Pop Culture, Television

Lauren Conrad Nuggets of Wisdom

It’s been a beat since I’ve dedicated a blog to my gurl LC, I figure once a month is appropriate even though realistically I could do once a week. I’m trying really hard not to force my girl crushes down your throat. You’re welcome. Anyway, ever since I made the wise and empowered executive decision to round out my DVD box set of The Hills with seasons 3/4 (5-6 don’t count because LC peaced up outta that bitch and the show went to shambles) I’ve been logging an episode per day, soaking in the young adult carefree lifestyle I should be living, full of laying by the pool and nightclubbin’ on weekdays. Instead I’ve been shackled to my apt for months because mass transportation couldn’t handle the 10 tons of snow, but whatever, because I’m still able to really hear the wisdom that LC dishes out to her friends, and I’ve decided to gather her smartest nuggets of unsolicited advice for all of you to consider. Let’s take a few minutes to attend the church of Lauren Conrad and reflect on what she preaches.

1. Go with your gut, but use your head.

Ah one of the many Laurenisms uttered in reference to Justin Bobby. LC knew from the start that JBobz was a real handful but that she couldn’t share her real opinion unless she wanted to be THAT friend who dumps on every guy her BFFs choose. It was just too soon after the Speidi/LC fallout. So instead she spoke in Chinese fortunes when Audrina would ask for her opinion. This is pretty smart of LC because she was being clear that JB was a poor choice, but saying it in a way that would be too hard for Audrina to figure out, because she would have to use her brain, something that was far too difficult for a girl who stared at the ceiling for an entire 6 season series.

with using my brain.

2. I think that every guy can change with the right girl.

This is more of a hopeful piece of wisdom. Girl’s got her head in the clouds full of taming bad boys (ahem Jason). LC might’ve been tooting her own horn a little bit here but it’s nice to think that playboys can be tamed. We’ll take this one with a grain of salt.

Dat Bad Boy Lyfe

3. Love is not a maybe thing, you know when you love someone.

LC said this to zero brainwave activity Heidi when they were still friends, Heidi had her original rack and was considering dumping Jordan the hedgehog hired boyfriend from South Carolina. Heidi was all, I think Jordan is mean to me and stuff but I really like having a boyfriend. And when LC asked if she loved him, Heidi had to ask herself if love and sex were different. She was still unsure when LC dropped this truth bomb.

4. You weren’t being over-sensitive, he was being over-asshole.

This is a sassy piece of word vomit from LC that should be bible. Any time a guy treats you like a piece of garbage (in this case it was Justin Bobby…could it really have been about anyone else?) you remember that LC said it’s his fault and not yours!

5. All there is left to do is forgive and forget. So I wanna forgive you and I wanna forget you.

I mean this is a big one. The tell off to Heidi, once and for all. The inner struggle of never forgetting what a shitty friend she was but also wanting that old friendship back. The best part about the whole conversation is that once she lays this beatdown out there, Heidi responds with, “Ok, it was great seeing you.” Realistically how do you respond to LC telling you she would like to forget you exist? Burn City- Population: Heidi Montag.

6. Nobody’s had the best relationships in the past. That’s why they end.

What a modern day love guru LC is when she tries to reassure Brody that just because he’s been the shittiest boyfriend in America doesn’t mean he can’t shape up and give it another go with her. Unfortunately his affinity for dating playgirls eventually gets in the way of that but it’s for the best because Brody also penetrated Kristin and LC can’t afford to keep sharing boyfs with that ho.

7. Don’t ever cry over someone that wouldn’t cry over you.

Even though she says this to Steph, AKA She-Pratt AKA a grown adult who thought that hamsters turn into guinea pigs, this is still an applicable life lesson. Tears should only come into play if both parties involved are baby bitches. If Brody Jenner calls you cray cray, it’s prob not worth sobbing in the bathroom.

8. There’s always that one person that you always go back to.

The classic rule of recycling men to maintain your number, LC basically invented dis shit. Steven, Jason and Brody were in her lineup and boy did they sub in and out a lot. Girl had that rotation on lockdown. All the respect.

9. Like everyone, and trust no one.

BAM. Did LC get a little jaded at some point with all her shady friends and decide that maybe she should start speaking and living like a mafioso? Yeah she did and you know what, I’m cool with it. The mean streets of LA can make you HARD. Girl had to buck up and realize that her besties were about as trustworthy as that big eared betch Elodie. In other words, you can think Stephanie Pratt’s inability to answer a telephone or use the computer is fun and amusing but don’t think for a second it doesn’t mean she’ll jump at the chance to date your ex the minute you go on a family vacay to Italy without cell service and internet.

10. It just is what it is. It’s not always fair.

This deserves to be noted because it’s far too similar to something Scar from the Lion King said (another wise basic bitch). You see, life is NOT FAIR. No but for reals, was it fair that a 22 year old was living in a mansion with a pool, jetting to Vegas and Cabo on the reg and hitting the club circuit every night all on MTV’s dime while I was living in a smelly apt with my parents at 22 suuuuper funemployed? No it’s not fair…but it is what it is.

Now go forth and spread the good word of our Holy LC.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Amster-Damn!”

As you recall, last week we left off with the ladies arriving in Yo’s home country and immediately giving Americans a bad name. Although I would like to tell you that they shaped up and did ‘Murica proud, unfortunately I cannot. I started to nod off as we saw everyone show off their extravagant hotel suites and talk about how they slept the night before. Then Kim chooses to verbally shit in Rinna’s mouth during public lunch/dinner and I woke the F up. You start an episode with a near choking incident and you HAVE my full attention. Good work.

Let’s take it from the top. While everyone is dining togets, Yo finds it to be an opportune moment to bring up Bella’s DUI for the hundredth time and just lay it out there how painful that was to go through and also slyly point out that nobody at this table is perfect. Tough stuff, lesson learned. Rinna starts to get emotional and reveals that when she was 6 her sister died of a drug/alcohol overdose and she’s never really dealt with it. (For the record, that now puts Rinna at a 3 count for drug/alcohol related deaths in her family. WOOF.) Since Rinna is getting emotional she also wants to apologize to Kim for butting in. Kim doesn’t miss a beat to shut Rinna down and round one has begun. Kim goes OFF like her batteries were just replaced and she hasn’t had verbally abusive conflict in over 24 hrs, bitch is ready to go. She just raises her voice and jabs that finger around like it’s what she was put on this earth to do. She reminds everyone that she’s been sober 3 years (has it actually been that long?) and if there were any concerns HER friends and HER family would’ve said something to her. Rinna is fairly composed and still just defends that she cares about Kim.

OH REALLY? Kim viciously spouts, let’s talk about YOUR home life, Rinna! Eileen tries to jump to Rinna’s defense and Kim throws out a little something she learned from her new BFF Brandi, which is to tell Eileen to shut her F-ing mouth. She also ACTUALLY utters the sentence, “I’ve had enough of you, you beast.” SHE CALLS EILEEN A BEAST. I have essentially rolled off of my bed in fits of laughter at this point. Everyone is sitting there like this is a normal scream fest to have occur in a foreign public restaurant and the worst is still yet to come. Eileen’s reactions to Kim are outrageous, I literally feel like I’m watching Kristen DiMerra duke it out in Salem on Days of our Lives. The theatrics are starting to rub off on Kim who decides to reenact how Kyle hid behind her coat on the plane and acted like a real pussybitch. As if that impression wasn’t enough, Kim turns the knife in Kyle’s fake tit by shouting that Kathy Hilton (all hail the Queen) is actually the better sister and would never hide behind a jacket, she would jump in the ring and defend Kim, the spinning head. BOOOOOOM. Kathy wins again and she’s not even present to look displeased with everything.

DING DING. What are we at now? Round 3? Kim tells Rinna, “Why don’t you have a piece of bread and you’ll calm down a little?” Oh haallll noooo you didn’t just tell her to eat carbs. Then Kim takes a shot at Harry Hamlin and I’ve never seen a chokehold form faster across a dinner table. Rinna comes out of a rage blackout and realizes she’s about to choke a bitch out on national television so instead throws her wine at Kim and shatters the wine glass off the table like a maniac. DON’T YOU EVA TOUCH MY HUSBAND she roars as she shakes from anger, picks up the glass shards and eats them like she’s the Grinch and that’s her regular diet. Just kidding, she doesn’t but she should’ve if she really wanted Kim to be afraid of her. Kyle darts outta there like the road runner in the desert. And it is GLORIOUS.

In the aftermath, essentially the whole group chooses Team Rinna because if you choose Team Kim you have to be Team Brandi too and no one wants a couple of fighting trash monsters on their team. There’s a whole lot of tears in the rain in an Amsterdam alley. Yo returns to the crime scene to hear Brandi complain about having glass in her skin, and Kim calm as a cucumber kicked back with her feet up on the public restaurant table, flipping her hair fancy free and funky fresh. Yo is like hey, Kim that wasn’t your best dinner. Brandi is quick to defend Kim because Rinna tried to choke her and THAT’S apparently not ok. Kyle is inconsolable and sobbing a lot and WHAT?! SHE’S MAKING SOMETHING ABOUT HERSELF? GET OUTTA HERE. She even needs captions because of her blubbering words about how no one even UNDERSTANDS what she goes through. The nearly upturned table in a quiet Amsterdam restaurant is left with no apologies or IOU’s for the broken wine glass, or their dignity.

