Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Stop the World (And Let Me Off)”

Last week Juliette asked a probably unlicensed doctor to show up at her hotel room and shoot her up with illegal drugs and as you might have predicted, she comes to looking like a bag of assholes. Apparently looking at her roughsicle face in the mirror is enough of a scare tactic to whip her back into shape as she flushes more drugs and lets her husband know what her new number is. Of course she sends a little texty-text around the same time that Avery is finally signing those divorce papers. Unrelated side note: Hey Avery, you’re a single dad…maybe time to do away with the college dorm poster of DMB on the bedroom wall. Anyway, Juliette also calls Emily and leaves a monotone shitty apology on her voicemail. Neither of them responds to her outreach so naturally Juliette assumes her phone is broken, a logical conclusion from a really terrible human being. Also I would like to add that the only scene Cadence is in tonight, she is wailing at an ear shattering level. I’m sorry, that was far too kind of me, my actual note from the episode read, “IN BREAKING NEWS, CADENCE IS F***KING CRYING!” I find that my note in the moment more properly portrays that this baby is the worst one on this planet.

Something that actually entertained me on this show—I know, it’s been awhile since I’ve been able to truthfully admit that—was the return of the Maddie & Colt saga. Their once incestual teenage love has survived an almost marriage of their parents, Deacon walking in on them canoodling and now they’re forced to go through the toughest obstacle of all, Colt’s shitty hair. It’s like, I understand what Colt is trying to do with his long, messy locks, but then at the same time I’m angered by the way he clearly tried to copy Tim Riggin’s sex hair and yet failed so miserably. Ugh, I could seriously puke over his hair all day but I guess it’s important to note that Maddie must actually be turned on by his hair identity crisis—maybe it’s the absence of his usual backward hat? —Anyway the two of them jet off to catch a Luke Wheeler show and sneak some sex times. Luke leaves these two horndogs alone for like 2 seconds and Maddie pounces on Colt just to be like LETS NOT RUSH THINGS.

In her time of need, as most young girls usually do, Maddie thinks, WWJD, and turns to someone who makes nothing but the best decisions in her life, Juliette, of course. Juliette shows her how to cut loose by doing some lines in her dressing room, JK she invites Maddie onstage for a duet of Telescope. They’ve got kind of a Pistol Annie’s vibe and I’m diggin it but Rayna obv will not. Even better, while Luke is onstage performing the hell out of Will & Kevin’s song (that they can’t sing themselves because they’re gay), lil Maddie and lil Colt are knocking boots in his trailer. ROMANCE ISN’T DEAD. Luke disciplines Maddie by sending her on a private flight straight home but he’s a day late and a hymen short. Luke also punishes Juliette with a cold, hard truth bomb, “Don’t go trying to play cool mom with somebody else’s kid just because you’ve abandoned your own.” OHHH SHIIIIIIITTTTT. SUCK IT, JULIETTTTTEEEEEEE. PS I also loved it a lot when Luke was clearly trying to be the cool dad and took a selfie with the kids “to show how much fun we’re having.” I didn’t know that Luke was a 14 year old at a slumber party trying to social media shame anyone who wasn’t invited, but it was laugh out loud funny.

Much less interesting than losing one’s virginity in the back of a tour bus voluntarily, is the fact that Gunnar is the saddest excuse for a man ever in TV history. He claims he felt a spark with Emily when they both grabbed for the milk that morning and the gays are like SOS we need to get you laid on this road trip. They try to hook him up with a roadie on the Wheels Up tour and Gunnar has a mouth stroke where the words “I’m not gay but it’s ok if you are” come out several times in some form or the other. The girl scampers away because she was probably drier than the Sahara just from being near to Gunnar and his lame wad ways. They run into each other again later where he stupidly dribbles, “pretty girls make me nervous” like the kid in class who always licked the glue stick. Needless to say this didn’t make her hot and bothered but for whatever reason, Juliette fires her and suddenly she’s horny for Gunnar. They fornicate in the backseat on the trip back to Nashville. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I welcome the return of Micah if it means we no longer have to put up with this shell of a character. I don’t know if you realize the severity of the statement I just made. MICAH WAS THE WORST. AND I WOULD PREFER TO HAVE HIM BACK. OVER GUNNAR CIRCLING THE DRAIN IN THE TOILET THAT IS HIS LOVE LIFE.

Ok, we got worked up there; let’s bring it back down with Deacon and Scarlett fi-nuh-ley making amends. They’re packing up Bev’s house together and Scarlett finally grows a backbone to tell Deacon to stop being such a dick. Also she gets drunk, which is stupid and does nothing for their reunion, obviously because Deacon is a sauce monster. Double also, there are two too many creepy hologram quality flashbacks of Bev. DIE AWAY FROM US, BEV. SERIOUSLY. DON’T EVER SHOW YOUR FACE ON NASHVILLE OR ABC EVER AGAIN.

Someone else who has been getting a surprising amount of face time lately for having two leading roles on primetime shows is Jeff Fordham. He’s still suspiciously playing boyfriend of the year to Layla, and now that they swapped spit in public, everyone has found out, including Mama Bear Rayna who does NOT approve. Rayna has Layla over to her in-home recording studio to tell her that Jeff is terrible and dating him is a poor life choice. They bicker over music and porking partner preferences before Layla comes to her senses and confesses that she still loves Jeff even though he treats her like poop stuck to the bottom of his shoe. Rayna’s all, there’s your hit song, girlfraaannnnn! And so she writes another kind of snoozey song while Jeff vies for a new job with that character whose name I never learned who is trying to turn Luke into the next Jay-Z. Pishh. Unfortunately this character is very strongly against mixing business with pleasure (I mean she won’t even let Luke throw it in her) so she’s less than welcoming to Jeff and his incessant need to always find pleasure in his business, if you know what I mean.

My great hope for Hottie McRocker Marcus in being a fabulous new love interest is kind of lost this week when Marcus joins the lineup of horrific people in Nashville. He shows up to his first day with Avery late then prefers to entertain rather than do his job. Avery takes the lull as an opportunity to call everyone in his phonebook and wah-wah over Juliette. Mood swing Marcus isn’t into this phone tree and has a meltdown, compares Avery to a teenage girl texting for their whole session and then promptly fires him. I’m like 90% sure that this is Marcus’s last episode so chances are he’ll go quietly into the Highway 65 grave but Avery does not handle the firing well. He sticks his fingers in his ears and stomps his feet and throws a full-on Cadence-level tantrum for Emily about how he’s a big, smelly loser. While Avery is knocking shit over and crying about his life, Juliette is finally realizing that she needs him back. Thank GAWD when they finally meet Avery sacks up and tells her it’s too late and he’s filed for divorce and will be requesting full custody of Cadence. Why? Save your ears. I should be saving my eyes from this show, but I’m not one to quit mid-series so easily. Either way, the dumpster fire that is Juliette’s life will likely (fingers crossed…it’s been an eternity) explode next week and one can only hope that the story lines will improve from there.

