Tag Archives: reality show

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Buncha Baby Bitches

peter

GET MY NAME OUTCHA MOUF. Okay we’re all caught up from two weeks ago. We pick up at the rose ceremony again where Eric is shouting at everyone and stuff. Lee interrupted Kenny and hovered like a real creep so that he could tell her his grandpa got cancer and gift Rachel with a block of wood. The other guys confuse the word quirk and cork. Classic mix-up. Kenny and Lee argue about how they’re no longer boys because boys don’t interrupt each other to give their girl a stray block from life-size Jenga. Rachel overhears and excuses herself to go cry because there’s too much pressure on her. (Ahem, as the first black bachelorette.) She’s #done with this shit. And as everyone knows, when the bachelorette has a breakdown and clicks her heels three times, Chris Harrison will appear to make it all better. Or he’ll just gather the gang to tell them that Rachel is hella mad and wants to start sending bitches home, STAT. I think we can all agree that cocktail hour went on long enough anyway.

Rose Ceremony: Anthony, Alex, Eric, Will, Dean, Jonathan, Peter, Adam, Bryan, Matt, Josiah, Jack, Iggy, Kenny, Lee

Our Love is About to Take Off with Dean

Screen Shot 2017-06-19 at 10.57.12 PM

Rachel and the boys head to Hilton Head Island down in South Carolina. Number one vacation spot for bougie families with small children. Cue the commercial with drone shots of the beaches and quaint southern buildings. THIS IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO FALL IN LOOOOOVEEE. Or ride in a minivan for 14 hours with your siblings and cousins to visit during school spring break. Either way, either way’s fine. Anywho, Dean is afraid of heights and apparently is SHOCKED that a date called “our love is about to take off” includes flying. COME ON, DEAN. They cruise around in a blimp because Rachel used to call blimps, “bimps”. I guess? I don’t know. I didn’t even know people could ride in a blimp. What’s romantic about charging through the sky in a chode shaped Goodyear advertisement? Nothing, I tell you. They fly the blimp by the hotel to brag. Total douche move. Eric obv takes it personally. Later on, Dean talks about his mom dying of cancer and it’s literally heartbreaking. Like why is it necessary to have these talks? He talks about his mom telling him she wouldn’t be coming home and I think I speak for everyone when I say I was choking back sobs. He gets a rose. They hit up a Russell Dickerson concert. Whoever that is. JK I’ll stop being a dick. His song was actually really good. Dean and Rachel slow dance and make out in front of everyone, duh!

I Want to See Who’s Ready for Commitment with Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Iggy, Eric, Will & Josiah

Rachel invites everyone on a yacht to embarrass themselves, essentially. The boys pop their tops off and immediately form a dance circle like Get Low just came on at the 8th grade dance. This awkward take turns doing shitty dance moves quickly morphs into a little rap sesh. Peter raps and it makes me want to cringe away forever and die. Suddenly, we go from a Diddy music video to a spelling bee hosted by Chris Harrison and judged by preteen girls. What a spin move.

earmuffs

Apparently Rachel wants someone who can pop their pecs AND spell dirty words because the first word is squirt. SERIOUSLY?! On what planet has anyone ever said that they like a squirt of lime in their tequila? A SQUIRT? Props to Rachel for being far more mature than I will ever be (it’s not that hard) reading that sentence with a straight face. Kenny tells everyone he’s ready to show he has brains then promptly spells champagne wrong. Lolerz. “PHYSDE” is how Eric spelled Façade. Let that sink in. Josiah is the champ and his second to last word was stunning so clearly this whole thing was a downright scam. Stunning is round 1 shit. ROUND ONE. I should know, I won my 4th grade spelling bee, nbd but HBD, yo. I was a much more graceful winner than Josiah. As in, I didn’t tongue my trophy in front of everyone.

At the after party, Josiah drinks out of his trophy like the giant wiener that he is. Peter and Rachel talk about if they would move for each other and conveniently Rachel is licensed to practice law in Wisconsin. Hmmmm. Interesting. Iggy uses his Rachel time to say that Josiah isn’t real. Cause Iggy was put on this show to narc on everyone else and call it “being protective.” He immediately tells Josiah and everyone is like hey Iggy, you’re a big tattletale and no one likes you. The Lee vs. Kenny thang continues when Rachel asks each of them what happened and Lee lies like the capital R racist that he is. This shit is to be continued, natch and next week is two episodes of garbage instead of your regular scheduled programming of just one. Don’t you dare let the previews fool you into thinking that Kenny gets punched though. I’ve fallen for that trick one too many times and I’m putting my foot ALL THE WAY DOWN. ALL THE WAY. Every single season they flash some injury and tease a fight that never happens and I drink that kool aid like nobody’s biz. Well, not this year. After Carly’s fake black eye and the mirage of Chad throwing torsos in the pool, I’m OUT. Kenny either gets this injury from an activity or causes it himself because I REFUSE to step into the OBVIOUS trap that Lee the honkey can ever get a right hook on Kenny the pro wrestler that would cause that much damage. But damnit I’ll be popping a bag of popcorn in case I’m wrong. I’m like never wrong though. Honestly.

kenny

Standard
Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Copper Rules, DeMario Drools

 

Screen Shot 2017-05-29 at 9.33.21 PM

It’s like the producers knew I wasn’t really feeling this season and they try to hook me at the beginning of the episode and reassure me of my choices by tossing in gratuitous Copper scenes. And I accept. What I refuse to accept is that Copper is a casj cripple. WHO HURT YOU COPPER? I’LL HUNT THEM DOWN LIKE A DOG.

I’m Looking for Husband Material with Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred & Lucas

The guys start out with some grilled food that they don’t eat and tossing a little of the ole pigskin around. Lucas obv whabooms a lot then hardcore spins Rachel in her dress (it’s a good thing they didn’t eat those hot dogs), Blake seethes from the side because he was put on this show to wholeheartedly hate Lucas. Then, SURPRISE! Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher have joined the show to moderate the date’s activity. Someone utters that they are, “The most perfect couple in Hollywood right now” and I audibly gasped. DO NOT insult Blake and Ryan with such cutting words. Mila asks all the guys if they have jobs and Blake, Whaboomer & Tickle Monster are ODDLY silent. Ashton predicts Rachel’s guy isn’t in this group. Yeah no shit, we can all predict that, have you ever seen this show before? Mila makes some dirty sex comments that SURPRISINGLY make the cut on a show that then blurs out what I hope is fake poop in baby diapers. If it’s real poop then I’m concerned for how realistic these games are. In the Danny Tanner competition, most of the guys are sent to the doghouse for killing their babies, except for Lucas who literally drowns his offspring while unclogging the sink and yet still wins. He also bodies Kenny (whose career is pro wrestler…bold) to secure the W. And of course, for the grand finale, Lucas “Whaboom” spikes his baby. As a winning prize, he tries to convince Ashton to do a Whaboom and even the creator of an MTV show that pranked D list celebs was like yeah, no. I’m not going to do that. KICK ROCKS, LUCAS.

Screen Shot 2017-05-29 at 8.39.09 PM

Later on, Rachel is feeling no chemistry with any of these guys because real talk they’re all duds. Blake the aspiring drummer gets on his soap box to tell the other guys that he “knows Lucas from another time” and thinks he just wants to get on TV. AKA someone tipped him off to IMDB Lucas and see that he’s just an actor…which by the way is TOTAL BS. Either way, Blake fulfills his life mission to ruin his own chances by only talking about Lucas and narcs to Rachel that he’s not here for the right reasons because he lived with his ex-girlfriend or something that I don’t care to remember. Dean interrupts this sad, sad after-date party to soak Rachel’s panties just by joking with her. Hot crowd. He obviously gets rosed and a lot of smooches with red lipstick face, free of charge.

