The Bachelorette- Bearded Bros Tell Nothing

In the spirit of doing whatever it takes to fill two hours, the program starts off with a preview (possibly an entire episode?) of Bachelor in Paradise followed by a recap of what happened this season. Hey, we’ve been watching this show for far too many weeks, WE GOT IT. No need for a highlight reel. Know what else there’s no need for? Every guy who ever sniffed at Kaitlyn this season. Not only do we have the frontrunners who made it until the end (the only ones who really matter) ABC has also given the assholes another shot at their fifteen minutes of fame. Like Ian, who has stayed humble and hungry. And Ryan M. who has stayed creepy and apparently also styled his hair in what should forever be known as toupee chic. Let’s not forget about Kupah either, who will willingly throw his two cents in about things that happened AFTER he was kicked off that just enraged him.

Check that hair though.

But before all that, Tanner the gossip queen takes the floor and the first shots at Ian. His gripe is that it was really mean when Ian called them all lames. Yeah they made fart jokes but they ALSO had deep convos, so HA. Tanner demands that Ian apologize to Kaitlyn and then Corey…oh, who is that you ask? Let me remind you…

The dad apparently feels a need to seize these precious last moments in front of a camera and delivers this zinger, “I don’t think that she took the responsibility of being the bachelorette the best that she could.” To be clear, no one asked him. Ian responds to all of this by taking his jacket off and getting down on bended knee in front of the glaring bros to say he regrets what he said, how he left and apologizes to the guys, everyone who was offended and his mother for being a real dick on national television, because that’s just not who he is. HE’S A MODEL WHO DEFIED DEATH AND HAS BEEN AROUND THE WORLD A FEW TIMES, DAMNIT. JK he lays it on thick and the contesticles eat that shit right up giving him the classic handshake, clap on the back for his clearly souped up apology. Cut to Chris Harrison, the one man show going HA-HA you just never know what you’re gonna get, folks as he flashes his gleaming white smile and points a finger gun. STAY TUNED FOR THE GAY RELATIONSHIP WE FABRICATED WITH EDITING….Up NEXT.

Corey is first to comment on the Clay-J sitch, because his opinion is vital to my life. He’s mad at Clint for being arrogant and making everyone feel alienated. Clint sets the record straight, if you know what I mean. Apparently, JJ just reminded him of a friend back home so that’s why they liked to play tummy sticks. JJ hops in and uses a lot of air quotes when describing the “bromance” but when Chris Harrison calls him out for using the quotes, JJ fires back with maybe if this show didn’t splice clips together and use romantic music and taglines turning my friendship into a gay porn, there wouldn’t be a need for them. I may be paraphrasing there. He might’ve just said “You tell me, Chris.” I was ready to be all Team JJ until he said this, “We’re intellectually curious about each other. There was a lot of meat to that for me.” Nope, you’re now playing into Clay-J and therefore I’m firmly Team When Will This Show End. Later on in the hot seat, JJ tells C.Harrison that he really “blew it” his last night with Clint and the peanut gallery of bros erupts into laughter. You can’t even script this shit. Just kidding–you can–and they did.

Benzy comes in to take things down a notch or 100 when we relive the story of how his mom died and talk about how he had his walls up. But don’t worry, he’s come out with a positive outlook and learned from his journey that you can open up about all your feels. Don’t cry because it’s over, Benzy, smile because it happened. JK he still hasn’t cried, maybe someday those babe soda tears will roll down his brooding face. Chris rubs his hands together in anticipation as he says, there’s nothing wrong with a good cry. LET IT OUT. I assume C. Harrison is about to play the beginning montage from the movie Up before producers are like ok, enough we need to move on, man tears or not.

Chris basically invited Jared onstage to force words into that poorly goatee’d mouth of his. C. Harrison’s line of questioning includes, Did you think you were the odd man out in that rose ceremony? But you loved the girl, right? But like when you watch it back you probably get more confused about why you were sent home right? Jared keeps it diplomatic and just repeats that he’s thankful for his journey and he listens to “Linger” on repeat via his walkman while he sobs in his room all day erreday.

Sweet, sweet boring buttercup Ben H. walks to the stage and there’s not a dry seat in the house judging by the screeches and howls from the all-ladiez crowd. Ben is a perfect gentleman as he obviously is vying for the Bachelor slot and will probably win it according to audience reactions. Snooze. Finally, we get some BTS deets on the infamous off camera visit. Ben and Shawn were roomies in San Antonio, Shawn got a king bed and Ben got a cot, ’cause Shawn’s abs. Kaitlyn put an invisibility cloak on and snuck into their room where the threesome spent 3 hours talking about life, Kaitlyn and Shawn in the King and Ben essentially on the ground…a foreshadowing. But then, Ben had to shower and womp womp, the rest is history. All it took was those extra two minutes while Ben was conditioning for Kaitlyn to tell Shawn he was the one and seal his fate. Ben probably curses his shiny hair to this day.

Finally our turtledove-in-waiting steps into the hot seat for a little popcorn reading of her hate tweets ever since she had sex on TV. Oh shit, sorry I didn’t mean to give out any spoilers guys, did you hear that Kaitlyn had sex on TV and it’s controversial only because it happened before fantasy suites? Anyway, they read some tweets from people who hate themselves but don’t give out their names which is kind of counter-productive. If we’re going to shame people for being terrible humans, midas whale give out their very public Twitter handle so the internet can bully them for being bullies. That’s how it works, right? Seems like a missed opportunity. Anyway after some tears and golden reaction shots from the audience about fat unemployed people who tweet death threats from their mom’s basement, it’s time for the guys to settle up with Kaitlyn.

It goes something like this: Kaitlyn talks to Jared and tells him he’s great. Then Kaitlyn talks to Ben H. and tells him he looks great. Everything is SO great. I’m about to doze off in my bowl of ice cream when suddenly, fiery Kaitlyn makes an appearance and I’m ALL IN. Jonathan…this guy:

tells Kaitlyn it hurt his feelings when she brought Nick on board after looking 25 guys in the eye and saying her husband was in that room the first night. Kaitlyn doesn’t miss a beat and is all I’mma let you finish but didn’t you vote for Britt?

Corey wants to add something about Nick as well and I literally wish everyone would just look at him and say in unison,

Ryan M. gets to take his horned up toupee head and march down to Kaitlyn to give her the rose that he spiked off of the ground when he was kicked off for being a drunk asshole who slapped her ass and yelled about raping people. Ah, what a joy it is to have him back on my TV. Ian also does a 2.0 of his knee level apology, except whoopsie he gets a leg cramp and immediately has to stand up. It’s probably a residual injury from his near death experience but I’m surprised he doesn’t tell us. Either way, Kaitlyn responds to both of these morons with

Last and certainly least, we get a blooper reel of Kaitlyn screeching about birds and the only thing that saves it: more Amy Schumer shitting on JJ. How they ever cut any of her material from this turd of a season is beyond me. Afterward, Joe puts on a bird mask and runs at Kaitlyn who promptly screams and runs then is like well the joke’s on you I’m actually afraid of the flapping noise. Ok, then why did you just shit your pants at a grown man with a bird mask on? Smooth.

So all that happened and yet we DIDN’T get what we truly deserved and that’s obviously Cupcake addressing the Niagara Falls and hiccups that came roaring from his precious Ken doll face while he leaned over the Cliffs of Moher, hoping someone would give him a soft push.

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And finally, I really could’ve used an awkward Brady and Britt reunion post-breakup after they dated for a week and wore matching beanies to the beach and talked about how they were soul mates who were together to fill that awkward gap while the credits rolled.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- SLEEPOVER PARTY!!!

I missed the first 10 minutes of last night’s episode because I had after work adult beverages and then made the executive decision to go grocery shopping while buzzed. It was not a decision I recommend anyone else make. I ran over my own foot with the grocery cart and bought a frozen pizza that I later burnt my tongue on. Needless to say it’s for the best that I don’t drink on school nights. I arrived back home just in the nick of time to catch Ben wearing the SHIT out of a cream Irish knit sweater. Yum. Anyway, Ben and Kaitlyn are exploring the majestic Irish countryside because it seems that production has made some travel budget cuts this year and the cast is stranded in Ireland until they can save up enough to fly coach to their next location. Ben tells Kaitlyn about how he just turned 26 on the show, in a way someone brings up their birthday to make the other person feel shitty for not knowing. Kaitlyn is 30 so like rawr, cougar status. But Ben is all, age is just a number, it doesn’t make one bit of a difference, which is something that someone who is much younger can say, because they still have their youth and nothing to be bitter about. Ben is invited to stay the night in the fantasy castle suite and immediately issues a castle-wide boner kill when he gleefully shouts “best.sleepover.ever.” as visions of braiding each other’s hair and sneaking an R rated movie dance around his head.

