Taylor Swift – The Life of a Showgirl

Hand up, I let getting priced out of the Eras Tour sour me on Taylor Swift for roughly 3 years. My last track by track Tay blog was 2022 for Midnights–where I was already coming to the realization that I was burnt out on Tay. When The Tortured Poets Department came out in April 2024 and it was THIRTY-ONE songs long, I had to put my foot down. Respectfully, no. Who do you think you are? Morgan Wallen?! I was teetering on the edge of never listening to a T.Swift song again out of pure spite and resentment. How you gonna tour for two FULL-ASS years and not fix the broken system that was your ticketing where only the insanely rich were able to snag tickets?! If people are flying to Paris to see you because a Euro vacay is cheaper than driving an hour to friggin MetLife, something ain’t right, sis. Obviously I’m still not over it. So imagine fuming every day that we hear about how epic this tour is and how it’s a can’t miss once in a lifetime event and then having a movie in theaters and a feature film length album dropping mid-tour. SALT IN THE WOUNDS, BABE. I needed to take a breatheroni from my Swiftie lifestyle. I also was a little put off by how crazy the fandom had been getting. She writes good songs and is a marketing mastermind, but I WILL NEVER CALL HER MOTHER. Not even if there’s a FIRE.

Ok, I needed to get that off my chest before I say that obviously once a swiftie, always a swiftie, and when the Eras Tour ended and football season was over and she wasn’t being jammed down my throat every five seconds, I was able to heal from this trauma and with the announcement of The Life of a Showgirl, I was ready to be hurt again. A respectable 12 tracks was a breathe of fresh air and now that I’ve listened to it on repeat all weekend, it’s time to bring back one of my favorite traditions (that I started ELEVEN years ago) of making a new Taylor Swift album all about me and telling you what songs are good purely based on my own opinions and musical taste.

1. The Fate of Ophelia.* I’ve never loved a track one this hard since “the 1.” First listen I was head boppin, and by the 50th rotation of the weekend, I was doing full body rolls in the shower. Yeah, you’re welcome for that visz. WHAT A BOP! As a self-proclaimed writer, I loooove the rule of three’s and it’s something I do a lot in my own writing…have you ever read a caption of mine that doesn’t list three things? Probs not. This song is the catchy version of that. Me, myself, and I. The land, the sea, the sky. Your hands, your team, your vibes. A chain, a crown, a vine. INJECT IT INTO MY VEINS. I’d also like to take a moment to pat myself on the back because for someone who retained almost nothing in my 16 years of schooling, I somehow pulled it out of my ass that Ophelia is a Shakespeare reference and I was RIGHT. Anyway, the overall theme of this song is that she was waiting for love and it finally came and thank GAWD because if it didn’t she would’ve gone mad and drowned herself like that sad ole B, Ophelia. And I’d officially like to put it in writing that if my soulmate doesn’t enter my life by December 21st like Starr the very reliable and trustworthy psychic predicted, I will suffer the fate of Ophelia.

Best Lyric: ‘Tis locked inside my memory
And only you possess the key
No longer drowning and deceived
All because you came for me
I love a good bridge and also using the word ‘Tis will ALWAYS make me think of Hocus Pocus (‘Tis firm as stone!) and it is currently HP season.

She dropped the music video over the weekend as well and it is STUNNING. The costumes and visuals jammed into 4 minutes are worthy of an Oscar and exactly why I still love music videos. What a lost art. BRING BACK TRL!

2. Elizabeth Taylor.* When the beat drops on “I cried my eyes violet” ya girl is READY to do a millennial stank face and break it down. Never did I think that the creator of White Diamond perfume who had 45 huzzies would make such a bangerang of a lyric. B2B upbeat songs with infectious choruses and I’m already pulled all the way in to showgirl life. I read an IG comment from someone getting irritated that people are hating on this album and they’re like she’s in love and happy and people who don’t appreciate that aren’t in love or happy. And ma’am, I beg to diff. I’m neither in love nor happy. I’m fighting for my life to afford each very expensive day while also being repeatedly punched in the boob from every bill increasing this month, to my very first ticket, to apparently owing a buttload more taxes from 3 years ago. And YET, I can still enjoy zesty peppy love songs. And THAT is the real life of a showgirl. (Probably. I’ll let you know for sure when I have to start working at a Jersey titty bar to afford rent next month.)

Best Lyric: Don’t you ever end up anything but mine

3. Opalite.* Is it incredibly annoying of me to star the first three tracks? Obviously. But she was in her BAG when she created this one, two, three punch of her tastiest licks on the whole album. Honestly, I could fall off after these three songs easily because in my mind the rest of the album doesn’t compare. Admittedly, I hated this song when I first heard it. BUT I acknowledged that the reason I hated it was also the reason it was a dynamite pop song and everyone else was going to eat that shit right up. I knew I had to get over the hump before I would quickly be just as into it as everyone else. The hump, of course, being the “OH OH OH OH OH!” Rubbed me the wrong way the first time I heard it. But much like a clap break, I know what makes a song infectious and shouty Oh’s is always gonna do it for the gen pop. So far everyone I’ve talked to and every review I’ve scanned has Opalite at the top of their list. Reasons I had to let the Oh’s grow on me? These lyrics speak directly to my soul. Right out the gate with “I had a bad habit Of missing lovers past
My brother used to call it ‘Eating out of the trash.'” DAYUMN, Austin Swift with the diss of the century. One that I needed to hear as I’ve been eating out of the trash for a kewl 6 years now. Will 2026 be the year of the Opalite sky for me?! If it’s not, pls scroll up to item 1 and read what I’ll do. Hint: drown myself.

PS I also love drawing attention to “perfect couples” telling us sad singles “when you know, you know.” That phrase and those couples can F all the way off. See? bitter girlies can still enjoy love songs and be happy for newly engaged lovers because I’m just dancing through the lightning strikes, baby!

Best Lyric: And what a simple thought You’re starving ’til you’re not

4. Father Figure. Not the worst, and not the best. Numero quatro is definitely a hard crash from the dance party that is 1-3, but it’s not a skip, either. It’s got “The Man” vibes in its clear “F*ck the patriarchy” lyrics. Do I ever want to see Taylor fully cross dress as a man for a music video again? In the words of Michael Scott, NOOO, GOD! NO, GOD, PLEASE, NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! But I also laughed out loud when she sang I can make deals with the devil because my dick’s bigger. Not only is she talking about her dick size, but it’s in the chorus?! That’s some grown woman, I say what I want shit. We’ve finally graduated from the Taylor that seemed to be trying out the F word for the first time on Midnights. And while we’re on the topic, my 8 year old niece, a “top swiftie”, basically can’t listen to any song on this album because Taylor is R rated in her thirties and she’s not going back. You want a clean version? She’ll slap you with her dick. And with a whiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other, she’ll lean in real close and whisper, “I’ll protect the family.” And that’s mafioso Tay for you. She’s in her Godfather era. Kinda have to respect it.

Best Lyric: You’ll be sleeping with the fishes before you know you’re drowning

5. Eldest Daughter. As the youngest daughter, I hate this song. Kidding, that’s not why. I hate it because it’s slow, it feels out of place on this album, and it’s trying to do too many things at once. It’s a combination of what it’s like to be the eldest daughter and also an editorial on the state of the internet today. Just pick one topic per song, babes. I couldn’t get on board with this one and it will probably be skipped in future rotations. The beginning of it almost sounds like a late night show host put mean tweets to a piano ballad as a bit. “Everybody’s so punk on the internet” as the opening line? As my niece would say, that’s so cringe 😘.

Best Lyric: And things I said were dumb ‘Cause I thought that I’d never find that Beautiful, beautiful life

6. Ruin the Friendship.* I might be going through heavy The Summer I Turned Pretty withdrawals but the first handful of lyrics I was CONVINCED this song was written about Belly and her boyfriend brothers Jere and Connie. I was like HOW COOL IS THAT?! TSITP uses Taylor songs to score every episode and Tay gives them a wink back by writing a song about their characters?! I was gassed until I actually listened to the lyrics and they took a much darker turn. I guess she wasn’t singing about Bellz keeping it in the family. According to superfans/the internet she’s singing about a friend from high school who passed away. WompWOMPP. Same friend Forever Winter was written about, which is another sleeper hit. Anyway, I digress. I think the lesson learned here is always kiss your friends even if they don’t want it. Unsolicited kissing 4eva.

