Television

Life Lessons from Dr. Mindy Lahiri

The Mindy Project got “cancelled.” I put this in quotes because I’m still holding out hope that it will make a comeback elsewhere but in the wake of the news, I decided to throw together a collection of Mindy’s most relatable teaching moments and the things that we can all learn from leading a life full of bearclaws and Beyonce worship.

1. Don’t hide your fears. This was the most reasonable way I’ve ever seen someone react to a bug. I know firsthand because today on my patio a bee came near me and I screeched at an ear piercing decibel and almost ran through my screen door. Moral of the story, don’t ever repress your fears just because you’re in the presence of a hot guy.

2. Sometimes kids need to be told when they’re being dumb. Realistically this happens a lot…children aren’t the smartest. Big ups for Mindy trying to comfort this little whiner though because I would’ve probably told her to zip it. This was actually a preview into Mindy as a mom and let me be the first to say she will be a great one…fingers crossed we get to see it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYi52m4ydMY

3. It’s important to know your limits. Listen, the fit lifestyle isn’t for everyone and Mindy knew she wasn’t winning Most Likely to Instagram #Fitspiration and #WorkoutWednesday and that’s much more important than actually being healthy. This would have been an ideal response to give to my doctor when she suggested I start walking to the train farther from my apt since I haven’t exercised in six months. C’mon, doc.

4. Work it. If it’s one thing Mindy isn’t lacking, it’s confidence and even when you haven’t showered and you’re wearing bulky layers topped off with a pair of sneakers called Fat Steps, you can still own it and compare yourself to Keira Knightley. Plus she knows it can be intimidating to have the brains and the booty. Same, girl…same.

5. A conversation doesn’t count unless there’s a pop culture reference in it. Mindy may have a doc smart brain, but don’t even think about questioning her knowledge of the Kardashians. It’s important to be the one person in your workplace who brings everyone’s coolness factor up a notch or 100 and Mindy does that with her constant TV and pop music references. Plus what’s cooler than a Lil Wayne costume? Nothing.

6. Know how to dress for every occasion. Whether it’s your first time attending mass in a Catholic church or gym chic, every girl should have a go-to outfit for each environment. If we’re being honest I would prefer to sit behind Mindy in her derby hat at church because then I could read a book without anyone seeing. It’s a win-win really, Mindy is always looking out for others with her fashion savvy.

7. Food is not for nourishment, it’s for enjoyment. What makes life worth living? Having a belly full of candy like a piñata. Probably 90% of the show is Mindy stuffing her yapper full of steaks, pastries and washing it down with sour straws and it makes me feel a WHOLE lot better for bringing in a jar of salsa and a full bag of chips to work on a regular basis for a post-lunch snackin.

8. Set goals for yourself. If you want to be successful in life you need to have something to work for. Career goals are fine, but the real stuff is setting the bar for getting your own fan club, duhs.

9. Wine so hard. Sometimes you just gotta let loose and hit the sauce, just make sure that the sauce is wine and it’s sipped in moderation from your bra. (Side note: my birthday’s approaching and the wine bra would be a phenomenal gift.)

10. It’s ok to not have your shit together all the time. For the times when you maybe let the wine flow a little too freely from your 36B and turn into a slob kebab, it’s all going to be just fine. Mindy has had her fair share of suuuuper embarrassing moments and she’s come out on top still, so there’s obviously hope for all of us hot messes who spend their Friday nights watching a Youtube video of a baby that’s afraid of it’s own fart.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/4/15

1. Taylor Swift begins the 1989 tour in Tokyo with 55,000 people and it’s outrageously over the top. Girl’s got a moving stage, thousands of outfit changes, literal flying paper planes and synchronized the stadium via wristbands that light up to the beat of her music. Did we expect anything less? No. Was I still in awe? Yes. I guess this is why tickets were half a month’s rent. Thanks for making me feel like a poor person, Taylor. Keep traveling the world and performing sick beats in your purple shiny ice dancer fit and flare though. Respect.

