Apparently Xtina had a little time between being being self-appointed captain of the Boys Club on The Voice and moving her hands in the air as she wails onstage because she’s back for more this week and it looks like next week too. Oh, goody. This week she has black hair, which really compliments her black face. No seriously, who applied her self tanner, is that even legal to show on TV?  She kicks it with Luke a lot and we find out that the reason for this is because she wants to make a country album and also she’d like for him to go Wheels Up all over her body. Luke says no thank you to the record deal but yes please to the wheels up. But not before Jade and Layla become BFF’s and team up against raging B Juliette.

Juliette returns from LA casj as can be and when Avery’s mom tries to hand her daughter over, Juliette does the Heisman on dat hoe and mutters some bullshit excuse about them looking comfy. She gets ready to leave again for her fundraiser where she’s hoping to make a comeback and pretend she didn’t push a baby out of her vag a mere weeks ago. At the fundraiser, Juliette goes on a rampage and starts feuding with Jade because Jade defends Layla. When the bidding starts for the live performance, Jade shells out $500K just to hear Layla sing. JK, she does it just to bitch slap Juliette with her money. Guess what? It works. Win, win for all of us is that they skip over Layla singing (because no one cares) and we just get to see a pop vs. country showdown just short of a hoedown. (That doesn’t make ANY sense but it rhymes. Nailed it.)

Notably missing from this big charade of a fundraiser is Rayna, Maddie, Deacon & Scarlett who are all in the hospital because Deacon is getting a new liver. The Rayna James Fam Squad was set to open the fundraiser singing This Time and although we saw a snippet of them rehearsing like the Partridge Family, happy as clams, they have to peace before the actual performance. (THANK GOD FOR MY EARS. THAT SONG SUCKS.) In their absence, Teddy and Luke bond over the I Hate Deacon (But Not Enough To Wish Death Upon Him) Fan Club and Teddy asks Luke if he’ll step in and duet with Daphne since she got the shaft like she always does because her sister is a melodramatic whiny teen with a big shadow. My all time favorite moment of the night (maybe this season? Bold statement) is when Daphne takes the stage with Luke and they sing Have A Little Faith In Me and she knocks it outta the park and is cute as shit. MORE DAPHNE, STAT!! I DEMAND it.

At the hospital, everything runs smooth as buttah, Deacon gets a fresh liver and then wakes up and him and Rayna write a duet about it with Maddie harmonizing as backup vocals. NAHT. Turns out Deacon is running a baby fever so they need to run tests AKA Deacon might lose the liver because we need to REAALLLYY drag this out. As Doc says “We’re going to sort this out as fast as we can.” Are ya, though, Doc? Are ya? Scarlett asks Dr. Hottie to just sweep it under the rug and snake that liver to Deacon no matter what. Hey guess what, with that, their relationship is now dead. Not that it was really going anywhere anyway. Then Doc’s all, hey everyone, it was just a sinus infection, lawls, take some Nyquil and let’s get you that liver! But then in true beating a dead horse fashion, Houston we have a problem…the liver was harvested and might have bits of cancer in it so DEACON IS STILL DYING (probably until the season finale.) Deacon, Maddie and Rayna all sob and pray to Jesus Christ their Lord and Savior that he makes it through. I think I speak for everyone when I say OH COMEEEEE ONNNNNNN.

Lots of tears this episode as Jade also gets all boo-hoo because Juliette told her she doesn’t belong in Nashville but don’t worry because Luke takes her to the Bluebird and random man onstage asks her up to sing and she’s like oh I don’t know, I’m terrified, OH OK. She sings a Luke song like the kiss-ass that she clearly is. At first she sounds like Britney in her Crossroads era getting up to do I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman (not a compliment) but with the help of her duet buddy it gets a lot better. Coincidentally Jade is wearing the same mini jean jacket that Xtina wore to the ACM’s on Sunday to perform with Rascal Flatts. Cause apparently pop star puts on a denim jacket made for a doll and BAM she’s country. Jade sashays that jean bolero back to her hotel room where the MOST AWKWARD kiss ensues between her and Luke. She confesses she used to kiss his poster from Y-14 magazine before bed every night until her sparkle lip gloss bled through the thin magazine paper and Luke is like let’s try it as humans instead and she says that’d be crazy great. CRAZY. GREAT. Girl go into hiding that’s so embarrassing you don’t even deserve to be smooched let alone boned.

Welp, that pretty much sums it up…what do we think will happen next week? Will Layla go on tour with Jade even though Jeff who acts like her dad but then tongues her FORBID her from going? Will Juliette continue to lie awake in bed plotting new ways to smother her newborn? Will Scarlett and Gunnar keep do-si-do-ing around the eventual bang sesh that will result from them dueting again? Will Daphne move in with Teddy because she doesn’t point out that she has two dads every second of her life like her obnoxious sister? Are Will and his boy toy going to keep shacking up for days in secret after Will barfed up all his feelings? MOST importantly, did I see a sneak peek of Colt giving Ms. Maddie the business? STAY TUNED.