Best Lyric: But as the 50 Cent song played Should’ve kissed you anyway

*Note: the lyrics from the last two songs really stunk and I struggled with picking just one so I’ll go with 50 cent getting a shoutout because Get Rich or Die Tryin makes me nostalgic for high school and we love a pop culture moment just as much as we still love Fiddy.

7. Actually Romantic. Tay doesn’t do social media beef, she lyrically eviscerates her enemies. I mean, if I was Kimmy K, I wouldn’t have left my house again after Thank You Aimee was released. Now it appears she’s turned her sword (pen) on Charli XCX. I’ll remind you once again that I spent 3 years rolling my eyes at everything Taylor-related and even was in the “her relashe with Travis is a PR stunt” camp basically up until they got engaged. Which means I missed all of this goss that apparently while Taylor was slumming it with that dirtbag Matty Healy, Charli was engaged to the drummer of the 1975. Charli wrote a song “Sympathy is a Knife” where she said she didn’t want to see her backstage at her boyfriend’s show and crossed her fingers they’d break up quick. People assumed it’s about Taylor and now we’re assuming this clapback is about Charli. None of this is confirmed, it’s all hearsay, which is my friggin sweet spot. I love gossip and I don’t care about the environment. (Mindy Kaling quote that happens to fit my brand.) If it’s NOT about Charli, it’s just romanticizing living rent-free in your h8er’s head. And that’s pretty genius. It’s the 2025 version of “why are you so obsessed with me?!”

PS I’m picking up on heavy Olivia Rodrigo “Sour” sounds. I don’t know if that has to do with anything, but I’m willing to bet someone on TikTok will have a 5 minute video telling me it means she hates her too because of a look that was given 5 years ago at an awards show or something.

Best Lyric: It’s kind of making me wet (Oh)
This made me laugh out loud. It’s too perfect. Taunting someone who hates you by saying how much they think about you makes you wet. It’s so disgusting and so amazing and I’m here for the random jarring lyrics she keeps splashing in.

8. Wi$h Li$t. I want to love this song but I really hate when she sings in the high register in breathy porn star voice. Love the sentiment of this tune but wish we could’ve just sung it regular style. Material things don’t bring you happiness, but you know what does? Love and having your football player fiance’s kids, BB! That’s the American dream. Since Travis is beefy and Taylor is super tall, those should be really manageably sized babies that definitely won’t ruin her downstairs forever. Honestly, you can tell it’s past my bedtime if that’s where I just took this very wholesome song about having a basketball hoop in your suburban driveway instead of owning a yacht. SOMEONE PUT HER TO BED BEFORE SHE REFERENCES THE TEARING THAT HAPPENS IN CHILDBIRTH. Ok, goodnight.

Best Lyric: Please, God, bring me a best friend who I think is hot
I wake up every day and pray for this.

9. Wood. Let’s start off by stating the obvious. She sampled “I Want You Back” by the Jackson Five. I don’t have the physical album and thus cannot look in the liner notes to see if she gave credit to them, but rumors are swirling that she didn’t and that there are several songs on this album that sound exactly like other songs. I don’t think the biggest popstar in the world would be that dumb to not admit to sampling or mimicking popular beats, but I’m not the beat police. So I’m just putting it out there and we’re gonna keep it moving.

When I heard the sexual innuendo lyrics to this song I thought surely my Spotify has shuffled me on over to Sabrina Carpenter’s latest album. Because make no mistake, this is a Sabrina Carpenter song on a Taylor Swift album. I respect what Sabrina is doing in the “hot female who likes sex and makes catchy tunes that reference getting banged girl power anthem” space. She’s got her thing. She’s good at it. Only she can get away with an album cover with her on her knees and a “who me?!” expression on her face. Taylor has a completely different style. She didn’t show her belly button for like the first 10 years of her career. She didn’t swear in a song until 5 years ago. She’s amazing at weaving these tall tales in lyrics. This song felt cheap to me. It’s one thing to sneak in a jarring lyric here and there for a giggle, it’s another to make a whole dirty joke song. It felt like it didn’t belong and almost like she got wine drunk with Sabrina and slurred, “imagine if I wrote a song about being dick-matized by Trav!” And then they wrote it in a fit of cocky giggles, but then she accidentally recorded it and released it to the world. Perhaps it was just a bit that went too far. We’ve all been there before. BUT…it’s also got an undeniable 1971 hook that you immediately recognize, which makes you want to shimmy shake despite the horned up lyrics. So I’m truly torn. If you’re feeling spicy at a girls night and need a groove fest then smash play, but I can also understand it takes a particular mood to feel like hearing someone noodle on about their man’s noodle.

Best Lyric: Girls, I don’t need to catch the bouquet, mm To know a hard rock is on the way

10. CANCELLED!* As a certified Rep lover, I can always get down with a song that sounds like it belonged in Tay’s snake bad gurl era. I love when she sprinkles them in on other albums, like Rep Tay will never truly die, kinda like Vigilante Shit. Much like her witchy we ride at dawn hooded cloak days, this one is for the ladies and she’s standing up for cancel culture coming after women more than men. And folks, she’s not wrong. If you’d like a hard example, look no further than Charlie Sheen’s most recent doc, where he details the decades of absolute deplorable behavior between drug use and rampant sex and then turning that drug use and rampant sex into a brand that he legitimately TOURED across the country. Never once cancelled. In fact, that tour sold out. People wanted more. Charlie and Nicholas Cage are drunk/high on a commercial flight in the 90’s, get on the loudspeaker to tell everyone the plane is going down ‘as a prank’ and the cops chuckle and tell them never to do it again when they deplane. THAT’S SHOW BIZ, BABY. If women did that they would be put into a conservatorship under a man for the majority of their adulthood. Oh wait…

PS I refuse to believe this song is about Blake. That would also be like eating from the trash for Taylor. Way beneath her.

Best Lyric: Did you girlboss too close to the sun?

11. Honey. Another meh song for me. Doesn’t quite hit like the others. It does, however, make me think of the 2003 HIT blockbuster film “Honey,” where Jessica Alba plays a white girl living and teaching hip hop in the hood to underprivileged youth. That movie is TENS and if you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor. Soundtrack and choreography are LIT. Even made my highly anticipated Top Ten Dance Movie Montages back in 2017.

Best Lyric: You could be my forever-night stand, honey

12. The Life of a Showgirl Ft. Sabrina Carpenter. HEY! If it feels like the album flew right by it’s because that’s what happens when it’s not THIRTY ONE SONGS DEEP. The titular track features Sabrina (kinda weird to not feature her on Wood, but understand why two girls singing about one girls’ treasure could be confusing) and also uses the exact beat and cadence of “Cool” by the JoBros. I waffle back and forth on loving this song. Some days I’m all in especially because a clapping song is like crack to me and some days we get to that very musical theater riff in the middle and I’m like this is not what I signed up for. If I want a little musical theater, I’ll pop on the Greatest Showman soundtrack and circus-rock my face off. Yesterday, my friend sent me this meme, which is in itself hilarious and I’m here for the mild trolling of Travis being a total dum-dum, especially because they both lean into it:

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A post shared by Kevin Flynn (@_theblessedone)

But also nothing exemplifies that take more than the first line of this song: Her name was Kitty Made her money being pretty and witty They gave her the keys to this city. I mean, we’re looking at one fish two fish red fish blue fish…at best. Which brings me to my main point in addressing all of the hate this album has received in such a short period of time. People are wondering how she could have these long poetic songs with deep literary references and then also put out a song that rhymes kitty, pretty, witty, and city in one line. As if Taylor hasn’t been doing this for her entire career.

Folklore, Red, and Reputation are my top three T.Swift albums and I like them all for completely different reasons depending on where I was in my life and what resonated most with me at that time. I’m not sitting here comparing these songs to the storytelling of Folklore, or the gut-wrenching lyrics of All Too Well because they’re nothing alike. Lots of time has passed. I’m at a different place in my life, one that really just needs some fun songs to beebop along to and feel good. And Taylor happens to also be at a fun, lighthearted place in life. Did I bitch when she put out Lover while I was going through a break-up? Yes, but I still appreciated the album for what it was and found songs I could relate to (death by a thousand cuts.)