I’m assuming that’s what they do as Kaitlyn reveals in the morning that she only got a half hour of sleep, you know, cause they were pullin pullin pullin an all-nighter. Ben’s best sleepover ever couldn’t be complete without him borrowing a pair of Kaitlyn’s capri sweats for the walk of shame, shame being the key word here. All I’m thinking is…

Hey guys, remember Shawn, my former favorite who doesn’t know what show he’s on? Kaitlyn gifts him with a hot pink polo because they will be golfing for their date. Kaitlyn’s efforts to make him look like a loser fail horribly because Shawn can pull off ANY color and look fabulous. Unfortunately he quickly ruins my drool sesh by using golf as a shitty metaphor for love. He muses, “Golf is like love because the goal is to get a hole in one”….or something along those lines. Since they both suck at golf, the day quickly spirals to a game of Truth or Dare because I guess this week’s theme is middle school. Shawn picks dare because, duh and he’s dared to strip down and golf in the nude. He takes off his pants to reveal he’s wearing as he called them “compression leggings” and as America calls them, long johns. Shawn leaves his socks on because he’s a gentleman, and there IS a strict golf course dress code. The point being, Shawn gets a SIZEABLE black box. Amirite, ladies? Bless your dirty birdie soul, Kaitlyn.

Later at dinner, Kaitlyn brings up why the hell Shawn always gets his ankle-length undies in a twist over Nick. Shawn gets REAL fired up and compares Nick to a thirteen year old girl for spreading rumors. This leads to Kaitlyn giving Shawn the key to the fantasy suite, so that they can stay up all night and talk shit about Nick and maybe also prank call him. The morning after, Shawn struts out of the suite, right into Nick’s waiting clutches. “Oh sup, Shawn, fancy running into you here, can I steal you away for a minute?”-Nick asks. They sit down and shout words at each other. The end. I don’t want to watch one more minute of these two fighting like baby bitches and therefore refuse to recap it.

Kaitlyn puts on a sexy cleavage-baring red dress to sit down with Chris Harrison and talk boyz. Obviously this decision is going to be very DIFFICULT and PAINFUL, which is why after her intro rose speech, Kaitlyn needs a minute to properly wah. The decision is made that it will be Nick vs. Shawn in the bottom two, as if it could ever be any other way. Ben remains unlovable. JK. Call me, Ben ;). After Kaitlyn departs, they leave the remaining two locked in the room together with alcohol to see who makes it out alive. They both stuff their hands in their pockets and stare at the wall.

FINALLY the stay in Ireland is over and it’s off to Utah for both hometown visits. Wait. Did I hear that correctly? Yes. This show has shit on all traditions and instead brought the two families to meet Kaitlyn in the exotic locale of Utah. Nick is first and he blubbers to Kaitlyn that he loves her and apparently with Andi it would’ve been a leap of faith but this time he’s tote sure that this is it. Ok, Nick. Meanwhile, Nick’s TLC reality show sized family is assembled in a room crying together because they just learned that Nick has died a horrific death whoops, I mean they’re scared Nick’s going to get his heart stomped out on national TV again.

Kaitlyn meets Nick’s 100 siblings, vows to never remember any of their names again and announces that Nick has made it to the bottom two. Their reactions are an Oscar-worthy collective performance of YIIIIKES–he’s screwed! Things apparently go swimmingly enough after that because Nick and Kaitlyn do the “Carlton” in the middle of the family circle. WHAT? Nick’s sis Maria must have similar sentiments because she then takes Kaitlyn aside to ask WTF is going on here. Kaitlyn passes the test with flying colors then later tells a couch full of Nick’s brothers, “I’ve spent a lot of time with Nick and we really bonded.” They’re clearly picking up what she’s putting down, if you catch my drift. Finally, the smallest child in the Viall family, Bella comes in for the hard-hitting questions, to ask about Canada’s geography. Bella’s clearly not here for the right reasons.

Nick has a heart to heart with his mom where he reveals that Kaitlyn’s really good at making out. A suuuupes normal thing for a 34 year old to gab about with his mom. Then he reassures his worried mother that this time around is SO different than last year. Cause like last year Nick was so confident and this year he knows better. Then adds that he’s really confident and Kaitlyn definitely loves him. Lesson learned, Nicky V.

Next up is meeting the two Gods that created the slobberworthy specimen that is Shawn and his fellow genetic lottery winning siblings. Shawn has a lot of sisters and warns Kaitlyn that they’ll be tough and Kaitlyn is like no worries, sisters are my JAM. Well you know what’s NOT my jam? Shawn does NOT have an equally attractive brother for me. I’m so disappointed. Also fun fact: his sisters look NOTHING like him. Dark hair for days. Shawn talked a big game about how hard his sisters will judge and the minute they get one on one time with Kaitlyn they’re like love you to pieces, girlfran, welcome to the fam!!!! As the sisters act like putty in Kaitlyn’s hands, Papa Booth is like ok, Shawn, what’s the deal with all these shenanigans. Shawn is quick to tell dad, “well she told me I’m the one off camera soooo”…..BECAUSE WE WILL NEVER EVER HEAR THE END OF THAT. Like ever. In our final moments, Shawn and Kaitlyn cuddle up on the couch and Shawn bumbles on that he has something to tell her, he’s not falling in love with her…cause he’s IN love with her. GOOD ONE, SHAWN. You prankster, you. Then Kaitlyn goes outside to stare at the mountains and cry about picking just one.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- A Fantasy Pork in Cork

Saaarrryyyy this is a day late. I did that thing where I pretended the 4th of July went through Monday and had a tough time coming back to real life. Anyway, back to the not real life of Kaitlyn Bristowe. Did you guys know that she had sex? I wasn’t sure if you heard about it or anything but spoiler alert, Kaitlyn let someone enter her pre-fantasy suite and we’re never going to hear the end of it. I wonder what it’s like to have the whole world talking about your vagina because you banged someone you were dating? Mull it over while I talk about other things, but WE WILL RETURN TO THIS TOPIC. Why? Because this show won’t let it go.

“Let’s Make Today Unforgettable”- Ben

ABC rented an island for the day so that two adults could play hide and seek. Just kitten, Ben suggesting they play hide and seek was cute AF. That’s my kinda guy right there (immature.) Ben says the role of husband means being attracted to his wife. Kaitlyn says a husband is someone who won’t leave her when she gets annoying. Both valid points. Ben fears that he is unlovable. This is not an exaggeration; this is a literal dumb sentence that fell out of his open mouth. Shh, Ben just keep looking pretty. Kaitlyn is like that’s so great that you told me you think nobody loves you because I maybe, might, possibly could be thinking about falling in love with you. I’m guessing she’s a little gun shy after telling Shawn he was the one and having him poop himself about it. Ben says overnights are not about sex and he can’t wait to just talk all night. YIKES. Kaitlyn obviously assumes he’s a virg because he’d rather have a gab sesh slumber party. She asks him outright and he says, girl, please.

“Let’s Let Our Love Run Amuck”-Joe, Shawn, Nick

Say it with me now…

Shawn steals Kaitlyn to make up for lost time with his mouth. Then Kaitlyn asks Nick how he feels about the two of them having sex on TV before it’s ok to have sex on TV and he’s like I feel great, I don’t regret it at all and Kaitlyn is all yeah totally, me too, I was gonna say that…I just wanted to see what you were gonna say first. So apparently we’re all supposed to forget about the three weeks she cried and said it was a mistake or something.

Kaitlyn asks Joe if he’s ready marriage. He shows her he’s ready for it by coming at her face REAL quick with his eyes open for a smooch. (This will play out in my nightmares.) He then pours out all of his feels that he’s in love with her and will be frenching her until she’s 60. Slow your roll, Joe. Even though Joe’s shelf life was maximum another week, Kaitlyn gets all the uncomfies by him saying he loves her so she cuts him loose immediately. Joe handles it a WHOLE lot better than Cupcake. Instead of sobbing into a scarf and contemplating a hurdle to his death, he turns into a dick. He shakes off the sappies and tells Kaitlyn this was fun and when she tells him to stop acting tough he says, “nah it’s cool, no worries, man,” like his buddy just told him he accidentally drank his beer instead of totes getting his heart stomped on. It’s safe to say that I like Joe Cool 1000x better than the snoozefest we’ve seen this whole season. His bitter exit was the most entertaining thing to happen this episode.

After Joe skates out without allowing the cameras to capture his last thoughts, which probably would’ve been “it’s whatever…it was fun until it wasn’t,” Nick is sent back to the house and Shawn gets more date time. Kaitlyn word vomits up her sex confession and tells Shawn that her and Nick went too far. He wants to know why she’s telling him at all and I’d like to know why she’s only telling him…oh wait, because he’s clearly the ONE. Never mind, she did take-backsies on telling him that. Indian giver. Shawn excuses himself to go to the bathroom so he can try to flush himself down the toilet and escape this situation. Nick wah-wah’s that he didn’t get more time while Shawn softly weeps in the “Gents” room of a seafood restaurant. Finally Shawn decides to man up and accept that lispy got to plow Kaitlyn’s fields first (or at all.) Other things that happened: The phrase “forgone conclushion” comes out of Nick’s mouth roughly 4 times for no particular reason while he continues to blubber to the others about how Shawn’s getting time instead of him. Also Shawn only refers to Nick as “the other guy” and I feel like he could’ve come up with a more dig-tastic nickname than that.

