Tag Archives: TV Recap

The Bachelor

The Bachelor- House of Criers

 

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This week the ladies are all lounging on the couch in their trendy workout gear and it causes me to wonder if they actually do group yoga in the morning or if like me, they wear workout clothes to trick people into thinking they’ve just exercised. Someone arrives at the house and they’re all like “OMG THAT RUN WAS JUST SO HARD.” “Oh, never mind, it’s just Chris Harrison.” Lauren B, not to be confused with LB (who left last week), gets the date and 3.5 seconds later has perfectly wavy hair and has chosen a sexy but cute outfit. 

“The Sky’s the Limit” with Lauren B.

Ben kicks things right off by saying, “Join me on my magic carpet ride” and I get the creeps. No Ben, just no. They’re going up in a baby plane that does flips and shit. Lauren B might be a flight attendant but apparently she’s the kind that straps in during turbulence and clutches rosary beads because bitch is terrified to be in a plane. But then once she’s up in the air she’s AOK and has the time of her life. Nothing could ruin this date—not even THE MOST AWKWARD KISS ON THIS EARTH. No joke, I shielded my eyes when they did the kiss head jerk several times before making contact. They fly over the bachelor mansion and even though no one can even see them inside the plane, the girls all spontaneously combust with jealousy. The plane touches down in a field that is spacious and empty, except for the hot tub that was conveniently dropped there. I guess Ben’s a real hot tub guy? Lauren B’s like omgggg I don’t even know how this got here?! And then changes into a swimsuit. It turns out they’re better at kissing each other when they’re not squeezed into a toy plane dressed like Snoopy.

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Back at the mansion, Caila cries and squeals a lot about him going on other dates. I hate that I said I liked her. On the date that Caila isn’t on, Lauren B. reveals that she’s still single because she compares all men to her dad. Sexy. Ben tells a story about how his dad had surgery once. So like, a lot of dad talk for a first date. It wouldn’t be a one on one date if it didn’t end with a singer no one knows the name of performing for them. The two slow dance, and by slow dance I mean stand in front of this singer whose just trying to get a little fame and tongue each other.

“Love is the Goal” with Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Olivia, Jamie, Rachel, Lace, Emily

This date kills two birds with one stone. First, it allows for a “celeb” appearance with two soccer players from Team USA (I don’t know their names, sue me.) Second, it gives the girls who are all passive aggressive AF, an activity for them to be aggressive aggressive toward each other and just look dedicated to the game. This game was essentially made for Olivia, who claims soccer isn’t her thing, yet is out for blood. Literally. Once the girls find out the losing team can’t hang with Ben later, shit gets real, real quick. The stripes team get fired up because they have the least flattering Where’s Waldo uniforms ever, and the stars team has Emily (?) who can take a ball or two to the face. In Olivia’s plan to murder anyone who stands in between her and Ben, she sees that Rachel maybe broke her leg and goes after her to snap it clean off of her body. Team Olivia wins.

Back at the mansion, Jubilee cries about how she’s not Ben’s type and Jojo nods in agreement. (Could there be more crybabies up in this hizouse?) Speaking of whiny hoes, at the group hang, Olivia grabs Ben first and so therefore the rest of the girls talk about her ugly toes and bad breath. It’s only fair. When Olivia returns to the gossiping hags, Jami narcs on them and so ensues the most hilarious guessing game ever to occur. Jami is all; they were talking about some of your physical features. And Olivia is like was it my tree trunk calves? Or my cankles? My wide shark mouth? Don’t ever make a girl guess what is wrong with her…the options could not be more endless.

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Amber gets a rose after finally speaking to Ben for the first time. And smooching him. So unfortunately she’s safe for one more week. Cankles Olivia is obviously offended she didn’t get a rose but reassures America that it’s only politics because according to Ben’s secret cues, they’ve basically already eloped. To be clear, the cue she’s referring to was him pushing off her leg to stand up from the couch. I can’t believe I didn’t know that a leg graze was sign language for “we have a kid on the way, the rest of this show is just a formality.” I need to pay more attention in life.

“Love is in the Air” with Jubilee

Apparently Jubz turns into an awkward bird when she’s nervous and makes sassy jokes. In other words, Jubilee is me. Ben has a helicopter come to the house to pick her up because he’s unoriginal and apparently we can expect all of his dates to have some form of aviation + a hot tub+ an obscure singer/songwriter. Anyway, Jubilee is afraid of heights and jokingly asks if someone wants her date cause she’s wearing white and doesn’t want to shit her pants. Everyone just about crucifies her for that comment because she got a date and they’re all duds with no sense of humor. Jubilee convinces me even more that we’re the same person when Ben feeds her caviar; she promptly spits it out and tells him she prefers hot dogs. I was all for Jubilee until she jokingly calls Ben a white boy, which is fine, but then she decided to dissect it afterward in the hot tub. That made for some realllllll awko taco. I was just trying that one on for size, Jami. I think I hate it.

Later at dinner, they talk about how Jubilee has so many layers and it turns out one of those layers is that her entire family died in Haiti. So like, real dark shit. Ben clearly doesn’t know how to react to this so he caresses her hand a little and tells her she’s gr8. She gets a rose and a seat on his lap. When the rest of the house finds out Jubilee got a rose, they’re really excited for her. NAHT. Lauren H. is shocked and declares, “Ben wants a wife who hangs out with all the other soccer moms.” Congrats on coming off sexist AND a little racist, LH.

Cocktail Hour

The normally upbeat and time-stealing cocktail hour takes a somber turn right off the bat when Ben announces that two of his family friends died that day in a plane crash. Olivia senses that he needs a little comforting and pulls him aside to talk about how much she hates her legs. She takes the empathy route, tears up a little bit and tells him how hard it is to be strong in the face of tragedy. No but seriously, an Emmy for the editor who cut this together because that’s quality TV right there.

Jubilee actually does comfort Ben with a massage. Except oopsie, her act of kindness made all the women in the house hate her 1000 times more and turn into bitchy locker room monsters ready to attack. They claim that she’s flaunting her rose—meanwhile she hasn’t spoken to anyone all night. I see some holes in this theory. Amber beckons Jubilee to come over and get verbally assaulted for doing nothing wrong and Jubz is like aw, hell no and runs away. Ben gets involved because he’s awkward and thinks he can solve drama. In the end, Amber looks like a real asshole and should’ve gotten her rose revoked, and Ben is on Team Jubilee. It’s cute that Ben thinks the drama is all over and ends up walking right into Lace, who I’m guessing if she got more camera time this week, she would’ve been saying this:

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Lace is all tears and has decided to leave because she needs to work on herself. Apparently she hates herself as much as America does. Bye, Lace. It’s been real making fun of you. #Gone2Soon

Roses: Lauren B, Amber, Jubilee, Lauren H. (the soccer mom), Amanda, Becca, Haley, Emily, Rachel, Caila, Jojo, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

Jami turns into the bitter single drunk girl, says she’s going to get a lot of cats and that humans are garbage. “THAT’S WHY IM ALWAYS SINGLE!” she shouts like she just downed a tequila shot at last call and is going home alone. YIIIIIKES, Jami. Famous last words. You could’ve been remembered for making up a mediocre rhyme abbrev that would one day turn into a graphic tee sold at Forever 21 with the taco emoji BUT INSTEAD we’ll always know you as the singleton.

Update: That was really naive of me to think that this wasn’t already a tee. And that it’s even more unfunny when printed and mass distributed for sorority girls to wear because they ❤ Chipotle. Oh, god. There’s so many dumb variations. Be better, America.

 

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Catching Flies

CAILA, BEN HIGGINS, KEVIN HART

Ben is suuuuper nice to everyone and caring and a gent. He also has the self-confidence of a crack-whore. Enough is enough. This guy is man candy and has a killer personality. If I have to hear the unlovable shtick one more time, I’m going to climb into Olivia’s gaping mouth and never resurface.

