Tag Archives: Yolanda Foster

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Backwards in Heels”

kathryn

“I feel like if you’ve been married for 20 years in Beverly Hills, it’s like you’ve been married 100 years anywhere else.”

 

What do you get when you mix 1 part snide comments about Lyme Disease, 1 part alter ego that intimidates everyone and 1 part Faye Resnick? The plot for every single episode this season of Housewives. Seriously can these ladies talk about/do anything else? Oh yeah, they can dress up like “Moulin Rouge” to celebrate their long-lasting marriages, and then talk about the three aforementioned topics at said party.

But before all that, it’s raining in BH because Kyle invited Faye to her BBQ and didn’t warn Lisa beforehand. Don’t question Lisa’s superpowers. She hates Faye no matter what and also now controls Kyle’s sugar intake. (It’s probably for the best.) Lisa compares Kyle inviting Faye to if she invited “Witchy-Poo.” Apparently that’s the adorbs nickname for Carlton. In case you don’t remember Carlton, she was a real sexual Wiccan and just about everyone hated her except for Brandi (who everyone also hates.) Kyle and Lisa passively aggressively fight about it but all is forgotten once they need to pick a locale for their joint anniversary party. Who has a joint anniversary party? Will Mauricio even show up or will it be Ken and the ladiez as always?

As the girls plan their party around slutty costumes, Lisa tries to swipe Kyle’s phone and we all learn that Kyle is a dirt friend. I’ve never seen a person scramble faster to rip that phone back. You know when your Bluetooth is hooked up in the car and a friend calls you, you have to announce that they’re on speakerphone so they don’t talk shit about the person you’re with? No? Just me. Well this was worse. We know Kyle doesn’t have nudes on there. Just shit-talking texts.

Rinna visits Erika to S her D and get a thirsty ass tour of her monstrosity of a house. She has A CHAPEL. ERIKA JAYNE…the HOOCHIE WHO SPEWS CLUB MUSIC IN A SHEER CATSUIT…HAS A CHURCH IN HER HOUSE. And a library, I assume for her husband. But really, back to the church, she got it because she likes to collect religious art. See a kewl portrait of Jesus? Why don’t you just erect a steeple in your home so you have somewhere to hang it? After Rinna gawks and talks about how that’s SO Pasadena of her (whatever that means) Erika takes some voice lessons where she just plays with her tongue and stuff.

New gal pal Kathryn cooks for her husband and he barks out requests for ingredients. It’s far too possible we have another David Foster on our hands. Except much younger, and more handsome, and probably cooler. The two of them hit the gym together, which is just so cute it makes me want to ralph all over them and their gossip weightlifting sesh.

Rinna goes over to Yo’s house to drag on this dumb AF storyline about the one time she used Wikipedia to look up Munchausen’s disease. Rather than apologizing for believing a website that anyone can contribute to, she says she feels like the worst person in the world for “engaging” or whatever buzzword we’re using to avoid saying that she talked smack. Yolanda replied with, “I’ve never heard of Munch-hausen-schmausen’s disease.” It’s even funnier than when she didn’t know how to pronounce cunninglingus last season. Yolanda is cute as pie and PS new revelation: Rinna has vagina armpits.

The event of the hour finally arrives and boy is it an eyeful. All the women treat the Moulin Rouge party like Halloween in college and make sure their T’s and A’s are fully on display. Kyle the most, obviously. Definitely not uncomfy at all to see her modeling the cleavage baring corset for her toddler. At the actual party, her high school age daughter shows up wearing a similar get up. Could we maybe leave the kids out of this?

cleave

Newbie’s Kathryn and Erika bond, if by bonding you mean one scolding the other for her potty mouth. Kathryn doesn’t love a good C U Next Tuesday and Erika does. Erika promises not to say it anymore around her after she gets verbally badgered that she’s too pretty for swears. Hey, Kathryn, I’m pretty too and a well-placed F bomb will always be funny. Have fun censoring yourself around Kathryn, everyone. It’ll be like hanging out with your parents.

BTW if I ever saw my parents attend a party like this I’d try to pluck my eyeballs out. Kyle does 15 splits because of course, and her nipples almost fall directly onto the floor. She also takes Mauricio’s D for a ride on the dance floor. Hope Alexia and her teen squad had blindfolds on for that number. Camille sashays around the dance floor like she doesn’t have a care in the world. To be clear she pretty much doesn’t because she still gets a Bravo paycheck but no one hates her for brawling on TV anymore. Drink every time one of the women refers to themselves as hookers. Whoops I’m dead.

As if Faye isn’t enough of a hot button topic (because Lisa didn’t even a little bit want her invited), Kathryn airs her grievances for the morally corrupt author. Kyle flies off the handle…probably because she hadn’t touched her vag to the floor in a minute and is all NOBODY talks shit about my bitch friend at my party full of Moulin Rouge hoes! Kyle and Lisa bicker about Faye and taking Kathryn’s side I think? I couldn’t really focus because the ghost of Taylor Armstrong showed up. No literally, did she mix up Moulin Rouge with Zombie Ghoul? She floats up mid-conversation then just stares at both of them and eavesdrops on their argument. The episode abruptly ends with a flashback to Brandi slapping Lisa. Hmm..

Most importantly, Rinna keeps her hair in a mom choppy bob because she wants her husband to F her. End of discussion.

PS This was a C+ recap because I’m still thinking of The People Vs. OJ Simpson and how Connie Britton delivering 4 lines as Faye Resnick was one thousand times more entertaining than the real Faye Resnick. And this entire season.

Standard
RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Busted BBQ”

Screen Shot 2016-01-27 at 9.01.44 AM

We are in full swing with another new girl (she finally has an intro!!) and then Bravo slaps us right in the face by making appearances by that trashmonster Faye a regular occurrence. But first, let’s watch Lisa walk around a sex shop and act like she’s never seen a whip or dildo before!

