Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Will Power”

yosilkythreads

Look I don’t want to start hating yet another biddy on this show but Rinna’s inching her way onto my list and I’m not loving it. She kicks it off by showing up to Kyle’s obnoxious clothing store to cash out on her birthday gift. The gift she’s referring to, of course, is when Mauricio showed up to her party empty-handed and said she could pick out something from Forever A Former Child Star or whatever Kyle’s fashion venture is. That was Mauricio’s way of saying Hey I didn’t get you anything so rip off my wife’s store because I paid to start this little side project of hers anyway. Rinna was like oh you didn’t have to!!! But then shows up to the store with her palms extended looking for a handout. Rinna’s got a lot of balls pretending she’s not that rich and then a mere 20 minutes later having a personal vag waxer arrive at her mansion. Her waxer is named Eiko (because of course she’s foreign) and proceeds to stick a butter knife up Rinna’s buhhole while talking about how she has a wrinkly ass. I could’ve lived my entire life without ever seeing Rinna spread eagle on her bedroom floor with a butter knife inserted in her downstairs and I’m afraid it’s an image that will never leave my brain. Bottom line: Rinna is not down to earth. She has been paying an immigrant to de-grizzly her RB curtz for 17 years. That’s Beverly Hills.

Screen Shot 2015-12-30 at 10.29.11 AM

You know what else is SOOO Beverly Hills? Tossing your PET SWAN Hanky into the back of your Range Rover like it’s not an angry bird that belongs in the wild and not cuddled in your lap for a quick joy ride. I’ve had it up to here* with Lisa’s animal shit this season. *To be clear, “here” is above my head, and I’m a lot taller than a mini horse. Hanky has a stomach infection probably because it’s fed prime rib or something and rode in style to the vet, who declared he’s fine because he’s biting everyone who touches him. What a friendly pet. Once he’s feeling better it’s apparently okay for Lisa to follow it around and keep choking its neck so that it sits in her lap nicely. It gave me very real and traumatic flashbacks to the kids next door to my parents grabbing their puppy by its head because they’re definitely not old enough to know how to properly care for a pet. Hands home, Lisa.

hanky

After patiently waiting, fans were rewarded with an Erika group meet so the other ladies can look their future enemy in the eye. First she’s eased in when Yolanda introduces her to Kyle at the park. They’re gathering to take a walk but what that really means is walk to the closest bench and sit down to chat. Kyle and Erika HIT IT OFF because they both have long shiny hair and popped out a child before they were old enough to drink. Then Kyle takes some time to exhaust her theory about Yolanda maybe just being depressed. Fingers crossed this is the last time we have to hear this dumb dribble. Yolanda is like yeah okay whatever. Then they suggest TOTALLY OFF THE CUFF that maybe all the girls gather for a drink so they can meet the new co-star who will be paid to hang out with them. Erika reveals that she only hangs out with gay men. Who would have ever guessed that this Barbie lookin chick with a 76-year-old husband and a questionable club music career can’t hang with other girls? Red flag city, population: Erika Jayne. Let’s see how she does with a group of girls that do not encourage her to pat her puss constantly.

erika

Did anyone know that Eileen won an Emmy for her work in soap operas? Well YOU SHOULD. Lisa and Kyle take her job REALLY seriously when they play hide and seek on the Young and the Restless set and make unfunny jokes about how they’re too rich for vending machines. Then they go for drinks with Erika so Kyle can slobber all over her and Lisa can show how jelly she is of Erika’s life.

Erika’s first mistake is that she wears pink heels to the outing and didn’t she know that pink is LISA’S COLOR? Duh. She bought the actual rights to the color, along with two tiny horses that are probably already dead. Don’t worry about Kyle and Erika getting along though because they’re both like, so much fun, so what more could two women have in common? Million dollar diamond best friend necklaces in the making. Obviously Erika talks all about her alter ego and the girls are like omggg so FUNNNNNNNNN. Eileen shows her age and lack of coolness when she’s like everyone wants to be a disco queen. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Erika’s auto-tuned club jams while she writhes around in a sheer bodysuit isn’t what Eileen had in mind for disco queen. There’s a little chatter about sex with men above the age of 70, which is just about as disturbing as watching Rinna’s grundle get waxed earlier. Apparently no one at Bravo cares about me keeping my dinner down. Eileen the wannabe-disco-queen shuts that talk down right about the same time that Kyle does a fresh hip-implant humping impression. God bless you, Eileen.

Of course it wouldn’t be a weekly installment of the ladies if they didn’t question Yolanda’s entire existence on this earth or something and make her feel like a bag of Lyme disease trash. Yo’s latest procedure is to get her breast implants removed, so she’s still not feeling on the up and up. Kyle has convinced herself she might have Lyme disease because she’s a moron. And then Yolanda says, a friend told me Taylor was talking shit, which is Bravo speak for: a producer showed me a clip of that big mouth trashing my Valencia filters. Eileen gets confused, probably still jarred by the fact that two of the ladies just detailed their geriatric husbands’ sex life, and thinks Yo is referring to Rinna’s little Munchausen’s wiki from last week. YIKERONIS. Rinna may have a hairless downstairs, but she’s about to be in a hairy situation with Yolanda thanks to Eileen’s blabathon. See what I did there? I made something disgusting into a segue. You’re welcome. That’s why I get paid the big bucks.

Anyway, Yolanda is like I don’t have time for all this bullshit and peaces out because seriously she’s above it. Also she’s late for a VERY tearworthy discussion of her will with the kiddies. What a downer way to end the episode. So instead let’s talk about how next week everyone will be in the Hamptons and Erika will be joining in so she’ll probably have her first girl fight because there’s no way this bitch doesn’t ruffle somebody’s feathers. But I bet her and Kyle will have SO MuCh F-U-N!

RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Horsing Around”

lisahorse

Just cause we haven’t seen enough of the lavish European vacation; we kick off last night’s episode with Kyle and Lisa shopping in Italy. Kyle LOVES shopping in Europe because she likes telling people they can’t buy the same top as her unless they yacht to the Italian coast. What a twat. From the looks of it, they’re shopping on the Ponte Vecchio. To put things in perspective for us peasants, I studied abroad in Florence and the only time I walked across the Ponte Vecchio (the bridge of gold and expensive jewels) was to get to my favorite pizza place. In fact, I bought all the men in my family memorabilia covered in the statue of David’s dick. Now THAT’S how you shop in Florence.

florenceshopping

We also get a rare peek into Eileen’s lair, formerly known as a 65 year old’s cluttered attic. We see what Eileen is like in the morning after she’s had a cup of coffee and I would never want to have a sleepover with this bitch. Chipper city. Also what was the point of Eileen decluttering her house when she still LOST AN IPAD IN IT. She quite literally hid her iPad from her son and now CAN’T FIND IT in her trunk show that is a home. While trying to yip yap post-caffeine surge to her husband and son, Eileen teaches us all a little something when she says, “I don’t know what it is about men and boys, they can’t hear a female voice.” Eileen isn’t stupid. That’s scientific fact. Men physically are deaf to women. It’s been tested.

And of course, for your latest installment of pointless dinners specifically for nasty-other-cast-member gossip, Rinna, Eileen and Kyle gather. This dinner’s plot twist? Both Eileen and Rinna are wearing leopard. OMGAW flashback to when Brandi and Rinna matched in leopard. Moral of the story, it’s time for Rinna to declare the rule ala Mean Girls that no one else in the group can wear leopard print. It would be downright embarrassing if this happened a third time. Anyway, there’s some fodder about Kim escaping from rehab, which makes me laugh out loud to think of a woman who regularly tweeted “I love turtles”, devising a plan to snake her way out. Kyle feels bad talking shit about Kim so she shifts the topic to Yolanda, so can bring up her theory of depression again to a fresh set of ears. Just call her Dr. Richards. Boom. Yolanda is diagnosed and probably cured.

Speaking of morons doing moron things, Lisa and Rinna take a private jet to Ohio so that they can wear cowboy hats in the Midwest and look like a couple of assholes. En route, Lisa says she has her 4:45 AM face on and guess what? It looks like the face she has painted on at every other hour of the day. #IWokeUpLikeThis. I never ranked Lisa as a dum dum but when she asked if Ohio was expecting a hurricane I was stunned. Then she rolled the window down in the middle of a rainstorm and was surprised when water came pouring into the limo. New discovery: Lisa is real stupid. It also turns out the mini horse is super chunky and has a bum leg…probably from trying to support all that weight. They jet back without the horse that will most likely be sent to the glue factory. T’s and P’s for Rosebud. (That was her name right? Who knows. It was wearing a pink tutu to distract from its dead leg.)