I’m Looking for My Best Friend with Peter

copperdate

Rachel brings Copper on the date and I’M ALL IN. Her Peter and Copper fly to Palm Springs for a bark box doggie pool party and I’ve never grinned at the TV harder. Peter, who? MORE COPPER PLS. How do I get an invite to one of these pup parties and do I need to have a dog in order to attend? You can get back to me on that. I guess Peter and Rachel bond but I don’t care because I spend the whole time wondering what Copper is up to and if the other dogs are picking on her for having a cast at a pool party. Turns out she doesn’t let that hold her back and still hops right into the pool for a quick dip. When she wants to get loose, Peter picks her right up and they dance. It’s the cutest darn thing on this earth. Side note: when Peter asked what happened to Copper’s leg, Rachel was REAL sketchy and said they could talk about it off camera. NOW I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. Why not just cut that part out completely? My curiosity is through the roof.

Later on, Rachel wears a bangarang dress and the two bond over being gap toothed. They also both went to relationship therapists, where they learned it’s not their fault they’re so gap toothed. Just kitten. This conversation is boring and would’ve been more interesting if Copper was sitting at the table with them being adorbs AF. Peter gets a rose and they watch a fireworks show outside. Rachel puts earphones on Copper AS IF he’ll not be terrified of fireworks directly on top of him. My dog used to hide from the vacuum. BE SMARTER, RACHEL. DOGS HATE FIREWORKS.

Swish with Lee, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Matt, Eric, Josiah, DeMario

kareem

Rach wants to find a baller so she brings the gang to open gym with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I haven’t seen Kareem since he helped Uncle Jesse find his sweet spot for DJ’s charity basketball game and it would be putting it mildly to say that he has aged. In fact, if someone hasn’t checked on Kareem since this was filmed, I suggest that they do so because he was a whisper away from flatlining right on that bench. Anyway, let’s talk about how Josiah said Rachel’s leggings fit her like a coca cola bottle. Is that a compliment? During practice time, DeMario dunks right in Rachel’s grillpiece and compares himself to Jordan, Brady AND Jeter. So he’s staying really humble and his overconfidence definitely won’t become an issue. The boys then learn that they have to play a full game for a “packed” house. They can’t seem to get their heads in the game and it’s a real sad excuse for a bball game.

wildcats

After the game the actual Cash me Ousside girl approaches Rachel to tell her she was dating DeMario when he went on after the rose. She seems well intentioned until Rachel drags DeMario out of the locker room to get cornered and it turns into a full-on episode of Maury. Lil Miss Scrunchie is talking directly to the camera, dropping F bombs and running her mouth like nobody’s biz. Shit got ratchet real quick and Rachel finally has to put her foot down when she reads a text chain that tosses Demario’s deny, deny, deny, then lie tactic right out the window. Not even a well-timed dunk will save him now.

Rachel tells him to get the F out. Chris Harrison tries to pop in for a little pep talk but Rachel is not having it after being cornered by someone wearing a nude colored scrunchy in front of cameras. She addresses the locker room about what just happened. She didn’t come here to get played, she came here to keep it one hunnid. Lee needs further explanation of what that means.

Later on, all the guys comfort her as if someone has passed instead of a playa being sent home. There are songs, poems, bible readings (?) and smooches all to make Rachel feel less sad. This is the point in time where I’d like to remind everyone that I was duped real hard by DeMario’s witty bio and charming good looks and I picked him as my only favorite this season. WHOSE GOING TO COME AND COMFORT ME?! Never once in his bio did it allude to the fact that he was shacking up with a scrunchie-wearin street rat. I am appalled. Josiah gets rosed.

Cocktail Hour

Rachel gives a shoutout to all the guys who didn’t show up to propose to her already in a relationship and Brian the Colombian steals her away right quick. He jams his tongue down her throat and says he missed her. Then gives her a massage. Be 1 trillion times less aggressive Brian, you big creep. Suddenly DeMario shows up at the mansion and has to go through 3 tiers of security and finally Chris Harrison to get to Rachel. Chris Harrison pulls Rachel aside to tell her that speaking of today’s incident, an uninvited guest has arrived. Rachel replies “who?” America collectively rolls their eyes right out of their skulls. It’s to be continued and MAY I SAY that episode 2 of the season IS WAY TOO SOON to start f’ing with the structure of the show and moving rose ceremonies to the beginning of each episode. Get your head out of your ass, ABC.

 

Standard
Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – “I Have No Whaboom in Me”

(FRONT) MILTON, BRYCE, JEDIDIAH, JACK, FRED, IGGY, RACHEL LINDSAY, KYLE, JAMEY, MICHAEL, LEE, KENNY, BLAKE E.; (MIDDLE) MATTHEW, BRYAN, PETER, JOSIAH, DEAN, GRANT, KENNETH, BLAKE K., ERIC, ROBERT; (BACK) JONATHAN, WILL, ADAM, DEMARIO, ALEX, MOHIT, LUCAS, ANTHONY, BRADY

Chris Harrison kicks off the episode with a cheesy Zack Morris talking to the camera disclaimer about why this season of the Bachelorette is ahem, so different & special. And why Rachel got such an outpouring of love and support. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, ABC is 100 years behind the curve and never had anyone but whiteys as the star of the show. LET’S GET THINGS STARTED! We see Rachel in a community court setting standing up and saying, “I object”. So like, that must mean she’s a real big lawyer.

Another extremely important takeaway: Apparently they got loosey goosey this season and let Rachel bring her dog. Quickest way to get me to commit to this season? Give the pup maximum screen time. In fact, if we could incorporate the little wuppy into all future dates that would be ideal. Tysm. Since I can’t write a blog all about Copper the dog (I mean I could, but whatever) let’s talk about the 30 goons.

Screen Shot 2017-05-22 at 9.21.10 PM

“Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King” (say that 10 times fast) is the pro wrestler with a heart of gold apparently. He’s a contender right now and I’ll temporarily forget his affinity for edible arrangements as romantic gifts. Kenny talks about how much he loves his daughter, does the wave with Rachel as his intro and is nice to all the other guys.

Jack Stone introduces himself as Jack. WTF. WHY SAY YOUR NAME IS JACK STONE IF YOU’RE GOING TO GO AS JUST JACK? Just Jack talks about his mom dying from cancer when he was in high school. So he’s a real downer. Also, his teeth are confirmed 1000% fake.

justjack

Alex’s intro is all gym rat, until he starts coding and tossing around a Rubik’s cube of course. He speaks another language and puts meats on a kebab with his mom.

Mohit looks like he’s 17 and he wants to get married because he’s pretty much the last one in his giant family to get married and have kids. The pressure is real. Instead, he gets super drunk on night one and watches Rachel kiss another guy. You win some, you lose some, Mo.

Lucas immediately teaches us what Whaboom is…apparently THIS IS HIS CATCHPHRASE THAT HE SHOUTS WHILE HE MAKES WEIRD FACES AND HAS SEIZURES. Definitely NOT what I pictured when I read this as his career and refused to Google it. Lucas uses a megaphone from the limo to shout about his testicles and how he’s Rachel’s future husband. Then he obviously whabooms her real hard. SHE DOES NOT SEEM TO ENJOY IT. Neither does anyone else in the house when he does it 1 trillion more times. He hawks his Whaboom frat tanks on twitter though, so who cares what the other guys and the rest of America thinks, amirite? Merch never sleeps.

Diggy gave himself this nickname because of how fashionable he is. He tells Rachel he’s, ‘Hopefully here to teach her how to dig’. That’s enough, Diggy.