Empire, Television

Empire- “Be True”

You know when WASP neighbors go around leaving secret gifts on each other’s doorsteps around Halloween with a note that reads “You just got Booed!”? Well leaving a rotting human’s skeleton for the prosecutor who’s after you is like the criminal version of Booing. SO festive. As you remember that’s how last week’s episode ended—and this week we pick up with headlines of Lucious being a free man, cleared of all charges, which means this stunt he pulled must have been about as casj as neighborhood fun and games. APPARENTLY putting a dead body that you dug up in a lawyer’s car throws them off the scent because the charges have disappeared into thin air, and so has that prosecutor with an enormous rack. (Gone2Soon.)

Although boob city is gone, her equally as outrageous competitive counterpart, Thirsty seems to be hanging around, to pick up Vernon’s old duties at Empire, AKA professional shadiness. Thankfully, we get to hear him welcome Andre back to Empire with a sneering “Nice to see you without a shovel.” But besides that these two butt heads because Thirsty is now Lucious’s puppet for all things dirty business while Andre is now one with G-o-d. I REALLY want to be on Team Andre here, but he’s wearing a chin strap these days that is starting to resemble historical American’s mutton chop style and I hate it a whole lot.

Lucky for him the hoes in glitter hot pants that Lucious has gathered in the boardroom for Andre’s welcome back fiesta don’t care what Dre’s facial hair looks like. This party is really fitting for someone who just found Jesus and is about to be a dad. We can all see, short of a pants tent, that Lucious is enjoying Andre’s double team lap dance much more than his son. Meanwhile, Rhonda just wants to bone her husband because she’s all sorts of pregnancy horny and EVEN after she tells him she’s panty-less, he’s like meh, you’re a little late, my welcome party was hours ago. JK he talks about how much he wants the whole family to come together and watch him confess his sins as he is baptized into the church. Rhonda’s like good F’ing luck with that.

Over in Dynasty land (which could easily be the name of a strip club, jus sayin), Cookie directs a photo shoot of Tiana by shouting “WORK IT!” a lot and we see that it took Hakeem about five seconds to sign the virgin bar singer, Laura. Something tells me by the way Laura’s Bambi’ing around the studio gawking that she won’t last long in this cutthroat biz where Hakeem thinks it’s ok to smooch every single one of his signed recording artists.

Then Tiana is approached by two street rats outside of the studio for a selfie, one suddenly burps up a razor and in the blink of an eye they’ve robbed her. It was a pretty peculiar way to get mugged and I’ll probably have nightmares about someone producing a razor on their tongue for quite some time. It turns out they’re part of a masked terrifying gang. So THAT makes it better. The gang is trying to extort Lyon Dynasty for money and Cookie’s like they obviously don’t know who the F they’re dealing with. I take no greater pleasure than when street savvy Cookie comes out to play and you can tell by her tone that she’s about to teach these thugs a lesson.

Unfortunately still not on board with his bo$$ bitch mom is Jamal, who now has Lucious producing his album. If you’re wondering what Lucious as a producer looks like—it’s a fully grown man wearing sunglasses inside, a cardigan, and throwing his arms lazily around like he’s Drake in the Hotline Bling music video.

That’s not even the most entertaining part, because out of thin air, Ne-Yo appears to give his expert opinion. Ne-Yo is now a hipster with a fedora and round glasses and he’s also been pulled on board to help Jamal with his record and tour with him for a few because he obviously has nothing better to do. Jamal’s boyf, Michael meets Ne-Yo, pretty calmly tells him he’s a huge fan and Lucious dismisses the boyf like he just screeched SQUAD GOALS and forced Ne-Yo to take a selfie with him. Lucious strongly advocates that Jamal ditch his “girlfriend” for tour life.

Oh, yes and creeptastic photographer that I assumed would be a one and done terrible character has clung on for a second appearance unfortunately to burrow his head in between Jamal and Michael, literally. First he tries to give a surprise beej to Jamal in the club after getting him hammered, his reasoning of course, “a mouth is a mouth,” #noble. Jamal rejects him and then later ruins a “dope session” with Ne-Yo with his relayshe probz. Ne-Yo shows us his sensitive side when he LITERALLY tips his cap and advises Jamal to bring his boyfriend on tour if that’s what he wants and to never ever take relationship advice from that slut Lucious. PREACH. Then Ne-Yo does a lot of spirit fingers while Jamal sings—oh yeah and Michael allows pervy artist to slob on his knob at Jamal’s party later soooooo it’s looking like rocky roads ahead for these two.

Brothers who throw parties together, stay together. Unfortunately that’s not really the case for Hakeem and Jamal, who throw separate parties on the same night. While Jamal is showing off his nipples in a low-cut Henley at his house, Hakeem is whoring all over his female singers at his respective party. He tries to grind all up on Laura (initiation) and she’s like hey I have standards, thanks. YOU GO, GIRL! In the end Hakeem matures—sorry that was a strong word to use for someone who says, “I’m on my mogul swag now and you the real deal”—which is what he says to woo Laura back the next day, no kissies involved. He promises not to try and pork her again and even offers up his personal driver to show how serious he is. It’s cute, in like a skeevy way.

Even though Dynasty is under attack, Cookie is still trying to grow the business and that’s how we meet our latest guest star, Adam Rodriguez (lick) whose playing a promoter interested in working with Cookie and fingers crossed, WERRRRRKINNN with her, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. While he’s there talking biz with her in a flirty way, Lucious’s minions have broken in to steal their masters. Hot stuff and Cookie manage to get the tracks back, kick their asses, and show off that they are each packing. Some, more than others, WINK.

Anyway, as you would expect, the family that kills together ends up reuniting in church for Andre’s baptism. It actually is precious that everyone comes through for Dre and EVEN though Lucious told his son to man the hell up because tap water does not wash shit away, he still finds it in his black hole of a heart to attend. Unfortunately as the don of the family enters the church (late of course), I couldn’t help but get the feeling that he was about to have his three biggest competitors simultaneously offed while he witnessed Andre’s baptism. Although if we’re being realistic, the only people he has left to kill at this point are in that church. Therefore, instead of a “Do you renounce Satan?” POW-POW-POW scene, it’s just more of Lucious being an ass, i.e. when Andre says he loves his father and Lucious responds with, I know you do. And of course, Cookie finds the front pew in church a perfectly approps place to hand a surveillance bug over to Lucious and tell him to stick it up his ass. Thank God for Cookie, oh yeah and Andre’s baptism, I guess, which Lucious ducks out of before the grand finale because he apparently used to get water boarded by his bipolar mom for swearing. Since we can’t ever let the Lyon family give us the warm and fuzzies without a little trouble, after the baptism Hakeem is straight ‘napped while running, by of course the sketchy razorblade mouth gang. They stick a bag over his head, but leave his glistening, sweaty six-pack on display for us to ‘preciate. And ‘preciate them, I did.

Drip-Drops: (This is what I’ve decided to call commentary that I would like to make but doesn’t fit into a paragraph.)

-Portia interrupting Cookie’s sexy meeting to introduce her grandmother’s dog Whooptie-Woo as a guard dog was straight up gold. She earned her job back just with the pup’s name.

