Tag Archives: TV Recap

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor -No Signs of Intelligency

corinnetaylor

For the record, I don’t even want to recap this episode because it was the perfect example of what happens to The Bachelor when we start the”to be continued” cycle and F everything up. This epi was 1 hour and 58 minutes of paint drying and 2 minutes of drama that IS SUCH A CLIFFHANGER. I’m over it. You hear me, ABC? #OVER.IT. But I’ll still recap now that I’ve laid that out on the line because I owe it to my millions of fans to deliver a weekly recap that makes fun of these dum dums.

We pick up this week with Taylor and Corinne still fighting. Or really, Corinne is hammered and telling Taylor that she has stank face and everyone hates her. To make sure it really sticks, she tells Nick the same thing. To be fair, Taylor DOES kind of have stank face.

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Rose Ceremony (in the arctic tundra): Danielle L, Kristina, Raven, Whitney, Danielle M, Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine, Vanessa, Alexis, Corinne, Taylor

My girl Sarah was left out in the cold. Literally. Someone toss that girl a coat, she’s as white as Mae!

AND for another week, Nick shits on Bachelor brackets everywhere by sneaking Jaimi and Josephine, the J’s that don’t belong, right on through to the next round. The next round happens to be a TRIP TO NEW ORLEEEEAAAANNNNNNNNSSSS! I mean, it’s better than Milwaukee.  Chris Harrison interrupts the girls jumping on their hotel beds like they’ve never stayed in a 3 star chain hotel before looking fresh as a motherfucker in a linen blazer. He must be cashing mad checks on that romance novel of his.

Where Have You Beignet All My Life with Rachel

Pretty mad at producers for telling the girls how to pronounce beignet before the cameras started rolling because I know good television and it is watching Raven butcher a French word with her hick accent. MISSED OPPORTUNITY. Anyway, Rachel, who if you recall got the first impression rose and pretty much hasn’t done anything since, pretty much feels like she’s on a date with her boyfriend. We know this because she tells us. 3 times. Their date is sssssssuper chill (Nick’s words, not mine). They walk around the market, Nick puts an alligator on his head and says “I want to eat you.” Hawt. He follows up that top notch flirting with eating a beignet like a savage and there’s immediately a drought in my underwear.

Later on, Rachel tells Nick about a funeral she once attended in New Orleans because these girls are conditioned to talk about dead people on their one on one dates. She doesn’t mention who died, but like, does it really matter? Nick consoles her. I want to like Rachel because she seems to have her shit together other than making up stories about jazzy funerals but then she reveals that she calls her dad “Daddy” and I barf all over myself and immediately must hate her. Either way, she’s rosed.

Til Death Do Us Part with Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M, Whitney, Danielle L

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Nick takes the gals to a haunted house where we meet a very sweaty caretaker named Boo. Boo, like every hired actor on the Bachelor is a true character. Him and his crazy eyes warn the girls about an 8 year old ghost named Mae who kicks it at this mansion. This is the part of the night where they waste an hour of our time flipping on the night vision cam to watch a bunch of biddies play with a ouija board and run around a staged mansion screaming. Listen, I’ve seen the Saved By the Bell Murder Mystery episode. I know that the killer is always the host. I’ve got my eye on you, Boo. Stay woke.

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Most importantly, the highlight of the mansion is Mae’s doll, which lives in a glass case of emotion creepy. This doll is more terrifying than any ghost could ever be and suddenly it goes MISSING?! No doubt this thing walked right up out of that glass case and is hiding under a bed somewhere waiting to strike. Cause that’s what dolls do. When I was little my mom had ceramic dolls made to look like my sisters and I. It was meant to be a gift but actually it was a nightmare and it’s no coincidence that as I went to find a picture of it, I saw that I tweeted this exactly a year ago today:

It’s an omen. I wouldn’t be surprised if that one-eyed doll strolled into my apt tonight and slaughtered me. If I know anything, it’s that dolls only really need one good eye to murder.

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Anyway, back to the morons…after Jaimi puts on a show about not being afraid of nothin, someone muses like a philosopher in the night, “Do you think…like…we’re more scared here than those two are at home?” Cut to Corinne giving herself a face mask and a bubble bath while Taylor sniffs glue. Yeah. They’re terrified.

Danielle M feels like her connection with Nick got deeper because she explored his mouth a lot. She is rewarded with a rose (from under a glass jar because this week we’re shoving Beauty and the Beast promotions down everyone’s throats.) Raven admits to Nick that she’s fallen in love with him. She’s rewarded with nothing but fond memories of Nick’s roller skating skillz.

Meet Me in the Bayou with Corinne and Taylor

Ah yes, the 2 on 1 date that many anticipated and all know the result of. Mental Health Counselor vs. Multi-million Dollar Company CEO. Emotional Intelligence vs. Intelligency. Stank Face vs Boobs. Tale as old as time. (See what I did there? Beauty and the Beast plug like a MOFO.)

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They go on a ride through the bayou to a clearing where a “voodoo priestess” wearing a woven fedora and a gauzy maxi skirt talks about spirits or something. Boo was more riveting than this chick. The lady doing the reading is wearing a triangle bandanna that I used to rock (attached to a headband) ala MK&A’s clothing line from Walmart. These costumes are downright ridiculous. Regardless of the out of style headwear, Miss Cleo senses a lot of tension amongst the three because, like, she’s a professional. She plays Go Fish with each girl so Nick can hear both sides of the catty story. Corinne says Taylor bullied her, Taylor says nothing because her face is permanently stankin.  Obviously Nick chooses Corinne because we have yet to see her platinum vageen (shoutout to this season’s previews for killing the suspense of this date.) Taylor decides to get a backbone, and some help from the hired voodoos who cover her in water(?) oil(?) whatever, she comes back with a vengeance. I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN!!!!!!!

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Can’t Escape the Poop

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Now that we’ve been blessed with one “to be continued”, we will start off with rose ceremonies for the rest of the season and end with the dumbest three words a TV show could end with. Obviously this will be continued, we’ll see you same time, same place next week, ABC. You’re not building tension. Especially, when we’re back to watching Corinne sleep while everyone talks shit about her. She “sleeps” with a serial killer smile, probably dreaming of Raquel wiping her buhhole for her.

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Nick “I wear a hoodie to a pool party” Viall is still getting a dose of real talk from Vanessa (who if it’s not obvious, is too good for this show #feminism, #womensmarch). Nick tells Vanessa he gives an F what she thinks but wants her to be more patient with Corinne, specifically until hometowns when he can determine whether picking Corinne comes with unlimited amounts of Raquel’s cheese pasta. Sarah and Taylor crawl into Corinne’s bed to wake her up from her nappie and aggressively tell her to pull it together. This is really well accepted, Corinne apologizes, and everyone braids each other’s hair. Just kitten. Corinne throws a grade A bitchface, then uses her confessional to shout YOU DO YOU and IMMA DO ME a bunch of times. Don’t cross Corinne or she turns into a G, apparently. (After she’s had a full 12 hours of rest of course. Wiping the sleepies out of her eyes during the rose ceremony this week was a liiiiitttle much.)

Rose Ceremony: Danielle L, Vanessa, Rachel, Raven, Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Jasmine, Alexis, Astrid, Danielle M, Jaimi, Josephine, Sarah, Corinne

As the ladies reassure each other that they’re there because Nick sees a future with *each* of them, Chris Harrison enters with some riveting travel news. The girls are about to globetrot, first (probably only) stop: Milwaukee, Wisconsin. They all react like they’re going to Paris. Which is cute, and also sad. On the Nick front—there’s nothing quite like bringing 15 girls that you know nothing about to meet your parents! Chris and Mary Viall are nervous for their whiny bitch of a son embarrassing himself on TV again. His parents cry and talk about how much they love each other so in turn, Nick cries. It’s a real mess in Milwaukee.

While Nick snots it up with mom and dad, the gals feed some ducks because what else do you do in Wisconsin? Danielle L. gets plucked for a date and the leftovers debate jumping in the pond to drown themselves amongst the ducks. Did I mention how much I love when the bachelor picks a date in person?! So much insecurity, so little time. Anyway, FUN story about Nick, he once jumped in a river for 12 bucks! OMG he’s SO edgy. The hometown deli that conveniently greets Nick as if this was his second home makes “Nick-erdoodle” cookies of Nick’s face. He asks if he gets to eat himself. Gross, Nick. Clean it up. Danielle & Nickerdoodle smush their face cookies and then smush actual faces. But then DRAMA, while strolling through downtown N&D “accidentally” run into one of Nick’s exes who totally didn’t sign a waiver and mic up to be on camera for this bit or anything. Amber the ex has nothing but great things to say about Nick because producers are framing Nick as a good guy now, duh. His good guy façade is tested later on when Danielle goes full on tits out for the boys. Damn, girl. Even though I can barely focus on anything other than her near nip slip, she confesses that her parents have been divorced since she was 17. Not only that, but Danielle slyly adds in “so it’s been ten years” to really hammer home the point that she’s not a child bride like 90% of the contestants this season (FOR A THIRTY SIX YEAR OLD) and I respect the hell out of it. Danielle’s ok in my book. She’s a grown up and a total babe. She gets rosed, cause boobs PLUS the final surprise of more slow grind dancing onstage at a concert, this time to Chris Lane. Kind of a downgrade from BSB, tbh.

