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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Backwards in Heels”

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“I feel like if you’ve been married for 20 years in Beverly Hills, it’s like you’ve been married 100 years anywhere else.”

 

What do you get when you mix 1 part snide comments about Lyme Disease, 1 part alter ego that intimidates everyone and 1 part Faye Resnick? The plot for every single episode this season of Housewives. Seriously can these ladies talk about/do anything else? Oh yeah, they can dress up like “Moulin Rouge” to celebrate their long-lasting marriages, and then talk about the three aforementioned topics at said party.

But before all that, it’s raining in BH because Kyle invited Faye to her BBQ and didn’t warn Lisa beforehand. Don’t question Lisa’s superpowers. She hates Faye no matter what and also now controls Kyle’s sugar intake. (It’s probably for the best.) Lisa compares Kyle inviting Faye to if she invited “Witchy-Poo.” Apparently that’s the adorbs nickname for Carlton. In case you don’t remember Carlton, she was a real sexual Wiccan and just about everyone hated her except for Brandi (who everyone also hates.) Kyle and Lisa passively aggressively fight about it but all is forgotten once they need to pick a locale for their joint anniversary party. Who has a joint anniversary party? Will Mauricio even show up or will it be Ken and the ladiez as always?

As the girls plan their party around slutty costumes, Lisa tries to swipe Kyle’s phone and we all learn that Kyle is a dirt friend. I’ve never seen a person scramble faster to rip that phone back. You know when your Bluetooth is hooked up in the car and a friend calls you, you have to announce that they’re on speakerphone so they don’t talk shit about the person you’re with? No? Just me. Well this was worse. We know Kyle doesn’t have nudes on there. Just shit-talking texts.

Rinna visits Erika to S her D and get a thirsty ass tour of her monstrosity of a house. She has A CHAPEL. ERIKA JAYNE…the HOOCHIE WHO SPEWS CLUB MUSIC IN A SHEER CATSUIT…HAS A CHURCH IN HER HOUSE. And a library, I assume for her husband. But really, back to the church, she got it because she likes to collect religious art. See a kewl portrait of Jesus? Why don’t you just erect a steeple in your home so you have somewhere to hang it? After Rinna gawks and talks about how that’s SO Pasadena of her (whatever that means) Erika takes some voice lessons where she just plays with her tongue and stuff.

New gal pal Kathryn cooks for her husband and he barks out requests for ingredients. It’s far too possible we have another David Foster on our hands. Except much younger, and more handsome, and probably cooler. The two of them hit the gym together, which is just so cute it makes me want to ralph all over them and their gossip weightlifting sesh.

Rinna goes over to Yo’s house to drag on this dumb AF storyline about the one time she used Wikipedia to look up Munchausen’s disease. Rather than apologizing for believing a website that anyone can contribute to, she says she feels like the worst person in the world for “engaging” or whatever buzzword we’re using to avoid saying that she talked smack. Yolanda replied with, “I’ve never heard of Munch-hausen-schmausen’s disease.” It’s even funnier than when she didn’t know how to pronounce cunninglingus last season. Yolanda is cute as pie and PS new revelation: Rinna has vagina armpits.

The event of the hour finally arrives and boy is it an eyeful. All the women treat the Moulin Rouge party like Halloween in college and make sure their T’s and A’s are fully on display. Kyle the most, obviously. Definitely not uncomfy at all to see her modeling the cleavage baring corset for her toddler. At the actual party, her high school age daughter shows up wearing a similar get up. Could we maybe leave the kids out of this?

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Newbie’s Kathryn and Erika bond, if by bonding you mean one scolding the other for her potty mouth. Kathryn doesn’t love a good C U Next Tuesday and Erika does. Erika promises not to say it anymore around her after she gets verbally badgered that she’s too pretty for swears. Hey, Kathryn, I’m pretty too and a well-placed F bomb will always be funny. Have fun censoring yourself around Kathryn, everyone. It’ll be like hanging out with your parents.

BTW if I ever saw my parents attend a party like this I’d try to pluck my eyeballs out. Kyle does 15 splits because of course, and her nipples almost fall directly onto the floor. She also takes Mauricio’s D for a ride on the dance floor. Hope Alexia and her teen squad had blindfolds on for that number. Camille sashays around the dance floor like she doesn’t have a care in the world. To be clear she pretty much doesn’t because she still gets a Bravo paycheck but no one hates her for brawling on TV anymore. Drink every time one of the women refers to themselves as hookers. Whoops I’m dead.

As if Faye isn’t enough of a hot button topic (because Lisa didn’t even a little bit want her invited), Kathryn airs her grievances for the morally corrupt author. Kyle flies off the handle…probably because she hadn’t touched her vag to the floor in a minute and is all NOBODY talks shit about my bitch friend at my party full of Moulin Rouge hoes! Kyle and Lisa bicker about Faye and taking Kathryn’s side I think? I couldn’t really focus because the ghost of Taylor Armstrong showed up. No literally, did she mix up Moulin Rouge with Zombie Ghoul? She floats up mid-conversation then just stares at both of them and eavesdrops on their argument. The episode abruptly ends with a flashback to Brandi slapping Lisa. Hmm..

Most importantly, Rinna keeps her hair in a mom choppy bob because she wants her husband to F her. End of discussion.

PS This was a C+ recap because I’m still thinking of The People Vs. OJ Simpson and how Connie Britton delivering 4 lines as Faye Resnick was one thousand times more entertaining than the real Faye Resnick. And this entire season.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Pretty Mess”

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So this episode was super boring. This episode was so boring, in fact, that Rinna having a screaming case of mudbutt and healing with yoga the next morning was something they found worth mentioning. Seriously, more than once we had to hear about Rinna’s fiery buhhole. Why? Because there was nothing else going on.

Well—nothing else except everyone slobbering all over Erika Jayne. I hate to jump aboard the train but I think I actually love Erika now too. Ugh it killed me to type that sentence. I love her for very different reasons than the rest of the housewives. For example, after taking to the Google, Rinna is actually afraid of Erika’s sexual prowess. Lisa calls her a prude and Eileen has the most interesting reaction of them all. She’s definitely a little bit turned on and a whole lot jelly. I guess Eileen has some very powerful fantasies about being in porn or something because she can’t let it go and like she has a schoolgirl crush, finds every opportunity to bring it up. I wouldn’t be surprised to see that Eileen has Erika’s YouTube page bookmarked for private times. “It’s so cool, what Erika does. It’s everybody’s fantasy.”-Eileen exclaims to the girls, who reply with blank stares like Eileen just revealed her and Vince like to have sex in a pile of garbage. Gawd, Eileen tuck your boner up into your waistband.