TAY WITH PAPER PLANES pic.twitter.com/DJyLcA6Sfg

— Taylor Swift Japan (@TSUpdateJPN) May 6, 2015

No but actually I’ve included a collection of her outfits below because I’ve never seen a better collection of crop tops/bodysuits in my whole life. White crop with knee high boots coming in hot at number 1. (Also Tay really knows her audience in the first pic…)

2. The Mindy Project got the ax from Fox. Sad news but I feel like there’s hope in it being revived online or a cable network…or at least this is what I’m telling myself to stay calm. If I don’t have more Morgan Tookers in my life hanging with baby animals like a weirdo I might lose it.

3. Honest Trailer released a Fifty Shades edition this week. It had the word butthole in it, more than once. I think you know how this made the list. If laughing out loud every time I hear the word buhhole is childish then call me Peter Pan because I don’t ever wanna grow up.

4. The Royal Baby was born BUT did you hear Becks is tearin it up on Insta? Charlotte, Shmarlotte…David Beckham got an instagram on his 40th (forty.holy shit.) birthday and clearly he knows what insta’s all about because he immediately posted a selfie from bed. Yum. Since then he’s been crushing it so you should obviously follow him if you want to drool over his hot bod and hot fam. Here’s a sampling to tide you over.

View this post on Instagram

Good morning and hello! It’s great to finally be on Instagram, been a long time coming but I can’t wait to start sharing all my special moments with you. Thank you for all your birthday messages so far. Looking forward to a great day with friends and family x

A post shared by David Beckham (@davidbeckham) on May 1, 2015 at 10:04pm PDT

View this post on Instagram

I feel a very lucky man #DB40

A post shared by David Beckham (@davidbeckham) on May 2, 2015 at 2:55am PDT

View this post on Instagram

Someone is trying to make daddy feel pretty today after a heavy night

A post shared by David Beckham (@davidbeckham) on May 4, 2015 at 3:17am PDT

View this post on Instagram

Thanks to my beautiful wife for such an amazing day x

A post shared by David Beckham (@davidbeckham) on May 2, 2015 at 2:14pm PDT

5. Stephen Merchant makes me conflicted between laughing or covering my eyes. Obviously creator of Lip Sync Battle is going balls to the wall (I guess literally) so please enjoy his recreation of Xtina and cringe. Also might I add that Talk Dirty NEVER gets old?

Have a weird weekend, playas.

Television

Fresh TV Recommendations

I don’t know if you’ve heard but I watch a lot of TV. My dependence on TV is so serious that when my cable wasn’t working for a week in college I called my dad every single day to cry about it until it was fixed. I was only receiving the God channel that plays actual church 24/7. Yeah it was probably a sign but I refused to accept it. Anyway, since there is unlimited amounts of new shows every few months, I try to expand my palette and I’ve decided to share my findings. From downright trashy to somewhat critically acclaimed, hopefully there’s something for everyone here. Binge away! (Note: Some shows have yet to premiere, but I took it upon myself to recommend them anyway, because I do what I want.)

1. Hindsight, VH1-Wednesdays 10P

Obviously VH1 is not the most esteemed TV network what with their Love & Hip Hop or Basketball Wives or whatever, but they’re trying to get into the scripted TV game and all they really needed to do was start running ads with 90’s music and they had me hooked. This show has a flashback premise, so if you only watch realistic shows it’s probably not for you. Becca (Olivia from She’s the Man) is about to get married for the 2nd time in present day and she’s like hey maybe I’m making the wrong decision and she gets in an elevator and suddenly she’s back in 1995 on the eve of her first wedding and great news she gets to relive her 20’s again and make better decisions this time. There’s a lot of love triangles, Ace of Base and hiiiiideous 90’s fashion, which makes it pretty awesome. Also, great news it just got renewed for season 2, so catch up now and immerse yourself in the velvet and overalls. Sway Factor(s): Hot men (if you’re into that sort of thing) and black chokers.

