RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Drama Queens”

It’s a new week and a new event to publicly fight at and I’m feeling very blessed that Kyle decided to throw a gay mixer for attention because it’s the perfect platform for Round 2 in the Sister vs BFF Battle Royale. But first we must focus on the prep for the party so that Kyle can bask in the glow of a party planning spotlight. While setting up the tops and bottoms gay mixer, Kyle appoints herself spokeswoman for her gays because she’d like to be the whistleblower on their casual sex preferences. Officer Kyle wants to keep the gays off Grindr and onto penetrating at a party she hosts instead so she can get full credit.

While Kyle debates if she would be a top or a bottom, or most likely both, so as not to be outdone…Yo and David are going to Italy for a charity event with Andrea Bocelli and George Clooney. It’s unclear whether the charity event is in fact Clooney’s wedding to “the most fascinating woman in America” according to Barbara Walters. Yo packs and tells us, “My husband is very generous because he’s willing to travel all over the world for charity.” If someone paid for me to go to Italy I would be reaaallll charitable too. I love the fact that Yo is gallivanting around NYC and Italy and doing genuinely cool things instead of becoming a trashmonster by association who watches women use their spikey bracelets to physically harm one another. Stay pure, Yoli.

Mizz Ice Queen, shows a thawed out side this week as her son Max is interested in finding out his heritage. Apparently Lisa wasn’t prepared for her adopted son to ever wonder about his birth parents. Lisa, have you ever watched a television show in your life? That’s literally what every adopted child does as soon as they’re old enough. She finally agrees to let him look into it. I suspect it comes down to one question: MAX, ARE YOUR BIRTH PARENTS GOING TO HAVE SWANS IN THEIR FRONT YARD? No competition. I rest my case.

Brandi visits Kim who has finally been released from the hospital and is wearing a coordinated leopard sweatsuit with her hair styled and blush suited for a haunted porcelain doll, just puttsing around the house. Kim was in the hospital for a week with a hernia and some broken ribs from… coughing? Can we get a doctors’ note on this? Things aren’t adding up here. Brandi wonders aloud, “What is a hernia anyway?” Kim’s only reply is a juicy coughing fit. Safe to say she doesn’t know either. Kyle and Kim also have a heart to heart where Kim admits that before going to the poker party, Monty said, “Take one of my pain pills, it will make you feel better.” Kim opened wide and he tossed it in her mouth like she was catching a cheeseball as a party trick while his body continued to wither away on her couch. Something tells me Kim would take candy from a man in a rape van without questioning it. Apparently it was a pill for Monty’s cancer, which is totally interchangeable for hernias and stuff. Is this enough evidence to present a case for a live-in RN at Kim’s house? Just wondering. Anyway, apparently the sisters forgive and forget and cry a little because they love each other forever and ever.

It’s the night of the Gays, FINALLY. Kyle wears a turquoise sparkle stretch mini with her melons (literally she has to keep tugging to keep her nipples from coming out to play) and ass out, cause like she’s partying with gays so it’s FINE to dress like a 20 year old at a club. The rest of the housewives follow suit, confirming every woman’s stereotype that she can dress slutty around gays because they’re not interested. Does that mean that I can dress slutty at work because my female boss isn’t interested orrrr does it not apply in this sitch? Pls advise. Each housewife brings a few gays like they brought a few old dresses from their closet to Lisa’s homeless teen luncheon a few weeks ago. They try to pair their last season gays off like mating pandas the second they walk in the door. The mixer game of the night is guess the celeb on your back with yes or no questions. Rinna and Lisa kiss to get Kyle to guess Katy Perry and it’s not how the game is supposed to be played but who caaaaress because friends kissing is OK at a tops and bottoms party.

Kim (or the producers who slyly rub their hands together and dream up ways to create confrontation) decides to bring uninvited Brandi to the party to mend the fences. On the way over, Brandi totes thinks that they can just sweep the poker brawl under the rug and blame it on the booze, blame it on the ah-ah-ah-alch-a-haul. It becomes clear as soon as she shows up that Kyle will be hitting the booze to cope with Brandi’s party crashing ways. Drink up, girl. You need a straw? Let’s get things started. In no time, both women have done their best to work the room and get everyone at the party separately involved in their fight by gossiping and seeking advice from them. I’m assuming before the gays pair off they ask if the other is Team Brandi or Team Kyle. (For the record, if anyone’s wondering I’m Team Neither, or Team Yolanda, if you will.)

In the first heat of the night, Kyle gets herself worked up talking to her handler ladysitter, recalling everything Brandi has ever done to her. With the visions of Brandi accusing Mauricio of cheating dancing in her head, Kyle storms over to Brandi, Kim and Lisa and delivers a very gritty apology for pushing Brandi’s arm down BUT also told Brandi she should’ve never gotten in the middle of sisters. Lisa scampers away as fast as her sky high glitter pumps will take her and it is ON like Donkey Kong. Kyle has obviously set Brandi up to fill in the blanks for a return apology. Oh sweet, dumb Kyle, when has Brandi ever backed down and let someone put words in her mouth? Brandi tells Kyle, I accept your apology but I know everything about you and your sis, so shut up. Kyle takes this really well. Just kidding she loses her shit and starts throwing F bombs at Brandi and telling her that she’s a disgusting uninvited rude bitch piece of dirty garbage. I might be paraphrasing here. Kim and Brandi look at Kyle half amused and half scared, hoping that she’ll tire herself out from her tantrum and put herself down for a nappy soon enough.

Brandi defends herself by saying that she actually helped plan this party (and there’s a flashback to prove it, thank God for the constant camera crews otherwise we wouldn’t have this evidence.) Kyle denies everything and continues to spiral further and further into her meltdown. At one point she yells this at Brandi, “You know what they say. If you meet more than one asshole a day then most likely you’re the asshole.” If that isn’t the words of the prophets that were written on the subway wall, then I don’t know what is. I will forever live my life by that statement. More than one asshole=I’m an asshole. Got it, Kyle. Brandi feels threatened that Kyle might grab her arm again, to which Kyle shouts that it was her EFFING SHARP BRACELET, NOT HER. At this point I’m huddled in the corner of my room, a blanket covering my eyes, reminding myself that this fight comes down to a byproduct of jewelry scratches. Brandi doesn’t care if a diamond scratched her or Kyle did because she wants to knock Kyle’s teeth out. Classic. There’s a few more “disgustings” thrown around, a “your husband doesn’t want you” and finally the tried and true, “you hurt my feelings” from Kim, mixed with ever flowing tears of course. EVERYONE CUT IT OUT WITH THE FIGHTING, KIM’S FEELINGS ARE HURT. Let’s all write each other one fuzzy wuzzy, apologize and hug and we’ll move on to snack time. Will we make it to snack time or will someone need a new set of front veneers first? Stay tuned to see the continuation next week of the only club the gays don’t love—Fight Club.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Where is New Mexico?

This week’s episode starts out with Chris in Santa Fe staring up at a sky full of hot air balloons wondering how a balloon could float in the air AND hold a person. He’s lost in trying to fathom the meaning of the world as the girls find out that they’ll be visiting him in New Mexico for some dates. They all immediately Google if this is an area of Mexico that’s newer, and get their passports ready for a flight two states over. Shh, if we feed them Mexican food they won’t know the difference.

Hey Chris, the balloons are that way…ohh nevermind.

“Let’s Come (Cum?) Together” with Carly

Carly wins the one on one date—she looks surprised, mostly because her eyebrows are frozen like that. They have a date with a love guru who looks like one of the Egyptian vampires who came to Forks to help the Cullen’s fight the Volturi in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2. She pumps a lot of smoke into the room that I can only presume smells like the incense they swing around church on Easter and they’re both told to chant. Chris has a higher pitched voice than Carly and he should probably go into hiding now because that’s so embarrassing. But no, that’s not even the humiliating part of this date. It gets worse when they’re asked to feel each other up and then strip in front of the lady wearing a tube top and a scarf. These two prudes get real uncomfy undressing and smearing chocolate on each other (I can’t understand why) and opt for talking about their feelings instead. Oh and Carly sits on his lap, flattens his boner and they breathe into each other’s mouths Darth Vader style. Seriously, Chris I think you have a deviated septum, stop snarling while you breathe. They rape each other’s mouths after this breathing exercise and mushroom cut guru stares on from a mere inch away.

I understand the date name now.

Later on, Carly admits next to a crackling fire that her last boyfriend thought she was disgusting and wouldn’t touch her. She talks about how insecure she is about being an ugly woman who guys don’t want to sex. Chris reassures her by telling her she’s cool and smart like he’s signing her yearbook in 8^th grade. She gets a rose and admits this is the first reciprocate relationship she’s had in a while and I hate to be the one to remind her that he’s also dating 10 other women.

“I’m Rapidly Falling In Love” Group Date

They all go white water rafting and Jade gets tossed from the raft and of course she also happens to have a condition that gives her hypothermia in normal temperatures so she gets a personal foot rub to warm up from Chris. Kelsey turns into the green-eyed monster and begins her swan dive off the deep end that will culminate in a staged panic attack at the end of this episode. Stay Tuned.