It’s just not that serious, people. Sometimes music scratches an itch in your ear and this album does that for me. I don’t care that the lyrics are simple and kinda dumb. I like it and you don’t have to. Plus, remember when you’re ranting on socials about how this album sucks, all your hating just soaks Tay’s undies anyway. 😂 Now excuse me while I order a feather headdress from Amazon and sashay around my kitchen like my favorite IG follow, Justin Anderson, who also appreciates a good pop song with lyrics that aren’t that deep.

https://www.instagram.com/p/DPY_BB3jdJO/

Best Lyric: Do you wanna take a skate on the ice inside my veins?

JUice, Music

Weekly JUice – ME! Edition

Week of 4/22/19

There’s never been a time when Taylor Swift hasn’t released new music and/or video that I haven’t immediately blogged about it, so here we are. Happy Tay DAY….again! Can we just start by bowing down to her marketing genius? Because anyone who drops clues for a release date like a year in advance and then commissions an artist to paint a freakin’ wall in Nashville with even more clues and then just rolls up and people are already waiting there for her?! MASTERMIND. That’s like some if you build it, they will come shit. How the hell did anyone see butterfly wings on a wall in Nashville and think, if I wait here Taylor Swift will show up? The same weirdos who wrote countless in depth theories about the hidden message in every Instagram post for the past year.

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So… @kelseymontagueart helped me pull off the best surprise clue reveal today in Nashville!! Thank you to everyone who showed up, I’ve never been more proud of your FBI level detective skills. Next clue: I’ll be joining the magnificent @robinrobertsgma for a chat tonight on ABC live from Nashville 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Apr 25, 2019 at 11:30am PDT

Since I’m much lazier, but just as thirsty as her super stans, I blindly tuned into ABC last night at 8, not realizing it was the NFL Draft. What fresh hell is that, Taylor? I’m not spending 3 1/2 hours watching football garbage just for you to drop a morsel every few commercial breaks. I finally turned it off after she bounced that pink dipped ponytail onstage and was like TEASER LOLOLOL. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I’ve got a hard out at 10pm every single night, so I resigned to just wait until the morning. I did manage to learn before bed that her special guest on the song was Panic! At the Disco’s lead singer and I was nervous as hell because I’ve never loved his voice and have mostly associated it with closing the G-D door. Now here we are, 6:15 AM watching this masterpiece before getting ready for the day and BOY DO I FEEL JAZZED TO TAKE ON FRIDAY.

Let’s get this out of the way real quick–could’ve done all the way without a random dramatic french scene at the beginning. And the spelling breakdown in the middle. But that’s just Taylor and of course she has to throw her talking and dramatics in every song and I’ve just come to accept it rather than fight it. Other than that, I was captivated by this video from start to finish. I felt like I was high on pastels and unicorns and I was perfectly content with it. For a fleeting moment I considered also getting pink hair. But the moment has passed. Mostly because I have brown hair and pink and brown is gross. I’d end up looking like Ann Perkins when she went through her sad breakup phase in Parks and Rec.

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Woof. But I digress. Here are my favorite looks from the video:

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HELLO TAYLOR’S BOOBS! Seriously she really started off with a bang in this number, poppin that cleavage like nobody’s biz.

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Once again skating over the fact that all she needs to make her happy is a cat (replace it with a puppy), this dress and her mermaid waves are a real dreamscape. Also loved the quick lyrical shout out to “Mine”. One of my favorite TSwizzle songs and videos mostly because she pretends to be a mom to 2 kids in it and looks like she’s 16. Gr8 mems.

tay

I mean who doesn’t love a his and hers mint marching band getup?! Also it would be wrong of me not to point out how phenomenal her legs look in this.

HONORABLE MENTION SCENES:

1. BUTTERFLIES. The snake turning into butterflies. I mean what is Taylor if she doesn’t have her metaphors and symbolism. The fact that she marks every album with a symbol and then brings it into the next era, again, marketing genius. Glad the snake is gone, honestly could’ve gotten down with something other than butterflies as they give me HARD flashbacks to when they were the logo for Aeropastale and printed on every piece of their clothing. But whatevs.

FROM DARK 🐍🖤💚💋👑 TO LIGHT 🦋💖🌸💜🦄🌈 I AM READY #MEOutNow #TS7 #TaylorSwiftTONIGHT #taylurking @taylorswift13 @taylornation13 pic.twitter.com/yNbrPTk0sU

— kerryy🌼 (@KerryMeAway13) April 26, 2019

snake butterflies

2. HEART ON. The scene where Brandon opens a door to his heart and we dive right in?! WHOA. Literally I have no other words. That was cool as hell.

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3. PAINT STORM. I pretty much watched the last scene with my mouth open and drool coming out (normal for me anyway since I have a drooling problem) because I was so fascinated by all of the colors and a liquid dress. What a lovely finale for a pastel explosion of a video. Never thought I’d be on board with a Lisa Frank inspired aesthetic at 27 but here we are and there’s no turning back.

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Also the song bangs. It’s catchy AF, Brandon was the perfect duet partner for it–although sucks for him because Tay is definitely taking all the glory here and “from Panic At the Disco” follows his name everywhere–but either way, I’ll be bumping this all weekend thinking of unicorns hearts and rainbows.

Screen Shot 2019-04-26 at 7.06.21 AM lisafrank

Music, Playlist

Lady Jams Playlist

ladyjam

This is one of those collections of songs that could possibly be embarrassing to jam to, and are also mostly one-hit wonders…but most importantly, when the CD-R was invented, you bet your bottom dollar these were some of the first songs I burned to a mix, tossed into my karaoke player and bumped. One thing they all have in common is that they’re lady singers. So pour a glass of pinot grig, put on your yoga pants and feel all the feels with this gurl pop throwback playlist. #BOYSSTINK

1. I Wanna Be Bad- Willa Ford. I always believe in starting off a mix with a hard bang and I think we can all agree Willa Ford, certified badgurl does just that. Never to be heard from again after the TRL days, I’m assuming good ole Willa and her boy Royce did some jail time cause they’re BaD 2 tha BONE. PS my sister had a friend who claimed Willa Ford was her babysitter and used to steal blueberries from their fridge. #BadGirlLyfe

2. Everything- M2M. These two hail from Norway and America welcomed them with wide open arms. Their jams were so hot one of them even ended up in a Pokemon movie. This particular number was performed on Dawson’s Creek’s spring break episode. If it’s good enough for Pacey, it’s good enough for me.

3. Stuck- Stacie Orrico. Oh how I miss Stacy with an “ie”. This was a sassy boy troubles song and to be honest I don’t think our girl Stace ever came out with anything else. Go out on top, that’s what I always like to say. Correction: She also sang “There’s Gotta Be More To Life” which is also a top hit.

4. All the Things She Said- t.A.T.u. I guess we were all SUPER diverse with our music duos in the 2000’s because this is a Russian group—I had to look that up because all I remembered about terribly named t.A.T.u was that they were lesbians. Not even sure if that’s a rumor…but they did smooch in the video which was REAL scandalous.

5. Breathe (2 AM)- Anna Nalick. If you didn’t memorize every single word to this song when it came out I don’t want to know you as a person. It’s kind of a downer, but I couldn’t make an all girl tribute from the 2000’s and not include Anna. So this will be the part of the playlist where you think about what you’ve done, and JUST BREATHE. PS immature Julia laughed at “naked in front of the crowd” every time. Sorry not sorry.

nalick

6. 4ever- The Veronicas. The Veronicas were a couple of BA’s. Realistically I don’t know anything about them but both of their hits banged real hard. In fact, I still use the intro to “Untouched” as an alarm sometimes when I want to wake up terrified and disoriented. As you might recall, this number scored the infamous carnival scene from She’s the Man where Amanda Bynes switches from girl to boy faster than you can pull popcorn out of your cleavage.

7. Gotta Tell You- Samantha Mumba. Samantha is Irish?! I tell ya, learn something new everyday. Anyway, Gotta Tell You is a great dance number if say, you wanted to invite 10 of your closest gal pals over for a slumber and choreograph an intricate dance like you’re all Wade Robson.

