Tag Archives: TV Recap

Movies, Television

Oscars 2016 Recap

chrisrock

WHOA. If you were looking for an uplifting three and half, yes THREE AND A HALF hours on a Sunday night, you probably shouldn’t have tuned into the Oscars. Hollywood is RACIST, college campuses are RAMPANT with sexual assault and the earth is MELTING…but here are a bunch of awards for movies you probably didn’t see! YAY! Here’s a VERY cliff notes version of what you may have missed–other than a lot of scolding about how terrible we are as a human race.

-Chris Rock’s monologue was funny and succeeded in making white people feel like garbage can racists. Really could’ve used a little Michael Scott in there to ease the tension in the room.

-In efforts to speed up the longest, most boring awards show ever, the Oscars introduced the “Thank You” ticker to run onscreen as winners walked up to the stage. They hoped that by getting all the names out of the way, stars would give cool speeches that everyone can turn into powerful quote gifs, except that didn’t even a little bit happen. The show ran over by 35 minutes, everyone repeated all the names they already shouted out AIM profile style in the ticker and the speeches were DUDS.

-Stacey Dash gave everyone the uncomfies. Literally. We could see it on their faces.

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-Jared Leto suggested that I google “Merkin”, so I did. And I regretted it. #PubeWig

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-Mad Max looks scary as hell and also it won 5 awards b2b. Costume designers continue to dress like they’re going out to grab a burger. In 1995.

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-This guy killin the creepy smile/wave game and it’s essentially a mirror image of me when an attractive male looks my way.

 

-Hollywood loves Samoas just as much as they love pizza.

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-Another new addition to the awards, pop up video style facts every time someone took the stage. In theory it was informative–in reality, it became very clear which actors have never sniffed at an Oscar. Sofia Vergara’s fun fact was that she once starred in a movie with an Oscar-winner. So that’s really embarrassing.

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-Fake Suge Knight got more camera-time than J.Law. LoL to this blonde for grabbing her 15 seconds of fame though.

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-Sam Smith declared he was the first openly gay man to win an Oscar in his speech…whoops, not so fast, Sammy!

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-In probably the best bit of the night, Chris Rock trolls moviegoers in Compton. My favorite part is when Chris promises these are real movie titles and the girl replies, “Like in London and stuff?” Click here to watch.

-Jacob Tremblay finishes awards season strong as the cutest little nugget.

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Chris was gr8 in Madagascar.

-LEO WINS HIS OSCAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a BOSS.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Crybaby Ben

 

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Laguna Beach, California with Amanda

Ben wears tight brown capris and perches atop a rock like he’s Ariel awaiting his prince to come ashore in Laguna Beach. He slides a fork through his hair and sings Part of Your World. Amanda enters stage left by running toward Ben on the beach in an off-the-shoulder peasant top that might have been featured on an epi of MTV’s Laguna back in 2004. Ben asks about Amanda’s kids and she unfortunately doesn’t lie. She tells Ben that her daughter has an attitude and really sells the whole becoming an instant dad scenario.

The kiddies arrive in matching outfits, pigtails & gladiator sandals that are taller than their legs. It seems a little inapprops for beach footwear for anyone, especially toddlers. Ben does the perfect “everything these kids do is adorbs” act and even fake chases them around/makes a shitty octopus in the sand and says it looks good. The worst thing about kids is how much they suck at everything and you have to tell them they’re amazing. What’s even worse is that Ben didn’t properly teach the little nugget how to wet the sand before sculpting.

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On the drive back to Amanda’s parents’ house, one child with a whimsical and non-traditional name cries the whole way. No better way to dive into parenting than dealing with a screamer in an enclosed space! The visit with Gram and Gramps consists completely of Ben being lectured about the consequences of having a 3-week TV relationship turn into an engagement when two kids are involved…WOMP WOMPPP. Ben reads the little runts a bedtime story written by ABC about how Ben kisses a bunch of princesses in the same night to find his true love. There’s a group hug and they all live happily ever after. JK she’s toast. 

Portland, Oregon with Lauren

In the city of roses, Ben is wearing a dad blazer over a long sleeve shirt and when he uses a flight attendant metaphor to feed Lauren a grilled cheese I think it was my last straw. I can’t support Ben anymore. He’s such a lamewad. If anyone teased me with a grilled cheese, I’d bite their hand clean off their body.

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The most embarrassing thing about Lauren’s family is that they call her LoLo; otherwise they’re pretty normz. Sis takes Ben aside and points out a number of reasons why Lauren’s such an F’ing catch and asks Ben what about Lauren stands out to him. Ben replies, I don’t know I just really like her. He realizes what a dumb answer this is so he starts crying and it works. Sis is sold. THE TEARS SAY IT ALL. Dad tells his lil LoLo that it’s not a great idea to fall in love with a guy who’s dating other women. Seems like pretty sound advice. When he tries to question Ben’s intentions, that sneaky rat works up a teary eye again and gets out of giving any real answers. It would be the MOST quality TV to put all the protective dads together in one room with Ben and watch him cry his way out of that scenario. #RATINGS. 

Hudson, Ohio with Caila

As you recall, this isn’t really Caila’s hometown because she moved around a lot and naturally this made her think Ben would dump her real hard. They make out on a bench and then design a toy house together, cause Caila’s dad is Mr. Duncan.

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Caila spends this date anticipating a toy house mack sesh. You know what they say Caila, if you build it, he will tongue. So they hit the factory to pretend they can operate machinery in a production line. Ben seeing Caila in a hard hat makes HIM hard. See what I did there? He carries her out of the factory but demands that she keep the hard hat on for some construction related fantasies.

At Caila’s house, we’re all reminded Caila isn’t white. Yay for diversity, ABC! Caila’s dad gives Ben advice on being a white boy marrying a Filipino & also calls his marriage “magical”, which is concerning to say the least. Caila’s mom is her TWIN, except for the whole braces thing. Ben talks to Mom and describes getting to know Caila as “cool”. Ben is almost as bad as leftover twin at impressing parents. Meanwhile, Caila gets SUPER emosh in her chat with Daddy as she tells Daddy that she loves Ben and he’s the one. Then she whispers the same to Mommy. If I had known she was going to annoyingly whine mommy and daddy a bunch of times, I would’ve turned it into a drinking game. Caila’s mom tells her to fess up with her love and obviously we’re 3 for 3 of girls confessing their love to everyone but Ben.

Dallas, Texas with JoJo

JoJo finds roses and a letter on her doorstep and it takes her FAR too long into reading it to figure out it’s from her ex-bf Chad and NOT Ben. PLOT TWIST. She paces around her apt and cries a lot in dramatic meltdown mode then calls Chad on speaker so we can all hear. Obviously now that JoJo is reality famous, Chad would like a second chance and more Instagram followers. It just so happens that her little dramatic phone call takes place moments before Ben arrives. Timing, amirite?! JoJo fesses up that she called Chad to end things and talk about how HAPPY she is with Ben and his other girlfriends. She tells Ben that her family is going to love him and BOY is that a lie.

When JoJo walks into her mansion, her brothers basically tackle her to the ground with aggressive double cheek kisses and I get a REAL Folgers weird sibling commercial vibe. They’re so distracted loving on JoJo that she has to keep yelling at everyone to greet Ben. What a hot start.

