Hand up, I let getting priced out of the Eras Tour sour me on Taylor Swift for roughly 3 years. My last track by track Tay blog was 2022 for Midnights–where I was already coming to the realization that I was burnt out on Tay. When The Tortured Poets Department came out in April 2024 and it was THIRTY-ONE songs long, I had to put my foot down. Respectfully, no. Who do you think you are? Morgan Wallen?! I was teetering on the edge of never listening to a T.Swift song again out of pure spite and resentment. How you gonna tour for two FULL-ASS years and not fix the broken system that was your ticketing where only the insanely rich were able to snag tickets?! If people are flying to Paris to see you because a Euro vacay is cheaper than driving an hour to friggin MetLife, something ain’t right, sis. Obviously I’m still not over it. So imagine fuming every day that we hear about how epic this tour is and how it’s a can’t miss once in a lifetime event and then having a movie in theaters and a feature film length album dropping mid-tour. SALT IN THE WOUNDS, BABE. I needed to take a breatheroni from my Swiftie lifestyle. I also was a little put off by how crazy the fandom had been getting. She writes good songs and is a marketing mastermind, but I WILL NEVER CALL HER MOTHER. Not even if there’s a FIRE.

Ok, I needed to get that off my chest before I say that obviously once a swiftie, always a swiftie, and when the Eras Tour ended and football season was over and she wasn’t being jammed down my throat every five seconds, I was able to heal from this trauma and with the announcement of The Life of a Showgirl, I was ready to be hurt again. A respectable 12 tracks was a breathe of fresh air and now that I’ve listened to it on repeat all weekend, it’s time to bring back one of my favorite traditions (that I started ELEVEN years ago) of making a new Taylor Swift album all about me and telling you what songs are good purely based on my own opinions and musical taste.

1. The Fate of Ophelia.* I’ve never loved a track one this hard since “the 1.” First listen I was head boppin, and by the 50th rotation of the weekend, I was doing full body rolls in the shower. Yeah, you’re welcome for that visz. WHAT A BOP! As a self-proclaimed writer, I loooove the rule of three’s and it’s something I do a lot in my own writing…have you ever read a caption of mine that doesn’t list three things? Probs not. This song is the catchy version of that. Me, myself, and I. The land, the sea, the sky. Your hands, your team, your vibes. A chain, a crown, a vine. INJECT IT INTO MY VEINS. I’d also like to take a moment to pat myself on the back because for someone who retained almost nothing in my 16 years of schooling, I somehow pulled it out of my ass that Ophelia is a Shakespeare reference and I was RIGHT. Anyway, the overall theme of this song is that she was waiting for love and it finally came and thank GAWD because if it didn’t she would’ve gone mad and drowned herself like that sad ole B, Ophelia. And I’d officially like to put it in writing that if my soulmate doesn’t enter my life by December 21st like Starr the very reliable and trustworthy psychic predicted, I will suffer the fate of Ophelia.

Best Lyric: ‘Tis locked inside my memory
And only you possess the key
No longer drowning and deceived
All because you came for me
I love a good bridge and also using the word ‘Tis will ALWAYS make me think of Hocus Pocus (‘Tis firm as stone!) and it is currently HP season.

She dropped the music video over the weekend as well and it is STUNNING. The costumes and visuals jammed into 4 minutes are worthy of an Oscar and exactly why I still love music videos. What a lost art. BRING BACK TRL!

2. Elizabeth Taylor.* When the beat drops on “I cried my eyes violet” ya girl is READY to do a millennial stank face and break it down. Never did I think that the creator of White Diamond perfume who had 45 huzzies would make such a bangerang of a lyric. B2B upbeat songs with infectious choruses and I’m already pulled all the way in to showgirl life. I read an IG comment from someone getting irritated that people are hating on this album and they’re like she’s in love and happy and people who don’t appreciate that aren’t in love or happy. And ma’am, I beg to diff. I’m neither in love nor happy. I’m fighting for my life to afford each very expensive day while also being repeatedly punched in the boob from every bill increasing this month, to my very first ticket, to apparently owing a buttload more taxes from 3 years ago. And YET, I can still enjoy zesty peppy love songs. And THAT is the real life of a showgirl. (Probably. I’ll let you know for sure when I have to start working at a Jersey titty bar to afford rent next month.)

