Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Still Cutting Dead Weight

Moving our way up through the vacation locales, we’ve arrived in Geneva, Switzerland after a glorious Bachelorette free week. It was ABC’s birthday gift to ‘Merica. Rachel’s gift to these men is telling them at the beginning of the episode that there would be no rose ceremony, thus leaving them to their devices to put their heads together and figure out who will not benefit from this little switcheroo. Cough cough, the only two left that no one remembers the names of, we’re all lookin at you. Seriously though, my dad watched the first five minutes of this episode because I bribed him with a chocolate ice cream bar and the first thing he said was who are these two guys, they’re both ugly when it showed Matt and Adam strategizing on the patio. Classic Dad roast. He’s not wrong though.

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Rich People Stuff with Slobbers McGee

Bryan gets to drive a Bentley around town for a little Swiss watch shopping. Rachel’s all, I love to take care of my man, and Bryan’s all, I’m gonna tongue dive all over your face while we shop for expensive jewels. What a couple of douchers. Bryan calls a watch “a forever gift” (ok.) and is close to bursting into grateful tears as he thanks Rachel for his new timepiece. Rachel can CTFD on pretending for a second that she paid out of pocket for two Swiss watches. Cut the bullshit, girl. Your TV show paid for this trip as well as this date and all gifts included. They will also pay for your engagement ring that you will end up having to give back. NICE TRY THOUGH.

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At night we learn that Bryan’s last serious girlfriend dumped him because she didn’t like his mom or something. Rachel is like I can’t wait to meet your mom here’s a rose followed closely by my tongue. They eat face while violins play.

During this suffocating date, back at the hotel, Dean’s like alright, this jabroni is 37, lives in Miami and has had a lotta time to learn how to smooth talk his way into a lady’s drawers. TRUTH BOMB. #TEAMDEAN (or #TEAMANYONEBUTBRYAN)

Put on your Sunday Best with Dean

Rachel takes Dean to church and not in the way Hozier sings about. So, Bryan gets to drive a Bentley and get blinged out, Dean has to sit through a mass all in French. SUCKKKSSSSS. Church in foreign countries blows big time. I went in Italy and basically got booed out of the joint. It didn’t help that my friend who came with me was wearing what she wore out to the bars the night before. But either way…it’s God’s rule that when you’re worshipping Him, the people around you shouldn’t be judgmental AF. NOT UP IN HERE! Not only did the heffer in front of me act like I was a carrier of SARS during the sign of peace but she also seatblocked me after communion and the entire congregation sounded like they were auditioning to be the phlegm in a Mucinex commercial. In the words of myself, in an email I sent to my father from Florence in 2012 complaining about how mean those turds at the Duomo are:  “Then mass ended so that we could go in peace and learn how to be asshole Italians who treat others poorly in the house of the Lord.” Why did I tell that tale of how Italy is the home of the Pope but they’re the least welcoming Catholics on this planet? Because it’s infinitely more interesting than anything that occurred on this date. HEYYOOOOOO.

Later, Rachel tells Dean that this date sucked. Hey, maybe don’t expect a trip to french church to do anything BUT suck. But either way, Dean confesses that he acted like a weirdo because he doesn’t want Rachel to meet his dysfunctional family who peaced out on him when his mom died. Rachel takes this very obvious “I don’t really wanna be on this show anymore” as an invite for a hometown date. CAN’T W8!

We’re at the Peak of our Relationship with Peter

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Rachel and Peter fly up to Glacier 3000 for a dog sledding adventure. Speaking of dogs WHERE THE F HAS COPPER BEEN THE LAST 4 EPISODES?! Other than watching puppy wuppies run in the snow and Peter’s beautiful cover-ready mug getting more screen time, nothing about this date is particularly noteworthy. Except for the fact that Peter’s most recent girlfriend never met his parents and they just grew apart. He tells this story really dramatically even tossing in the “I watched her crying in my rearview mirror as I drove away” for a pretty low-key breakup. No one died, no one was sick; no one was cheated on or beaten with a high heel. Grow up, Peter. Rachel feels like Petey’s not ready for the ole proposal, probably because he cried over dumping a girlfriend once. She gives him the rose anyway.

Difficulty with Eric, Matt and Adam

Rachel greets the three losers and they all say “THERE SHE IS!” in different tones. Real original. They take a boat to France. Eric’s not afraid no more. Real sentence that dribbled out of his mouth. Rachel sobs to Matt about how he reminds her so much of herself. Is that why the guy who wore a penguin suit the first night to cover up his balding head is still around? Rachel is like I’m crying because I don’t want to meet your family, goodbye. I’m pretty sure the first time they’ve ever kissed was when she was giving him the boot.

Later after Matt (?) is bounced, Adam says, “there she is” in a careless whisper and WOULDN’T YOU KNOW THERE RACHEL IS!!! He takes her aside to tell her about his family and how much he loves her or something I don’t know. He brought a dummy of himself on the first night that was terrifying. He cannot survive one more week on this god-awful show. Eric gets the rose, thankfully. Only a few more weeks everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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