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At dinner we get our first taste of the overly protective Brothers Fletcher when they tell Ben he would need to move to Dallas if he picks their sister. Ben’s like k sounds good. Then JoJo and mama have a super realistic discussion where it’s clear that her mom doesn’t understand how this show works. Mom tells her daughter that there’s no way she’ll get hurt because she’s beautiful. It’s such mom logic it makes me laugh out loud. It’s about as truthful as my Gams telling me I could be a model. Oh JoJo’s mom, just you wait and see. Regardless, keeping on par with the mom advice of this episode, she tells JoJo to put her heart out there. On the other hand, the bros tag team Joelle to tell her to reel it in because she’s only been on 2 dates with this guy. JoJo’s sister contributes nothing. In fact, she might have left after dinner once she realized her brothers were putting on a show for TV ratings.

Behind JoJo’s back there’s some tensions in the kitchen as her mom takes a knee with a bottle of wine and one of the brothers (Ben?) challenges Higgi for toying with female emotions. When Ben is called on his BS diplomatic answers, he pretty much poops his pants and gets right outta there. JoJo follows suit with not telling Ben she loves him and OMG BEN IS SO UNLOVABLE BECAUSE NO ONE TOLD HIM HOW THEY FEEL!

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Roses: Lauren, Caila, JoJo (who looks like a smokeshow—probably to make up for her d-bag brothas.)

I mean we all knew who was going to go home…even before US Weekly ruined it a full week in advance. Nice goin.

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Amanda’s rightfully like why did you bring me back to LA to humiliate me and send me right back home? Uh, how about WHY DID HE MEET YOUR KIDS WHEN HE KNEW HE DIDN’T WANT TO BE A DAD? Anyway, Ben cries and babbles about how much he cares even though he met her kids and dumped her.

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BONUS: LoLo’s baby bros ask Ben if he plans on banging one out with her in the fantasy suite.

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- A Carnival of Butts

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You’re never fully a housewife until we’ve seen your digs and Kathryn has officially been initiated. Since she has more than one abode, we got a peek at her “San Diego house” and it’s plush with holy Jerusalem stone and Italian marble. There’s even an infrared sauna, which everyone apparently has…well everyone except for Rinna. She probably can’t afford it with her QVC income but she knows she WANTS one. Ask her what an infrared sauna does and she would not be able to tell you but she does know that it does good stuff. So that’s all that matters.

During lunch at the San Diego “party house”, Eileen casually brings up how she’s been up all night tossing and turning trying to figure out who narc’ed to Yolanda. If you’ll recall, Erika flat out lied about it last week, but this week she owns up in that queen top bun of hers. “I told Yolanda and also this salad is amazing,” is all that needs to be said to move on to a very awkward and forced discussion about the food. This spins into a ha-ha but really actually serious conversation about how Rinna never eats. LoL Rinna eats once a year but also everyone would like to know why she’s discussing an eating disorder like a knock-knock joke. Cue the tossback to Kim telling Rinna to eat a piece of bread in Amsterdam and now we’ve full-on dove into a Kim tell-all for the new ladies who don’t care at all what happened last season but the producers told them to ask. Rinna puts a spin zone on her hulk-smashing of a wineglass off the table way back when but conveniently can’t really get into it with Kyle sitting right there. So Kyle dramatically excuses herself and sits in the other room with Lisa while the rest of the unaware dum dums continue their discussion of her sister on the patio. Does this really need to happen? I don’t think anyone is picking up this show right this second, so we’ve all SEEN this and don’t want to relive it. However, since they’re clearly stuck for storylines and there’s only so much Lyme disease we can talk about (that will be coming later on), we need to vet out characters and storylines past.

ALSO, so Kathryn can turn on her tears real quick and share with the group that her dad committed suicide when she was 13 and struggled with addiction, so that’s why she felt the need to insert herself into the Richards sister triangle of hate. The other room eavesdroppers enter back into the scene and are like omg, what did we miss? The real takeaway here is that everyone thinks Kathryn has a beautiful cry face and Rinna has a disgusting one.

After the trip, the Girardi’s and Vanderpumps have dinner. Or more accurately, they meet up to assess and judge each other one on one. Thankfully, Lisa approves of Erika’s husband and when Lisa approves of something you never need to worry, dahling. It’s probable that she likes Tom so much because he’s shamelessly slobbering all over her. At one point I wonder if maybe Ken and Erika should leave those two alone, but after seeing how Tom reacts when Erika interrupts him I dare not suggest that she leave a dinner unannounced. Tom telling Erika that it was not her turn to speak had a VERY dad hit mom at the dinner table and everyone’s acting like it’s fine feel to it.

This just in: Adrienne needs a paycheck and a platform to promote her new skincare line, so here she is lunching with Kyle. They’re wearing the same color HAHA, #twinsies. After Adrienne tells us where we can purchase her product, the gals dish some more about Kim and Kyle cries a lot. At the same time, Rinna shows her daughters some poems her sister wrote. It’s an ideal time to do so because Rinna’s sister died of an overdose and addiction is a hot button topic this episode. Obviously these poems relate back to Rinna talking about Kim and how deeply this affects her still.

But enough about addiction, it’s time to talk about Lyme disease again at Erika’s backyard banger. Take notes, Kyle, because BBQ’s should be more like this…with carnival games and gay men splashing about in the pool. Erika has a glam squad prepare her for the event after shitting all over Kyle for wearing a gown to her own BBQ so this seems hypocritical. Mikey is on standby to say things like, “Queen of everything has arrived, to her own party,” and watch Erika eat juicy corn on a stick so close to her Cavalli cover-up in horror.

Eileen shows up in a bikini/dress with abs and hips and cleavage for days. She proudly reveals that Erika took her shopping. It’s so cute how much Eileen wants to be just like Erika. Get down with your bad self, grl. Yolanda stole a white pantsuit from GiGi’s closet and it fits her perfectly, of course. Locky, a dancer for Katy Perry twerks by the side of the pool. GANG’S ALL HERE!

The girls all gather round the picnic table to talk about why Ken follows Lisa everywhere. Just kidding, they talk about Mowshen disease of course…and every other variation that Yolanda and her regal accent can come up with. Rinna’s like you still mad, Yo? And the answer is a hard yes. There’s a lot of shouting about munch-hausen-frausen and it’s nothing we haven’t heard before. It’s such a dumb fight that cutting to Donnie explaining football to Ken is a welcome interruption. Ken smiles politely while trying to keep an ear to the drama just in case he’s needed to make an insensitive comment or insult anyone who looks at Lisa wrong. The climax comes when Erika shouts “TELL US WHO SAID IT!!!!” to Rinna. Rinna doesn’t tell and then her and Yo hug it out. It’s funny because they were slinging spite to each other last week on Twitter, so that hug was about as useful as underwear is to Erika Jayne.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Welcome to the Orthopedic Capital

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Come one, come all (JK, not you, Olivia) to Warsaw Indiana, where Ben had his first kiss and first job and drives a shiny red 1950 Chevy around town with a camera crew behind him. WELCOME! In a quaint little diner that makes eggs, EGGS, YOU GUYS!!! Ben reunites with his parents who he 100% calls before bed every night to talk about all of his girlfriends. He describes each girl and JoJo is the only one he calls GORGEOUS, so everyone else should probably kill themselves.

