Oscars Red Carpet 2025

WE MADE IT! It’s Hollywood’s biggest night, the culmination of awards season. Doesn’t matter what that stupid rat named Pux Phil saw or didn’t see, at least we can always count on the Oscars to tell us Spring is near. Thank the Lord. There is hope. This winter can die away from me and I’m so happy to see the pastels kickin on this red carpet. I also partook in some pasteling this weekend when I got dressed to walk my dog to the local brewery to soak up the sun and hops.

You may be thinking baggy jeans and a baggy shirt?! Have you completed your transformation into Gen Z? And to that I say yes and no. Yes, I bought baggy floral jeans and wore them unironically, but no Gen Z didn’t invent this lewk. May I remind you as a child of the 90’s, we did it first. So I’m simply going back to my youth and nostalgia for baggies and platforms. The only thing that was missing was a crop top and honestly you’re welcome world, because my midsection is not in crop shape. I’m just out here willing spring to come one denim bloom at a time. And I’m about to be the kindest I’ve ever been for any red carpet so pls mimic that energy and don’t come for me by reminding me that I’m a 33 year old wearing jeans from the juniors section because I SHOPPED FOR JEANS FOR A MONTH AND THESE ARE THE ONLY ONES THAT FIT ME, OK?!

WORST

Bowen usually pops a well-coordinated look and this missed completely. The pink shirt threw me off, I don’t know if he was doing a mixture of pink and green to shout out both the leads of his film but I would’ve liked it more if he wore a pink shirt and a fully green jacket. Otherwise it just looks like he got dressed in the dark.

This dress looks incomplete. Like the person making it was like oh shiiit the Oscars were tonight?! Alright, fine, just take it, still works.

This is a stocking. She’s wearing tights as a dress. And she looks genuinely mad about it.

Meh. I genuinely was offended by so few celebs that we’re doing a red carpet where people end up on the worst dressed if I’m just unimpressed. I’ve seen her take risks and this is just boring.

This is some straight clown shit. Sure, I have a personal vendetta against polka dots and always have, but frilled sleeves and a red waist bow on top of polkas?! WHO TOLD YOU THIS LOOKED GOOD?! Fire them immeds.

Ooh baby this gave me the most horrifying flashbacks to formal events circa 2003. The tacky bedazzled strapless dress, the french tip acrylics, the pink eyeshadow, even the hair that looked like it was straightened with the Conair removable plates straightener/crimper combo deal that did nothing but add more frizz. Half expected to see a mouth full of metal with matching pink rubber bands when I first glimpsed this chick.

I put these two pink moments back to back and was able to give you a very detailed and harsh roasting of the previous girlie, because I am her and she is I. I am both of them. This is what I wore to a 2004 Bat Mitzvah and this outfit was purchased at JCPenney for the occasion.

So when I say snarky comments to others, I’m really speaking to my younger self. Note the straightened hair that is still WIDE, french tips & watermelon colored braces adorning a half empty mouth.

Oh, ok, Plumette After Dark.

I do want to say that I really appreciate her committing to the skinny arm. Does that mean it’s making a comeback? (Says the girl who never stopped skinny arming in photos despite how uncool it is.) That being said, this dress is horribly unflattering. Her cleavage looks 13 miles long. It literally looks like the top of the dress is dragging her boobs down to her ankles.

Spray painting the Trunchbull’s weightlifting champ belt gold DOESN’T MAKE IT FORMAL!

Ah, a trend carried over from the SAG’s I see, is there a red belt in Karate?

At first glance I was like ok this is fine, then I got to her lady bits and saw that weird velvet spiderweb section and then the fingerless lace Madonna gloves and for those reasons… I’m out. Also I know I’ve said it before but it deserves repeating, what is the happs with this hairstyle?

This hair style is offensive to the icon that Goldie Hawn is. Also to keep it real, so is this tacky dress. She deserves more from her stylist. Isadora diamond would’ve smashed with this gown though.

Someone on Instagram (it was probably like elitedaily or something and I’m not crediting them so sorry bout it) called these his “slutty little glasses” and it made me laugh out loud. I really hate a brown fit but he’s honestly kinda pulling it off with swagga, even in these pretty hideous specs. So I’m like ew and then I’m also like but maybe not? Could be swayed, clearly. If he winked at me, I’d be like sup.

Love the purple flowers, hate the loud kaleidoscope graphic tee happening yonder.

Suuuuper snoozy. Kinda wish she went full 90’s and did the plum colored matching lip and butterfly clips in her hair too. Would’ve respected it way more.

This feels like something you would wear to a corporate cocktail party, not a red carpet for Hollywood’s biggest night.

Speaking of underdressed, what the hell are you doing Rita?! You’re a seasoned vet. An old pro of Hollywood royalty. Is this her way of saying she’s over it? Cause dressing for a backyard baby shower is a MOVE. Half expected her to be posing under a shades of pink balloon arch with a kitschy photo prop.

Gloves were hot in the streets last season and I feel like they died down this past winter, as they should’ve. Elbow length velvet gloves at a pretentious Hollywood awards night? Groundbreaking.

Keeping with the dark velvet, does this B go to Hogwarts? She’s wearing the invisibility cloak, without the invisibility. Disappear this getup, babe.

At first glance I loved this because I was dazzled by the sparkle. Then I took a closer look and it’s basically arts and crafts supplies painted silver, mixed with some Party City leftovers.

BUT IT HAS POCKETS! I know. It pains me to knock a cozy girlie who’s just jammin her hands into her pockets but the deep V cut over her deep V turned me all the way off.

Potentially sexist take (can you be sexist against your own gender?) but I’m having a hard time with the short hair here. I know, it was for a role, and obviously sometimes it’s not a choice for a woman to have short hair, but gelling it and giving it a deep side part WAS a choice. And I disagree with it. This mermaid scales gown fell flat for me too.

I gasped when I saw the middle part sock bun. Between that and the curtain dress accented by a ribbon belt, the early aughts were screaming at me to put this on the worst dressed.

To quote Brynn from RHONY, “Amy is a basic bitch.”

NOT THE COMICALLY LARGE GARBAGE BAG TIE OVER HER SHOULDER.

BEST

It makes me giggle to think some lowly interns were forced to throw her train up in the air on each side and run out of frame for the shot. Doing the lord’s work though because the fluffing sold me on this gown.

Imagine sitting on broken glass all night? That’s commitment, baby!

My favorite way to dress up a black gown is with diamonds, darling!

DayUmN. She look good. Most importantly, she matched her frosting to her dress.

He looks so sharp and the green pops just enough but isn’t obnoxious.

I’m such a simple creature. Anytime someone wears this material that literally shines on camera, I’m obsessed. She let the dress do the shining here (literally) and kept it simple with hair and jewels, which I appreciate. Tasteful cutouts are a nice touch too.

This velvet blue is d r e a m y.

VAVAVooOoM. Her hair looks great in this little flippy bob and this dress fits her like a glove.

You know what, HELL YEA. I’ll let it slide. Let Doja Cat bring a little leopard trash to the Oscars. Sure, this is really more fitting for the VMA’s but honestly I think we’re lucky she covered her nips and bits. This is what elegance looks like for the D Cat and I’ll support it because everyone deserves to have a Jersey Shore moment on a red carpet amongst elites.

As always, anyone who wore a boring black tux doesn’t have a place on my blog (unless I’m sexually attracted to them, of course.) Sterling looks like a real stud with the black and white combo.

Correct me if I’m wrong–I usually am–but this is the only blue I saw on the red carpet. And it’s a stunner.

I dumped SO hard all over Timbo’s neon green getup from the SAG’s (where he was the youngest actor to win) and I saw a side by side the next day of him recreating an actual look Bob Dylan wore. So egg on my face, he really was going all in during awards season continuing to honor Bob and I’m guessing this fit is no different. Well, the difference is, this is a lovely pastel and not a puke neon green. I approve of this lil peep.

We’re not supposed to comment on Demi’s bod/beauty/grace at her age because the entire point of her movie was about how obsessed women are with their looks and aging, or so I’m told via headlines and nothing else because there’s not a shot in hell I’m ever going to watch that movie it looked downright horrifying. But sue me because she’s 62 years old and her body is slaaaaaammmminnnnn. She’s dressed for her figure all awards season long and it’s been noted. GET IT, MAMA. Also remember when she was married to Ashton Kutcher? lolz.

Oop, SHINY! Love the different directions of shine to switch it up.

Never would’ve guessed Jerry O’Connell would be at the Oscars let alone earn my bedazzled jacket spot of the night. Good on him.

I don’t really care for the mixed media top, with a friigggggin bow, I’m merely putting this on the best dressed as a vision board reminder to myself that I would like pearl straps on my wedding dress should that day ever arrive. Future Julia who tricked someone into marrying her: say yes to the dress with pearls, booboo.

I die for this color but I’m literally resisting the urge to reach through my computer screen and pick her up by her shoulder straps and carry her around town like a chic grey handbag.

I surprised myself by liking this one. The anti-bow tie sitch is scratching an itch for me and I can’t explain why. Visually 10/10 for the guy who takes himself way too seriously.

We’ll guh ‘head and keep our Roy bros together because they were also nominated against each other in the same category. Kieran looks phenomz in the midnight blue and his wife Jazz followed the sparkly metallics trend and looks amazing as well. Also, the two of them are cute as hell and Kieran’s acceptance speech was real and the ONLY speech that made me laugh in a 4 hour program. (Hey Hollywood, when the world sucks, be the comic relief, don’t be the ones also pointing out how things suck. Thx.)

GET IT, JUNE!

I came after baby pink at the SAG’s because most people were wearing it SO wrong. You gotta break it up, you can’t have it wash you out and match your flesh tone/hair color. I LOVE this look. The sparkly lil bra top opening up into the big ole pink gown is elegant and fun. Party on top, gala on bottom.

Ruby red slippers, yaaassss honay!

JUSTICE FOR WICKED

I saved the Wicked girliepops for last because I want to give them their flowers. First and foremost, this movie for SURE cost a fortune to make, they’re still going to roll out a part 2, and it was THE moment this Fall. You couldn’t go anywhere without someone bringing it up, merch being shoved in your face, or hearing that high note of Defying Gravity. And yet all throughout awards season they’ve been snubbed like nobody’s biz for a movie about the Mexican cartel directed by a french man and starring a bunch of American actresses plus one problematic tweeter. Or, a movie about a New Yorker starring a girl born and raised in CA. Simply put, Wicked has been robbed and I’d like to hold space for that. Hand up, I was just as critical of them because they were not blowing me away on the red carpet when IMO, it would’ve been SUPER easy to make a splash considering how loud the colors and themes of Oz are. I’m glad to see that both of them heard me and gave us the grand finale we all deserve…until next season of course when they run it back. Cynthia’s rocking a MOMENT here with this villainesque velvet. Plus she got to show off her pipes, mostly because they couldn’t let anyone from Emilia Perez perform or they’d look like a bunch of hypocrites. Regardless, they got to kick off the show, so good for them! Still can’t fathom doing a #2 cleanup with those nails, but I’ll stop talking about it…for now.