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Say Cheese with Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle M, Corinne

The entire remaining cast except Raven walk up to Nick breast feeding bottle feeding a baby cow, as if this is business as usual. He’s about as country as “Farmer” Chris was when he did pushups on hay bales. The premise of this date is that the girls have to work on a farm because the farm industry is declining and labor ain’t cheap. Also, if you recall the highly esteemed show The Simple Life, watching privileged girls bale hay and shovel shit is entertaining AF.

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Josephine chose her brightest white pants and Corinne sits on a rock in the field—because she lost circulation in her hands whilst digging poop. SHE ALMOST HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. I bet the hospital has prime napping beds, jus sayin. Jaimi’s good at milking the cow; because of course the lez knows her way around a nipple.

After everyone has showered, gotten a blowout, a full face of makeup and put on their tightest dress to show Nick that they can be a farm girl AND a vixen…it’s time to gang up on Corinne. Ya girl Corinne goes from full-on Gloria in Wedding Crashers to telling all the girls to stop talking shit about her and say it to her face. And, they did.

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Sarah asks Corinne if she thinks she’s ready to marry a 36-year-old man. Valid question but like, Corinne is being groomed for Paradise and everybody knows it. She can parade around a fake engagement ring on insta all she wants but she’s already got a ticket to the sex island this summer. Then Kristina and Corinne get in a fight but I’m not really sure what it was about because I straight up don’t understand a word that falls out of Kristina’s mouth. What I do know is that this disagreement occurred while Corinne was sitting on a lifeless Josephine covered in a red blanket on the couch. Kristina got the rose but Josephine deserves all the roses for somehow still being on this show AND contributing more to a conversation just by passing away on a couch.

Let’s Kick It with Raven

Nick suddenly transforms into a soccer coach for little sis Bella and her team. He just wants to have a regular engaged couple Saturday with the fam and see if Raven can hang. I just want Raven’s accent to change so my ears stop bleeding every time she speaks. Speaking of that beautiful accent, she uses it to ask Nick’s parents if they had to spank him a lot growing up. What an approps first question for your boyfriend’s parents. Typs soccer game fodder. Raven is a keeper. Bella approves as they bond over blue icee’s at Skateland. Bella’s going to watch this back in 5 years, see that monster blue mouth of hers and be mortified. Kind of like Nick should be for bringing his pre-teen sister on the same show he’s had sex on, twice. Nick and Raven skate it up like a couple of pros. Props to Raven for being that coordinated (and not puking on their date). Later on, Raven paints a Lifetime original movie picture of the time she walked in on her DOCTOR boyfriend cheating on her with a bar slut. Even though it came out…real….sloooowww…I was on the edge of my couch in anticipation during this tall tale. She KICKED the door down and administered a STILLETTO head beating! If “I Know What Her Vagina Looks Like” isn’t released within the year with a terribly cast Raven-lookalike, I will be THE MOST disappointed in Lifetime. Either way, Raven gets a rose because she had to see her boyfriend thrusting over another girl. They sk8 it out.

Cocktail Party

Taylor is a lurking asshole who WENT TO JOHNS HOPKINS and is “emotionally” smarter than Corinne.

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Josephine and Corinne basically sit on each other’s laps talking about Taylor and shoving apps in their snackholes at rapid speed. It’s easily the best scene of the night watching these two hungry bitches motor through the passed hors d’oeuvres. I haven’t seen dedication to grazing like that since Chad met his lunchmeats.

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To…be…continued….

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Man Tanks Galore

 

BACKSTREET BOYS, NICK VIALL

If you recall, last week was a “cliffhanger” when Nick sent Liz packing and was FORCED to reveal that he sucks in bed had sex with her already. Nick just wants to be up front with everyone because he was SHOCKED when Back Tat got out of the limo. Or more realistically, he was shocked when Chris Harrison had to take him aside to remind him that he’s boned this girl already. He addresses the ladies that they met at JADE AND TANNER’S wedding (are they cashing in on this like product placement? I hope so) and had sex. Then apparently Nick thinks he’s hosting his own epi of Loveline because he opens it up to a Q&A segment with the ladies. He takes each girl aside to reassure himself and make sure no one is judging his sex life. The girls all think he’s suuuper sensitive and concerned with their feelings, so that worked out a little TOO well. Some girl in a yellow dress talks about how worried she is about Nick’s confession. I literally have no clue who she is. I’m confident ABC just tossed in an extra to fuck with us.

Speaking of jokes, Corinne sneaks upstairs to strip down and toss on a trench coat. She stands in front of the mirror practicing how to flash Nick. All I can do is picture Corinne getting ready to come to the mansion and ordering her nanny to pack an oversized trench coat in her suitcase, for obvious reasons.

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She sashays downstairs in this khaki-colored garbage bag and proceeds to shoot whipped cream down Nicks throat and chase it with her tongue. Then in natural progression, she sprays it all over her boobs and asks him to lick it off. Nick loves that Corinne seems to be very comfortable with her body. YEAH HE DOES. The girls watch from a window in the house and immediately cry.

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Corinne gets interrupted and suddenly the whipped cream can is lying on the cold, hard ground. Corinne runs into the house and sobs that her relationship with Nick is over because he didn’t want to slurp whipped cream out of her lady bits while a bunch of women watched with jealousy. Then she passes the F out and misses the rose ceremony. Nick demands to know where she is as if the girls in the room have killed her and buried her body underneath that giant trench coat. He apologizes on her behalf. If anyone should be apologizing it should be Hailey who wore an actual bra to the rose ceremony and still didn’t get a rose.

Roses: Corinne, Danielle, Whitney, Kristina, Danielle L, Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jaimi, Dominique, Sarah, Alexis, Brittany, Josephine, Jasmine, Christen, Taylor, Astrid

Everybody! with Danielle L. Christen Kristina Whitney Taylor Jasmine & Corinne

The Backstreet Boys shows up at the mansion and the most shocking part about this is that Brian has a disgusting braided tail hanging off the back of his head. C’mon guys, you’re old but you’re still touring. Clean it up. They sing a quick song and all the girls try to sing over them. If BSB is standing 2 feet away from you singing, YOU LISTEN. What a bunch of disrespectful hoez.

The gals hit the dance studio with BSB and Nick in a man tank. Wittle baby Corinne isn’t loving this date because she doesn’t have an excuse to pull her tits out. She’s a bad dancer and she’s not getting enough attention. Not to point fingers, but this Thriller choreography isn’t doing her any favors. Kevin is wearing a fedora and tells everyone to wrap it up. It’s actually insulting to JT (the KING of pulling off a fedora) how bad he looks.

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Jus’ sayin.

At the “show” that night consisting of about 30 people, Nick’s cue to awkwardly jive onto the stage is the lyric “We’re gonna bring the flavor show you how” and I’ve never laughed harder. WHAT a contradiction. Danielle’s claw hands shine the brightest because she wins a slow grind with Nick to “I Want It That Way” while the other biddies glare.

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At the after party, Danielle gets more slow dance and smooch time and of course, a rose. Corinne takes my last and final straw. First she puts herself down for a quick nappie then she wakes up to tell everyone about her nanny Raquel, who does every single thing for her. Most importantly, her nanny makes the best cheese pasta. CHEESE. PASTA. That’s it. I’ve put up with a lot from Corinne mostly because I know she’s this season’s villain and all of her screen time is edited/staged but I cannot any longer. There’s no way producers could’ve controlled the dumb that dribbles out of her mouth. Choreography is not called planned dancing and cheese pasta is MAC AND CHEESE. AND YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF ONE SINGLE BOX OF KRAFT SHAPES, YOU DUMB BITCH. #Done.

“You Make Me Feel Like I’m Floating” with Vanessa

Vanessa and Nick get in a plane that casually nosedives to give them the zero gravity feel. Immediately I assume someone will be blowing chunks. If I were put in that plane I would probably cry hysterically the whole time. They do a weird air jig for a while; run into each other’s limbs a lot and then kiss. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for Vanessa to feel nauseous (or if you’re Sean Lowe: nautious) and puke a little bit. Thankfully for us, she doesn’t projectile but politely Ralphs in a barf bag while Nick literally puts his face on top of hers. Back up, bro! She’s spewing her insides right now. I don’t even want someone in the same room as me when I’m puking, let alone putting his forehead on mine and they met like five minutes ago. Whatever, Vanessa thinks it’s adorbs how caring he is and they make out afterwards. YIKES. I almost had a chain reaction sitch just from watching them have a vom makeout. Gum doesn’t erase what just went down!