Before they can contemplate it, Ben picks the ladies up in a boat and shouts WELCOME HOME! They all word vomit the obligatory, “I can totally see myself raising a family here!” Cool it, ladies. Ben lives in Denver. Leftover twin overcompensates by saying she’s ready to start poppin em out and you can tell even the cameraman is like oh, honey. Ben points out that his childhood home is right around the corner, then makes a creepy joke that the ladies shouldn’t look in his parent’s windows because they might be banging. WTF BEN?

Volunteer Time with Lauren B.

Ben drives Lauren B. around town in his vintage rental and tells her embarrassing stories about how he didn’t practice frenching on his hand in 7th grade and therefore had to ask his girlfriend how to kiss. She laughed right in his face, obviously. So does Lauren B. Ben brings Lauren B. to the youth center to log some community service and even though this date is my LITERAL NIGHTMARE with how many kids are swarming them, Lauren is a CHAMP. She grooves a little double Dutch with the kiddies and basically has a pack of girls braiding her hair by the end of the day…which is essentially the only reason to become a camp counselor (infinite head tickles.)

LAUREN B.

They shine the spotlight on half court Ronnie, who will probably have his own reality show by week’s end and the couple macks in front of all the children. I get that we’re trying to make every woman’s ovaries burst from this segment but NOT EVERYONE LOVES KIDS, OKAY, ABC? Why are they constantly screaming at the camera. The mic is right there…no need to shout or use baby talk when you’re like 12. Ugh, anyway Ben is super with crying kids and also the Indiana Pacers show up. Lauren pretends to be a huge Pacers fan. Is there such a thing? Later, Ben and Lauren B agree that dumb bitch Leah made up garbage rumors last week and they’re all Gucci now. PS Lauren B admits she’s TOTES in love with Ben. But not just any Ben…WARSAW BEN. (This sounds like the character name of a murderer.)

“Let’s Find Love in the Windy City” with JoJo

JoJo immediately wraps her legs all up in Ben once she arrives in Chi-town and I already hate her. Dainty girls who can do that are soo0oo0oo lame. You know? Anyway, it’s JoJo’s first time in Chicago and instead of showing her the sights and deep-dish pizza; Ben takes her to Wrigley Field to fulfill his lifelong dream to be inside it. And you guys won’t believe it…Wrigley Field talks to them and invites them in!!!! It’s like SMART HOUSE!

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So Ben doesn’t look completely selfish in how this date was planned, he gives JoJo a “Mrs. Higgins” Cubs jersey to wear. This seems like a real cocktease. Multiple girls are calling you their boyfriend and saying they see a future with you, Ben, there’s no need to lead them on more. Either way it works because they round the bases together. Wink, Wink. Since ABC rented the field for the day, they have to eat dinner there too. I can’t believe these two spent a whole day at Wrigley Field and didn’t announce Henry Rowengartner’s name on the loudspeaker. What a bunch of squares. In the end, we learn that JoJo isn’t scared anymore and is TEAM BEN! Also, does she always have a mint in the side of her mouth? This has been driving me nuts for weeks. What is she holding in there? Why does she talk like a cartoon character?

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Insecurities with Caila, Amanda & Becca

Woohooooo group date!!! Oh what’s that Ben, you’re going to hang out with these 3 chicks long enough for them all to second-guess themselves and then send two packing in favor of a one on one? Damn, that’s COLD. After Becca spends the entire episode talking about how much she wants a one on one (and making me h8 her), we know for sure that she will NOT get a one on one. She needs more validation from Ben. Amanda doesn’t know why Ben is interested in her because she has kids. Same, Amanda. Caila is nervous AF because she’s moved around her whole life and doesn’t have a movie theater where she got her first kiss to drive Ben by in her hometown. Amanda gets the rose so she can feel confident that Ben wants to meet her kids (so he can then dump their mom and leave her there.) Becca cries because Ben’s just not that into her. Caila cries because she isn’t part of a community straight from a movie. What a killer date.

Ben takes Amanda to McDonalds where the nicest and most cheerful fast food employee I’ve ever seen was planted behind the register. It’s been a lifetime dream of Ben’s to go behind the counter at McDonald’s, apparently. They both strap on headsets and ask a bunch of people if they want to supersize it then say the job sucks and go back to being paid to kiss on TV. The two eat a fry lady and the tramp style and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more nauseous. They basically puke chewed up fry into each other’s mouths.

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In the parking lot of the McDonalds, there’s a Rydell High carnival and Danny Zuko Ben knows everyone by name. The mayor basically gives him the key to the city because who else would bring a camera crew to the orthopedic capital of the world? Ben screeches like a lil bitch on all the rides and Amanda’s just chillen. Then they have the second most awkward kiss of this date when they are on moving horses on the carousel and almost hit faces. Cherish these moments Amanda, because you’re about to introduce this man to your kids and he’s going to BOUNCE once he sees that being a dad is more than comforting one crying kid in front of a camera.

“Home is Where the Heart is” with Leftover Twin

I feel SOOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO much dumber after watching this date go down. Leftover twin is so excited that she’s finally getting her one on one date that she can COMPLETELY be herself, which to be clear, is a moron. She doesn’t know what swans are and she forgets how to talk when she’s nervous. Oopsie! Ben introduces her to his parents so that he can later blame them when he inevitably sends her home. Leftover twin is fascinated by the ducks because ducks don’t live in Las Vegas! Her diarrhea of the mouth only gets worse as she sits down with Mama Higgins and spews her life aspirations. She wants to be an NFL cheerleader—but also a young mom and wife. Hmmm…I’m shocked Mrs. Higgins doesn’t dive face-first into that lake to escape this dud. The Higgins parentals politely tell Ben that this girl is like, really pretty but like, really dumb. And off leftover twin goes…to watch movies all day and not eat vegetables. Although she’s not as dumb as she comes off with that diabolical placement of NFL cheerleader. Cash in, girliecat. All the other GF’s cry for leftover twin. I’m unclear as to why, but it makes them look really compassionate.

Before the rose ceremony, Ben is SUPER unsure, so he calls out the big guns…Chris Harrison. Chris comes all the way to Warsaw to go, “but which one do you NOT see as your wife?” WHOA. CHRIS. WHERE’D YOU COME UP WITH THAT MIND TRICKERY? Suddenly, with that one rephrase of the question, Ben knows what he must do. What would we do without Chris? How would we ever know how many roses are left? I hope we never have to find out.

Roses: Amanda, Lauren, JoJo, Caila

We pretty much knew Becca was going to leave by the way she was framed as the whiny bitch the whole episode. So whatevs. Props to her for having a backbone and calling Ben out for the shady move, though. Ben handles the confrontation really well. JK he poops his pants.

 

Next week: JoJo’s brother makes Ben cry.

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Please Welcome Erika Jayne!”

