Tag Archives: reality show

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor-Jamaican Me Love You

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In the MOST DRAMATIC three hours this quarter, Chris Harrison butts in at the end of commercial breaks to say something like “watch what happens next” and to remind us ad nauseum that Ben LOVES two girls. Seriously Chris, what a demotion to go from announcing the last rose to instructing people to watch the show we’re already watching. What an embarrassing life you lead. JK there’s nothing embarrassing about how rich Chris is. We’re also introduced at the top of the three-hour block to Ben’s pastor—who is on call because he’s not really that busy. He flew out to LA to pretend to read a bible on camera and basically have no expression whatsoever. Get this guy an agent, STAT! Anyway, TAKE US TO JAMAICA, CHRIS.

In Jamaica, at the Sandals resort, Lauren continues her vendetta against her vagina as she suffocates it in another pair of jean undies. Let it breathe, girl! She takes my advice when she goes to meet Ben’s parents, thank gawd. That would NOT have been comfy to keep digging your denim out of your lady bits while convincing the boyfriend’s parents that you make mature decisions. Lauren earns strike 1 when she greets Ben by calling him cutie. Like what one calls a small child. Yuck. Strike 2 is when she reminds us of her suuuper awkward first date with Ben where she said she wanted to meet his parents. She tells the Mr. and Mrs. that she’s been waiting a LONG time for this moment. (2-3 weeks) Mama and Papa Higgins eat this shit right up though because cut to Mama Higgs holding hands with Lauren. (Remembs when leftover twin met the parents, LoL) Lauren tells Ben that marriage is a big commitment for her—and I’m guessing not just a gimmick for ratings on a poorly produced after-show. ZING, Pastor Denny. They both agree that they’ve never really faced real-life problems, so they can’t wait to get married tomorrow. Recipe for a Neil Lane ring return if ya know what I mean.

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JoJo meets the parents Higgins next and they don’t really think anyone could compete with perfect Lauren. Case in point, Ben tells them in detail about times he’ll never forget, like when they boned “cuddled for a while”. JoJo is like hey Ben; let’s not tell your parents about our sexy times, I’m trying to get them to like me. Seriously, Ben what don’t you tell your parents? JoJo tears up with Mr. Higgins talking about how much she loves Ben. Then when she tells Mama Higgs Ben loves her, the resulting reaction all but blows Ben’s cover. Mama ain’t so stealth. She also holds JoJo’s hand… but not as much as Lauren’s.

Ben breaks it down with his parents after and they basically tell him Godspeed. Props to Mr. Higgins for using every variation of girl an old man could use. “Young lady” and “gal” amongst others.

On the final day of dates, Ben has the same conversation with two girls and ABC tries to trick us into thinking they have enough original content to fill up two hours of programming. Spoiler alert: they don’t. Ben and Lauren lay on boat hammocks then move to the beach that they are docked 1 foot from to whine more about their first world problems. Ben is afraid that their relationship is TOO perfect. Ugh, h8 when that happens. Later at “dinner”, Lauren wears a nice black evening gown and Ben wears a hoodie. Quick preview into the rest of your life, Lauren. You look great, she tells him, because she’s obligated to return the compliment he just gave her. They sigh a lot and cry because I don’t know if you’ve heard this or not but BEN LOVES TWO GIRLS AND HE’S SO CONFLICTED.

On JoJo’s last date, she gets a recycled waterfall scenery for her relationship turmoil and self-doubt with Ben. Since when does Jamaica drive on the opposite side of the road like the UK? Is this a new thing? Am I really dumb? Don’t answer that. Jamaica is also a place where strange men chase after your car just to say hello. Yeahhhhh…..righhhhttt. JoJo and Ben talk about how hilarious Ben’s parents are. Did I miss something? Were they like ha-ha funny, JoJo, or taking a bottle of wine to the dome funny? Jk that was your mom, the queen of diffusing uncomfy situations like a boss. Anyway, BoJo (wouldn’t it be fun if this was their couple name?) waterfall jumps again. Ben doesn’t land on top of JoJo in the water and therefore it’s boring. Later, JoJo is starting to catch on that Ben loves Lauren, I’m assuming after Mama Higgins basically slipped her a tape of Ben telling Lauren he loves her when they chatted earlier. Ben reassures JoJo that he loves her and nothing is wrong, even going so far as to sit on the bathroom floor with her in a luxury suite of a resort. THAT’S COMMITMENT. JoJo feels like a damn fool and Ben’s like I feel you, boo. Props for JoJo for calling him out. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE BEN, YOU BIG LIAR WHO TELLS LIES. Ben is tormented when he leaves because he just feels soooooo lost.

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The morning of the proposal, Ben meets with Neil, can’t tell him who his future wife is but then 3 seconds later it just comes to him, or something. What doesn’t come to him is a sense of style when he picked out the diamond that will be splashed all over US Weekly covers. Yikes that ring is ugly, no offense Neil. You get paid either way. 90% of Twitter males and females agreed with me, so I’m not out of line by saying this ring kinda sucks.

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While Ben is choosing a goo-riffic ring that’s worth millions of dollars, the girls’ put on their ball gowns and brush their throats with makeup (wtf Lauren?) then get into the chopper. JoJo’s dress is a bad prom getup but at least her overly bronzed cleavage got a lot of camera play. What a boner jam treat for the male viewers.

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Obviously we all knew what was coming when JoJo arrives first, but no one quite predicted how badly Ben would botch this TV breakup. He stumbles and stutters but the one thing that comes out crystal clear is, “I found love with you but I found it with somebody else more.” YIKES. There was definitely a better way to say that, bro. JoJo obviously cries and feels like a dum dum. Ben makes it worse by following her to the limo and sputtering “JoJo, I…JoJo…”

He gets over it real quick though because there were only 5 minutes left and he had to get to stepping to give that ring out. Covered in Jamaican heat sweat, (and possibly an ice pack wedged in his butt crack?), Ben calls Lauren’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage. What a sweaty gent. Lauren definitely shits herself on the copter ride over and hopefully they have a cleanup team on call because nothing ruins a romantic island proposal faster than a gown full of poop.

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They get engaged, Lauren pretends to like the ring and then repeats her infamous “you’re my person” line no less than 10 times and Ben says it back. Enough is enough with this quote. It originated on Grey’s Anatomy for two BFF’s. It does not apply to reality show contestants who have an over under 3-month bet on their relationship lasting.

At the after show, as you might have guessed, Ben and Lauren want to try going on a real life date before they agree to a live surprise wedding, so thanks for coming out Pastor Denny, I’m sure it was really tough for you to creep us all out with your stony face for 3 hours. Also JOJO IS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!!!! HEY, LET’S CUT TO THE PASTOR SO WE CAN SEE HIS REACTION! No, really. That’s a thing they did. Also Ben re-proposes because they didn’t actually get married right there and producers were scrambling to draw out the airtime. Quick, Chris try out your best standup material: “maybe JoJo will fall in love with THREE guys next season. HA-Ha-HA.” And we’re out. For a couple of months, at least.

