Oscars Red Carpet 2025

WE MADE IT! It’s Hollywood’s biggest night, the culmination of awards season. Doesn’t matter what that stupid rat named Pux Phil saw or didn’t see, at least we can always count on the Oscars to tell us Spring is near. Thank the Lord. There is hope. This winter can die away from me and I’m so happy to see the pastels kickin on this red carpet. I also partook in some pasteling this weekend when I got dressed to walk my dog to the local brewery to soak up the sun and hops.

You may be thinking baggy jeans and a baggy shirt?! Have you completed your transformation into Gen Z? And to that I say yes and no. Yes, I bought baggy floral jeans and wore them unironically, but no Gen Z didn’t invent this lewk. May I remind you as a child of the 90’s, we did it first. So I’m simply going back to my youth and nostalgia for baggies and platforms. The only thing that was missing was a crop top and honestly you’re welcome world, because my midsection is not in crop shape. I’m just out here willing spring to come one denim bloom at a time. And I’m about to be the kindest I’ve ever been for any red carpet so pls mimic that energy and don’t come for me by reminding me that I’m a 33 year old wearing jeans from the juniors section because I SHOPPED FOR JEANS FOR A MONTH AND THESE ARE THE ONLY ONES THAT FIT ME, OK?!

WORST

Bowen usually pops a well-coordinated look and this missed completely. The pink shirt threw me off, I don’t know if he was doing a mixture of pink and green to shout out both the leads of his film but I would’ve liked it more if he wore a pink shirt and a fully green jacket. Otherwise it just looks like he got dressed in the dark.

This dress looks incomplete. Like the person making it was like oh shiiit the Oscars were tonight?! Alright, fine, just take it, still works.

This is a stocking. She’s wearing tights as a dress. And she looks genuinely mad about it.

Meh. I genuinely was offended by so few celebs that we’re doing a red carpet where people end up on the worst dressed if I’m just unimpressed. I’ve seen her take risks and this is just boring.

This is some straight clown shit. Sure, I have a personal vendetta against polka dots and always have, but frilled sleeves and a red waist bow on top of polkas?! WHO TOLD YOU THIS LOOKED GOOD?! Fire them immeds.

Ooh baby this gave me the most horrifying flashbacks to formal events circa 2003. The tacky bedazzled strapless dress, the french tip acrylics, the pink eyeshadow, even the hair that looked like it was straightened with the Conair removable plates straightener/crimper combo deal that did nothing but add more frizz. Half expected to see a mouth full of metal with matching pink rubber bands when I first glimpsed this chick.

I put these two pink moments back to back and was able to give you a very detailed and harsh roasting of the previous girlie, because I am her and she is I. I am both of them. This is what I wore to a 2004 Bat Mitzvah and this outfit was purchased at JCPenney for the occasion.

So when I say snarky comments to others, I’m really speaking to my younger self. Note the straightened hair that is still WIDE, french tips & watermelon colored braces adorning a half empty mouth.

Oh, ok, Plumette After Dark.

I do want to say that I really appreciate her committing to the skinny arm. Does that mean it’s making a comeback? (Says the girl who never stopped skinny arming in photos despite how uncool it is.) That being said, this dress is horribly unflattering. Her cleavage looks 13 miles long. It literally looks like the top of the dress is dragging her boobs down to her ankles.

Spray painting the Trunchbull’s weightlifting champ belt gold DOESN’T MAKE IT FORMAL!

Ah, a trend carried over from the SAG’s I see, is there a red belt in Karate?

At first glance I was like ok this is fine, then I got to her lady bits and saw that weird velvet spiderweb section and then the fingerless lace Madonna gloves and for those reasons… I’m out. Also I know I’ve said it before but it deserves repeating, what is the happs with this hairstyle?

This hair style is offensive to the icon that Goldie Hawn is. Also to keep it real, so is this tacky dress. She deserves more from her stylist. Isadora diamond would’ve smashed with this gown though.

Someone on Instagram (it was probably like elitedaily or something and I’m not crediting them so sorry bout it) called these his “slutty little glasses” and it made me laugh out loud. I really hate a brown fit but he’s honestly kinda pulling it off with swagga, even in these pretty hideous specs. So I’m like ew and then I’m also like but maybe not? Could be swayed, clearly. If he winked at me, I’d be like sup.

Love the purple flowers, hate the loud kaleidoscope graphic tee happening yonder.

Suuuuper snoozy. Kinda wish she went full 90’s and did the plum colored matching lip and butterfly clips in her hair too. Would’ve respected it way more.

This feels like something you would wear to a corporate cocktail party, not a red carpet for Hollywood’s biggest night.

Speaking of underdressed, what the hell are you doing Rita?! You’re a seasoned vet. An old pro of Hollywood royalty. Is this her way of saying she’s over it? Cause dressing for a backyard baby shower is a MOVE. Half expected her to be posing under a shades of pink balloon arch with a kitschy photo prop.

Gloves were hot in the streets last season and I feel like they died down this past winter, as they should’ve. Elbow length velvet gloves at a pretentious Hollywood awards night? Groundbreaking.

Keeping with the dark velvet, does this B go to Hogwarts? She’s wearing the invisibility cloak, without the invisibility. Disappear this getup, babe.

At first glance I loved this because I was dazzled by the sparkle. Then I took a closer look and it’s basically arts and crafts supplies painted silver, mixed with some Party City leftovers.

BUT IT HAS POCKETS! I know. It pains me to knock a cozy girlie who’s just jammin her hands into her pockets but the deep V cut over her deep V turned me all the way off.

Potentially sexist take (can you be sexist against your own gender?) but I’m having a hard time with the short hair here. I know, it was for a role, and obviously sometimes it’s not a choice for a woman to have short hair, but gelling it and giving it a deep side part WAS a choice. And I disagree with it. This mermaid scales gown fell flat for me too.

I gasped when I saw the middle part sock bun. Between that and the curtain dress accented by a ribbon belt, the early aughts were screaming at me to put this on the worst dressed.

To quote Brynn from RHONY, “Amy is a basic bitch.”

NOT THE COMICALLY LARGE GARBAGE BAG TIE OVER HER SHOULDER.

BEST

It makes me giggle to think some lowly interns were forced to throw her train up in the air on each side and run out of frame for the shot. Doing the lord’s work though because the fluffing sold me on this gown.

Imagine sitting on broken glass all night? That’s commitment, baby!

My favorite way to dress up a black gown is with diamonds, darling!

DayUmN. She look good. Most importantly, she matched her frosting to her dress.

He looks so sharp and the green pops just enough but isn’t obnoxious.

I’m such a simple creature. Anytime someone wears this material that literally shines on camera, I’m obsessed. She let the dress do the shining here (literally) and kept it simple with hair and jewels, which I appreciate. Tasteful cutouts are a nice touch too.

This velvet blue is d r e a m y.

VAVAVooOoM. Her hair looks great in this little flippy bob and this dress fits her like a glove.

You know what, HELL YEA. I’ll let it slide. Let Doja Cat bring a little leopard trash to the Oscars. Sure, this is really more fitting for the VMA’s but honestly I think we’re lucky she covered her nips and bits. This is what elegance looks like for the D Cat and I’ll support it because everyone deserves to have a Jersey Shore moment on a red carpet amongst elites.

As always, anyone who wore a boring black tux doesn’t have a place on my blog (unless I’m sexually attracted to them, of course.) Sterling looks like a real stud with the black and white combo.

Correct me if I’m wrong–I usually am–but this is the only blue I saw on the red carpet. And it’s a stunner.

I dumped SO hard all over Timbo’s neon green getup from the SAG’s (where he was the youngest actor to win) and I saw a side by side the next day of him recreating an actual look Bob Dylan wore. So egg on my face, he really was going all in during awards season continuing to honor Bob and I’m guessing this fit is no different. Well, the difference is, this is a lovely pastel and not a puke neon green. I approve of this lil peep.

We’re not supposed to comment on Demi’s bod/beauty/grace at her age because the entire point of her movie was about how obsessed women are with their looks and aging, or so I’m told via headlines and nothing else because there’s not a shot in hell I’m ever going to watch that movie it looked downright horrifying. But sue me because she’s 62 years old and her body is slaaaaaammmminnnnn. She’s dressed for her figure all awards season long and it’s been noted. GET IT, MAMA. Also remember when she was married to Ashton Kutcher? lolz.

