-year-old body in everyone’s grillpiece. Cause little known trade secret, your body just gets WORSE AND WORSE with each year that comes until eventually it’s a flabby and wrinkled outershell of what it used to be. Women should be required to take all of the nudes in their early twenties to document that shit. It’s all downhill from there! But I digress. CONGRATS ON YOUR ABS AND BEAUTY AND FASHION CHOICES, JENNA! Proud of you.

Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2022 Edition

It’s 2022, baby! We’ve got about 6 zillion streaming services and FINALLY they’re all making original Christmas movies. We are no longer SHACKLED to a network geared toward the middle-aged female demo making four of the exact same movie starring Candace Cameron Bure each and every year with the grand finale being a Sahara desert dry brushing of lips. We’ve got OPTIONS now! When I sat down to make my list of preferred flicks to watch, I clicked through 174 BRAND NEW original Christmas movies. And from that monster list (shout out Entertainment Weekly), I narrowed it down to a conservative 33 movies as a guideline, adding and deleting along the way. Let the records also show that CableTV.com put out a call for one person to be the “Chief of Cheer,” watch 25 movies in 25 days, submit commentary and get paid $2,000 for their services. I nearly broke my keyboard whipping up a lengthy rambling of a submission PLEADING my case that I’m already the Chief of G-D Cheer and I deserve compensation for it for ONCE. Spoiler alert: I did not get the job. Big mistake, CableTV.com, HUGE.

For anyone who cares, here was my submission that was so unjustly overlooked. I hope everyone at CableTV.com gets coal in their stockings this year.
There’s truly nothing better than pouring myself a glass of wine, snuggling up on the couch in my sherpa-lined red truck blanket, staring at the twinkling Christmas tree in the corner & smashing play on a holiday movie. It is the true meaning of Christmas.

Not only do I enjoy consuming a sleigh-load of holiday movies each year, but for the past 8 years I’ve maintained a pop culture blog (thesaltyju.com) and each year I recap the newest Hallmark & Lifetime holiday movies and share my opinions with the world (whoever stumbles upon my blog.) Considering each streaming network is now competing for who can release more original holiday movies each year, this is quite an undertaking and I feel as though my fervor to watch each one and record my thoughts before Christmas Day is impressive. I’m dedicated to watching overworked corporate girlbosses return to their sparsely populated hometown and fall in love with the local carpenter as they harmonize at the church Christmas pageant that they managed to cobble together after many holiday hijinks, sharing one chaste kiss under the mistletoe as the credits roll. And if I’m that dedicated WITHOUT pay, imagine the effort I’ll put in with a little incentive?!

Even though I make time for 20-30 new holiday movies each year (while keeping Hallmark running in the background as I “work” from home so I can rewatch old ones as well) I always make sure to revisit the classic Christmas movies I grew up on. Each Christmas season *must* include Home Alone (1 & 2), Elf, I’ll Be Home For Christmas, The Santa Clause (1&2), Love Actually, Miracle on 34th Street, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation & The Grinch. Of course, I’ll make room for new classics to be sprinkled into the mix, most recently Netflix’s The Christmas Chronicles has become a fan favorite in my household of one. Kurt Russell gave Santa an edge that we haven’t seen since Tim Allen in the early 90’s and I can always get down with a cool Santa sax solo.

Anyway, as you can see, I’m already crushing it as a Chief of Cheer every holiday season like it’s my J-O-B, so why not get paid for it?! I would LOVE the opportunity to watch Christmas movies and share my feedback with CableTV.com. Thank you so much for your consideration and keep the change, ya filthy animals!

Anywho, back to the matter at hand, Hallmark has really jumped the shark since the aforementioned CCB left and now that the streaming services are releasing their own Christmas movies, pumping a fraction of our ungodly subscription fees into the production value, there really is no competition. That’s not to say I ruled out the OG giants of Christmas (Hallmark and Lifetime), but I will give you fair warning that in the world of streaming cable, you can’t have both. You either get Hulu Live TV with Lifetime or YouTubeTV with Hallmark. There’s a special place in hell for ex boyfriends who cancel their Hulu Ad-Free Live TV that they know you’re using, in PEAK Christmas movie season, without even a courtesy warning. Which is how I found myself scrambling to get a YouTubeTV subscription and therefore had no option but to F with Hallmark exclusively this year (Sorry, bout it, Lifetime.) So without further ado, I’ve divided by network–in alpha order–so you can roll right past the networks you’ve chosen not to pay for (or steal logins for.)