Hey everyone remember Jordan? She always had an IV of wine hooked up and she twerked on the bathroom wall then demanded Chris kiss her before he finally did, when he kissed her goodbye. Jordan makes a triumphant return asking for a sober second chance but also sneaking in the confession that she definitely has a drinking problem. Chris brings Jordan to the group date and Becca genuinely looks like Chris has just walked in with a yeti on his arm. The rest of the date is spent assembling a verdict for letting Jordan stay or not. Chris interviews the girls like they’re part of a jury to vote Boozy off the island. Jordan feels uncomfortable because all the girls obviously hate her for stealing their time; she goes to the bathroom for just long enough that I’m concerned she’s found the bar instead. Everyone tells Chris that it’s his decision but with their eyes they say that his decision should be to send Jordan home. Sack up and learn how to say no, Chris.

Finally after ruining the group date, he takes Jordan aside and tells her to kick rocks. She has a dramatic goodbye with the girls who just talked shit about her and she hugs every girl. Kelsey brings her in tight, pets her hair and whispers, “I’ll always admire you,” as she snips a lock of Jordan’s hair to add to her potion later. Whitney gets the rose for being there for the “right reasons.” KardASHLEY cries about it because she hasn’t thrown a tantrum yet this episode. Later she bitches to Mackenzie, her soundboard about how Whitney is a fake asshole who hates her for no reason. Note: KardASHLEY is wearing a top as a dress, yet there’s no black censor box, apparently Jillian took it with her when she left.

“Sky’s The Limit” with Britt

Britt gets the date card and immediately bursts into tears not because Carly just told her to shower for once, but because she’s deathly afraid of heights. Chris wakes Britt up for their date at 430AM and he’s really impressed with how she looks in the morning, probably because she has a full face of makeup on, including red lipstick. Britt let’s leave it to Beyonce to wake up like this, k? Carly has to watch them make out and is pezzed at Britt, the dirty old sock on the suite floor. Britt and Chris take a sunrise hot air balloon ride and Britt shows absolutely no fear of heights. Hmm…Could she be bi-curious AND dramatic?

Chris takes her back to his hotel room where Britt tells Chris that she wants 100 kids. Apparently Chris is into saggy vaginas that drag on the ground because he gives her the rose. They have some sloppy kisses and Chris shows her what’s behind door #3. Hint: it’s his penis. Back at the Mexican house, the ladies eat taquitos and talk shit about Britt and how she showers once a year and told them she doesn’t want to get married or have kids. They all agree Britt is a hoebag and also a fleabag. Later, Britt recaps for the girls and confirms their fears, “we ordered room service and took a nap.” That’s what the kids are calling hide the snake these days? Ok, Britt. And just because I feel like I’m stingy with the compliments, I’ll add that Britt’s hair was ON POINT for this date, clean or full of bugs, it didn’t matter because her glossy mane got her a one way ticket to Poundtown.

Kelsey hears about this “nap” and it lights a fire under her sensible shoes. After revealing to KardASHLEY and her minion (Mackenzie) the story of her husband dying earlier in the episode, Kelsey feels like she must tell Chris before the rose ceremony. She surprises Chris in his hotel room. Kelsey tells the tale of Sanderson Poe, her husband and also the character from a 1950’s story. She shows some emotion when telling it this time around (as opposed to, “SHIT HAPPENS HAHA” earlier with the girls.) The story now has a happy ending, because Kelsey gets her first kiss from Chris. Kelsey thanks her dead husband, who is probably watching over her with a monocle, for guaranteeing her pity rose and smooch. Also would we put it past Kelsey to murder someone? Just throwing it out there, but it will quickly be redacted if Kelsey ever reads this, for my own safety of course.

Chris tries to give a pre-rose speech about his emotional talk with Kelsey. GODDAMNIT, CHRIS PULL IT TOGETHER. Britt strokes Kelsey’s arm as she reveals how she snuck into Chris’s room to honor Sanderson, the greatest detective in Winston County. Kelsey turns on the tears to distract the dumbos around her from what she’s actually saying, which is that her husband died, Chris will obviously keep her around and she’ll cut a bitch that gets in her way.

Chris wah wahs to C.Harrison and wants to skip the social because he already knows whom he wants to cut loose. The girls are informed that they’ll be skipping right to the delete portion of the night and Kelsey announces that she doesn’t even want to do a rose ceremony because apparently she’s nervous Chris might’ve found her witches potion in her room that will trick him into marrying her. RIGHT after this little comment, Kelsey disappears and wouldn’t you know she has a very loud and aggress panic attack on the floor of the hallway. Is it too late for a last minute Oscar nom? I’ll find out. TO BE CONTINUED.

Roses (So Far): Carly, Whitney, Britt

Best Quotes:

“The hats & sombreros that they wear in Mexico, I don’t know if they wear that in New Mexico. I’m excited, I’ve never been out of the country” -Helmet Megan showing the damage her brain suffered courtesy of Chris’s brick wall. She also dons a sombrero at the end to show everyone that she’s racist. Indians and Mexicans are the same HAHA it’s FUNNY cause I’m wearing a BIG HAT.

“I just don’t think that you like her.”-Mackenzie trying to rationalize the babble that’s dribbling from KardASHLEY’s perfect red pout about Whitney being fake.

“Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic, but it’s amazing.”-Kelsey reciting a line from her future Lifetime movie about the murder of Chris Soules.

“This is harder than I thought it’d be.”-Chris crying about dating multiple women every single week.

“Now it’s just a big comparison game of sad stories.” –KardASHLEY summing up the plot of The Bachelor in one sentence. Who has a more depressing story? You’re CAST in this season of The Bachelor. Please inappropriately share it on national TV. Sorry that you’re only a virgin, KardASHLEY. Dem’s the pits.

Tune in next week to see an ambulance arrive and Kelsey pop up from the floor to admit she was just practicing a scene from Gone with the Wind. KardASHLEY cries some more and will we EVER find out who the hell Samantha is? Seriously, is this common for someone who’s never spoken to be kept around for this many weeks? Feel free to chime in on that.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “It’s Wack-A-Doodle Time”

Oh, the State of the Union Address from our president was on last night? Well you know what, knowing about world issues is for squares because instead of being informed of news and politics, I was enlightened on how middle aged women groom their bikini areas, or don’t groom—I’m lookin at you, Rinna. Same difference, really.

Kyle organizes a spa day in Santa Barbara to get away from the stress of taking her kid to college and being on family vacation. I fully expect Kyle to start singing “What’s Left of Me” by Nick Lachey as she recounts to Eileen how she dropped off Alexia and now half of her is missing. The gals take a windowless rape van to spa day and talk about their pubic hair en route. Insert Kim’s terrible joke about Harry liking it Hairy. Oh, KIM. Brandi assumes that Lisa doesn’t do her own bikini trimming, she makes Rosia do it. And you know what? She’s probably right.

“I’m a pamper whore,” Rinna confesses before she laughs like a cartoon character and I’ve finally figured out that she IS Kristen Wiig’s parody of Kathie Lee Gifford with less wine. That’s been bothering me for weeks and I’m glad I finally made the connection. Thanks for helping me work through that, guys. Anyway they manage to all get massages without fighting and only a few anal jokes from Brandi and they’re off to a wine tasting that Kyle thought was just a wine pairing, not a tasting (what’s the difference?) and now feels terrible that Kim has to watch everyone “taste” five glasses of wine and not be allowed to stick a straw in Brandi’s nearly empty glass for a quick sippy. Kim takes this time to reassure everyone she’s fine while simultaneously making a bunch of wine jokes like this is her own personal shitty reformed alcoholic comedy show. I assume this is the punishment these girls must face for drinking in front of her. On the rape van ride back, the girls divulge their secret fantasies. Kyle reveals that she wants to be a stripper professionally and the limo screeches to a halt, Brandi’s fake boob is dislodged, Rinna’s face hits the window, slides down the glass and still doesn’t move a muscle and Lisa shouts in the most surprised tone she could muster, “YOU WANT TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION? THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION, KYLE.” Did that really happen? Probably not, but it was really brave of Kyle to share that secret need for people’s eyes on her anyway. Brandi is feeling the courage being passed around so she includes her fantasy of catching her guy banging someone else from behind and suddenly the safe space has closed up and there’s a padlock on the door because everyone looks at her with disgust and tells her she’s a pervert. This basically sums up how all teenage slumber parties go. It’s all fun and games until someone reveals a little too much, then you’re sitting in the lunchroom alone.

Eileen is hosting a poker night because these women can only throw parties that cater to their husband’s talents/interests…(i.e. sing along dinner parties at the Foster home.) For those of you that have forgotten, Eileen’s husband Vincent hosts the world poker tournament or something. Miss Ice “My Maid Gives Me A Bikini Wax” Queen is conveniently on vacation and can’t make the tournament. For anyone whose still not keeping track, Lisa plans things so that she doesn’t have to lower herself to show up to these commoner events. I for one am thankful, because we don’t have to see Brandi and Lisa interact any more than a little pube talk from earlier.

Vincent is dressed in a vibrant magenta button down shirt and will be the moderator of the evening, and I don’t think he’s been to enough drunk tank parties with these ladies to realize just how serious his job will be. He’ll learn soon enough.

