The Bachelorette- Eskimo Brothers

HEY! Give yourself a round of applause because we made it through the MOST DRAMATIC season EVER (read: shittiest season ever) and for that we deserve all the awards. Not so fast though, first we have to watch the final episode “Live from LA” so they can insert a bunch of audience reactions and Chris Harrison one liners to fill up the extra time. We pick up with Kaitlyn talking about how good it is to be back in LA as the caption flashes Malibu. It’s time for the boys to meet Kaitlyn’s family NOT in her hometown, because budget travel. Kait breaks the news that a guy from another season snuck his way on and is in her bottom two, her sister with the most unfortunate case of skunk head, is immediately like NICK V OMGEEEEE.

While sis fans herself, momma Leslie has some very strong feelings toward Nick from watching Andi’s season and those feelings are that he’s a D-bag. Kaitlyn is like you can’t judge him Mom, GAWD. Then Kaitlyn proceeds to casually tell her family that she slept with Nick so she’s created a nice little situation for him to walk into.

Speaking of, enter brillopad-head wearing an open button down, a white undershirt and an armful of wooden beaded bracelets. He cleans up nice. Once Kaitlyn warns him that her parents have pictured them having sex, he admits he’s nervous now, Kaitlyn is like yeah you’re pretty much F’ed. Nick’s talk with Leslie is epic because she calls him arrogant and possessive but then it goes downhill real quick because Nick turns on the waterworks and wins Les over by the end. He also puts on a show for Kaitlyn’s dad and gets the blessing.

But enough about that, it takes Shawn .2 seconds into meeting Kaitlyn’s family to blow Nick out of the water. He brings the heat with his thoughtful family gifts, makes a wedding quality toast before dinner and has Leslie (soon-to-be reality show star) vying for his attention as she asks if she can steal him away. Unfortunately, she wants to twist the knife and talk to Shawn about the S-E-X thing. He handles it well, by letting Leslie lick chocolate sauce off his abs. Hair queen Haley is #TeamShawn and it makes me wonder if anyone is actually #TeamNick. Finally, he asks both parents together for permission to marry Kaitlyn and obviously walks out with an invite on the next family vacay because, duh.

Chris Harrison pops up again to take a quick audience poll if the family liked Shawn (all the applause) or Nick (only his family meekly clapped) best. This is why they pay him the big bucks.

Unfortunately, even though everyone in America knows who has already won, we’re forced to live through more sloppy kisses as Nick and Kaitlyn have their last date. They drink champagne on a boat and Nick says, “I look forward to having you on my couch.” Of course you do, Nick. Later Nick takes a cue from every horny college frat bro and tells Kaitlyn, “I got you something, it’s in my bedroom.” Nick’s gift surprisingly is not his penis but a framed photo of their first date with a queer poem next to it about the electricity of kisses. Also he spelled energy wrong. Kaitlyn becomes putty in his hands just because of a cheesy poem that didn’t rhyme instead of retching, which is how I responded to this gift.

Kaitlyn and Shawn’s last date is so terribly awkward that I’m going to pretend it never happened. There’s some heavy petting…of Shawn’s leg and then FF to later because Shawn gives a dope ass gift and at this point, seriously Nick who? Shawn gifts her with a memory jar of pictures and notes. He probably didn’t spell anything wrong and also still has cool points because he didn’t write a shitty poem. Crushed it. Still reeling from the best gift ever, ABC throws a gratuitous shirtless morning scene from Shawn right at us with no warning and I audibly gasped. They may not be in an exotic land, but does that even matter when Shawn’s 100-pack fills the screen? No. No it does not. Shawn clothes himself just in time for Neil Lane to arrive with the rings.

Meanwhile, Nick drinks coffee with his shirt on, buttoned up. BOOOOOO. See yourself out, Nick. Neil shows up and Nick tells his sordid tale about how last time when he was expecting Neil, Andi came instead and sent him to dumpsville: population one. Neil is like oh really? That’s nice why don’t you open up my briefcase of rings and let’s get this product placement over with. After getting a nice boost of confidence for making it far enough to pick the ring, Nick bounces out of the limo FIRST (death sentence) and tells Kaitlyn how obsessed he is with her. Just as he’s reaching into his pocket for that ring, Kaitlyn goes NO. It is BRUTAL but also AWESOME. Shutdown nation. Sucks to suck, Nicholas..bet ya kinda regret jumping back into the TV dating game to get dumped all over again, huh? He leaves, a lover scorned scheming of ways to get back at her on After the Rose and chucks that precious Dublin claddagh ring right alongside his dignity. Nick’s famous last words? “I am the world’s biggest joke.” Cut to Chris Harrison and a terrrrrrible reaction shot of Nick’s family looking like he hung himself on national television. YIKES. According to Chris everyone is stunned to silence and according to the producers we need to watch this silence for an extra 30 seconds so that we, too, can feel as uncomfy as the people sitting next to the Viall family.

For our grand finale of hair, abs and TRUE LOVE, enter the babe soda that is Shawn Booth. In his best version of monotone, Shawn reads a speech you might find at the end of a rom com straight from a teleprompter and I still find it baffling that no one questions how scripted these final moments are each season. The good news is that they both agree it was love at first limo and Kaitlyn will never bone Nick again (for a bit). They get engaged to date for a couple of months and I could not be more pleased with this pairing…Also SURPRISE! to everyone who somehow avoided the spoiler snapchat that made it’s rounds for roughly 2 months on the interweb.

Not to be the person who said I told you so…but ABSOLUTELY to be that person, here is a lovely excerpt from my first blog about this season’s contestants published on May 13th, 2015:

Give it to me in that Blue V-neck with your thumbs hooked into your pockets, Shawn B. So duhs that Shawn B is a hottie with a body, but his details really seal the deal for top choice. His favorite music includes country and “One Direction, obviously.” His greatest achievement so far is when him and his dad bought an 1888 farm house and rehabbed/rebuilt it. Lastly, if he could be anyone for the day he would be his dog to see what goes on in his head. SHAWN B KNOWS HOW TO FLOOD A CHICK’S BASEMENT. He’s a directioner, essentially is Noah Calhoun from The Notebook, which means he’s basically Ryan Gosling and he’s a dog lover. Sold. Why is he still single? Britt doesn’t deserve him. Kaitlyn and Shawn B. for the final rose. Book it.

NBD but HBD, people. It’s called blogger’s intuition like you read about. You’re welcome, America.

And for those who didn’t stay up past their bedtime in gleeful hopes of catching a final Nick vs. Shawn showdown…here’s a quick summary of AFTER THE ROSE:

There’s more heavy leg petting, lots of Kait & Shawn smooching and even more pans to little Bella sobbing in the audience, methinks this girl is going to need a good deal of therapy. The buildup of our bro fight results in Shawn and Nick sitting on a tiny couch, crossing their legs in a power stance so their feet are almost touching. To be clear, Shawn does the leg cross first and Nick immediately copies him. #EskimoBrothersForLife

Also, Nick has finally learned his lesson and was a PR dream for the entire after show, using his words nicely and not speaking from the boned and thrown heartbreak that probably consumes his life. To end on an uplifting note, my father who watched the finale of Andi’s season and never saw a minute of the Bachelor(ette) afterwards responded to my text about Nick’s double dumping with “I bet he has pics of her hoo-ha to put online. He’s that kind of guy!!” Good riddance, Nick. I will not misssssSsssSssth you.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Bearded Bros Tell Nothing

In the spirit of doing whatever it takes to fill two hours, the program starts off with a preview (possibly an entire episode?) of Bachelor in Paradise followed by a recap of what happened this season. Hey, we’ve been watching this show for far too many weeks, WE GOT IT. No need for a highlight reel. Know what else there’s no need for? Every guy who ever sniffed at Kaitlyn this season. Not only do we have the frontrunners who made it until the end (the only ones who really matter) ABC has also given the assholes another shot at their fifteen minutes of fame. Like Ian, who has stayed humble and hungry. And Ryan M. who has stayed creepy and apparently also styled his hair in what should forever be known as toupee chic. Let’s not forget about Kupah either, who will willingly throw his two cents in about things that happened AFTER he was kicked off that just enraged him.

Check that hair though.

But before all that, Tanner the gossip queen takes the floor and the first shots at Ian. His gripe is that it was really mean when Ian called them all lames. Yeah they made fart jokes but they ALSO had deep convos, so HA. Tanner demands that Ian apologize to Kaitlyn and then Corey…oh, who is that you ask? Let me remind you…

The dad apparently feels a need to seize these precious last moments in front of a camera and delivers this zinger, “I don’t think that she took the responsibility of being the bachelorette the best that she could.” To be clear, no one asked him. Ian responds to all of this by taking his jacket off and getting down on bended knee in front of the glaring bros to say he regrets what he said, how he left and apologizes to the guys, everyone who was offended and his mother for being a real dick on national television, because that’s just not who he is. HE’S A MODEL WHO DEFIED DEATH AND HAS BEEN AROUND THE WORLD A FEW TIMES, DAMNIT. JK he lays it on thick and the contesticles eat that shit right up giving him the classic handshake, clap on the back for his clearly souped up apology. Cut to Chris Harrison, the one man show going HA-HA you just never know what you’re gonna get, folks as he flashes his gleaming white smile and points a finger gun. STAY TUNED FOR THE GAY RELATIONSHIP WE FABRICATED WITH EDITING….Up NEXT.