When the much-anticipated goddess finally arrives, the ladies all accost her the second she walks in the door, like she’s the most popular girl at the slumber party, to smell her hair and ask her what her hashtags mean. Except there might be a little popularity contest between Bethany Frankel and Erika Jayne. Since the housewives are in NY/NJ territory, we’re forced to put up with Bethany. Kyle tells a dumb story about how they met over thousand-dollar eye makeup remover or something and will always sound like a dick no matter how hard she tries. Since they’ve been friends FOREVER we get to watch them exchange old stories and inside jokes that none of us will get. Gr8 TV. Then they stalk Erika’s insta because that’s what girls do when they’re about to meet someone.

Bethany stays super discreet about her bitchy activity. Just kidding, she shakes Erika’s hand and says welcome to my home, I just looked at every picture you’ve ever posted online and my favorite was the one with your fingers up your vagina with knuckle rings on. Way to bury the lead on that one, Bethany. While Bethany asks Erika if she wants a rim job, Eileen silently stews over who loves Erika more. No seriously, I thought she was going to stab Bethany to show Erika she’s the most loyal fan. Especially when Bethany went HAM SAMMICH on Erika’s brand and the production value of her music video. Here’s why I like Erika—she sat there and listened, then calmly stated her case and that was that. The dinner party went on and she looked like the better person, especially because she wasn’t wearing a Flax onesie like Bethany (which of course ripped when she was learning how to dance like a stripper. #Karma.) My love for Erika only grew when she brought up how awks the dinner party was the next day and said, “Is she being a bitch or is she just being -Insert long pause and sinister smile- JEALOUS?!”

But enough about EJ already, the other five minutes of the episode spent not focused on her were about Eileen’s affair and how uncomfy she was when Lisa asked a lot of questions about it. The lesson to be learned here is that Lisa is nosy AF with everyone and Eileen better acclimate or become the next Brandi. And on a final note, Yo recovers from her silicon removal and David is a super insensitive asshole when he ribs on the phone to Lisa in front of his sickly wife, “Ken has better tits now.” Aaand crickets. Followed by divorce.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Hamptons, 90210”

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The ladies first group trip of the season means many things, but most importantly, it means watching them all pack as if they’re limited to space for clothes and shoes when half of them travel on a private plane. Kyle’s up first and she unearths garments from her overstuffed closet that looks like the sale rack at Forever 21 and naturally the rack collapses BECAUSE NOTHING IN KYLE’S LIFE GOES RIGHT. Lil Portia sits 2 feet away blowing on her fresh mani and laughing at her mom. What a little twat monster. Lisa packs one of her 300 pink fedoras while Ken watches. What is it that Ken does? I feel like he’s been following Lisa around this season and it’s time for him to get a hobby other than stroking Giggy and gossiping about Kim Richards. Eileen and Vince bicker when he finds out that one of her dresses/robes/mumus(?) was $500. Considering Vince only scrapes in $600 betting on horses this doesn’t bode well. HOWEVER Vince is wearing a Saratoga Springs tee, REPRESENT. See you this summer Vincey, when you win a couple dollar bets at the track.

Erika doesn’t get to packing right away, because she’s busy making up a bunch of names. She walks around her property with Laia (her executive assistant) who, from what I can tell, gets paid to follow Erika around with a notepad and scribble stuff down. One of her muy importante notes is to call Zona. No seriously, that was a name. Laia and Zona. What a cast of characters. And the biggest character of them all? Mikey—Erika’s resident “Pat the Puss” enthusiast and also professional packer. As a sassy gay friend and choreographer he fulfills his duty of throwing body suits around and shouting that he’s over it. I can’t put my finger on it but I know Mikey from somewhere. Was he in Darryn’s Dance Grooves? I need to get to the bottom of this. Anyway, the messiah that he is suggests a sheer skirt for Erika’s Hamptons trip in case she wants her vag to get some breeze action. Mikey knows what’s up.

Since doing absolutely nothing to pack was exhausting, Erika pops off for lunch with Mr. Girardi so they can talk about how they have two private planes, a small one for ‘Merica and a big one for Europe, because you can’t have just one. And then lookie here, the LAPD Chief strolls in just to say hello and grab some screen time. But actually, he walks up, says hello then walks away. But oh what a segue that provided for Erika to gush about how she knows the Chief of Police. La-di-dah.

If you ever wonder how the other half lives just cruise on over to Philly at the QVC studio for Rinna’s wild times modeling some shearling jackets and chunky sweaters. AND THEY SELL OUT. What, at QVC, sells out? I thought QVC existed solely to give Joel McHale weekly material for The Soup. Anyway, before Rinna could strut her shit and talk about jacket seams, we had to see that she chums with mad clothing designers. For example, a guy named Dennis, who brags about designing all the gowns in Nicky Hilton’s wedding and screams I love you a lot. With a flip of his aviators he’s gone and Isaac Mizrahi appars in his place. The most I know about Isaac is that he used to be in the Target commercials. So I’m not particularly impressed.

And then there’s my precious YoYo, who prepares for her boobalicious surgery in the cutest little blue leather jacket, white pant combo I’ve ever laid eyes on. She poetically describes how fortunate she is to be rich and afford this surgery and losing her monster boobs doesn’t matter at all because health comes first. It was a very poignant speech that was ruined in .2 seconds when David honka-honka’s her soon to be bye-bye rack and talks about how much he’s going to miss it. God, David, YOU PIG.

Then the most hilarious thing on this earth happens when Yolanda’s Dr arrives wearing a loudly patterned top and matching beret/chef hat. She screeches, “Am I a 10, or WHAT?!” JK she didn’t do that but she midas whale have with how ridiculous that outfit was for several hours of surgery. Since we’re on the topic of judging others, can we talk about how jelly I am that Gigi looks that flawless when abruptly woken up with Facetime? I could be camera ready and still look like Queen Woofie on extreme close-up Facetime. Anyway, I take back everything I said last week. I rarely go take backsies but I would rather watch Rinna get her taco waxed than get all up in Yolanda’s implant surgery as it’s happening. If I missed any portion of Yo bleeding out from her chest though, I guess I could just check up on the nurses’ instaG. You know, the professional nurse who had her phone out snapping pics of Yo sliced open on the operating table.