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: When Fordham sees Juliette at the fundraiser and says, “Been a while, when you gonna have that baby.” YES, bring back sassy Jeff, get rid of sulking scorned lover Jeff.

Since I know you’ve spent all week AGONIZING about what the future little diva of Nashville was named, the wait is finally over. Her name is Cadence, and she won’t stop wailing. Get it guys, cause like cadence is also a musical term and this show is about music and the writers are all about letting the general public do their job. They probably sat around the writers’ room and were like hmm, we can’t decide on a name for this baby that everyone won’t make fun of, let’s make our fans decide so we don’t take the heat if it sucks. Well anyway, back to Cadence the screaming infant. Avery read somewhere that babies like to be shushed so he shushes the little biddy and peaces out to be with the band leaving Juliette to glare at this screeching little metaphor for a musical phrase. Girl’s, makin music, alright.

Little miss insufferable teen, Maddie used to make music but now she just makes sweet, sweet puppy love to her boyfriend Colt. After Rayna catches them playing tonsil hockey, this time not as almost-siblings, Rayna goes to Luke to talk about it and he’s like yeah I’ve been supervising their mack seshes for weeks at the ranch, NBD. They have date plans to see pop star Jade St. John in concert and Rayna’s like uh-uh, honey because Maddie’s being a real dick and tells Rayna she doesn’t respect her.

Xtina throws on a wild pink wig and suddenly becomes Jade St. John. WHAT A NAME. Cotton candy head Jade apparently used to be engaged to Jeff Fordham and I’m guessing he turned her into a pop star and she was like I’ll take it from here, see ya later alligator. Now Layla wants to open up for Jade and Jeff has to come crawling back asking for a favor, showing us a softer side of the perpetually slimy Jeffster. It seems that Frenchy broke his little plastic heart and since she feels bad about how his life is a shithole now, she throws him a bone and lets Layla open for her.

In Deacon’s weekly meltdown about the CANCER that he HAS…Juliette recruits him to write a song for the Pasty Kline movie credits that she agreed to do in a day because she obviously has nothing better to do. Deacon sucks at songwriting now because he’s probably more concerned with staying alive or something. Juliette calls him out on it so he storms out and cries about how all anyone talks about is his CANCER. Then Maddie tells him that she always goes over to the ranch because Deacon is depressing AF and finally Deacon has a baby breakthrough and apologizes to Rayna for being a whiney pants and says, “Right now I’m pretty sick of being sick.” Yeah SAMESIES, DEACON. CUT IT OUT, WILL YA? Rayna tells him to bring Maddie (who also apologized) to the concert so that she can be rewarded with front row seats at a pop concert for her snotty behavior.

Gunnar, also in a snotty mood since Scarlett’s getting some and he’s not the one giving it, coins a nickname for her boyfriend—Dr. Dork. Hey Gunnar, why don’t you leave the nicknames to me, alright? Dr. Hottie and Scarlett are still mingling even though the duet of sexual tension went viral on YouTube and it’s all anyone can talk about. The Triple X’s get interviewed and all the guy wants to know is about Scarlett/Gunnar and Avery is only known as Juliette’s baby daddy. Yiiikez. They decide to throw a party where Gunnar wears a disgusting fedora and I’m wondering how exactly he thinks he’s going to win Scarlett over looking like an old-timer park ranger. Scarlett is as dry as the Sahara desert when she sees Gunnar so this is probably going nowhere for right now, which is good because Gunnar needs to shape up and stop acting like such a wiener. They play another fire flames song, which is really par for the course for them at this point—when are they just going to release a full album so I can binge?

At Frenchy’s concert across town, Rayna finds out that Layla hired Jeffy as her manager and kicks him while he’s down, telling him that Layla will soon enough realize he’s a dirt bag and fire him. OoOh WATCH YO BACK FORDHAM. Xtina, I mean, Jade, does what she should actually be doing because her acting is real sub-par and sings Beauty School Dropout jams out a banger, owning the stage even though she’s wearing an original costume from Hocus Pocus. Backstage things get super serious when Deacon tells Luke that he is a dead man walking and Luke’s like shiiitt now I’ve gotta be nice to you. They shake hands like men and Deacon for the first time says he’s going to beat this and it’s no biggie, which was much needed news because maybe it means Debbie Downer is done making appearances in Nashville.

While everyone is out party, party, hardy, Juliette is at home with that SPAWN Cadence. She’s trying to write this song and that kid of hers is really cock blocking her creative juices. Avery stops in just to tell her he’s going out to play a show and that Juliette cannot come with. Left alone with the screamer, she definitely thinks about murdering it but instead hires a nanny so that her kid survives the night. Avery comes home and sees someone actually adoring their child who is certainly not his wife and is a little peeved she hired a nanny without his permish. Juliette ends up taking off for LA to present the song and Avery is forced to quit the Triple X’s so that his baby has at least one parent because even though Juliette makes a women empowering, feminist statement about how we have it all figured out, what she really means is that she’s figured out that she doesn’t want to be a mom…whoopsie!

