Category Archives: The Bachelor

The Bachelor

The Bachelor- House of Criers

 

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This week the ladies are all lounging on the couch in their trendy workout gear and it causes me to wonder if they actually do group yoga in the morning or if like me, they wear workout clothes to trick people into thinking they’ve just exercised. Someone arrives at the house and they’re all like “OMG THAT RUN WAS JUST SO HARD.” “Oh, never mind, it’s just Chris Harrison.” Lauren B, not to be confused with LB (who left last week), gets the date and 3.5 seconds later has perfectly wavy hair and has chosen a sexy but cute outfit. 

“The Sky’s the Limit” with Lauren B.

Ben kicks things right off by saying, “Join me on my magic carpet ride” and I get the creeps. No Ben, just no. They’re going up in a baby plane that does flips and shit. Lauren B might be a flight attendant but apparently she’s the kind that straps in during turbulence and clutches rosary beads because bitch is terrified to be in a plane. But then once she’s up in the air she’s AOK and has the time of her life. Nothing could ruin this date—not even THE MOST AWKWARD KISS ON THIS EARTH. No joke, I shielded my eyes when they did the kiss head jerk several times before making contact. They fly over the bachelor mansion and even though no one can even see them inside the plane, the girls all spontaneously combust with jealousy. The plane touches down in a field that is spacious and empty, except for the hot tub that was conveniently dropped there. I guess Ben’s a real hot tub guy? Lauren B’s like omgggg I don’t even know how this got here?! And then changes into a swimsuit. It turns out they’re better at kissing each other when they’re not squeezed into a toy plane dressed like Snoopy.

snoopy

Back at the mansion, Caila cries and squeals a lot about him going on other dates. I hate that I said I liked her. On the date that Caila isn’t on, Lauren B. reveals that she’s still single because she compares all men to her dad. Sexy. Ben tells a story about how his dad had surgery once. So like, a lot of dad talk for a first date. It wouldn’t be a one on one date if it didn’t end with a singer no one knows the name of performing for them. The two slow dance, and by slow dance I mean stand in front of this singer whose just trying to get a little fame and tongue each other.

“Love is the Goal” with Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Olivia, Jamie, Rachel, Lace, Emily

This date kills two birds with one stone. First, it allows for a “celeb” appearance with two soccer players from Team USA (I don’t know their names, sue me.) Second, it gives the girls who are all passive aggressive AF, an activity for them to be aggressive aggressive toward each other and just look dedicated to the game. This game was essentially made for Olivia, who claims soccer isn’t her thing, yet is out for blood. Literally. Once the girls find out the losing team can’t hang with Ben later, shit gets real, real quick. The stripes team get fired up because they have the least flattering Where’s Waldo uniforms ever, and the stars team has Emily (?) who can take a ball or two to the face. In Olivia’s plan to murder anyone who stands in between her and Ben, she sees that Rachel maybe broke her leg and goes after her to snap it clean off of her body. Team Olivia wins.

Back at the mansion, Jubilee cries about how she’s not Ben’s type and Jojo nods in agreement. (Could there be more crybabies up in this hizouse?) Speaking of whiny hoes, at the group hang, Olivia grabs Ben first and so therefore the rest of the girls talk about her ugly toes and bad breath. It’s only fair. When Olivia returns to the gossiping hags, Jami narcs on them and so ensues the most hilarious guessing game ever to occur. Jami is all; they were talking about some of your physical features. And Olivia is like was it my tree trunk calves? Or my cankles? My wide shark mouth? Don’t ever make a girl guess what is wrong with her…the options could not be more endless.

flaws

Amber gets a rose after finally speaking to Ben for the first time. And smooching him. So unfortunately she’s safe for one more week. Cankles Olivia is obviously offended she didn’t get a rose but reassures America that it’s only politics because according to Ben’s secret cues, they’ve basically already eloped. To be clear, the cue she’s referring to was him pushing off her leg to stand up from the couch. I can’t believe I didn’t know that a leg graze was sign language for “we have a kid on the way, the rest of this show is just a formality.” I need to pay more attention in life.

