Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Forever and For Always”

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Real talk, this could’ve been the series finale. (I wish it were.) There’s no better and more perfect ending than the long-awaited country wedding for Deacon and Rayna. Four years in the making, the wedding was not without a liiiiittle drama but in the end everything was adorbsicles.

All smooching drama with Markus Keen is long forgotten as the past month has been SUCH a whirlwind for Rayna planning her wedding and doing his press tour. Ray, don’t act like you can’t afford the world’s best wedding planner. I’m assuming that’s who this random bitch is who shows up 10 minutes into the episode to interrupt Daphne and Maddie singing? Seriously, the little angels are onstage dedicating a new song to Deacon and Rayna and everyone on God’s green earth finds this as an opportune time to chitchat with the couple. Maddie continues to rub it in Daphne’s face that HER dad isn’t rotting in jail for some money laundering and hooker timez. This doesn’t sit well with Daphne, I guess because she stops singing. After the rehearsal dinner, the paparazzi ask Maddie which dad she likes better and Deacon decks him. Then our new random character that plans weddings slash does PR (?) for Rayna announces that the paps have learned her wedding location and so now they have to get married in a barn and take a lot of decoy rides to this top secret location. Ugh, the lives of the rich and famous.

Also, hey, Tandy’s back, ya’ll! PS she still hates Deacon and she’s spreading that hate through the Conrad family like wildfire. After the paps incident, Maddie’s questioning whether Deacon is a rage-aholic as well as an alcoholic cause she’s not dramats or anything. And Daphne pulls the ole cough cough I’m sick, like no one is going to question her missing her own mother’s wedding. This obviously causes Deacon to freak out like a baby betch and peace right outta there. BYYYEEEE DEACON, HOPE YOU FIND YOUR BAAALLLLSSS!!

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At the wedding of the century, we have a couple of comebacks. Layla’s back. She left town because her boyfriend died saving Juliette from a drunken suicide. Remembs? Bucky throws a generic “it gets better” toward her. Real supportive stuff. Colt is also back (without his poor AF dad) and wastes no time scrambling over to Layla and revealing the truth. She promptly boots and then devises a sneaky plan to get back at Juliette because how else would you get over your shitty boyfriend’s death?

The ragtag gang of Will, Avery, Scarlett and Gunnar successfully make Rayna’s wedding all about themselves. Will is being blacklisted by the closeted gay Wade Cole and doesn’t want to attend such a high profile wedding and have to talk about his life, so he sits this one out. Avery should have sat this one out because apparently Nashville is a place where semi-famous people and other country singers think that it’s appropriate to ask Avery no less than 1 million personal questions about Juliette, who he has to keep lying about. Seriously, I don’t buy it that anyone would be this interested in his life. What a bunch of asshole friends Rayna has. And of course, Gunnar vows to be Scarlett’s wingman and sucks at it, much like he sucks at picking women. Apparently he’s still “dating” roadie ho Erin? Scarlett’s like wah all these guys are terrible and ends up swaying in Gunnar’s arms because OF COURSE.

The three drama Q’s who are trying to sabotage Rayna’s wedding all change their tune when Rayna’s like hey guess what I’m marrying Deacon so ya’ll can GTFO if you can’t be Team Deyna. Jk she only does that to Tandy—to the girls she’s a little more sensitive, which they don’t deserve for being such turds and causing their mom stress on her wedding day.

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Meanwhile, Deacon’s chilling with dead Bev. This seemed like the perfect time for ghost Bev to make a comeback and roll her eyes at the premise of Deacon marrying Rayna but alas, I think we’ve finally seen the last of ghost Bev. Instead, Frankie tails Deacon and tells him to haul ass back to his wedding and stop being such a chump.

Finally, the moment has arrived and Deacon makes it back just in the nick of time to not look like a total d-bag. Scarlett & Gunnar’s “When the right one comes along” plays over the wedding montage of some real sappies. First thing’s first, let’s address Rayna’s wedding look. The dress is great; I have no problems with the dress. I do have a problem with tying her famous loose waves to one side and tossing a weird bun pinned in the back. What is happening there? LET IT FLOW, RAYNA. Don’t mess with it!!! Anyway, the vows are lovely (we get it, LONG time coming) and there’s no mention of Deacon almost killing his bride to be, so that’s nice! The kiss and dip was a real SWOOON and even better is when Deacon slow dances with his girls to make sure they don’t hate him anymore. This fam couldn’t have been happier than if they were sangin’ “A Life That’s Good”.