Rose Ceremony:

There is no cocktail party because Kaitlyn already knows whom she’s going to ~~marry~~ date for a couple of months at this point and the rest is just for ratings and dissection of her sex life.

Shawn is called first and has decided to choose this moment during the rose ceremony to ask why she picked Nick to have sexual relations with when she KNOWS Shawn hates him. Alright Shawn, you’ve exhausted your possessive passes for this season. I can’t stand by this anymore. Obviously Kaitlyn thinks he doesn’t trust her. Go figure. He still accepts the rose. So do Ben & Nick and I have a glorious time bidding farewell to Jared because I never have to fight the very strong urge to punch him square in the face ever again.

Fantasy Suite with Nick (What’s the point?)

They go to a cathedral but instead of engaging in foreplay again, they talk about Nick’s parents meeting in church. Nick admits he’s not religious but felt really guilty “the first time he touched his privates” HIS PRIVATES. ICK. Ugh. Woof. Vomit. Other than sounding like a real perv and making me want to puke, I just wish that Nick would STOP USING WORDS THAT END IN S. He also says he has “insecurities.” (Double S’s)

In a creepy jail in Cork, Nick says he doesn’t like Shawn because he doesn’t respect guys “who say they’re Eskimo brothers with a country singer because they F’ed the same girl in the same night.” To be clear he shares this unprompted and pretty off topic, ok, narc. Smooth way to work that into the conversation. Also not for nothing but Shawn’s insta is full of pics with Thomas Rhett, so I’m using my investigative skills to assume that’s his Eskimo brother. Seems pretty bragworthy, jus sayin. Anywho, Kaitlyn is like ok thanks for sharing, let’s get right to the penetration. No mics during relations this time, because it’s acceptable to have sex in the fantasy suite but not before then. Remember? The next morning they share ham while barely dressed. Kaitlyn has some interesting morning hair but her full face of makeup makes me believe she did not wake up like this.

Shawn vs. Nick

Shawn rolls up on Nick and his toggle wool sweater and the two bro fight and say they hate each other. There is nothing noteworthy about this exchange, and yet still it needed to be continued. Until next week, when this argument probably ends with “F U, bruh.”

P.S. Brady and Britt are still together but Brady is going back to Nashville because he might have to work or go home at some point. Britt is still wearing a knit cap because this span of their relationship was all shot in one day. Ok. Thank you for the 30-second update, good luck with your “long distance” relationship.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- The Cliffs of No Moher Cupcake

We return to the couch of shame…Shawn asks Kaitlyn if she’s in love with him. Apparently he thinks it’s the Shawn show, and basically it is for me, but I guess other people might see this as a little egocentric. Shawn, bubby, baby, this is a scripted show and she has to give roses to other guys sometimes, otherwise your storyline would be demoted to the credits each week like Britt and Brady…because two people dating is not quality TV. Kaitlyn tells Shawnie to make a decision and he decides that they should mack it up on the couch. Good decision, Shawn. Bravo!

Meanwhile, Tanner, the town gossip and US Weekly’s #1 subscriber, talks shit with Nick about Shawn. Tanner rubs his palms together and cannot WAIT to see what happens when he pits Shawn and Nick against each other for his own entertainment, I cannot WAIT until Tanner gets eliminated without anyone really knowing who he is.

2 on 1 Date- JJ & Joe

I’m not going to lie to you all, I shamelessly anticipated this date with glee once I saw that she was taking the boys on a boat ride to a remote island, knowing that eventually one would be left there. Visions of the Badlands and Dum Dum Soules flying off in a helicopter, leaving Kardashley and Kelsey to throw sand at each other clouded my head. These thoughts were soon interrupted by the most snoooooozeworthy two on one date EVER. Joe the Slow tells Kaitlyn he’s falling in love with her and she’s one in a million and seals it with several passionate smooches. Kaitlyn is blown away, either by Joe’s feels or the gusty winds on the cliff they’re hanging out on, not sure which one.

“Today’s the biggest day of my recent life.”-JJ

JJ uses his time with Kaitlyn to bare his soul and confesses that he cheated on his wife three years ago BUT he’s learned his lesson because he lost everything and lives in his parents basement now. Let’s lay this out in clearer terms…JJ the douchenozzle former investment banker cheated on his wife when she had a newborn but he’s sars! Kaitlyn’s first response is that cheating is her worst fear in a relationship and we already know that JJ the slime ball will be thinking about what he did on those cliffs in just a few short moments. Kaitlyn sends JJ home to “be with his daughter” which is code for “I’d prefer not to marry someone who will be getting his rocks off elsewhere while my vagina is still healing from pushing out our child.” Kaitlyn tells Joe she needs more time to fall in love with him, aka JJ just bought Joe another week, tops. They continue the date while JJ continues to mourn the loss of Cliff and now Kaitlyn too.

Joe comes back and tells everyone his date was great and they “spent some time on the couch together.” Ok Nick 2.0, calm down. Joe confesses to his bros-in-waiting that he’s falling in love with her and everyone giggles and fans themselves and Shawn storms out like a drama King who can’t stop blabbering about how Kaitlyn told him off camera that he’s the one. Shawn rolls up to Kaitlyn’s hotel room AGAIN and she has a meltdown that he’s found out about her extracurriculars with Nick and while she’s hyperventilating Shawn is like “Sup?” To be clear, Shawn still has no idea that she allowed Nick to ‘trate her, he’s still whining about the fact that she told him that he was the one. Pretty boy still doesn’t understand how the show works and Kaitlyn has to reiterate that she will have multiple boyfs until the very last episode. I’m scared for Shawn finding out about Nick. Real scared (read: excited.) Kaitlyn says last week (off-camera) was a mistake because clearly now Shawn is clingy AF and she regrets reassuring him much more than she regrets her mic’ed up romp with Nick in Dublin.

Cocktail Party:

Kaitlyn starts off by making a speech about mistakes and obviously all of the insecure baby bitches immediately assume they are the mistake. Nick is like I don’t know if you guys noticed but I have a rose and I’m STILL really nervous. I think I speak for all of the contesticles when I say,STFU, Nick. Ben H. sits with Kaitlyn by the fire and tells her he’s super jelly belly about whatever it was that Kaitlyn said to Shawn when she snuck down to see the two of them and he regretfully had to take a shower. Seriously, Ben H.? You couldn’t have waited until she left to shower? I’m guessing Kaitlyn will never again ham it up without cameras…she cries her way out of this one, naturally. Side note: now that I watch UnREAL and basically know everything there is to know about filming this show, I know for a fact that there would always be someone on call with a camera so exactly how did this “several hours” of off camera bizz go down? Especially considering that she had sex with a mic pack on? HMMMM….seems suspicious.

Anyway, back to the cocktail party, Nick’s like hey remember how I was inside of you? We’re still Gucci, right? And Kaitlyn is like yeah as long as you don’t blab to everyone (like when you ratted Andi out), snitches get stitches. Nick tells Kaitlyn not to worry because he didn’t tell anyone it was intimate or special when that is literally EXACTLY what he told the bros-in-waiting the next morning. Then Nick cries but I don’t really know why. I guess he’s scared she’s going to chuck him when she finds out Shawn is better in bed? I don’t know. Go to speech therapy, Nick. Please. Especially if you’re going to make TV dating your career.

Shawn stares at the fire with a strong drink in his hand, swirling the dark liquor around as he recalls watching fireworks from a canoe with Kaitlyn wrapped warmly in his embrace. (See, Chris Harrison, I too, could write a romance novel.) He’s taking the broody girlfriend bit a little too far, if you ask me. Show us those washboard abs! Soap opera music soundtracks his chat with Kaitlyn where they both say they made mistakes and use a lot of clichés like bump in the road and taking a step back. I never thought I would say this but their time togets is beginning to get exhausting. There needs to be some lovin soon or I’m going to be forced to bring my Team Shawn flag to half mast in mourning.

Rose Ceremony:

Nick, Jared, Joe, Ben H., Cupcake, Shawn

BenZ (thank God we only have one Ben now) and Tanner are dunzo, Tanner will probably start a blog about the show and BenZ tries to convince us he can’t find a girlfriend. Also he mentions his dead mom again.

Road Trip with Jared

Kaitlyn sucks at driving, they took a bunch of selfies, kiss the blarney stone and I still want to punch Jared square in the dome.

C.Harrison interrupts our countdown to Cupcake’s tears by sitting down for some good ole fashioned real talk with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn confesses that she regrets every single thing that she’s done on and off camera, basically and Chris replies with “That’s good.” Interesting form of psychoanalysis there. He then suggests switching things up so that the guys who haven’t gotten bone time will have the opportunity to level the playing field (if you know what I mean) before hometown visits. Chris, you perv, you, telling Kaitlyn to get after it! I support this wholeheartedly.