2. Empire, Fox-Wednesdays 9P

This is more on the critically acclaimed side of things because it’s actually getting good reviews and has a lot of star power behind it. Basically it’s about the Lyon family, who is a full-on hot mess and how they run their successful Hip Hop/R&B record label. Lucious Lyon is the head and a real D-bag, also former rapper/singer and his three sons or heirs to the throne are varying degrees of spoiled dicks. His ex-wife and part founder of Empire, Cookie, just got released from jail after 17 years from dealing drugs and she’s back to tear shit up and be a general sassternaut. Essentially this is the urban version of Nashville, except it doesn’t have tired story lines yet. There’s some drug stuff, and some murdering stuff and some music stuff, ya heard? Sway Factor(s): There’s an actual song that youngest Lyon raps with the chorus “She make that thang go Drip drop, drip drippity drop.” I’ll let you use your imagination to figure that one out. Season Finale is this week but that gives you all summer to catch up before season 2. Also you get to see Cookie wear some of the SASSIEST outfits of anyone on TV ever and lay down some great one liners.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVW5MYlEDlU

3. Lip Sync Battle, Spike-Premieres April 2nd 10P

As you probably know from my JUice a month or so ago, once they announced that the host of this show was going to be LL Cool J, I really wanted to hate all over it. They took a sacred Fallon sketch and turned it into a show with a washed up Kangol aficionado hosting. But damnit, I’m going back on my word because it actually looks entertaining. They released some teaser trailers and clips for it and now I feel like it might be must-see TV. Fallon makes some appearances and apparently Chrissy Teigen is just a fly girl on the sides or something? All I know is that I’m in. Sway Factor: There’s props and costumes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TICKtxrGkiM

4. The Grace Helbig Show, E!-Premieres April 3rd 10:30P

Grace Helbig started out on Youtube with quick webisodes about goofy shit and after watching a few of them here and there I feel like her new show will be fab, which is why I’m raving about it before it has even started. I’m sure this is E!’s attempt to fill the void that Chelsea Handler left behind but regardless, I think we can all agree that E! needs to clean up the huge dumpster fire that Fashion Police created for them. Grace is awkward and silly and makes a lot of inapprops poop jokes. I think you can quickly assume why I love her. Her book released this year entitled, “Grace’s Guide: The Art of Pretending to be a Grown-Up” is a fun read and she gives some great advice. Case in point, her advice for first dates is to never eat something that would upset your stomach… “Let your personality be explosive, not your butthole.” I think she’ll make for GREAT television. Sway Factor: IT’S NOT THE KARDASHIANS. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzdWa9sVE1c

5. Marry Me, NBC (Pretty much already cancelled)

I’m throwing you for a quick loop here by adding in a show that most certainly will not survive past it’s first season, in fact it was basically already edged off the air. I’m doing this because A. if you were a fan of Happy Endings you’ll appreciate it and B. it has witty writing and if you watch it you’ll probably learn some cool new abbrevs. It’s basically Penny from Happy Endings but with a guy who can tolerate her. They’re engaged and living together and have a bunch of weird friends. Plus now we have a sitcom to round out my list of shows to check out. (I’m totally mailing it in, it was really hard to think of a 5th show, judge me, I dare you.) Anywho, the first handful of episodes from this show were actually very funny and although it went downhill real quick maybe it will feed your Happy Endings-less nostalgia.

Sway Factor: The return of DRAMA Derek & hip pop culture references, kick ass relationship goals:

“Annie: Hey bae. Jake: Is bae really that much shorter than babe? It’s literally the same amount of syllables. Annie: But that extra “b” makes my mouth so tired.”