-Fashion W of the night: Cookie’s hot pink satin jacket. It was like a sexy businesswoman Barbie.

-Poor Uncle Vern, even after he’s murdered no one wants his ashes. R.I.P on someone’s mantle.

-This rapper that Lucious drooled all over sucks. Freda sounds like a man and her rapping is the woooooorst. Go away, punk.

-The only worthwhile cookie-ism this week is when she shouts “Tell Lucious to kiss my black ass.”

Music

Jesse McCartney Monday

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I think I’ve loved Jesse McCartney my whole life, skipping over-for obvious reasons-his Dreamstreet days. He started out as the soulful melon-head who also starred in the hit (not really hit) TV show Summerland. Then he left my life for a little while and those were some tough years…but he came right back more badass than ever with a fresh hair cut and some hip hop influences and I will forever be grateful for that. I thought it would be approps to kick off the week with a little evolution of Jesse, a man who matured in the spotlight flawlessly. TAKE NOTES, BIEBER.

Beautiful Soul

Obviously we wouldn’t have Jesse and his awkward bowl cut that made his head look 100x larger without this #1 hit. This video is kind of a snooze but the highlight reel contains him wearing a cowboy hat and thinking he’s modeling for GQ, followed by ditching his shirt to show off his milky white chest with a gem necklace for a little swim with his lady love in a leaf-infested pool. Obviously the doo-rag girl that captured his heart holds his hand at the beach later for a nice PG fairytale ending.

How Do You Sleep? (FEAT. LUUUUUDA)

The ultimate cool guy music video, Jesse dons some sonic the hedgehog dark hair, a leather jacket and aviators as he drives a vintage whip through the desert. Or rather he does everything but operate this vehicle, jumping to and from cars, sitting in the backseat with his boo and laying across the hood. Seriously Jesse, WHOSE DRIVING THAT CAR?

In all his glorious mid-2000’s swagger, LUDA shows up to spit verses standing atop a car, directing two other running cars like reindeer on a sleigh via some silver chains. Why? Cause he’s a Bo$$. Even though Jesse is clearly trying to transform from blonde cherub to Danny Zuko, you can’t help but see his gentleman side when he croons “Not only does your body bend, but i miss the conversation too.”

Leavin

If there were ever a music video version of telling your fans, “Hey guys I’m an adult who has sex now but still enjoy wearing a necklace”, this one would be it. Gone are the days of going after a girl for her soul instead of her looks and we’ve now arrived at leave your boyf and then writhe all over me. Also important to note that Jesse is still doing the spiky thing with his hair, despite the fact that it doesn’t look that gr8. An emotional time for us all.

Shake

Transformation into sex machine completed. Jesse has a dark, side-parted swoop with a three piece suit so BACK DA F UP, boys. He also debuts some tight dance moves while biddies in undies and hooker boots gyrate around him. UPGRADE. Bonus points for the not so sneaky Motorola plug (2010 seems a little late for this) and for taking a call from “Cali shorty”. At least we know Jesse learned something from working with Luda all those years ago, keep shorties on call in all major cities.

Punch Drunk Recreation

What’s that? You thought Jesse was done? NO WAY. This was a song off of his latest album and truly completes his mature musical evolution. It ain’t always about the booty, sometimes it’s just about getting 100 of your closest friends together, throwing a house party and lacing up some Nikes to show off the freshest dance moves with your bros. This is what adult Jesse looks like and he’s crushing it. And he knows it. Also the front spike is back, no doubt a wink to his earlier days except now he’s a trillion times cooler but still releasing bangerz.

Please don’t ever leave me again, Jesse.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/12/15

We are back, we are baaaaacckkkkkkk and we are getting Doug baccckkkkkkkk! You’re welcome for that lovely outdated 2010 pop culture reference that you probably are still trying to figure out. I’m trying to bring the Hangover back. For no reason whatsoever. Anyway, I took a two week hiatus from the JUice because the whole point of a blog on Friday with the week’s top headlines is that it’s interesting and these past two weeks the pop culture news cycle has been just about as exciting as my day to day game of should I go somewhere so that my neighbors see that I’m still alive and well enough to leave my apartment instead of rotting on my couch binge watching Parks & Rec. Although that may sound very disgusting I’d like to charitably add that I have been maintaining a normal shower routine. Yay, me! Anyway, shit went dizown this week so the JUice is back and you can thank me later. Or now. Whatever works in your schedule, pencil me in.

1. Leo Dicaprio Engaged.

The king of all kings, the colossus of clout, the great LEONARDO DICAPRIO apparently, supposedly, sources say, put a ring on it. And the “it” is a chick my age so we can just kindly go back in time and stab an ice pick into my 1997 little girl heart as I fell in love with Titanic Leo and dreamed of the day we would marry. His fiancee, Kelly Rohrbach is an actress/swimsuit model (obviously)–yawn–my grandma once told me I should be a model and I was like No, Gams, I don’t want to intimidate the other girls in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. Whatevz, they also clearly share a love of biking as pictured above, not for nothing but I’ve recently taken up biking and usually take a spin around town every day. But if it’s this girl he wants then FINE. I won’t be bitter. Also to be completely honest this could all be about as true as the time i reported Jeter was buying a house in Central New York–it’s not People official yet so we’ll just go ahead and assume it’s a rumor and that Leo is still waiting for the “one”(wink).

2. Zayn-Free 1D is PERFECT. I’m not afraid to shout it from the rooftops that I like 1D without Zayn sooo0oo0ooo much better. They released Perfect today, listen here, and I’ve had it on repeat all morning long. Obviously as far as celeb news goes they couldn’t let it slide without making comparisons to TSwift and saying it’s Harry’s response to Style (which was OBVIOUSLY about him.) I guess with lyrics like “If you like late night driving with the windows down” and “If you’re looking for someone to write your breakup songs about” it’s pretty much an open and shut case but that doesn’t mean they’re not going to each get badgered with questions about it. EITHER WAY, this song is perfect and so is present-day 1D.

3. Chrissy Teigen Preggers.

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John and I are so happy to announce that we are pregnant 🙂 As many of you know, we've been trying to have a baby for a while now. It hasn't been easy, but we kept trying because we can't wait to bring our first child into the world and grow our family. We're so excited that it's finally happening. Thank you for all your love and well wishes. I look forward to all the belly touching! Xx

A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on Oct 12, 2015 at 4:55pm PDT

There’s been a lot of badgering Chrissy about when she’s gonna get knocked up already and finally about a month ago she was like hey assholes I’m having a difficult time getting pregnant so maybe shut your fat traps and let me live. Well her and John Legend just announced in an adorable instagram way of course so obviously I’m happy for them as a beautiful couple about to make a model child but also might have to unfollow Chrissy on Twitter once the little nugget pops out if she’s going to be as candid as I think she is about this topic. I stand firmly on team no babies, but glad to see they made it through their struggles and hope the baby is healthy.