Cupcake One on One @ Cliffs of Moher

Kaitlyn dons a sassy pony and takes Cupcake on a helicopter ride around Ireland and to the Cliffs of Moher. They talk about their futures and Kaitlyn keeps referring to this process as finding her “forever”, which I think is cute that she’s still thinking her final rose relationship will last more than a year, tops. Shit gets real, real quick when Cupcake goes all therapy on Kaitlyn, puts his face entirely too close to hers and asks how she’s doing. Kaitlyn cries and says, “This is the hardest thing for me in this moment.” A new rating scale for how hard things are, moment by moment. My mind is blown by just how hard things can be. In the end, Kaitlyn tells Chris she doesn’t see herself marrying someone who drove up in a candy corn cupcake and she leaves him to sob and contemplate suicide on the cliffs.

After seeing these tears teased for two hours I was prepared for disappointment when they actually happened. But I was NOT disappointed. The dramatic waterfall of tears and hiccupping sobs coming out of Cupcake’s body were SO WORTH IT. He hides his ugly cry face in a scarf and tells himself to pull it together. IT WAS GOLD. Such sadness coming from such white teeth…sorry Cupcake, at least you’ve kick started your career on Broadway!

On a final note, try as they might, the editors of The Bachelorette did their best work to show reaction after reaction that we are to assume is about Nick and Kaitlyn’s tryst but I would like to reiterate that for yet another week literally no one knows anything about the porking that occurred in Dublin and I can only imagine the floodgates that will open after they do the big reveal…if EVER. Seriously, Kaitlyn, just tell them…for all of us.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Don’t Have Sex, Because You Will Get Pregnant, and DIE.

“I want a rose so bad that I would pull my own tooth for one.”

You’ll have to excuse me if I seem extra snarky this week but I sat for two hours last night on a bed I was basically sticking to due to my 1000 degree apartment, just to watch an episode that began and ended with a cliffhanger and the in between was some behind-the-door moans. Anyway, in the continuous episode that is this season, we pick up mid-rant with Kaitlyn and our buddy Ian who is number 5 (?) in the crew of “I’m here to become famous” contest-icles. Kaitlyn takes in all that Ian has to say with silence and a few “oh, you serious” sass faces as he basically tells her he was looking for a vulnerable girl to prey on. Ian defends himself though by saying, “you asked us to be honest, sooo you basically gave me permission to verbally assault you.” Deuces, Ian. All aboard the douche-caravan. His parting words were, “I’m being punished for being intellectual,” and I can only assume that Kelsey from last season caught wind of this and immediately asked Ian to be a part of her amazing story full of large vocabulary words.

Before Kaitlyn can shed any tears, it’s Nick to the rescue! He wraps her up in a big slobber hug and the rest is incoherent because I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I physically can’t understand a word he sssssaysssss. Then he takes a quick chomp on her finger…which isn’t flirting, Nick, it’s what I do with my sister’s dog when I want to pretend he’s attacking me. And lastly, Nick tells Kaitlyn, “you do not disappoint” as he pushes his boner against her hip. Shawn-us interruptus catches this all and runs away crying.

The Alamo- Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison tries to make the rose ceremony about him by not so slyly announcing this was his home state. Unfortunately, the rose ceremony is not about Chris OR bad hair because the two worst hairstyles are swiftly eliminated, as they should have been. All the awards in the world to the producers who probably told Joshua they didn’t have time to fix his terrible haircut for the rose ceremony, knowing his fate and making sure he looked his absolute worst for it. Golf clap. Hey Joshua, you look like a DOOOFUS!

DOOFUS, DOOFUS, DOOFUS!

Roses: Ben H., Nick, Shawn, Jared, Cupcake, JJ, Joe, BenZ, Tanner

Dublin, Ireland, One on One Date with Lispy

Next logical stop after The Alamo? Ireland, duh. Nick is picked for the one on one date and has 10 minutes to change from his grey boner pants to an even tighter pair of green boner pants. I start to get genuinely concerned that I won’t be able to recap this date because I can’t understand Nick, but my worries quickly fade when I see that there is essentially no talking, just rubbins. Kaitlyn flails around some pigeons, then Nick flails in a Irish step dancing performance and nearly rips his jeggings. The remaining activities consist of Nick trying to swallow Kaitlyn’s head in various public places in Dublin. According to Nick, their physical relationship is “rock ssssholid.”

Later, they grope in a church, truly rounding out the Irish date of soft-core porn. Nick whispers sweet nothings in Kaitlyn’s ear mostly along the lines of “I’m dying…you’re giving me blue balls, can we bone now…” you know, real romantic stuff. Kaitlyn is like ok here’s a rose because I think we’re still doing that TV show thing and now let’s get to the ‘tration.

Shawn and Jared gossip about Nick and are like fingers crossed she’s having a shitty time right now–meanwhile, Nick is slipping his digits up Kaitlyn’s skirt on her hotel couch. Then this show tapped right into my nightmares of the days when I had to listen to my roommate getting friendly with boys in our shared dorm room in college and the sloppy kissing sounds and awk foreplay when they forced us to watch a closed door and listen to Nick giving Kaitlyn multiples while he pet her hair and lapped at her mouth (probably.) Apparently when you go to poundtown on TV, you also keep your mic packs on. Showing them closing the door would have sufficed, THANKS. On the bright side, now I can add Kaitlyn’s moans to the list of things I never ever want to hear again for the rest of my life.

The following day, Nick takes the walk of shame with a shit-eating grin, sits down for story time with the boys and said they just talked. I overcompensated for how smart these jabronis are when I assumed they would immediately guess that he boinked her but apparently these morons have never heard of a girl and a guy TAALLLKKING. Nick basically did everything short of showing them the footage when he grinned and said it was intimate but no one caught on.

RIP Kaitlyn-Tanner, BenZ, Shawn, Jared, Ben H, Cupcake

Hear ye, hear ye, Kaitlyn is dead. She died from Nick giving her a rare strand of Chlamydia and the leftovers are attending her wake for a group date. If there were ever a point when I would give up on a TV show it would have been this exact point, but since I only watch it to make fun of it I hung in there. Chris Harrison admitting, however, that this was “a little” ridiculous almost caused me to launch at the TV. Oh really, Chris? Just a LITTLE? The boys gather around Kaitlyn lying in a coffin and give their eulogies. I wish that was a sentence that I made up, but alas it isn’t. Unfortunately for BenZ who actually lost his mom, death isn’t really a topic that’s all about LoL’s on TV for him. Gawd, Kaitlyn, read the room before you fake die. He gets super emosh about it and makes everyone clear the room.

Later, the boys take time to chat with Kaitlyn because whoever gets rosed spends the rest of the night with her and everyone else has to bizounce. Shawn shows her pictures of his family (d’awww), Jared calls Kaitlyn a beautiful corpse like the stupid creep that he is (and also brings up her old man laugh for the 10000th time) and yet his patchy ass beard on that punchworthy face of his still gets the rose. Shawn is sad panda about it. He shouldn’t be, because the reward for getting a rose is going to a cathedral for a personal concert by The Cranberries. Yes, you heard me correctly, the obscure Irish 90’s band whose most famous song is most definitely about a fart is who they chose as a prized performance. But for serious though, last season’s star power was Big & Rich and now The Cranberries? You would think a #1 rated show could lock down a musical guest from this decade, no? Obviously The Crans perform “Linger” because romance.

While Kaitlyn and Jared slow dance to an ode to flatulence, Shawn pulls a producer aside to strong-arm him for dirty deets on whose been in Kaitlyn’s bed. It turns out that the reason he needs to know so badly is because he also spent some bedroom time with Kaitlyn, except he was classy enough to do it OFF camera and he’d probably like to know if he should get tested. The producer told him it wouldn’t hurt to get a quick blood test and Shawn makes a surprise visit to confront Kaitlyn. Unfortunately, she leads him to sit down on the same couch that her and Nick exchanged fluids on mere hours before and Shawn left his black light kit at home. What will happen?! Will Shawn leave? Will Kaitlyn cry? Will Shawn get so angry at her that he rips his shirt off, picks her up and carries her to her room? Hey, a girl can dream. Anyway, we will not know any of these things ever…or until next week, whatever.

PS In case anyone cares (I certainly don’t), our weekly catch-up with the Hipster twins Britt & Brady contained a winter knit hat in the sunshine state and Britt’s mom declaring that Brady seems like a good buddy. In other words, Brady just got friend-zoned by Britt’s mom. Yikes.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Follow Your Heart, Your Male Intuition

You know what might be fun for once? Starting an episode fresh and not fresh off of a stupid cliffhanger from the week before. But we can’t always get what we want and so here we are, a week later and Nick is still in the elevator. When he finally enters and greets the group of judgey eyes like they’re about to play a game of pickup basketball and not like he just weaseled his way onto their show, it goes swimmingly. The men are crammed onto one couch and tell Nick to state his case, obviously pretty threatened by this little baby duck in a skin-tight sweatshirt. Once Nick opens his mouth, however, there’s a collective sigh of relief as the boys hear Nick’s debilitating lisp. Nothing to worry about here, can’t have a villain with a lissssssp. Tanner calls him out for hanging with Andi recently (Tanner clearly has an US Weekly hidden under his pillow) and Josh gets a liiiiittle touchy about Nick calling Kaitlyn a cool chick instead of an AMAZING woman.