And while Yo loses 20 lbs in leaking boobs, everyone gathers in the Hamptons, but not all at one place. Kyle & Eileen get to the hotel first and can’t sleep—because as much as they want to pretend they’re young and hip, they clearly can’t hang. So no biggie, they just go right ahead and rent a house. AKA Mauricio does all the dirty work and they just trot on over to their new digs for some 11AM shut eye. Obviously Lisa no likey because she is the star this weekend and instead of drooling all over her cover girl life, her friends peaced out. Rinna shows up to the rented house because she can’t stay in a hotel room without scrubbing it down with alcohol wipes like Charlie Sheen recently stayed there. Then they all put on their borderline skankiest white dresses, nips out, and enjoy poolside cocktails with a side of passive aggressive chit chat, to be continued next week of course.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Will Power”

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Look I don’t want to start hating yet another biddy on this show but Rinna’s inching her way onto my list and I’m not loving it. She kicks it off by showing up to Kyle’s obnoxious clothing store to cash out on her birthday gift. The gift she’s referring to, of course, is when Mauricio showed up to her party empty-handed and said she could pick out something from Forever A Former Child Star or whatever Kyle’s fashion venture is. That was Mauricio’s way of saying Hey I didn’t get you anything so rip off my wife’s store because I paid to start this little side project of hers anyway. Rinna was like oh you didn’t have to!!! But then shows up to the store with her palms extended looking for a handout. Rinna’s got a lot of balls pretending she’s not that rich and then a mere 20 minutes later having a personal vag waxer arrive at her mansion. Her waxer is named Eiko (because of course she’s foreign) and proceeds to stick a butter knife up Rinna’s buhhole while talking about how she has a wrinkly ass. I could’ve lived my entire life without ever seeing Rinna spread eagle on her bedroom floor with a butter knife inserted in her downstairs and I’m afraid it’s an image that will never leave my brain. Bottom line: Rinna is not down to earth. She has been paying an immigrant to de-grizzly her RB curtz for 17 years. That’s Beverly Hills.

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You know what else is SOOO Beverly Hills? Tossing your PET SWAN Hanky into the back of your Range Rover like it’s not an angry bird that belongs in the wild and not cuddled in your lap for a quick joy ride. I’ve had it up to here* with Lisa’s animal shit this season. *To be clear, “here” is above my head, and I’m a lot taller than a mini horse. Hanky has a stomach infection probably because it’s fed prime rib or something and rode in style to the vet, who declared he’s fine because he’s biting everyone who touches him. What a friendly pet. Once he’s feeling better it’s apparently okay for Lisa to follow it around and keep choking its neck so that it sits in her lap nicely. It gave me very real and traumatic flashbacks to the kids next door to my parents grabbing their puppy by its head because they’re definitely not old enough to know how to properly care for a pet. Hands home, Lisa.

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After patiently waiting, fans were rewarded with an Erika group meet so the other ladies can look their future enemy in the eye. First she’s eased in when Yolanda introduces her to Kyle at the park. They’re gathering to take a walk but what that really means is walk to the closest bench and sit down to chat. Kyle and Erika HIT IT OFF because they both have long shiny hair and popped out a child before they were old enough to drink. Then Kyle takes some time to exhaust her theory about Yolanda maybe just being depressed. Fingers crossed this is the last time we have to hear this dumb dribble. Yolanda is like yeah okay whatever. Then they suggest TOTALLY OFF THE CUFF that maybe all the girls gather for a drink so they can meet the new co-star who will be paid to hang out with them. Erika reveals that she only hangs out with gay men. Who would have ever guessed that this Barbie lookin chick with a 76-year-old husband and a questionable club music career can’t hang with other girls? Red flag city, population: Erika Jayne. Let’s see how she does with a group of girls that do not encourage her to pat her puss constantly.

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Did anyone know that Eileen won an Emmy for her work in soap operas? Well YOU SHOULD. Lisa and Kyle take her job REALLY seriously when they play hide and seek on the Young and the Restless set and make unfunny jokes about how they’re too rich for vending machines. Then they go for drinks with Erika so Kyle can slobber all over her and Lisa can show how jelly she is of Erika’s life.

Erika’s first mistake is that she wears pink heels to the outing and didn’t she know that pink is LISA’S COLOR? Duh. She bought the actual rights to the color, along with two tiny horses that are probably already dead. Don’t worry about Kyle and Erika getting along though because they’re both like, so much fun, so what more could two women have in common? Million dollar diamond best friend necklaces in the making. Obviously Erika talks all about her alter ego and the girls are like omggg so FUNNNNNNNNN. Eileen shows her age and lack of coolness when she’s like everyone wants to be a disco queen. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Erika’s auto-tuned club jams while she writhes around in a sheer bodysuit isn’t what Eileen had in mind for disco queen. There’s a little chatter about sex with men above the age of 70, which is just about as disturbing as watching Rinna’s grundle get waxed earlier. Apparently no one at Bravo cares about me keeping my dinner down. Eileen the wannabe-disco-queen shuts that talk down right about the same time that Kyle does a fresh hip-implant humping impression. God bless you, Eileen.

Of course it wouldn’t be a weekly installment of the ladies if they didn’t question Yolanda’s entire existence on this earth or something and make her feel like a bag of Lyme disease trash. Yo’s latest procedure is to get her breast implants removed, so she’s still not feeling on the up and up. Kyle has convinced herself she might have Lyme disease because she’s a moron. And then Yolanda says, a friend told me Taylor was talking shit, which is Bravo speak for: a producer showed me a clip of that big mouth trashing my Valencia filters. Eileen gets confused, probably still jarred by the fact that two of the ladies just detailed their geriatric husbands’ sex life, and thinks Yo is referring to Rinna’s little Munchausen’s wiki from last week. YIKERONIS. Rinna may have a hairless downstairs, but she’s about to be in a hairy situation with Yolanda thanks to Eileen’s blabathon. See what I did there? I made something disgusting into a segue. You’re welcome. That’s why I get paid the big bucks.

Anyway, Yolanda is like I don’t have time for all this bullshit and peaces out because seriously she’s above it. Also she’s late for a VERY tearworthy discussion of her will with the kiddies. What a downer way to end the episode. So instead let’s talk about how next week everyone will be in the Hamptons and Erika will be joining in so she’ll probably have her first girl fight because there’s no way this bitch doesn’t ruffle somebody’s feathers. But I bet her and Kyle will have SO MuCh F-U-N!