Corey is first to comment on the Clay-J sitch, because his opinion is vital to my life. He’s mad at Clint for being arrogant and making everyone feel alienated. Clint sets the record straight, if you know what I mean. Apparently, JJ just reminded him of a friend back home so that’s why they liked to play tummy sticks. JJ hops in and uses a lot of air quotes when describing the “bromance” but when Chris Harrison calls him out for using the quotes, JJ fires back with maybe if this show didn’t splice clips together and use romantic music and taglines turning my friendship into a gay porn, there wouldn’t be a need for them. I may be paraphrasing there. He might’ve just said “You tell me, Chris.” I was ready to be all Team JJ until he said this, “We’re intellectually curious about each other. There was a lot of meat to that for me.” Nope, you’re now playing into Clay-J and therefore I’m firmly Team When Will This Show End. Later on in the hot seat, JJ tells C.Harrison that he really “blew it” his last night with Clint and the peanut gallery of bros erupts into laughter. You can’t even script this shit. Just kidding–you can–and they did.

Benzy comes in to take things down a notch or 100 when we relive the story of how his mom died and talk about how he had his walls up. But don’t worry, he’s come out with a positive outlook and learned from his journey that you can open up about all your feels. Don’t cry because it’s over, Benzy, smile because it happened. JK he still hasn’t cried, maybe someday those babe soda tears will roll down his brooding face. Chris rubs his hands together in anticipation as he says, there’s nothing wrong with a good cry. LET IT OUT. I assume C. Harrison is about to play the beginning montage from the movie Up before producers are like ok, enough we need to move on, man tears or not.

Chris basically invited Jared onstage to force words into that poorly goatee’d mouth of his. C. Harrison’s line of questioning includes, Did you think you were the odd man out in that rose ceremony? But you loved the girl, right? But like when you watch it back you probably get more confused about why you were sent home right? Jared keeps it diplomatic and just repeats that he’s thankful for his journey and he listens to “Linger” on repeat via his walkman while he sobs in his room all day erreday.

Sweet, sweet boring buttercup Ben H. walks to the stage and there’s not a dry seat in the house judging by the screeches and howls from the all-ladiez crowd. Ben is a perfect gentleman as he obviously is vying for the Bachelor slot and will probably win it according to audience reactions. Snooze. Finally, we get some BTS deets on the infamous off camera visit. Ben and Shawn were roomies in San Antonio, Shawn got a king bed and Ben got a cot, ’cause Shawn’s abs. Kaitlyn put an invisibility cloak on and snuck into their room where the threesome spent 3 hours talking about life, Kaitlyn and Shawn in the King and Ben essentially on the ground…a foreshadowing. But then, Ben had to shower and womp womp, the rest is history. All it took was those extra two minutes while Ben was conditioning for Kaitlyn to tell Shawn he was the one and seal his fate. Ben probably curses his shiny hair to this day.

Finally our turtledove-in-waiting steps into the hot seat for a little popcorn reading of her hate tweets ever since she had sex on TV. Oh shit, sorry I didn’t mean to give out any spoilers guys, did you hear that Kaitlyn had sex on TV and it’s controversial only because it happened before fantasy suites? Anyway, they read some tweets from people who hate themselves but don’t give out their names which is kind of counter-productive. If we’re going to shame people for being terrible humans, midas whale give out their very public Twitter handle so the internet can bully them for being bullies. That’s how it works, right? Seems like a missed opportunity. Anyway after some tears and golden reaction shots from the audience about fat unemployed people who tweet death threats from their mom’s basement, it’s time for the guys to settle up with Kaitlyn.

It goes something like this: Kaitlyn talks to Jared and tells him he’s great. Then Kaitlyn talks to Ben H. and tells him he looks great. Everything is SO great. I’m about to doze off in my bowl of ice cream when suddenly, fiery Kaitlyn makes an appearance and I’m ALL IN. Jonathan…this guy:

tells Kaitlyn it hurt his feelings when she brought Nick on board after looking 25 guys in the eye and saying her husband was in that room the first night. Kaitlyn doesn’t miss a beat and is all I’mma let you finish but didn’t you vote for Britt?

Corey wants to add something about Nick as well and I literally wish everyone would just look at him and say in unison,

Ryan M. gets to take his horned up toupee head and march down to Kaitlyn to give her the rose that he spiked off of the ground when he was kicked off for being a drunk asshole who slapped her ass and yelled about raping people. Ah, what a joy it is to have him back on my TV. Ian also does a 2.0 of his knee level apology, except whoopsie he gets a leg cramp and immediately has to stand up. It’s probably a residual injury from his near death experience but I’m surprised he doesn’t tell us. Either way, Kaitlyn responds to both of these morons with

Last and certainly least, we get a blooper reel of Kaitlyn screeching about birds and the only thing that saves it: more Amy Schumer shitting on JJ. How they ever cut any of her material from this turd of a season is beyond me. Afterward, Joe puts on a bird mask and runs at Kaitlyn who promptly screams and runs then is like well the joke’s on you I’m actually afraid of the flapping noise. Ok, then why did you just shit your pants at a grown man with a bird mask on? Smooth.

So all that happened and yet we DIDN’T get what we truly deserved and that’s obviously Cupcake addressing the Niagara Falls and hiccups that came roaring from his precious Ken doll face while he leaned over the Cliffs of Moher, hoping someone would give him a soft push.

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And finally, I really could’ve used an awkward Brady and Britt reunion post-breakup after they dated for a week and wore matching beanies to the beach and talked about how they were soul mates who were together to fill that awkward gap while the credits rolled.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- SLEEPOVER PARTY!!!

I missed the first 10 minutes of last night’s episode because I had after work adult beverages and then made the executive decision to go grocery shopping while buzzed. It was not a decision I recommend anyone else make. I ran over my own foot with the grocery cart and bought a frozen pizza that I later burnt my tongue on. Needless to say it’s for the best that I don’t drink on school nights. I arrived back home just in the nick of time to catch Ben wearing the SHIT out of a cream Irish knit sweater. Yum. Anyway, Ben and Kaitlyn are exploring the majestic Irish countryside because it seems that production has made some travel budget cuts this year and the cast is stranded in Ireland until they can save up enough to fly coach to their next location. Ben tells Kaitlyn about how he just turned 26 on the show, in a way someone brings up their birthday to make the other person feel shitty for not knowing. Kaitlyn is 30 so like rawr, cougar status. But Ben is all, age is just a number, it doesn’t make one bit of a difference, which is something that someone who is much younger can say, because they still have their youth and nothing to be bitter about. Ben is invited to stay the night in the fantasy castle suite and immediately issues a castle-wide boner kill when he gleefully shouts “best.sleepover.ever.” as visions of braiding each other’s hair and sneaking an R rated movie dance around his head.

I’m assuming that’s what they do as Kaitlyn reveals in the morning that she only got a half hour of sleep, you know, cause they were pullin pullin pullin an all-nighter. Ben’s best sleepover ever couldn’t be complete without him borrowing a pair of Kaitlyn’s capri sweats for the walk of shame, shame being the key word here. All I’m thinking is…

Hey guys, remember Shawn, my former favorite who doesn’t know what show he’s on? Kaitlyn gifts him with a hot pink polo because they will be golfing for their date. Kaitlyn’s efforts to make him look like a loser fail horribly because Shawn can pull off ANY color and look fabulous. Unfortunately he quickly ruins my drool sesh by using golf as a shitty metaphor for love. He muses, “Golf is like love because the goal is to get a hole in one”….or something along those lines. Since they both suck at golf, the day quickly spirals to a game of Truth or Dare because I guess this week’s theme is middle school. Shawn picks dare because, duh and he’s dared to strip down and golf in the nude. He takes off his pants to reveal he’s wearing as he called them “compression leggings” and as America calls them, long johns. Shawn leaves his socks on because he’s a gentleman, and there IS a strict golf course dress code. The point being, Shawn gets a SIZEABLE black box. Amirite, ladies? Bless your dirty birdie soul, Kaitlyn.