Cocktail Party @ Citi Field

JJ picks Kaitlyn up like she’s the daintiest bird and runs the bases with her, which would be the cutest thing in the world except that it’s JJ and he’s a douche nugget. Tanner uses the word “pussyfooted” while chatting with Kaitlyn. And Shawn goes all real talk on her ass and says Nick is full of shit. BOOYAH TEAM SHAWN.

Rose Ceremony: Justin, Cupcake, Jared, Ben H., BenZ, Shawn, Tanner, Joe, Ian, JJ, Joshua, Nick

“Let’s Take Our Love One Step At A Time”- Ben H.

The crew travels to San Antonio, TX because apparently they’re now a touring band of bros across the USA. Ben H. snags a one on one and Kaitlyn picks him up in a vintage Ford truck that she absolutely does not know how to drive but they make it seem like she does because, Hollywood. Joshua, the welder who struggles to put a coherent sentence together and calls tampons, “tampins” turns into the biggest jelly belly and lurks in the window as Kaitlyn and Ben get into the truck. It makes him miss his truck or his side hobby as a peeping Tom or something. Kaitlyn and Ben learn how to two step from a woman who met her husband two-steppin (Oh, Texas) and then get thrown into a dance competition later on…which is pretty par for the course on these dates. Learn something brand new then embarrass yourself in front of a crowd, ha-ha I’ll choose my future husband based on who doesn’t shit their pants! Anyway, not to brag but I learned how to two step while I was hammered with a true Texan at a country bar in Boston. So I’m probably a professional.

You know who else is a professional? Betty Jo, the 1000 year old woman whose five minute appearance will undoubtedly get her a reality show.

Betty Jo is a shining star. Who needs teeth when you’ve still got your moves? She drags those bones all over the dance floor and tells Kaitlyn and Ben that dancing is love as she gives them a sagging wink. What a firecracker she was. Later on, Kaitlyn tries to get Ben H to open up so he sighs a whole lot and builds up how hard it is to say this… but his last girlfriend told him that he lost the chase. Ok, Ben, more two-steppin, less talkin. He gets rosed.

Group Date: “I Love A Man in Uniform”

Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, BenZ, Joshua, Nick

A cocky lil bitch named Mr. Steal Yo Girl Sebastian serenades Kaitlyn and is like I just melted Kaitlyn’s panties with my singing, try to keep up, boyz. They all have to write and perform mariachi songs….cause embarrassment. STOP MAKING THEM SING, KAITLYN. IT’S PUNISHMENT FOR ALL OF US. Anyway, there’s a lotta room for accidental racism here and I nearly rubbed my hands together with glee. Joshua uses his songwriting time to glare at Nick and plot his murder while Ian uses this time to brag about how he’s a Grammy-winning singer. During the performances, Justin thankfully tucks his swooping comb over under a sombrero and also uses an Italian accent while singing…nailed it. JJ becomes the guitar guy at a party and brings out his acoustic only to mess up the chords. Ian chokes so hard with his whisper singing that JJ is redeemed. And finally, Nick takes Kaitlyn to the balcony to serenade her and works “erection” into his tune. Even Tanner had to give him props for that. Boner jokes. Respect.

Later in a church barn (no, really) Josh is like “hey Kaitlyn, you’re a barber right? Cut my hair while everyone else waits inside.” Barber and dancer are the same thing, right guys? No seriously, did I miss the part when Kaitlyn tells everyone she’s a barber? Kaitlyn proceeds to buzz a hole in Josh’s head and all the boys laugh at him. Justin says Josh’s hair looks like it went through the wood chipper and is a little rough. Let me reiterate that for you…this guy:

judged another man’s hair. Then Nick walks in on Josh talking shit and he does that thing that girls do when they get caught where they just abruptly stop talking and go, “yeah….so that’s it.” Josh tells Nick he hates him but he doesn’t know why, and Nick’s like Ok, cool.

Josh takes one look at Nick’s fluffy hair and gets pissed off again about his shitty haircut so he stomps into the church with Kaitlyn to teach her and God about his male intuition. Apparently it’s a thing guys have when they hate someone but they can’t pinpoint what they hate about them. Josh declares everyone hates Nick but nobody wants to be that weasel to throw somebody under the bus like he has been this ENTIRE season. (i.e. Tony, Clint, JJ, Nick…get a hobby, bruh.) This isn’t Kaitlyn’s first rodeo (Texas pun, lawls) dealing with a bunch of lying turds so she calls Josh out in front of the whole group and Josh hops right onto that welded bike of his and starts backpedaling as fast as he can. The rest of the crew throws him over the bus and drives over him and his stupid haircut until he stops dribbling dumb. Nick gets the rose (in front of Josh) because he’s here and put himself and his tongue out there, while I just wish he would put his tongue away, permanently.

Kayaking One on One with Shawn

Kaitlyn may give us a lot of cringe worthy dates, but we can’t say she doesn’t know how to make it up to us. I present you with, a date that Shawn has to take his shirt off for. Excuse me while I mop up the puddle of drool that I could probably kayak through. While staring at his washboard abs, Kaitlyn confesses that she loves his voice and his smell then quickly stops herself and says she’s getting creepy. Girlfriend, he’s on the show for you…sniff away! While paddling down a river Kaitlyn compares Texas to Europe and I’m willing to bet this is the first time in history that comparison has ever been made. Ah yes, this dirty river and rental kayaks accompanied with the smell of barbecue really remind me of the rolling hills in Tuscany.

At their bonfire in the evening, Shawn and Kaitlyn cuddle up and talk about how happy they are, making it a perfect time for Shawn to talk about the time he almost died in a car wreck a few years ago. Apparently his car flipped a bunch and a cop told him he shouldn’t have survived, no biggie, but today was really fun!!! (Side bar: Buckle up, kids.) Shawn sheds some man-tears and I tried to wipe them up but my TV got in the way and he told me Kaitlyn that he’s falling in love with her. She says samesies and he kisses her like a real man and doesn’t try to clean her sinuses like Nick probably would have done. There’s a rose and fiyaworks and we can just end the series here because it’s obvious who our winner is.

Cocktail Party 2.0

Not the kind of show to let a good thing happen without a whole load of bullshit, next up we have Ian in the long train of guys who think they’re better than Kaitlyn and have no business being on this show. I for one, hope he’s bringing up the caboose on that train because this shit is getting exhausting to watch. Our boy Ian, who if you recall, was pretty much obsessed with Kaitlyn when he arrived, decided that he’s soooo over being ignored because he’s a Princeton grad and a former model and oh yeah he DEFIED death. In efforts to clinch the spot as next Bachelor, he announces casually that he’d prefer to be the next Bachelor. Signed, sealed, delivered I think we’ve found him. In other relevant things, Kaitlyn is not nearly as hot as Ian’s ex-girlfriend, so obviously this makes him better than her…he also has a lot of sex so HA. Ian confronts Kaitlyn and complains about guys who make fart and poop jokes, That’s it. That’s the last straw. GET OUTTA HERE, IAN. He continues to be a jerk and obviously this whole thing is to be continued because we accept the rose ceremonies we think we deserve. And this week, we only deserved one.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette-Contestants Past Run Out of ABC Paychecks

“There’s nothing but anger and loneliness and a whole bunch of dudes at the hotel.”

Since this is the MOST dramatic season EVER, we fire up this week rehashing the clint hanger from last week. Clint continues to be a dirty scoundrel who uses the word “very” no less than 100 times. Kaitlyn is very, very, very, very sorry but ya DUN, Clint. He returns to the crew to say goodbye and try to sniff out the narc, instead JJ demands IN FRONT OF EVERYONE that Clint apologize for taking away everyone’s time. There’s an audible gasp in the room and Clint forces JJ to shake his hand and say goodbye, giving the whole exchange a very (very, very) dad hit mom at the dinner table and let’s just keep eating and pretend it didn’t happen feel to it. JJ immediately regrets acting like a dick and tries to give Clint a quick kiss before he goes and Clint is like hey F-U I TOLD YOU ALL MY SECRETS! Clint gets into the Dodge caravan of shame and nearly rips the sliding door off while JJ quietly sobs in the dark. It’s almost as if these two are treating this like a Hollywood audition or something. Either way, the bromance is dead and so is the premise of a rose ceremony apparently. Kaitlyn pulls a Prince Farming and is like now that we got rid of Tony, I feel comfortable trying to bang all of these guys so let’s just axe the roses thing tonight, C. Harrison. The remaining stragglers begin their journey to NYC and Justin beings his journey to winning worst hair on the show. YIKES.

Group Date “Let’s Keep Our Love Fresh”- JJ, Shawn, Jonathan, Ryan, Tanner, BenZ, Justin

In this week’s “FAMOUS” guest star that I literally could not pick out of a crowd, heeeeere’s Doug E. Fresh! He raps a little bit to show the guys what a pro can do and the bros all get a chance to showcase their rapper arms. All but one…My country lover Shawn keeps his hands stiffly at his sides because this ain’t no hoedown. It’s kewl Shawn, I like country too. CALL ME. Anyway, Shawn ends up winning the rap battle (in my mind) not because of his rapping skills (he had less than none) but because he flashed the goods (his abs, you pervs) and made everyone forget we were cringing through the worst flowz eva.