4. Jasmine & Aladdin duet 23 years later.

Ok this was being tossed around because the original singers of A Whole New World paired up again on GMA to perform and although it made me nostalgic for the Aladdin days, I think I would have preferred to watch cartoons on a magic carpet ride over two humans who do not look like Aladdin and Jasmine, gazing into each other’s eyes while a bunch of adults lined up behind a piano watched them with ferociously nodding heads. It made me real uncomfy. I wanted to close my eyes and focus on the magical love but I couldn’t look away from the cringey interaction. Oh yeah and obviously they sound exactly the same so kudos to their voice coaches and stuff. Three cheers for Aladdin making a comeback these days. Still the best Disney movie in the biz–And I’m obviously still the best Jasmine in the biz, NBD but HBD.

5. Kimmy Gibbler can get it.

Last week casting revealed who would play Gibbler’s ex-husband and he’s a real hottie who also played Jesus one time so he’s now known as “Hot Jesus”…not a bad rep, bro. His name is Juan Pablo Di Pace and unless English isn’t his first language, I’m having a hard time figuring out how these two would end up togets. It will be interesting to see how this plays out, since he’s the ex it’ll be single galz on the scene with Kimmy, Steph and DJ (recently widowed ala copy cat Danny Tanner style) all on the singles grind. Although Steve is back–just as I predicted he would be, so I’m guessing Deej isn’t single for very long. I don’t think I need to reiterate how disappointed I will be if Fuller House goes the way of Girl Meets World in spin-off land.

BONUS: Zack Morris & AC Slater selfie.

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Going old school. Literally… Fun time catching up with my boy @mpgosselaar today! #Reunion #BuddyBands

A post shared by Mario Lopez (@mariolopez) on Oct 12, 2015 at 1:56pm PDT

HASHTAG BUDDY BANDS.

Empire, Television

Empire- “Poor Yorick”

(Let’s try to do away with the baby bangs on Cookie…not into it at all.)

After getting hooked on Empire mid-first season last year, I knew that once people started buzzing about it, the already outrageous show would just get bigger. Now that we’re a few episodes into season 2, it’s safe to say that this show is on a whole other level. Therefore, I’ve decided to add it to my recap lineup so that we can all together share the cringes that Lucious Lyon illicits.

Which obviously brings us to this week’s episode when the feds raid Empire, Dynasty, and Lucious’s personal abode, where he’s in bed the morning after boinking another young’n. Prosecutor Cleavage rolls up and he gloriously steps out of bed in the nude to purr, “Hi there baby, look wherever you like.” If Empire was intending to make half of their audience throw up a little bit in their mouths, they were quite successful.

For those who might be as confused with the up and down story line as I often am, the feds are searching for evidence that Lucious killed Bunkie because Prosecutor Cleavage is out to crucify him. Instead of getting scared, Lucious declares to team Empire that an FBI investigation gives you street cred and he’s top OG now. Super normal reaction to being under a magnifying glass for committing a murder that you absolutely did, but that’s neither here nor there. What stressed me out the most in this Empire impromptu meeting about criminal activity was that lezzie Mimi is back and she’s finagled her hair into a twist to make it look like she has no hair and it’s roof stoof. She also does her best impression of a gangsta and it’s supes embarrassing on her part. Methinks she has never been behind bars and should probably zip her lips. (PS for anyone playing the Empire drinking game that should definitely exist, Lucious has uttered, “It’s game time bitches” for the 100^th time, and therefore deserves a shot each time it is forced upon us.)

The Lyon family plan is to act like they love each other and aren’t running rival record labels until they can find Vernon (who Andre’s wife Miss Scarlett casj killed with the candlestick, in the study) and clear this whole Bunkie murder nonsense up. The second creepiest thing that Lucious does this episode is suck a lollipop while he schemes with Cookie how they can bring the fam back together while ALSO profit from it. After Lucious finds out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop, they settle on making a music video with Jamal & Hakeem, who pretty much hate each other’s stinkin guts.

Jamal is generally still really feelin himself and no one else, which is a shame because he could have that sweet Usher thing going for him if he wanted. Instead, he snagged the cover of Rolling Stone and the pervy photographer who shoots it actually tells Jamal, “I wanna be inside you,” as he directs him to play the piano mid-shoot. And Jamal doesn’t think anything about that was weird. Cue eye roll from his too good 4 life boyfriend and also, me. C’mon Jamal. Be better.

In the land of mental instability, Andre confesses to that wifey of his who looks like a real smokeshow—pregnancy clearly agrees with her—that God has been speaking to him and what he’s saying is dig up Vernon’s body that they buried and turn it into the cops so he can get back to working at Empire. MAKES TOTAL SENSE. Instead of being like hey Andre, let’s tune God out on this one, Rhonda’s like I’m all in, ride or die, yo. Except for the minor detail that they buried him surrounded by identical trees and the only note they took from where they stashed a dead body was that the tree had a hole. GENIUSES. Naturally they run into a little snafu of finding ole Uncle Vern.

But before the amateur murderers get themselves in a pickle, we have our glorious Lyons bro music video shoot consisting of some pyrotechnics, a jungle gym, video hoes (obv) and Jamal wearing a hat that can best be described as something straight outta the Cuban revolution. WHO OK’ED THIS? While we’re on the topic of fashion, Cookie shows up in a hot red leather Michael Jackson outfit adorned with gold chains but before she can shout sassy things at her bickering sons she’s arrested and I literally get down on my knees and pray that she gets to keep that number on for her mugshot. We don’t get to see but it does turn out that Prosecutor Cleavage is after her to give up the deets on Lucious. Not so fast though, Cookie gets a cloudy look in her eyes and flashes back to the man she once loved, serenading her with the beautiful words, “You ain’t nothin’ but a snitch, bitch. Snitchin’ ass bitch” in a jail broom closet and decides to clam up. Just kidding, she has flashbacks to her awful, lonely days in jail, WITHOUT A WIG, and decides to craft a story for boobs on boobs so she can get the hell outta there. She confesses that Bunkie and Lucious were arguing over the Apex radio deal knowing that miss Yabbos will stop the deal while Cookie moonwalks away.

Unfortunately while she’s in a holding cell trying to keep her sons safe from threats of being smothered to death by the prosecutors’ chest, her two youngest are back at each other’s throats. The creepy photographer unveils a painting of Jamals’ cover shoot that he probably had some private time with earlier sans pants and Hakeem sees Lucious & Jamal drooling all over it before declaring, “It’s the most ugliest painting I’ve seen in my life.” He has a real way with words. Then he stabs the painting and the brothers beat the shit out of each other mid-music video.

In other very conventional family bonding, Lucious and his purple suit lawyer Thirsty surprise attack the gravediggers right about the time they realize they’re not really cut out for the body burying business. They tracked Andre’s car, NBD, and Thirsty just happens to carry around a body detector. Bingo, bango they’ve located Vernon’s deteriorating remains and we have ourselves a very proud father-son moment. Dre is given a warm murderer welcome back into the Empire and all is well. Except for Vernon, who gets a personal goodbye from Lucious in the form of “You will rot in hell you snitch.” Obviously Vernon didn’t live long enough to learn a quick lesson from Lucious’ number one hit “Snitch Bitch”. It’s a shame really…it could’ve saved his life.

