I spent Thursday through Sunday alternating between pool and beach soaking up peak summer sunshine because may I remind you, summer does not *officially* end until September 21st and it felt a little jarring to be thrown back into awards season. I’d like to petition the Emmys to move to later in the month. I’m not ready for it yet. It’s too soon. So please accept this rusty re-initiation into red carpet season with a promise that it will get better. Luckily for us all, I’ll have some time to properly adjust and regulate my seasonal moods before we really start gaining steam in the colder months when there’s nothing else to wake up for.

WORST

It physically pains me to put Connie with the Good Hair on the worst dressed list but this gown is TERRIBLE.

This pattern is way too busy. It definitely looked better on TV than it does up close in a still photo, but literally looking at it right now is giving me a headache. If I may, the compliment bread to this insult is her leg looks amazing and her dark pedi is ALMOST making me want to go back to the days when I Lincoln Park After Dark’ed my fingers and toes the second the calendar changed to September. 

A literal knight in full armor would take one look at this getup and be like wtf are you wearing? Why would you give an optical illusion that you have BOTH linebacker shoulders and a FUPA the size of the Liberty Bell? 

Ma’am. Someone ripped a curtain off of the rod and fastened it around your neck. You cannot convince me otherwise. 

It’s giving creepy doll that came to life. What was that horror movie last year? Megan? That was Brie’s inspiration for this look. I understand dressing like a 5 year old is making a comeback with bow culture, but pairing a bow with a cupcake tiered tulle is a scooch TOO toddlers & tiaras.

REEBZ. HOLY MULLET. Imagine not realizing your updo gives you biz in the front, party in the back on accident? Yoikes. Also this reflectively busy emerald pantsuit is A CHOICE. A single mom who works too hard, who loves her kids and never stops deserves better.

Bad color, bad  Edward Scissorhands hack job at the bottom of the gown, and I’m sorry to h8 my own kind, but what’s the happs with these curls? Alright that felt like a step too far. I take it back. Mostly because I don’t want bad curl karma. I’ve had curly hair for 33 years and I still don’t know how to properly style it. So instead I’ll say, what’s your routine, Juno? Those curls are CURLIN.

STOP GIVING YOURSELVES POINTY SHOULDERS OR I’LL COME OUT THERE AND POKE YOU REPEATEDLY UNTIL YOU STOP.

I feel like I would’ve liked this gown better without the flowers. But also, logistically speaking, how does one walk in this cocoon? Her foot is FIGHTING FOR ITS LIFE to pop out and show off those shoes.

Maybe if she wasn’t busy playing rugby while she was in Paris last month she would’ve known that the fashion capital of the world would DRAG HER for wearing PEPLUM on a red carpet. KILL IT WITH FIRE.

What’s with the boog sash, Leese?

I’m so confused by this “dress” but I know drapes when I see them. We as a society need to stop encouraging curtains as formalwear. 

I don’t know if I just haven’t seen Kathy Bates since she guest-starred on The Office 10 years ago or what, but she lost a shit-ton of weight. Good for her! Here’s my bone to pick. That hairstyle ages her at least 1600 years. The pulled back bouffant is exclusively for ancient women in the 1400’s and if she wore her hair in literally any other way, she would’ve looked like a stone-cold stunna.

This obviously isn’t the VMA’s where people dress for shock value, so you’ll notice that instead of being disgusted and putting someone on the worst dressed list to publicly shame them, I have a lot of far less dramatic: “not quite hitting for me” commentary. And that’s exactly what this is. She doesn’t look bad by any means, but I’ve seen her crush it with much bolder outfits so this is real snoozy. 

Well now we’re quickly back to publicly shaming because this shirt should be a costume for a flamenco dancer and nothing else. Also, some of the hardest flares I’ve ever seen. Nearly JNCO’s. Clean it up.

I cannot get past this chunky pendant. The dress is whatever but what the hell is going on with that sorcerer’s stone hanging round her gullet? Does it hold evil powers?

What an odd style for a black-tie event. Very fall, but also what your aunt might wear to brunch. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen someone wear a boot to an awards show, other than country awards of course. 

We get it, you lift.

A buttoned peplum IS STILL A PEPLUM.

Could honestly flip flop either way on this but the more that I dwell on the top of this dress, the more I feel like it looks like a piece of macaroni.

It’s like the one man show that sings the male and female parts by turning sides. 

This is very casino-esque and more in an Atlantic City way rather than Vegas way, if you catch my drift. It’s just so loud and bright and I feel like there could’ve been better options to make her stand out but not look tacky. That being said, glad she got her first W amongst Hollywood elite nominees. Suck it, Meryl.

I don’t know that the Emmys are the event for a Jessica Rabbit va-va-voom gown. Came in a little hot with this one.