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Thanks for reading, thanks for making fun of this dumb show with me and special shout out to KBell for taking home the W in my first ever Bachelor bracket. Not proud to admit that I picked Becca to win it all when it was an obvious Lauren sweep. (This definitely doesn’t keep me up at night or anything.) Kay, done being a sore loser. CONGRATS KATIE BELL! You’ve earned bragging rights until the premiere of The Bachelorette, when I come back for revenge. (Too much, too little, just enough?)

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Objection Your Honor”

Erika

“Just relax girl, you don’t have to hit us over the f****ing head with your personality.”

I love Erika. I love her in a, I would probably never get along with her but she’s the only honest bitch in this pack of hoo-ha’s, kind of way. Erika hosts her first dinner party solely so that these gossipy hags can meet her old AF husband and probably insert their opinions all over the joint about him. Pre-dinner, Erika chitchats with her makeup guys—who just so happen to be wearing shirts with “Erika Jayne” printed on the back in Pussycat Dolls font. Slay.

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Instead of pretending like she’d just prefer to have her top chef cater the party, Erika comes clean and admits, “Here’s the thing, I don’t cook.” Own it, grl. Erika even allows Rinna to strut into her house wearing a leopard dress. Rinna has the nerve to be pissed that everyone’s jackin her leopard thing. That’s my latest update in ladies who think they own patterns/colors. Lookin at you, Vanderpump.

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In the end, there isn’t a throw down over Sammi Sweetheart’s signature style on two grown women. What’s even more shocking is that Kyle is Jewish. Since when is Kyle Jewish?! Have I been ignoring this for several seasons? Anyway, she can’t come because she has Yom Kippur. Eileen can’t come because she has a real job. (This is becoming a real trend here, wtf Eileen?!)

Kathryn starts off the evening on a hot streak when she tells the hired help that Rinna doesn’t eat so don’t bother offering her apps. Rinna handles it by telling her to stop pretty aggressively. In Kathryn world, stop means ALL SIGNS GO because she hammers on Rinna to eat two breadsticks at dinner in front of the group. She’s all, Gawd, Rinna HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR. This is red flag numero uno that Kathryn is a real crazy bitch. The dinner pretty much spirals into Kathryn vs. everybody and yikes is she the worst. She yells, points fingers, LoLz at eating disorders, tries to force a friendship with Erika full of fake eyelashes and then makes a heel turn to tell Erika she’s not winning this fight.

Lisa attends the dinner pretty much just so she can flirt with Tom, make more spider web “nonsense” comments and bounce for a supposed charity event. What Lisa doesn’t remember is that Tom does NOT like to be interrupted. He basically tells her to shut up because she tries to cut him off. SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER. He almost put a muzzle on Erika at their last dinner outing. Do NOT speak out of turn around Tommyboy. Since Ken only attends things to over-defend his wife with offensive comments when she doesn’t really need any help, he plays his part here. Ken tells Tom he’s acting like a judge when really he’s only a lawyer. Ohhh, Zing. Go back to sleep, Ken. Props to whoever wrote that line for him though. Emmy-worthy dialogue. Almost as good as Tom’s stunned interjection of “Do you guys do this all the time?” Yes, Tom. This is what the Housewives franchise was built on. Stop watching Perry Mason and get with the program.

Later in the week, Kyle & Erika play pickle ball, which is essentially a made up sport. They sip lemonade afterward and talk about how they should jet off to Dubai. When discussing the dinner party, we learn that Erika’s husband was pissed at her because she’s not allowed to have friends who behave like that. Or she’s not allowed to behave like that? I’m not following. Either way, her husband is controlling her and as a friend (a person who watches her on TV), I’d like to tell her I’m quite concerned.

Meanwhile, Kathryn tells her hubby that she’s going to try and be more feminine and less like bull in china shop. Also we get to see his abs gratuitously. Lick. Then we follow Kathryn to her hearing checkup. Even though Kathryn’s kind of a turd, it’s important to remember that she can’t hear at dinner parties. Feel bad for her.

I don’t feel bad for Rinna, who has essentially morphed from one of my favorite kewl chicks to this season’s Kim. She rarely makes sense, she’s pretty paranoid and I’m not really sure that anyone else on this show likes her. Eileen might be the newest to start distancing herself from Rinna after their visit to the beach. This is where Rinna spews some “come to Jesus” stuff about Lisa and Kyle starting the whole Munchausen thing and essentially saying she doesn’t doubt that Yolanda’s sick, but she totally doubts that Yolanda’s sick. Eileen is like why do you have so many trust issues you psychopath?

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Yo and Kyle discuss email etiquette, when to CC, when to blind CC and when to start an email with “Happy Friday!” and move on with their lives. Supposedly.

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After the charity Soul Cycle from hell, Kyle and Mauricio SOMEHOW still get all the ladies to agree to paint a house, Habitat for Housewifery style. I still don’t quite understand how these two got everyone to sign on for this; I mean do we think they promised that Donnie would work on the roof without a shirt or something? Lisa and Kyle think it’s their own personal open mic night and test out a few web jokes for Erika. Ba-dum-ch—she hates them and doesn’t laugh once. Not one to allow a joke to land flat as much as Kyle does, Lisa puts an end to the web talk. Erika and Kathryn put an even bigger end to the spidery comments when they yell at each other a lot and don’t even pretend to help paint this person’s house. I hope the residents of that house sat on their couch last night watching this and wondering if their trim ever got finished. Kathryn was adamant that her narc status did no harm and Erika is adamant that Kathryn sucks. (Samesies.) Eileen and Rinna are on Team Erika and TEAM WOMEN EVERYWHERE. GOSSIP IS NOT MEANT TO BE REPEATED. In the typical housewife way, they fake hug it out and everyone is ALL GUD. Except for Tom Girardi, who stays up at night plotting to get back at the women who have dared to interrupt him.

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Not Easy To Love”

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What was once one of my favorite housewives traditions has been dumped on this season with one fell swoop. The dinner party used to be as sacred housewives event chock full of catered meals the host pretended to cook, dirty looks and drama invented over whose place card had a heart and whose didn’t. Well, not anymore. Now that Yolanda has been incapacitated with lyme-ness, she hasn’t been able to throw one of her famously douchey dinner parties with her creepy counterpart in an entire year. We’ve gone a whole year without David forcing Yolanda’s friends to sing and then quickly telling them they better not once he hears their terrible voices. Anyway, Yolanda tries to bring the old dinner party magic back and it goes horribly, horribly wrong. Why? Because everyone hates each other. Kyle and Lisa meet up beforehand to strategize how fake they’re going to act to Yolanda and once everyone arrives at the restaurant they make the sound decision to address their beefs right there at the table.

Upon greeting Yolanda, Lisa would like to make sure she’s forgiven for something that she NEVER did because Lisa has NEVER done anything wrong. Yolanda cries. Hot start to dinner. Then she asks Eileen if they’re good or not for the 100th time and for the grand finale, Lisa confronts Erika to talk about the cobwebs she weaves from her 68 year old vagina, or something. DON’T GET CAUGHT IN LISA’S WEB, KEN. Erika, my glittery blonde Barbie holds her own with her first dinner party attack…EVEN THOUGH she was up at 4AM patting dat puss.