And that brings us to Mizz GuHlinda herself. Look, I’m never going to like Ariana as a bleach blonde and I’m certainly not the only one who’s been saying it. But she’s staying true to the part and THANKFULLY, she must’ve heard my pleas these past few weeks and literally everyone else’s because I’m definitely not the only one who pointed it out either, but shout out to her spray tan! She’s alive! The pale skin and blonde combo was giving near death and I’m so happy to at least get a little glow this weekend. Most importantly, this is a Glinda the Good Witch dress. Nailed it. This is what I wanted ALL ALONG. She literally looks like she’s coming down in a bubble, bro. It’s perfect.

Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2025

We’re almost through with awards season…and winter, God willing. The SAG’s are typically skipped by the gen pop who doesn’t need another opportunity to listen to the richies of Hollywood wax poetic about why they love being an actor. But they finally moved them to Sunday night on Netflix and let’s be real, we don’t have anything else to do on Sunday nights. I had a 4pm dinner reservation with the olds, carbo-loaded and had an hour to kill before the red carpet even started. If this is what it’s like to be 85, I’m there, baby. Can’t wait. This weekend I went on a mission to find a pair of jeans that fit me, and the result was me buying a pair of elastic waist pleather joggers and WHO NEEDS BUTTONS anymore?! I wore them out on the town last night and demanded my mom take a solo shot of me WERKIN them. Best dressed, AMIRITE?!

Here’s what everyone else wore. It goes without saying that they’ll never look as good as me wearing glorified loungewear on a Saturday night at a swanky cocktail bar.

Pick a style, sleeve or sleeveless. Don’t pull this cop-out one sleeve, one bare arm nonsense.

I’m all in on this silver Chinese finger trap lookin concoction. She’s serving this party city streamer neckline so hard I can’t help but respect it.

The pop of red with her lips and nails makes this as spicy as her Taco Bell sponsored proposal.

My kneejerk reaction is how young this look is. I feel like she’s going to prom, but she JUST turned 21 so honestly, it tracks. She’s just wearing what the youths wear, probably from Shein.

DIE AWAY FROM ME PEPLUM.

I know you’re sick of me complaining about this but she’s GOTTA wear a different shade of pink. This pale pink is washing her completely out. I like the dress style and I think the flowers are pretty but I cannot look at another red carpet appearance by her looking like she checked herself out of the hospital against the Dr’s wishes to be there.

Clearly this was the color of the night, which I very much don’t approve of, but what’s the hot tip you give your hair girl to get this monstrosity? I want you to make it look like I glued my hair to cover half of my face. Make me look like I’m wearing a bonnet made of sleek hair. Give me the Buzz Lightyear special.

Oh my damn this is bad. It’s belly dancer meets boardroom. Wanna class up your chest and belly chain of rhinestones? Just add a collar! Exquisite.

This look is money as hell. A bowtie AND a scarf?! He has many leather-bound books and his house smells of rich mahogany.

Abby Elliott is my style twin. I love everything she wears. She’s not afraid to rock a pastel and a girl after my own heart she matches all her accessories precisely! Brings a tear to my eye.

Ooohh this dress is like smooth chrome. I wanna touch it.

Keri always looks stunning but for the love of God stop PINNING A GIANT FLOWER ON DRESSES.

The pattern of this dress looks like worms. But that’s not what I want to discuss here. I want to discuss the fact that Jane Fonda was the first star to do a red carpet interview and I genuinely thought her batteries died mid-interview. Obviously as all red carpet “emcees” go, they’re essentially braindead and all they do is call women queens and tell them they slay and slobber all over them. But this chooch asked 2-3 legit questions and Jane short-circuited and stared at her with her mouth agape each time she was expected to answer. Yet when she accepted the life achievement award, she was able to give a VERY lengthy boring speech reading from a teleprompter. Is Jane Fonda a robot who needed to get plugged in and powered up for the show? You heard it here first.

This is the only way I will accept this color. Silk tuxedo jammy style.

These two are wearing the same dress and you cannot convince me otherwise. Ya smooch the same guy one time and now ya gotta twin at awards show?!

Sick doily.

Very appropos for a Showgirl nom. Give us a shimmy, guuuurrrrrllll.

I was into the glitter flowers but when I scanned down to those boots, OOoooHHHEEEE. I need me a pair of gold boots.

Obsessed with this. I need a mint Marvelous Mrs. Maisel fit IMMEDIATELY. The leather gloves give it a real bad grrl edge.

No. Get this the hell out of my face forever.

Neon green, a bolo, and a leather suit are all choices and none of them are good ones.

Poop suits unite! No but seriously though I hate a brown suit and both of these babes are pulling it off.

Big leather guy over here (did I mention I am the proud new owner of clearance leather joggers?) but this little shelf thing happening at her hips is a peplum in disguise. GET RID OF IT.

J.A.W. clearly watched Kendrick saunter all over the football field in those bootcut jeans and said, me too. Gimme a little flare.

SLEEK

This looks like a watercolor and I’m very mesmerized by it. Supes prettz.

This is so hideous and he’s a walking velvet booger, but also the way that jacket is tied is also giving Karate class. He’s about to HI-YA his way right out of your nose.

Two words: Chunky Platforms. I feel like we’re back in the Steve Madden era and I don’t like it one bit.

💃💃💃

I didn’t expect to like this calf-length coat but it’s fierce as shit. It’s like am I going to a funeral or am I going to walk a red carpet? Am I hiding an assault rifle in here or am I just a theater kid with a flair for the dramatics?No one will ever know.

A mermaid IRL.

I’m obsessed with the color periwinkle but how did we go from Kenny’s bootcut halftime moment to full blown JNCO’s? That escalated so quickly. And not for nothing but I’ve been on the hunt for a pair of jeans that fit me and you know what makes an already terrible shopping experience of finding pants that will button EVEN WORSE? NOT KNOWING WHAT THE BOTTOMS OF YOUR JEANS SHOULD BE DOING. Skinny? Straight? Stovepipe? Slim? Bootcut? Flare? Baggy? Barrel? Ankle? WHAT ARE WE DOING WITH JEANS THESE DAYS?! PICK ONE STYLE. JUST ONE. AND LET IT BE IN STYLE FOR ALL OF ETERNITY.

Oh shit, Ray-J, she’s been bringing the heat and the rack this awards season. Ok, girl. I see you.

Immediately no. Why this homeslice lookin like he’s gonna cut you up into pieces in his basement? Nightmares.

This is the best I’ve seen Kathy Bates looking since she clearly went on the zempic diet and are those gym sneaks she’s rockin downtown? Keep it comfy, booboo.

Ope look at that now we’ve got Karate Kid Part 2!

This is a female tuxedo look I can get behind. Enough of the ties and baggy 90’s suits on ladies. Cinch a cummerbund around your snatched waist and toss on a stack of pearls to class up your menswear.

I do love a plaid moment even though it’s not Christmas.

This blue is SO eye-catching and fun and makes her blonde stand out!

The skinny scarf trend of the early aughts has made its way to the men. Yikes. Let’s not and say we did.

I’ve never been happier to close out a red carpet so I can stop seeing this awful flesh-tone on a bunch of pasty ladies. WEAR A BRIGHT COLOR SO YOUR SKIN DOES NOT MATCH YOUR DRESS, BB’S.

THIS IS HOW YOU DO A SOFT PINK! Dark hair, dark skin, and this color looks a bajillion times better. I said out loud as soon as I saw Kerry, “shining, shimmering, splendid.” And I meant it. This is my favorite look of the night and it ain’t even close. It’s fairy princess fun and glam, her hair completely matches the sleek retro vibe, and this is how you take a color of the moment and make it memorable.

Red Carpet

Critics Choice Awards 2025 Red Carpet

I don’t know if it was because this awards show was rescheduled twice or because it’s on cable or because it doesn’t really matter, but everyone SURE dressed like dumpster soup! In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that the men all looked stunning and the women all looked like they got dressed in the dark. #Feminism. No but seriously, I gotta calls it like I sees it. Kanye’s slave, oop, I mean wife, who showed up fully nude to the Grammys looked better than this ragtag crew. So in light of the fact that I gasped at half of these looks, I will most certainly not be dividing it up into categories. You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. Here’s my Kacey Musgraves bohemian cowgirl inspired lewk that I wore to therapy after the Grammys this week. It didn’t receive rave reviews but my dog couldn’t take her eyes off me and that’s really all that matters. (Definitely didn’t have to do with the fact that she needed a walk and I was busy taking mirror selfies.)

Now onto the toxic sludge leftovers that draped celebrities for a Friday night awards ceremony hosted by Chelsea Handler on E!

Is homegirl just matching her gowns to her skintone to her hair this awards season? Cause she’s 2/2 and I’m baffled by this. Just like I KNOW I said 1000 times in last year’s Barbie era…if you are nominated for a character that is a very bold, and COLOR CODED character with a distinct wardrobe, why are you not shoving that down our throats in your red carpet fits? I expected GUHlinda the good witch to be slamming pink all up in our bubbles. Not showing up in what I imagine lives at the bottom of a pond in the winter.

Oh great! Did we all send out a memo that said “everyone must wear mud!” Cause holy shit what an unflattering skin tone we’ve chosen to coordinate in. The Granny’s lace isn’t helping matters either.

Miami Vice/Wolf of Wall Street/what my dad wore to church in the 90’s ain’t it. We can’t be out here wearing baggy menswear and calling it fashion. Or even if she’s making a political statement like if I dress like a leading man from 1984, will you pay me like one? Whatever the motive is, it’s not a good enough reason to wear this goofy ass suit.

Leighton got the mud memo but added a little sparkle to it. I’m deeply saddened by her bangs but at least the dress style/shape hits. Adam really doesn’t need to do much to look like a damn snack.

I don’t think I need to reshare my toga party pic from the Globes, but this is wrap yourself in a bedsheet rough. Rougher actually, because it’s like she just wrapped herself in 5 different bedsheets. Or dug around the bottom of her hamper and sewed whatever was there together and dropped it over her head. SO Sustainable Chic.

How Nancy Reagan of her. Considering the sea of bad looks she’s floating in, I don’t aggressively hate it. But obviously it does not match the energy you want to bring to the function that is a knock-off awards show.

Back to back politically conservative styles. You know I can easily be swayed by a razzle.

I LOVE this light grey and I love it even more paired with crisp white kicks.

What a total snooze cruise. As my personal heroes, MK&A said in critically acclaimed flick Passport to Paris.

PEPLUM.

Oh, ok you little Valentine’s sweet treat, you!

Again, given the circumstances, I’m willing to jive with this Grecian Goddess cosplay when normally I’d be like alright, that’s enough. Mostly because I’ve always wanted to be able to pull off the wraparound braid like that without looking like a total goon.

Kinda brought the men’s average down with this mixed media poop suit.

Another “trend” that I’m very vocal about hating… the structured dress. I’m sorry if you don’t have child-bearing hips as I do, but creating them via a gown just looks absolutely ridiculous.

This is tacky as heck. I mean congrats on the perky thangs, but the style of this dress, color, and weird bolero sitch happening at the shoulders is ick.

I won’t even hate on the Wednesday Addams dupe because she’s serving it so well. As the kidz these days say: she ate and left no crumbs.

Kinda bridal shower-y but I like the fun pumps and she looks snatched.

Very classy and elegant. Almost too? Save this for the Grammys or Oscars, BB!

