(Let’s try to do away with the baby bangs on Cookie…not into it at all.)

After getting hooked on Empire mid-first season last year, I knew that once people started buzzing about it, the already outrageous show would just get bigger. Now that we’re a few episodes into season 2, it’s safe to say that this show is on a whole other level. Therefore, I’ve decided to add it to my recap lineup so that we can all together share the cringes that Lucious Lyon illicits.

Which obviously brings us to this week’s episode when the feds raid Empire, Dynasty, and Lucious’s personal abode, where he’s in bed the morning after boinking another young’n. Prosecutor Cleavage rolls up and he gloriously steps out of bed in the nude to purr, “Hi there baby, look wherever you like.” If Empire was intending to make half of their audience throw up a little bit in their mouths, they were quite successful.

For those who might be as confused with the up and down story line as I often am, the feds are searching for evidence that Lucious killed Bunkie because Prosecutor Cleavage is out to crucify him. Instead of getting scared, Lucious declares to team Empire that an FBI investigation gives you street cred and he’s top OG now. Super normal reaction to being under a magnifying glass for committing a murder that you absolutely did, but that’s neither here nor there. What stressed me out the most in this Empire impromptu meeting about criminal activity was that lezzie Mimi is back and she’s finagled her hair into a twist to make it look like she has no hair and it’s roof stoof. She also does her best impression of a gangsta and it’s supes embarrassing on her part. Methinks she has never been behind bars and should probably zip her lips. (PS for anyone playing the Empire drinking game that should definitely exist, Lucious has uttered, “It’s game time bitches” for the 100^th time, and therefore deserves a shot each time it is forced upon us.)

The Lyon family plan is to act like they love each other and aren’t running rival record labels until they can find Vernon (who Andre’s wife Miss Scarlett casj killed with the candlestick, in the study) and clear this whole Bunkie murder nonsense up. The second creepiest thing that Lucious does this episode is suck a lollipop while he schemes with Cookie how they can bring the fam back together while ALSO profit from it. After Lucious finds out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop, they settle on making a music video with Jamal & Hakeem, who pretty much hate each other’s stinkin guts.

Jamal is generally still really feelin himself and no one else, which is a shame because he could have that sweet Usher thing going for him if he wanted. Instead, he snagged the cover of Rolling Stone and the pervy photographer who shoots it actually tells Jamal, “I wanna be inside you,” as he directs him to play the piano mid-shoot. And Jamal doesn’t think anything about that was weird. Cue eye roll from his too good 4 life boyfriend and also, me. C’mon Jamal. Be better.

In the land of mental instability, Andre confesses to that wifey of his who looks like a real smokeshow—pregnancy clearly agrees with her—that God has been speaking to him and what he’s saying is dig up Vernon’s body that they buried and turn it into the cops so he can get back to working at Empire. MAKES TOTAL SENSE. Instead of being like hey Andre, let’s tune God out on this one, Rhonda’s like I’m all in, ride or die, yo. Except for the minor detail that they buried him surrounded by identical trees and the only note they took from where they stashed a dead body was that the tree had a hole. GENIUSES. Naturally they run into a little snafu of finding ole Uncle Vern.

But before the amateur murderers get themselves in a pickle, we have our glorious Lyons bro music video shoot consisting of some pyrotechnics, a jungle gym, video hoes (obv) and Jamal wearing a hat that can best be described as something straight outta the Cuban revolution. WHO OK’ED THIS? While we’re on the topic of fashion, Cookie shows up in a hot red leather Michael Jackson outfit adorned with gold chains but before she can shout sassy things at her bickering sons she’s arrested and I literally get down on my knees and pray that she gets to keep that number on for her mugshot. We don’t get to see but it does turn out that Prosecutor Cleavage is after her to give up the deets on Lucious. Not so fast though, Cookie gets a cloudy look in her eyes and flashes back to the man she once loved, serenading her with the beautiful words, “You ain’t nothin’ but a snitch, bitch. Snitchin’ ass bitch” in a jail broom closet and decides to clam up. Just kidding, she has flashbacks to her awful, lonely days in jail, WITHOUT A WIG, and decides to craft a story for boobs on boobs so she can get the hell outta there. She confesses that Bunkie and Lucious were arguing over the Apex radio deal knowing that miss Yabbos will stop the deal while Cookie moonwalks away.

Unfortunately while she’s in a holding cell trying to keep her sons safe from threats of being smothered to death by the prosecutors’ chest, her two youngest are back at each other’s throats. The creepy photographer unveils a painting of Jamals’ cover shoot that he probably had some private time with earlier sans pants and Hakeem sees Lucious & Jamal drooling all over it before declaring, “It’s the most ugliest painting I’ve seen in my life.” He has a real way with words. Then he stabs the painting and the brothers beat the shit out of each other mid-music video.

In other very conventional family bonding, Lucious and his purple suit lawyer Thirsty surprise attack the gravediggers right about the time they realize they’re not really cut out for the body burying business. They tracked Andre’s car, NBD, and Thirsty just happens to carry around a body detector. Bingo, bango they’ve located Vernon’s deteriorating remains and we have ourselves a very proud father-son moment. Dre is given a warm murderer welcome back into the Empire and all is well. Except for Vernon, who gets a personal goodbye from Lucious in the form of “You will rot in hell you snitch.” Obviously Vernon didn’t live long enough to learn a quick lesson from Lucious’ number one hit “Snitch Bitch”. It’s a shame really…it could’ve saved his life.

Hakeem, now the most hated son, hits a Latina Michael Buble bar to pout over a drink and think about apologizing to his brother. Instead he discovers a fresh out da womb Latina singer performing in public for the very first time and girl can wail. His jeans suddenly get real tight as dollar signs and perhaps a new bath buddy dance in his head. Target acquired for the girl group that won’t die—unlike Vernon, whose very dead rotting body is straight chillin in Prosecutor Cleavage’s car the next morning. Lucious may be a bona fide cr33p but don’t ever doubt his creativity.

Cookie-isms:

“Tell me a grandma got an ass like this.”

“Do I look like I catch a subway?”