Oop, SHINY! Love the different directions of shine to switch it up.

Never would’ve guessed Jerry O’Connell would be at the Oscars let alone earn my bedazzled jacket spot of the night. Good on him.

I don’t really care for the mixed media top, with a friigggggin bow, I’m merely putting this on the best dressed as a vision board reminder to myself that I would like pearl straps on my wedding dress should that day ever arrive. Future Julia who tricked someone into marrying her: say yes to the dress with pearls, booboo.

I die for this color but I’m literally resisting the urge to reach through my computer screen and pick her up by her shoulder straps and carry her around town like a chic grey handbag.

I surprised myself by liking this one. The anti-bow tie sitch is scratching an itch for me and I can’t explain why. Visually 10/10 for the guy who takes himself way too seriously.

We’ll guh ‘head and keep our Roy bros together because they were also nominated against each other in the same category. Kieran looks phenomz in the midnight blue and his wife Jazz followed the sparkly metallics trend and looks amazing as well. Also, the two of them are cute as hell and Kieran’s acceptance speech was real and the ONLY speech that made me laugh in a 4 hour program. (Hey Hollywood, when the world sucks, be the comic relief, don’t be the ones also pointing out how things suck. Thx.)

GET IT, JUNE!

I came after baby pink at the SAG’s because most people were wearing it SO wrong. You gotta break it up, you can’t have it wash you out and match your flesh tone/hair color. I LOVE this look. The sparkly lil bra top opening up into the big ole pink gown is elegant and fun. Party on top, gala on bottom.

Ruby red slippers, yaaassss honay!

JUSTICE FOR WICKED

I saved the Wicked girliepops for last because I want to give them their flowers. First and foremost, this movie for SURE cost a fortune to make, they’re still going to roll out a part 2, and it was THE moment this Fall. You couldn’t go anywhere without someone bringing it up, merch being shoved in your face, or hearing that high note of Defying Gravity. And yet all throughout awards season they’ve been snubbed like nobody’s biz for a movie about the Mexican cartel directed by a french man and starring a bunch of American actresses plus one problematic tweeter. Or, a movie about a New Yorker starring a girl born and raised in CA. Simply put, Wicked has been robbed and I’d like to hold space for that. Hand up, I was just as critical of them because they were not blowing me away on the red carpet when IMO, it would’ve been SUPER easy to make a splash considering how loud the colors and themes of Oz are. I’m glad to see that both of them heard me and gave us the grand finale we all deserve…until next season of course when they run it back. Cynthia’s rocking a MOMENT here with this villainesque velvet. Plus she got to show off her pipes, mostly because they couldn’t let anyone from Emilia Perez perform or they’d look like a bunch of hypocrites. Regardless, they got to kick off the show, so good for them! Still can’t fathom doing a #2 cleanup with those nails, but I’ll stop talking about it…for now.

And that brings us to Mizz GuHlinda herself. Look, I’m never going to like Ariana as a bleach blonde and I’m certainly not the only one who’s been saying it. But she’s staying true to the part and THANKFULLY, she must’ve heard my pleas these past few weeks and literally everyone else’s because I’m definitely not the only one who pointed it out either, but shout out to her spray tan! She’s alive! The pale skin and blonde combo was giving near death and I’m so happy to at least get a little glow this weekend. Most importantly, this is a Glinda the Good Witch dress. Nailed it. This is what I wanted ALL ALONG. She literally looks like she’s coming down in a bubble, bro. It’s perfect.

Red Carpet

Critics Choice Awards 2025 Red Carpet

I don’t know if it was because this awards show was rescheduled twice or because it’s on cable or because it doesn’t really matter, but everyone SURE dressed like dumpster soup! In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that the men all looked stunning and the women all looked like they got dressed in the dark. #Feminism. No but seriously, I gotta calls it like I sees it. Kanye’s slave, oop, I mean wife, who showed up fully nude to the Grammys looked better than this ragtag crew. So in light of the fact that I gasped at half of these looks, I will most certainly not be dividing it up into categories. You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. Here’s my Kacey Musgraves bohemian cowgirl inspired lewk that I wore to therapy after the Grammys this week. It didn’t receive rave reviews but my dog couldn’t take her eyes off me and that’s really all that matters. (Definitely didn’t have to do with the fact that she needed a walk and I was busy taking mirror selfies.)

Now onto the toxic sludge leftovers that draped celebrities for a Friday night awards ceremony hosted by Chelsea Handler on E!

Is homegirl just matching her gowns to her skintone to her hair this awards season? Cause she’s 2/2 and I’m baffled by this. Just like I KNOW I said 1000 times in last year’s Barbie era…if you are nominated for a character that is a very bold, and COLOR CODED character with a distinct wardrobe, why are you not shoving that down our throats in your red carpet fits? I expected GUHlinda the good witch to be slamming pink all up in our bubbles. Not showing up in what I imagine lives at the bottom of a pond in the winter.

Oh great! Did we all send out a memo that said “everyone must wear mud!” Cause holy shit what an unflattering skin tone we’ve chosen to coordinate in. The Granny’s lace isn’t helping matters either.

Miami Vice/Wolf of Wall Street/what my dad wore to church in the 90’s ain’t it. We can’t be out here wearing baggy menswear and calling it fashion. Or even if she’s making a political statement like if I dress like a leading man from 1984, will you pay me like one? Whatever the motive is, it’s not a good enough reason to wear this goofy ass suit.

Leighton got the mud memo but added a little sparkle to it. I’m deeply saddened by her bangs but at least the dress style/shape hits. Adam really doesn’t need to do much to look like a damn snack.

I don’t think I need to reshare my toga party pic from the Globes, but this is wrap yourself in a bedsheet rough. Rougher actually, because it’s like she just wrapped herself in 5 different bedsheets. Or dug around the bottom of her hamper and sewed whatever was there together and dropped it over her head. SO Sustainable Chic.

How Nancy Reagan of her. Considering the sea of bad looks she’s floating in, I don’t aggressively hate it. But obviously it does not match the energy you want to bring to the function that is a knock-off awards show.

Back to back politically conservative styles. You know I can easily be swayed by a razzle.

I LOVE this light grey and I love it even more paired with crisp white kicks.

What a total snooze cruise. As my personal heroes, MK&A said in critically acclaimed flick Passport to Paris.

PEPLUM.

Oh, ok you little Valentine’s sweet treat, you!

Again, given the circumstances, I’m willing to jive with this Grecian Goddess cosplay when normally I’d be like alright, that’s enough. Mostly because I’ve always wanted to be able to pull off the wraparound braid like that without looking like a total goon.

Kinda brought the men’s average down with this mixed media poop suit.

Another “trend” that I’m very vocal about hating… the structured dress. I’m sorry if you don’t have child-bearing hips as I do, but creating them via a gown just looks absolutely ridiculous.

This is tacky as heck. I mean congrats on the perky thangs, but the style of this dress, color, and weird bolero sitch happening at the shoulders is ick.

I won’t even hate on the Wednesday Addams dupe because she’s serving it so well. As the kidz these days say: she ate and left no crumbs.

Kinda bridal shower-y but I like the fun pumps and she looks snatched.

Very classy and elegant. Almost too? Save this for the Grammys or Oscars, BB!

I know TikTok has ruined my brain because all that played in my head when I saw this was the high-pitched “oh no, oh no, ohNoOhNOOHNO” sound from the Tok. We can’t let this app get banned because how will I reference trending sounds from 4 years ago?! Forrealz though what the hell am I looking at? I sewed my own gym bag in Home Ec one year, got blood all over it from sticking myself with the needle and it still turned out better than whatever this sewing project is.

Hot damn I love a maroon moment.

SMG does look glowing if I do say so myself but I do strongly dislike a giant flower tacked onto a dress.

See what I mean? The men BROUGHT IT. What a dreamboat in this grey/green tone.

Who needs a piñata for a funeral?! Look no further.

PUT THE GLASSES ON MPG!!! I melted a little when I saw Zack Morris looking this FOINE on my TV screen and actually wearing the glasses instead of holding them as a prop would’ve been a total panty soaker.

I’ll say this, putting that knob in between her yabbos worked because my eye was immediately drawn to it. It’s like an optical illboobsion. The rest of this dress looked like it got caught in the lawnmower. What a rack tho.