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Later, Vanessa compares her grandfather dying to coming on this show because he gave out roses from beyond his grave or something? Nick cries thinking about what will happen if “this doesn’t work out for him.” K. Vanessa tries to pretend she forgot about the rose this whole time, lolerskates. She probz didn’t want it after seeing Nick sob on their first date. She gets it anyway.

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“I’m done playing the field” with Rachel Alexis Astrid Jaimi Sarah Brittany & Dominique

Nick recruits his buds from the Olympics to help the girls run track. They obviously have no idea who these athletes are but put on a clinic of shock when they stroll up. I took a class in college where I had to watch a documentary on Carl Lewis and I couldn’t have pointed him out last night if you had put a gun to my head. Astrid decides to go with a minimal support “sports” bra and the cameraman wastes no time capitalizing on that. Astrid, Alexis and Rachel race for some natural hot tub time in the middle of a high school track. Rachel has hot hands and can’t grab the ring at the finish line, so Astrid, boobs flapping, scoops up the ring after almost stomping Rachel’s hand off and gets into the hot tub fully clothed. What a W for her.

After Astrid’s leggings probably melt off, Dominique has a meltdown because Nick hasn’t paid attention to her at all and this was her first time she was allowed out of the mansion. Instead of using her time to have a conversation and learn about Nick, Dom comes in REAL hot and tells Nick that she thinks he’s not giving her a fair chance. He didn’t pull her aside to ask how she was doing during the date and that was NOT OKAY. Nick says, GIRL, BYE. So that kind of backfired, huh, Dom?

Pool Party in lieu of Cocktail Party

The girls are all horned up, cause pool party, and the minute Nick steps outside, all hands are on his abs. It doesn’t really matter though because once Corinne rises from the dead it’s game over. She surprises Nick with a bounce house and then straddles him inside of it. I asked for a bounce house for my 21st birthday party and my parents told me they had a weight limit. This has nothing to do with Corinne turning a bounce house to a bounce sex den but I needed to bring it up because I’m still bitter about being denied the best party ever and I’ll never stop talking about it. Anyway, after he goes for the two-handed ass grab and all the other girls watch with a Whitney circa The Hills Season 2 surprise face, Corinne goes back to bed because her work there is done.

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Raven tattles to Nick that Corinne has a nanny and doesn’t know how to clean a spoon. TELL HIM THAT SHE CALLS MAC AND CHEESE, “CHEESE PASTA.” I DARE YOU, RAVEN. Then Vanessa wants Nick to know that she saw him “riding her” and she’s judging him. Does he want a wife or just a F buddy? We shall find out next week. One thing I know for sure is that a pukey makeout bonds two people for life, and I don’t think Vanessa’s going anywhere anytime soon.

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Today’s bonus clip came courtesy of Josephine singing made up show tunes to Nick while my ears fell clean off of my head. So thanks for that, ABC.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – HE HELD MY BOOBS!

 

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Always a Bridesmaid with Corinne, Vanessa, Sara, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, Elizabeth & Brittany

Franco is a renowned photographer who wears a geometric print shirt with matching booty shorts and reflective aviators that really bring out his bushy mustache. He tells this group of ladies, “Whoever does a nice job I have a nice……surprise.” In this case I’m guessing surprise equals mustache ride by the way he creepily purrs that.

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Everything is going swimmingly with Corinne declaring that her and her white bikini-clad tits were going to own this game until Brittany strutted out basically completely naked looking like a total dime. Corinne handled it really well; if by really well we mean glaring at her and saying she wanted to punch her in the face. As always, once one girl gets bold and smooches Nick, they all jump on the makeout train. Lacey (always the bridesmaid never the bride) kisses Nick and says he tastes like Danielle. Sexy. Just to reiterate, being chosen as the ONLY bridesmaid and then tasting another girl on your date makes you A TOTAL LOSER, Lacey. In the event that you’re wondering what Franco is up to during all of this, he’s encouraging each girl to kiss Nick while he slowly strokes his D through his loudly printed shorts. During Taylor’s moment he whispers into the breeze, “This is the moment… because I know you from before time.” So THAT’S normal.

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Then we get to the part where Brittany and Nick have a nudie photo shoot in their leaves and Corinne turns into a giant jelly belly. When it’s her turn, she rips her top off and presses her breasts all over Nick in the pool. She then forces Nick to grab her boobs for the “Janet Jackson” pose. He seems uncomfy until about 30 seconds later when Corinne is announced as the winner. Good work, producers. Now every female is questioning if she should show her nipples to find true love.

CORRINE, NICK VIALL

Corinne can totally see her self just falling and falling and falling and grabbing and grabbing and grabbing and HE HELD HER BOOBS, GUYS!!!!!!! Although I wish that was something funny that I wrote, unfortunately it came directly out of Corinne’s dumb nanny-having mouth. (PS I stand by my tweet last night that “BUT HE HELD MY BOOBS” is now my go-to comeback for ever and ever.) Raven questions if Nick is looking for someone who will pop out her tits at any moment. The answer to that is yes and that’s obvious. Did Raven do her research orrrr? Speaking of, Taylor talks to Nick in detail about her psychology degree and Corinne comes to save him because THAT’S THE MOST BORING CONVERSATION EVER. I mean yeah, we hate Corinne and she’s dumb as rocks but like Taylor read the room and find something less snoozeworthy to talk about. Obviously Nick is going to prefer to talk to the minx that will gyrate on his lap instead of the one explaining the human psyche to him. NOT SO FAST THOUGH—Taylor “re-interrupted” and that’s no bueno in Corinne’s book. Because she’s classy. Again, her words, not mine. Yes that’s right, Queen of interrupting who made a point to tell the other ladies that you don’t come on this show unless you want to get interrupted almost stabbed a bitch over getting interrupted. Did I say interrupted enough? Also, Taylor thinks Nick likes her for her brain. Methinks he likes it when a girl rubs her tits all over him because Corrine gets the rose.

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Meanwhile, Liz won’t shut the F up about how she slept with Nick already. Seriously, every sentence that falls out of her mouth starts with “I met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.” Oh DID YOU?! During poolside times, Liz tells Christen that she banged Nick and doesn’t spare any deets. Then she talks about all of her insecurities, which is obviously a good idea to do with a girl you just met, whose competing for the same guy’s affection.

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I don’t remember what this date was called but it was probably a flying metaphor with Danielle M.

Danielle maintains her spot as cute good girl and snags a helicopter ride that landed on a yacht. They’re like, having so much fun and they’re both from the same town. So you could say there are sparks. They hot tub on the yacht, because of course. At dinner, Nick talks about how he’s been on previous seasons of the Bachelorette as if none of us know, and Danielle admits that her fiancé overdosed and died. A liiiitttle deeper than getting rejected on 2 TV shows B2B. Nick respects her more for going through that and she gets a rose.

We Need to Talk with Christen, Kristina, Astrid, Jaimi, Christina, Liz & Josephine

According to my equally as sasshole sister, this is the B team group date including a Russian, a dude, a lez, and a kiss & teller. Couldn’t have summed this motley crew up any better. They go to a museum of broken relationships. This is a special place where everyone donates their crap that reminds them of a breakup and it’s called art. Nick’s addition to said crap is the ring he picked out for Kaitlyn that he didn’t even a little bit pay for and should’ve returned at the end of the season. It’s certainly not crap but it IS embarrassing that he gives such a bullshit emotional speech about it right before he participates in performance art breakups.

In order to get in the mood for acting, the group watches other couples pretend to break up and Nick literally sits there eating his fingers like a giant weirdo. The girls show us what you would’ve immediately assumed upon looking at them: they’re terrible actresses. Why else do you think they ended up on reality TV to become stars? Josephine slaps Nick silly and tries to kiss it better. The only thing that will make that better is Josephine actually breaking up with Nick and disappearing forever. Jus sayin. Liz goes the dramats route and reads a speech from her diary about how they met and how it made her feel. It gives Nick ALL the uncomfies. Nick is butthurt that Liz made that news public but I think he overestimated how smart this group of girls is because none of them caught on that this was a non-fiction piece. They were all like whoa Liz got really deep with her part, BRAVA!

Later on, Christen takes her first opportunity to narc on Liz during her one on one time with Nick. I mean she was calculating that moment since the second Liz spilled the beans. Obviously Nick wasn’t LOVING that the girls were talking about the drunken night and that can only mean one thing: he sucks in bed. Jaimi dated a girl once because OF COURSE the girl with the septum piercing who walked in on night one with the phrase I’ve got balls is also a little lez. And finally, Nick tells Liz to kick rocks and DRAMATIC TWIST; he is forced to tell everyone that he wedding boned her. It’s to be continued because there are just not enough hours in the night to cover the meltdowns that will result from this news. No rose ceremony but we do get a bonus scene where Alexis celebrates her boob birthday and they eat boob cupcakes togets. Keep doing you, Alexis. You fake-boobed dolphin aficionado, you.

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Television, Uncategorized

The Bachelor – Fourth Time’s A Charm

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“We’ve got a shark that thinks she’s a dolphin, so that’s a concern.”