 

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Horsing Around”

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Just cause we haven’t seen enough of the lavish European vacation; we kick off last night’s episode with Kyle and Lisa shopping in Italy. Kyle LOVES shopping in Europe because she likes telling people they can’t buy the same top as her unless they yacht to the Italian coast. What a twat. From the looks of it, they’re shopping on the Ponte Vecchio. To put things in perspective for us peasants, I studied abroad in Florence and the only time I walked across the Ponte Vecchio (the bridge of gold and expensive jewels) was to get to my favorite pizza place. In fact, I bought all the men in my family memorabilia covered in the statue of David’s dick. Now THAT’S how you shop in Florence.

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We also get a rare peek into Eileen’s lair, formerly known as a 65 year old’s cluttered attic. We see what Eileen is like in the morning after she’s had a cup of coffee and I would never want to have a sleepover with this bitch. Chipper city. Also what was the point of Eileen decluttering her house when she still LOST AN IPAD IN IT. She quite literally hid her iPad from her son and now CAN’T FIND IT in her trunk show that is a home. While trying to yip yap post-caffeine surge to her husband and son, Eileen teaches us all a little something when she says, “I don’t know what it is about men and boys, they can’t hear a female voice.” Eileen isn’t stupid. That’s scientific fact. Men physically are deaf to women. It’s been tested.

And of course, for your latest installment of pointless dinners specifically for nasty-other-cast-member gossip, Rinna, Eileen and Kyle gather. This dinner’s plot twist? Both Eileen and Rinna are wearing leopard. OMGAW flashback to when Brandi and Rinna matched in leopard. Moral of the story, it’s time for Rinna to declare the rule ala Mean Girls that no one else in the group can wear leopard print. It would be downright embarrassing if this happened a third time. Anyway, there’s some fodder about Kim escaping from rehab, which makes me laugh out loud to think of a woman who regularly tweeted “I love turtles”, devising a plan to snake her way out. Kyle feels bad talking shit about Kim so she shifts the topic to Yolanda, so can bring up her theory of depression again to a fresh set of ears. Just call her Dr. Richards. Boom. Yolanda is diagnosed and probably cured.

Speaking of morons doing moron things, Lisa and Rinna take a private jet to Ohio so that they can wear cowboy hats in the Midwest and look like a couple of assholes. En route, Lisa says she has her 4:45 AM face on and guess what? It looks like the face she has painted on at every other hour of the day. #IWokeUpLikeThis. I never ranked Lisa as a dum dum but when she asked if Ohio was expecting a hurricane I was stunned. Then she rolled the window down in the middle of a rainstorm and was surprised when water came pouring into the limo. New discovery: Lisa is real stupid. It also turns out the mini horse is super chunky and has a bum leg…probably from trying to support all that weight. They jet back without the horse that will most likely be sent to the glue factory. T’s and P’s for Rosebud. (That was her name right? Who knows. It was wearing a pink tutu to distract from its dead leg.)

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Side note: Rinna has a kickass leather jacket collection. I want all in on that.

FINALLY we get a new character. Erika Girardi makes her colorful debut as Yolanda’s “friend.” They do something with IV’s (all YoYo does anymore) where Erika tells us, ‘”I’m 44 years old but I look great.” I can already tell she’s going to be fun to recap. THEN we get more back-story. Erika was a cocktail waitress and married her customer, a famous lawyer (ala Erin Brockovich) who happens to be twice her age. She calls him Mr. Girardi and it’s SO creepy. Lotta Anna Nicole Smith comparisons to be drawn with this one. Girl also has an alter ego named “Erika Jane”. Alter ego Erika is someone who belongs in a Vegas strip club but APPARENTLY has topped the billboards several times with dance jams. Bravo is really filling the void left behind by Carlton’s sexual prowess. Erika throws on a see-through onesie and practices her writhing choreography that is very popular in the Red Light District. I’m rubbing my hands together with glee for what’s to come with Erika once she meets all her newly hired gal pals and alcohol is in the mix!

And since we haven’t quite celebrated it enough, Ken’s 70th birthday deserves a lavish English tea decorated for a woman. Lisa’s party trick is leaving a tree of extravagant hats at the entrance and making the ladies try to kiss each other’s cheeks by way of hat brims. They CAN’T EVEN and it’s hilarious. A party is the perfect occasion for the ghosts of housewives past to remind us that they’re still alive. Taylor’s moving back cause Real Housewives of Denver never really took off. Camille also rolls through and we didn’t get to see nearly enough of her.

Instead they focus on Taylor and her big honking mouth as she shouts about how she “likes” Yolanda’s instas out of pity but really is exhausted with her posts. Hey Taylor, it’s called unfollow. Stop trying so hard to be relevant. Kyle draws attention to her hat and lipstick combo no less than 10 times and Lisa gives a dirty toast to Ken referring to his current age. If I was Pandora I would jump off a bridge at my parents joking about 69’ing each other at dad’s birthday dinner.

It starts to rain and god forbid it rain when everyone is wearing hats…Kyle takes the rain as a sign to liven things up and suddenly all the girls are in the pool. It’s nips out for the boys because the ladies are all conveniently free-boobin’ it in white dresses. Lisa complains about this impromptu swim ruining her classy high tea and YET her hot pink thong is out to play. In the end, Ken is pushed in the pool and I literally thought he was dead. I gasped as he lie there lifeless for a second before all the bitches in see through dresses surrounded him and bounced around like a scene straight out of the Playboy mansion. Except everyone’s super old, not just Hef (or in this case, Ken…who as it turns out, survived his near drowning.)

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Ciao, Tuscany!”

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Do you feel like enough time has passed since last season’s reunion where Kyle and Kim went at each other’s throats? I don’t. I don’t think enough time will ever pass to make that any less uncomfy. We’ll have to get over it because there may only be one Richards sister on this season (so far) but the dirrty family laundry continues to be aired. This week’s installment is the impending nuptials of Nicky Hilton. You know, Paris’s sister. She’s getting married at a palace in London, cause she’s a Hilton. And Kyle has been uninvited to the wedding. Why? BECAUSE KATHY SAYS SO. And what Kathy says, goes. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Kathy is not thrilled about how her sisters have been muddying the family name on reality TV as she watches in her Ivory Hilton tower, but that’s neither here nor there. To reiterate: I’m on Team Kathy. Cause if you’re not on Kathy’s side you’re disinvited from the wedding event of the season. Kyle finds a way to weasel her way back onto Kathy’s good side and get invited to the wedding again. Except the rest of her family can’t come. BOLD. Apparently Portia’s in the wedding and Kyle can go but everyone else can kick rocks. When Lisa tries to point out how bananas this is, Kyle’s like it’s nobody’s biz, shut the hell up. Except she’s made it our biz..so0oo0o…that comment has about as much validity as saying that I was almost a Victoria’s Secret Angel.