“Love is in the Air” with Jubilee

Apparently Jubz turns into an awkward bird when she’s nervous and makes sassy jokes. In other words, Jubilee is me. Ben has a helicopter come to the house to pick her up because he’s unoriginal and apparently we can expect all of his dates to have some form of aviation + a hot tub+ an obscure singer/songwriter. Anyway, Jubilee is afraid of heights and jokingly asks if someone wants her date cause she’s wearing white and doesn’t want to shit her pants. Everyone just about crucifies her for that comment because she got a date and they’re all duds with no sense of humor. Jubilee convinces me even more that we’re the same person when Ben feeds her caviar; she promptly spits it out and tells him she prefers hot dogs. I was all for Jubilee until she jokingly calls Ben a white boy, which is fine, but then she decided to dissect it afterward in the hot tub. That made for some realllllll awko taco. I was just trying that one on for size, Jami. I think I hate it.

Later at dinner, they talk about how Jubilee has so many layers and it turns out one of those layers is that her entire family died in Haiti. So like, real dark shit. Ben clearly doesn’t know how to react to this so he caresses her hand a little and tells her she’s gr8. She gets a rose and a seat on his lap. When the rest of the house finds out Jubilee got a rose, they’re really excited for her. NAHT. Lauren H. is shocked and declares, “Ben wants a wife who hangs out with all the other soccer moms.” Congrats on coming off sexist AND a little racist, LH.

Cocktail Hour

The normally upbeat and time-stealing cocktail hour takes a somber turn right off the bat when Ben announces that two of his family friends died that day in a plane crash. Olivia senses that he needs a little comforting and pulls him aside to talk about how much she hates her legs. She takes the empathy route, tears up a little bit and tells him how hard it is to be strong in the face of tragedy. No but seriously, an Emmy for the editor who cut this together because that’s quality TV right there.

Jubilee actually does comfort Ben with a massage. Except oopsie, her act of kindness made all the women in the house hate her 1000 times more and turn into bitchy locker room monsters ready to attack. They claim that she’s flaunting her rose—meanwhile she hasn’t spoken to anyone all night. I see some holes in this theory. Amber beckons Jubilee to come over and get verbally assaulted for doing nothing wrong and Jubz is like aw, hell no and runs away. Ben gets involved because he’s awkward and thinks he can solve drama. In the end, Amber looks like a real asshole and should’ve gotten her rose revoked, and Ben is on Team Jubilee. It’s cute that Ben thinks the drama is all over and ends up walking right into Lace, who I’m guessing if she got more camera time this week, she would’ve been saying this:

cecily

Lace is all tears and has decided to leave because she needs to work on herself. Apparently she hates herself as much as America does. Bye, Lace. It’s been real making fun of you. #Gone2Soon

Roses: Lauren B, Amber, Jubilee, Lauren H. (the soccer mom), Amanda, Becca, Haley, Emily, Rachel, Caila, Jojo, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

Jami turns into the bitter single drunk girl, says she’s going to get a lot of cats and that humans are garbage. “THAT’S WHY IM ALWAYS SINGLE!” she shouts like she just downed a tequila shot at last call and is going home alone. YIIIIIKES, Jami. Famous last words. You could’ve been remembered for making up a mediocre rhyme abbrev that would one day turn into a graphic tee sold at Forever 21 with the taco emoji BUT INSTEAD we’ll always know you as the singleton.

Update: That was really naive of me to think that this wasn’t already a tee. And that it’s even more unfunny when printed and mass distributed for sorority girls to wear because they ❤ Chipotle. Oh, god. There’s so many dumb variations. Be better, America.

 

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Catching Flies

CAILA, BEN HIGGINS, KEVIN HART

Ben is suuuuper nice to everyone and caring and a gent. He also has the self-confidence of a crack-whore. Enough is enough. This guy is man candy and has a killer personality. If I have to hear the unlovable shtick one more time, I’m going to climb into Olivia’s gaping mouth and never resurface.