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Sidebar: not everyone’s happy because apparently the honeymoon’s over for Colt and Maddie now that he’s like REAL into his farm chores and BFF Granddad now. It was fun while it lasted I guess, but Colt can’t live the bad boy life foreva. He’s seen some shit. Also Avery leaves the wedding abruptly in tears. So things are a little dicey on his end.

For the grand romantic finale, Deacon carries Rayna over the country house threshold, serenades her with a slow ditty and then they bang it out right there on the couch. HUZZAH!

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Can’t Get Used to Losing You”

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In the event that you forgot or are still in shock to remember, Jeff Fordham tumbled to his plot twist death a couple weeks ago. Something tells me his ghost won’t be slithering around Nashville for episodes to come unwelcome like Bev’s did. That something is his blooming TV career, but who am I to jump to conclusions? What comes as no shock to anyone is that Juliette doesn’t even know Jeff died, because her brain is drowning in booze and pills. So the assumption is made that he committed suicide, which is a poetic assumed death for someone who was such a narcissistic buhhole.

Not so fast though—don’t forget we have our little eyewitness who turns out may not be so reliable because Luke finds an empty bottle of liquor in Colt’s room. Really bruh, you made it through a party and up to your room without getting caught and you couldn’t just toss the bottle in the hallway trashcan? I remember my first beer. At least he knows how to lay on the guilt when he wails that he came to find his dad but HE WASN’T EVEN THERE! YEAH. WHERE WERE YOU LUKE?! Oopsie he was just porkin his image consultant who he fired for a few hours. Turns out her name is Gabrielle. Literally took me 5 episodes to learn it. Gabrielle listens to Colt’s confession and tells him to zip it until she can figure out how to spin this. (She was re-hired with the sunrise.) Also Jeff has a sister and she’s a real Twat with a capital T. Sis essentially tells Layla that she was just a mouth to Jeff and will not be invited to the funeral. Harsh.

As if we weren’t all reeling from the death of a character that no one really liked, Nashville was like LET’S UP THE ANTE and present to us, SCARLETT WITH A BUZZCUT. Her tangled and wild forest of a mane has quite literally been mowed off of her scalp. Caleb sees it for the first time and is like YIKES boner kill…or something nicer, I’m not sure because I was actually yelling when she debuted the worst dramatic TV haircut since Felicity. A TV show trying to save a terrible character with a haircut is laughable and I’ll take my time lawling about this one. I’ll let you guys know when I stop having giggle outbursts every time G.I. Jane is in a scene.

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Even though nothing can be worse than Scarlett’s sudden impulse for a bald head, her chemistry with Caleb who’s already been around for far too long continues to be non-existent. As they grab a pre-tour dinner, Caleb’s toast is, “may The Exes future be as bright as your smile.” Scarlett responds by staring at her phone. These two are white hot. I don’t know how they’re not pawing each other right at the dinner table. Probably because they’re busy sleeping in each other’s presence since this relationship is the most boring thing to ever occur.

Gunnar is still trying to get over the fact that Scarlett is dating someone who makes her underwear drier than the Sahara and keeps casually sleeping with Erin the roadie. Then light bulb! Gunnar’s like hey you should come on tour and work for me. Not a big thang at all. No really, this story line will never be a big thing. It’s obviously a terrible decision for these two to work together and yet Gunnar agrees to it after he tries to whine about it to Will and is sternly told that everyone in America has bigger problems than this so kindly STFU.

Will and Avery become besties because they’re both sad about being dumped. What does one do when they have a case of the sadsies? Harmonize, obviously. Avery has an ugly cry one night thinking about what might have been with Juliette and right on cue Cadence is like Hey is someone crying and they didn’t invite me…how rude! And her screeches fill my ears once again. I almost got tricked too when she cracked a smile earlier in the episode. That little tease. Anyway, Will and Avery stand over her crib with goofy dad smiles and sing about her peeing in the pool. And she’s like that’ll do it, goodnight. Let’s resume my ear shattering shrieks in the morning, boys. At least that’s what I assume little miss shouts-a-lot is thinking as she decimates everyone’s eardrums.