Best Lyric: Don’t you ever end up anything but mine

3. Opalite.* Is it incredibly annoying of me to star the first three tracks? Obviously. But she was in her BAG when she created this one, two, three punch of her tastiest licks on the whole album. Honestly, I could fall off after these three songs easily because in my mind the rest of the album doesn’t compare. Admittedly, I hated this song when I first heard it. BUT I acknowledged that the reason I hated it was also the reason it was a dynamite pop song and everyone else was going to eat that shit right up. I knew I had to get over the hump before I would quickly be just as into it as everyone else. The hump, of course, being the “OH OH OH OH OH!” Rubbed me the wrong way the first time I heard it. But much like a clap break, I know what makes a song infectious and shouty Oh’s is always gonna do it for the gen pop. So far everyone I’ve talked to and every review I’ve scanned has Opalite at the top of their list. Reasons I had to let the Oh’s grow on me? These lyrics speak directly to my soul. Right out the gate with “I had a bad habit Of missing lovers past
My brother used to call it ‘Eating out of the trash.'” DAYUMN, Austin Swift with the diss of the century. One that I needed to hear as I’ve been eating out of the trash for a kewl 6 years now. Will 2026 be the year of the Opalite sky for me?! If it’s not, pls scroll up to item 1 and read what I’ll do. Hint: drown myself.

PS I also love drawing attention to “perfect couples” telling us sad singles “when you know, you know.” That phrase and those couples can F all the way off. See? bitter girlies can still enjoy love songs and be happy for newly engaged lovers because I’m just dancing through the lightning strikes, baby!

Best Lyric: And what a simple thought You’re starving ’til you’re not

4. Father Figure. Not the worst, and not the best. Numero quatro is definitely a hard crash from the dance party that is 1-3, but it’s not a skip, either. It’s got “The Man” vibes in its clear “F*ck the patriarchy” lyrics. Do I ever want to see Taylor fully cross dress as a man for a music video again? In the words of Michael Scott, NOOO, GOD! NO, GOD, PLEASE, NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! But I also laughed out loud when she sang I can make deals with the devil because my dick’s bigger. Not only is she talking about her dick size, but it’s in the chorus?! That’s some grown woman, I say what I want shit. We’ve finally graduated from the Taylor that seemed to be trying out the F word for the first time on Midnights. And while we’re on the topic, my 8 year old niece, a “top swiftie”, basically can’t listen to any song on this album because Taylor is R rated in her thirties and she’s not going back. You want a clean version? She’ll slap you with her dick. And with a whiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other, she’ll lean in real close and whisper, “I’ll protect the family.” And that’s mafioso Tay for you. She’s in her Godfather era. Kinda have to respect it.

Best Lyric: You’ll be sleeping with the fishes before you know you’re drowning

5. Eldest Daughter. As the youngest daughter, I hate this song. Kidding, that’s not why. I hate it because it’s slow, it feels out of place on this album, and it’s trying to do too many things at once. It’s a combination of what it’s like to be the eldest daughter and also an editorial on the state of the internet today. Just pick one topic per song, babes. I couldn’t get on board with this one and it will probably be skipped in future rotations. The beginning of it almost sounds like a late night show host put mean tweets to a piano ballad as a bit. “Everybody’s so punk on the internet” as the opening line? As my niece would say, that’s so cringe 😘.

Best Lyric: And things I said were dumb ‘Cause I thought that I’d never find that Beautiful, beautiful life

6. Ruin the Friendship.* I might be going through heavy The Summer I Turned Pretty withdrawals but the first handful of lyrics I was CONVINCED this song was written about Belly and her boyfriend brothers Jere and Connie. I was like HOW COOL IS THAT?! TSITP uses Taylor songs to score every episode and Tay gives them a wink back by writing a song about their characters?! I was gassed until I actually listened to the lyrics and they took a much darker turn. I guess she wasn’t singing about Bellz keeping it in the family. According to superfans/the internet she’s singing about a friend from high school who passed away. WompWOMPP. Same friend Forever Winter was written about, which is another sleeper hit. Anyway, I digress. I think the lesson learned here is always kiss your friends even if they don’t want it. Unsolicited kissing 4eva.

Best Lyric: But as the 50 Cent song played Should’ve kissed you anyway

*Note: the lyrics from the last two songs really stunk and I struggled with picking just one so I’ll go with 50 cent getting a shoutout because Get Rich or Die Tryin makes me nostalgic for high school and we love a pop culture moment just as much as we still love Fiddy.

