I’m never ready for this moment. The last major awards show of the season and a return to the Sunday scaries every single week. What a harsh dose of reality. Anyway, we had a WHOLE lotta white gowns this year, which is ironic considering the biggest critique of the Oscars is that they’re racist as hell and only nominate whites. Seems like the opposite of the point outrage culture and the rest of Hollywood would be trying to make but who am I to judge. HAHA I can never type that sentence with a straight face. I judge the hardest. So did Hollywood when the Oscars gave Eminem his moment to shine 18 years after winning his Oscar for Lose Yourself and skipping the ceremony because he didn’t think he would win. Em brought the house DOWN with MOM’S SPAGHETTI and Hollywood is just too cool to appreciate it. WUT3v3R. It was the highlight of the world’s longest and most boring awards show ever and I’m not afraid to say it. Check out my Twitter if you want to see my unfiltered minute by minute commentary since I had no one to blab my thoughts out loud to after my mom fell asleep within the first 20 minutes and then woke up and declared the show was boring. To be fair, she wasn’t wrong, but she WAS unconscious for most of it.

WORST

America got confused and thought the Oscars were actually a Grecian themed baby shower.

Find her body among this mess of fabric. I dare you.

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, no need to find her body because she’s basically wearing an open robe. Bonus points for having corpse face.

Nope. Nopey nope nope.

Are these vents on her biceps? Never know when you might need a cool breeze to hit your ‘ceps because you’re wearing velvet on the west coast and your entire body is probably sweating.

Not a fan. I don’t have anything extreme or dramatic to say (first time for everything) but I just wasn’t into the black flowers on a sparkly gown.

Y’all know my thoughts on my gurl Billie. Wouldn’t it be the ultimate bad gurl move to just show up in a kickass dress instead of jammies for once? Just a thought.

The jewels on this B look tacky as hell to me.

Laura did us dirty with the nipple tassels.

Ah, a rust colored sparkle blanket! How chic!

You know when you wash a sports bra that has pads in it and without fail, every time, you forget that the pads are in there and you have to fish them out of the washer after the cycle is over? Just me? K. The top of this dress looks like they glued those pads to a dress.

Honestly did America tell Salma the theme too? Like what’s with the ancient Greek vibes?

Every single thing that Renee has worn this szn has been 90’s trends I hate reincarnated. Sorry bout it.

BLECH this is wooftastic. A lace harness over a lace bra, with sleeves and what’s the bottom? Tulle? Feathers? How does fashion exist. Like this was literally just a bunch of scrap materials sewn together and you cannot convince me otherwise.

I LOOOOOOOVE teal. Love the hell out of it. But my hate for tiered gowns far outweighs my boner for the color teal.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOO to this belt of ruffles. Give me more lilac!

My mom compared this to a kitchen sink scrubber, I tossed out internal organ, now that I’m looking at it again I think we could also say Under the Sea for 100, Alex.

Love the top, everything falls apart on the bottom half. Just chunks of fabric.

This is a tacky prom dress. This is something I would’ve tried on at Deb when I was 14 and my mom dropped my friends and I off at the mall so that we could walk around, try things on and eat free samples at Gertrude Hawk. Ah, the simple days. Realistically nothing has changed except that I can drive myself to the mall now and do all of those things because I still can’t afford to buy anything.

In other news of sleeves that serve no purpose. I like the lip, I like the hair, I originally had her in my best dressed but if I was really being honest with myself I was tossing her a pity best dressed because she didn’t wow me this year with her looks and I was really settling with this one. I was thinking to myself, well she doesn’t look as bad here as I felt she did at the other red carpets this season but really that wasn’t enough for me. The bolo tie smack in the middle of a gown and the phantom sleeves were irritating me JUST enough that I had to put her on the worst dressed. These are the tough decisions I need to make sometimes. It’s not easy being a judgmental B who blogs for free.