Hakeem, now the most hated son, hits a Latina Michael Buble bar to pout over a drink and think about apologizing to his brother. Instead he discovers a fresh out da womb Latina singer performing in public for the very first time and girl can wail. His jeans suddenly get real tight as dollar signs and perhaps a new bath buddy dance in his head. Target acquired for the girl group that won’t die—unlike Vernon, whose very dead rotting body is straight chillin in Prosecutor Cleavage’s car the next morning. Lucious may be a bona fide cr33p but don’t ever doubt his creativity.

Cookie-isms:

“Tell me a grandma got an ass like this.”

“Do I look like I catch a subway?”

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “The Slender Threads That Bind Us Here”

I think that if I had slept through that hour of television I still could have adequately provided this recap just from last week’s previews. In fact, I kind of wish I did.

We carry on with this “let’s be sad about Bev” business by opening up on her funeral. What’s vital to dwell on is not that Bev is dead and Deacon is sad, but that Rayna wears a chic as hell hat to the event like it’s the Kentucky Derby. The south has risen—hallelujah! Oh sorry is that inapprops for Bev’s tearful goodbye, because that’s the vibe I’m getting from the cap that’s perched atop Rayna’s perfect mermaid waves. Other than Rayna’s hat fit for a Tyler Perry movie, ZOEY IS BACK. “Ugggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghghghghghghg” sums up the exact reaction I had to seeing her back on my TV. She sings a little at the funeral and I pray that she’ll be hightailing it back to the land of banished minor characters who haven’t been killed STAT. Deacon holds it together and gives a beautiful eulogy. Just kidding he sputters and sobs in the first sentence and shouts SHE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW. Way to keep it cool, Deacon. Obviously he still regards his niece as a murderer who shall be shunned from his life forever. Then Zoey and Gunnar get a minute to chat which merely consists of Gunnar being all “hey we should catch up sometime” (a very standard thing to say to someone you’ve never made to effort to keep in touch with but awkwardly run into) and Zoey’s all “I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!” No one cares, girl, no one cares.

Meanwhile Juliette misses three interviews from partying and Jeffy Fordham flies out from wherever they film Scream Queens to kick her ass into gear and declare that her punishment is to have a reporter all up in her shit for the next two days for an article. Juliette takes this opportunity to turn her life around and do what she gets paid millions to do with a smile on her face. Except for the fact that she pops an adderall from a “doctor” in a suit among a crowd of fans, like NO ONE WOULD CATCH HER TOSSING PILLS BACK. No but actually, no one thinks this is cause for concern. As if in today’s world every single fan doesn’t have their iphone out snapping pics and vids and would ever let a drug deal right in front of their dumb teen eyeballs slide on unnoticed. Ugh. Clearly this fires me up. Anyway, this one incident leads to her becoming a casual drug addict in mere minutes. She washes down some sleeping pills with a nip for bedtime before she moves onto needles the next night. No seriously, she calls formal doc over for a shot in the hip so she can “feel nothing.” Things are still going real swell for her, obviously.

Juliette takes some time out of working her way down her narcotics bucket list to see some snapshots of Avery, Emily & Screamer at the park playing house and dial up Emily to politely relay the message that she’s, “just a gold-diggin, back-stabbin, whore.” Probz safe to say that Emily’s paychecks will stop coming in on the reg. Avery tries to rationalize that his wife might still have an inkling of affection for the creature that once resided in her uterus for 9 months by comparing her to BEV. YIIIIKES. Couldn’t think of anyone else, Avery? Him holding out hope for his now doped up wife is getting a liiiiiiiiittle sad.

Someone whose not handling the sads very well is Deacon, who is often known to drown his sorrows in the bottle, but managed to stay sober for this whole episode! Pause for golf clap. Besides, we’ve got a whole season for him to fall off the wagon, no need to rush. One thing we do know is that he DOES NOT want any DAMN funeral casserole. He also beats the shit out of Bev’s old room and stuff while Maddie spies on him and runs away because her dad punched a mirror and she just can’t even.

One thing that remains is Deacon’s fiery hate for Scarlett who is having a tough time coping and when Zoey asks if Caleb is helping she says hugging him is like hugging a textbook. WHOA. Did she take that right out of an erotica novel? Hugging a textbook? Sounds hawt. What chemistry those two have. Dr. Caleb tries to put the spice back in their relationship (was it ever there?) and decides to write her a song. Since he’s so ABOVE music, his lyrics are on par with Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and he’s forced to ask Gunnar for help. Gunnar obvsicles just writes a song from his heart because he’s madly in love with Scarlett but when Scarlett reads the lyrics she doesn’t suspect that Caleb had basically nothing to do with it and thanks him by opening her legs.

Layla also opens her legs as a welcome back to her boyfriend/manager Jeff Fordham, who is playing the loving boyfriend character in scarily accurate fashion. He gives her some sassy cowboy boots for her Opry debut and I would love a pair of my own, Jeff, jus sayin. No seriously, where can I buy those and are they under 20 bucks because I’m currently on an unemployment budget.

Anyway, Layla does the whole Opry debut thang and the only highlight is Jeff backstage smugly telling Rayna she finally did something right by his client and Rayna snapping back “Shut up, Jeff.” After her forgettable song, Rayna sings her praises and they are quite soon stomped on as Marcus Keen the millennial boy toy of my dreams shows up and even those sparkly cowboy boots can’t stop her from fading into the background of The Opry…Highway 65…life…The good news is that Marcus isn’t just a pretty face, he also tells riveting stories about Prince Harry grabbing the mic from him, a lesson he quickly picked up when he basically grabs the mic from Layla later on and drop kicks her from the stage.

But before that, Avery sneaks in to pitch the producer gig for Marcus by telling him that he’s got loads of credits such as being Juliette’s baby daddy…or at least that’s what Marcus knows him for. Zing, bro. It’s gotta be REAL rough to have a rep in the biz for being a baby daddy and not a talented producer. Before Avery can even seal the deal he gets a call that his little screamer has a high fever and needs to be rushed to the hospital. Obviously. (Just don’t try to call Mommy because she’ll be unconscious in nothing-land for another 10-12 hours!)

This frees up Marcus to throw an invisibility cloak over Layla and do an extremely creepy duet with Rayna about how much they love each other with a whole lot of close-face singing. It was ALMOST as mentally scarring as Juliette and Steven Tyler’s hover-arming but couldn’t quite take the cake for all the cringes. Afterward Rayna has to tell her number 1 label star that it was “uncool” to jack Layla’s spotlight and bum rush the sacred country stage. I’m gonna guess this union will be short-lived as we all know there’s only room for one diva at Highway 65 and she belongs on Nashville’s Mount Rushmore of Hair.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “How Can I Help You Say Goodbye”

All right, let’s not dance around it. This episode was a total downer. We’re forced to care about Bev’s life even though the vast majority of her existence on this show has been acidic. On top of that we’re on week I’ve lost count of Juliette’s downward family-hating spiral and it’s clear that this will fill Nashville’s void of torturously drawn out story lines that was left behind when Will FINUHLLY came out. And as if I wasn’t already feeling all sorts of things they go ahead and lay a heartbreaking Daphne meltdown on me when she realizes her dad is actually a dirty, dirty criminal liar.