Group Date 1: Horny in High School

Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, Lace

The date objective is to put the girls through high school again and make sure it’s sexual and suggestive. Duh. First up? Make Ben’s volcano explode. Jubilee is stuck with Lace, who she fondly refers to, as Lacey, and they both haven’t quite figured out what makes a volcano tick. They’re eliminated first (which fuels Lace’s hate fire.) Step two is bobbing for apples or I guess drowning in a fish tank with your mouth open. Can’t say I’ve bobbed for apples since I was six but this was an atrocious display of the sport. I don’t think your face needs to be submerged in the water to get the job done, ladies. The placing states on a map part is no joke. I can’t even make fun of how dumb the girls are because I 100% don’t know geography and would probably be the one to put Indiana sideways and count it as a new state like Becca and JoJo. The latter portions of the day are for athletic ability and unfortunately Mandi pulls out the W with a barefoot hurdles display. The less screen time we get of her, the better, really. Amber’s pezzed she’s runner up. Spoiler alert: Amber is pezzed this whole ‘sode. Cause she doesn’t belong on this show. But more on that later.

That night, Becca plays the cool girl routine and shoots some hoops with him in a tight lace dress. I almost wanted to date Becca after this. They touch all up on each other’s hands but surprisingly Jennifer gets the first smooch. NeWsFlAsH: Ben is an awkward bird when it comes to initiating kisses. This should be fun. It also turns out Lace just sounds like she’s drunk all the time. She slurs about how her and Ben are eye-banging as she white-knuckles his hand. Jubilee interrupts to talk about how she lived in an orphanage once and is rewarded for “opening up” with some kisses. To be clear, Lace never gets kissed. She does prove that she’s probably on mood stabilizers though, when she begins every sentence for the rest of the evening with “I’m not crazy.” You’re not hot enough to get away with this, Lace.

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My girl JoJo gets the rooftop time with Ben and they mack all up on each other. Ben does this thing where he grabs at her back skin while he’s slow dancing/gazing at her and it’s real woof. Stick to the small of her back, Ben. JEEZE. Ben must’ve enjoyed his grip on her spine because he gives her a rose.

One-on-Ride Along: Caila

Ride Along 2 needs all the publicity it can get and therefore Ice Cube and Kevin Hart sponsor this date. They cruise on over to the liquor store so Ben can get some Hennessy and condoms. JK he’s straight outta Hoosiers so he probably just gets a 6 pack of Zima to Ice’s disappointment. There’s some hot tub times with Kevin Hart’s junk and a verrryyy uncomfy giggle from Ben and finally they cut loose from their network obligations. At their dinner later, Ben tells Caila that she made that promotional bit that counted as her date, rly fun. (To be clear: Kevin & Ice could not have been less funny if they tried.) Anyway, Caila tells the story about how she met her last boyfriend on a plane and then they ran into each other in Boston. #Fate. I lived in Boston for a year and never saw the same person in public twice so like I call bullshit. BUT it didn’t work out because their meet-cute was better than the actual relationship. Surprisingly, I don’t think Caila is a total moron and therefore I’m fine with her getting a rose. What I’m not fine with is the fact that they hired the guy whose song was once in an AT&T commercial to give them a private concert. This same commercial drove me bananas for as long as they ran it. I guess Amos Lee gets Ben all hot and bothered though because he sighs a lot and serenades Caila while they slow dance.

 

Group Date 2: Hope You Don’t Have Your Period (S/O to Lindsey)

Emily, Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, Amanda

Hey want to make girls feel like they’re dirt? Tell them they smell sour. Thaaaat’s the technology of Looooooveeeee! The girls, dressed in white booty shorts and camis, are tested by REAL “doctors” to see if they have chemistry with Ben. After he sticks his nose all up in their bits and searches for other adjectives for “sweet” to describe their funk, he pairs off with each chick in bed for some questionable heat-sensory tests. The “doc” tells Ben and Shush to put their hands on each other’s hearts. A twin exclaims, “HE PUT HIS HAND ON HER BOOB!” Really? You mean to tell me neither of these twins has told a guy to feel how fast her heart is beating just to get a boob grab outta the deal? Amateur hour. Turns out Sam stinks AND has the lowest compatibility, Olivia has the highest. She also quotes Charlie Sheen and won’t shut her big wide trap.

Now seems like an ideal time to address this week’s elephant in the room, or rather, gigantic face hole. Olivia apparently thinks it’s cute and fun to drop her jaw to the ground as her reaction to everything. It results in me feeling like I need to run for cover to escape her engulfing the world. It’s only been one episode of this shit and I already want someone to stick their finger in there and teach her a lesson.

Ben tries his best when he sticks his tongue in there. I imagine it gets lost in the cave that is Olivia’s mouth but whatever. We also learn that Shush came to this country with some bottles of vodka and the American dream. Samantha smells like passion fruit instead of sour vag—According to Ben hitting the spin zone to redeem himself for his earlier comments. And lastly, everyone has pictures of their dogs in the house and Amanda doesn’t even have pictures of her kids. This is concerning. Not to Ben cause he kisses her. He’s into moms enough to mention that he loves that she has kids but then when faced with the rose decision gives it to Olivia because boners.

Cocktails/Rose Ceremony:

Okay so this is where we learn that Amber sucks and does not belong on this show. She’s a normal person. She’s not aggressive or fame hungry enough to seek the attention of the Bachelor and therefore she sits in the corner crying about how she never gets any time with Ben. Girl, you did this EXACT THING last season you were on. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Step up your game, walk your chicken legs over to Ben and talk to him or kick rocks. You know who does have the balls to get more face time? Olivia. She drags her open mouth over to catch Ben along with some flies and he greets her like he’s stuck in a 1997 Budweiser commercial.

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Then it’s Lace vs. Olivia in the battle of manipulative minds. Lace finally snags Ben cause she’s convinced herself and everyone else that she’s never spoken to him and promptly tells him a fascinating story about how she used to look like this:

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Obviously she cries after because she’s the worst at flirting and definitely gave him a nice boner kill with that image. Ben gives Lauren B. a 4×6 of them that a producer had printed at Wal-Mart “to make her feel really special.” And lastly, Ben calls Amanda over to make some rose barrettes for her daughters that she doesn’t have photographic evidence of. What a sweetie. I guess he’s not LB’s type, though, because when he calls her out at the rose ceremony she says no thank you and heads home. Out of all the girls I wish would do this LB was pretty much dead last on the list. Three cheers for being rid of Mandi though!

Roses: JoJo, Caila, Olivia, Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B., Leah, Becca, Rachel, Lace, Jennifer, Emily, Haley, Jami, Lauren H, Shushanna, Amber(who only gets a rose because LB peaced. I think it’s only fair that Amber send a cut of her Bachelor paycheck to LB, weekly.)

Best Quotes:

“I’ve never been this turned on in a high school before.”- JoJo admitting she didn’t used to get horny for school but now…LOOK OUT!

“Jackie is not great with her mouth.” ROUGH.

“I’m not very smart.”-A twin. At least they’re self-aware.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor Premiere- Lace Up

 

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Listen, the first night is always a whirlwind of skinny bitches and glasses of wine being emptied into my mouth and therefore for last night’s episode we will recap by individual until I learn how many Lauren’s we’re actually going to be keeping around.

But first, Ben’s rite of passage as Bachelor: a completely staged and over the top hometown intro. He drives around talking to himself, shows us the crappy movie theater where he first smooched a girl and gets teary-eyed talking about finding love in his future. C’mon Ben. Don’t be the first one to cry. NOT a good look. But Ben’s most important role as Bachelor was being the grand marshal of his high school homecoming game. No seriously, you would’ve thought he was meeting the President with the way he talked about this honor. From what I can tell, he attended a high school football game with a camera crew. LiViN LaRgE. We also get to meet Ben’s parents, who unintentionally were hilarious. His dad is an adorable nerd who talks about how much he loves Ben’s mom and then they cheers, TO LOVE!

 

JubileeJubilee

Jubz is a vet and can absolutely crush me. Her intro consists of her flipping a guy around a bunch of times and she’s basically going to eat Ben alive.