Screen Shot 2015-12-15 at 10.56.09 PM

Side note: Rinna has a kickass leather jacket collection. I want all in on that.

FINALLY we get a new character. Erika Girardi makes her colorful debut as Yolanda’s “friend.” They do something with IV’s (all YoYo does anymore) where Erika tells us, ‘”I’m 44 years old but I look great.” I can already tell she’s going to be fun to recap. THEN we get more back-story. Erika was a cocktail waitress and married her customer, a famous lawyer (ala Erin Brockovich) who happens to be twice her age. She calls him Mr. Girardi and it’s SO creepy. Lotta Anna Nicole Smith comparisons to be drawn with this one. Girl also has an alter ego named “Erika Jane”. Alter ego Erika is someone who belongs in a Vegas strip club but APPARENTLY has topped the billboards several times with dance jams. Bravo is really filling the void left behind by Carlton’s sexual prowess. Erika throws on a see-through onesie and practices her writhing choreography that is very popular in the Red Light District. I’m rubbing my hands together with glee for what’s to come with Erika once she meets all her newly hired gal pals and alcohol is in the mix!

And since we haven’t quite celebrated it enough, Ken’s 70^th birthday deserves a lavish English tea decorated for a woman. Lisa’s party trick is leaving a tree of extravagant hats at the entrance and making the ladies try to kiss each other’s cheeks by way of hat brims. They CAN’T EVEN and it’s hilarious. A party is the perfect occasion for the ghosts of housewives past to remind us that they’re still alive. Taylor’s moving back cause Real Housewives of Denver never really took off. Camille also rolls through and we didn’t get to see nearly enough of her.

Instead they focus on Taylor and her big honking mouth as she shouts about how she “likes” Yolanda’s instas out of pity but really is exhausted with her posts. Hey Taylor, it’s called unfollow. Stop trying so hard to be relevant. Kyle draws attention to her hat and lipstick combo no less than 10 times and Lisa gives a dirty toast to Ken referring to his current age. If I was Pandora I would jump off a bridge at my parents joking about 69’ing each other at dad’s birthday dinner.

It starts to rain and god forbid it rain when everyone is wearing hats…Kyle takes the rain as a sign to liven things up and suddenly all the girls are in the pool. It’s nips out for the boys because the ladies are all conveniently free-boobin’ it in white dresses. Lisa complains about this impromptu swim ruining her classy high tea and YET her hot pink thong is out to play. In the end, Ken is pushed in the pool and I literally thought he was dead. I gasped as he lie there lifeless for a second before all the bitches in see through dresses surrounded him and bounced around like a scene straight out of the Playboy mansion. Except everyone’s super old, not just Hef (or in this case, Ken…who as it turns out, survived his near drowning.)

Screen Shot 2015-12-16 at 7.39.02 AM

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor S20: Ranking the Contestants

Screen Shot 2015-12-13 at 10.52.05 PM

Christmas has arrived, everyone…the Bachelor contestants have been released with their idiotic bios and their Lifetouch yearbook portraits like presents we get to unwrap early! JOY TO THE WORLD! Let’s judge them and predict favorites…

In the spirit of ABC going on it’s 20th season of strangers fighting for a man’s love on camera, they’ve decided they can pretty much do whatever the F they want–as we saw last Bachelorette with the 2 woman showdown for the title. Thus allowing producers to cast two girls we’ve seen before…which seems a whole lot like cheating. Naht my problem these girls didn’t find love the first time…therefore I’ve placed both ladies at the bottom of the list on principle.

Amber, 30

Amber

Amber was on Farmer Chris’s season and was so riveting the first time around that this is what I wrote about her after the premiere:

Screen Shot 2015-12-08 at 7.43.15 PM

Props for getting a colorist but other than that she’s still a bartender and her bio still straight up put me to sleep. Enough is enough, Amber. Please find something else to do with your time and stop coming back for sloppy seconds on this franchise.

Becca, 26

Becca

Obviously Becca made it to the finale with Chris. She’s cute and southern and pure but like other than that…here’s my first impression from Becca last Bachelor season:

Screen Shot 2015-12-08 at 7.43.27 PM

So three cheers for ABC bringing back two boring duds. Out of the two though, I’m leaning toward Becca cause: “Biggest date fear: Having stomach issues and clogging up a toilet, a la Dumb and Dumber.” Lolz, toilet humor.

Tiara, 26

Tiara

The girl named after a crown has only one thing on her mind: CHICKENS. Her occupation is “Chicken Enthusiast”, her guilty pleasure is holding random chickens and she couldn’t live without her chickens. No seriously, she referred to chickens three times. Hey, Tiara, we get it. You’ve got a bird fetish and therefore you’re weird. Get outta here. I also find it lolworthy that she loves touching chickens but IS AFRAID OF DOGS.

Emily, 22

Emily Twin 1

Haley, 22

Haley Twin2

Look I was all for treating these two as separate human beings despite the fact that ABC is using them as a plot twist. But I kid you not, their occupation was listed as “Twin” AND they’re wearing the same shirt in the above photos…therefore they will now be treated as one. These bitches are fresh out of college (assuming they went to college) and looking for a husband. Find your chill. They were cheerleaders in Las Vegas. Bai.

Jessica, 23

Jessica

Jessica is an accountant from Florida and to be honest that’s about all I took from her bio. Snooze city.

Mandi, 28

mandi

I’m sure Mandi’s a great gal but I took one look at this picture and the fact that she describes her “legs for days” and all I could think of is that leggy lesbian Faith from Unreal. And that’s a comparison I’m not ready to overcome.

FaithUnreal

Lace, 25

Lace

I’m not even quite sure how to approach this name. Is it a cute way of spelling Lacy? Is it literally just the fabric Lace? Who knows. What we do know is that via an embarrassing story, we learned that Lace doesn’t know how to flush a toilet. Cause one time she dropped a deuce then invited a guy over and he found it. And they laughed about it apparently. Yeah, ok. First date dumps always lead to a big giggle fest.

Amanda, 25

Amanda S

Amanda hails from “Rancho Santa Margarita”, which is absolutely a lie you tell a creeper hitting on you when you’re drunk. Oh where am I from? I’m from a little town named Blue Cheese Mimosa. You’ve never heard of it? Weird. Amanda also has two kids. So her vagina is twice ruined and she’s only 25. Lastly she’s wearing her belt over her jeans.

Leah, 25

Leah

Leah twerked in her interview and wants to be a mermaid. Basically she’s doubly unoriginal. And that purple onesie makes her look like Barney. NEXT.

Breanne, 30

Breanne

Breanne took a 30th birthday trip to NYC BY HERSELF. That sounds RLY fun. She’s adapted the Tyra Banks “smize” and her goals for this season of the Bachelor were to become a #PowerCouple with Ben. Everything about Breanne already annoys me. I feel like she’s probably a less hot version of Britt.

Jennifer, 25

Jennifer

Jennifer would choose to be a dolphin for their sex habits…this raises a red flag for me. Her reasoning is because they’re the only animal that has sex for pleasure but all I’m thinking is the fact that dolphins rape each other and people a lot. Do you see how this can be concerning, Jennifer? She also loves tanning in the nude so she’ll have a wild side I’m guessing.

LB, 23

I get that there are roughly 100 Lauren’s this season and LB is probably just trying to differentiate herself but it FEELS a little like she’s stepping on LC’s toes here. LC is a thing. LB isn’t. LB once went on a date in a Nepal jungle (casual) also would want to be a dolphin. What’s the fascination with dolphins here, ladies? (If I’m being less judgmental LB is pretty and seems chill as hell but I’m here to point out the weird stuff first.)

Maegan, 30

Megan

Just like Juelia from last season, people who spell their name like assholes immediately feel my wrath. Unnecessary vowels inconvenience me in recaps. Maegan followed up her silly spelling by being a cowgirl who loves to play grab ass at bars and owns a mini horse that she often kicks it with. She could be hilarious. She also could be wildly obnoxious. We’ll have to see how she toes the line.

Olivia, 23

Olivia

As if you couldn’t tell from this headshot, Olivia is a news anchor. Her guilty pleasure is french fries. A guilty pleasure is watching every holiday movie that Hallmark releases each year. Omg Olivia, it’s so embarrassing that you secretly love french fries.

Caila, 24

Caila

Caila has a tattoo of the Hawaiian islands on her hip. Her ideal amount of children would be 3 because they would fit in her car. Supes practical. She hates guys who swear and that’s why she’s on the lower end of the list. My truck driver mouth doesn’t approve.