8. Rush- Aly&AJ. Wouldn’t be a Salty Ju mix unless I snuck a little Disney love into play. Were they pretty queer in their DCOM’s? Obviously. But is this song a hot rock number for two Disney blondes? Absolutely.

9. Ordinary Day- Vanessa Carlton. Threw you a curveball here. Everyone and their mother knows that A Thousand Miles is the anthem of the 2000’s. I decided to switch it up with an underdog from our favorite piano-playin gal. She sings about falling in love in a dream or something? Who cares when you’re wailing at the top of your lungs in a solo car concert with Ness. If only I also had a piano in my car…

pianoriding

10. Take Me Away- FeFe Dobson. In my 13^th year, I went through a really hardcore punk phase. It was the days of Ashlee Simpson and Avril and FeFe. Feef’s was my girl because she wore wife-beaters and studded belts and rocked hard. I purchased her CD with my hard-earned money and I’m not ashamed to admit I unearthed it recently and remembered every word. She even has a creepy song called Julia, so we’re basically BFFs.

11. What Do You Do- The Troys. This probably also could’ve gone on my 8^th grade angst playlist but I forgot about these bada$$e$ so here we are.

12. Love Song- Sara Bareilles. Sara is still crushing it present day, but no one will ever forget her debut piano jam that set a precedent for independent woman all ova! Also this is another ideal song for exercising your vocal range at a slower pace.

13. Dumb Girls- Lucy Woodward. A catchy one-hit wonder for Lucy also happens to be REAL cheesy. At least she tries to be a rebel with, “I look at the ground and give the sky the middle finger.” YEAH YOU FLICK THAT SKY OFF.

14. It’s About Time- Lillix. I actually forgot about Lillix for a minute until last weekend when my sister’s ipod shuffle brought it back (among The Click Five…yikes) but I’m glad they came back into my life just before I made this playlist. Pretty sure I had their CD too, because I had an eclectic taste in music, obviously.

15. Everywhere- Michelle Branch. The millennium didn’t have music if it wasn’t for the dynamic duo of Michelle and Vanessa. Their piano-slammin hits about boys completed me. Michelle had a leg up over Vanessa with weird pronunciations of words though so I’d like to thank her for the pure joy I get from singing “turn it inside out so I can seee-UH.”

MichelleBranch

16. Why Not- Hilary Duff. Heard this classic at a pre-game a couple weeks ago and had the unfortunate realization that I once thought it was VERY cool to put the lyric “You always dress in yellow, when you wanna dress in GOLD” in my AIM profile and highlight the font in yellow. Yikes, Julia. Regardless of how stupid the lyrics are to this song, it’s still a classic. How else would you know how to get to heaven… or even to L.A.?

Hil

17. Somebody- Bonnie McKee. One last mellow cry before we end this mix with a bang. Apparently Bonnie is making dance pop hits now but let’s never forget the time when she was wah-wahing about how single she was. At my very first parent-less concert (Ryan Cabrera), she opened and I got to meet her. Pretty sure I was the asshole who was like I don’t even know this chick and thus I don’t care but what a great ballad this is for crying into your wine. Just me? Nevermind.

18. Leave (Get Out)- JoJo. Not only does this song slay but it has a message, and that message is LEAVE because my mix is over and our time together is done. No seriously, GET OUUUUUUUUTTTTT!!!! PS how impressive is it that a thirteen year old wailed that note?

GETOUT

Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2K15

Although technically summer started a few weeks ago, I present to you, this year’s Summer PALOOZA! Every year since roughly 2007, my sister and I would fire up the Limewire on our shared desktop computer and download our favorite current pop songs for a banging summer windows down jam mix. The summer palooza tradish hit a little snafu in 2013 when we had some difficulty agreeing on songs, had to make a 2.0 halfway through the summer and then 2014 we didn’t make one at all. We’ll refer to that as the year that summer never came. Anyway, IT’S BACK BITCHES and as the sis and I gathered round our laptops on 4^th of July weekend, bickered over songs and hand-picked this mix like a couple of losers who were totally not about to watch the movie The Duff, I decided that this should be shared with the world. Happy Summer!

Worth It- Fifth Harmony Ft. Kid Ink. A sucker for a good trumpet interlude, this was a given and a phenomenal way to set the tone of the summer.
Gold In The Summertime- Matt Nathanson. We love our boy Matty, a love that has stemmed from my oldest sister being his numba 1 fan and resulted in all of us meeting him last summer for a quick Giantomasi family photo shoot. Plus it’s rare these days to find an actual summer themed song so this new release from him was necessary to include.
Kick the Dust Up- Luke Bryan. Luke, my favorite backwards hat-tight v-neck wearin country piece of man meat is back to gyrate those hips like there’s no tomorrow with this one. FINALLY. I’ve waited far too long for another upbeat smash from Lukey and this one delivers. My friend Lindsey pointed out to me that she cringes every time he sings “let’s tear it up up” and I couldn’t agree more. I love the song but it kills me that he couldn’t have a quick round robin with the writers to find another word that rhymes with up. Then I see him turn that hat backwards and all is forgiven.
Bad Girls- MKTO. MKTO is fire flames hot. They only put out hits and this is obviously no different. These two goons have a little bad girl fetish and I respect that about them. The first step is admitting you have problem. Also bonus points for the “MKT-007” line in the rap break. So smooth.
House Party- Sam Hunt. Full disclosure this was a song that my sister and I had quite a tiff about. She was adamant about including it and I was adamant about enforcing the “new songs only” rule. I did a little research (right clicked the song in iTunes) and saw that this song was downloaded in November AKA it belongs on Thanksgiving Palooza, not summer palooza. Unfortunately, she won this round because it’s kind of a song that never gets old and Sam is a smoke so we’ll let it slide.
Nobody Love- Tori Kelly. Tori is the TRUTH. When she casually opens wide and wails a high note for like 30 seconds in the middle of the song? Holy crap. Chillz. Plus this song is so sassy it makes me want to snap and also simultaneously break-dance in the streets. I won’t…but I want to.
Lose My Mind- Brett Eldredge. Ah, Brett…YOU make me lose my mind every time I look into those baby blues. Seriously, can the walls close in when I’m stuck in a padded room with you? What were we talking about? Oh yeah, this song is good because it’s Brett and everything he does is bomb.com.
Honey, I’m Good- Andy Grammer. One time I met Andy Grammer’s talent manager when I was in Italy, hammered. Apparently he found him singing on the streets and was like YA GONNA BE A STAR. Anyway, now Andy IS a star because he puts out catchy AF tunes like this one. I keep getting ready for this song to annoy me and we’re just not there yet.
Worse Things Than Love- Timeflies Ft. Natalie La Rose. Cal from Timeflies is best known for his mashups and ability to freestyle rap like nobody’s biz, also he’s like, really pretty. Rez is his beat master and partner in crime. This is a brand new original song from them that I can’t get enough of. Check out Timeflies Tuesday on YouTube if you dig this song.
Broke- Jason Derulo Ft. Stevie Wonder & Keith Urban. No words needed for how much I slobber over every song from Jason “I only make bangerz” Derulo. This is off of his new album that is obviously phenomenal. J’s over the gold diggers and spits the truth about mo money mo problems; he also casually throws it over to Stevie Wonder for a quick sax solo (sold.)
Crash and Burn- Thomas Rhett. This little nugget has been a dark horse in the country game lately…I feel like he’s been cranking out hits the past couple of years and I love it a whole lot. Don’t know one single word to this song but that’s why we put it on the palooza, so that by August, when I’ve listened to it no less than 200 times, I have also taught myself all the words to perform solos at the stoplight.
Good Thing- Sage the Gemini Ft. Nick Jonas. Absolutely no clue who Sage is, which is pretty embarrassing for him because he starts out the song with “they already know me, S-A-G-E.” First step is confidence, I guess, but Sage, nobody knows you. EVERYBODY knows Nick Jonas though and he steals the spotlight on this one. Sing that hook, baby face. Then flash me the abs.
Brother- Needtobreathe Ft. Gavin DeGraw. Here’s a quick gospel insert for the summer. It’s our boy Gav, a tasty piano lick, and a nice uplifting group sing-along. Raise your arms up and sway with those windows down (only if you’re the passenger.)
Wrapped Up- Olly Murs Ft. Travie McCoy. Membs Travie McCoy from Gym Class Heroes? This Bruno Mars sounding beat brings back Travie along with Olly my British crush foreva. It’s fun and infectious in case you were having too many feels from the last song.
Parking Brake- Dan + Shay. We can always count on some country singers to put out a summer themed song (the very reason I can’t listen to country music during the miserable northeast winter.) These two cuties croon about macking it up in the car, summer style. Cutoffs, sweet tea, red lips, trucks and the river…they cover all the essential southern bases.
I Don’t Mind- Usher ft. Juicy J. Again, we have a winter release song, but guess what? Usher sexily serenading about letting his girl be a stripper because it means she’s bringing in her own income while Juicy J shouts stuff in the background will NEVER get old. SHE HERE, SHE HERE! Now go make that money, money, money grl and make your man proud.
Anything Goes- Florida Georgia Line. FGL basically only make summer songs because there can only be one season when you wear open vests 24/7. Duhs. This is their latest and it’s a typical FGL barn yard hootenanny of red solo cups full of liquor and dancing by the river…Fri-YAY.
Bad Blood- Taylor Swift. This was a bit of a tussle because I’m a very diehard Swiftie and the sis is a very country T.Swift ONLY fan, so when I politely asked if I could include a jam from 1989 since I was very gracious with any song that she wanted, she had to approve the one I chose. It’s safe to say she hated every single song I played for her. We agreed to settle on this one, no remix style (I’m not buying the same song again…) FTR, Blank Space over everything….I got a hard pass from my co-mix producer though. BANDAIDS DON’T FIX BULLET HOLES, SNIFFLES.
White Houses- Vanessa Carlton. When we made the first palooooza, this song was current and we loved it so hard that it earned the closing spot on every year’s mix, no matter how old it gets. I think we can always relate to mah gurl Ness losing her V in the backseat of a car at summer camp. Plus…”The summer’s all in bloom, the summer’s ending soon.” Such a poignant way to close. (That may or may not have been an AIM profile staple every.single.summer.)