Then we get to know the new bitch in town. Kathryn is a full cast member now, which means that she gets a double entendre intro about banging football players and we get to learn about how she would never be caught dead in business class. Although, when she reveals she flies first class, doesn’t she realize HOW POOR SHE SOUNDS? Srsly, Kathryn, you don’t have a private jet? Erika Girardi does and she was once a cocktail waitress, not an international supermodel, step up ya game girl. Anyway, Kath is just your average midwestern gal with a private jeweler. I can also take comfort in the fact that neither her nor her football hunk of a husband ever have to work again for the rest of their lives. As I huddled near the fireplace for body heat and my mom sorted through boxes in preparation of moving for the 50th time we both looked at each other and said: same. Work is for schmucks.

Later on, we see Kathryn and Rinna do breakfast to talk about their plastic surgery and how they virtually know nothing about each other but are pretending to be long lost friends for the sake of the show. And Rinna says she’s an actress…My favorite line of hers in this scene is when she unconvincingly tells Kathryn that she remembered really liking her. That was worse than when I run into someone from high school I never spoke to and we play the “let’s catch up sometime” game. Next time I’ll add at the end, “I kind of remember you being funny once in study hall?”

On a more serious note, this episode features some more somber storylines for Eileen. You know, things that are probably too emosh to be included on this vapid show where a woman in a floor length gown hosts a BBQ catered by professional chefs. Eileen packs her sister’s ashes in a Ziploc baggie and gets ready to leave for the family trip to Rome. Do ashes pass through customs? Just wondering. More importantly…why aren’t we seeing more of her babelicious stepsons?!

Okay so anyway, Kyle is throwing a party just so she can gather Faye and Kathryn in a small space and watch sparks fly. She’s calling it a BBQ but we soon learn that she’s shitting all over the great ‘Merican tradition of hotdogs and bud lattes in a backyard. Yolanda shows up in a poncho, leggings and flip flops (typical backyard hangout garb) and is greeted by Kyle in her Oscars red carpet finest. How anyone puts up with Kyle as a friend baffles me. Kyle is the friend that tells everyone not to exchange gifts at Christmas and then spends $500 on each of her friends. She’s the girl who says she just rolled out of bed and then shows up to grab coffee in a romper and wedges. Kyle is a turd. And Faye is turd 2.0 as she also shows up dressed for a charity brunch. Both Rinna and Erika get bonus points for wearing normal summer cookout outfits and Erika steals my heart again when she’s like where da grill at? Seriously, Kyle. You should be kicked out of this country. Don’t ever trap a lady under the premise of wieners and then deliver caviar. They’re not the same.

Kyle continues her hot streak as worst friend ever when she makes a very awkward intro between Faye and Kathryn. Especially since they’ve both clearly expressed they don’t want to be meet each other. Kathryn immediately stares at the ground and starts babbling about neon heels with Erika. No one has much time to dwell in the uncomfies because the goddess that is Camille Grammar struts in and she has some fiery pink tresses. Could she be more fabulous? Why is she not a cast member anymore?

Kathryn and Yolanda talk about how they were once the two most beautiful models in the world an then Yo is outtie five thou because she had her boobs ripped from her body like five minutes ago and probably isn’t real into socializing at a fake BBQ at the mo’. Naturally as soon as Yo leaves all the girls get catty AF with her illness being fake again. The newest revelation is that Muhammed says the kids don’t have Lyme Disease. Lisa brings it up to the table full of gossiping betches and then tries to shut it down and says it’s no one’s business. Erika stands firmly on Team Yolanda. Did I mention how much I love that ole bag of sparkles?

Back to Faye, the shittiest dinner party guest on this earth (including the fake hypnotist who smoked e-ciggs.) If you’ll recall she was a real dirtbag to Lisa like 4 years ago and Lisa DOESN’T FORGET! Rinna takes the opportunity to throw Lisa right under the bus and make the two hash out their issues. Faye tiptoes out of that conflict and steps right in a steaming pile of OJ Drama.

Kathryn gets a few glasses of rosé in her and suddenly she’s singing like a bird about how much she hates Faye. Minor detail: she’s never actually read what Faye wrote about her in the OJ tell-all. Not a great start to a feud, especially with that snake. Regardless, she takes off her hoops and revs up for a brawl with a little Brooklyn (?) accented “Don’t act like you KNOW me.” As soon as Faye returns to the table, she pounces. Faye sits back stroking her arm, lights a pipe and purrs, “do you feel better?” Faye fakely apologizes for anything she’s done to offend anyone (she’s offended every single person at that table) But worry not, because there is no conflict that cannot be solved with empty compliments. Kyle tells Faye that she’s a great girlfriend, then round robin style, Faye gives a warm fuzzy to Kathryn by saying she looks beautiful. Okay everyone has said something nice about one another, so the conflict has been resolved! If we’re being honest, I could’ve used less of Faye choking out compliments and more lively dinner conversation about who’s posed in Playboy. Mostly because we got the dime of all flashbacks to the OG dinner party and “THE MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK!” God, I miss Camille in her prime.

alison-dubois-ecig-2

Standard
RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Going Deep”

 

bethennyerika

Hey, hey, hey, we’re still in the Hamptons and everyone’s gotten over fangirling all up on Erika Jayne so now I’m bored. Last night’s final event of the trip is the opening of a pop-up shop for Kyle’s “Forever 21 for 50 Year Olds Trying Too Hard.” Seriously, do you see the fitted hats with glitter words in the above picture? Three of the girls wear pink to the event and Lisa almost rips their dresses right off them upon her arrival. Bethenny is still lurking around the wrong show and approaches Erika to apologize but not really apologize. Erika’s like we Gucci, I don’t concern myself with your opinions. Then we get into the juicy biz of gossip because not an episode goes by without a side conversation about Kim Richards that gives Kyle the uncomfies. Rinna thinks it would be approps to revisit last year’s feud with Kim so that she can declare that she caused Kim’s addiction and downward spiral. Oh, Rinna. Stop making everyone else’s problems about you. Kyle sneaks up on the group as they’re making her family’s deep-rooted issues about themselves and everyone gets REAL nervous. It’s like when you were in high school and your parents walk in on you and your friends talking about whose getting alcohol for your basement drinking on Friday night and instead of covering it up everyone just turns and stares at them, looking guilty. Surprisingly, Kyle handles it well and instead of losing her shit she shouts LET’S DRINK TO NOT CARING ABOUT KIM! WOOHOOOOO HAMPTONS.