AMAZON PRIME

Something From Tiffany’s

A product of Reese Witherspoon’s production company, Hello Sunshine, the plot of this one is a wee bit of an engagement ring mixup. Ethan gets a big ole rock to propose to his LA girlfriend, Gary gets his girlfriend diamond earrings, their bags get switched and each woman opens up the wrong gift on Christmas day. Except instead of correcting the mixup, Gary goes pedal to the metal and proposes anyway with a ring he certainly doesn’t have the coin to pay for. We all know they have to make the current partner hateable so we don’t feel like it’s cheating when there’s a spark with someone else…but I feel like they went too far here. Gary the tattoo artist is a thieving scumbag. And word on the street is it’s ok to leave your fiance when he’s a poor dirtbag with no morals. This movie was kinda boring overall save for BFF Terri who provides comic relief and rips on the shitty boyfriend, but it’s a nice Christmas in the city story overall. Definitely can tell its got that Reese cashflow.

Your Christmas or Mine?

I guess this one was geared toward the younger crowd as it featured two college students. Ah, to be young and in love at Christmas with a posh accent. Leaning on the “let’s surprise each other” but do it at the same time and completely miss each other trope, James ends up celebrating Christmas with Hayley’s family in one town and Hayley ends up suck with James’ dad in another. Obviously neither one has told their family about the status of their relationship because they’ve been dating basically five minutes. Secrets are revealed, families are the worst, and the ONLY time I chuckled was when Hayley’s family shows up at James’ mansion (he’s a Lord) and make a comment about how she could’ve pulled a proper Meghan Markle. Otherwise, this movie is a dud and you couldn’t PAY me to spend a holiday with a brand new sig oth’s family WITHOUT THEM THERE. Pure torture.

CBS

When Christmas was Young

This is primetime. The big leagues. This movie premiered after 60 Minutes! What a lead-in. You know it’s good shit when it’s getting the Sunday night feature like it’s awards season. Happy to report it did not disappoint, especially since it was the last movie I viewed this season and I already had quite an ear full of “original Christmas songs” that made me want to scoop out my ear drums with a butter knife. With Sheryl Crow as an EP, you can trust the music will be legit and it sure was. Luke Dawson (hot name) is a doucheroni country music agent who gets fired and his last Hail Mary to keep his biggest client is to get the rights to a song written by Melody. Tale as old as time, Melody shows him the charitable and family side of Christmas so he stops being such a turd and Luke repays her by giving her song away anyway so he can keep his job. All’s well that ends well though, obviously in song. I really don’t have a lot of snark for this one because it followed the holiday movie formula to a T and it didn’t have any weird actors overdoing it in the background or terribly cringetastic scenes. Round of Applause for the Canadians here, they know how to make a solid Christmas movie.

GREAT AMERICAN FAMILY

Catering Christmas

Molly is the chipper go-getter of a business owner trying to land a catering job for a rich family and Carson is the privileged nephew photographer of said family who has a boner for her. This movie was the equivalent of a Christmas cutout sugar cookie, sweet and basic. No major conflict, no exes to get rid of, and even when Carter had to pick going to Milan over staying in his hometown to be chairman of the family biz, it was *very* anticlimactic. Bonus Points for an opening scene of Carson sneaking up on his aunt and taking a picture of her before even saying hello…stalk, much?! And a suuuuper random side love story between the butler and the aunt that escalated very quickly. We went from sidelong glances to a proposal in RECORD speed.

HALLMARK

Haul Out the Holly

Holly’s parents run the neighborhood Christmas festivities every year and basically have been ruining her Christmas since she was born because instead of getting to open presents at home she has to be free labor for their festival. Less than 5 minutes into the movie we’ve got a “I’m not happy in this relationship” and Holly will be returning home for Christmas with her overachieving parents. Except this bitch has the worst parents in the world. Like someone commit these two clowns to a mental institute. Who invites their daughter home and is like, “Bye babes, Happy Christmas we’re moving to Florida right now! Sorry about your breakup, please watch our giant house and make sure it’s decorated up to HOA code!” There are no redeeming qualities to this movie as everyone is rude and weird & sketchy and she’s an ADULT. Say no and get the hell outta there! And the lead male HOA president nerdbomber is a fucking loser. I don’t care if he’s an architect, he’s giving citations for not having a porch nutcracker, someone needs to give him a swirlie and then stuff him in a locker. And OF COURSE he plays the guitar. Extra cringes for the classic bludgeoning of an all-time great Rom Com line with: “Just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to be Santa.” WOOF. MAKE IT STOP.

