Tag Archives: Chris Harrison

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Can’t Escape the Poop

bachnick

Now that we’ve been blessed with one “to be continued”, we will start off with rose ceremonies for the rest of the season and end with the dumbest three words a TV show could end with. Obviously this will be continued, we’ll see you same time, same place next week, ABC. You’re not building tension. Especially, when we’re back to watching Corinne sleep while everyone talks shit about her. She “sleeps” with a serial killer smile, probably dreaming of Raquel wiping her buhhole for her.

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Nick “I wear a hoodie to a pool party” Viall is still getting a dose of real talk from Vanessa (who if it’s not obvious, is too good for this show #feminism, #womensmarch). Nick tells Vanessa he gives an F what she thinks but wants her to be more patient with Corinne, specifically until hometowns when he can determine whether picking Corinne comes with unlimited amounts of Raquel’s cheese pasta. Sarah and Taylor crawl into Corinne’s bed to wake her up from her nappie and aggressively tell her to pull it together. This is really well accepted, Corinne apologizes, and everyone braids each other’s hair. Just kitten. Corinne throws a grade A bitchface, then uses her confessional to shout YOU DO YOU and IMMA DO ME a bunch of times. Don’t cross Corinne or she turns into a G, apparently. (After she’s had a full 12 hours of rest of course. Wiping the sleepies out of her eyes during the rose ceremony this week was a liiiiitttle much.)

Rose Ceremony: Danielle L, Vanessa, Rachel, Raven, Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Jasmine, Alexis, Astrid, Danielle M, Jaimi, Josephine, Sarah, Corinne

As the ladies reassure each other that they’re there because Nick sees a future with *each* of them, Chris Harrison enters with some riveting travel news. The girls are about to globetrot, first (probably only) stop: Milwaukee, Wisconsin. They all react like they’re going to Paris. Which is cute, and also sad. On the Nick front—there’s nothing quite like bringing 15 girls that you know nothing about to meet your parents! Chris and Mary Viall are nervous for their whiny bitch of a son embarrassing himself on TV again. His parents cry and talk about how much they love each other so in turn, Nick cries. It’s a real mess in Milwaukee.

While Nick snots it up with mom and dad, the gals feed some ducks because what else do you do in Wisconsin? Danielle L. gets plucked for a date and the leftovers debate jumping in the pond to drown themselves amongst the ducks. Did I mention how much I love when the bachelor picks a date in person?! So much insecurity, so little time. Anyway, FUN story about Nick, he once jumped in a river for 12 bucks! OMG he’s SO edgy. The hometown deli that conveniently greets Nick as if this was his second home makes “Nick-erdoodle” cookies of Nick’s face. He asks if he gets to eat himself. Gross, Nick. Clean it up. Danielle & Nickerdoodle smush their face cookies and then smush actual faces. But then DRAMA, while strolling through downtown N&D “accidentally” run into one of Nick’s exes who totally didn’t sign a waiver and mic up to be on camera for this bit or anything. Amber the ex has nothing but great things to say about Nick because producers are framing Nick as a good guy now, duh. His good guy façade is tested later on when Danielle goes full on tits out for the boys. Damn, girl. Even though I can barely focus on anything other than her near nip slip, she confesses that her parents have been divorced since she was 17. Not only that, but Danielle slyly adds in “so it’s been ten years” to really hammer home the point that she’s not a child bride like 90% of the contestants this season (FOR A THIRTY SIX YEAR OLD) and I respect the hell out of it. Danielle’s ok in my book. She’s a grown up and a total babe. She gets rosed, cause boobs PLUS the final surprise of more slow grind dancing onstage at a concert, this time to Chris Lane. Kind of a downgrade from BSB, tbh.

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Say Cheese with Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle M, Corinne

The entire remaining cast except Raven walk up to Nick breast feeding bottle feeding a baby cow, as if this is business as usual. He’s about as country as “Farmer” Chris was when he did pushups on hay bales. The premise of this date is that the girls have to work on a farm because the farm industry is declining and labor ain’t cheap. Also, if you recall the highly esteemed show The Simple Life, watching privileged girls bale hay and shovel shit is entertaining AF.

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Josephine chose her brightest white pants and Corinne sits on a rock in the field—because she lost circulation in her hands whilst digging poop. SHE ALMOST HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. I bet the hospital has prime napping beds, jus sayin. Jaimi’s good at milking the cow; because of course the lez knows her way around a nipple.

After everyone has showered, gotten a blowout, a full face of makeup and put on their tightest dress to show Nick that they can be a farm girl AND a vixen…it’s time to gang up on Corinne. Ya girl Corinne goes from full-on Gloria in Wedding Crashers to telling all the girls to stop talking shit about her and say it to her face. And, they did.

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Sarah asks Corinne if she thinks she’s ready to marry a 36-year-old man. Valid question but like, Corinne is being groomed for Paradise and everybody knows it. She can parade around a fake engagement ring on insta all she wants but she’s already got a ticket to the sex island this summer. Then Kristina and Corinne get in a fight but I’m not really sure what it was about because I straight up don’t understand a word that falls out of Kristina’s mouth. What I do know is that this disagreement occurred while Corinne was sitting on a lifeless Josephine covered in a red blanket on the couch. Kristina got the rose but Josephine deserves all the roses for somehow still being on this show AND contributing more to a conversation just by passing away on a couch.

Let’s Kick It with Raven

Nick suddenly transforms into a soccer coach for little sis Bella and her team. He just wants to have a regular engaged couple Saturday with the fam and see if Raven can hang. I just want Raven’s accent to change so my ears stop bleeding every time she speaks. Speaking of that beautiful accent, she uses it to ask Nick’s parents if they had to spank him a lot growing up. What an approps first question for your boyfriend’s parents. Typs soccer game fodder. Raven is a keeper. Bella approves as they bond over blue icee’s at Skateland. Bella’s going to watch this back in 5 years, see that monster blue mouth of hers and be mortified. Kind of like Nick should be for bringing his pre-teen sister on the same show he’s had sex on, twice. Nick and Raven skate it up like a couple of pros. Props to Raven for being that coordinated (and not puking on their date). Later on, Raven paints a Lifetime original movie picture of the time she walked in on her DOCTOR boyfriend cheating on her with a bar slut. Even though it came out…real….sloooowww…I was on the edge of my couch in anticipation during this tall tale. She KICKED the door down and administered a STILLETTO head beating! If “I Know What Her Vagina Looks Like” isn’t released within the year with a terribly cast Raven-lookalike, I will be THE MOST disappointed in Lifetime. Either way, Raven gets a rose because she had to see her boyfriend thrusting over another girl. They sk8 it out.

Cocktail Party

Taylor is a lurking asshole who WENT TO JOHNS HOPKINS and is “emotionally” smarter than Corinne.

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Josephine and Corinne basically sit on each other’s laps talking about Taylor and shoving apps in their snackholes at rapid speed. It’s easily the best scene of the night watching these two hungry bitches motor through the passed hors d’oeuvres. I haven’t seen dedication to grazing like that since Chad met his lunchmeats.

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To…be…continued….

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Man Tanks Galore

 

BACKSTREET BOYS, NICK VIALL

If you recall, last week was a “cliffhanger” when Nick sent Liz packing and was FORCED to reveal that he sucks in bed had sex with her already. Nick just wants to be up front with everyone because he was SHOCKED when Back Tat got out of the limo. Or more realistically, he was shocked when Chris Harrison had to take him aside to remind him that he’s boned this girl already. He addresses the ladies that they met at JADE AND TANNER’S wedding (are they cashing in on this like product placement? I hope so) and had sex. Then apparently Nick thinks he’s hosting his own epi of Loveline because he opens it up to a Q&A segment with the ladies. He takes each girl aside to reassure himself and make sure no one is judging his sex life. The girls all think he’s suuuper sensitive and concerned with their feelings, so that worked out a little TOO well. Some girl in a yellow dress talks about how worried she is about Nick’s confession. I literally have no clue who she is. I’m confident ABC just tossed in an extra to fuck with us.

Speaking of jokes, Corinne sneaks upstairs to strip down and toss on a trench coat. She stands in front of the mirror practicing how to flash Nick. All I can do is picture Corinne getting ready to come to the mansion and ordering her nanny to pack an oversized trench coat in her suitcase, for obvious reasons.

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She sashays downstairs in this khaki-colored garbage bag and proceeds to shoot whipped cream down Nicks throat and chase it with her tongue. Then in natural progression, she sprays it all over her boobs and asks him to lick it off. Nick loves that Corinne seems to be very comfortable with her body. YEAH HE DOES. The girls watch from a window in the house and immediately cry.

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Corinne gets interrupted and suddenly the whipped cream can is lying on the cold, hard ground. Corinne runs into the house and sobs that her relationship with Nick is over because he didn’t want to slurp whipped cream out of her lady bits while a bunch of women watched with jealousy. Then she passes the F out and misses the rose ceremony. Nick demands to know where she is as if the girls in the room have killed her and buried her body underneath that giant trench coat. He apologizes on her behalf. If anyone should be apologizing it should be Hailey who wore an actual bra to the rose ceremony and still didn’t get a rose.

Roses: Corinne, Danielle, Whitney, Kristina, Danielle L, Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jaimi, Dominique, Sarah, Alexis, Brittany, Josephine, Jasmine, Christen, Taylor, Astrid

Everybody! with Danielle L. Christen Kristina Whitney Taylor Jasmine & Corinne

The Backstreet Boys shows up at the mansion and the most shocking part about this is that Brian has a disgusting braided tail hanging off the back of his head. C’mon guys, you’re old but you’re still touring. Clean it up. They sing a quick song and all the girls try to sing over them. If BSB is standing 2 feet away from you singing, YOU LISTEN. What a bunch of disrespectful hoez.