I like that I saw maybe one or two plain black tuxes and every other dude went for it. This mustard jacket is definitely a risk but Grobes is pulling.it.OFF.

Alright let’s get down with a pop of seafoam! Dress looks great, don’t know if we needed the True Faith by Ramona-esque necklace circa 2008 as the only accent but whatevs.

Classic charcoal exterior, spicin it up with the tie and shirt combo. Love this way more than his Grammys leisure suit.

Sure, just toss a net over an adorable brunch floral dress. Makes total sense and definitely isn’t infuriating at all. I love fashion.

Crochet had a MOMENT this summer and I like splashing it in an unexpected place.

Love the pink lip but I’m suuuuuuper bored with these plain ole black gowns. You may be thinking but Ju, you hate when someone is very trendy high fash too. And to that I say I feel seen. Don’t be boring, but don’t be weird.

Jeff Goldblum loves to rock a zany jacket and I love him for it.

I actually really like that this is a sheer bottom. It keeps it spicy considering that top is slouchy af. The gold waistband is also super flattering. This is the best girlypop of the night for me because I’m not overly enraged by any piece of this. So she’s got that goin for her, which is nice.

At first glance I was like YOIKES red and maroon don’t go together, and then it kinda grew on me. Plus, it’s Colin and he has such a sexy mean mug. Bad boyz wear shades of crimson.

This falls into the black blob category of the evening, apparently it was wear a flesh tone or wear black or get lawst. I do like the tuxedo effect here even though she for sure looks like she lives in Lakewood, NJ. (This is a very niche joke and I’ll be happy as a clam if even ONE person laughs at it.)

This is exactly what I would expect a woman in her 80’s to wear to a fancy function and she’s killin it! GET IT, JUNE!

Red Carpet

Grammys 2025 Red Carpet

Honestly kind of bold to have Music’s Biggest Night go on without rescheduling after the city blazed for like 3 weeks straight. They claimed to keep things as is so they could celebrate the resilience of the city, and of course hawk a QR code for donations every 5 mins. No offense but if I’m donating to LA after the fires, I’m not sending my money to a generic QR code from a major television network not having any idea where it’s going. And while I’m dumping on charity, the opening act of the night with Dawes and a bunch of other famous musicians singing “I Love LA” was bizarro world. In roasting this, I had to google the song, and I found out it’s an old song by Randy Newman. So I guess this diss goes out to Randy. That song corny as hell, man. Felt like a song from Barney if Barney really loved LA. You wanna support LA after the fires? Stream Heidi Montag’s new remix of I’ll Do It ft. Pitbull. (I’m totally kidding, I don’t know shit about how to help after the fires, I just know I’m not scanning a QR code or singing “look at those mountains. look at those trees.” )

I came in hot and for that I DO NOT apologize. Sorry is for suckers. So let’s keep the ball busting rolling with the fashion choices of the eve. But first, my tradish of showing you a runway ready outfit from me so you know I have the credentials to judge others fashion choices.

Glorified PJS or Aspen chic? Or both? Stunted this ‘fit on a 0 degree day where I forced myself to leave my house and go work in a coffee shop. Now onto the people who think 65 degrees is a cold day.

WORST

I thought we got rid of this family? Haven’t they created enough of a scene individually and collectively over the past decade? Now we gotta roll back up wearing a house hat? Get the hell out of my face. How much we gotta donate to ban all 4 members from all of Hollywood?

Everything I said above applies here as well.

NORAH JONES, EVERYBODY! The same woman that gave us the soulful piano stylings of the early aughts is back and lookin FUNKY. Don’t get me wrong, I hate every part of this outfit, but also I’m kinda like mad respect for quirkin it up this much. I wanna give her a fist bump but also I want to burn my eyes out of their sockets just from looking at this mixed media concoction accentuated with a giant red clown belt.

It’s a rare day when I like a Billie outfit and today just isn’t that day. It’s the flipped up Skipper hat (with casj dangly strings?) and the weird sunglasses that live just below her eyes that did me in this time.

Stop it. Stop it right now with the micro bangs. I REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING ACCENTED BY MICROS. In fact, my eyes land on those monstrosities first and then I just stop scanning down, because I’m too angry. Except don’t think I didn’t also catch Gaga’s bleached brows hangin out beneath the baby bangs. Horrifying. If you forgot, here’s my rant from the last red carpet via Ariana Grande and a throwback visual as to why I hate these bangs so much. Why don’t we just get all of our bang girlies out of the way in one big (micro) clump:

What hairstylist started this trend? Get them away from scissors immediately.

These aren’t micros but I grouped them in because she belongs in the bad haircut club with whatever’s going on past those bangs. Honestly I got a little PTSD when I looked at it because that’s exactly what my SuperCuts “front angle” looked like. If I were rich like Miley, I could’ve sued for my hair hack job. So she should lawyer up, probs.

Does the girl who wears leopard every day get down with Chappell’s whole schtick? Obv not. I’m too much of a traditionalist to be into these over the top themed costumes that she rocks on the daily double. Kudos to her fans that stan these lewks, but it ain’t me. Music slaps tho.

Who the hell invited this guy?!* Another one I thought we were rid of. Actually upon second glance at this photo where he literally looks like he’s going to murder me, good to see ya Kanye. Welcome back, babe. No bad blood here! Big time fan. Especially of your Kim K lookalike wife’s “outfit.” Top notch nips.

*just found out: no one. No one invited him and they were promptly escorted off of the premises.

I would’ve slapped a NSFW tag on this picture, but if this is how a human can “dress” in broad daylight on a red carpet, apparently there are no rules anymore and I can just roll up to work tomorrow with my labia out just as long as I put a stocking over it.

Johnny Legend looks fabulous. Chrissy out here lookin like an insect *after dark.*

The deepest of V’s and the hardest of staches.

UGH Finneas, a poop suit and rapey colored glasses?! Good thing his lady looks like a dime.

Alicia, tell me how your head feels tomorrow after dragging those bad boys around all night. Guess it’s trendy to hang tree ornaments off of our ears now.

Imagine being this short and also dressing like a matador?!

At first I was like oohh steel gray corset drama but also what a party this dress is. I was overlooking the knee high gladiator sandals. And I was underestimating how much I could let that go. The answer of course was not at all. Once I started thinking about how much I hated them, I couldn’t stop. When gladiators were all the rage I got several comments from the men in my family asking when the battle was and I got bullied so hard that it only makes me want to ask Charli the same question. Thankfully my gal pal Kat who ALWAYS disagrees with me on red carpet hot takes was on the same page calling her an 1800’s prostitute.

Never would’ve pegged Busta to be a church robe kinda guy. Although I guess we could’ve seen it coming in 2006 with: “Lot of my bitches be comin’ from miles around / See they be comin’ cause they know how the God get down”

Not a good enough reason to wear a macramé belt.

When bad patterns happen to good people. My condolences shakiraSHAKIRA.

Ope a dress with a landing strip! Gross!

I’ve seen Paris do a million times better but to be honest the sunglasses ruined the entire vibe. Did she and Finneas go to the same Sunglasses Hut? Why are we jamming tinted dad shades down everyone’s throats? Questions we may never know the answer to.

Not to knock the Cowboy Queen of the night but this dress photographs like a decorated cork board. It also physically pains me to see boobs squished this hard. Let those puppies breathe a little. They’re fighting for their lives with that cut.

BEST

Oooh ZEDD YOU KNOW I LOVE A SPARKLE SUIT!

I couldn’t shit on her outfit like I did the male counterparts of her family. How does one kid come out thinking wearing a whole house on his head is cool and the other one is a normie? Genetics, man.

YaaaAaaaAaaaSSSS baby!💋✨ -is what I imagine JLo would text me if I wore this outfit. So I’m just showing her the same hype gurl energy.

DAMN GURL! Those cutouts be CUTTIN. I just panicked that I was objectifying a teens’ body because her first hit was Drivers License and I suffer from perpetually thinking 2019 was a couple years ago, so I was like oh shit is she even 18 yet?! Quick Google search and I’m in the clear to comment on Liv’s bod-ody-oday because she’s 21. She can drink and make grown-up decisions now. Key word I am clear to comment because if you’re a guy, you’re never allowed to comment. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk about how only a snarky blogger in her thirties can talk about a 21 year old popstar’s g00dies.