While pretty much everyone is unaffected by Jeff’s death with most reactions spanning from “oh” to “really?” to “yeah that’s too bad”, Layla is destroyed. It doesn’t really help that their relationship was a secret and everyone’s like who dis when she tries to talk about how much they loved each other. I actually liked Will for a second when he is there to comfort Layla, and stay up all night to unpack her apt (which was packed to move in with Jeff.) What a sweetie he is when he’s caring about other people’s problems.

Juliette is the opposite of a sweetie when she tells Layla that she’s torn up about Jeff’s death because she has to get a new manager. She also aggressively tells Layla to forget about Jeff and get the F over his death already. This of course is right before she takes the stage for a tribute and says, “Jeff was my manager, he will be missed.” Damn, that’s deep. She really dug down for these sentiments. While she was digging around for emotions she happened to stumble upon the brown-out of her trip to the roof and Jeff actually saving her life. She finally asks for help and Layla takes the stage for a proper goodbye to Jeff, a yodeling song about their love. Does it make anyone else feel terrible that Layla’s entire existence is pitiful? If they don’t throw her character a bone soon they midas whale just kill her off too so at least she can reunite with her heart, Jeff. I mean girl went from marrying a gay guy and having a shitty reality show to being attacked by the press, drugged and left for dead in a pool, looked over by like every music label, underappreciated on Highway 65, in a secret relationship with her manager who was JUST about to go public with her and move in AAAAAND he’s dead. But for the GRAND finale—she thinks her boyfriend committed suicide. And she probably won’t ever know because Gabbers (formerly known as Luke’s bang buddy) checks Juliette into rehab and they sweep sweep sweep the truth of Jeff’s death under that giant Nashville rug o’ secrets. At this point killing Layla off would be a blessing; maybe everyone would appreciate her more after she’s gone, like Michael Jackson. I bet her record sales would skyrocket…she could do a concert in hologram. I’m just saying, only way to go is up, I guess?

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Til The Pain Outweighs the Shame”

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Last night’s episode should have been called “How Rayna Got Her Groove Back.” It starts out somewhat dreary when Deacon would rather hang out with a half-conscious Bev than bang, bang, bangity bang his fiancé and then a random old man we’ve never heard of before drops out of Highway 65. But Rayna does not fret over the silver cowboy; it just gives her motivation to harness that hair full of secrets and sign a new piece of man meat.

Meanwhile, Juliette’s next tour stop is Nashville and obviously that means she has to see that family she pretends to have. Avery drops in at the house (baby in tow) only to find Juliette amidst a full-blown high school rager. His entrance is about as welcome as the Manlius cops breaking up a low-key game of beer pong with taser guns. (I clearly grew up on the rough side of the tracks.) Anyway Juliette kicks everyone out then tries to tell Avery that she loves him and the **deep swallow to mask her disgust** child. She manages to hold it without throwing things or screaming then puts it down for sleepy times so she can smooch Avery and pretend nothing even happened.

I wish nothing even happened between Garlett (work in progress) because their awksies is getting real annoying. They have a photo shoot where they stand on opposite sides of the room and radiate uncomfies. The only bright side is that Scarlett wears a boobalicious black gown instead of the typical castaways from Mary Kate Olsen’s closet that she usually wraps herself in like a wandering bird lady.

Unfortunately she quickly covers the beautiful fitted dress with a drapey, baggy sweater to kick it in the hospital with Bev, who is now alert and speaking. Her daughter and bro are overwhelmed with joy while Rayna can’t even hide the look of panic in her eyes when she sees that Bev has clawed back from the grave to take the fame that she deserves. Bev takes these fleeting moments of life to show that her head injury buzz cut has humbled her and she doles out advice about Scarlett’s dating life and apologizes for being a dirt bag mom.

Deacon still won’t leave Bev’s side so Rayna goes to the girl’s talent show by herself and as the Little Conrad’s sing a tribute to their fave band “Boulevard”, Mamma Ray is like that’s cute girls, I’m going to cash in on your favorite band breaking up by poaching the lead singer to save Highway 65. And she heads off to do just that, on a commercial flight to NYC.