In the land of the still locked tight in the closet, Will wants to ask his writing partner out, you know the one that he homophobically slammed before he met him, funny how the tables have turned. Will acts like a real pansy about asking him out and storms out when he sees him talking to someone else. In the end, they hang (inside, shades drawn) and make out a little bit, and Will is probably definitely absolutely not going to keep this a secret and then flip out and ruin things. Nope, not Will.

And Teddy…Teddy the naïve little cub who thinks that he can pay off a prostitute with dirty money and then hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s back to normal life I go, is about to have a rude awakening. His prosty demands to get half a mill in cold hard cash and Teddy’s like okey dokey, Smokey. Turns out the hooker DIDN’T have a heart of gold and has been working with the FBI to hand over Teddy in return for her immunity. Hope the sex was worth it Bach Teddy, cause it’s about to go DOWN. Now that Sadie the murderer is gone, we could use a little scandal in Nashville, and I for one cannot wait.

If you had ever previously questioned that Rayna James, hair full of secrets, isn’t the Beyonce of Nashville, then this episode is for you. For all the Rayna doubters, let’s see you make up excuses for Rayna clearing someone of murder, delivering a baby and still getting home in time to tuck her daughters into bed. All in a day’s work.

Sadie is under fire this week (not literally) from the Nashville PD for killing her ex-husband. It seems that Sadie saying on national TV that Pete wouldn’t get away with it PLUS owning an unregistered firearm just doesn’t add up so well. Instead of using her one phone call to snag a lawyer, she calls Rayna James, and you know what, after seeing Rayna take down a whole record label, I absolutely understand the logic of calling her to get out of murder charges.

Coincidentally, on the SAME day that Sadie decided to have a little parking garage shoot-up, Juliette planned an A-List baby shower, hosted by Rayna, obv. Unfortunately everyone famous bails (which conveniently allows Juliette to pretend she’s close with Miranda, Kacey and Carrie without ABC actually shelling out the big bucks for their appearances.) With red lips and side braid on fleek, Juliette has a meltdown, throws shit and rips Rayna a new one when she shows up. She shouts about being a low priority, “Somewhere below your precious little label and your stupid perfect hair.” OH NO SHE DIDN’T! Rayna loses her chill and tells Juliette to shut the hell up, which obviously forces Juliette to unload her amniotic juices all over the floor. All it takes is a Rayna hair flip and you’re going into labor. Don’t poke the beast, girl.

In problems that Rayna cannot solve with just one look, Gunnar is being a bitter bitch about Scarlett getting some. He calls her a loose goose for sleeping with the doc so soon and they have it out over him dating her bestie and her turning down the proposal. Rayna stomps one foot, the bus lurches and Gunnar and Scarlett are tossed into each other’s arms. Avery has to skedaddle to have a baby so the ole trusty duo is revived for lots of sexual tension onstage. It wasn’t my favorite song the two of them have done, they seemed to be drowned out by the music but Gunnar seems to think he can serenade Scarlett and they’ll fall into bed together. Hey Gunnar, we endured a whole season of you two crooning with sex eyes before you even kissed so let’s not jump the gun here (pun intended.) PS Scarlett burns him later and says all she felt was music.

Speaking of guns, Sadie spends the whole day after she’s released looking really terrible and being a little melodramats about finishing her record from jail. Turns out she is clear of all charges thanks to her boy Luke who didn’t want to spark things up with a convicted murderer, I guess. And with the biggest upset of the century, Sadie decides it’s time to hit the road and leave town to think about what she’s done. I’d like to personally ask the writers why they felt the need to add a useless character with a lame storyline and when they FINALLY spice it up with a little gun play and BFF betrayal love affair, they send her packing. For shame. I have a sly feeling she’ll be back though after she gives Luke an intimate hug goodbye before she chucks them deuces.

Finally, our “in case you missed it” piece of the episode, Deacon is DYING. Maddie is handling it by slamming her door like he just told her she can’t go to the mall and calling Teddy to come get her NOW. Daphne is handling it by asking what cancer feels like. These two are real peas in a pod. Teddy and Deacon have a moment when Deac tells Teddy that he is basically a skeleton walking this earth and it’s so heartwarming that it almost makes us forget that Teddy is currently blackmailing someone for half a mill so he can get his prostitute a one way ticket to Sleazeville where I assume her mouth will be duct taped shut.

If that image didn’t give you the warm and fuzzies, baby Javery (ew) has finally arrived and Juliette’s side braid is still fully intact after giving birth. She’s obviously trying to give Rayna’s locks a run for their money. Avery and Juliette sing a lullaby to their new little bundle and it’s so gagworthy and the harmonizing is so unrealistic for a quick baby sing-along that I actually laughed out loud. They leave us with a cliffhanger because they’ve finally decided what to name the baby but the general public clearly hasn’t finished voting on a name. GET TO WORK SO WE CAN FIND OUT HOW STUPID IT IS.