UGH. I’m emotionally exhausted just from reliving all of those, but I’ll put it to the side, so we can talk about how Cadence is the worst baby in America. Like we get it girlfran, your lungs work just fine. I’m already not a fan of babies and her screeching every time we see her is not really making a convincing case for kids. The roomies handle it pretty well by trying to soothe her and then just ignoring the fact that she’s screaming bloody murder but of course the only thing that will make baby Cadence shut the F up is Mommy and Daddy’s original lullaby. What a conniving little snake that baby is trying to get her parents back together behind the music style on the same day that Avery files for divorce.

Before he decides it’s time, Avery reunites with Juliette’s employee castaways Emily & Glen. Emily offers nannying services, which will obviously become a problem and Glen tries to get preachy with Avery about how he should handle Juliette. Avery should probably fire back about how Glen’s facial hair is dark grey while the hair on his head is platinum blonde. Zing. Eventually he stares at a family picture, gets sappy to the harmonies with his estranged wife and decides not to sign the papers that he requested in the first place.

Juliette is blissfully unaware of her potential to be a divorcee while she tears it up on break from tour with Luke. She gets day hammered, throws a party and makes Luke join her onstage for a little Joan Jett karaoke because girl fo reals does NOT give a damn about her child-abandoning reputation. She also clearly doesn’t worry about hair tangles as she slams her head all over the joint in attempts to look rock n roll…or try to shake the memory that a human came out of her vagina a mere few months ago. Luke gives her a heartfelt talk the next morning when she’s probably still a little drunksies about choosing family over partying, like he wished he did. Juliette promptly chooses mimosas—which are delicious by the way. I bet mimosas don’t scream and cry all hours of the day. Jus sayin.

Keeping with the dysfunctional family theme, Maddie records a song WITHOUT Daphne, because Daph is too busy slugging bitches during recess for calling her dad a guilty jailbird. Rayna decides that maybe it’s time for a Conrad family reunion in prison. Prison Teddy looks RUFF and also he lets it slip that Daphne doesn’t need to throw haymakers on the playground in his defense anymore because he’s actually a dirty crook. There’s a lot of tears and screaming and all the sudden the two terror sisters are chip-chopping up family photos like little savages (or scorned ex-lovers trying to erase a cheating boyfriend from their lives.) Supes normal. Rayna finds the scissor sisters mid-demolition and goes APESHIT. Obviously this elicits a HE’S NOT MY FATHER from Maddie, lest we have momentarily forgotten that Deacon is HER REAL DAD. Don’t you even fret though because Rayna brings the girls back to Teddy’s high security new home to show us a precious family moment as she thanks Teddy for always being a great dad and husband and all around winner. Three cheers for the Conrads! Except not because Teddy says he’ll be pleading guilty and extending his stay in the big house AKA no longer on the Nashville call sheet. It was a nice send-off with his daughters forgiving him for being shady AF.

Low-key, before we get to the Bev saga, Will’s boyfriend Kevin has a motley crew over for a writing sesh and they heckle Will for not using his celebrity to champion gay rights. Quick reminder that this is the guy who was essentially dragged out of the closet kicking and screaming. Let’s get realistic about him becoming the leader of a country “gay is the way” movement 5 minutes later. Gawd, Kevin. LAY OFF.

Ok now for the heavy, a random doctor recommends taking Bev off life support and Deacon turns into Uncle Bully who refuses to pull the plug even though Scarlett has deciding power. They give Bev a medical test to see if she can take a breath on her own and the smug doc is like har-har she definitely will not and then lo and behold Bev takes a breath and Deacon gets right in his grill piece to let him know it. The doc peeks out from cowering under the hospital bed after Deacon’s aggressive “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HER” tirade to announce that this breath means absolutely nothing and they should just yank her off life support already. Scarlett mulls the decision over by asking hot doc to decide for her and worshipping at the chapel piano for a little musical healing. I approve of the song, obviously. Then girl runs right into Gunnar’s outstretched arms. No, really. The final verdict is to let Bev go to donate her organs and Deacon handles it like a real asshole. But then I feel kind of bad because he has a big noisy cry when the offing appointment is. Then I remember that Deacon made his niece kill her mother all by herself and I go back to thinking Deacon’s being a real selfish turd. Either way, it was pretty depressing. The up side, obviously being that Bev is gone as historically the most milked minor character death. Most pressing matter of all though…what’s with the sloppy side braid Rayna? Clean it up.

Television

The Andy Milonakis Show

So there are things that you think are really funny when you’re younger, especially in the pre-teen phase and you look back on them once you’re an “adult” and wonder why the hell you ever laughed at it. I’ve recently discovered that I don’t ever look back and think something was immature/unfunny. For example–when my dad asked where the deoderant aisle was in Target the other night and I replied with “up your butt and around the corner” then laughed about it for 5 minutes afterward. That was a middle school phrase, I believe…back when it was still taboo to say butt at school and yet here I am at 24 laughing like a maniac about a sentence that doesn’t even make sense but uses the word butt and therefore is hilarious. I guess this rant is bringing me to the fact that I used to watch The Andy Milonakis Show religiously and just recently I stumbled upon something that reminded me to look it up again and found myself still laughing along to a fully grown man-boy terrorizing deliverymen and old NYC residents. Therefore I decided to point out the best gags from this show that I still find funny (and still reference)–and if you’re a mature human being you will absolutely hate this blog…and Schmandy Schmiloshmakis.

For the record I once knew every single word to this theme song. I think it was cooler back in the day though.

Coupon Lady

In this prank he orders chinese then when the deliveryman shows up Andy declares that he has a coupon and out comes a 90 year old woman wearing a sash that says coupon and she just proceeds to shout in her crusty voice, “I am the coupon!” Coupon is already a weird mom word but ever since this skit I can’t hear the word coupon without instantly transforming into a walking discount.

couponlady

Wubbie, Wubbie.

Watch 2:22-2:36

Wubbie was Andy’s dog who unfortunately had to put up with a lot but actually did very little in the show–except for when she had telekinesis for a hot second. I hope to one day have my own show where I can get paid to shout at my dog in a high-pitched baby voice. Mostly because this is already how I interact with any dog, stranger or not. They probably also imagine shooting me when I force cuddles and delfies. Fun fact though, my family dog Casper got nicknamed Wubbie after this show came out because we thought it was an A+ pet name. May he R.I.P. See below for the time we shoved his fluffy body into a polo and he gave us some serious side eye. Oh, wubbie, wubbie, schmubbie…

I was about to say that. (Watch here.)

Some of Andy’s best work was when he hit the streets and mocked strangers. This bit was where he would ask random people questions then finish their sentences and say he was going to say the exact same thing. There’s no quicker way to irritate people than to repeat everything they’re saying, unless of course you do it while they’re talking and insist that you were going to say it first. It’s genius.