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A WEEK WITHOUT FAYE, HEY HEY HEY! Let us all rejoice and laugh at grown women paying thousands of dollars to freeze their pains away. Yo takes Kyle & Lisa to Cryotheraphy so that she can lock them both in a frozen chamber and try to murder them ala Scream Queens. Except Yolanda is probably smarter than the Chanels and will get the job done. Jk she doesn’t murder them yet, she just shows them how much better she is at handling a quick jaunt in -140 degrees Celsius. She saves the eviscerating for lunch when she dips her toe in the water by testing her Judas friends to see if they had her back when Rinna went on her Munchausen’s rant. It’s crickets from the two gossips. Guess these girls ain’t yo homies, no mo, YO! (Applause for that prose, right there.) Then the real smack down begins as Yolanda slides her children’s medical files over to Lisa, says, “I know what you did” and demands an apology. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Lisa speechless and it is GLORIOUS. Take the kids’ diagnosis as punishment for being a shitty friend, Lisa. Maybe you can read them as a bedtime story as you tuck Ken into bed at 5PM every night.

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In the house with a chapel built right in, Erika debates wearing her choker that says “cunty” for her next show in a closet full of gold chains and sparkle stilettos. Mikey, her creative director or more importantly, c-word enthusiast tells her to go on with her bad self and wear whatever the F she wants. Maybe if she wears a dog collar with a disgusting word for vagina on it she MIGHT even sing about sex and stuff…right Rinna? Anyway, Erika Girardi may have a place of worship in her home and a private plane for travel, but Erika Jayne takes a tour bus to San Diego with a bunch of gay dancers and sips Dom out of a plastic cup. Keep shaking it girl; you’ll get there one day.

Eileen meets Kathryn for lunch and speaks Italian to a waiter in Beverly Hills because she traveled to Italy so now it’s appropriate for her to show off her Rosetta Stone Italian. Don’t be a dick, Eileen. Since Eileen admitted to dating Kathryn’s ex-husband before they even shook hands, they already know they have something to talk about over lunch. Except oopsie, it turns out the year Marcus was smoochin up on Eileen, Kathryn was already dating him. They may have shared Marcus, but they do not share the same taste in purses. The way that Kathryn looked at Eileen’s purse you would’ve thought she adhered a Velcro one-strap at the end of lunch.

Eileen keeps it up as the white trash of the group when she wears a practical denim jumpsuit for the girls’ road trip to San Diego. She wins “most likely to be bullied for poor people clothes” on the ride there. Not for her jean camel toe that’s most definitely occurring in that tight limo, but because her shoes are from Forever 21 and everyone else is parading around with $4000 bags. Meanwhile, Erika Jayne gets her twat tanned. So at least everyone’s keeping it real. Stay classy, San Di-ahgo.

At the hotel, Rinna puts her detective hat on after being falsely accused of throwing Lisa under the bus and CRACKS THE CASE. If she didn’t say it…she wonders aloud staring at a bunch of papers with a magnifying glass, then it MUST MEAN SOMEONE ELSE DID. How is Rinna not a private investigator? She’s really wasting her God-given talents tooling away as an adult diaper model. She recruits Eileen and they’re going to get to the bottom of this. (i.e. confront Erika the second she steps offstage.)

Completely unrelated, here’s a fun fact: Kathryn is deaf in one ear and who thinks she’s going to use this as an excuse to get her out of a shady sitch later on this season? I do, I do!!! Erika Jayne better not blow out her good ear with too much auto tune screeching.

The ladies arrive at Pervert and slap a bunch of gay dancer ass. DON’T WORRY, it’s so harmless, just like throwing a tops and bottoms party. After Kyle is done touching homosexual ass (they’re not attracted to her but that doesn’t stop her from trying) she tries to upstage Erika from the VIP box with a pony swing that could make any bitch within a mile radius go blind. Erika pats her puss. OMG SHE’S SO SCANDALOUS.

After the show, the ladies have a throw down about Erika’s seaward necklace and Eileen is like EVERYTHING THAT ERIKA DOES IS AMAZING YOU ALL CAN SHUT THE HELL UP. Eileen knows what it’s like to be personally victimized by Kathryn. Also, did Eileen draw a birthmark on her face with eyeliner? I did that once in my trial days of makeup and it looked like I had a cancerous mole on my face. It’s a fine line to walk. Oh, and also Erika flat out denied narc’ing to Yolanda. But whatever. I never want to hear about this argument again. I’d rather watch Rinna dance like a mom in a gay club 1 million times than hear this fight anymore. Someone make those spastic moves into a gif, stat. Please and thank you.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor-The Eyebrows Strike Back

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If you recall, last week ended abruptly after the house aired their grievances for Olivia and Ben pulled her aside to pretend it was a cliffhanger that he could take away her rose. Everyone in America knew that Ben would never snatch that rose. Those flowers are 100% black, black no trade back. When Ben asks Olivia to explain herself, she plasters a smile on and is like it’s not my fault that everybody hates me because I’m so popular and pretty. Olivia wants Ben to know that she’s not here to paint nails, she’s here to read books and think and “talk smart things.” Can this be made into a graphic tee? Olivia carries that rose back into the room like a badge of honor. I’m surprised she doesn’t spike it right off Leftover Twin’s face.

Ben whines a lot about how hard life is and then gets right to the rose ceremony where Olivia chirps to the other ladies that she’s untouchable.

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Jk she actually says COME AT ME BRO. Unfortunately I have a bright purple pinny that says this and it’s funny because it’s trashy and from the Jersey Shore boardwalk. I now need to burn that pinny. But guess what Olivia, I painted my nails and did some reading while they were drying last night. I guess girls CAN do both. Come at ME bro.

Roses: Amanda, Olivia, Lauren H., Caila, Lauren B., JoJo, Becca, Leah, Emily

(BYE Jen, sucks that you just started talking last week and Leah still got the rose over you.)

Let’s all go to the Bahamas! “Woooooooo!!!!”-how a room full of ladies greet the Bahamas.

 

Let’s See if our Love is Reel with Caila

Caila may have this date but Leah is pissed. Who’s Leah? She’s the one crying in the bathroom while Caila is out deep sea fishing with B.Higgs. Leah’s crying because she lives 10 minutes away from Ben IRL and yet never met him at a bar. Ugh Leah, go home and surf Hinge for someone to meet for drinks. But first, shut the hell up and enjoy an all expenses paid vacay in the Bahamas.

Back on the Leah-less date, Ben tells Caila: “You smile a lot.” Gr8 observation, Ben. He’s looking for someone to cry with. Ben wants to know if she’s going to smile when she’s sad. Ben’s mind is an oasis of dumb thoughts that he feels are necessary to repeat out loud. Caila admits that she feels like she loves him. Yikes. TOO SOON. But then she talks in circles and maybe redacts that declaration of love? It pretty much makes no sense. Ben is like hey you’re not making any sense and she goes I know I’m in love because I’m being understood and you really understand me. OK CAILA. She gets a rose because not knowing what she wants is SAH CUTE.

 

Love is Unpredictable with Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H., Leah

The bikini-clad hoochies yacht to a private island for a quick swim and feeding time with some water pigs. WHAT ARE THESE CREATURES? Is this a thing? Come to the Bahamas—get raped by the dolphins and then scoot on over to the dump waters for a little pig tussle and weiner feeding. I can’t imagine why that wouldn’t be on a travel brochure.