Back at the hotel, Rinna says she never wants to speak to Kim again and she would also like to leave this country that has turned her into the Incredible Hulk. Eileen uses a whole lot of synonyms for disgusting to describe Kim and also cries because Kyle is crying? No, Eileen is crying because she won an Emmy for crying on TV and damnit if you all forget it! Rinna compares Kyle & Kim’s sister bond to an abusive relationship. I wonder what Kathy would think about all of this! No seriously, can we get her out to Amsterdam? Yo Brandi and Kim are suuupes concerned about picking shards of glass out of their hair. Kim tries to steal Eileen’s Emmy on pure talent when she does an impression of her yipping like a dog. I laughed out loud at it and I’m not embarrassed to admit it. Ms. Brandi is like whatevs guys, I’m just feeling #blessed that for once it wasn’t me who threw wine or a punch…As aggressive and despicable as this fight was, it’s solved within about 2 minutes the next morning when Kim goes to Rinna to apologize like a civil adult. BOOOOOOOOO.

Post-cage fighting match, apparently everything is hunky dory as the ladies mount up on bikes and explore Yo’s home countryside. The women make a real stink about not knowing how to straddle a Schwinn 10, which is shocking coming from this group of loose gooses. A disgusting bearded man living in a shoe, I mean, windmill, appears to greet the ladies and tell Yolanda that they used to date and make out a lot. This little confession probably had nothing to do with the camera crew there but regardless Yo was like I have no recollection of ever tongue-ing this hair monster, must be the Lyme disease brain erasing all of my sloppy Holland hookups. Lisa is quick to point out to Yo that this all could’ve been hers as she motions to his Keebler Elf windmill home. It’s times like these when I actually love Lisa.

As if stone cold sober fights in public aren’t enough, the ladies all decide that they should probably get high together in public at a coffee shop and everything will be dandy. I was against this wholeheartedly because I thought it would mellow the group out and make for boring TV, no worries though because it did the opposite. (PS Yo’s mom is a BADD bitch. She’s like yeah I’ve eaten a bunch of hash space cakes and never felt a thang. Drugs are old hat for her apparently.) At the coffee shop, Kyle acts like a real n00b. She sniffs the pot and and Yo tells her she looks like a loser tourist and she’s bringing down the cool factor of the group. People are starting to stare and no one is even smashing wine glasses. Then Kyle’s like is this how you roll a J HAHA I’m dumb and don’t know about marijuana but I think I’m high from the second hand smoke in here. Leave it to Brandi to tell it like it is when she says Kyle stop acting like a pot virg, we’ve smoked together before. (Can we unearth some footage of that pls, Bravo?) And Kyle is like WTF BRANDI I HAVE KIDS. (FTR: all of these women have kids……) I would encourage every single one of these kids to tape this episode and stash it away for future use because my parents told me they’ve never tried pot once, so getting this shit on camera is REAL gold. Even though they consumed one bite of an edible each and applauded each other like a bunch of nerds, Kyle buzzkills the whole night when she says she’s getting paranoid because she’s OBVIOUSLY so high from secondhand and they all have to leave.

In the street, Brandi has a tantrum with lots of noises because everyone can call her an alcoholic but the minute she whispers something about someone else all hell breaks loose. Everyone kind of stares at her and then keeps walking, which completely sums up how I’m feeling. One big conflict per episode please, I can’t take any more of this. They’re all over the dramz and Brandi is most certainly over this dumb trip with a bunch of fake-weed-loving prisses. Next week tune in to see the slap heard round the world with Carmen Sandiego, I mean Lisa Vanderpump.

Best Quotes:

“I don’t think you need a dick in your mouth to put food in their mouths. Sorry, just saying.”-Lisa explaining prostitution in the red light district or talking about Brandi? JK, JK. Love the shit out of cable TV.

Lisa (on a real roll this week) talks about riding the bike being serious sexual stimulation. Real talk: have I been bike riding wrong my whole life?

Eileen as role model to all girls of America: “I decided to give in because I’m weak and succumb to peer pressure.”

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor: The Women All Cry in One Room

Come one, come all (if you’re middle aged and have a lot of feelings) to the live-action scorned women showdown. Your honorable host, Chris Harrison will be taming the circus tonight and showing everyone his comedic chops as he asks the hard-hitting questions and tames the wild mustangs waiting in the wings to attack. Unfortunately I missed the first twenty minutes, but before anyone can get sassy, I’d like to confess that I ran out of wine this weekend (not really sure how THAT’S possible) and I watched this episode stone cold sober. For that, I deserve a full applause. Let’s get right to Mz. Free Hugs.

Britt:

Oh how the mighty have fallen, Britt takes the hot seat to defend how she went from top sloppy makeout dog to crying on a curb. There’s a little scuffle between her and Kardashley about the comment that she didn’t want to have kids ever. This is the part where Britt lists her resume which is chock-full of working with children so OF COURSE SHE WANTS KIDS, KARDASHLEY YOU IGNORANT SLUT. Kardashley is like ok maybe I heard wrong, luh yew girl.

Then comes the Carly vs. Britt battle. Might I point out first of all that whoever told Carly to bleach her hair even blonder than it already was and leave her eyebrows brown is the real MVP here. I never actually thought Carly’s eyebrows could get weirder but we fully achieved it tonight because they looked like they were drawn on with a Mr. Sketch brown cinnamon scented marker.

Anyway, not to get catty because Carly already took care of that when she started out by saying, “I actually don’t have a problem with Britt, I have no ill will at all.” Even C. Harrison was like Bitch, Please to that bullshit. Carly tells the whole story of the show that we all watch three hours of every Monday, like we’re a bunch of morons who didn’t know what was happening. You’re not talking to Chris Soules anymore, Carly you can bring the education level up a notch or five. Britt spends this time trying to interject every five seconds and also rolling her eyes like nobody’s biz. Britt gives good eye roll. Finally she’s had enough and says, “You’ve pretty much narrated my love story for the past three weeks, so can I say something?” SHUT. DOWN. SOMEBODY CALL THE COPS BECAUSE THERE HAS BEEN A MURDER. No but seriously, I would’ve respected Britt a little more in this argument had she not spent the whole time looking at the lights and scrunching her face trying to make herself cry. After the commercial break we return to Britt sobbing and C. Harrison with his head propped in his hand like don’t you fret girrrllll everyone’s just jelly of you. C. Harrison set a precedent for crushing it as variety hour host right about here.

Kelsey:

If anything is going to make a room of biddies erupt I didn’t expect it to be the widow of Sanderson Poe with her sensible mom haircut. It was like the line for pizza after the bars close with all those women in their cheap dresses looking for a rumble the second Kelsey hit that stage. She reacted well though, like the sociopath that she is. They show her Oscar-worthy montage (I’m still holding out for the Lifetime movie…c’mon guys it’s not like you’re a respectable network, you cashed in on Brittany Murphy’s death with an actress who looked nothing like her…not that I watched or anything.) Anywho, immediately after watching, Kelsey reveals, “I feel like I’m grieving all over again.” You would’ve thought she admitted to killing Chris Soules and sleeping with his dead body every night with the facial expressions amongst the fellow ladies after that.

Once they’ve recovered from frozen shock face, the girls all try to butt in with bitchy comments that they just keep shouting out. Kelsey gets emotional as one does when they’re trying to act for cameras and C.Harrison gives her his silk handkerchief to snot rocket into. At that, Kardashley whose going for the award of Most Gif-able reaction shots, gives Kelsey a look like she’s the dirtiest scum bucket alive.

C.Harrison asks hey, so Kelsey, do you maybe see after that clip that you were kind of a twat? And Kelsey is like hmm maybe a touch. Chris nearly has to go WWE smack down to keep the bitches from clawing Kelsey to death when he opens up the floor to them. Ju(e)lia hits her first and says she’s also a widow and Kelsey is the fakest person she’s ever met. BOOM. Helmet Megan also kicks it into high gear about losing a parent and calling Kelsey’s bullshit. SMACK. Trina, who’s Trina? Hates her stinkin guts too. CRASH. SAMANTHA SPEAKS!!! This alone deserves a rose. Girl thinks she got voted off the island because Kelsey got a panic attack rose. (She’s actually really nice about it, too bad we never heard her utter a peep all season.) Kelsey gets real teary about people saying her husband didn’t even exist and Kardashley’s like welllllll does he? As she sobs all over the joint, Chris goes “Clearly this has been an emotional journey for you.” Clearly, Chris.