I know TikTok has ruined my brain because all that played in my head when I saw this was the high-pitched “oh no, oh no, ohNoOhNOOHNO” sound from the Tok. We can’t let this app get banned because how will I reference trending sounds from 4 years ago?! Forrealz though what the hell am I looking at? I sewed my own gym bag in Home Ec one year, got blood all over it from sticking myself with the needle and it still turned out better than whatever this sewing project is.

Hot damn I love a maroon moment.

SMG does look glowing if I do say so myself but I do strongly dislike a giant flower tacked onto a dress.

See what I mean? The men BROUGHT IT. What a dreamboat in this grey/green tone.

Who needs a piñata for a funeral?! Look no further.

PUT THE GLASSES ON MPG!!! I melted a little when I saw Zack Morris looking this FOINE on my TV screen and actually wearing the glasses instead of holding them as a prop would’ve been a total panty soaker.

I’ll say this, putting that knob in between her yabbos worked because my eye was immediately drawn to it. It’s like an optical illboobsion. The rest of this dress looked like it got caught in the lawnmower. What a rack tho.

I like that I saw maybe one or two plain black tuxes and every other dude went for it. This mustard jacket is definitely a risk but Grobes is pulling.it.OFF.

Alright let’s get down with a pop of seafoam! Dress looks great, don’t know if we needed the True Faith by Ramona-esque necklace circa 2008 as the only accent but whatevs.

Classic charcoal exterior, spicin it up with the tie and shirt combo. Love this way more than his Grammys leisure suit.

Sure, just toss a net over an adorable brunch floral dress. Makes total sense and definitely isn’t infuriating at all. I love fashion.

Crochet had a MOMENT this summer and I like splashing it in an unexpected place.

Love the pink lip but I’m suuuuuuper bored with these plain ole black gowns. You may be thinking but Ju, you hate when someone is very trendy high fash too. And to that I say I feel seen. Don’t be boring, but don’t be weird.

Jeff Goldblum loves to rock a zany jacket and I love him for it.

I actually really like that this is a sheer bottom. It keeps it spicy considering that top is slouchy af. The gold waistband is also super flattering. This is the best girlypop of the night for me because I’m not overly enraged by any piece of this. So she’s got that goin for her, which is nice.

At first glance I was like YOIKES red and maroon don’t go together, and then it kinda grew on me. Plus, it’s Colin and he has such a sexy mean mug. Bad boyz wear shades of crimson.

This falls into the black blob category of the evening, apparently it was wear a flesh tone or wear black or get lawst. I do like the tuxedo effect here even though she for sure looks like she lives in Lakewood, NJ. (This is a very niche joke and I’ll be happy as a clam if even ONE person laughs at it.)

This is exactly what I would expect a woman in her 80’s to wear to a fancy function and she’s killin it! GET IT, JUNE!

Red Carpet

Grammys 2025 Red Carpet

Honestly kind of bold to have Music’s Biggest Night go on without rescheduling after the city blazed for like 3 weeks straight. They claimed to keep things as is so they could celebrate the resilience of the city, and of course hawk a QR code for donations every 5 mins. No offense but if I’m donating to LA after the fires, I’m not sending my money to a generic QR code from a major television network not having any idea where it’s going. And while I’m dumping on charity, the opening act of the night with Dawes and a bunch of other famous musicians singing “I Love LA” was bizarro world. In roasting this, I had to google the song, and I found out it’s an old song by Randy Newman. So I guess this diss goes out to Randy. That song corny as hell, man. Felt like a song from Barney if Barney really loved LA. You wanna support LA after the fires? Stream Heidi Montag’s new remix of I’ll Do It ft. Pitbull. (I’m totally kidding, I don’t know shit about how to help after the fires, I just know I’m not scanning a QR code or singing “look at those mountains. look at those trees.” )

I came in hot and for that I DO NOT apologize. Sorry is for suckers. So let’s keep the ball busting rolling with the fashion choices of the eve. But first, my tradish of showing you a runway ready outfit from me so you know I have the credentials to judge others fashion choices.

Glorified PJS or Aspen chic? Or both? Stunted this ‘fit on a 0 degree day where I forced myself to leave my house and go work in a coffee shop. Now onto the people who think 65 degrees is a cold day.

WORST

I thought we got rid of this family? Haven’t they created enough of a scene individually and collectively over the past decade? Now we gotta roll back up wearing a house hat? Get the hell out of my face. How much we gotta donate to ban all 4 members from all of Hollywood?

Everything I said above applies here as well.

NORAH JONES, EVERYBODY! The same woman that gave us the soulful piano stylings of the early aughts is back and lookin FUNKY. Don’t get me wrong, I hate every part of this outfit, but also I’m kinda like mad respect for quirkin it up this much. I wanna give her a fist bump but also I want to burn my eyes out of their sockets just from looking at this mixed media concoction accentuated with a giant red clown belt.

It’s a rare day when I like a Billie outfit and today just isn’t that day. It’s the flipped up Skipper hat (with casj dangly strings?) and the weird sunglasses that live just below her eyes that did me in this time.

Stop it. Stop it right now with the micro bangs. I REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING ACCENTED BY MICROS. In fact, my eyes land on those monstrosities first and then I just stop scanning down, because I’m too angry. Except don’t think I didn’t also catch Gaga’s bleached brows hangin out beneath the baby bangs. Horrifying. If you forgot, here’s my rant from the last red carpet via Ariana Grande and a throwback visual as to why I hate these bangs so much. Why don’t we just get all of our bang girlies out of the way in one big (micro) clump:

What hairstylist started this trend? Get them away from scissors immediately.

These aren’t micros but I grouped them in because she belongs in the bad haircut club with whatever’s going on past those bangs. Honestly I got a little PTSD when I looked at it because that’s exactly what my SuperCuts “front angle” looked like. If I were rich like Miley, I could’ve sued for my hair hack job. So she should lawyer up, probs.

Does the girl who wears leopard every day get down with Chappell’s whole schtick? Obv not. I’m too much of a traditionalist to be into these over the top themed costumes that she rocks on the daily double. Kudos to her fans that stan these lewks, but it ain’t me. Music slaps tho.

Who the hell invited this guy?!* Another one I thought we were rid of. Actually upon second glance at this photo where he literally looks like he’s going to murder me, good to see ya Kanye. Welcome back, babe. No bad blood here! Big time fan. Especially of your Kim K lookalike wife’s “outfit.” Top notch nips.

*just found out: no one. No one invited him and they were promptly escorted off of the premises.

I would’ve slapped a NSFW tag on this picture, but if this is how a human can “dress” in broad daylight on a red carpet, apparently there are no rules anymore and I can just roll up to work tomorrow with my labia out just as long as I put a stocking over it.

Johnny Legend looks fabulous. Chrissy out here lookin like an insect *after dark.*

The deepest of V’s and the hardest of staches.

UGH Finneas, a poop suit and rapey colored glasses?! Good thing his lady looks like a dime.

Alicia, tell me how your head feels tomorrow after dragging those bad boys around all night. Guess it’s trendy to hang tree ornaments off of our ears now.

Imagine being this short and also dressing like a matador?!

At first I was like oohh steel gray corset drama but also what a party this dress is. I was overlooking the knee high gladiator sandals. And I was underestimating how much I could let that go. The answer of course was not at all. Once I started thinking about how much I hated them, I couldn’t stop. When gladiators were all the rage I got several comments from the men in my family asking when the battle was and I got bullied so hard that it only makes me want to ask Charli the same question. Thankfully my gal pal Kat who ALWAYS disagrees with me on red carpet hot takes was on the same page calling her an 1800’s prostitute.

Never would’ve pegged Busta to be a church robe kinda guy. Although I guess we could’ve seen it coming in 2006 with: “Lot of my bitches be comin’ from miles around / See they be comin’ cause they know how the God get down”

Not a good enough reason to wear a macramé belt.

When bad patterns happen to good people. My condolences shakiraSHAKIRA.

Ope a dress with a landing strip! Gross!

I’ve seen Paris do a million times better but to be honest the sunglasses ruined the entire vibe. Did she and Finneas go to the same Sunglasses Hut? Why are we jamming tinted dad shades down everyone’s throats? Questions we may never know the answer to.

Not to knock the Cowboy Queen of the night but this dress photographs like a decorated cork board. It also physically pains me to see boobs squished this hard. Let those puppies breathe a little. They’re fighting for their lives with that cut.

BEST

Oooh ZEDD YOU KNOW I LOVE A SPARKLE SUIT!

I couldn’t shit on her outfit like I did the male counterparts of her family. How does one kid come out thinking wearing a whole house on his head is cool and the other one is a normie? Genetics, man.

YaaaAaaaAaaaSSSS baby!💋✨ -is what I imagine JLo would text me if I wore this outfit. So I’m just showing her the same hype gurl energy.

DAMN GURL! Those cutouts be CUTTIN. I just panicked that I was objectifying a teens’ body because her first hit was Drivers License and I suffer from perpetually thinking 2019 was a couple years ago, so I was like oh shit is she even 18 yet?! Quick Google search and I’m in the clear to comment on Liv’s bod-ody-oday because she’s 21. She can drink and make grown-up decisions now. Key word I am clear to comment because if you’re a guy, you’re never allowed to comment. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk about how only a snarky blogger in her thirties can talk about a 21 year old popstar’s g00dies.

I like the silver and blue, very midnights chic…but by George how does she wipe with those daggers?!

I liked her inside outfits better, mostly because girl has got HAIR and to pull it up is an injustice for all. Sabrina rocketed to stardom this year with a bunch of sexual innuendos and wearin negligees. So this outfit is right on par and it definitely works for her. Great color and just enough feather to make it saucy.

Shaboozey with the shimmer scarf. Go Off, King!

Sheryl is lookin SNATCHED! I love that a. she still looks amahzing 2. she came out of the woodwork and was part of the Sesame Street song in the beginning. c. she’s like boho chic casj cool at the Grammys.

Sometimes I just give it to a person who’s wearing something super dumb but looks so happy and committed that I find myself loving this journey for them. Teddy Swims is a dude who can EASILY be confused with both Jelly Roll and Post Malone. Except neither of those fools would be caught dead in a pearl cap and matching silky pearl jacket. GET down with your PEARL self, Teddy!

I will forever be jealous of someone who can serve an unsmiling look and not look like a circus freak/potential axe murderer. Gracie is SLAYING the mean mug. She looks like she could order one of her disciples to kill you but also like a sweet, gentle Mother Teresa at the same time. HOW?! Teach me your ways, girl!

I know I came in real bitchy and you were probz expecting me to just dump all over every look but I MUST be feeling generous to give this a best dressed nod. I think it’s the coordination here for me. The Navy Blue set with matching hat. Janelle did an MJ/Quincy trib so she was channeling that era and honestly she dresses like MJ anyway, so it was a perfect match.

My obligatory nod to the host looking nice even though they never wear anything particularly spicy.

Not only did she coordinate cream jackets with her mans (and Noah Kahan) but she looks like a tall drink of Babe Soda. The red carpet commentator made sure to emphasize that this minidress is made of HARD plastic and that it was likely very uncomfortable. No shit! If my elastic waistband doesn’t touch the underside of my boobs, I’m uncomfortable. I could NEVER squeeze my body into this let alone walk a red carpet without busting through the legos or having a nip slip.

An oat milk Prince.

