Yeah, I know how old I am. So old that I appreciated them putting Eminem as the opener so that if I chose to go to bed or felt horrified and ancient by the hoochies that followed, I could rest easy knowing I saw the only act I’d know. (Although, Fat Joe comin at 8:50 PM…did not have that on my VMA lottery. LEANBACK!) But guess what, being old makes for great comedy when judging these ‘fits. It’s like if you were to scroll through red carpet photos with your grandma. I gasped on more than one occasion.

PS People.com had 130 photos from this red carpet. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? About 70% of those photos were nobodies. I know because I scrolled all the way to the bottom in awe of the fact that just about anyone can strut an MTV carpet these days. Let’s relax on that shit. Stop trying to keep the Real Housewives of New Jersey relevant by inviting them. Here’s a v. small sampling of who was important and/or any outfit that got a visceral reaction from me. I’m not even sorting best or worst dressed because it’s like viewing a circus and you’ll know what I think about each outfit immediately anyway.

I love a c*nty hood moment. (Did I us the c-word correctly? Gays? LMK.) The fact that the hood is also somehow gloves may break my brain and I really respect the classy nude monochrome. No clue who this is, but she looks amaze.

I will never get over the fact that this is Tom Hanks’ son. What a goon. Ready to hit the ice and serve a mean knucklepuck OR go full blown motocrossed. Whatever he wants because he’s the son of Hollywood royalty.

Fat Joe ain’t fat no mo! Seems like it’s time for a rebrand. Ozempic Joe?

Snooki knows exactly where she came from and what made her a reality TV sensation and God Bless for her continuing to deliver even though she’s a full-grown adult and mom of three. Still crushing leopard print, a chunky heel, and big hair. RESPECT SNICKERS. RESPECT.

Oh are lollipops accessories now? The dress is Forever 21 and the lolli is Charms Blow Pop, strawberry flavor. Thx.

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you can never make a trench coat high fashion chic, it’s always going to give school shooter vibes.

Not a good enough reason to show your nip nops, Benson. Also, leave it to the guy who’s making waves for soulful power ballads that get me in my feels to dress like a real pervert ice dancer. I won’t be able to unsee this the next time I’m scream-singing Beautiful Things in my car.

This was a gasp. Not only is it hideous, but I don’t need a full-frontal view of your belly snake. Ya that’s right. I said it. I get it. You’re trying to dress like a moonman to manifest taking one home. (Assuming you’re nominated…no clue who you are.) There are FOR SURE cuter astronaut-esque lewks out there. And while we’re on the topic, because why not, these barrel pants that are becoming a thing deserved to be burned in hell. A pant that makes you look like you have elephantiasis of the leg?! JAIL. TY for coming to my Ted Talk. 

Thanks for showing up in your jammies to shout WE THE BEST, DJ Khaled. Don’t eva change.

BIRD LADY. This is terrifying. No THX.

Honestly what the hell am I looking at here? Sweatband silk chic? Why is the top just drooping in front of her crotch like they forgot to cut it? Ugh. As THAT girl of the Olympics this year, I had higher expectations for her to pop off on this carpet and this is atrocious.

Enjoy your five mins, Shaboozester! You earned it with one of the catchiest hits of the summer. Cuffed jeans and camel toe boots aren’t really helping your case tho…

We get it girl, you’re hot and tan. I spent my summer at the beach securing a lifelong payment of tolls at the dermatologist’s office but you don’t see me rolling up to Jenks in my undies to show off my hard work. Judging by the high cut of these ‘roos, I imagine the reverse view is fully cheeked up.  K E W L.

This is so thirsty for VS Angels that I’m embarrassed for her. Not only is she desp for pair of wings, but also this isn’t even flattering. Cone boobs, granny panties and a peep-toe heel? Barf all over me.

I love a leop print but FIRE ENGINE RED?! It’s a no from me, dawg.

This is the EXACT moonman ‘fit I was looking for earlier. See?! There is a way to get inspired by a moonman but not look like a bag of crap. It’s majestic and super flattering.

NO! GOD PLEASE! NO! NOOOOOOOO! Do NOT bring back to the sopping wet red carpet look that the Kardashians BEAT TO DEATH in 2016. DON’T DOOO ITTTTTTT. 

Watch out for my medallion, my diamonds are reckless, feels like a MIDGET is hanging from my necklace! But seriously what is that goblin hanging off her neck? And more importantly, how many times did her right tit flop out?

Cyndi still killin it in her seventies. SEV-EN-TIES.

I’m not really a witchy girl, as you might’ve been able to tell from the fact that I cry when summer’s over and shove neon colors and heart-shaped sunglasses down your grillpiece, but I can appreciate that she’s pulling this off. It’s almost fall (for those who choose to recognize that season) and this spooky Morticia-lite is werking.

Sure, wear a full helmet but DON’T YOU DARE COVER UP THOSE ABS, bruh. Head to toe leather but the belly button MUST be on display.

Really only included this because I’m SHOCKED these two are still together. Never would’ve guessed a relashe that started with cheating (for both parties) and a newborn baby left behind would last this long. I guess the couple that wears matching black suits stays together. 

Chica Karol G dressed like a literal hot cheeto.

Jack went for the 1994 dad specialty. Ill-fitted rust colored button down and black slacks. The woven belt really sent me. And then his wife took notes from Suki Waterhouse and also dressed like a crow. She looks great, he looks like he’s stressed from a day full of selling printer toner and yelled at the kids to turn off Fresh Prince and go do their homework. 

Wearing a tie as a necklace with no shirt. Only Lenny. No notes.

Shawn looks hawt. And he knows it too. Probably felt he needed to show up stuntin his A game as not one but *two* scorned exes who he happened to mack on at the same time this year would be present and performing. And true to the drama, they’ve all got songs about each other. 

Bout to make some enemies but I’m already over Chappell Roan and she’s been famous for like 30 seconds. Bitch came out of nowhere. All of a sudden two weeks ago I’m reading about Chappell Roan hating being famous and I literally said to myself WHO? If you’re making a big stink about being famous and you’ve been here for a hot minute, see yourself out. Or in your own words, GOOD LUCK, BABE! She loves wearing eccentric outfits like this renaissance faire specialty and between her super annoying songs, the costume gimmick, and her rage for getting attention whilst seeking attention…I’m all set. My hate grew three sizes when she went to accept New Artist wearing knight metals that were jangling and clearly uncomfortable and getting in her eyes as she tried to speak. Sure, you want to make a statement with your ‘fit but AT WHAT COST?!

She looks fabulous. Marilyn Monroe glam for a chick who sings about what her cooch tastes like. Flawless.

No.

Kneejerk reaction is that the bottom looks like a scarecrow. Now that I’ve typed that out I feel like it makes no sense. But I’m gonna double down. It’s the tie part. MEGAN THEE SCARECROW. Boom. Roasted.

Saved the best for last. JK I didn’t have any control on how these photos uploaded. I hated this, obviously. I took one look at her trying to be punk rock edgy in plaid and was like omg go home, nerd. Then honestly I saw what hot garbage everyone else was wearing and it grew on me. If we take out those ridiculous leather fingerless gloves that go up to her armpits, it looks good. And obviously, tune into the Swifties to see what this outfit and her mid-show change means because of course it is FULL OF EASTER EGGS.