A Cozy Christmas Inn

I only stomach’ed like 45 mins of this and I was barely paying attention but I knew the minute I heard two old biddies in a town with a stupid name say “Believe in the magic!” that this was very much not the movie for me. I dig Jodie but we all have to have boundaries and a movie where Santa is the main hunk’s dad is mine. I don’t know exact plot deets here but I know Andy is the ex and Erika is there to buy his B&B leading to the often predictable “PROMOTION OR LOVE” decision…but with lots of twinkle sound effects and lines like “stop listening to your head and start listening to your heart!” From someone who thinks exclusively with her heart this is BAD advice from the friend of the program. Extra cringies for Erika asking Santa (Andy’s dad) for Andy for Christmas. I almost puked in my hands typing that. And it wouldn’t be a “one of a kind town” without annoying AF side characters trying to bring main character energy. I don’t care about your small town life in Garland, old diner people, kick rocks.

Christmas Class Reunion

As a Julie Taylor fan (yes I’m using her character name instead of her real name) I had high hopes for this one. She’s cute, the lead guy is a babe, what could go wrong?! Everything apparently. The opening scene is a complete rip of the Carrie pig’s blood dumping but Hallmark style. Then we fast forward 15 years later to all of these goons and where they are now. The over-acting in this one is next level and the way that each character acts like where they are in life is the END OF THE WORLD. (I was unemployed and moving back home right around the time my high school reunion took place so let’s cool our jets with pretending life sucks when you’re all gainfully employed.) The couple that was soooo in love in high school is separated now (color me shocked) and is hoping the reunion would spark their magic again. Since Hallmark isn’t about showing divorce, I think we can safely assume nostalgia will trump couples therapy in the end. None of these fools have talked to each other in 15 years but doesn’t stop them from acting like they’re besties when they’re reunited and also I HAVE A BONE TO PICK. When will Hallmark learn to fill the coffee cups with at least water so everyone stops tipping obviously empty cups toward their dome piece and pretending to sip. Shout out to random unnamed co-worker of Julie Taylor for the most memorable line of the whole damn thing, “They’re saying it’s a federal investigation…as in the FBI!” Oh, is that what that is?!

#Xmas

Jen runs a home decorating shop with her sister and makes lil videos and Max is her BFF from college who helps photograph and film her. They decide to enter some sort of HGTV knock-off celeb couple contest for influencers posing as a married couple with a baby. Obvs they become finalists and let me be the first to say this Hally threw me for a loop. It didn’t really follow the formula and everyone pretty much hated Jen for most of this movie. Her mom, Max who has been in love with her forever with her friend zoning him HOARD. Jen was not a fan favorite and not to pile on but she still hasn’t gotten any better at doing an American accent since her days starring as Scarlett on Nashville. But as we’ve learned, if anything can make you stop being an asshole, it’s Christmas…and also pretending to be your nephew’s mom on a stage in front of tons of people when he says “mama” for the first time and he ain’t talkin to you. Pro Tip: If you want to make this movie more fun, drink every time Jen pops into “influencer” voice and worry about the future of our youth who live in influencer voice 24/7. For realz, I saw a middle schooler prop her phone on a shelf at Wegmans and start doing a dance in the aisle. #We’reAllFucked.

A Tale of Two Christmases

It’s on me that I didn’t read the description (or the title) with any sort of common sense and still chose to watch this. I can’t get down with groundhog day or magical alternate universe movies so as soon as Santa “granted a Christmas wish” and the clock stopped working I knew I was screwed. Not only that, but I was confused. When this parallel Christmas first started I had no way of telling which was which. I guess what I’m trying to say is I think I’m finally too stupid for Hallmark? Also ain’t that some shit that you tell some fat guy ringing a bell that you “just want something to work out for once” and you get to live out two Christmases to let you know which man candy to choose and how to crush it at your career. WHERE’S MY FAT MAN?! I’d love an insider tip, homeslice. I want to help my middle school bully sensually strip his chunky knit Christmas sweater off after declaring it’s hot in here! Anyway, no spoilers but Emma’s Christmas with fancy lawyer Max and her promotion to lead architect ends up being a real disaster and as it turns out moving home to Vermont and starting a biz with her dad and smooching the guy she grew up with is THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS. “You know I’m not perfect, right?” “You are to me!” AWWWWWGagggmylifeawayAWWWW.