Onion Pomegranate:

Hey everyone, Ashley S. the batshit crazy one is back, because we need an upper before everyone starts crying again. The crowd watches OP’s loony bin clips like it’s a five star standup comedy routine. They show different people laughing like maniacs and then pan to Ashley S. who tries way too hard to look like she’s in on the joke. Then she brings an onion up to Chris and says she’s been growing them, and it instantly becomes clear that this girl’s act will not quit. She’s committed hard. C.Harrison thrives on being the host of crazy town hour and he milks it for all it’s worth. He asks Ashley what the cats were saying to her in the mesa verde and who she really is as a human being. Apparently she likes to ride bikes. She also still is unsure of what planet she’s actually on. C Harrison invites her to go on Bachelor in Paradise, for ratings of course. Instead of answering she stares those dead eyes off into space and says, it’s so weird that we’re on TV, before I assume she walks toward the camera and touches it in wonder with her mouth open.

Does it smell good, Chris?

Jade:

Jade is looking ROUGH tonight and I’m kind of disappointed in her. She can’t pull her shit together and basically just barely sobs out that Chris’s blog for People (which unfortunately I read every week to gain insight on if he has brain activity—spoiler alert: he doesn’t) hurt her feelings. Apparently he said her being wild disgusted her or something and she’s read it every single day since he dumped her while listening to Jewel’s You Were Meant for Me and letting the fat tears roll down her face. All jokes aside she just wants closure from him because he obviously lied to her Playboy posing face about why he was cutting her loose. Good luck, girl. You’re gonna get more support from the middle aged women passionately nodding at you in the audience than stammery Soules.

Kaitlyn:

Kaitlyn continues to be my favorite in this whole slew of overly dramats women because not only does she look fab in a tight white crop coordinates outfit (take notes on how to dress when you see someone who dumped you on TV for the first time in months, Jade) but Kaitz also holds her shit together and comes across as an intelligent woman. Without sobbing, she articulates that she was falling in love and feeling confident at the rose ceremony and can pinpoint when her heart was broken. She wants to find out why the hell Chris would tell her he’s falling in love with her and also most definitely have sex with her in the fantasy suite just to axe her in a foreign country while wearing a festive robe. Are we seeing a trend here with Chris not handling his women well and lying a lot, ladiezzz? Jus sayin. These women should probably cut their losses and feel good about dodging a bullet, especially mah gurl Kaitlyn. Even though Kaitlyn has a good interview and I want to support her, she also spends the whole time onstage aggressively licking her lips and it gets REAL distracting.

And the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the doofus himself, Chris “Sweaty Pits Won’t Quit” Soules arrives: (No really… HAVE WE NOT LEARNED THAT CHRIS WILL MAKE THINGS WORSE?)

Is everyone here mad at me or something?

All he has to do is walk into the room and already Britt bursts into tears. Oh yeah, I just have that effect on women; they just want to cry immediately upon seeing me because that’s how terrible I treat them. This is what I imagine Chris says to his cows back home when he chitchats with them every morning. Britt asks to come up and brings it all full circle by giving Chris a 45 minute long uncomfy hug…FOR FREE. This evokes a hard eye roll from Carly. All I get from this convo is that Britt respects and loves Chris and Chris just stutters a lot. Smooth start.

Kaitlyn gets a turn next to ask Chris a bunch of questions that he will pretend to listen to and then just open his mouth and hope for the best while responding. Kaitlyn once again is very composed and just wants to know why he would stick it in her and say he’s in love with her then say peace out girlfraaann. Also having her sit through that rose ceremony when he knew she was going home WAS pretty brutal Chris’s response was: Ughh blub blub this is my first time being the bachelor HAHA. Kaitlyn should be the next goddamn Oprah and she’s dealing with this ooga booga.

And finally, Jade asks if she can come up to talk to Chris about why he checked out her nudies and then said it gave him a weird boner. She gets all sobsies and really doesn’t help her case of exposing how dumb Chris is. Unfortunately we have to hear the phrase wild mustang like 5 more times. And in the end Chris stammers out uh yeah YOU would’ve felt awkward too so HA. And then inserts tail between legs and apologizes because at this point there’s nothing else he can do. The damage was done when he told every single girl he loved them and then massaged their mouths with his. Time to move on from this VERY difficult time in his life.

And just because there were so many tears…here are the blooper reel highlights:

-Chris’s HIDEOUS laugh montage juxtaposed with dolphin sounds (This is the point where I seriously thought the producers knew I had run out of wine and were just straight up torturing me.)

-Jillian burning her black box on a hot chair…I think that’s what full shorts were invented for but who am I to jump to conclusions.

-Shit falling on Kelsey’s head, can we really call that a blooper or was it more of a ploy to get her to GO OFF.

-Kardashley spitting champagne up on herself, cause she doesn’t swallow. HEYYOOOO.

In closing, in the most inorganic and forced way possible, insert shameless self-promotion of C. Harrison’s new harlequin romance novel. Because apparently if you mediate a reality show with people looking for love, you’re now qualified to pen a novel. You do you, C.Harrison.

Next week it all comes to an end folks and I think I’m actually sad about it. Who will I make fun of on a weekly basis? Anyway, stay tuned to find out if Chris picks Becca or Whitney or if his head just hurts too much from everything being SO hard that he hightails it back to Arlington without a ~~hostage~~ wife.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Welcome to Amsterdam?”

The bitches are back together, because Yolanda forced them to be for a little light physical activity and serious competition in the Fantastic Race. More importantly, ma gurl Camille is back. I’m assuming the girls are told to wear workout gear, which is why I’m not at all surprised that Kyle shows up in yoga pants with a pink belt slung around her hips. Stop being such a tryhard, Kyle. Kim hears the rules of the game and immediately says, “I don’t wanna” like she’s a child being forced to go down for a nap. The guys draw names for teams as if they don’t realize they’re throwing enemies together like Molotov cocktails, they totally do. It’s what they’re getting paid for. Brandi and Kyle are put on the same team of course. The rules are given very explicitly…no ubers. A loud collective groan is heard from the group of women who would take a taxi across the street.

Eileen is going HAM on this race and will take no prisoners, which is unfortunate because Kim is acting like she’s a prisoner on her team being forced to compete. Her knees are hurting and she doesn’t want to drink a milkshake wah wah, Eileen’s like FINE I GUESS WE’LL LOSE BECAUSE OF DEAD WEIGHT. It soon becomes clear that finishing a milkshake is probably the hardest thing you could ever ask this group of women to do. Kyle complains that Brandi left the herp on the straw they’re sharing and Yo & the Lisa sandwich team has an all out war for chocolate vs. vanilla. Chocolate wins and Yolanda doesn’t let anyone forget that she voted for ‘nilla.

Pretty much everyone involved in this activity hates it, and I can’t imagine why women who brawl every time they’re around each other wouldn’t love a group bonding scavenger hunt. It’s baffling. Eileen and Kim argue over how to open a clue, Lisa convinces her team to cheat and catch a ride, and finally when they arrive Lisa has absolutely no tolerance for the last puzzle and says F this let me in, I’m the owner of this joint. Due to technicalities, Team Eileen wins, and victory suits them well because they’ve stopped bickering long enough to accept the gold medal. The only camera time Camille got this entire race is when she said goodbye to everyone, for shame. Then Yolanda announces one more game and the rules are as follows: sit there and glare at Yolanda and she will surprise you with a rich people trip to Amsterdam. Ding, ding, ding, you’re all winners!!!

Then we get to the real meat of this week’s episode, watching everyone pack their designer gowns and delegate the stuff that they most likely never do around the house to the housekeeping staff for while they’re away. Life is really hard when someone tells you that you’re going to Amsterdam for a week to F around, I guess. Yolanda facetimes (she figured it out!!!) her mom to warn her of the crazy bitches that are about to invade her home country. This whole conversation is in Dutch and it is mesmerizing to watch the great Yo fluently speak in another language like a real cultured class act.

Speaking of class, the first leg of the trip begins and naturally it’s on a private chartered jet with the likes of Babyface. Before even boarding the plane, Kim reveals that she hates Rinna because Brandi two-faced Glanville threw Rinna under the bus to Kim. Hey Brandi, youse a dick. Yolanda acts as flight attendant once everyone has boarded the yacht of the sky, she walks around handing out magazines like chicken or beef—trash mag or GQ for you today? Within minutes of being in the air, Rinna calls Kim out for her pouty I hate you act and there’s no better place for a fight than when you’re stuck in the sky is what I always say. Kyle hides under a blanket while Rinna apologizes and Kim shouts DROP IT NOW. Whoa, that escalated quickly. Kyle is embarrassed that her sister is fighting in front of Babyface but let’s not forget that shitty song “I Love My Life” that BF made up at Yo’s dinner party so he should still be the one who’s embarrassed.