Music, Pop Culture, Television

AMA’s Recap

WHY in the history of music awards shows the top picks for hosts are LL Cool J and Pitbull is easily the greatest mystery of the world. It’s no secret that my hate for Pitbull/Mr. Worldwide/ Mr. 305 is to the moon and back so I’m going to try my best to ignore his antics and focus on the other parts of the show. (Key word here is try…I make no promises).

The opening performance of the night is our very own Ms. Taylor Swift performing Blank Space for the first time live. You all probably think I’m going to bow down to whatever she does but I’m mature enough to admit that this performance was all sorts of wrong. It was essentially a live action version of the music video and it was way too much. The sound sucked and Taylor felt the need to out-crazy the video version of herself and it was just plain scary. There were special fx flames left and right and guys being poisoned by apples and I didn’t know where to look. Her over-acted expressive crazy eyes were all over the place and it was pretty terrifying. She ended the performance with a smirk and a new man coming through a prop door with roses. Way to stick the landing but certainly not her best performance.

Remember how I said that I wasn’t going to focus on Mr. 305? I lied. Sue me. Dale. Pitbull took his hosting time to remind us all that he is in fact Cuban/Latino and essentially turned the awards into a bilingual broadcast. He declared that when he speaks Spanish the ratings go up, which is interesting because nothing made me want to turn off my TV more. After every commercial break we were promptly reminded that he speak Spanish, he also educated us all on what an Instagram filter is. It’s a good thing he was around because the Awards clearly could not have functioned without him. We were also blessed with a performance from him and this included his latest song Fireball which has singlehandedly ruined my favorite drink. Thanks for nothing, Pitbull.

Best Moments:

-One Direction won a bunch of awards and group hugged every time and we all got to hear them say “massive, massive thank you” in their cutesicle accents. Their performance took place in a grassy field and there was lots of tingly eye contact with the camera.

-Ariana Grande performed a stripped down medley like a classy cabaret singer in a black lace dress.

-Selena Gomez performs “The Heart Wants What It Wants” for the first time and gives us all the feels. She looked amazing in a long champagne colored gown with her hair down in waves, the backdrop was super moody and got a little distracting at times (chunky crying mascara eyes). Her pre-song blabbering was part of the performance unfortunately, but there was a part where some realistic wings came into play and I actually thought she might fly off the stage. Was really banking on a buildup to a sob sesh at the end but her grand finale was just some wet eyes. BOOOOOO. Don’t worry though because Taylor supplied them in full. Girl was a one woman broadway act last night. I usually cherish her audience cam moments for some awkward dancing but tonight was over the top.

-Speaking of Taylor stealing the show, she was awarded the first ever Dick Clark Award of Excellence, presented by Diana Ross who needed to be reminded that women don’t cover their face in blush anymore. We get to see a highlight reel of Tay’s general awesomeness and then she gets up to accept the award and kisses everyone in her posse (noticeably absent: Lena Dunham). Tay slobbers all over Diana Ross and how great she is and then talks directly to me when she thanks her fans for buying CD’s still. You’re welcome, T.

-The “Bang Bang” performance was pretty great and it’s a summer song that I can still get down with. Jessie J started out the song in the audience bopping around from celeb to celeb. She started with Khloe Kardashian who booty bumped her right on over to Tay’s crew, because of course. Jessie J learned quickly not to get down with Taylor Swift unless you want the spotlight ripped from your hands. Lorde tries to get in on it as well but we all shield our eyes. Then Ariana Grande takes it away onstage with a chair dance and a typical inapprops outfit & of course Nicki Minaj comes back out to play and is in her normal skanky uniform again. Joke’s over. They move back out to the audience to writhe around and it becomes clear that Nicki is above mingling with others.

Worst Moments:

-Charli XCX’s performance of “Boom Clap” which was straight out of every 90’s prom scene in the movies and quickly turned into her stripping into a latex outfit with a studded choker dancing around with some goth freaks and touching her boobs.

-Magic performs Rude, except it’s no longer summer and the song has lost it’s catchy appeal. Wyclef Jean joins them onstage and it is pretty much a stoner jam sesh. They take it to the audience and serenade a random girl who clearly doesn’t know what to do.

-Nicki Minaj performs a slower song wearing a floor length, long sleeve white gown trying to trick us all into thinking she’s an angel and not the disgusting hoe that showed us all her butthole during her Anaconda performance a mere few months ago at the VMA’s.

-Josh Duhamel introduces Fergie to perform “LA Love” and I’m reminded again how a perfect specimen like Josh married Fergalicious…and then made a kid with her. This song is offensively bad. I expected Harajuku girls to appear in the performance. It was so loud with so many colors and made my eyes hurt. At the end, Fergie strips a layer off and it gets stuck to her butt.

-JLo & Iggy’s “Booty” being the final performance of the night. Enough with the butts. So over it.

Things that made me question everything:

-Boy band Five Seconds of Summer performs a cover of What I Like About You. Is this even legal? Can a band perform a cover at an awards show like it’s karaoke night?

-During Iggy Azalea’s performance she was wearing a leotard, reenacting an 80’s exercise video and patted her vag far too many times for comfort.

-Lorde gives us a typical weirdo freak performance of her staring at the camera with dead witchy eyes and having an exorcism onstage and I was afraid. Taylor gets a lot of screen time dancing to her scary goth friend’s performance. She ends the song by smearing her black lipstick all over her face and Tay does her surprised face. I also had a surprised face at the fact that these two are friends.

-Lil Wayne has a quick performance with Christina Millian in red lingerie. Remember when she was irrelevant and the social media girl for The Voice? Christina provides some backup vocals and grinds all over Lil Wayne. Thanks for coming.

-Luke Bryan is there to present and not gyrate onstage. WHO SANCTIONED THIS? He also won an award and had lipstick on because he made out with his hot wife and stuck a dagger in my heart.

-Katy Perry wins an award and a Katy Perry robot, much like a hologram, accepts on her behalf via recording. If the robot ran out of battery and died mid-thank you I think it would’ve been less awkward than what actually happened.

-McDreamy being the first person to present an award. Was he lost? I’m confused.