I love Tori Kelly so much and I feel like I haven’t heard music from her in forever so I’m happy to see her here, which means she’s probably producing or writing for others and I love how she is one with the carpet. Tori IS the red carpet, bitches! She looks like a beautiful crimson mermaid.

If you get to host an awards show apparently you get a season’s pass to the rest of them? Cause I don’t really see why Nikki should be at the Grammy’s other than the fact that she singlehandedly funded The Era’s Tour from now many times she went. (Spoiler alert, she played a key role in stripping Benson Boone mid-performance and it did make me giggle.) All that to say, her legs look amazing and I always appreciate a mint moment.

I can’t be a hooch for cheetah print and not clap it up for a fellow jungle cat. She’s literally a bedazzled tiger. Rawr.

I wonder why she’s wearing Red? Her stems be STEMMIN tho.

A surprise cameo towards the end of the 9 hour show and how iconic is it to *poof* appear in a cloud of organza and glitter?! I need this sparkle suit immeds.

FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

I LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS LOOK! It’s so simple and that’s why I’m obsessed with it. I could wear this to the bar if I wanted to! (I absolutely couldn’t, I barely go to bars and when I do they’re full of olds wearing hoodies.) But I do wear a white tank like nobody’s biz and pairing such a basic top with the razzly dazzliest of skirts is so fun! I even like the belt as the accent to break up the two and I NEVER like a chunky belt. Kacey’s killin it and also stood out from the rest of the pack with a tasteful amount of shimmer&shine and without showing too much skinz.

Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2025

NEW YEAR, SAME SHIT, YO! I’m drinking the wine and judging the looks. Since I spent the last week switching from night jammies to day jammies then back to my night jammies again, I don’t have a super recent high fashion streetwear snap of the type of looks I’m rockin in my very busy and important life of sampling the local TJ Maxx’s. What I DO have, is a photo of an outfit I casually slipped into at the end of November and felt like a damn main character of a Hallmark movie. What did I don this ‘fit for, you ask? Therapy. Didn’t even wear it for the full day. Strutted into my therapists’ office, she basically gave me a construction worker low whistle, demanded that I spin for her, and then 50 mins later I returned back to my home, took this picture and dove head-first into a sweatsuit.

Honestly, getchu a therapist and a dog that will gas you up like mine do when you wear something other than a fleece onesie. And yea, obviously the sunglasses completed the look. The sun never sets on cool.

WORST

Get a load of friggin emo Big Bird.

Obviously she gotta body and she knows it, but the maroon and emerald green combo is offensive to my eyes.

When I scrolled down and got to the bottom of this gown I gasped. What the shit is that?!

A bow belt AND the cupcake tiers?! What did our eyes do to deserve being assaulted by multiple early aughts fashion fails.

YIKES this sucks. To be fair, if you ever have micro bangs, I’ll never be able to get past them. You could be wearing the most beautiful gown but if your bangs only reach the middle of your forehead, it’s a total wash. Don’t believe me? Ask past Ju how ENRAGED she was for half of season 6 of Dawson’s Creek.

I’ll never understand why people choose the style of dress that makes it look like you have rhino-sized child bearing hips. Makes me wonder if the girlies whose bodies resemble a straight line are jealous of my dumper. While I buy leggings that suck it all in, pull all the way up to my breast bone, and are made of a material that still manages to fall apart where my thigh gap SHOULD be from the sheer force of friction every time I take a step, skinny bitches rock a structured igloo gown to make believe baby got back.

Babydoll top with ruffles?! Wtf is that, Keira?! I feel like we went back 20 years and you’re here promoting Love Actually. Hey babe:

Not digging this baggy fit on top.

Oh great, another bird! Or a piñata! s/o Party City!

Girl’s talented as hell but she dresses like a trash bag. Both the hair and the dress feel very ‘just got off of my shift at the casino’ and swung by these awards on the way home.

Hate to break it to you, babe, but I wore this exact outfit to the only toga party I ever got invited to in college. And honestly, my tiny black crossbody and probably warm Keystone really completed the look.

PLLLZZZZ don’t bring the tiny scarf trend back. I know this is part of the dress and not technically a scarf, but it’s also the same. Not super down with the embroidered tots either.

1. This photographed SO terribly. 2. Even with a good pic, it still is a no for me, dawg. The color washes her out, the hair looks like she tossed it up to go to the hairdresser and have them style it, and that neckline is also a trend I never want to see again. Why do only the worst trends have a resurgence?!

Kate is a legend and this fit is way too matronly. It’s not doing her any favors. Also, cool it with the embroidered flowers, H-Wood.

Meh. It’s not offensive, it’s just so BLAH.

I feel like Amy Adams has worn the same exact dress for every single awards show ever and frankly I’m sick of it. Change it up, booboo. Take a damn risk.

GIANT FLOWER ON YOUR SHOULDER, LOOK OUT!

What is this, the declaration of independence?

Probably unpopular opinion, but you can do a revenge dress without your nipples poking out the eye of the one you’re wanting to piss off. Let me be clear, I’m 1000% #TeamBri, Zach Bryan is a scum bucket who deserves to be cancelled off this planet and this is her moment to shine since he made her feel like dogshit for the dress she wore to last year’s Golden Globes. She’s hot, she’s young, she’s a rising star. And this dress is too much. All of these things can be true. Also, not for nothing, but I’ve worn sticky boobs before for certain dresses and I’ve spent the ENTIRE time adjusting my boobs because it felt so uncomfortable and weird to try and shape my boobs into a small suction. There’s NO way it’s even remotely comfy to keep your thangs covered by these half moons.

Peplum & Mermaid bottom.

None of this is hitting for me.

No, but who did this to her. It’s like a couch with a velvet rope slung around her shoulders.

WOW that’s an eyesore.

I didn’t want to dump all over the entire Wicked cast but sorry bout it, I can’t pretend to like this monstrosity.

I hate this So so so SosososSO so much. DRESSING LIKE A 90’s DAD IS NOT HIGH FASHION. And making the tie a feather is just taunting me at this point. IT’S WORKING. MY BLOOD IS BOILING.

Why is she going so hard in the paint as the weird art teacher aunt lately? This fall, I bought a pair of suede clogs and an embroidered sweater and my sister ROASTED me and called me an art teacher and I’d just like to formally say, on the internet, where it will live forever, the above look is PEAK art teacher. The below stunner is basically runway ready:

Honestly, I think I could easily be flipped on this. Like if she had her hair down. JK I just took another look at the pointy shoulders and got re-annoyed.

mmmm this is a quilt, buttercup. Also, it’s been a minute since we’ve seen the infuriating pieces of hair in the face dangles.

PEP.LUM.

Instead of typing out my commentary, I’ll just leave you with this quote which is what I IMMEDIATELY thought of when seeing this look.

A skinny scarf and a pube ‘stache. KEWL.

Holding space for the draped sheet dress.

BEST

Oh ok, Toni Braxton.

I’ve never seen a pashmina look so chic.

Oh my damn, The Rock is making lilac HAPPEN.

This guy’s like probably in his forties now and he’ll always be adorable. I don’t make the rules, I just make them. I just want to stick his bellhop jacket clad body right in my pocket and carry him around foreva.

She got me with the matching shoes and all of you already know that because I’m a slut for color coordination. I also really love this splash of a totally different color in a sea of neutrals and reds.

Never thought I’d be hard up for a little piping but it sure does complete this suit. Suave as hell.

I mean you literally do not get more Golden Globe than this dazzler!

Only a hot bitch like Glen Powell could rock aviators on the red carpet. He’s such a panty soaker and he knows it, folks.

This is how you tastefully use feathers.

This is how you tastefully use chains. JK. But actually though, this is pretty cool. Angelina looks fabulous and not at all like a woman who spent the better part of a decade settling a divorce.

I feel like this is out of her comfort zone as she usually goes more basic and I’m so here for it. She looks AMAZING!

Ooh yeh baby, throw that rainbow streamer cape! This is so badass.

Bringing her son and going sans makeup is so wholesome for someone who the world has seen naked. I’m so jazzed by this second act for ole Pammy and she looks phenomenal.

HOW FUN!

God Bless Zoe for posing with her hands out to show that she did indeed match her mani to her fit.

Oh my gawwwww, Demi shining, shimmering, splendid!! This dress looked even better in movement on camera and honestly tough choice for best dressed, Demi was a top contender for sure. And spoiler alert, she won her first Globe! Because if I’ve learned anything, we don’t acknowledge women in Hollywood until they’re thinking about giving up and retiring quietly into the night. I didn’t see her movie but I heard it was weird AF, so there’s no way it deserved a W. Either way, whatta babe.

Don’t be pervs about this but that pearl neckline. GASP. Another top look of the night!

GET IT, FRAN.

Do I love this dress full of mirrors because I would probably spend the whole time looking at my own reflection if I were talking to her? I’ll never tell.

Living for the Hollywood veteran rolling through a red carpet with her hands in her pockets looking comfy AF. This gown is dressy but also somehow the overalls of formalwear and I couldn’t be more obsessed.

A great Gold vibe for the host. She’s literally monochromatic from head to toe. Like how is it possible for your hair, skin and dress to be the exact same bronze shade?!

s/o to Jennifer’s spray tan.

HIS BUCKET HAT MATCHES HIS SUIT. ICONIC. I absolutely need this outfit for Easter to irritate my family.

Cooper Koch, living proof that if you look like a Ken doll, you can wear a plain old black tux and kill it.

It’s simple but I like these little sparkle peeperonis.

Yes.

Periwinkle is my favorite color and it looks fab on Jean.

Ok, Glittery Goddess!!

Kate Hudson can wear a colored jewel for the rest of time and I’ll always reference the Isadora diamond and that’s why pop culture is Queen. But she know’s exactly what she’s doing with this frosting and turns out it doesn’t matter if it’s yellow or blue, she gonna pull it off.

Confidence is key when wearing colored lenses and that cocky finger point shows me he has it in spades.

Changing things up for BEST DRESSED OF THE NIGHT by awarding a male and a female winner! #Equality

BEST DRESSED MALE OF THE NIGHT

America’s nerdy King of Sarcasm crush DELIVERED, bb’s! Holy Jade Green Hotness! I’m so obsessed with this look and what a total babe soda he is without even really knowing it. We stan a humble and emotionally mature man. He’s literally wearing a boutonniere. TAKE ME TO PROM, ADAM.

BEST DRESSED FEMALE OF THE NIGHT

Are you even remotely surprised that I chose the leopard moment to honor?! Never thought I’d call bedazzled leopard boobs elegant and understated but here we are. It’s the perfect accent to a Glam Gold Gown. Well done, lil Fanning.

And for a sleeper award of the night, gotta give it up to my mom who texts a very simple but very bitchy comment during every awards show that makes me giggle.

Someone get this woman a Twitter. The world needs her thoughts.

Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2024

IT’S COUNTRY MUSIC’S BIGGEST NIGHT, Y’ALL!!!!! But before we dive into the boots, hats, and fringe of the red carpet, a moment of silence for my #ootd for Sunday errands (an outfit I was so chuffed with that I repeated it 3 times in one week, not sorry bout it.)

If this espresso dream isn’t qualified to judge a red carpet, I DON’T KNOW WHO IS.