Later at dinner, Kaitlyn brings up why the hell Shawn always gets his ankle-length undies in a twist over Nick. Shawn gets REAL fired up and compares Nick to a thirteen year old girl for spreading rumors. This leads to Kaitlyn giving Shawn the key to the fantasy suite, so that they can stay up all night and talk shit about Nick and maybe also prank call him. The morning after, Shawn struts out of the suite, right into Nick’s waiting clutches. “Oh sup, Shawn, fancy running into you here, can I steal you away for a minute?”-Nick asks. They sit down and shout words at each other. The end. I don’t want to watch one more minute of these two fighting like baby bitches and therefore refuse to recap it.

Kaitlyn puts on a sexy cleavage-baring red dress to sit down with Chris Harrison and talk boyz. Obviously this decision is going to be very DIFFICULT and PAINFUL, which is why after her intro rose speech, Kaitlyn needs a minute to properly wah. The decision is made that it will be Nick vs. Shawn in the bottom two, as if it could ever be any other way. Ben remains unlovable. JK. Call me, Ben ;). After Kaitlyn departs, they leave the remaining two locked in the room together with alcohol to see who makes it out alive. They both stuff their hands in their pockets and stare at the wall.

FINALLY the stay in Ireland is over and it’s off to Utah for both hometown visits. Wait. Did I hear that correctly? Yes. This show has shit on all traditions and instead brought the two families to meet Kaitlyn in the exotic locale of Utah. Nick is first and he blubbers to Kaitlyn that he loves her and apparently with Andi it would’ve been a leap of faith but this time he’s tote sure that this is it. Ok, Nick. Meanwhile, Nick’s TLC reality show sized family is assembled in a room crying together because they just learned that Nick has died a horrific death whoops, I mean they’re scared Nick’s going to get his heart stomped out on national TV again.

Kaitlyn meets Nick’s 100 siblings, vows to never remember any of their names again and announces that Nick has made it to the bottom two. Their reactions are an Oscar-worthy collective performance of YIIIIKES–he’s screwed! Things apparently go swimmingly enough after that because Nick and Kaitlyn do the “Carlton” in the middle of the family circle. WHAT? Nick’s sis Maria must have similar sentiments because she then takes Kaitlyn aside to ask WTF is going on here. Kaitlyn passes the test with flying colors then later tells a couch full of Nick’s brothers, “I’ve spent a lot of time with Nick and we really bonded.” They’re clearly picking up what she’s putting down, if you catch my drift. Finally, the smallest child in the Viall family, Bella comes in for the hard-hitting questions, to ask about Canada’s geography. Bella’s clearly not here for the right reasons.

Nick has a heart to heart with his mom where he reveals that Kaitlyn’s really good at making out. A suuuupes normal thing for a 34 year old to gab about with his mom. Then he reassures his worried mother that this time around is SO different than last year. Cause like last year Nick was so confident and this year he knows better. Then adds that he’s really confident and Kaitlyn definitely loves him. Lesson learned, Nicky V.

Next up is meeting the two Gods that created the slobberworthy specimen that is Shawn and his fellow genetic lottery winning siblings. Shawn has a lot of sisters and warns Kaitlyn that they’ll be tough and Kaitlyn is like no worries, sisters are my JAM. Well you know what’s NOT my jam? Shawn does NOT have an equally attractive brother for me. I’m so disappointed. Also fun fact: his sisters look NOTHING like him. Dark hair for days. Shawn talked a big game about how hard his sisters will judge and the minute they get one on one time with Kaitlyn they’re like love you to pieces, girlfran, welcome to the fam!!!! As the sisters act like putty in Kaitlyn’s hands, Papa Booth is like ok, Shawn, what’s the deal with all these shenanigans. Shawn is quick to tell dad, “well she told me I’m the one off camera soooo”…..BECAUSE WE WILL NEVER EVER HEAR THE END OF THAT. Like ever. In our final moments, Shawn and Kaitlyn cuddle up on the couch and Shawn bumbles on that he has something to tell her, he’s not falling in love with her…cause he’s IN love with her. GOOD ONE, SHAWN. You prankster, you. Then Kaitlyn goes outside to stare at the mountains and cry about picking just one.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- A Fantasy Pork in Cork

Saaarrryyyy this is a day late. I did that thing where I pretended the 4th of July went through Monday and had a tough time coming back to real life. Anyway, back to the not real life of Kaitlyn Bristowe. Did you guys know that she had sex? I wasn’t sure if you heard about it or anything but spoiler alert, Kaitlyn let someone enter her pre-fantasy suite and we’re never going to hear the end of it. I wonder what it’s like to have the whole world talking about your vagina because you banged someone you were dating? Mull it over while I talk about other things, but WE WILL RETURN TO THIS TOPIC. Why? Because this show won’t let it go.

“Let’s Make Today Unforgettable”- Ben

ABC rented an island for the day so that two adults could play hide and seek. Just kitten, Ben suggesting they play hide and seek was cute AF. That’s my kinda guy right there (immature.) Ben says the role of husband means being attracted to his wife. Kaitlyn says a husband is someone who won’t leave her when she gets annoying. Both valid points. Ben fears that he is unlovable. This is not an exaggeration; this is a literal dumb sentence that fell out of his open mouth. Shh, Ben just keep looking pretty. Kaitlyn is like that’s so great that you told me you think nobody loves you because I maybe, might, possibly could be thinking about falling in love with you. I’m guessing she’s a little gun shy after telling Shawn he was the one and having him poop himself about it. Ben says overnights are not about sex and he can’t wait to just talk all night. YIKES. Kaitlyn obviously assumes he’s a virg because he’d rather have a gab sesh slumber party. She asks him outright and he says, girl, please.

“Let’s Let Our Love Run Amuck”-Joe, Shawn, Nick

Say it with me now…

Shawn steals Kaitlyn to make up for lost time with his mouth. Then Kaitlyn asks Nick how he feels about the two of them having sex on TV before it’s ok to have sex on TV and he’s like I feel great, I don’t regret it at all and Kaitlyn is all yeah totally, me too, I was gonna say that…I just wanted to see what you were gonna say first. So apparently we’re all supposed to forget about the three weeks she cried and said it was a mistake or something.

Kaitlyn asks Joe if he’s ready marriage. He shows her he’s ready for it by coming at her face REAL quick with his eyes open for a smooch. (This will play out in my nightmares.) He then pours out all of his feels that he’s in love with her and will be frenching her until she’s 60. Slow your roll, Joe. Even though Joe’s shelf life was maximum another week, Kaitlyn gets all the uncomfies by him saying he loves her so she cuts him loose immediately. Joe handles it a WHOLE lot better than Cupcake. Instead of sobbing into a scarf and contemplating a hurdle to his death, he turns into a dick. He shakes off the sappies and tells Kaitlyn this was fun and when she tells him to stop acting tough he says, “nah it’s cool, no worries, man,” like his buddy just told him he accidentally drank his beer instead of totes getting his heart stomped on. It’s safe to say that I like Joe Cool 1000x better than the snoozefest we’ve seen this whole season. His bitter exit was the most entertaining thing to happen this episode.

After Joe skates out without allowing the cameras to capture his last thoughts, which probably would’ve been “it’s whatever…it was fun until it wasn’t,” Nick is sent back to the house and Shawn gets more date time. Kaitlyn word vomits up her sex confession and tells Shawn that her and Nick went too far. He wants to know why she’s telling him at all and I’d like to know why she’s only telling him…oh wait, because he’s clearly the ONE. Never mind, she did take-backsies on telling him that. Indian giver. Shawn excuses himself to go to the bathroom so he can try to flush himself down the toilet and escape this situation. Nick wah-wah’s that he didn’t get more time while Shawn softly weeps in the “Gents” room of a seafood restaurant. Finally Shawn decides to man up and accept that lispy got to plow Kaitlyn’s fields first (or at all.) Other things that happened: The phrase “forgone conclushion” comes out of Nick’s mouth roughly 4 times for no particular reason while he continues to blubber to the others about how Shawn’s getting time instead of him. Also Shawn only refers to Nick as “the other guy” and I feel like he could’ve come up with a more dig-tastic nickname than that.

Rose Ceremony:

There is no cocktail party because Kaitlyn already knows whom she’s going to ~~marry~~ date for a couple of months at this point and the rest is just for ratings and dissection of her sex life.

Shawn is called first and has decided to choose this moment during the rose ceremony to ask why she picked Nick to have sexual relations with when she KNOWS Shawn hates him. Alright Shawn, you’ve exhausted your possessive passes for this season. I can’t stand by this anymore. Obviously Kaitlyn thinks he doesn’t trust her. Go figure. He still accepts the rose. So do Ben & Nick and I have a glorious time bidding farewell to Jared because I never have to fight the very strong urge to punch him square in the face ever again.

Fantasy Suite with Nick (What’s the point?)