Mandi/Faith from Unreal

Mandi is ALL IN on being the quirky girl. In Portland, she stands in the middle of a guy playing bagpipes and cycling to show us how ZANY she is. Realistically it made me concerned for what goes on in that city. From there we segue into what I can only describe as the first 2 minutes of a shitty porno as she gives an Indian man a gold tooth in her dental office. There are a lot of close-ups on her rack as she does so. Later, at the house, Mandi wears an enlarged red flower on her head. Why? Because she is the “impression rose”. Before Ben even finishes his Welcome speech to the ladies, Mandi snags him away to see if he’s flossing enough. No seriously, she gives him a dental exam. Unfortunately for everyone, she gets a rose.

Twins

Not quite ready to give up on the act that these two women are one individual, the twins play into the charade by being complete assholes that are conjoined. The matching outfits, the talking at the same time, the tandem biking, I mean, COME ON.  Ben’s reaction when he first saw them was, “That’s uh, that’s good.” They’re quick to tell him that they NEVER date the same guy so this is so0ooOo different! Clearly these two will never be separated (mostly because no one can tell them apart), and I applaud the producers for such an outrageous move.

Amanda

Amanda S

Amanda is cute and all but she has two little kids. She’s got a real full plate and she’s on a reality TV show looking for a husband. FuN FaCt: She’s the only mom this season.

Tiara

Tiara

the chicken enthusiast reads bedtime stories to her chickens, kisses them, and has several photos of chickens with a framed photo of Ben in the center. I wouldn’t have put it past her for one second to have a photoshopped picture of her, Ben and the coop. But joke’s on Ben because when she meets him she acts super normal and there is no mention of her fowl fetish. Ben doesn’t even wrinkle his nose at the probable farm stench radiating from her. I got real nervsies that Ben would fall into her trap and then get too far in before she introduced him to her chickens. Luckily, she was sent home and we no longer have to worry about her tucking birds into bed with them each night.

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Samantha

Samantha

REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted a rose. That’s the most I remember about her. It’s funny how the ones that are thirsty AF for a rose are usually the ones where we saw no interaction with the Bachelor.

Lauren B.

Lauren B

I actually like Lauren B. so I’m going to let it pass that her first meeting with Ben consists of her pinning wings on him because she’s a flight attendant and saying, “I Hope you are ready to take off on this journey together.” I’m also jelly of Lauren B. She’s like GREAT at flirting. She giggles a lot and is cute and tiny. Whatever.

Caila

Caila

is probably fine but since I’m a female, it’s important to note that I hate her. Why do I hate her? Because she jumps into Ben’s arms upon exiting the limo and he scoops her up with effortless grace. TALL GIRLS CAN’T DO THAT CUTE SHIT. DAMN YOU, CAILA. It also turns out that they both sell software. So they have like SO much in common. I wonder if they’ll work in the same office and Ben will carry her into work every day…

Jami

Jami

My gal group that I watched the premiere with all agreed that we had a crush on Jami; unfortunately we didn’t get to see her talk at all. Even more unfortunate, we kept referring to her as the bartender. Sarryyy, Jami. Hopefully we get more next week. Also apparently she’s friends with Kaitlyn from last season? Talk about knowing the right people to get a job…

Lace

Lace

Remember when I had a question about if her name was after the fabric or a dumb way to spell Lacey? Problem solved. No one will ever forget Lace again. She’s the resident bitchy slob kebab on night one. Giving dirty looks and talking about how no one is pretty didn’t really make the other girls want to kick it with Lace. Add 100 glasses of wine to this fire and things got a little fuzzy. Lace smooched Ben upon meeting him (in an aggress manner) then while chatting, asks for a better one—Something that is totes ok when you’re wine buzzed. Except Ben’s like hm, better not. Only because he’s a gem and he didn’t want to tongue before getting to know her toxic personality. He even seeks her out again to reiterate this better because they were interrupted and he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. In Lace-Land, this was interpreted as him saying, “people are shady.” Not one to quit while she’s ahead, after getting a rose she takes him aside to point out that she was watching him like a hawk during the ceremony and he didn’t even look at her once. I think I speak for America when I say, go to bed, Lace, you’re drunk.

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Lauren R.

Lauren R

Yikes to Lauren R’s first impression. She reveals how much she stalked Ben over social media (don’t ever reveal that, girls) and has “something special” to show him. That something special is apparently not her name because she never tells Ben what it is. Although, by process of elimination something tells me he landed on the 100th Lauren in the room.

Shushanna

Shushanna

Her entire first convo with Ben is in another language and he thinks her name is Shauna. Hot start.

Leah

Leah

makes it her mission the first night to come off as the “guy’s girl.” She hikes up her dress and tosses him a football obviously accompanied with “I knew you were a catch.” Cause these girls are nothing if not creative. Later on they play catch again and she runs in heels so she’s like rly down to earth and cool and likes sports. AKA she’s a guy’s nightmare to watch football with because she thinks being a fan is shouting a lot to pretend she knows what’s going on, but who am I to judge?

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JoJo

Joelle

I’m a little ashamed that this was one of my frontrunners in the ranking blog because she waltzes out with a unicorn head on. JoJo DEF has plans to wear this mask in the fantasy suite.

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Lauren H.

Lauren H

If I’m not mistaken, and there’s a high chance that I am, this was the Lauren who tossed Ben a bouquet she just caught at a wedding and probably made him want to run away. Apparently she didn’t scare him enough because she got rosed.

Laura

Laura

“My friends call me red velvet” and “He may have not been into redheads” are two of the best quotes that could’ve summed up Laura’s one night existence on The Bachelor. I did feel a little bad that she was Lace’s side bitch all night AND got kicked off. Double punishment.

Maegan

Megan

Everyone knows I was already not loving Maegan the extra vowels cowgirl. Then she went and brought her mini pony to the first night and crossed her fingers it didn’t pee all over the carpet. If we’re being real, I wouldn’t be surprised if Maegan hiked up her skirt and peed on the carpet. She just strikes me as that type of gal.

Isabel

Isabel

All I’ve got written down is that she was wearing a onesie and thus her opening line was, “are you the onesie for me?” Hard pass.

Rachel

Rachel

was my other top pick from the bios, as a fellow unemployed cookie monster and then she went right ahead and rode in on one of those hoverboards. Noooooooooo.

Jessica

Jessica

gets a real long hug and then an immediate second. And she didn’t even need to give Ben any coupons for those! FrontRUNNER.

LB

LB

I don’t think LB got a lot of screen time but she stands out because she seemed normal and basically stole LC’s name so she’s fine for now.

Jackie

Jackie

gives Ben a save the date for their own wedding. DEF not a red flag or anything.

Olivia

Olivia

only has one dimple and gave up her career as a news anchor to find louuurrve. It’s a good thing she gets the first impression rose or else that would’ve been a suuuper dumb decision. Olivia will probz be around for a while.

Breanne

Breanne

is all about that nutrition life and declares Gluten is Satan. She throws a bunch of bread on the ground and I cried real tears. Who wastes a French baguette like that? So rude. Her one-woman hate-show of carbs was all for nothing because Ben doesn’t give her a rose. He just loves pasta too much, probably.

Becca

Becca

Becca doesn’t really need to make a first impression on me because we’ve seen a whole season of her. She’s sweet and pretty and will most likely end up in the finals. I can see Ben and Becca settling down. Unfortunately it doesn’t matter how lovely Becca is because Lace HATES THAT F’ING VIRGIN. No seriously, she said it. A lot. She also spied on Becca and Amber through the door as they chatted with Ben.

Amber

Amber

Once again Amber leaves 0.0 impression on me. The only thing going for her is that she was linked with Becca as they showed up late togets in the “we’ve already been here once” limo. Either way, she gets a rose, because she’s in the Bachelor family and it would’ve been supes rude to keep Becca and not her.

Jennifer

Jennifer

Conducts a heavy discussion about how she looks for men with morals and similar beliefs and she believes she’s found that in Ben. To be clear she knows absolutely nothing about Ben. To be even clearer, her tits are at full attention in the dress she’s wearing and that’s all anyone can focus on, including Ben.