Group Date 1: Horny in High School

Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, Lace

The date objective is to put the girls through high school again and make sure it’s sexual and suggestive. Duh. First up? Make Ben’s volcano explode. Jubilee is stuck with Lace, who she fondly refers to, as Lacey, and they both haven’t quite figured out what makes a volcano tick. They’re eliminated first (which fuels Lace’s hate fire.) Step two is bobbing for apples or I guess drowning in a fish tank with your mouth open. Can’t say I’ve bobbed for apples since I was six but this was an atrocious display of the sport. I don’t think your face needs to be submerged in the water to get the job done, ladies. The placing states on a map part is no joke. I can’t even make fun of how dumb the girls are because I 100% don’t know geography and would probably be the one to put Indiana sideways and count it as a new state like Becca and JoJo. The latter portions of the day are for athletic ability and unfortunately Mandi pulls out the W with a barefoot hurdles display. The less screen time we get of her, the better, really. Amber’s pezzed she’s runner up. Spoiler alert: Amber is pezzed this whole ‘sode. Cause she doesn’t belong on this show. But more on that later.

That night, Becca plays the cool girl routine and shoots some hoops with him in a tight lace dress. I almost wanted to date Becca after this. They touch all up on each other’s hands but surprisingly Jennifer gets the first smooch. NeWsFlAsH: Ben is an awkward bird when it comes to initiating kisses. This should be fun. It also turns out Lace just sounds like she’s drunk all the time. She slurs about how her and Ben are eye-banging as she white-knuckles his hand. Jubilee interrupts to talk about how she lived in an orphanage once and is rewarded for “opening up” with some kisses. To be clear, Lace never gets kissed. She does prove that she’s probably on mood stabilizers though, when she begins every sentence for the rest of the evening with “I’m not crazy.” You’re not hot enough to get away with this, Lace.

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My girl JoJo gets the rooftop time with Ben and they mack all up on each other. Ben does this thing where he grabs at her back skin while he’s slow dancing/gazing at her and it’s real woof. Stick to the small of her back, Ben. JEEZE. Ben must’ve enjoyed his grip on her spine because he gives her a rose.

One-on-Ride Along: Caila

Ride Along 2 needs all the publicity it can get and therefore Ice Cube and Kevin Hart sponsor this date. They cruise on over to the liquor store so Ben can get some Hennessy and condoms. JK he’s straight outta Hoosiers so he probably just gets a 6 pack of Zima to Ice’s disappointment. There’s some hot tub times with Kevin Hart’s junk and a verrryyy uncomfy giggle from Ben and finally they cut loose from their network obligations. At their dinner later, Ben tells Caila that she made that promotional bit that counted as her date, rly fun. (To be clear: Kevin & Ice could not have been less funny if they tried.) Anyway, Caila tells the story about how she met her last boyfriend on a plane and then they ran into each other in Boston. #Fate. I lived in Boston for a year and never saw the same person in public twice so like I call bullshit. BUT it didn’t work out because their meet-cute was better than the actual relationship. Surprisingly, I don’t think Caila is a total moron and therefore I’m fine with her getting a rose. What I’m not fine with is the fact that they hired the guy whose song was once in an AT&T commercial to give them a private concert. This same commercial drove me bananas for as long as they ran it. I guess Amos Lee gets Ben all hot and bothered though because he sighs a lot and serenades Caila while they slow dance.

 

Group Date 2: Hope You Don’t Have Your Period (S/O to Lindsey)

Emily, Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, Amanda

Hey want to make girls feel like they’re dirt? Tell them they smell sour. Thaaaat’s the technology of Looooooveeeee! The girls, dressed in white booty shorts and camis, are tested by REAL “doctors” to see if they have chemistry with Ben. After he sticks his nose all up in their bits and searches for other adjectives for “sweet” to describe their funk, he pairs off with each chick in bed for some questionable heat-sensory tests. The “doc” tells Ben and Shush to put their hands on each other’s hearts. A twin exclaims, “HE PUT HIS HAND ON HER BOOB!” Really? You mean to tell me neither of these twins has told a guy to feel how fast her heart is beating just to get a boob grab outta the deal? Amateur hour. Turns out Sam stinks AND has the lowest compatibility, Olivia has the highest. She also quotes Charlie Sheen and won’t shut her big wide trap.