At the other end of the table, Eileen is still steaming about Lisa’s bullshit. Then Kathryn is called down to repeat what Erika said again so Rinna can be part of the drama. Next, Eileen and Rinna start having conflict because Rinna won’t agree that Lisa is a shady MF’er. Are you keeping up with all this? No, of course not, because this is dumber than a bunch of 11 year olds gossiping over their lunchables in middle school. What’s even worse is that the only adult of the group, who owns up to what she says, Miss Erika “I Woke Up Like This” Jayne, is like WTF Kathryn, I assumed our conversation was confidential. And Kathryn’s like nah I repeat everything, so that’s on you. So basically Kathryn’s a shitty gossiper, and therefore a terrible woman. What female doesn’t know the hard and fast rules of talking shit? Nice knowin ya, Kathryn. You won’t be back next season.

What’s the perfect dessert for a dinner full of immature bitches choosing sides of the table? A private room performance from one of the classically greatest voices in the world, of course. Seriously, this group of turds gets to listen to Andrea Bocelli perform Ave Maria like he’s a jazz singer at a nightclub. How undeserving. Kyle sees this as a sign from her mom to go check on Kim and also cries. Rinna calls it f****ing SURREAL. Classy reaction from a classy broad.

After this dumb dinner party that wasn’t even exciting and disgraced the reputation of a Yo dinner party, the rest of the episode was essentially inconsequential. Rinna freaks out about her daughter’s tonsillectomy and her daughter requested she buy a wheelchair upon her recovery, so at least she’s not being dramatic. Kyle pretends to cook dinner for her kids and dog to eat off the table and announces she’d like to check out her heritage in Ireland. Mauricio’s like great, we’ll buy a house there, probably. Lisa shows America how obsessed she is with Yolanda’s ex-husband Mohammed as he builds her a pink playhouse for her backyard. I’m assuming this will be the ponies’ main residence. Eileen meets up with Erika and Yolanda to rehash her Lisa beef even more than I thought could be possible.

In the theme of beating a dead horse, Kim also comes out of the shadows and makes a physical appearance rather than just a verbal appearance spewing out of Rinna’s mouth. (LoL at Rinna suggesting she send Kim a birthday text. Maybe she should add the wine glass emoji for laughs? “Ha-Ha Happy Birthday Kim, remember that time I hulk-smashed a wine glass right in your face? Hope you’re sober xoxo, Rinna.”) Kim visits Kyle to have a “healthy conversation”, which in Bravo speak is: show every embarrassing and hurtful clip of these two fighting over the past 5 years that we can get our grubby hands on. Welcome back, Kim!

Out of all this garbage, one shocking fact from this episode shone through and I’d like to address it head on. Kathryn met up with her sisters for lunch and they talked about their family and mom and blah blah blah but Kathryn informed us that all four children in her family were conceived on birth control. WHAT. THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE. This should be on a sign in my gynecologists’ office. Hey birth control is fun and stuff, but essentially DOES NOTHING. I mean seriously, once a year I pay to have someone probe around my downstairs with a metal clamp just so I can get a prescription to something that doesn’t even work?! Have a nice week everyone and close your legs unless you want babies!

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- I Love You, I LOVE YOU ALL!

pinkshirtponders

“I’m gonna try to find my wife in one of the most romantic places in the world, doing some of the most romantic things.”

I was salivating at the chance to dive right into Ben taking three girls to poundtown on consecutive nights but unfortunately first we had to listen to him recap how he felt about each girl (FROM THE BEGINNING) in an electric pink button down. Not only was he yelling because the ocean locale was less than ideal for filming, but he also apparently forgot WE’VE BEEN WATCHING ALL SEASON and probably don’t need to be reminded of the three girls left.

CAILA

Finally, it’s date time and the first one is a doozy. Ben takes Caila rafting down a murky river to the tune of ethnic flutes. Thank God for the native soundtrack because otherwise we’d be listening to crickets, literally. After rapping back and forth about how exciting the day is, they’ve run out of things to talk about. I half expected Ben to be like, look…a tree! Ben uses his buzzword of the episode “emotional rollercoaster” to ask if Caila is ok. She’s not ok, which is fine because she’s as good as gone anyway.

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Later on, Ben’s like WTF was today? And Caila’s like I’m scared and then she tells Ben she’s in love with him and they smooch and violins play. Caila knowingly tells the camera that she’s in love with Ben, “when we take a deep breath together,” and she’s reassured because, “I can feel in his breath that he feels the same.” Apparently since Ben and Caila can’t hold a conversation, they’ve had a lot of experience just breathing on each other. That’s love. Ben invites her to the fantasy suite and fireworks go off during their foreplay. Thanks for that, ABC.

The morning after, Ben asks if Caila wakes up looking this beautiful every morning and she gives him a sly smile. Good answer, Caila. Good answer. And that’s how you trap a man when makeup and hair are on standby. Ben does the walk of shame right to his date with Lauren – oh the joys of Fantasy Suites.

 

LAUREN

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Ben and Lauren (who’s wearing shorts so tight and far up her asshole that she’s waddling) save baby sea turtles and it’s probably the cutest date ever. Way better than Caila’s silent log jam followed by a pile of meats on a table. But then Lauren has to ruin it by saying she’s going to be with Ben as long as the turtles will live. Do the math, Lauren. Don’t be a moron.

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Ben tells Lauren she’s too good for him (yikes) then they frolic in the ocean and probably (definitely) stomp on a bunch of the baby turtles they just returned to the water. There’s a double rainbow, obviously.

At night, in a tropical crop coord, Lauren tells Ben the same exact thing Caila told him one night earlier. Because Ben is a dud, he does not understand that every woman is threatened by him having sex with two other girls at the same time. BUT, if there’s one thing these two need, it’s S-E-X and you betcha Chris Harrison is gonna deliver that fantasy suite in his swoopy female handwriting. After Lauren lays down the groundwork with a couple “you’re the man of my dreams”, she sees that Sandals suite and goes for the big reveal. Even bigger…Ben SAYS IT BACK. And not even just in a “love you too, grl” way. Ben says, “I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while as well.” Now that they’re two consenting adults in love, I said a bang, bang, bangity, bang. (No fireworks though…sux 4 you.)

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In the AM, Ben brings Lauren coffee in bed like a MF’ing dreamboat. They sip in front of their private pool, where Ben lays the L word on her again. What a renegade! Who would’ve thunk shy, unlovable B.Higgs would be such an I Love You rule breaker. As he heads to his third romp of the trip, he muses that telling Lauren he loves her complicated things. Oh, RLY, Ben? Special shoutout to ABC for thinking shutting the door and making sleepover innuendos aren’t enough for us to get it…this pan to Lauren’s dress on the floor was just shy of hearing Lauren orgasm with a mic pack on ala Kaitlyn Bristowe’s season.

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JOJO

Since these women are on a strong path to making me feel like a hippo, JoJo is the second girl in this episode to leap into Ben’s arms. Wut3v3r. They take a copter right on over to a Jamaican waterfall where naturally they cliff jump togets. Metaphors, amirite? They take the plunge, which gives JoJo the courage to say she loves Ben (but she didn’t say he was her person.) Ben says I love you too and JoJo’s like SAY WHAT?! So he repeats it. DAAAAMMMNNN, BENNY, back at it again with the I LOVE YOUS!

