Monthly Archives: February 2018

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – The One Where Ross Surprises Becca

After last week’s lead off with Arie and Kendall stuffing dead white mice in a creepy warehouse full of animal skins, I contemplated not only giving up on this season, but giving up on this trash ass franchise as a whole. Instead, I gave myself a break, didn’t subject myself to the hometown visits or the women tell all and I’m back at it for the final 2 episodes feeling rejuvenated after watching about 10 zillion hours of One Tree Hill in the past week. I’m ready to finish off this season with minimal interest and stories about myself. No need to update me on what I missed because it can be summed up in 30 seconds. Tia is gone, Arie still has 0.0% chemistry with the remaining plain bagels and apparently Krystal decided to start using her real voice once she saw how much America hated her. Ok, let’s bop to Ica, Peru for the final three smash suites.

Kendall

K-money laces up her hiking boots that match perfectly with her crop top. EYE. ROLL. It’s fitting that the girl who wears a crop top on every date is being questioned if she’s ready for marriage. Arie mauls her face in the middle of a desert and says that he missed her. A guy drives them around sand dunes and they act like they’re on a rollercoaster and giggle a lot. Kendall isn’t ready to get married so this is a GIANT waste of time. Déjà vu to hawt Peter from last season shooting himself in the foot in the same way. Kendall wants to know if Arie sees her as a wife in spite of the fact that she likes to manhandle dead animals. He answers by kissing her and inviting her to the fantasy suite. Kendall takes this time to give us a 20-minute speech as to why she’s decided to bone him. If this is any indication, we’re 15 mins into the ‘sode and already filling space. BUCKLE YO SEATBELTS.

In the morning, Arie said they were up all night talking. Ya, ok…TAWWWLKKKING. They discuss about how they each like their eggs and all I can think of is Date Mike and it’s more entertaining than anything that has ever happened on this show.

date mike

Lauren

Real talk, does Lauren have a pulse? Because honestly the only time I’ve seen these two bozos together there’s just complete silence. WTF is their relationship? Basically Lauren is just terrified and Arie only knows how to say yeah. Arie spends the evening portion of the date reassuring Lauren and convincing her that she should be there. He says he loves her and obviously she doesn’t say much back because she’s basically a mute. For the record, “Don’t cry, I love you” is probably one of the ickiest sentences ever uttered. Lauren says from the beginning her and Arie have had this unspoken connection. Um, could it be because they actually don’t speak to each other? A shitty version of Leann Rimes “How Do I Live” plays as Arie and Lauren make out then find their way to the bed. So apparently we’re watching an episode of a 90’s teen soap now. How do I live through another episode of this, amirite? The next morning, Lauren says, “I can’t see Arie ending up with anyone else but me.” KISS OF DEATH, LAUREN, KOD.

Becca

Becca hasn’t said she loves Arie yet and she’s decided to hold onto that tidbit until later in the date. Someone should tell Becca that Arie already told the mute he loves her. Time to catch up or get off the catamaran. She finally grows a set and tells him. He says back that he’s also in love. UGH WHAT A DUM DUM. When will these bholes learn that girls who are insecure about you dating other girls at the same time WILL NOT BE OKAY WITH YOU TELLING MULTIPLE GIRLS YOU LOVE THEM? The answer is obviously never. Arie says he wants to propose to Becca right now and end it. So like, does he actually love Lauren orrrrr?

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In attempts to stir up any sort of drama and wake us all up, Becca’s ex Ross shows up at Arie’s doorstep dressed for a summer wedding. Arie goes “why is hotel management here?” Sick roast, Air-y. Ross tells Arie that Becca is the love of his life and he wants to marry her. Becca hears him out on the front steps of her bungalow before she promptly tells Ross that life isn’t like the Notebook. Wait, so you’re telling me Ryan Gosling will not build me a house and wait for me to find him then make sweet, sweet love to me in it? Well let me just go kill myself real quick. Either way, Becca is not having it. Especially when Ross says he talked to “that guy” whose name he can’t recall. That’s when she really lays down the hammer. Ross, you done goofed. He says he wishes her the best and has no business being here.

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(PS he’ll be insta-famous by sundown tonight.)