Jubilee, 24

Jubilee

Jubilee’s bio made me laugh out loud when they asked what type of music she liked and she said, “Country music. Don’t judge me LOL!”

Laura, 24

Laura

Laura can’t live without key lime pie. Seems odd.

Samantha, 26

Samantha

Nothing excites me about Samantha. She’s an attorney from Florida and fears awkward silence on a date. ZzzzZzz I fear that she’ll put me to sleep on a date.

Jackie, 23

Jackie

Jackie’s gonna be the one to stay fit while living in the mansion and crush everyone at physical competitions. She’s a runner with no regrets.

Lauren H, 25

Lauren H

Fingers crossed the Lauren’s drop like flies the first night otherwise these recaps will be a nightmare. This Lauren is already kissing ass before even getting to the mansion. She said she would love to be Chris Harrison for a day. She also pinterests wedding ideas at work so she’s got a little bit of the crazy.

Jami, 23

Jami

Another bartender, in her bio, Jami admits to be an “inexperienced” lover. Essentially she just painted a shiny virginal target on her back before even having the chance to get too much champagne in her and confess it to a bunch of strangers. C’mon girl…know how to play the game.

Lauren R, 26

Lauren R

If Lauren R. could have lunch with any three people she would choose Jesus, Michelangelo, and Justin Timberlake..in that order. At least big J got the first invite. Do you think Jesus and Michelangelo are the type to go for lunch brews and then go back to work? Cause JT fo sho would. Lauren R also looks like she’s not wearing pants above.

Isabel, 24

Isabel

Izzy’s pretty normal. She dabbled in 50 shades of Grey but doesn’t normally read, loves Tay & Beyonce oh and her family vacations when she was young consisted of chartering a private yacht around the Virgin Islands. Ho hum, just a normal girl like me and you.

Shushanna, 27

Shushanna

Shush will be easy to point out because she’s a smokeshow mathematician named Shushanna. I like when people stand out and make my recaps easier. Unfortunately other than those facts she’s not real spicy.

Lauren B, 25

Lauren B

Not only are there 100 Laurens, but there are 2 Lauren B’s. DRAMA. This LB is a flight attendant who crushes mimosas and brunch (and probably yoga, iced coffee and Netflix.) She’s the most basic of white bitches and I would probably be fast friends with her if we ever met.

Rachel, 23

Rachel

Rachel right here is my gurrrrlll. She’s the first one I’ve seen own up to being unemployed. PREACH! As a fellow participant of #Funemployment I immediately identified with her. She sealed the deal of our love affair by saying if she could be any animal she’d be the cookie monster and eat a bunch of cookies. Which is essentially all I do while I’m unemployed. I hope she makes it to the finals but if she doesn’t, I hope even more that she calls me so we can kick it.

Joelle, 24

Joelle

Joelle goes by Jojo. GET OUTTT RIGHT NOWWW, IT’S THE END OF YOUUU AND MEEE. JoJo can make a 3 leaf clover with her tongue (hear that, Ben?) and wants more than anything to be a part of Tay’s squad. Same, girl., same. She reads a lot of self help books so she probably knows how to go after what she wants and obviously she’s a dime. I feel like she’s going to be a strong contender in the competition.

Well there you have it. T’s & P’s for this season of The Bachelor. Tune in January 4th for the no doubt 5 hour premiere event and visit the full cast bios here.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Ciao, Tuscany!”

Screen Shot 2015-12-09 at 11.25.14 AM

Do you feel like enough time has passed since last season’s reunion where Kyle and Kim went at each other’s throats? I don’t. I don’t think enough time will ever pass to make that any less uncomfy. We’ll have to get over it because there may only be one Richards sister on this season (so far) but the dirrty family laundry continues to be aired. This week’s installment is the impending nuptials of Nicky Hilton. You know, Paris’s sister. She’s getting married at a palace in London, cause she’s a Hilton. And Kyle has been uninvited to the wedding. Why? BECAUSE KATHY SAYS SO. And what Kathy says, goes. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Kathy is not thrilled about how her sisters have been muddying the family name on reality TV as she watches in her Ivory Hilton tower, but that’s neither here nor there. To reiterate: I’m on Team Kathy. Cause if you’re not on Kathy’s side you’re disinvited from the wedding event of the season. Kyle finds a way to weasel her way back onto Kathy’s good side and get invited to the wedding again. Except the rest of her family can’t come. BOLD. Apparently Portia’s in the wedding and Kyle can go but everyone else can kick rocks. When Lisa tries to point out how bananas this is, Kyle’s like it’s nobody’s biz, shut the hell up. Except she’s made it our biz..so0oo0o…that comment has about as much validity as saying that I was almost a Victoria’s Secret Angel.

I wouldn’t want to miss this…

Speaking of Angels, momma of the newest to be winged (and my ferocious girl crush) Yolanda, is still struggle city this episode and it breaks my little heart. Yo goes in for a procedure to take all the metal out of her mouth because it might be adding to her illness but she’s not really sure. The surgery looks like the WORST and she feels like she’s choking and can’t breathe but don’t you fret because David to the rescue! Foster rolls in mid-procedure to grab her hand and kiss her numb, gaping mouth. At the end, he seals the deal of best hubs ever by making a groan worthy joke to the doc about if they can have sex right away. Ugh. David. If I were Yo I probably would’ve already had the papers drawn at that point. I’m actually surprised he didn’t wheel a piano into the operating room and request that the nurses sing backup like one of their dreadful dinner parties.

Husband of the year should probably go to Harry after the amount that Rinna tosses her mom haircut around to attract attention to her new diamond earrings. “Guess who got these for me?” she goads to her daughters and when they stare at her cluelessly she exclaims, “HARRY HAMLIN!” I feel like “dad” could’ve sufficed in this scenario rather than using government names with the children they made together. I’m going to assume Rinna doesn’t get a lot of lavish gifts with the way she’s put up a billboard about these earrings. Or she does and she acts like this every time, in which case I might need a breather from Rinna. JK she’s one of the realest on the show. I need to keep her in my pocket.

Rinna & Eileen (whose existence on this season so far is to mourn the loss of her father in law Dick Van Patten) act like compassionate humans and visit Yolanda in her white plushy den of illnesses. Yolanda lies on a white bed in a white robe awaiting her lady callers. The girls take their time to snoop around Yo’s new place looking at pictures and into medicine cabinets that would be an absolute goldmine for a drug dealer with the wall-to-wall pills Yo’s been stashing. Rinna reveals that her daughter has a monster crush on Anwar Hadid. Who doesn’t—amirite?! I would kill for a setup of these two for an awkward on-camera tween date. I live for that shit. PLS make it happen, Andy. That’s all I want for Christmas. Anyway, the gals all sit down and talk about colonics and being full of shit. Eileen’s sister died after being sick for a while so she’s really feeling for Yolanda. These two seem genuine and have actually been supportive of Yolanda on camera.

Turds 1 and 2, otherwise known as Lisa and Kyle—on the other hand…are on an economy vacation. HAHA. LoLz. Kyle and Co. are just yachting all over Italy and about to meet up with Lisa and Ken in a Tuscan villa. Kyle’s yacht is bigger than anything I’ve ever lived in and this is essentially just their vacation transportation. Typical. An extra hearty snicker for Kyle talking about going shopping in Florence and then adding at the end: I also want to check out the museums. Mauricio literally laughs right in her grillpiece at how fake that statement was. Mauricio shouldn’t be laughing though because he’s the kind of asshole vacationer who NEEDS to show off his knowledge of other languages at every chance he gets. ARRIVEDERCI he shouts in a haughty voice as he pops into his Ferrari to drive to the villa.