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Later, JoJo reiterates how shocked she is that Ben broke #1 Bach rule and confessed his love. This is BEFORE she realizes she got a sloppy seconds I love you. Tossing it back to the hometown date, Ben addresses the fact that JoJo’s brothers are D-bags and JoJo’s like oh they’re just overprotective and would murder anyone who ever broke my <3. Aaand I bet this is around the time Ben starts to regret playing it fast and loose with the love-whoring. In the fantasy suite, JoJo rambles on and on in a bikini about how much she loves Ben while they prepare to become lovahs in their private hot tub.

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The next morning JoJo thanks Ben for being honest about his feelings and he’s like yes we’re on the same page now. Did JoJo tell another girl she loves her and I missed it? Darn. Not sure that page is quite the same.

In a plot twist, Caila wants to surprise Ben, which is kind of sad because he’s already basically forgotten about her at this point. I mean she was dunzo the minute she turned into a mute on their date. She sneaks up on Ben and puts her hand over his face for a surprise kiss. What a risky hello.

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Ben’s like oh great timing, I don’t love you—and in brutal TV dumpings, Caila has essentially walked right into this one—or galloped, in a bikini top, obv. She gets in the car then whiplash gets out and wants to know if he knew this whole time. AKA Caila wants to know if he boinked her when he knew he was sending her home. Ben may think it’s AOK to tell two girls he loves them on TV, but at least he knows enough to lie here. Caila cries a lot in the car ride home and still looks beautiful and God help us if she’s the next Bachelorette. I can’t take this sunshine chick on uppers persona for another full season.

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At the useless rose ceremony (that they still feel the need to draw out with dramatic music), Chris Harrison finds out that Ben L-bombed them both and pops a bag of popcorn for the big show. Gotta wait two weeks for that!

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Spinning a Web”

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Before everyone verbally curb stomps each other this week, let’s first work out some aggression with a trendy Soul Cycle fundraiser for Kyle and Mauricio. No, not for THEM—for Habitat for Humanity OF COURSE! If they didn’t announce where the money was being donated, I would have to assume the real charity here is spending an hour with Russ, a fabulous gay wearing a skull and crossbones headband yelling at you to go harder as he dances on the bike to Katy Perry. Lisa agrees with me when she’s like okay where do I drop the check, see ya! Lisa’s effort level in this spin class is right on par with how hard I tried the 2 times I’ve taken Zumba in my life. It’s more about the social aspect and beats, less about the actual exercise.

Eileen meets the girls at lunch after their charitable trip to the gym because she had to work. WINK, WINK. Just kitten, she probably was totes actually working considering she’s the only one with a job in this group of lassies. She can’t really afford to take a spin class on a weekday afternoon. There’s some light banter about her latest shower sex scene in Salem or whatever fictional soap town she’s at these days. But wait a second, party’s not over yet. Kathryn sees you a steamy fake shower makeout, and raises you two tickets to the gun show. That’s right, she whips those bad boys out right at the table with no concerns as to what the gun policy is at the restaurant.

It’s a good thing Kathryn finally locks those away because what ensues next definitely doesn’t need anymore ammo. Kyle turns into a third grader with the ole, no one will notice if I turn to the person next to me at lunch and whisper yell something controversial. C’mon Kyle…at least text Lisa, it’s still obvious but you’d probably be less likely to start a war with Yolanda. Some passive aggressive bitching takes place about the Rinna vs. Yolanda saga. Yo tells Kyle that she’s butting in where she doesn’t belong; Kyle tells Yo that she’s being rude. Kathryn notes a tone in Yo’s voice. (Hey Kathryn, go back to kissing your biceps, pls.) And I want to stab myself and bleed out if I hear the word Munchausen’s one more G-D time. The lunch ends awkwardly.

While everyone is fighting over Rinna at lunch, she’s busy guest-starring on Jenny McCarthy’s dirty birdie Sirius show—where a typical topic of convo is about strap-ons. Rinna’s like oopsie my mouth keeps goin and gettin me into trouble, LoL! Ok, Rinna.

Later on, Kathryn and Erika eat takeout salads and cinnamon rolls before they work out. Kathryn doesn’t even properly appreciate the Cinnabon and treats their hang like a job interview, telling Erika to describe her strengths and weaknesses. Erika opens up about how she was mean girl’ed a lot when she was younger and her BFF was her grandma until she died. Kathryn is like I can replace her! Let’s cool our heels, Kathryn. You’re getting paid to hang out with Erika at the moment. Then the two talk about how Lisa is a shiesty MF’er.

Oh, and Yolanda email-burned Kyle and CC’ed everyone else on it. Not blind CC’ed, not accidentally replied all, loud and proud copied everyone on Kyle’s written spanking. (Have I mentioned how much I love Yolanda?) The producers have each housewife round robin read it. What a fun story time hour!

In order to properly celebrate the birthday that Lisa doesn’t want to draw attention to, she floats on a pink flamingo in her pool and makes her hired help bring her a cup of tea. Then she brings the girls down to her personal wine bar just so they can look at it, and then cuddle her new puppy “Schnooki”. Even though there are enough animals at the Vanderpump Estate to make up a traveling circus, Kathryn really wanted to get Lisa something that she wasn’t expecting. That’s why she tells Lisa her and Erika talked shit about her. HapPy BiRtHdAy Gurllllll! Everyone’s like what’s that? And Kathryn’s all, yeah Erika told me not to get caught in Vanderpump’s web, but more importantly she shed six years. I know, because I counted. Then collected them in a jar. Then Eileen stepped in and tried to back Erika up but basically just shoots herself in the foot and restarts her feud with Lisa from the Hamptons. I went through my bank statements dating back to 2014 because it’s infinitely more interesting than this new fight. THE END.

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The Bachelor- Crybaby Ben

 

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Laguna Beach, California with Amanda

Ben wears tight brown capris and perches atop a rock like he’s Ariel awaiting his prince to come ashore in Laguna Beach. He slides a fork through his hair and sings Part of Your World. Amanda enters stage left by running toward Ben on the beach in an off-the-shoulder peasant top that might have been featured on an epi of MTV’s Laguna back in 2004. Ben asks about Amanda’s kids and she unfortunately doesn’t lie. She tells Ben that her daughter has an attitude and really sells the whole becoming an instant dad scenario.

The kiddies arrive in matching outfits, pigtails & gladiator sandals that are taller than their legs. It seems a little inapprops for beach footwear for anyone, especially toddlers. Ben does the perfect “everything these kids do is adorbs” act and even fake chases them around/makes a shitty octopus in the sand and says it looks good. The worst thing about kids is how much they suck at everything and you have to tell them they’re amazing. What’s even worse is that Ben didn’t properly teach the little nugget how to wet the sand before sculpting.