Poor, sad, Avery just wants his family back and can’t see that his trainwreck of a wife is using him and whats-her-name for red carpet publicity. The infant screams through Juliette’s entire performance—which is pretty snotty because the song is actually a good one. Not everyone can be as talented as The Wiggles, so Cadence should stop being such a pretentious music snob. Ever the closeted post-partum sufferer, Juliette keeps it together onstage even though I probably would’ve dropkicked the child who dared to offer back-up wails without approval. Juliette tries to prove she can mom so hard by changing the diaper backstage in her sparkly getup. Unfortunately Cadence had a real dumpfest in her diaper and pretty much drove her mom to run away and throw out her cell phone. Maybe she should lay off of the strained peas if she wanted to keep a mother. But in all seriousness, can somebody put this baby to bed?! No wonder it won’t shut the F up, it’s front row at a concert past it’s bedtime with a diaper full of shit. Anyway, Juliette’s mama bear act is OVAH just as quickly as she can charter a private jet and get a new number.

In exciting new man meat news, Rayna just about clinches the deal with Markus Keen AKA Riley Smith AKA hottie from Disney Channel Original Movie Motocrossed. She becomes every traveler’s worst nightmare yapping for an entire flight but pretty rockstar doesn’t seem to mind because Rayna is flipping her hair and batting her eyelashes to get him to sign country and revive her dying label. Bucky informs her that Keen’s lawyers want millions and full creative control and Rayna tells him to make that deal. Girl may have her groove back but those could be her famous last words. I guess boss bitch Rayna makes Deacon horny because he finally lays it on her when she gets home and promises to stay the night instead of just hitting and quitting like he’s been doing. OBVIOUSLY in that moment Bev’s heart rate decides to take another nosedive and Deacon’s definitely not going to blame sex with Rayna for that or anything. Also not for nothing ya’ll, but it’s time to off Bev. Chase that white light, gurl, you’ve served your greater purpose in saving a beloved character that should’ve never been in danger. Deuces.

Other Things That Happened That Don’t Deserve Complete Paragraphs:

-Some random music exec is the birdie in Luke’s ear all episode telling him to drop Will Lexington and his contagious gayness. According to her, Luke could be the next Jay-Z. Um, exsqueeze me, minor character, do not EVER compare Wheels Up to Hov. Dropping an openly gay artist does not a rap empire make. Also everyone knows there’s no Jay without Bey and if I recall correctly Luke lost his Bey to a guy with a shitty liver. Nice try, though.

-Daphne gets the bitchy bathroom gossip treatment while she’s hiding in the stall. Be more cliché, Nashville.

-Layla the invisible is neglected for an entire episode by everyone who’s paid to care about her and it’s actually hilarious. The only one who seems to care is Glen, who offers to be her manager. Remember Glen? Me neither, if there ever comes a day when I don’t confuse Bucky and Glen I will deserve a pat on the back.

-“It’s not like you guys are saving lives,” Hot doc serving a cold dish of I’m smarter than you to Gunnar and proving what we already suspected, he’s a dick and will be gone soon enough. Don’t get it twisted, Doc, music is more important than meddy-sin in Nashville.

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Playlist

Best of Nashville Playlist

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Nashville is back for season four tonight and rather than dwell on the terribly predictable and overplayed story lines we have ahead of us for another full season, I decided to focus on the best aspect of this show—the music. Here’s a collection of some of the top hits from Nashville seasons 1-3. Unfortunately I’m not a huge Rayna James fan, sorry let me re-phrase, I’m a huge fan of her hair and boss bitch qualities, I’m NOT a fan of her music, so you will not find much of it here.

1. Wrong Song-Connie Britton & Hayden Panettiere AKA Rayna James & Juliette Barnes. This sassy-Deacon-tell-off is the best thing Rayna and Juliette ever collab on. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that Deacon bagged them both, but this song exists as a friendly reminder that these two frenemies are also Eskimo sisters.

2. If I Didn’t Know Better-Sam Palladio & Clare Bowen AKA Gunnar Scott & Scarlett O’Connor. If I recall correctly, this was the first song that Gunnar ever got Scarlett up onstage for and from the moment they gazed into each other’s eyes, we knew we were about to get a boatload of sexual tension via open mic night. Forever my favorite singing duo on this show, I could listen to these two have breathy harmonies until the end of time.