They go to a cathedral but instead of engaging in foreplay again, they talk about Nick’s parents meeting in church. Nick admits he’s not religious but felt really guilty “the first time he touched his privates” HIS PRIVATES. ICK. Ugh. Woof. Vomit. Other than sounding like a real perv and making me want to puke, I just wish that Nick would STOP USING WORDS THAT END IN S. He also says he has “insecurities.” (Double S’s)

In a creepy jail in Cork, Nick says he doesn’t like Shawn because he doesn’t respect guys “who say they’re Eskimo brothers with a country singer because they F’ed the same girl in the same night.” To be clear he shares this unprompted and pretty off topic, ok, narc. Smooth way to work that into the conversation. Also not for nothing but Shawn’s insta is full of pics with Thomas Rhett, so I’m using my investigative skills to assume that’s his Eskimo brother. Seems pretty bragworthy, jus sayin. Anywho, Kaitlyn is like ok thanks for sharing, let’s get right to the penetration. No mics during relations this time, because it’s acceptable to have sex in the fantasy suite but not before then. Remember? The next morning they share ham while barely dressed. Kaitlyn has some interesting morning hair but her full face of makeup makes me believe she did not wake up like this.

Shawn vs. Nick

Shawn rolls up on Nick and his toggle wool sweater and the two bro fight and say they hate each other. There is nothing noteworthy about this exchange, and yet still it needed to be continued. Until next week, when this argument probably ends with “F U, bruh.”

P.S. Brady and Britt are still together but Brady is going back to Nashville because he might have to work or go home at some point. Britt is still wearing a knit cap because this span of their relationship was all shot in one day. Ok. Thank you for the 30-second update, good luck with your “long distance” relationship.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- The Cliffs of No Moher Cupcake

We return to the couch of shame…Shawn asks Kaitlyn if she’s in love with him. Apparently he thinks it’s the Shawn show, and basically it is for me, but I guess other people might see this as a little egocentric. Shawn, bubby, baby, this is a scripted show and she has to give roses to other guys sometimes, otherwise your storyline would be demoted to the credits each week like Britt and Brady…because two people dating is not quality TV. Kaitlyn tells Shawnie to make a decision and he decides that they should mack it up on the couch. Good decision, Shawn. Bravo!

Meanwhile, Tanner, the town gossip and US Weekly’s #1 subscriber, talks shit with Nick about Shawn. Tanner rubs his palms together and cannot WAIT to see what happens when he pits Shawn and Nick against each other for his own entertainment, I cannot WAIT until Tanner gets eliminated without anyone really knowing who he is.

2 on 1 Date- JJ & Joe

I’m not going to lie to you all, I shamelessly anticipated this date with glee once I saw that she was taking the boys on a boat ride to a remote island, knowing that eventually one would be left there. Visions of the Badlands and Dum Dum Soules flying off in a helicopter, leaving Kardashley and Kelsey to throw sand at each other clouded my head. These thoughts were soon interrupted by the most snoooooozeworthy two on one date EVER. Joe the Slow tells Kaitlyn he’s falling in love with her and she’s one in a million and seals it with several passionate smooches. Kaitlyn is blown away, either by Joe’s feels or the gusty winds on the cliff they’re hanging out on, not sure which one.

“Today’s the biggest day of my recent life.”-JJ

JJ uses his time with Kaitlyn to bare his soul and confesses that he cheated on his wife three years ago BUT he’s learned his lesson because he lost everything and lives in his parents basement now. Let’s lay this out in clearer terms…JJ the douchenozzle former investment banker cheated on his wife when she had a newborn but he’s sars! Kaitlyn’s first response is that cheating is her worst fear in a relationship and we already know that JJ the slime ball will be thinking about what he did on those cliffs in just a few short moments. Kaitlyn sends JJ home to “be with his daughter” which is code for “I’d prefer not to marry someone who will be getting his rocks off elsewhere while my vagina is still healing from pushing out our child.” Kaitlyn tells Joe she needs more time to fall in love with him, aka JJ just bought Joe another week, tops. They continue the date while JJ continues to mourn the loss of Cliff and now Kaitlyn too.

Joe comes back and tells everyone his date was great and they “spent some time on the couch together.” Ok Nick 2.0, calm down. Joe confesses to his bros-in-waiting that he’s falling in love with her and everyone giggles and fans themselves and Shawn storms out like a drama King who can’t stop blabbering about how Kaitlyn told him off camera that he’s the one. Shawn rolls up to Kaitlyn’s hotel room AGAIN and she has a meltdown that he’s found out about her extracurriculars with Nick and while she’s hyperventilating Shawn is like “Sup?” To be clear, Shawn still has no idea that she allowed Nick to ‘trate her, he’s still whining about the fact that she told him that he was the one. Pretty boy still doesn’t understand how the show works and Kaitlyn has to reiterate that she will have multiple boyfs until the very last episode. I’m scared for Shawn finding out about Nick. Real scared (read: excited.) Kaitlyn says last week (off-camera) was a mistake because clearly now Shawn is clingy AF and she regrets reassuring him much more than she regrets her mic’ed up romp with Nick in Dublin.

Cocktail Party:

Kaitlyn starts off by making a speech about mistakes and obviously all of the insecure baby bitches immediately assume they are the mistake. Nick is like I don’t know if you guys noticed but I have a rose and I’m STILL really nervous. I think I speak for all of the contesticles when I say,STFU, Nick. Ben H. sits with Kaitlyn by the fire and tells her he’s super jelly belly about whatever it was that Kaitlyn said to Shawn when she snuck down to see the two of them and he regretfully had to take a shower. Seriously, Ben H.? You couldn’t have waited until she left to shower? I’m guessing Kaitlyn will never again ham it up without cameras…she cries her way out of this one, naturally. Side note: now that I watch UnREAL and basically know everything there is to know about filming this show, I know for a fact that there would always be someone on call with a camera so exactly how did this “several hours” of off camera bizz go down? Especially considering that she had sex with a mic pack on? HMMMM….seems suspicious.

Anyway, back to the cocktail party, Nick’s like hey remember how I was inside of you? We’re still Gucci, right? And Kaitlyn is like yeah as long as you don’t blab to everyone (like when you ratted Andi out), snitches get stitches. Nick tells Kaitlyn not to worry because he didn’t tell anyone it was intimate or special when that is literally EXACTLY what he told the bros-in-waiting the next morning. Then Nick cries but I don’t really know why. I guess he’s scared she’s going to chuck him when she finds out Shawn is better in bed? I don’t know. Go to speech therapy, Nick. Please. Especially if you’re going to make TV dating your career.

Shawn stares at the fire with a strong drink in his hand, swirling the dark liquor around as he recalls watching fireworks from a canoe with Kaitlyn wrapped warmly in his embrace. (See, Chris Harrison, I too, could write a romance novel.) He’s taking the broody girlfriend bit a little too far, if you ask me. Show us those washboard abs! Soap opera music soundtracks his chat with Kaitlyn where they both say they made mistakes and use a lot of clichés like bump in the road and taking a step back. I never thought I would say this but their time togets is beginning to get exhausting. There needs to be some lovin soon or I’m going to be forced to bring my Team Shawn flag to half mast in mourning.

Rose Ceremony:

Nick, Jared, Joe, Ben H., Cupcake, Shawn

BenZ (thank God we only have one Ben now) and Tanner are dunzo, Tanner will probably start a blog about the show and BenZ tries to convince us he can’t find a girlfriend. Also he mentions his dead mom again.

Road Trip with Jared

Kaitlyn sucks at driving, they took a bunch of selfies, kiss the blarney stone and I still want to punch Jared square in the dome.

C.Harrison interrupts our countdown to Cupcake’s tears by sitting down for some good ole fashioned real talk with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn confesses that she regrets every single thing that she’s done on and off camera, basically and Chris replies with “That’s good.” Interesting form of psychoanalysis there. He then suggests switching things up so that the guys who haven’t gotten bone time will have the opportunity to level the playing field (if you know what I mean) before hometown visits. Chris, you perv, you, telling Kaitlyn to get after it! I support this wholeheartedly.

Cupcake One on One @ Cliffs of Moher

Kaitlyn dons a sassy pony and takes Cupcake on a helicopter ride around Ireland and to the Cliffs of Moher. They talk about their futures and Kaitlyn keeps referring to this process as finding her “forever”, which I think is cute that she’s still thinking her final rose relationship will last more than a year, tops. Shit gets real, real quick when Cupcake goes all therapy on Kaitlyn, puts his face entirely too close to hers and asks how she’s doing. Kaitlyn cries and says, “This is the hardest thing for me in this moment.” A new rating scale for how hard things are, moment by moment. My mind is blown by just how hard things can be. In the end, Kaitlyn tells Chris she doesn’t see herself marrying someone who drove up in a candy corn cupcake and she leaves him to sob and contemplate suicide on the cliffs.