Have a nice day.

Another street number, Andy would hand out balloons and say depressing things then tell people to have a nice day. It was usually old people he interacted with and you could tell they had no idea what was going on and probably thought this was a sad 12 year old boy, which made it even better. Props to the salty guy who admitted he also had no soul. Did they just become BFFs?

haveaniceday

Smelly Eggs (Watch here.)

Andy sometimes did the character “Muti” representing a Jewish grandmother and instead of S’s he blew out of his nose. No seriously, that was it. And it made me giggle. And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

I HOPE YOU FEEL STUPIDER. HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!!

Movies

Hocus Pocus Season Is Upon Thee

It’s October…a month when pumpkin spice assaults every food, drink & aroma, you didn’t really go apple picking with your boyfriend unless you instagrammed it, and MOST IMPORTANTLY the only month it’s acceptable to watch Hocus Pocus. I don’t get down with off-season holiday movie viewing. It’s not ok to watch Christmas movies in July and I’ll never allow an early or late Hocus Pocus viewing. It feels sacrilegious. Anyway everyone knows this was the greatest Halloween movie ever made and rather than try to convince you of that (you should need no convincing), I’d prefer to thank the creators of Hocus Pocus for gifting us with so many things, five of which I detail below.

1. Yabbos. Did you ever think this word could be used to describe a top notch rack? No you probably didn’t, but that’s what’s so great about pervy Max Dennison letting it slip to his annoying little sis that he was all about Allison’s yabbos. There are several slang words for boobs but yabbos will always take the cake–just silly enough to illicit a laugh, but not downright inapprops like “tits”.

2. Halloween Music. Normally we’re more of a Christmas music nation but why can’t Halloween music be a thing? Oh, because it doesn’t really exist. Well fret no more because the Sanderson Sisters are back and they’re here to put a spell on our ears. Once you forget about the fact that this song is actually their way of keeping the parents distracted while they snatch up all their kids and drink their souls…you can focus on how it’s a real banger. Now dance, DANCE UNTIL YOU DIIIIIEEEEE.

The second song in this movie is probably more for the acquired ear because it’s terrifying and creepy but hey…so is Halloween! Put on this little number when you’re getting ready to lure a bunch of kids to your cabin in the woods so that you can snag their spirits and become young and beautiful. I don’t need it right now, but maybe in a few years I’ll start learning the words. (Not for nothing, but aren’t Sarah’s yabbo’s a liiiittttle distracting during this broom-writhing performance?)

3. The only cat I’ll ever love. Look, it’s no secret that I’m team dog 1000%. Dogs are cute, cuddly, loyal and fun. Cats are shady MF’ers who stalk around the house and plot your impending death. HOWEVER, I will gladly bite my tongue about cats when it comes to Thackary Binx. Thackary is the redemption for all cats, mostly because he’s actually a rather adorbs seventeenth century boy who looks out for Max, Dani & Allison. He also gets pretty sassy with the sisters and often reminds Max what a virgin loser he is for lighting the black flame candle. Hey–it’s not like he can die, so why not dish it out?

4. Booooooooook. It’s not every day that a regular inanimate object gets it’s own singing cat call. Winifred’s call for her spell book is something that still lives on today because it’s funny and everyone can appreciate a good throaty book call. Something that goes hand in hand with this for no reason at all is Winifred’s infamous bucked teeth that reside on the outside of her mouth. For example, I happened to be at a bar last winter and a girl was there with teeth that just wouldn’t fit behind her lips and all I had to say was that girl has Winifred teeth and everyone understood what was up. Boom. Roasted.

5. A slutty Disney witch. Forget about slutty Disney princesses, Hocus Pocus gave us Sarah, a dum dum who would much rather slow dance with the devil or make out with a mummy than snatch up some kids. Carrie Bradshaw, who? SJP plays her best character with Sarah and brings most of the laughs (#2 is clearly Mary the side-mouthing moron.) Anyway, it’s always delightful when you’re little and inappropriate jokes fly right over your head then you re-watch the movie and see that it was actually really dirrty. Sitting on the bus driver’s lap pretty much sums that up. Thank you for being you, Sarah.

Now get watching or…

Television

Fall 2015 Primetime TV Guide

The bad news is that most of you probably have jobs and don’t have time to watch endless hours of TV pilots and decide if something’s worth watching. The GREAT news is that I currently am without that little thing called employment and therefore have loads of time on my hands to consume all the new TV that fall has to offer. That’s precisely what I did for a full day of couch surfing so that I could deliver an unbiased (a little biased) guide on what to watch and what to skip this year in premiere primetime TV. It was really hard.

SKIP:

muppets

The Muppets, ABC Tuesdays 8P

Seriously I would like to look the creator of this show in the eye and just ask why. I didn’t watch it because I can’t bear to put myself through an hour of adult sesame street. If you would like to watch a bunch of cartoon characters hang out, by all means watch this show, otherwise just continue living your life and wait until it eventually goes away.

besttimeever

Best Time Ever Live with Neil Patrick Harris, NBC Tuesdays 10p

I started this one with an open mind, and gleeful memories of Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson, the most ridiculous character ever. Unfortunately I couldn’t even get through the whole first episode. It was bad, like really bad. He uses his Hollywood connects for celebrity guest appearances and the whole thing plays out like a game show bringing in audience members and people on their couches at home for contests and games. It’s too much, like he’s trying to jam an awards show hosting gig of punchlines and gags into an hour each week. Also Perez Hilton was in the first show’s live audience wearing pink jeans and that’s right about when I checked out.

codeblack

Code Black, CBS Wednesdays 10p

Here’s a generic medical drama where there are fresh doctors to be taught and everyone has a sneaky past that comes out piece by piece in each episode as they all get to know each other. No huge star power in this show except for Marcia Gay Harden who’s the leading veteran doctor. The unique aspect of the pitch is that this particular hospital is for emergency medicine and therefore the pressure is higher to be bomb.com. There was A LOT of blood in the first episode and also there’s not enough attractive doctors to keep me hooked. I give this a bleh rating especially with the amount this genre is played out.

rosewood

Rosewood, FOX Wednesdays 8p

Typical cop drama, Rosewood is a pathologist and his partner is a hot Latina detective with deeper issues. It’s set in Miami and kind of gives off a Bones meets CSI Miami vibe as far as genre goes but full disclosure I didn’t watch an entire episode. I watched like 20 minutes and it was lame. Rosewood questions the detective’s skills and there’s a lot of sexual tension. I don’t think it will last very long in my very expert opinion.

bloodoil

Blood & Oil, ABC Sundays 9p

I actually planned to start watching this show and marked the premiere on my calendar…mostly for Chace Crawford. Unfortunately I was suuuuuupes disappointed. Essentially a Dallas knockoff with worse acting, this soap opera-y take on the oil industry will essentially be a formula of sex and backstabbing every week. I normally would be down with that since I don’t need smart TV to feel less guilty about watching a show, but the acting is like new levels of horrendous. Chace and his wife are real awkward and try to make up for lack of acting skill by kissing a lot. It’s all the cringes. If you’re looking for some mindless TV where you can watch hot people bang each other then by all means tune in, I think I’m going to sit this one out because I actually found a lot of winners in the new crop of shows as displayed below…