BONUS: The Royals, E!-Sundays 10P

Although I haven’t watched this yet and it is sure to be appointment trash television, I felt obliged to add it to the list because Marc Schwann is the creator and if this show is half as fantastic as One Tree Hill, it’ll be very entertaining. Plus, Brits <3. Good news is that the series premiere was just last Sunday so not a lot of catching up necessary.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Czt1A-9rvyE

Television

The Mindy Project: A Farewell to Peter Prentice

Welp, it happened. Last week’s The Mindy Project bid farewell to Peter Prentice and my favorite BRO-B-GYN is gone forever. Since I know Mindy fans are already missing his absence–mostly his on point abbrevs:

His ability to turn using a g-string as a tissue into a sentimental moment:

And his knack for making a disgusting sexual innuendo in reference to a tub birth:

I’ve pulled together my favorite Peter moments from the show, so crack open a Natty Ice to enjoy the evolution of Fratty Peter.

“Bro Club for Dudes” (2.6)

This is one of our first episodes with Peter as a main character and it starts off with an epic nerf-war, where he takes Mindy as a hostage. It’s a great pre-Mindy&Peter BFFs moment because Peter is literally a child. What starts out as a friendly game of Nerf turns into a real crisis that Peter takes FAR too seriously.

“You’ve Got Sext” (2.8)

Mindy leaves her phone at work and Cliff sends her a flirty text. Obviously Peter and Morgan then take it upon themselves to sext as Mindy and then do everything they can to keep Cliff from finding out it was them, including throwing a party at Mindy’s apt. without her there. This is when we first learn that Peter is a ride or die for Mindy and also really into winky face emojis.

Best Quote: “You know that happened to me for real? Green Key Weekend, Junior year, I aspirated on my own vomit. Chris Farley appeared to me and said “It’s not your time yet.”

“Wedding Crushers” (2.10)

Mindy gets invited to Josh’s wedding and can’t snag a date so she settles for Peter and little does she know he’s Mr. Wedding. Peter looks like a smokeshow in this episode in a tailored suit. He crushes the dance floor and everything goes swell until he’s caught porking the recovering sex addict bride. His excuse was that she threw herself at him and he couldn’t say no, cause it’s her day. Have you seen those fly moves though? Everything is forgiven.

Best Quote: “I can’t spend another Saturday night stalking ex-girlfriends on the internet hoping to find a breast feeding pic. I need to meet someone.”

“French Me, You Idiot” (2.15)

Peter and Brendan DesLaurier go to the Ballet academy to compete for new patients and end up having to sit through a full performance. Peter admits the one thing he can’t stay awake for is ballet and ruins everything when he has a meltdown because the lead dancer takes 45 minutes to get to her love onstage. Pete echoes the world’s sentiments when it comes to ballet and I’ve never been more proud.

“Indian BBW” (2.16)

Pervy Peter comes through in the clutch when he stumbles upon Mindy in a porno during his normal daily browsing. He’s never met a real pornstar up close and personal and is geeking out over being in the presence of Mindy and Tom. He recovers and takes her to Sploderzz to get the video taken down and ends up bro-ing out with the owners who are of course, Dartmouth alums (Fellow D-Bags.) Even though Mindy’s porn wasn’t his favorite because the lighting was bad and there was a female director, he succeeds in getting Sploderzz to pull it off the website. He also finds out about the Mindy/Danny saga and convinces Danny that it’s BECAUSE Mindy really cares about him that she won’t dress up in a girl scout uniform and bang him on camera. Bonus points for Peter doing a Big Bang Theory Sheldon impression in attempts to cheer Mindy up.

Best Quote: “I’ve done way worse things to the practice. Last week I called in a bomb threat cause I was too hungover to come in.”

“Be Cool” (2.17)

Although most of us remember this episode as the heartbreaking and abrupt conclusion to Danny and Mindy Part 1, the airplane kiss, it should never be overlooked that Peter came to the rescue for Mindy at the party in attempts to keep Danny and Mindy together. What other guy friend would let you feed him bad grapes and tell you to sit on his lap (only to break the chair) just to make someone jealous at a party? Plus any time Peter tells Mindy to be sexy and she completely turns him off is pure entertainment (see: Think Like a Peter).