The gals hit the dance studio with BSB and Nick in a man tank. Wittle baby Corinne isn’t loving this date because she doesn’t have an excuse to pull her tits out. She’s a bad dancer and she’s not getting enough attention. Not to point fingers, but this Thriller choreography isn’t doing her any favors. Kevin is wearing a fedora and tells everyone to wrap it up. It’s actually insulting to JT (the KING of pulling off a fedora) how bad he looks.

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Jus’ sayin.

At the “show” that night consisting of about 30 people, Nick’s cue to awkwardly jive onto the stage is the lyric “We’re gonna bring the flavor show you how” and I’ve never laughed harder. WHAT a contradiction. Danielle’s claw hands shine the brightest because she wins a slow grind with Nick to “I Want It That Way” while the other biddies glare.

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At the after party, Danielle gets more slow dance and smooch time and of course, a rose. Corinne takes my last and final straw. First she puts herself down for a quick nappie then she wakes up to tell everyone about her nanny Raquel, who does every single thing for her. Most importantly, her nanny makes the best cheese pasta. CHEESE. PASTA. That’s it. I’ve put up with a lot from Corinne mostly because I know she’s this season’s villain and all of her screen time is edited/staged but I cannot any longer. There’s no way producers could’ve controlled the dumb that dribbles out of her mouth. Choreography is not called planned dancing and cheese pasta is MAC AND CHEESE. AND YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF ONE SINGLE BOX OF KRAFT SHAPES, YOU DUMB BITCH. #Done.

“You Make Me Feel Like I’m Floating” with Vanessa

Vanessa and Nick get in a plane that casually nosedives to give them the zero gravity feel. Immediately I assume someone will be blowing chunks. If I were put in that plane I would probably cry hysterically the whole time. They do a weird air jig for a while; run into each other’s limbs a lot and then kiss. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for Vanessa to feel nauseous (or if you’re Sean Lowe: nautious) and puke a little bit. Thankfully for us, she doesn’t projectile but politely Ralphs in a barf bag while Nick literally puts his face on top of hers. Back up, bro! She’s spewing her insides right now. I don’t even want someone in the same room as me when I’m puking, let alone putting his forehead on mine and they met like five minutes ago. Whatever, Vanessa thinks it’s adorbs how caring he is and they make out afterwards. YIKES. I almost had a chain reaction sitch just from watching them have a vom makeout. Gum doesn’t erase what just went down!

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Later, Vanessa compares her grandfather dying to coming on this show because he gave out roses from beyond his grave or something? Nick cries thinking about what will happen if “this doesn’t work out for him.” K. Vanessa tries to pretend she forgot about the rose this whole time, lolerskates. She probz didn’t want it after seeing Nick sob on their first date. She gets it anyway.

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“I’m done playing the field” with Rachel Alexis Astrid Jaimi Sarah Brittany & Dominique

Nick recruits his buds from the Olympics to help the girls run track. They obviously have no idea who these athletes are but put on a clinic of shock when they stroll up. I took a class in college where I had to watch a documentary on Carl Lewis and I couldn’t have pointed him out last night if you had put a gun to my head. Astrid decides to go with a minimal support “sports” bra and the cameraman wastes no time capitalizing on that. Astrid, Alexis and Rachel race for some natural hot tub time in the middle of a high school track. Rachel has hot hands and can’t grab the ring at the finish line, so Astrid, boobs flapping, scoops up the ring after almost stomping Rachel’s hand off and gets into the hot tub fully clothed. What a W for her.

After Astrid’s leggings probably melt off, Dominique has a meltdown because Nick hasn’t paid attention to her at all and this was her first time she was allowed out of the mansion. Instead of using her time to have a conversation and learn about Nick, Dom comes in REAL hot and tells Nick that she thinks he’s not giving her a fair chance. He didn’t pull her aside to ask how she was doing during the date and that was NOT OKAY. Nick says, GIRL, BYE. So that kind of backfired, huh, Dom?

Pool Party in lieu of Cocktail Party

The girls are all horned up, cause pool party, and the minute Nick steps outside, all hands are on his abs. It doesn’t really matter though because once Corinne rises from the dead it’s game over. She surprises Nick with a bounce house and then straddles him inside of it. I asked for a bounce house for my 21st birthday party and my parents told me they had a weight limit. This has nothing to do with Corinne turning a bounce house to a bounce sex den but I needed to bring it up because I’m still bitter about being denied the best party ever and I’ll never stop talking about it. Anyway, after he goes for the two-handed ass grab and all the other girls watch with a Whitney circa The Hills Season 2 surprise face, Corinne goes back to bed because her work there is done.

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Raven tattles to Nick that Corinne has a nanny and doesn’t know how to clean a spoon. TELL HIM THAT SHE CALLS MAC AND CHEESE, “CHEESE PASTA.” I DARE YOU, RAVEN. Then Vanessa wants Nick to know that she saw him “riding her” and she’s judging him. Does he want a wife or just a F buddy? We shall find out next week. One thing I know for sure is that a pukey makeout bonds two people for life, and I don’t think Vanessa’s going anywhere anytime soon.

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Today’s bonus clip came courtesy of Josephine singing made up show tunes to Nick while my ears fell clean off of my head. So thanks for that, ABC.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – HE HELD MY BOOBS!

 

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Always a Bridesmaid with Corinne, Vanessa, Sara, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, Elizabeth & Brittany

Franco is a renowned photographer who wears a geometric print shirt with matching booty shorts and reflective aviators that really bring out his bushy mustache. He tells this group of ladies, “Whoever does a nice job I have a nice……surprise.” In this case I’m guessing surprise equals mustache ride by the way he creepily purrs that.

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Everything is going swimmingly with Corinne declaring that her and her white bikini-clad tits were going to own this game until Brittany strutted out basically completely naked looking like a total dime. Corinne handled it really well; if by really well we mean glaring at her and saying she wanted to punch her in the face. As always, once one girl gets bold and smooches Nick, they all jump on the makeout train. Lacey (always the bridesmaid never the bride) kisses Nick and says he tastes like Danielle. Sexy. Just to reiterate, being chosen as the ONLY bridesmaid and then tasting another girl on your date makes you A TOTAL LOSER, Lacey. In the event that you’re wondering what Franco is up to during all of this, he’s encouraging each girl to kiss Nick while he slowly strokes his D through his loudly printed shorts. During Taylor’s moment he whispers into the breeze, “This is the moment… because I know you from before time.” So THAT’S normal.

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Then we get to the part where Brittany and Nick have a nudie photo shoot in their leaves and Corinne turns into a giant jelly belly. When it’s her turn, she rips her top off and presses her breasts all over Nick in the pool. She then forces Nick to grab her boobs for the “Janet Jackson” pose. He seems uncomfy until about 30 seconds later when Corinne is announced as the winner. Good work, producers. Now every female is questioning if she should show her nipples to find true love.

CORRINE, NICK VIALL

Corinne can totally see her self just falling and falling and falling and grabbing and grabbing and grabbing and HE HELD HER BOOBS, GUYS!!!!!!! Although I wish that was something funny that I wrote, unfortunately it came directly out of Corinne’s dumb nanny-having mouth. (PS I stand by my tweet last night that “BUT HE HELD MY BOOBS” is now my go-to comeback for ever and ever.) Raven questions if Nick is looking for someone who will pop out her tits at any moment. The answer to that is yes and that’s obvious. Did Raven do her research orrrr? Speaking of, Taylor talks to Nick in detail about her psychology degree and Corinne comes to save him because THAT’S THE MOST BORING CONVERSATION EVER. I mean yeah, we hate Corinne and she’s dumb as rocks but like Taylor read the room and find something less snoozeworthy to talk about. Obviously Nick is going to prefer to talk to the minx that will gyrate on his lap instead of the one explaining the human psyche to him. NOT SO FAST THOUGH—Taylor “re-interrupted” and that’s no bueno in Corinne’s book. Because she’s classy. Again, her words, not mine. Yes that’s right, Queen of interrupting who made a point to tell the other ladies that you don’t come on this show unless you want to get interrupted almost stabbed a bitch over getting interrupted. Did I say interrupted enough? Also, Taylor thinks Nick likes her for her brain. Methinks he likes it when a girl rubs her tits all over him because Corrine gets the rose.

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Meanwhile, Liz won’t shut the F up about how she slept with Nick already. Seriously, every sentence that falls out of her mouth starts with “I met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.” Oh DID YOU?! During poolside times, Liz tells Christen that she banged Nick and doesn’t spare any deets. Then she talks about all of her insecurities, which is obviously a good idea to do with a girl you just met, whose competing for the same guy’s affection.

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I don’t remember what this date was called but it was probably a flying metaphor with Danielle M.

Danielle maintains her spot as cute good girl and snags a helicopter ride that landed on a yacht. They’re like, having so much fun and they’re both from the same town. So you could say there are sparks. They hot tub on the yacht, because of course. At dinner, Nick talks about how he’s been on previous seasons of the Bachelorette as if none of us know, and Danielle admits that her fiancé overdosed and died. A liiiitttle deeper than getting rejected on 2 TV shows B2B. Nick respects her more for going through that and she gets a rose.

We Need to Talk with Christen, Kristina, Astrid, Jaimi, Christina, Liz & Josephine

According to my equally as sasshole sister, this is the B team group date including a Russian, a dude, a lez, and a kiss & teller. Couldn’t have summed this motley crew up any better. They go to a museum of broken relationships. This is a special place where everyone donates their crap that reminds them of a breakup and it’s called art. Nick’s addition to said crap is the ring he picked out for Kaitlyn that he didn’t even a little bit pay for and should’ve returned at the end of the season. It’s certainly not crap but it IS embarrassing that he gives such a bullshit emotional speech about it right before he participates in performance art breakups.