The ladies all purchase their age inappropriate crop tops and booty shorts and then head back to Kyle’s for a dinner party. Obviously housewives can’t eat dinner without a little drama. Eileen and Lisa start yapping about their dumb disagreement over asking too many questions or whatever and Ken, WHO DOES NOT HAVE A G-D LIFE OUTSIDE OF FOLLOWING LISA AROUND, butts in and demands to know what Eileen’s talking to HIS WIFE about. Look, I can’t shit on Ken enough this season. It’s getting sad. He needs to find friends and stop attending all-female events and involving himself in bitch fights while Giggy sits on his lap. If he ever had a man card, it’s been set on fire this season.

Anyway, the conversation spins back to feuds past—so Erika can get caught up on all the shit she definitely already knows about. And while Kyle is addressing her demons with Kim’s addiction, Rinna tells us in her confessional, “Kyle’s sister is getting arrested left and right and it’s affecting me deeply.” Oh, it is, Rinna? Poor you. (I’m salivating over Kyle sinking her teeth into that sound byte at the reunion.)

Once the girls have politely sniffed at their lobster, Kyle feels like it’s an opportune time to play round robin of “what keeps you up at night?” I guess this is better than charades or whatever it was that ended with the girls calling each other slut pigs, but it doesn’t seem like it will go well at all. Lisa’s like, I don’t have any problems, tralala. And then…dare I say it. I laughed out loud at something Kyle said. She comes out of left field with the zing of the century for Lisa when she says; “Your biggest problem can’t be getting a mini pony onto a private plane.” Everyone’s shitting on Lisa for her first world problems and Eileen is like hey everyone I’ve been abused. Yikes, Eileen. Read the room. We rebound quickly from the heavy when Kyle is all, okay not to be selfish but… HAHAHA Kyle’s got jokes tonight. Seriously, she was on FIRE!

In other boring news, Erika cruises on over to Ohio in her private plane with shitty chamomile tea bags to pick up Yolanda after her surgery. We have to look at her disgusting implant photos again. Ralph city. And also, Faye Resnick is back. She’s here to design Kyle’s new closet the size of my apt and give unsolicited family advice. I wish Connie Britton played Faye Resnick in real life too.

faye_resnick

Next up—the Hero Dog Awards, where celebrities match their toy dog to their outfit and carry it around Pump with a cocktail. This party WOULD have been boring, had we not met the next newbie in the crew. I thought the day would never come, I mean she doesn’t even have a mildly offensive and definitely narcissistic tagline in the opening credits. If she did, maybe it would say that she’s introduced as Rinna’s friend, but Rinna clearly knows nothing about her. Not five seconds after Rinna’s like omg Kathryn I can’t believe it’s you; she brings up the most infamous celebrity murder in the past 30 years. You know, typical catching up chitchat. Apparently Kathryn was married to Marcus (OJ’s BFF, and possible sexual partner of Nicole Brown-Simpson) at the height of the whole thang. Rinna makes it no secret that the only things she knows about Kathryn she probably read in Faye Resnick’s memoir and therefore I’m guessing Kathryn’s title as “Rinna’s friend” is preeetttyyy loosey goosey.

kathryn

Looking to make this staged run-in more awkward? Look no further than Eileen who gets a case of the nervy word vomits and goes Hi Kathryn nice to meet you; I dated your ex-husband once. And we’re off! To a great start with Kathryn-no one knows her last name. Once Kyle brings Faye into things, it becomes very clear that maybe we should leave discussion of murder off the Real Housewives. The Kardashians are already involved in OJ. Let’s leave well enough alone, shall we ladies? We’ve boatloads of drama without involving an infamous homicide. JK we’re going to milk it for this season’s drama clearly because next week is Faye Vs. Kathryn to hash out 20-year-old beef. I do know one thing though. OJ’s been laying heavy on Rinna’s life and that’s definitely something we need to consider and console her for.

kathrynrhobh

Standard
RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Pretty Mess”

bethanyerika

So this episode was super boring. This episode was so boring, in fact, that Rinna having a screaming case of mudbutt and healing with yoga the next morning was something they found worth mentioning. Seriously, more than once we had to hear about Rinna’s fiery buhhole. Why? Because there was nothing else going on.

Well—nothing else except everyone slobbering all over Erika Jayne. I hate to jump aboard the train but I think I actually love Erika now too. Ugh it killed me to type that sentence. I love her for very different reasons than the rest of the housewives. For example, after taking to the Google, Rinna is actually afraid of Erika’s sexual prowess. Lisa calls her a prude and Eileen has the most interesting reaction of them all. She’s definitely a little bit turned on and a whole lot jelly. I guess Eileen has some very powerful fantasies about being in porn or something because she can’t let it go and like she has a schoolgirl crush, finds every opportunity to bring it up. I wouldn’t be surprised to see that Eileen has Erika’s YouTube page bookmarked for private times. “It’s so cool, what Erika does. It’s everybody’s fantasy.”-Eileen exclaims to the girls, who reply with blank stares like Eileen just revealed her and Vince like to have sex in a pile of garbage. Gawd, Eileen tuck your boner up into your waistband.