Justin and his flouncy side bangs win for best rap diss with “Remind me how the notebook end, that’s right she forgot you.” OHH BURRNNN, YOU LOOK LIKE RYAN GOSLING, THE HOTTEST ACTOR IN AMERICA, SHAWN. Suck on THAT. Corey tucks his shirt into his undies and wears a beanie in attempts to not look like he’s a single middle-aged dad of 5 kids who kept him up all night. JJ calls NYC girls “hoes” and they boo him because he’s a dick. Deeze hoes ain’t loyal.

In our first Prince Farming season flashback of the night, KardAshley is at the rap battle probably in town to get a job as a sales clerk at DASH. However, the real drama llama is that baby bitch Nick from Andi’s season is there and cat’s outta the bag, Nick & Kaitlyn have been chatting on AIM for the past few months but have never actually met face to face. OK Kaitlyn, if online boyfriends count I had a very fruitful dating life in 7^th grade. Anyway, NickyV123 complimented her on the interweb and suddenly they were texting. Sounds promising. He came to NYC to see what they had before it was too late to force his way back onto reality TV. Kaitlyn giggles a lot and is like OMGEEE should I add another guy into my weekly rotation of seven minutes in heaven?

Cocktail party on a BOAT

The men gather unaware that they’re about to get big-timed by a wittle baby bitch. Kaitlyn’s all no disrespect but I’m gonna bring another guy on board (get it? Boat punz. LOL) to date and also he may or may not have tried to slut shame his almost-fiance on live national television. LETZ DO THIS. Thankfully for all of us, the guys don’t even pretend to not know who he is. Shawn is like oh Nick Viall from Andi’s season? I’ll have another. ANOTHER. Then Tanner chimes in to give the TV Guide cliff notes of Nick’s existence. Tanner is like no homo guys, but I watched Nick cry on TV and he kisses and tells so we all must murder him. Tanner fiercely becomes captain of Team Bachelor Bitchfest and suddenly I know who Tanner is. Well played. Kaitlyn takes this moment to leave the boat and make out with Nick on the dock because she DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO and WHY does this have to be so HARD. She comes back and wipes her lips off like nobody will notice her face is covered in Nick’s saliva. Justin doesn’t see this through his droopy side bang and gives a queertastic speech about how Kaitlyn should follow her heart. Since he’s the only one who sounds supportive, he gets rewarded with the rose.

Blissfully unaware, the boys back at the hotel get a date card for Jared’s one on one and when I found out he won the date I actually shouted NOooooooOO at the TV….which got a little weird because I was watching by myself. Jared grins like a creep and then announces that it’s time for him to go to bed AKA it’s time for him to get intimate with himself thinking about his date tomorrow. While he’s dreaming of Kaitlyn running her fingers through his greasy hair, Kaitlyn is dreaming of running her fingers through Nick’s fuzzy baby duck hair that sticks out in tufts an uncomfortable amount.

The guys spend the majority of this episode sitting on the couch and gossiping about Nick like bitches at a slumber party, calling him desperate and sad and starting rumors that he probably cries after sex. Kaitlyn wakes up still SO TORN and we get the BEST moment of the episode, possibly the season, possibly the series of The Bachelorette. She dials up Nick and as a recording of their convo about how they slept fills our ears with nonsense, my eyes are riveted by an ominous snowy montage of NYC and music that gives me the feeling these two are actually plotting a murder on the phone and not just talking about if they should date or not. By the end of this scene I had been convinced Nick was going to blow up Times Square so BRAVO, producers!!

As if they were just foreshadowing that something bad was going to happen…ONION POMEGRANATE IS BACK! Ya girl OP is here to “style” Kaitlyn’s hair and have a little girl talk. Kaitlyn blabs her dilemma and OP gives sound advice that you need a best friend first and not just lust. Whoa. Girl, where you been hiding? It’s almost as if she’s a regular person who played it up for the cameras? Weird.That would’ve been rare.

Kaitlyn meets up with Nick after her hair appt where she apparently had OP curl each strand just to throw it into a messy braid that I do when my hair is dirty. Hope she didn’t pay for that. OP should probably stick to giving tours of the Mesa Verde. The verdict is that Nick gets to stay so they can bite each other’s lips some more and he can showcase his collection of Mr. Rogers cardigans. Can we send Nick to OP for a haircut though? Seriously.

Jared The Wiener’s One on One-“Let’s Re-imagine the Night We First Met”

The Met is reserved for a fancy date with Jared, who has a slicked side part and I want to punch it right off of his stupid, punchable head. Jared has diarrhea of the mouth and should definitely be put down humanely while Kaitlyn stares off into space and wishes she could take another chomp out of Nick’s lips. Jared wrote a poem for Kaitlyn because OF COURSE HE DID. After reading aloud, Kaitlyn says “Game Over” and I can only assume she means game over for ever sleeping with Jared because a whiny kid reading a poem to you is the biggest turn off ever, right? Guess not. He gets a rose. Blech. The date continues on a helicopter and we have to listen to Jared word vomzies about how he fell in love with Kaitlyn in the air whilst gazing at the Statue of Liberty.

Group Date “Let’s Play”-Joe, Joshua, Ben H, Ian, Cupcake

Here’s a date that Kaitlyn probably came up with to weed out the possible gays. Unfortunately she chose one instead, which leaves me a little perplexed. Anyway, the boys audition on Broadway to be street rats and the guy with the best performance gets to be a part of Aladdin that night and everyone else has to kick rocks. Watching these guys sing and dance onstage was juuuust about as painful as watching a bunch of white country boys speak poorly written rap lyrics. Cupcake puffs his chest out and flails his arms around, winning the competition and the hearts of many men across America. He tells us this is the most excited he’s ever been, I’m assuming because he can finally jumpstart that theater career he’s always dreamed of.

Backstage in his open vest and balloon pants, Chris tells Kaitlyn they should stand in silence and appreciate the moment and by that he means dive his turban’ed head at hers and immediately mack on her. Smooth moves, poor man’s Aladdin. Their role in the show consists of standing onstage with flowers for a total of one minute and Cupcake tells Kaitlyn after that he’s in AWE of how good she did. They stroll around NYC and as Kaitlyn passes by a street performer banging on a trashcan she admits this is why she loves New York…because there’s talent everywhere. Kait, I love you girl, but that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say. Please feel free to visit Saratoga Springs and find the guy with dreads who sits in an alley (prime echo territory), swatting at buckets all day and night like a child left out to play with the pots and pans. You’ll change your tune real quick and also possibly want to box your own ears. Anyway, Cupcake gets a rose because he’s a cupcake theater fairy.

The weekly cliff hanger comes in the form of Nick arriving at the house with his puffy hair and awkward lisp. His opening line is “Sup, Guys.” I predict that Nick will be murdered by a room of sexually frustrated men within minutes of uttering this greeting.

While the credits roll, we get an update on Britt & Brady, still clinging onto that 5 seconds of fame each week. They’re officially dating and also HOMEBOY WORE COMBAT BOOTS TO THE BEACH.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Man Meat Everywhere

We pick up this week with Kupah having his just-got-dumped-on-TV rage blackout aimed at a cameraman. Suddenly Kupah goes from screaming like a lunatic to smooth cool guy when Kaitlyn appears. He explains that he’s shouting because he doesn’t want to go home, he wants to get a book deal out of this…or something. Once he starts talking about more attractive girls he’s been with I think the producers gently say ok Kupah you’re 5 minutes is up please get into the Dodge Caravan and go quietly into the night to join Ryan B. McDrunkerson in Bachelorette shame.

Rose Ceremony: Clint, JJ, Ben Z., Jared, Ben H., Shawn B., Jonathan, Tanner, Chris Cupcake, Ryan, Justin, Ian, Joshua, Joe, Tony

Kaitlyn sobs about having to send men home. WAH MY LIFE IS SO HARD. Meanwhile, I sob about the fact that we have to put up with Tony for a minute longer than we should. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? Anyway, speaking of, apparently Kaitlyn did something to deserve a gaggle of bros who aren’t even trying to hide that they’re pursuing alternate careers via her TV show and peacing out left and right. It is ROUGH to watch.