In order to get in the mood for acting, the group watches other couples pretend to break up and Nick literally sits there eating his fingers like a giant weirdo. The girls show us what you would’ve immediately assumed upon looking at them: they’re terrible actresses. Why else do you think they ended up on reality TV to become stars? Josephine slaps Nick silly and tries to kiss it better. The only thing that will make that better is Josephine actually breaking up with Nick and disappearing forever. Jus sayin. Liz goes the dramats route and reads a speech from her diary about how they met and how it made her feel. It gives Nick ALL the uncomfies. Nick is butthurt that Liz made that news public but I think he overestimated how smart this group of girls is because none of them caught on that this was a non-fiction piece. They were all like whoa Liz got really deep with her part, BRAVA!

Later on, Christen takes her first opportunity to narc on Liz during her one on one time with Nick. I mean she was calculating that moment since the second Liz spilled the beans. Obviously Nick wasn’t LOVING that the girls were talking about the drunken night and that can only mean one thing: he sucks in bed. Jaimi dated a girl once because OF COURSE the girl with the septum piercing who walked in on night one with the phrase I’ve got balls is also a little lez. And finally, Nick tells Liz to kick rocks and DRAMATIC TWIST; he is forced to tell everyone that he wedding boned her. It’s to be continued because there are just not enough hours in the night to cover the meltdowns that will result from this news. No rose ceremony but we do get a bonus scene where Alexis celebrates her boob birthday and they eat boob cupcakes togets. Keep doing you, Alexis. You fake-boobed dolphin aficionado, you.

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Television, Uncategorized

The Bachelor – Fourth Time’s A Charm

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“We’ve got a shark that thinks she’s a dolphin, so that’s a concern.”

I tried to approach this season of The Bachelor with an open mind. (I didn’t try that hard) and I got to about 30 seconds in when they have Nick announcing he’s the Bachelor over and over again and I was already enraged. It appears as though his lisp, which was once just for the letter s, now applies to “ch” because he announced he was the next Bassshhler. So, this season is off to a hot start. What I can take solace in, is the fact that everyone on Twitter agrees with me, and since the Bach community is behind me on this one, I feel like it’s sanctioned to hate watch the shit out of this season. Not even a low-angle shot of him getting into the shower 1 minute later could make things better. Although, a gratuitous ab shot never hurts, Nick immediately erased it from my memory when he declared, “I’m gonna give America a happy ending.”

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This year’s round-up of sage advice came from Boring Ben, Farmer Chris and Vampire Sean. Seriously though, Sean came back from the dead for this taping. Chris still has pit stains down to his ankles, so there’s no news there. As my friend so nicely pointed out, I too suffer from hyperhydrosis and shouldn’t be laughing at others, BUT I also don’t go on national TV so like, clean it up Chris. Or at least wear white. Sean barely speaks because he was pulled from his coffin to exist in the harsh rays of sunlight for the first time in probably a year. Chris delivers a couple of insults because he’s a big sweaty bully and Ben is just humble ole Ben, singing the “be yourself” song to Nick. (Worst advice ever, Ben.)

Now’s the part where I break it down by lady because half of these bitches get promptly kicked off anyway and we’ll never need to remember them. If a girl doesn’t get her own blurb it’s because she’s a real snoozefest.

Rachel– This is the lawyer, who after a long day of lawyering loves to unwind with vacuum karaoke. Hey girl, if you love to sing and dance, hit up the bars—there’s no need to drag cleaning into this. At the mansion, Nick and Rach talk about her family, her job and football. He seems way more interested in her than he should be. He also tries to flirt by asking her if she has a favorite uncle. Smooth moves, Nick. She gets the first impression rose and a kiss.

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Vanessa the teacher from Canada, speaks both French and Italian in her intro. We get it. You’re cultured.

Josephine has no business being on this show and also, meows at her cat. As if that wasn’t weird enough, she shows up to the mansion with a book and inside of said book is a cut out with a hot dog in it. A prop she carries from a limo just so that she can tell Nick, “You’re a wiener in my book.” AND THEN SHE ASKS HIM IF HE WANTS TO LADY AND THE TRAMP A RAW HOT DOG. ABC really toeing the line with a little primetime raw-dogging. Did I make that sound more disgusting than it actually was? NO. NO I DID NOT. I had to watch two humans treat a raw piece of meat like it was spaghetti and ruin a Disney classic. Nothing is sacred anymore. Spoiler alert: according to Josephine “It went down real hard.”

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Raven owns a boutique in Hoxie, Arkansas so you know she worked really hard in the fashion industry to see this kind of success so early in her life.

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Corinne still lives at home and makes her nanny bring her snacks like she’s fake Casey from Laguna Beach shouting at Conchita for a quesaDILLA. Her intro video is not unlike Elle Woods’ submission for Harvard Law and everyone should be embarrassed for her. But don’t judge her because she runs a “multi-million dollar” business. Cough cough works for her dad cough. As the front-runner for most hated biddy in the house, Corinne take the first steal of the night AND the first kiss. Everyone calls her a slut all while seething in jealousy. All I really want to know is what that bag full of tokens are for. Cause Nick didn’t even have to pay the toll for that smooch, so what equates to a token with this chick?

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Alexis of New Jersey is so zany that she WALKS TO CVS IN A SUMO COSTUME (when cameras are there.) She’s our ringleader for the dolphin obsession this year and as I predicted in my ranking, shows up dressed like a dolphin. Except she’s actually wearing a shark costume. Classic mixup. When everyone tells her she’s a shark she just makes dolphin noises. Cause like, DUH. SHARKS DON’T SOUND LIKE THAT, GUYS! She’s also really hammy sammied and wades through the pool in said shark costume.

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Taylor is a mental health counselor and also a contestant on a reality TV show to find love. She is a walking oxymoron. Upon meeting Nick, Taylor told him that her friends think he’s an asshole. You sure know how to win a guy over, Tay!

Liz is the doula who I judged a little before the season because she talked about birthing her niece and that’s kind of gross. Plot twist: what none of us knew is that she was Jade’s maid of honor and actually already had wedding sex with Nick. Naturally Nick doesn’t remember her at first until Chris Harrison pulls him aside to tip him off, because we’re not allowed to think Nick is a douche anymore now that he’s the Bachelor. Even though Liz should be a little peeved that her drunk one night stand was not one for the books, she says more than once: “I’m kinda glad that he doesn’t remember we had sex, it keeps the mystery.” Liz is obviously pulling the classic if I act like a chill girl on TV, guys will want to date me. Because if someone big-timed me like that I would go apeshit. During their hang later on, Nick spin-zones not remembering into WHY DIDN’T YOU EVER CALL ME? By the end of the episode it becomes very clear that Liz will tell everyone in the house that they had sex to get the upper hand. Especially when she goes on and on about how she’s not worried about other girls kissing him because she did it 9 months ago. Def don’t worry about it Liz, it was a ReALLy memorable smooch. (PS, You’re CRAZY!)

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Danielle L. put her tits out for Nick and that’s all you really need to know.

DANIELLE L., NICK VIALL

Christen stands out in my memory because she was dressed like a neon banana, did a weird 10 second dance with a fan then asks Nick if he thinks she’s crazy. If you have to ask…

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Ida Marie does a trust fall in crop coords and I don’t hate it.

Olivia is from Alaska so she gives an Eskimo kiss. She then takes off her fur coat and tosses it at Nick. I think it was supposed to be sexy but it kind of just came off like Nick worked in coat check.

Sarah wears running sneakers because he’s “not a runner up to her”…OK girl. Also has a front tie on her dress that drives me nuts.

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Jasmine G. brings Neil Lane with her, who promptly gives Nick the most half assed hug I’ve ever seen, and she shows her engagement ring preference “to get it out of the way”. It’s a cocky move that I almost respect until we cut to her crying when she can’t get time with Nick like a little baby bitch.

Hailey drops the line of the night when she says, “Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says? Neither do I.” Methinks Nick liked that one because he immediately is like ok yes let’s get another hug in there! It’s almost like these girls know that Nick is easy…

Danielle M. seems like she’ll be taking on the role of wholesome girl this season. She’s pretty, she takes care of babies as a Neonatal nurse and they have a deep convo about it later where Nick wonders if she works in a hospital or like, out of the basement of her home or something. It was touch and go for a minute when they first meet, fight about who makes better french toast and Danielle feeds him a glop of syrup with her fingers–to which Nick says, I trust that your fingers are clean. YIKES.

danielle

Jaimi-“You have some balls and so do I.” Pulls out a nose ring. Well that’s one way to kill a boner. Another way is by walking into a room full of girls and saying I HAVE BALLS! Preeetttyyy sure every girl in that room counted Jaimi out for their competition. As they should have.

Susannah gives Nick a beard massage and teases, “there’s more where that came from.” She did not get a rose, so I think it’s safe to assume her beard massage game is a D- at best.

Lacey rolls in on a camel and says, “I heard you like a good hump.” Camels aren’t sexy Lacey, and neither are you.