Arie is concerned that someone he’s about to propose to has too much baggage named Ross. Good thing he kept his options open by saying he loves and sees a future with two girls. At the rose ceremony, Arie pulls Kendall aside to talk to her and break up with her in the most uncomfortable way possible. He basically thanks her for that amazing night of “talking” and then says he doesn’t know. We all know, Arie. Even Kendall was like yeah I get it, thanks for the memz. If Kendall ends up Bachelorette and we’re in for a whole season of animal carcass touchin, you can count me ALL THE WAY OUT.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/12/18

1. LEAVE JEN ALONE.

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Jennifer Aniston is America’s Sweetheart. You know it, I know it, Brad Pitt knows it. As America’s Sweetheart, the media can’t stop crawling up her ass and being all up in her shit 24/7. When Brad left her for that skankwad homewrecker pretending to be a charitable activist and they adopted 5 million kids, everyone was like POOR JEN — SHE’LL BE SINGLE FOREVER. When she started dating Justin Theroux they were all like OMG she’s rebounding and trying to find love when her heart is still broken. When it was clear that they were in it for the long haul but hadn’t tied the knot yet, it was all about how she’ll never settle down again, which quickly turned into a 5 year bump watch. When she declared that she wasn’t pregnant it was like poor Jen she’ll never have a family. And now LOOK WHERE WE ARE, AMERICA. You did this. You broke up Jen and Justin. Not me. You. And now homegirl has to listen to everyone dissect her 7 year relationship, say how it never worked because she never got over Brad, then speculate a Brad/Jen reunion for the next 5 years. Brad is human garbage. Jen is a G-D goddess. I hope you think long and hard about what you did here, America. Also, Jen, give me a call gurl, I’m also going through a breakup and wouldn’t hate it if you swept me away to Mexico for a little recovery girls trip ❤ We’ll get through this together.

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2. Shotgun Wedding.

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I was once a shipper of Amy Schumer. Mostly because I’m a disgusting female who doesn’t like to pretend that I’m ladylike in any way, shape, or form. Then Amy started going a little too far. She was embracing the “I’m a slut who probably has a drinking problem” a little TOO much and I was like hmmm, not my cup of tea. My tipping point was probably around the time when I saw her standup show live and she was visibly hammered. Could’ve just run into you at a bar like that tbh, didn’t need to drop $40 on a ticket. All opinions aside, Amy casually got married to a guy she’s been dating for like 3 months. It was a secret wedding but OF COURSE cool grl Jennifer Lawrence was there because they’re like besties or whatever. Gonna be honest, already looks like JLaw stole the spotlight. Anyway, hope it works out for ya!

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3. Scary Em is Back.

Here’s the latest music video for Eminem’s unlikely collab with everyone’s favorite angel-voiced Brit. I loved the song when I first heard it because well, Ed. Didn’t really expect it to take this dark turn with the video but oh boy, it did. In a borderline documentary (honestly not sure if it’s real or fake) Eminem basically destroys a marriage and forces the married chick he’s been boning to get an abortion. YIKES Em. NOT GREAT.  Since I’m a big music video guy, I lapped up every minute of this extended drama but if we’re comparing volatile relationship music videos from Eminem, Love the Way You Lie still takes the cake for me.

4. Ginger Jules.

I’m not sure how one “identifies as a red head” but it is 2018 after all and apparently that’s a thing too. Being born knowing you’re supposed to have a different hair color as if that affects your personality/outlook on life. Or like, choosing to be a ginger. HMMM. After JoJo’s season on the Bachelorette I decided that I needed a hair change, as every girl does from time to time, but I didn’t want to fully commit. So I collected pics of sunkissed ombre / scattered blonde pieces just like this…

JOJO

…and true to every hair coloring experience ever, I unexpectedly walked out of the salon a full-on blonde. Thank God it was summer and I was tan or we would’ve had a real situation on our hands. Either way, I didn’t post on Instagram the minute my head was dyed that I was born to be a blonde. And I didn’t act any different because my hair was bleached. I probably would’ve worn a backwards trucker hat every day that summer anyway. CRUSHED IT. #onceyougoblondeyoudresslikealez

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But anyway, enough about me, thank God she matched her eyebrows though.

5. I just love Blake so much.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BfPhnH6AVOi/?taken-by=blakelively

meryl

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – On the Precipice of Falling in Love

Tuscany

Jacqueline is at a point where she feels like she could make the decision to fall in love.

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Let’s Fall in Love Under the Tuscan Sun with Becca

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They drive an old hot rod into town and Arie shows us he sucks at Italian when he orders a loaf of bread. On their picnic, Becca reassures Arie that she likes him and is here for him. WHY?! He should be reassuring you instead of giving you literally nothing and speaking shitty Italian!

Later, Becca reassures Arie more by saying she’s falling for him and wants him to meet her family and he’s like thank you, here’s a rose. I really genuinely like Becca and therefore I hope that she doesn’t end up with Arie. She does make me doubt her choices when she takes her shoes off outside to make out with Arie against a wall.