I tried to approach this season of The Bachelor with an open mind. (I didn’t try that hard) and I got to about 30 seconds in when they have Nick announcing he’s the Bachelor over and over again and I was already enraged. It appears as though his lisp, which was once just for the letter s, now applies to “ch” because he announced he was the next Bassshhler. So, this season is off to a hot start. What I can take solace in, is the fact that everyone on Twitter agrees with me, and since the Bach community is behind me on this one, I feel like it’s sanctioned to hate watch the shit out of this season. Not even a low-angle shot of him getting into the shower 1 minute later could make things better. Although, a gratuitous ab shot never hurts, Nick immediately erased it from my memory when he declared, “I’m gonna give America a happy ending.”

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This year’s round-up of sage advice came from Boring Ben, Farmer Chris and Vampire Sean. Seriously though, Sean came back from the dead for this taping. Chris still has pit stains down to his ankles, so there’s no news there. As my friend so nicely pointed out, I too suffer from hyperhydrosis and shouldn’t be laughing at others, BUT I also don’t go on national TV so like, clean it up Chris. Or at least wear white. Sean barely speaks because he was pulled from his coffin to exist in the harsh rays of sunlight for the first time in probably a year. Chris delivers a couple of insults because he’s a big sweaty bully and Ben is just humble ole Ben, singing the “be yourself” song to Nick. (Worst advice ever, Ben.)

Now’s the part where I break it down by lady because half of these bitches get promptly kicked off anyway and we’ll never need to remember them. If a girl doesn’t get her own blurb it’s because she’s a real snoozefest.

Rachel– This is the lawyer, who after a long day of lawyering loves to unwind with vacuum karaoke. Hey girl, if you love to sing and dance, hit up the bars—there’s no need to drag cleaning into this. At the mansion, Nick and Rach talk about her family, her job and football. He seems way more interested in her than he should be. He also tries to flirt by asking her if she has a favorite uncle. Smooth moves, Nick. She gets the first impression rose and a kiss.

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Vanessa the teacher from Canada, speaks both French and Italian in her intro. We get it. You’re cultured.

Josephine has no business being on this show and also, meows at her cat. As if that wasn’t weird enough, she shows up to the mansion with a book and inside of said book is a cut out with a hot dog in it. A prop she carries from a limo just so that she can tell Nick, “You’re a wiener in my book.” AND THEN SHE ASKS HIM IF HE WANTS TO LADY AND THE TRAMP A RAW HOT DOG. ABC really toeing the line with a little primetime raw-dogging. Did I make that sound more disgusting than it actually was? NO. NO I DID NOT. I had to watch two humans treat a raw piece of meat like it was spaghetti and ruin a Disney classic. Nothing is sacred anymore. Spoiler alert: according to Josephine “It went down real hard.”

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Raven owns a boutique in Hoxie, Arkansas so you know she worked really hard in the fashion industry to see this kind of success so early in her life.

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Corinne still lives at home and makes her nanny bring her snacks like she’s fake Casey from Laguna Beach shouting at Conchita for a quesaDILLA. Her intro video is not unlike Elle Woods’ submission for Harvard Law and everyone should be embarrassed for her. But don’t judge her because she runs a “multi-million dollar” business. Cough cough works for her dad cough. As the front-runner for most hated biddy in the house, Corinne take the first steal of the night AND the first kiss. Everyone calls her a slut all while seething in jealousy. All I really want to know is what that bag full of tokens are for. Cause Nick didn’t even have to pay the toll for that smooch, so what equates to a token with this chick?

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Alexis of New Jersey is so zany that she WALKS TO CVS IN A SUMO COSTUME (when cameras are there.) She’s our ringleader for the dolphin obsession this year and as I predicted in my ranking, shows up dressed like a dolphin. Except she’s actually wearing a shark costume. Classic mixup. When everyone tells her she’s a shark she just makes dolphin noises. Cause like, DUH. SHARKS DON’T SOUND LIKE THAT, GUYS! She’s also really hammy sammied and wades through the pool in said shark costume.

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Taylor is a mental health counselor and also a contestant on a reality TV show to find love. She is a walking oxymoron. Upon meeting Nick, Taylor told him that her friends think he’s an asshole. You sure know how to win a guy over, Tay!

Liz is the doula who I judged a little before the season because she talked about birthing her niece and that’s kind of gross. Plot twist: what none of us knew is that she was Jade’s maid of honor and actually already had wedding sex with Nick. Naturally Nick doesn’t remember her at first until Chris Harrison pulls him aside to tip him off, because we’re not allowed to think Nick is a douche anymore now that he’s the Bachelor. Even though Liz should be a little peeved that her drunk one night stand was not one for the books, she says more than once: “I’m kinda glad that he doesn’t remember we had sex, it keeps the mystery.” Liz is obviously pulling the classic if I act like a chill girl on TV, guys will want to date me. Because if someone big-timed me like that I would go apeshit. During their hang later on, Nick spin-zones not remembering into WHY DIDN’T YOU EVER CALL ME? By the end of the episode it becomes very clear that Liz will tell everyone in the house that they had sex to get the upper hand. Especially when she goes on and on about how she’s not worried about other girls kissing him because she did it 9 months ago. Def don’t worry about it Liz, it was a ReALLy memorable smooch. (PS, You’re CRAZY!)

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Danielle L. put her tits out for Nick and that’s all you really need to know.

DANIELLE L., NICK VIALL

Christen stands out in my memory because she was dressed like a neon banana, did a weird 10 second dance with a fan then asks Nick if he thinks she’s crazy. If you have to ask…

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Ida Marie does a trust fall in crop coords and I don’t hate it.

Olivia is from Alaska so she gives an Eskimo kiss. She then takes off her fur coat and tosses it at Nick. I think it was supposed to be sexy but it kind of just came off like Nick worked in coat check.

Sarah wears running sneakers because he’s “not a runner up to her”…OK girl. Also has a front tie on her dress that drives me nuts.

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Jasmine G. brings Neil Lane with her, who promptly gives Nick the most half assed hug I’ve ever seen, and she shows her engagement ring preference “to get it out of the way”. It’s a cocky move that I almost respect until we cut to her crying when she can’t get time with Nick like a little baby bitch.

Hailey drops the line of the night when she says, “Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says? Neither do I.” Methinks Nick liked that one because he immediately is like ok yes let’s get another hug in there! It’s almost like these girls know that Nick is easy…

Danielle M. seems like she’ll be taking on the role of wholesome girl this season. She’s pretty, she takes care of babies as a Neonatal nurse and they have a deep convo about it later where Nick wonders if she works in a hospital or like, out of the basement of her home or something. It was touch and go for a minute when they first meet, fight about who makes better french toast and Danielle feeds him a glop of syrup with her fingers–to which Nick says, I trust that your fingers are clean. YIKES.

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Jaimi-“You have some balls and so do I.” Pulls out a nose ring. Well that’s one way to kill a boner. Another way is by walking into a room full of girls and saying I HAVE BALLS! Preeetttyyy sure every girl in that room counted Jaimi out for their competition. As they should have.

Susannah gives Nick a beard massage and teases, “there’s more where that came from.” She did not get a rose, so I think it’s safe to assume her beard massage game is a D- at best.

Lacey rolls in on a camel and says, “I heard you like a good hump.” Camels aren’t sexy Lacey, and neither are you.

And if I may, let’s end this recap with proof that girls are assholes. First off, the biggest drama of the night was that too many girls were in red dresses. It started off as like 2 or 3 girls wearing red and everyone being like OmG twinnnies and red sisters for lifeeyyyy, boooooo ❤ Two minutes later another crimson girl rolls in and suddenly there’s murder in everyone’s eyes. “WHO THE F does she think she is wearing the same color as me????” Is what literally every girl in red is thinking. Glad we can keep it real though. #SoulSisters #LadiesinRed #SalsaGirlEmoji. Of course we also can’t forget about Shark-who is having an identity crisis as a dolphin-girl, who was the talk of the house (once everyone stopped yapping about their matching dresses.) At one point some biddy actually pointed at shark girl and slurs “sheee’s my spirrrittt animallllllll!” And another one goes “yaasssss omg I’m loving thisSssSs.” She wasn’t. Every one of these girls was judging Sharkey and thinking she looked stupid. And yet they told her she was killing it–which is why you should ALWAYS keep your head on swivel when you dress as a Super Bowl halftime joke from last year and walk around making high pitched dolphin noises. The more you know.