And if I may, let’s end this recap with proof that girls are assholes. First off, the biggest drama of the night was that too many girls were in red dresses. It started off as like 2 or 3 girls wearing red and everyone being like OmG twinnnies and red sisters for lifeeyyyy, boooooo ❤ Two minutes later another crimson girl rolls in and suddenly there’s murder in everyone’s eyes. “WHO THE F does she think she is wearing the same color as me????” Is what literally every girl in red is thinking. Glad we can keep it real though. #SoulSisters #LadiesinRed #SalsaGirlEmoji. Of course we also can’t forget about Shark-who is having an identity crisis as a dolphin-girl, who was the talk of the house (once everyone stopped yapping about their matching dresses.) At one point some biddy actually pointed at shark girl and slurs “sheee’s my spirrrittt animallllllll!” And another one goes “yaasssss omg I’m loving thisSssSs.” She wasn’t. Every one of these girls was judging Sharkey and thinking she looked stupid. And yet they told her she was killing it–which is why you should ALWAYS keep your head on swivel when you dress as a Super Bowl halftime joke from last year and walk around making high pitched dolphin noises. The more you know.

 

Roses: Rachel, Vanessa, Danielle L, Christen, Astrid, Corinne, Elizabeth, Jasmine G, Raven, Kristina (babbles with tears through the whole rose ceremony then gets a rose), Danielle M, Sarah, Josephine, Lacey, Taylor, Alexis, Hailey, Brittany, Dominique, Jaimi, Liz

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor S21: Ranking the Contestants

CORRINE, RAVEN, SARAH, LAUREN, LACEY, SUSANNAH, ANGELA, DOMINIQUE, ALEXIS, ELIZABETH W., KRISTINA, OLIVIA, BRIANA, NICK VIALL, DANIELLE M., WHITNEY, JASMINE, JAIMI, IDA MARIE, VANESSA, TAYLOR, HAILEY, RACHEL, BRITTANY, ASTRID, CHRISTEN, JOSEPHINE, ELIZABETH "LIZ", MICHELLE, DANIELLE L., JASMINE G.

I’m gonna be real up front with you guys, because I’m just an honest gal, but I cannot stand Nick Viall. He was immature on Andi’s season when he shamed her on live tv for “making love” to him, and he acted like a 2 year old on Kaitlyn’s season when he made her O with the mics still on and then gloated about it to Shawn B. I don’t feel bad that he hasn’t found love, he’s a whiny famewhore that I don’t care to see on my TV ever again. Luke deserved to be Bachelor and everyone knows it. Ok. Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest this should be a wild season. Not only because our leading man has a hardcore lisp and cries a lot on TV BUT ALSO because apparently his fetish is dating girls with an average age 10-12 years his junior, who fantasize about being mermaids and dolphins in their free time. Hold onto your fins..let’s dive right into this season’s gaggle of biddies.

By default, any female who wrote that she wanted to be a dolphin or Ariel has been clumped in my bottom rankings because ENOUGH. Also I looked back at last year’s ladies and 2 of them wanted to be dolphins as well so like where is this passion coming from? Dolphins rape people and everybody knows it. Especially me, because I googled it after  meeting a dolphin who was getting a little too fresh at the Clearwater Aquarium in Florida. Ironically, the dolphin’s name was Nick. True Story. Evidence below:

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Susannah, 26

susannah

Wants to be Ariel for her “AMAZING” hair and seashell bra.

Lauren, 30

lauren

A nice change of pace, the ONLY Lauren this season, but still wants to be a dolphin. Cause, like they’re cute AND smart.(Also her fave movies are Step Brothers and Hocus Pocus, which makes me WANT to like her but she had to ruin it with the dolphin love.)

Briana, 28

briana

Ya girl Bri wants to be a dolphin so she can do flips and be cute. She ALSO wants to be Ariel because she has great hair and a hot boyfriend. Although I agree that Prince Eric is the hottest Disney leading man at best (Aladdin is #2 obv.) it still doesn’t change the fact that both of these answers are dumb AF.

Astrid, 26

astrid

Astrid is a “Plastic Surgery Office Manager”, whatever that is. Not only does her job sound completely made up, but her reasoning for becoming flipper is so she can do tricks and RESCUT LOST SAILORS. On what planet do dolphins rescue sailors? Did she mean rape them? Just wondering. Astrid ideally would not like to work a day in her life (shocker that she’s now in the reality TV game) and wants to be Ariel (BEFORE she got legs) so she can explore the ocean. Explore away, boo. Maybe you’ll find some lost sailors.

Angela, 26

angela

Angela is a model by trade and a dolphin dreamer by night. She just thinks they’re so playful and sociable. Her guilty pleasure is licking the popcorn bag. So to run that back real quick, she’s paid to be pretty and skinny and one of her pasttimes is licking hot butter and salt off of paper. Sign me up to be a model as well. I’ll crush it.

Alexis, 23

alexis

Alexis is “an aspiring dolphin trainer” and therefore attempting to turn her dolphin fantasies into a career. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that she’s the nut that shows up in a dolphin costume on night one. Can’t wait to see if all of these dolphin loving ladies then follow her around like a cult leader. Alexis’ ex boyfriend once told her she had a mustache which is really embarrassing but not as embarrassing as wearing a dolphin costume that everyone on twitter immediately assumed was “Left Shark” when the above group photo was released. And so ends our dolphin and mermaid segment of this blog.

Jaimi, 28

jaimi

Jaimi will eat Nick Viall for dinner. Jk he’s not a fish or a bird. J here is a “Pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian”. If that doesn’t make you immediately want to say goodbye to her, let’s talk about how she impresses guys by bench pressing them with her legs. Hawt. Lastly, she catered the Oscars–which I can only assume means she delivered the pizzas?

Taylor, 23

taylor

Taylor is 23 and her favorite clothing designer is Forever 21.

Josephine, 24

josephine

Jo here felt the need to point out that she’s 5’7 3/4″ BECAUSE THAT 3/4 OF AN INCH CLEARLY MATTERS and wishes she could be Stephen Hawking. When you’re bound to a wheelchair, how will people know that you’ve got that extra 3/4 inch on ya? Just wondering.

Rachel, 31

rachel

I’m guessing Rachel is already too old for Nick and also could probably toss him over her shoulder looking at those Michelle Obama gunz she’s rocking. She’s a successful attorney and points out how much she focused on her career. Obviously someone this driven cannot commit to being famous for nothing for the rest of her life so it’s not going to work out. Unless of course, Nick has decided he needs a breadwinner while he extends his five seconds of fame into FAR TOO LONG. (Still not bitter.)

Liz, 29

liz

Liz is a doula, which means she pulls babies out of other women’s vaginas (typically in their home). She birthed her niece and let me be the first to say that I never ever want to have my hands near either of my sister’s vaginas so this raises a red flag for me. In a little fill in the blank quiz, Liz admits that if she never had to “kill somone” she’d be happy. UH, SAME? Always hope you won’t have to commit murder in your lifetime. Seems reasonable.

 Olivia, 25

olivia

Olivia is an “Apparel Sales Representative”, which is the Bachelor way of saying she works in retail. Hey guys, JUST SAY SHE WORKS IN RETAIL!!! It’s ok! We all know everyone quits their jobs to go on this show anyway! Liv was the kicker on her football team in high school and cried so hard during her first maid of honor speech because it was so bad that she had to take a TO in the middle of it. Not a great highlight reel so far.

Lacey, 25

lacey

Out of everyone living or dead, Lacey chose to have lunch with Joe Jonas and now she is dead to me.

Sarah, 26

sarah

The wildest thing Sarah ever did was move to NYC with “3 bucks”. So Sarah was clearly once homeless because I don’t know anyone with 3 bucks to their name who doesn’t sleep on a park bench at night.

Jasmine G, 29

jasmine-g

Jazz is a pro BBall dancer, which is a super cool job–then she compared herself to Guy Fieri.

Raven, 25

raven

Raven’s favorite actress was Brittany Murphy (WHEN SHE WAS ALIVE LOLOLOL) I’d love to get her hot takes on the Lifetime unauthorized Brittany Murphy biopic.

Vanessa, 29

vanessa

Another Canadian in the mix, V is 5′ 3 AND A HALF”, if she could be any fruit or veggie she chooses onion and her favorite gift was a promise ring. I don’t think she’ll make it past the first night.

Ida Marie, 23

ida-marie

WHAT a name. Ida Marie eats cheetos with a pickle. I love cheetos, and I love pickles, but I nearly barfed that the thought of mixing the two. Clean it up, IM.

Corinne, 24

corinneCleavage Corinne over here is in the process of lasering off all of her tats. It should be illegal for her to tell us that and not give the juicy deets of what she regrets inking, accompanied with pictures.

Kristina, 24

kristina

Instead of keeping it light and fun in her bio, Kristina gave us a peek into her past by saying she’d like to be her mom for a day to understand why she chose alcohol over her kids. She was an orphan and is grateful for her parents adopting her. We will obviously hear her entire history on night one. Also, on the bright side–when asked who her favorite designer is, she said herself.

Whitney, 25

whitney

Whit lives life with no ragrets, Tim Riggins style and really wants to be Gisele so she can be a model AND married to Tom Brady. Get in line, girl.

Danielle M, 31

danielle-m

Danielle lost her fiance and moved to Nashville to start over so she will be pegged immediately by producers as the damaged one going through a hardship. If we’ve learned anything it’s that you don’t want to end up like Kelsey Sanderson Poe, who scripted her time on the Bachelor better than a trashy lifetime movie.

Elizabeth, 24

elizabeth

Elizabeth wants to be BOTH Britney Spears and Kate Middleton. Cause, like, they have so much in common. She also has misophonia which is when you hate listening to others chew. So basically everyone on this planet suffers from that because chewing is supes gross.

Brittany, 26

brittany

Brittany seems normal and probably will make it far but for entertainment value she’s a real snooze. She knows that food is the way to a man’s heart and wants to be married with a kid in five years. Also not to be petty (but totally to be petty) I’m all for trying out the choker trend mostly because I idolize Kaitlyn Bristowe and she’s all in on chokers but this one having loose tails that hang down is really throwing me off. I don’t love it.