SUMO Date: Clint, Chris, Tony, JJ, Joe, Shawn

Sumo wrestlers sneak into the house and wake up all the men with a pretty aggress gong hit. JJ really wants to go on the Japanese date because he likes sushi. He’s obviously supes cultured. Once assembled, all the boys are wearing sumo diapers and need a whole lot of censorship, not unlike Jillian’s asshole last season. They do lunges in their thongs just so that Kaitlyn, a bunch of other dudes and a camera crew can size up the contestants’ junk hangin loosey goosey. (Joe’s in particular.) Tony runs his gentle hands through his mop top, pulls it into the babiest man bun I’ve ever seen, flicks his shades down and announces that a 600 lb man should be VERY AFRAID. T-Bone Tone slaps the fat man a bunch of times while everyone else points and laughs then MOOD SWING, Tony the healer must need a little more ginkgo because he is very sad. He tells Kaitlyn that every date is about aggression and he’s a lover even though he just played slap the man boob with that wrestler five minutes ago. Basically Tony acts like a whiny baby, which is ironic because he’s also wearing a diaper while he wah-wah’s. I stop listening as I usually do when Tony speaks, plus I was distracted by him tucking his hair behind his ears and hawking a loogey over the balcony while trying to win Kaitlyn over. Someone get Tony his bottle. Exhibition: Tony decides not to participate because he’s too busy talking to whoever will listen about his sensitive soul. The guys de-robe and apparently there are parents out there who think it’s acceptable to bring their children to something like this. Needless to say a few kids caught an eyeful of man meat and will forever be scarred. Kaitlyn “fights” the big sumo guy AKA he tosses her around like an adorable little doll and then lets her push him out of the ring. Clint establishes himself as the Ben Z. of this week when he tries to break everyone’s bones. He wins the fight but not Kaitlyn’s heart when he decides to ignore her later. After some incoherent soul searching, Tony puts on his Navajo sweatshirt and camo hat and leaves to return to his life as a spiritual gangster who will milk his TV fame for all it’s worth…but not before he stops to talk to Kaitlyn and torture us all some more. BAIIII TONYYYYYY. Shawn saves Kaitlyn from awk city of Clint ignoring her, is his usual adorbsicles self and gets the rose.

One on One with Ben Z. –SURPRISE YOU’RE GONNA DIE by Chris Harrison

Chris Harrison is waiting for them in a dark creepy basement. Exploiting Kaitlyn’s fears, Chris is all hey I’m gonna lock you two in a room full of birds and you have to figure out how to get out. Ben reels Kaitlyn in with his strong arms and cradles her when pigeons make her screech (I do not suggest you ever move to a city, Kaitlyn.) The room is essentially a horror movie nightmare with someone in the bed moving around and they have to troll around looking for clues to get themselves out before they die via gas chamber. Ya know, just fun-loving family programming. Full disclosz: I had to cover my eyes a couple times. The password to their freedom is “roses”…did we really need to watch them touch snakes, cockroaches, maggots, limbs, puke, blood and unearth a picture of Britt’s face just to discover that the password is THE PREMISE OF THE SHOW? Later they order pizza and Ben Z. talks more about his dead mom and how he suppresses his man tears. Quick tip: if your parents ever tell you to walk the dog, don’t. Finally they hot tub and Ben Z catches a rose and I catch a glimpse of another contestant with a hideous shoulder tat.

Group Date: “Let’s Learn to Love” Jonathan, Ben H, Joshua, Ryan, Jared, Tanner

The boys have to teach sex ed to children far too small to be learning about penetration. We soon learn that LoLzz, Kaitlyn has hired all of these child actors to be a bunch of pervs and ask questions that will give these guys the uncomfies like the little heffer who asked Ryan and his swoopy hair (seriously what is this hairstyle?) about the clitoris. Ryan brilliantly advises that little chunks learn how to rub up on that shit if he ever wants to get a girl. Not only are these kids inquisitive about the best sex positions, they also are the biggest overreactors in the game. I’m guessing they would’ve gotten their paychecks for this job either way, so the dramats facial expressions were a bit much. Although when Joshua described a “tampin” as a torpedo and a girl’s period as her uterine layer dying, this seemed like an appropo reaction: Ben H. steps up to save the day and tell a fairytale story about how sex happens with reenactments and oh my lanta Prince Charming does exist as he mimes a sperm swimming through the “stuff”. ABC shows what a bunch of prudes they are by bleeping everything out like it’s a Kanye performance or something.

Later Joshua reveals that not only did he learn about puberty from cows, he also didn’t have his first kiss until college. Kaitlyn’s like panties ON. Then Ben H. takes her to the roof, pulls a quick dip kiss, and Kaitlyn’s like panties OFF. Obviously Ben H. gets the rose. Also Jared, whose face and personality I would like to punch, kisses Kaitlyn like a baby bitch and it makes me squirm. Jared the weasel needs to go.

While all of this magic is happening with Kaitlyn and her group date, there’s a whole lot of bromance simmering back at the mansion between the two douchenozzles of the crew. Clint and JJ like to wrassle and eat together and since the Bachelorette has no qualms with being offensive they try to tease a gay storyline through editing and well-placed censorship. The bros hang out in the hot tub and talk about turtles then wind down with some guitar jams by the fire. And that’s just a regular day for these two apparently. How could we not believe it’s love?! Clint has decided that he doesn’t want to pork Kaitlyn, he’d much prefer to stick around and bro out with JJ because it would be OUTRAGEOUS to think that these two can exchange numbers and do that off camera.

Cocktail Party

Clint spews some bullshit about not having the balls to talk to Kaitlyn after the sumo date and then smashed his tongue down her throat like a con artist to guarantee a rose and a trip to JJ’s back door. FTR, if we were going to pick gays out of this group, I think these two morons would be bottom rung, but whatever. They both like sports and popping back zits. They did not factor in Joshua’s narc’ing skillz and we end this week with yet another confrontation cliffhanger between our gal Kaitlyn and a turd exploiting the show for Twitter followers. In the event that you wanted to end on a more satisfying note, here’s a picture of Shawn’s man bunz.

Memorable Quotes:

“Me and my daughter are cool.” -Cory defending to himself why he should get a rose and Kaitlyn should be a stepmommy. He’s hot but it’s probably for the best that he was sent packing to hang with his cool daughter.”

“Ben Z is a babe soda.” My new (much more appropriate way) to say a guy is hot. Thanks Kait.

“I see the world through the eyes of a child, the heart of a warrior and I have a gypsy soul.”-Tony repeating this phrase over and over and in about 3,2,1 we’ll see him selling t-shirts online with this serial killer motto.

“I think Tony partied his ass off last night because it’s non-existent.”-JJ spending his group date looking at the other guys’ buhholes. Wise use of your time, J.

“Villains gotta vill.”-The bros who shower together also have a catchphrase and it’s a little too reminiscent of a T.Swift song. I can only assume that it will soon be a matching shoulder tat displayed loud and proud.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Return of the Britt

Since The Bachelorette feels bad for all that chirping they took for pitting two women against each other and letting the men choose their trophy wife from the case, they soften the blow by intertwining Britt into this episode and giving her a quick love connection. Britt sobs to her mom about having to come home before she even unpacked her bags and knock, knock, it’s Brady Interruptus choosing this point in time to be like hey girl, I missed you since last night and let’s fall in love during the two hour block of tonight’s episode so Chris Harrison can feel better about kicking you off so abruptly.

“Will Britt and Brady fall in love?” Answer: They’ve hung out for a week and are now going steady.

Group Date: “I See This Ending With A Ring.”

Daniel, Justin, Jared, Corey, Tanner, Kupah, Ben(s)

Laila Ali is going to teach these turds how to box. Daniel looks genuinely scared just when Laila starts speaking so I already looked forward to him shitting his pants when it came to actual blows. Kupah is like I’ll count this as a free boxing lesson and try to ride out this TV career without ever speaking to Kaitlyn…but more on that later. The boyz face off in front of a paid crowd and Ben Z. who not only is a hottie but has muscles for days too squares off with Jared who is literally half his size and then everyone acts quite shocked when Ben Z. tries to murder Jared. The little runt has to go to the hospital but he’d rather just skip that nonsense and hang with Kaitlyn instead.

Later, Ben Z says he feels bad about trying to knock Jared’s head off with the same amount of fake remorse I use to say I feel bad about eating that ice cream. And here’s something…he tells Kaitlyn how he lost his mom when he was 13. (No really-that’s the segue he uses from talking about BBQ to his dead mom.) Justin has a son named Aurealis (sp?) and I’m gonna need anyone who names their child THAT off the show immediately. While talking to Daniel about his furniture line for his fellow gays, Kaitlyn is slipped a note and jets outta there to see Jared outside, on the lam from the hospital. He demands a smooch for the cold cock he took from Ben Z. It’s the ole Bachelorette barter system, a sloppy makeout in exchange for a minor concussion. In the end, Ben Z. gets the rose and a tongue-ing. Back at the boy scouts ranch, Tony, the only one in the house sporting a fresh black eye, gives a passionate speech about how competition should never result in fisticuffs.

One on One Date- “You Take My Breath Away” Clint

This date is an underwater photoshoot, cause it’s like all the rage for engagement photos and definitely not creepy or corpse-like. They get ready for the photoshoot by breathing deeply and touching each other because apparently this is how one prepares to model in a heated pool.

In addition to looking like their eyes are rolling back in their head whilst drowning, Clint and Kaitlyn have an underwater makeout sesh, which seems quite complicated. They try again above water obviously. No but seriously all the awards to Kaitlyn for looking remotely sexy underwater, my friends and I tried to do a photoshoot in my pool once and it was disastrous. I’m not even being dramats…here was my best take:

Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s chlorine in her eyes? I guess you win this round, Kaitlyn. After they make out some more on the roof during dinner, Kaitlyn reveals that Clint brings out her romantic side and therefore he gets a rose.