For what it’s worth (nothing), the “Butler” at the villa doesn’t even know how old it is when Kyle asks so he’s obviously a hired Italian actor. Lisa and Ken arrive to the “many many years old” villa after shouting at their Italian Uber to turn up the AC cause it’s not like it’s BOILING in the backseat or anything. They also spent the ride throwing shade at Yolanda for once calling the Amalfi Coast a chore. To be fair, that’s an asshole thing to say…but so is Ken pointing out that Kyle only wears mu-mu’s. Ken is turning into quite the little catty bitch for someone whose about to be 70 years old. SEVENTY. AS IN MY GRANDMA’S AGE. I thought people stopped giving an F when they got that old. Take a page from my Gammy’s book, Ken. Play peaknuckle with your buds once a week, eat dinner at 4:30 and take advantage of all senior citizen discounts. Stop worrying about the fashion and makeup preferences of your wife’s friends.

rarri

Anyway, Ken probably gets put down for his afternoon nap while Lisa and Kyle take the ‘rarri out for a joyride in the Italian countryside because they’re rich and we’re not. Then they spend a significant amount of time piling it on Yo again because they’re the worst and they can. Kyle does what she does best and makes Yolanda’s illness about herself. Apparently when Kyle’s mom died she was convinced she had a disease but it turned out to all be mental and related to her depression. Cool story, Kyle. Let Yolanda try to find a cure and stop chirping her for not wearing eyeliner.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Life’s A Pitch”

rhobhs6

To be completely honest I was about ready for quittin time after last season’s shit show of events. What drew me back in for the premiere and another season of recapping was the promise of fresh plastic and the cutting of dead weight. Brandi wasn’t in, Kim bowed out (was sent to rehab) and it gave me new hope for a season with less shrieking Euro-brawls and more displays of exorbitant wealth that these betches think is the norm. So I’m giving this season the ole college try and since they have yet to integrate the newly hired cast members who come off as “old friends” included in a group dinner party, last night’s episode was fairly boring and full of housekeeping. No, not the kind done by imported hired help, but the kind where we’re brought up to date on who’s still friends and who isn’t after they hurled insults at each other during the reunion.

First thing’s first…let’s discuss our new taglines. Kyle, taking a page from being the most obnoxious person alive, maintained her “I’m a Beverly Hills native but I’m SO down to earth and normal” shtick that she spews out a new version of every season. Oh Kyle, you’re soooo amahhhhzing and NEVER fake. Eileen uses her tagline to remind us she’s an actress. AS IF WE COULD EVER FORGET SHE WON AN EMMY. Seriously, her line was “I may be an actress but that doesn’t mean I’ll stick to your script” when really it should have been “I may be an actress but I also won an Emmy.” Rinna makes play on words about how she’s a blabbermouth AND has giant lips, showing she’ll never stop being self-aware. (“My lips were made for talking and that’s just what I’ll do.”) AND one of our newbies, Erika comes in HOT with, “I’m an enigma wrapped in a riddle and cash.” SO many questions and yet we still have yet to meet this broad. Most importantly, do we think she knows what enigma means?

Remember how Brandi spent all last season trying to lick Lisa’s vag for forgiveness? Well forgiveness was NOT granted but you know what…who needs Brandi when you’re throwing out a pitch for the Dodgers? Lisa has become somewhat of a LGBTQ celeb…the word celeb is used QUITE loosely here as I’m pretty confident her LGBTW advocate “work” was opening a bunch of gay clubs in Hollywood and being BFF’s with Lance Bass. Either way, she’s invited to throw a pitch and the Dodgers send hottie catcher AJ Elis over to “practice” or essentially just to be there while Lisa makes a bunch of ball innuendos and dirty jokes about her nonexistent sex life with her corpse of a husband. At the game, she wears the tackiest outfit I’ve ever laid eyes on and worries about throwing terribly. With a pink rhinestone trucker hat on I speak for everyone in the stadium when I say No1 currrs. Her throw doesn’t make it to the plate but that’s ok because she redeems herself by running with her boobs pushed out like she was gonna chest bump AJ and I’m disappointed that she didn’t, if we’re being honest.

princesspitch

While Eileen learns tired old storylines for the Young & Restless as she effortlessly pedals a stationary bike, Rinna feels like she’s made it because she was asked to do “Where Are They Now” on the OWN network. If Rinna’s pinnacle of her career is a show on a channel that no one knows, I can’t imagine what she would do if she got a network cameo. It’s okay to make jokes about Rinna’s acting career guys, cause she’ll do ANYTHING for money. EXCEPT a diarrhea commercial…yet she did one for depends sooo…how are these two things different? Either way these ladies are working hard for their money, while Kyle’s first appearance this season is picking out overpriced pink diamond studded sunglasses that I’m almost positive Paris Hilton probably rocked in the early 2000’s at the height of pink heels and jean skirts. Stay humble, Kyle.

paris

All of that dumb shit pales in comparison to what we really learned in last night’s episode. Yolanda has been basically wasting away from Lyme disease and all of her BH friends are terrible human beings who have left her to deteriorate and talk shit about her. Lisa and Kyle do lunch to compare rich people sunglasses and question if Yo is faking her Lyme disease to duck out of hanging out with them. These two are a couple of trolls. If I had a choice between lying on the couch and watching TV or going to a party with them I’d choose the couch 110% of the time and I’m a healthy individual. Even though Lisa doesn’t really like Yolanda because she yelled at Ken one time three years ago, she still is “concerned”. Obviously not concerned enough because when they all roll up to Rinna’s birthday dinner, Lisa makes a point to say that Yolanda looks like a pile of dirty garbage.

yoyo

Leave it to Kyle to wear a romper designed for a 25 year old to Rinna’s birthday so she can talk about how she doesn’t like wearing shorts all night while Yolanda rolls up with no makeup, her hair pulled back and a casj monochromatic number. She brings a new friend with her who happens to be the mom of Cody Simpson. They became friends from their kids dating but stayed friends on camera so that Cody Simpson’s mom can get a reality show contract, probably.

Anyway, after witnessing that horrific birthday dinner full of people staring at Yo with their mouths open like Kim Richards just stumbled in and laid across the table with a turtle, I pretty much lost faith in humanity. This woman attended dinner without a makeup artist spending hours on her face painting a masterpiece and her friends couldn’t form a sentence without dribbling wine on themselves from shock and disgust. Yolanda was a SUPERMODEL. She literally still looks like a SUPERMODEL without makeup. Yeah she looked roughsicle but it’s because she’s sick so everyone STFU and stop making her feel like dust. AND THEN KEN…the crustiest old man with a blowout announcing that he only complimented Yolanda to make her feel good because it’s his duty on this earth to make girls feel great with his fake compliments. VOMIT. I can’t WAIT for YoYo to tear him a new one at this season’s reunion. Anyway, moral of the story, Rinna your birthday and where Harry Hamlin is on your speed dial means absolutely nothing when someone has the nerve to arrive without eyelash extensions, k?

Things that made me laugh:

-Kyle waiting roughly 10 minutes before hawking her scripted show about her childhood that sounds boring as rocks and will get cancelled in its first week. Kathy doesn’t approve of it because she’s classy famous and Kim doesn’t approve of it because she’s scary AF.

-Rinna making her daughter work at a deli to buy her own car yet taking both girls shopping at a boutique where the tees are at least $50. #AllAboutThatBudget

-Eileen deciding to downsize/redecorate her home literally because Brandi compared it to a trunk full of shit from Antiques Roadshow last season. I find this downright hilarious. The haters gonna hate, hate, hate and I’m just gonna listen to them and change my life accordingly.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Eskimo Brothers

HEY! Give yourself a round of applause because we made it through the MOST DRAMATIC season EVER (read: shittiest season ever) and for that we deserve all the awards. Not so fast though, first we have to watch the final episode “Live from LA” so they can insert a bunch of audience reactions and Chris Harrison one liners to fill up the extra time. We pick up with Kaitlyn talking about how good it is to be back in LA as the caption flashes Malibu. It’s time for the boys to meet Kaitlyn’s family NOT in her hometown, because budget travel. Kait breaks the news that a guy from another season snuck his way on and is in her bottom two, her sister with the most unfortunate case of skunk head, is immediately like NICK V OMGEEEEE.

While sis fans herself, momma Leslie has some very strong feelings toward Nick from watching Andi’s season and those feelings are that he’s a D-bag. Kaitlyn is like you can’t judge him Mom, GAWD. Then Kaitlyn proceeds to casually tell her family that she slept with Nick so she’s created a nice little situation for him to walk into.

Speaking of, enter brillopad-head wearing an open button down, a white undershirt and an armful of wooden beaded bracelets. He cleans up nice. Once Kaitlyn warns him that her parents have pictured them having sex, he admits he’s nervous now, Kaitlyn is like yeah you’re pretty much F’ed. Nick’s talk with Leslie is epic because she calls him arrogant and possessive but then it goes downhill real quick because Nick turns on the waterworks and wins Les over by the end. He also puts on a show for Kaitlyn’s dad and gets the blessing.

But enough about that, it takes Shawn .2 seconds into meeting Kaitlyn’s family to blow Nick out of the water. He brings the heat with his thoughtful family gifts, makes a wedding quality toast before dinner and has Leslie (soon-to-be reality show star) vying for his attention as she asks if she can steal him away. Unfortunately, she wants to twist the knife and talk to Shawn about the S-E-X thing. He handles it well, by letting Leslie lick chocolate sauce off his abs. Hair queen Haley is #TeamShawn and it makes me wonder if anyone is actually #TeamNick. Finally, he asks both parents together for permission to marry Kaitlyn and obviously walks out with an invite on the next family vacay because, duh.