In subplot that makes me go WTF this week…Jacqueline cries to Kendall that she has doubts about how feasible this relationship is. But really, she’s using words like feasible and precipice to decode if she likes Arie or not. Go home, Jacqueline, you’re drunk. It’s aggressive that this is made into a do or die storyline but I guess this is what happens when your only villain gets kicked off. Jacqueline goes to Arie’s room, swigs his wine, rubs the back of his head and tells him she’s not confident in her feelings for him. After one date, Jacqueline doesn’t want to be married to Arie and living in Scottsdale. Then she grabs his face so hard and kisses it, I’m actually afraid. We are witnessing the worst part about this show. Put a bunch of women on TV to fight for a guy’s affection and let all of their relationship insecurities run wild. WOOF. Not for nothing, but I noticed as J was manhandling Arie’s head that she’s wearing a claddagh ring facing inward. So like, maybe go home to your boyfriend. Either way, forcefully making out with Arie, sobbing, and incessantly touching her hair isn’t helping her create feelings for this dud, so she bids the pack adieu.

This Looks so Italian! with Lauren B

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They ride bikes and Arie shows off by standing on his bike probably trying to get any sort of reaction out of Lauren. She smiles and says nothing. Stop trying to kill yourself to impress Lauren, it’s never going to happen, Arie. Over some native ‘za, Lauren expresses that Arie would be the first guy introduced to her parents since her ex fiancé. Pressure’s on. Little bambinos kick the soccer ball at Arie to interrupt this incredibly awkward convo and Arie’s like HEY, LET’S JOIN THESE STREET CHILDREN WITHOUT AN INVITE. As my friend Kristi pointed out, Lauren then has to play soccer in a strapless bra, which is pretty much the worst thing that could happen in Italy, or like anywhere

At dinz, Lauren B says she’s starting to fall in love and Arie literally just peaces out. Like gets up and walks away from her. I’m secondhand mortified for LB. The first time she speaks more than 4 words and he’s like BYEEEEE. One time a guy in a bar walked away from me and when he returned he admitted that he farted and needed to take a lap to air it out. Upon Arie’s return he said he needed to walk away because he’s falling deeply in love with Lauren. It’d be much more acceptable if he too needed to walk upwind of his gas. MAJOR BACHELOR FAUX PA. Remember when sweet, dumb, unlovable Ben Higgins told two girls he loved them? That went real well. Jus sayin.

Pups in a Winery with Seinne

Blah, blah, blah, Seinne is WAY TOO good for Arie and therefore this date is super pointless. They make heart shaped pizzas, which is a perfect segue for me to tell a story about myself (again.) When I was studying abroad in Florence like the white privileged basic betch that I am, I learned how to put away an entire pizza, plus a lot of Carlsberg beers, plus a lot of kebabs. Most importantly, I learned that if I went to Gusta pizza and the boys made me a heart-shaped pizza, I was looking like a dime that day. If I came in hungover and unshowered, I could expect a regular ass circle pie like the human garbage that I was. Bottom line, I hope Seinne appreciated that heart shaped pizza. Mi Manchi, Gusta. (Yes, I Google translated that because 3 years of Italian and a semester in Italy and I retained absolutely nothing.) Also, of course Arie sends her home. All the girls are so shocked, especially the elf on the shelf/Bill Cosby/Gilligan/Fat Albert/Jeopardy Guy, etc.

 

The Other Three “Date”

Arie says, “Ciao, Ciao, Ciao” giving me hard flashbacks to when every creeper Italian on this earth would shout Ciao Bella at me in a rapey way. Bekah is not having a great outfit episode. She goes from her triple XL red sweater with a white collared shirt to Little House on the Prairie. Tia has concerns for Arie wanting to be called Daddy by a 22 year old who dresses like a monk and what that might mean for her relationship. Credit where credit’s due though, Tia also tells Bekah she talked mad shit. Bekah sobs and runs right into Arie’s arms for cuddles & comforts and possibly a quick lullaby. After she calms down, Arie wants to know about her family because he knows they disapprove of this process. Bekah chooses not to disclose that her mom disapproved so much that she reported her own child missing. Bekah says she’s getting white hairs because she’s like, so old. No…really. And then, OUTTA LEFT FIELD, Kendall gets the first rose!

An outfit change later, Bekah tells Arie, “Have a little faith in my 22-year-old self.” She gets sent home. Arie cries about not seeing their lives together but also because he really, really wanted to bone Bekah.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Au revoir Baby Voice

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Chris Harrison: Welcome to paris, Man!

Arie: Thanks, Dude

#BROMANCE.

Something French with Lauren B.