I like the silver and blue, very midnights chic…but by George how does she wipe with those daggers?!

I liked her inside outfits better, mostly because girl has got HAIR and to pull it up is an injustice for all. Sabrina rocketed to stardom this year with a bunch of sexual innuendos and wearin negligees. So this outfit is right on par and it definitely works for her. Great color and just enough feather to make it saucy.

Shaboozey with the shimmer scarf. Go Off, King!

Sheryl is lookin SNATCHED! I love that a. she still looks amahzing 2. she came out of the woodwork and was part of the Sesame Street song in the beginning. c. she’s like boho chic casj cool at the Grammys.

Sometimes I just give it to a person who’s wearing something super dumb but looks so happy and committed that I find myself loving this journey for them. Teddy Swims is a dude who can EASILY be confused with both Jelly Roll and Post Malone. Except neither of those fools would be caught dead in a pearl cap and matching silky pearl jacket. GET down with your PEARL self, Teddy!

I will forever be jealous of someone who can serve an unsmiling look and not look like a circus freak/potential axe murderer. Gracie is SLAYING the mean mug. She looks like she could order one of her disciples to kill you but also like a sweet, gentle Mother Teresa at the same time. HOW?! Teach me your ways, girl!

I know I came in real bitchy and you were probz expecting me to just dump all over every look but I MUST be feeling generous to give this a best dressed nod. I think it’s the coordination here for me. The Navy Blue set with matching hat. Janelle did an MJ/Quincy trib so she was channeling that era and honestly she dresses like MJ anyway, so it was a perfect match.

My obligatory nod to the host looking nice even though they never wear anything particularly spicy.

Not only did she coordinate cream jackets with her mans (and Noah Kahan) but she looks like a tall drink of Babe Soda. The red carpet commentator made sure to emphasize that this minidress is made of HARD plastic and that it was likely very uncomfortable. No shit! If my elastic waistband doesn’t touch the underside of my boobs, I’m uncomfortable. I could NEVER squeeze my body into this let alone walk a red carpet without busting through the legos or having a nip slip.

An oat milk Prince.

I love Tori Kelly so much and I feel like I haven’t heard music from her in forever so I’m happy to see her here, which means she’s probably producing or writing for others and I love how she is one with the carpet. Tori IS the red carpet, bitches! She looks like a beautiful crimson mermaid.

If you get to host an awards show apparently you get a season’s pass to the rest of them? Cause I don’t really see why Nikki should be at the Grammy’s other than the fact that she singlehandedly funded The Era’s Tour from now many times she went. (Spoiler alert, she played a key role in stripping Benson Boone mid-performance and it did make me giggle.) All that to say, her legs look amazing and I always appreciate a mint moment.

I can’t be a hooch for cheetah print and not clap it up for a fellow jungle cat. She’s literally a bedazzled tiger. Rawr.

I wonder why she’s wearing Red? Her stems be STEMMIN tho.

A surprise cameo towards the end of the 9 hour show and how iconic is it to *poof* appear in a cloud of organza and glitter?! I need this sparkle suit immeds.

FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

I LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS LOOK! It’s so simple and that’s why I’m obsessed with it. I could wear this to the bar if I wanted to! (I absolutely couldn’t, I barely go to bars and when I do they’re full of olds wearing hoodies.) But I do wear a white tank like nobody’s biz and pairing such a basic top with the razzly dazzliest of skirts is so fun! I even like the belt as the accent to break up the two and I NEVER like a chunky belt. Kacey’s killin it and also stood out from the rest of the pack with a tasteful amount of shimmer&shine and without showing too much skinz.

Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2025

NEW YEAR, SAME SHIT, YO! I’m drinking the wine and judging the looks. Since I spent the last week switching from night jammies to day jammies then back to my night jammies again, I don’t have a super recent high fashion streetwear snap of the type of looks I’m rockin in my very busy and important life of sampling the local TJ Maxx’s. What I DO have, is a photo of an outfit I casually slipped into at the end of November and felt like a damn main character of a Hallmark movie. What did I don this ‘fit for, you ask? Therapy. Didn’t even wear it for the full day. Strutted into my therapists’ office, she basically gave me a construction worker low whistle, demanded that I spin for her, and then 50 mins later I returned back to my home, took this picture and dove head-first into a sweatsuit.

Honestly, getchu a therapist and a dog that will gas you up like mine do when you wear something other than a fleece onesie. And yea, obviously the sunglasses completed the look. The sun never sets on cool.

WORST

Get a load of friggin emo Big Bird.

Obviously she gotta body and she knows it, but the maroon and emerald green combo is offensive to my eyes.

When I scrolled down and got to the bottom of this gown I gasped. What the shit is that?!

A bow belt AND the cupcake tiers?! What did our eyes do to deserve being assaulted by multiple early aughts fashion fails.

YIKES this sucks. To be fair, if you ever have micro bangs, I’ll never be able to get past them. You could be wearing the most beautiful gown but if your bangs only reach the middle of your forehead, it’s a total wash. Don’t believe me? Ask past Ju how ENRAGED she was for half of season 6 of Dawson’s Creek.

I’ll never understand why people choose the style of dress that makes it look like you have rhino-sized child bearing hips. Makes me wonder if the girlies whose bodies resemble a straight line are jealous of my dumper. While I buy leggings that suck it all in, pull all the way up to my breast bone, and are made of a material that still manages to fall apart where my thigh gap SHOULD be from the sheer force of friction every time I take a step, skinny bitches rock a structured igloo gown to make believe baby got back.

Babydoll top with ruffles?! Wtf is that, Keira?! I feel like we went back 20 years and you’re here promoting Love Actually. Hey babe:

Not digging this baggy fit on top.

Oh great, another bird! Or a piñata! s/o Party City!

Girl’s talented as hell but she dresses like a trash bag. Both the hair and the dress feel very ‘just got off of my shift at the casino’ and swung by these awards on the way home.

Hate to break it to you, babe, but I wore this exact outfit to the only toga party I ever got invited to in college. And honestly, my tiny black crossbody and probably warm Keystone really completed the look.

PLLLZZZZ don’t bring the tiny scarf trend back. I know this is part of the dress and not technically a scarf, but it’s also the same. Not super down with the embroidered tots either.

1. This photographed SO terribly. 2. Even with a good pic, it still is a no for me, dawg. The color washes her out, the hair looks like she tossed it up to go to the hairdresser and have them style it, and that neckline is also a trend I never want to see again. Why do only the worst trends have a resurgence?!

Kate is a legend and this fit is way too matronly. It’s not doing her any favors. Also, cool it with the embroidered flowers, H-Wood.

Meh. It’s not offensive, it’s just so BLAH.

I feel like Amy Adams has worn the same exact dress for every single awards show ever and frankly I’m sick of it. Change it up, booboo. Take a damn risk.

GIANT FLOWER ON YOUR SHOULDER, LOOK OUT!

What is this, the declaration of independence?

Probably unpopular opinion, but you can do a revenge dress without your nipples poking out the eye of the one you’re wanting to piss off. Let me be clear, I’m 1000% #TeamBri, Zach Bryan is a scum bucket who deserves to be cancelled off this planet and this is her moment to shine since he made her feel like dogshit for the dress she wore to last year’s Golden Globes. She’s hot, she’s young, she’s a rising star. And this dress is too much. All of these things can be true. Also, not for nothing, but I’ve worn sticky boobs before for certain dresses and I’ve spent the ENTIRE time adjusting my boobs because it felt so uncomfortable and weird to try and shape my boobs into a small suction. There’s NO way it’s even remotely comfy to keep your thangs covered by these half moons.

Peplum & Mermaid bottom.

None of this is hitting for me.

No, but who did this to her. It’s like a couch with a velvet rope slung around her shoulders.

WOW that’s an eyesore.

I didn’t want to dump all over the entire Wicked cast but sorry bout it, I can’t pretend to like this monstrosity.

I hate this So so so SosososSO so much. DRESSING LIKE A 90’s DAD IS NOT HIGH FASHION. And making the tie a feather is just taunting me at this point. IT’S WORKING. MY BLOOD IS BOILING.