After seeing these tears teased for two hours I was prepared for disappointment when they actually happened. But I was NOT disappointed. The dramatic waterfall of tears and hiccupping sobs coming out of Cupcake’s body were SO WORTH IT. He hides his ugly cry face in a scarf and tells himself to pull it together. IT WAS GOLD. Such sadness coming from such white teeth…sorry Cupcake, at least you’ve kick started your career on Broadway!

On a final note, try as they might, the editors of The Bachelorette did their best work to show reaction after reaction that we are to assume is about Nick and Kaitlyn’s tryst but I would like to reiterate that for yet another week literally no one knows anything about the porking that occurred in Dublin and I can only imagine the floodgates that will open after they do the big reveal…if EVER. Seriously, Kaitlyn, just tell them…for all of us.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Don’t Have Sex, Because You Will Get Pregnant, and DIE.

“I want a rose so bad that I would pull my own tooth for one.”

You’ll have to excuse me if I seem extra snarky this week but I sat for two hours last night on a bed I was basically sticking to due to my 1000 degree apartment, just to watch an episode that began and ended with a cliffhanger and the in between was some behind-the-door moans. Anyway, in the continuous episode that is this season, we pick up mid-rant with Kaitlyn and our buddy Ian who is number 5 (?) in the crew of “I’m here to become famous” contest-icles. Kaitlyn takes in all that Ian has to say with silence and a few “oh, you serious” sass faces as he basically tells her he was looking for a vulnerable girl to prey on. Ian defends himself though by saying, “you asked us to be honest, sooo you basically gave me permission to verbally assault you.” Deuces, Ian. All aboard the douche-caravan. His parting words were, “I’m being punished for being intellectual,” and I can only assume that Kelsey from last season caught wind of this and immediately asked Ian to be a part of her amazing story full of large vocabulary words.

Before Kaitlyn can shed any tears, it’s Nick to the rescue! He wraps her up in a big slobber hug and the rest is incoherent because I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I physically can’t understand a word he sssssaysssss. Then he takes a quick chomp on her finger…which isn’t flirting, Nick, it’s what I do with my sister’s dog when I want to pretend he’s attacking me. And lastly, Nick tells Kaitlyn, “you do not disappoint” as he pushes his boner against her hip. Shawn-us interruptus catches this all and runs away crying.

The Alamo- Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison tries to make the rose ceremony about him by not so slyly announcing this was his home state. Unfortunately, the rose ceremony is not about Chris OR bad hair because the two worst hairstyles are swiftly eliminated, as they should have been. All the awards in the world to the producers who probably told Joshua they didn’t have time to fix his terrible haircut for the rose ceremony, knowing his fate and making sure he looked his absolute worst for it. Golf clap. Hey Joshua, you look like a DOOOFUS!

DOOFUS, DOOFUS, DOOFUS!

Roses: Ben H., Nick, Shawn, Jared, Cupcake, JJ, Joe, BenZ, Tanner

Dublin, Ireland, One on One Date with Lispy

Next logical stop after The Alamo? Ireland, duh. Nick is picked for the one on one date and has 10 minutes to change from his grey boner pants to an even tighter pair of green boner pants. I start to get genuinely concerned that I won’t be able to recap this date because I can’t understand Nick, but my worries quickly fade when I see that there is essentially no talking, just rubbins. Kaitlyn flails around some pigeons, then Nick flails in a Irish step dancing performance and nearly rips his jeggings. The remaining activities consist of Nick trying to swallow Kaitlyn’s head in various public places in Dublin. According to Nick, their physical relationship is “rock ssssholid.”

Later, they grope in a church, truly rounding out the Irish date of soft-core porn. Nick whispers sweet nothings in Kaitlyn’s ear mostly along the lines of “I’m dying…you’re giving me blue balls, can we bone now…” you know, real romantic stuff. Kaitlyn is like ok here’s a rose because I think we’re still doing that TV show thing and now let’s get to the ‘tration.

Shawn and Jared gossip about Nick and are like fingers crossed she’s having a shitty time right now–meanwhile, Nick is slipping his digits up Kaitlyn’s skirt on her hotel couch. Then this show tapped right into my nightmares of the days when I had to listen to my roommate getting friendly with boys in our shared dorm room in college and the sloppy kissing sounds and awk foreplay when they forced us to watch a closed door and listen to Nick giving Kaitlyn multiples while he pet her hair and lapped at her mouth (probably.) Apparently when you go to poundtown on TV, you also keep your mic packs on. Showing them closing the door would have sufficed, THANKS. On the bright side, now I can add Kaitlyn’s moans to the list of things I never ever want to hear again for the rest of my life.

The following day, Nick takes the walk of shame with a shit-eating grin, sits down for story time with the boys and said they just talked. I overcompensated for how smart these jabronis are when I assumed they would immediately guess that he boinked her but apparently these morons have never heard of a girl and a guy TAALLLKKING. Nick basically did everything short of showing them the footage when he grinned and said it was intimate but no one caught on.

RIP Kaitlyn-Tanner, BenZ, Shawn, Jared, Ben H, Cupcake

Hear ye, hear ye, Kaitlyn is dead. She died from Nick giving her a rare strand of Chlamydia and the leftovers are attending her wake for a group date. If there were ever a point when I would give up on a TV show it would have been this exact point, but since I only watch it to make fun of it I hung in there. Chris Harrison admitting, however, that this was “a little” ridiculous almost caused me to launch at the TV. Oh really, Chris? Just a LITTLE? The boys gather around Kaitlyn lying in a coffin and give their eulogies. I wish that was a sentence that I made up, but alas it isn’t. Unfortunately for BenZ who actually lost his mom, death isn’t really a topic that’s all about LoL’s on TV for him. Gawd, Kaitlyn, read the room before you fake die. He gets super emosh about it and makes everyone clear the room.

Later, the boys take time to chat with Kaitlyn because whoever gets rosed spends the rest of the night with her and everyone else has to bizounce. Shawn shows her pictures of his family (d’awww), Jared calls Kaitlyn a beautiful corpse like the stupid creep that he is (and also brings up her old man laugh for the 10000th time) and yet his patchy ass beard on that punchworthy face of his still gets the rose. Shawn is sad panda about it. He shouldn’t be, because the reward for getting a rose is going to a cathedral for a personal concert by The Cranberries. Yes, you heard me correctly, the obscure Irish 90’s band whose most famous song is most definitely about a fart is who they chose as a prized performance. But for serious though, last season’s star power was Big & Rich and now The Cranberries? You would think a #1 rated show could lock down a musical guest from this decade, no? Obviously The Crans perform “Linger” because romance.

While Kaitlyn and Jared slow dance to an ode to flatulence, Shawn pulls a producer aside to strong-arm him for dirty deets on whose been in Kaitlyn’s bed. It turns out that the reason he needs to know so badly is because he also spent some bedroom time with Kaitlyn, except he was classy enough to do it OFF camera and he’d probably like to know if he should get tested. The producer told him it wouldn’t hurt to get a quick blood test and Shawn makes a surprise visit to confront Kaitlyn. Unfortunately, she leads him to sit down on the same couch that her and Nick exchanged fluids on mere hours before and Shawn left his black light kit at home. What will happen?! Will Shawn leave? Will Kaitlyn cry? Will Shawn get so angry at her that he rips his shirt off, picks her up and carries her to her room? Hey, a girl can dream. Anyway, we will not know any of these things ever…or until next week, whatever.

PS In case anyone cares (I certainly don’t), our weekly catch-up with the Hipster twins Britt & Brady contained a winter knit hat in the sunshine state and Britt’s mom declaring that Brady seems like a good buddy. In other words, Brady just got friend-zoned by Britt’s mom. Yikes.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “I Can’t Keep Away From You”

We’ve returned to the very moment we left off at, and my predictions a few weeks ago of stuck in a rut and wait for it story lines are starting to come true…and some of them sooner than expected. I called out Rayna and Deacon and said they better get a penetration session in before Deacon dies and Nashville was obviously like WE HEARD! But more on that later, gotta keep you guys reading somehow. Let’s spark things off with the TRIPLE EXES.

The Triple Exes have hit the road to open for Rascal Flatts and coincidentally their first stop is the same exact city where Scarlett cowered under a piano and shrieked, thus beginning the DRAMATIC “I’m leaving Nashville” story line that inevitably led to her friendship with a homeless person and aggressive downfall of her character’s use on this show. WELL NOT ANYMORE BITCHES. Scarlett is back and she’s here to remind everyone that she can sing without having hallucinations onstage. She’s a little worried on their travels there and scared to perform again but then Gunnar makes it all better by telling her to take a selfie for Twitter. Thanks Gunz, you always know what to do. JUST KITTEN, Gunnar made it worse because then Scarlett discovered that twitter is for trolls who live in their mom’s basement and still use a Gateway desktop computer to tell everyone in the world how ugly they truly are. Scarlett learns this real quick and gets the sadsies for a second, then channels it into a kickass song, duh. Before hitting the stage, Scarlett and Gunnar have a moment and Avery comes over and senses some sexual tension as they stare at each other with their tongues out. Avery’s really astute. They get onstage and perform another banger (Triple Exes win every song this season) while Scarlett tells off those twitter trolls with a mean tambourine hip check. SURPRISE! Dr. Hottie flies to Chicago just to get to third base with Scarlett. Gunnar is pezzzzed and decides to make some moves to get back with her, except when he goes to her hotel room to declare his love, she’s already scampered on over to Dr. Hottie’s suite for a quick check-up.