In Calgary, the women attend a charity event for the David Foster Foundation. Brandi rolls in wearing fake bangs that I can only assume she found at Claire’s and are velcroed on. Woof, girl. Yo gets up to speak about how obsessed with her husband she is, nothing new here, really. Kyle fangirls all over Steven Tyler and looks like a real creep…she brags about him kissing her but is this really something to brag about? Rinna dances like a Lakers Girl in the crowd and it is confirmed that I want Rinna at any party I ever throw.

Once the gaggle of housewives arrive in Amsterdam, chaos ensues. Kyle can’t find her rolling bag which contains all her jewels. It’s not a child…but it IS her jewelry. (Her words not mine, unfortunately.) Brandi reassures her by saying no one steals shit in Holland, it’s scientific fact. They all overload the escalator with their hundreds of bags containing juicers and an exhausting amount of outfit changes and create a pileup like a bunch of morons who shouldn’t be allowed in public. Then Kim shits in Kyle’s mouth for being late for once in her life. Everyone boards a bus from the airport to their destination where Kim and Kyle talk about each other to Yo and Rinna respectively while they sit one seat apart. Amsterdam is shaping up to be REAL entertaining and I look forward to next week to find out if Lisa is all talk or if she’s really going to hit that blunt.

Extra Highlights:

-Rinna telling us in her aside that she hates the whole G-D scavenger hunt/race and then flips off the camera. Can’t hold a Rinna down.

– “We don’t have a fucking butler on this trip.”-Brandi just keepin it real. She doesn’t need a butler like Kyle does, all she needs is a headband with fake bangs attached to it to go with her evening wear.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Time to Get Down to Biz…On Sacred Ground

This week starts out in the mystical land of Bali. Prince Farming may be out of his element because there are actual people in this city but he doesn’t let it shake him as he shouts in a market like a foreigner and plays instruments with starving children. He’s so cultured now. I’m really proud. He stares out at the water with his new monkey friends and ponders what it will be like to finally bang one out after weeks of tonguing every woman he speaks to.

Kaitlyn’s Date

Kaitlyn and Chris go to a local temple, no kissing allowed, and Kaitlyn must cover up her buhhole hanging out of her tight pink cutoffs plus her open back top. Show some respect, gurl. They balance baskets on their heads and Chris wears a turban that makes him look like more of an idiot than usual. Chris introduces Kaitlyn as his girlfriend to the villagers, so apparently we’re now watching sister wives. “Everyone is so nice here,” Chris and Kaitlyn agree… and it has absolutely nothing to do with the camera crew following them around. They kick it with their monkey friends who they feed bananas to. The monkeys inspire Kaitlyn to go after what she wants: Chris’s banana.

Later at dinner, Kaitlyn is shaking and she doesn’t know why…I’m guessing it’s because she’s visibly shaken by how sweaty Chris is. Chris sweats in regular moderate temps and as you can imagine, putting him in a tropical atmosphere has pushed his hyperhidrosis through the roof. Bro has pit stains down to his waist. Kaitlyn is having a hard time letting her guard down, Chris tries to relate but ummm I’m pretty sure you’re not also vulnerable Chris, this is your show and you have the upper hand. Quit bitching and choose your biddy. Chris invites Kaitlyn to the fantasy suite, and follows it up with, “I think we deserve this…” AKA “I think I deserve to get a little ‘tration after several weeks of foreplay.” Kait is falling in love with him and is also ready to sex it up in an all expenses paid resort.

Whitney’s Date

Whitney runs into Chris’s arms and wraps her legs around him, because apparently every female contestant is obsessed with the leg wrap greeting. They have a yacht picnic in the Indian Ocean like they’re Jay & Bey or something. The 12-year-old yacht conductor (?) drives the massive boat into the dock, so things start off with a real bang. Whit throws mad shade at sis Kimberly just because she wouldn’t give her approval last week and isn’t living in La La Reality TV Land. Whitney, please don’t apologize for a sister who has rational thought. Chris responds with like don’t worry about it, it’s awkward and stuff. Whitney is reassured. They jump in the water to be spontaneous, but I’m just concerned that Whitney’s going to come out about 4 shades lighter after that spray tan mixes with the Indian Ocean. The creepy child driver is rooting them on as they make out like a solid peeping Tom.

Whit sashays into dinner in a dazzling lime green vacation maxi dress. Whitney reminds Chris that she never got to see Arlington and Chris is like lemme paint a picture for you: there’s 4 people who live there and there’s nothing to do there at all so you have to go other places. I spend most of my time on the couch as a shut in, so would you like to live there with me? Whitney’s like hey I would never choose to live there but I want to be a wife and mom lalala. I’m going to leave my entire career behind for you, mostly because I’m guessing they don’t need any fertility clinics in Arlington, maybe they should focus on grocery stores first. And with that, Whitney has created the new feminist motto: I’ll give up everything just to marry you. Career schmareer. She’s rewarded for her good woman decisions with the fantasy suite.

Becca’s Date

Welcome to Bali, Becca—check out this small child carrying 100 lbs of vegetables on his head while you stare at him in your leather romper and stress about your virgin confession! Chris gets to see how people without tractors (or simple technology) farm, and it’s really exciting for him to watch the hard labor. They kick it with some of the toddlers who are probably on their lunch break from work and take pictures, rubbing their iPhones in these poor children’s faces. Then they see a love guru/medium/someone wearing a turban. He tells Chris that Becca is hard to control. But then also tells them to make love in order for their date to go well. Chris clearly slipped him a 20 beforehand. This will pay for his rent for three years. Becca is starting to feel temptations though because vacation sex, and they’re making out in a babbling brook.

Chris says that he can envision a life with every single one of these girls. This is when my wine buzz kicks in and I shout at my TV: YOU CAN ONLY PICK ONE, CHRIS. FIGURE IT OUT! Becca word vomits a lot of stupid stuff about trying to find someone to love, and also points out how small Arlington is, like Chris DOESN’T KNOW, gawd Becca you’re SO STUPID. Becca’s real unsure of if she’s ready to commit to such a shitty town when she’s never been in love before and doesn’t know how love feels or anything. Chris replies, oh PS I think I’m falling in love with you too just like everyone else–because he can’t bear to say something to one girl and not the rest. No one left behind. Except for Kardashley, whose body can be found in the Badlands. He also gives her a fantasy suite so that he can sharesies whatever he has leftover from the last two bang sesh’s he just had. (Side note: am I the only one who things it’s a little suspicious that all these girls are AOK with him taking each one of them for a test drive in the same weekend?)

Once they’re fantasy suite-ing it up she’s like ok, TRUTH BOMB TIME. You ain’t getting any tonight! When Becca admits she’s a virg, Chris is smirking so uncomfortably and has quite literally no idea how to respond to it. “I’m glad that…uhh…I respect…um I’m surprised…and um, uh….that’s the truth.” Becca is FLOORED at how perfect his response is. WHAT WORLD AM I LIVING IN? That response was turrible.

The next morning…Chris says the night went swimmingly (as swimmingly as a night without fantasy suite porking can go) and while Becca walks along the beach, he ponders if he should lock the virgin out. Girl has no idea as she walks through the waves that Chris is quietly sobbing into the infinity pool about possibly having to cut her loose.

Chris sits down with C.Harrison to tell him he’d like to choose polygamy and move to Utah with these three boo’s. C.Harrison is like cut the shit and pick one. This week’s drinking buzz word is clarity, and boy does Chris need some in this Bali tropical fog to help him send one packing.

Rose Ceremony

The gang all gathers at a holy ground where it is vital that C. Harrison tells Chris not to rape anyone’s mouths here because that’s extremely disrespectful. I also find this orange belt on Chris pretty disrespectful but who am I to judge. Things are immediately SO hard, so he pulls Becca aside to chat. Becca knows she’s on the chopping block and she’s like I’m definitely in love with you now so don’t send me home. Becca says she’ll do whatever it takes just to stay with him. I finally have to cover my eyes to shield them from all of the female groveling that is occurring for a man who giggled when she confessed she’s a virgin.

After Chris collected his thoughts and exhaled for an exorbitant amount of time to fill the remaining ten minutes, he gives Whitney the first rose. The second rose goes to Becca and Kaitlyn has the BEST “bitch, please” look on her face.

Kaitlyn and Chris say their goodbyes. She handles it like a champ considering he dealt with this like he did with every woman on this show, baby bitch style. He blubbers about how hard it was and how confused he is…and clarity… and she just lets him dribble out a whole lot of dumb. Girl scoops up her pride and dignity and peaces on out of Bali. Kaitlyn is the bomb.com and words cannot express how happy I am that he axed her so she can walk free and do cool shit and not end up with this DUD.

Best Quotes:

“This is a great start to the beginning of the rest of our life.” Does Kaitlyn know that everyone else also got bang suites?

“I’m thankful we didn’t get eaten by sharks today.”- Chris should probably be more thankful their child yacht driver got them safely back to shore rather than the slim chance that camera crews allowed them to swim in shark-infested waters.

“Unfortunately it’s not so cut and dry.”- C. Harrison. Whoa, this is what they pay you the big bucks for? C.Harrison is a modern day therapist coming in hot with the tough love advice. Just kidding, he’s paid to just sit there and agree that things are REALLY HARD.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Surprise!”