The ladies pair off to carpool so that I have more material for my recap, which was truly generous of them. Kim rides in with Rinna and immediately everyone on this planet knows she’s on something because Kim does not hide sloppiness well. Rinna asks her how she is and she just keeps repeating/slurring the word “Ornery”. Full disclosure, because I feel like this is a safe space and we’re all friends, I had to look that word up. Believe me, no one is more disappointed in me than myself that Kim Richards has a better vocabulary than me. Thank God they added closed caption for her incoherent chatter or I wouldn’t even be able to spell it. For the record, if anyone is asking for a friend what it means, it’s defined as ugly and unpleasant disposition/temper or in laymen’s terms: how Kim is acting for the entire evening. But anyway let’s not skip ahead just yet. I didn’t think any limo ride could get worse than the group “you tell your secret if I tell a secret” from earlier but boy it did. Kim talks about how lonely she’s feeling now that her dying ex-husband Monty disappeared (probably to go to Vegas) and no one should feel bad for him, everyone should feel bad for her. Number one lesson in taking care of a sick person. All the sympathy should be with the caregiver, obv. Kim then decides she should maybe start acting again and chooses that very moment to start practicing for the role of drugged out murderous bitch. She nails the part if we’re being honest, glaring at Rinna and calling her disgusting over and over and then telling her to F off. At one point Rinna almost breaks a window and tucks her elbows in to roll out of the moving vehicle like she’s escaping abduction. But alas, they arrive at Eileen’s warm and welcoming American Psycho meets Antique Roadshow home.

The tourney begins and I applaud the producers for suddenly turning a bunch of ladies wearing designer dresses to a game night into cigar smoking bad bitches ready to throw down. Vincent deserves all of the awards in the world for his efforts to teach a bunch of drunk idiots the game of poker. What he quickly learns is that they all have great poker faces because Botox. At the stroke of first call, Brandi rears her ugly alter ego of Boozy Brandi and starts calling all the actresses dumb because they suck at poker and don’t understand what’s going on. Kim peels her head off the table long enough to secure a win and suddenly she’s filled with the youthful energy of Brandi’s last bang buddy. Kim celebrates her and Brandi’s win by doing laps around the house, throwing streamers and setting off fireworks then looks at Kyle and SNEERS, “you jealous we won?” This should’ve been the point where the producers intervened and put baby Kimmy to bed, but obviously the show must go on so that we can watch this train wreck with horror and never look away. Vincent continues to talk to the ladies like he’s reading a storybook to a bunch of restless kindergarteners at the library and they continue to snarl at each other. Brandi then wins the whole tournament and her acceptance speech consists of “I’m the only non-actress here and you’re all stupid.” Mic drop. (Or in this case, award drop).

At the climax of this very realistic portrayal of what I imagine the Real Housewives of Vegas would look like, if it existed, Kyle and Kim go into the bathroom and Kim finally spills the beans, or the pills, that Dr. Monty apparently administered to her for some pain she’s been having. Apparently even on his deathbed Monty can still be an enabler and write a few prescriptions for his recovering addict of an ex-wife. Kim then gets a little sense that maybe she should kick rocks because this poker party is turning into an after school special and Brandi offers to walk her out. Boozy Brandi tells Kim she knows EXACTLY what she’s going through and then latches her talons into Kim’s arm and says that she’ll walk Kim around like a mannequin to say goodbye to everyone so she doesn’t cause any more trouble. At this point I’m having a hard time figuring out whom this tactic is protecting more…Boozy or Pills? Regardless, Kyle tries to get through the human shield that is Boozy so she can talk to Pills and Kyle gets a little too pushy which sets off Boozy who lays a haymaker on Kyle and basically throws her down Eileen’s antique stairs. WILL KYLE SURVIVE THE FALL? Find out next week on an all-new Street Fighters of Beverly Hills. Tough stuff, lesson learned. What’s the lesson to take away, you ask? Don’t call actresses dumb.

Television

The Bachelor Season 19 Premiere

An open h8er of The Bachelor I never thought I would see the day where I was willingly watching a season. Then I realized that I could recap the insanity for all my Bachelor-lovin’ friends and turn it into pure lawls. So here we are with a new weekly TV Recap. Follow me on this journey as Prince Farming, Chris Soules finds his milk maid. (Yes, I did write that myself, but it is only a matter of minutes before ABC trademarks it because the first 5 minutes of the premiere were FULL of cheesy farm cliches equally as cringeworthy as that one.)

Our farmtastic bachelor has a lovely montage to open up the show and so that we can see how many times he can talk about his crops or stare at them longingly from his motorcycle. Two minutes into the episode and he’s tearing up after he just rolled in badass style on his Harley, Chris was already showing us the gamut of emotions that he holds inside. “Love…is a lot like farming…” he muses as he eats the corn from his field and wonders if he’ll finally find someone to feed his chickens. After a little souleful Chris (see what I did there?), he shows us his rugged side by having ABC send a personal trainer all the way out to Iowa so that he can watch Chris do pushups on haystacks and talk about his regular farm workout regimen. Then he throws on some aviators, rides into the dust (should his motorcycle be ridden so closely to his crops? seems dangerous) to the soundtrack of badass music, on his way to find his woman. Once he arrives in LA we learn that Chris is scared of traffic and clothes and stuff cause he’s just a down home farmer. “I wish I was harvesting corn instead of getting fitted for a three piece suit.” Getting dressed is exhausting, he tells us. Apparently getting undressed is not because we got an obligatory shower scene, and damn have those hay pushups really been working. He’s ready to meet his biddies in waiting now…

Let’s meet Chris’s potential co-harvesters:

Britt-Waitress from Hollywood. She didn’t have sex in her last relationship and clearly misses it, she calls herself a “feeler, for sure” and gives out free hugs on Hollwood Blvd. to strangers. This all was enough to creep me out, but apparently Farmer Chris was on a whole different page than me. Britt gets out of the limo and gives Chris an excrutiatingly long hug and then slips him a coupon for a free hug…for later obvs. When they have some one on one time later they–wait for it–hug. And then Britt tells Chris that she can be his safe haven and they have an almost kiss where they really just stare at each other for a couple minutes. At the end of the night Britt receives the first impression rose saving her from elimination and also Chris follows up the rose with a steamy makeout sesh that was a liiiiittle aggress. Britt makes it more aggress by revealing it feels like she’s kissing her boyfriend. Pump the brakes, gurl. How did they part? With a hug. Duh.

Jillian- News Producer. She gyms real hard in neon tanks and also cheers in front of the monuments of DC. She exits the limo and goes for the tough girl act with Chris. Jillian grabs his muscles and then flexes for him and probably threatened to beat him up or something.

Amanda- Ballet Instructor. Amanda lives at home and is lazy AF, her mom has her fingers crossed she marries this bitch off so she stops free-loading. Amanda chooses the weird meeting route and in the long run it’s a big fail. She slips Chris a note to close his eyes and sneaks up on him from behind to be his “secret admirer” except that when he comes looking for the secret admirer she admits it’s her right away. He really worked for that. She has a set of REAL hard crazy eyes and the cameraman zoomed right in on those bad boys forcing some nightmares at me. No worries though she’s gone–No rose for the crazy eyes.

Whitney- Fertility Nurse, Chicago. Has a whiny nasally voice that makes me want to break my ears off, wants kids STAT, will 100% be the contestant to switch out her birth control and pull a pregnancy trap. Whitney is SUPES outgoing and doesn’t let Chris get a word in edgewise, which is fine because while she’s talking she’s already planning what their children will look like. They have PG talk about sex and it’s lame and boring.

MacKenzie-Dental Assistant. Teen mom who prefers hanging with a one year old than anyone else (read: no friends), wants a dad for her illegitimate son. Doesn’t know what alfalfa is. AND YET STILL GETS A ROSE.

Alissa- Flight Attendant. Compares love to flying WAY too much and talks about nothing else. I was convinced she would redeem herself and then her gimmick when meeting Chris was keeping him safe with an ACTUAL airplane seatbelt that she ACTUALLY strapped on him. Cut the shit Alissa, we GET that you’re a flight attendant but not everything has a correlating airplane metaphor. Brace yourself for more to come because she made it through the cut.

Kelsey- School Counselor Austin TX. Freshly widowed, suuuuper athletic, otherwise boring. Does not stand out to me at all except for maybe being an actual normal person, but she makes the cut anyway.

Kaitlyn- Dance Instructor. Meets Chris and immediately tells him “you can plow the F out of my field any day.” He has the uncomfies and then she picks some shit off of his face makes a crazy jealous gf joke and is off to the races for being the inapprops one. Since her schtick is telling off color jokes, she bangs one out to the crowd of prissy, judgmental girls with Chris and of course one girl doesn’t even get it. Hot crowd. Kaitlyn uses her one on one time with Chris to teach him how to break dance in some comfy yoga pants under her dress and I’m glad we’re keeping her around because we need her to stir shit up.

Megan- Makeup things…that’s all I’ve got for Megan. I don’t even remember her if we’re being honest.

Ashley- Hair Stylist. Her hair looks sexy pushed back. Just kidding, it doesn’t look sexy but it’s pushed back and I wish that it wasn’t. Ashley is the crazy bitch who keeps babbling about onions and tells the WWE wrestler to get lost when she’s talking to Chris. Also rips a pomegranate out of the bushes. Yet she still gets a rose………….

Trina- Special Ed Teacher. Again, I got nothin.

Reegan- Tissue Specialist. This weirdo talks about how she has this great job touching human tissue and stuff and brings Chris a fake heart in a cooler to be like HAHA I’m funny smart and cute wink, wink. And he’s like HAHA that was none of the above- WINK, WINK….and she’s gone.

Tara-Sport Fishing. Tara is our resident hick who shows up in cutoff jorts, plaid shirt and cowboy boots and tells Chris this is who I am so suck on that. She then enters the room of bitches, gets one dirty look and suddenly she cares what everyone thinks and throws on a dress and some wedges to sneak back out and make a better impression. Nailed it. Tara more than made up for her weird double intro by throwing back whiskey all night. Once the rose ceremony rolls around, Tara clearly has the spins and can’t hold her shit together but RIGHT before she boots and passes out, she gets a rose. WUT.