-Iggy Azalea accepts an award wearing a frumpy business suit that I would expect a middle aged woman to wear with a pair of white sensible walking sneaks on the way to her cubicle for the day. She also had a huge crimped ponytail to sweeten the outfit.

-Garth Brooks with a satellite performance? Could this be more out of place?

-Every commercial break, Kohl’s had an extensive ad featuring children scream-singing Let It Go and I wished harmful things upon everyone involved in the making of this commercial and also Frozen.

-It is mind bottling that everyone is OBSESSED over scrutinizing the Harry Styles/Taylor Swift relationship or hatefest and yet there wasn’t ONE camera glance of either of their reactions to the other winning or performing. Do the producers of the AMA’s know what makes good TV? The answer is a hard no…because they chose Pitbull to host 2 years in a row.

Final thoughts- If you follow me on twitter (and you should) you know that for the past year or so I’ve been live tweeting every awards show regardless of how awesomely bad it is…exhibit A. This started about a year ago when my friend and I decided that our opinions were hilarious and important and vital to every awards show. Apparently our tradition has gotten a little out of hand because here is last night’s commentary from each of us without us being remotely anywhere near each other. We’ve morphed into one twitter awards show monster and you all should be frightened.

(click to enlarge)

Follow @LindseyReilly for all of your award show needs and all other things hilarious, cause she’s awesome. We will be tag teaming all awards season this year so please mentally prepare yourselves for those judgements to come.

Performances (that I could find):

Music

Step Aside, Selena.

Immediate Reactions to the Blank Space Music Video:

First and foremost, I understand that surprise releases are all the rage now in music ever since Beyonce blew everyone’s minds and snuck a full CD with music videos but I’m super over it. It gives me anxiety when buzzworthy things happen midday and I cannot participate because my cubicle computer is open to all surrounding roaming eyes. My FOMO nightmare came true today and I dealt with it by specifically going home for lunch to watch. Obv this was a really mature and adult decision. It was in the privacy of my own home that I was able to watch the video twice, uninterrupted with no judgsies.

Next let’s address the elephant in the room. Remember how I made a wisecrack about Taylor releasing her CD before Selena’s big dramatic music video, thus upstaging her? Well it seems I can predict the future. Props to Tay for giving Selena the spotlight for a WHOLE weekend before slyly but not at all slyly snaking it back.

I was really anticipating this video (all morning long when that’s all I could think about.) Mostly because this is the number one JAM from 1989. (If you read my review you would already know this. Duhs.) So much sassiness and so much potential for a music video. Taylor straight up delivered on the psycho factor. Couldn’t be weirder. It’s everything I could have ever wanted for this song and more. Here’s the full video for your viewing and reviewing pleasure.

As a film major in college (LOLZ) and a fellow music video director (double LOLZ) I can tell you that in my professional opinion this is top quality stuff. Shot like a film in a mansion fit for a Kennedy (wink) it looked great and so did Tay with her 500 outfit changes. You’re obviously wondering, what looks were her best? Lucky for you I screenshot every outfit of the video just for this very moment. I know, I know, I’m so kind. Let’s do it to it.

BOMB outfits:

STRONG start with Lingerie Tay holding Olivia Benson (for a touch of innocence). Cleavage+Cat=PG13. That is, until Olivia is replaced by a knife for cray cray Tay.

Full lace gown descending a grand staircase. Badass princess moment.

Ballroom dancing in the sparkliest of gowns. Just a regular Friday night for T. This is just what she wears from the gym.

Is this the Oscars or a music video? But seriously.

50’s Tay getting after some champagne and candy.

Taylor brings Jersey Shore to the mansion with dubs leps. Couldn’t love it more.

White Crop combo for her ode to Tiger Woods. Legs.

She borrowed this witchy black number from Lorde.

Cat eye on point.

Little white dress for burning and throwing your boyfriends clothes. Everyone should have one.

Final look. Perfection.

Ehh Outfits:

Not crazy about the dress and hair combo in “stab my boyfriend’s rich person portrait” Taylor

Don’t get me wrong, she’s absolutely pulling.this.off. but it’s a little too much.

This is too normal of a dress for cutting boob holes in your boyf’s shirt. Blah.

Too much old lady. Not enough leopard.

This looks like it would give her a mean wedgie. Also I think Allie wore this in The Notebook.

Weird Moments:

Riding bikes around the living room. You know, cause why exercise in the private gym that is 100% in that mansion when you can ride your Huffy through the parlor.

Walking your two guard dogs with your boyfriend who is also wearing a cape. Real talk: This is my dream. Dogs and men (in capes…just kitten) Also for fear of putting up redundant pictures, this dress makes the best outfit list. Duh.

Standing on a horse. (This is less weird and more so just IMPRESSIVE) Do you think I could get away with trying that next year in downtown Saratoga? One of the cops will totes lend me his horse for Taylor reenactment via Caroline St. right? (This is an EH outfit)

Crying and writhing in the hallway next to a deer. Don’t bring Bambi into your troubles, Crazy Tay. She’s just an innocent forest creature.

This is Twilight. Amirite Twihards?

Halloween is over. Stop trying to give me nightmares.

GET IT, TAY.

Drumroll PLEASE. And the best moment of this video goes to the delivery of the best line of the song. Anyone whose listened to this song and doesn’t giggle every time she says “Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” with a haughty laugh is not really enjoying life. Boom.

The ferocious grab of the head and sneering of that lyric in “Sean’s” grill piece was exactly what we all needed. Supes aggress and I didn’t hate it one bit. I’m actually surprised she didn’t follow it up with spitting in his mouth. SUCK IT, SEAN. DON’T MESS. (this outfit was also a BEST but since she was hurling her body around throwing shit at him I couldn’t get a good snap of it. Necklace game so strong.)

Honorable Mention:

This Guy ❤ Yum. Well done, gurl.

Hope you enjoyed reliving all things Blank Space. If you didn’t, pls see below.

Music, Pop Culture

Start your weekend with some DRAMA.

I’m gonna be real straightforward here and come clean. I followed Justin Bieber on Instagram roughly 4 months ago and I hate myself for it. I got caught up in the world’s fascination with Selena and Justin’s tumultuous on and off again relationship and he posted a few scandalous ‘grams and before I knew it I had hit the follow button and never turned back. I figured out of the two of them he would be more likely to make an ass of himself on social media and slip up/create drama that I could then make myself a part of (This goes back to my innate addiction to being the first person to report celeb news…which I refuse to seek treatment for) Anyway, the point of this long and embarrassing confession is that if I didn’t follow Biebs on Insta and see up close what a ridiculous clown he is, I wouldn’t have material for this blog. Selena dropped a music video and single yesterday that is essentially a diary entry about her unhealthy relationship with that punk. In case you haven’t heard/seen it yet here it is:

Girl just out-drama’ed Taylor Swift. The TEARS. The ACTING. Selena pulled out all the stops, just shy of having Biebs in the video instead of a Biebs-esque actor (with questionable facial hair) that she casj mounted for a car hookup. Perhaps she wanted to spark a little jealousy? I’m onto you Selena.

Ok be serious, guys. Let’s get to the real meat of this music video. The beginning voiceover of her stuttering and crying. If this gave you the uncomfies and you skipped over it, don’t you even worry because I’m here to give you the gist of her creepy E True Hollywood story intro to the music video. Basically the Biebs banged a bunch of randoms and made Selena feel like a garbage can. Were those her exact ugly crying words? No. HOWEVER I’m really good at reading between the lines. Trust me. After about 40 seconds of this babble it starts to sound like a drunk voicemail that she left for him. Don’t drink and dial, Sel. Drinking and tweeting is totes fine though. The actual song finally starts 48 seconds in and I think I speak for everyone when I say that I already feel emotionally drained before she even starts singing. The message of the song is that this relationship is Sucktown, USA but she’s in love, so everyone can STFU and stop judging her. The song itself isn’t bad. I kinda dig it…sue me. Like is this MJ Blige or Selena Gomez with those R&B vibez?! Jus sayin. But before you get caught up in the snaps or start to let her tears persuade you to get all emosh. Let’s refresh ourselves on who this song is about:

WHAT a CATCH.