HBO MAX

Holiday Harmony

Homeless chick Gail drives around the country in a van and does open mics, but she’s keeping her followers up to date on the journey which is high key obnoxious to watch her be an influencer who can’t afford an apartment but can afford to overshare. And wouldn’t you know her van/home gets totaled by a goat or something on her way to LA for her big break. The man, the myth, the legend, JD McCoy (clearly the Friday Night Lights characters are a HIT in the Christmas movie scene), is the mechanic who will fix her van and then make it rock if ya know what I mean, WINK WINK. Not gonna lie, grown up JD was doing it for me in this movie and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Sure, the movie took an emotional turn that I wasn’t prepped for but we got a sex scene. HELL YEA. HBOMax has no rules and I DIG IT. Unfortunately that’s immediately followed by children singing which is a big HELL NO. Overall dece movie but I’d be remiss not to shine a light on the worst part…the hispanic actress that I saw in THREE movies so far this year and she was playing a loud obnoxious caricature in all three. Was she running a special on “annoying over-animated screecher” as a character?! I was mega embarrassed for her every time she graced my TV this year.

A Hollywood Christmas

Jess is directing a Christmas movie about a lawyer shutting down a bakery and as it’s shooting, Christopher, a finance bro from the network, comes to shut down the Christmas movie division, Omg SO meta. A few minutes later I discovered that Jess’s assistant has a cartoon baby voice that made me want to blow my brains out and I PRAYED that her speaking role would diminish as this flick progressed. That was my one Christmas wish this year. And that Christmas wish was quickly shattered because this girlie was basically a main character flapping that squeaker of hers to point out all of the ways in which Jess’s life was playing out like a Christmas movie. It certainly didn’t help matters that I was already cranky and starving as I watched this movie on my colonoscopy prep day. The treat your real life like a Christmas movie WHILE filming a Christmas movie that has almost the same plot all voiced by lil miss helium pipsqueak was a hard no for me. I paused it several times and it took everything in me to finish it. Then it ended on a musical number to really seal its fate as worst movie ever. PS: STOP TRYING TO MAKE THE “IS DIE HARD A CHRISTMAS MOVIE” ARGUMENT CUTE FLIRTY DATING BANTER. IT IS NOT.

HULU

Merry Kiss Cam

Jess (clearly a hot name choice this year) is an artist and Danny owns a hockey bar that was passed down from his dad. Danny is also the hottie from Bring It On and dayumnnn he aged well. Anyway, the initial attraction between these two crazy kids is they both are adults who eat snow. And honestly I can see that being listed as a kink on a dating profile. “We’re the same kind of weird if…we both eat snow.” I really need to get off of the apps. But I’ve got nothing but love for this movie. I liked both of the leads, they had the most adorable couple banter and I love a good falling in love montage, which this gave in the form of smooching at college hockey games so they keep up their winning streak. My only snarky comment is that I wish she would’ve gotten those godforsaken bangs out of her eyes. If anyone is on the fence about cutting bangs, watch Jess spend the entire movie pushing them back so she could actually use her eyes while painting.

My Christmas Fiancé

This was so bad that I honestly double checked to make sure it wasn’t a parody and I didn’t fall for it. As it turns out, the creator of this movie was serious and for that I am so sorry. When the movie started and we were getting artsy shots of food in a prep kitchen I thought wow, these TV movies are really trying to make it to Cannes these days. But then as I kept watching it became clear that there is no shot this wasn’t a student-made film. Besides the next level bad acting that reeks of volunteers from class, the camera was constantly moving like a dad behind a camcorder. At one point, a waitress comes into the kitchen probably trying to do a different accent then her own and goes, “what are you guys doing here” and I swore I was losing my mind and/or tripping on shrooms because I thought somehow my TV switched to slow motion cause it took so long for her to get that sentence out. And the CHERRY ON TOP is that this abomination to the term movie actually had a recognizable name in it with Denise Richards. I watched the whole damn thing and I still have no idea what Denise Richards’ role was other than to pop up and watch the main characters cr33p style or say a few incoherent words here and there. I don’t think even she knew she was on a movie set. She probably thought it was for her OnlyFans. I would say skip this movie but I also kind of want someone else on this earth to have gone through the torture that was watching it so pls report back so we can commiserate.