The Extreme Fighting: Housewives edition has come to a screeching halt and I’m having severe withdrawals. Ya gotta let us down easy, Andy. This week’s episode went back to the boring ho hum of everyone getting along at social events and pairing off for peaceful hangouts. Yawn.

Yo still doesn’t know how to Face Time and also has Brandi over for more yoga with sexy yoga instructor Keith, who coincidentally also has the personality of a rock. Yolanda made Brandi do the 21 day cleanse with her because everyone was sick of her turning into Jenny from the Block every time she had a few cocktails. Yoli is so proud of her little girl for staying drink free that she announces it to Yoga Keith, who basically says who cares let’s get back to the silent workout I’m being paid for.

Everyone talks about the Kim & Kyle sitch except for Kim & Kyle, which is always really healthy. Lisa sits down with Kyle to hash it out as she sits atop her throne and twirls her reading specs. No but actually Lisa gives some really good advice when she tells Kyle to maybe not react so much when Brandi attacks her and try to understand that Kim’s treating her like a pile of dog shit because they’re sisters and she knows that relationship will always be there no matter what. Eileen on the other hand got herself directly involved when she tried to play family counselor at a high-end restaurant, which naturally progressed into an F-bomb fest. Eileen lunches with her hubs Vincent and talks about how maybe that wasn’t her best idea. Vin thinks the girls are making too much of it, proving again that he doesn’t understand how the housewives franchise works. Eileen doesn’t understand why these two nimrods don’t just see a therapist. I too, wonder that, Eileen. Vincent continues to be a bozo when they discuss the “screenplay table read” party that they’re having (ONLY IN BEVERLY HILLS) and Vincent insists they should serve drinks to get everyone loose enough to act. HEY VINCENT, do you not remember peering out of the window in your garage only to see a driveway full of women in stilettos beating each other? Is that still not engraved in your mind’s eye? Maybe Eileen’s right and this should probably be a dry party, as much as I hate to say it because that obviously means SNOOZE fest. Vincent and Eileen also get some scallops complimentary from the chef because they have cameras taping their lunch but they act like it’s because they’re celebrities, which is pretty hilarious.

Kyle & Kim and Rinna & Lisa carpool respectively to the table read, which just gives them an excuse to gossip. Rinna and Lisa talk about how Kim’s fallen off the wagon and there is absolutely NO way that Lisa will ever intervene in that again after sobriety attack #1 under the Eiffel Tower. Rinna’s like what’s the big deal, I could take Kim. Meanwhile Kim and Kyle pretend they’re Gucci now except for the fact that Kim says Brandi is really wretched sometimes but then she owns it so it’s okay and Kyle says maybe Brandi should STFU. Ho hum, just a loving sister chat.

At the party, Eileen is wearing overalls and a see through lace tank. Seriously, first the bucket hat and now the overalls? I’m not kidding about Mary Kate & Ashley circa the late 90’s being this chick’s style muse. Vincent’s bros are there and Kim tells a riveting story about the time she was a child actor and saw Betty Davis without her wig because she HID in her dressing room like a classified creep. This is why we can’t trust children. Whoa, where’d that come from? Just kidding. Sorta. LISA IS AN ACTRESS? WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS HER FACE? Rinna, who reminds us that she’s an actress daily, is side swept to the announcer role of the screenplay, yikes talk about your craft being dumped on. She’s in a room with two child actors who have been out of work since the 80’s and a music video star and she’s the narrator. Dem’s the breaks. It’s probably because she doesn’t even have an EMMY LIKE EILEEN DOES. Kim has a weird puppet role that suits her quite well and everyone slyly makes fun of this stupid poker puppet script in the same way they made fun of Eileen’s dumb space movie they were forced to watch in cheap polyester seats. The party ends with Lisa getting her hands on that Emmy and giving a touching speech about sleeping her way to the top. Also the girls act concerned for Kim and she cries about Monty and says Brandi is her BFF because they BBQ together and it gets her out of her house that smells like death.

The big event that brings the whole gang together, including GASP Kathy Hilton, who isn’t even a twat this episode, is Lisa’s surprise birthday party. Ken pulls it together and gives Brandi a call to invite her and also tell her to be on her best behavior, which of course means she can’t drink or speak, NBD. Lisa is 54, which means Ken is about to be put in a nursing home. Kim, the beloved Kathy Hilton, Brandi and her random guy friend who keeps popping up at inopportune times all ride to Lisa’s party together. Kathy doesn’t want to get in the middle of anything but she says it with a twinkle in her eye and a quick cackle. Obviously by her even riding in with that group she knows Kyle’s gonna go apeshit and she rubs her hands together in anticipation. Kathy also takes a dig at Brandi for not drinking with her at the party, what a firecracker that woman is, I tell ya. JK can we go back to episodes of her talking down to Kim and Kyle now in her I’m more rich and famous than either of you will ever be manner? Ken tries to get Lisa to Pump for her surprise party and she’s being a real bitch about it telling him she can’t be bothered with an extra stop on the way to dinner.

He drags her into the restaurant and her friends shoot up from the bar and I’m pretty sure Lisa shits her pants, which was everything I ever needed to see. Lance Bass is here. I know that because they show him a bunch of times and also add his name as IF we don’t know who he is. So much star power, one gay club. Lisa tries to start unnecessary drama with Brandi but because Brandi’s sober she’s like k whatever, which I think is more shocking than her replying with I’ll punch you square in your teeth holder. Brandi goes to the bathroom and Lisa’s gets on the mic for a toast and is all knock knock (who’s there?) IT’S THAT BITCH BRANDI WHO I HATE. And no one laughs and she has to be like I’m kidddddinnngg dahlingsssss, take a joke. Then she goes over and rips a flower out of Brandi’s head and tells her she must sing a song about how much she loves her cause it’s her birthday after all. I’m getting the vibe that Lisa’s the kind of gal who has a birthday month and anyone who doesn’t attend every event is dead to her. Brandi accepts the hazing and sings that she loves Lisa in a real ear-shattering voice and everyone laughs at her, not with her. Then Lisa gets her hands on that mic and doesn’t let go, crooning some jazz song and forcing others to join her and suck her D via melody. If I was at this party I would’ve bounced the second the singing began because it is ROUGH. It’s like when the drunk girls start to get weepy, time to bizounce. And in the end Lisa gets a massive pink diamond that she previously tried on and Ken takes a lot of heat for having THE NERVE to invite Brandi. No drinks are thrown, no F-bombs screeched, and certainly no bracelets scratching. SURPRISE-This party’s a dud, even Kim thought so as she dodged half-assed interventions all night, obviously just warming up for the big one next week. Here’s hoping that turns into a real doozy or else we’re done for this season now that everyone’s sobering up.

Notable Moments:

-Brandi calling Rinna, Kyle and Lisa sing/slobbering all over each other the “Menopause mamas fighting for the mic.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.

-Eileen points out that these women can talk about their vaginas till the cows come home. Pretty accurate and something I’ve become quite immune to.

-Yo is throwing a party next week and she’s making Dream Team tee’s, allowing us to gloriously flashback to the days when she had a long slicked back mane and put hearts on certain place cards. Ah the dream team days ❤ Things were much simpler then.

RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- Sister Act

I missed the first fifteen minutes of last night’s episode and although I can never come to terms with missing a bitch fight at a tops and bottoms party, I can also assume that what I missed didn’t amount to much. We saw the meat of this fight last week and I’m guessing what continued this week was more hysterics, more booze and more of Kyle’s chicken wings soaring through the air as she over-animatedly points and jabs at Kim as Brandi grabs “her gay” and slinks away into the cool Hollywood air.

Brandi is fully on the defense this episode as she tries to rationalize to all her haters why she is such a twat. She doesn’t really present a good argument when she declares that she pushes the envelope because her mother always taught her that if everyone is talking about her she’s okay but it’s when everyone stops talking about her that it’s bad news bears. Brandi will never apologize to Kyle. She would also like the same publicist as Chelsea Handler because it bothers her that Chels can say whatever she wants and get away with it whereas Brandi gets drunk, tells someone their husband doesn’t want them and suddenly everyone’s on her case.

Yo invites Brandi over to do yoga with a beautiful muscly bald man. Yo is trying to trick Brandi into being a calmer human being who doesn’t threaten to knock someone’s teeth out at a party. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that the downward dog doesn’t cure her because as they chat afterwards, Yo tries telling Brandi that everyone’s talking about her being a raging alcoholic and Brandi gets preeettyyy sassy. Her rebuttal is to point out that “people” say Bella is an alcoholic, but she’s not soooo s’all good. Everyone in America knows to never take a jab at Yolanda’s children and she gets amped up about this personal attack from Brandi. I dig that Yolanda stands up for herself and tells Brandi to cut the shit because she’s the only one trying to defend her and help her out of this big lake of wine that Brandi has drowned herself in. Brandi swears she wasn’t attacking Yolanda and says, “Everything I do is for my children.” Hey B, just to clarify, when you sloshed a glass of wine in Eileen’s face was that for your children? You can get back to me on that one.