Dominique, 25

dominique

Dominique mentions Chipotle and burritos twice in her bio  (in addition to a brunch shout out) so she’s like one step away from becoming a walking basic betch graphic tee. But I like her because her lunch date with three people alive or dead consisted of Jesus, Leonardo Dicaprio and her Grandpa. What a crew!

Michelle, 24

michelleSpeaking of zany choices for lunch with 3 celebs, Michelle (who owns a food truck) tossed down Dumbledore, Gwen Stefani and Princess Diana. WHAT WOULD THESE THREE TALK ABOUT?! The ideas are endless. Also I’m gonna need to know exactly what type of food she trucks, stat.

Danielle L, 27

danielle-l

Dan-triple-L is a babe soda, started a business when she was 23 and <3’s Chrissy Teigen of course.

Hailey, 23

hailey

Hailez is a Canadian who loves 90’s music and building schools in China on the DL. So she’s chill AF and also does good shit for the world. Plus she’s pretty. Do we think she knew Nick was the Bach when she signed up for this?

Jasmine B, 25

jasmine-b

I’m down with Jasmine. Not only does she have an “always and forever” tat (shoutout to the best fictional couple to ever get married and have a baby before high school graduation) but the flaws she listed were that she’s “too nice” and “cares too much.” CLASSIC job interview spin zone. Oh list my weaknesses? Sure, I’m too pretty. #TeamJB

Christen, 25

christen

Christen topped my list not because she’s the hottest or the most interesting. It’s because her weird obsession made me laugh the hardest. (There was never going to be a frontrunner in this mix, sorry bout it.) Anyway, it was business as usual reading Christen’s blurb and fearing a shoutout to dolphins when I noticed that peeping tom is more her style. When asked if she could break any law–she said she wants to break into the White House and hide in a closet just to see what goes on. Then if she could have any job in the world she chose the President. Girl just wants to creep all up in that White House and I have no choice but to respect it.

Welp that’s it. That’s this year’s crop of 30 dazzling girls. Who will be a frontrunner? It’s literally impossible to tell. Tune in January 2nd for the 100 hour premiere. I for one, CAN wait.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- A Waste of Three Hours

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“This is when the fireworks went off in each other’s hearts!”

Disclaimer: I overslept this morning and didn’t proofread this. Have at it.

You know how week after week for this entire season (A.C.—after Chad) I’ve complained about how much boring bullshit they’ve packed in to fill two hours? Well, add another hour and you’ve got the finale. I was stressed before this finale, mostly because I didn’t know when to take my ice cream break to pull me through. (I took it when Robby was on camera, obviously.) But also because I knew from the 4 same clips they kept previewing of JoJo crying that they had NOTHIN to fill that airtime. AND BOY WAS I RIGHT. It’s often the case.

In Phuket, Thailand, JoJo’s family has finally arrived. Also there are still a lot of monkeys. Unrelated, but kind of related.

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One monkey is a Robby and the other is a Jordan, and JoJo tells her family that she loves them both. Just a friendly reminder though, she hasn’t told either of the guys! “GOOD FOR YOU!” JoJo’s mom chirps in approval. You hear that, Ben? You big giant dirt bag I Love You slut! (He will never hear the end of that.)

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Jordan & the Red Hat Society

Jordan’s first up for family times and goes in for a bear hug with everyone, including JoJo’s judgey bros. They don’t immediately push him off, so either tey really like him or they were tipped off that he’s a Rodgers and they’re looking for a guest role in Pitch Perfect 3. Jordan gets everyone silly hats to wear because it’s his family tradition to make fun of each other. Do you think that’s why Aaron doesn’t talk to his fam? Because they forced him to wear a Mrs. Nesbitt hat at the dinner table so they could laugh in his face? It seems like an ironclad theory at this point.

mrsnesbitt

JoJo’s mom has had enough of giggle time because she drags Jordan aside immediately to find out if he’s a playboy. Soraya (didn’t know that was her name until they finally flashed that lower third) grabs Jordan’s hand and makes him promise not to break his daughter’s heart. He responds, before or after I ink a sportscaster deal with ESPN? Soraya then expresses her concerns that Jordan would make her daughter feel insecure AF because, “Who doesn’t like Jordan?!” Um, I’m just spitballing here but…Aaron? After talking a BIG game about how important it was for him to ask JoJo’s dad’s for her hand, he chokes real hard and skips on outta there blessing-free.

Robby Lays it on Thick

I don’t know if anyone has heard yet, but Robby loves JoJo. Naturally within 30 seconds of meeting her family he has to tell the detailed story of their date in Uruguay and how he just KNEW that he loved her, and how he hasn’t stfu about it since.

In great family advice, JoJo’s brothers remind her that she’s not picking her new years eve date. No seriously, this is basically all they added to this episode. WHERE ARE THE SASSY BROS OF BEN’S SEASON? They’re dead to me, now. JoJo’s mom didn’t even take a SIP of wine from the bottle. Instead she said things like, “Make JoJo the queen of your heart.” Okay, girl. Maybe you did slip some wine in between takes.

wine

Robby pulls both parents in to ask for the proposal blessing and uses JOELLE so he’s suuuper serious. It’s the cheesiest and most scripted speech ever. It is in between his cliché lines about lifetime love that grows that I truly discover who Robby is. He’s Eddie Haskell from Leave it to Beaver. He flashes those pearly whites and turns it on for the parents, kissing ass and using full names. What a little weiner. Unfortunately JoJo’s dad falls for it and is eager to blow up his daughter’s spot by telling Robby she totally loves him. Then JoJo’s dad boohoos because someone loves his daughter.

eddie-haskell

When JoJo asks for her family’s opinions, they can’t suck Eddie, I mean Robby’s D harder. Papa Fletch is all, “Robby’s the kind of guy you want your daughter to end up with,” I’m assuming because he’s gay, and not a threat. Once JoJo learns everyone is Team Robby she’s like WTF you guys were supposed to pick Jordan! It could not have been more of a classic case of asking someone’s opinion and then when they don’t give you the one you want, you cry about it. So that’s what JoJo did. She cried and said she was confused and can’t pick. JoJo’s sister, who is present the entire time, doesn’t breathe a word. Is she being held hostage?

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Beach Day with Robby

Robby uses his last date to strengthen my hate for him. His opening line is, “Today’s my last day before I propose to Jo.” STOP CHANGING HER NAME. PICK ONE NICKNAME AND STICK WITH IT. Meanwhile, the camera man dives directly into JoJo’s nipples as she strips down to her bikini in preparation of using Thailand’s waters as a lubricant. THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW, YOU PERVS. I could’ve done without facebombing into JoJo’s ample cleavage. We get that enough with each rose ceremony sparkly skintight dress, amirite? To prove that Robby’s not just after JoJo for her body—because he thinks boobs are icky—he paints a picture of what their future would look like. It’s mostly right from a sitcom complete with a bundle of kiddies and a burnt meatloaf. Oh, and wine to make them forget that this is their life as a married couple. Sounds riveting. I’m one year younger than JoJo and if a guy I met a week earlier brought up cooking meatloaf and having kids screaming in the background as our future I would drown myself directly in the Andaman Sea. (BOOM. GEOGRAPHY.) I obviously had to google a map for that reference but whatever.

Anyway, two weeks of vacation really flies by when you’re smooching 27 guys and traveling the world. WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?! Since it’s been so long since they first met, Robby and JoJo reminisce over 4×6’s of their dates. Robby really wants to hear JoJo say I love you. Too bad, so sad!

Pirating with Jordan

Jojo takes in the sights and feels like this is something she would’ve seen on National Geographic. Don’t try to fool us that you watch anything other than MTV, JoJosephina. The J’s have a serious chat about how Jordan didn’t ask JoJo’s dad for her hand. He just didn’t think it felt right and he won’t ask until he knows it’s a hard yes. JoJo is confused. This is the part in the episode where they make it seem like JoJo isn’t going to pick Jordan. Jordan spends the whole evening portion convincing JoJo he wants her for life and regretting not asking her dad. I consider writing ABC a letter convincing them that all this could’ve been accomplished in a one hour slot.

Neil Lane’s Time to Shine

Jordan (after being shamed so hard) calls JoJo’s parents to ask permission via speakerphone. SO warm and sincere. Then he writes JoJo a notebook style letter and they each take a turn reading it, voiceover style as Jordan coiffed his hair and lint brushes his suit. Robby writes a dumb letter too. Apparently we’re getting into “hit you over the head” notebook reference territory. For the record, a note written on loose leaf on reality TV doesn’t even hold a candle to “I love you, I’ll be seeing you.” So stop trying to make it happen! JoJo reads both and cries declaring she’s having a panic attack.

letter

If you say it, it’s probably not true. I learned that old trick from my brother in law. Anytime I choke on my food (probably because I’m eating it too fast) and cough out “I’m choking”, he’s quick to point out that if I’m talking then I’m breathing and therefore not choking. Facts only. That’s not a panic attack, JoJo. That’s called feeling bad about dumping a human Ken doll on national television.

SURE ENOUGH, Robby’s out of the limo first. BYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYE!

gettosteppin

JoJo can’t let Robby get down on his knee, so she stops him to sob and tell him she doesn’t want to do this but BOY, BYE. She hasn’t improved one inch at dumping this whole season. JoJo’s heart is PHYSICALLY hurting after that breakup. Of course she already immediately misses him once he leaves.

Jordan shows up as JoJo is still crying a little bit over Robby. One of them declares that love doesn’t need to have scripts…which is nice but this one totally does. She loves him, he loves her, she slides that Neil cushion cut right on her ring fing and then makes a lot of sex moans while they smooch and cuddle. Jordan effortlessly flips her into his arms for a quick jog on the beach as he tells us about “our life” together. OUR IS PLURAL, JORDAN. IT’S LIVES. I let it slide once, but I cannot.