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On the drive back to Amanda’s parents’ house, one child with a whimsical and non-traditional name cries the whole way. No better way to dive into parenting than dealing with a screamer in an enclosed space! The visit with Gram and Gramps consists completely of Ben being lectured about the consequences of having a 3-week TV relationship turn into an engagement when two kids are involved…WOMP WOMPPP. Ben reads the little runts a bedtime story written by ABC about how Ben kisses a bunch of princesses in the same night to find his true love. There’s a group hug and they all live happily ever after. JK she’s toast. 

Portland, Oregon with Lauren

In the city of roses, Ben is wearing a dad blazer over a long sleeve shirt and when he uses a flight attendant metaphor to feed Lauren a grilled cheese I think it was my last straw. I can’t support Ben anymore. He’s such a lamewad. If anyone teased me with a grilled cheese, I’d bite their hand clean off their body.

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The most embarrassing thing about Lauren’s family is that they call her LoLo; otherwise they’re pretty normz. Sis takes Ben aside and points out a number of reasons why Lauren’s such an F’ing catch and asks Ben what about Lauren stands out to him. Ben replies, I don’t know I just really like her. He realizes what a dumb answer this is so he starts crying and it works. Sis is sold. THE TEARS SAY IT ALL. Dad tells his lil LoLo that it’s not a great idea to fall in love with a guy who’s dating other women. Seems like pretty sound advice. When he tries to question Ben’s intentions, that sneaky rat works up a teary eye again and gets out of giving any real answers. It would be the MOST quality TV to put all the protective dads together in one room with Ben and watch him cry his way out of that scenario. #RATINGS. 

Hudson, Ohio with Caila

As you recall, this isn’t really Caila’s hometown because she moved around a lot and naturally this made her think Ben would dump her real hard. They make out on a bench and then design a toy house together, cause Caila’s dad is Mr. Duncan.

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Caila spends this date anticipating a toy house mack sesh. You know what they say Caila, if you build it, he will tongue. So they hit the factory to pretend they can operate machinery in a production line. Ben seeing Caila in a hard hat makes HIM hard. See what I did there? He carries her out of the factory but demands that she keep the hard hat on for some construction related fantasies.

At Caila’s house, we’re all reminded Caila isn’t white. Yay for diversity, ABC! Caila’s dad gives Ben advice on being a white boy marrying a Filipino & also calls his marriage “magical”, which is concerning to say the least. Caila’s mom is her TWIN, except for the whole braces thing. Ben talks to Mom and describes getting to know Caila as “cool”. Ben is almost as bad as leftover twin at impressing parents. Meanwhile, Caila gets SUPER emosh in her chat with Daddy as she tells Daddy that she loves Ben and he’s the one. Then she whispers the same to Mommy. If I had known she was going to annoyingly whine mommy and daddy a bunch of times, I would’ve turned it into a drinking game. Caila’s mom tells her to fess up with her love and obviously we’re 3 for 3 of girls confessing their love to everyone but Ben.

Dallas, Texas with JoJo

JoJo finds roses and a letter on her doorstep and it takes her FAR too long into reading it to figure out it’s from her ex-bf Chad and NOT Ben. PLOT TWIST. She paces around her apt and cries a lot in dramatic meltdown mode then calls Chad on speaker so we can all hear. Obviously now that JoJo is reality famous, Chad would like a second chance and more Instagram followers. It just so happens that her little dramatic phone call takes place moments before Ben arrives. Timing, amirite?! JoJo fesses up that she called Chad to end things and talk about how HAPPY she is with Ben and his other girlfriends. She tells Ben that her family is going to love him and BOY is that a lie.

When JoJo walks into her mansion, her brothers basically tackle her to the ground with aggressive double cheek kisses and I get a REAL Folgers weird sibling commercial vibe. They’re so distracted loving on JoJo that she has to keep yelling at everyone to greet Ben. What a hot start.

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At dinner we get our first taste of the overly protective Brothers Fletcher when they tell Ben he would need to move to Dallas if he picks their sister. Ben’s like k sounds good. Then JoJo and mama have a super realistic discussion where it’s clear that her mom doesn’t understand how this show works. Mom tells her daughter that there’s no way she’ll get hurt because she’s beautiful. It’s such mom logic it makes me laugh out loud. It’s about as truthful as my Gams telling me I could be a model. Oh JoJo’s mom, just you wait and see. Regardless, keeping on par with the mom advice of this episode, she tells JoJo to put her heart out there. On the other hand, the bros tag team Joelle to tell her to reel it in because she’s only been on 2 dates with this guy. JoJo’s sister contributes nothing. In fact, she might have left after dinner once she realized her brothers were putting on a show for TV ratings.

Behind JoJo’s back there’s some tensions in the kitchen as her mom takes a knee with a bottle of wine and one of the brothers (Ben?) challenges Higgi for toying with female emotions. When Ben is called on his BS diplomatic answers, he pretty much poops his pants and gets right outta there. JoJo follows suit with not telling Ben she loves him and OMG BEN IS SO UNLOVABLE BECAUSE NO ONE TOLD HIM HOW THEY FEEL!

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Roses: Lauren, Caila, JoJo (who looks like a smokeshow—probably to make up for her d-bag brothas.)

I mean we all knew who was going to go home…even before US Weekly ruined it a full week in advance. Nice goin.

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Amanda’s rightfully like why did you bring me back to LA to humiliate me and send me right back home? Uh, how about WHY DID HE MEET YOUR KIDS WHEN HE KNEW HE DIDN’T WANT TO BE A DAD? Anyway, Ben cries and babbles about how much he cares even though he met her kids and dumped her.

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BONUS: LoLo’s baby bros ask Ben if he plans on banging one out with her in the fantasy suite.

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- A Carnival of Butts

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You’re never fully a housewife until we’ve seen your digs and Kathryn has officially been initiated. Since she has more than one abode, we got a peek at her “San Diego house” and it’s plush with holy Jerusalem stone and Italian marble. There’s even an infrared sauna, which everyone apparently has…well everyone except for Rinna. She probably can’t afford it with her QVC income but she knows she WANTS one. Ask her what an infrared sauna does and she would not be able to tell you but she does know that it does good stuff. So that’s all that matters.

During lunch at the San Diego “party house”, Eileen casually brings up how she’s been up all night tossing and turning trying to figure out who narc’ed to Yolanda. If you’ll recall, Erika flat out lied about it last week, but this week she owns up in that queen top bun of hers. “I told Yolanda and also this salad is amazing,” is all that needs to be said to move on to a very awkward and forced discussion about the food. This spins into a ha-ha but really actually serious conversation about how Rinna never eats. LoL Rinna eats once a year but also everyone would like to know why she’s discussing an eating disorder like a knock-knock joke. Cue the tossback to Kim telling Rinna to eat a piece of bread in Amsterdam and now we’ve full-on dove into a Kim tell-all for the new ladies who don’t care at all what happened last season but the producers told them to ask. Rinna puts a spin zone on her hulk-smashing of a wineglass off the table way back when but conveniently can’t really get into it with Kyle sitting right there. So Kyle dramatically excuses herself and sits in the other room with Lisa while the rest of the unaware dum dums continue their discussion of her sister on the patio. Does this really need to happen? I don’t think anyone is picking up this show right this second, so we’ve all SEEN this and don’t want to relive it. However, since they’re clearly stuck for storylines and there’s only so much Lyme disease we can talk about (that will be coming later on), we need to vet out characters and storylines past.