Now seems like an ideal time to address this week’s elephant in the room, or rather, gigantic face hole. Olivia apparently thinks it’s cute and fun to drop her jaw to the ground as her reaction to everything. It results in me feeling like I need to run for cover to escape her engulfing the world. It’s only been one episode of this shit and I already want someone to stick their finger in there and teach her a lesson.

Ben tries his best when he sticks his tongue in there. I imagine it gets lost in the cave that is Olivia’s mouth but whatever. We also learn that Shush came to this country with some bottles of vodka and the American dream. Samantha smells like passion fruit instead of sour vag—According to Ben hitting the spin zone to redeem himself for his earlier comments. And lastly, everyone has pictures of their dogs in the house and Amanda doesn’t even have pictures of her kids. This is concerning. Not to Ben cause he kisses her. He’s into moms enough to mention that he loves that she has kids but then when faced with the rose decision gives it to Olivia because boners.

Cocktails/Rose Ceremony:

Okay so this is where we learn that Amber sucks and does not belong on this show. She’s a normal person. She’s not aggressive or fame hungry enough to seek the attention of the Bachelor and therefore she sits in the corner crying about how she never gets any time with Ben. Girl, you did this EXACT THING last season you were on. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Step up your game, walk your chicken legs over to Ben and talk to him or kick rocks. You know who does have the balls to get more face time? Olivia. She drags her open mouth over to catch Ben along with some flies and he greets her like he’s stuck in a 1997 Budweiser commercial.

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Then it’s Lace vs. Olivia in the battle of manipulative minds. Lace finally snags Ben cause she’s convinced herself and everyone else that she’s never spoken to him and promptly tells him a fascinating story about how she used to look like this:

roseanne

Obviously she cries after because she’s the worst at flirting and definitely gave him a nice boner kill with that image. Ben gives Lauren B. a 4×6 of them that a producer had printed at Wal-Mart “to make her feel really special.” And lastly, Ben calls Amanda over to make some rose barrettes for her daughters that she doesn’t have photographic evidence of. What a sweetie. I guess he’s not LB’s type, though, because when he calls her out at the rose ceremony she says no thank you and heads home. Out of all the girls I wish would do this LB was pretty much dead last on the list. Three cheers for being rid of Mandi though!

Roses: JoJo, Caila, Olivia, Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B., Leah, Becca, Rachel, Lace, Jennifer, Emily, Haley, Jami, Lauren H, Shushanna, Amber(who only gets a rose because LB peaced. I think it’s only fair that Amber send a cut of her Bachelor paycheck to LB, weekly.)

Best Quotes:

“I’ve never been this turned on in a high school before.”- JoJo admitting she didn’t used to get horny for school but now…LOOK OUT!

“Jackie is not great with her mouth.” ROUGH.

“I’m not very smart.”-A twin. At least they’re self-aware.

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The Bachelor Premiere- Lace Up

 

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Listen, the first night is always a whirlwind of skinny bitches and glasses of wine being emptied into my mouth and therefore for last night’s episode we will recap by individual until I learn how many Lauren’s we’re actually going to be keeping around.

But first, Ben’s rite of passage as Bachelor: a completely staged and over the top hometown intro. He drives around talking to himself, shows us the crappy movie theater where he first smooched a girl and gets teary-eyed talking about finding love in his future. C’mon Ben. Don’t be the first one to cry. NOT a good look. But Ben’s most important role as Bachelor was being the grand marshal of his high school homecoming game. No seriously, you would’ve thought he was meeting the President with the way he talked about this honor. From what I can tell, he attended a high school football game with a camera crew. LiViN LaRgE. We also get to meet Ben’s parents, who unintentionally were hilarious. His dad is an adorable nerd who talks about how much he loves Ben’s mom and then they cheers, TO LOVE!

 

JubileeJubilee

Jubz is a vet and can absolutely crush me. Her intro consists of her flipping a guy around a bunch of times and she’s basically going to eat Ben alive.