Chris Harrison pops up again to take a quick audience poll if the family liked Shawn (all the applause) or Nick (only his family meekly clapped) best. This is why they pay him the big bucks.

Unfortunately, even though everyone in America knows who has already won, we’re forced to live through more sloppy kisses as Nick and Kaitlyn have their last date. They drink champagne on a boat and Nick says, “I look forward to having you on my couch.” Of course you do, Nick. Later Nick takes a cue from every horny college frat bro and tells Kaitlyn, “I got you something, it’s in my bedroom.” Nick’s gift surprisingly is not his penis but a framed photo of their first date with a queer poem next to it about the electricity of kisses. Also he spelled energy wrong. Kaitlyn becomes putty in his hands just because of a cheesy poem that didn’t rhyme instead of retching, which is how I responded to this gift.

Kaitlyn and Shawn’s last date is so terribly awkward that I’m going to pretend it never happened. There’s some heavy petting…of Shawn’s leg and then FF to later because Shawn gives a dope ass gift and at this point, seriously Nick who? Shawn gifts her with a memory jar of pictures and notes. He probably didn’t spell anything wrong and also still has cool points because he didn’t write a shitty poem. Crushed it. Still reeling from the best gift ever, ABC throws a gratuitous shirtless morning scene from Shawn right at us with no warning and I audibly gasped. They may not be in an exotic land, but does that even matter when Shawn’s 100-pack fills the screen? No. No it does not. Shawn clothes himself just in time for Neil Lane to arrive with the rings.

Meanwhile, Nick drinks coffee with his shirt on, buttoned up. BOOOOOO. See yourself out, Nick. Neil shows up and Nick tells his sordid tale about how last time when he was expecting Neil, Andi came instead and sent him to dumpsville: population one. Neil is like oh really? That’s nice why don’t you open up my briefcase of rings and let’s get this product placement over with. After getting a nice boost of confidence for making it far enough to pick the ring, Nick bounces out of the limo FIRST (death sentence) and tells Kaitlyn how obsessed he is with her. Just as he’s reaching into his pocket for that ring, Kaitlyn goes NO. It is BRUTAL but also AWESOME. Shutdown nation. Sucks to suck, Nicholas..bet ya kinda regret jumping back into the TV dating game to get dumped all over again, huh? He leaves, a lover scorned scheming of ways to get back at her on After the Rose and chucks that precious Dublin claddagh ring right alongside his dignity. Nick’s famous last words? “I am the world’s biggest joke.” Cut to Chris Harrison and a terrrrrrible reaction shot of Nick’s family looking like he hung himself on national television. YIKES. According to Chris everyone is stunned to silence and according to the producers we need to watch this silence for an extra 30 seconds so that we, too, can feel as uncomfy as the people sitting next to the Viall family.

For our grand finale of hair, abs and TRUE LOVE, enter the babe soda that is Shawn Booth. In his best version of monotone, Shawn reads a speech you might find at the end of a rom com straight from a teleprompter and I still find it baffling that no one questions how scripted these final moments are each season. The good news is that they both agree it was love at first limo and Kaitlyn will never bone Nick again (for a bit). They get engaged to date for a couple of months and I could not be more pleased with this pairing…Also SURPRISE! to everyone who somehow avoided the spoiler snapchat that made it’s rounds for roughly 2 months on the interweb.

Not to be the person who said I told you so…but ABSOLUTELY to be that person, here is a lovely excerpt from my first blog about this season’s contestants published on May 13th, 2015:

Give it to me in that Blue V-neck with your thumbs hooked into your pockets, Shawn B. So duhs that Shawn B is a hottie with a body, but his details really seal the deal for top choice. His favorite music includes country and “One Direction, obviously.” His greatest achievement so far is when him and his dad bought an 1888 farm house and rehabbed/rebuilt it. Lastly, if he could be anyone for the day he would be his dog to see what goes on in his head. SHAWN B KNOWS HOW TO FLOOD A CHICK’S BASEMENT. He’s a directioner, essentially is Noah Calhoun from The Notebook, which means he’s basically Ryan Gosling and he’s a dog lover. Sold. Why is he still single? Britt doesn’t deserve him. Kaitlyn and Shawn B. for the final rose. Book it.

NBD but HBD, people. It’s called blogger’s intuition like you read about. You’re welcome, America.

And for those who didn’t stay up past their bedtime in gleeful hopes of catching a final Nick vs. Shawn showdown…here’s a quick summary of AFTER THE ROSE:

There’s more heavy leg petting, lots of Kait & Shawn smooching and even more pans to little Bella sobbing in the audience, methinks this girl is going to need a good deal of therapy. The buildup of our bro fight results in Shawn and Nick sitting on a tiny couch, crossing their legs in a power stance so their feet are almost touching. To be clear, Shawn does the leg cross first and Nick immediately copies him. #EskimoBrothersForLife

Also, Nick has finally learned his lesson and was a PR dream for the entire after show, using his words nicely and not speaking from the boned and thrown heartbreak that probably consumes his life. To end on an uplifting note, my father who watched the finale of Andi’s season and never saw a minute of the Bachelor(ette) afterwards responded to my text about Nick’s double dumping with “I bet he has pics of her hoo-ha to put online. He’s that kind of guy!!” Good riddance, Nick. I will not misssssSsssSssth you.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Bearded Bros Tell Nothing

In the spirit of doing whatever it takes to fill two hours, the program starts off with a preview (possibly an entire episode?) of Bachelor in Paradise followed by a recap of what happened this season. Hey, we’ve been watching this show for far too many weeks, WE GOT IT. No need for a highlight reel. Know what else there’s no need for? Every guy who ever sniffed at Kaitlyn this season. Not only do we have the frontrunners who made it until the end (the only ones who really matter) ABC has also given the assholes another shot at their fifteen minutes of fame. Like Ian, who has stayed humble and hungry. And Ryan M. who has stayed creepy and apparently also styled his hair in what should forever be known as toupee chic. Let’s not forget about Kupah either, who will willingly throw his two cents in about things that happened AFTER he was kicked off that just enraged him.

Check that hair though.

But before all that, Tanner the gossip queen takes the floor and the first shots at Ian. His gripe is that it was really mean when Ian called them all lames. Yeah they made fart jokes but they ALSO had deep convos, so HA. Tanner demands that Ian apologize to Kaitlyn and then Corey…oh, who is that you ask? Let me remind you…

The dad apparently feels a need to seize these precious last moments in front of a camera and delivers this zinger, “I don’t think that she took the responsibility of being the bachelorette the best that she could.” To be clear, no one asked him. Ian responds to all of this by taking his jacket off and getting down on bended knee in front of the glaring bros to say he regrets what he said, how he left and apologizes to the guys, everyone who was offended and his mother for being a real dick on national television, because that’s just not who he is. HE’S A MODEL WHO DEFIED DEATH AND HAS BEEN AROUND THE WORLD A FEW TIMES, DAMNIT. JK he lays it on thick and the contesticles eat that shit right up giving him the classic handshake, clap on the back for his clearly souped up apology. Cut to Chris Harrison, the one man show going HA-HA you just never know what you’re gonna get, folks as he flashes his gleaming white smile and points a finger gun. STAY TUNED FOR THE GAY RELATIONSHIP WE FABRICATED WITH EDITING….Up NEXT.

Corey is first to comment on the Clay-J sitch, because his opinion is vital to my life. He’s mad at Clint for being arrogant and making everyone feel alienated. Clint sets the record straight, if you know what I mean. Apparently, JJ just reminded him of a friend back home so that’s why they liked to play tummy sticks. JJ hops in and uses a lot of air quotes when describing the “bromance” but when Chris Harrison calls him out for using the quotes, JJ fires back with maybe if this show didn’t splice clips together and use romantic music and taglines turning my friendship into a gay porn, there wouldn’t be a need for them. I may be paraphrasing there. He might’ve just said “You tell me, Chris.” I was ready to be all Team JJ until he said this, “We’re intellectually curious about each other. There was a lot of meat to that for me.” Nope, you’re now playing into Clay-J and therefore I’m firmly Team When Will This Show End. Later on in the hot seat, JJ tells C.Harrison that he really “blew it” his last night with Clint and the peanut gallery of bros erupts into laughter. You can’t even script this shit. Just kidding–you can–and they did.