Group Date: I’m Looking for a Man Who Will Stand Up For Me

JJ, Jonathan, Chris (“Cupcake”), Ian, Joe, Tony, Joshua

Amy Schumer comes in to spice things up, teach the guys improv and drool all over Kaitlyn. Surprisingly, most of the guys do well with their pre-written jokes. JJ acts like a real dick and basically says he’s above everyone else and also that he’s a 30 year old single dad living with his parents. Keep doing you, JJ. Tony gets sauced, has a hard case of the stutters and uses his stage time to pontificate about the universe or something. Everyone in the crowd gets the uncomfy laughs and Tony has no radar for when people are laughing at him, not with him. Cupcake Chris relies on those abs of his to seal the deal when he unbuttons his minty toothpaste shirt.

Later on, Joshua talks about his dogs farting and every time Tony opens his mouth, straight gibberish dribbles out. It was exhausting trying to keep up with his stream of consciousness while also not looking directly into his nightmare bug eyes. I can honestly say I understood Onion Pomegranate better than this goon. They must be eating from the same onion tree near the mansion. Kaitlyn and douchenozzle JJ talk about his daughter some more and Kaitlyn essentially needs a cleanup in aisle underwear every time he even mentions his kid. This turn on that he’s a dad is starting to get real weird. They explore each other’s mouths. Joe takes Kaitlyn outside to eat her face against a brick wall then ruins his aggressive move by saying “Well I’ll be” like a grandpa discovering internet for the first time. Desert sandstorm underwear. JJ gets the rose because Kaitlyn has a dad fetish (that clearly doesn’t apply to dads of kids named after constellations.)

Cocktail Party:

The boys have a Gentlemen’s Agreement (huzzah!) to let the ones who didn’t get dates have some alone time with Kaitlyn and JJ says no way Jose’s and steers Kaitlyn right outta the room. Dick move, bruh. Ian talks about how he casually almost died after college and re-learned how to be a human so he gets a kiss. It’s the bachelor(ette) way to spew your sob story right quick if you think you’re on the chopping block, duhs. JJ tells a room full of testosterone steaming about his power move, “sorry I’m not sorry” like he’s a basic betch justifying having too much jungle juice at the luau themed sorority rush party. Tony is the most angry about it…he could just kill JJ with his bare…kindess.

Out of contestants we forgot existed, Kupah tries to pull the MINORITY CARD to justify why he’s still there when he LITERALLY voted for Britt and has made a point not to talk to Kaitlyn at all. Get out of here Kupah. He sits down with Kaitlyn to accuse her of keeping him around just because he’s black. Kaitlyn tells him he has made 0 effort and now the connection she once felt is gone. He returns to the crew to word vomit his anger and Kaitlyn hears everything from where she’s sitting directly next to him. She stomps on over and cuts off his yapping to take him away and tell him he needs to leave. He acts like an asshole, takes a swig of his whiskey and handcuffs himself to the door refusing to leave. JK but he does throw a baby tantrum and insist he’s not leaving because he thinks Kaitlyn is really sexy and he still would like to have relations with her. Kaitlyn is like no thank you, bye Felicia. Obviously he moves his tantrum right outside to the producers and when Kaitlyn overhears him yelling again she marches right out to handle things because she’s a bo$$. To Be Continued hopefully with a swift knee to Kupah’s groin. Smell ya later, Kupz.

Best Quotes

“Surprise, surprise.” -Tony as he sneaks into Kaitlyn’s bedroom at night and wakes her up with his crazy eyes, presumably to smother her to death with plants.

“JJ’s a sweetheart, he’s just missing charisma, and humility and a sense of humor…Maybe when he sees the show he’ll reflect on himself and not be such a turd.”-Amy Schumer telling it like it is.

“Right now I feel smugness wrapped inside of cockiness wrapped inside of confidence wrapped inside of I just talked to the girl and you didn’t.”-JJ…at least he wraps it up?

“When we first met it was weird but when we hit third year, boy it was amazing.”-The love story Kupah tries to convince Kaitlyn they’ll tell their grandkids. I’m guessing he’ll leave out the part about throwing a tantrum and trying to force this love story into existence.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette-Let the Tongue Smashing Begin

In the first few minutes Chris breaks the news to Britt that shes outtie 5000. Britt is HEARTBROKEN that she just lost all these men who she talked to for a collective 10 minutes. She sobsies in the limo farewell and you know what? I don’t feel bad because Britt has goddess mermaid hair and apparently gives good hug…plus the whole she’s been on TV thing and I don’t think she’ll have a hard time snagging a guy. Take your wah-wahs and your pink pout and save them for the next guy who will come along much quicker than we think. (Hint: It’s Brady.)

When Chris approaches Kaitlyn to give her the news she grabs his shoulders and tries to make out with him. Just kidding, sort of. Chris solemnly says, “Unfortunately Kaitlyn… I had to send Britt home.” HEY CHRIS, YOUSE A DICK. Like reaaallyyy? That was the best way you could think to phrase that? Do you think that when Chris is at home and his kid asks for the keys to the car he says, “I’m sorry son, but you will NOT be able to stay here because you can have the car.” Anyway, he then reminds a shaken up Kaitlyn that her job as a bachelorette is to send people home in the rose ceremony in like five minutes so she better shape up or he’ll turn Britt’s limo right around. Kaitlyn has the easiest first rose ceremony of all time, all she needs to do is yell everyone who voted for Britt say “trophy wife” and boom, elimination round.

Unfortunately, Kaitlyn chooses to forget completely that there are some men in the room who didn’t want her to be the Bachelorette and so she sits down with the guys again and DOESN’T immediately ask who they voted for. Lame. She receives the long awaited welded rose from Joshua while Tony sits by himself among the candles and plants making metaphors about drinking fountains and digging wells.

Jared shows he has balls by being the only one to confess he voted for Britt but makes a hard case for still wanting to be there that didn’t involve advancing his personal career (or opting for a Loveman comic book and movie…yet.) Kaitlyn loves his honesty unfortunately so we know he’s going to stick around. JJ doesn’t confess that he voted for Britt when he totes did but tells Kaitlyn about his three-year-old daughter and in turn, Kaitlyn got horned up for JJ being a dad. No seriously, she basically has a flood warning in her basement just at the mention of him having a kid.

Cupcake Chris doesn’t know how cute he is apparently (according to Kaitlyn.) He takes those perfect dentist teeth of his and goes in for the KILL with Kaitlyn marking his territory as the first person to meet her mouth this season. Good work cupcake boy. Tony watches them mack and then makes the astute observation that you, “Can’t judge a book by its cupcake.” I feel smarter just from hearing that, Tony. Thanks for sharing your wisdom about cupcakes and books. We are all unworthy of your healing powers and dashing middle part.

My boooyyy Shawn B. gets the first impression rose mostly because Kaitlyn can’t even be around him without getting hot and bothered. Same, girl. They seal the deal with a hawt makeout. Although I condone this smooch 100%, I also feel like it’s necessary to add that I REALLY hate the idea of going through constant spit-swapping sounds for another whole season. My Bachelor friends gave me the impression that Soules was a mouth slut and therefore it was rare for kissing to be so common. Looks like we’re in for another real spit sloppy season, and I could certainly do without it. Please kiss Shawn B. only from now on, Kaitlyn. We all know he’s going to be your hubs anyway because WHO WOULDN’T PICK HIM?!

Rose Ceremony: Shawn B., Chris (cause they swapped spit), Ben H., JJ, Joe, Kupah, Daniel, Ryan B., Joshua, Tony, Clint, Corey, Jonathan, Cory, Ben Z., Tanner, Ian, Justin, Jared

The drama got SO REAL when Brady interrupted the rose ceremony and all of the jelly belly Team Kaitlyn bros who are furious about Team Britt bros snagging roses fumed so he can tell her he’s not here for the right reasons. JK he wants all up on Britt. C. Harrison plays matchmaker and hooks him up with the woman of his dreams. So cut the shit with the tears Britt because you’re about to talk bible verses with country superstar Brady. Although maybe you shouldn’t tell him you’re not a country fan and you don’t know who Big & Rich are but still went to their concert.

This season’s preview shockers: Kaitlyn hoes out and admits to it (get it girlfran) and FOR NO REASON AT ALL other than probably for ratings, Nick the baby bitch from Andi’s season is brought back, and DEFINITELY gets some tongue action with Kaitlyn. Remember when Nick handled Andi and Josh like a mature adult and told everyone in America on live TV that he porked Andi in the fantasy suite? Lawls.

The Salty Ju

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Tag Archives: The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Bearded Bros Tell Nothing

The Bachelorette- SLEEPOVER PARTY!!!

The Bachelorette- A Fantasy Pork in Cork

The Bachelorette- The Cliffs of No Moher Cupcake

The Bachelorette- Don’t Have Sex, Because You Will Get Pregnant, and DIE.

The Bachelorette- Follow Your Heart, Your Male Intuition

The Bachelorette-Contestants Past Run Out of ABC Paychecks

The Bachelorette- Man Meat Everywhere

The Bachelorette- Return of the Britt

The Bachelorette-Let the Tongue Smashing Begin