Weekly JUice

Week of 7/6/15

1. The Royal Family is adorbs city. We’ve got some new pics from little nugget Charlotte’s christening and I’m not kidding when I say that these two kids are the cutest little smushes that side of the pond. Frame this, screenshot it, whatever…it’s the rarest of things to ever see me talk about a child, let alone admit that it’s cute. I stand by this statement though.

2. J.Law goes all Cher. Zany Jennifer Lawrence everybody’s goofy celeb favorite is back in the press for promoting the final(?) Hunger Games and she’s obviously acting like a real goober. Here’s her busting out into a little Cher with her HAWT BFFs/Costars on Conan.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRwjr8AxoRY

3. Harry Styles fell onstage. I’m putting this in the mix because falling, much like farting, WILL ALWAYS BE FUNNY. Call me immature (I obviously am) but a good tumble will always put a smile on my face. So much so, in fact, that I had a SUUUUPER embarrassing fall up the steps coming from the train this past winter while wearing a skirt and tights and uggs (Uggs are the silent killer…seriously they should put a warning on those bad boys that they’re trip hazard city when you buy them) anyway back to my cringeworthy fall, I tripped over my Uggs on one step then tried to catch myself and tripped again and basically ended up crawling up the rest of the steps because my legs were like we’ve forgotten how to function please pick up the slack here. There were probably one trillion witnesses behind me but I pulled it together and never looked back. However, every time I think of that fall I laugh out loud. So long story short, I feel you, Harry. The fall that leads to an even bigger fall is the real deal. Now let me make fun of you.

4. Kristin “STE-VHENNNN” Cavallari is having a girl. Kristin and Jay Cutler are on their third kid and this piece of juice is really just for my ‘Guna shippers because did we EVER predict that the black choker wearin’, “my car is DUNZO” shoutin’, Cabo pole dancin’ sloot from Laguna would be the organic obsessed mommy that she is today? Like this is completely a shock, right? Anyway, she’s cranking out a girl this time which I’m guessing she’s probably pretty excited for after two boys but also she’s going to have 3 kids under the age of 4 and that sounds like a NIGHTMARE. Congrats, though girlfraaan.

5. Fox casts Danny Zuko for Grease LIVE!

Julianne Hough has already been cast for Sandy and now they’ve announced our Danny will be Aaron Tveit and I’m honestly not quite so sure how I feel about it. John Travolta was a real hunk as Danny Zuko…like probably my first crush, which is super mortifying to admit now that he’s got scary face but he could get it when he was in that leather jacket. I’ll need some convincing with this guy and also I will probably never ever watch this program because musicals suck unless they include Zac Efron singing about whether he should choose basketball or acting. Life is so hard, especially when you have to break into song randomly.

BONUS: Because I love Amy Schumer a whole lot and can’t wait to see Trainwreck…Here’s John Hamm pretending to be Bill Hader and the two of them just acting like a couple of assholes in an interview.

JUice

Weekly JUice

1. The Bieber Roast was surprisingly entertaining. Look, we all hate Justin Bieber and know that this was an aggress PR move so that he can try to salvage his career after being a real d-bag for 3 years now. I went into the roast expecting it to be Biebz being obnoxious and a bunch of comedians who were paid to be there and didn’t want to be. It turned out to be pretty good, mostly because the comedians/mish mash of characters that showed up didn’t even spend that much time roasting Bieber and giving him the attention he so clearly needs, they roasted each other waaayyyy better. Overall winners are definitely Natasha Leggero who crushed it and Hanibal Burress–this is also obviously biased because they’re the two that very clearly showed they hated Bieber. I always respect the hell out of comedians who are told they have to say something nice at the end of their roast and literally struggle to fake it. I’m pretty sure Natasha just told Biebs that things will probably get better. Hannibal said Biebs seemed like a sharp business man. If you didn’t catch it Monday night, I recommend it for some laughs, I also recommend that you skip the last 10 minutes when Bieber takes the time to thank God and beg for forgiveness. Yuck. Get outta here. Bonus Points: Shaq literally picking Kevin Hart up and spanking him like a small child. Easily the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen and yet the internet couldn’t make it into a gif. Pretty selfish.

2. Week three of Zayn spitting in the face of 1D fans. His new solo song was released and now the heat IS ON.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YULGc9Gmog

C’mon Zayn, cut it out. For Harry. (PS the song sucks.)

3. Hova banded all of the billionaire musicians together to create Tidal, a music listening service where rich singers get more money for you to listen to their music. This week they made a big deal on social media, changing their avatars to a blue square and talking about equality for all artists and then they held a huge press conference with all of the superstars to say, please start emptying your pockets for our music, commoners. No disrespect (cause Illuminati) but there is NO way I would start paying a monthly fee to listen to music. I think paying over $100 for a concert ticket in the nose bleeds is criminal enough as it is. But what do I know, I’m obviously not the genius who put a helmet on, added plates for mouse ears and started cashing in on beatz.

4. LUDA is back in my life. He’s doing press for Furious 7 and his new album LUDAversal and damnit I missed him. Remember the disgusting song Fantasy that was about lickin? I do, because Cin and I just jammed to it road trip style with rapper hands. Good news is that he did an acoustic version with the Roots this week. BACK SEAT, WINDOWS UP.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sf3cDS0uN6M

5. Paul Walker’s brother, Cody looks like this.

Have a good Easter weekend thinking of those baby blues.