In attempts to make Eileen a more crucial part of the show, the girls get together to attend the Burbank Film Festival at a shopping mall amongst commoners to support Eileen’s new film. On the way over there’s ample time to talk shit about Brandi and Kim who were selectively not invited. Rinna keeps calling them both addicts and completely expects Brandi to come after her. She knows she’s dug herself a grave with all these aggress finger-pointing comments and she’s already picked out a Louie body bag. I love the fact that Rinna is self-aware in her shit-talking. She also figures out that Brandi loves attention good or bad and hmm that makes me think of Brandi’s motto to live by she just revealed about five minutes ago. COULD IT BE?! Did we figure out the secret to Brandi’s success? AND ALSO ALL OF HOLLYWOOD?

Once they get to the theater, Kyle pretends to be joking about how most people go to Cannes and they’re at the Burbank Film Festival. She’s saying it in a funny voice like she thinks it’s hilar but we know sweet, self-absorbed, Kyle and her eyes are saying that she can’t even with this D List festival and she’s about to text Paris Hilton and beg for a plus one to her next celebrity event. Kyle doesn’t slum it. The girls hit up the concession stand for soda, hot dogs and popcorn that we all know they’re just pretending to eat on camera to make them look like cool girls who don’t care about what they eat (Also the same reason Kyle has Fatburger at her INFAMOUS white party every year.) While they’re attacking wieners and making sexual jokes, Eileen is working the 1 camera, 6 inch red carpet being interviewed by a man who doesn’t evne know what soap she stars in. Poor, poor Eileen is made to look like a real trash monster at this festival and I’m guessing this is how we keep the housewives grounded. The ladies move into the theater and lay napkins down on the red polyester seats to create a safe nest to rest their designer gowns upon. The movie starts and it’s a space flick called Stranger on a Pentagon. The mere 1 minute that we see is God awful and I can only imagine what it would’ve been like to sit through it full-length. The girls are shocked to see something so terrible and at a SHOPPING MALL nonetheless, not even the privacy of their home theater. They tell Eileen that she did a good job in a tone that really says that movie was garbage and you should have paid me for coming here today.

After the movie premiere from hell, Lisa is licking Gigi when Max walks in smelling of booze. She gets real judgey with him about going out on the town and he calls Lisa out for partying when he was a small child. She doesn’t really deny it. He has his genealogy results in one of the most drawn out subplots of Housewives ever. Spoiler alert: he’s Scandinavian and Irish. They show some pictures of Lisa pre-plastic surgery holding a baby Max and it’s the most shocking thing to ever happen on this show. Human moments from Lisa Vanderpump with a younger face. They have a moment when Max tells Lisa that she’ll always be his mom and she says good, now fetch me a cup of tea.

Eileen tries to bring Kim and Kyle together because her sister just died, and she lost another one of her sisters 4 years ago. She wants to teach these two vapid former child actors that life is short while she acts as the therapeutic mediator in a public place. As we’ve learned, public places are always great for these sorts of things. It starts out tame with I love you’s from both sides. Suddenly, the background music heightens and so does the shouting. Kyle doesn’t appreciate being made to look like a shitty sister and also being told her husband hates her. Kim doesn’t appreciate how Kyle has neglected her addiction and continues her love affair with Brandi, the BFF. Eileen immediately regrets everything. And to be clear, for someone who had a poker party that ended in a brawl in her driveway, I’m a little perturbed as to why Eileen thought this would go smoothly. Kim wants Eileen to butt out, because she’s basically wearing horn-rimmed glasses and taking notes at this point. Just because you’ve played a therapist in outer space (probably), doesn’t mean you are one, GURL.

The episode closes on the meeting of two leopards, Brandi and Rinna. Even though they look like a couple of matching idiots auditioning for The Jersey Shore, it’s completely glossed over and Rinna says real talk: why are you such a bitch, Brandi? Brandi tells Rinna that she has a temper blah blah blah and that she’s Kim’s only BFF and it’s a lot of pressure for her to handle. Brandi legit can’t even with being Kim’s only friend. Since she’s also known for being a blabbermouth she basically spills the beans that Kim’s probz no longer sober but she can’t really prove it. Apparently if Brandi called Kim out she would die. So we’re definitely not being dramats about this. Rinna takes the reins and admits, “You all need an intervention.” And I go to bed tonight praying that Rinna stages a full-on Housewives intervention.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Drama Queens”

It’s a new week and a new event to publicly fight at and I’m feeling very blessed that Kyle decided to throw a gay mixer for attention because it’s the perfect platform for Round 2 in the Sister vs BFF Battle Royale. But first we must focus on the prep for the party so that Kyle can bask in the glow of a party planning spotlight. While setting up the tops and bottoms gay mixer, Kyle appoints herself spokeswoman for her gays because she’d like to be the whistleblower on their casual sex preferences. Officer Kyle wants to keep the gays off Grindr and onto penetrating at a party she hosts instead so she can get full credit.

While Kyle debates if she would be a top or a bottom, or most likely both, so as not to be outdone…Yo and David are going to Italy for a charity event with Andrea Bocelli and George Clooney. It’s unclear whether the charity event is in fact Clooney’s wedding to “the most fascinating woman in America” according to Barbara Walters. Yo packs and tells us, “My husband is very generous because he’s willing to travel all over the world for charity.” If someone paid for me to go to Italy I would be reaaallll charitable too. I love the fact that Yo is gallivanting around NYC and Italy and doing genuinely cool things instead of becoming a trashmonster by association who watches women use their spikey bracelets to physically harm one another. Stay pure, Yoli.

Mizz Ice Queen, shows a thawed out side this week as her son Max is interested in finding out his heritage. Apparently Lisa wasn’t prepared for her adopted son to ever wonder about his birth parents. Lisa, have you ever watched a television show in your life? That’s literally what every adopted child does as soon as they’re old enough. She finally agrees to let him look into it. I suspect it comes down to one question: MAX, ARE YOUR BIRTH PARENTS GOING TO HAVE SWANS IN THEIR FRONT YARD? No competition. I rest my case.

Brandi visits Kim who has finally been released from the hospital and is wearing a coordinated leopard sweatsuit with her hair styled and blush suited for a haunted porcelain doll, just puttsing around the house. Kim was in the hospital for a week with a hernia and some broken ribs from… coughing? Can we get a doctors’ note on this? Things aren’t adding up here. Brandi wonders aloud, “What is a hernia anyway?” Kim’s only reply is a juicy coughing fit. Safe to say she doesn’t know either. Kyle and Kim also have a heart to heart where Kim admits that before going to the poker party, Monty said, “Take one of my pain pills, it will make you feel better.” Kim opened wide and he tossed it in her mouth like she was catching a cheeseball as a party trick while his body continued to wither away on her couch. Something tells me Kim would take candy from a man in a rape van without questioning it. Apparently it was a pill for Monty’s cancer, which is totally interchangeable for hernias and stuff. Is this enough evidence to present a case for a live-in RN at Kim’s house? Just wondering. Anyway, apparently the sisters forgive and forget and cry a little because they love each other forever and ever.

It’s the night of the Gays, FINALLY. Kyle wears a turquoise sparkle stretch mini with her melons (literally she has to keep tugging to keep her nipples from coming out to play) and ass out, cause like she’s partying with gays so it’s FINE to dress like a 20 year old at a club. The rest of the housewives follow suit, confirming every woman’s stereotype that she can dress slutty around gays because they’re not interested. Does that mean that I can dress slutty at work because my female boss isn’t interested orrrr does it not apply in this sitch? Pls advise. Each housewife brings a few gays like they brought a few old dresses from their closet to Lisa’s homeless teen luncheon a few weeks ago. They try to pair their last season gays off like mating pandas the second they walk in the door. The mixer game of the night is guess the celeb on your back with yes or no questions. Rinna and Lisa kiss to get Kyle to guess Katy Perry and it’s not how the game is supposed to be played but who caaaaress because friends kissing is OK at a tops and bottoms party.

Kim (or the producers who slyly rub their hands together and dream up ways to create confrontation) decides to bring uninvited Brandi to the party to mend the fences. On the way over, Brandi totes thinks that they can just sweep the poker brawl under the rug and blame it on the booze, blame it on the ah-ah-ah-alch-a-haul. It becomes clear as soon as she shows up that Kyle will be hitting the booze to cope with Brandi’s party crashing ways. Drink up, girl. You need a straw? Let’s get things started. In no time, both women have done their best to work the room and get everyone at the party separately involved in their fight by gossiping and seeking advice from them. I’m assuming before the gays pair off they ask if the other is Team Brandi or Team Kyle. (For the record, if anyone’s wondering I’m Team Neither, or Team Yolanda, if you will.)