In other couple news, Layla and Jeff Fordham are doing swimmingly as two lovebirds that also work together HAHA just kidding, they’re a disaster. Jeff forces Layla to interview with a blogger that he’s clearly sacked and when they start flirting at lunch in front of her, Layla causes a scene and says she’s over being just another slam piece to him and Jeffy’s like sorry grl, that’s my steeze. After he realizes Layla’s his meal ticket back to a career, Jeff comes back to apologize and try this thing fo realz. Good thing Layla actually comes to her senses and realizes she only ends up with guys who are incapable of loving her Alanis Morissette ass and tells Jeff they’re done for good except for this whole manager thing, so breaking up but still working together is obviously a great solution and will never ever cause a conflict.

Speaking of conflicts when it comes to the heart, Sadie Stone now wants Luke’s D. She comforts him for being dumped HARD by Rayna and he tells her she’s brave for talking about getting her ass kicked by Pete and suddenly there’s musical sparks and they’re having a dinner together with some hand touching. When he asks if he can walk her to her car she declines but probably instantly regrets it when Petey is waiting for her ready to pounce in a dark parking garage. Good thing Sadie’s packing heat from that very sketchy Jane Doe gun purchase that was probably illegal because he tackles her and she pulls the trigger, probably killing Pete because what’s Nashville without someone dying every few weeks? (Deacon…you’re next…) Luke finds this opportune time to pull up to the scene of the crime and be all WTF. Do you think he’ll comfort her in the wake of this trauma? You bet your bottom dollar, Sadie, congratulations girl because you just earned a spot on this show by killing someone and probably sleeping with your only BFF’s ex-fiancé. And if that isn’t a perfect setup for a country song, I don’t know what is.

Lastly we’ve got the full transformation from Bach Teddy to Guilty Teddy to Slimeball Teddy. It seems as though Teddy is becoming Lamar (Membs him? Rayna’s crotchety dad who was basically the sole member of the Nashville mob.) Teddy hires Lamar’s old creepy henchman to dig around little Ms. Call Girl’s house to confirm that she is in fact being watched. Turns out the feds have been on her tail for weeks forming a case for the prostitution ring and girl hasn’t ever once looked out her front window, seen a rape van and been maybe a LITTLE curious? Nah. She tells Teddy if she gets pinched she’ll sing like a bird and take him down too…unless of course he wants to give her a little hush money to hightail it outta here for a beat. Ah, the old gangster movie cliché. Do it, Teddy. I dare you. Obviously he’s going to do it because he’s a moron, but he’s also poor and gets Fordham in on it by blackmailing him for his money. I can’t wait for all this back door wheelin and dealin to end up on the front page of the Nashville Star, Teddy, you dirty dirty dog.

Ah here we are, the moment we’ve been waiting THREE WHOLE SEASONS FOR. Seriously, that’s how long we’ve shipped a Deacon-Rayna porking. Good God, for a show that kills off a new character every season, they sure as hell move slow. But we already knew that didn’t we? I’m looking at you, Will “I’m still hiding the gay” Lexington. But I digress, we pick up with Rayna and Deacon at the house in the woods sobbing over the cancer and stuff. Rayna promises she’ll be here for him and said she’ll wait with him and they’ll face it together. Deacon’s like nah girl, I’m going solo…to heaven. WAIT IS DEACON DYING?! NO WAAAYYYY! He reminds us again when he throws a child like temper tantrum, stomps his feet and shouts that it’s his decision and he doesn’t want pity or help from Miss Rayna James. He just doesn’t want to put her through that when he’s already put her through a windshield in season 2, heyyooo. Also while we’re discussing rough times for these two, might I so boldly point out that this little cabin or whatever does NOT agree with their hair. Deacon has a super weird middle part sitch and this is one of the very few times I’ve seen Rayna’s mane of glory looking quite drab. Can we get hair and makeup out here right quick? Not the time? Oh, ok. Rayna properly responds to Deacon’s wah-wahing by smashing the shit out of his guitar to show that like cancer is probably more important than music. He Eeyore’s a little more about if he lives they can hang but he probably won’t and finally Rayna says knock it off, YOLO, it’s time for us to be together now that we have a deadline. Then they make out a little and later we’re treated to Rayna’s O face. Thanks for that, ABC. Surprisingly, Maddie didn’t appear in the window with a set of binocs. They go home immediately and tell her and she obviously goes apeshit and they have a nice family hug anddd guess what YOUR DAD IS ALSO DYING. Kind of a harsh day for Mads, huh? Extreme highs and lows like nobody’s biz. Great parenting all around. Don’t worry though everyone will get their happily ever after until Deacon bites it (he won’t.) What we should be MORE concerned about is that Nashville is giving the viewers the power to name Juliette and Avery’s baby. IN WHAT WORLD IS THIS A GOOD IDEA?! BTW their story line this week was all one big ad for Face Time. Hmm, now that I’m thinking of it THAT’S PROBABLY WHAT AMERICA WILL NAME THEIR BABY. Lil baby Face Time. Born to be a star.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “That’s the Way Love Goes”

Another week, another episode where Rayna runs shit and everyone else is circling the drain. I’m going to try something new this time around mostly because it pains me to have to type out sentences like, “this week Scarlett brought hot doc a latte.” We’re going to break it down by stuck in a rut story lines vs. story lines that will eventually go somewhere but not for another 3 weeks/the last five minutes of the season finale.

Stuck in the Snoozies:

-Luke pairs Will up with a notoriously gay writer to work on some new songs and Will peers out of the closet just long enough to say, “The last thing I need is someone to see me around town with some swishy gay dude.” SRSLY? When they finally write together, Will acts like a REAL secretly gay douchenozzle. Eventually they bang out a song together and here we are again in a cycle of Will tormenting himself which will eventually lead to a secret hookup and more tormenting. I’m not one to normally start a “JUMP” chant when someone’s on a ledge but seriously dude…JUMP.

Rut Factor: Infinity

-Juliette doesn’t even appear in this episode leading me to believe she’s outskis until she pops that superstar out of her hoo-ha. Unfortunately they still feel the need to pretend she’s actually around by telling everyone she has insomnia and keeping Avery awake. This leads to a very cringe worthy scene where Gunnar shows up unannounced and Avery almost slices his throat because HE WAS NOISY and could’ve woken up the sleeping bear in hibernation that is his wife and might attack.

Rut Factor: Full until the pregnancy is over

-Sadie is doing press for the new album and GMA wants to ask her about her deadbeat ex hubs and his lawsuit. After crying about it a whole lot and calling Rayna to cry about it some more, she finally reveals to Robin Roberts that he was abusive and she’s not going to stay quiet about it anymore. Yawn yawn yawn. This story line was interesting for one single week. If she doesn’t get something else going for her soon I would like to see her get a one way bus ticket to the island of dead end characters so she can grab a marg with Zoey, Tandy, and Kiley and talk about how predictable and boring their lives are.

Rut Factor: 100. No more Sadie Stone please.

-Scarlett goes on a date with Hot Doc, he takes her to a fancy restaurant and orders a classy bottle of wine. Scarlett is the hick to Doc’s city boy. He’s from the Upper East Side and she’s from Miss-ippi. No really, that’s actually how she pronounced it…since when did she become Brandi-Lynn from Podunk, Population: No Teeth? Then she recites everything she’s been readin’ from the journal of meddy-sin and hot doc is like this date blows let’s shake hands and part ways. Scarlett later apologizes with coffee (enough with the coffee shtick) and serenades him at her gig and they seal it with a smooch.

Rut Factor: 10. This relationship is just buying time for Scarlett and will end in roughly 2 weeks. Gurl needs her music back stat…(see “wait for it” for future action on that.)

-Deacon is still DYING, guys. Dying. Dead soon. It’s interesting how he only had like 2 weeks to live and I feel like we’ve been watching him die for months.

Rut Factor: Maximum. He’s not going to die. Enough with these shenanigans and his general Eeyore act.