Mandi/Faith from Unreal

Mandi is ALL IN on being the quirky girl. In Portland, she stands in the middle of a guy playing bagpipes and cycling to show us how ZANY she is. Realistically it made me concerned for what goes on in that city. From there we segue into what I can only describe as the first 2 minutes of a shitty porno as she gives an Indian man a gold tooth in her dental office. There are a lot of close-ups on her rack as she does so. Later, at the house, Mandi wears an enlarged red flower on her head. Why? Because she is the “impression rose”. Before Ben even finishes his Welcome speech to the ladies, Mandi snags him away to see if he’s flossing enough. No seriously, she gives him a dental exam. Unfortunately for everyone, she gets a rose.

Twins

Not quite ready to give up on the act that these two women are one individual, the twins play into the charade by being complete assholes that are conjoined. The matching outfits, the talking at the same time, the tandem biking, I mean, COME ON.  Ben’s reaction when he first saw them was, “That’s uh, that’s good.” They’re quick to tell him that they NEVER date the same guy so this is so0ooOo different! Clearly these two will never be separated (mostly because no one can tell them apart), and I applaud the producers for such an outrageous move.

Amanda

Amanda S

Amanda is cute and all but she has two little kids. She’s got a real full plate and she’s on a reality TV show looking for a husband. FuN FaCt: She’s the only mom this season.

Tiara

Tiara

the chicken enthusiast reads bedtime stories to her chickens, kisses them, and has several photos of chickens with a framed photo of Ben in the center. I wouldn’t have put it past her for one second to have a photoshopped picture of her, Ben and the coop. But joke’s on Ben because when she meets him she acts super normal and there is no mention of her fowl fetish. Ben doesn’t even wrinkle his nose at the probable farm stench radiating from her. I got real nervsies that Ben would fall into her trap and then get too far in before she introduced him to her chickens. Luckily, she was sent home and we no longer have to worry about her tucking birds into bed with them each night.

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Samantha

Samantha

REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted a rose. That’s the most I remember about her. It’s funny how the ones that are thirsty AF for a rose are usually the ones where we saw no interaction with the Bachelor.

Lauren B.

Lauren B

I actually like Lauren B. so I’m going to let it pass that her first meeting with Ben consists of her pinning wings on him because she’s a flight attendant and saying, “I Hope you are ready to take off on this journey together.” I’m also jelly of Lauren B. She’s like GREAT at flirting. She giggles a lot and is cute and tiny. Whatever.

Caila

Caila

is probably fine but since I’m a female, it’s important to note that I hate her. Why do I hate her? Because she jumps into Ben’s arms upon exiting the limo and he scoops her up with effortless grace. TALL GIRLS CAN’T DO THAT CUTE SHIT. DAMN YOU, CAILA. It also turns out that they both sell software. So they have like SO much in common. I wonder if they’ll work in the same office and Ben will carry her into work every day…

Jami

Jami

My gal group that I watched the premiere with all agreed that we had a crush on Jami; unfortunately we didn’t get to see her talk at all. Even more unfortunate, we kept referring to her as the bartender. Sarryyy, Jami. Hopefully we get more next week. Also apparently she’s friends with Kaitlyn from last season? Talk about knowing the right people to get a job…

Lace

Lace

Remember when I had a question about if her name was after the fabric or a dumb way to spell Lacey? Problem solved. No one will ever forget Lace again. She’s the resident bitchy slob kebab on night one. Giving dirty looks and talking about how no one is pretty didn’t really make the other girls want to kick it with Lace. Add 100 glasses of wine to this fire and things got a little fuzzy. Lace smooched Ben upon meeting him (in an aggress manner) then while chatting, asks for a better one—Something that is totes ok when you’re wine buzzed. Except Ben’s like hm, better not. Only because he’s a gem and he didn’t want to tongue before getting to know her toxic personality. He even seeks her out again to reiterate this better because they were interrupted and he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. In Lace-Land, this was interpreted as him saying, “people are shady.” Not one to quit while she’s ahead, after getting a rose she takes him aside to point out that she was watching him like a hawk during the ceremony and he didn’t even look at her once. I think I speak for America when I say, go to bed, Lace, you’re drunk.