Best Quote: “If I saw my girlfriend go into a bathroom with Andy Cohen I would freak out. We gotta slut you up a bit.”

“Girl Crush” (2.18)

The men of the Schulman & Associates try to do some free advertising and get a better name for themselves so they get a mobile bus and go to the poorer sections of NYC to give free breast examinations. Peter+Spanish+Boob-Touching on a Bus=Gold.

“Think Like A Peter” (2.19)

Mindy decides she needs to act like Peter for a night and have a one-night stand. He takes her out on the town and is her wingman and it’s everything I could’ve hoped and dreamed for. Mostly because he’s so ruthless in pounding the ladies that he dresses the part of a navy officer because Fleet Week.

Click for Clip

Best Quote: “You need to start being selfish. Have you learned nothing from Wolf of Wall Street?”

“I Slipped” (3.4)

Danny tries to sneak on through Mindy’s back door one night without even ringing the doorbell first. Mindy panics and goes to resident sex freak Peter for advice. Peter breaks it down for her with the best analogy ever (see clip below) and forces her to attend sex school with a skeleton, which I think was educational for all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4RFFP5Szeo

Best Quote: “I almost broke up with the girl of my dreams because my waterbed made her seasick.”

“The Devil Wears Lands’ End” (3.5)

FRAT PETER IS BACK. It’s the annual Dartmouth Beer Pong tournament and his bro Pube dropped out last minute so Peter must turn Jeremy into a believable frat bro to compete with him, against Shonda Rhimes. Did I say this was going to be an evolution of Peter? Well guess what it’s not. Because Frat Peter will always have a nice warm place in my heart. Yeah, yeah, I know that he eventually cleans his life up, moves into a nice apt gets a dog named Nicole and some curtains to hide his daily “relaxation”, but Frat Peter’s legacy will live on forever because he kicked Shonda Rhimes’ ass at Beer Pong.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFtSFc6FQJY

Goodbye you beer-loving manchild. May Texas treat you well and may I advise you not to try out your British accent there.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djhL8K7gg74

Country, Television

American Country Countdown Awards Recap

Hey didn’t you guys know that if you’re a country fan you get 100 awards show per year? Well gr8 news, they just added this one into the mix. In it’s first year, broadcast on Fox, it’s an awards show based off of the country countdown that airs weekly via Kix Brooks. (I’m guessing this is a southern thing because I’ve honestly never heard this countdown once in my life). Anyway there’s no better time to air a trial-run awards show than when all the network shows are on break. The format of these awards is that they’re all fan-voted and have been solicited via the artists on twitter for weeks now asking for votes. Each award is announced with 5 “nominees” ranked by how many votes they got and the number one or the winner then performs and accepts the award post-performance. I tuned in (full disclosure: all to see Brett Eldredge perform and win) and decided to recap it because there were some great outfits and great performances…and of course some real bombs. As per usual, let’s take a peek at the highs and lows…but first, a few words about our hosts.

There’s no quicker way to make an awards show a train wreck than to have two country bros who strictly sing about getting high and drunk, host it all. Admittedly, I have been against FGL showing up at awards shows for as long as they’ve been disgracing fashion, country and men all over the world with their bedazzled vests that they consistently don’t wear shirts under. Don’t get me wrong, I love their music and it’s catchy AF but it’s a real struggle to watch these two live in action without cringing a whole lot. Exhibit A, BK and Ty enter the show and immediately strip off layers so that they’re just wearing wife beaters, setting the tone for a real fashionable hosting gig. Then they each proceed to use the word “brother” after every thing that they read from the prompter. (Sort of like the Hulk but a little less rapey.) Don’t worry though, they mention the open bar twice in their intro comments and with that they’ve welcomed you to what will henceforth be known as the White Trash Bash, official name change pending.

Highlights:

-Carrie Underwood starts the show off performing a medley of her greatest hits in a big blue ball gown. She’s wearing a power ring and belting out the high notes as the true hit-maker of country. Also they make sure to pan a camera to her hubby for any lyric that could be emotionally related to their baby.