 

ROSES: Lauren B, LB, Caila, Amber, Jami, Jennifer, Jubilee, Amanda, JoJo, Leah, Rachel, Samantha, Jackie, Haley, Emily, Sushanna, Lauren H., Becca, Mandi, Lace

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Will Power”

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Look I don’t want to start hating yet another biddy on this show but Rinna’s inching her way onto my list and I’m not loving it. She kicks it off by showing up to Kyle’s obnoxious clothing store to cash out on her birthday gift. The gift she’s referring to, of course, is when Mauricio showed up to her party empty-handed and said she could pick out something from Forever A Former Child Star or whatever Kyle’s fashion venture is. That was Mauricio’s way of saying Hey I didn’t get you anything so rip off my wife’s store because I paid to start this little side project of hers anyway. Rinna was like oh you didn’t have to!!! But then shows up to the store with her palms extended looking for a handout. Rinna’s got a lot of balls pretending she’s not that rich and then a mere 20 minutes later having a personal vag waxer arrive at her mansion. Her waxer is named Eiko (because of course she’s foreign) and proceeds to stick a butter knife up Rinna’s buhhole while talking about how she has a wrinkly ass. I could’ve lived my entire life without ever seeing Rinna spread eagle on her bedroom floor with a butter knife inserted in her downstairs and I’m afraid it’s an image that will never leave my brain. Bottom line: Rinna is not down to earth. She has been paying an immigrant to de-grizzly her RB curtz for 17 years. That’s Beverly Hills.

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You know what else is SOOO Beverly Hills? Tossing your PET SWAN Hanky into the back of your Range Rover like it’s not an angry bird that belongs in the wild and not cuddled in your lap for a quick joy ride. I’ve had it up to here* with Lisa’s animal shit this season. *To be clear, “here” is above my head, and I’m a lot taller than a mini horse. Hanky has a stomach infection probably because it’s fed prime rib or something and rode in style to the vet, who declared he’s fine because he’s biting everyone who touches him. What a friendly pet. Once he’s feeling better it’s apparently okay for Lisa to follow it around and keep choking its neck so that it sits in her lap nicely. It gave me very real and traumatic flashbacks to the kids next door to my parents grabbing their puppy by its head because they’re definitely not old enough to know how to properly care for a pet. Hands home, Lisa.

hanky

After patiently waiting, fans were rewarded with an Erika group meet so the other ladies can look their future enemy in the eye. First she’s eased in when Yolanda introduces her to Kyle at the park. They’re gathering to take a walk but what that really means is walk to the closest bench and sit down to chat. Kyle and Erika HIT IT OFF because they both have long shiny hair and popped out a child before they were old enough to drink. Then Kyle takes some time to exhaust her theory about Yolanda maybe just being depressed. Fingers crossed this is the last time we have to hear this dumb dribble. Yolanda is like yeah okay whatever. Then they suggest TOTALLY OFF THE CUFF that maybe all the girls gather for a drink so they can meet the new co-star who will be paid to hang out with them. Erika reveals that she only hangs out with gay men. Who would have ever guessed that this Barbie lookin chick with a 76-year-old husband and a questionable club music career can’t hang with other girls? Red flag city, population: Erika Jayne. Let’s see how she does with a group of girls that do not encourage her to pat her puss constantly.

erika

Did anyone know that Eileen won an Emmy for her work in soap operas? Well YOU SHOULD. Lisa and Kyle take her job REALLY seriously when they play hide and seek on the Young and the Restless set and make unfunny jokes about how they’re too rich for vending machines. Then they go for drinks with Erika so Kyle can slobber all over her and Lisa can show how jelly she is of Erika’s life.

Erika’s first mistake is that she wears pink heels to the outing and didn’t she know that pink is LISA’S COLOR? Duh. She bought the actual rights to the color, along with two tiny horses that are probably already dead. Don’t worry about Kyle and Erika getting along though because they’re both like, so much fun, so what more could two women have in common? Million dollar diamond best friend necklaces in the making. Obviously Erika talks all about her alter ego and the girls are like omggg so FUNNNNNNNNN. Eileen shows her age and lack of coolness when she’s like everyone wants to be a disco queen. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Erika’s auto-tuned club jams while she writhes around in a sheer bodysuit isn’t what Eileen had in mind for disco queen. There’s a little chatter about sex with men above the age of 70, which is just about as disturbing as watching Rinna’s grundle get waxed earlier. Apparently no one at Bravo cares about me keeping my dinner down. Eileen the wannabe-disco-queen shuts that talk down right about the same time that Kyle does a fresh hip-implant humping impression. God bless you, Eileen.

Of course it wouldn’t be a weekly installment of the ladies if they didn’t question Yolanda’s entire existence on this earth or something and make her feel like a bag of Lyme disease trash. Yo’s latest procedure is to get her breast implants removed, so she’s still not feeling on the up and up. Kyle has convinced herself she might have Lyme disease because she’s a moron. And then Yolanda says, a friend told me Taylor was talking shit, which is Bravo speak for: a producer showed me a clip of that big mouth trashing my Valencia filters. Eileen gets confused, probably still jarred by the fact that two of the ladies just detailed their geriatric husbands’ sex life, and thinks Yo is referring to Rinna’s little Munchausen’s wiki from last week. YIKERONIS. Rinna may have a hairless downstairs, but she’s about to be in a hairy situation with Yolanda thanks to Eileen’s blabathon. See what I did there? I made something disgusting into a segue. You’re welcome. That’s why I get paid the big bucks.

Anyway, Yolanda is like I don’t have time for all this bullshit and peaces out because seriously she’s above it. Also she’s late for a VERY tearworthy discussion of her will with the kiddies. What a downer way to end the episode. So instead let’s talk about how next week everyone will be in the Hamptons and Erika will be joining in so she’ll probably have her first girl fight because there’s no way this bitch doesn’t ruffle somebody’s feathers. But I bet her and Kyle will have SO MuCh F-U-N!

 

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills- “The M Word”

I just felt like maybe everyone needed to get a little crazy. You’re welcome. The good news is that my blog can’t be any worse than that. Did I do that on purpose? Obviously. Trick of the trade.

I wonder if Rosebud’s little nub legs stopped functioning properly because she was tortured with Erika Jayne’s music as a little donkey hybrid at the farm of misfit toys in Ohio. Who cares though, because Lisa has friends with cowboy hats to hand deliver TWO horses that aren’t retarded. These ones are from Texas…so suck it, Ohio. All memories of Rosebud are swept under the rug as Lisa bathes herself in tiny horse love. The love, it seems, is not very mutual as both horses refuse to enter her home and buck against their pink frilly leashes. As this all goes down, Lisa struts in front of them in awe of how calm they both are. It seems she’s still the most observant creature in all the land.

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I guess Ken’s birthday that we’ve now celebrated for 3 weeks in a row has ACTUALLY arrived, so the little toy breeds have been purchased JUST IN TIME. What’s more shocking than Lisa buying Ken a present for herself is probably the fact that Ken isn’t in a wheelchair with a neck brace. I thought for sure he would have at least sustained severe injuries from getting spiked into the pool at his own birthday party. KEN IS INVINCIBLE. He hates his birthday gift though because he’s the one who’ll have to pick up all the horse shit. HA-HA KEN. 70 years old but you still haven’t lost that colorful sense of humor. You haven’t fooled me for one second that you don’t have a specific human to pick up poop on staff at your Villa Rosa zoo of animals. I mean you have swans for Pete’s sake. THOSE THINGS SHIT ERREWHERE. Stop being so dramats and cuddle your freak horses before they probably die unexpectedly from complications of breeding tiny animals that are meant to weight 1000 lbs.

While we’re on the topic of sad things, let’s touch upon the fact that Erika can’t kick it with her husband during the day cause he has to WORK. Ugh, what a struggle. She does call him every five minutes to tell him what she’s eating though. JK she works really hard shimmying her gigantic ass into mesh bodysuit after mesh bodysuit. Then once said sequin nylon has been rippled over her T&A, she drops it down in front of a mirror. Satisfied with a day of hard work she goes home and calls Mr. Girardi to ask him what he’s thinking and what he’s doing and when was the last time he went to the bathroom.