Josiah talks about cutting his brother down from hanging from his backyard tree after he was bullied about his weight when he was a child. Was not looking for that deep, dark turn while watching my trash TV. He was rebellious for a while and now he’s a state attorney reppin kids like him. He ALSO gets a fake court scene (match made in heaven with Rachel?) Jo looks sharp in a grey jacket on the first night but then quickly negates it with a little legal jargon flirting. SNAGS THAT FIRST STEAL, THO. (So everyone hates him.) They talk about lawyering stuff and then Josiah fights with Demario about who will make Rachel their wife. So he went from frontrunner to buhhole real quick.

During a quick break from meeting these boneheads, we cut to the loser contestants from Nick’s season giving Rachel advice/talking over each other. It didn’t take long to remember how annoying all these biddies were. Whitney (?) who never once spoke last season, tells Rachel that her sorority sister’s friends mom’s cousin knows Demario from the grocery store once and his intentions probably aren’t pure. Thanks for coming, Whitney. Rach talks about how much she loves her squad. I would KMS if this was my group of friends.

Peter wants to change her luck with Wisconsin guys. He’s cute and he’s wearing a spiffy plaid jacket. Later on, he says everyone likes chocolate and pulls out a box, Rachel doesn’t like chocolate. OK, GIRL. Hey Peter, I LOVE CHOCOLATE.

Bryan speaks Spanish to Rachel at their first meeting and she understands a little. He says get ready to date a Colombian, boo. Later on he reveals that he’s old and ready to settle down. Then he says he’s good with his hands and sticks his tongue WAY down her throat. Even though he attempts to swallow her head whole, he gets the first impression rose. He slobbers on her again as a thank you.

Bryce picks her up and is obv wearing his fireman’s patch. Do you think he’s a firefighter or something?

Will gets bonus points for doing an Urkel impression then getting back in the limo and popping out as Stefan in a full suit. Smooooth.

 

Not-Drummer-Blake’s grandparents dated for a couple of months and have been married for 65 years. Unfortunately this did not help his chances and he was kicked off and wah-wahed about it.

Brady breaks a literal block of ice in front of her. Just stand there and be pretty, Brady.

Side Bar: I’ve never seen a room full of men turn into a bunch of insecure bitches faster than when the limo with the guys who already met Rachel on After the Rose showed up. They rolled in and immediately everyone was like Hi, you got 30 more seconds of screen time than us and therefore we hate your stinkin guts. It was like hate for the first steal guy magnified by a billion.

Dean (originally met Rachel on the after the rose) and declared once he goes black he never wants to go back. He asked for reassurance on his introduction because obviously he got some backlash for being accidentally racist or insensitive. Rach was like I loved it so much!!! Later on, he tells her that he lives near the beach so they build a sandcastle in a sandbox.

DeMario is confident AF and then immediately turns into a douche and I regret saying he was my favorite, of course. But then he says N*SYNC or BSB as his first question to Rachel and they both answer correctly #dirtypopforlife. But seriously though, fighting with the other guys on night one about how this woman is your wife is too aggress.

Blake the aspiring drummer spends his pre-recorded intro talking about his penis and sex skills.  Then at the mansion he drumlines in and thinks he redeemed his awk intro on the after the rose special. She’s not looking for a marching band, bro. Also you talked about your dick on national TV, people don’t forget. It soon becomes clear that Blake hates Whaboom guy, like A LOT. Like might commit a murder in front of our very eyes. They both need to GO.

Screen Shot 2017-05-22 at 9.19.41 PM

Fred brings his yearbook to show that he was in 3rd grade at the same school Rachel was in 8th grade. Rachel wants to get to know Fred as a grown up since he was a little asshole child.

Jonathan steps out of the limo with that serial killer mug of his and then tells Rachel to close her eyes and put her hands out. He then tickle attacks her and I almost rocketed off of my couch in rage. TICKLING IS THE WOOOORST. No girl likes to be tickled. It can be compared to a form of torture and if I were Rachel I would’ve stomped right off that stupid wet driveway set if someone came at me hot with tickle hands. Jonathan needs to get off of this planet.

Lee sings a shitty song and gives her a flower. (Also I wasn’t far off by saying he was going to be trouble…apparently he’s the house bully this season and also might have a girlfriend on the side. DRAAAMAAAA)

Milton takes a selfie, that he’ll probably try to sell because he’s trying to get “discovered”. Unfortunately, admitting you want fame in your bio doesn’t always add up and he’s sent home. He turns on the tears REAL quick to show that he has range in case any casting directors are watching and talks about how he was the best dressed in the room A LOT. If we’re being honest, Peter was dressed like a baller, Milton’s just meh.

Adam brings a creepy dummy that’s basically a The Children’s Place window mannequin. It gets a lot of closeups and NOT UP IN HERE am I going to watch a TV show with a terrifying doll as the main bit. MAKE IT STOP, ABC. This guy deserves to be kicked off just for bringing this creature.

Screen Shot 2017-05-22 at 10.10.52 PMScreen Shot 2017-05-22 at 10.10.58 PM

Matt is this year’s dolphin/shark and dresses up as a penguin because they mate for life. He can’t really see out of his costume but it turns out that it conveniently covered his bald spot so I started to understand real quick why he wore it. Milton was a little pezzzed that a guy in a penguin suit got through and his $2000 suit didn’t get noticed. You just got Bachelorette’ed, bro.

 

Rose Ceremony:

Bryan, Peter, Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, Demario, Jonathan, Bryce, Alex, Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam, Blake E, Lucas

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Goodbye 3 Hours of My Life

This tweet sums up last night as a whole. It is NEVER necessary for the Bachelor to be 3 hours long, especially not when it’s the worst season that’s ever aired on TV. And while I’m ranting, WTF APRIL?! HAVE YOUR G-D BABY. Three weeks is FAR too long for us all to watch you eat hay, shit and nap (see Corinne, giraffes nap too!) GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD.

But anyway, let’s pick up with Raven who high fives strangers and skips around Finland to a poppy soundtrack after she O’s. Or that’s what the producers would like us to believe. There’s no WAY Nick got the job done. And while we’re on the topic of Nick, let’s discuss how stupid he looks in a winter hat. With the baby hairs sticking out the front and the way it sits half on/half off his head, he looks like a real wiener. These girls have to be drying up just at the sight of winter Nick.

Rachel

Rachel is falling in love with Nick but cannot be trusted with her judgement because she’s wearing a crop top in Finland. Rachel asks Nick, “ do you know where you stand with me?” and Nick says “not entirely” so they’re really in sync as a couple. She tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him and he says 100% samesies. No seriously, he used the FULL percentage in reciprocation. Seems like a pretty dumb thing to do with someone that you’re OBVIOUSLY sending home. So he’s continuing his streak of blind sighting girls. They spend the night togets and obv Rachel makes herself vulnerable (wink, wink). She also doesn’t take her choker off when she sleeps which is CRAZY. Who can sleep in a choker? These are the biggest things I took away from this date. Penguin onesie and CHOKER.

Vanessa

Screen Shot 2017-03-07 at 8.41.26 AM

Vanessa & Nick wear matching icy blue swimwear and do a polar plunge basically in a little pool outside a cabin. Sounds ssssssuper fun. Nick spazzes out all over the joint and looks like an R-worded dinosaur once they get back inside to warm up. Then they do it again. WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF THIS DATE? If anyone ever suggested this as a date to me I’d be outta there. Vanessa’s really getting shafted on this show. Plus she has to look at Nick’s stupid winter hat situation for the entire time. They hit the hot tub to warm up and ask each other if they’ll last after this show. The answer is an obvious no. Nick will not leave this country to live with Vanessa and her tight-wad family. Why? Because he’s proud to be an American. Barf all over me. Now that Nick’s faced with the decision of moving to another country for a girl he doesn’t love, suddenly he’s Uncle Sam. Okkkkk. Shit starts to get too real too quick so Nick keeps telling Vanessa that they’re just too similar, which is a bitch ass way of saying that he doesn’t see a future with her because later on he says hopefully we can “figure it out and accept our differences.” HOW CAN YOU HAVE DIFFERENCES IF YOU’RE SO SIMILAR? HMMMMM, NICK? Riddle me that.