ALSO, so Kathryn can turn on her tears real quick and share with the group that her dad committed suicide when she was 13 and struggled with addiction, so that’s why she felt the need to insert herself into the Richards sister triangle of hate. The other room eavesdroppers enter back into the scene and are like omg, what did we miss? The real takeaway here is that everyone thinks Kathryn has a beautiful cry face and Rinna has a disgusting one.

After the trip, the Girardi’s and Vanderpumps have dinner. Or more accurately, they meet up to assess and judge each other one on one. Thankfully, Lisa approves of Erika’s husband and when Lisa approves of something you never need to worry, dahling. It’s probable that she likes Tom so much because he’s shamelessly slobbering all over her. At one point I wonder if maybe Ken and Erika should leave those two alone, but after seeing how Tom reacts when Erika interrupts him I dare not suggest that she leave a dinner unannounced. Tom telling Erika that it was not her turn to speak had a VERY dad hit mom at the dinner table and everyone’s acting like it’s fine feel to it.

This just in: Adrienne needs a paycheck and a platform to promote her new skincare line, so here she is lunching with Kyle. They’re wearing the same color HAHA, #twinsies. After Adrienne tells us where we can purchase her product, the gals dish some more about Kim and Kyle cries a lot. At the same time, Rinna shows her daughters some poems her sister wrote. It’s an ideal time to do so because Rinna’s sister died of an overdose and addiction is a hot button topic this episode. Obviously these poems relate back to Rinna talking about Kim and how deeply this affects her still.

But enough about addiction, it’s time to talk about Lyme disease again at Erika’s backyard banger. Take notes, Kyle, because BBQ’s should be more like this…with carnival games and gay men splashing about in the pool. Erika has a glam squad prepare her for the event after shitting all over Kyle for wearing a gown to her own BBQ so this seems hypocritical. Mikey is on standby to say things like, “Queen of everything has arrived, to her own party,” and watch Erika eat juicy corn on a stick so close to her Cavalli cover-up in horror.

Eileen shows up in a bikini/dress with abs and hips and cleavage for days. She proudly reveals that Erika took her shopping. It’s so cute how much Eileen wants to be just like Erika. Get down with your bad self, grl. Yolanda stole a white pantsuit from GiGi’s closet and it fits her perfectly, of course. Locky, a dancer for Katy Perry twerks by the side of the pool. GANG’S ALL HERE!

The girls all gather round the picnic table to talk about why Ken follows Lisa everywhere. Just kidding, they talk about Mowshen disease of course…and every other variation that Yolanda and her regal accent can come up with. Rinna’s like you still mad, Yo? And the answer is a hard yes. There’s a lot of shouting about munch-hausen-frausen and it’s nothing we haven’t heard before. It’s such a dumb fight that cutting to Donnie explaining football to Ken is a welcome interruption. Ken smiles politely while trying to keep an ear to the drama just in case he’s needed to make an insensitive comment or insult anyone who looks at Lisa wrong. The climax comes when Erika shouts “TELL US WHO SAID IT!!!!” to Rinna. Rinna doesn’t tell and then her and Yo hug it out. It’s funny because they were slinging spite to each other last week on Twitter, so that hug was about as useful as underwear is to Erika Jayne.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Welcome to the Orthopedic Capital

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Come one, come all (JK, not you, Olivia) to Warsaw Indiana, where Ben had his first kiss and first job and drives a shiny red 1950 Chevy around town with a camera crew behind him. WELCOME! In a quaint little diner that makes eggs, EGGS, YOU GUYS!!! Ben reunites with his parents who he 100% calls before bed every night to talk about all of his girlfriends. He describes each girl and JoJo is the only one he calls GORGEOUS, so everyone else should probably kill themselves.

Before they can contemplate it, Ben picks the ladies up in a boat and shouts WELCOME HOME! They all word vomit the obligatory, “I can totally see myself raising a family here!” Cool it, ladies. Ben lives in Denver. Leftover twin overcompensates by saying she’s ready to start poppin em out and you can tell even the cameraman is like oh, honey. Ben points out that his childhood home is right around the corner, then makes a creepy joke that the ladies shouldn’t look in his parent’s windows because they might be banging. WTF BEN?

Volunteer Time with Lauren B.

Ben drives Lauren B. around town in his vintage rental and tells her embarrassing stories about how he didn’t practice frenching on his hand in 7th grade and therefore had to ask his girlfriend how to kiss. She laughed right in his face, obviously. So does Lauren B. Ben brings Lauren B. to the youth center to log some community service and even though this date is my LITERAL NIGHTMARE with how many kids are swarming them, Lauren is a CHAMP. She grooves a little double Dutch with the kiddies and basically has a pack of girls braiding her hair by the end of the day…which is essentially the only reason to become a camp counselor (infinite head tickles.)

LAUREN B.

They shine the spotlight on half court Ronnie, who will probably have his own reality show by week’s end and the couple macks in front of all the children. I get that we’re trying to make every woman’s ovaries burst from this segment but NOT EVERYONE LOVES KIDS, OKAY, ABC? Why are they constantly screaming at the camera. The mic is right there…no need to shout or use baby talk when you’re like 12. Ugh, anyway Ben is super with crying kids and also the Indiana Pacers show up. Lauren pretends to be a huge Pacers fan. Is there such a thing? Later, Ben and Lauren B agree that dumb bitch Leah made up garbage rumors last week and they’re all Gucci now. PS Lauren B admits she’s TOTES in love with Ben. But not just any Ben…WARSAW BEN. (This sounds like the character name of a murderer.)

“Let’s Find Love in the Windy City” with JoJo

JoJo immediately wraps her legs all up in Ben once she arrives in Chi-town and I already hate her. Dainty girls who can do that are soo0oo0oo lame. You know? Anyway, it’s JoJo’s first time in Chicago and instead of showing her the sights and deep-dish pizza; Ben takes her to Wrigley Field to fulfill his lifelong dream to be inside it. And you guys won’t believe it…Wrigley Field talks to them and invites them in!!!! It’s like SMART HOUSE!

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So Ben doesn’t look completely selfish in how this date was planned, he gives JoJo a “Mrs. Higgins” Cubs jersey to wear. This seems like a real cocktease. Multiple girls are calling you their boyfriend and saying they see a future with you, Ben, there’s no need to lead them on more. Either way it works because they round the bases together. Wink, Wink. Since ABC rented the field for the day, they have to eat dinner there too. I can’t believe these two spent a whole day at Wrigley Field and didn’t announce Henry Rowengartner’s name on the loudspeaker. What a bunch of squares. In the end, we learn that JoJo isn’t scared anymore and is TEAM BEN! Also, does she always have a mint in the side of her mouth? This has been driving me nuts for weeks. What is she holding in there? Why does she talk like a cartoon character?