LIFETIME

Steppin into the Holiday

Billy Holiday gets fired from his dance show with his wife (IRL) because what is a holiday movie without Mario Lopez’s entire family making a cameo. He goes home for the holidays and sees an opportunity to keep twirling with his nephew’s dance teacher Ray. It may be disrespectful to critique the children in movies but this one deserves to be knocked down a peg or two. Billy’s nephew is the most annoying little shit in the history of annoying little shits. He’s a TikTok dancer who thinks he’s going to be famous so he stops studying at school so he can record himself shimmy shaking. As my sister and I noted out loud anytime he graced the screen, “what a cocky little fuck.” Besides CLF, the aforementioned obnoxious side character actress from Holiday Harmony also plays Billy’s sister (annoying shit’s mom, go figure) and gives off a REAL weird sibling energy. It goes from immature to flirty real quick when she tells him they should wrestle for the bed closest to the door. It gave me all of the ickies. Thank GOD for Cheri Oteri popping in throughout for a much-needed case of the giggles.

Cloudy with a Chance of Christmas

No. Just, no.

NETFLIX

Falling for Christmas

Sierra is a rich, spoiled asshole with an obviously gay influencer boyfriend Tad. Mid-proposal, they both fall in an avalanche or something equally as ridiculous and Jake, the small resort owner that’s about to go under, claims Sierra because she doesn’t remember who she is. Since they had a not so pleasant run-in while Jake was asking Sierra’s dad for funding to stay afloat, I thought we were watching an Overboard remake where Jake was going to punish Sierra by making her live like a commoner and learn the value of a dollar. But it turns out this guy is really dumb enough to not remember someone yelling at him one day prior and had no clue who she was until the end. There’s a magical Santa that plays absolutely no role in the greater plot other than appearing with sleigh bells music every once in a while and giving a creepy smile. Most importantly, we are served with the most horrible hair in the history of men’s hair that I was so disgusted by I got right up on my TV and rewound to snap some pics for proof.

IS HE PULLING THAT FACE BECAUSE HE CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF HIS OLE PLASTIC HEAD ASS IN THE MIRROR?! BOOM. ROASTED. Shout out to my girl LiLo for a solid comeback and one of the few somewhat enjoyable movies this year.

Christmas with You

If I had a dollar for every time I typed the sentence “this is next level bad” into my notes app during a holiday movie viewing, I’d be able to afford the houses that all those cool kids my age are getting. Angelina is a popstar who needs to write an original Christmas song for her label and Miguel is a music teacher whose daughter is obsessed with Angelina and makes a TikTok that she notices. And that’s how two sassy ladies (Angelina and her comedic relief assistant) end up hitting up a 14 year old and her old ass dad for inspiration. Seriously, there’s no planet where I believe this hot tamale of a popstar is getting sucked in by a 46 year old man. Oh shit, nevemind, I just IMDB’ed her age and she’s 44 proving the theory VERY wrong that men age better in this scenario because I thought for sure this chick was 30 tops. Hand up, I judged the age difference here and there is none. Whoopsie. Anyway, it still doesn’t justify a very sensual dough-touching scene for these two to have while the rest of the fam makes ‘let’s get it on ‘eyes at them, INCLUDING THE TEENAGER… CRINGE MY LIFE AWAY. Unfortunately, this was also hands down the worst original song I’ve ever heard and that’s saying a lot considering I watched the Netflix original Purple Hearts where they pounded their original ditty into your brains by performing it 16,000 times. She even switched into Spanish for a hot second too so this song could blow in two languages! Feast your ears on this fiery hot garbage that somehow even fictionally got a slot on SNL. IS LORNE DEAF?!

The Noel Diary

My mom and I sat down to watch this one together and I had to run an errand and she asked if she should pause it. I told her I’d catch up. Came back with a half hour left and had the whole thing figured out so I guess I’m not too dumb for Netflix, which is comforting. This movie is obviously made for moms all over the world who think Justin Hartley is charismatic and dreamy. I’m not sellin what he’s buyin, so I could really judge this movie without falling for his movie star smile. Leaning a little more on the dramatic side, Jake goes back into his family history after his mom dies to reconnect the maid with her long-lost daughter who he obv can’t resist. My bone to pick here is that this girlie full-on cheats to be with him. Clearly no one at Netflix is doing their research cause that’s a hard no in holiday movie-land. You don’t cheat, you just emotionally connect with someone better and then your partner does something horrible and inexcusable and you don’t have to feel guilty that you don’t actually love them. DUH. But don’t ask me what I think of this movie, ask my mom who was sobbing on the couch as the credits rolled.