Rose Ceremony

Nick cries big sloppy wet tears because that’s what he does best and sends Rachel packing. Could’ve done without this tearful goodbye, tbh considering we know Rachel will be just fine. She’ll have her tongue in 26 other guys’ mouths in no time. Time and tongueing other men on TV heals all wounds, is what I always like to say.

WOMEN TELL ALL

I’ve always loved the concept of the Women Tell All epi because what could be greater TV than tossing angry, rejected women into one room and then trotting out the man who dumped them? Unfortunately, it can also be a disaster in the form of catty bitches just shouting at each other about one little thing, Housewives reunion style. That was the case this time around with the Taylor vs. Corinne saga. And let me be very clear, I’m #TeamCorinne. Everything else is white noise–like for example Elizabeth and Lacey, who painted on their best faces and showed up ready to yap at every opportunity. Who are either of these ladies? The world may never know.

womentellall

Hey does everyone remember Liz, who slept with Nick then surprised him on the show and he didn’t remember sleeping with her? Well she took last night as an opportunity to get up on her soapbox to tell everyone that it doesn’t matter who you bang in your past, it shouldn’t define you. Which, like, true, but not necessary to make a feminist manifest over slutty drunk wedding sex. Also, you still have a tattoo that takes up your ENTIRE back. People don’t forget.

Taylor then takes a page out of Liz’s book and declares that people in the helping profession shouldn’t be shamed for helping people. WHAT? Everyone basically boos her off the stage. Corinne gets up mid- Taylor sob sesh to get herself a cold glass of champs. Amen, sistah.

Screen Shot 2017-03-07 at 8.34.21 AM

After Corinne is properly hydrated, her and Taylor have a LITERAL battle to the death of who napped and when and how long their nap was and did they have a blanket and I want to drill a hole in my skull. Corinne would just like everyone to know that she was fucking tired. Same, girl. Same. I’m especially tired of Chris Harrison repeatedly asking Taylor why she’s getting emotional and her response being “I’m just so overwhelmed.” Maybe if you didn’t act like such a seaward everyone wouldn’t overwhelmingly hate you. Then the audience is treated to Raquel’s cheese pasta, which spoiler alert: is  just plain pasta with shredded cheese on it. I would’ve put that directly in the trash where it belongs. There’s only one cheese pasta that’s acceptable and it’s called Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (SHAPES ONLY).

Kristina gets the “hot seat” to re-tell her story that we just watched in full in a recap and Liz rips that spotlight away immediately by sobbing in her chair and turning it into another feminist rant. Liz would like us all to stop fighting about naps and think about how Kristina could have been forced into prostitution. Again, valid point but like stfu, Liz. Let Kristina tell her story. We get it, you’re all friends except for Taylor and Corinne and Liz would like us to know that she builds wells in foreign countries instead of sleeping with bachelor contestants at a made for TV wedding. (Don’t think I didn’t notice how you had one of the other girls slide that factoid in, LIZ.)

liz

Finally Lispy comes out IN THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR and Lacey wants to know why he only talked about Josephine when he was with her. WAS HE FRIEND ZONING HER? Lacey, he had no idea who you are, just like the rest of us and if he chose to talk about the girl dressed as Sarah from Hocus Pocus while on a date with you then you need to reevaluate your life.

Screen Shot 2017-03-07 at 8.36.25 AM

DLo still isn’t over being dumped and “asks a question” aka just sobs and says it was unfair how Nick broke up with her. I mean, Nick is quite literally the worst at dumping girls but realistically what did these B’s expect? He says sorry (ish) and everyone pets DLo so she stops crying so much.

Rachel comes out and everyone praises her as the new Bachelorette and I actually fell asleep when she was talking. Next season should be F-U-N! Here’s to another 3 hours down the drain next weeeeeekkkkk weeeowwwwweeeowwwwwweeeeeee!

rachel

(I think I’m getting Bach delirious.) Also, Rachel if you’re going to be the next Bachelorette you’re going to have to do better than an awkward one sleeve dress. PUH-LEASE.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Show Me Your O Face

nick-andi

Apologies for being late with this recap but it’s like pulling teeth to watch this show and I’ve just recently downgraded to a life without DVR (please keep me in your T’s and P’s) so the struggle was VERY real just to be able to watch this pointless episode after it aired. But after attempting to steal my parent’s cable from 130 miles away and failing miserably, I finally got it on Hulu. Yes you have to hear about how hard I worked just to watch Corinne get booted. Dedication at its finest.

Anyway, last week Andi rolled up to Nick’s door and they were like WHAT WILL SHE SAY?! OMGGGGGGG. Turns out just like any other former contestant whose hard up for cash, she was brought back just to give some “advice”. In this case, advice=give Nick permission to bang his three girlfriends in the fantasy suites. Cause like he’s an adult, and she’s a feminist. Did I misinterpret the definition of feminism in Beyonce’s hit educational bangpiece “***Flawless”?

bey

Andi also sneaks in a little jab about Nick being a total wiener and telling America that she “made love to him” on the after show roughly 3 years ago. People don’t forget. He’s like yeah ok maybe I regret that. Except he doesn’t really regret it…because it got him a TV deal for 3 more years.

windy

At the very windy rose ceremony, Raven shows up in actual black face and Corinne wears a fur coat. What a diverse group of ladies. Nick decides not to rose Cruella, probably because she was giving a mean stink eye throughout that rose ceremony. Corinne sobs and asks what she did wrong and Nick says she did nothing wrong, gives her a hug, says he’s gonna miss the hell out of her and tosses her into the limo. What a magician of breakups Nick is. Explain nothing and get them the hell out of there. To be fair, Corinne is probably too confused to notice that she just got shafted. She loud sobs all over that mink that her “heart will like literally like never like be repaired.” My teacher used to hit the desk every time someone said like and I wish a producer did that during this goodbye. The sorrow doesn’t last long because she quickly turns heel to being #DONE with impressing men. And then she puts herself to sleep. Goodnight sweet cheese pasta princess with the vageen of platinum. We will all miss you and your lack of emotional intelligence. corinnesmink

Lapland, Finland with Raven

The gang jets off to Finland for the fantasy suites, so that Nick can showcase his collection of turtlenecks and really show the ladies how versatile his wardrobe is for any season. Raven gets the first date/hang because Nick doesn’t really know if he likes her. She laid off rubbing actual mud on her face for her Finland makeup regimen and I thank her for that. They take a helicopter ride to watch deer run in the snow or something and then hit the pub for darts with the locals. She sucks at darts, and I know this because I went through a phase where I would play darts at the local dive bar every weekend and my friends continuously harassed me for bending my knees and winding up for a jump shot every time it was my turn. None of them offered to carry me to the dartboard like Nick did for Raven, so that’s pretty rude, tbh. Some local Finlandian’s (I made this up and I’m ok with it) looking to catch their big break come over and laugh at Raven’s stupid accent and talk shit about her in their native language, probably.

nickturtleneckv

Nick and Raven discuss their future and Nick has agreed to cook if Raven will fold the clothes. What a pair of domestic partners. I couldn’t help but notice that there was no mention of who will take care of the home while Nick is in LA doing Dancing with the Stars. These are the real hard-hitting future questions that should be asked on this show. What SHOULDN’T be discussed is Raven’s inability to orgasm all up in this B. She’s apparently never had one and it’s something that we should know. She also thinks Nick is going to give her one tonight in the fantasy suite. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. Girl. He kicked a girl off so she would stop talking about their one night stand because he’s bad at sex. Lower your expectations.