Ben’s really excited because the girls are having such a fun time with the pigs. I guess Ben thinks a fun time is having fat pigs assault girls in bikinis for a chicken weiner. I feel like he should maybe be a little more concerned for their safety and learn to differentiate their “I’m having fun” screams from their “these pigs are slaughtering me and I’m terrified” screams.

After the piggie assault all the girls get jelly that Ben is hanging with Lauren B. in the water and they all quit their jobs for this. Don’t pin your dumb life decisions on someone who matches their eyebrows to their dye job, Leah. That’s not fair. There’s a lot of group wah-wahs about how life is so hard when they’re literally on a beach in paradise. But whatever. It’s snowing outside my window, but like Ben has to make out with a bunch of chicks in a tropical location so who’s the real loser here?

Later, Ben spends the evening portion reassuring each girl one by one that he still likes her. Leah shoots herself right in the foot by using her time with Ben to talk smack. Or does she? Leah is heard chit-chatting about a girl who acts different in the house that sounds sneaky like Olivia and then by TV magic, the name “Lauren B” is dubbed in through voiceover. Crack job at discreetly creating drama here. Lots of tears ensue as Ben confronts Lauren B about being fake and Leah denies talking shit about her. HOWEVER, what’s important to take away from this is that the only real thing in the entire night is the frizzy AF hair on these girls who are battling the Bahamas humidity AND an island storm.

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Back at the house the girls try to figure out who narc’ed about Lauren B. (hint: post-production) while Leah curls her eyelashes and heads for Ben’s room….to talk more about Lauren B. Ben gets a little sense and bids farewell to Dark Brows. FOREVER.

 

Let’s Sea with Olivia and Leftover Twin

YASSSSS. Death match between Cankles and the Leftover Twin. Olivia lives in a nice fantasy world where 23 is a SUPER mature age. Leftover is only one year younger and yet SUCH A BABY compared to Olivia. She goes a little too far when she compares the date to a mother hanging out with her child. It’s funny because she’s the mother in this scenario and she’s THE SAME AGE AS other twin. Regardless, both girls can still call themselves recent college grads and therefore they both need to GO.

On a secluded island with hurricane winds and a lack of hair ties, Olivia tells Ben that deep intellectual things are her “jam”, and further makes me want to punch her square in the cankles. She also tells Ben she’s in love with him and then tries to swallow his face so as to avoid the awkward silence that would inevitably follow that confession.

Not much better, Emily word vomits a speech about how she wants Ben to watch her grow up since she’s barely legal. Throughout this entire sputtery soliloquy, her face is covered in hair and Ben’s like no don’t fix it because I don’t want to see your face. She shouldn’t get the rose. But she does because Ben doesn’t love Olivia and the producers have gotten the ratings they needed from her. Olivia is left on the island to cry into the ocean and accidentally swallow some of her hair in that giant mouth of hers, her tree trunk ankles buried in the sand. Goodbye old friend, go forth to have a bustling TV career just like you always wanted.

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Roses (again): Caila, Amanda, Leftover Twin, Becca, JoJo, Lauren B.

The dramatic standdown between the Lauren’s at the end was supes unnecessary. As if Ben would EVER pick H over B. Lauren H gives good cry face though. So she’s got that going for her. Never Forget:

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Backwards in Heels”

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“I feel like if you’ve been married for 20 years in Beverly Hills, it’s like you’ve been married 100 years anywhere else.”

 

What do you get when you mix 1 part snide comments about Lyme Disease, 1 part alter ego that intimidates everyone and 1 part Faye Resnick? The plot for every single episode this season of Housewives. Seriously can these ladies talk about/do anything else? Oh yeah, they can dress up like “Moulin Rouge” to celebrate their long-lasting marriages, and then talk about the three aforementioned topics at said party.

But before all that, it’s raining in BH because Kyle invited Faye to her BBQ and didn’t warn Lisa beforehand. Don’t question Lisa’s superpowers. She hates Faye no matter what and also now controls Kyle’s sugar intake. (It’s probably for the best.) Lisa compares Kyle inviting Faye to if she invited “Witchy-Poo.” Apparently that’s the adorbs nickname for Carlton. In case you don’t remember Carlton, she was a real sexual Wiccan and just about everyone hated her except for Brandi (who everyone also hates.) Kyle and Lisa passively aggressively fight about it but all is forgotten once they need to pick a locale for their joint anniversary party. Who has a joint anniversary party? Will Mauricio even show up or will it be Ken and the ladiez as always?

As the girls plan their party around slutty costumes, Lisa tries to swipe Kyle’s phone and we all learn that Kyle is a dirt friend. I’ve never seen a person scramble faster to rip that phone back. You know when your Bluetooth is hooked up in the car and a friend calls you, you have to announce that they’re on speakerphone so they don’t talk shit about the person you’re with? No? Just me. Well this was worse. We know Kyle doesn’t have nudes on there. Just shit-talking texts.

Rinna visits Erika to S her D and get a thirsty ass tour of her monstrosity of a house. She has A CHAPEL. ERIKA JAYNE…the HOOCHIE WHO SPEWS CLUB MUSIC IN A SHEER CATSUIT…HAS A CHURCH IN HER HOUSE. And a library, I assume for her husband. But really, back to the church, she got it because she likes to collect religious art. See a kewl portrait of Jesus? Why don’t you just erect a steeple in your home so you have somewhere to hang it? After Rinna gawks and talks about how that’s SO Pasadena of her (whatever that means) Erika takes some voice lessons where she just plays with her tongue and stuff.

New gal pal Kathryn cooks for her husband and he barks out requests for ingredients. It’s far too possible we have another David Foster on our hands. Except much younger, and more handsome, and probably cooler. The two of them hit the gym together, which is just so cute it makes me want to ralph all over them and their gossip weightlifting sesh.

Rinna goes over to Yo’s house to drag on this dumb AF storyline about the one time she used Wikipedia to look up Munchausen’s disease. Rather than apologizing for believing a website that anyone can contribute to, she says she feels like the worst person in the world for “engaging” or whatever buzzword we’re using to avoid saying that she talked smack. Yolanda replied with, “I’ve never heard of Munch-hausen-schmausen’s disease.” It’s even funnier than when she didn’t know how to pronounce cunninglingus last season. Yolanda is cute as pie and PS new revelation: Rinna has vagina armpits.

The event of the hour finally arrives and boy is it an eyeful. All the women treat the Moulin Rouge party like Halloween in college and make sure their T’s and A’s are fully on display. Kyle the most, obviously. Definitely not uncomfy at all to see her modeling the cleavage baring corset for her toddler. At the actual party, her high school age daughter shows up wearing a similar get up. Could we maybe leave the kids out of this?

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Newbie’s Kathryn and Erika bond, if by bonding you mean one scolding the other for her potty mouth. Kathryn doesn’t love a good C U Next Tuesday and Erika does. Erika promises not to say it anymore around her after she gets verbally badgered that she’s too pretty for swears. Hey, Kathryn, I’m pretty too and a well-placed F bomb will always be funny. Have fun censoring yourself around Kathryn, everyone. It’ll be like hanging out with your parents.

