Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Stop the World (And Let Me Off)”

NASHVILLE - "Stop the World (And Let Me Off)" - Rayna pushes back on Layla's romantic relationship with Jeff, and Markus pushes back on his producer, Avery - which does not go well. Maddie joins Colt on Luke's tour, giving the teens opportunities for more freedom than Maddie can handle. She turns to Juliette for advice and shocks Luke with the results. Meanwhile, Deacon and Scarlett head to Natchez despite their falling-out, and Gunnar enlists Kevin and Will's help as "wingmen" in an effort to pick up a new woman, on "Nashville," WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 21 (10:00-11:00 p.m., ET) on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Mark Levine) CHARLES ESTEN, CLARE BOWEN

Last week Juliette asked a probably unlicensed doctor to show up at her hotel room and shoot her up with illegal drugs and as you might have predicted, she comes to looking like a bag of assholes. Apparently looking at her roughsicle face in the mirror is enough of a scare tactic to whip her back into shape as she flushes more drugs and lets her husband know what her new number is. Of course she sends a little texty-text around the same time that Avery is finally signing those divorce papers. Unrelated side note: Hey Avery, you’re a single dad…maybe time to do away with the college dorm poster of DMB on the bedroom wall. Anyway, Juliette also calls Emily and leaves a monotone shitty apology on her voicemail. Neither of them responds to her outreach so naturally Juliette assumes her phone is broken, a logical conclusion from a really terrible human being. Also I would like to add that the only scene Cadence is in tonight, she is wailing at an ear shattering level. I’m sorry, that was far too kind of me, my actual note from the episode read, “IN BREAKING NEWS, CADENCE IS F***KING CRYING!” I find that my note in the moment more properly portrays that this baby is the worst one on this planet.

Something that actually entertained me on this show—I know, it’s been awhile since I’ve been able to truthfully admit that—was the return of the Maddie & Colt saga. Their once incestual teenage love has survived an almost marriage of their parents, Deacon walking in on them canoodling and now they’re forced to go through the toughest obstacle of all, Colt’s shitty hair. It’s like, I understand what Colt is trying to do with his long, messy locks, but then at the same time I’m angered by the way he clearly tried to copy Tim Riggin’s sex hair and yet failed so miserably. Ugh, I could seriously puke over his hair all day but I guess it’s important to note that Maddie must actually be turned on by his hair identity crisis—maybe it’s the absence of his usual backward hat? —Anyway the two of them jet off to catch a Luke Wheeler show and sneak some sex times. Luke leaves these two horndogs alone for like 2 seconds and Maddie pounces on Colt just to be like LETS NOT RUSH THINGS.

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In her time of need, as most young girls usually do, Maddie thinks, WWJD, and turns to someone who makes nothing but the best decisions in her life, Juliette, of course. Juliette shows her how to cut loose by doing some lines in her dressing room, JK she invites Maddie onstage for a duet of Telescope. They’ve got kind of a Pistol Annie’s vibe and I’m diggin it but Rayna obv will not. Even better, while Luke is onstage performing the hell out of Will & Kevin’s song (that they can’t sing themselves because they’re gay), lil Maddie and lil Colt are knocking boots in his trailer. ROMANCE ISN’T DEAD. Luke disciplines Maddie by sending her on a private flight straight home but he’s a day late and a hymen short. Luke also punishes Juliette with a cold, hard truth bomb, “Don’t go trying to play cool mom with somebody else’s kid just because you’ve abandoned your own.” OHHH SHIIIIIIITTTTT. SUCK IT, JULIETTTTTEEEEEEE. PS I also loved it a lot when Luke was clearly trying to be the cool dad and took a selfie with the kids “to show how much fun we’re having.” I didn’t know that Luke was a 14 year old at a slumber party trying to social media shame anyone who wasn’t invited, but it was laugh out loud funny.

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Much less interesting than losing one’s virginity in the back of a tour bus voluntarily, is the fact that Gunnar is the saddest excuse for a man ever in TV history. He claims he felt a spark with Emily when they both grabbed for the milk that morning and the gays are like SOS we need to get you laid on this road trip. They try to hook him up with a roadie on the Wheels Up tour and Gunnar has a mouth stroke where the words “I’m not gay but it’s ok if you are” come out several times in some form or the other. The girl scampers away because she was probably drier than the Sahara just from being near to Gunnar and his lame wad ways. They run into each other again later where he stupidly dribbles, “pretty girls make me nervous” like the kid in class who always licked the glue stick. Needless to say this didn’t make her hot and bothered but for whatever reason, Juliette fires her and suddenly she’s horny for Gunnar. They fornicate in the backseat on the trip back to Nashville. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I welcome the return of Micah if it means we no longer have to put up with this shell of a character. I don’t know if you realize the severity of the statement I just made. MICAH WAS THE WORST. AND I WOULD PREFER TO HAVE HIM BACK. OVER GUNNAR CIRCLING THE DRAIN IN THE TOILET THAT IS HIS LOVE LIFE.