I Believe in Santa

Magazine writer Lisa says the word wiener to her boss within 5 mins and I was sold…until I laid eyes on Tom. This is the creepiest male lead I’ve ever peeped and I am not exaggerating when I say that this guy would be much more fitting for a serial killer / stalker role in a Lifetime movie. How quickly it can go from wiener jokes to the cringiest movie alive. Lisa hates Christmas and Tom is so obsessed with it that he should be on a watchlist. Then she discovers he genuinely still believes in Santa and judging by her sticking with him in the end, they probably both could benefit from therapy. As much as this movie gave me the uncomfies every time Tom’s face graced the screen, what really jammed my glock was the way Netflix was trying to hide deeper lessons about religion, race, and humanity into arguments about Santa. That was more than I was willing to learn from a low budge Christmas flick. Not trying to contemplate the existence of God in my pjs while I wrap Barbie’s on a Saturday morning, guys, so let’s cool our jets here. I do suggest taking this one for a spin if you’d like to have nightmares that feature Tom’s terrifying face for the foreseeable future.

Salty Stories

Bend Over and I’ll Show Ya

I haven’t written a probably *too* personal essay in a while and what screams “holiday season” quite like some buhhole talk? As I’ve divulged before in blogs here and there, I’ve had stomach problems my entire life. Self-diagnosed as IBS, I’m either going an alarming amount of time without pooping or I’m having an emergency mad dash before you crap your pants situation. There is no in between. Hence, why I’ve pooped my pants 3 times as an adult. After years and years of trying different pills and powders and probiotics. Eating more fruit, drinking more water…you’ll recall what a big pile of nothing that did for me. Keeping a food diary. Wearing a diaper. Just kidding. It hasn’t gone that far although I have seriously considered it on days when my cheeks never leave the seat. Oh how nice it would be to just be able to go while I lay on the couch or run errands. And then I’m hit with the cold harsh realization that festering in your own poop as an adult is not something to daydream about. So after 30 years I finally decided my PCP telling me to “try to work more fiber into my diet” wasn’t cutting it and scheduled my very first appointment with a gastroenterologist. I was excited and hopeful to find a solution that didn’t involve removing cheese from my daily intake. As a firm believer that life without cheese is not a life worth living, I was prepared to tell any doctor that suggested that right where they could stick that suggestion.

I scheduled my appointment with a female GI (sure, I’ll share my poop stories with the whole world, but talk to a male doctor about them face to face? YUCK.) and made a detailed list of the years of trials and tribs that I wanted to share with this specialist to be thorough and make sure she knew my butthole inside and out to give me a proper diagnosis. Within 2 minutes she had diagnosed me with IBS-C (for constipation), told me she didn’t need to hear all of the things that I’ve tried as this is very common, touched my tummy for about 45 seconds like I was the Pillsbury dough boy and slid over a prescription for Linzess. Big Pharma, baby! Why get to know your patients when you can just push the latest expensive drug that you’re getting a kickback on? I asked if it made sense to maybe do a colonoscopy to rule anything more serious out and was met with a hard no because I’m not shitting blood. Mmmk, doc. Drugs it is. I was warned that these pills could cause cramping and diarrhea “at first.” Not knowing what the scientific definition of “at first” is, I went an entire week spewing out of my blowhole. 7 days and 7 nights of explosive diarrhea. For anyone who’s opinion is “better out than in”, you obviously have never almost busted down your bathroom door Kool Aid Man style to make it to the toilet in time once, let alone every damn night. When I finally got ahold of the nurse (several days of phone tag later), I was told to take a lower dose of the drug. Guess what the lower dose did? The same damn thing. Order up! One more week of Hersey Squirts, coming right atcha! I kept a note in my phone of the happenin’s of my bowels. Here it is for your entertainment. If you laugh out loud at the word diarrhea like my sister and I do, you’ll enjoy. If you’re a grown up who doesn’t enjoy potty humor…what are you even doing reading this blog?