3. I Ain’t Leavin’ Without Your Love- Sam Palladio, Chaley Rose & Jonathan Jackson AKA Gunnar, Avery & Zoey. This was the short-lived group project of “ZAG” before everyone was like why is Zoey even here? She sucks. Then Scarlett was like joke’s over guys I’m done being retired from music and swiftly took ole Zoey’s spot in the band and sent her packing to Oklahoma or something. Anywho, this song was Zoey’s best contribution to the show.

4. A Life That’s Good- Lennon & Maisy AKA Maddie & Daphne Conrad. There is another version of this song that has the happy yet quite dysfunctional fam of Rayna, Deacon and the girls but I’m partial to anything with just the two girls…they deserve all the stage time they can get with their knockout voices.

5. Don’t Put Dirt On My Grave Just Yet- Hayden Panettiere AKA Juliette. This is one of my favorite Nashville songs, not even because it’s supes catchy but also because it’s a big middle finger from Juliette. Jeff Fordham tries to make her publicly apologize at the Grand Ole Opry for saying God doesn’t exist and instead she slams down this song and it’s sassy and fabulous. Also she gets fired and blacklisted from all country music labels but that’s neither here nor there.

6. If I Drink This Beer- Will Chase AKA Luke Wheeler. Rayna gets involved with Wheels Up right quick after a disastrous Deacon fall-out and we all just wait for the other shoe to drop. Unfortunately they dragged it out for an entire season and she holds out until their wedding day to be like jk I’ve been in love with Deacs this whole time. Luke takes it really well—naht—he turns their wedding into a free concert and sings this sad song about getting drunk with a broken heart.

7. Borrow My Heart- Clare Bowen, Jonathan Jackson & Sam Palladio AKA Scarlett, Avery & Gunnar. This was performed as “SAG” because S booted the Z out and then once they realized they were a fire flames band, they decided to change their name to the Triple X’s. Much better. Probably not at all awkward that everyone on this show has banged each other and also sang about it.

8. Tell Me (Acoustic)- Audrey Peeples AKA Layla Grant. I’m a pretty avid Layla hater, mostly because she almost never sings then married a gay guy, then got together with the most hated character ever and thought he loved her but putting all fictional character judgments aside, she really crushes it on this one. No pageantry, just good vocals.

9. This Town- Claire Bowen & Charles Esten AKA Scarlett & Deacon Claybourne. Scarlett and Uncle Deac, always the perfect pair of introverts both hate the whole Hollywood aspect of being a musician and feel like they don’t belong so they wah-wah about it in this great piano tune.

10. Heart On Fire- Lennon & Maisy Stella AKA Maddie & Daphne. When these two cherubs are singing it makes it very easy to forget how insufferable Maddie actually is in her angsty teen years. I believe this number is from the episode when Jeff “the creep” Fordham strikes a blackmail deal with Teddy to get Maddie signed to his label so he could profit off of her melodies and box out little Daphne. This song should stand as proof that the dream team should never be separated.

11. What If I Was Willing- Chris Carmack AKA Will Lexington. This is a country HIT from ya closeted boy, Will. One of his first songs and a sure banger, things sort of went downhill for him, probably a side effect of hiding your sexuality on a reality show with your wife, but fingers crossed now that he’s out and dating a songwriter the hits will start flowing again.

12. Have A Little Faith- Maisy Stella & Will Chase AKA Daphne & Luke. This one is included because it tugged at my heartstrings. Ever the dramatic Maddie leaves a benefit the two of them are supposed to perform at to be with HER REAL DAD, DEACON. Little Daphz is like it’s cool I’ll just hang out by myself while you two kick it with your real family and Teddy does something genuinely nice and asks Luke to bring Daphne up onstage for this adorbz duet. Also she’s like 11…that voice…damn gurl.

13. Fade Into You- Sam Palladio & Clare Bowen AKA Scarlett & Gunnar. It seemed fitting to end with another golden duet hit. We’re about to be four seasons in and these two are still not quite done with fading into each other (if ya know what I mean) so this song will forever be relevant.

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Television

TV DILFS

I’m extending Father’s Day celebrations by a day so that we can properly commemorate the hottest dads that have graced our TVs. These fictional dads have made raising kids (woof) sexy and cool AF. Feast your eyes upon the top TV DILFS.

