Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette S14 – Ranking the Contestants

Becca

Listen, not only is this show slowly but surely going down the shitter but they’ve also apparently done away with the quirky questionnaire under each person’s photo. So you’ll have to excuse me if this blog seems meaner than previous ones because I have LITERALLY nothing to go off of but these stupid headshots and a very general cheesy game show contestant blurb about each person. How am I supposed to judge you and make fun of the very essence of your being if they’ve crafted a PR sentence about you instead of asking what your greatest fear is? Seriously ABC, make this MORE difficult for me to blog. They also did Becca WAY dirty in this picture. What’s with the lace blazer? Come on. If you’re gonna pound “Do the Damn Thing” into the ground as this season’s catch phrase than at least allow your lead to look like the babe that she is in her cast photos instead of a mom attending a board meeting.

If I may make a blanket statement, which I usually do without your permission, they led all casting calls at “professional” athlete/aspiring model camp in Florida. Let’s get the Floridians out of the way, shall we?

Trent, 28

Trent

This guy here moved TO Florida to pursue an acting career. Is this a thing that I’m unaware of? Is Florida the up and coming hotspot for models? Cause my first thought is the plot of Magic Mike and that’s not really the catalog work that Trent here is bragging about.

Jordan, 26

Jordan

Nope it’s really a thing. Jordan is ALSO a model in Florida and he likes to run when he’s not “posing for magazine shoots.” All of the eye rolls in the world.

Nick, 27

Nick

This weirdo refers to himself as a “weekend warrior” who can usually be seen in his “signature tracksuits” I hope for all of our eyes’ sake we never have to see this signature outfit.

Jean Blanc, 31

Jean Blanc

Bio schmooze-writer felt the need to list this entire guy’s resume of the places he’s lived and the schools he’s attended. None of this erases the fact that he lives in Florida and is a “Colognoisseur” AKA he collects colognes. LOSER.

Chris, 30

Chris

Chris wants to retire in his 40’s like the rest of his family. Make it far enough in this show and you’ll retire with InstaG money, sir.

Chase, 27

Chase

First of all Chase, work on your smile because this sinister look will give me nightmares forever. Second of all, Chase’s highlight reel consisted of all the sports he played in college. Congrats on being athletic when you were 18. No1currrrrs.

Connor, 25

Connor

And this here is your diamond in the rough from the Florida bunch. He’s cute, loves his fitness and apparently was a former pro baseball player. Could be nice eye candy but he’s a baby and there’s no way he’s ready for marriage. He’s this season’s Dean.

Christon, 31

Christon

And now we move into the athlete/former athlete portion of our program. Christon is a FORMER Harlem Globetrotter. So like he made a career of doing tricks on the basketball court. Now he’s a pro dunker. Do with that what you will.

Clay, 30

Clay

Clay is a pro football player but they’re not name dropping a team, which makes this 100% bullshit. Either he’s benched, injured, retired or whatever because there is no chance they’re tossing an active football player on a reality dating show. Also he has the widest head I’ve quite possibly ever seen. Unrelated, but needed to be noted.

Mike, 27

Mike

Mike is a sports analyst who, “loves festivals, horse racing and state fairs.” So Mike is a degenerate.

Garrett, 29

Garrett

This guy is weirdly obsessed with Chris Farley and can’t wait to show off his impression which most likely is cringeworthy. Fingers crossed it’s his limo entrance and Becca will want to burrow away from him immediately.

Blake, 28

Blake

Blake believes two people need to be completely independent in order to truly be in love. Hm.

Leo, 31

Leo

Leo is a stuntman and he’s been growing his hair for the past 10 years. Leo makes my skin crawl.

Ryan, 26

Ryan

Ryan plays the banjo and is super into his family banjo band and I literally said UGHHHH out loud as I read that. We don’t need someone jamming the banjo down our throats all season.

Lincoln, 26

Lincoln

This kid is Nigerian and was named after Abraham Lincoln. BRUH, YOU’RE NOT EVEN FROM THIS COUNTRY WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NAMED AFTER A US PRESIDENT?!

Jason, 29

Jason

“A successful banker with a heart of gold” God I hate this show. Seriously think of a more stupid sentence to describe someone. News flash Jason, we can tell you’re a banker by your dumb slicked Wall Street wannabe hairstyle. You look like Gordon Bombay trying to dress like the bhole Iceland coach. AND THAT IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. (Spoiler Alert: since CNY salivates at the notion of anyone with a tv crew in town, Syracuse.com already wrote an article a full 2 months ago about how this boner gets a hometown date. Makes me hate this show even more.)

David, 25

David

Speaking of stupid, here’s another successful business man. Because of course that’s how you describe a 25 year old. Also, he “loves avocado but hates guacamole.” A walking conundrum.

Darius, 26

Darius

D-Money lives a life of service so he’s charitable AF and probably won’t last long in this testosterone pissing contest.

John, 28

John

I fell asleep reading this guys’ bio and he looks like a dad.

Wills, 29

Wills

He seems cool but all we really know is that he’s into Harry Potter and has a plural first name.

Jake, 29

Jake

Jake’s a thrill seeker and into motocross. I was into that DCOM Motocrossed where the girl chops her hair short to compete with the boys and then falls in love with Riley Smith. Same thing, really.

Grant, 27

Grant

Again, nothing really special here. Apparently he’s sarcastic AF so maybe that’ll keep things fun or maybe it’ll be really annoying. Time will tell.

Rickey, 27

Rickey

I think Rickery Dickery Dock made an app or something for fitness but have you seen his bowtie game? Between that and the maroon jacket, he’s inched toward the top of the list.

Joe, 31

Joe

Tale as old as time, record breaking stockbroker turned grocery store owner. Joe didn’t have any true red flags and he’s pretty cute so here we are. If we’re being completely honest, in my notes I wrote “he’s fine” and starred him. So that’s where our standards lie now for contestant bios.

Christian, 28

Christian

This hombre is from Mexico and a semi-pro futbol player so that’s pretty spicy. Except that his occupation is banker. So clearly he wasn’t that good at footie. He probably just plays on a co-ed club team.

Kamil, 30

Kamil

Gotta rep my fellow upstate NY’ers (except for James) even though “social media participant” isn’t a career and if it was, I wouldn’t be unemployed right now…or ever. Kamil is from Poland and “dabbles in modeling.” I make my friends take pictures of me every weekend so I guess you could so I also dabble in modeling. Kammy and I have a ton in common and I’m pulling for him.

Colton, 26

Colton

Colton is dazzling but he’s probably not the winner. He’s another one of those former pro football players, forced to quit due to injury who is now dedicated to his charity work and loves spending time with his family. Sounds like the perfect man, but might be a little too young for the Beccster.

Alex, 31

Alex

Alex is the man Becca deserves according to my opinion alone. He’s a little older, a construction manager, loves his dog and listening to country music on his boat. Plus look at that cute smile. Alex & Becca 4eVeR.

As always, if I’ve chosen the one who gets kicked off the first night or turns out to be a crazy person I cannot be held liable as THEY GIVE US NO INFORMATION TO MAKE THESE PREDICTIONS OFF OF. Peep the full bios HERE and LET’S. DO. THE. DAMN. THING.

 

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