As someone who’s never desired to have a remote office from the commode, it was time to lay down the law. No more Ms. Nice Butthole. (How many times can I insert butthole into this story? The limit does not exist.) I ditched this doc who clearly didn’t give a shit about me and went for a recommended GI. Unfortunately, this one was a man and I was forced to face my fear of letting a male doctor all up in my biz. Obviously I was really desperate for solutions other than taking expensive laxatives on the daily. The good news is this doctor actually did care, the bad news is caring also means a full examination with a side of casj butthole fingering. After some light getting-to-know-you conversation, my new doc showered me with compliments about how I’m too young to be having these sorts of problems. He also added in that I’m beautiful and look just like Sophia Loren. I would’ve preferred a movie star from this decade but who am I to split hairs when I’m being complimented for my youth and natural beauty? And then he told me to pull my pants down just enough so he could have access to my “sphincter” and jammed his digits right up in there. WHAT A TACTIC! Lubricate the patient with a healthy dose of flattery before literally lubricating your gloved fingers and diving right in. So now I’ve got a new life motto: if you’re going to wedge your fingers in my asshole, at least tell me I’m pretty first. Stick THAT on a t-shirt. The downside is that after ole poop fingers finished the exam, he announced “you’ve been pooping wrong.” Ex-squeeze me? Is there a wrong way to poop? Jury’s still out on that. His reply was inconclusive but he did recommend using my Squatty Potty more, which has become a real chore in such a tiny bathroom. Hopefully by my 32nd year I’ll have learned how to poop. He also pressed on my stomach and goes, “hmm, full of gas.” DON’T I KNOW IT, DOC. I’ve had a slow gas leak since ’91. My work from home days are scored by a steady symphony of toots that my dog has learned to sleep through. But I digress…the Doc then shoved me a paper towel and told me I wouldn’t want to go to the grocery store after this and have everyone see it all over my pants. I don’t know what “it” was but mopping up my backside with a Brawny post-plunder while he watched was truly a humbling moment for us all. I was forced to overcome my fear of male doctors and butt stuff all in one appointment. Baby’s first rectal poke was almost as traumatizing as the time my gynecologist gave me a pap smear with my jean skirt still on. ALMOST.

New doc told me to start from scratch with over-the-counter remedies for 2 weeks and report back. So every day I was taking 2 stool softeners, fiber powder 2x a day and Miralax 2x a day. My insides probably looked like this:

True to my Type A personality, I created another list to keep track. This one didn’t have as many “diarrhea” notes but after a few dicey days in my office with a plumbing system created by the original settlers of New Jersey and an incident where I was driving to meet my friend for brunch and dared to sneeze and nearly had a real messy poopsie daisy, it was safe to say the concoction of powders weren’t helping matters either. I’m genuinely shocked I didn’t shart once during this two month period of GI experimental diagnoses. When I went back in for my follow-up, it was clear that the next logical step was to do a colon invasion and rule anything major out. AKA the thing I suggested on the very first day of seeing a specialist. But what do I know. On the spot, my doc suggested the day before Thanksgiving for my colonoscopy. I was weary but he assured me that this was the BEST time to do it as I’ll go into the holiday empty and ready to fill up on turkey. Since he’s the expert, I agreed, mostly just wanting to get it over with. My plan to pregame turkey day with a colon cleanse went sideways when I realized that I didn’t have one soul on this earth to drive me to said colonoscopy and also I would have to make the 4.5 hour trek home for the holidays in the same day. For someone who feels the effects of NyQuil a full 12 hours after taking it, I assumed the hard stuff they give you to go lights out would probably render me disabled. Unfortunately, I didn’t come to this realization until I was halfway through the prep day of fasting. With a belly full of chicken broth, STARVING, and sobbing on the couch because I’m 31 and don’t have a huz to take care of me and my b-hole, I had to reschedule the procedure for a time when my parents could come into town and take me. #RockBottom. I obviously coped by driving straight to McD’s and shoving a mcchicken, cheesburger and medium fry down my gullet as fast as my body would allow. If I could have injected it right into my veins, I would have.

Finally, the day had arrived for the real deal with my dad traveling in to be my escort to this very special occasion. I knew the hell that I was in for as fasting from 8AM to 1PM the last time nearly sent me to my grave. Everyone told me my insides vacating my body would be the worst part of the process. Joke’s on them because that shit’s a walk in the park for me, literally. I’m prepped for a probing on a regular Wednesday by the amount I’m rushing to the potty. The ACTUAL hard part is the liquid diet. As a big believer in three full meals a day and snacks every hour, fasting is very much not for me. I am a shell of a human when I skip my mid-morning snack and have been known to get the shakes or even pass out in the shower when my blood sugar is low. I used to bring snacks into gym class with me in high school. Needless to say, by lunch time I was in DESPAIR. My dad was on his way into town and when I told him not to call me again on his drive as I’ll be putting myself down for a nap because I can’t bear to be awake and not be eating, he reminded me that there’s people who feel like this every day and to put it into perspective. Dear ole dad always knows just what to say to comfort me. Because as I’m considering what Charlee’s dog chow would taste like, my stomach growling ferociously, thinking of starving homeless people really gave me the reality check that I needed. NAHT. I was able to snooze through the afternoon dreaming of hot dogs and cheese fries and woke up at dinner time to begin the real treat, my toxic sludge that would stir up quite the poopstorm. Always looking for a way to make laughs out of a grim sitch, I made a video of me mixing it like a cocktail.