Tandra- Executive Assistant. Tandra rides in on a motorcycle and tries to be badass and cool and stuff and makes a crack about riding on the highway in it even though she entered from stage left and probably wheeled it in. That’s all we need to know about her for now. I can’t even remember if she got a rose or not. Clearly it’s not important.

Jordan- Student. Jordan rolls out of the limo with a nip of Whiskey because she heard it’s Chris’s favorite liquor and they toss it back together. I respect the hell out of this and any one who brought me liquor at the first meeting would get the first impression rose without hesitation…to hell with free hugs, gimme the juice.

Nicole-Real Estate. Nicole debuted with a pig nose on her face to be all tongue and cheek about farm animals but couldn’t hold her ground and got really self-conscious that Chris would actually think she’s an ugly fat pig and so she took it off immeidately and overcompensated by saying I REALLY LOOK LIKE THIS. DON’T WORRY I’M NOT ACTUALLY A PIG, CHRIS!!!! And he said bai when he did not rose her.

Brittany-WWE Wrestler. Brittany showed up in lingerie with a sign that said #soulesmates? Too much. She also didn’t get too much time to chit chat with Chris before girl who shall forever be known as onion pomegranate stole her thunder.

Carly-Cruise Ship Singer. Aaaaaand the most woof entrance award goes to Carly. Wearing a bad 80’s wedding dress or something and carrying a pink karaoke machine, she sang about meeting Chris, as she was meeting Chris. It was bad and awkward and I had to cover my eyes and ears at one point and YET she got a rose.

Tracy-Fourth Grade Teacher. Tracy pulled out the big guns to make Chris remember her…she used her students being cute kids. They wrote notes to Chris about why he should pick her and awww don’t kids say the darndest things that their teacher obviously told them to write so she could get a husband? She also talks about becoming a cat lady in their one on one. She makes it on through.

Bo-Plus Sized Model. Bo talks about how she loves eating and stuff because she’s a plus sized model. Oh…and she was axed.

Amber-Bartender.

Ashley-Nanny. I don’t remember this girl speaking once but she’s basically a Kardashian so she’ll either marry Chris or get a reality show out of it.

Becca-Chiropractic Assistant

Jade-Cosmetics Specialist. Has two kids. WOOF. I guess Chris is into the daddy thing because he kept both mom’s.

Juelia- Estetician. From a REAL Julia, this is an outrageous way to spell our name and I can only hope this bitch doesn’t make it more than 3 episodes because I refuse to type that out.

Kara-Soccer Coach. CUT.

Kimberly- Yoga Instructor. Didn’t hear a peep from her all night (i’m assuming…it’s all a blur now) once she gets axed, she talks about how undeserving this is and then goes back in all teary asking to speak to Chris. CLIFFHANGER…WHAT WILL HAPPEN?

Michelle-Wedding Cake Decorator.

Nikki- Former NFL Cheerleader. Key word=former.

Samantha-Fashion Designer. Nothing really needs to be said about this chick. She’s a fashion designer living in LA, she’s for sure not going to move to Iowa to live on a farm. He’ll probably send her packing after he gets some.

You’ll notice that not all of these women have deets and that’s because I have never had a more difficult time trying to keep track of a bunch of biddies. They all look alike and say stupid shit, the good news is that there were some that were already sent home so we don’t need to know things about them, thank God. There was A LOT of drama halfway through the THREE HOURS that this show took from my life when the ladies and Chris thought that there might only be 15 contestants and every single one of them WOULDN’T stop asking about it. Then Chris Harrison announces that the BIG surprise is there are MORE limos! WHAT A SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS! WE TOTALLY DIDN’T READ THE CAST LIST BEFORE THE SHOW STARTED OR ANYTHING. Nice try, Chris Harrison, nice try. Anyway fingers crossed I can keep track better once we start cutting the fat, I’m obviously referring to slob kebab Tara and onion pomegranate who should be the first to go. Will Chris do more macking and free hugging with Britt next week? Will I ever be able to differentiate between the remaining brunettes? Stay tuned to find out!

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Breaking Branches”

Apparently Bravo does not find it necessary to give us a reprieve from the housewives during the holidays. This is late because I had to do 1 million things with my family and not one of them was watch a bunch of grown ass women donate their expensive designer gowns to homeless women to wear to the soup kitchen. Shocking, I know. Anyway, Bravo heard our Christmas wishes and delivered a little meat to this season by FINALLY having a full episode with all the women socializing (and being catty) in one room. We’re getting somewhere here.

The long talked about and much needed housewarming party for Brandi arrived and it was important for us to relish this moment because there is no telling how long Brandi will have this home before she’s couch surfing again. Brandi is on the same page when she said, “I really love this house, hopefully I can keep it.” This MUST be celebrated. Brandi chose to celebrate by wearing a dress that barely covered her nipples and then having to uncomfortably adjust it all night so as not to scare her guests away who she had finally tricked into believing that she is classy. Joke’s on you, goons. While the other ladies have a full wait staff at their “barbeques”, Brandi puts her mom to work full time while she gets her hair and makeup done and tapes her boobs. Maybe she does belong after all.

The party was going swimmingly with several shocked tones of “this house is ACTUALLY nice,” when the air suddenly turned frosty and it felt like time stopped. Up pulled a black limo and out stepped a pair of inconveniently tall gold and black stripper heels attached to the legs of whom else, but the ICE QUEEN. She struts through the house (letting herself in, obviously) and silences the crowd upon her arrival. Lisa has graced the minions with her presence and no one is quicker than Brandi to lap that shit right up. To make matters even more dramatic we are introduced to Leeza Gibbons and there are now two Lisas and a Leeza at one Hollywood party. It’s like they’re trying to force us to use our brains while watching this or something. At least Leeza had the decency to spell her name like a hooker with a heart of gold or else we’d never know whom Brandi is talking about. After Lisa and Brandi spout inspirational quotes at each other much like you would find hanging in your doctor’s office waiting room, they’ve apparently squashed their beef. Obviously in her aside, Lisa reveals to us that she’s doing this just so Brandi will shut the F up and she’s clearly not over it. Lisa continues her domination of this party parade by chatting it up with Brandi’s parents and reminding them that their daughter is an asshole and the parents are usually to blame. She lets that sink in before she uses the party to remind everyone of her charity for dressing homeless teens in designer gowns. Some incredibly awkward toasts are made to Brandi mentioning her divorce and overall poverty and then it’s time for goodbyes. Brandi and Lisa have a cringeworthy goodbye where Brandi basically shouts, “ARE YOU HAPPY YOU CAME? BUT REALLY…ARE YOU?” while Lisa strong-arms Brandi away. Then Brandi latches onto Ken for some air kisses and demands for Ken to look into her soulless eyes. All in all I would say it was a heartfelt reunion. Speaking of heartfelt reunions, lest we forget about Brandi’s most recent reunion, ghost of gaudy jewels past, Adrienne makes another appearance with her under aged boyfriend Jacob and it’s becoming quite clear that they’re phasing her back into the cast and let me be the first to say that I hate it. Spin on those Maloof hooves and see yourself outta here, Adrienne.

After the party, our new characters continue to keep a classy image of themselves on the outskirts of the friend group. Rinna is cool as shit still and we see her co-host Access Hollywood and earn her keep on this show. She just wants to stay young and work forever. Preach. Eileen tries to also show how hard to she works by doing some paddle boarding to stay fit. She lies and says she loves working out, then sneaks in that she also loves donuts. I feel your pain, gurl. She’s still not as cool as Rinna though. While these two are being active members of society, Kyle is at home reminding us all that no one in her family knows how to do laundry, cause maids. Also, this just in: EXTRA, EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT-PORTIA MAKES HER OWN SANDWICH! Kyle and Mauricio applaud this as if Portia has just cured Ebola and then quickly get teary eyed over Alexia going to college and leaving them alone with the little sandwich-making monster.

Okay enough of that bullshit, let’s get right to group hang number two of this episode, the charity tea for homeless girls who want new dresses for all the formal balls that they attend, held at Pump, Lisa’s newest restaurant venture. It seems that Lisa went ahead and had the opening without inviting anyone and both Yo and Kim did NOT forget. Bravo also wants to make sure we don’t forget that Lisa and Brandi are awkward as shit together because they have them interact as much as possible at this tea. This needs to stop immediately because it’s making me suuuuper uncomfy every time they spend 5 minutes staring at each other and speaking in weird high pitch voices about how they’re not fine but they are fine. Brandi rips an olive branch off of the tree at Pump to extend it to Lisa and everyone stares and opens their mouths as wide as their Botox will allow. Lisa tells Brandi with her eyes that branch destruction has just added another strike to her name and Eileen astutely observes that maybe Brandi and Lisa have a complicated history. Then Brandi tries to make up for murdering wildlife and offers to do some sexual downstairs things to Lisa, as one normally does. (I’ve cleaned this up courteously, which Bravo didn’t feel the need to do and I’m scarred forever.) Since it’s a lot of work for women to be approps at all times while having tea in a classy establishment, they have a full discussion of cunninglingus and good ole foreign Yolanda has to ask what it means. What a precious doll. Eileen thinks every one of these women is a dumpster monster for discussing “pussy” over tea and obviously she’s above hanging with such trailer trash.