Benzy comes in to take things down a notch or 100 when we relive the story of how his mom died and talk about how he had his walls up. But don’t worry, he’s come out with a positive outlook and learned from his journey that you can open up about all your feels. Don’t cry because it’s over, Benzy, smile because it happened. JK he still hasn’t cried, maybe someday those babe soda tears will roll down his brooding face. Chris rubs his hands together in anticipation as he says, there’s nothing wrong with a good cry. LET IT OUT. I assume C. Harrison is about to play the beginning montage from the movie Up before producers are like ok, enough we need to move on, man tears or not.

Chris basically invited Jared onstage to force words into that poorly goatee’d mouth of his. C. Harrison’s line of questioning includes, Did you think you were the odd man out in that rose ceremony? But you loved the girl, right? But like when you watch it back you probably get more confused about why you were sent home right? Jared keeps it diplomatic and just repeats that he’s thankful for his journey and he listens to “Linger” on repeat via his walkman while he sobs in his room all day erreday.

Sweet, sweet boring buttercup Ben H. walks to the stage and there’s not a dry seat in the house judging by the screeches and howls from the all-ladiez crowd. Ben is a perfect gentleman as he obviously is vying for the Bachelor slot and will probably win it according to audience reactions. Snooze. Finally, we get some BTS deets on the infamous off camera visit. Ben and Shawn were roomies in San Antonio, Shawn got a king bed and Ben got a cot, ’cause Shawn’s abs. Kaitlyn put an invisibility cloak on and snuck into their room where the threesome spent 3 hours talking about life, Kaitlyn and Shawn in the King and Ben essentially on the ground…a foreshadowing. But then, Ben had to shower and womp womp, the rest is history. All it took was those extra two minutes while Ben was conditioning for Kaitlyn to tell Shawn he was the one and seal his fate. Ben probably curses his shiny hair to this day.

Finally our turtledove-in-waiting steps into the hot seat for a little popcorn reading of her hate tweets ever since she had sex on TV. Oh shit, sorry I didn’t mean to give out any spoilers guys, did you hear that Kaitlyn had sex on TV and it’s controversial only because it happened before fantasy suites? Anyway, they read some tweets from people who hate themselves but don’t give out their names which is kind of counter-productive. If we’re going to shame people for being terrible humans, midas whale give out their very public Twitter handle so the internet can bully them for being bullies. That’s how it works, right? Seems like a missed opportunity. Anyway after some tears and golden reaction shots from the audience about fat unemployed people who tweet death threats from their mom’s basement, it’s time for the guys to settle up with Kaitlyn.

It goes something like this: Kaitlyn talks to Jared and tells him he’s great. Then Kaitlyn talks to Ben H. and tells him he looks great. Everything is SO great. I’m about to doze off in my bowl of ice cream when suddenly, fiery Kaitlyn makes an appearance and I’m ALL IN. Jonathan…this guy:

tells Kaitlyn it hurt his feelings when she brought Nick on board after looking 25 guys in the eye and saying her husband was in that room the first night. Kaitlyn doesn’t miss a beat and is all I’mma let you finish but didn’t you vote for Britt?

Corey wants to add something about Nick as well and I literally wish everyone would just look at him and say in unison,

Ryan M. gets to take his horned up toupee head and march down to Kaitlyn to give her the rose that he spiked off of the ground when he was kicked off for being a drunk asshole who slapped her ass and yelled about raping people. Ah, what a joy it is to have him back on my TV. Ian also does a 2.0 of his knee level apology, except whoopsie he gets a leg cramp and immediately has to stand up. It’s probably a residual injury from his near death experience but I’m surprised he doesn’t tell us. Either way, Kaitlyn responds to both of these morons with

Last and certainly least, we get a blooper reel of Kaitlyn screeching about birds and the only thing that saves it: more Amy Schumer shitting on JJ. How they ever cut any of her material from this turd of a season is beyond me. Afterward, Joe puts on a bird mask and runs at Kaitlyn who promptly screams and runs then is like well the joke’s on you I’m actually afraid of the flapping noise. Ok, then why did you just shit your pants at a grown man with a bird mask on? Smooth.

So all that happened and yet we DIDN’T get what we truly deserved and that’s obviously Cupcake addressing the Niagara Falls and hiccups that came roaring from his precious Ken doll face while he leaned over the Cliffs of Moher, hoping someone would give him a soft push.

2A197E1C00000578-0-image-m-23_1435636375568

And finally, I really could’ve used an awkward Brady and Britt reunion post-breakup after they dated for a week and wore matching beanies to the beach and talked about how they were soul mates who were together to fill that awkward gap while the credits rolled.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- SLEEPOVER PARTY!!!

I missed the first 10 minutes of last night’s episode because I had after work adult beverages and then made the executive decision to go grocery shopping while buzzed. It was not a decision I recommend anyone else make. I ran over my own foot with the grocery cart and bought a frozen pizza that I later burnt my tongue on. Needless to say it’s for the best that I don’t drink on school nights. I arrived back home just in the nick of time to catch Ben wearing the SHIT out of a cream Irish knit sweater. Yum. Anyway, Ben and Kaitlyn are exploring the majestic Irish countryside because it seems that production has made some travel budget cuts this year and the cast is stranded in Ireland until they can save up enough to fly coach to their next location. Ben tells Kaitlyn about how he just turned 26 on the show, in a way someone brings up their birthday to make the other person feel shitty for not knowing. Kaitlyn is 30 so like rawr, cougar status. But Ben is all, age is just a number, it doesn’t make one bit of a difference, which is something that someone who is much younger can say, because they still have their youth and nothing to be bitter about. Ben is invited to stay the night in the fantasy castle suite and immediately issues a castle-wide boner kill when he gleefully shouts “best.sleepover.ever.” as visions of braiding each other’s hair and sneaking an R rated movie dance around his head.

I’m assuming that’s what they do as Kaitlyn reveals in the morning that she only got a half hour of sleep, you know, cause they were pullin pullin pullin an all-nighter. Ben’s best sleepover ever couldn’t be complete without him borrowing a pair of Kaitlyn’s capri sweats for the walk of shame, shame being the key word here. All I’m thinking is…

Hey guys, remember Shawn, my former favorite who doesn’t know what show he’s on? Kaitlyn gifts him with a hot pink polo because they will be golfing for their date. Kaitlyn’s efforts to make him look like a loser fail horribly because Shawn can pull off ANY color and look fabulous. Unfortunately he quickly ruins my drool sesh by using golf as a shitty metaphor for love. He muses, “Golf is like love because the goal is to get a hole in one”….or something along those lines. Since they both suck at golf, the day quickly spirals to a game of Truth or Dare because I guess this week’s theme is middle school. Shawn picks dare because, duh and he’s dared to strip down and golf in the nude. He takes off his pants to reveal he’s wearing as he called them “compression leggings” and as America calls them, long johns. Shawn leaves his socks on because he’s a gentleman, and there IS a strict golf course dress code. The point being, Shawn gets a SIZEABLE black box. Amirite, ladies? Bless your dirty birdie soul, Kaitlyn.

Later at dinner, Kaitlyn brings up why the hell Shawn always gets his ankle-length undies in a twist over Nick. Shawn gets REAL fired up and compares Nick to a thirteen year old girl for spreading rumors. This leads to Kaitlyn giving Shawn the key to the fantasy suite, so that they can stay up all night and talk shit about Nick and maybe also prank call him. The morning after, Shawn struts out of the suite, right into Nick’s waiting clutches. “Oh sup, Shawn, fancy running into you here, can I steal you away for a minute?”-Nick asks. They sit down and shout words at each other. The end. I don’t want to watch one more minute of these two fighting like baby bitches and therefore refuse to recap it.

Kaitlyn puts on a sexy cleavage-baring red dress to sit down with Chris Harrison and talk boyz. Obviously this decision is going to be very DIFFICULT and PAINFUL, which is why after her intro rose speech, Kaitlyn needs a minute to properly wah. The decision is made that it will be Nick vs. Shawn in the bottom two, as if it could ever be any other way. Ben remains unlovable. JK. Call me, Ben ;). After Kaitlyn departs, they leave the remaining two locked in the room together with alcohol to see who makes it out alive. They both stuff their hands in their pockets and stare at the wall.

FINALLY the stay in Ireland is over and it’s off to Utah for both hometown visits. Wait. Did I hear that correctly? Yes. This show has shit on all traditions and instead brought the two families to meet Kaitlyn in the exotic locale of Utah. Nick is first and he blubbers to Kaitlyn that he loves her and apparently with Andi it would’ve been a leap of faith but this time he’s tote sure that this is it. Ok, Nick. Meanwhile, Nick’s TLC reality show sized family is assembled in a room crying together because they just learned that Nick has died a horrific death whoops, I mean they’re scared Nick’s going to get his heart stomped out on national TV again.