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In boringland, Eileen and Vince meet for lunch because sometimes they go days without seeing each other. In Eileen’s words, sometimes they’re both working, and sometimes one is working and the other isn’t, and sometimes they’re both home. Whoa. Anyway, Vince WAS working…on his gambling at the track and won big. For a rich person to say that I was expecting it to be thousands and then he really let me down by saying it was like 600 bucks. That seems like chump change. Not to me personally…I won $12.50 at the track once and you would’ve thought I was Diddy at the bar that night the way I was flashing my winnings. I also don’t work in Hollywood soo….a little different. Also Vince made me laugh out loud when he tells Eileen she’s not allowed to yap at him until afternoon because she’s a caffeine monster. I support this wholeheartedly. If I had to interact with Eileen after java I would also tell her she had to play the quiet game until she’s tired herself out. Rules are rules.

Rinna lunches with her kids and continues to spend an exorbitant amount of time convincing viewers that her teens aren’t spoiled, meanwhile Kyle continues to show us that hers are obnoxxxxxxxious. They hit up the Piercing Pagoda—if that’s what you call a private jeweler who also apparently does piercings on the side. Sophia, as you recall is terrified of needles and made a G-D SCENE last time she got her ears pierced. She’s a real baby bitch about it and yet keeps getting her F’ing ears pierced on TV. This time around she wears shades inside. It didn’t distract from her high pitch screeching and tears. Her mom had to sit in her lap. Isn’t this girl in college?! Pull it together. Prayers to this lady at a high-end jewelry store putting up with these morons. Portia was up next and it was hysterics 2.0. She couldn’t even go through with it so she left with the ole one hoop look. Supes trendy.

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In a couples hang at Yo’s Malibu house (instead of germ-tastic condo), Erika wants David’s opinion on her music. He’s like errrr I only work with good musicians…sooo. Then Yolanda has a brilliant idea and suggests Erika Jayne join David onstage in a performance for the Pope and Andrea Bocelli. Do we think the Pope knows what “pat the puss” is? Cause he gonn’ LEARN.

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Even though Kim is no longer mumbling incoherent things on this show…doesn’t mean we can’t show clips of her mumbling incoherent things in made for TV movies. Lisa invites the ladies over to stare at her ponies but first they must gossip. Kim apparently threw some social media shade at Lisa and her penance is to be brutally made fun of by Bravo. I think we can all agree this was a win. After cutting to a clip of Kim at last year’s reunion saying she wouldn’t just do anything for a buck, they smoothly transition into her getting squashed by a shark in Sharknado 3. I truly appreciated the thinly veiled attempt to laugh at Kim’s expense. Andy Cohen giveth and taketh away as he pleases.

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Rinna gives me the ickies this week, which is rare, when she brings up Taylor’s dumb point again about Yolanda’s Instagram. Apparently Yo throwing a filter on some Canadian vacay pics means that she has Munchausen’s Disease. According to the Wikipedia page, which Rinna does a dramatic reading of, it means Yo is faking. Maybe if Rinna saw Yolanda’s health advocate divvying up baggies of pills like she was throwing Gogurt’s and Dunkaroos into a brown paper bag for lunch each day of Yo’s vacation, she wouldn’t be such a twat. Rinna then takes this time to make everything about herself and tear up for even taking part in a conversation that questions this. Rinna just bumped herself to the Yolanda shit list with that one. It looks like Eileen and Erika are the only Pro-Yo’s left. To lay on the disrespect, I have to then watch Kyle and Eileen chase two tiny horses around in stilettos and try to mount them. AH, MY EYES.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “We’ve Got Nothing But Love To Prove”

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Well as far as fall finales go…that was…boring. I mean, Deacon and Rayna are engaged (FINALLY!) and Will got a HEARTY thigh graze from Wade Cole. But other than that? Avery leads the anti-Juliette brigade and by way of association, Anti-Emily. Yes that’s right, the woman who has essentially been Avery’s live-in bitch since Juliette started her all booze n pills diet is dead to Avery now. Why? Cause she visited Juliette in post-partum rehab. When Avery tries to justify this aggressive move to the other dads at daycare (Will & Gunnar) he’s all yeah we should probably kill Emily because she betrayed me. Right, guys? RIGHT?! Cady’s BFF’s were like you’re the worst, go get Emily back. And after some more yelling and a chat with Juliette’s doc, that’s exactly what he does. Gawd, Avery’s so uptight now.

He may be a real dick but this makes for a hilarious grumpy dad dynamic with the whole three men and a baby shtick. Will stretched out on the puzzle play mat blowing bubbles with Cady and Gunnar beelining it to her when he gets home from tour only to be broken up by Avery shouting NO MORE JULIETTE was hilarious. I expected him to storm in the room waving a wooden spoon. Guy REALLY doesn’t want his baby recognizing her mom on TV. ALSO: NO MORE TV. What a lame dad.

Also lame: Luke’s plot twist that dethrones his entire ALMOST Jay-Z brand is that his business manager embezzled millions then went off the grid with all his stolen cash. Womp womppp now Luke owes 40 million in back taxes. Watching Luke pretend to know things about money while coming up with a solution was almost as funny as Scarlett still dating a doctor.

That same doctor who got a promotion in Seattle. Since I had washed my hands of this relationship about 400 episodes ago, I was surprised to see that they had to drag the breakup out this long. Caleb vows to stay in Nashville for Scarlett and she’s like SHIT. They break up, naturally as they should have after their first date full of Scarlett reciting medical terms from Webster-Merriam. Caleb stays super calm about it by saying he’s not like Scarlett because he’s normal. OHHH ZING, CALEB. Did you get that one from the insult store? BYE FELICIA.

Even though Maddie apologized for being the meanest sister on this earth, it’s not looking like she’s had an attitude adjustment just yet. She scowls while eating imitation fruit loops as Daphne sings a beautiful banjo melody at the breakfast bar. SINCE WHEN IS HAVING AN ANGEL VOICE CHILDISH, MADDIE?! Also on the topic of Maddie—now that Colt has moved in with Gramps did that just end their passionate love in a tour bus affair? People don’t forget. This modern day Romeo and Juliet of “my parents are the WOOOORSSTTT” relationship better not have faded into the dust. Or replaced by cool girl country singer Cash, who happens to be Frankie’s daughter. She opened up for Kacey Musgraves so she’s got mad kewl points in the teens with a record deal world of Nashville. Maddie and her get all BFF in five minutes and want to write together—without Daph. I hope Daphne becomes a YouTube sensation from her banjo crooning and stomps Maddie in fame to teach her a lesson about treating her like she’s in diapers.

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And of course, we can’t forget our favorite country threesome. Deacon may have purchased the ring but he doesn’t have moves quite like Markus. It’s about to be Markus’s country debut at an outdoor concert and he’s freaking out like a little baby bitch. Rayna has to pet his hair and shush him to get him to calm down about all this.

He’s done being colicky when the big night arrives and he lurks backstage with a flask. Rayna strolls up wearing a sparkle jacket, matching scarf and a fedora. She takes a swig from Markus’s flask and it GIVES ME LIFE. I wanted to kiss Rayna then, so totes understandable if Markus was having some thoughts as well. Anyway, let’s not get distracted by girl crush fantasies, the diva’s song started out sounding like Fallout Boy but took a turn for the better. I could kinda get down with it.

After the show everyone’s like omg Markus you’re amahhhzinnggg and record downloads are high and the crowd was eating that shit up so Markus takes Rayna up to the roof with a bottle of Dom to do some unsolicited kissing. Seriously, Rayna has a mouthful of bubbly when Markus goes in for the kill. He probably just wanted a sip of champagne from her mouth guys, totes innocent. JK he forcefully tells her YOU KNOW WE HAVE CHEMISTRY and she shouts RESPECT MY BOUNDARIES before she disappears into a cloud of smoke and glitter. (PS Pay up, Dad. When I predicted this trajectory 3 weeks ago Den was like nah he’s not hitting on her. LoLz.)