BTW if I ever saw my parents attend a party like this I’d try to pluck my eyeballs out. Kyle does 15 splits because of course, and her nipples almost fall directly onto the floor. She also takes Mauricio’s D for a ride on the dance floor. Hope Alexia and her teen squad had blindfolds on for that number. Camille sashays around the dance floor like she doesn’t have a care in the world. To be clear she pretty much doesn’t because she still gets a Bravo paycheck but no one hates her for brawling on TV anymore. Drink every time one of the women refers to themselves as hookers. Whoops I’m dead.

As if Faye isn’t enough of a hot button topic (because Lisa didn’t even a little bit want her invited), Kathryn airs her grievances for the morally corrupt author. Kyle flies off the handle…probably because she hadn’t touched her vag to the floor in a minute and is all NOBODY talks shit about my bitch friend at my party full of Moulin Rouge hoes! Kyle and Lisa bicker about Faye and taking Kathryn’s side I think? I couldn’t really focus because the ghost of Taylor Armstrong showed up. No literally, did she mix up Moulin Rouge with Zombie Ghoul? She floats up mid-conversation then just stares at both of them and eavesdrops on their argument. The episode abruptly ends with a flashback to Brandi slapping Lisa. Hmm..

Most importantly, Rinna keeps her hair in a mom choppy bob because she wants her husband to F her. End of discussion.

PS This was a C+ recap because I’m still thinking of The People Vs. OJ Simpson and how Connie Britton delivering 4 lines as Faye Resnick was one thousand times more entertaining than the real Faye Resnick. And this entire season.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Como se dice: Taste My Taco

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This week is MEXICO CITY, and on the plane the girls all shout at the camera and point because they were told to ad lib and they didn’t know what that meant. When they arrive at the Four Seasons, they cheers to finding love in Mexico and NOT dysentery from drinking the water.

“Let’s put all our eggs in one basket” with Amanda

Ben rolls into their hotel at 430AM gets in everyone’s sleeping grill piece and learns that the majority of his ladies in waiting look like garbage cans when they wake up. This life lesson is required of The Bachelor–an obligatory early morning drop-by to learn which ladies sleep in pink lipstick and glitter eye shadow, membs Britt? Leah is mortified that “her boyfriend” is seeing her like this. Who’s Leah? We may never know. Lauren H. has a retainer in and someone left their weave laying on the nightstand looking like a dead ferret. I’m not saying that I wake up looking like a dime piece, but I definitely don’t leave chunks of hair within reach of my slumber.

Not surprisingly, the only girl who looks picture ready is Amanda and she’s the one getting whisked away. Talk about a rough wake up call. Hey everyone, you look like monsters, I’m taking Amanda only, no need to take your slimy hardware out of your mouth. Seriously, put that thing back in your mouth. It’s a cesspool. PUT IT BACK IN YOUR MOUTH!

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Amanda and Ben go on a hot air balloon ride and picnic in a random field, obv. At night, Ben does his typical deep probing interview process and Amanda tells him how her ex-husband sucked. Ben is in shock that a guy wouldn’t “wrap her and her children up.” That was a real sentence he said. Wrap them up in what, Ben? Do tell. Amanda reassures Ben that she shouldn’t be tossed aside because she’s already taken the marriage thing for a spin; in fact, marriage is more special to her now. Oh, honey. You obviously haven’t seen the outcome of The Bachelor…you don’t need to be serious about marriage to get the proposal at the end. Just pretend long enough for the press tour afterward and then you can both move on with your separate blogging careers and DWTS appearances. Anyway, Ben is like thank you for opening up here’s a rose, date’s over. Let’s not talk about me. Do any of these girls know a thing about him? Why is he such an interrogator on dates? Has he ever held a champagne flute before? All questions that demand to be answered.

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“Como se dice…the way to a man’s heart” with Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

WHAT a crew to learn basic Spanish in front of my very judgmental eyes. It’s possible that I’ll take it easy on them because I had a very Bachelor-contestant-esque moment last evening when I questioned if Mexico City was actually in Mexico. Turns out it is, and also I’m a moron. At least I’m really pretty. You don’t need to be both smart and pretty in this world, so I’m told. Case in point, the girls butcher learn how to say “I’m falling in love with you” and “I’m going to kiss you now” in espanol, because that’s VITAL for reading recipes in another language. It’s rough, but not as rough as Emily admitting she has no cooking skills or language skills and orders tres churros. (How do you think she pronounces Haitians?) SHE’S ONLY GOOD AT TALKING IN UNISON GUYS, CUT HER A BREAK! Jubilee turns into a jelly belly during the high school class sesh and sasses Ben back in English. The girls look on in horror. NOBODY talks back to their boyfriend. She gonn’ learn. (Really, though.)

At the market, Olivia snags Ben for her team and Jubilee tries a little threesome action, she’s quickly swatted away. It only takes two to romantically feed each other crickets. Everyone looks on with dagger eyes. Leftover Twin harps on Olivia’s dragon breath again like a real catty ass bitch who doesn’t know how to do anything but be a twin and apparently bark about someone else’s halitosis. JoJo is really excited for the chef to taste her taco. She knows her taco tastes really good and she just WANTS SOMEONE TO EAT IT. EAT JOJO’S TACO, DAMNIT. Jubilee takes the W for best fish, by herself, I guess? She’s taking all the credit and I’m wondering if she even had a partner other than her misery and potent jealousy in this competition.

At drinks later, the stealing is off to a hot start when Olivia cuts him off mid-sentence for a mediocre conversation about their meal that looked so gross the chefs talked about it in their native language like the Asians do at the nail salon when they see how gross someone’s feet are. Remember Jen and her big T’s from week one? She’s back in action this episode with a few lines. I start to think, Good for Jen! Coming back into the game. Then she says, “Once I commit to someone they’ll have my heart and soul forever.” HEAVY re-intro from Jen. Lauren B. is wearing gloriously white crop coords that I’m guessing only look good on little petite size 0 nuggets. She’s rewarded for looking like a dime with a severe tongue inspection from Ben to the symphony of church bells. He sees angels, or ripping that white skirt off Lauren B. Either one. Jubilee gets some QT with Ben to whine about her life and how hard it is to date him and constantly be such a raging B when he’s trying to be nice to her. She rips her hand out of his. He should’ve hip-checked her to the curb right then. Ben asks Jubz, straight up now tell me, do you wanna be with me? Jubilee has the BaLLZ to reply, “I want you to tell me that you want to be with me.” BAIIIIII. I was once on Team Jubilee when dem hoes (AMBER) were after her but she dug her own grave here. JoJo steals Ben hot off the Jubilee sendoff and looks like a real dick. Ben glares at her then makes out with her. Olivia gets a rose cause they “reconnected.” Although, according to Olivia and her magical imaginary touches from Ben, they never really un-connected. A leg push ALWAYS means something ladies, never forget.

Mexican Fash Week with Lauren H.

Lauren H. is JUST a teacher who has an ambiguous maybe Midwestern, maybe southern accent and dutifully wears her retainers. Golly gee, how could she ever end up on a catwalk during fashion week? Answer: because at Mexico fashion week, the clothes are made with good ole-fashioned spin-art.