When the much-anticipated goddess finally arrives, the ladies all accost her the second she walks in the door, like she’s the most popular girl at the slumber party, to smell her hair and ask her what her hashtags mean. Except there might be a little popularity contest between Bethany Frankel and Erika Jayne. Since the housewives are in NY/NJ territory, we’re forced to put up with Bethany. Kyle tells a dumb story about how they met over thousand-dollar eye makeup remover or something and will always sound like a dick no matter how hard she tries. Since they’ve been friends FOREVER we get to watch them exchange old stories and inside jokes that none of us will get. Gr8 TV. Then they stalk Erika’s insta because that’s what girls do when they’re about to meet someone.

Bethany stays super discreet about her bitchy activity. Just kidding, she shakes Erika’s hand and says welcome to my home, I just looked at every picture you’ve ever posted online and my favorite was the one with your fingers up your vagina with knuckle rings on. Way to bury the lead on that one, Bethany. While Bethany asks Erika if she wants a rim job, Eileen silently stews over who loves Erika more. No seriously, I thought she was going to stab Bethany to show Erika she’s the most loyal fan. Especially when Bethany went HAM SAMMICH on Erika’s brand and the production value of her music video. Here’s why I like Erika—she sat there and listened, then calmly stated her case and that was that. The dinner party went on and she looked like the better person, especially because she wasn’t wearing a Flax onesie like Bethany (which of course ripped when she was learning how to dance like a stripper. #Karma.) My love for Erika only grew when she brought up how awks the dinner party was the next day and said, “Is she being a bitch or is she just being -Insert long pause and sinister smile- JEALOUS?!”

But enough about EJ already, the other five minutes of the episode spent not focused on her were about Eileen’s affair and how uncomfy she was when Lisa asked a lot of questions about it. The lesson to be learned here is that Lisa is nosy AF with everyone and Eileen better acclimate or become the next Brandi. And on a final note, Yo recovers from her silicon removal and David is a super insensitive asshole when he ribs on the phone to Lisa in front of his sickly wife, “Ken has better tits now.” Aaand crickets. Followed by divorce.

Standard
RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Will Power”

yosilkythreads

Look I don’t want to start hating yet another biddy on this show but Rinna’s inching her way onto my list and I’m not loving it. She kicks it off by showing up to Kyle’s obnoxious clothing store to cash out on her birthday gift. The gift she’s referring to, of course, is when Mauricio showed up to her party empty-handed and said she could pick out something from Forever A Former Child Star or whatever Kyle’s fashion venture is. That was Mauricio’s way of saying Hey I didn’t get you anything so rip off my wife’s store because I paid to start this little side project of hers anyway. Rinna was like oh you didn’t have to!!! But then shows up to the store with her palms extended looking for a handout. Rinna’s got a lot of balls pretending she’s not that rich and then a mere 20 minutes later having a personal vag waxer arrive at her mansion. Her waxer is named Eiko (because of course she’s foreign) and proceeds to stick a butter knife up Rinna’s buhhole while talking about how she has a wrinkly ass. I could’ve lived my entire life without ever seeing Rinna spread eagle on her bedroom floor with a butter knife inserted in her downstairs and I’m afraid it’s an image that will never leave my brain. Bottom line: Rinna is not down to earth. She has been paying an immigrant to de-grizzly her RB curtz for 17 years. That’s Beverly Hills.

Screen Shot 2015-12-30 at 10.29.11 AM

You know what else is SOOO Beverly Hills? Tossing your PET SWAN Hanky into the back of your Range Rover like it’s not an angry bird that belongs in the wild and not cuddled in your lap for a quick joy ride. I’ve had it up to here* with Lisa’s animal shit this season. *To be clear, “here” is above my head, and I’m a lot taller than a mini horse. Hanky has a stomach infection probably because it’s fed prime rib or something and rode in style to the vet, who declared he’s fine because he’s biting everyone who touches him. What a friendly pet. Once he’s feeling better it’s apparently okay for Lisa to follow it around and keep choking its neck so that it sits in her lap nicely. It gave me very real and traumatic flashbacks to the kids next door to my parents grabbing their puppy by its head because they’re definitely not old enough to know how to properly care for a pet. Hands home, Lisa.

hanky

After patiently waiting, fans were rewarded with an Erika group meet so the other ladies can look their future enemy in the eye. First she’s eased in when Yolanda introduces her to Kyle at the park. They’re gathering to take a walk but what that really means is walk to the closest bench and sit down to chat. Kyle and Erika HIT IT OFF because they both have long shiny hair and popped out a child before they were old enough to drink. Then Kyle takes some time to exhaust her theory about Yolanda maybe just being depressed. Fingers crossed this is the last time we have to hear this dumb dribble. Yolanda is like yeah okay whatever. Then they suggest TOTALLY OFF THE CUFF that maybe all the girls gather for a drink so they can meet the new co-star who will be paid to hang out with them. Erika reveals that she only hangs out with gay men. Who would have ever guessed that this Barbie lookin chick with a 76-year-old husband and a questionable club music career can’t hang with other girls? Red flag city, population: Erika Jayne. Let’s see how she does with a group of girls that do not encourage her to pat her puss constantly.

erika

Did anyone know that Eileen won an Emmy for her work in soap operas? Well YOU SHOULD. Lisa and Kyle take her job REALLY seriously when they play hide and seek on the Young and the Restless set and make unfunny jokes about how they’re too rich for vending machines. Then they go for drinks with Erika so Kyle can slobber all over her and Lisa can show how jelly she is of Erika’s life.

Erika’s first mistake is that she wears pink heels to the outing and didn’t she know that pink is LISA’S COLOR? Duh. She bought the actual rights to the color, along with two tiny horses that are probably already dead. Don’t worry about Kyle and Erika getting along though because they’re both like, so much fun, so what more could two women have in common? Million dollar diamond best friend necklaces in the making. Obviously Erika talks all about her alter ego and the girls are like omggg so FUNNNNNNNNN. Eileen shows her age and lack of coolness when she’s like everyone wants to be a disco queen. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Erika’s auto-tuned club jams while she writhes around in a sheer bodysuit isn’t what Eileen had in mind for disco queen. There’s a little chatter about sex with men above the age of 70, which is just about as disturbing as watching Rinna’s grundle get waxed earlier. Apparently no one at Bravo cares about me keeping my dinner down. Eileen the wannabe-disco-queen shuts that talk down right about the same time that Kyle does a fresh hip-implant humping impression. God bless you, Eileen.