In the first heat of the night, Kyle gets herself worked up talking to her handler ladysitter, recalling everything Brandi has ever done to her. With the visions of Brandi accusing Mauricio of cheating dancing in her head, Kyle storms over to Brandi, Kim and Lisa and delivers a very gritty apology for pushing Brandi’s arm down BUT also told Brandi she should’ve never gotten in the middle of sisters. Lisa scampers away as fast as her sky high glitter pumps will take her and it is ON like Donkey Kong. Kyle has obviously set Brandi up to fill in the blanks for a return apology. Oh sweet, dumb Kyle, when has Brandi ever backed down and let someone put words in her mouth? Brandi tells Kyle, I accept your apology but I know everything about you and your sis, so shut up. Kyle takes this really well. Just kidding she loses her shit and starts throwing F bombs at Brandi and telling her that she’s a disgusting uninvited rude bitch piece of dirty garbage. I might be paraphrasing here. Kim and Brandi look at Kyle half amused and half scared, hoping that she’ll tire herself out from her tantrum and put herself down for a nappy soon enough.

Brandi defends herself by saying that she actually helped plan this party (and there’s a flashback to prove it, thank God for the constant camera crews otherwise we wouldn’t have this evidence.) Kyle denies everything and continues to spiral further and further into her meltdown. At one point she yells this at Brandi, “You know what they say. If you meet more than one asshole a day then most likely you’re the asshole.” If that isn’t the words of the prophets that were written on the subway wall, then I don’t know what is. I will forever live my life by that statement. More than one asshole=I’m an asshole. Got it, Kyle. Brandi feels threatened that Kyle might grab her arm again, to which Kyle shouts that it was her EFFING SHARP BRACELET, NOT HER. At this point I’m huddled in the corner of my room, a blanket covering my eyes, reminding myself that this fight comes down to a byproduct of jewelry scratches. Brandi doesn’t care if a diamond scratched her or Kyle did because she wants to knock Kyle’s teeth out. Classic. There’s a few more “disgustings” thrown around, a “your husband doesn’t want you” and finally the tried and true, “you hurt my feelings” from Kim, mixed with ever flowing tears of course. EVERYONE CUT IT OUT WITH THE FIGHTING, KIM’S FEELINGS ARE HURT. Let’s all write each other one fuzzy wuzzy, apologize and hug and we’ll move on to snack time. Will we make it to snack time or will someone need a new set of front veneers first? Stay tuned to see the continuation next week of the only club the gays don’t love—Fight Club.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Where is New Mexico?

This week’s episode starts out with Chris in Santa Fe staring up at a sky full of hot air balloons wondering how a balloon could float in the air AND hold a person. He’s lost in trying to fathom the meaning of the world as the girls find out that they’ll be visiting him in New Mexico for some dates. They all immediately Google if this is an area of Mexico that’s newer, and get their passports ready for a flight two states over. Shh, if we feed them Mexican food they won’t know the difference.

Hey Chris, the balloons are that way…ohh nevermind.

“Let’s Come (Cum?) Together” with Carly

Carly wins the one on one date—she looks surprised, mostly because her eyebrows are frozen like that. They have a date with a love guru who looks like one of the Egyptian vampires who came to Forks to help the Cullen’s fight the Volturi in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2. She pumps a lot of smoke into the room that I can only presume smells like the incense they swing around church on Easter and they’re both told to chant. Chris has a higher pitched voice than Carly and he should probably go into hiding now because that’s so embarrassing. But no, that’s not even the humiliating part of this date. It gets worse when they’re asked to feel each other up and then strip in front of the lady wearing a tube top and a scarf. These two prudes get real uncomfy undressing and smearing chocolate on each other (I can’t understand why) and opt for talking about their feelings instead. Oh and Carly sits on his lap, flattens his boner and they breathe into each other’s mouths Darth Vader style. Seriously, Chris I think you have a deviated septum, stop snarling while you breathe. They rape each other’s mouths after this breathing exercise and mushroom cut guru stares on from a mere inch away.

I understand the date name now.

Later on, Carly admits next to a crackling fire that her last boyfriend thought she was disgusting and wouldn’t touch her. She talks about how insecure she is about being an ugly woman who guys don’t want to sex. Chris reassures her by telling her she’s cool and smart like he’s signing her yearbook in 8^th grade. She gets a rose and admits this is the first reciprocate relationship she’s had in a while and I hate to be the one to remind her that he’s also dating 10 other women.

“I’m Rapidly Falling In Love” Group Date

They all go white water rafting and Jade gets tossed from the raft and of course she also happens to have a condition that gives her hypothermia in normal temperatures so she gets a personal foot rub to warm up from Chris. Kelsey turns into the green-eyed monster and begins her swan dive off the deep end that will culminate in a staged panic attack at the end of this episode. Stay Tuned.

Hey everyone remember Jordan? She always had an IV of wine hooked up and she twerked on the bathroom wall then demanded Chris kiss her before he finally did, when he kissed her goodbye. Jordan makes a triumphant return asking for a sober second chance but also sneaking in the confession that she definitely has a drinking problem. Chris brings Jordan to the group date and Becca genuinely looks like Chris has just walked in with a yeti on his arm. The rest of the date is spent assembling a verdict for letting Jordan stay or not. Chris interviews the girls like they’re part of a jury to vote Boozy off the island. Jordan feels uncomfortable because all the girls obviously hate her for stealing their time; she goes to the bathroom for just long enough that I’m concerned she’s found the bar instead. Everyone tells Chris that it’s his decision but with their eyes they say that his decision should be to send Jordan home. Sack up and learn how to say no, Chris.

Finally after ruining the group date, he takes Jordan aside and tells her to kick rocks. She has a dramatic goodbye with the girls who just talked shit about her and she hugs every girl. Kelsey brings her in tight, pets her hair and whispers, “I’ll always admire you,” as she snips a lock of Jordan’s hair to add to her potion later. Whitney gets the rose for being there for the “right reasons.” KardASHLEY cries about it because she hasn’t thrown a tantrum yet this episode. Later she bitches to Mackenzie, her soundboard about how Whitney is a fake asshole who hates her for no reason. Note: KardASHLEY is wearing a top as a dress, yet there’s no black censor box, apparently Jillian took it with her when she left.

“Sky’s The Limit” with Britt

Britt gets the date card and immediately bursts into tears not because Carly just told her to shower for once, but because she’s deathly afraid of heights. Chris wakes Britt up for their date at 430AM and he’s really impressed with how she looks in the morning, probably because she has a full face of makeup on, including red lipstick. Britt let’s leave it to Beyonce to wake up like this, k? Carly has to watch them make out and is pezzed at Britt, the dirty old sock on the suite floor. Britt and Chris take a sunrise hot air balloon ride and Britt shows absolutely no fear of heights. Hmm…Could she be bi-curious AND dramatic?

Chris takes her back to his hotel room where Britt tells Chris that she wants 100 kids. Apparently Chris is into saggy vaginas that drag on the ground because he gives her the rose. They have some sloppy kisses and Chris shows her what’s behind door #3. Hint: it’s his penis. Back at the Mexican house, the ladies eat taquitos and talk shit about Britt and how she showers once a year and told them she doesn’t want to get married or have kids. They all agree Britt is a hoebag and also a fleabag. Later, Britt recaps for the girls and confirms their fears, “we ordered room service and took a nap.” That’s what the kids are calling hide the snake these days? Ok, Britt. And just because I feel like I’m stingy with the compliments, I’ll add that Britt’s hair was ON POINT for this date, clean or full of bugs, it didn’t matter because her glossy mane got her a one way ticket to Poundtown.

Kelsey hears about this “nap” and it lights a fire under her sensible shoes. After revealing to KardASHLEY and her minion (Mackenzie) the story of her husband dying earlier in the episode, Kelsey feels like she must tell Chris before the rose ceremony. She surprises Chris in his hotel room. Kelsey tells the tale of Sanderson Poe, her husband and also the character from a 1950’s story. She shows some emotion when telling it this time around (as opposed to, “SHIT HAPPENS HAHA” earlier with the girls.) The story now has a happy ending, because Kelsey gets her first kiss from Chris. Kelsey thanks her dead husband, who is probably watching over her with a monocle, for guaranteeing her pity rose and smooch. Also would we put it past Kelsey to murder someone? Just throwing it out there, but it will quickly be redacted if Kelsey ever reads this, for my own safety of course.

Chris tries to give a pre-rose speech about his emotional talk with Kelsey. GODDAMNIT, CHRIS PULL IT TOGETHER. Britt strokes Kelsey’s arm as she reveals how she snuck into Chris’s room to honor Sanderson, the greatest detective in Winston County. Kelsey turns on the tears to distract the dumbos around her from what she’s actually saying, which is that her husband died, Chris will obviously keep her around and she’ll cut a bitch that gets in her way.