Lauren H. asks everyone how long they’ve modeled, says she’s super nervous then proves to all those bitches who’ve been at it for 4 years that anyone can walk a runway. (And probably have a diet consisting of more than cotton balls with duck sauce.) Later on, Ben asks her to reveal her life story and we learn that you can’t make it on the Bachelor unless you have a carousel full of emosh relationship baggage trailing behind you. Lauren H. one ups Amanda’s ex-husband story with a tale of a boyfriend she dated for 4 years, moved across the country for, and found out he was side-piecing 3 other chicks, one of them being…HER FRIEND. That’s some real Days of Our Lives shit right there. She has decided to always choose happiness and that’s why she’s so bubbly and carefree and into smooching puppets. Don’t ever gloss over the fact that she put her lips on a puppet last week. Ben <3’s that about her and gives her a rose.

Cocktails

This episode was really boring and I was truly hoping we would get a fiery fight in our cocktail hour and instead we got one-part twin tears and one-part MTV insults. But first, Lauren B. wants to tell Ben things are getting pretty serious so she lets him know that she can see a life, but not just a life, like a LIFE life with him. Okay, Lauren B. time to lay off the vino. She also tells him it’s terrifying. So that’s comforting.

Not as comforting as Olivia informing Amanda that her life sounds like a Teen Mom episode. Amanda stands her ground, good for her and fires back at Olivia that she had a kid when she was 22. To be fair, the Teen Mom OG crew is around that age and on their second kid, SO THERE. She also adds on that Olivia reminds her of Snooki because she’s a hot mess. MTV sits back in their executive chairs over Times Square and gleefully rubs their hands together. Two original show name drops in one night. Why even buy advertising? Leftover Twin cries about Olivia being disrespectful and decides to air her grievances to Ben, AKA suicide mission. That’s bold of her but also not that bold because she would’ve been gone next week anyway. Olivia comes out of nowhere to pounce probably because a producer tipped her off to the blood. Olivia gives Ben a ring while Leftover Twin calls Dumped Twin to cry waterfalls about how Olivia is rude and stuff. Ben calls each witness to the stand to say something shitty about Olivia and there’s certainly no shortage of bitchy comments in that department. The Hoover dam has been opened and it’s flowing out of Olivia’s open mouth. Will Ben take backsies on that rose or will he continue to have the spine of a jellyfish and keep her around to terrorize the others behind his back? I think we all know the answer.

To be continued…

 

 

 

 

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor-Viva Las Idiots

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“Olivia’s talent seems to be popping out of a cake and into the other girls’ nightmares.”-Chris Harrison

Snaps for this season of the Bachelor already giving Ben a bigger travel budget than Kaitlyn had. Have at it, feminists, because we’re on week 4 and the group is already hitting Vegas, with a trip to Mexico on deck for next week. Kaitlyn’s season couldn’t even afford home visits….so0oo0…

Speaking of hometowns, the twins are ecstatic about Ben visiting their native land before he even knows which one is which. They can’t wait to show him the Eiffel Tower and Tombs of Pharaoh. Maybe they’ll even dip into Caesar’s Palace and Twin 1 will tell him that the real Caesar lived there. Olivia just wants to see Celine. Same girl, Same.

 

“You Set My Heart on Fire” with JoJo

Shocker, their date is a helicopter ride, since it’s following my previously outlined date-with-Ben algorithm. SUUPER original. Except this time he sets up a table with champs just for the helicopter to blow it over and force him and JoJo to duck behind it for cover. Later on, JoJo apparently is sad she’s had a failed relationship. In other news JoJo is really boring and breaking up with a guy after a year isn’t the most dramatic thing we’ve ever heard. I mean a mere week ago we learned about someone’s entire family dying. Kick it into perspective, girlfrand. Anyway, there are fireworks and sloppy kisses and Olivia hears a few crackles in the sky and almost sniffs them out to prevent someone else’s relationship from advancing ahead of hers.

Talentless Hacks with Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H., Jennifer, Rachel, Olivia, Amanda, Lauren B., Jubilee

Nothing says VEGAS quite like a shitty ventriloquist that a few of the girls pretend to know. This ventriloquist would have been the worst act to ever grace Vegas, if it wasn’t for Olivia and her cabaret number. Bless Lauren B. for speaking for every girl on this show and admitting, “I have no talent. I have 0 talent.” I wonder if that’s a tagline used in the casting call for each season? It seems fitting. Even though Ben has requested everyone to unearth their deepest special talents, some are better than others at admitting they’re dust when it comes to the talent department. I’m looking at you Lauren H. Singing “Old McDonald Had A Farm” and spelling out the word rose in a chicken suit does not a talent make. Someone was on Lauren H’s side though because despite that being REAL embarrassing, she really dodged a bullet when a producer talked Olivia into going for whatever she was trying to go for there.

Enter: the worst stripper you could ever hire. Olivia clamors those honking ankles of hers out of a cake and clunks over the edge. Once her hooves hit the ground she then breaks into an awkward shimmy, kick, spectacle and the crowd is really feeling it.

JK her performance makes everyone in this world uncomfy, including Ben. Since Olivia is really confident in herself and never gets embarrassed, it’s surprising to see that she immediately is mortified and has channeled that into a 5 star panic attack. SERIOUSLY GUYS GET THE CAMERAS AWAY FROM HER!! SHE HATES ATTENTION!

At the evening portion of the most embarrassing televised moment of Olivia’s life—please keep in mind this is the same girl whose jaw at one point extended from the top of my TV screen to the bottom—Caila is commended for being a sex panther. Show’s over, Olivia. You’re the anti-sexy and Ben just compared another woman to a wildcat in the sheets. There’s a sidebar of Ben and Lauren H. hanging out with a puppet. It’s sad that Lauren H. thinks five minutes with Ben and a dummy counts as a real date. I almost shed a tear for her. Then she kisses the puppet and she ain’t worth my pity tears. Olivia finally gets her moment to shine (ask Ben if her performance was a boner kill) and Ben’s like, “it wasn’t thaaattt…”CUE THE TWIN-INTERRUPTUS. As the ladies know, you can’t keep an Olivia down and she comes back with an awkward jig and a vengeance. She can’t go to bed without a smooch from Ben. So she forces him to kiss her by leaning in with her lips out and staring at him with the crazy eyes. Lauren B. gets the rose.

 

“Get Dressed it’s a Big Day” with Becca

Becca gets a wedding dress hand-delivered so that all the other girls can shit themselves and make aggressive jokes about her virginity. Cause girls build each other up and stuff. On the date, they marry OTHER people in a tacky Vegas chapel. By that I mean Ben marries other people and Becca watches with an encouraging smile. Ben tries to make other people’s marriages all about him and his newly online ordained skillset and not to raise any unnecessary red flags…but Ben and Becca are definitely witnesses to a very creepy mail order bride sitch, but that’s neither here nor there.