I only included this picture so I could also refer everyone to my fiery tweet about the Pittster:

The E red carpet crew collectively creamed their gowns/tuxes over Brad Pitt and HONESTLY WHY.

BEST

KOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBE.

Love the color and the flattering style here.

BARBIE DREAMZ.

I’m a known h8er of one strappin it but everything else about this dress is Flawle$$ and therefore my one strap hate can simmer down.

So many Hollywood lads go classic black tux for the Oscars and it’s just so boring. Tony is wearing the shit out of this navy blue.

Tale as old as time, I put this on the worst dressed list originally and after staring at it long enough I just flipped the switch (flipped the switch switch–that joke will only hit with the youth tik-tok’ers.) and decided I DON’T HATE IT. She’s really serving that red lip and bob and it made me fall in love with the whole ‘fit.

KCav going for a real Cinderella story here. *~*Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game*~* A quote that once graced my AIM profile, also from the Hilary Duff classic, A CINDERELLA STORY.

I’m living for the coordination here. Also my aforementioned boner for all things teal.

This is FIERCE.

Holy bananas I love yellow so much. Also great style, also great jewels. Top notch look.

Geena is 64 years old and she is OWNING the red carpet in this gown. Hot damn.

Another internal conflict here, this dress is beautiful and Sandra looks amahzing and YET those are a pair of sleeves RIGHT THURR. Those are puffy sleeves that cannot be ignored even for a second. *God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change*

Rebel threw me for a loop with this old Hollywood Glam and I love it a lot.

My mom and I disagreed on this one, she didn’t like the necklace or the color of the dress and I had to promptly remind her that I wore the same color to prom and she pretended it was pretty then. Unfortunately I chose the bubble hem, which should’ve been illegal.

(You’re right Mom, it was a lighter shade of green.) Either way, I stand by the army green life.

THIS WOMAN IS A FOX AND SHE LOOKS HOT AS HELL FOREVER ON RED CARPETS. I expect nothing less from my namesake. I wonder if people constantly call her Julie in emails as well.

In a sea of neutrals on the red carpet, I’m living for this pop of color party frock.

I get that out of these two, James is the famous one, but his wife is really who I’m stanning here. That dress is perfect.

This is like a Harry Potter witchy vibe and that’s mostly because she’s basically wearing a cloak. Fun fact: the cloak is embroidered with all of the female directors that were snubbed because that was the main storyline this year. Not only do the Oscars hate blacks but also women too.

A moment of silence for LDC who wears the same damn thing every year but he can because he never ages and is a monumental babe soda. Also because I feel like Janae forcing him to sing on the spot by shoving a mic in his face during the opening sequence was a huge injustice and I’m sure he has the voice of an angel if he’s had the time to warm up his vocals.

Oh my lord if she had just rocked some mermaid waves this would’ve won look of the night because it is stunning. But alas, she went for straight outta the shower slick. Womp, wompp.

Really respect an actor wearing his basketball warmups to the Oscars with some fancy boots. What an F U to the Academy.

There’s nothing that I can logically critique here because she really played it safe. After winning a best look of the night at the Globes with a neon number for me, it’s a huge step down but in no way does she look bad. Classic Oscars feel.

BOMBSHELL.

These two never ever miss.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Even though her opening performance and very forced audience participation directly followed by her laying on the floor next to the crowd she forced to sing along gave me every uncomfy ever in the world, THIS OUTFIT IS STRAIGHT FIRE. When I was a teenager and moody and emo and dramatic, I used to wear my hood around the house 24/7 and finally my parents were like hey we hate you and your 13 year old dramatic ass is bringing the mood down in this house and making us want to disown you so they set the “no hoods in the house rule”, which basically ruined my life but CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I HAD A SPARKLY GOWN WITH A HOOD ON IT?! I WOULD NEVER TAKE THAT SHIT OFF. My parents WOULD NEVER ban a glitzy boss hood like this. The red lip is the cherry on top of an outfit that I need and would wear forever and never let my parents buzzkill.