 

Roses: Rachel, Vanessa, Danielle L, Christen, Astrid, Corinne, Elizabeth, Jasmine G, Raven, Kristina (babbles with tears through the whole rose ceremony then gets a rose), Danielle M, Sarah, Josephine, Lacey, Taylor, Alexis, Hailey, Brittany, Dominique, Jaimi, Liz

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Pop Culture, Television

The Hills: That Was Then, This Is Now

It’s been 10 years since The Hills taught me that moving to a city in your twenties is equivalent to being a celebrity. It left out the part about not being able to afford an apartment with a pool, staying in with network TV on a week night instead of hitting the clubs, and having friends that DON’T give you diamonds for your 21st birthday. Whatever. The Hills MIGHT have given me unreal expectations about post-college life being as fancy-free as a Natasha Bedingfield song. That’s why I’m not sure why I’m so surprised that they duped me once again. LC made her big announcement about a month ago about The Hills “reunion” for all the fans that stuck by her side (Me, obviously. I buy all her clothes and still quote her daily.) They revved us up with an all day marathon of the reality TV glory (pre-Kardashian days.) And then what they delivered was a one hour special with LC, her parents, her husband and a couple of producers…talking about her life. They promo’ed both clothing lines, her charity work, and showed us how gr8 her life is now. I KNOW HER LIFE IS GREAT. SHE’S LAUREN F’ING CONRAD! And it wasn’t until that final credit rolled last night that I realized I had eaten that shit right up. I was tricked and yet I still watched it and tweeted about it and now I’m writing this recap. You done me good, MTV. But know that I’m disappointed.

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Since I’m assuming the majority of the world chose the ChadBear pooping his pants on Bachelor in Paradise over this snoozefest, here are your highlights. But seriously, I accept Dunks gift cards as a form of thank you for DVR’ing this then sitting two inches away from my TV taking ratchet pictures and videos to enhance this recap.

 

Things That Are The Same:

  • LC still rolls around Laguna in her black convertible, top down, blonde locks blowing in the ocean breeze. Gawd I wanted this to be fake but she’s just such a casj cool Cali girl. Her parents also still live in a kickass house with an infinity pool that looks across the ocean.*(see “things that are different.”)

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  • Thirsty ass bitches are friends. Left on the cutting room floor: Heidi telling Kimmy K at her housewarming party, “We’re the only people in American who have jellyfish.” This interaction EXPLAINS EVERYTHING and I can’t believe it’s been buried for this long.

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  • Audrina is like, really pretty. No seriously, LC talks about meeting “their very pretty neighbor.” It means she’s dumb, guys. Also this is pure bullshit because everyone knows Audrina auditioned to be in The Hills.
  • Brody and LC have 0.0 chemistry. Their first date banter about LC’s Cheshire cat smile and how it pretty much seemed like it was going nowhere was just the tip of the iceberg. Obviously producers fabricated the LC/Brody drama and now we have the proof! Like a couple of seasoned actors, they played along with: I like your smile, no I like your smile! *closed mouth kiss.* END SCENE.

Things That Are Different:

  • *Except now Mr & Mrs Conrad’s house is a shrine to LC’s magazine covers.

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  • Bitch intern Emily might’ve once shamed LC for being so uneducated in the world of flowers but LOOK AT HER NOW, she knows what garden roses are and runs a fashion empire. Where did you end up, Emdoggz?

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  • We now know that Jason was a RAGING alcoholic during his early reality TV star years. This is key as now we can unearth the real reason LC dumped his ass and a BTS peek at him hammered when they force her to “recreate” their breakup for the camera. LC was actually crying because it was morning and Jason was three sheets to the wind, or like a freckle past a hair? This scene alone is hilarious and then LC adds a very generic & monotone, “Jason had a happy ending and is sober and married.” Good for you, Jason. Sucks that LC didn’t get enough credit for telling ole spiky hair, BOY BYE because she was sick of dragging his dead booze weight out of Les Deux on a Monday night.

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(PS what a Dick for being drunk and saying LC isn’t acting normal.)

  • LC is a businesswoman now and realizes that MTV bought her Teen Vogue “internship.” Whereas back in the day she actually thought she was interviewing for it. Oh, honey.

Things That Deserve Their Own Reality Show:

  • William and LC. Seriously these two cannot be any cuter. LC babbles about fashion and William looks at her like this:

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He even attends her clothing line board meetings. RELASHE GOALZ.

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  • LC yelling at MTV for putting her and Spencer in the same room. These two HATED each other and seeing LC be like wtf, guys every time they snuck him into a scene would be all the entertainment.

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  • The amount of guys that Hills producers paid to chat/kiss/be LC’s boyfriend for the night. Seriously, the way they mic’ed up dirty Parisian guy before he even walked over to LC is impressive. Then they pulled the puppet strings to get him to kiss her. TV MAGIC. I guess this is technically the premise for Unreal but I’d still like to see more of their blatant producing of this show. LC was tipped off this guy was going in for the kiss so she ran away. I’ve never been more proud. That kiss would’ve been like a hit of dirt and nicotine. Stay clean, LC.

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But actually think about what it would be like to be 23 and out at a bar where every guy who chats you up has already spoken to your producers and signed a waiver. YIKES.

  • LC’s cat eye. No f’real. Her business savvy is impressive, her charity work is honorable but the most important thing is that winged liner. I will worship all day at the altar of her perfected Persian eye.
  • This house.  I think I actually wiped up a little drool just from an establishing shot of her yard. Holy MTV money.

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Noticeably Missing:

  • Segment on where Justin Bobby is today. What his spiritual beliefs are, if he’s washed his hair lately, if he still sweeps chicks off their feet with just one burp. You know, the important stuff. I would’ve even settled for LC giving us an unfiltered commentary on a classic JB scene.

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  • An apology from Lisa Love. She’s gotta feel like a real asshole now for Paris-shaming LC when she was just trying to check her 18-year-old boyfriend into rehab.

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  • A shoutout to William’s days in Something Corporate. Sigh. Tween girl in me is disappointed. HE USED TO BE A PUNK HEARTTHROB! HE WAS ONCE FAMOUS TOO! Give us that backstory!
  • A live look at Heidi and Spencer as aunt/uncle to Holly’s baby. Does Uncle Spence rub crystals on the little homeboy?

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  • Whitney’s reaction to a shocked face montage.

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  • An in-depth discussion of current events and politics with Audrina.

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  • LC mocking her worst fashion moments of The Hills. Cough cough, plastic black headband, cough.

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And finally, it wouldn’t be a real rundown on The Hills without mention of the most ridiculous couple. As a reaction to being iced out of the special, Speidi took completely different approaches, both with the goal of attention. Let us observe. Spencer went full Kanye:

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Heidi opted for the kill ‘em with kindness tactic. Hey Heidi, LC will never be your friend again. Stop trying. It’s been 10 years. Let it go, girlfriend.

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*Cue acoustic version of “feel the rain on your skin….no one else can feel it for you….only you can let it in.” 

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- A Waste of Three Hours

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“This is when the fireworks went off in each other’s hearts!”

Disclaimer: I overslept this morning and didn’t proofread this. Have at it.

You know how week after week for this entire season (A.C.—after Chad) I’ve complained about how much boring bullshit they’ve packed in to fill two hours? Well, add another hour and you’ve got the finale. I was stressed before this finale, mostly because I didn’t know when to take my ice cream break to pull me through. (I took it when Robby was on camera, obviously.) But also because I knew from the 4 same clips they kept previewing of JoJo crying that they had NOTHIN to fill that airtime. AND BOY WAS I RIGHT. It’s often the case.

In Phuket, Thailand, JoJo’s family has finally arrived. Also there are still a lot of monkeys. Unrelated, but kind of related.

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One monkey is a Robby and the other is a Jordan, and JoJo tells her family that she loves them both. Just a friendly reminder though, she hasn’t told either of the guys! “GOOD FOR YOU!” JoJo’s mom chirps in approval. You hear that, Ben? You big giant dirt bag I Love You slut! (He will never hear the end of that.)

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Jordan & the Red Hat Society

Jordan’s first up for family times and goes in for a bear hug with everyone, including JoJo’s judgey bros. They don’t immediately push him off, so either tey really like him or they were tipped off that he’s a Rodgers and they’re looking for a guest role in Pitch Perfect 3. Jordan gets everyone silly hats to wear because it’s his family tradition to make fun of each other. Do you think that’s why Aaron doesn’t talk to his fam? Because they forced him to wear a Mrs. Nesbitt hat at the dinner table so they could laugh in his face? It seems like an ironclad theory at this point.

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JoJo’s mom has had enough of giggle time because she drags Jordan aside immediately to find out if he’s a playboy. Soraya (didn’t know that was her name until they finally flashed that lower third) grabs Jordan’s hand and makes him promise not to break his daughter’s heart. He responds, before or after I ink a sportscaster deal with ESPN? Soraya then expresses her concerns that Jordan would make her daughter feel insecure AF because, “Who doesn’t like Jordan?!” Um, I’m just spitballing here but…Aaron? After talking a BIG game about how important it was for him to ask JoJo’s dad’s for her hand, he chokes real hard and skips on outta there blessing-free.

Robby Lays it on Thick

I don’t know if anyone has heard yet, but Robby loves JoJo. Naturally within 30 seconds of meeting her family he has to tell the detailed story of their date in Uruguay and how he just KNEW that he loved her, and how he hasn’t stfu about it since.

In great family advice, JoJo’s brothers remind her that she’s not picking her new years eve date. No seriously, this is basically all they added to this episode. WHERE ARE THE SASSY BROS OF BEN’S SEASON? They’re dead to me, now. JoJo’s mom didn’t even take a SIP of wine from the bottle. Instead she said things like, “Make JoJo the queen of your heart.” Okay, girl. Maybe you did slip some wine in between takes.