10. Deacon Claybourne- Nashville

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Although it came as a casual surprise to Deacon about 14 years after the fact that he was a dad, he has taken the job in stride (after the initial almost killing Rayna incident, oopsie.) His boozin past makes him edgy and mysterious while his parenting technique is singing duets.

Best Dad Moment: Bursting in on Maddie’s afternoon delight with her boyfriend Colt and recruiting Juliette to have the sex talk with her because it gives him the uncomfies.

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9. Rufus Humphrey- Gossip Girl

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Rufus had some glory days with his 90’s band Lincoln Hawk that quickly turned into being a single dad to the poorest kids on the Upper East Side. He doesn’t let that stand in the way of snagging former lover/rich bitch Lily van der Woodsen.

Best Dad Moment: Encouraging Dan to boink Serena. Also putting up with little miss trainwreck Jenny, which deserves all the awards.

8. Phil Dunphy- Modern Family

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Phil may be a little on the flamboyant side (see: his college cheerleading career) but his killer sense of humor and ability to memorize the dance moves to High School Musical are what makes him sexy.

Best Dad Moments: When he taught Alex about the powers of Jagermeister, shot Luke with a bebe gun and made his own shirt to move Haley into college.

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7. Dr. Derek Shepard- Grey’s Anatomy

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May he rest in peace, McDreamy had a way of piercing you with his blue eyes and then saving people’s lives, NBD but HBD. Though I can’t pinpoint a whole lot of fathering, he is eye candy and that’s all that matters. (Gone too soon.)

Best Dad Moment: Perching a tiara atop that head of lettuce and having tea with Zola.

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6. Elliot Stabler- Law & Order SVU

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Stabler investigates brutal rapes and murders from 9-5 but then goes home and is dad AF to his five(?) kids. He’s protective and brooding and one HOT STUFF law enforcer.

Best Dad Moment: Anytime he gets aggressive with someone he’s interrogating. Oh sorry, I got distracted…ummm probably when he burned his daughter Kathleen’s license so she’d stop getting DUI’s.

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5. Christopher Hayden- Gilmore Girls

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Technically Christopher was a shitty father for all of Rory’s childhood but have you seen him? Swoooon. He comes back into her life when he gets sneaky rich and then gets another shot at dad when he has little demon Gigi.

Best Dad Moment: When he gives Gigi whatever she wants to make her stop screaming like a devil child. Forever the bad boy dad.

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4. Jim Halpert- The Office

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Jim is probably the most romantic guy ever in TV history (bold statement, I stand by it) and also happens to have a killer sense of humor, as displayed in his life’s work to prank Dwight. Plus he has a great range of funny faces, which probably makes him a gr8 dad.

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Best Dad Moment: Finally succumbing to Halloween and doing a family costume.

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3. Jesse Katsopolis- Full House

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Our third and final rockstar dad, Jesse can command a stage with the Rippers, has iconic luscious locks and is a bonafide lady killer. When he finds out he’s having twins he loses his shit but once they’re born and he can finally tell them apart without matching up their footprints, he becomes a phenomenal dad who refuses to cut their hair.

Best Dad Moment: Putting doo rags and leather jackets on his babies for a family portrait.

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2. Nathan Scott- One Tree Hill

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Nathan Scott went from being the star of the Tree Hill Ravens and all around dick to married with a baby all before he graduated high school. But that didn’t stop him from being the sexiest teen dad this side of the river court…seriously have you seen him shirtless? He kept at his all-star basketball career (with a timeout to be paralyzed real quick) but also made sure to teach Jamie how to use condoms in high school how to be a baller and carry on the Scott traditions.

Best Dad Moment: Wearing a cape to Jamie’s school and showing everyone that Scotts are ALWAYS popular.

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1. Eric Taylor- Friday Night Lights

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Coach Taylor is the top dog of TV dads. He brings his football teams to state, has a hot ass wife with fabulous hair and invented “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose.” I mean, come on. Coaching horny teenage boys all day has essentially made Eric want to lock Julie (we’re disregarding Gracie Belle because she was obviously adopted from trolls) up for life, which makes for some very sassy and hilarious parenting.

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Best Dad Moment: Giving Julie the sex talk via a game of ping pong. (Please accept these ratchet screenshots in lieu of the clip, which was near impossible to find.)

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