Of course since yesterday’s release she’s already been accosted by people wanting even more juicy deets. Apparently, according to my sources, (the internet…it never lies) Justin saw the video a year ago and said it was beautiful (puke.) and Taylor Swift also got a preview, because duh, and she watched it three times in a row most likely with her surprised face and loved it. Selena probably casually told her, “Yeah I’m thinking about releasing this in November.” Taylor then immediately texted her manager, moving up the release date of 1989 to 2 weeks before Selena’s video. Shake it off, Selena, shake it off.

PS: If these two really are a “modern fairytale” as Selena chokes out in between tears, we are all SCREWED.

Enjoy your weekend 🙂

Music

Taylor Swift: 1989

As everyone should know very well by now, whether they are a fan or not, Monday October 27th marked Taylor Swift Day. Not the first, and probably not the last, but still a joyous day indeed. Taylor dropped her newest album 1989 and I felt like this would be a fitting time to foray into music reviews. Here’s my take on 1989, track by track. *’ed tracks are my JAMS.

Full Disclosure: There is no All Too Well on this CD. There will never be another All Too Well and excuse me while I go listen to it for the 4000th time and cry softly to myself.

1. Welcome to New York: As an avid H8ER of NYC, this song on message alone bloooows. When I think “Welcome to NY”, I smell street meat mixed with homeless people BO, hear sirens and people shouting for money and see Amanda Bynes wandering aimlessly with bandaids on her face. But of course I’m not Taylor Swift with an endless bank account and supply of fresh crop coordinates to wear upon exiting the gym. So I guess I can understand how we would see NY differently. Putting that aside, not into the sick beat on this one, a little too 13 going on 30 for me.

Honorable mention lyrics: “Kaleidoscope of loud heartbeats under coats” & “Took our broken hearts, put them in a drawer, Everybody here was someone else before”

2. Blank Space*: First ten seconds, gangster Tay? NICE TO MEET YOU. WHERE YOU BEEN? This is 100% one of those songs that if it were to come on I wouldn’t know how to groove to it. It’s way too cool for me. I love it. I feel like this is the sassiest Tay gets on this album and you gotta respect the sass. (PS “They’ll tell you I’m insane” hits a little close to home, huh T?)

Honorable mention lyric: “Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” I mean obviously. The delivery of this paired with a cocky laugh. Oohh kill em, OG T.

3. Style*: Hey do you think this is about Harry? Just wondering. This is a good “I feel like I’m reading seventeen magazine and doing my nails when I bop to this” jam. Also Taylor saying she wears a tight little skirt? HUSSY. I LOVE it. (So did Harry apparently) Burn city. Side note: Harry’s dirty locks are actually starting to go out of style, he should probably consider cleaning that up. Taylor’s red lip and crop coordinates, however, I am not sick of yet so for right now I agree. You so stylish, girl.

Honorable mention lyric: “Take me home. Just take me home” (There’s really no good lyric in this song so I chose this one because I want Harry Styles to just take me home. Also this lyric is a rare glimpse of Taylor not being a cat lady for once.)

4. Out of the Woods*: I think this one has to be my favorite so far. I hated it at first because when it came out I was still jamming so hard to Shake it Off and I wasn’t ready for it. I’m ready now. It’s just the right amount of 80’s sound. More like Breakfast Club, less like 13 Going on 30. Also I like when Tay wails OH I REMEMBER. (Insert goat sound here, internet.) Jk she has much more goaty songs yet to come.

Honorable mention lyric: “The rest of the world was black and white But we were in screaming color”

5. All You Had To Do Was Stay: This is a tough one for me. I like everything about this song except for the “stay” which is essentially the whole song. It’s supes whiny. It kind of sounds like when I would *hypothetically* perform a solo concert in my car and try to hit the high notes in All Too Well. Not gr8. And that’s why I can’t love this song.

Honorable mention lyric (this is difficult…there’s literally 4 lyrics to this song): “But people like me are gone forever when you say goodbye.” YEAH GIRL POWER. Let em walk gurrrrlll.

6. Shake It Off*: The second this song came out I loved it real hard. The downfall of this is that it got me super excited and swept up in the year of new Taylor causing me to immediately and aggressively pre-buy 1989 the next day. Pre-buying a cd is a huge commitment when you don’t know what it will sound like, it’s an even bigger and more embarrassing commitment when you realize it comes with 13 personal polaroids of Taylor and you have to ship it to your sister’s apt because you don’t have an address yet. In retrospect it was too much. I got swept away in Swift hysteria. I know that now. I DO NOT, however, regret playing this song on repeat for the remainder of the summer and long after everyone had already gotten annoyed by it. It’s the 22 of this album, and I’d like to personally thank Taylor for making it all ages. Getting past 22 was a rough spot for me. 23 just isn’t as cool and flirty. Could for sure do without the mid song talking. It gives me all the uncomfies.

Honorable mention lyric: “It’s like I got this music In my mind Saying, “It’s gonna be alright.” CHURCH. (I don’t even know what that means I just heard Scott Disick say it once so I wanted to give it a whirl.)

7. I Wish You Would: This song feels like a Hil Duff song during the Disney days. Like I can see Lizzie McGuire jamming to this song on her Hit Clips while Gordo stares at her longingly, Ethan models and styles his fluffy Ken doll hair in his locker mirror and Miranda wears wacky clothes so that she’s less irrelevant. Did I go too far with that? Probably. But that’s all I can think of. So sue me. I think the best part of this song is when the “I wish, I wish” in the background goes away.

Honorable mention lyric: “You give me everything and nothing” So much drama. So many feels.

8. Bad Blood*: So apparently this song is about Katy Perry? I swear to God if anyone is still fighting over John Mayer we need a quick reality check. It’s John Mayer. His songs haven’t been sex since Contiuum circa 2006. Old John Mayer=worth fighting over. New hippy, post-racism retirement John Mayer=not worth fighting over. Got it? Stand down gurls. Now that we’ve cleared that up, this song is growing on me, which is why it earned a star. I like the beat and it makes me feel like I could carry a boombox on my shoulder and start street fights with girls wearing whipped cream bras with a blue wig.

Honorable mention lyric: “Bandaids don’t fix bullet holes” So true Dr. Swift, so true.

9. Wildest Dreams: I haven’t read many reviews of this album yet but one that I read before I had even listened to the album said she mimicked Lana del Ray on one track, I’m going to assume it’s this one. ALL I can think when listening to this song is how it’s almost exactly the Lana/Great Gatsby “Young & Beautiful”. Lana’s song “Say you’ll still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful.” Tay’s song “Say you’ll remember me standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset.” Coincidence? I hate the Lana song because they used it in Gatsby to be about Daisy who is a HUGE twat. Also Kanye had it played when he proposed to Kim, insert monkey covering mouth to hold in vomit emoji. Long story short I’m not in love with this one.

Honorable mention lyric: “Hes so tall and handsome as hell Hes so bad but he does it so well” Is this a song lyric or directly copied from the “what you’re looking for” section on my OkCupid profile? HEYYOO.

10. How You Get The Girl: Cin always taught me if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. As you very well know I’ve never followed that rule a day in my life. I physically cannot say nice things about this song. I feel dumber after listening to it. I guess the one nice thing I can say is that the chorus SOUNDS catchy. I like how it’s sung, but the lyrics read like an advice column for Tiger Beat.

Honorable mention lyric: “With pictures in frames of kisses on cheeks” Lawls. So Innocent.

11. This Love: I can’t quite place what song the “oh oh oh’s” make me think of but it is certainly an old song that now lives on classic rock radio stations. I think I like this song for a slower change of pace from the rest of the album but again the chorus lyrics aren’t great. This love is good, this love is bad” WHICH ONE IS IT TAY? MAKE UP YOUR G-D MIND. Solid for a power ballad post break up I guess though.

Honorable mention lyric: “When you’re young you just run But you come back to what you need” All the wisdom.

12. I Know Places*: It might be the emo side of me that liked the Ashlee Simpson Show (and youtubed clips from it the other night, 10 years later) but I’m starting to love this song. It makes me want to write in my journal and dye my hair black. Just kitten, black isn’t my color. I can picture the music video for this being in the woods at night and involving her cats. Nailed it. Call me a visionary. Plus MARIST RED FOXES (insert Red Fox Rumble).

Honorable mention lyric: “Loose lips sink ships all the damn time Not this time.” ALL THE DAMN TIME.