Why is she going so hard in the paint as the weird art teacher aunt lately? This fall, I bought a pair of suede clogs and an embroidered sweater and my sister ROASTED me and called me an art teacher and I’d just like to formally say, on the internet, where it will live forever, the above look is PEAK art teacher. The below stunner is basically runway ready:

Honestly, I think I could easily be flipped on this. Like if she had her hair down. JK I just took another look at the pointy shoulders and got re-annoyed.

mmmm this is a quilt, buttercup. Also, it’s been a minute since we’ve seen the infuriating pieces of hair in the face dangles.

PEP.LUM.

Instead of typing out my commentary, I’ll just leave you with this quote which is what I IMMEDIATELY thought of when seeing this look.

A skinny scarf and a pube ‘stache. KEWL.

Holding space for the draped sheet dress.

BEST

Oh ok, Toni Braxton.

I’ve never seen a pashmina look so chic.

Oh my damn, The Rock is making lilac HAPPEN.

This guy’s like probably in his forties now and he’ll always be adorable. I don’t make the rules, I just make them. I just want to stick his bellhop jacket clad body right in my pocket and carry him around foreva.

She got me with the matching shoes and all of you already know that because I’m a slut for color coordination. I also really love this splash of a totally different color in a sea of neutrals and reds.

Never thought I’d be hard up for a little piping but it sure does complete this suit. Suave as hell.

I mean you literally do not get more Golden Globe than this dazzler!

Only a hot bitch like Glen Powell could rock aviators on the red carpet. He’s such a panty soaker and he knows it, folks.

This is how you tastefully use feathers.

This is how you tastefully use chains. JK. But actually though, this is pretty cool. Angelina looks fabulous and not at all like a woman who spent the better part of a decade settling a divorce.

I feel like this is out of her comfort zone as she usually goes more basic and I’m so here for it. She looks AMAZING!

Ooh yeh baby, throw that rainbow streamer cape! This is so badass.

Bringing her son and going sans makeup is so wholesome for someone who the world has seen naked. I’m so jazzed by this second act for ole Pammy and she looks phenomenal.

HOW FUN!

God Bless Zoe for posing with her hands out to show that she did indeed match her mani to her fit.

Oh my gawwwww, Demi shining, shimmering, splendid!! This dress looked even better in movement on camera and honestly tough choice for best dressed, Demi was a top contender for sure. And spoiler alert, she won her first Globe! Because if I’ve learned anything, we don’t acknowledge women in Hollywood until they’re thinking about giving up and retiring quietly into the night. I didn’t see her movie but I heard it was weird AF, so there’s no way it deserved a W. Either way, whatta babe.

Don’t be pervs about this but that pearl neckline. GASP. Another top look of the night!

GET IT, FRAN.

Do I love this dress full of mirrors because I would probably spend the whole time looking at my own reflection if I were talking to her? I’ll never tell.

Living for the Hollywood veteran rolling through a red carpet with her hands in her pockets looking comfy AF. This gown is dressy but also somehow the overalls of formalwear and I couldn’t be more obsessed.

A great Gold vibe for the host. She’s literally monochromatic from head to toe. Like how is it possible for your hair, skin and dress to be the exact same bronze shade?!

s/o to Jennifer’s spray tan.

HIS BUCKET HAT MATCHES HIS SUIT. ICONIC. I absolutely need this outfit for Easter to irritate my family.

Cooper Koch, living proof that if you look like a Ken doll, you can wear a plain old black tux and kill it.

It’s simple but I like these little sparkle peeperonis.

Yes.

Periwinkle is my favorite color and it looks fab on Jean.

Ok, Glittery Goddess!!

Kate Hudson can wear a colored jewel for the rest of time and I’ll always reference the Isadora diamond and that’s why pop culture is Queen. But she know’s exactly what she’s doing with this frosting and turns out it doesn’t matter if it’s yellow or blue, she gonna pull it off.

Confidence is key when wearing colored lenses and that cocky finger point shows me he has it in spades.

Changing things up for BEST DRESSED OF THE NIGHT by awarding a male and a female winner! #Equality

BEST DRESSED MALE OF THE NIGHT

America’s nerdy King of Sarcasm crush DELIVERED, bb’s! Holy Jade Green Hotness! I’m so obsessed with this look and what a total babe soda he is without even really knowing it. We stan a humble and emotionally mature man. He’s literally wearing a boutonniere. TAKE ME TO PROM, ADAM.

BEST DRESSED FEMALE OF THE NIGHT

Are you even remotely surprised that I chose the leopard moment to honor?! Never thought I’d call bedazzled leopard boobs elegant and understated but here we are. It’s the perfect accent to a Glam Gold Gown. Well done, lil Fanning.

And for a sleeper award of the night, gotta give it up to my mom who texts a very simple but very bitchy comment during every awards show that makes me giggle.

Someone get this woman a Twitter. The world needs her thoughts.

Red Carpet

VMA’s Red Carpet 2024

Yeah, I know how old I am. So old that I appreciated them putting Eminem as the opener so that if I chose to go to bed or felt horrified and ancient by the hoochies that followed, I could rest easy knowing I saw the only act I’d know. (Although, Fat Joe comin at 8:50 PM…did not have that on my VMA lottery. LEANBACK!) But guess what, being old makes for great comedy when judging these ‘fits. It’s like if you were to scroll through red carpet photos with your grandma. I gasped on more than one occasion.

PS People.com had 130 photos from this red carpet. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? About 70% of those photos were nobodies. I know because I scrolled all the way to the bottom in awe of the fact that just about anyone can strut an MTV carpet these days. Let’s relax on that shit. Stop trying to keep the Real Housewives of New Jersey relevant by inviting them. Here’s a v. small sampling of who was important and/or any outfit that got a visceral reaction from me. I’m not even sorting best or worst dressed because it’s like viewing a circus and you’ll know what I think about each outfit immediately anyway.

I love a c*nty hood moment. (Did I us the c-word correctly? Gays? LMK.) The fact that the hood is also somehow gloves may break my brain and I really respect the classy nude monochrome. No clue who this is, but she looks amaze.

I will never get over the fact that this is Tom Hanks’ son. What a goon. Ready to hit the ice and serve a mean knucklepuck OR go full blown motocrossed. Whatever he wants because he’s the son of Hollywood royalty.

Fat Joe ain’t fat no mo! Seems like it’s time for a rebrand. Ozempic Joe?

Snooki knows exactly where she came from and what made her a reality TV sensation and God Bless for her continuing to deliver even though she’s a full-grown adult and mom of three. Still crushing leopard print, a chunky heel, and big hair. RESPECT SNICKERS. RESPECT.

Oh are lollipops accessories now? The dress is Forever 21 and the lolli is Charms Blow Pop, strawberry flavor. Thx.

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you can never make a trench coat high fashion chic, it’s always going to give school shooter vibes.

Not a good enough reason to show your nip nops, Benson. Also, leave it to the guy who’s making waves for soulful power ballads that get me in my feels to dress like a real pervert ice dancer. I won’t be able to unsee this the next time I’m scream-singing Beautiful Things in my car.

This was a gasp. Not only is it hideous, but I don’t need a full-frontal view of your belly snake. Ya that’s right. I said it. I get it. You’re trying to dress like a moonman to manifest taking one home. (Assuming you’re nominated…no clue who you are.) There are FOR SURE cuter astronaut-esque lewks out there. And while we’re on the topic, because why not, these barrel pants that are becoming a thing deserved to be burned in hell. A pant that makes you look like you have elephantiasis of the leg?! JAIL. TY for coming to my Ted Talk.

Thanks for showing up in your jammies to shout WE THE BEST, DJ Khaled. Don’t eva change.

BIRD LADY. This is terrifying. No THX.

Honestly what the hell am I looking at here? Sweatband silk chic? Why is the top just drooping in front of her crotch like they forgot to cut it? Ugh. As THAT girl of the Olympics this year, I had higher expectations for her to pop off on this carpet and this is atrocious.

Enjoy your five mins, Shaboozester! You earned it with one of the catchiest hits of the summer. Cuffed jeans and camel toe boots aren’t really helping your case tho…

We get it girl, you’re hot and tan. I spent my summer at the beach securing a lifelong payment of tolls at the dermatologist’s office but you don’t see me rolling up to Jenks in my undies to show off my hard work. Judging by the high cut of these ‘roos, I imagine the reverse view is fully cheeked up. K E W L.