Later on at dinner, it comes out that even though Raven dated her ex for 2 years, she never told him she loved him…and he only told her when he was drunk. HI I’M A RED FLAG, NICE TO MEET YA! Kinda explains why he cheated real hard on her.  Raven then gives the most scripted I Love You speech to Nick that I’ve ever heard and he’s like that’s the best profession of love I’ve ever heard. Even better than movies. Ok, Nick. I’m a little concerned about the fact that Raven was with someone for 2 years, didn’t love them yet met Nick 3 weeks ago and is so completely in love with him and trusts him to take her to O-town. After opening the fantasy suite card/key Raven immediately tells Nick that she’s only been with one guy and he couldn’t get the job done for her. No presh or anything. Nick quickly suggests to the camera that he might not sleep with the women so it’ll make his decision easier in the end. I WONDER WHAT CAUSED THIS EPIPHANY?! Hope Raven brought her BOB to Finland! See ya next week for 100 more hours and probably Rachel’s farewell.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Elephant in the Room

screen-shot-2017-02-20-at-10-07-59-pm

Three minutes in and Nick is shedding all sorts of man tears, which really sets the tone for this stupid episode. All anyone cared about is meeting Raquel. The rest was white noise.

Hoxie, Arkansas with Raven

Raven brings Nick up to the top of a water tower and the big, bad, Hoxie police roll up to do a really shitty job of pretend reprimanding them. Nick straight shits his pants and obviously the cop is Raven’s brother. Don’t quit your day job, bruh. That acting was EMBARRASSING. After Nick finishes cleaning up the big dump in his pants from being scolded by a cop, they go four wheeling so that they can lay in a muddy, murky wetland DEFINITELY full of snakes and writhe on each other.

raven

Later, Raven’s parents announce that her dad is cancer free and Nick awkwardly claps and has all the uncomfies. Raven cries, and gives a written speech. Nick SHOCKINGLY doesn’t cry. So to reiterate, the blowing of a breeze makes Nick sob but hearing happy news and seeing everyone emotional=his eyes are the Sahara desert. I don’t have anything to say about this boring ass home visit other than her accent makes me want to hang myself.

Texas with Rachel

Right off the bat Rachel hauls Nick to a gospel church where the reverend introduces Nick as her boyfriend. He is the only white in that church, which has roughly 14 people in it. So obviously faith is important in Texas. Nick says he’s very comfortable in a place of worship, which seems weird for someone who bangs girls on TV.

At home, everyone wants to know if Nick has ever dated a black girl before. I want to know if Constance is aware that her husband is gay. I’m genuinely surprised that this goon doesn’t tell Nick there’s only room for one white in this family after he points out that Nick is in fact, WHITE. WHO KNEW?!

rachel

The rest of the date is a bunch of interracial couple chat and Rachel’s mom using the term “elephant in the room” way too much. The only real elephant in this room is THE FACT THAT RACHEL HAS ALREADY BEEN ANNOUNCED AS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE AND THEREFORE CANNOT WIN AND THEREFORE IS WASTING OUR G-D TIME.

Miami, FL with Corinne

Corinne takes Nick shopping so we can have a 90’s dressing room montage via Rodeo Drive. If only they also played this jam.

They’re going to take everything because Corinne owns a multi-million dollar business DUHHHHHH. After treating Nick to $3000 worth of deep V’s and short shorts, Corinne tells Nick she loves him. He responds with his tongue.

screen-shot-2017-02-20-at-10-07-36-pm

FINALLY we get to set our peepers on the highly critically acclaimed RAQUEL. Corinne tells her family that everyone razzes her about having a nanny. Quick to come to her defense, Corinne’s mom says that she couldn’t do a lot of things without Raquel rrrriiiiiight as Raquel hands her a glass of wine. Mama needs her juice and she’s NOT about to pour that shit herself! In a shocking turn of events, Raquel is allowed to sit at the dinner table with them. Wowowowow. She really IS part of the family!!! In other character news, Corinne’s dad is straight out of Goodfellas complete with the open shirt to show off the chest music and a gold chain. Corinne and daddy lay on the bed together to catch up, you know, because that’s not weird. They chitchat about how Corinne told Nick she loves him because they’ve been dating for a whole month and that’s basically an eternity in Corinne’s love life. Daddy asks if Corinne would be comfortable making all the money in their relationship or if she thinks Nick can provide for her. Corinne being the breadwinner in any relationship is downright terrifying. Does this mean she’ll be booking more 2Chainz music video cameos so she can afford to buy Nick all of the overpriced pastel tees in the world? One can only dream.

corinne

Nick gets real with Raquel while Corinne and Daddy talk business in bed. I wish I could tell you what Nick and Raquel talked about but there was a REAL language barrier here and it would’ve been an ideal time to slap some subtitles on the screen for those of us at home. I’m pretty sure Raquel gave Nick her blessing, which is only the HIGHEST of honors. Papa goombah then gives Nick some aged scotch that he probably took one sniff of and had to fight back tears as they talk about life, love, and the thumb grip on a rocks glass.

Montreal with Vanessa

Vanessa brings Nick to her “job” at a “school” where she forces her students to make a scrapbook of pictures of her and Nick. Yeah, ok. I can be a teacher too! Hey kids, I just moved into a new apartment and I’ll need help hanging my wall decor. Come on over and do it for me, I mean, learn about carpentry and interior design! Obviously Vanessa wears leather pants, a fur vest and a lace up top with her tits out to work everyday*.

vanessa

*when she pretends to work at a school and cameras follow her there.

Nick meets Vanessa’s mom’s side of the fam later, who clearly need to prove that they’re Italian by serving manicotti and shouting MANGIAMO before sitting down. Vanessa’s family is going through a real identity crisis with their languages. They use cliché Italian words, her gremlin little bro has a French accent, and her sister has a Canadian accent. FIGURE IT OUT. Pick one accent and stick with it. Vanessa’s sister tearfully threatens Nick and everyone seems a little too overbearing and judgmental of Nick and Vanessa as a couple. It’s almost as if Vanessa hasn’t told them that she’s just doing this to advance her acting career and it doesn’t matter if Nick doesn’t want to move to Canada.

At Vanessa’s dad’s house, there’s more drama because of Nick’s go-to move this episode, which might be worse than Higgins telling two girls he loved them. Instead of waiting until the end to ask each girl’s dad for his blessing, Nick decides to throw Bach rules out the window and ask every single dad. It’s a snake move, which we should expect nothing less from the snakiest Bachelor whose engagement won’t extend past the season finale of the show. He’s just keeping his options open of course. Instead of pigeonholing with one dad’s permish, midas whale take a poll and see which one reacts the best. I know if a stranger came to meet my dad and immediately asked “if this relationship were to progress and I maybe felt like proposing to your daughter, would you be kewl with that?” Den would be like SOLDDDD! Every happiness to ya both.

Either way, Vanessa’s dad wasn’t sold and he immediately narc’ed to his daughter that Nick’s asking this question of every dad, which makes Vanessa feel like a piece of trash blowing in the wind. She decides that she needs to talk to Nick about this…next week of course because we’re back to this “to be continued” bullshit. Also next week: Andi makes a sorpresa scripted viz because her book sales are dropping. Does it sound like I’m over this season or am I doing a good job of masking my disappointment? Don’t answer that.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Nick Wears Short Shorts

stupidhair

Let me kick this bitch right off by saying that I knew this show was a crock of shit, but I don’t need to be hit over the head with it every time I watch. For example, if you announce the next Bachelorette before she’s even bumped off the show WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO WATCH ANYTHING SHE DOES ON THE SHOW KNOWING THAT SHE’S NOT GOING TO BE PICKED? I’m fired up and I’m not sorry bout it. This season has been so heavily produced that it has turned into an outrageously boring show. Nick cries, a couple of actresses cry, nobody does anything. There you have it, I’ve summed up every ‘sode this season. But since I’m not a quitter…let’s break down how Nick pretended he is one.