Of course it wouldn’t be a weekly installment of the ladies if they didn’t question Yolanda’s entire existence on this earth or something and make her feel like a bag of Lyme disease trash. Yo’s latest procedure is to get her breast implants removed, so she’s still not feeling on the up and up. Kyle has convinced herself she might have Lyme disease because she’s a moron. And then Yolanda says, a friend told me Taylor was talking shit, which is Bravo speak for: a producer showed me a clip of that big mouth trashing my Valencia filters. Eileen gets confused, probably still jarred by the fact that two of the ladies just detailed their geriatric husbands’ sex life, and thinks Yo is referring to Rinna’s little Munchausen’s wiki from last week. YIKERONIS. Rinna may have a hairless downstairs, but she’s about to be in a hairy situation with Yolanda thanks to Eileen’s blabathon. See what I did there? I made something disgusting into a segue. You’re welcome. That’s why I get paid the big bucks.

Anyway, Yolanda is like I don’t have time for all this bullshit and peaces out because seriously she’s above it. Also she’s late for a VERY tearworthy discussion of her will with the kiddies. What a downer way to end the episode. So instead let’s talk about how next week everyone will be in the Hamptons and Erika will be joining in so she’ll probably have her first girl fight because there’s no way this bitch doesn’t ruffle somebody’s feathers. But I bet her and Kyle will have SO MuCh F-U-N!

 

Standard
RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills- “The M Word”

I just felt like maybe everyone needed to get a little crazy. You’re welcome. The good news is that my blog can’t be any worse than that. Did I do that on purpose? Obviously. Trick of the trade.

I wonder if Rosebud’s little nub legs stopped functioning properly because she was tortured with Erika Jayne’s music as a little donkey hybrid at the farm of misfit toys in Ohio. Who cares though, because Lisa has friends with cowboy hats to hand deliver TWO horses that aren’t retarded. These ones are from Texas…so suck it, Ohio. All memories of Rosebud are swept under the rug as Lisa bathes herself in tiny horse love. The love, it seems, is not very mutual as both horses refuse to enter her home and buck against their pink frilly leashes. As this all goes down, Lisa struts in front of them in awe of how calm they both are. It seems she’s still the most observant creature in all the land.

ponies

I guess Ken’s birthday that we’ve now celebrated for 3 weeks in a row has ACTUALLY arrived, so the little toy breeds have been purchased JUST IN TIME. What’s more shocking than Lisa buying Ken a present for herself is probably the fact that Ken isn’t in a wheelchair with a neck brace. I thought for sure he would have at least sustained severe injuries from getting spiked into the pool at his own birthday party. KEN IS INVINCIBLE. He hates his birthday gift though because he’s the one who’ll have to pick up all the horse shit. HA-HA KEN. 70 years old but you still haven’t lost that colorful sense of humor. You haven’t fooled me for one second that you don’t have a specific human to pick up poop on staff at your Villa Rosa zoo of animals. I mean you have swans for Pete’s sake. THOSE THINGS SHIT ERREWHERE. Stop being so dramats and cuddle your freak horses before they probably die unexpectedly from complications of breeding tiny animals that are meant to weight 1000 lbs.

While we’re on the topic of sad things, let’s touch upon the fact that Erika can’t kick it with her husband during the day cause he has to WORK. Ugh, what a struggle. She does call him every five minutes to tell him what she’s eating though. JK she works really hard shimmying her gigantic ass into mesh bodysuit after mesh bodysuit. Then once said sequin nylon has been rippled over her T&A, she drops it down in front of a mirror. Satisfied with a day of hard work she goes home and calls Mr. Girardi to ask him what he’s thinking and what he’s doing and when was the last time he went to the bathroom.

erikajayne

In boringland, Eileen and Vince meet for lunch because sometimes they go days without seeing each other. In Eileen’s words, sometimes they’re both working, and sometimes one is working and the other isn’t, and sometimes they’re both home. Whoa. Anyway, Vince WAS working…on his gambling at the track and won big. For a rich person to say that I was expecting it to be thousands and then he really let me down by saying it was like 600 bucks. That seems like chump change. Not to me personally…I won $12.50 at the track once and you would’ve thought I was Diddy at the bar that night the way I was flashing my winnings. I also don’t work in Hollywood soo….a little different. Also Vince made me laugh out loud when he tells Eileen she’s not allowed to yap at him until afternoon because she’s a caffeine monster. I support this wholeheartedly. If I had to interact with Eileen after java I would also tell her she had to play the quiet game until she’s tired herself out. Rules are rules.

Rinna lunches with her kids and continues to spend an exorbitant amount of time convincing viewers that her teens aren’t spoiled, meanwhile Kyle continues to show us that hers are obnoxxxxxxxious. They hit up the Piercing Pagoda—if that’s what you call a private jeweler who also apparently does piercings on the side. Sophia, as you recall is terrified of needles and made a G-D SCENE last time she got her ears pierced. She’s a real baby bitch about it and yet keeps getting her F’ing ears pierced on TV. This time around she wears shades inside. It didn’t distract from her high pitch screeching and tears. Her mom had to sit in her lap. Isn’t this girl in college?! Pull it together. Prayers to this lady at a high-end jewelry store putting up with these morons. Portia was up next and it was hysterics 2.0. She couldn’t even go through with it so she left with the ole one hoop look. Supes trendy.

piercing1

In a couples hang at Yo’s Malibu house (instead of germ-tastic condo), Erika wants David’s opinion on her music. He’s like errrr I only work with good musicians…sooo. Then Yolanda has a brilliant idea and suggests Erika Jayne join David onstage in a performance for the Pope and Andrea Bocelli. Do we think the Pope knows what “pat the puss” is? Cause he gonn’ LEARN.