Gonna change up the format as I sometimes do when there’s not 377 photos like there are at bigger awards shows and just toss them all out in a row without categorizing best or worst dressed. You’ll obviously know how I feel by my snarkalicious caption. Speaking generally though, nothing truly offended me from this red carpet. Is it because I let country stars get away with more because they’re the cool aunt of Hollywood? Perhaps. But also, TONS of basic blacks and sparkles last night so I didn’t really have an opportunity to do a wine spit-take.

Taking mama as your plus one to the red carpet is always a swoonworthy move. Mama Lynch looks phenomenal. Very flattering shimmery dress and hair. Her son on the other hand, I could do without the wife beater under a pinstriped poop suit. Jus sayin. I feel like he was trying to mimic my top tier mixture of taupes from above but took a hard left into white trash land.

I’m like 99.9% confident she’s worn this exact dress before. Am I being punk’d? WHERE’S ASHTON?!

This is so early aughts bad. Like you could tell me she’s attending the Lizzie McGuire Movie premiere and I’d be like yup, that checks. Only thing missing is an iridescent appliqué butterfly.

I LOVE this duo ‘fit. The pop of floral with the solid burgundy is CHEF’S KISS.

Honestly this groutfit isn’t the greatest thing I’ve ever seen but I’m giving Freddie his moment to shine because he jammed HR after HR down the Yanks throats in the World Series and he deserves to celebrate that gettin’ loose as a goose at Tootsies.

It would be rude of me to spend my Saturday night scream singing along with Mitchy, finally seeing him live after talking about seeing him live for a solid 7 years, only to slam his fashion sense less than a week later. So I won’t. Even though green rhinestone flames adorning a suit like they’re painted on the side of a race car is REAL tacky. I do appreciate him and wifey fully committing to the ‘we’re country folk’ bit. The chunky turquoise and bolo tie were a nice touch. But dressed down in a Posty shirt wailing about breakups and bitches is more my speed, M10.

If the skinny scarf trend comes back I’ll hurl myself off a cliff. THIS LOOKS BEYOND STUPID.

I have absolutely nothing to say about this outfit, I just want you to guess who this human is. Because when I saw the caption I IMMEDIATELY gasped, said there’s no way, then googled *insert celebrity name* plastic surgery because THAT IS NOT HIS FACE. Step away from the knife, good sir. (BTW, you know that if a woman did this everyone would be AWL over it so let’s bash a man for a shitty facelift for a change. #EQUALITY.)

Carly looks supes uncomfy and I would too if I had a rhombus covering each tot. What a weird choice for the top of this otherwise pretty gown.

GET IT, JEFF BRIDGES! From the patterned jacket to the matching velvet boots, what a STUD!

A shimmery nude princess. Also, not enough girls rep the party pony on red carpets and I love the sassy tone it sets for a look. She’s ready to drop it low to A Bar Song.

I will drool all over Lauren every day and twice on Sunday. Homegirl has got the farm babe wholesome gorge vibes on lock. Her luscious mane also gives Connie Britton’s a run for her money. Am I on a watch list for cr33pin on Lauren Akins yet? Feel like we got pretty close there. TR looks good but we all know who the real star of the show is. Also the way he’s smiling in this particular shot looks like he just ripped one and whiffed it. Tell me I’m wrong.

Hand up, I’ve hated Colbie Callait ever since she burst onto the music scene in the early 2000’s. For absolutely no reason. Basically, Colbie and Jack Johnson sang two songs that annoyed the shit out of me (Bubbly & Banana Pancakes, respectively) and were overplayed to death, therefore I hated these two singers with the fire of a thousand suns. That’s just how the cookie crumbles. BUT, I love this look for her.

This dress does absolutely nothing for her. It’s shapeless and wrinkly foil with straps that are fashioned much like I would wear a bedsheet at my college Toga Parties.

Chris wears this outfit every time he’s in public and I’m pretty much convinced he sleeps in it as well. Morgane looks stunning and I’d like to put it in writing that if she files for divorce after Chris’ very public terrible huz moment last night, I wouldn’t blame her for a second. Chris wins single of the year, hits the stage and thanks a few people then tosses it over to the other writers on the song, who THANK HIS WIFE. Yes, that’s right. His co-writers thanked his wife, NOT HIM. The same song (“White Horse”, which I could’ve sworn has been out for at least five years) wins again and he immediately apologizes for not only forgetting to thank his wife but not having her up onstage to accept the award with him because she was also a producer on the song. He claims it all happened so fast and thanks her for making his music possible. WOOF. DOG HOUSE, BUB. GET ON IN IT. Then they sang a duet and she looked like she wanted to incinerate him with her eyes. #TeamMorgane #JusticeforMorgane

Oh, OK with the coordinated duds! I love her heels and I think these two look sharp as shit.

This ain’t it, girrrrl. The yoga pants of formalwear.

I love this move. You take a hip hop jam from 2004, rework it to a country beat and it becomes THE drinking song of the summer (alongside “I Had Some Help” of course) and then show up to the CMA’s in a mint suit. THAT is embracing your fifteen minutes. Right down to the sparkly clogs.

Crushed. A blueberry pie. Honestly, this may be the only time I don’t shit all over the peplum because it’s such a ‘splosion of tulle that it WORKS. What a moment.

Not loving the glitter and embroidered combo on Caroline or the fact that Luke’s pants look like they’re 4 ft too long with the way they’re scrunched & bunched all up his legs. Can’t win em all, Bryan’s.

You can’t see this looking straight-on but the sides are open on this dress adding a real sexy peep show up top. I’m here for said peep show and a fun glitzy party frock. She also slayed her performance look, SHOCKING TO NO ONE! It’s Kelsea’s year, BB, get on board. TOOT TOOT.

Big fan of the Dickersons over here, but even stans can say what the actual F are you wearing? It’s like Molly Ringwald meets 70’s pimp. These two look they showed up almost a month late to a Halloween party. Russell, I loved when you ripped your shirt off Chippendales style at the end of your RD party, but there’s a time and a place for full chesties and a red carpet ain’t it, bruh.

This porn stache can die away from me, immeds. He shaves that lip rug off and this all black errethang look is a pantydropper. With it, it’s rapey as hell.

I’m very into this witchy cloak number and I didn’t think I would be but she’s pulling it OFF. 10/10.

Jeeze, Keith, could you at least act like you give a shit? Couldn’t even toss on a button down with your jeans and Tim Riggins jacket?

So down with these jazzy sheer pants. I’ve always loudly made fun of Lainey’s comically large cartoon-like hats, and now that I see her man wearing a matching one, I gotta flip my criticism and say good for you, girl. Find you a mans who will wear a big ole 10 gallon hat in public to match yours. That’s true love. I can only hope my future counterpart will be just as passionate about buying a hat every time he has one sip of alcohol like I am.

Love the blue jacket and as I write this, Chris Stapleton just won (again) SPOILER ALERT and as they announced that it was Chris’s 8th win in this category they panned to Luke and he screamed in disbelief EIGHT?! And I laughed out loud like a maniac. It was like a hot mic moment but actually a jumbotron showing of drunk facial expressions and he’s a real one for that. Kept me from nodding off cause shit’s getting real boring up in here. Wifey looks gr8, really like the top of this dress, and perhaps would like it even more if it wasn’t obstructed by giant erect bow.

Kind of a weird vibe as these outfits are bringing completely different energies to the function, but this oat milk suit is niiice.

Any other event and I would dump all over this dress and say it’s arts and crafts loads of ridiculousness. But at the CMA’s?! It’s perfect. It’s Levi’s meets showgirl and so fun! Plus, she looks snatched AF. Brava.

Red Carpet

Emmys Red Carpet 2024

I spent Thursday through Sunday alternating between pool and beach soaking up peak summer sunshine because may I remind you, summer does not *officially* end until September 21st and it felt a little jarring to be thrown back into awards season. I’d like to petition the Emmys to move to later in the month. I’m not ready for it yet. It’s too soon. So please accept this rusty re-initiation into red carpet season with a promise that it will get better. Luckily for us all, I’ll have some time to properly adjust and regulate my seasonal moods before we really start gaining steam in the colder months when there’s nothing else to wake up for.

WORST

It physically pains me to put Connie with the Good Hair on the worst dressed list but this gown is TERRIBLE.

This pattern is way too busy. It definitely looked better on TV than it does up close in a still photo, but literally looking at it right now is giving me a headache. If I may, the compliment bread to this insult is her leg looks amazing and her dark pedi is ALMOST making me want to go back to the days when I Lincoln Park After Dark’ed my fingers and toes the second the calendar changed to September.

A literal knight in full armor would take one look at this getup and be like wtf are you wearing? Why would you give an optical illusion that you have BOTH linebacker shoulders and a FUPA the size of the Liberty Bell?

Ma’am. Someone ripped a curtain off of the rod and fastened it around your neck. You cannot convince me otherwise.

It’s giving creepy doll that came to life. What was that horror movie last year? Megan? That was Brie’s inspiration for this look. I understand dressing like a 5 year old is making a comeback with bow culture, but pairing a bow with a cupcake tiered tulle is a scooch TOO toddlers & tiaras.

REEBZ. HOLY MULLET. Imagine not realizing your updo gives you biz in the front, party in the back on accident? Yoikes. Also this reflectively busy emerald pantsuit is A CHOICE. A single mom who works too hard, who loves her kids and never stops deserves better.

Bad color, bad Edward Scissorhands hack job at the bottom of the gown, and I’m sorry to h8 my own kind, but what’s the happs with these curls? Alright that felt like a step too far. I take it back. Mostly because I don’t want bad curl karma. I’ve had curly hair for 33 years and I still don’t know how to properly style it. So instead I’ll say, what’s your routine, Juno? Those curls are CURLIN.

STOP GIVING YOURSELVES POINTY SHOULDERS OR I’LL COME OUT THERE AND POKE YOU REPEATEDLY UNTIL YOU STOP.

I feel like I would’ve liked this gown better without the flowers. But also, logistically speaking, how does one walk in this cocoon? Her foot is FIGHTING FOR ITS LIFE to pop out and show off those shoes.

Maybe if she wasn’t busy playing rugby while she was in Paris last month she would’ve known that the fashion capital of the world would DRAG HER for wearing PEPLUM on a red carpet. KILL IT WITH FIRE.

What’s with the boog sash, Leese?

I’m so confused by this “dress” but I know drapes when I see them. We as a society need to stop encouraging curtains as formalwear.

I don’t know if I just haven’t seen Kathy Bates since she guest-starred on The Office 10 years ago or what, but she lost a shit-ton of weight. Good for her! Here’s my bone to pick. That hairstyle ages her at least 1600 years. The pulled back bouffant is exclusively for ancient women in the 1400’s and if she wore her hair in literally any other way, she would’ve looked like a stone-cold stunna.

This obviously isn’t the VMA’s where people dress for shock value, so you’ll notice that instead of being disgusted and putting someone on the worst dressed list to publicly shame them, I have a lot of far less dramatic: “not quite hitting for me” commentary. And that’s exactly what this is. She doesn’t look bad by any means, but I’ve seen her crush it with much bolder outfits so this is real snoozy.

Well now we’re quickly back to publicly shaming because this shirt should be a costume for a flamenco dancer and nothing else. Also, some of the hardest flares I’ve ever seen. Nearly JNCO’s. Clean it up.