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Robby pulls both parents in to ask for the proposal blessing and uses JOELLE so he’s suuuper serious. It’s the cheesiest and most scripted speech ever. It is in between his cliché lines about lifetime love that grows that I truly discover who Robby is. He’s Eddie Haskell from Leave it to Beaver. He flashes those pearly whites and turns it on for the parents, kissing ass and using full names. What a little weiner. Unfortunately JoJo’s dad falls for it and is eager to blow up his daughter’s spot by telling Robby she totally loves him. Then JoJo’s dad boohoos because someone loves his daughter.

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When JoJo asks for her family’s opinions, they can’t suck Eddie, I mean Robby’s D harder. Papa Fletch is all, “Robby’s the kind of guy you want your daughter to end up with,” I’m assuming because he’s gay, and not a threat. Once JoJo learns everyone is Team Robby she’s like WTF you guys were supposed to pick Jordan! It could not have been more of a classic case of asking someone’s opinion and then when they don’t give you the one you want, you cry about it. So that’s what JoJo did. She cried and said she was confused and can’t pick. JoJo’s sister, who is present the entire time, doesn’t breathe a word. Is she being held hostage?

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Beach Day with Robby

Robby uses his last date to strengthen my hate for him. His opening line is, “Today’s my last day before I propose to Jo.” STOP CHANGING HER NAME. PICK ONE NICKNAME AND STICK WITH IT. Meanwhile, the camera man dives directly into JoJo’s nipples as she strips down to her bikini in preparation of using Thailand’s waters as a lubricant. THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW, YOU PERVS. I could’ve done without facebombing into JoJo’s ample cleavage. We get that enough with each rose ceremony sparkly skintight dress, amirite? To prove that Robby’s not just after JoJo for her body—because he thinks boobs are icky—he paints a picture of what their future would look like. It’s mostly right from a sitcom complete with a bundle of kiddies and a burnt meatloaf. Oh, and wine to make them forget that this is their life as a married couple. Sounds riveting. I’m one year younger than JoJo and if a guy I met a week earlier brought up cooking meatloaf and having kids screaming in the background as our future I would drown myself directly in the Andaman Sea. (BOOM. GEOGRAPHY.) I obviously had to google a map for that reference but whatever.

Anyway, two weeks of vacation really flies by when you’re smooching 27 guys and traveling the world. WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?! Since it’s been so long since they first met, Robby and JoJo reminisce over 4×6’s of their dates. Robby really wants to hear JoJo say I love you. Too bad, so sad!

Pirating with Jordan

Jojo takes in the sights and feels like this is something she would’ve seen on National Geographic. Don’t try to fool us that you watch anything other than MTV, JoJosephina. The J’s have a serious chat about how Jordan didn’t ask JoJo’s dad for her hand. He just didn’t think it felt right and he won’t ask until he knows it’s a hard yes. JoJo is confused. This is the part in the episode where they make it seem like JoJo isn’t going to pick Jordan. Jordan spends the whole evening portion convincing JoJo he wants her for life and regretting not asking her dad. I consider writing ABC a letter convincing them that all this could’ve been accomplished in a one hour slot.

Neil Lane’s Time to Shine

Jordan (after being shamed so hard) calls JoJo’s parents to ask permission via speakerphone. SO warm and sincere. Then he writes JoJo a notebook style letter and they each take a turn reading it, voiceover style as Jordan coiffed his hair and lint brushes his suit. Robby writes a dumb letter too. Apparently we’re getting into “hit you over the head” notebook reference territory. For the record, a note written on loose leaf on reality TV doesn’t even hold a candle to “I love you, I’ll be seeing you.” So stop trying to make it happen! JoJo reads both and cries declaring she’s having a panic attack.

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If you say it, it’s probably not true. I learned that old trick from my brother in law. Anytime I choke on my food (probably because I’m eating it too fast) and cough out “I’m choking”, he’s quick to point out that if I’m talking then I’m breathing and therefore not choking. Facts only. That’s not a panic attack, JoJo. That’s called feeling bad about dumping a human Ken doll on national television.

SURE ENOUGH, Robby’s out of the limo first. BYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYE!

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JoJo can’t let Robby get down on his knee, so she stops him to sob and tell him she doesn’t want to do this but BOY, BYE. She hasn’t improved one inch at dumping this whole season. JoJo’s heart is PHYSICALLY hurting after that breakup. Of course she already immediately misses him once he leaves.

Jordan shows up as JoJo is still crying a little bit over Robby. One of them declares that love doesn’t need to have scripts…which is nice but this one totally does. She loves him, he loves her, she slides that Neil cushion cut right on her ring fing and then makes a lot of sex moans while they smooch and cuddle. Jordan effortlessly flips her into his arms for a quick jog on the beach as he tells us about “our life” together. OUR IS PLURAL, JORDAN. IT’S LIVES. I let it slide once, but I cannot.

 

AFTER SHOW HIGHLIGHTS

  • Robby painfully asks JoJo several times why she didn’t love him as much as Jordan. It’s sad and cringeworthy. Take a hint, bruh. They cut to Jordan backstage primping his hair and it’s EMBARRASSING. Real talk though: I wonder if Jordan’s hair gets wet in the shower.

  • There’s a slight tease at the next Bachelor just so Chad can get up to point out that his mom died and he’s a marine and he too, deserves love. Chris says how about no? We don’t get a Bachelor announcement, so this after show was worthless.
  • JoJo looks hot AF in a sassy pony. Her and Jordan have gone through some hard times because of all the rumors. Their shelf life is end of BIP and that’s pretty obvious.

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  • Jordan continues to dodge all further questioning about GREEN BAY PACKERS QUARTERBACK AARON RODGERS. It didn’t matter if he said anything because Chris Harrison used that title in full roughly 15 times throughout the episode to get viewers to watch the entire after show. What a con artist. I hope GREEN BAY PACKERS QUARTERBACK AARON RODGERS sues the franchise.
  • JoJo and Jordan are moving in together in Dallas. For now. But more importantly, ABC is sending them back to PENNSYLFUCKINGVANIA. Seriously?! Out of all the places they could go, this is the prize? JoJo squeals in glee. I don’t understand anything. I wish these two nothing but fame.
  • Chris Harrison points out that Ben and Lauren are there no less than 100 times, to remind us that they’re still together and also that they have a reality show coming to the tween network very soon.

PS big ups to JoJo and Jordan for patting themselves on the back for not spoiling the results via Snapchat like Kaitlyn, yet forgetting to mention that this mouth-breathing dum dum did it for them when he gave an interview and revealed that JoJo gets along great with the whole family.

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HOW ARE PEOPLE ALLOWED TO DO INTERVIEWS MID-SEASON? Anyway, see you next season for The Bachelor with Luke. Not Luke Rodgers. THIS Luke.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Chad Tells All

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“Think about your thoughts before you say them.”

Welcome to Chad’s long-awaited return. Also welcome to a Salty Ju who endulged in Happy Hour on an empty tummy. If we’re being honest, last night’s show was more of a hot mess than me being semi-drunk alone on my couch. And that’s saying something. Let’s get right to it.

The cast of characters is the usual, Derek, Alex, Vinny, St. Nick, James (et. al.), Wells, Damn Daniel, Ali (?), Chase, Luke…then things start to get real ridiculous. We’ve got the Bachelor superfan (don’t know his name), the Asian with a kilt who referenced his dick size on night one and immediately was sent home, and Brandon—the “hipster.” Except, what’s that? Brandon took a pair of kitchen shears to his mullet and now that he has short hair, CAN WE STILL CALL HIM A HIPSTER? That’s what should’ve been the debate of the night. He midas whale be going for the full Jordan Rodgers at this point. That’s SO anti-hipster. Kind of like a Jersey barber getting ROASTED on twitter for his horizontal forehead hairdo and trying to grow out the flop for his next televised appearance. Did he eat Rogaine at the same pace that Chad guzzles ‘roids once he saw the feedback on his head?

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The best part about this was that 90% through the show, Vinny’s like, “Hey JoJo, you like my flow?” Uhhhh WE NOTICED, VINNY. Anyway, we’ll get back to the Mama’s boy later but first, Evan would like to kick off the show by talking about how stunned by JoJo’s beauty he was on night one. All he could say was “God bless America.” Well, that and, who’s paying for my ripped shirt that was provided by production? SERIOUSLY who’s paying?!

JK he didn’t bring up the cotton tee yet, but there was chitchat about the the Chad vs. Alex vs. Derek conflict, which apparently comes down to everyone being soldiers. I’m not sure why we need to drag America into this but I don’t think it appreciates being a part of this narrative. Wells calls Alex an American hero who only knows how to fight. Luke speaks up like a diplomat and is all, I was in the army as well, and everyone deals with it differently. For instance, Luke dealt with war by becoming a sexy but respectful cowboy. Naturally all conversation directs back to Chad and how even though he also is a vet, he’s just a plain asshole. Guess the soldier argument doesn’t really hold up now, does it? Thank you for your input, Wells. May I remind you that you had the “never been kissed” storyline this season.