@thesaltyju
iykyk. #hotgirlshit #literally #gorgeousgorgeousgirlshaveibs #colonoscopyprepday
♬ busy doin girl –

Then I took my first sip of the 64 oz I was supposed to consume over the next hour and the joke was very much over. Opting out of the additional lemon flavor so as not to feel like I was downing Pine Sol for an entire evening, this cocktail tasted like metal and oOoh baby she was thicc. I was not expecting that consistency and almost projectiled it straight across the room. Things started moving almost immediately and I was shocked at how easy breezy this process seemed. That was until the taste of this bevvy clung to my mouth for the rest of the evening and made me the most nauseous I’ve ever been. When it came time to finish that MF’er, I would’ve rather drank actual poop than saddle up for another half gallon of this poison spritz. I gagged down the first few sips of round two and ran to the can at lightning speed. From 10pm until 1am, I was the queen ogre of my swamp, sitting atop the porcelain throne, taking gulps, feeling those gulps immediately blast through me like hot lava and dry heaving into the sink whenever I reached the last sip of the cup. It’s important to note that I’ve never been the gal who could just toss a shot down the hatch without tasting it. Everything takes a spin on my taste buds before cruising on down my throat and I hated it when I was doing shots of warm Svedka in high school and I hated it even more on this particular night. By some cruel twist of fate, the second half of the gallon was like a bottomless mimosa pitcher…if mimosas tasted like lighter fluid. Every time I thought I was pouring the last glass, by pure magic there were 3 more glasses still left. After tossing the last few drops down the drain because I physically couldn’t do it, I crawled into bed, wrapped my shivering body in flannel sheets, only to have to bolt back to the bathroom several more times throughout the night and again as soon as I woke up. And twice more after I showered. And again when I got to the doctor the next morning, clenching the whole car ride there. I THINK THE GALLON PLUS 4 LAXATIVES WAS OVERKILL, DOC.

The next morning I dressed to impress in my most festive sweatsuit. Just because I was about to be violated doesn’t mean I couldn’t stunt on em with a lewk. I requested my father take a before and after pic. It took three tries for him to get my sick ‘fit AND my head in the same shot. It’s important to note that my dad is not here for the nonsense. He’s here to call me a baby bitch and roast me for how long it took me to choke down that half gallon and remind me of my privilege when I tell him I might die of hunger.

Lucky for me, the Home Alone jumpsuit was much appreciated and complimented at the doc’s office. More importantly, it added quite a sassy accent to the paper shorts they told me to hop into pre-procedure. What a fashion statement those bad boys are and tearing a hole in the crack for easy access was the cherry on top.

After the exorcism of my bowels and gag reflex for 12 + hours the night prior, the probing itself was really just a solid nap where ripping farts immediately afterward was not frowned upon. As I recounted the tale later that day to my mom, I told her how embarrassing it was for me when they walked me in my ripped paps shorts through the open waiting area to get to the room where I could eat my little snackie. My dad quickly interjected to share that under no circumstances did they walk me out with my buhhole flapping in the breeze but rather wheeled me out with my eyes half shut. I guess that was some good shit they gave me. Not as good as the paper shorts, tall red buffalo check socks and white high-top sneaks combo that I was rocking. Woo baby, I looked HOT. Again, I demanded Den document this peak babe moment for me so I could immediately upload it to Hinge to lure a lifetime mate and natch dear ole dad left the footwear completely out of frame. Maybe one day he’ll learn that my life is merely lived for others to laugh at me and HOW CAN OTHERS LAUGH AT ME IF IT’S NOT DOCUMENTED PROPERLY?!

So I survived my first butthole invasion and I’m here to share the gory deets for any fellow ladies who also have IBS and have been avoiding getting this procedure done like the plague. If I can do it, so can you. To all you regular poopers, I envy you and your ability to just shit on command. But your time shall come…it might not be for another 20 years, but everyone must succumb to the anal plundering (of the medical variety, I’m not here to kink shame) at some point. As for me, my colon was clean as a whistle and therefore I face the cold hard truth that since there’s nothing “wrong”, I’ll just have to continue with the alternating belly full of rocks and surprise trots when I least expect it forever and ever until I DIE. So the butthole saga continues. And remember, Gentlemen, I am available. 😉 I may not know how to poop, but at least I’ve got jokes!

PS Special shout out to my dad for driving 5 hours through the snow and the rain to put up with my dramatics. And also for picking up the tab on this juicy life-changing steak that I mowed through at record speed. I told you, girls gotta eat!

The Salty Ju

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