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Speaking of Angels, momma of the newest to be winged (and my ferocious girl crush) Yolanda, is still struggle city this episode and it breaks my little heart. Yo goes in for a procedure to take all the metal out of her mouth because it might be adding to her illness but she’s not really sure. The surgery looks like the WORST and she feels like she’s choking and can’t breathe but don’t you fret because David to the rescue! Foster rolls in mid-procedure to grab her hand and kiss her numb, gaping mouth. At the end, he seals the deal of best hubs ever by making a groan worthy joke to the doc about if they can have sex right away. Ugh. David. If I were Yo I probably would’ve already had the papers drawn at that point. I’m actually surprised he didn’t wheel a piano into the operating room and request that the nurses sing backup like one of their dreadful dinner parties.

Husband of the year should probably go to Harry after the amount that Rinna tosses her mom haircut around to attract attention to her new diamond earrings. “Guess who got these for me?” she goads to her daughters and when they stare at her cluelessly she exclaims, “HARRY HAMLIN!” I feel like “dad” could’ve sufficed in this scenario rather than using government names with the children they made together. I’m going to assume Rinna doesn’t get a lot of lavish gifts with the way she’s put up a billboard about these earrings. Or she does and she acts like this every time, in which case I might need a breather from Rinna. JK she’s one of the realest on the show. I need to keep her in my pocket.

Rinna & Eileen (whose existence on this season so far is to mourn the loss of her father in law Dick Van Patten) act like compassionate humans and visit Yolanda in her white plushy den of illnesses. Yolanda lies on a white bed in a white robe awaiting her lady callers. The girls take their time to snoop around Yo’s new place looking at pictures and into medicine cabinets that would be an absolute goldmine for a drug dealer with the wall-to-wall pills Yo’s been stashing. Rinna reveals that her daughter has a monster crush on Anwar Hadid. Who doesn’t—amirite?! I would kill for a setup of these two for an awkward on-camera tween date. I live for that shit. PLS make it happen, Andy. That’s all I want for Christmas. Anyway, the gals all sit down and talk about colonics and being full of shit. Eileen’s sister died after being sick for a while so she’s really feeling for Yolanda. These two seem genuine and have actually been supportive of Yolanda on camera.

Turds 1 and 2, otherwise known as Lisa and Kyle—on the other hand…are on an economy vacation. HAHA. LoLz. Kyle and Co. are just yachting all over Italy and about to meet up with Lisa and Ken in a Tuscan villa. Kyle’s yacht is bigger than anything I’ve ever lived in and this is essentially just their vacation transportation. Typical. An extra hearty snicker for Kyle talking about going shopping in Florence and then adding at the end: I also want to check out the museums. Mauricio literally laughs right in her grillpiece at how fake that statement was. Mauricio shouldn’t be laughing though because he’s the kind of asshole vacationer who NEEDS to show off his knowledge of other languages at every chance he gets. ARRIVEDERCI he shouts in a haughty voice as he pops into his Ferrari to drive to the villa.

For what it’s worth (nothing), the “Butler” at the villa doesn’t even know how old it is when Kyle asks so he’s obviously a hired Italian actor. Lisa and Ken arrive to the “many many years old” villa after shouting at their Italian Uber to turn up the AC cause it’s not like it’s BOILING in the backseat or anything. They also spent the ride throwing shade at Yolanda for once calling the Amalfi Coast a chore. To be fair, that’s an asshole thing to say…but so is Ken pointing out that Kyle only wears mu-mu’s. Ken is turning into quite the little catty bitch for someone whose about to be 70 years old. SEVENTY. AS IN MY GRANDMA’S AGE. I thought people stopped giving an F when they got that old. Take a page from my Gammy’s book, Ken. Play peaknuckle with your buds once a week, eat dinner at 4:30 and take advantage of all senior citizen discounts. Stop worrying about the fashion and makeup preferences of your wife’s friends.

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Anyway, Ken probably gets put down for his afternoon nap while Lisa and Kyle take the ‘rarri out for a joyride in the Italian countryside because they’re rich and we’re not. Then they spend a significant amount of time piling it on Yo again because they’re the worst and they can. Kyle does what she does best and makes Yolanda’s illness about herself. Apparently when Kyle’s mom died she was convinced she had a disease but it turned out to all be mental and related to her depression. Cool story, Kyle. Let Yolanda try to find a cure and stop chirping her for not wearing eyeliner.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/2/15

1. Ohhhhhhh, ah, ahhhhhhhhh this is ALLL THATTT, this is ALLLL THAAATTT. The OG cast of ALL THAT! reunited recently at Comikaze and I didn’t recognize anyone but Laurie Beth Denberg and Kel soooo yiiikkkeessss. But they were really excited to be famous again for a hot second and they all sang the entire theme song, originally done by TLC of course. Some of them also made an appearance at Comicon in October to throw it back to their famous characters and tell stories from back in the day so it will only be a matter of time until someone ships an All That official reunion or revival. One person we know won’t be joining in is Amanda Bynes, for obvious reasons. Also it’s been 20 years since the premiere of All That so bye, I’m ancient. I sincerely hope that piece of JUice was vital information for your every day life.

2. Say Hello To Your Friends…Babysitters Club. 

I feel like there will never be a week where I don’t include 90’s reunions because it’s all the rage these days. Sarry not sarry bout it that the 90s were the shit. Your favorite kid-loving, business-minded girlies reunited in Austin, TX this week. Why? Oh, cause it’s also their 20th anniversary….woo00oooff. They all cuddled around each other and reminisced on the days when they spent a whole summer playing with snot-nosed kids. Who would ever choose that. But anyway, noticeably missing was Claudia–did they freeze her out because she almost didn’t pass that science test? (The brain, the brain, the center of the chain.) The girls are seen cozying up to Cokie Mason, so I guess they settled their differences with her. More importantly what does Logan look like now? Is he still a dreamboat. So many questions, most will never be answered. Oh, awkward, I guess one of my questions was just answered by the below tweet. HOW DO YOU LOSE A HUMAN?

3. Jason Derulo is on even when he’s hungover. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fJ-TdyZtKE

Leave it to Jason to be clubbin it up until 6am and still be on fire with energy and charisma the next day. James Corden takes singers out for carpool karaoke every once in a while and it’s pretty much always hilarious but it’s not a secret that I have a monster crush on Jason Derulo and if you also do, then this 10 minute video is must-see-TV. When I’m in my car alone I like to refer to it as a concert and you better believe I’m hitting every high note. When someone else joins me in the car I immediately tone it down to whisper singing obviously because they haven’t paid the proper admission for my angel octaves. The fact that James Corden is driving with the actual singer of the music he’s listening to and he’s not holding back is awesome. No shame. Except for maybe those orthopedic sneaks he’s rocking during the dance scene.