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ABC brings Chad in like the villain in the wild west, complete with whistling. DON’T RUIN THIS FOR ME. Chad is quite literally the only thing I have left to grasp onto this season. As they play his season highlight reel, Chad giggles non-stop. It’s his boy-like wonder and glee as he watches himself yell about tossing torsos in the pool that makes me feel alive. Then he opens his mouth. And it gets 10x better. He uses a biddy voice to make fun of all the contestants for coming in like, “I just wanna know more about JoJo” and fires at any bro with a rebuttal that he has dirt on them. But really though… THAT’S ON THEM. Don’t speak up unless you want Chad to dig your grave and that’s preetttyyy obvious. Speaking of dirt, Chad’s been hangin and bangin with both Robby and Grant’s ex girlfriends since he’s left the show. He started talking to these chicks to prove that not all Bachelorette contestants are d-bags. This in itself is a phenomenal idea for a new show. Dating the girls left behind. I’d like Quinn King and Rachel Goldberg to produce it, stat. Chet can be involved too, if he really wants. No but actually. I need to see a live feed of Chad juggling Hope and Jen as he convinces each chick that every one of their dates needs to be ‘grammed so they can tag their ex-boyfriends. Sex tapes pending. Propsicles to Chris Harrison for asking if Chad’s been “intimate” with these women though. Dude. Where’s this forward line of questioning after the Fantasy Suites?!

St. Nick/the man who coined “Jo Jo Jo” in a santa suit/the guy who did this:

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has had enough. He’d like to spar with Chad in the middle of the soundstage. Chad doesn’t want to because they’re both wearing dress shoes and that would be a slippery mess. Don’t be an idiot, Santa. St. Nick promptly returns to the North Pole to tell the elves to invent non-stick dress shoes for his next MMA opp with Chad. Then Derek tries to speak up but his pocket square doesn’t even match his shirt so his opinion is irrelevant. Also side note: every person on this planet except me caught you bustin out those buttons, Der. Double also: they didn’t even make Derek watch himself sob in Argentina and I’m still pretty mad about it.

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Now it’s time for Chad vs Evan and a literal play by play of the shirt tear heard round the world. Evan claims he’s shaking everyone’s hands but he actually was pushing Chad, which provoked a real rip of that tee. And justice is served. Take that gofundme down because Evan doesn’t DESERVE to get a new t-shirt. I mean, THE NERVE.

Luke still loves JoJo and says that his pain making JoJo happy is all worth it. Yeah he’s a shoe-in for the next Bachelor. Chris Harrison brings up Luke’s military times and losing his close friends. Thanks for that downer, Chris, ya dick. On the up side, Luke is single and ready to mingle currently…with 28 new ladies. WINK WINK. As if that wasn’t obvious enough, Chris takes it further by saying, “It seems like you’re ready to love again.” WOW Chris, way to be discreet about it. Should’ve just had him sign the Bachelor contract on-air if you were going to drive the point home that much. On the flip side, Chase doesn’t regret saying I love you, cause JoJo taught him how to say feelings. Also quick reminder: he didn’t get any booty.

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Who’s the next bachelor? *Raises hand slowly*

Both men present an excellent case when JoJo comes out as they slobber all over her and thank her for the experience. Luke thanks JoJo for letting him love her. (Hearts flutter, vagina’s sigh.) Chase wants to know why he got a fantasy suite card just to get dumped. Ok, Nick Viall. He also adds that he’s thankful and JoJo shouldn’t feel guilty about how they ended things. Hey Chase, no hard feelsies, but it’s no competition. But seriously, no hard feelsies because producers making you watch that breakup back live is BRUTAL.

JoJo looks like a complete smokeshow and I’m pretty positive she was paid to give a shout out to kilt boy as she walked onto the stage. That’s literally the only reason he is present. scottishasianIn other men trying to squeeze their five minutes dry, James Taylor wants to take a moment to say that in a world where we have dating apps and we can “pick the chicks that are the prettiest and the most smart, ” he’s #blessed to have dated JoJo, who is the prettiest and the most sincere …but obviously not the “most smart.” Hey French Fry Mouth, it’s “SMARTEST.”

Chad takes his time to remind JoJo that her bottom two consist of a guy who dumped his girlfriend a week before the show and a guy whose famous QB brother doesn’t speak to him. Both valid points. In fact, I’m wondering if Chad ripped this directly from my recap last night. JoJo refuses to respond because Chad thrives off of backlash. Not our fault girl is blinded by the truth. A bunch of other guys including lil Al suck JoJo’s nip with compliments and Chad just grins ear to ear in the corner. We get it, you all love JoJo and want to extend your reality TV careers for as long as possible. Joke’s on you because Chad will probably be on TV for the next ten years. That’s not me talking, that’s this grand country of ours that puts batshit crazies on an island to bang each other every summer for Bachelor in Paradise.

In a last ditch bit, Vinny’s motha emerges from the crowd to scold JoJo. This is a woman straight out of Mob Wives, a blonde Big Ange, (may she rest in peace) if you will.

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Dripping in a choker and her Jersey accent, Mama Vinny tells JoJo that she made a mistake and her son is the greatest gift to this earth. JoJo says Vinny was her BFF in the house. What every man wants to hear.

The grand finale is some bloopers of JoJo swatting bugs away. SoOoO interesting. Then finally, it shows JoJo hysterically crying and trying to get a dog to say hello to her. The dog keeps walking. I can’t emphasize this enough when I say that this is every single interaction I’ve ever had with a dog. I immediately run to pet every dog I’ve ever seen/snuggle them and they run as fast as they can away from me. WHATEVER DOGZ. I just want to love you. Is this a metaphor for JoJo’s love life? I GUESS WE’LL NEVER KNOW. Just kidding, tune in next week for the 100 hour finale where she pretends she can’t make a decision but somehow she picks Jordan. Did I spoil it? No, no I did not because I can’t live in a world where Robby wins this.

 

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- A Double Kick in the Nuts

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“I got a fantasy suite card and then I got sent home. That’s like pull your pants down and kick me in the nuts.”

Last week we were left with the cliffhanger that JoJo might send her everlasting Nicholas Sparks character home and sPoILeR alert: she did. And that’s when I checked right on out of this season.

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In this scenario, this entire season was the white dog crap and I’VE HAD ENOUGH, JOJO. Luke stutters about seeing a future with her and thinking the magic was real like a wounded baby bird. JoJo is the crusher of all dreams and magic and I nearly reached toward my TV to give Luke a hug. It cut even deeper when his parting words were, “I’m sorry.” DON’T YOU DARE APOLOGIZE TO HER, LUKE!!! YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A PERFECT COWBOY STRAIGHT OUT OF AN EROTICA. JoJo sobs and says she misses him already. TOUGH LUCK, B. (If it wasn’t a trillion times obvious, Luke is top dog for The Bachelor now.)

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JoJo prays that this week of boning brings her clarity. Girl doesn’t need clarity because by narrowing it down to a guy whose probably gay, a guy who didn’t speak all season, and a famous-adjacent stud, I THINK WE ALL HAVE CLARITY on who she’s gonna give the final rose to.

ROBBY

It rains while Robby and JoJo get Thai massages. There is no happy ending. Later, Robby shows JoJo a letter that his dad snuck into his pants during the home visit. It basically says “You rock, don’t eva change. Love, Dad.” Robby wants JoJo to keep this probably forged letter to show her that his feelings are real. And to remind her that Robby’s “THE MAN!” He gets an invite to sleepover in her mouth. I close my eyes and ears. JoJo claims she’s in love with Robby.

JORDAN

Jordan and JoJo hike to a temple. JoJo modestly covers her shoulders to respect the tradition of Thailand. Her junderwear is totes fine though. Super conservative. It’s a true test of restraint when the two aren’t allowed to kiss in the temple considering just last week they conducted a real moanfest in a library full of high school kids. Instead they talk about JoJo’s parents and brothers…boner killllll. They’re coming out next week to meet the final two and Jordan can’t wait to show how much he loves JoJo. I’m appalled that it took this long for a JoBro’s cameo. Even farmer Chris’s country sisters with Kate Plus Eight haircuts had guest appearances during his season, and they had faces for radio. The bros BETTER deliver next week.

During dinner, JoJo freaks out because when she asks Jordan where he sees himself in a year, he’s like dunno! I guess it’s a turn off that her man doesn’t have a job. Makes total sense since she’s falling in love with a former swimmer and a former quarterback. Aim high. Also, of course she loves Jordan too. But she refuses to pull a Higgins and keeps her lips zipped. She does not, however, keep her pants zipped (I know, girl never wears pants, just go with the metaphor…it flows better) because Jordan gets dat fantasy suite. The morning after, JoJo recycles the same line she used on Robby, “we’re eating our first breakfast together!!!!!” So that’s really authentic. The producers give us gratuitous shots of Jordan shirtless on his balcony and as I believe the great Quinn King once said, the panties of America drip in unison.