patthepuss

Even though Kim is no longer mumbling incoherent things on this show…doesn’t mean we can’t show clips of her mumbling incoherent things in made for TV movies. Lisa invites the ladies over to stare at her ponies but first they must gossip. Kim apparently threw some social media shade at Lisa and her penance is to be brutally made fun of by Bravo. I think we can all agree this was a win. After cutting to a clip of Kim at last year’s reunion saying she wouldn’t just do anything for a buck, they smoothly transition into her getting squashed by a shark in Sharknado 3. I truly appreciated the thinly veiled attempt to laugh at Kim’s expense. Andy Cohen giveth and taketh away as he pleases.

kim

Rinna gives me the ickies this week, which is rare, when she brings up Taylor’s dumb point again about Yolanda’s Instagram. Apparently Yo throwing a filter on some Canadian vacay pics means that she has Munchausen’s Disease. According to the Wikipedia page, which Rinna does a dramatic reading of, it means Yo is faking. Maybe if Rinna saw Yolanda’s health advocate divvying up baggies of pills like she was throwing Gogurt’s and Dunkaroos into a brown paper bag for lunch each day of Yo’s vacation, she wouldn’t be such a twat. Rinna then takes this time to make everything about herself and tear up for even taking part in a conversation that questions this. Rinna just bumped herself to the Yolanda shit list with that one. It looks like Eileen and Erika are the only Pro-Yo’s left. To lay on the disrespect, I have to then watch Kyle and Eileen chase two tiny horses around in stilettos and try to mount them. AH, MY EYES.

yoyo

Standard
RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Ciao, Tuscany!”

Screen Shot 2015-12-09 at 11.25.14 AM

Do you feel like enough time has passed since last season’s reunion where Kyle and Kim went at each other’s throats? I don’t. I don’t think enough time will ever pass to make that any less uncomfy. We’ll have to get over it because there may only be one Richards sister on this season (so far) but the dirrty family laundry continues to be aired. This week’s installment is the impending nuptials of Nicky Hilton. You know, Paris’s sister. She’s getting married at a palace in London, cause she’s a Hilton. And Kyle has been uninvited to the wedding. Why? BECAUSE KATHY SAYS SO. And what Kathy says, goes. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Kathy is not thrilled about how her sisters have been muddying the family name on reality TV as she watches in her Ivory Hilton tower, but that’s neither here nor there. To reiterate: I’m on Team Kathy. Cause if you’re not on Kathy’s side you’re disinvited from the wedding event of the season. Kyle finds a way to weasel her way back onto Kathy’s good side and get invited to the wedding again. Except the rest of her family can’t come. BOLD. Apparently Portia’s in the wedding and Kyle can go but everyone else can kick rocks. When Lisa tries to point out how bananas this is, Kyle’s like it’s nobody’s biz, shut the hell up. Except she’s made it our biz..so0oo0o…that comment has about as much validity as saying that I was almost a Victoria’s Secret Angel.

I wouldn’t want to miss this…

Speaking of Angels, momma of the newest to be winged (and my ferocious girl crush) Yolanda, is still struggle city this episode and it breaks my little heart. Yo goes in for a procedure to take all the metal out of her mouth because it might be adding to her illness but she’s not really sure. The surgery looks like the WORST and she feels like she’s choking and can’t breathe but don’t you fret because David to the rescue! Foster rolls in mid-procedure to grab her hand and kiss her numb, gaping mouth. At the end, he seals the deal of best hubs ever by making a groan worthy joke to the doc about if they can have sex right away. Ugh. David. If I were Yo I probably would’ve already had the papers drawn at that point. I’m actually surprised he didn’t wheel a piano into the operating room and request that the nurses sing backup like one of their dreadful dinner parties.

Husband of the year should probably go to Harry after the amount that Rinna tosses her mom haircut around to attract attention to her new diamond earrings. “Guess who got these for me?” she goads to her daughters and when they stare at her cluelessly she exclaims, “HARRY HAMLIN!” I feel like “dad” could’ve sufficed in this scenario rather than using government names with the children they made together. I’m going to assume Rinna doesn’t get a lot of lavish gifts with the way she’s put up a billboard about these earrings. Or she does and she acts like this every time, in which case I might need a breather from Rinna. JK she’s one of the realest on the show. I need to keep her in my pocket.

Rinna & Eileen (whose existence on this season so far is to mourn the loss of her father in law Dick Van Patten) act like compassionate humans and visit Yolanda in her white plushy den of illnesses. Yolanda lies on a white bed in a white robe awaiting her lady callers. The girls take their time to snoop around Yo’s new place looking at pictures and into medicine cabinets that would be an absolute goldmine for a drug dealer with the wall-to-wall pills Yo’s been stashing. Rinna reveals that her daughter has a monster crush on Anwar Hadid. Who doesn’t—amirite?! I would kill for a setup of these two for an awkward on-camera tween date. I live for that shit. PLS make it happen, Andy. That’s all I want for Christmas. Anyway, the gals all sit down and talk about colonics and being full of shit. Eileen’s sister died after being sick for a while so she’s really feeling for Yolanda. These two seem genuine and have actually been supportive of Yolanda on camera.

Turds 1 and 2, otherwise known as Lisa and Kyle—on the other hand…are on an economy vacation. HAHA. LoLz. Kyle and Co. are just yachting all over Italy and about to meet up with Lisa and Ken in a Tuscan villa. Kyle’s yacht is bigger than anything I’ve ever lived in and this is essentially just their vacation transportation. Typical. An extra hearty snicker for Kyle talking about going shopping in Florence and then adding at the end: I also want to check out the museums. Mauricio literally laughs right in her grillpiece at how fake that statement was. Mauricio shouldn’t be laughing though because he’s the kind of asshole vacationer who NEEDS to show off his knowledge of other languages at every chance he gets. ARRIVEDERCI he shouts in a haughty voice as he pops into his Ferrari to drive to the villa.