4. Good news for your whiny emotional 13 year old self.

Good Charlotte is making a comeback. It’s possible that you might be thinking they have a more mature sound now that they’re both married adults, one with two children. Nope they sound exactly the same as the two whiny bitches who sang about murdering a girl’s boyfriend so they could be together. If you ever went through an emo punk rock phase in middle or high school you will rejoice in their new song. Here’s a peep at the chorus: “Like I’m dying tonight and the whole world is laughing, like everyone I love has gone away.” It’s such a shame that AIM doesn’t exist anymore because that would be a perfect away message for a rainy day…ending of course in LIFE’S A BITCH AND THEN YOU DIE. If you’re feeling like you might be a little too old and more emotionally well-adjusted with life to join Good Charlotte on their second musical journey, feel free to look back on the top angsty hits of your past years with my killer playlist here!

5. RHOBH New Season is Upon Us. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oy31RbsP9zw

And the most interesting part about this trailer is Gigi Hadid & Joe Jonas canoodling. No. Seriously. Not even Andrea Bocelli announced in YoYo’s fabulous accent could distract from the 1 second of teenage superstar interaction. Since everyone wanted to murder Brandi and her only ally on the show went back into rehab, we are down two characters which means of course that we will have two separate staged “hey thanks for coming over everyone, I want you to meet my friend blah blah blah, I think she will get along great in our group.” One would think after so many different cities and season of the Housewives franchise, Andy would have found a better way to assimilate new cast members into the group they’re being paid to hang out with on camera, but whateva. I will be recapping until I want to stab my eyes out. At least I still have my girl Yo to keep me sane.

BONUS: Becky & Jesse are forever the cool aunt & uncle.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- Reunion Part 3

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You know how this has been three excruciating weeks of a bunch of people who hate each other sitting on couches shouting how much they hate each other? Yeah let’s lighten things up with a montage where everyone touches Kyle’s rack and she shimmies it all over the joint. NICE TRY, Bravo. This still SUCKS. No, no don’t change the channel–let’s discuss how Kyle’s afraid of the word pussy but she’s certainly not afraid of asking how Rinna grooms her downstairs. As if I didn’t force that moment out of my memory the second it happened, a pervy reader wrote in LEGITIMATELY asking what kind of hairstyle Rinna’s lady curtains are sporting these days. Rinna confirms that she DOES in fact trim, much to Harry’s disgust because as Kim so soberly put it in the show, Harry likes it hairy. That’s why Kim got paid the big bucks to do Diving with the Stars, for her original wit and humor. In other vagina related news, Brandi’s still takes an occasional pounding from the 23 year old mover she hired to carry her boxes and then unpack one box in particular, WINK. They only get together when he’s on break from college, though or like when he doesn’t have a paper to write…

Ok enough with the LOL’s about mom’s vaginas, it’s time to hate each other again. Kim is asked if she’s talked to Rinna and squashed beef since the show and Kim theatrically pulls out her iPhone and begins reading text messages from Rinna that she obviously archived specifically for this shining moment. She probably also emailed them to herself and wrote them in her diary, you know, for backup. Rinna threatens Kim in these texts and calls her an ugly, disgusting person and after Kim reads them all aloud like she’s Miss Kimmy reading a children’s book at the library, Rinna bursts into tears. Apparently Rinna was always shushed growing up and it has had a long lasting effect on her so Kim had silenced her too many times and she blew up via angry texts. Kim and Brandi immediately start Team Victim and claim that Rinna has anger issues and they’re terrified she’s going to batter them, drinking up Rinna’s tears with two straws like the milkshake that none of them could finish in the scavenger hunt. Suddenly Red Rover, Red Rover, send Eileen on over, girl can’t even stand sharing the same couch as these two villains so she shoots right over and sits in Rinna’s lap to comfort her. Brandi whispers to her partner in crime to just drop it because Rinna is obviously crazy and Kim puts a serene look on her face much too quickly for her to be a sane person and says ok I’m sorry, Rinna, fight’s over and gives Rinna the boniest hover-hug I’ve ever witnessed. Andy wins quote of the night when he says to Kim, I’m wondering why you’re laughing at her tears.” EVERYONE is wondering this, Andy, but NO ONE will question it or fear the wrath of sociopath Kim and her sidekick Brandi.

And for the last time (should be ever but definitely will not be) we delve into the hyper-complicated, needs years of therapy and probably a few Xanax, issues between the sisters Richards. I like to make jokes about these ladies because they subject themselves to reality TV and then generally act like assholes but I can’t even make jokes about this because it’s actually just gotten sad. These two need actual help and need to stop throwing it up on TV. Apparently Kim’s approach to this reunion is to mention that a lot of things have transpired off camera and she does not wish to discuss them today. Kyle’s like whatevs I’ll talk about them and tells the story of how Kingsley bit Kyle’s daughter on Halloween and apparently she Instagrammed a  pic from the hospital but never referenced Kim or her dog as the cause for the trip. Well fans of the show have seen what a nightmare of a dog Kingsley was and used the brains that we don’t normally use while watching this train wreck of a show and figured it out all on their own. Kim loses her shit because a Valencia filter on a hospital pic ruined her family and her life and Kyle’s like well my daughter almost lost her hand and was hooked up to an IV for three weeks. Kim gets nasty and says that it was just a bite and that Kyle is now resurfacing this and making it worse, what’s making it better in my opinion is that post-production added in the actual instagrams that Kyle posted and it’s quite a nice touch to be able to cut to those while the sisters Richards are both screaming that each of them is a mean person and everything is SO PAINFUL and they’re sick of it and they both threaten to leave but don’t move an inch. Kim gets her “scary voice” (according to Rinna) and starts up again with the threats to tell the REAL story of what happened apparently involving Kyle not giving her daughter the antibiotics for two days thus causing the almost hand-amputation incident. So I guess all that blubber about not discussing stuff on camera was something Kim really wanted to stick to. Oh just kidding, she reverted back to that when Andy asked where Kingsley is now and she sketchily replied that he’s with a trainer but then crossed her fingers as she said it and when pressed on the topic shouted KINGSLEY IS OFF LIMITS JUST LIKE MY CHILDREN, HE’S LIKE A SON TO ME. So clearly Kingsley is stowed away in Kim’s house and Kim is host of a house containing a rabid, vicious dog and a dying ex husband who shares pills with her. And there you have it, a lifetime of issues bubbles into the silent treatment between two sisters because Kyle ‘grammed something and Kim didn’t “like” it. Lisa jumps in with a touch of wisdom in crazy town to say that things need to be resolved so that these two don’t look back on their lives and wonder why they weren’t there for each other at milestone moments. Brandi declares she’s washing her hands of this mess and they need to fix it because she never meant to break up a family.