JUice

Weekly JUice

1. Zayn is going solo, 1D fans mourn him as if he’s dead, Harry cries, Zayn cries, everyone hates Simon Cowell.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIJoSiNEIoM

So I reported last week that Zayn peaced out on the tour and there was speculation that he was taking a quick vacay to rehab, but this week he released a statement that he was officially leaving 1D to live a normal life as a 22 year old out of the spotlight. Obviously tweens around the world were on suicide watch, the remaining 1D members had to be like hey we’re still doing this thing so everyone CTFD and then today Zayn basically told everyone he’s going solo. Hey bruh, be more of a doucher. He’s obviously pulling the “I was doing something and my heart wasn’t in it, I hope you all want me to be happy” card but like going to the studio the very next day? Harsh. It wasn’t too long ago that he was telling me over a spaghetti dinner “But there’s nothing to be afraid of, Even when the night changes, It will never change me and you.” Well guess what, Zayn? IT DID CHANGE.

2. Entourage full trailer dropped and it has a bazillion celebs in it. I never watched Entourage really, I’ve seen a few episodes here and there but I’ll probably go see this movie because I like celebs and they’re all in it.

3. Super Troopers 2 comin atcha. Someone started a crowd funding page for the sequel of Super Troopers because here in America we don’t pay for stuff, we set up a website for other people to pay for our stuff and guess what?! It raised $2 Mill in like a day. All original troopers will be back which obviously means more Farva, who could probably have his own sequel. Whose excited for this? Say Car RamRod.

4. The Yankees do a scene from The Sandlot, and leave ARod out of it. Even though Jeets isn’t in this I can always appreciate a nice Sandlot reference, because it quite literally never gets old. Yanks are clearly trying to drum up some positive press since all they probably hear about is how they let ARod come back and everyone on earth hates him. I can’t embed the video, so click below for the link.

Yankees Re-Create Sandlot

Brian McCann CRUSHED it as Hamilton Porter. Brett Gardner has a REAL weird head.

Also this just made me want to watch The Sandlot again. Benny the Jet ❤

5.Taylor Swift goes to a Kenny Chesney concert in Nashville, gets invited onstage for a duet and looks like this:

I’m probably going to look just like this when I run to the grocery store this weekend, so whateva.

JUice

Weekly JUice

1. Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds named their probably gorgeous daughter JAMES. WUT. Seriously, the amount that they annoyingly kept this name a secret until Ryan was finally hammered to death with name questions and finally he was like ITS JAMES, DAMNIT. I wish I never found out. It’s so Hollywood and I don’t want them to be Hollywood. Here’s hoping she goes by Jamie and we never have to think about this again. You let me down guys, but you’re still super attractive and cool so s’okay…I’ll let it slide. PS: James Reynolds sounds like an old British man who smokes cigars while wearing a houndstooth jacket. HOW DO PEOPLE NOT THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS WHILE NAMING THEIR CHILDREN?

2. Miles Teller has lickable abs. Cutie pie Miles Teller revealed this before and after shot on Jimmy Fallon to show how he’s preparing for his role as a famous wrestler or something. I don’t remember because once I saw these abs I lost control of my brain activity. Don’t look at the stache, just focus on chin, down. Gratuitous Friday drool sesh. Happy Spring indeed.

miles-teller-800

3. Eva Mendes says sweatpants=single 4 lyfe. Apparently Eva Mendes named sweatpants as the number one cause of divorce. It’s not difficult to surmise why I think Eva is a turd…could just be a little bit of the green eyed monster of BITCH MADE A BABY WITH THE MOST PERFECT MAN IN AMERICA. First of all, yoga pants are classified as sweatpants and they make girls asses look phenomenal. So we can cut the shit with the sweatpants shaming. Second of all, do you think she’s literally doing everything she can to hang on to Ry Gos? I mean, look at him… Girl probably wore sweats one time (right after she gave birth to their future model child with an actual female name) and he was like meh and so now she spearheads the no sweatpants unless you wanna get yo ass left campaign.

UPDATE: All that is Holy, RyGos tweeted about this story…he’s pro-sweats so everyone CTFD.

Obviously sweatpants thing was a joke. Wearing them now. That's right, tweeting in sweatpants. Rats! Said too much! You win again Twitter.

— Ryan Gosling (@RyanGosling) March 20, 2015

Word to the wise. Don't joke about sweatpants or North Korea. Real hot button issues. Trust me.

— Ryan Gosling (@RyanGosling) March 20, 2015

4. Zayn Malik leaves One Direction. Dramz going down on the 1D international tour as Zayn has peaced out and there are rumors swirling that he’s cheating on his fiance or hitting up rehab. I tapped into the world of 13 year olds (not that difficult considering I basically am one) for this piece of juice. I will give it to those 1Directioners though, kid’s dreamy. He’s no Harry..but still…

Anyway the only rehab I hope that he’s considering is one for wearing these TERRIBLE headbands to hold back his luscious locks. No seriously, even when these were in style in roughly 1998 I hated them because they basically punctured my cranium. Never forget.

5. Kelly Clarkson rips a Tracy Chapman cover like nobody’s biz. KClark making a comeback with a new album and reminding us why she’s the OG of American Idol when she wails out this cover of Give Me One Reason.

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Weekly JUice

Weekly JUice

Weekly JUice

Weekly JUice