Ok, we got worked up there; let’s bring it back down with Deacon and Scarlett fi-nuh-ley making amends. They’re packing up Bev’s house together and Scarlett finally grows a backbone to tell Deacon to stop being such a dick. Also she gets drunk, which is stupid and does nothing for their reunion, obviously because Deacon is a sauce monster. Double also, there are two too many creepy hologram quality flashbacks of Bev. DIE AWAY FROM US, BEV. SERIOUSLY. DON’T EVER SHOW YOUR FACE ON NASHVILLE OR ABC EVER AGAIN.

Someone else who has been getting a surprising amount of face time lately for having two leading roles on primetime shows is Jeff Fordham. He’s still suspiciously playing boyfriend of the year to Layla, and now that they swapped spit in public, everyone has found out, including Mama Bear Rayna who does NOT approve. Rayna has Layla over to her in-home recording studio to tell her that Jeff is terrible and dating him is a poor life choice. They bicker over music and porking partner preferences before Layla comes to her senses and confesses that she still loves Jeff even though he treats her like poop stuck to the bottom of his shoe. Rayna’s all, there’s your hit song, girlfraaannnnn! And so she writes another kind of snoozey song while Jeff vies for a new job with that character whose name I never learned who is trying to turn Luke into the next Jay-Z. Pishh. Unfortunately this character is very strongly against mixing business with pleasure (I mean she won’t even let Luke throw it in her) so she’s less than welcoming to Jeff and his incessant need to always find pleasure in his business, if you know what I mean.

My great hope for Hottie McRocker Marcus in being a fabulous new love interest is kind of lost this week when Marcus joins the lineup of horrific people in Nashville. He shows up to his first day with Avery late then prefers to entertain rather than do his job. Avery takes the lull as an opportunity to call everyone in his phonebook and wah-wah over Juliette. Mood swing Marcus isn’t into this phone tree and has a meltdown, compares Avery to a teenage girl texting for their whole session and then promptly fires him. I’m like 90% sure that this is Marcus’s last episode so chances are he’ll go quietly into the Highway 65 grave but Avery does not handle the firing well. He sticks his fingers in his ears and stomps his feet and throws a full-on Cadence-level tantrum for Emily about how he’s a big, smelly loser. While Avery is knocking shit over and crying about his life, Juliette is finally realizing that she needs him back. Thank GAWD when they finally meet Avery sacks up and tells her it’s too late and he’s filed for divorce and will be requesting full custody of Cadence. Why? Save your ears. I should be saving my eyes from this show, but I’m not one to quit mid-series so easily. Either way, the dumpster fire that is Juliette’s life will likely (fingers crossed…it’s been an eternity) explode next week and one can only hope that the story lines will improve from there.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Til The Pain Outweighs the Shame”

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Last night’s episode should have been called “How Rayna Got Her Groove Back.” It starts out somewhat dreary when Deacon would rather hang out with a half-conscious Bev than bang, bang, bangity bang his fiancé and then a random old man we’ve never heard of before drops out of Highway 65. But Rayna does not fret over the silver cowboy; it just gives her motivation to harness that hair full of secrets and sign a new piece of man meat.

Meanwhile, Juliette’s next tour stop is Nashville and obviously that means she has to see that family she pretends to have. Avery drops in at the house (baby in tow) only to find Juliette amidst a full-blown high school rager. His entrance is about as welcome as the Manlius cops breaking up a low-key game of beer pong with taser guns. (I clearly grew up on the rough side of the tracks.) Anyway Juliette kicks everyone out then tries to tell Avery that she loves him and the **deep swallow to mask her disgust** child. She manages to hold it without throwing things or screaming then puts it down for sleepy times so she can smooch Avery and pretend nothing even happened.

I wish nothing even happened between Garlett (work in progress) because their awksies is getting real annoying. They have a photo shoot where they stand on opposite sides of the room and radiate uncomfies. The only bright side is that Scarlett wears a boobalicious black gown instead of the typical castaways from Mary Kate Olsen’s closet that she usually wraps herself in like a wandering bird lady.