For what it’s worth (nothing), the “Butler” at the villa doesn’t even know how old it is when Kyle asks so he’s obviously a hired Italian actor. Lisa and Ken arrive to the “many many years old” villa after shouting at their Italian Uber to turn up the AC cause it’s not like it’s BOILING in the backseat or anything. They also spent the ride throwing shade at Yolanda for once calling the Amalfi Coast a chore. To be fair, that’s an asshole thing to say…but so is Ken pointing out that Kyle only wears mu-mu’s. Ken is turning into quite the little catty bitch for someone whose about to be 70 years old. SEVENTY. AS IN MY GRANDMA’S AGE. I thought people stopped giving an F when they got that old. Take a page from my Gammy’s book, Ken. Play peaknuckle with your buds once a week, eat dinner at 4:30 and take advantage of all senior citizen discounts. Stop worrying about the fashion and makeup preferences of your wife’s friends.

rarri

Anyway, Ken probably gets put down for his afternoon nap while Lisa and Kyle take the ‘rarri out for a joyride in the Italian countryside because they’re rich and we’re not. Then they spend a significant amount of time piling it on Yo again because they’re the worst and they can. Kyle does what she does best and makes Yolanda’s illness about herself. Apparently when Kyle’s mom died she was convinced she had a disease but it turned out to all be mental and related to her depression. Cool story, Kyle. Let Yolanda try to find a cure and stop chirping her for not wearing eyeliner.

Standard
RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Life’s A Pitch”

rhobhs6

To be completely honest I was about ready for quittin time after last season’s shit show of events. What drew me back in for the premiere and another season of recapping was the promise of fresh plastic and the cutting of dead weight. Brandi wasn’t in, Kim bowed out (was sent to rehab) and it gave me new hope for a season with less shrieking Euro-brawls and more displays of exorbitant wealth that these betches think is the norm. So I’m giving this season the ole college try and since they have yet to integrate the newly hired cast members who come off as “old friends” included in a group dinner party, last night’s episode was fairly boring and full of housekeeping. No, not the kind done by imported hired help, but the kind where we’re brought up to date on who’s still friends and who isn’t after they hurled insults at each other during the reunion.

First thing’s first…let’s discuss our new taglines. Kyle, taking a page from being the most obnoxious person alive, maintained her “I’m a Beverly Hills native but I’m SO down to earth and normal” shtick that she spews out a new version of every season. Oh Kyle, you’re soooo amahhhhzing and NEVER fake. Eileen uses her tagline to remind us she’s an actress. AS IF WE COULD EVER FORGET SHE WON AN EMMY. Seriously, her line was “I may be an actress but that doesn’t mean I’ll stick to your script” when really it should have been “I may be an actress but I also won an Emmy.” Rinna makes play on words about how she’s a blabbermouth AND has giant lips, showing she’ll never stop being self-aware. (“My lips were made for talking and that’s just what I’ll do.”) AND one of our newbies, Erika comes in HOT with, “I’m an enigma wrapped in a riddle and cash.” SO many questions and yet we still have yet to meet this broad. Most importantly, do we think she knows what enigma means?

Remember how Brandi spent all last season trying to lick Lisa’s vag for forgiveness? Well forgiveness was NOT granted but you know what…who needs Brandi when you’re throwing out a pitch for the Dodgers? Lisa has become somewhat of a LGBTQ celeb…the word celeb is used QUITE loosely here as I’m pretty confident her LGBTW advocate “work” was opening a bunch of gay clubs in Hollywood and being BFF’s with Lance Bass. Either way, she’s invited to throw a pitch and the Dodgers send hottie catcher AJ Elis over to “practice” or essentially just to be there while Lisa makes a bunch of ball innuendos and dirty jokes about her nonexistent sex life with her corpse of a husband. At the game, she wears the tackiest outfit I’ve ever laid eyes on and worries about throwing terribly. With a pink rhinestone trucker hat on I speak for everyone in the stadium when I say No1 currrs. Her throw doesn’t make it to the plate but that’s ok because she redeems herself by running with her boobs pushed out like she was gonna chest bump AJ and I’m disappointed that she didn’t, if we’re being honest.

princesspitch

While Eileen learns tired old storylines for the Young & Restless as she effortlessly pedals a stationary bike, Rinna feels like she’s made it because she was asked to do “Where Are They Now” on the OWN network. If Rinna’s pinnacle of her career is a show on a channel that no one knows, I can’t imagine what she would do if she got a network cameo. It’s okay to make jokes about Rinna’s acting career guys, cause she’ll do ANYTHING for money. EXCEPT a diarrhea commercial…yet she did one for depends sooo…how are these two things different? Either way these ladies are working hard for their money, while Kyle’s first appearance this season is picking out overpriced pink diamond studded sunglasses that I’m almost positive Paris Hilton probably rocked in the early 2000’s at the height of pink heels and jean skirts. Stay humble, Kyle.

paris

All of that dumb shit pales in comparison to what we really learned in last night’s episode. Yolanda has been basically wasting away from Lyme disease and all of her BH friends are terrible human beings who have left her to deteriorate and talk shit about her. Lisa and Kyle do lunch to compare rich people sunglasses and question if Yo is faking her Lyme disease to duck out of hanging out with them. These two are a couple of trolls. If I had a choice between lying on the couch and watching TV or going to a party with them I’d choose the couch 110% of the time and I’m a healthy individual. Even though Lisa doesn’t really like Yolanda because she yelled at Ken one time three years ago, she still is “concerned”. Obviously not concerned enough because when they all roll up to Rinna’s birthday dinner, Lisa makes a point to say that Yolanda looks like a pile of dirty garbage.

yoyo

Leave it to Kyle to wear a romper designed for a 25 year old to Rinna’s birthday so she can talk about how she doesn’t like wearing shorts all night while Yolanda rolls up with no makeup, her hair pulled back and a casj monochromatic number. She brings a new friend with her who happens to be the mom of Cody Simpson. They became friends from their kids dating but stayed friends on camera so that Cody Simpson’s mom can get a reality show contract, probably.