I cannot get past this chunky pendant. The dress is whatever but what the hell is going on with that sorcerer’s stone hanging round her gullet? Does it hold evil powers?

What an odd style for a black-tie event. Very fall, but also what your aunt might wear to brunch. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen someone wear a boot to an awards show, other than country awards of course.

We get it, you lift.

A buttoned peplum IS STILL A PEPLUM.

Could honestly flip flop either way on this but the more that I dwell on the top of this dress, the more I feel like it looks like a piece of macaroni.

It’s like the one man show that sings the male and female parts by turning sides.

This is very casino-esque and more in an Atlantic City way rather than Vegas way, if you catch my drift. It’s just so loud and bright and I feel like there could’ve been better options to make her stand out but not look tacky. That being said, glad she got her first W amongst Hollywood elite nominees. Suck it, Meryl.

I don’t know that the Emmys are the event for a Jessica Rabbit va-va-voom gown. Came in a little hot with this one.

Never like to put a host on the worst dressed list but I’ve done far more cutthroat things in red carpets past. This shirt evokes so many feelings and none of them are positive. The halfsie turtleneck is so perplexing. Why not do a full wrap-around collar. It’s like vampire if the vampire is only shy about showing half of his face. It’s like if you stuck your napkin in your top button but a strong gust blew it up. It’s like you put a hoodie on sideways. It’s like RAAAAIIII-AYE-ANEEEEEEEE on your wedding day. Just kidding. But seriously what was the point of that Shakespearean neck decor.

Top half is politician and bottom half is hideous. Let’s just fasten it all together with a white bow why don’t we! Also, white pointy pumps?! Are those coming back too? What a joy to watch some of the worst trends of each generation coming out to play this year.

BEST

We’ll allow it because Alan is actually Scottish and therefore can wear traditional outfits from his country and be seen as cool and cultured rather than trying to make Christmas happen 3 months early.

Love the black widow to the baby blue.

BARBARA JEAN MAKING A COMEBACK WITH BIG HAIR AND A CAPE! GET IT GURL.

This photo made me cream my jeans. The tinted shades, the chesties, the cocky pose. Nailed it.

Elegant with a little peekaboo pizazz!

Whether in undies on a billboard or a classic black tux, that smolder will melt panties.

Oh ok, Meryl with your cotton candy suit. Go off.

Feathers are so F-U cocky, I love it. Especially in this soft pink. Also omg am I seeing double?! BITCH STOLE MY LOOK ON A RED CARPET?!

REESE!!! Always in a plain primary color dress with the same straight hair, I’m living for this breath of fresh air for her. Love the embroidered florals and top knot!

Hot damn, Diane! It’s like the first time I straightened my hair in 6th grade and looked like a brand new person. Or I guess, a slightly less frizzy version head accented by watermelon-colored braces. I feel like Diane is often an updo girlie and this hair is sleek as hell. Really sets the tone for this whole chic ‘fit.

I realize I moments ago said the Emmys aren’t for a Jessica Rabbit va-va-voom and this is EXACTLY that. But respect your elders. Sofia Vergara built a career on wearing this type of dress and dropping jaws and then opening her mouth and sounding like a fork in a garbage disposal and covering ears. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

This dress truly looks like metallic liquid on her bodice and all the respect for knowing exactly how to pose it to create this delish optical illusion.

Didn’t get a whole lot of big ole ball gowns last night so I extra appreciate this moment. Great color on her and of course, spicy leg pop.

Many ladies went for the sparkle and I ate that shit right up. This dress is the perfect style for her and I love the rose detail, a nod to Moira Rose perhaps?

I die for monochrome coordinates and the cape, dress, and purse all being the exact same color is doing things for me. Beautiful!

This pose makes me want to get wrapped in a big ole bear hug by Billy. At first I thought he was wearing a cardigan and honestly I liked that better than a jacket. Billy can wear pretty much anything and look huggable.

I would die for this gown. STUNNING.

Probably would’ve gone less Christmas clown with the lip if it were me, but the dress is simple elegance.

A rich PLUM. YUM.

Perfect blue tie! Eugene looking dapper for 1/2 of the hosting gig.

A timeless look for her first nom.

I tried to make all of my friends feel bad for me today as I pointed out the sliver of white skin that was showing because I was wearing higher cut bikini bottoms and I wanted everyone to feel my pain that in just a few short months my entire body will be that color once again as winter suffocates me and ruins my life and my beautiful sun-kissed skin. And then I saw this photo. My winter skin could be considered the ebony to Dakota Fanning’s ivory. Holy shit that’s a pasty complexion. Near translucent. I’ll stop crying about losing my tan now. (Jk I NEVER WILL.) Even though this milky dress is the same exact color as her bod, it is lovely. The pearl overlay is chef’s kiss. I bet it would look BOMB with my tan…which will be gone by Thanksgiving.

Cannot take my eyes off this shiny material that looks like wet latex. Supes flattering and so fun that I’m willing to overlook the cat ears chesticles.

Living for a blue suit and the floral shirt completes the look.

Not a big fan of the halter neck, which seemed to be a celeb favorite at this show, but I got a lady boner for the ombre sparkly finish.

I dig this more subtle shimmer and obviously fits her like a glove. I’m jelly. I’m constantly trying to wear a fitted dress and then turning sideways in the mirror and remembering that if I wear clothing that clings to my bodice then everyone will see how long it’s been since I’ve last pooped. Typically 3-5 business days. MUST BE NICE TO HAVE REGULAR BOWELS, PADMA.

FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT

Sure this is basically sheet metal and normally I’d make some joke about wrapping thyself in aluminum foil, but I’m captivated by this dress. The thatching pattern and the way the hem is cut differently, plus the sparkly accents, all of it is working to catch my attention. Total curveball because I’m nothing if not predictable with what I like and what I mercilessly mock on red carpets. I think Kristen looks amazing, the lack of accessories or dramatic makeup perfectly complements this wild dress. So there ya go, kicking things off with an unexpected fangirl moment for tin. All hail the tinwoman.

Red Carpet

VMA’s Red Carpet 2024

Yeah, I know how old I am. So old that I appreciated them putting Eminem as the opener so that if I chose to go to bed or felt horrified and ancient by the hoochies that followed, I could rest easy knowing I saw the only act I’d know. (Although, Fat Joe comin at 8:50 PM…did not have that on my VMA lottery. LEANBACK!) But guess what, being old makes for great comedy when judging these ‘fits. It’s like if you were to scroll through red carpet photos with your grandma. I gasped on more than one occasion.

PS People.com had 130 photos from this red carpet. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? About 70% of those photos were nobodies. I know because I scrolled all the way to the bottom in awe of the fact that just about anyone can strut an MTV carpet these days. Let’s relax on that shit. Stop trying to keep the Real Housewives of New Jersey relevant by inviting them. Here’s a v. small sampling of who was important and/or any outfit that got a visceral reaction from me. I’m not even sorting best or worst dressed because it’s like viewing a circus and you’ll know what I think about each outfit immediately anyway.

I love a c*nty hood moment. (Did I us the c-word correctly? Gays? LMK.) The fact that the hood is also somehow gloves may break my brain and I really respect the classy nude monochrome. No clue who this is, but she looks amaze.

I will never get over the fact that this is Tom Hanks’ son. What a goon. Ready to hit the ice and serve a mean knucklepuck OR go full blown motocrossed. Whatever he wants because he’s the son of Hollywood royalty.

Fat Joe ain’t fat no mo! Seems like it’s time for a rebrand. Ozempic Joe?

Snooki knows exactly where she came from and what made her a reality TV sensation and God Bless for her continuing to deliver even though she’s a full-grown adult and mom of three. Still crushing leopard print, a chunky heel, and big hair. RESPECT SNICKERS. RESPECT.

Oh are lollipops accessories now? The dress is Forever 21 and the lolli is Charms Blow Pop, strawberry flavor. Thx.

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you can never make a trench coat high fashion chic, it’s always going to give school shooter vibes.

Not a good enough reason to show your nip nops, Benson. Also, leave it to the guy who’s making waves for soulful power ballads that get me in my feels to dress like a real pervert ice dancer. I won’t be able to unsee this the next time I’m scream-singing Beautiful Things in my car.

This was a gasp. Not only is it hideous, but I don’t need a full-frontal view of your belly snake. Ya that’s right. I said it. I get it. You’re trying to dress like a moonman to manifest taking one home. (Assuming you’re nominated…no clue who you are.) There are FOR SURE cuter astronaut-esque lewks out there. And while we’re on the topic, because why not, these barrel pants that are becoming a thing deserved to be burned in hell. A pant that makes you look like you have elephantiasis of the leg?! JAIL. TY for coming to my Ted Talk.

Thanks for showing up in your jammies to shout WE THE BEST, DJ Khaled. Don’t eva change.

BIRD LADY. This is terrifying. No THX.

Honestly what the hell am I looking at here? Sweatband silk chic? Why is the top just drooping in front of her crotch like they forgot to cut it? Ugh. As THAT girl of the Olympics this year, I had higher expectations for her to pop off on this carpet and this is atrocious.

Enjoy your five mins, Shaboozester! You earned it with one of the catchiest hits of the summer. Cuffed jeans and camel toe boots aren’t really helping your case tho…

We get it girl, you’re hot and tan. I spent my summer at the beach securing a lifelong payment of tolls at the dermatologist’s office but you don’t see me rolling up to Jenks in my undies to show off my hard work. Judging by the high cut of these ‘roos, I imagine the reverse view is fully cheeked up. K E W L.

This is so thirsty for VS Angels that I’m embarrassed for her. Not only is she desp for pair of wings, but also this isn’t even flattering. Cone boobs, granny panties and a peep-toe heel? Barf all over me.

I love a leop print but FIRE ENGINE RED?! It’s a no from me, dawg.

This is the EXACT moonman ‘fit I was looking for earlier. See?! There is a way to get inspired by a moonman but not look like a bag of crap. It’s majestic and super flattering.

NO! GOD PLEASE! NO! NOOOOOOOO! Do NOT bring back to the sopping wet red carpet look that the Kardashians BEAT TO DEATH in 2016. DON’T DOOO ITTTTTTT.

Watch out for my medallion, my diamonds are reckless, feels like a MIDGET is hanging from my necklace! But seriously what is that goblin hanging off her neck? And more importantly, how many times did her right tit flop out?

Cyndi still killin it in her seventies. SEV-EN-TIES.

I’m not really a witchy girl, as you might’ve been able to tell from the fact that I cry when summer’s over and shove neon colors and heart-shaped sunglasses down your grillpiece, but I can appreciate that she’s pulling this off. It’s almost fall (for those who choose to recognize that season) and this spooky Morticia-lite is werking.

Sure, wear a full helmet but DON’T YOU DARE COVER UP THOSE ABS, bruh. Head to toe leather but the belly button MUST be on display.

Really only included this because I’m SHOCKED these two are still together. Never would’ve guessed a relashe that started with cheating (for both parties) and a newborn baby left behind would last this long. I guess the couple that wears matching black suits stays together.

Chica Karol G dressed like a literal hot cheeto.

Jack went for the 1994 dad specialty. Ill-fitted rust colored button down and black slacks. The woven belt really sent me. And then his wife took notes from Suki Waterhouse and also dressed like a crow. She looks great, he looks like he’s stressed from a day full of selling printer toner and yelled at the kids to turn off Fresh Prince and go do their homework.