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Insecurities with Caila, Amanda & Becca

Woohooooo group date!!! Oh what’s that Ben, you’re going to hang out with these 3 chicks long enough for them all to second-guess themselves and then send two packing in favor of a one on one? Damn, that’s COLD. After Becca spends the entire episode talking about how much she wants a one on one (and making me h8 her), we know for sure that she will NOT get a one on one. She needs more validation from Ben. Amanda doesn’t know why Ben is interested in her because she has kids. Same, Amanda. Caila is nervous AF because she’s moved around her whole life and doesn’t have a movie theater where she got her first kiss to drive Ben by in her hometown. Amanda gets the rose so she can feel confident that Ben wants to meet her kids (so he can then dump their mom and leave her there.) Becca cries because Ben’s just not that into her. Caila cries because she isn’t part of a community straight from a movie. What a killer date.

Ben takes Amanda to McDonalds where the nicest and most cheerful fast food employee I’ve ever seen was planted behind the register. It’s been a lifetime dream of Ben’s to go behind the counter at McDonald’s, apparently. They both strap on headsets and ask a bunch of people if they want to supersize it then say the job sucks and go back to being paid to kiss on TV. The two eat a fry lady and the tramp style and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more nauseous. They basically puke chewed up fry into each other’s mouths.

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In the parking lot of the McDonalds, there’s a Rydell High carnival and Danny Zuko Ben knows everyone by name. The mayor basically gives him the key to the city because who else would bring a camera crew to the orthopedic capital of the world? Ben screeches like a lil bitch on all the rides and Amanda’s just chillen. Then they have the second most awkward kiss of this date when they are on moving horses on the carousel and almost hit faces. Cherish these moments Amanda, because you’re about to introduce this man to your kids and he’s going to BOUNCE once he sees that being a dad is more than comforting one crying kid in front of a camera.

“Home is Where the Heart is” with Leftover Twin

I feel SOOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO much dumber after watching this date go down. Leftover twin is so excited that she’s finally getting her one on one date that she can COMPLETELY be herself, which to be clear, is a moron. She doesn’t know what swans are and she forgets how to talk when she’s nervous. Oopsie! Ben introduces her to his parents so that he can later blame them when he inevitably sends her home. Leftover twin is fascinated by the ducks because ducks don’t live in Las Vegas! Her diarrhea of the mouth only gets worse as she sits down with Mama Higgins and spews her life aspirations. She wants to be an NFL cheerleader—but also a young mom and wife. Hmmm…I’m shocked Mrs. Higgins doesn’t dive face-first into that lake to escape this dud. The Higgins parentals politely tell Ben that this girl is like, really pretty but like, really dumb. And off leftover twin goes…to watch movies all day and not eat vegetables. Although she’s not as dumb as she comes off with that diabolical placement of NFL cheerleader. Cash in, girliecat. All the other GF’s cry for leftover twin. I’m unclear as to why, but it makes them look really compassionate.

Before the rose ceremony, Ben is SUPER unsure, so he calls out the big guns…Chris Harrison. Chris comes all the way to Warsaw to go, “but which one do you NOT see as your wife?” WHOA. CHRIS. WHERE’D YOU COME UP WITH THAT MIND TRICKERY? Suddenly, with that one rephrase of the question, Ben knows what he must do. What would we do without Chris? How would we ever know how many roses are left? I hope we never have to find out.

Roses: Amanda, Lauren, JoJo, Caila

We pretty much knew Becca was going to leave by the way she was framed as the whiny bitch the whole episode. So whatevs. Props to her for having a backbone and calling Ben out for the shady move, though. Ben handles the confrontation really well. JK he poops his pants.

 

Next week: JoJo’s brother makes Ben cry.

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Please Welcome Erika Jayne!”

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A WEEK WITHOUT FAYE, HEY HEY HEY! Let us all rejoice and laugh at grown women paying thousands of dollars to freeze their pains away. Yo takes Kyle & Lisa to Cryotheraphy so that she can lock them both in a frozen chamber and try to murder them ala Scream Queens. Except Yolanda is probably smarter than the Chanels and will get the job done. Jk she doesn’t murder them yet, she just shows them how much better she is at handling a quick jaunt in -140 degrees Celsius. She saves the eviscerating for lunch when she dips her toe in the water by testing her Judas friends to see if they had her back when Rinna went on her Munchausen’s rant. It’s crickets from the two gossips. Guess these girls ain’t yo homies, no mo, YO! (Applause for that prose, right there.) Then the real smack down begins as Yolanda slides her children’s medical files over to Lisa, says, “I know what you did” and demands an apology. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Lisa speechless and it is GLORIOUS. Take the kids’ diagnosis as punishment for being a shitty friend, Lisa. Maybe you can read them as a bedtime story as you tuck Ken into bed at 5PM every night.

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In the house with a chapel built right in, Erika debates wearing her choker that says “cunty” for her next show in a closet full of gold chains and sparkle stilettos. Mikey, her creative director or more importantly, c-word enthusiast tells her to go on with her bad self and wear whatever the F she wants. Maybe if she wears a dog collar with a disgusting word for vagina on it she MIGHT even sing about sex and stuff…right Rinna? Anyway, Erika Girardi may have a place of worship in her home and a private plane for travel, but Erika Jayne takes a tour bus to San Diego with a bunch of gay dancers and sips Dom out of a plastic cup. Keep shaking it girl; you’ll get there one day.

Eileen meets Kathryn for lunch and speaks Italian to a waiter in Beverly Hills because she traveled to Italy so now it’s appropriate for her to show off her Rosetta Stone Italian. Don’t be a dick, Eileen. Since Eileen admitted to dating Kathryn’s ex-husband before they even shook hands, they already know they have something to talk about over lunch. Except oopsie, it turns out the year Marcus was smoochin up on Eileen, Kathryn was already dating him. They may have shared Marcus, but they do not share the same taste in purses. The way that Kathryn looked at Eileen’s purse you would’ve thought she adhered a Velcro one-strap at the end of lunch.

Eileen keeps it up as the white trash of the group when she wears a practical denim jumpsuit for the girls’ road trip to San Diego. She wins “most likely to be bullied for poor people clothes” on the ride there. Not for her jean camel toe that’s most definitely occurring in that tight limo, but because her shoes are from Forever 21 and everyone else is parading around with $4000 bags. Meanwhile, Erika Jayne gets her twat tanned. So at least everyone’s keeping it real. Stay classy, San Di-ahgo.

At the hotel, Rinna puts her detective hat on after being falsely accused of throwing Lisa under the bus and CRACKS THE CASE. If she didn’t say it…she wonders aloud staring at a bunch of papers with a magnifying glass, then it MUST MEAN SOMEONE ELSE DID. How is Rinna not a private investigator? She’s really wasting her God-given talents tooling away as an adult diaper model. She recruits Eileen and they’re going to get to the bottom of this. (i.e. confront Erika the second she steps offstage.)

Completely unrelated, here’s a fun fact: Kathryn is deaf in one ear and who thinks she’s going to use this as an excuse to get her out of a shady sitch later on this season? I do, I do!!! Erika Jayne better not blow out her good ear with too much auto tune screeching.