Arie tells Lauren he was saving this date for her. Which seems like a real load of bullshit. They take a walking tour of the city (what a special date to save) and Lauren says wow a bunch of times. She is a less talkative Lauren B from Ben Higgins’ season. The B stands for boring and that’s obvious. Arie comes off a little desperate for someone who’s dating 10 other girls right now. He says he’s looking for reassurance from Lauren that she likes him. He can’t stop repeating in different variations that he has a boner for her but there’s not a lot of brain activity happening up top.

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At dinner, Lauren confesses that she friend zones everyone and doesn’t feel like she can open up until she trusts someone. So like this certainly is not the show for her. Arie in turn confesses that he knocked up his last serious girlfriend. She lost the baby and left him all at the same time. For once, Lauren B reacts with something other than “wow.” Kind of an unexpected turn of events to slip that story in there, Arie. The shocking story helps Lauren to open up a little more and therefore get rosed.

Let’s Get All Dressed Up with Becca, Bekah, Seinne, Tia, Jenna & Chelsea

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It’s this season’s choreography date where the dancers crush it and the awkward birds (like me) look like spazzoids and probably cry about it! Good thing the Bachelor doesn’t allow fatties to participate because the girls all suit up in two piece bedazzled thongs for the Moulin Rouge main act. Black boxes GALORE covering up all these bholes. After Arie inspects each individual buhhole strutting across the stage, he hangs with all the girls before announcing which HPOA gets the rose and stage time. It’s Bekah, you know the one whose known to not call her mom and end up on a missing persons list? She sobs it up like an itty bitty baby. A missing one, at that. In a brutal turn of events, all of the rejects have to watch Bekah shake her 22-year-old T&A all over Arie from the audience.

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We’ll Always Have Paris with Kendall & Krystal

This is what happens when you only have one villain for a two on one date. We get the most random match up ever. Arie goes into the giant maze and whichever girl finds him first gets time with him. What a tactic. I for one would’ve just left right there. One time I did a corn maze with my friend that was set up for children and we were in there for hours freaking out that we may never resurface again. The sun was starting to set. There might have been tears and a whole lot of panic. When we finally emerged at dusk, the smartass teenager running it ROASTED us in front of everyone and basically told us we were mentally challenged. So yeah, if any man asked me to find him in a maze I’d chuck up my deuces immediately. Lucky for Kendall, who ends up back at the beginning, a PA steers her in the right direction and she’s found Arie by the time the commercial break is over.

Krystal blubbers a whole lot of um’s to Arie about how they’re connecting and working through a challenge then uses her remaining time to say Kendall shouldn’t be there and isn’t ready for love. In typical 2 on 1 date fashion, Arie then repeats this verbatim to Kendall to see how she’ll handle it. She holds her own then tries to kill Krystal with kindness after and tell her that she understands her and sees the beauty within her. It’s super weird and gives me all the uncomfies. Probably because Kendall literally scoots closer to touch Krystal’s arm while that little baby porny voiced B stares up at the sky with dead eyes. It’s not a part of her snakey script so she cannot comprehend what’s happening.

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The date is extended to dinner because Arie can’t decide. He finally gives Kendall the rose because he “sees more promise in their relationship.” YOU GOT SERVED, KRYSTAL. BOOYAH. Her fake ass monologue about wanting to feel accepted and good enough plays in between cuts of Kendall and Arie watching the Eiffel Tower light show and jamming their tongues down each other’s throats. Again, not to brag but I knew Krystal had one more week left in her before she was tossed. It’s like this show is scripted or something. HMMMMM.

Let’s Meet Jaqueline for the first time before she probably gets sent home…

We are mere seconds into the date and the one whose studying to get her PHD SAYS THIS?! RLY?! “It is hot when guys who know things about things, do things about things.” Arie buys Jacqueline a fancy dress to wear to their dinner date where he admits that she’s far too intelligent for him. HEY GIRL, THAT’S A RED FLAG. ARIE IS DUMB. AND INTIMIDATED BY YOUR SMARTNESS. AND WANTS A GIRL TO MOVE TO LA WITH AND PROMOTE SHIT ON INSTAGRAM. When J-Dawg talks about her 6 year plan of getting her PHD, Arie tells her that he feels like he’s holding her back. She then quickly offers to do whatever in order to date him. And this is a role model for you, ladies! Dream, schreams, if a guy chooses you, that’s all that matters! Woof this date is cringeworthy, especially when Arie gives her the rose and says they’ll figure it out. Start researching Fit Tea!

Roses: Lauren, Bekah, Kendall, Jaqueline, Tia, Seinne, Becca

Guess Arie doesn’t want to be a dad, see ya Chelsea! Next up, Tuscany!