In efforts not to brand this conversation in the viewers’ memory forever, we end instead on a lunch after the tea with everyone but Lisa. This lunch is clearly scheduled into the production schedule so that they can all talk shit about Lisa and the newbies can get “caught up” as if they’re clueless. Eileen stages an ask about Brandi and Lisa even though she previously said at the tea that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. Again, she is an Emmy award-winning actress. The ladies try to catch everyone up to speed being as least catty as possible because they’ve learned their lesson that Lisa will just see them talking shit on TV and have actual hard evidence. It’s like they’re learning or something and I’m just so proud of these mature adults who grew so much since they were discussing sex acts over high tea just a mere minutes earlier.

Honorable Mention Moment: Remember the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge? Oh you do? Well let’s relive it. Rinna does the challenge on Access Hollywood in some fancy workout gear and then Yo accepts at Lisa’s charity tea because her friend has ALS and she’ll do anything to help the cause. Volunteering herself for an icy water dump probably had nothing to do with the fact that she was wearing a full white outfit. I gotcha producers, WINK.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Medford, 90210”

We’re getting warmer in this season-long game of Hot & Cold: Housewives Pointless Fights Edition. We had friction this week, padded of course by far too many minutes of fluff story but I think we might finally be getting somewhere here. The focus (fluff story) of this episode was Rinna’s pilgrimage back to her po-dunk roots in middle America to say farewell to her childhood home. Rinna kicks it with her teen daughters on the trampoline to break the news that their weekend trip includes a visit to their grandparents. Rinna is wearing ripped jeans and is all the cool mom talking about sharing her jeans with her girls and they obviously do not take the travel news well. Once they’ve landed in Medford, Rinna drives them through town and points out the local landmarks, including the McDonalds she went to every Sunday after church and her daughters politely but not even a little bit politely judge her for being such a trashmonster growing up. Ah, teenage girls <3. And that wraps up everything that I’m going to write about Rinna in this recap because I like to keep things light and snappy and her visiting her dying dad who declared that he doesn’t feel like he belongs anywhere is depressing as shit and created quite a sobfest sitch while I was watching.

QUICK—we need a laugh! Imagine Lisa calling her two “gay swans” Hanky and Panky “sexy boys” and playing grab ass with one of them telling him he’ll be in her bed soon enough. Nope, you read that right; Lisa Vanderpump was getting REAL rapey with some swans. Girl’s trying to shed her ice queen image, and it’s not going the way she thought it would. She goes after her dogs next getting all up in their biz and I’m wondering if Lisa should be surrounded by so many animals at this point in her life. While this circus is occurring, Ken tries to stir up some girl drama by asking if any of Lisa’s friends have congratulated her on her star that we unfortunately had to see her receive last week. For the smallest of seconds, I’m grateful for Ken for trying to liven up this show for us.

Since we’ve only seen boring peeks into Eileen’s life, it was time for her to be introduced to the group so that at least one person can hate her and then create a new rivalry for us all to choose teams for. Rinna eases her into the group with a nice breezy Malibu lunch with Yolanda. Yolanda and Eileen have kids the same age and both agreed that their kids should be able to have sex with their sig. others under their roof, Rinna chimes in that maybe it’s time to put her girls on the pill and I wish I wasn’t listening to three women talk about their kids’ sex lives on TV. Yo’s down with Eileen’s spirit and energy and they bond over how they both used to clean toilets and like to live simple lives (no house staff…you know except for the several maids we’ve seen Yolanda talking to before.)

Speaking of simple living, let’s roll on over to Kyle’s place and see what her and her “ladysitter” Justin are up to. WHAT IS A LADYSITTER? Someone please advise. Anyway, Kyle wants to plan another party because people stopped talking about her White Party and that just won’t do. She’s throwing a barbeque without the hotdogs. I think I speak for everyone when I say that this sounds terrible. BBQ=Wieners. Ladysitter oversteps his payroll and asks if EVERYTHING has to be so luxe in BH (“Do you people ever do anything normal?”) and it’s safe to say that Justin is now on unemployment and trying to use food stamps at Starbucks. Kyle forges on with her party though, determined to not let anyone get in her way. The day has arrived and Kyle is wearing a modest floor length animal print gown that just SCREAMS backyard hootenanny. “I’m still jet-lagged from Spain.”- Kyle declares to anyone and everyone in earshot and it becomes very clear that when Portia is 16, Kyle will still most certainly be jet-lagged from Spain and talking about it. Speaking of Portia she’s still really digging on the top bun look…

New fast friends based on their home proximity, Yolanda and Eileen (and her tennis pro, former teen idol husband) carpool to the BBQ to end all BBQ’s. Yo & Eileen slobber all over each other on the ride over and let’s all take a moment to bow down to Yo who is wearing jorts and knee high gladiator sandals. Yes please. Yo continues to be my fave when she sparks up a little friction by immediately cornering Lisa about her star winning in Palm Springs and why the hell she wasn’t invited to it. All Yo wants to do is be a good friend and congratulate Lisa but Lisa throws some major shade and does her best “I’m gonna walk away from the convo and say a bunch of random things until she drops it.” She didn’t drop it, that Dutch enforcer and Lisa was forced to throw down her classic “Let’s not talk about that,” as she excused herself to booty call her swan probably.

The swan must’ve been busy because Lisa is then approached by Brandi about her housewarming party and how Lisa has yet to RSVP, which is just rude party etiquette, gawd, Lisa. It’s going to take a lot more than a bitchy phone call from a friend’s phone for Lisa to forgive Brandi and “warm her house.” Brandi handles this like an adult with a capital A and gets sloppy drunk and tries to touch all up on Ken later forcing him to like her again. He moves faster than I’ve ever seen his old hips move when she finally lets him out of her clutches and Brandi cackles into her mostly empty glass of wine. Deciding that there’s no such thing as being too drunk OR too aggressive, Brandi tells Lisa one more time that she should come to the housewarming and Lisa responds by quickstepping out the door so Brandi spouts that she’s done kissing ass and her life DOES NOT revolve around Lisa Vanderpump, which I would believe had she not just spent the entire party trying to trick the Vanderpumps into coming to her “I finally locked down a house for another month or two” celebration. The good news is that there is a near showdown between Brandi and Eileen, who just met but give us all hope for a new Beverly Hills Beef when they bet $100 on a Days of Our Lives character. Also Eileen calls Brandi a Superfan in the most disgusted tone she could muster and isn’t really into learning about Brandi’s vagina surgery within minutes of meeting her. Fingers crossed this takes priority over the dying Lisa/Brandi beef. That’s literally all I’m asking Santa for if we’re being honest.

Did I miss anything from the invite-only but not really because Eileen & her hubs showed up BBQ? Ah yes, the walk down memory lane of childhood acting. How could I ever omit Kim’s theatrical storytelling about the time that she lied and said she was a tennis player to get a role in Magnum P.I.? Kim really captivated the crowd with this reenactment that went on for way too long and finally her stupid story paid off when we were shown a clip from the episode itself for literally ONE SECOND, which leads me to believe that Eileen’s husband’s brother did NOT make Kim look like a tennis pro on TV after all. Fortunately for us, this opened the door for both Eileen and Kyle to share their own drawn out stories of how they lied to get an acting gig. Kyle pretended to wear glasses for a role and Eileen had an entire motorcycle fall on her frail body. Who wins? I’ll let you decide. Until next week when we get to hear grown ass women talk about cunninglingus, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good set of earmuffs for that pending train wreck.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “First to Have a Second Chance”

This is the last new episode until February 4^th so let’s cherish these last moments together. Remember how we’ve been watching the same story lines for 9 weeks now and nothing has really been happening? Well this episode is exactly like the others, EXCEPT for the last 10 minutes, because it’s the “fall finale” you see, and the writers are specifically paid to cram as many cliffhangers into the last moments as humanly possible, cause ratings. So we all have that to look forward to….at the end of this blog. HAHA I CAN DO IT TOO. Keeping you guys on the edge of your seat, nailed it. Let’s talk boring shit first.

Remember how Layla slept with Jeff Fordham and we were all like oh, honey? Well she falls right into that trap that we all saw from miles away and this week she starts flirty texting him like they’re both in 8^th grade. “Excited for your party tonight!” “Are you bringing a date?” She types with a shit eating grin on her face and we all cover our eyes knowing what’s about to happen. I didn’t know that Jeff Fordham was going to become my favorite person this week. I think it’s finally gotten to the point where he’s so greasy and evil that it’s actually hilarious now. Jeff tells Will that there’s rumors about him being gay, you know, cause he’s gay, and Will’s like hey let’s just keep ignoring those, no biggie. Jeff’s not into that though, so he gives one of my favorite lines of the night when he tells Will to “butch it up.” YES. Will takes this to mean that he should force his wife Layla to come on tour with him, but she’s already planning her wedding to Jeff so she politely says nah I’m dating a straight now while she’s texting him heart emojis. Will sees the two of them mingling at Jeff’s Christmas party and puts two and two together because they are NOT discreet with their “I’m going to put a santa hat on you and we’ll giggle” style of flirting. Will addresses Jeff about banging his wife and smooth moves Jeff delivers my second favorite line of the night, “Clearly she’s not getting it at home so it’s better that she get it from me than some stranger.” Jeff laying pipe because SOMEBODY’S gotta do it. But then of course Layla gets sloppy drunk and throws herself at the Jeffster and he’s like no thank you, please stop and girl goes OFF. Jeff pays her in pills to calm the F down because giving pills to a depressed wasted white girl always ends in butterflies and rainbows. Oh, also Will sleeps with a random chick at the party to prove he’s not gay. (Have I typed that same sentence before? Anyway…)

Speaking of random chicks, remember Kiley the actual mom of Micah the most annoying kid in the world who acts way too much like a toddler to be like 8 years old? Yeah his grandparents come into town because it turns out they’re his legal guardians since their daughter up and peaced out. Gunnar, the gleaming dad is PEZZED because he’s all about Micah now and he’s taking the grandparents to court for custody. Gunnar lawyers up and they focus WAY too much on how he has to take a paternity test to prove he’s the father and since we’re not idiots we all know this means Gunnar isn’t the real father. Gunnar entertains the grandparents at the house and they all have a nice family dinner where Micah tells them how he got to go to the CMA’s but doesn’t tell them how he got lost going to the goddamn bathroom. The grandparents declare their hate for Gunnar because he used to be a jailbird. Micah’s obviously listening at the top of the stairs and wah-wahing.