WATCH:

lifeinpieces

Life In Pieces, CBS Mondays 830P

A sitcom about a family with adult children and all of their various sub-family plots, this show probably won’t last very long due to the nature of how quickly generic sitcoms get axed, HOWEVER I watched two episodes and it did make me laugh out loud a few times. One son is in his late thirties and lives with his parents, his sister is married with three kids–one who is about to go to college and his brother is married with a fresh baby. Fans of New Girl will notice that the actress who played Fawn Moscato is the new mom and her interpretation of what happens after you have a baby is hilarious, and also terrifying. The miracle of ruined vaginas, if you will. Each member of the family has their hot mess qualities and they all feed off of each other when in the same room, episodes are broken up by “stories” to follow each family’s issues.

Watch if you like: Modern Family

grandfathered

Grandfathered, FOX Tuesdays 8P

Obviously this has been promoted endlessly because it’s John Stamos and he happens to have built-in PR people, also known as his Full House castmates. I was a little disappointed in this because I expected to laugh a lot but I found that most of the scenes were already shown in clips or teasers. It holds promise, though and that’s why it’s on the watch list. The pilot begins with John Stamos examining his hair and it quickly becomes clear that he’s playing bachelor Uncle Jesse and I can always get down with any facet of Uncle Jesse. He finds out he has a son and granddaughter and becomes involved in their lives immediately. There are a lot of current jokes including a knock at Buzzfeed listicles and I can see how this might grow. Bonus: You know you’ll see at least Dave Coulier and Bob Saget do guest spots, because when you get a show, you hire your friends.

Watch if you liked: Full House, The Mindy Project (current pop culture humor)

grinder

The Grinder, FOX Tuesdays 830P

Again, judging just from the pilot it was a little lackluster but there’s potential to blossom. Rob Lowe and Fred Savage are brothers, Rob just finished a long running TV series where he played a lawyer and Fred is an actual lawyer who happens to have a serious case of stage fright. Feeling lost after ending the series, Rob’s character sticks around trying to find what to do next and ends up wanting to become a lawyer and outshining his brother in the courtroom because he has a dazzling personality. What I liked about the show is that Rob Lowe is doing what he did while playing Chris Traeger in Parks & Rec–poking fun at himself by being so over the top and it works. Fred Savage’s wife and kids add humor with their different personalities and how they patronize his character for being such a wiener.

Watch if you liked: Franklin & Bash, Parks & Rec

screamqueens

Scream Queens, FOX Tuesdays 9P

Fox made itself a spicy little Tuesday night lineup, and I’m not just saying that because I used to work for them. This show was highly anticipated because it’s a Ryan Murphy creation (the male Shonda Rhimes) and it has big names involved i.e. Jamie Lee Curtis, Emma Roberts, Nick Jonas, Ariana Grande, Lea Michele, etc. I was a little weary to watch it because I am not a person who likes to shit her pants while watching TV alone out of fear, but I decided to give it a shot because it was buzzed about so much. The show itself has great writing and acting. There’s a lot of sassy dialogue from characters who are making fun of themselves and today’s world– like when a character gets murdered and sends a tweet while she’s bleeding out. Essentially it follows a corrupt and terrible sorority where bitches are getting slayed left and right by a masked killer, taking all that’s cheesy from horror movie “Scream” and poking fun at it. Since we’re in a trust tree here, I’ll admit that I did jump a few times and want to cover my eyes when there were some bloodier scenes. All in all I would say it goes more for humor and entertainment, less for terrifying.

Watch if you like: Glee (for the funny dialogue, not as much for the singing), Difficult People

blindspot

Blindspot, NBC Mondays 10p

A show I would normally never watch and yet it’s good. Like really good. Following a woman who was dropped in the middle of Times Square and erased of all memory, the FBI works with her to figure out who she is. Her body is covered in fresh tattoos that are essentially clues to various things. The first one solved was for a terrorist attack and the show is set up like a puzzle to figure out who this chick is and how she got here. She’s supes attractive and the lead detective on the case is a hot piece with dazzling eyes so I don’t doubt for a second that they will be getting to know each other biblically but there’s a lot of mystery and little pieces being thrown out just in the first episode, so it’s definitely a show you’ll need to pay attention for. It personally gave me too much anxiety to regularly watch but it’s well done if it’s your type of show.

Watch if you like: The Blacklist

quantico

Quantico, ABC Sundays 10p

A similar keep-you-on-your-toes vibe, this one surprised me especially since I hated Blood & Oil so much and those two are paired in a lineup for Sunday nights. Quantico is a place where FBI agents are sent to be trained and the show works on flashbacks based on mostly the perspective of one girl who is being framed for a terrorist attack. The first five minutes give us a steamy car sex scene between two of the FBI trainees and then I didn’t take one note for the rest of the episode, so clearly it was riveting. It’s less intense than Blindspot and you probably shouldn’t watch it if you’re a nervous nellie because it deals with corruption in the FBI and terrorists infiltrating our country. Yikes…but like, with really hot people.

Watch if you like: Grey’s Anatomy (before Shonda killed everyone important)/anything Shondaland, Revenge

Not Yet Premiered:

truthbetold

Truth Be Told, NBC Premieres Friday 10/16 830P

Though it hasn’t premiered yet, I’ll give this one a shot because it stars Mark Paul Gosselaar and I give him a chance every time. I mean seriously, his track record is Saved by the Bell and Franklin & Bash, how bad could it possibly be? Also don’t answer that just yet, because it got the Friday night death slot and we might not see it for very long.

drken

Dr. Ken, ABC Premieres Friday 10/2 8P

While watching endless episodes on demand I saw a handful of promos for this show. Normally I would write it off because in my humble TV experience shows that focus on a comedian end up trying way too hard to mimic what Seinfeld did and they fail miserably…but Ken Jeong is so outrageous as a comedic actor that I found myself laughing at the previews. I mean he put his daughter’s skinny jeans on. Can you imagine if your dad did that? Anyway, I might give this one the ole pilot try as well even though it’s another Friday night doomed, roof stoof.

Each show on this list is only a couple episodes in at most, so it’ll be easy to catch up and get hooked! Hope this guide was helpful, if it wasn’t then just appreciate the fact that it’s all I have to show for a day where I was in perfect health and still laid on the couch watching TV for 12 consecutive hours. #IDoItForTheBlog

The Salty Ju

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Author Archives: Thesaltyju

Nashville- “Stop the World (And Let Me Off)”

Jesse McCartney Monday

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Weekly JUice

Nashville- “The Slender Threads That Bind Us Here”

Nashville- “How Can I Help You Say Goodbye”

The Andy Milonakis Show

Hocus Pocus Season Is Upon Thee

Fall 2015 Primetime TV Guide