Kaitlyn meets Nick’s 100 siblings, vows to never remember any of their names again and announces that Nick has made it to the bottom two. Their reactions are an Oscar-worthy collective performance of YIIIIKES–he’s screwed! Things apparently go swimmingly enough after that because Nick and Kaitlyn do the “Carlton” in the middle of the family circle. WHAT? Nick’s sis Maria must have similar sentiments because she then takes Kaitlyn aside to ask WTF is going on here. Kaitlyn passes the test with flying colors then later tells a couch full of Nick’s brothers, “I’ve spent a lot of time with Nick and we really bonded.” They’re clearly picking up what she’s putting down, if you catch my drift. Finally, the smallest child in the Viall family, Bella comes in for the hard-hitting questions, to ask about Canada’s geography. Bella’s clearly not here for the right reasons.

Nick has a heart to heart with his mom where he reveals that Kaitlyn’s really good at making out. A suuuupes normal thing for a 34 year old to gab about with his mom. Then he reassures his worried mother that this time around is SO different than last year. Cause like last year Nick was so confident and this year he knows better. Then adds that he’s really confident and Kaitlyn definitely loves him. Lesson learned, Nicky V.

Next up is meeting the two Gods that created the slobberworthy specimen that is Shawn and his fellow genetic lottery winning siblings. Shawn has a lot of sisters and warns Kaitlyn that they’ll be tough and Kaitlyn is like no worries, sisters are my JAM. Well you know what’s NOT my jam? Shawn does NOT have an equally attractive brother for me. I’m so disappointed. Also fun fact: his sisters look NOTHING like him. Dark hair for days. Shawn talked a big game about how hard his sisters will judge and the minute they get one on one time with Kaitlyn they’re like love you to pieces, girlfran, welcome to the fam!!!! As the sisters act like putty in Kaitlyn’s hands, Papa Booth is like ok, Shawn, what’s the deal with all these shenanigans. Shawn is quick to tell dad, “well she told me I’m the one off camera soooo”…..BECAUSE WE WILL NEVER EVER HEAR THE END OF THAT. Like ever. In our final moments, Shawn and Kaitlyn cuddle up on the couch and Shawn bumbles on that he has something to tell her, he’s not falling in love with her…cause he’s IN love with her. GOOD ONE, SHAWN. You prankster, you. Then Kaitlyn goes outside to stare at the mountains and cry about picking just one.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- A Fantasy Pork in Cork

Saaarrryyyy this is a day late. I did that thing where I pretended the 4th of July went through Monday and had a tough time coming back to real life. Anyway, back to the not real life of Kaitlyn Bristowe. Did you guys know that she had sex? I wasn’t sure if you heard about it or anything but spoiler alert, Kaitlyn let someone enter her pre-fantasy suite and we’re never going to hear the end of it. I wonder what it’s like to have the whole world talking about your vagina because you banged someone you were dating? Mull it over while I talk about other things, but WE WILL RETURN TO THIS TOPIC. Why? Because this show won’t let it go.

“Let’s Make Today Unforgettable”- Ben

ABC rented an island for the day so that two adults could play hide and seek. Just kitten, Ben suggesting they play hide and seek was cute AF. That’s my kinda guy right there (immature.) Ben says the role of husband means being attracted to his wife. Kaitlyn says a husband is someone who won’t leave her when she gets annoying. Both valid points. Ben fears that he is unlovable. This is not an exaggeration; this is a literal dumb sentence that fell out of his open mouth. Shh, Ben just keep looking pretty. Kaitlyn is like that’s so great that you told me you think nobody loves you because I maybe, might, possibly could be thinking about falling in love with you. I’m guessing she’s a little gun shy after telling Shawn he was the one and having him poop himself about it. Ben says overnights are not about sex and he can’t wait to just talk all night. YIKES. Kaitlyn obviously assumes he’s a virg because he’d rather have a gab sesh slumber party. She asks him outright and he says, girl, please.

“Let’s Let Our Love Run Amuck”-Joe, Shawn, Nick

Say it with me now…

Shawn steals Kaitlyn to make up for lost time with his mouth. Then Kaitlyn asks Nick how he feels about the two of them having sex on TV before it’s ok to have sex on TV and he’s like I feel great, I don’t regret it at all and Kaitlyn is all yeah totally, me too, I was gonna say that…I just wanted to see what you were gonna say first. So apparently we’re all supposed to forget about the three weeks she cried and said it was a mistake or something.

Kaitlyn asks Joe if he’s ready marriage. He shows her he’s ready for it by coming at her face REAL quick with his eyes open for a smooch. (This will play out in my nightmares.) He then pours out all of his feels that he’s in love with her and will be frenching her until she’s 60. Slow your roll, Joe. Even though Joe’s shelf life was maximum another week, Kaitlyn gets all the uncomfies by him saying he loves her so she cuts him loose immediately. Joe handles it a WHOLE lot better than Cupcake. Instead of sobbing into a scarf and contemplating a hurdle to his death, he turns into a dick. He shakes off the sappies and tells Kaitlyn this was fun and when she tells him to stop acting tough he says, “nah it’s cool, no worries, man,” like his buddy just told him he accidentally drank his beer instead of totes getting his heart stomped on. It’s safe to say that I like Joe Cool 1000x better than the snoozefest we’ve seen this whole season. His bitter exit was the most entertaining thing to happen this episode.

After Joe skates out without allowing the cameras to capture his last thoughts, which probably would’ve been “it’s whatever…it was fun until it wasn’t,” Nick is sent back to the house and Shawn gets more date time. Kaitlyn word vomits up her sex confession and tells Shawn that her and Nick went too far. He wants to know why she’s telling him at all and I’d like to know why she’s only telling him…oh wait, because he’s clearly the ONE. Never mind, she did take-backsies on telling him that. Indian giver. Shawn excuses himself to go to the bathroom so he can try to flush himself down the toilet and escape this situation. Nick wah-wah’s that he didn’t get more time while Shawn softly weeps in the “Gents” room of a seafood restaurant. Finally Shawn decides to man up and accept that lispy got to plow Kaitlyn’s fields first (or at all.) Other things that happened: The phrase “forgone conclushion” comes out of Nick’s mouth roughly 4 times for no particular reason while he continues to blubber to the others about how Shawn’s getting time instead of him. Also Shawn only refers to Nick as “the other guy” and I feel like he could’ve come up with a more dig-tastic nickname than that.

Rose Ceremony:

There is no cocktail party because Kaitlyn already knows whom she’s going to ~~marry~~ date for a couple of months at this point and the rest is just for ratings and dissection of her sex life.

Shawn is called first and has decided to choose this moment during the rose ceremony to ask why she picked Nick to have sexual relations with when she KNOWS Shawn hates him. Alright Shawn, you’ve exhausted your possessive passes for this season. I can’t stand by this anymore. Obviously Kaitlyn thinks he doesn’t trust her. Go figure. He still accepts the rose. So do Ben & Nick and I have a glorious time bidding farewell to Jared because I never have to fight the very strong urge to punch him square in the face ever again.

Fantasy Suite with Nick (What’s the point?)

They go to a cathedral but instead of engaging in foreplay again, they talk about Nick’s parents meeting in church. Nick admits he’s not religious but felt really guilty “the first time he touched his privates” HIS PRIVATES. ICK. Ugh. Woof. Vomit. Other than sounding like a real perv and making me want to puke, I just wish that Nick would STOP USING WORDS THAT END IN S. He also says he has “insecurities.” (Double S’s)

In a creepy jail in Cork, Nick says he doesn’t like Shawn because he doesn’t respect guys “who say they’re Eskimo brothers with a country singer because they F’ed the same girl in the same night.” To be clear he shares this unprompted and pretty off topic, ok, narc. Smooth way to work that into the conversation. Also not for nothing but Shawn’s insta is full of pics with Thomas Rhett, so I’m using my investigative skills to assume that’s his Eskimo brother. Seems pretty bragworthy, jus sayin. Anywho, Kaitlyn is like ok thanks for sharing, let’s get right to the penetration. No mics during relations this time, because it’s acceptable to have sex in the fantasy suite but not before then. Remember? The next morning they share ham while barely dressed. Kaitlyn has some interesting morning hair but her full face of makeup makes me believe she did not wake up like this.

Shawn vs. Nick

Shawn rolls up on Nick and his toggle wool sweater and the two bro fight and say they hate each other. There is nothing noteworthy about this exchange, and yet still it needed to be continued. Until next week, when this argument probably ends with “F U, bruh.”