 

AFTER SHOW HIGHLIGHTS

  • Robby painfully asks JoJo several times why she didn’t love him as much as Jordan. It’s sad and cringeworthy. Take a hint, bruh. They cut to Jordan backstage primping his hair and it’s EMBARRASSING. Real talk though: I wonder if Jordan’s hair gets wet in the shower.

  • There’s a slight tease at the next Bachelor just so Chad can get up to point out that his mom died and he’s a marine and he too, deserves love. Chris says how about no? We don’t get a Bachelor announcement, so this after show was worthless.
  • JoJo looks hot AF in a sassy pony. Her and Jordan have gone through some hard times because of all the rumors. Their shelf life is end of BIP and that’s pretty obvious.

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  • Jordan continues to dodge all further questioning about GREEN BAY PACKERS QUARTERBACK AARON RODGERS. It didn’t matter if he said anything because Chris Harrison used that title in full roughly 15 times throughout the episode to get viewers to watch the entire after show. What a con artist. I hope GREEN BAY PACKERS QUARTERBACK AARON RODGERS sues the franchise.
  • JoJo and Jordan are moving in together in Dallas. For now. But more importantly, ABC is sending them back to PENNSYLFUCKINGVANIA. Seriously?! Out of all the places they could go, this is the prize? JoJo squeals in glee. I don’t understand anything. I wish these two nothing but fame.
  • Chris Harrison points out that Ben and Lauren are there no less than 100 times, to remind us that they’re still together and also that they have a reality show coming to the tween network very soon.

PS big ups to JoJo and Jordan for patting themselves on the back for not spoiling the results via Snapchat like Kaitlyn, yet forgetting to mention that this mouth-breathing dum dum did it for them when he gave an interview and revealed that JoJo gets along great with the whole family.

lukerodgers

HOW ARE PEOPLE ALLOWED TO DO INTERVIEWS MID-SEASON? Anyway, see you next season for The Bachelor with Luke. Not Luke Rodgers. THIS Luke.

Luke

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Chad Tells All

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“Think about your thoughts before you say them.”

Welcome to Chad’s long-awaited return. Also welcome to a Salty Ju who endulged in Happy Hour on an empty tummy. If we’re being honest, last night’s show was more of a hot mess than me being semi-drunk alone on my couch. And that’s saying something. Let’s get right to it.

The cast of characters is the usual, Derek, Alex, Vinny, St. Nick, James (et. al.), Wells, Damn Daniel, Ali (?), Chase, Luke…then things start to get real ridiculous. We’ve got the Bachelor superfan (don’t know his name), the Asian with a kilt who referenced his dick size on night one and immediately was sent home, and Brandon—the “hipster.” Except, what’s that? Brandon took a pair of kitchen shears to his mullet and now that he has short hair, CAN WE STILL CALL HIM A HIPSTER? That’s what should’ve been the debate of the night. He midas whale be going for the full Jordan Rodgers at this point. That’s SO anti-hipster. Kind of like a Jersey barber getting ROASTED on twitter for his horizontal forehead hairdo and trying to grow out the flop for his next televised appearance. Did he eat Rogaine at the same pace that Chad guzzles ‘roids once he saw the feedback on his head?

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The best part about this was that 90% through the show, Vinny’s like, “Hey JoJo, you like my flow?” Uhhhh WE NOTICED, VINNY. Anyway, we’ll get back to the Mama’s boy later but first, Evan would like to kick off the show by talking about how stunned by JoJo’s beauty he was on night one. All he could say was “God bless America.” Well, that and, who’s paying for my ripped shirt that was provided by production? SERIOUSLY who’s paying?!

JK he didn’t bring up the cotton tee yet, but there was chitchat about the the Chad vs. Alex vs. Derek conflict, which apparently comes down to everyone being soldiers. I’m not sure why we need to drag America into this but I don’t think it appreciates being a part of this narrative. Wells calls Alex an American hero who only knows how to fight. Luke speaks up like a diplomat and is all, I was in the army as well, and everyone deals with it differently. For instance, Luke dealt with war by becoming a sexy but respectful cowboy. Naturally all conversation directs back to Chad and how even though he also is a vet, he’s just a plain asshole. Guess the soldier argument doesn’t really hold up now, does it? Thank you for your input, Wells. May I remind you that you had the “never been kissed” storyline this season.

stepbrosshutyourmouth

ABC brings Chad in like the villain in the wild west, complete with whistling. DON’T RUIN THIS FOR ME. Chad is quite literally the only thing I have left to grasp onto this season. As they play his season highlight reel, Chad giggles non-stop. It’s his boy-like wonder and glee as he watches himself yell about tossing torsos in the pool that makes me feel alive. Then he opens his mouth. And it gets 10x better. He uses a biddy voice to make fun of all the contestants for coming in like, “I just wanna know more about JoJo” and fires at any bro with a rebuttal that he has dirt on them. But really though… THAT’S ON THEM. Don’t speak up unless you want Chad to dig your grave and that’s preetttyyy obvious. Speaking of dirt, Chad’s been hangin and bangin with both Robby and Grant’s ex girlfriends since he’s left the show. He started talking to these chicks to prove that not all Bachelorette contestants are d-bags. This in itself is a phenomenal idea for a new show. Dating the girls left behind. I’d like Quinn King and Rachel Goldberg to produce it, stat. Chet can be involved too, if he really wants. No but actually. I need to see a live feed of Chad juggling Hope and Jen as he convinces each chick that every one of their dates needs to be ‘grammed so they can tag their ex-boyfriends. Sex tapes pending. Propsicles to Chris Harrison for asking if Chad’s been “intimate” with these women though. Dude. Where’s this forward line of questioning after the Fantasy Suites?!

St. Nick/the man who coined “Jo Jo Jo” in a santa suit/the guy who did this:

stnick

has had enough. He’d like to spar with Chad in the middle of the soundstage. Chad doesn’t want to because they’re both wearing dress shoes and that would be a slippery mess. Don’t be an idiot, Santa. St. Nick promptly returns to the North Pole to tell the elves to invent non-stick dress shoes for his next MMA opp with Chad. Then Derek tries to speak up but his pocket square doesn’t even match his shirt so his opinion is irrelevant. Also side note: every person on this planet except me caught you bustin out those buttons, Der. Double also: they didn’t even make Derek watch himself sob in Argentina and I’m still pretty mad about it.

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Now it’s time for Chad vs Evan and a literal play by play of the shirt tear heard round the world. Evan claims he’s shaking everyone’s hands but he actually was pushing Chad, which provoked a real rip of that tee. And justice is served. Take that gofundme down because Evan doesn’t DESERVE to get a new t-shirt. I mean, THE NERVE.

Luke still loves JoJo and says that his pain making JoJo happy is all worth it. Yeah he’s a shoe-in for the next Bachelor. Chris Harrison brings up Luke’s military times and losing his close friends. Thanks for that downer, Chris, ya dick. On the up side, Luke is single and ready to mingle currently…with 28 new ladies. WINK WINK. As if that wasn’t obvious enough, Chris takes it further by saying, “It seems like you’re ready to love again.” WOW Chris, way to be discreet about it. Should’ve just had him sign the Bachelor contract on-air if you were going to drive the point home that much. On the flip side, Chase doesn’t regret saying I love you, cause JoJo taught him how to say feelings. Also quick reminder: he didn’t get any booty.

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Who’s the next bachelor? *Raises hand slowly*

Both men present an excellent case when JoJo comes out as they slobber all over her and thank her for the experience. Luke thanks JoJo for letting him love her. (Hearts flutter, vagina’s sigh.) Chase wants to know why he got a fantasy suite card just to get dumped. Ok, Nick Viall. He also adds that he’s thankful and JoJo shouldn’t feel guilty about how they ended things. Hey Chase, no hard feelsies, but it’s no competition. But seriously, no hard feelsies because producers making you watch that breakup back live is BRUTAL.

JoJo looks like a complete smokeshow and I’m pretty positive she was paid to give a shout out to kilt boy as she walked onto the stage. That’s literally the only reason he is present. scottishasianIn other men trying to squeeze their five minutes dry, James Taylor wants to take a moment to say that in a world where we have dating apps and we can “pick the chicks that are the prettiest and the most smart, ” he’s #blessed to have dated JoJo, who is the prettiest and the most sincere …but obviously not the “most smart.” Hey French Fry Mouth, it’s “SMARTEST.”

Chad takes his time to remind JoJo that her bottom two consist of a guy who dumped his girlfriend a week before the show and a guy whose famous QB brother doesn’t speak to him. Both valid points. In fact, I’m wondering if Chad ripped this directly from my recap last night. JoJo refuses to respond because Chad thrives off of backlash. Not our fault girl is blinded by the truth. A bunch of other guys including lil Al suck JoJo’s nip with compliments and Chad just grins ear to ear in the corner. We get it, you all love JoJo and want to extend your reality TV careers for as long as possible. Joke’s on you because Chad will probably be on TV for the next ten years. That’s not me talking, that’s this grand country of ours that puts batshit crazies on an island to bang each other every summer for Bachelor in Paradise.

In a last ditch bit, Vinny’s motha emerges from the crowd to scold JoJo. This is a woman straight out of Mob Wives, a blonde Big Ange, (may she rest in peace) if you will.

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Dripping in a choker and her Jersey accent, Mama Vinny tells JoJo that she made a mistake and her son is the greatest gift to this earth. JoJo says Vinny was her BFF in the house. What every man wants to hear.