You know who else is calling the wahmbulance this episode? Deacon because it’s Rayna’s wedding weekend and he’s on high alert to hit the sauce again. Scarlett decides to babysit him in Memphis and they hit the town booze free. They start out by watching some ducks swim around a fountain, then they find a karaoke bar where they get onstage SOBER because they’re professional singers and become the people everyone hates at a karaoke bar. If you can actually sing you don’t belong at karaoke, stop making everyone else look bad. Then Deacon tells Scarlett he doesn’t feel well and goes home, sees a magazine cover of Ruke/Layna, gets the scaries, throws shit around and then apparently passes out on the floor to be found by Scarlett later, unconscious.

Whoa things got dark there for a second, let’s bring it back up with Juliette and Avery folding baby clothes and having a way too casual conversation about how they’re going to handle having a baby and not being together. Juliette just happens to toss it out there that she does have a guest room and oh wait, would you look at that, here’s your spare key to the house that just happened to be lying around. I think we all know how these two are at this point..Avery’s all for it, then he has a little freak out about it and then everything’s ok again because they’re having a baby and they love each other and Jeff Fordham who?! Meanwhile, Sadie Stone is in the recording studio and who shows up? Her ex-husband Pete who’s demanding dollaz for her songs about him. They have an intense moment when Sadie tells Pete to GTFO and then Avery shows up and they start recording and having a heart to heart about their exes. There was an uncomfortably long moment when they were both committed to head bopping and gazing into each other’s eyes serenading and I wondered how any human could possibly stare that long without feeling weird. And then Sadie talks about how her ex-husband is an asshole but she doesn’t regret marrying him and tells Avery that it’s impossible to be friends with an ex. Hi, I’m a red flag, nice to meet ya.

Another red flag that I choose to ignore but is still occurring on a weekly basis is Bach. Teddy being creepy and gross with his call girl(friend). They’re back at it again this week, banging in front of the Christmas tree, ah the holidays, wonder why that was omitted from the Rayna James Christmas Special. Was this penetration sesh a Christmas gift for Teddy or will he be charged for this one? I’m guessing it was added to his tab because later on, after Teddy is browsing pictures of his daughters post-whoring it out, he comes to his senses and tells his hooker girlfriend NO MORE. Teddy’s done writing checks for sex because pics of his kids remind him he has a heart of gold, or something?

And onto the main event that everyone (no one) has been waiting for, Rayna’s wedding to Luke that all of us knew was never going to happen and yet the show still constantly teased us WHAT WILL RAYNA DO like their viewers are a bunch of morons. Rayna models her wedding dress that I hated real hard, which is a good thing we only saw her wear it in front of the mirror and guess what ya’ll, Tandy’s back in town!! Remember her? Yeah, me neither. She’s here to tell Rayna that pre-wedding jitters are aok and also to insult her last wedding dress that was also hideous. Since Rayna can’t do anything without having it sponsored or filmed anymore, America would like her to extend the Honeymoon Tour with Luke for another 6 months and Rayna’s done being famous now that she whored herself out to the media and instantly regretted it so she tells Luke she’s not into extending the tour. Luke acts like the dream fiance when he assures Rayna that it’s her decision and he’ll do whatever makes her happy. REEEALLLLYY laying it on thick to sympathize with Luke when Rayna stomps on his heart later, one last ditch effort to get the Team Deaconites to switch sides. Ain’t happenin. A little conflict occurs when Rayna tells the girls that she’s going to stay home with them and not keep touring and leaving them to run the house for months at a time. Maddie declares that Rayna can feel free to keep abandoning them because they’re going to boarding school like Luke’s kids do, and Luke approved it. Hm, Rayna should you throw your teenage horny daughter into a college setting with her step brother that she can’t stop making out with? Although that could make for quality TV, Rayna gives a hard no. Then she has the same exact fight with Luke that she’s been having all season about living less like famous, rich divas and they passive aggressively duke it out ending every sentence with babe of course. PLEASE LET THERE BE AN END TO THE CONSTANT “BABE-ING” SOON. It’s like the writers read my mind because after the babe-off, Rayna kicks her wedding doubts into high gear. She tears up at her rehearsal dinner when Maddie and Daphne perform a song they wrote for her and there’s paparazzi all up in their grillpieces, then there’s a lengthy dramatic scene with sad music as Rayna stares at her wedding dress, then her engagement ring from Deacon, then the Rolling Stone, milking this shit for all it’s worth. And FINALLY, the morning of the wedding, with her hair for the first time ever looking anything but fabulous, Rayna breaks it off with Luke among their thousands of funded by People Magazine white chairs and gives him the ole it’s not you it’s me speech. That was cold, Ray. Luke throws some chairs like a tough guy, maybe trying to be more like Deacon to change her mind? Doesn’t matter because Rayna has already committed, taking off that heavy ass ring and having a quick sob sesh in the car.

Rayna breaking off the wedding is the catalyst for all OH SHIT moments that we so greatly deserve. They’re fired at us like bullets from the gun that killed Teddy’s fake pregnant mistress one by one. First up, Avery proposes to Juliette in the most unromantic way possible making her believe he’s not moving in and then saying let’s get married and crushing her with a fierce kiss. I suddenly hate the two of them because Juliette is so desperate to have him back that she’s like Ok cool and they get married and she wears fabric flowers in her hair. They probably got sick of me taunting them to just get back together already and stop being such teases. Second, Sadie’s ex-husband that I was bored with for being a played out story line proves me wrong with one swift punch to her face after he shows up at her door. PETE KO’S SADIE. Now THAT’S the story line we all deserved. (For the record this is not me condoning abuse…unless it’s in fictional TV with a boring character…then it gets real interesting, real quick) Third, Layla is “do something very regrettable” drunk and hits those pills Jeff gave her like nobody’s biz. She’s found face down in the same pool that Teddy and the hooker skinny-dipped in. Instead of calling the cops, Jeff calls his fellow slimeball bro Teddy to make it better quick. Fourth, Deacon wakes up in the hospital and as it turns out he wasn’t drinking, his liver just took a 30 second TO and also he might have cancer. (Timing is everything.) Just as Scarlett is getting weepy about that, fourth, Gunnar shows up super weepy himself and chokes out that he’s not Micah’s father, but his dead brother Jason IS. BOOM. ZING. ELECTRIC. This is some soap opera shit, guys. They sob it up about that and Rayna drives off into the sunset with a creepy half smile on her face. Where is she going? NOBODY KNOWS. Just kitten. Everybody knows she’s gonna go hit up Deacon for sloppy fifths but now he might be terminally ill, so that complicates things. Hold on to your hats, folks, we have to wait until February to see how this all plays out. Predictions are welcome below!

Random Highlights:

-When Maddie is making her sales pitch for boarding school she says “Even Dad’s been like SUPER busy lately.” Hmm, I wonder ~~who~~ what he could possibly be so busy doing, Mads.

-Sadie gifts Rayna with a coin for her wedding? Was that a real thing that happened or did I imagine that?

-There’s definite eye sex between Maddie and Colt at the rehearsal dinner during their little song. Get it gurl.

-I spent far too many minutes this episode trying to figure out what the F was up with Tandy’s hair. I sort of recall a story line when she was still clinging onto the show for dear life about her chopping her hair off but it appeared as though the makeup/hair dept. really half assed it and just pulled her hair back for this episode and told the cameramen to avoid any angle that might reveal it. They didn’t do a great job. Either way her hair looked super uggz and I’m hoping that she gets shipped back to San Fran or wherever she scampered off to real soon. No need for another dead-end character hogging up my recaps.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Two Sides to Every Story”

I hope that everyone had a nice break from Nashville and had some time to reflect on why we still watch this show. Yet here we are coming back for more in hopes of a new song to cancel out a full scene of Juliette riding a handicapped scooter with a scarf covering her face. I’m pleased to announce that this week we got one. We finally got a quality song! But more on that later…Let’s begin with our side piece this week that may soon grow into a character with an interesting story line…Sadie Stone. The writers realized that throwing in a dumb text from an ex was not the story we deserved from Sadie and decided instead to enter her into the bang triangle of Avery and Gunnar, like many (every single) a Nashville beauty before. It’s perfect timing really, Zoey has just exited, Gunnar is looking for some rebound lovin (and a mom for his kid…who unfortunately is still around). Avery is still doing the do-si-do with deciding if he’s gong to re-up with Juliette and let’s be real, she’s only getting bigger and crazier by the minute. Sadie sits down to co-write with Gunnar and he tries to lay it on thick for her, we all know Gunnar does his best flirting while song writing, but instead of ending in a hookup it ends in Sadie offering for her manager to show up to one of Gunnar’s band’s (that is currently dunzo) gigs so long as Gunnar can find a producer for Sadie’s record. And just like that, Avery is entered into the mix, meeting with Sadie at the band’s gig and trying to charm is way into her pants—sorry—recording studio.