This is so thirsty for VS Angels that I’m embarrassed for her. Not only is she desp for pair of wings, but also this isn’t even flattering. Cone boobs, granny panties and a peep-toe heel? Barf all over me.

I love a leop print but FIRE ENGINE RED?! It’s a no from me, dawg.

This is the EXACT moonman ‘fit I was looking for earlier. See?! There is a way to get inspired by a moonman but not look like a bag of crap. It’s majestic and super flattering.

NO! GOD PLEASE! NO! NOOOOOOOO! Do NOT bring back to the sopping wet red carpet look that the Kardashians BEAT TO DEATH in 2016. DON’T DOOO ITTTTTTT.

Watch out for my medallion, my diamonds are reckless, feels like a MIDGET is hanging from my necklace! But seriously what is that goblin hanging off her neck? And more importantly, how many times did her right tit flop out?

Cyndi still killin it in her seventies. SEV-EN-TIES.

I’m not really a witchy girl, as you might’ve been able to tell from the fact that I cry when summer’s over and shove neon colors and heart-shaped sunglasses down your grillpiece, but I can appreciate that she’s pulling this off. It’s almost fall (for those who choose to recognize that season) and this spooky Morticia-lite is werking.

Sure, wear a full helmet but DON’T YOU DARE COVER UP THOSE ABS, bruh. Head to toe leather but the belly button MUST be on display.

Really only included this because I’m SHOCKED these two are still together. Never would’ve guessed a relashe that started with cheating (for both parties) and a newborn baby left behind would last this long. I guess the couple that wears matching black suits stays together.

Chica Karol G dressed like a literal hot cheeto.

Jack went for the 1994 dad specialty. Ill-fitted rust colored button down and black slacks. The woven belt really sent me. And then his wife took notes from Suki Waterhouse and also dressed like a crow. She looks great, he looks like he’s stressed from a day full of selling printer toner and yelled at the kids to turn off Fresh Prince and go do their homework.

Wearing a tie as a necklace with no shirt. Only Lenny. No notes.

Shawn looks hawt. And he knows it too. Probably felt he needed to show up stuntin his A game as not one but *two* scorned exes who he happened to mack on at the same time this year would be present and performing. And true to the drama, they’ve all got songs about each other.

Bout to make some enemies but I’m already over Chappell Roan and she’s been famous for like 30 seconds. Bitch came out of nowhere. All of a sudden two weeks ago I’m reading about Chappell Roan hating being famous and I literally said to myself WHO? If you’re making a big stink about being famous and you’ve been here for a hot minute, see yourself out. Or in your own words, GOOD LUCK, BABE! She loves wearing eccentric outfits like this renaissance faire specialty and between her super annoying songs, the costume gimmick, and her rage for getting attention whilst seeking attention…I’m all set. My hate grew three sizes when she went to accept New Artist wearing knight metals that were jangling and clearly uncomfortable and getting in her eyes as she tried to speak. Sure, you want to make a statement with your ‘fit but AT WHAT COST?!

She looks fabulous. Marilyn Monroe glam for a chick who sings about what her cooch tastes like. Flawless.

No.

Kneejerk reaction is that the bottom looks like a scarecrow. Now that I’ve typed that out I feel like it makes no sense. But I’m gonna double down. It’s the tie part. MEGAN THEE SCARECROW. Boom. Roasted.

Saved the best for last. JK I didn’t have any control on how these photos uploaded. I hated this, obviously. I took one look at her trying to be punk rock edgy in plaid and was like omg go home, nerd. Then honestly I saw what hot garbage everyone else was wearing and it grew on me. If we take out those ridiculous leather fingerless gloves that go up to her armpits, it looks good. And obviously, tune into the Swifties to see what this outfit and her mid-show change means because of course it is FULL OF EASTER EGGS.

Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2024

The SAG Awards being on a Saturday night has forever thrown me off, I remember days in my fresh from college years where I was pre-gaming to the awards. Obviously that is no longer an issue for me as I can’t remember the last time I unironically used the term pre-gaming or left my house after 10pm. But, pulling a red carpet out of my ass on a Saturday night is still a feat. On top of that, Netflix had to flex their live TV muscle and decide to show them this year making it confusing as to how I could even find them. Needless to say, I missed half the awards but it was too big of a heavy hitter to also miss the red carpet. (I figured the People’s Choice Awards were geared toward reality monsters and everyone looked like garbaggio anyway so I went ahead and skipped that one, you’re welcome.)

WORST

It’s Working Girl meets One Room School House and it is hideous.

I’m sorry, what? I could stare at this gloves/shrug combo deal forever and still be perplexed by it. Did she have to lay face first on a bed and put her hands and arms into those gloves and then pull the shelf bra over her chest? No that can’t be right because how did it get around the back? I may never figure this out but honestly I don’t want to because it’s disgusting.

I don’t love the color of this but even more so, I don’t love this weird glitter/brocade texture.

This is a Bitty Baby version of Kathryn’s duds above. What’s with the black shelf bra and sheer gloves?! Also, immediately no:

I literally get a headache just looking at it.

What a monstrosity. The poof around her neck is giving court jester while the 5 layers of cupcake tiers are giving my worst nightmare. And to top it all off we’ve got a blinding bronze linear pattern. Just goes to show that a best dressed at one red carpet can fall right down the well into a dumpster fire at the next.

This is jarring to say the least. Imagine being a grown adult with an underboob cutout in the shape of a Dorito? Cringe city.

American Girl Doll chic except it’s not chic at all it’s basically a picnic tablecloth with Kirsten braid bunz.

OoOoh a condom waterfall!

Lace halter is so 2000’s prom dress it hurts.

I’m actually feeling kind of torn about this. On the one hand, her makeup is stunning and I love the simple jewels. On the other hand, the top of this dress being a square with shoulder dangles and boxy throughout is super unflattering on her.

Ole toilet paper mummy head ass. Homegirl just looks like she got attacked by wolves on her way here. How are we calling this a dress? It’s just a bunch of shredded fabric glued together and if the person who designed this is rolling in it, I’m about to change careers. Charlee! Hand me my shears!

I hate to be the one to say it and I know I’ll rock the boat on the JAW cult following, but the man whose last name is White, does not actually look great in a white suit. It’s a little pervy to me and I can’t even explain why because it’s just a suit on a deliciously hot man. Maybe it’s the pointy black boots? I don’t know but so far this season we’ve seen him in all black and black pants with a white jacket and I was hunky dory with both of those but this is an ick.

I hate that opera gloves are making a red carpet comeback. Sure, I love to be dramatic as much as the next gal but we don’t need gloves up to our armpits with a full glam look. There’s a time and a place for the Pretty Woman gloves and green leather with a full detailed floral dress ain’t it, honey. (I actually like the dress because I’m a sucker for mint and for flowers but the gloves ruined it.)

I’m sorry, was the jester on several stylist mood boards for the SAGs?! HOLY DANGLES. This makes my eyes hurt and probably poked a lot of people as she scooted by.

DIE AWAY FROM ME BIG BELTS. No one, and I mean no one, should ever go back into their Big Belt Era. That being said (and I mean it, don’t let this stupid trend come back) I do like the top corset-esque cut to the dress.

Look, Bradley’s getting up there in age. He’s no longer the suave Hollywood babe so effortlessly. And that’s why I feel like I wanted more from him. He can’t just get by on his good looks anymore he’s gotta turn up the heat in the fashion department. I trust that he’ll read this note and come right for the Oscars.

STRAPLESS BOOBS.

I’ve got a Barbie heel to Margot Robbie’s neck this awards season and I won’t let up until she wows me. This is super vaginal. I saw it and was like oh she’s going for pussy chic. I KNOW she has an arsenal of original Barbie fits to pick from the cream of the crop and I’m sick of her not pulling out all the stops for red carpets. Sure, she kinda got snubbed for the Oscars. It’s whatever. All the more reason to be showing OUT on the carpet. Keeping my fingers crossed for an Oscars stunner.

GLEN GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE WITH THAT POOP SUIT WHAT TF ARE YOU DOING?! YOU HAVE A TOP ROM COM AND YOU SHOW UP ON THE SILVER CARPET LOOKING LIKE A TURD IN THE PUNCH BOWL AND NOT THE BABE SODA OF EVERY GIRL’S DREAMS?!