BECCA, BEN HIGGINS

Later, Ben takes Becca to a junkyard with neon signs, but like it has grants and stuff. So it’s educational? I don’t know. I guess I would rather he stick to the aviation + unknown singer formula. He addresses how casj Becca was that Chris Soules ALMOST PROPOSED TO HER and she’s like eh I’m over it, round 2 baby. JK Becca is more mature now and knows she doesn’t want a fake farmer with pit stains. Between you and me, I’ve got odds on Becca to run train on this thing. The season that is, not Ben. Obviously. They discuss the elephant in the room that all of America already knows Becca is a virgin because she was dubbed THA VIRGIN of last season. Ben giggles that he’s the opposite of a virgin. I bet Becca’s never heard that one before. They both agree their faith is strong enough to not bone before marriage.

 

SURPRISE! Twinning at Home

IN A SHOCKING TWIST—Ben wants to do a 2-on-1 AND hometown date with the twinz. So basically, Ben is forced to prove that he still doesn’t know which twin is which. One of the twins (Haley?) is embarrassed that her bedroom at home (where she still lives because she’s fresh outta college) is littered with pics of her and her ex boyf. I’m embarrassed by the amount of Pink body mists she owns. My watching partner of the evening roots for Ben to end up with the mom, mostly because he thinks the twins are uggo. Instead, Ben kicks the girl (Haley?) who’s hung up on her ex-bf to the curb. Emily’s really proud of her sister for being so strong, especially since she basically told Ben to cut the dead weight of her own flesh and blood. Also we can go ahead and QUIT IT with the twins telling him he needs to treat them as individuals. RLY?

Also, related but unrelated- shout out to my best roomie Den, who put up with 2 hours of garbage last night and even gave me an update on what I missed when I went to get my laundry. You da real MVP. No matter what Olivia says.

Rose Ceremony

JoJo, Caila, Lauren B., Becca, Amanda, Lauren H., Jubilee, Emily, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

BYE Rachel, whose last parting words were: “Idk I was the only one who didn’t kiss him yet.” AND THAT WASN’T A RED FLAG? BYE Amber, who cries on a chaise lounge in the dark, heels dangling from her hand. Pls don’t ever come back. Third time is NOT a charm.

 

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Going Deep”

 

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Hey, hey, hey, we’re still in the Hamptons and everyone’s gotten over fangirling all up on Erika Jayne so now I’m bored. Last night’s final event of the trip is the opening of a pop-up shop for Kyle’s “Forever 21 for 50 Year Olds Trying Too Hard.” Seriously, do you see the fitted hats with glitter words in the above picture? Three of the girls wear pink to the event and Lisa almost rips their dresses right off them upon her arrival. Bethenny is still lurking around the wrong show and approaches Erika to apologize but not really apologize. Erika’s like we Gucci, I don’t concern myself with your opinions. Then we get into the juicy biz of gossip because not an episode goes by without a side conversation about Kim Richards that gives Kyle the uncomfies. Rinna thinks it would be approps to revisit last year’s feud with Kim so that she can declare that she caused Kim’s addiction and downward spiral. Oh, Rinna. Stop making everyone else’s problems about you. Kyle sneaks up on the group as they’re making her family’s deep-rooted issues about themselves and everyone gets REAL nervous. It’s like when you were in high school and your parents walk in on you and your friends talking about whose getting alcohol for your basement drinking on Friday night and instead of covering it up everyone just turns and stares at them, looking guilty. Surprisingly, Kyle handles it well and instead of losing her shit she shouts LET’S DRINK TO NOT CARING ABOUT KIM! WOOHOOOOO HAMPTONS.

The ladies all purchase their age inappropriate crop tops and booty shorts and then head back to Kyle’s for a dinner party. Obviously housewives can’t eat dinner without a little drama. Eileen and Lisa start yapping about their dumb disagreement over asking too many questions or whatever and Ken, WHO DOES NOT HAVE A G-D LIFE OUTSIDE OF FOLLOWING LISA AROUND, butts in and demands to know what Eileen’s talking to HIS WIFE about. Look, I can’t shit on Ken enough this season. It’s getting sad. He needs to find friends and stop attending all-female events and involving himself in bitch fights while Giggy sits on his lap. If he ever had a man card, it’s been set on fire this season.

Anyway, the conversation spins back to feuds past—so Erika can get caught up on all the shit she definitely already knows about. And while Kyle is addressing her demons with Kim’s addiction, Rinna tells us in her confessional, “Kyle’s sister is getting arrested left and right and it’s affecting me deeply.” Oh, it is, Rinna? Poor you. (I’m salivating over Kyle sinking her teeth into that sound byte at the reunion.)

Once the girls have politely sniffed at their lobster, Kyle feels like it’s an opportune time to play round robin of “what keeps you up at night?” I guess this is better than charades or whatever it was that ended with the girls calling each other slut pigs, but it doesn’t seem like it will go well at all. Lisa’s like, I don’t have any problems, tralala. And then…dare I say it. I laughed out loud at something Kyle said. She comes out of left field with the zing of the century for Lisa when she says; “Your biggest problem can’t be getting a mini pony onto a private plane.” Everyone’s shitting on Lisa for her first world problems and Eileen is like hey everyone I’ve been abused. Yikes, Eileen. Read the room. We rebound quickly from the heavy when Kyle is all, okay not to be selfish but… HAHAHA Kyle’s got jokes tonight. Seriously, she was on FIRE!

In other boring news, Erika cruises on over to Ohio in her private plane with shitty chamomile tea bags to pick up Yolanda after her surgery. We have to look at her disgusting implant photos again. Ralph city. And also, Faye Resnick is back. She’s here to design Kyle’s new closet the size of my apt and give unsolicited family advice. I wish Connie Britton played Faye Resnick in real life too.

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Next up—the Hero Dog Awards, where celebrities match their toy dog to their outfit and carry it around Pump with a cocktail. This party WOULD have been boring, had we not met the next newbie in the crew. I thought the day would never come, I mean she doesn’t even have a mildly offensive and definitely narcissistic tagline in the opening credits. If she did, maybe it would say that she’s introduced as Rinna’s friend, but Rinna clearly knows nothing about her. Not five seconds after Rinna’s like omg Kathryn I can’t believe it’s you; she brings up the most infamous celebrity murder in the past 30 years. You know, typical catching up chitchat. Apparently Kathryn was married to Marcus (OJ’s BFF, and possible sexual partner of Nicole Brown-Simpson) at the height of the whole thang. Rinna makes it no secret that the only things she knows about Kathryn she probably read in Faye Resnick’s memoir and therefore I’m guessing Kathryn’s title as “Rinna’s friend” is preeetttyyy loosey goosey.

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Looking to make this staged run-in more awkward? Look no further than Eileen who gets a case of the nervy word vomits and goes Hi Kathryn nice to meet you; I dated your ex-husband once. And we’re off! To a great start with Kathryn-no one knows her last name. Once Kyle brings Faye into things, it becomes very clear that maybe we should leave discussion of murder off the Real Housewives. The Kardashians are already involved in OJ. Let’s leave well enough alone, shall we ladies? We’ve boatloads of drama without involving an infamous homicide. JK we’re going to milk it for this season’s drama clearly because next week is Faye Vs. Kathryn to hash out 20-year-old beef. I do know one thing though. OJ’s been laying heavy on Rinna’s life and that’s definitely something we need to consider and console her for.

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