Not one to be scorned by a lover that’s probably twice his age, Markus decides to toss Boulevard back togets and leave Rayna high and dry because she didn’t really need mouth to mouth CPR just from taking a swig of champagne. Deacon is Mr. Jelly Belly about that punk kissing his lady and delivers the line of the night with, “You’re going to talk to Markus in the middle of a fight about Markus?” The answer is yes. Yes she is. Rayna’s even late to the opening of The Beverly. She misses Deacon and Scarlett’s lively kickoff song dedicated to….wait for it…Beverly. When she finally shows up reeking of desperation because she just begged a guy who raped her mouth not to leave Nashville, Deacon yells at her a little more then is like never mind will you marry me? The answer of course, is yeah ok. Can’t believe she wasn’t wearing her concert outfit for the proposal. That would’ve been so0o instagram worthy. Do you think Rayna ‘grammed the ring? Or like, because it’s her third…maybe it’s less social media friendly. Things to think about over the next few months because we won’t see a Nashville return until March (this sentence made me VERY relieved.) Enjoy the break!

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I’m engaged, ya’ll!

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Ciao, Tuscany!”

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Do you feel like enough time has passed since last season’s reunion where Kyle and Kim went at each other’s throats? I don’t. I don’t think enough time will ever pass to make that any less uncomfy. We’ll have to get over it because there may only be one Richards sister on this season (so far) but the dirrty family laundry continues to be aired. This week’s installment is the impending nuptials of Nicky Hilton. You know, Paris’s sister. She’s getting married at a palace in London, cause she’s a Hilton. And Kyle has been uninvited to the wedding. Why? BECAUSE KATHY SAYS SO. And what Kathy says, goes. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Kathy is not thrilled about how her sisters have been muddying the family name on reality TV as she watches in her Ivory Hilton tower, but that’s neither here nor there. To reiterate: I’m on Team Kathy. Cause if you’re not on Kathy’s side you’re disinvited from the wedding event of the season. Kyle finds a way to weasel her way back onto Kathy’s good side and get invited to the wedding again. Except the rest of her family can’t come. BOLD. Apparently Portia’s in the wedding and Kyle can go but everyone else can kick rocks. When Lisa tries to point out how bananas this is, Kyle’s like it’s nobody’s biz, shut the hell up. Except she’s made it our biz..so0oo0o…that comment has about as much validity as saying that I was almost a Victoria’s Secret Angel.

I wouldn’t want to miss this…

Speaking of Angels, momma of the newest to be winged (and my ferocious girl crush) Yolanda, is still struggle city this episode and it breaks my little heart. Yo goes in for a procedure to take all the metal out of her mouth because it might be adding to her illness but she’s not really sure. The surgery looks like the WORST and she feels like she’s choking and can’t breathe but don’t you fret because David to the rescue! Foster rolls in mid-procedure to grab her hand and kiss her numb, gaping mouth. At the end, he seals the deal of best hubs ever by making a groan worthy joke to the doc about if they can have sex right away. Ugh. David. If I were Yo I probably would’ve already had the papers drawn at that point. I’m actually surprised he didn’t wheel a piano into the operating room and request that the nurses sing backup like one of their dreadful dinner parties.

Husband of the year should probably go to Harry after the amount that Rinna tosses her mom haircut around to attract attention to her new diamond earrings. “Guess who got these for me?” she goads to her daughters and when they stare at her cluelessly she exclaims, “HARRY HAMLIN!” I feel like “dad” could’ve sufficed in this scenario rather than using government names with the children they made together. I’m going to assume Rinna doesn’t get a lot of lavish gifts with the way she’s put up a billboard about these earrings. Or she does and she acts like this every time, in which case I might need a breather from Rinna. JK she’s one of the realest on the show. I need to keep her in my pocket.

Rinna & Eileen (whose existence on this season so far is to mourn the loss of her father in law Dick Van Patten) act like compassionate humans and visit Yolanda in her white plushy den of illnesses. Yolanda lies on a white bed in a white robe awaiting her lady callers. The girls take their time to snoop around Yo’s new place looking at pictures and into medicine cabinets that would be an absolute goldmine for a drug dealer with the wall-to-wall pills Yo’s been stashing. Rinna reveals that her daughter has a monster crush on Anwar Hadid. Who doesn’t—amirite?! I would kill for a setup of these two for an awkward on-camera tween date. I live for that shit. PLS make it happen, Andy. That’s all I want for Christmas. Anyway, the gals all sit down and talk about colonics and being full of shit. Eileen’s sister died after being sick for a while so she’s really feeling for Yolanda. These two seem genuine and have actually been supportive of Yolanda on camera.

Turds 1 and 2, otherwise known as Lisa and Kyle—on the other hand…are on an economy vacation. HAHA. LoLz. Kyle and Co. are just yachting all over Italy and about to meet up with Lisa and Ken in a Tuscan villa. Kyle’s yacht is bigger than anything I’ve ever lived in and this is essentially just their vacation transportation. Typical. An extra hearty snicker for Kyle talking about going shopping in Florence and then adding at the end: I also want to check out the museums. Mauricio literally laughs right in her grillpiece at how fake that statement was. Mauricio shouldn’t be laughing though because he’s the kind of asshole vacationer who NEEDS to show off his knowledge of other languages at every chance he gets. ARRIVEDERCI he shouts in a haughty voice as he pops into his Ferrari to drive to the villa.

For what it’s worth (nothing), the “Butler” at the villa doesn’t even know how old it is when Kyle asks so he’s obviously a hired Italian actor. Lisa and Ken arrive to the “many many years old” villa after shouting at their Italian Uber to turn up the AC cause it’s not like it’s BOILING in the backseat or anything. They also spent the ride throwing shade at Yolanda for once calling the Amalfi Coast a chore. To be fair, that’s an asshole thing to say…but so is Ken pointing out that Kyle only wears mu-mu’s. Ken is turning into quite the little catty bitch for someone whose about to be 70 years old. SEVENTY. AS IN MY GRANDMA’S AGE. I thought people stopped giving an F when they got that old. Take a page from my Gammy’s book, Ken. Play peaknuckle with your buds once a week, eat dinner at 4:30 and take advantage of all senior citizen discounts. Stop worrying about the fashion and makeup preferences of your wife’s friends.

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Anyway, Ken probably gets put down for his afternoon nap while Lisa and Kyle take the ‘rarri out for a joyride in the Italian countryside because they’re rich and we’re not. Then they spend a significant amount of time piling it on Yo again because they’re the worst and they can. Kyle does what she does best and makes Yolanda’s illness about herself. Apparently when Kyle’s mom died she was convinced she had a disease but it turned out to all be mental and related to her depression. Cool story, Kyle. Let Yolanda try to find a cure and stop chirping her for not wearing eyeliner.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Three’s A Crowd”

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I was hoping this was the winter finale but unfortunately we have one more week before we get a well-deserved break from the depraved lives of the sad sacks of Nashville. This week, Colt took a page out of Maddie’s bitch teen book and really amped up the LIFE ISN’T FAIR and I HATE YOU’s for some QT with Luke. Gabriella goes out on a limb as the girlfriend trying to impress the kids with, “So Colt, your dad tells me your pretty big into hip hop,” like she’s talking to a 6 year old and not a teenager who witnessed a guy plummeting to his death. Stay irrelevant, Gabriella, don’t eva change. Luke tries to take Colt fishing so they can bond and also so his son can sign a nondisclosure about the death he witnessed that Luke is sweep, sweep, sweeping under the rug. Daddy issues bubble over when it turns out Luke actually needs to do a Forbes photo shoot. Is Luke even that famous? Anyway, dad almost punches son and son moves in with grandpa, you know, the usual. Hey Luke you’re a shitty dad and your girlfriend’s about to leave you once the work dries up. Boom, roasted.