PS The editing team tries to throw one hell of a sizzle reel together to fake us all out into believing that this show might actually get interesting this season. I’m gonna go ahead and spoil it for you, it won’t.

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Music, Television

TimberBowl Recap

I haven’t made it a regular thing to recap the Super Bowl. In fact, the last time I did was #49, the year of Left Shark and my very first Super Bowl win that affected my life. The Pats won, I was working in downtown Boston and got to pretend to be a fan in order to leave work for 90% of the day and watch the parade. Gronk pointed at me, I creeped on Brady and Edelman, it was a win win for everyone really. (Not so much this year…ZING.) Anyway, I got carried away there, the point of the story is, I’m gonna try and recap the Super Bowl for content again. And by recap I obviously mean laugh it up over some commercials and drool over mah main man JT.

Top Three Commercials (The only three that made me laugh):

Sprint Robots. I have the sense of humor of a five year old and this commercial was right up my alley. Robot looks this doc right in the eye and tells him he has a dumb face. BOOM. ROASTED. BY A ROBOT.

Doritos Blaze / Mountain Dew Ice. I’ve been a huge fan of Lip Sync Battle ever since it was just a sketch on Fallon and this is why. Having a celeb commit to performing someone else’s song and nailing every word is impressive. It’s even better when it’s not even close to what you expected coming out of their mouth. Peter Dinklage rapping Busta perfectly followed by Morgan Freeman doing Missy? Yes, please.

NFL Dirty Dancing. Odell Beckham Jr. and Eli Manning did the Dirrrrty and since we know OBJ has moves for days, they gave Eli the lead. And let me tell you, he was stiff as a board. Not one hip swivel that would’ve made Patrick Swayze proud.

Creepiest Commercial Award goes to: Steven Tyler driving a Kia and coming out of it a wax statue of his younger years. Seeing that was ALMOST as rough as his janky ass toes that he flaunts all over the joint.

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And finally, the real reason for this event…TIMBERBOWL TIME.

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JT kicked it off with Filthy (which I called, NBD but KBD), he struts his stuff and grinds on some betches and it’s gametime. He then dives into a medley of nothin but the hits, which isn’t really news because JT has only been putting out bangers for the past 20 years. What we do need to address is his wooftastic outfit. Busy AF mountain patterned coordinated separates, as he’s flanked by dancers wearing army green gauchos and red suspenders. YIKES. He’s really embracing this woodsy vibe I guess. This was strike one of the performance. (Adding a jacket for Suit & Tie on top of that barfarama didn’t help matters either, nor did it distract from that red handkerchief hanging from his neck.)

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#SBLII #PepsiHalftime @Pepsi @NFL #MOTW @thetnkids

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Strike two was taking it down halfway through for a piano solo and casual Prince projection that he played along with. I get that Prince is from Minnesota so it was supposed to be a nice tribute but like, odd way to do it. Shouts to the purple lights over the city though, cause that was cooler than watching a VHS projected on a bedsheet hanging behind his piano.

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Most importantly let’s talk about Mirrors and how it gave me chills and will continue to do so until the end of time. I wish the entire halftime performance was just him performing Mirrors, uncut. I would watch that all day, erreday. Oh yeah, and some 13 year old wiener got to take a billion selfies with JT during the trolls finale and clearly didn’t know the words to Can’t Stop the Feeling, which you have to be a moron not to know the words to. GET IT TOGETHER, KID. The internet has immediately roasted him for not having a clue who Justin even is. So now we’ve made him even more famous. Eye roll.

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Overall rating: Safe halftime show, wooftastic wardrobe, entertaining obviously but could’ve used more fun stuff (like maybe an N*SYNC reunion). Also that dancing?! Undie slush city.

PS Everyone can F all the way off with this shit about JT creating controversy by performing Rock Your Body without Janet Jackson. HEY WORLD, JANET JACKSON IS IRRELEVANT, JT GETTING THE HALFTIME SHOW IS NOT AN ATTACK ON HER OR HER RACE. STFU.

BONUS: Since I stayed up WAY past my bed time. Like WAY WAY (talking 2am, folks) to watch Jack Pearson traumatically die and then FINALLY the tonight show. Here’s some clippy clips. JT and JFall continued to make me giggle and feel as though I am a part of their bromance as they do silly voices and have inside jokes. Me too, guys! I’m in this too! Also Justin continued his new “outdoorsy” lewk with jeans, tims, a bright orange shirt and camo jacket. I’m a little peeved with him replacing the fedora with this weird Marv from Home Alone beanie. But whatevs. He performed two songs as well but lezzz be real, I stayed up just to watch him act like an idiot with his BFF Jimmy.

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