In closing, Andy asks everyone how they’re feeling and the responses are depressing AF. Kyle’s sad, Kim’s sad, Eileen is like yeah maybe we shouldn’t talk about my contract for next season just yet, Rinna’s like NO RAGRETS (Tim Riggins style) and Lisa is sad for Kyle and Kim. What a downer, Andy…we couldn’t have ended with the nipple touching montage? Geeze. Since unlike Bravo, I don’t like to exhaust viewers with awful fighting and then end with the feeling that I wasted days of my life watching the lives of these women unravel on national TV, I’ll end with a funny. At one moment in the reunion, Kyle admits that in a rage blackout she doesn’t even remember double birding her sister and screaming FU at a party and Kim takes this moment to give an aside to Eileen, “yeah that’s totally what happened to me in Amsterdam when I called you a beast, lawls, I didn’t even remember doing it sorry!!” And Eileen threw her SUCH a look it was a light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel that was this season. Eileen may wear bucket hats and tinted shades, but she will NEVER let you get away with such a bullshit excuse. Also, Rinna wins the crown for most F bombs in a season and sassily tells Brandi (who she ripped the honor from) “I’ll put a crown on my 20 year old hairdo.” And with that, I put a crown on this season. No, scratch that…crowns are for winners and this season was a loser. I put the opposite of a crown on this season. It went from 0 to 100 real quick and it became a chore to tune into the dark, deep fights that happened every time they were socialized. Fingers crossed they switch up the cast next season (Kim/Kyle/Brandi should be the first to get tossed) or I might have to move my talents onto another city. Just kidding, all Bravo really needs to do is bring back Camille and I’d probs be all in again. Final offer. And for those wondering if I’ll be recapping their plea for more views, next week’s Secrets Revealed epi, I’ve seen my fair share of secrets this episode and I’m hashtag over it. This is my final Bev Hillz Recap. Try not to miss me TOO much.

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#NeverForget

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- Reunion Part 2

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Do you hear what I hear? The chorus of Shut the F Up’s and F You’s all at a screeching decibel! Are we observing the bathroom line at a seedy club? Nope, just week two of the Housewives reunion. I’m gonna be up front with you guys, because that’s what I do best…this shit is getting exhauuuuusting to watch. Fortunately, Rinna knew that and provided some much needed hands in the air dance moves this week to keep me sane.

Speaking of Emmy’s let’s talk about Eileen and why she felt it was necessary to point out how normal and great her life is every time there wasn’t an opportunity to. We kick things off with an obnoxious montage of Eileen talking about her Emmy, and like soap operas and stuff. Andy tongue in cheek points out how different it must’ve been to do Housewives, har-har. Throughout the rest of this installment, Eileen tells us that her husband assures her she’s not a home wrecker, she’s a homemaker, cause she has a GREAT family and she’s BFF’s with his ex-wife. Her sons have been doing their own laundry and DISHES since they were 13. When Rinna is asked about her humble upbringing, Eileen is quick to jump in, twirl her hair and say well, Andy, I also had a humble upbringing. No one really cared so she then shouted, I drive…I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS. (Fans of Best of Will Ferrell SNL will get that one) JK she drives a Ford Flex, but she mind’s well have told the ladies that she drives a windowless rape van by the way they reacted to this, especially Lisa who owns 3 Bentley’s just to look at. Moral of the story is that Eileen has an Emmy and you bitches don’t.

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There’s more Brandi vs. Eileen and the rehashing of the wine toss…yawn. Brandi is still just hurling insults with no legs to stand on, Eileen drops to her level for a second and throws an F-U her way and seriously do Emmy-winning actresses talk like that? I hope Vincent washed her mouth out with homemade soap later (get it…cause like she’s a homemaker, not home wrecker.)

This fight escalates into including everyone, as it is known to do and suddenly switches to a Brandi vs. Rinna battle. Apparently Rinna jokingly said Brandi dressed like a trashy mom (valid) and Brandi fires back with a dig about Rinna having the same hairstyle for 20 years (also valid). The best part about this whole exchange is that Andy loses his I’m going to pretend to take these stupid problems seriously for one more hour facade and bursts out laughing. All it takes is a well placed hair joke to get Andy to crack. I don’t hate it. I also don’t hate Rinna launching off the couch wiggling those bony hips of hers, throwing her fists in the air and yelling to Brandi that she’s the biggest F’ing double standard she’s ever seen in her life and then flipping the double bird. She also sets the record for most times someone can use the word baby in a condescending way and owns up to never changing that feathered mom hairstyle of hers. She’s proud of it, baby. Rinna wins the reunion.

The outright L7 Weenie’s of the reunion are Brandi and Kim who spitfire a bunch of lies and then promptly are proven wrong by that ole thing called evidence in the form of YOU WERE ON A TV SHOW AND WE FILMED EVERYTHING YOU SAID. Kim recants her tale of Poker Night and it’s basically all completely wrong, she also says she took the pill because she had bronchitis/pneumonia for 6-8 weeks. Ummmm, methinks if you’re sick for almost 2 months it’s probably time to see a doc. And this is coming from someone who avoids doctors…Anyway, Kim thought they were offering her pizza on poker night to trap her to acting like a slob kebab in front of the cameras, everyone hurls F bombs at each other, Kim tells Rinna to go eat and Rinna demands to know what the dirt is on her husband. She once again asks if he banged the dog–time to find your chill on that, Rinna. Kim said she would never slander anyone, but she heard something in the rumor mill about Harry so it’s like obviously true. Andy forces Kim to apologize to Eileen for calling her a beast otherwise she won’t get any ice cream after dinner. She throws a sorry Eileen’s way and Andy is pleased until she firmly declares she will never apologize to Rinna. Kids these days.