CHASE

JoJo thinks Chase is SUPER playful because he pretends to eat a dead fish. Lolerz. That Chase! He always has some goofy bit up his sleeve! Chase s l o w l y tells us how JoJo’s personality and sex appeal are unstoppable. Someone’s thirsty AF for that fantasy suite. They frolic and dry hump in the water.

Robby steals time during the day of Chase, essentially just to further make me want to vomit. He just missed JoJo so much. He also needed a little more screen time to workshop what he should call her. We’ve gotten a variety of Jo, Joelle, Joj and it’s getting cringeworthy watching him figure out which nickname feels right. Answer: none of them. Pls take your glowing teeth and go away, Robby.

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After Robby interruptus, Chase reads the fantasy suite card because we haven’t heard it read aloud twice already this episode. It’s about as necessary as Chris Harrison entering every single week just to remind us that we’re on the last rose. At any rate, in the suite, Chase tells JoJo that he loves her and he admits he’s never said that to someone first before and with that, sealed his fate to leave Thailand and all it’s fishy smell behind. Lookin at you, JoJo. No but seriously, vag jokes aside, JoJo promptly breaks up with Chase. No booty for him. And if you’re looking for a little #MotivationMonday, look no further than Chases’ response: “So now love equals get the fuck out?” Golf clap. Enjoy your years of therapy, Chaseroni. JoJo sobs of course then follows him out to the car, refusing to let him leave on his own terms. After watching this 40 minutes earlier with Luke, I’ve had just about enough with JoJo’s breakup tactic. The guys aren’t supposed to comfort you when you’re breaking up with them, JoJo. That’s not how this works. Cut the cord and let Chase enjoy his road soda in peace.

 

Rose Ceremony 2.0

And the battle of the tight ankle pants and fluffy hair commences. I mean seriously, could these two do anything to stand out? They’re wearing matching G-D blue and khaki outfits like they work at the resort. Even Chase gets the memo as he interrupts JoJo’s soliloquy about dumping him. Chase isn’t back to ask for a second chance, he just wants to secure his place in the running for The Bachelor. If he ousts Luke for the title, there’s no telling what I’ll do. (I’ll watch the season and make fun of him every week, obviously.) Anyway, Chase leaves again and JoJo returns to use her annoying baby voice to give out both roses to her twin boyfriends.

 

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Now let’s all get ready for what’s really important…the return of Chad in all his torso-tossing glory to our TV’s.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- The One Without Aaron Rodgers

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“I know that Aaron won’t be there, but I’m excited to meet everyone else.”-The greatest lie ever told.

It’s time to hit up those hometowns and see how JoJo will adapt her style to each part of the country and what sibling will say something inapprops…spoiler alert: it won’t be THAT famous footballer. But first, let’s check in with Chase who’s managed to cling on to his spot in the final four despite lacking a personality. Looks are everything.

Chase: Highlands Ranch, CO

Chase and JoJo chitchat on a rock in the picturesque mountains about Chase’s parents and their messy divorce. It’s tough for Chase to talk about but JoJo rewards him with some tongue. The parents have to meet JoJo separately (in the same house?) so they don’t kill each other, Lifetime movie style. Chase goes on and on about how his dad wasn’t around much growing up but as soon as he sees him, he’s all up in his shit and tells dear old dad that he wants to be just like him. Hey Chase,

Then he asks how to not get divorced and kicks JoJo out so he can have a catch with his dad or something. If you thought that was touching then I’ll fix that real quick with an inspirational quote courtesy of Chases’ mom. It goes a little something like, “If you’re not having fun then you just need to have fun…cause…” Gr8 point. JoJo couldn’t agree more though because she wants to be gal pals with Chase’s mom SAH bad. The feeling is mutche because the mom gives JoJo a rave review—cause JoJo loves dogs and hates fish. WIFEY MATERIAL. Chase talks about how hard it is to say I love you since the big D (divorce, ya pervs), which makes it that much more cringeworthy when he FINALLY tells JoJo because we know he ain’t winnin. Also Chase and his mom cry a lot—which totes isn’t their style but now it is because they just did it on national TV.

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Jordan: Chico, CA

JoJo’s never heard of Chico, California but they have DEER! I thought I was watching Kaitlyn flap away from a bird in terror until I figured out those were JoJo’s flailing arms of glee just because some deer were playing in a park. Jordan takes her back to his high school where he obviously was the kewl and popular football player. They make out in the library and JoJo groans a lot. It seems particularly inappropriate until Jordan leads her to what I assume is an athletic office or football locker room covered from wall to wall in old pictures of high school football players. Look, I’m not not hinting at chomo vibes but I feel like in general we should all be more concerned about this shrine to football players past, featuring all the Rodgers bros. JoJo’s like oh, look your brother (he who shall not be named) and Jordan’s like k let’s go, date’s over. Jk he wasn’t that dramats but he did refuse to discuss it. JoJo tables it until she can approach every member of the family regarding the forgotten (yet most famous) Rodgers bruh.

Once JoJo meets the entire fam (but not REALLY the entire fam), Jordan’s mom, who could easily be a massage therapist with that soothing voice, tells stories of how Jordan was the spicy child who threatened to run away when he was little. What kid hasn’t threatened to run away? I did once and my parents were like cool, it’ll save us some money, good luck ya little turd. Anyway, JoJo hammers Luke about the Aaron sitch and Luke won’t speak of their brother that is dead to them either. Such a dramatic group. More importantly, what’s the best way to take the frontrunner with the fluffy hair down a peg or two? Show a pic of him as a serial killer.

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In summary: Aaron may not have been there physically, but JoJo made sure his presence was felt by the NUMBER of times she dropped his name. Also, she still has doubts that Jordan is a playyyaaaaaa and won’t want forever. Double also: Luke is trying to have the same hair as Jordan. Sucks2Suck Aaron, you’re not in the Rodgers swoopy hair club, YOU LOSER.

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Robby: St. Augustine, FL

Ugh. Robby’s still here. They take a carriage ride and every time Robby speaks I want to shut my ears off. JoJo is concerned that she’s just filling the void of his ex-girlfriend who he dropped like a month before filming. Burn city from Robby though shitting on his ex and saying he hasn’t thought about his relationship or missed her once. Woof.

Robby and JoJo walk into the house like they’re f’ing Mr & Mrs Claus with the number of gifts they’re holding. No wonder every cousin, friend or neighbor Robby has ever spoken to is there. Then Robby the frozen Ken doll turns melodramatic real quick. You know how much sleep Robby’s gotten? 0. You know how many panic attacks he’s had? A LOT GUYS. A LOT. JoJo tells his mom that she’s falling in love with him, which is stupid. Since Robby’s entire existence on this show revolves around his ex-GF, his mom breaks the news that there are rumors he dumped her for the show. Robby runs in to tell JoJo what APPARENTLY happened. I wish I was drinking wine instead of crushing a bowl of ice cream because I would’ve been so drunk off of the apparently drinking game. JoJo obviously freaks the F out because she was already worried about this. Robby reassures her that it’s all lies all while managing to trash Hope again by saying their relationship was over 9 months before it really ended. JoJo forgives him or whatever.

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Luke: Burnet, TX

JoJo is wearing cutoffs and cowboy boots for her return to her roots, or a basic bitch country concert. Either way I think we can all agree that Texas JoJo is the hottest JoJo. Even Luke keeps bringing up how her outfit makes his pants tight…which could be awkward considering that he surprised JoJo by throwing a backyard hootinannny with 50 of his closest friends. JoJo really jacks up her southern drawl because Texas Forever. Luke’s sister is a smokeshow, fist bumps to the Pell parents for creating that gene pool.

And then the real movie begins. Luke pulls JoJo away to tell her that he wants their future together. “I want us” he drawls as he pulls her in for a deep kiss while the sun sets on the farm. Is this a G-D scene from The Longest Ride? Interns set up a walkway of candles to a flower heart so that Luke can have his movie magic moment for when he tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her. There’s not a dry pair of undies in the world. Except apparently for JoJo’s as she declares at the rose ceremony that Luke’s gotta go. WHAT?! Are we missing something?! That Texas hunk must’ve gotten a producer tip that he’s on the chopping block and pulls JoJo aside right away to tell her he loves her. Well played, bro.

JoJo then has a Grade A bachelorette meltdown (in a dress fit for a Vegas ice dancer) because now she doesn’t know who to send home. WHO IS GOING TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND? WHAT IF SHE MAKES THE WRONG DECISION? She just DOESN’T know!!! I know! Pick Luke, you big idiot. He’s a southern gent who lives in the same state as you and hasn’t said one wrong thing this entire season. Don’t be a moron. But of course we’ll have to wait until next week to find out THE BIG DECISION of who will be gettin’ some in a Sandals resort suite. Big ups for whoever decided to give us a double whammy next week  with sex on Monday night and Chad on Tuesday night. That better make up for this to be continued garbage.

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