Wearing a tie as a necklace with no shirt. Only Lenny. No notes.

Shawn looks hawt. And he knows it too. Probably felt he needed to show up stuntin his A game as not one but *two* scorned exes who he happened to mack on at the same time this year would be present and performing. And true to the drama, they’ve all got songs about each other.

Bout to make some enemies but I’m already over Chappell Roan and she’s been famous for like 30 seconds. Bitch came out of nowhere. All of a sudden two weeks ago I’m reading about Chappell Roan hating being famous and I literally said to myself WHO? If you’re making a big stink about being famous and you’ve been here for a hot minute, see yourself out. Or in your own words, GOOD LUCK, BABE! She loves wearing eccentric outfits like this renaissance faire specialty and between her super annoying songs, the costume gimmick, and her rage for getting attention whilst seeking attention…I’m all set. My hate grew three sizes when she went to accept New Artist wearing knight metals that were jangling and clearly uncomfortable and getting in her eyes as she tried to speak. Sure, you want to make a statement with your ‘fit but AT WHAT COST?!

She looks fabulous. Marilyn Monroe glam for a chick who sings about what her cooch tastes like. Flawless.

No.

Kneejerk reaction is that the bottom looks like a scarecrow. Now that I’ve typed that out I feel like it makes no sense. But I’m gonna double down. It’s the tie part. MEGAN THEE SCARECROW. Boom. Roasted.

Saved the best for last. JK I didn’t have any control on how these photos uploaded. I hated this, obviously. I took one look at her trying to be punk rock edgy in plaid and was like omg go home, nerd. Then honestly I saw what hot garbage everyone else was wearing and it grew on me. If we take out those ridiculous leather fingerless gloves that go up to her armpits, it looks good. And obviously, tune into the Swifties to see what this outfit and her mid-show change means because of course it is FULL OF EASTER EGGS.

Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2024

MET MONDAAAAAAYYYYY, BABY! I don’t think I could ever top getting day drunk last year and blowing Hollywood to smithereens with my boozy hot takes. HOW-ev-ER, as always I’d like to puff up my credentials and nothing makes me more qualified to show up for this red carpet like I’m Anna Wintour than the compliment I received while rolling into Marshalls with a bag full of returns after I went too hard in the paint during Member Mornings* this weekend. *Member Mornings are exclusive VIP events for TJX cardholders like myself. As I breezed in, two Gen Z girlypops in baggy cargo pants and crop tops were exiting and one of them turned to me and casually remarked “I like your outfit.” And time stopped. I felt like I was soaring on the back of a bald eagle and then that bald eagle fell out of the sky as realization hit me that she was probably bullying me and the two of them in their claw clipped hair with their midriffs exposed for sure waited until I was out of earshot to cackle about me dressing like an Olsen Twin a mere week away from turning 33. The outfit in question:

Even Charlee is unimpressed. But guess what, motherfuckers? Those overalls were $20 at Marshall’s AND I was a chosen one for a $10 giftie at my v exclusive event so they were really $10 and I’m WEARING THE SHIT OUT OF THEM. Eat your heart out, twenty-somethings, cause I’m gonna dress like I’m on All That until I’m six feet under and there’s nothing you or Dan Schneider can do about it.

So now that you’ve seen my couture, let’s get to it…this year’s theme was “The Garden of Time.” And might I say thank you for choosing a theme that I don’t have to google the meaning of cause bitch, I KNOW MY FLOWERS! So let’s get to steppin on judging Fashion’s biggest event.

It’s giving I’m the eldest boy energy but also angelic and I’m here for it.

KEWL NUDE PANTALOONS! Sexxxxyyyy. (And you KNOW that’s bullying because I wear full cotton briefs on the daily double and they’re still more flattering than this undercarriage disaster.)

I mean let’s call a spade a spade, nothing about this is on theme but damn I love a dreamy grey suit. V dapper.

What the actual fuck is happening here. It seems we’re carrying over last year’s theme of princess of darkness. And why are we getting underwear jammed down our throats again? Clean it up, Dua.

I’ll always have a weak spot for an aqua moment. She’s preggers and it’s a fairytale gown.

GLAM ALICE IN WONDERLAND. I would die for this giant clock briefcase. So smooth it hurts.

THIS SUCKS, GRETA. I’m gonna shit all over every dark cloak moment tonight because GARDEN is PASTELS AND FLORALS. None of this witchy shit.

This one doesn’t count and that’s obvious because LOOK AT THESE SPARKLY MIRROR FLOWERS. I could stare at these bedazzles foreva.

Well this is classy as hell. Business florals! The cherry on top of this elegant formalwear would OF COURSE be the Elizabeth James top hat veil.

I get that this belt costs more than my entire closet especially because I was raised a Maxxinista and I’ve never paid more than $24.99 for an item of clothing but my lord that is tacky as hell. And RIDING BOOTS?!

I would’ve rode harder for this if it was head to toe flowers but I’m not going to shade it because it’s not. I’m all in on the embroidered suit and dark frames.

This is actual trash and I’ve stared at it for WAY too long trying to decipher what these black shapes are supposed to be. I feel like I’m in an art museum being forced to describe a painting. So whether they’re supposed to be shaped as something or it’s abstract, it is hideous.

I always respect the hustle when someone goes there, but I’m confused about how Garden evoked Disney villain here. Seems like the antithesis to the theme and also if that’s your real hair PLEASE give us a peek at the before bed routine when you’ve turned your head into an actual birds nest. Would tune into that Instagram story like it’s appointment television. What can I say, I like to watch the world burn.

A leather poop suit and the streamers you hang as a backdrop for the poor man’s photobooth are not only off theme but also disgusting to look at. Go in time out. Both of you.

Adding a couple glitter flowers to this doesn’t make it better. Sick Lydia bangs though. Naht.

I’m praying this is the only ‘oopsie, I’m naked’ look of the night because I want to take this trend and shove it up the next girl’s cooch who does it. SINCE WHEN DID BEING FULLY NUDE BECOME FASHION? I’m so sick of seeing everyone’s slops yabs and pikachus. You could have the most beautiful body on this earth and I don’t care to see it fully on display like you’re a G-D French sculpture. This is America. And in America, we cover our bits when we’re in mixed company. Kindly get your buttcrack out of my face. I don’t want to have to ask again.

I’m very into the floral extravaganza happening on her shoulders, mostly because the color reminds me of hydrangeas which happen to be my fave. I’m very much not into the rest of this dress because it’s Colonial and frumpy as all hell.

What a prince charming cutie! To be clear, not really on theme but his periwinkle vest dazzled me.

This is Puss in Boots carrying a bouquet of black flowers. It’s so stupid that I think I love it. And let me remind you, the Met Gala is the ONLY time where I commend ridiculousness because it’s such a dumb concept to begin with to have Queen Anna Wintour invite only certain celebrities and tell them to dress for a theme while she wears the same tired outfit every year, takes zero fashion risks and makes these puppets dance.

See what I mean?

Oh Kylie, you could’ve just hit the boardwalk and gotten that with a side of salt water taffy! I’ll pick one up for you when I’m in AC next weekend.

THIS IS EXACTLY RIGHT. Jess understood the assignment and looks like a woodland fairy princess.

Why don’t you spit directly in Anna Wintour’s face next time, Penelope! Was the theme old Hollywood glam? No it sure as shit was not. Penelope is the chick who claims she didn’t know it was a costume party. Or even worse, the one who shows up to girls wine night in full glam while everyone else is in their pjs with their hair on top of their head. Does she look phenomenal? Absolutely. Do we hate her for it? Absolutely.

This is Home Ec dress gone horribly wrong. Just pasting bows and mesh all willy nilly.

Hope you don’t have to poop, buddy! Those talons could do some real damage if they sliced through the TP whilst wiping. Yes, that’s the only takeaway I have from this outfit.

This is such a snoozeroni. Were we going for birds or butterflies to glue to our eyes? Meh. Do better.

Another “yea I’ll just wear what I always wear, thx” and Shakira can take her red flamenco dress and salsa right out of my face.

Again, AQUA! But this is boring AF. Wear that shit to the Oscars, not the Met.

Chris Hemsworth was on the board or one of the hosts or whatever other fake titles they give each year to the elite and for someone who was in the top tier, this ain’t it. I expect the party planning committee to come strong. I expect them to dress as a literal garden. Wearing a tan suit and showing off the chesties isn’t cutting it. I do love wifey’s flower crown though. I feel like that was an easy accessory to rock and no one capitalized on it. JUSTICE FOR MORE FLOWER CROWNS.

I LOOOOOOVE this. It’s a champagne dream and I, too would like to live under a roof of bow.

I have absolutely no clue what Chase was going for here, total miss. Was it supposed to be a contrast of like Criss Angel meets Tinkerbell? Weird way to air out your roleplay and honestly the 14 layers of cross necklaces over his bare chest gives me the heebie jeebies BUT KELSEA. WHAT A HIT. I’m obsessed with this and I wish she hip checked her greasy Crucifictorious front man out of the frame and let those flowers shine.

Meg Ryan looks snatched as hell and that’s the only reason I’ll let the black gown slide.

MA’AM. YOU ARE LITERALLY A MUMMY. DID YOU GET THE SAME INVITE AS EVERYONE ELSE?!

Respectfully, no. One time my sister’s friend convinced her that one of the American Girl dolls blinked at her unprompted and if I had to picture a nightmare scenario where a doll comes to life, it is Michelle.

Ope, alright let’s keep the terrifying rolling. Lookin like she was dragged out from the bottom of the lake to haunt us all.

hold for applause. She came as an ACTUAL TREE. Iconic.

I hate these shaped gowns, they make absolutely no sense to me. Why does your dress need a cage over it that gives you pointy hips.

A moment of silence for this yellow rose train paired with a deep red lip. Stunning .

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Under ANY other circumstance I might actually give it up to Nicole for this one, but for this theme, no way, Jose. Unless she’s going for bird and birds are found in gardens…LOOPHOLE, I’m back in. I was politely surprised by my fierce love for surprise feathers here.

We’ve seen JLo do this a million times. I’m not blown away.

Get right out of my grillpiece you cyborg lookin mf’er.

I’m a reformed Demi stan and typically everything she does lately makes me roll my eyes out of my skull but credit where credit is due, this is a good look for her.

The giant bow butt and the tin foil wrap are a given at every damn red carpet and yet I still get irrationally angry when I see one. THIS LOOKS DUMB. I can HEAR this photo and that’s NOT a compliment.

Obsessed. So whimsical.

ANOTHER set of Beetlejuice bangs?! why. Not in love with this color or the pointy shoulder or the weird greasy bangz.

Suh punk rock, dude. Gawd, the guys really blew this one. NOT THE TIME OR PLACE FOR TOUGH GUY ANTICS.

She be FLOWERING, yo. Props for the extra junk in that trunk and pls stay 6 ft away backdrop. Wish I could wear that at ShopRite on a Sunday to keep the New Jerseyans with absolutely no regard for personal space at bay.

This is dangerously close to wearing a tinfoil hat. I appreciate the commitment to the bit but it’s not werking for me.

This almost feels like Carrie Bradshaw attends the Royal Wedding and I wholeheartedly approve. Mary Poppins meets the Queen.