The grand finale is some bloopers of JoJo swatting bugs away. SoOoO interesting. Then finally, it shows JoJo hysterically crying and trying to get a dog to say hello to her. The dog keeps walking. I can’t emphasize this enough when I say that this is every single interaction I’ve ever had with a dog. I immediately run to pet every dog I’ve ever seen/snuggle them and they run as fast as they can away from me. WHATEVER DOGZ. I just want to love you. Is this a metaphor for JoJo’s love life? I GUESS WE’LL NEVER KNOW. Just kidding, tune in next week for the 100 hour finale where she pretends she can’t make a decision but somehow she picks Jordan. Did I spoil it? No, no I did not because I can’t live in a world where Robby wins this.

 

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- A Double Kick in the Nuts

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“I got a fantasy suite card and then I got sent home. That’s like pull your pants down and kick me in the nuts.”

Last week we were left with the cliffhanger that JoJo might send her everlasting Nicholas Sparks character home and sPoILeR alert: she did. And that’s when I checked right on out of this season.

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In this scenario, this entire season was the white dog crap and I’VE HAD ENOUGH, JOJO. Luke stutters about seeing a future with her and thinking the magic was real like a wounded baby bird. JoJo is the crusher of all dreams and magic and I nearly reached toward my TV to give Luke a hug. It cut even deeper when his parting words were, “I’m sorry.” DON’T YOU DARE APOLOGIZE TO HER, LUKE!!! YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A PERFECT COWBOY STRAIGHT OUT OF AN EROTICA. JoJo sobs and says she misses him already. TOUGH LUCK, B. (If it wasn’t a trillion times obvious, Luke is top dog for The Bachelor now.)

Thailand

JoJo prays that this week of boning brings her clarity. Girl doesn’t need clarity because by narrowing it down to a guy whose probably gay, a guy who didn’t speak all season, and a famous-adjacent stud, I THINK WE ALL HAVE CLARITY on who she’s gonna give the final rose to.

ROBBY

It rains while Robby and JoJo get Thai massages. There is no happy ending. Later, Robby shows JoJo a letter that his dad snuck into his pants during the home visit. It basically says “You rock, don’t eva change. Love, Dad.” Robby wants JoJo to keep this probably forged letter to show her that his feelings are real. And to remind her that Robby’s “THE MAN!” He gets an invite to sleepover in her mouth. I close my eyes and ears. JoJo claims she’s in love with Robby.

JORDAN

Jordan and JoJo hike to a temple. JoJo modestly covers her shoulders to respect the tradition of Thailand. Her junderwear is totes fine though. Super conservative. It’s a true test of restraint when the two aren’t allowed to kiss in the temple considering just last week they conducted a real moanfest in a library full of high school kids. Instead they talk about JoJo’s parents and brothers…boner killllll. They’re coming out next week to meet the final two and Jordan can’t wait to show how much he loves JoJo. I’m appalled that it took this long for a JoBro’s cameo. Even farmer Chris’s country sisters with Kate Plus Eight haircuts had guest appearances during his season, and they had faces for radio. The bros BETTER deliver next week.

During dinner, JoJo freaks out because when she asks Jordan where he sees himself in a year, he’s like dunno! I guess it’s a turn off that her man doesn’t have a job. Makes total sense since she’s falling in love with a former swimmer and a former quarterback. Aim high. Also, of course she loves Jordan too. But she refuses to pull a Higgins and keeps her lips zipped. She does not, however, keep her pants zipped (I know, girl never wears pants, just go with the metaphor…it flows better) because Jordan gets dat fantasy suite. The morning after, JoJo recycles the same line she used on Robby, “we’re eating our first breakfast together!!!!!” So that’s really authentic. The producers give us gratuitous shots of Jordan shirtless on his balcony and as I believe the great Quinn King once said, the panties of America drip in unison.

CHASE

JoJo thinks Chase is SUPER playful because he pretends to eat a dead fish. Lolerz. That Chase! He always has some goofy bit up his sleeve! Chase s l o w l y tells us how JoJo’s personality and sex appeal are unstoppable. Someone’s thirsty AF for that fantasy suite. They frolic and dry hump in the water.

Robby steals time during the day of Chase, essentially just to further make me want to vomit. He just missed JoJo so much. He also needed a little more screen time to workshop what he should call her. We’ve gotten a variety of Jo, Joelle, Joj and it’s getting cringeworthy watching him figure out which nickname feels right. Answer: none of them. Pls take your glowing teeth and go away, Robby.

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After Robby interruptus, Chase reads the fantasy suite card because we haven’t heard it read aloud twice already this episode. It’s about as necessary as Chris Harrison entering every single week just to remind us that we’re on the last rose. At any rate, in the suite, Chase tells JoJo that he loves her and he admits he’s never said that to someone first before and with that, sealed his fate to leave Thailand and all it’s fishy smell behind. Lookin at you, JoJo. No but seriously, vag jokes aside, JoJo promptly breaks up with Chase. No booty for him. And if you’re looking for a little #MotivationMonday, look no further than Chases’ response: “So now love equals get the fuck out?” Golf clap. Enjoy your years of therapy, Chaseroni. JoJo sobs of course then follows him out to the car, refusing to let him leave on his own terms. After watching this 40 minutes earlier with Luke, I’ve had just about enough with JoJo’s breakup tactic. The guys aren’t supposed to comfort you when you’re breaking up with them, JoJo. That’s not how this works. Cut the cord and let Chase enjoy his road soda in peace.

 

Rose Ceremony 2.0

And the battle of the tight ankle pants and fluffy hair commences. I mean seriously, could these two do anything to stand out? They’re wearing matching G-D blue and khaki outfits like they work at the resort. Even Chase gets the memo as he interrupts JoJo’s soliloquy about dumping him. Chase isn’t back to ask for a second chance, he just wants to secure his place in the running for The Bachelor. If he ousts Luke for the title, there’s no telling what I’ll do. (I’ll watch the season and make fun of him every week, obviously.) Anyway, Chase leaves again and JoJo returns to use her annoying baby voice to give out both roses to her twin boyfriends.

 

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Now let’s all get ready for what’s really important…the return of Chad in all his torso-tossing glory to our TV’s.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Not Anybody’s Goocho

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It’s been a couple of weeks but we’re still in Buenos Aires and unfortunately last episode’s bitch rose ceremony wasn’t all a dream and Alex and James still squeaked through with pity roses. Chris Harrison earns his paycheck by stopping by to tell the boys how many dates there will be this week. Good work, Chris. Alex can CTFD because he finally got his one on one. Or in Chases’ words: dude, shut up. Stop bitching. I like Chase. He can kick it for a while.

I Gaucho On My Mind with Alex

On their “road trip” aka cab ride, they have a thumb war (JoJo loves a good thumb war), do Pringles duck lips aaand JoJo says it’s like sharing the backseat with her little brother. She didn’t say little but…come on. She also didn’t outright say brother, but we all knew it. At one point Alex horribly tries to rap and she’s like k let’s play the quiet game.

The boys have to take a bus to wherever it is that they’re going. They get road sodas though, so it’s ok. Robby is wearing white old woman open toed slippers. So he’s really dressed for the ride. Definitely gave him mad street cred when the bros started freestyling about Alex needing a stool to get into a sidecar. OooOoh THIRD DEGREE BURN courtesy of white boys rappin.

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On the date, they arrive at a Spanish word for ranch…at least JoJo thinks that’s what it means. WHERE ARE THE CUE CARDS, GUYS?! I didn’t know what Gauchos actually are but I shot out some T’s and P’s that they weren’t referring to the extra wide stretchy pants that I found approps to wear to Easter dinner with kitten heels in 2007. It turns out, it was worse than I imagined. A gaucho is someone who’s born to stroke horses and maybe sneak a kiss in too.

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Producers force Alex to dress the part, as if he’s not still reeling from getting a pity rose. JoJo throws on a pair of suede leggings and calls Alex a “cute little gaucho” and that’s pretty much when I declared it was curtains for Alex. The two lil goocho’s snuggle and make out on top of the horse that has just been stroked and might actually be dead. I wondered how it was that I ended up in the bestiality section of YouJizz. It would be kewl if going forward, JoJo didn’t use a horse as a bed.

After the horse has been dragged away to the glue factory, Alex tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her and then adds in that he fell in love with her the second he saw her, which is laying it on real thick. Let’s T it down Alex, you were put on this show to rival Chad and by God’s grace you clung on until now. It was crickets city from JoJo and we all know that we’ve reached the point of no return. She’s not feelin it because she has more chemistry with her brothers than she has with lil Al and feels it’s more respectful to send him home now. Realistically it would’ve been more respectful to all of us if she didn’t ask him to kiss her while lying on a lifeless horse, but who am I to judge. Alex takes it really well. Jk he leaves angry, kind of like how he spent this entire season.

 Let’s Toast to Love with Jordan

Jordan gets the romantic wine country date and if it’s not obvious at this point that he’s one half of the bottom two, then we haven’t been watching the same show. They grape stomp but no one falls and screams so it’s actually not entertaining at all. (Had to sneak this in because it still makes me laugh to the point of tears. Sorry not sorry.)

JoJo gets into Jordan’s barrel because she can’t stand to not be touching him at all times. I’m fine with that because I would’ve done the same. What I’m not okay with is when they go ahead and drink each other’s chunky feet grapes. AND THEY LIKED IT. I’m appalled and disgusted until I realize that they probably think it’s wine. If you could make wine just from doing the running man over some grapes, I would turn my kitchen into a G-D vineyard. JoJo was probably like oohhh I’m feelin it, that wine was strong! As she chews on a mushy grape. Feeling the high from those toe jam grapes, they hop into the conveniently placed vineyard hot tub. Jordan wants JoJo to meet his mama. That’s what he’s thinking about as they grind their wet bodies on each other in the hot water.