-Maddie & Tae present for the FGL win/performance and they crush the sparkly mini look and make the creepster Scotty McCreery wish he could get with them. Put that tongue away, Scotty, nice try.

-Reba McEntire wins the very first Nash Icon award, Miranda Lambert & Kelly Clarkson perform a tribute for her but since she ain’t dead, Reba hops right in on the action and the three of them perform “Fancy”. Although I’m not a Reba fan at all, the entire crowd was real into this performance, it was well done and fun to watch the joint bumpin. Miranda looked like a smoke for this performance (she had to make up for her earlier outfit…see “nightmares” list below)

-Brett “Sex” Eldredge wins Song of the Year with “Beat of the Music” and performs it wearing an eggplant colored polka dot button down, top buttons undone much like myself when he took the stage. He is literally perfect. So it’s whatevs.

-Speaking of hot men…Chase Rice–where have you been all my life?

-Although Kip Moore won the Breakthrough Artist of the Year despite the fact that he’s broken through and has been an established country singer for about 3 years now…I let it slide because he played “Hey Pretty Girl” (also an old song..but I digress) and they showed Carrie’s other half singing along real passionately and it was pretty adorbs. Even Carrie looked at him and was like aw that’s cute. (I’m assuming.)

-Lady A performs “Freestyle” plus a little bit of “Bartender” in front of the OPEN BAR, BROTHER. I digged it. These three always deliver the goods.

Nightmares:

-Luke Bryan wins Male Vocalist and performs “Roller Coaster.” I’ve had ENOUGH. The next time Luke performs a slow song at an awards show without a backwards hat and suggestive gyrating dance moves I’m going to be forced to turn the TV off. I will not support this for one more second. Get it together, Luke. On a more serious side, (and this belongs on the highlights list) after he accepted the award he gave a heartfelt thank you to the fans and all of his fellow country music stars for supporting him through another family loss a week or so ago and it got teary in here for a moment.

-FGL takes the stage to perform “Sun Daze” and Mullet is wearing a full camo outfit (cutoff obviously & cargo shorts), a camoutfit if you will, paired with red kicks. BK is wearing SWEATPANTS and a wife beater. SWEAT. PANTS. Thanks for dressing up for the occasion, boys.

-And along the same lines as super yucky outfits, Miranda performs a new song “Platinum” wearing a tacky sparkle slouch neck and knee length, acid washed, jean skirt. The song doesn’t do it for me but also I sincerely hope that no one expected me to focus on anything other than that abomination of a skirt. (She got the memo and pulled that shit together real quick for Reba’s performance.)

-Miss America or as we all know her, the girl that won a pageant by stealing the “Cups” scene from a movie that’s two years old, presented an award. Also FGL couldn’t pronounce her name. Shocking turn of events.

-Hunter Hayes is out past his curfew to present Album of the Year (Eric Church wins). Side Note: I’ve officially never seen Erich Church’s eyes because they’re always secured behind a pair of aviators because the sun never sets on cool?

-FGL swiftly ruins Christmas, or turns it into a holiday that Eddie from Christmas Vacation would attend, when they each turn Santa’s suit into cutoffs and make creepy sexual innuendos about his “sack”(camo of course). I wanted to set myself on fire.

-Vince Vaughn fulfills the quota of person who absolutely doesn’t belong at this awards show. He’s apparently bros with Kenny Chesney & presents the Groundbreaker award to Ken-dawgs.

-There is no music to cut off the “thank you” speeches and it is sorely missed. Ramble city, population: everyone.

And there you have it. I would call it an all around successful awards show with equal parts highlights and nightmares. Until next time…I leave you with this.

The Salty Ju

#NoFilter

Tag Archives: Fox

Life Lessons from Dr. Mindy Lahiri

Weekly JUice

Fresh TV Recommendations

The Mindy Project: A Farewell to Peter Prentice

American Country Countdown Awards Recap