BEST

Simple and kinda 90’s alt chick but it works.

Oh hell yea this is a nice twist on the lady suit. Tuxedo style top with a sparkle skirt! I’m into this.

This guy is just happy to be here after that long hiatus and I like that he’s dressing to impress. He’s not pulling out the tired black tux, he’s spicing it up with a SAG-AFTRA blue (literally matches the background) and he looks great.

Not 100% in love with a mesh shirt but definitely swoon for a pastel blue.

I’m totally cool as a cuke about not having a flat tummy and continuing to consume all the cheese in the world until I see something like this and I’m like SHOULD I STARVE MYSELF/EXERCISE TO GET ABS?! The answer of course is I’d rather die, but I did think about it for a second. This midsection is TOIGHT. She looks fit as a fiddle and is even making me like peaches and cream in a gown.

The PERFECT hourglass dress.

Hey Girl, let me be your pastel Easter egg. Open me for a surprise. Whoa that took a weird turn, huh? That’s what happens when Ryan’s lookin like a spring snack getting me all hot and bothered.

An elegant Ice Princess.

The Disgusting Brothers can do whatever they want to me if they look like this. (I’m sorry I’m bringing an aggressive sexual energy to this red carpet, I literally can’t help it..look at Cousin Greg’s bedroom eyes.)

Put this in a museum because it’s a rare moment when I’ll say ok to these two. Billie’s back to black hair in a sassy pony and she’s got a school girl vibe and I’m digging it. It’s like classic Ralph Lauren. PLUS when her hair isn’t shades of neon, her eyes pop so much more! GO BILLIE GO!

I feel like Jen chopping her hair has contributed to a major glow-up. Not that she needed one. She’s been stunning for several decades in the spotlight but this sassy short hair is DOING IT ALL. She’s sunkissed (whether real or fake doesn’t matter), showing a little cleave and werkin a sparkle leg slit. Get down with your bad self, girliepop.

Normally not a cutout aficionado, but this seems like a tasteful side bewb sitch.

What a fun little glitzy hurricane number! Love the maroon and pattern.

Primary color Reese back at it again but damn it she looks fab.

Another fave look of the night, this dress is kinda scaley in a fun way! It’s like The Rainbow Fish but make it a little slinky number. Bookmarking this for my future wedding dress inspo. I’m gonna go into David’s Bridal and say just that.

This is me eating my words. Mermaid bottoms are toxic sludge EXCEPT when you ACTUALLY PLAYED THE LITTLE MERMAID. Loophole! I saw this and was like UGH KILL IT WITH FIRE. And then I remembered she was an actual mermaid and I immediately redacted it. She gets a pass. One time. Also great color.

Perfect LBD and really into the emerald necklace to give it a little pizazz.

I mean she’s the damn president of SAG AFTRA and basically led the strike and the negotiations for everyone to come back to making mid-TV and movies based on books. Let her rock a salsa girl emoji hot red number. She looks fabulous right down to the red nails. It makes my heart sing when a lady coordinates all of her details perfectly. 💃

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

I truly cannot stop gazing at this dress. It looks like liquid has been poured over her body in all the right ways. The chic bob on top and a simple necklace that perfectly accents the color is weeeerrrrkkkin. Everything about this is smooth AF.

Pop Culture

The Olsen Twins: A Timeline of Coordinated Outfits

The heyday of Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen was pre-Twitter, Memes and Vines, and what a true shame that is. They may be high fashion queens now, but I feel like it’s necessary to remember them for who they used to be—the pinnacle of coordinated outfits and envy of all non-twins. The Olsen twins were the trendsetters of my generation and it’s about time we bow down to them for it. Here are the best of the worst coordinated outfits, complete with the top trends they made cool (in chronological order by movie, obviously).

It all began with the exact matching outfits with theme. This is easily my favorite. Two wittle sailors circa the 90’s. I respect this look because my mom also went through a phase of sewing my sisters and I matching outfits for Christmas cards with coordinated patterns. Isn’t that the cutest thing you’ve ever seeeeeen?

Once the girls got a little older they were like ENOUGH, mom. We want to be individuals! This is when they started the same outfit but opposite colors trend. This pretty much stuck for the next ten years. Because it’s not matching if it’s not the same color, DUUUHHH. These neon backwards hats were edgy and cool for their “You’re Invited” intros.

For their ever so classic Sleepover Party that I was obviously invited to, they decided to T it down with the matching so their friends didn’t think they were total losers. If we’re being candid I don’t think they needed to worry about a girl who brings a framed picture of her dog to a sleepover because she misses him so much judging them. Anyway, they rock these jean headbands and coordinated purple and florals as they teach us how to spell PIZZAAAA, P-I-Z-Z-A.

Is it bitchy of me to post this picture where they’re clearly going through a hairstyle identity crisis phase? Probably, but when you stumble upon gold like this it’s pretty much a crime not to share it with the world. The girls revert back to their old ways for a press appearance with exact matching outfits right down to the frizzy blowout and chunky black platform sandals. The pastels that complement each other were a nice touch though.

Billboard Dad was when the girls’ personalities really started to shine through in their fashion choices. Anyone whose anyone knows that MK has always been more tomboy and Ashley more feminine. Even though their styles started to part ways, they held it together with matching colored lenses and well-placed butterfly clips because they’re spunky AF. Also quick LOL to the baby boobs coming in during this era.

Ah we’ve arrived in the Passport to Paris era. The girls embark on a new country during Spring Break and set off the tradition of a new vacation movie every year…which I am forever grateful for. This movie showed how they handle international style and just how much they’ve grown up. We get to see travelwear like we’ve never seen it before, with the opposite color one-straps. Blue for MK (duh) and Pink for Ash. The moment this movie premiered I marched right over to JCP to buy my own one strap. Mine was also blue because I was going through a tomboy phase like MK and the sound of that velcro strap was like music to my ears. Also has anyone ever looked cooler in pleather?

Paris also treated us to THE HANKERCHIEF. Instead of matching exactly, they matched themes with their peasant tops paisley print for Ash, gingham for MK. Ever having a bad hair day with your perfectly blown dry bob? Slide a headband with a triangle hankerchief hanging off it right on and all your problems are solved.

After reviewing this outfit choice, I’m beginning to think that Paris started to think all Americans were trashy around this point in time. Wearing camis fit for a PJ set out for a day of sightseeing isn’t exactly approps for the City of Lights. The shell chokers, beaded hair and matching purses make up for it though, obviously.

Formal wear for the ladies consisted of a loose strand in the face (it’s elegant), a string of pearls and a spaghetti strap dress. It’s no wonder those french boys were all about slow dancing with these fine young American women. Bonjour, Bonjour, OH MY GAWD.

Right around the same time the Olsen’s started jet-setting, they also personally invited me to their Dance Party. I’m glad I could make it because there were some really cool rapping moments in the girls bathroom. What IS all the noise about boys? Since they’re at the age when they’re dancin it up with boys, MK&A got real edgy with the animal prints. Zebra bags, cheetah lined pockets, RAWR. Did they take the black choker/wrist cuff and slightly racist Japanese shirts a little too far? No, no they did not.

Shortly thereafter, the girls witnessed a diamond robbery in Our Lips Are Sealed. They had to be placed in the witness protection program, which gave us a live look at how they dress for their geographic location. In Cali they were all about the graphic tees and tinted shades:

In Seattle they were hipsters with chokers plus hers & hers hemp bucket hats/bandannas:

And Aussieland gave us the tropical vibes with hawaiian prints and bathing suit skirts:

I must’ve been really good that year because my reward was a yacht party in Australia that yielded the greatest matching 70’s outfits alive. Not only were those white Go-Go boots (that eventually were ditched on the boat to jetski with the cute guys) on point, but they danced with peace signs and told classic jokes to the camera. “Oh am I supposed to say something funny? SOMETHING FUNNY!” Ohh Ash, you should’ve just let your outfit do the talkin.

The girls really matured when they started to grow their hair out and join the debate team. They had their first educational movie in Winning London and they really showed they were there to work hard with their trench coats and scarves, but their patterned flare pants revealed that they have a wild side too. Classic case of business on top, party on the bottom. The comeback of the tinted aviators kind of throws off that theory though because that could also be perceived as party on top. Let’s reiterate: Party(shades):Business(turtlenecks, scarves and smart coat):Party(plaid/tie-dye slacks):Business(a smart pair of leather mom boots). WHAT a balance.