P.S. Brady and Britt are still together but Brady is going back to Nashville because he might have to work or go home at some point. Britt is still wearing a knit cap because this span of their relationship was all shot in one day. Ok. Thank you for the 30-second update, good luck with your “long distance” relationship.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- The Cliffs of No Moher Cupcake

We return to the couch of shame…Shawn asks Kaitlyn if she’s in love with him. Apparently he thinks it’s the Shawn show, and basically it is for me, but I guess other people might see this as a little egocentric. Shawn, bubby, baby, this is a scripted show and she has to give roses to other guys sometimes, otherwise your storyline would be demoted to the credits each week like Britt and Brady…because two people dating is not quality TV. Kaitlyn tells Shawnie to make a decision and he decides that they should mack it up on the couch. Good decision, Shawn. Bravo!

Meanwhile, Tanner, the town gossip and US Weekly’s #1 subscriber, talks shit with Nick about Shawn. Tanner rubs his palms together and cannot WAIT to see what happens when he pits Shawn and Nick against each other for his own entertainment, I cannot WAIT until Tanner gets eliminated without anyone really knowing who he is.

2 on 1 Date- JJ & Joe

I’m not going to lie to you all, I shamelessly anticipated this date with glee once I saw that she was taking the boys on a boat ride to a remote island, knowing that eventually one would be left there. Visions of the Badlands and Dum Dum Soules flying off in a helicopter, leaving Kardashley and Kelsey to throw sand at each other clouded my head. These thoughts were soon interrupted by the most snoooooozeworthy two on one date EVER. Joe the Slow tells Kaitlyn he’s falling in love with her and she’s one in a million and seals it with several passionate smooches. Kaitlyn is blown away, either by Joe’s feels or the gusty winds on the cliff they’re hanging out on, not sure which one.

“Today’s the biggest day of my recent life.”-JJ

JJ uses his time with Kaitlyn to bare his soul and confesses that he cheated on his wife three years ago BUT he’s learned his lesson because he lost everything and lives in his parents basement now. Let’s lay this out in clearer terms…JJ the douchenozzle former investment banker cheated on his wife when she had a newborn but he’s sars! Kaitlyn’s first response is that cheating is her worst fear in a relationship and we already know that JJ the slime ball will be thinking about what he did on those cliffs in just a few short moments. Kaitlyn sends JJ home to “be with his daughter” which is code for “I’d prefer not to marry someone who will be getting his rocks off elsewhere while my vagina is still healing from pushing out our child.” Kaitlyn tells Joe she needs more time to fall in love with him, aka JJ just bought Joe another week, tops. They continue the date while JJ continues to mourn the loss of Cliff and now Kaitlyn too.

Joe comes back and tells everyone his date was great and they “spent some time on the couch together.” Ok Nick 2.0, calm down. Joe confesses to his bros-in-waiting that he’s falling in love with her and everyone giggles and fans themselves and Shawn storms out like a drama King who can’t stop blabbering about how Kaitlyn told him off camera that he’s the one. Shawn rolls up to Kaitlyn’s hotel room AGAIN and she has a meltdown that he’s found out about her extracurriculars with Nick and while she’s hyperventilating Shawn is like “Sup?” To be clear, Shawn still has no idea that she allowed Nick to ‘trate her, he’s still whining about the fact that she told him that he was the one. Pretty boy still doesn’t understand how the show works and Kaitlyn has to reiterate that she will have multiple boyfs until the very last episode. I’m scared for Shawn finding out about Nick. Real scared (read: excited.) Kaitlyn says last week (off-camera) was a mistake because clearly now Shawn is clingy AF and she regrets reassuring him much more than she regrets her mic’ed up romp with Nick in Dublin.

Cocktail Party:

Kaitlyn starts off by making a speech about mistakes and obviously all of the insecure baby bitches immediately assume they are the mistake. Nick is like I don’t know if you guys noticed but I have a rose and I’m STILL really nervous. I think I speak for all of the contesticles when I say,STFU, Nick. Ben H. sits with Kaitlyn by the fire and tells her he’s super jelly belly about whatever it was that Kaitlyn said to Shawn when she snuck down to see the two of them and he regretfully had to take a shower. Seriously, Ben H.? You couldn’t have waited until she left to shower? I’m guessing Kaitlyn will never again ham it up without cameras…she cries her way out of this one, naturally. Side note: now that I watch UnREAL and basically know everything there is to know about filming this show, I know for a fact that there would always be someone on call with a camera so exactly how did this “several hours” of off camera bizz go down? Especially considering that she had sex with a mic pack on? HMMMM….seems suspicious.

Anyway, back to the cocktail party, Nick’s like hey remember how I was inside of you? We’re still Gucci, right? And Kaitlyn is like yeah as long as you don’t blab to everyone (like when you ratted Andi out), snitches get stitches. Nick tells Kaitlyn not to worry because he didn’t tell anyone it was intimate or special when that is literally EXACTLY what he told the bros-in-waiting the next morning. Then Nick cries but I don’t really know why. I guess he’s scared she’s going to chuck him when she finds out Shawn is better in bed? I don’t know. Go to speech therapy, Nick. Please. Especially if you’re going to make TV dating your career.

Shawn stares at the fire with a strong drink in his hand, swirling the dark liquor around as he recalls watching fireworks from a canoe with Kaitlyn wrapped warmly in his embrace. (See, Chris Harrison, I too, could write a romance novel.) He’s taking the broody girlfriend bit a little too far, if you ask me. Show us those washboard abs! Soap opera music soundtracks his chat with Kaitlyn where they both say they made mistakes and use a lot of clichés like bump in the road and taking a step back. I never thought I would say this but their time togets is beginning to get exhausting. There needs to be some lovin soon or I’m going to be forced to bring my Team Shawn flag to half mast in mourning.

Rose Ceremony:

Nick, Jared, Joe, Ben H., Cupcake, Shawn

BenZ (thank God we only have one Ben now) and Tanner are dunzo, Tanner will probably start a blog about the show and BenZ tries to convince us he can’t find a girlfriend. Also he mentions his dead mom again.

Road Trip with Jared

Kaitlyn sucks at driving, they took a bunch of selfies, kiss the blarney stone and I still want to punch Jared square in the dome.

C.Harrison interrupts our countdown to Cupcake’s tears by sitting down for some good ole fashioned real talk with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn confesses that she regrets every single thing that she’s done on and off camera, basically and Chris replies with “That’s good.” Interesting form of psychoanalysis there. He then suggests switching things up so that the guys who haven’t gotten bone time will have the opportunity to level the playing field (if you know what I mean) before hometown visits. Chris, you perv, you, telling Kaitlyn to get after it! I support this wholeheartedly.

Cupcake One on One @ Cliffs of Moher

Kaitlyn dons a sassy pony and takes Cupcake on a helicopter ride around Ireland and to the Cliffs of Moher. They talk about their futures and Kaitlyn keeps referring to this process as finding her “forever”, which I think is cute that she’s still thinking her final rose relationship will last more than a year, tops. Shit gets real, real quick when Cupcake goes all therapy on Kaitlyn, puts his face entirely too close to hers and asks how she’s doing. Kaitlyn cries and says, “This is the hardest thing for me in this moment.” A new rating scale for how hard things are, moment by moment. My mind is blown by just how hard things can be. In the end, Kaitlyn tells Chris she doesn’t see herself marrying someone who drove up in a candy corn cupcake and she leaves him to sob and contemplate suicide on the cliffs.

After seeing these tears teased for two hours I was prepared for disappointment when they actually happened. But I was NOT disappointed. The dramatic waterfall of tears and hiccupping sobs coming out of Cupcake’s body were SO WORTH IT. He hides his ugly cry face in a scarf and tells himself to pull it together. IT WAS GOLD. Such sadness coming from such white teeth…sorry Cupcake, at least you’ve kick started your career on Broadway!

On a final note, try as they might, the editors of The Bachelorette did their best work to show reaction after reaction that we are to assume is about Nick and Kaitlyn’s tryst but I would like to reiterate that for yet another week literally no one knows anything about the porking that occurred in Dublin and I can only imagine the floodgates that will open after they do the big reveal…if EVER. Seriously, Kaitlyn, just tell them…for all of us.

The Salty Ju

#NoFilter

Tag Archives: reality show

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Will Power”

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Horsing Around”

The Bachelor S20: Ranking the Contestants

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Ciao, Tuscany!”

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Life’s A Pitch”

The Bachelorette- Eskimo Brothers

The Bachelorette- Bearded Bros Tell Nothing

The Bachelorette- SLEEPOVER PARTY!!!

The Bachelorette- A Fantasy Pork in Cork

The Bachelorette- The Cliffs of No Moher Cupcake