Get the Kardashians uninvited from the Met or we riot.

“Lube me up and twirl me in Saran Wrap” – What Elle said to her stylist, I presume.

If Pigeon Lady from Home Alone 2 lived in Paris instead of Central Park, this is what I imagine she’d look like. Chic Parisian bird lady. Either version, Kevin would still be terrified of her at first but then they would become bonded for life by a couple of Turtle Dove ornaments courtesy of Mr. Duncan.

OH two looks, Zendaya! Who do you think you are? Ri Ri?! (She had the flu so I guess Zendaya decided to pick up the slack.) As much as this flower bonnet makes me cackle because it’s for sure giving her a killer headache, I’m much more into the Parisian bird lady look. Enough with the black cloaks.

WHY BLACK?! I love this dress. I think it’s beautiful and accents her big ole knockers that everyone has their knickers in a twist about perfectly. But we RUINED it with the black wig and gloves.

Sweet spaghetti coat, babes.

Cardi is living for this moment and it’s such a giant miss that it’s laughable. Like I’m gonna show up with a 50 ft wide black gown and bright green nails to match my Rose from Titanic necklace. Bye, bish.

Was the theme Under the Sea? GET LAWWWWSSSSSTTTTTT.

Oh good, at least 1 out of 3 followed the rules. Out of all of her atrocious looks through the years, I can honestly say this one is pretty decent. Props for finally getting it right. Or more importantly, props to me for being the bigger person and putting my raging hatefire aside to fairly judge this look. That being said, uninvite this family. We’ve had enough.

Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2024

WE HAVE MADE IT! Spring is just around the corner and nothing marks that like Hollywood’s BIGGEST night. I started out this awards season by flexing all of my streetwear to show you, my loyal red carpet snarksters, that I am of course the MOST qualified to spend several months out of the year boom roasting fashion choices by people who pay top dollar for the finest of clothes styled by the professionals. I can style the SHIT out of loungewear on a day to day basis and I recently had a shower thought that my style as a grown woman never graduated from what Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were wearing in the mid to late nineties. It was a pivotal time in discovering my fashion identity and to be honest, one that I never wish to grow out of. I love the shit out of overalls, a coordinated set, and spending way too much time matching my nails, accessories, socks and sometimes even underwear to a color scheme that I’m rockin.

That being said, this was also the year that I decided I’d become a PJ pants in public kind of person. Not like running errands, I’m not a total heathen, but I have become a little *too* comfy with taking my dog for a full-fledged walk around the surrounding neighborhoods in my jammies. To cut myself a little slack if I may, I went from being able to walk 10 steps to a dog park to exercise my dog to having to walk her several times a day. I know, real sob story from the girl who moved to the beach. BOOHOO. But the DGAF factor is high when you’ve gotta stroll with your dog that many times a day, especially when it’s dark in the winter. Flannel PJs are basically required uniform for that. Where I start to toe the line is when it’s 11am on a Sunday and my fellow ritzy beach area residents are probably on their way back from Church with the fam and are subjected to me shuffling around the ‘hood in Uggs and Christmas plaid fleece jamz. Which is the exact picture I painted this morning. And you know what? Dooooooon’t Caaaaare. There were like 40 mph winds and the only way to get me out in that is in my coziest and warmest sleepwear. Plus, the magic of Christmas extends as long as the weather sucks. Everyone knows that. So without further ado (was that the longest definitely unnecessary self-deprecating rant you’ve read in a while?!) here’s the big Kahuna for red carpets from the kinda schmuck who has given up on actually dressing herself to leave the house…seriously spring can’t get here fast enough.

WORST

I get real turnt for a seafoam but this is too weird. Loose forearm sleeves…why? The choker sheer scarf brings me right back to the early aughts when the skinny scarf added to every outfit was a choice. Not a good one but ah those were the times. And may I also pose a question because I’ve seen this hairstyle a few times now? Is using gel to shellac a few wispy strands to the forehead a trend? Is this perhaps the new loose face framing strands with an updo? If so, respectfully no.

Ooohh this is more an MTV VMA’s look booboo. Lil party girl hoochie mama. Spoiler alert: her performance outfit was even hoochie coochier. Ah, to be in your twenties again.

What fresh hell is this? I’d compare them to pajamas but you’ve seen what duds I’m rockin to sleep in. Wouldn’t be caught dead in a silk tux. In fact, I just was introduced to silk pillow cases (s/o my sis for the gift) and my first trial run with them last night was REAL slippery. My head almost slid right off the bed on more than one occasion. Imagine wearing head to toe silk too? Hey Dwane, do a slide, let’s see how slick that sucker is!

This style feels outdated to me. Plus, kinda seems dangerous? Like why is her neck hooked up to her right tit? Looks like she’s trying to hang herself by her areola.

It’s giving airport lounge singer.

HOLY HAIR. My ‘lanta this is bad. First and foremost, I’ve always hated pink and red together. They clash as much as black and brown do (personal pref.) Second and probably more important, ew times a thousand to that Dynasty hairstyle.

This dress is a dinosaur personified. You can’t see it in this photo but the back is straight ridges and a tail. (Before I get internet yelled at, yes I’m aware she’s going for Wicked Witch for movie promo purposes. Still stinks.)

If you’ve ever wondered what it looks like to get eaten alive by an unruly pair of wide-legged pants, welp, here’s a real clear visual.

Two words: BUCKLE STRAPS.

She looks like she just got done smoking a long cig, listening to Fleetwood Mac on vinyl and just stumbled into the Oscars and no I cannot further elaborate on that very niche character I’ve just created from one cursory glance at this photo.

Honestly this is horrifying. I’m so overstimulated by this purple poppy sparkle ‘sploshe.

MARGOT👏 IS👏 DEAD👏 TO👏 ME. Great statement you’re making here. You’ve worn pink incessantly for the better part of a year and you’re done. This is the funeral of Barbie as we know it. Well GUESS WHAT BABE, I’ve been waiting for you to literally shit pink on the red carpet for the Oscars after a SUUUUUPER lackluster showing during awards season and you midas whale just hawk a lugey directly in my face with this outfit. And not for nothing but is that bedhead? What a giant F-U to anyone who wishes she has Barbie’s ENTIRE wardrobe at her fingertips (ME). I could’ve worn this shitty dress. In fact, I did to a wedding in 2018. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I’m less enraged about JLC wearing black because she didn’t singlehandedly make hot pink the *moment*, but this is still suuuuuch a snoozer.

Kind of a ricochet shot here from Margot but HOW DO YOU NOT WEAR A PINK SUIT?! I wanted SO MUCH from these two and I’ve never been more underwhelmed in my life when the possibilities were literally endless. Ya, I peeped those pink socks. Doesn’t count unless he’s gonna grow a set and pull them up over his pants.

I don’t know what’s happening up top here other than a rogue bedazzler but I’m all set.

This is a lot. I think removing the full blown pom-pom sleeves and the cape would make this more digestible.

UGH I hate the horned strapless top. Why so horny?

Oh fuck right off with this look, excuse my French. What is she, carrying an entire bunk’s worth of sleeping bags? How stupid. She’s mummified head to toe and then just dragging around bundles of laundry. For what? FOR WHAT, ARIANA?! To irritate your seatmate and look like an a*hole? Mission accomplished. (Before I get internet yelled at, yes I’m aware she’s going for Glenda the Good Witch for movie promo purposes. Still stinks.)

IT’S THE PEPLUM, BB.

Another iteration of the skinny dangling scarf and a reminder that less is more, people! The dress is good without a strand flying loose in the breeze.

Continuing my awards-season-long vendetta against top heavy ladies doing strapless and putting all the trust in the world into a very small/flimsy amount of fabric to keep everything in check.

Kinda trampy maid vibe, srynotsry.

BEST

A moment of silence for 90’s teen heartthrob Josh Hartnett coming back into the fold and being hot cool sunglasses guy with a glam wife upon his return.

It’s Andie Anderson yellow and I’ll always have a soft spot for that. Even though she’s not wearing the Isadora diamond, I’m very into this sapphire icing to contrast the golden tones of the dress.

MMM I love this color.

Pretty much every man disappointed me with a boring black tux so this is where we start getting really despy. I’m not a huge fan of poop suits but gotta give credit, Matthew spiced it up and matched his shades. Camila’s bejeweled boobs were doing it for me too.

Frannie got a BOD-AY. Great figure for a slinky gown like this, loving the little briefcase purse and the braid.

A coordinated coups!!! A rare sighting and it makes me swoon to see a man support his woman in fash. They both look amahzing and we don’t need to wonder where Emily’s lady bits are because we’ve got a treasure map pointing right to them! Also, a little jarring to see a dress that looks like it’s being held up above her shoulders by imaginary hands but once you get past that trickery, it’s hard to deny she looks STUNNING.

Whatta babe this dress fits her like a glove.

Again, not to beat a dead horse but that’s what I do BEST, would’ve loved a little nod to weird Barbie, but she does look lovely and classic.

Wish we got a TEENSIE bit more leg here, maybe a cut just past the knee skirt but, Billie! You did it, homegirl! She’s crushing this look!

So simple and yet it’s perfect!

Now this is what I’m talking about! FULLY redeemed himself from the red carpet flop with this Ken-licious look. Pink sparkles, shades, pink gloves, ALL ON POINT. Not to mention that this performance was above and beyond what I wanted. RyGos is Ken and Ken is RyGos.

SPARKLE FISH!

Very tasteful feather sitch.

I’m a big believer that polka dots should be taken out back with a shotgun but surprising us all, I LOVE this! It’s retro chic and I’m equal parts admiring and jelly of this island glow she’s sporting on top of the polkas.

I just want to tuck myself into Carey’s pocket (or poof) and go everywhere she goes. It’s no secret to anyone who has been a loyal follower of my red carpets that I REGULARLY slobber all over her. It’s like she never misses. Sure, this gown probably falls into the mermaid bottom category, but also it doesn’t because the way it’s cut with the scalloping black is on another level. High Fash for dayz. And take it from a gal who has roughly 8 sets of Christmas PJ’s to rotate…I KNOW high fashion.

An ice Queen in all the best ways.

GET IT, GIRL! Put your party ruffles on!

Respect for the toppiest of top buns and a slammin leg moment.

We haven’t seen this babe in a minute! She’s looking toight and I’m here for the shiny champagne gown.

A DEBUT BUMP! I’m always shocked by celebs who can sneak under the radar with a pregnancy. Gurl is REAL pregnant and just was like WHAM guess who’s with child on the red carpet. Love a buzzworthy moment and she’s werkin it Beyonce Single Ladies style.

Peps double standard. I’m not a h8er of this peplum because it’s like pepLite. It’s not a hard pep. Say pep again. Though let’s be real, the glitz is really what caught my eye.

I can get down with this cape.

MIAMI VICE. Love the contrast of the black sparkle palm trees against the pink shine.

Thank you for your service, sir.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

“Oh damn, America!” were the exact words I texted my mother. I’m so all in for the pink on her. I may have dumped all over every other Barbie but America was consistently killing it this awards season and was leaning more into the dark classic gowns, so for her to flip the switch to pink for the finale, HELL YEA! The cut of this dress is so flattering and it’s very fun and Disco Barbie-esque.

The Salty Ju

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Tag Archives: Fashion Police

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