7. Actually Romantic. Tay doesn’t do social media beef, she lyrically eviscerates her enemies. I mean, if I was Kimmy K, I wouldn’t have left my house again after Thank You Aimee was released. Now it appears she’s turned her sword (pen) on Charli XCX. I’ll remind you once again that I spent 3 years rolling my eyes at everything Taylor-related and even was in the “her relashe with Travis is a PR stunt” camp basically up until they got engaged. Which means I missed all of this goss that apparently while Taylor was slumming it with that dirtbag Matty Healy, Charli was engaged to the drummer of the 1975. Charli wrote a song “Sympathy is a Knife” where she said she didn’t want to see her backstage at her boyfriend’s show and crossed her fingers they’d break up quick. People assumed it’s about Taylor and now we’re assuming this clapback is about Charli. None of this is confirmed, it’s all hearsay, which is my friggin sweet spot. I love gossip and I don’t care about the environment. (Mindy Kaling quote that happens to fit my brand.) If it’s NOT about Charli, it’s just romanticizing living rent-free in your h8er’s head. And that’s pretty genius. It’s the 2025 version of “why are you so obsessed with me?!”

PS I’m picking up on heavy Olivia Rodrigo “Sour” sounds. I don’t know if that has to do with anything, but I’m willing to bet someone on TikTok will have a 5 minute video telling me it means she hates her too because of a look that was given 5 years ago at an awards show or something.

Best Lyric: It’s kind of making me wet (Oh)
This made me laugh out loud. It’s too perfect. Taunting someone who hates you by saying how much they think about you makes you wet. It’s so disgusting and so amazing and I’m here for the random jarring lyrics she keeps splashing in.

8. Wi$h Li$t. I want to love this song but I really hate when she sings in the high register in breathy porn star voice. Love the sentiment of this tune but wish we could’ve just sung it regular style. Material things don’t bring you happiness, but you know what does? Love and having your football player fiance’s kids, BB! That’s the American dream. Since Travis is beefy and Taylor is super tall, those should be really manageably sized babies that definitely won’t ruin her downstairs forever. Honestly, you can tell it’s past my bedtime if that’s where I just took this very wholesome song about having a basketball hoop in your suburban driveway instead of owning a yacht. SOMEONE PUT HER TO BED BEFORE SHE REFERENCES THE TEARING THAT HAPPENS IN CHILDBIRTH. Ok, goodnight.

Best Lyric: Please, God, bring me a best friend who I think is hot
I wake up every day and pray for this.

9. Wood. Let’s start off by stating the obvious. She sampled “I Want You Back” by the Jackson Five. I don’t have the physical album and thus cannot look in the liner notes to see if she gave credit to them, but rumors are swirling that she didn’t and that there are several songs on this album that sound exactly like other songs. I don’t think the biggest popstar in the world would be that dumb to not admit to sampling or mimicking popular beats, but I’m not the beat police. So I’m just putting it out there and we’re gonna keep it moving.

When I heard the sexual innuendo lyrics to this song I thought surely my Spotify has shuffled me on over to Sabrina Carpenter’s latest album. Because make no mistake, this is a Sabrina Carpenter song on a Taylor Swift album. I respect what Sabrina is doing in the “hot female who likes sex and makes catchy tunes that reference getting banged girl power anthem” space. She’s got her thing. She’s good at it. Only she can get away with an album cover with her on her knees and a “who me?!” expression on her face. Taylor has a completely different style. She didn’t show her belly button for like the first 10 years of her career. She didn’t swear in a song until 5 years ago. She’s amazing at weaving these tall tales in lyrics. This song felt cheap to me. It’s one thing to sneak in a jarring lyric here and there for a giggle, it’s another to make a whole dirty joke song. It felt like it didn’t belong and almost like she got wine drunk with Sabrina and slurred, “imagine if I wrote a song about being dick-matized by Trav!” And then they wrote it in a fit of cocky giggles, but then she accidentally recorded it and released it to the world. Perhaps it was just a bit that went too far. We’ve all been there before. BUT…it’s also got an undeniable 1971 hook that you immediately recognize, which makes you want to shimmy shake despite the horned up lyrics. So I’m truly torn. If you’re feeling spicy at a girls night and need a groove fest then smash play, but I can also understand it takes a particular mood to feel like hearing someone noodle on about their man’s noodle.