Wait for It…:

-The band formerly known as Zoey’s meal ticket fully reunites and they even get a gig opening for Rascal Flatts. The BIG drama is that they still don’t have a name. After Gunnar takes it WAY too seriously (because this is his only shot at actually singing in front of people) they shout a lot of stupid words trying to find the right one and then hot doc calls them the Exes and boom they’re now the Triple X’s because they’ve all swapped fluids at one point or another. Speaking of swapping fluids, Gunnar is clearly still in love with Scarlett because when she kisses Dr Hottie (I’m seriously not bothering to learn his name) he stares at her like a reaaaal creep. Obviously this puts them in the “wait for it” category because they’ll draw this out for several weeks until eventually they recycle the Scunnar (ew..we’ll work on that) love story.

Time stamp: Finale= Scunnar Reunion

-Layla and Fordham are still doing the dirty, this time on her kitchen counter because nothing gets them fired up like a fight over music labels. Fordham tells her she’s fat and shit because he’s not her boyfriend, he’s her manager so it’s totes kosh. They work together deviously to sneaky release a single for Layla on iTunes which ends up working out for her professionally but these two togets is a ticking time bomb, which lands them in this category. Layla is trying to be coy and cute and say she doesn’t want to be seen in public with Jeff because everyone hates him.

Time Stamp: A moment’s notice before these two explosively unravel.

-Creepy Teddy avoids his prosty all week until she shows up at Rayna’s 10 year Opry concert and tells him there’s a van outside her house and they’re both SCREWED so HA. Teach him to start answering her calls! This has gone on far too long, I better see a salacious headline soon.

Time Stamp: 2 episodes

-The incest couple of Colt and Maddie LIVES ON. Colt wants to see Maddie perform at the Opry and is all Wheels Up dad, you’re coming too! Luke wants to slit his wrists watching Rayna and Deacon but he does it just so his son can get a little tail. Respect. While Rayna and Deacon duet onstage, Colt and Maddie gaze into each other’s eyes stage left because their love is also like the moon, except more incesty. Colt decides he’d like to move home to be close to his dad AKA be close to his almost-sister for some romancing.

Time Stamp: These two are HEATING up, more action to come!

-The Rayna and Deacon love story is at a rut always… but by the end of this episode is progressing into movement, to the funeral parlor. After Maddie tries to play matchmaker like a little weirdo, Rayna finally calls Deacon and is like HEY, it’s ME! And Deacon’s like oh uh I know your name comes up on my phone so uhhhhh mystery solved. HAHAHAHAHA Be. More. Awkward. Anyway Deacon is invited to hit the stage with his fam squad for Rayna’s big show at the Opry. He shows up, plays guitar with the girls and THEN Rayna grabs Deacon’s hand and asks him to sing with her and Maddie witnesses and clearly needs to change her undies. They sing a terrible duet that I wish I didn’t have to sit painfully through but the people in the audience are clearly digging it as they passionately sway their heads and cry like it was “Glory” at the Oscars or something. Deacon promptly bows and Irish goodbye’s that shit right quick. He’s gotta go to heaven now. Just kidding he went to his secret cabin and Rayna shows up, tells him not to leave her anymore and he FINALLY says he’s a dead man walking and she slaps him silly then hugs him. Gawd I hate that cliché slap-hug. If I ever slap anyone then expect him to embrace me with open arms please cut my hands off because I should not have that privilege any longer.

Time Stamp: These two better get one bang in before Deacon kicks rocks. Just kidding this will obviously drag out until the finale.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Time to Get Down to Biz…On Sacred Ground

This week starts out in the mystical land of Bali. Prince Farming may be out of his element because there are actual people in this city but he doesn’t let it shake him as he shouts in a market like a foreigner and plays instruments with starving children. He’s so cultured now. I’m really proud. He stares out at the water with his new monkey friends and ponders what it will be like to finally bang one out after weeks of tonguing every woman he speaks to.

Kaitlyn’s Date

Kaitlyn and Chris go to a local temple, no kissing allowed, and Kaitlyn must cover up her buhhole hanging out of her tight pink cutoffs plus her open back top. Show some respect, gurl. They balance baskets on their heads and Chris wears a turban that makes him look like more of an idiot than usual. Chris introduces Kaitlyn as his girlfriend to the villagers, so apparently we’re now watching sister wives. “Everyone is so nice here,” Chris and Kaitlyn agree… and it has absolutely nothing to do with the camera crew following them around. They kick it with their monkey friends who they feed bananas to. The monkeys inspire Kaitlyn to go after what she wants: Chris’s banana.

Later at dinner, Kaitlyn is shaking and she doesn’t know why…I’m guessing it’s because she’s visibly shaken by how sweaty Chris is. Chris sweats in regular moderate temps and as you can imagine, putting him in a tropical atmosphere has pushed his hyperhidrosis through the roof. Bro has pit stains down to his waist. Kaitlyn is having a hard time letting her guard down, Chris tries to relate but ummm I’m pretty sure you’re not also vulnerable Chris, this is your show and you have the upper hand. Quit bitching and choose your biddy. Chris invites Kaitlyn to the fantasy suite, and follows it up with, “I think we deserve this…” AKA “I think I deserve to get a little ‘tration after several weeks of foreplay.” Kait is falling in love with him and is also ready to sex it up in an all expenses paid resort.

Whitney’s Date

Whitney runs into Chris’s arms and wraps her legs around him, because apparently every female contestant is obsessed with the leg wrap greeting. They have a yacht picnic in the Indian Ocean like they’re Jay & Bey or something. The 12-year-old yacht conductor (?) drives the massive boat into the dock, so things start off with a real bang. Whit throws mad shade at sis Kimberly just because she wouldn’t give her approval last week and isn’t living in La La Reality TV Land. Whitney, please don’t apologize for a sister who has rational thought. Chris responds with like don’t worry about it, it’s awkward and stuff. Whitney is reassured. They jump in the water to be spontaneous, but I’m just concerned that Whitney’s going to come out about 4 shades lighter after that spray tan mixes with the Indian Ocean. The creepy child driver is rooting them on as they make out like a solid peeping Tom.

Whit sashays into dinner in a dazzling lime green vacation maxi dress. Whitney reminds Chris that she never got to see Arlington and Chris is like lemme paint a picture for you: there’s 4 people who live there and there’s nothing to do there at all so you have to go other places. I spend most of my time on the couch as a shut in, so would you like to live there with me? Whitney’s like hey I would never choose to live there but I want to be a wife and mom lalala. I’m going to leave my entire career behind for you, mostly because I’m guessing they don’t need any fertility clinics in Arlington, maybe they should focus on grocery stores first. And with that, Whitney has created the new feminist motto: I’ll give up everything just to marry you. Career schmareer. She’s rewarded for her good woman decisions with the fantasy suite.

Becca’s Date

Welcome to Bali, Becca—check out this small child carrying 100 lbs of vegetables on his head while you stare at him in your leather romper and stress about your virgin confession! Chris gets to see how people without tractors (or simple technology) farm, and it’s really exciting for him to watch the hard labor. They kick it with some of the toddlers who are probably on their lunch break from work and take pictures, rubbing their iPhones in these poor children’s faces. Then they see a love guru/medium/someone wearing a turban. He tells Chris that Becca is hard to control. But then also tells them to make love in order for their date to go well. Chris clearly slipped him a 20 beforehand. This will pay for his rent for three years. Becca is starting to feel temptations though because vacation sex, and they’re making out in a babbling brook.

Chris says that he can envision a life with every single one of these girls. This is when my wine buzz kicks in and I shout at my TV: YOU CAN ONLY PICK ONE, CHRIS. FIGURE IT OUT! Becca word vomits a lot of stupid stuff about trying to find someone to love, and also points out how small Arlington is, like Chris DOESN’T KNOW, gawd Becca you’re SO STUPID. Becca’s real unsure of if she’s ready to commit to such a shitty town when she’s never been in love before and doesn’t know how love feels or anything. Chris replies, oh PS I think I’m falling in love with you too just like everyone else–because he can’t bear to say something to one girl and not the rest. No one left behind. Except for Kardashley, whose body can be found in the Badlands. He also gives her a fantasy suite so that he can sharesies whatever he has leftover from the last two bang sesh’s he just had. (Side note: am I the only one who things it’s a little suspicious that all these girls are AOK with him taking each one of them for a test drive in the same weekend?)

Once they’re fantasy suite-ing it up she’s like ok, TRUTH BOMB TIME. You ain’t getting any tonight! When Becca admits she’s a virg, Chris is smirking so uncomfortably and has quite literally no idea how to respond to it. “I’m glad that…uhh…I respect…um I’m surprised…and um, uh….that’s the truth.” Becca is FLOORED at how perfect his response is. WHAT WORLD AM I LIVING IN? That response was turrible.

The next morning…Chris says the night went swimmingly (as swimmingly as a night without fantasy suite porking can go) and while Becca walks along the beach, he ponders if he should lock the virgin out. Girl has no idea as she walks through the waves that Chris is quietly sobbing into the infinity pool about possibly having to cut her loose.