Chris wah wahs to C.Harrison and wants to skip the social because he already knows whom he wants to cut loose. The girls are informed that they’ll be skipping right to the delete portion of the night and Kelsey announces that she doesn’t even want to do a rose ceremony because apparently she’s nervous Chris might’ve found her witches potion in her room that will trick him into marrying her. RIGHT after this little comment, Kelsey disappears and wouldn’t you know she has a very loud and aggress panic attack on the floor of the hallway. Is it too late for a last minute Oscar nom? I’ll find out. TO BE CONTINUED.

Roses (So Far): Carly, Whitney, Britt

Best Quotes:

“The hats & sombreros that they wear in Mexico, I don’t know if they wear that in New Mexico. I’m excited, I’ve never been out of the country” -Helmet Megan showing the damage her brain suffered courtesy of Chris’s brick wall. She also dons a sombrero at the end to show everyone that she’s racist. Indians and Mexicans are the same HAHA it’s FUNNY cause I’m wearing a BIG HAT.

“I just don’t think that you like her.”-Mackenzie trying to rationalize the babble that’s dribbling from KardASHLEY’s perfect red pout about Whitney being fake.

“Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic, but it’s amazing.”-Kelsey reciting a line from her future Lifetime movie about the murder of Chris Soules.

“This is harder than I thought it’d be.”-Chris crying about dating multiple women every single week.

“Now it’s just a big comparison game of sad stories.” –KardASHLEY summing up the plot of The Bachelor in one sentence. Who has a more depressing story? You’re CAST in this season of The Bachelor. Please inappropriately share it on national TV. Sorry that you’re only a virgin, KardASHLEY. Dem’s the pits.

Tune in next week to see an ambulance arrive and Kelsey pop up from the floor to admit she was just practicing a scene from Gone with the Wind. KardASHLEY cries some more and will we EVER find out who the hell Samantha is? Seriously, is this common for someone who’s never spoken to be kept around for this many weeks? Feel free to chime in on that.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “It’s Wack-A-Doodle Time”

Oh, the State of the Union Address from our president was on last night? Well you know what, knowing about world issues is for squares because instead of being informed of news and politics, I was enlightened on how middle aged women groom their bikini areas, or don’t groom—I’m lookin at you, Rinna. Same difference, really.

Kyle organizes a spa day in Santa Barbara to get away from the stress of taking her kid to college and being on family vacation. I fully expect Kyle to start singing “What’s Left of Me” by Nick Lachey as she recounts to Eileen how she dropped off Alexia and now half of her is missing. The gals take a windowless rape van to spa day and talk about their pubic hair en route. Insert Kim’s terrible joke about Harry liking it Hairy. Oh, KIM. Brandi assumes that Lisa doesn’t do her own bikini trimming, she makes Rosia do it. And you know what? She’s probably right.

“I’m a pamper whore,” Rinna confesses before she laughs like a cartoon character and I’ve finally figured out that she IS Kristen Wiig’s parody of Kathie Lee Gifford with less wine. That’s been bothering me for weeks and I’m glad I finally made the connection. Thanks for helping me work through that, guys. Anyway they manage to all get massages without fighting and only a few anal jokes from Brandi and they’re off to a wine tasting that Kyle thought was just a wine pairing, not a tasting (what’s the difference?) and now feels terrible that Kim has to watch everyone “taste” five glasses of wine and not be allowed to stick a straw in Brandi’s nearly empty glass for a quick sippy. Kim takes this time to reassure everyone she’s fine while simultaneously making a bunch of wine jokes like this is her own personal shitty reformed alcoholic comedy show. I assume this is the punishment these girls must face for drinking in front of her. On the rape van ride back, the girls divulge their secret fantasies. Kyle reveals that she wants to be a stripper professionally and the limo screeches to a halt, Brandi’s fake boob is dislodged, Rinna’s face hits the window, slides down the glass and still doesn’t move a muscle and Lisa shouts in the most surprised tone she could muster, “YOU WANT TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION? THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION, KYLE.” Did that really happen? Probably not, but it was really brave of Kyle to share that secret need for people’s eyes on her anyway. Brandi is feeling the courage being passed around so she includes her fantasy of catching her guy banging someone else from behind and suddenly the safe space has closed up and there’s a padlock on the door because everyone looks at her with disgust and tells her she’s a pervert. This basically sums up how all teenage slumber parties go. It’s all fun and games until someone reveals a little too much, then you’re sitting in the lunchroom alone.

Eileen is hosting a poker night because these women can only throw parties that cater to their husband’s talents/interests…(i.e. sing along dinner parties at the Foster home.) For those of you that have forgotten, Eileen’s husband Vincent hosts the world poker tournament or something. Miss Ice “My Maid Gives Me A Bikini Wax” Queen is conveniently on vacation and can’t make the tournament. For anyone whose still not keeping track, Lisa plans things so that she doesn’t have to lower herself to show up to these commoner events. I for one am thankful, because we don’t have to see Brandi and Lisa interact any more than a little pube talk from earlier.

Vincent is dressed in a vibrant magenta button down shirt and will be the moderator of the evening, and I don’t think he’s been to enough drunk tank parties with these ladies to realize just how serious his job will be. He’ll learn soon enough.

The ladies pair off to carpool so that I have more material for my recap, which was truly generous of them. Kim rides in with Rinna and immediately everyone on this planet knows she’s on something because Kim does not hide sloppiness well. Rinna asks her how she is and she just keeps repeating/slurring the word “Ornery”. Full disclosure, because I feel like this is a safe space and we’re all friends, I had to look that word up. Believe me, no one is more disappointed in me than myself that Kim Richards has a better vocabulary than me. Thank God they added closed caption for her incoherent chatter or I wouldn’t even be able to spell it. For the record, if anyone is asking for a friend what it means, it’s defined as ugly and unpleasant disposition/temper or in laymen’s terms: how Kim is acting for the entire evening. But anyway let’s not skip ahead just yet. I didn’t think any limo ride could get worse than the group “you tell your secret if I tell a secret” from earlier but boy it did. Kim talks about how lonely she’s feeling now that her dying ex-husband Monty disappeared (probably to go to Vegas) and no one should feel bad for him, everyone should feel bad for her. Number one lesson in taking care of a sick person. All the sympathy should be with the caregiver, obv. Kim then decides she should maybe start acting again and chooses that very moment to start practicing for the role of drugged out murderous bitch. She nails the part if we’re being honest, glaring at Rinna and calling her disgusting over and over and then telling her to F off. At one point Rinna almost breaks a window and tucks her elbows in to roll out of the moving vehicle like she’s escaping abduction. But alas, they arrive at Eileen’s warm and welcoming American Psycho meets Antique Roadshow home.

The tourney begins and I applaud the producers for suddenly turning a bunch of ladies wearing designer dresses to a game night into cigar smoking bad bitches ready to throw down. Vincent deserves all of the awards in the world for his efforts to teach a bunch of drunk idiots the game of poker. What he quickly learns is that they all have great poker faces because Botox. At the stroke of first call, Brandi rears her ugly alter ego of Boozy Brandi and starts calling all the actresses dumb because they suck at poker and don’t understand what’s going on. Kim peels her head off the table long enough to secure a win and suddenly she’s filled with the youthful energy of Brandi’s last bang buddy. Kim celebrates her and Brandi’s win by doing laps around the house, throwing streamers and setting off fireworks then looks at Kyle and SNEERS, “you jealous we won?” This should’ve been the point where the producers intervened and put baby Kimmy to bed, but obviously the show must go on so that we can watch this train wreck with horror and never look away. Vincent continues to talk to the ladies like he’s reading a storybook to a bunch of restless kindergarteners at the library and they continue to snarl at each other. Brandi then wins the whole tournament and her acceptance speech consists of “I’m the only non-actress here and you’re all stupid.” Mic drop. (Or in this case, award drop).

At the climax of this very realistic portrayal of what I imagine the Real Housewives of Vegas would look like, if it existed, Kyle and Kim go into the bathroom and Kim finally spills the beans, or the pills, that Dr. Monty apparently administered to her for some pain she’s been having. Apparently even on his deathbed Monty can still be an enabler and write a few prescriptions for his recovering addict of an ex-wife. Kim then gets a little sense that maybe she should kick rocks because this poker party is turning into an after school special and Brandi offers to walk her out. Boozy Brandi tells Kim she knows EXACTLY what she’s going through and then latches her talons into Kim’s arm and says that she’ll walk Kim around like a mannequin to say goodbye to everyone so she doesn’t cause any more trouble. At this point I’m having a hard time figuring out whom this tactic is protecting more…Boozy or Pills? Regardless, Kyle tries to get through the human shield that is Boozy so she can talk to Pills and Kyle gets a little too pushy which sets off Boozy who lays a haymaker on Kyle and basically throws her down Eileen’s antique stairs. WILL KYLE SURVIVE THE FALL? Find out next week on an all-new Street Fighters of Beverly Hills. Tough stuff, lesson learned. What’s the lesson to take away, you ask? Don’t call actresses dumb.

The Salty Ju

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Tag Archives: reality show

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