Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – I’m Copen This Ends Soon

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Monday night (if you recall…I know it was a while ago) Lee told Rachel that Kenny turns into the Hulk when he drinks. Casually, of course. Kenny plays right into Lee’s bullshit and starts threatening Lee with some grown-up swears. He is a VERY angry elf. Rachel tells Lee that she can’t trust him and that she wants to spend more time with Kenny to decide if he’s worthy of a rose. Lee may be a bitch (said only in hushed tones) but Kenny is acting like one too and they both need to GTFO. Kenny needs to “say goodbye” to Lee while Rachel waits in the helicopter and questions why she decided to do this show. I wonder every week (sometimes twice a week) why I decided to watch it.

Rachel asks Kenny later why he needed to go back to Lee for an extra goodbye other than to make us all want to hang ourselves with the living room curtains. Kenny says he needs to talk things through rather than bottling them up. It’s a decent explanation but also that was wildly unnecessary and Lee gets his paycheck whether you tell him he has some good inside of him or not. But who am I to judge? They have a nice chat about how Kenny wants to be vulnerable and have a good relationship. Kenny gets the rose because he’s honest and sincere and a dad. Then he illegally facetimes his daughter and sobs a lot again.

Rose Ceremony Numero Uno: Bryan, Will, Kenny, Dean, Eric, Peter, Alex, Adam, Matt(WHY?)

Josiah shouts that no one is better than him, as he leaves…a loser. A loser with a skinny wiener.

OFF TO COPENHAGEN!!! WHAT an upgrade from Myrtle Beach or wherever they were last week.

I’m Copen to Love with Eric

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Eric dances over to Rachel and is REAL jazzed to finally get some time togets and probably also that Lee is gone. And Iggy. They take a boat tour of the city and an old man thinks they’re married because he was paid to say that. Then they get in a public hot tub where some old Denmarkian flashes them his family jewels. Sounds like the type of crowd you would expect at a cluster of hot tubs dropped in the middle of a city. Maybe get tested right quick, guys. Just a suggestion. Take it or leave it. Eric tells Rachel that he’s falling for her, he always ran from love because his mom hated him. He gets rosed.

I’ve Taken A Viking To You Guys with Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter, Adam

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The bros have to row Viking style out to an island where they learn from Tom, an actor wearing a beanie that looks like a condom on his head that Viking is actually pronounced Wiking. See? This show is educational. The first game is to grab a greasy wooden phallic shaped thing from Rachel’s hand. FUN! Peter tosses Rachel around like a ragdoll. MUSCLES! TOSS ME AROUND, PETER. In the final round it’s Adam vs. Kenny fighting for her heart and you don’t say KENNY GETS AN EYE INJURY! SHOCKER the injury that was teased for 2 weeks was really just from a dumb group date competition AND NOT FROM LEE. WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT?! Me. I guessed it. Suck it, ABC. Suck it so hard.

Later Bryan is like we’re so connected, as his tongue snakes down Rachel’s throat because their only conversations are slurping ones. We do learn that Bryan’s family won’t be racist (hometown guarantee) and that he’s ready to settle down. We also learn that Will only dates whites, but he’s down to explore Rachel.

Kenny (who fought real hard to stick around) feels like he’s losing time with his daughter for no reason. Realistically we all know his time expired on this show right around the same time that he wouldn’t stop freestyle rapping. He tells Rachel that he needs to know if he’s staying or not because he wants to go hang with his kid. Rachel keeps it one hunnid and tells Kenny he should go home. She’s so 100 emoji it’s unreal. I wonder if she has the 100 emoji tatted somewhere? I wouldn’t be surprised. Kenny facetimes his daughter on the way home and cries. Props for keeping it consistent. Rachel gives the rose to Peter because DUH.

Sweden with Will

The two play games and get hot chocolate and an old ass Swedish couple just HAPPEN to join Rachel and Will to talk about their love story. It’s completely organic and not at all scripted. They smooch to show they’re still in love even though they’re old and crusty and Rachel has to demand that Will give her a kiss. Yikes to that chemistry. They finish the day portion in awkward silence staring out at the view.

Later Will confesses that he’s mostly dated white chicks and immediately you can tell Rachel is not down with this. Rachel tells Will he’s just friend material. They talk for far longer about this than is necessary. Bye, Will. You’ve been friend zoned. Speaking of friend zoned does anyone remember that show on MTV? Where one person is in love with their best friend and then MTV films them confessing and the other person has to decide if they want to date them or never speak to them again because obviously the friendship is over? God that show was good. SO much better than this show. Can we bring that back? Nothing says good TV like old fashioned rejection.

Rose Ceremony Numero Dos: Eric, Peter, Bryan, Matt(AGAIN, WHY?!), Dean, Adam

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