Nick doesn’t even shed his white Keds for a daunt on the beach with Chris Harrison where he says he doesn’t think he could possibly go on being the Bachelor. Chris Harrison, rocking the beachy casj, nods and stares at Nick, as one does to a child when you want them to work themselves through a fit. At the same time, the girls who are too heartbroken for Nick to even put on a stitch of makeup, cry at the house and wonder what their life will be like when this show ends. A lot of Instagram ads, ladies. A LOT. Dramatic music plays AAAAANNNDDD Nick decides to stay after all, because like he’s under contract. The reward for making this fake decision is a trip to another island. And more Nick man thigh.

Let’s Go Deeper…with Vanessa

Nick tells Vanessa he feels like he knows her but at the same time he like, doesn’t know. Deep. Vanessa likes making out with Nick under water. Corinne feels like there’s nothing deep about Vanessa other than her special ed job (aspiring actress) and her Italian family. This is funny coming from Corinne because she’s a shallow dumbass who once starred in a rap video heavily medicated. Are you following?

Later, Vanessa tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him and he diplomatically responds with “I really, really like you.” I’m glad someone learned a lesson from that dopey Snuffleupagus otherwise known as Ben Higgins. Probably the first smart thing Nick’s done all season. Vanessa’s feelings are hurt because she doesn’t know how this show works.

Let’s Jump In with Both Feet First with Corinne, Kristina & Raven

Corinne and Kristina compete to be the hottest yacht hoe. They both slow strip tease but Nick chooses Kristina to give the ole sunscreen rubdown so Corinne almost hurls herself into shark-infested waters. My favorite thing about this date is the girls leaving their hair down and then being forced to casually prevent it from attacking their face while also looking sexy. Kristina cries because she’s afraid of sharks and Nick comforts her obviously. That’s what you get when you come to live life in color, BITCH! (I’m sorry. I think my Bach bitterness is getting out of hand. I’ve got nothing against Kristina, I’m irrationally taking out my anger on her.)

screen-shot-2017-02-13-at-9-58-17-pm

Corinne, still mad about watching Kristina get suntan lotion fingerblasted, decides to get all sorts of F’ed up for the nighttime date. I’m guessing Nick isn’t into his ladies having bloodshot eyes so he talks to Kristina first. He cries and at this point I don’t even know why. It’s just his thing. Corinne eats a buttload of cheese and adopts a new insufferable habit of referring to herself in the third person. In one of the weirdest and creepiest moves of the night Nick rebounds from crying straight to asking Raven if she calls her dad “DADDY.” WHAT. Raven answers yes and therefore she gets the rose.

Let’s Ride Off into the Sunset Together with Danielle

Danielle says she misses riding a bike and Nick replies, “yeah it’s just like a swing.” What…on this planet…makes a bike and a swing similar?  They interrupt their bikeride to stop and play pickup basketball with a bunch of kids. I’m REAL mad at those little shits for not boo’ing Nick directly off the court for trying to ball out in that outfit. White boy CAN’T jump. Anyway, turns out Danielle’s a real dud and they can’t find anything to talk about other than bikes being like swings…and how they’re both just two Wisconsin kids who immediately moved to other places and tried to be famous. Since this date is like watching Wisconsin cheese age, Nick cuts his losses with whispery Danielle (who also might DEFINITELY be on drugs.) Danielle declares that she’s not good enough and the camera zooms in on her top notch wedgie as she stands up to leave. Cameraman done you dirty, Danielle. Farewell to you and your bunched undies.

And the moment we’ve all been waiting for since they teased it roughly 6 weeks ago…Corinne gets her platinum vageen on and rolls up to Nick’s hotel room (not looking her best might I add) and they close the door to the bedroom. Nick goes “what did you have in mind?” like a WIENER. I think she came over with no underwear on to play Parcheesi, Nick. EYE. ROLL. But then he says no means no, cause you know, rehabbing the image. Corinne wobbles out on her Bambi legs and gets confused about where to exit. She JUST WANTED TO DO SOMETHING NICE!

Let’s Get a Taste of the Local Flavor with Rachel

They hang out and talk about how Rachel’s never brought a white guy home to meet the fam before. I ignore this entire date because it doesn’t matter now that Rachel has been officially announced as the Bachelorette in one of ABC’s DUMBEST PR moves ever.

Either way, in the end Nick cries some more to Chris Harrison then sends Kristina packing. Solid grace period to wait a week after a girl tells you she grew up an orphan who ate lipstick to survive before dumping her. Gear up for next week where we meet the infamous Raquel and Raven’s DADDY. Wink.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Pretty Much A Disaster

kristina

Little Miss I graduated from Johns Hopkins comes back to pull Nick aside and tell him Corinne is a liar who tells lies. Nick was all, I didn’t send you home because Corinne called you a bully, I sent you home because you haven’t once popped your top off. Good work, Taylor. Pls leave. AGAIN.

Chris Harrison walks in to a bunch of disapproving ladies. Jasmine basically tells him to kick rocks and he’s like before I do, know that there’s no cocktail party tonight. SEE YA. HAH. That’s what you get for treating Chris Harrison like an intruder. DON’T STRIKE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU ROSES. In the first dramatic comment of the night, one of the girls feels a “heaviness in her heart.” Oh, F off.

Roses: Rachel, Danielle M, Corinne, Kristina, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle L, Jasmine, Whitney

screen-shot-2017-02-06-at-10-04-28-pm

WE CAN ALL REJOICE BECAUSE THE J’s ARE FINALLY GONE! And unfortunately, so is Alexis, the only one with a sense of humor. #Gone2Soon. Unlike Jaimi and Josephine who should’ve been gone within five minutes. ANYWAY, the gang is going to the island of St. Thomas so Nick can show off his collection of man tanks and fresh white Keds. One time I got corn rows in St. Thomas so we’ve all made questionable fashion decisions there. The full head of braids really brought out my watermelon colored braces just like Nick’s tanks really bring out his dino arms.

screen-shot-2017-02-06-at-8-57-22-pm

First it’s time for Kristina to get scooped up for a heli ride to a beach. Kristina says, “SLKDJFOWEILSKDfjliEkd” and Nick replies, “Oh you have 8 siblings?” This is how it goes for the entire time. I couldn’t tell you one thing she said but apparently Nick is a really good translator. He rewards himself with a little game of grabass in the ocean.

At night, Kristina tells her back story and it’s preeettyyy heavy (from what I understand.) Like eating lipstick as a child to survive and getting kicked to the curb by her mom for eating her favorite shade of red kind of heavy. At 12 years old Kristina was traveling from an orphanage in search of freedom (“color”) in America. At 12 years old, I was screeching at my parents for not letting me buy the 45-dollar “yearbook” graphic tank from Abercrombie that all my friends were wearing on the last day of school. So yeah, same. She gets a rose because what MONSTER would not give a girl a rose after hearing that story.

While Kristina talks about being a starving and homeless refugee, Lorna the island maid is planted to show how much of a nanny-needing asshole Corinne is. OF COURSE a room at the Marriott comes with a personal maid. Eye rolls for days. Stop being so obvious with your scripting, ABC. We’re not invalids.

lorna

Love’s A Beach with Vanessa, Rachel, Corinne, Raven, Danielle M, Jasmine

The girls do ‘squila shots and play yard games with Nick while he walks around like a T-Rex because who can resist a guy whose go to move is acting like a drunk baby dinosaur. They all cry. I would cry too if I was fighting over this:

A few hours later, after they’ve all taken a page out of Corinne’s book and put themselves down for a post-boozy tears nap to CTFD, Nick apologizes for generally being a wiener and making everyone cry. He spends the evening reassuring everyone that he likes them all equally. I’m guessing he’s crossing tequila off the list forever. He was anticipating a big ocean orgy and instead he got a real sob fest.

danielle-m

And then I had to call the uncomfortable police because things got REAL weird. Jasmine, who realized trying to impress Nick by bulldozing everyone in her path on the volleyball court didn’t work, had a meltdown. It started out with her freaking out about not getting one on one time and took a sharp left into sexual choking territory and I honestly don’t know how we got there. Neither does Nick as she inches her hands toward his neck and tells him she wants to send him to the chokey. The look he gives the cameraman can only be described as a plea for rescue. Also F Jazzy J for ruining a funny Matilda reference that I use from time to time and making it aggressively sexual. The chokey is for asshole kids, not strangling someone while naked. Either way, it’s safe to say Nick was NAHT into it and Jazzy got bounced real quick.

