Rachel’s home visit is early because he sister is about to poop out a baby and Rachel needs her sis to judge her boyfriends before that happens. I feel ya girl. HOWEVER, Rachel’s super famous judge father CONVENIENTLY isn’t there. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….

Peter

Peter and Rachel stop at a baby store first to pick out a gift for the newest family member on the way. Peter tells Rachel he is falling in love with her because he hadn’t said it before and he could tell Rachel was NOT feeling confident with that. At family dinner, Peter gets suuuuupes emosh and tells the whole fam that he can’t imagine life without Rachel. Everyone creams their pants at this romantic manifesto. Except for me, because I know there’s no way Peter wins this thing. Why, you ask? Well Peter tells Rachel’s mom that he will not be asking for her dad’s blessing because he wants to make sure he’s ready when he does ask. He basically just wants to date Rachel. Rachel’s mom is like cool because her dad wouldn’t have given his blessing anyway. Bottom line, Rachel ain’t gonna like this very reasonable approach to a completely unreasonable television dating experience. Most importantly, the GOAT Copper makes an appearance. Where have you been, buddy? It looks like his paw is fully healed so there’s really no excuse as to why he hasn’t accompanied the gang on every traveling adventure. I call bullshit.

Eric

Eric reminds us that he is a child who’s basically never dated or met the fam. His last relationship was only 8 months long and it was 3 years ago. Rachel’s sister is like um, no. Eric asks Rachel’s mom for her blessing and he’s like however you answer will not affect my actions, basically. Bro, don’t tell your girlfriend’s mom you lived the playboy life for years and that you’re gonna propose regardless of her blessing. His closing line for a family home visit is: “Peace and love. You’ll be great.” Oh, ok.

Bryan

Bry kicks off the visit with a little brunchy brunch to meet Rachel’s friends. Apparently we’re not the only ones shocked that he gets a friend hang as well as a family hang because he shouts Oh WOW fifteen times on the way to the restaurant.

He charms the panties off her friends just by saying he’s ready to settle down and how he’s not about playing games. But then he walks out cocky AF saying he won the friends over. When he meets Rachel’s family he spends a solid 5 minutes gushing over his mother and how much he loves her and how she’s the #1 woman in his life. It almost seems a little TOO weird. Rrrrred-red-red flag. That’s all I’m gonna say about that. Rachel’s mom is like your wife should be ranked above your mother, JUS SAYIN. I appreciate you, Kathy. Keep asking the tough questions, it’s TIME TO CRACK CHEEZY BRYAN. Even her sister steps in on truthing Bryan’s real feelings and I almost cheer at my TV. If Rachel’s family can singlehandedly take down Bryan in one dinner, they deserve all the awards. Rachel feels like she’s being attacked by her family and her orange-head bro in law steps in to tell Rachel she’s being too emotional and needs to take a step back. I would’ve drop kicked by brother in law if he told me how to talk to my mother. I kinda wanted to drop kick Rachel’s brother in law but I think that’s mostly because he just kind of has a punchable face and gets on my nerves. Not as much as Bryan does though, he tells Candace that he already feels one with their family and Candace is like we are not one with you. Rachel may have been all about Bryan and his Colombian tongue bathing her face the first time they met but the family is not falling for his BS. Mamma Kathy tells Rachel she’s uncomfortable with the word love at this point and it’s very obvious she just hates Bryan because she was down with love after 6 weeks with both of the other gents. Bryan doesn’t ask for a blessing, he just plans on doing the damn thing. Bold.

La Rioja, Spain

Bryan kicks the soccer ball around with little Spaniards. Peter wears khaki shorts and makes me question why I’m throwing my support behind him.

 We Out Here with Eric

Eric and Rachel “explore” AKA they go sit on a cliff and chat. Rachel asks what he learned about her from the hometown visit and his reply is, “you don’t really need much but you need everything.” It’s safe to say he Michael Scott’ed that one. Started a sentence and didn’t really know how he was going to end it. He tosses more words around, with the buzzword of the conversation being ‘strong’. Eric pretty much knows nothing and is really just trying to coast his way to a couple other countries and some more screen time at this point because he’s clearly not ready for marriage especially not to an independent WOman.

At dinner, Eric lists all their special times together through the journey if we count him listing cities and things as special times. COPENHAGEN. HOT TUB. WORDS. Rachel pushes him to complete a full sentence and he’s like I appreciate how much you challenge me. He tells her how happy he is and how he’s in love with her. It’s almost as if he knows that’s the password to the fantasy suite. Eric milks it for all its worth, doing a dramatic reading of the come into my bedroom card (THAT IS THE SAME EVERY SINGLE SEASON). I’m surprised he didn’t stand up and act out every sentence. Quit while you’re ahead, Eric. He’s shirtless the morning after. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Besos with Peter

The vineyard owner talks to them in only Spanish and they pretend to understand it all. Peter doesn’t pretend that hard when he just about nods his head off. Then vineyard man awkwardly sings at them and gives me all the uncomfies. Can you imagine someone standing 2 inches away from you singing right in your grillpiece in a different language? That sounds like a nightmare. One time I was front row at open mic night and a comedian went up there to try some poorly written material and I wanted to die probably more than he did. Obviously I do well with social situations. Either way I’m sure it would’ve been appreciated if producers tossed some subtitles at these two as they were clearly struggling with this language barrier. They get a key to their “own” wine cellar AKA a cage with a temporary whiteboard tag attached to it. Production value was low here. Then, during their super serious conversation about marriage, a stray child lurks in the corner and suddenly that means it’s time to have a family grape stomping sesh. Perfect timing to bring back the best grape stompin ever created. (Hey, I gotta do something to liven up this dirt.com show/blog)

Per family tradition, Peter gives Rachel a cork from today and asks her to write a small novel on it about their day. It’s sweet but like their initials and a heart would’ve sufficed. Back to the hot topic at hand…Peter is NOT getting down on one knee at the end of this. Rachel speedy Gonzalez didn’t come on this show to find a boyfriend, she wants a huzzzzband. And Peter would only like to get engaged once and not ya know, just for TV because there’s pressure to. PRETTY NORMAL. They can’t find a common ground on this issue, which is like the whole show, so it’s not looking great. Rachel is devastated and obviously it’s to be continued.

I don’t think I need to say it but since this season is so bad I midas whale…these bottom three are DUD city and there’s no way any of them is right for Rachel. You’ve got a guy who clearly isn’t ready for marriage and has had like one college girlfriend, a guy who literally said he will not be proposing at the end of this and a guy who might just end up marrying his mother. Sick season. Since I’ve had such a terrible season to work with I hope you can forgive me mailing it in on every single one of these blogs. Just watch the old lady reporter screaming OW OWOWWWW over and over again and it’ll make it better. See you next week for Men Tell All where we are sure to see Lee get called a BITCH.