Chris sits down with C.Harrison to tell him he’d like to choose polygamy and move to Utah with these three boo’s. C.Harrison is like cut the shit and pick one. This week’s drinking buzz word is clarity, and boy does Chris need some in this Bali tropical fog to help him send one packing.

Rose Ceremony

The gang all gathers at a holy ground where it is vital that C. Harrison tells Chris not to rape anyone’s mouths here because that’s extremely disrespectful. I also find this orange belt on Chris pretty disrespectful but who am I to judge. Things are immediately SO hard, so he pulls Becca aside to chat. Becca knows she’s on the chopping block and she’s like I’m definitely in love with you now so don’t send me home. Becca says she’ll do whatever it takes just to stay with him. I finally have to cover my eyes to shield them from all of the female groveling that is occurring for a man who giggled when she confessed she’s a virgin.

After Chris collected his thoughts and exhaled for an exorbitant amount of time to fill the remaining ten minutes, he gives Whitney the first rose. The second rose goes to Becca and Kaitlyn has the BEST “bitch, please” look on her face.

Kaitlyn and Chris say their goodbyes. She handles it like a champ considering he dealt with this like he did with every woman on this show, baby bitch style. He blubbers about how hard it was and how confused he is…and clarity… and she just lets him dribble out a whole lot of dumb. Girl scoops up her pride and dignity and peaces on out of Bali. Kaitlyn is the bomb.com and words cannot express how happy I am that he axed her so she can walk free and do cool shit and not end up with this DUD.

Best Quotes:

“This is a great start to the beginning of the rest of our life.” Does Kaitlyn know that everyone else also got bang suites?

“I’m thankful we didn’t get eaten by sharks today.”- Chris should probably be more thankful their child yacht driver got them safely back to shore rather than the slim chance that camera crews allowed them to swim in shark-infested waters.

“Unfortunately it’s not so cut and dry.”- C. Harrison. Whoa, this is what they pay you the big bucks for? C.Harrison is a modern day therapist coming in hot with the tough love advice. Just kidding, he’s paid to just sit there and agree that things are REALLY HARD.

RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- Sister Act

I missed the first fifteen minutes of last night’s episode and although I can never come to terms with missing a bitch fight at a tops and bottoms party, I can also assume that what I missed didn’t amount to much. We saw the meat of this fight last week and I’m guessing what continued this week was more hysterics, more booze and more of Kyle’s chicken wings soaring through the air as she over-animatedly points and jabs at Kim as Brandi grabs “her gay” and slinks away into the cool Hollywood air.

Brandi is fully on the defense this episode as she tries to rationalize to all her haters why she is such a twat. She doesn’t really present a good argument when she declares that she pushes the envelope because her mother always taught her that if everyone is talking about her she’s okay but it’s when everyone stops talking about her that it’s bad news bears. Brandi will never apologize to Kyle. She would also like the same publicist as Chelsea Handler because it bothers her that Chels can say whatever she wants and get away with it whereas Brandi gets drunk, tells someone their husband doesn’t want them and suddenly everyone’s on her case.

Yo invites Brandi over to do yoga with a beautiful muscly bald man. Yo is trying to trick Brandi into being a calmer human being who doesn’t threaten to knock someone’s teeth out at a party. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that the downward dog doesn’t cure her because as they chat afterwards, Yo tries telling Brandi that everyone’s talking about her being a raging alcoholic and Brandi gets preeettyyy sassy. Her rebuttal is to point out that “people” say Bella is an alcoholic, but she’s not soooo s’all good. Everyone in America knows to never take a jab at Yolanda’s children and she gets amped up about this personal attack from Brandi. I dig that Yolanda stands up for herself and tells Brandi to cut the shit because she’s the only one trying to defend her and help her out of this big lake of wine that Brandi has drowned herself in. Brandi swears she wasn’t attacking Yolanda and says, “Everything I do is for my children.” Hey B, just to clarify, when you sloshed a glass of wine in Eileen’s face was that for your children? You can get back to me on that one.

In attempts to make Eileen a more crucial part of the show, the girls get together to attend the Burbank Film Festival at a shopping mall amongst commoners to support Eileen’s new film. On the way over there’s ample time to talk shit about Brandi and Kim who were selectively not invited. Rinna keeps calling them both addicts and completely expects Brandi to come after her. She knows she’s dug herself a grave with all these aggress finger-pointing comments and she’s already picked out a Louie body bag. I love the fact that Rinna is self-aware in her shit-talking. She also figures out that Brandi loves attention good or bad and hmm that makes me think of Brandi’s motto to live by she just revealed about five minutes ago. COULD IT BE?! Did we figure out the secret to Brandi’s success? AND ALSO ALL OF HOLLYWOOD?

Once they get to the theater, Kyle pretends to be joking about how most people go to Cannes and they’re at the Burbank Film Festival. She’s saying it in a funny voice like she thinks it’s hilar but we know sweet, self-absorbed, Kyle and her eyes are saying that she can’t even with this D List festival and she’s about to text Paris Hilton and beg for a plus one to her next celebrity event. Kyle doesn’t slum it. The girls hit up the concession stand for soda, hot dogs and popcorn that we all know they’re just pretending to eat on camera to make them look like cool girls who don’t care about what they eat (Also the same reason Kyle has Fatburger at her INFAMOUS white party every year.) While they’re attacking wieners and making sexual jokes, Eileen is working the 1 camera, 6 inch red carpet being interviewed by a man who doesn’t evne know what soap she stars in. Poor, poor Eileen is made to look like a real trash monster at this festival and I’m guessing this is how we keep the housewives grounded. The ladies move into the theater and lay napkins down on the red polyester seats to create a safe nest to rest their designer gowns upon. The movie starts and it’s a space flick called Stranger on a Pentagon. The mere 1 minute that we see is God awful and I can only imagine what it would’ve been like to sit through it full-length. The girls are shocked to see something so terrible and at a SHOPPING MALL nonetheless, not even the privacy of their home theater. They tell Eileen that she did a good job in a tone that really says that movie was garbage and you should have paid me for coming here today.

After the movie premiere from hell, Lisa is licking Gigi when Max walks in smelling of booze. She gets real judgey with him about going out on the town and he calls Lisa out for partying when he was a small child. She doesn’t really deny it. He has his genealogy results in one of the most drawn out subplots of Housewives ever. Spoiler alert: he’s Scandinavian and Irish. They show some pictures of Lisa pre-plastic surgery holding a baby Max and it’s the most shocking thing to ever happen on this show. Human moments from Lisa Vanderpump with a younger face. They have a moment when Max tells Lisa that she’ll always be his mom and she says good, now fetch me a cup of tea.

Eileen tries to bring Kim and Kyle together because her sister just died, and she lost another one of her sisters 4 years ago. She wants to teach these two vapid former child actors that life is short while she acts as the therapeutic mediator in a public place. As we’ve learned, public places are always great for these sorts of things. It starts out tame with I love you’s from both sides. Suddenly, the background music heightens and so does the shouting. Kyle doesn’t appreciate being made to look like a shitty sister and also being told her husband hates her. Kim doesn’t appreciate how Kyle has neglected her addiction and continues her love affair with Brandi, the BFF. Eileen immediately regrets everything. And to be clear, for someone who had a poker party that ended in a brawl in her driveway, I’m a little perturbed as to why Eileen thought this would go smoothly. Kim wants Eileen to butt out, because she’s basically wearing horn-rimmed glasses and taking notes at this point. Just because you’ve played a therapist in outer space (probably), doesn’t mean you are one, GURL.

The episode closes on the meeting of two leopards, Brandi and Rinna. Even though they look like a couple of matching idiots auditioning for The Jersey Shore, it’s completely glossed over and Rinna says real talk: why are you such a bitch, Brandi? Brandi tells Rinna that she has a temper blah blah blah and that she’s Kim’s only BFF and it’s a lot of pressure for her to handle. Brandi legit can’t even with being Kim’s only friend. Since she’s also known for being a blabbermouth she basically spills the beans that Kim’s probz no longer sober but she can’t really prove it. Apparently if Brandi called Kim out she would die. So we’re definitely not being dramats about this. Rinna takes the reins and admits, “You all need an intervention.” And I go to bed tonight praying that Rinna stages a full-on Housewives intervention.

The Salty Ju

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Tag Archives: TV Recap

The Bachelorette- Eskimo Brothers

The Bachelorette- Bearded Bros Tell Nothing

The Bachelorette- SLEEPOVER PARTY!!!

The Bachelorette- A Fantasy Pork in Cork

The Bachelorette- The Cliffs of No Moher Cupcake

The Bachelorette- Don’t Have Sex, Because You Will Get Pregnant, and DIE.

Nashville- “I Can’t Keep Away From You”

Nashville- “That’s the Way Love Goes”

The Bachelor- Time to Get Down to Biz…On Sacred Ground

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- Sister Act