Since all of the young’ns on Nashville are tied because they’ve all porked each other at some point, crazypants Juliette gets involved because she overheard all this going down and was like hey this is around the time when I can blame everything I do on pregnancy hormones. She grabs that wet blanket of an assistant/friend and starts tailing Avery to see if he’s moving on. Of course, we all remember too vividly that this is when the aforementioned motorized scooter slapstick comedy of Juliette wearing a scarf on her head and taking down a tent at the music festival occurs. Avery catches her spying because WHO WOULDN’T SPOT HER?! It’s like looking for the Loch-ness Monster on land. They have a little conflict where Avery pulls the “I’m trying to provide for our child and you blew it!” card, shaming Juliette into sitting down with Sadie and selling Avery for the producer job. Juliette promises not to be a jelly belly (can we get that in writing?), Sadie agrees, and we take another step forward with Juliette and Avery getting back together. Except now we have Sadie who will be working with Avery closely on her album…hmmm….

At the same music festival where gangster Juliette was joy riding at speeds of 1 mph, Layla and Will decide to attend wearing “disguises”. Layla declares at the beginning of the episode, “I’m tired of us.” Me too, Layla, me too…you walked right into that one really. Apparently her and I have different solutions for how to not be tired of them–I would assume that means they leave the show, they decided instead to wear hipster beanies and sunglasses to the music festival deeming them TOTALLY anonymous. This will go great until Will inevitably looks for a penetration buddy…and it took just about no time for that to occur. Will sees that a bartender is gay and turns into an after school special asking him what it’s like to be gay. Obviously a confused and closeted Will sees this as flirting and then gets sloppy drunk and tries to kiss the bartender later, ending in some dramatics and oh wait he’s still in the closet and we’ve seen the same story line with him for 2 seasons now. Our other half of the reality couple has decided to play kumbaya on the floor of a tent without the sunglasses, but no one recognizes her so it’s, okay…except of course for Jeff Fordham who is surprised that she’s good! It’s okay Jeff, pretty much everyone is. Jeff starts being nice to Layla and I think I speak for everyone when I say there’s absolutely a catch here, we just don’t know what it is yet. The fact that we don’t know is reason enough to celebrate because we’ve finally gotten an unpredictable story line, predictable in the sense that we know Jeff will screw Layla over, unpredictable in that we don’t know how. He continues to slobber all over her with that slimy snake grin of his, even playing the guitar for her, no singing though. Tease. Obviously Layla falls for this hook, line and sinker, mostly because she’s having a conversation with someone who hasn’t brought up how dumb she is once, so she sleeps with him of course.

While Layla is convinced that the grimiest guy in the music biz has changed, Zoey is still trying to claw her way to a record deal or any sort of recognition for anything that she does….she’d settle for just a purpose for being on this show. Gunnar puts the band back together to impress Sadie’s manager, who tells them they could be the next Lady A and Zoey hears this and you can actually see her start to drool. While she’s planning the fame, money and touring in her mind, she realizes that Gunnar isn’t as into it and he confesses he put the band back together so that he can trick her into being stepmommy Zoey again. Yikes. Zoey storms off and declares to Scarlett that she’s no longer wanted here (HOW DID IT TAKE THIS LONG FOR HER TO REALIZE?!)

Scarlett is pretty preoccupied because she has become homeless Terry’s manager, essentially, although she acts like more of a stage mom. She books a performance for him and then forces him into interviews and when he gets onstage we all wait for his breakdown, and boy does he deliver. Although it’s no Scarlett 2.0 cowering under a piano and screeching, it’s still weird. Terry runs through the crowd covering his face and hits the streets again, brown baggin it with his fellow homeless squad. Scarlett goes after him and he basically tells her everything we’ve all been thinking. Stop being a pussy bitch and get back on the stage to perform again. Fired up from Terry’s boozey words, and also realizing that Zoey peaced on the band, Scarlett slinks her way right in and Gunnar, Scarlett and Avery perform the song of the night! Besides the cheesetastic pans to Micah in the crowd singing along to his dad’s songs, this performance is the stuff. They ARE the next Lady A singing a song called “Borrow My Heart”, the crowd’s into it, and I couldn’t wait to see Zoey’s reaction. You’ve officially been erased from Nashville, gurl, baiiiiiii. The manager calls Gunnar after this sasstastic performance and twists the knife deeper saying that the band is even better with Scarlett. Oooh Burn. Zing. Zoey. Gunnar turns down the manager’s offer for that stupid kid who will now ruin the rest of his music career forever. Whatever, I got a taste of a good song and now all we can hope for is a Scarlett/Gunnar song in the near future now that Zoey is outta here. Good riddance.

And finally, separate from the music festival that everyone who’s anyone is at (we separate the olds from the youngs this week), it’s Christmas special time at Rayna’s (while Deacon sits in his house listening to Alanis Morisette with the lights out.) Hollywood has taken over Rayna’s house with their over the top Christmas decorations because girl will literally do anything for press now. The Rolling Stone mag comes out and Rayna puts on a show pretending that she didn’t say things the way they printed it, hey Rayna cut the shit, we all saw you sell your sexy Deacon story to cover up the mess of incest that is occurring with your sullen teenage daughter. She tries to catch Deacon before he gets his eyes on that tell-all but whoops too late, Deacon’s already read it 10 times and stained the pages with his tears and he’s avoiding her calls. Luke’s like hey Rayna why are you so obsessed with Deacon and this story and also would you like to shower with me? Rayna says a hard no. And we’re all like, hey Luke, it’s about time you clue in that you’re wedding will not ever actually happen and Rayna would rather have sex with Deacon. Rayna finally gets a chance to go to Deacon’s house and talk to him, giving us all false hope that she’ll slide right back into his arms but instead he declares his undying love for her and she tells him to move on because she CLEARLY has. Oh, have you, Rayna? Meanwhile, she complains the whole episode about how the cameras are always around and her family traditions are ruined and Luke reminds her that she did all this greedy shit to get more famous….Catch 22. #celebrityproblems. That pretty much sums up our time with Rayna/Deacon/Luke this week. Oh yeah, and Deacon tears a sticker of Rayna off his guitar case. It’s like ripping a band aid off–he’s over her now. Just kidding, he’s still obsessed with her and wanted to be dramats.

Random Highlights:

-Lexi, the PA, asking Rayna for an autograph and also assuring that she never works in Hollywood again. Props to Rayna for doing exactly what any celeb would do in that situation though, “what’s your name again?”

-Rayna wears a stupid lacey pirate shirt for far longer than my eyes can handle in this episode.

-Scarlett is probably the ugliest cryer on this earth. Her crying is uglier than Kim Kardashian and that says everything.

-Ruke/Layna compare themselves to Johnny and June and then do a hideously awkward and cringeworthy rendition of Baby It’s Cold Outside with a slew of pre-song banter that gave me all the uncomfies. I’ve never wanted to unsee or unhear something any harder. But Happy Holidays, Ya’ll!

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Pay Attention to Me!”

I missed the first 20 mins of last night’s episode, but I can ALMOST guarantee that I missed everyone (the couples) going to a dinner together and chatting about how they found their hubbies, Kyle reveals she was engaged to an old geezer when she met Mauricio, Rinna saying she snatched Harry post-Nicolette Sheridan dumping, Lisa probably saying something catty. Portia trying on bikinis and demanding designer duds that Mauricio didn’t skip a beat to purchase for her, and Yolanda and her daughter Bella talking about nail polish. Was I close? Please feel free to let me know in the comments below if I left anything out.

We get to see some sisterly interaction in last night’s episode, which does nothing to warm my heart but is entertaining to say the least. Kim’s daughter Brooke is getting married and all the sisters Richards gather for wedding dress shopping. Kyle suggests that Kim try on a few dresses as a gag before being told that it’s Brooke’s day…oh yeah, Kyle agrees and slinks away to steal the attention from someone else. Suddenly everyone is silenced at the arrival of Kathy Hilton, who struts in oozing fame and fortune. Kyle and Kim cower in the corner as Kathy immediately barks out that the dress Brooke has on is hideous and to take it off immediately. I’m so gleefully thankful that every season they max out the budget for one episode to pay Kathy Hilton to make an appearance. It’s worth it every time. I’m floored that they don’t make any mention of Paris or Nicky for extra thirsty ratings like they usually do. Things take a heavier turn when Kim talks about her first husband, Brooke’s dad, who has several types of cancer currently and is living with Kim. Her sisters act like this is the first time they’ve heard of this, so we’re all convinced that they’re super close. Lots of tears from Kim and then Kyle says something condescending about how she always thinks of Kim as fragile but is shocked to see she’s actually strong sometimes. The backhanded compliments for Kim are never-ending and always appreciated. And that concludes our sisters Richards reunion for this season. It was everything I had hoped and dreamed.

We get to watch Yolanda dye her hair a gleaming shade of white, and talk about her impending vacation/trip home to Holland to take care of her mother who has uterine cancer. Real heavy episode, lots of tears and I’m not into it. Although if we’re being honest when Yolanda goes on and on about how important family is and then goes back and forth between talking about being on yachts in bikinis and going to take care of her ailing mother, I’m a little fuzzy on the deets of why she is actually traveling there. Then she kicks it with her maid Blanca because apparently we’ve now signed up to watch Real Maids of Beverly Hills after a third week in a row of a maid story line…I’m guessing they’ve become an integral part of this show just to prove that the housewives give them ample vacation days and treat them well? In our bonus scene this week Yolanda shares with us candidly that she ALSO always flies private. How about this, let’s go ahead and assume that everyone in this cast flies private except for Brandi, k, Bravo? That way we can avoid any further scenes about the details of their private jets. Yo sleeping on a California king, smothered in silk sheets on an airplane was pretty hilarious though.