Best Lyric: Girls, I don’t need to catch the bouquet, mm To know a hard rock is on the way

10. CANCELLED!* As a certified Rep lover, I can always get down with a song that sounds like it belonged in Tay’s snake bad gurl era. I love when she sprinkles them in on other albums, like Rep Tay will never truly die, kinda like Vigilante Shit. Much like her witchy we ride at dawn hooded cloak days, this one is for the ladies and she’s standing up for cancel culture coming after women more than men. And folks, she’s not wrong. If you’d like a hard example, look no further than Charlie Sheen’s most recent doc, where he details the decades of absolute deplorable behavior between drug use and rampant sex and then turning that drug use and rampant sex into a brand that he legitimately TOURED across the country. Never once cancelled. In fact, that tour sold out. People wanted more. Charlie and Nicholas Cage are drunk/high on a commercial flight in the 90’s, get on the loudspeaker to tell everyone the plane is going down ‘as a prank’ and the cops chuckle and tell them never to do it again when they deplane. THAT’S SHOW BIZ, BABY. If women did that they would be put into a conservatorship under a man for the majority of their adulthood. Oh wait…

PS I refuse to believe this song is about Blake. That would also be like eating from the trash for Taylor. Way beneath her.

Best Lyric: Did you girlboss too close to the sun?

11. Honey. Another meh song for me. Doesn’t quite hit like the others. It does, however, make me think of the 2003 HIT blockbuster film “Honey,” where Jessica Alba plays a white girl living and teaching hip hop in the hood to underprivileged youth. That movie is TENS and if you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor. Soundtrack and choreography are LIT. Even made my highly anticipated Top Ten Dance Movie Montages back in 2017.

Best Lyric: You could be my forever-night stand, honey

12. The Life of a Showgirl Ft. Sabrina Carpenter. HEY! If it feels like the album flew right by it’s because that’s what happens when it’s not THIRTY ONE SONGS DEEP. The titular track features Sabrina (kinda weird to not feature her on Wood, but understand why two girls singing about one girls’ treasure could be confusing) and also uses the exact beat and cadence of “Cool” by the JoBros. I waffle back and forth on loving this song. Some days I’m all in especially because a clapping song is like crack to me and some days we get to that very musical theater riff in the middle and I’m like this is not what I signed up for. If I want a little musical theater, I’ll pop on the Greatest Showman soundtrack and circus-rock my face off. Yesterday, my friend sent me this meme, which is in itself hilarious and I’m here for the mild trolling of Travis being a total dum-dum, especially because they both lean into it:

But also nothing exemplifies that take more than the first line of this song: Her name was Kitty Made her money being pretty and witty They gave her the keys to this city. I mean, we’re looking at one fish two fish red fish blue fish…at best. Which brings me to my main point in addressing all of the hate this album has received in such a short period of time. People are wondering how she could have these long poetic songs with deep literary references and then also put out a song that rhymes kitty, pretty, witty, and city in one line. As if Taylor hasn’t been doing this for her entire career.

Folklore, Red, and Reputation are my top three T.Swift albums and I like them all for completely different reasons depending on where I was in my life and what resonated most with me at that time. I’m not sitting here comparing these songs to the storytelling of Folklore, or the gut-wrenching lyrics of All Too Well because they’re nothing alike. Lots of time has passed. I’m at a different place in my life, one that really just needs some fun songs to beebop along to and feel good. And Taylor happens to also be at a fun, lighthearted place in life. Did I bitch when she put out Lover while I was going through a break-up? Yes, but I still appreciated the album for what it was and found songs I could relate to (death by a thousand cuts.)

It’s just not that serious, people. Sometimes music scratches an itch in your ear and this album does that for me. I don’t care that the lyrics are simple and kinda dumb. I like it and you don’t have to. Plus, remember when you’re ranting on socials about how this album sucks, all your hating just soaks Tay’s undies anyway. 😂 Now excuse me while I order a feather headdress from Amazon and sashay around my kitchen like my favorite IG follow, Justin Anderson, who also appreciates a good pop song with lyrics that aren’t that deep.

https://www.instagram.com/p/DPY_BB3jdJO/

Best Lyric: Do you wanna take a skate on the ice inside my veins?