D.Lo vs. WhitDawgz

Whitney is gorgeous obviously but has snuck through the past 5 weeks for literally no reason and it was her time to shine. And by shine we mean, speak her first words to Nick and immediately be sent home so that he could have another one on one with Danielle (or D.Lo as the biddies affectionately call her) without everyone getting pissed that he’s picking favorites. The professional suitcase grabber comes in and everyone is STUNNED. And then ask whose suitcase that even was. What a bunch of morons.

D.Lo and Nick’s date turns out to be a real snooze. One time they danced so, dancing is totally like their thing—and because of it, Danielle is falling in love with Nick. He grabs her hands and she snickers and whispers “my hands”. So I bet hands are also becoming their thing. BUT NOT FOR LONG because Nick stares awkwardly at her then waves the rose in her face as he tells her she can’t have it. The girls see another suitcase go. By process of elimination, they still don’t know whose it is. Nick follows close behind to cry to them about how he had to send so many girls home and he doesn’t know if he can go on. The second most dramatic statement of the night came from Rachel who said, “The fact that he actually came in here has like, rocked my foundation.” Did it also bring a heaviness to your heart, Rachel or is that just when the open bar is cut before a rose ceremony? You can get back to me on that.

And that’s all she choked wrote. I respect the fact that Nick got a little bit of slack on his short-ass leash from producers and started cutting girls left and right because there was a LOT of dead weight this season. What I cannot forgive him for is crying like a lil bitch after he did it. Don’t ever recruit Nick to commit a murder with you. He’ll immediately turn himself in covered in man tears. Next week he proves how real he is by having sex with Corinne’s platinum vageen.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor -No Signs of Intelligency

corinnetaylor

For the record, I don’t even want to recap this episode because it was the perfect example of what happens to The Bachelor when we start the”to be continued” cycle and F everything up. This epi was 1 hour and 58 minutes of paint drying and 2 minutes of drama that IS SUCH A CLIFFHANGER. I’m over it. You hear me, ABC? #OVER.IT. But I’ll still recap now that I’ve laid that out on the line because I owe it to my millions of fans to deliver a weekly recap that makes fun of these dum dums.

We pick up this week with Taylor and Corinne still fighting. Or really, Corinne is hammered and telling Taylor that she has stank face and everyone hates her. To make sure it really sticks, she tells Nick the same thing. To be fair, Taylor DOES kind of have stank face.

tatlor

Rose Ceremony (in the arctic tundra): Danielle L, Kristina, Raven, Whitney, Danielle M, Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine, Vanessa, Alexis, Corinne, Taylor

My girl Sarah was left out in the cold. Literally. Someone toss that girl a coat, she’s as white as Mae!

AND for another week, Nick shits on Bachelor brackets everywhere by sneaking Jaimi and Josephine, the J’s that don’t belong, right on through to the next round. The next round happens to be a TRIP TO NEW ORLEEEEAAAANNNNNNNNSSSS! I mean, it’s better than Milwaukee.  Chris Harrison interrupts the girls jumping on their hotel beds like they’ve never stayed in a 3 star chain hotel before looking fresh as a motherfucker in a linen blazer. He must be cashing mad checks on that romance novel of his.

Where Have You Beignet All My Life with Rachel

Pretty mad at producers for telling the girls how to pronounce beignet before the cameras started rolling because I know good television and it is watching Raven butcher a French word with her hick accent. MISSED OPPORTUNITY. Anyway, Rachel, who if you recall got the first impression rose and pretty much hasn’t done anything since, pretty much feels like she’s on a date with her boyfriend. We know this because she tells us. 3 times. Their date is sssssssuper chill (Nick’s words, not mine). They walk around the market, Nick puts an alligator on his head and says “I want to eat you.” Hawt. He follows up that top notch flirting with eating a beignet like a savage and there’s immediately a drought in my underwear.

Later on, Rachel tells Nick about a funeral she once attended in New Orleans because these girls are conditioned to talk about dead people on their one on one dates. She doesn’t mention who died, but like, does it really matter? Nick consoles her. I want to like Rachel because she seems to have her shit together other than making up stories about jazzy funerals but then she reveals that she calls her dad “Daddy” and I barf all over myself and immediately must hate her. Either way, she’s rosed.

Til Death Do Us Part with Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M, Whitney, Danielle L

screen-shot-2017-01-30-at-9-29-35-pm

Nick takes the gals to a haunted house where we meet a very sweaty caretaker named Boo. Boo, like every hired actor on the Bachelor is a true character. Him and his crazy eyes warn the girls about an 8 year old ghost named Mae who kicks it at this mansion. This is the part of the night where they waste an hour of our time flipping on the night vision cam to watch a bunch of biddies play with a ouija board and run around a staged mansion screaming. Listen, I’ve seen the Saved By the Bell Murder Mystery episode. I know that the killer is always the host. I’ve got my eye on you, Boo. Stay woke.

sbtb

boo

Most importantly, the highlight of the mansion is Mae’s doll, which lives in a glass case of emotion creepy. This doll is more terrifying than any ghost could ever be and suddenly it goes MISSING?! No doubt this thing walked right up out of that glass case and is hiding under a bed somewhere waiting to strike. Cause that’s what dolls do. When I was little my mom had ceramic dolls made to look like my sisters and I. It was meant to be a gift but actually it was a nightmare and it’s no coincidence that as I went to find a picture of it, I saw that I tweeted this exactly a year ago today:

It’s an omen. I wouldn’t be surprised if that one-eyed doll strolled into my apt tonight and slaughtered me. If I know anything, it’s that dolls only really need one good eye to murder.

screen-shot-2017-01-31-at-8-36-44-am

Anyway, back to the morons…after Jaimi puts on a show about not being afraid of nothin, someone muses like a philosopher in the night, “Do you think…like…we’re more scared here than those two are at home?” Cut to Corinne giving herself a face mask and a bubble bath while Taylor sniffs glue. Yeah. They’re terrified.

Danielle M feels like her connection with Nick got deeper because she explored his mouth a lot. She is rewarded with a rose (from under a glass jar because this week we’re shoving Beauty and the Beast promotions down everyone’s throats.) Raven admits to Nick that she’s fallen in love with him. She’s rewarded with nothing but fond memories of Nick’s roller skating skillz.

Meet Me in the Bayou with Corinne and Taylor

Ah yes, the 2 on 1 date that many anticipated and all know the result of. Mental Health Counselor vs. Multi-million Dollar Company CEO. Emotional Intelligence vs. Intelligency. Stank Face vs Boobs. Tale as old as time. (See what I did there? Beauty and the Beast plug like a MOFO.)

screen-shot-2017-01-30-at-8-49-11-pm

They go on a ride through the bayou to a clearing where a “voodoo priestess” wearing a woven fedora and a gauzy maxi skirt talks about spirits or something. Boo was more riveting than this chick. The lady doing the reading is wearing a triangle bandanna that I used to rock (attached to a headband) ala MK&A’s clothing line from Walmart. These costumes are downright ridiculous. Regardless of the out of style headwear, Miss Cleo senses a lot of tension amongst the three because, like, she’s a professional. She plays Go Fish with each girl so Nick can hear both sides of the catty story. Corinne says Taylor bullied her, Taylor says nothing because her face is permanently stankin.  Obviously Nick chooses Corinne because we have yet to see her platinum vageen (shoutout to this season’s previews for killing the suspense of this date.) Taylor decides to get a backbone, and some help from the hired voodoos who cover her in water(?) oil(?) whatever, she comes back with a vengeance. I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN!!!!!!!