Anyway, after witnessing that horrific birthday dinner full of people staring at Yo with their mouths open like Kim Richards just stumbled in and laid across the table with a turtle, I pretty much lost faith in humanity. This woman attended dinner without a makeup artist spending hours on her face painting a masterpiece and her friends couldn’t form a sentence without dribbling wine on themselves from shock and disgust. Yolanda was a SUPERMODEL. She literally still looks like a SUPERMODEL without makeup. Yeah she looked roughsicle but it’s because she’s sick so everyone STFU and stop making her feel like dust. AND THEN KEN…the crustiest old man with a blowout announcing that he only complimented Yolanda to make her feel good because it’s his duty on this earth to make girls feel great with his fake compliments. VOMIT. I can’t WAIT for YoYo to tear him a new one at this season’s reunion. Anyway, moral of the story, Rinna your birthday and where Harry Hamlin is on your speed dial means absolutely nothing when someone has the nerve to arrive without eyelash extensions, k?

 

Things that made me laugh:

-Kyle waiting roughly 10 minutes before hawking her scripted show about her childhood that sounds boring as rocks and will get cancelled in its first week. Kathy doesn’t approve of it because she’s classy famous and Kim doesn’t approve of it because she’s scary AF.

-Rinna making her daughter work at a deli to buy her own car yet taking both girls shopping at a boutique where the tees are at least $50. #AllAboutThatBudget

-Eileen deciding to downsize/redecorate her home literally because Brandi compared it to a trunk full of shit from Antiques Roadshow last season. I find this downright hilarious. The haters gonna hate, hate, hate and I’m just gonna listen to them and change my life accordingly.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/2/15

1. Ohhhhhhh, ah, ahhhhhhhhh this is ALLL THATTT, this is ALLLL THAAATTT. The OG cast of ALL THAT! reunited recently at Comikaze and I didn’t recognize anyone but Laurie Beth Denberg and Kel soooo yiiikkkeessss. But they were really excited to be famous again for a hot second and they all sang the entire theme song, originally done by TLC of course. Some of them also made an appearance at Comicon in October to throw it back to their famous characters and tell stories from back in the day so it will only be a matter of time until someone ships an All That official reunion or revival. One person we know won’t be joining in is Amanda Bynes, for obvious reasons. Also it’s been 20 years since the premiere of All That so bye, I’m ancient. I sincerely hope that piece of JUice was vital information for your every day life.

2. Say Hello To Your Friends…Babysitters Club. 

I feel like there will never be a week where I don’t include 90’s reunions because it’s all the rage these days. Sarry not sarry bout it that the 90s were the shit. Your favorite kid-loving, business-minded girlies reunited in Austin, TX this week. Why? Oh, cause it’s also their 20th anniversary….woo00oooff. They all cuddled around each other and reminisced on the days when they spent a whole summer playing with snot-nosed kids. Who would ever choose that. But anyway, noticeably missing was Claudia–did they freeze her out because she almost didn’t pass that science test? (The brain, the brain, the center of the chain.) The girls are seen cozying up to Cokie Mason, so I guess they settled their differences with her. More importantly what does Logan look like now? Is he still a dreamboat. So many questions, most will never be answered. Oh, awkward, I guess one of my questions was just answered by the below tweet. HOW DO YOU LOSE A HUMAN?

3. Jason Derulo is on even when he’s hungover. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fJ-TdyZtKE

Leave it to Jason to be clubbin it up until 6am and still be on fire with energy and charisma the next day. James Corden takes singers out for carpool karaoke every once in a while and it’s pretty much always hilarious but it’s not a secret that I have a monster crush on Jason Derulo and if you also do, then this 10 minute video is must-see-TV. When I’m in my car alone I like to refer to it as a concert and you better believe I’m hitting every high note. When someone else joins me in the car I immediately tone it down to whisper singing obviously because they haven’t paid the proper admission for my angel octaves. The fact that James Corden is driving with the actual singer of the music he’s listening to and he’s not holding back is awesome. No shame. Except for maybe those orthopedic sneaks he’s rocking during the dance scene.

4. Good news for your whiny emotional 13 year old self.

Good Charlotte is making a comeback. It’s possible that you might be thinking they have a more mature sound now that they’re both married adults, one with two children. Nope they sound exactly the same as the two whiny bitches who sang about murdering a girl’s boyfriend so they could be together. If you ever went through an emo punk rock phase in middle or high school you will rejoice in their new song. Here’s a peep at the chorus: “Like I’m dying tonight and the whole world is laughing, like everyone I love has gone away.” It’s such a shame that AIM doesn’t exist anymore because that would be a perfect away message for a rainy day…ending of course in LIFE’S A BITCH AND THEN YOU DIE. If you’re feeling like you might be a little too old and more emotionally well-adjusted with life to join Good Charlotte on their second musical journey, feel free to look back on the top angsty hits of your past years with my killer playlist here!

5. RHOBH New Season is Upon Us. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oy31RbsP9zw

And the most interesting part about this trailer is Gigi Hadid & Joe Jonas canoodling. No. Seriously. Not even Andrea Bocelli announced in YoYo’s fabulous accent could distract from the 1 second of teenage superstar interaction. Since everyone wanted to murder Brandi and her only ally on the show went back into rehab, we are down two characters which means of course that we will have two separate staged “hey thanks for coming over everyone, I want you to meet my friend blah blah blah, I think she will get along great in our group.” One would think after so many different cities and season of the Housewives franchise, Andy would have found a better way to assimilate new cast members into the group they’re being paid to hang out with on camera, but whateva. I will be recapping until I want to stab my eyes out. At least I still have my girl Yo to keep me sane.

BONUS: Becky & Jesse are forever the cool aunt & uncle.

Standard