FINALLY Eileen has arrived. Was it worth the three-episode wait? Nope. Rinna and Eileen gather for lunch and apparently have known each other since the 80’s because soap operas. They show a cheesy Days of Our Lives clip from forever ago where feathered hair was okay and they both had their original faces. Rinna compliments Eileen on getting an Emmy and Eileen humble brags about how she can’t keep track of where her Emmy actually is right now. Eileen does some contrived performance in her talking head segment about how actresses get a bad rep for wanting all the attention but she doesn’t? Or something…The amount of times that each utter some cliché that they haven’t seen each other in forever means that they were brought together just for this show. Do better at hiding the staging, producers. Geeze.

Brandi is wearing a winter hat in California in the summer and picks up Kyle to go hiking. We are treated to some flashbacks to drunk Brandi days-YAASSSSS. This week’s installment of “I’m a whale who will never be able to wear a bikini” is brought to you by Kyle and Brandi exercising and seeing who can out-fat each other. They talk about Lisa, and Kyle makes a lot of faces. Brandi decides to call her on speakerphone mean girls style and this will OBVIOUSLY go well. Lisa pretends she doesn’t have caller ID on her probably brand new iphone and acts the most surprised to hear that it’s Brandi. Brandi plays it casj cool and is all, “hey you coming to my house warming party before I inevitably move again?” Lisa demands an apology, obviously…and I reeeally hate to do it but I have to actually side with her on this one because Brandi isn’t really approaching this in a fab or mature way. Brandi continues to have a who gives a fahk attitude and tells Lisa “If you want to be friends, fine, but I’m not going to kiss your ass.” Divine intervention causes Brandi’s phone to die at this exact moment. Or did Lisa MAKE her phone die? We’ll never know…but Brandi makes an even dumber decision to snatch up Kyle’s phone and call her back to clear the air. This obviously opens up a whole other conflict and Lisa’s like hey screw you guys I’m having a lovely afternoon with my husband while he’s still able to walk and talk and I’m over this shit. Brandi clears it up that she didn’t actually hang up though…soo we good? No we’re not. The conversation ends with an “I hope to see you?” “Okay?” and it’s the most confusing resolution to a convo BUT leaves the window open to further continue to drag this stupid fight on for the rest of the season.

Random Highlights:

-All the cringes in the world every time we see Lisa as a talking head wearing an off the shoulder, emerald green, shiny ball gown that is basically showing her nipples. That’s SOMEBODY’S MOTHER.

-The ice queen’s ringtone is classical music. I can’t decide if this is fitting or a curveball.

-Rinna with the quote of the night, “I get high off of everything”. PLEASE make an episode where Rinna, Brandi and Kim eat pot brownies, Andy.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Who Stalked JR?”

The theme of this week’s episode is we’re all rich but we’re suuuupess humble…you know, minus the humble part. We have another week with a no-show from supposedly new character Eileen…probably for the best but this also means we have to endure another week of Adrienne returning for a cut of the pay and the fame. But we’ll get to that nonsense later.

We start on Brandi’s moving day…she’s no longer homeless, guys. She has a house with a roof and apparently enough dough to hire movers that absolutely strip at night, Magic Mike style. Kim comes over to “help”, aka pull up a chair with Brandi and her hairstylist as they ogle the movers that are roughly half their age while they carry in Brandi’s stripper paraphernalia and nude portraits. This is an opportune time for Brandi to remind us about JR, who apparently she no longer dates but still phone sexes with. Since she’s not tied down, she’s free to stare at fresh out of college (jk they prob didn’t go to college) movers’ abs and then later bang one. Whoops–spoiler alert.

In an attempt to show the difference between how Brandi lives and how the rest of the housewives live, we move onto the villain who continues to cackle atop her ivory tower of evil, otherwise known as Lisa. She has a meeting with someone who creates her handmade silk shirts with her name encrusted in jewels on them. She just doesn’t have the time to shop, guys. She then introduces us to “the help” because she’s a woman of the people. Lisa tells a heartwarming story about how her immigrant maid was walking uphill to another interview and she poached her, told her to get in the Benz, and saved her from her terrible life of walking places. “One good deed” is hiring a maid apparently. Lisa later goes diamond shopping with Shiva (Muhamed’s girlfriend) and the two of them try on grossly expensive diamonds and make a bunch of innaprops sexual jokes toward the jeweler. Nice try, Lisa, we all know can afford all the diamonds in the world and don’t need to pay in sexual favors.

In case you aren’t yet full of humble pie, let’s have another slice with Kyle as she prepares for her family vacation in Lake Tahoe. Kyle tries to explain in a way that doesn’t make her whole family sound like a bag of assholes, that Mauricio only flies private now because he hates airports and is above the common traveler. She giggles and says, that sounds awful, doesn’t it? Yes, yes it does. To offset this statement she tells her own story of when Mauricio and her were first married and poor, they told their kids to act like babies so that they could sneak them on the airplane without paying for their seats. Giggle, giggle. I think we took a sharp turn in the opposite direction there, Kyle…you overcorrected and told us all how you used to cheat the airlines and everyone still hates you. Cool story though. While boarding their private plane to Tahoe, we see more of Portia being a goddamn toddler diva and I for one will not be able to watch this unfold every week. NIP IT IN THE BUD, KYLE.

Yolanda shows off her bangin bod by surprising David with a fully cooked dinner in lingerie. Is it just me or does “Hi, my love” give you the cringes every time that it’s uttered? David is his usual creepy self and remembers to ask where the kids are after he’s already popped a boner. During dinner he reminisces about the time Yolanda dressed like a hooker in red lingerie and a trench coat and the retelling of the story is so scripted and forced that I was forced to call the uncomfortable police to my apartment, stat. It was an emergency. They eat one bite of dinner, David GRACIOUSLY offers to clear the table and hand off the dishes to their maid so long as Yolanda can be his dessert. ALL THE PUKE. EVERYWHERE. After we see Yo in this getup, it’s a liiiiittle hard to understand how a commercial break later she’s unable to button her pants and declares she’s fat after she makes some outrageous pterodactyl noises trying to get the pants on. Realistically, she probably went from a 00 to a 0. OH THE HORROR. She discusses her fat people problems with the hired help who sympathizes because that’s what she’s paid to do. Yo sticks with her whoutfit (white outfit) that “doesn’t fit” and hits the stables with Kim.

We learn right away at the horse stables that Dutch vs. American riding outfit styles is classy vs. trashy. Kim (in her trashy riding gear) knows all about animals cause she was once a PROFESSIONAL ACTRESS-REMEMBER? Yolanda confesses in her aside, “Kim and I haven’t really gotten along but since I met her and saw what an unhinged person she was I’ve wanted to be her caretaker.” More or less. They ride and bond over horse farts and their kids going to college.

Kim may have seemed normal with Yolanda, but let’s not forget how a mere 10 minutes earlier she and Brandi decided to don wigs and scarves and stalk Brandi’s ex boyfriend who is now banging someone new. Although I admit Brandi looked fab with her glasses, this was a real loony tune of a joint activity for them. It’s probably because Kim “has a family history of stalking”. This explains everything and nothing all at once. Brandi talks more about her 23 year old conquest Jake Ryan (by use of full name multiple times, it’s clear that he’s only a part of this episode because his thirst for fame is so real and he has an agent.) Kim tries to be a supportive friend but is internally dialing up the cops because her son is 23 and she’s having visions of cougar Brandi snatching him up next. They catch JR doing nothing, but at least we got to see two grown woman wearing heels and wigs climb in and out of a bush definitely full of creatures.

The grand finale this week is the meeting of Brandi and Adrienne, or as I like to refer to it, the battle of the visible dark roots. (Adrienne is a victor with her black roots basically down to her knees. Time to touch up the bottle blonde, girlie, now that you’ve clawed your way back onto TV again). Brandi is super nervsies and talks about it to death with her hair stylist and then has the nerve to interrupt Kyle while she’s yachting in Tahoe. Kyle eats that shit right up though because she’s been salivating at the opportunity to insert herself into this drama since she heard they were talking at HER infamous White Party. The lunch occurs and is largely uneventful because the two ladies both act like mature adults for once. This is probably the most peaceful apology lunch to ever occur in housewife history-Brandi strings together a sincere apology, Adrienne accepts and suddenly they’ve moved past the fur vest hurling of f-bombs at a rooftop cocktail hour. They start to dish on Lisa and the episode ends with a happy ending for Adrienne and Brandi but a foreboding feeling that the ice queen will strike again. (Seriously, Bravo, how long are we going to play this out?)

PS In less dramatic news: Rinna continues to be cool and down to earth and not actually belong on this show full of self-indulgent monsters. Rinna knows when to laugh at herself and proves it by showing a Depends campaign she did because apparently she “doesn’t say no to anything”. Hmm, possibly how she got on this show? I think we’re onto something here. Stay tuned for more of one cool girl in a sea of twats and hopefully the much anticipated appearance of Eileen?

The Salty Ju

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Tag Archives: TV Recap

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Nashville- “First to Have a Second Chance”

Nashville- “Two Sides to Every Story”

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Pay Attention to Me!”

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Who Stalked JR?”