Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Bitches Get Stitches

kenny

“See what a bitch does when a bitch is confronted”

We’re still on the group date where the guys showed us that spelling wasn’t their strong suit. It’s the shitty date that will never end. Rachel is being wooed by Bryan and his lazy tongue dragging all over her face while Kenny takes a very intoxicated Lee out back for a little chatski. He puts on his best Kindergarten teacher voice to calmly tell Lee that he’s a snake and a liar. Lee walks away confidently exclaiming that he’s in Kenny’s head and he won that battle. So we’re clearly dealing with someone very rational here.

Bryan gets a rose because his tongue permanently resides on Rachel’s face. Kenny makes a speech about how much he respects Bryan for not stepping on anyone else or lying to get his rose and “doing it the right way”. Lee says F you and it leads to the only moment I laughed out loud so far this season. Kenny whispering to Lee “You’re a bitch” is the only redeeming moment of the past 4 weeks. Nothing quite like being whisper insulted in front of all of America. If I were Lee I would’ve just left the show right then and there. Nothing you can do to recover from that.

Shuckin’ and Shaggin’ with Jack Stone

Jack Stone, the only jabroni who had his full name in his bio but then went by Jack on the actual show has intrigued me this whole season. He looks like he belongs on a bus ad for realtors with that ridiculous smile but stayed under the radar so far. I guess he was just waiting for his shining moment to show everyone that he is sneaky a serial killer. Not only does he spend the entire date looking up at Rachel with his head tilted down like he’s eyeing her from the corner of a coffee shop, but he also cannot complete a sentence.

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After slurping some oysters together, Rachel tells the camera, “we should be perfect for each other but I’m still missing something.” A personality, perhaps? She literally jumps out of her skin when Jack tries to kiss her and says some bullshit about how she’s sick or something? Bro take the hint that she’s macking EVERYONE but you (but mostly Bryan). Jack goes on and on about how comfortable he is, how quickly he’s falling in love and how perfect their first kiss is which means he’s getting sent home REAL soon, like before he tries to tongue her again soon. Meanwhile, Rachel is like my vagina is drying up by the second. To put the nail in the coffin, Jack tells Rachel he just wants to lock the door, lay in bed and hang out with her. YOU, SIR, ARE A CREEP. Rachel grabs the rose to break up with Jack and tell him that she’s not attracted to him. The fact that Rachel’s go-to move is breaking up with guys who are obsessed with her with the rose in her hand is SUH dirty I can’t help but love it. Here’s this rose that I’m absolutely not going to give to you because you’re gross. Bye.

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Back at the castle, Will has a grown up talk with Lee about how using the word aggressive to describe a black man can seem racist AF. Lee doesn’t “understand the race card”. Yep, ok.

Rose Ceremony: Dean, Bryan, Eric, Peter, Adam, Will, Matt, Alex, Josiah, Anthony, Kenny, Lee

ticklemonster

Tickle monster gets one last tickle in for the road and says he needs a girl who appreciates tickling. I hate to break it to you J, but that doesn’t exist on this planet. Iggy sobs about how disappointed he is in himself. Maybe if you didn’t spend your time with Rachel being a grade A narc, you wouldn’t be drowning in your own tears.

Bryan’s Date in Oslo, Norway

bryan

Rachel wants to know if there’s more to Bryan than his sloppy tongue. They repel off of a ski jump, with Rachel in very sensible heeled ankle booties. Eye roll city. Bryan is sex breathing as he’s repelling then demands kisses from Rachel mid-suspension. The kissing noises make me want to rip my ears clean off of my head. WE GET IT—YOU GUYS WANT TO VISIT BONETOWN. Rachel is scared to find out why he’s still single cause we ALL KNOW there’s gotta be a reason. At the night portion Bryan smooth talks it up that he’s in all the way and he’s vulnerable and blah blah blah he gets a rose and I cannot wait for his flaw to be exposed.

I’m Looking for a Guy That’s Good with his Hands with Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric, Josiah

The guys play a game of handball with Rachel. Josiah’s flirting approach is to block every single one of her goals and never let her win. Peter takes the opposite approach and touches Rachel the whole game long. Lotsa touches. Real handsy that salt and pepper prince is.

Later on, Alex reads a letter he wrote to Rachel. Can we cut the shit with everyone penning poems and letters? It’s so lame sauce and weird to popcorn read your diary entry to the girl you’re trying to date. Speaking of weird, Matt had lyrics embroidered on some silky underwear? Seriously what was that? That’s almost as shitty as Lee’s block of wood from his dead grandpa.

embroidery

Josiah tells Rachel that she’s the girl for him. She points out that he never asks her questions. And his response is you’re so pretty and smart. What a connection those two have. Peter and Rachel make out in the hot tub…on a group date…while everyone waits in the other room. Hm. Will gets the rose and Peter immediately wants to drown himself in that dirty scalding water. DOES A HOT TUB HOOKUP MEAN NOTHING TO RACHEL?!

2 on 1 with Lee and Kenny

In prep for the date, Kenny facetimes his daughter and sobs a lot. Since when are the contestants allowed to have cell phones? Loop hole. Lee gets swole. Cause apparently the cowboy is now a gym rat. Did he change out of his boots to lift weights? I must know. Lee waltzes out to the group of guys shit talking him before the date and is all can’t wait to get some time with my guurrrllll! Hey Lee, no one is rooting for you. They helicopter to a remote forest as per usual for a two on one date. Kenny says all the right things and tells Rachel how much he wants to focus on their relationship and not that slippery snake racist, Lee. Lee tells Rachel that Kenny ripped him out of a van and then weaves a long tale about how Kenny becomes abusive when he drinks and turns to the dark side. What a manipulative lil bitch. Also in case I haven’t mentioned it in a while, his hair is really ridiculously stupid. Rachel re-confronts Kenny about beating the shit out of Lee or whatever and it’s to be continued tomorrow night because what else do we all have to do this week other than sit through a 4 hour lead-up to a fake punch? Nothing, apparently. It’s sad that it’s true.

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