Never like to put a host on the worst dressed list but I’ve done far more cutthroat things in red carpets past. This shirt evokes so many feelings and none of them are positive. The halfsie turtleneck is so perplexing. Why not do a full wrap-around collar. It’s like vampire if the vampire is only shy about showing half of his face. It’s like if you stuck your napkin in your top button but a strong gust blew it up. It’s like you put a hoodie on sideways. It’s like RAAAAIIII-AYE-ANEEEEEEEE on your wedding day. Just kidding. But seriously what was the point of that Shakespearean neck decor.

Top half is politician and bottom half is hideous. Let’s just fasten it all together with a white bow why don’t we! Also, white pointy pumps?! Are those coming back too? What a joy to watch some of the worst trends of each generation coming out to play this year.

BEST

We’ll allow it because Alan is actually Scottish and therefore can wear traditional outfits from his country and be seen as cool and cultured rather than trying to make Christmas happen 3 months early.

Love the black widow to the baby blue.

BARBARA JEAN MAKING A COMEBACK WITH BIG HAIR AND A CAPE! GET IT GURL.

This photo made me cream my jeans. The tinted shades, the chesties, the cocky pose. Nailed it.

Elegant with a little peekaboo pizazz!

Whether in undies on a billboard or a classic black tux, that smolder will melt panties.

Oh ok, Meryl with your cotton candy suit. Go off.

Feathers are so F-U cocky, I love it. Especially in this soft pink. Also omg am I seeing double?! BITCH STOLE MY LOOK ON A RED CARPET?!

REESE!!! Always in a plain primary color dress with the same straight hair, I’m living for this breath of fresh air for her. Love the embroidered florals and top knot! 

Hot damn, Diane! It’s like the first time I straightened my hair in 6th grade and looked like a brand new person. Or I guess, a slightly less frizzy version head accented by watermelon-colored braces. I feel like Diane is often an updo girlie and this hair is sleek as hell. Really sets the tone for this whole chic ‘fit.

I realize I moments ago said the Emmys aren’t for a Jessica Rabbit va-va-voom and this is EXACTLY that. But respect your elders. Sofia Vergara built a career on wearing this type of dress and dropping jaws and then opening her mouth and sounding like a fork in a garbage disposal and covering ears. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

This dress truly looks like metallic liquid on her bodice and all the respect for knowing exactly how to pose it to create this delish optical illusion.

Didn’t get a whole lot of big ole ball gowns last night so I extra appreciate this moment. Great color on her and of course, spicy leg pop.

Many ladies went for the sparkle and I ate that shit right up. This dress is the perfect style for her and I love the rose detail, a nod to Moira Rose perhaps?

I die for monochrome coordinates and the cape, dress, and purse all being the exact same color is doing things for me. Beautiful! 

This pose makes me want to get wrapped in a big ole bear hug by Billy. At first I thought he was wearing a cardigan and honestly I liked that better than a jacket. Billy can wear pretty much anything and look huggable.

I would die for this gown. STUNNING.

Probably would’ve gone less Christmas clown with the lip if it were me, but the dress is simple elegance.

A rich PLUM. YUM.

Perfect blue tie! Eugene looking dapper for 1/2 of the hosting gig.

A timeless look for her first nom.

I tried to make all of my friends feel bad for me today as I pointed out the sliver of white skin that was showing because I was wearing higher cut bikini bottoms and I wanted everyone to feel my pain that in just a few short months my entire body will be that color once again as winter suffocates me and ruins my life and my beautiful sun-kissed skin. And then I saw this photo. My winter skin could be considered the ebony to Dakota Fanning’s ivory. Holy shit that’s a pasty complexion. Near translucent. I’ll stop crying about losing my tan now. (Jk I NEVER WILL.) Even though this milky dress is the same exact color as her bod, it is lovely. The pearl overlay is chef’s kiss. I bet it would look BOMB with my tan…which will be gone by Thanksgiving. 

Cannot take my eyes off this shiny material that looks like wet latex. Supes flattering and so fun that I’m willing to overlook the cat ears chesticles.

Living for a blue suit and the floral shirt completes the look.

Not a big fan of the halter neck, which seemed to be a celeb favorite at this show, but I got a lady boner for the ombre sparkly finish. 

I dig this more subtle shimmer and obviously fits her like a glove. I’m jelly. I’m constantly trying to wear a fitted dress and then turning sideways in the mirror and remembering that if I wear clothing that clings to my bodice then everyone will see how long it’s been since I’ve last pooped. Typically 3-5 business days. MUST BE NICE TO HAVE REGULAR BOWELS, PADMA.

FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT

Sure this is basically sheet metal and normally I’d make some joke about wrapping thyself in aluminum foil, but I’m captivated by this dress. The thatching pattern and the way the hem is cut differently, plus the sparkly accents, all of it is working to catch my attention. Total curveball because I’m nothing if not predictable with what I like and what I mercilessly mock on red carpets. I think Kristen looks amazing, the lack of accessories or dramatic makeup perfectly complements this wild dress. So there ya go, kicking things off with an unexpected fangirl moment for tin. All hail the tinwoman.