Rounding out this week’s hot mess of shouting, Kim and Kyle start in on their 500 years of issues (to be continued next week), Kim compares Kyle to Kathy once again…to which Rinna interrupts, “is Kathy God?” HOW DARE YOU QUESTION GOD’S EXISTENCE IN KATHY HILTON, RINNA. And apparently Kim disinvited Kyle to her daughter’s wedding, Kyle starts the waterworks talking about how much she loves her nieces and then completely UNPROVOKED shouts “YOU’RE SO F-ING MEAN, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.” Thank you, Kyle, thank you for being you.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- Reunion Pt. 1

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We’ve gathered everyone in a room without alcohol, but then we added in a saaasssssyyy Andy Cohen, so it pretty much equals out again as a recipe for disaster. Let’s begin part 1 of 3 whole hours of rehashing fights we’ve seen 19 episodes of this season, shall we? I’m just going to go ahead and break it down by feud to keep things succinct if you don’t mind.

Kyle vs. Kim

This battle reignites when Andy asks if Brandi and Kim are still in touch and Kim replies YES and Kyle replies with a MEAN side eye. It suddenly comes tumbling out that Kim and Kyle have not resolved their differences and also casj haven’t spoken in three months. “We have a few things to work on,” Kim tells everyone in America as if she’s breezily saying she loves turtles, YEAH WE GOT THAT, KIM. Kim’s like REALLY happy not talking to Kyle though and Andy gives her the best WTF face I think I’ve ever seen. Kyle says when they do finally speak she only wants to have honest conversations. There’s obviously a lot going on here that will probably come to a head in part two or three when we address Kim’s dog going apeshit on Kyle’s child. My only concern was WHERE WAS KATHY when this happened? I’m guessing she wasn’t present because if she was, it wouldn’t have gone down.

Yolanda vs. Lyme Disease

My main squeeze Yo-Yo has relapsed with the Lyme again and she’s clearly struggling, she gets emosh talking about it and then talks about her South Korean treatments and taking it day by day and says she won’t be able to stay very long because her brain is very jumbled at the moment. I’m not actually making fun of any of this because she’s clearly not doing so hot and also she’s a classy broad full of wisdom and not Chardonnay. Plus she managed to get out of the rest of the reunion, and that act in itself deserves a bow.

A holy montage of Yo playing peace maker all season long is then shown. She says she lives life with an open heart and no judgments… and great clothes, obviously. When everyone wants to know why she keeps defending Brandi, Yo gives us a nice little nugget when she says, “I think it’s easy for all of us to just kick her to the curb like a bag of trash.” TRUTH. But she still stands by her and says she needs love and support. Kim jumps in to tell everyone that she forgave Brandi, so it’s possible. Thanks, Kim, pls return to your coma now. The convo spins back around to Bella’s DUI because when you’re on a TV show and you get a DUI, people don’t forget, Bellz. A viewer calls Yo out for punishing her by setting her up in a deluxe apt in NYC and Yo responds, “I don’t think her carrying her furniture on her back is going to teach her not to drink and drive.” PREACH. Finally Yo wants to retire to bed because she’s taken enough shrill yelling for the rest of her life, and she sums up this season in a way that I would never ever ever in a million years think but Yo is Queen and so she gets away with it. She says everyone meshed together and the dream team lives on…“Life is very lonely, we all need a team, we all need to look out for each other.” And with that, she retired to her California King to slip on a white lace nightgown and dream of peacefully living in a windmill with her cute but forgotten former lover.

Rinna vs. Kim (The Battle of the Thirsty Has-Beens)

Rinna is asked by a viewer how much she made for the Depends ad because she had previously claimed it was the most she’s ever made on any appearance. She wouldn’t disclose but said it was more than 6 figures. This seems like a good time for Kim to come to, stand up and exaggerate a Depends dance to make fun of Rinna then declare that she does NOT do anything for a buck and has a little more pride than Rinna. And God Bless Andy, whose quick to point out that Kim did Diving with the Stars. This is why we keep Andy around, Kim immediately clamps her babbling mouth shut. Rinna chimes in that she actually did turn down Diving with the Stars. Point: Rinna. There’s some nonsense about Rinna being anorexic, apparently she lost 6 lbs or something from stress and Brandi says she’s never seen her eat but would NEVER call her anorexic from that, trying to make an argument that the ladies shouldn’t call her an alcoholic just because she drinks around them. This would be Point: Brandi except that Rinna says Brandi actually called her an anorexic old hag in a text. Sooo that pretty much dissolves your argument, Brandi ya big bitch.

Brandi vs. The World

Speaking of drinking, let’s touch upon when everyone rehashed that Brandi is a mean, sloppy drunk and she defended herself by saying that she only drinks when she’s around them, to tolerate them of course. Eileen is like hey home girl, doesn’t matter why you drink but every time I’m around you, you have the slursies and the meansies. Brandi claims it depends on the company and if she’s happily drunk she’ll give out lap dances. I’m kind of glad we never got to see that on the show, because watching Kyle do splits every time she gets drunk is just about enough for me to see ever.

 

Finally…Lisa vs. Brandi

What starts out as the continuance of THE SLAP (eeeeeeenoughhhhhh) spirals into Brandi claiming that Kyle spread stories about Lisa banging her trainer and being poor or something. Brandi and Kyle then spent about 5 minutes screaming at each other and dropping F bombs. It was pretty pleasant. ALMOST as pleasant as hearing the deets of Brandi’s penetration station with AmsterBABY. Lisa’s choking back vomit as she tells us she’s known this kid since he was 7 and she’d prefer not to know about his cougar trysts. The only comic relief in this stupid fight is Brandi and Andy bonding over the fact that they’ve both banged 23 year olds. Three cheers for the loose gooses! Anyway, there’s more analysis of the SLAP, everyone weighs in on it like this is a trial and they’re the jury deciding if it’s ok to drink and slap, FTR, it’s a unanimous NO and Andy tries to defend his fellow cougar Brandi by comparing the slap to playing with your dog and your dog bites you. (Kind of a touchy subject, Andy, no?) B does NOT like this comparison. She loses her chill, says a big F U to Andy and says she’s done taking shit from everyone. Clearly all the ladies need to be hooked up to their mid-afternoon wine IV or take their scheduled Valium or whatevs, cause bitches be gettin cranky. In conclusion, Brandi thinks Lisa is beating the slap to death, clearly doesn’t know what this whole season has been like for all of us, cause the slap has been beaten, buried, and its ashes have been dug up to beat again. Lisa says she didn’t make a big deal about it. Ok, Lisa. The future of these ladies is to never ever speak again and also maybe blackmail each other because Hood Brandi comes out to play and tells Lisa to watch her back. If I were Lisa I’d amp up my security and maybe keep Hanky and Panky indoors for a little while.

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