Scarlett and Caleb’s relationship progresses in that they drag it out for another week REFUSING TO BREAK UP WHEN THEY’RE TERRIBLE TOGETHER. Scarlett surprises Caleb on her day off and he’s like sarrryyy I’m busy. When he finally gets home, Scarlett is waiting for him in a nice Maidenform bra to seduce him I guess? I mean this scene was about as sexy as a Nickelodeon cartoon. Obviously not overcome with the need to bed his girlfriend who’s only in town for 24 hours, Caleb opts for a solo shower sesh. THIS ALONE POINTS TO DUMPSVILLE, Population: Scarlett. But no…later for pillow talk, Scarlett (wearing nothing but a beaded Navajo choker) tells a story about someone on the tour bus falling out of the bunk with a thong on and Nick talks about his clinical trial. Are these two compatible, or what?! It all blows up when Doc loses his baby bitch temper as he’s known to do once a week and shouts -I DEAL WITH PEOPLE WITH CANCER, NOT SING FOR FREE BEER. And yet…they stay together. Their entire relationship has a whole dad hit mom at the dinner table and we all need to act casual feel to it. Dr. Caleb is an asshole. Get him outta here.

Since I naturally tend to clump them together because they both send me to Snoozetown, Avery visits the poorhouse this week while Will thumbs his nose at a high-paying songwriting gig just because country singers think they’re going to catch the gay from working with him. Avery has quickly taken Layla’s place as the sad sap of the show. Everything in his life soooooks. He can’t book a gig on his own anymore and when he finally does he has to cancel it for a jingle because it pays more and lil screamer’s gotta eat, I guess. LoLz to Emily offering to launder money from Juliette’s account for a quick loanski AS IF that’s totes legal. Look, I can sympathize with Avery’s shitty life because I deal with being a poor person every day but like I also don’t need to relive it on TV every Wednesday. This is not interesting television. At one point Avery preaches to Will, “What we want to do and what we need to do don’t always line up.” And SHIT that’s depressing, but also #blessed because at least I don’t have an infant to support on an unemployed salary. Tough stuff, lesson learned.

Rayna still hasn’t learned that Markus is trying to bang her and it’s actually kind of cute that she’s so naïve to her mad cougar vibes. Markus finally meets Deacon—calls him Freakin’ Deacon and wraps him in an aggressive bear hug (thus deducting hot points) and shouts with glee that he NEEDS to work with the Deaconator. Yeah, yeah whatever we see where this little ménage a trois is going. Unfortunately for all of us, Markus is so eager to be the meat in a Deacon-Rayna sandwich that he coins them “the dream team” and goes to the record store to stock up on every song Deacon ever released (I’m assuming they were in a cardboard box marked “Vintage”.) For a quick giggle, the original “dream team” refers to the ‘92 US basketball team in the Olympics, but sure, a recovering alcoholic who doesn’t play anymore, a country singer turned declining label owner and a surly rocker who everyone refuses to work with TOTES equals a dream team. Before they can even win a gold medal there’s a little tussle over changing lyrics for a song, Deacon handles it real well, by stomping around with his fingers in his ears and shouting that Markus obviously wants to bang one out with Rayna. Rayna is like WHO, ME?! *hair flip* then skips on over to Markus’s hotel—where he’s just stepping out of the shower in an open cardigan. Markus agrees that their relationship is just business then winks and closes the door. He’ll be forcing himself upon Rayna in due time. In due time. (Next week.) Something tells me there’s trouble amongst the dream team.

ALSO Gunnar finally writes a song that I like with NO whining whatsoever. He was supes inspired by slumming it with roadie Erin, who wears a fedora and touches statue bewbz. And for all the cringes in the world, Maddie goes full on BIIIIITCH and curb stomps her innocent lil sis by treating her like she’s a member of Barney and Friends then actually comparing her fashion sense to Kidz Bop. KIDZ BOP. I didn’t think there could be anything more insulting this episode. Have your ears ever bled to the tune of a chorus of children singing today’s pop hits? Just the commercial alone makes me want to go deaf forever. Seriously, whatever genius thought hey, I know how to make top ten radio hits catchier, let’s have children get in a recording studio and sing along to them like they’re performing at their 3rd grade concert! GENIUS. It’s like the Kars for Kids jingle, but 13 of them, on a CD, that’s sold for profit. GAH. But I digress, Maddie laughs right in Daphne’s face just for trying to be more like her and it’s terribly sad and I want to cuddle little Daphne bear and tell her it gets better but because they’re sisters they’ve made up five minutes later.

I never thought I’d say this but like…I think I want Teddy back. I mean I’m literally begging for the mayor who used to bang call girls and try to keep it on tha DL to come back to this show. That’s where we’re at. #FREETEDDY. Let’s get it trending, guyz.

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Nashville, Television, Uncategorized

Nashville- “Unguarded Moments”

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I forgot for a while how much I hated Maddie. She was still acting like a whiny teenage turd but she was doing it by having rebellious sex and hitting the stage instead of throwing huffy tantrums and crying about how life was unfair. But alas, Maddie the insufferable teen is back and dominates last night’s episode. She kicks things off by sending a selfie to her boyfriend (I’m assuming) followed by, “I’m blonde now, do you like it?” This is how Maddie sexts…from her little sister’s phone. EDGY. Also, wasn’t she always blonde? I’m not really seeing the difference.

Colt probably wasn’t very jazzed about his maybe girlfriend’s hair being lightened by a shade because he’s now in therapy. Ya know, cause he witnessed a death and his dad is a real d-bag lately. Seriously what’s the deal with Luke? He kinda sucks now. And how did Colt get stuck with his shitty parenting? Where are the other woodland creatures that he calls children…I feel like they got the better end of the deal in that they dodged watching a man tumble to his messy death. Regardless, Colt “doesn’t need Kid Rock or a therapist, he needs a dad who gives a crap about telling the truth.” BOOM. (My dad really wanted me to add a boom after that line. All boom credit goes to him.) But actually, Kid Rock? Really? The guy who ripped the riff from Sweet Home Alabama for a shitty summer country song is going to chit chat with Colt about hip hop? Be better, Luke.

Luke doesn’t try that hard to be better when he cries about how everything is his fault (it kinda is) and Gabriella kisses the pain away without being fired first this time. I guess they’ve decided to be together and like still focus on work too. He confesses to Colt so there are no secrets (except for the massive one he’s keeping about Jeff not actually committing suicide.) Colt’s like no shit, I know everything.

Rayna doesn’t really know anything because she’s been in the studio with Markus for like 2 full days while Deacon plays Mr. Mom to her little freshly bleached Satan. Something tells me Deacon is not really loving the whole parenting thing because he run, run, runs as fast as he can to that shitty bar to be named after his dead sis. To be clear, the bar is still a dumb story line that deserves no words and it’s starting to look like his friend and former sponsor Frankie is getting less and less jazzed about Deacon only paying halfsies and going demolition derby on the bar five minutes after buying in.

While Deacon is avoiding his home life by ripping dry wall, Scarlett is on the road and avoiding the fact that she has the most boring relationship in the world. How much longer are we going to put up with this? She had the dramatic hair change and now she needs to shed the high school boyfriend while she’s off at college, or in this case, on tour. They finally catch each other on the phone so that Caleb can pull the “I’m treating kids with cancer” card. Hey Caleb, youse a dick. Go away foreva.

Maybe he can join Erin the roadie when he leaves and finally allows Gunnar and Scarlett to be together so we stop getting this dumb musical sexual tension. As you might have guessed, the arrangement of keeping work and play separate is going swimmingly in that the second Gunnar gets a hotel for the night, play with Erin becomes priority. Due to the fact that little miss roadie prepped for the show by blowing Gunnar, she blows a fuse mid-show and ruins everything. That is, until Gunnar & Scarlett recover smoothly with an acoustic version lit by cell phones. The most unrealistic thing about this was that they didn’t end up blind after this song. I can’t see for 5 minutes after someone takes a picture with flash, I can’t imagine a small theater full of iphone lights burning my retinas. Anyway, thankfully Gunnar grows a set and tells Erin she needs to kick rocks because she clearly sucks at her job. She says she’ll take some pointers about running a soundboard and also will keep getting porked. UGH.