SHIT. I forgot to factor in the puke colored plaid bucket hats. I don’t even know where these fall on the spectrum. WHY ARE TWO FIFTEEN YEAR OLDS WEARING SO MANY EARTH TONES? That’s so Brit of them.

Thank GOD they lose their overcoats and kick off their chunky heels to get TURNT at the club one night. Unfortunately that means they don these icelandic eskimo dresses, pink vs. blue of course. Although this time Ashley’s in the blue. Really throwing us for a loop there. The turtle necks, however, are apparently even necessary while partying. Let your necks FREE, Chloe and Riley! (For the record, their names in this movie were so good they re-used them for their show So Little Time. Chlo + Riles 4eva.)

Holiday in the Sun blessed us with some more Hawaiian patterns as the girls were whisked away for winter break on their dad’s private jet to Atlantis in the Bahamas. If you think I’m complaining about these tacky floral prints, it’s got nothin on the level of whining that came from the twins when they realized they were going on a family vacay instead of partying it up South Beach style with their trashy high school friends.

Instead of being thankful for their all expenses paid tropical vacation and a full box of Krispy Kremes, they amped up their “we’re basically legal in this country and we can do whatever we want” vibes and went balls to the wall. Falling in love with the local who cleans the shark tank and investigating smugglers occupy their time, and skintight tube tops and one-shoulders occupy their bodies. Even their beach wear consisted of tight wifebeaters, I’m assuming to show off their fully grown boobs. All to the tune of Weezer, obviously.

Other notable trends from the Bahamas: The comeback of the pigtail braids

Murica themes…(Seriously if this tube top were still around today I’d wear it to a 4th of July party because it’s cute AF).

And from day-wear to night-wear, the black one shouldered tank paired with opposite colors geometric skirts. Club READY. Now he’s what time it is. Ok you got me, I think I actually genuinely liked every outfit from this movie. The girls reached their fashion peak in Atlantis. Hair, accessories and clothing were on point. All the awards. The beach suits them.

Road trips on the other hand, didn’t suit them so well. It’s hard to imagine that these two globe-trotting beauties were only just turning 16 but after making out with so many cultured men it was time to get their licenses and celebrate with a classic cross-country road trip in Getting There. They discovered straighteners and how to look casj in addition to a bright red ‘stang. Nothing says road trip like aviators and converses.

If they wanted to look a little more mid-western casj, they threw on their sleeveless plaid shirts and earth tone corduroys. It seems as though they learned nothing from the barf tones from Winning London. 16 certainly didn’t start off with a bang for these two. It’s nice to see that they celebrated the big year with continuing the ultra matching theme right down to the jeweled choker.

Italy was much kinder to their fashion sense in When In Rome. They’re artsy and cool as they intern and immediately get fired from unpaid work. It doesn’t matter though because they have their hotel room directly IN the Colosseum and their cozy neutral wrap sweaters to fall back on.

The final installment in the straight to VHS collection of our two favorite gals is The Challenge, where all of their past lovahs come back to ask why the hell they only got a peck and nothin else. This movie was an overall DUD mostly because it played out much like an MTV Real World/Road Rules Challenge without the drinking or the sex. Booooo. However, it brought us the linen pants and beach waves. YAS. Lip gloss for an extreme challenge? Duh.

We’ve finally arrived at the end of the Olsen girls’ career as we know it. New York Minute, the full length feature film that people (me) actually paid to see. Boy was it a shit show. Apparently going mainstream made them cocky they could pull of anything, because they made the executive decision to wear these I ❤ NY t shirts with tacky red skirts and chunky heels for like 98% of the movie. No, thank you. In a sense, we came full circle because we started with exact matching outfits and ended the same. We end the saga not with a bang but with a whimper.

And because I never end the list with a whimper, please feast your eyes on a little then and now version of Rebellious Olsens. If this childhood doo-rag picture doesn’t make you laugh out loud then I pretty much don’t want to know you as a person. The second shot (obviously not present day because it’s not terrifying) was roughly 8 years later on their short-lived TV show So Little Time. Wildly underrated in my opinion, also fire theme song. From bandannas to clip-in color extensions, fake tattoos to fake tattoos. We’ve watched these two grow up before our very own eyes. A fashion evolution, if you will. They’re in their 20’s now and I can only hope they still call each other to plan coordinated outfits for outings, even if they are black cloaks, at least they keep the twin fashion sense alive for the rest of us.

Now excuse me while I check if their WalMart clothing line is still available online…

JUice

Weekly JUice

1. NYFW-DIS BLAKE’S SHIT. RESPECT THAT. BOW DOWN BITCHES. Seriously though is it New York Fashion Week or Blake Lively Week? Did she just have a baby or something? NBD but HBD.

Also Rihanna probably should’ve just turned around and went home in that bathmat top and strategically hanging off of her arms bedazzled jean jacket.

2. Taylor Swift releases music video for Style on Friday the 13th (duh). It was certainly not what I expected from Tay for this little number but watch below and then I’ll force my commentary on you.

Obviously Blank Space was a bananas video so to follow that is already tough stuff. This was an artsy approach to the one of many songs that were about her former lovah Harry. I guess I can respect the visuals and the tree trunk growing in her spine for the most part…Things that I really liked: the red lips when he looks in the rearview mirror although I don’t condone scaring someone when they’re driving at night. It’s been a known fear of mine to drive somewhere in the dark by myself, look in the rearview mirror and see someone’s face. So although it looked cool in the video it’s also terrifying. Anyway, I got sidetracked there–other things I liked: gratuitous abs and another stellar hot male lead, girl never disappoints in the man candy dept. Also when things got scandalous and there was a little sex tryst that resulted in lightning. I think she’s trying to tell us she’s got mad bedroom skillz. Lastly the white criss cross crop was killing it. Things I could do without: barefoot in the woods,all of the superimposed eyes coming in hot. Too many eyes, too little faces. Will they ever find each other?

3. Brett Eldredge throws an impromptu karaoke bar crawl in Nashville. Sex on a stick, Brett confirmed what I’ve believed for many years now, that I should probably live in Nashville, when he posted an instavideo telling people to meet him at Warner Music if they wanted to do some karaoke. He then filled a party bus and went bar hopping with a bunch of strangers singing karaoke. Some of the songs he sang included: No Diggity, Ignition, Bang Bang, The Joker by Steve Miller Band and obviously he did his best impression of himself when he noticed his own songs were on the karaoke machine as well. My obsession with Brett grew three sizes and I wasn’t even there to witness this. If I was there I ABSOLUTELY would’ve knocked it out of the park with Bye, Bye, Bye. Brett could be the JC to my JT any day.

View this post on Instagram

Karaoke last night with my fans was bang bang BANGIN….I guess you could say we had fun😂

A post shared by Brett Eldredge (@bretteldredge) on Feb 10, 2015 at 4:54pm PST

4. Missy Elliott’s music video dancer still goes HAM on those moves. While rest of the world quickly forgot about Missy after the Super Bowl I obviously did not and went on a binge of her classics so when I stumbled upon this video I felt it was necessary to share, to keep the Missy love alive. Alyson Stoner was like an 8 year old dancer in every single one of Missy’s music videos and she was a little white girl with puffy bangs who was G AF. Example:

She was also in Cheaper by the Dozen, Step up (s), and Mike’s Super Short Show for all you Disney kids like me. Naturally as fading stars do, Alyson caught a wiff of the Missy nostalgia and just made a Missy Tribute video (she ain’t dead yet gurl) showing off her moves from the music video days–mostly to hawk that she’s now a singer too, but we’ll let it slide. She’s still a straight up gangster and I’m big enough to admit my dance skillz are sub-par so it was cool to watch. All this buzz is probably leading up to a Missy comeback and I love every minute of it.

5. In honor of 50 Shades opening weekend, here’s the only appearance leading up to the premiere that didn’t make me cringe all over. Jamie Dornan on the Tonight Show doing some sexy accents and popcorn reading. If you’re going to see the movie this weekend just close your eyes and picture his buttery accent wafting over your body instead of bland.com Dakota Johnson/Anastasia meekly whispering her lines while the two of them exude the sexual tension of cardboard. Happy Valentine’s Day ❤

The Salty Ju

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