13. Clean: I think this is probably the only song on this album that reminds me of something she’s done before. It has a similar sound to something from the Speak Now era. I like it but it’s nothing special for me. I like that it’s simple and not being overpowered by synths or mid-song talking. It’s CLEAN. Get it?! HA.HA. All jokes aside, is she comparing dating Harry to being an alcoholic? Little dramats don’t we think? Not the finish to the album that I would’ve pictured but then again let’s take a walk down memory lane to Red’s Begin Again ending. Wooooooof. So it’s probably better than that.

Honorable mention lyric: “You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore” I think we can ALL picture this, amirite? Wine stains? No? Just me?

If you also impulse bought the deluxe edition here are the bonus songs:

13. Wonderland*: This song is banging. It’s Princess fairytale Taylor in Wonderland meets carnival announcer. I mean this of course in the best possible way. The first time you hear her crazy “wonderrrlaaaaaaaaahhhnnnddd” voice you’ll know what i mean. Bonus points for cheshire cat reference.

Honorable Mention Lyric: “And in the end in wonderland we both went mad.” Mostly for her creepy delivery of “mad”.

14. You Are In Love: Supposedly this is Lena Dunham’s wedding song. Knowing that before hearing it made me want it to be the most romantic song ever. I guess it’s more of a modern romantic song, but I actually laughed out loud imaging two people dance act this out as the first dance of their wedding. It just made me think of mimes. I can’t explain the weird places my mind just went to. This song is alright but as far as love songs go I’ll stick with Thinking Out Loud for this year.

Honorable Mention Lyric: “You two are dancing in a snowglobe round and round.” Snowglobe dancing. WOULDN’T THAT BE AWESOME?! (None of this made sense. Pls disregard)

15. New Romantics*: Lovin the modern sound of this song so hard. It’s the female “Safe and Sound” except the lyrics are a lovely romanticized version of post grad problems. A young professionals (I use that term quite loosely) anthem, if you will. I can get down with it for sure. This probably should’ve closed the actual album instead of the bonus tracks if we’re being honest..and we ARE being honest.

Honorable Mention Lyric: “Honey life is just a classroom” PREACH. “We are too busy dancing To get knocked off our feet”

Summary: T’s goal with 1989 was to sound completely different. It was her first fully declared pop album (we’ll all just slyly ignore that Red was 110% pop, but apparently not actually, you know, because Stay, Stay, Stay) Anywho. Goal achieved Tay. This album is all sorts of different. Respect. There are certainly some great jams, but as a whole it’s an album that I cannot listen to on repeat every day. What I’m getting at here is that this album is not Red. Red is her crowned jewel and I will never get sick of it. It gives me all the feels and I refuse to apologize for that.

October 2023 Edit: It just so happens that Tay re-released her version of 1989 on the same date, which also happens to be the much celebrated (in this household exclusively) birthday of The Salty Ju. Per her tradition of including a bunch of never-before-heard tracks “from the vault” like she’s Walt F’ing Disney, I’ve decided to review them. As we can clearly see in the lavender text above, my style of kneejerk reactions and unfiltered commentary to songs hasn’t changed and it’s what really makes going back and reading my old blogs extra cringeworthy. So here we go, a much older and probs not wiser Ju to break down the newest 1989 bops.

Slut! Taylor is ALSO older and perhaps wiser and therefore it seemed a little gauche (she taught me that word) to name a song after a very anti-feminist slander. Everyone reasoned that this must be some sort of statement or art because obviously she’s not going to be dropping a song in the year of our Lord 2023 slut-shaming. Well joke’s on you because she sang about how it’d be worth it for once to be called a slut for this particular man friend. #FEMINISM. Love it. The ole “well they’re going to call me a slut anyway so at least this time I’m getting that good D for it.” Is what I assume she means here. GET IT GUUUURLLL. I don’t hate this song but I didn’t immediately love it either. It was basically a dreamy little F-U to the press for being judgey as hell anytime she so much as sniffed at a guy, which would’ve been edgy at the time but now it’s like seeking closure with an ex after they married someone else. Too little, too late, girlie.

Best Lyric: Got love-struck, went straight to my head / Got lovesick all over my bed

Say Don’t Go. Shaky start but the chorus got me jammin out for sure. The shouting of “say don’t go” back to herself in a little call and response? Chef’s kiss. Don’t know why that did it for me but I was all in on it. Also because if I wasn’t getting amped on the chorus I would’ve gotten a little sad from the lyrics of this song. WHY’D YOU LEAD HER ON, YOU DIRTBAG?! Her fake boyfriend Travis Kelce WOULD NEVER.

Best Lyric: And I’m yours, but you’re not mine

Now That We Don’t Talk. The second this song started I knew it was my favorite of the bonus tracks and will be heavily rotated for the rest of fall until I forget about it because she has a catalog of 19 million songs at this point and honestly it’s just hard to keep up. But anyway, sassy lyrics and a sick beat are a quick way to my heart. Rewinding back in time to 2013/2014 when these songs were written, we can conclude that they were about Harry Styles. Why? Because between yachts and long hair and flights home alone, these lyrics are dripping with Harry references. I love when I don’t have to dig for clues and easter eggs and she literally just shoves ex-boyfriend deets right in our grillpieces. Whether it’s about Harry or the 17-year-old Kennedy she dated for 1 second, I think we can all agree going from talking to a person all day every day to cold turkey no communication is hard as hell. So, sometimes it’s nice to remember that not talking also means you don’t have to pretend to be interested in their stupid little lives anymore and WE ARE BETTER OFF!

Best Lyric: Remind myself the more I gave, you’d want me less

Suburban Legends. A tall tale of high school sweethearts going their separate ways to make names for themselves and WoMp WoMPpPpp they don’t end up finding their way back to each other in the end. Look I loved folklore and that was like 90% made up stories but I’ve gotta RELATE to it, ya know? The best songs hit home for me and this just isn’t speaking to me in that way. Doesn’t mean it’s bad…just means I wasn’t born to be a suburban legend. In fact, if I went to my high school reunion they’d be like new phone, who dis?

Best Lyric: And you kiss me in a way that’s gonna screw me up forever

Is It Over Now? DING DING DING, here’s the runner up to my favorite 1989 vault track! I guess you could say I’m in my ‘men are trash’ era because I picked the two sassy breakup songs and folks, it ain’t a coincidence that my bitter single heart has resonated most with these numbers. (Quick reminder that my two favorite vault tracks from Red were the 10 min version for obvious reasons and I Bet You Think About Me. I’m a SLUT! for a scorned lover song.) Special shout out to the screams at the top of this song that sound somewhat like a bird being murdered in a forest and woke my dog from a dead slumber so she could lift her head and give me a look like, really bitch? And then I obviously gave her a look back that said I pay the bills and feed you and just cleaned up your diarrhea for the 100th time this week, I’ll jam out to Taylor Swift anytime I please THANK YOU! But also, Charlee’s got a point we didn’t need this screech to continue in the background for the entirety of the song. The way she sings “oh, lord” makes up for that though. Sorta. And not for nothing, lots of Harry hate in this song and I can’t help but point out that when Jake was being dragged again everyone was like LET’S HANG HIM IN PUBLIC and now it’s Harry’s turn again and not a peep because Harry’s a superstar now and makes weird 70’s music that everyone’s obsessed with and I CALL BULLSHIT. PETITION TO HATE ALL OF TAYLOR’S EXES EQUALLY.

Best Lyric: You dream of my mouth before it called you a lying traitor. (What a sick burn.)

I’ve grown to like 1989 I think more than I did initially. Also, not for nothing, it’s the album that birthed Blank Space which is a top five Tay song. I also correlate 1989 with my move to Boston, which was an exciting time for me even though living in a city turned out much like most of my adult life, a giant disappointment. BUT it was fun to be young and single and skinny wearing crop coordinates just like Tay! And I’ll say these vault tracks are strong. Not as strong as Red’s but honestly what could compare to that beast of an album and all of the surprise content that came afterward. So I’ll continue to groove to the old classics and mix it up with these new ones now that I’ve actually had a real relationship unlike 9 years ago and therefore can sing with the true drama of someone who has actually been through it. What an accomplishment to be proud of.

The Salty Ju

#NoFilter

Tag Archives: pop