Double UGH to the breakup boys, Avery and Will. Avery is now recording commercial jingles and his life is pretty pathetic. He gossips about Will on the phone with Emily and they really need to stop trying so hard to make Avery and Emily seem like gal pals. She’s the babysitter, enough is enough. It turns out Will has been channeling his inner Taylor Swift, holed up in his bedroom writing breakup songs. This seems like a weird thing to hide so ferociously in Nashville, the songwriting capital of the world. He begrudgingly lets Avery perform one at the Bluebird but big-time shits his pants and leaves before the song. He really misses out too because Avery sheds some tears remembering when Juliette wasn’t a walking bottle of Vodka and in turn, a random blonde in the audience ALSO turns on the waterworks. Who cries at a concert?

Will gets an offer for his first written song that he thought was garbage, naturally, which is the opposite of Maddie’s sitch. She thinks she’s the greatest 16-year-old singer since JoJo and overhears that Sony wants to offer her a record deal but Rayna is like not so fast. YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE MOM GAWDDDDDD!!!!-Me, when my parents told me I couldn’t go to a sleepover or get the latest graphic tee from Abercrombie & Fitch…also Maddie when her mom won’t let her sign a record deal with Sony. Potato, Potahto.

Rayna has a heart to heart with Markus about her kids wanting to get into the biz and he’s NOT a dick for once. It’s great. Then it moves to the couch and gets more intimate and I bet my dad that he tries to hook up with her. I know studio Rayna, and I also know that this show has a real hard time letting two people have a private conversation that doesn’t end in macking. He grabs her hand and the sexual tension is through the roof. They didn’t end up making out but Markus TOTES wanted it, so in due time, I will win this bet. (The seed is planted, so to speak, when Deacon and Rayna do the deed later and Deacon rolls over post-romp to find a text from Markus thanking Rayna for the good talk. Deacon is about to become a green-eyed jelly belly. ALSO we NEVER get to see Rayna have sex anymore. So spicy!)

Maddie tries to tell Daphne that she got the record deal because she’s an adult now and just on another level. I guess I missed the part in society where becoming a sophomore in high school makes you an adult. Das cute, Mads. Daphne is like nobody wants me and runs away crying. Apparently the force of bully Maddie also extends to her father because Deacon has literally been avoiding the house because he thinks Maddie hates him. What a wiener. In the end they call a family meeting to tell the girls they can sign to Highway 65 as a team only. As expected, Maddie’s like this is lame and I hate everything and squashes all of Daphne’s childlike excitement about having a record deal before she gets her first period. In next week’s episode, Maddie turns into the Hulk and eats her entire family because they’re all trying to stop her from being a mature adult superstar.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Can’t Get Used to Losing You”

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In the event that you forgot or are still in shock to remember, Jeff Fordham tumbled to his plot twist death a couple weeks ago. Something tells me his ghost won’t be slithering around Nashville for episodes to come unwelcome like Bev’s did. That something is his blooming TV career, but who am I to jump to conclusions? What comes as no shock to anyone is that Juliette doesn’t even know Jeff died, because her brain is drowning in booze and pills. So the assumption is made that he committed suicide, which is a poetic assumed death for someone who was such a narcissistic buhhole.

Not so fast though—don’t forget we have our little eyewitness who turns out may not be so reliable because Luke finds an empty bottle of liquor in Colt’s room. Really bruh, you made it through a party and up to your room without getting caught and you couldn’t just toss the bottle in the hallway trashcan? I remember my first beer. At least he knows how to lay on the guilt when he wails that he came to find his dad but HE WASN’T EVEN THERE! YEAH. WHERE WERE YOU LUKE?! Oopsie he was just porkin his image consultant who he fired for a few hours. Turns out her name is Gabrielle. Literally took me 5 episodes to learn it. Gabrielle listens to Colt’s confession and tells him to zip it until she can figure out how to spin this. (She was re-hired with the sunrise.) Also Jeff has a sister and she’s a real Twat with a capital T. Sis essentially tells Layla that she was just a mouth to Jeff and will not be invited to the funeral. Harsh.

As if we weren’t all reeling from the death of a character that no one really liked, Nashville was like LET’S UP THE ANTE and present to us, SCARLETT WITH A BUZZCUT. Her tangled and wild forest of a mane has quite literally been mowed off of her scalp. Caleb sees it for the first time and is like YIKES boner kill…or something nicer, I’m not sure because I was actually yelling when she debuted the worst dramatic TV haircut since Felicity. A TV show trying to save a terrible character with a haircut is laughable and I’ll take my time lawling about this one. I’ll let you guys know when I stop having giggle outbursts every time G.I. Jane is in a scene.

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Even though nothing can be worse than Scarlett’s sudden impulse for a bald head, her chemistry with Caleb who’s already been around for far too long continues to be non-existent. As they grab a pre-tour dinner, Caleb’s toast is, “may The Exes future be as bright as your smile.” Scarlett responds by staring at her phone. These two are white hot. I don’t know how they’re not pawing each other right at the dinner table. Probably because they’re busy sleeping in each other’s presence since this relationship is the most boring thing to ever occur.

Gunnar is still trying to get over the fact that Scarlett is dating someone who makes her underwear drier than the Sahara and keeps casually sleeping with Erin the roadie. Then light bulb! Gunnar’s like hey you should come on tour and work for me. Not a big thang at all. No really, this story line will never be a big thing. It’s obviously a terrible decision for these two to work together and yet Gunnar agrees to it after he tries to whine about it to Will and is sternly told that everyone in America has bigger problems than this so kindly STFU.

Will and Avery become besties because they’re both sad about being dumped. What does one do when they have a case of the sadsies? Harmonize, obviously. Avery has an ugly cry one night thinking about what might have been with Juliette and right on cue Cadence is like Hey is someone crying and they didn’t invite me…how rude! And her screeches fill my ears once again. I almost got tricked too when she cracked a smile earlier in the episode. That little tease. Anyway, Will and Avery stand over her crib with goofy dad smiles and sing about her peeing in the pool. And she’s like that’ll do it, goodnight. Let’s resume my ear shattering shrieks in the morning, boys. At least that’s what I assume little miss shouts-a-lot is thinking as she decimates everyone’s eardrums.

While pretty much everyone is unaffected by Jeff’s death with most reactions spanning from “oh” to “really?” to “yeah that’s too bad”, Layla is destroyed. It doesn’t really help that their relationship was a secret and everyone’s like who dis when she tries to talk about how much they loved each other. I actually liked Will for a second when he is there to comfort Layla, and stay up all night to unpack her apt (which was packed to move in with Jeff.) What a sweetie he is when he’s caring about other people’s problems.

Juliette is the opposite of a sweetie when she tells Layla that she’s torn up about Jeff’s death because she has to get a new manager. She also aggressively tells Layla to forget about Jeff and get the F over his death already. This of course is right before she takes the stage for a tribute and says, “Jeff was my manager, he will be missed.” Damn, that’s deep. She really dug down for these sentiments. While she was digging around for emotions she happened to stumble upon the brown-out of her trip to the roof and Jeff actually saving her life. She finally asks for help and Layla takes the stage for a proper goodbye to Jeff, a yodeling song about their love. Does it make anyone else feel terrible that Layla’s entire existence is pitiful? If they don’t throw her character a bone soon they midas whale just kill her off too so at least she can reunite with her heart, Jeff. I mean girl went from marrying a gay guy and having a shitty reality show to being attacked by the press, drugged and left for dead in a pool, looked over by like every music label, underappreciated on Highway 65, in a secret relationship with her manager who was JUST about to go public with her and move in AAAAAND he’s dead. But for the GRAND finale—she thinks her boyfriend committed suicide. And she probably won’t ever know because Gabbers (formerly known as Luke’s bang buddy) checks Juliette into rehab and they sweep sweep sweep the truth of Jeff’s death under that giant Nashville rug o’ secrets. At this point killing Layla off would be a blessing; maybe everyone would appreciate her more after she’s gone, like Michael Jackson. I bet her record sales would skyrocket…she could do a concert in hologram. I’m just saying, only way to go is up, I guess?

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