Later, Jordan brings up double A for the first time this season basically. And it comes out that he doesn’t have a relationship with Aaron, which I’m sure is really good press for his more famous bro to have your family saying you don’t spend any time with them. Cliff notes version: According to Jordan no one talks to Aaron and he’s all sorts of F’ed up after living life in Aaron’s shadow. I wonder if this is why Jordan felt the need to have swoopy hair. ~~Livin in, livin in, livin in the ShAdOw~~

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Even though that was some juicy celeb gossip to air all over television, what was more entertaining was the way Jordan introduced the topic by saying, you won’t be meeting my middle brother and JoJo puts on a calm & cool performance of a lifetime with her response, “you mean, Aaron?” Oh IDK, is that his name, JoJo?! Every viewer groans at the thought of no Aaron or Olivia appearances on next week’s hometown visit. Oh yeah, and Jordan says he is “so in love with JoJo.” JoJo’s basically like, samesies.

Let Our Love Soar with Chase, James, Robby

The weather forecast ruins the date that probably was never planned for the three “other guys”. James Tay stops talking for just enough time to shove 100 french fries in his yapper because that’s how you get girls. I shed a tear for so many wasted fries and had to physically stop myself from doing a McD’s run for some of my own. The rest is an 8th grade slumber party. The only thing missing was a choreographed dance and Bonnebell glitter rollerballs. In truth or dare, Robby’s dared to run the hallway in his undies…YAWN. We saw more skin on Damn Daniel when he stripped to a speedo on night one. James feels threatened by Robby’s Ken doll abs, so he narcs to JoJo about Robby’s wandering eye. It pretty much backfires when James gets the bottom of the bed for their group snuggle.

JoJo asks Robby about his ex who he dated for three years. They broke up over Christmas break, because apparently Robby is still in college. Even though they just broke up like 2 months before filming, he’s totes over it. Chase “really, really likes” JoJo and does want to spend the rest of his life with her. Cause marriage is totes the result of xoxo’ing someone in your aim profile, which is essentially what Chase just declared. James Tay wants to know why it feels like there’s no chemistry between them and JoJo spins a web of lies that’s like you’re really nice and you like me so our relationship is great. What James misses is what she doesn’t say and that’s “I’m not attracted to you.” It’s unfortunate that he misinterprets that and feels so confident because it’s crystal clear that he’s outtie five thou in the next rose ceremony.

The boys debate who will get roses and it turns into a heated argument about how each guy should think they’re a frontrunner or GTFO. I don’t know who deemed Robby the Coach Taylor in this scenario, but I could’ve done without his pre-rose pep talk. Robby the self-proclaimed frontrunner gets the rose and I’m never more turned off than I am when watching him and JoJo smooch. I’ll give him one more week before I riot.

Horse Play with Luke

As is typs for her dates with Luke, JoJo is horned up for everything that he does. The way he handles the horses, how he shoots, how he coaches her to shoot, she just can’t. She CANNOT stop soaking her undies. Luke shares that he doesn’t have an LP after this show but he’d like to figure it out with JoJo and she’s all about that because she knows that every Bach alum ends up being paid to make appearances for the rest of their lives, so that works best when someone isn’t tied down to a career. It also opens the door for Luke to become the next Bachelor should he be left hanging in the finale. Wink.Well played, Luke.

Rose Ceremony

Robby, Luke, Jordan, Chase

(You think maybe James is rethinking the whole deepthroating a plate full of fries tactic?)

Since ABC likes to toe the line (Robby mooned us, LOL OMG) there’s a bonus scene during the credits of a closed door with JoJo moaning on and on about how good that feels. PSYCH GUYS, IT’S JUST HER GETTING A HEAD MASSAGE!! LOLOLOL but seriously though remember when Kaitlyn O’ed with a mic pack still on? Get on her level, JoJo. No more of this Disney play with my hair shit. When the door is closed I expect you to be getting some.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Derek Cries for Argentina, A Lot

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We have arrived in Buenos Aires: Where men in berets ride donkeys (probably to work), also where JoJo wears a skintight red dress, and open white trench coat while petting strange dogs in a park. She’s one with culture.

Besame, Besame, Muchacho with Wells

Wells admits he’s the only one who hasn’t kissed JoJo and essentially gives every other guy a chance to judge him real hard and razz him in front of JoJo, which is basically social suicide. The boys spend FAR too long talking about how much smooch pressure there is. And Wells admits he was waiting for the perfect moment to kiss JoJo, thus putting TONS of pressure on it. I mean it’s totally sweet that Wells is thinking like a rom com, but we should probably quickly remind him that JoJo has been AGGRESSIVELY swapping spits with roughly 15 other guys the entire time she’s been dating Wells. Therefore, romance is dead. About as dead as being super awkward and anticipating a kiss on a performance art date. Finally, while sloshing around a see through pool together and weirdly slopping into each other, they kiss. THAT was the moment?! Rly? Anyway, later on, Wells gets sweaty and talks about his past relationship. He says obviously passion fades in relationships and JoJo is like uh uh honey. He does not get rosed. JoJo wah wahs about it while a dramatic montage of their date plays and she stands in the middle of a crowd while it rains. WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! Did JoJo suddenly step into a music video? We’ll never know. (Nor do I want to.)

Living La Vida Boca with Luke, Robbie, Jordan, James, Alex

James Tay and his jheri curl are feeling super self-conscious being surrounded by a bunch of babes with the same haircut. They play a little futbol with the locals where Jordan pulls his shirt over his head for a six-pack showdown and Alex immediately copies him because Alex is a tryhard. James makes a goal and gets to kiss JoJo in front of everyone and show the other bros you don’t need chiseled abs to get closed mouth kiss the girl…but like it doesn’t hurt your chances either.

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At the night portion of the date, camera one is specifically angled to catch JoJo’s wandering hand as it roams near Luke’s dick while they chat. He pours his heart out about how much he loves being on the show and JoJo just keeps caressing him and kissing him. GET THE HINT LUKE SHE WANTS TO BANG SO STOP TALKING. JoJo says she’s running out of words to describe the passion between her and Luke but she doesn’t really need words when we see his hand creeping up her skirt, and him grabbing a fistful of her ass plus the fact that she wouldn’t even let him speak without putting her hands in his lap. James uses his alone time with JoJo to bitch about Jordan giving the wrong rules to a card game or something. He goes on a rant about how Jordan’s a celebrity and everyone should bow down to him. Obviously he sounds like a whiny little b. Then he asks to kiss JoJo. I think James’ time has expired on this show. (To be clear I thought that week one but there were bigger fish to fry then ahem, Evan.) Naturally, JoJo immediately tattles to Jordan to ask what’s up with the card game kerfuffle because apparently her suitors live in a nursing home and fight over a game of Uno or something. Jordan says he’s not entitled as JoJo runs her fingers through his luscious locks. What’s great about this season is that we don’t need to guess who JoJo will be bringing to the fantasy suites because she physically can’t keep her hands off them, even when she’s pretending to have a serious conversation about their character. Jordan returns to sit on a tiny couch with James and swishes his white wine spritzer around in his glass at warp speed while everyone else has the uncomfies. Then after his wine has been thoroughly tossed, they have it out on baby couch. Agree to disagree on the rules of Poker, boys. Luke gets rosed.

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It Takes Two with Derek and Chase

Professional dancers perform a threesome tango and I’m pretty sure we saw the female dancers’ cooch, which was confirmed when the camera panned to Chase shouting “WHOA” with wide eyes. Must be his first peek at foreign vag. PS I went to a pole dancing class this weekend and the instructor kept saying cooch, so I’m bringing that back real hard. Since JoJo can’t decide who she wants to have relations with, she forces Chase and Derek to dance fight for her. This got me jazzed, imagining Center Stage’s final sassy dance, guessing who would be the one to ride the motorcycle onto the stage (Chase, obviously). Unfortunately, watching them push JoJo back and forth between two inches of space was the most anti-climatic thing I’ve ever had to watch. I kept waiting on the edge of my seat for them to bring down the house. Show us a little canned heat! Wag your finger at the boys when they get too grabby, JoJo! But nope, even though JoJo was wearing a red dress, it was certainly no Cooper-Jody-Charlie sensual showdown.

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VS.

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In one on one time, Derek tells JoJo he’s falling for her. On the other hand, Chase gets scolded for not giving JoJo’s feelings validation or reciprocation. Chase gets the rose. Makes sense, right? Derek has a suuuper depressing limo farewell with “I’m Derek and Derek is imperfect” and “WHY am I crying?!” cross-cut with a singer belting “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” and Chase/JoJo touching all up on each other. Brava for the juxtaposition between Derek’s sopping wet tears and that song. BRAVA.

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Cocktail Party

Jordan takes her aside to say he should win this because he deserves to. JK he says he’s falling for her LIKE EVERYONE ELSE obviously. Alex says he was mad he hasn’t gotten a one on one or a group date rose yet. I’m mad Alex is still on this show.

Roses

Luke, Chase, Robbie, Jordan……DRAMATIC EXIT to tell Chris that they both suck and she doesn’t want to give this rose out. YAAASSSSS. BYE James & Alex! Luke & Jordan for the final two. Boooyahhhhh.

Those are all the celebratory words I typed before I realized that she was actually asking Chris for two roses to keep both of those turds around. Alex feels like he has a pity rose and HE’S NOT WRONG. CLEAN IT UP, JOJO. Stop trying to throw us off the scent that your bottom four will be Chase, Robby, Jordan and Luke. Also, turn up your gaydar a notch around Robby. Jus Sayin.

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