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Can’t Escape the Poop

bachnick

Now that we’ve been blessed with one “to be continued”, we will start off with rose ceremonies for the rest of the season and end with the dumbest three words a TV show could end with. Obviously this will be continued, we’ll see you same time, same place next week, ABC. You’re not building tension. Especially, when we’re back to watching Corinne sleep while everyone talks shit about her. She “sleeps” with a serial killer smile, probably dreaming of Raquel wiping her buhhole for her.

screen-shot-2017-01-23-at-10-19-43-pm

Nick “I wear a hoodie to a pool party” Viall is still getting a dose of real talk from Vanessa (who if it’s not obvious, is too good for this show #feminism, #womensmarch). Nick tells Vanessa he gives an F what she thinks but wants her to be more patient with Corinne, specifically until hometowns when he can determine whether picking Corinne comes with unlimited amounts of Raquel’s cheese pasta. Sarah and Taylor crawl into Corinne’s bed to wake her up from her nappie and aggressively tell her to pull it together. This is really well accepted, Corinne apologizes, and everyone braids each other’s hair. Just kitten. Corinne throws a grade A bitchface, then uses her confessional to shout YOU DO YOU and IMMA DO ME a bunch of times. Don’t cross Corinne or she turns into a G, apparently. (After she’s had a full 12 hours of rest of course. Wiping the sleepies out of her eyes during the rose ceremony this week was a liiiiitttle much.)

Rose Ceremony: Danielle L, Vanessa, Rachel, Raven, Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Jasmine, Alexis, Astrid, Danielle M, Jaimi, Josephine, Sarah, Corinne

As the ladies reassure each other that they’re there because Nick sees a future with *each* of them, Chris Harrison enters with some riveting travel news. The girls are about to globetrot, first (probably only) stop: Milwaukee, Wisconsin. They all react like they’re going to Paris. Which is cute, and also sad. On the Nick front—there’s nothing quite like bringing 15 girls that you know nothing about to meet your parents! Chris and Mary Viall are nervous for their whiny bitch of a son embarrassing himself on TV again. His parents cry and talk about how much they love each other so in turn, Nick cries. It’s a real mess in Milwaukee.

While Nick snots it up with mom and dad, the gals feed some ducks because what else do you do in Wisconsin? Danielle L. gets plucked for a date and the leftovers debate jumping in the pond to drown themselves amongst the ducks. Did I mention how much I love when the bachelor picks a date in person?! So much insecurity, so little time. Anyway, FUN story about Nick, he once jumped in a river for 12 bucks! OMG he’s SO edgy. The hometown deli that conveniently greets Nick as if this was his second home makes “Nick-erdoodle” cookies of Nick’s face. He asks if he gets to eat himself. Gross, Nick. Clean it up. Danielle & Nickerdoodle smush their face cookies and then smush actual faces. But then DRAMA, while strolling through downtown N&D “accidentally” run into one of Nick’s exes who totally didn’t sign a waiver and mic up to be on camera for this bit or anything. Amber the ex has nothing but great things to say about Nick because producers are framing Nick as a good guy now, duh. His good guy façade is tested later on when Danielle goes full on tits out for the boys. Damn, girl. Even though I can barely focus on anything other than her near nip slip, she confesses that her parents have been divorced since she was 17. Not only that, but Danielle slyly adds in “so it’s been ten years” to really hammer home the point that she’s not a child bride like 90% of the contestants this season (FOR A THIRTY SIX YEAR OLD) and I respect the hell out of it. Danielle’s ok in my book. She’s a grown up and a total babe. She gets rosed, cause boobs PLUS the final surprise of more slow grind dancing onstage at a concert, this time to Chris Lane. Kind of a downgrade from BSB, tbh.

screen-shot-2017-01-23-at-10-15-04-pm

Say Cheese with Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle M, Corinne

The entire remaining cast except Raven walk up to Nick breast feeding bottle feeding a baby cow, as if this is business as usual. He’s about as country as “Farmer” Chris was when he did pushups on hay bales. The premise of this date is that the girls have to work on a farm because the farm industry is declining and labor ain’t cheap. Also, if you recall the highly esteemed show The Simple Life, watching privileged girls bale hay and shovel shit is entertaining AF.

parisnicole

Josephine chose her brightest white pants and Corinne sits on a rock in the field—because she lost circulation in her hands whilst digging poop. SHE ALMOST HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. I bet the hospital has prime napping beds, jus sayin. Jaimi’s good at milking the cow; because of course the lez knows her way around a nipple.

After everyone has showered, gotten a blowout, a full face of makeup and put on their tightest dress to show Nick that they can be a farm girl AND a vixen…it’s time to gang up on Corinne. Ya girl Corinne goes from full-on Gloria in Wedding Crashers to telling all the girls to stop talking shit about her and say it to her face. And, they did.

ifindyou

Sarah asks Corinne if she thinks she’s ready to marry a 36-year-old man. Valid question but like, Corinne is being groomed for Paradise and everybody knows it. She can parade around a fake engagement ring on insta all she wants but she’s already got a ticket to the sex island this summer. Then Kristina and Corinne get in a fight but I’m not really sure what it was about because I straight up don’t understand a word that falls out of Kristina’s mouth. What I do know is that this disagreement occurred while Corinne was sitting on a lifeless Josephine covered in a red blanket on the couch. Kristina got the rose but Josephine deserves all the roses for somehow still being on this show AND contributing more to a conversation just by passing away on a couch.

Let’s Kick It with Raven

Nick suddenly transforms into a soccer coach for little sis Bella and her team. He just wants to have a regular engaged couple Saturday with the fam and see if Raven can hang. I just want Raven’s accent to change so my ears stop bleeding every time she speaks. Speaking of that beautiful accent, she uses it to ask Nick’s parents if they had to spank him a lot growing up. What an approps first question for your boyfriend’s parents. Typs soccer game fodder. Raven is a keeper. Bella approves as they bond over blue icee’s at Skateland. Bella’s going to watch this back in 5 years, see that monster blue mouth of hers and be mortified. Kind of like Nick should be for bringing his pre-teen sister on the same show he’s had sex on, twice. Nick and Raven skate it up like a couple of pros. Props to Raven for being that coordinated (and not puking on their date). Later on, Raven paints a Lifetime original movie picture of the time she walked in on her DOCTOR boyfriend cheating on her with a bar slut. Even though it came out…real….sloooowww…I was on the edge of my couch in anticipation during this tall tale. She KICKED the door down and administered a STILLETTO head beating! If “I Know What Her Vagina Looks Like” isn’t released within the year with a terribly cast Raven-lookalike, I will be THE MOST disappointed in Lifetime. Either way, Raven gets a rose because she had to see her boyfriend thrusting over another girl. They sk8 it out.

Cocktail Party

Taylor is a lurking asshole who WENT TO JOHNS HOPKINS and is “emotionally” smarter than Corinne.

johnnyhopkins

Josephine and Corinne basically sit on each other’s laps talking about Taylor and shoving apps in their snackholes at rapid speed. It’s easily the best scene of the night watching these two hungry bitches motor through the passed hors d’oeuvres. I haven’t seen dedication to grazing like that since Chad met his lunchmeats.

screen-shot-2017-01-23-at-10-12-18-pm

To…be…continued….

Standard