Unfortunately she quickly covers the beautiful fitted dress with a drapey, baggy sweater to kick it in the hospital with Bev, who is now alert and speaking. Her daughter and bro are overwhelmed with joy while Rayna can’t even hide the look of panic in her eyes when she sees that Bev has clawed back from the grave to take the fame that she deserves. Bev takes these fleeting moments of life to show that her head injury buzz cut has humbled her and she doles out advice about Scarlett’s dating life and apologizes for being a dirt bag mom.

Deacon still won’t leave Bev’s side so Rayna goes to the girl’s talent show by herself and as the Little Conrad’s sing a tribute to their fave band “Boulevard”, Mamma Ray is like that’s cute girls, I’m going to cash in on your favorite band breaking up by poaching the lead singer to save Highway 65. And she heads off to do just that, on a commercial flight to NYC.

Poor, sad, Avery just wants his family back and can’t see that his trainwreck of a wife is using him and whats-her-name for red carpet publicity. The infant screams through Juliette’s entire performance—which is pretty snotty because the song is actually a good one. Not everyone can be as talented as The Wiggles, so Cadence should stop being such a pretentious music snob. Ever the closeted post-partum sufferer, Juliette keeps it together onstage even though I probably would’ve dropkicked the child who dared to offer back-up wails without approval. Juliette tries to prove she can mom so hard by changing the diaper backstage in her sparkly getup. Unfortunately Cadence had a real dumpfest in her diaper and pretty much drove her mom to run away and throw out her cell phone. Maybe she should lay off of the strained peas if she wanted to keep a mother. But in all seriousness, can somebody put this baby to bed?! No wonder it won’t shut the F up, it’s front row at a concert past it’s bedtime with a diaper full of shit. Anyway, Juliette’s mama bear act is OVAH just as quickly as she can charter a private jet and get a new number.

In exciting new man meat news, Rayna just about clinches the deal with Markus Keen AKA Riley Smith AKA hottie from Disney Channel Original Movie Motocrossed. She becomes every traveler’s worst nightmare yapping for an entire flight but pretty rockstar doesn’t seem to mind because Rayna is flipping her hair and batting her eyelashes to get him to sign country and revive her dying label. Bucky informs her that Keen’s lawyers want millions and full creative control and Rayna tells him to make that deal. Girl may have her groove back but those could be her famous last words. I guess boss bitch Rayna makes Deacon horny because he finally lays it on her when she gets home and promises to stay the night instead of just hitting and quitting like he’s been doing. OBVIOUSLY in that moment Bev’s heart rate decides to take another nosedive and Deacon’s definitely not going to blame sex with Rayna for that or anything. Also not for nothing ya’ll, but it’s time to off Bev. Chase that white light, gurl, you’ve served your greater purpose in saving a beloved character that should’ve never been in danger. Deuces.

Other Things That Happened That Don’t Deserve Complete Paragraphs:

-Some random music exec is the birdie in Luke’s ear all episode telling him to drop Will Lexington and his contagious gayness. According to her, Luke could be the next Jay-Z. Um, exsqueeze me, minor character, do not EVER compare Wheels Up to Hov. Dropping an openly gay artist does not a rap empire make. Also everyone knows there’s no Jay without Bey and if I recall correctly Luke lost his Bey to a guy with a shitty liver. Nice try, though.

-Daphne gets the bitchy bathroom gossip treatment while she’s hiding in the stall. Be more cliché, Nashville.

-Layla the invisible is neglected for an entire episode by everyone who’s paid to care about her and it’s actually hilarious. The only one who seems to care is Glen, who offers to be her manager. Remember Glen? Me neither, if there ever comes a day when I don’t confuse Bucky and Glen I will deserve a pat on the back.

-“It’s not like you guys are saving lives,” Hot doc serving a cold dish of I’m smarter than you to Gunnar and proving what we already suspected, he’s a dick and will be gone soon enough. Don’t get it twisted, Doc, music is more important than meddy-sin in Nashville.

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Playlist

Best of Nashville Playlist

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Nashville is back for season four tonight and rather than dwell on the terribly predictable and overplayed story lines we have ahead of us for another full season, I decided to focus on the best aspect of this show—the music. Here’s a collection of some of the top hits from Nashville seasons 1-3. Unfortunately I’m not a huge Rayna James fan, sorry let me re-phrase, I’m a huge fan of her hair and boss bitch qualities, I’m NOT a fan of her music, so you will not find much of it here.

1. Wrong Song-Connie Britton & Hayden Panettiere AKA Rayna James & Juliette Barnes. This sassy-Deacon-tell-off is the best thing Rayna and Juliette ever collab on. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that Deacon bagged them both, but this song exists as a friendly reminder that these two frenemies are also Eskimo sisters.