The ladies arrive at Pervert and slap a bunch of gay dancer ass. DON’T WORRY, it’s so harmless, just like throwing a tops and bottoms party. After Kyle is done touching homosexual ass (they’re not attracted to her but that doesn’t stop her from trying) she tries to upstage Erika from the VIP box with a pony swing that could make any bitch within a mile radius go blind. Erika pats her puss. OMG SHE’S SO SCANDALOUS.

After the show, the ladies have a throw down about Erika’s seaward necklace and Eileen is like EVERYTHING THAT ERIKA DOES IS AMAZING YOU ALL CAN SHUT THE HELL UP. Eileen knows what it’s like to be personally victimized by Kathryn. Also, did Eileen draw a birthmark on her face with eyeliner? I did that once in my trial days of makeup and it looked like I had a cancerous mole on my face. It’s a fine line to walk. Oh, and also Erika flat out denied narc’ing to Yolanda. But whatever. I never want to hear about this argument again. I’d rather watch Rinna dance like a mom in a gay club 1 million times than hear this fight anymore. Someone make those spastic moves into a gif, stat. Please and thank you.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor-The Eyebrows Strike Back

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If you recall, last week ended abruptly after the house aired their grievances for Olivia and Ben pulled her aside to pretend it was a cliffhanger that he could take away her rose. Everyone in America knew that Ben would never snatch that rose. Those flowers are 100% black, black no trade back. When Ben asks Olivia to explain herself, she plasters a smile on and is like it’s not my fault that everybody hates me because I’m so popular and pretty. Olivia wants Ben to know that she’s not here to paint nails, she’s here to read books and think and “talk smart things.” Can this be made into a graphic tee? Olivia carries that rose back into the room like a badge of honor. I’m surprised she doesn’t spike it right off Leftover Twin’s face.

Ben whines a lot about how hard life is and then gets right to the rose ceremony where Olivia chirps to the other ladies that she’s untouchable.

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Jk she actually says COME AT ME BRO. Unfortunately I have a bright purple pinny that says this and it’s funny because it’s trashy and from the Jersey Shore boardwalk. I now need to burn that pinny. But guess what Olivia, I painted my nails and did some reading while they were drying last night. I guess girls CAN do both. Come at ME bro.

Roses: Amanda, Olivia, Lauren H., Caila, Lauren B., JoJo, Becca, Leah, Emily

(BYE Jen, sucks that you just started talking last week and Leah still got the rose over you.)

Let’s all go to the Bahamas! “Woooooooo!!!!”-how a room full of ladies greet the Bahamas.

 

Let’s See if our Love is Reel with Caila

Caila may have this date but Leah is pissed. Who’s Leah? She’s the one crying in the bathroom while Caila is out deep sea fishing with B.Higgs. Leah’s crying because she lives 10 minutes away from Ben IRL and yet never met him at a bar. Ugh Leah, go home and surf Hinge for someone to meet for drinks. But first, shut the hell up and enjoy an all expenses paid vacay in the Bahamas.

Back on the Leah-less date, Ben tells Caila: “You smile a lot.” Gr8 observation, Ben. He’s looking for someone to cry with. Ben wants to know if she’s going to smile when she’s sad. Ben’s mind is an oasis of dumb thoughts that he feels are necessary to repeat out loud. Caila admits that she feels like she loves him. Yikes. TOO SOON. But then she talks in circles and maybe redacts that declaration of love? It pretty much makes no sense. Ben is like hey you’re not making any sense and she goes I know I’m in love because I’m being understood and you really understand me. OK CAILA. She gets a rose because not knowing what she wants is SAH CUTE.

 

Love is Unpredictable with Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H., Leah

The bikini-clad hoochies yacht to a private island for a quick swim and feeding time with some water pigs. WHAT ARE THESE CREATURES? Is this a thing? Come to the Bahamas—get raped by the dolphins and then scoot on over to the dump waters for a little pig tussle and weiner feeding. I can’t imagine why that wouldn’t be on a travel brochure.

Ben’s really excited because the girls are having such a fun time with the pigs. I guess Ben thinks a fun time is having fat pigs assault girls in bikinis for a chicken weiner. I feel like he should maybe be a little more concerned for their safety and learn to differentiate their “I’m having fun” screams from their “these pigs are slaughtering me and I’m terrified” screams.

After the piggie assault all the girls get jelly that Ben is hanging with Lauren B. in the water and they all quit their jobs for this. Don’t pin your dumb life decisions on someone who matches their eyebrows to their dye job, Leah. That’s not fair. There’s a lot of group wah-wahs about how life is so hard when they’re literally on a beach in paradise. But whatever. It’s snowing outside my window, but like Ben has to make out with a bunch of chicks in a tropical location so who’s the real loser here?

Later, Ben spends the evening portion reassuring each girl one by one that he still likes her. Leah shoots herself right in the foot by using her time with Ben to talk smack. Or does she? Leah is heard chit-chatting about a girl who acts different in the house that sounds sneaky like Olivia and then by TV magic, the name “Lauren B” is dubbed in through voiceover. Crack job at discreetly creating drama here. Lots of tears ensue as Ben confronts Lauren B about being fake and Leah denies talking shit about her. HOWEVER, what’s important to take away from this is that the only real thing in the entire night is the frizzy AF hair on these girls who are battling the Bahamas humidity AND an island storm.

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Back at the house the girls try to figure out who narc’ed about Lauren B. (hint: post-production) while Leah curls her eyelashes and heads for Ben’s room….to talk more about Lauren B. Ben gets a little sense and bids farewell to Dark Brows. FOREVER.

 

Let’s Sea with Olivia and Leftover Twin

YASSSSS. Death match between Cankles and the Leftover Twin. Olivia lives in a nice fantasy world where 23 is a SUPER mature age. Leftover is only one year younger and yet SUCH A BABY compared to Olivia. She goes a little too far when she compares the date to a mother hanging out with her child. It’s funny because she’s the mother in this scenario and she’s THE SAME AGE AS other twin. Regardless, both girls can still call themselves recent college grads and therefore they both need to GO.

On a secluded island with hurricane winds and a lack of hair ties, Olivia tells Ben that deep intellectual things are her “jam”, and further makes me want to punch her square in the cankles. She also tells Ben she’s in love with him and then tries to swallow his face so as to avoid the awkward silence that would inevitably follow that confession.

Not much better, Emily word vomits a speech about how she wants Ben to watch her grow up since she’s barely legal. Throughout this entire sputtery soliloquy, her face is covered in hair and Ben’s like no don’t fix it because I don’t want to see your face. She shouldn’t get the rose. But she does because Ben doesn’t love Olivia and the producers have gotten the ratings they needed from her. Olivia is left on the island to cry into the ocean and accidentally swallow some of her hair in that giant mouth of hers, her tree trunk ankles buried in the sand. Goodbye old friend, go forth to have a bustling TV career just like you always wanted.

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Roses (again): Caila, Amanda, Leftover Twin, Becca, JoJo, Lauren B.

The dramatic standdown between the Lauren’s at the end was supes unnecessary. As if Ben would EVER pick H over B. Lauren H gives good cry face though. So she’s got that going for her. Never Forget:

Standard