2. If I Didn’t Know Better-Sam Palladio & Clare Bowen AKA Gunnar Scott & Scarlett O’Connor. If I recall correctly, this was the first song that Gunnar ever got Scarlett up onstage for and from the moment they gazed into each other’s eyes, we knew we were about to get a boatload of sexual tension via open mic night. Forever my favorite singing duo on this show, I could listen to these two have breathy harmonies until the end of time.

3. I Ain’t Leavin’ Without Your Love- Sam Palladio, Chaley Rose & Jonathan Jackson AKA Gunnar, Avery & Zoey. This was the short-lived group project of “ZAG” before everyone was like why is Zoey even here? She sucks. Then Scarlett was like joke’s over guys I’m done being retired from music and swiftly took ole Zoey’s spot in the band and sent her packing to Oklahoma or something. Anywho, this song was Zoey’s best contribution to the show.

4. A Life That’s Good- Lennon & Maisy AKA Maddie & Daphne Conrad. There is another version of this song that has the happy yet quite dysfunctional fam of Rayna, Deacon and the girls but I’m partial to anything with just the two girls…they deserve all the stage time they can get with their knockout voices.

5. Don’t Put Dirt On My Grave Just Yet- Hayden Panettiere AKA Juliette. This is one of my favorite Nashville songs, not even because it’s supes catchy but also because it’s a big middle finger from Juliette. Jeff Fordham tries to make her publicly apologize at the Grand Ole Opry for saying God doesn’t exist and instead she slams down this song and it’s sassy and fabulous. Also she gets fired and blacklisted from all country music labels but that’s neither here nor there.

6. If I Drink This Beer- Will Chase AKA Luke Wheeler. Rayna gets involved with Wheels Up right quick after a disastrous Deacon fall-out and we all just wait for the other shoe to drop. Unfortunately they dragged it out for an entire season and she holds out until their wedding day to be like jk I’ve been in love with Deacs this whole time. Luke takes it really well—naht—he turns their wedding into a free concert and sings this sad song about getting drunk with a broken heart.

7. Borrow My Heart- Clare Bowen, Jonathan Jackson & Sam Palladio AKA Scarlett, Avery & Gunnar. This was performed as “SAG” because S booted the Z out and then once they realized they were a fire flames band, they decided to change their name to the Triple X’s. Much better. Probably not at all awkward that everyone on this show has banged each other and also sang about it.

8. Tell Me (Acoustic)- Audrey Peeples AKA Layla Grant. I’m a pretty avid Layla hater, mostly because she almost never sings then married a gay guy, then got together with the most hated character ever and thought he loved her but putting all fictional character judgments aside, she really crushes it on this one. No pageantry, just good vocals.

9. This Town- Claire Bowen & Charles Esten AKA Scarlett & Deacon Claybourne. Scarlett and Uncle Deac, always the perfect pair of introverts both hate the whole Hollywood aspect of being a musician and feel like they don’t belong so they wah-wah about it in this great piano tune.

10. Heart On Fire- Lennon & Maisy Stella AKA Maddie & Daphne. When these two cherubs are singing it makes it very easy to forget how insufferable Maddie actually is in her angsty teen years. I believe this number is from the episode when Jeff “the creep” Fordham strikes a blackmail deal with Teddy to get Maddie signed to his label so he could profit off of her melodies and box out little Daphne. This song should stand as proof that the dream team should never be separated.

11. What If I Was Willing- Chris Carmack AKA Will Lexington. This is a country HIT from ya closeted boy, Will. One of his first songs and a sure banger, things sort of went downhill for him, probably a side effect of hiding your sexuality on a reality show with your wife, but fingers crossed now that he’s out and dating a songwriter the hits will start flowing again.

12. Have A Little Faith- Maisy Stella & Will Chase AKA Daphne & Luke. This one is included because it tugged at my heartstrings. Ever the dramatic Maddie leaves a benefit the two of them are supposed to perform at to be with HER REAL DAD, DEACON. Little Daphz is like it’s cool I’ll just hang out by myself while you two kick it with your real family and Teddy does something genuinely nice and asks Luke to bring Daphne up onstage for this adorbz duet. Also she’s like 11…that voice…damn gurl.

13. Fade Into You- Sam Palladio & Clare Bowen AKA Scarlett & Gunnar. It seemed fitting to end with another golden duet hit. We’re about to be four seasons in and these two are still not quite done with fading into each other (if ya know what I mean) so this song will forever be relevant.

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