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Lauren R.

Lauren R

Yikes to Lauren R’s first impression. She reveals how much she stalked Ben over social media (don’t ever reveal that, girls) and has “something special” to show him. That something special is apparently not her name because she never tells Ben what it is. Although, by process of elimination something tells me he landed on the 100th Lauren in the room.

Shushanna

Shushanna

Her entire first convo with Ben is in another language and he thinks her name is Shauna. Hot start.

Leah

Leah

makes it her mission the first night to come off as the “guy’s girl.” She hikes up her dress and tosses him a football obviously accompanied with “I knew you were a catch.” Cause these girls are nothing if not creative. Later on they play catch again and she runs in heels so she’s like rly down to earth and cool and likes sports. AKA she’s a guy’s nightmare to watch football with because she thinks being a fan is shouting a lot to pretend she knows what’s going on, but who am I to judge?

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JoJo

Joelle

I’m a little ashamed that this was one of my frontrunners in the ranking blog because she waltzes out with a unicorn head on. JoJo DEF has plans to wear this mask in the fantasy suite.

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Lauren H.

Lauren H

If I’m not mistaken, and there’s a high chance that I am, this was the Lauren who tossed Ben a bouquet she just caught at a wedding and probably made him want to run away. Apparently she didn’t scare him enough because she got rosed.

Laura

Laura

“My friends call me red velvet” and “He may have not been into redheads” are two of the best quotes that could’ve summed up Laura’s one night existence on The Bachelor. I did feel a little bad that she was Lace’s side bitch all night AND got kicked off. Double punishment.

Maegan

Megan

Everyone knows I was already not loving Maegan the extra vowels cowgirl. Then she went and brought her mini pony to the first night and crossed her fingers it didn’t pee all over the carpet. If we’re being real, I wouldn’t be surprised if Maegan hiked up her skirt and peed on the carpet. She just strikes me as that type of gal.

Isabel

Isabel

All I’ve got written down is that she was wearing a onesie and thus her opening line was, “are you the onesie for me?” Hard pass.

Rachel

Rachel

was my other top pick from the bios, as a fellow unemployed cookie monster and then she went right ahead and rode in on one of those hoverboards. Noooooooooo.

Jessica

Jessica

gets a real long hug and then an immediate second. And she didn’t even need to give Ben any coupons for those! FrontRUNNER.

LB

LB

I don’t think LB got a lot of screen time but she stands out because she seemed normal and basically stole LC’s name so she’s fine for now.

Jackie

Jackie

gives Ben a save the date for their own wedding. DEF not a red flag or anything.

Olivia

Olivia

only has one dimple and gave up her career as a news anchor to find louuurrve. It’s a good thing she gets the first impression rose or else that would’ve been a suuuper dumb decision. Olivia will probz be around for a while.

Breanne

Breanne

is all about that nutrition life and declares Gluten is Satan. She throws a bunch of bread on the ground and I cried real tears. Who wastes a French baguette like that? So rude. Her one-woman hate-show of carbs was all for nothing because Ben doesn’t give her a rose. He just loves pasta too much, probably.

Becca

Becca

Becca doesn’t really need to make a first impression on me because we’ve seen a whole season of her. She’s sweet and pretty and will most likely end up in the finals. I can see Ben and Becca settling down. Unfortunately it doesn’t matter how lovely Becca is because Lace HATES THAT F’ING VIRGIN. No seriously, she said it. A lot. She also spied on Becca and Amber through the door as they chatted with Ben.

Amber

Amber

Once again Amber leaves 0.0 impression on me. The only thing going for her is that she was linked with Becca as they showed up late togets in the “we’ve already been here once” limo. Either way, she gets a rose, because she’s in the Bachelor family and it would’ve been supes rude to keep Becca and not her.

Jennifer

Jennifer

Conducts a heavy discussion about how she looks for men with morals and similar beliefs and she believes she’s found that in Ben. To be clear she knows absolutely nothing about Ben. To be even clearer, her tits are at full attention in the dress she’s wearing and that’s all anyone can focus on, including Ben.

 

ROSES: Lauren B, LB, Caila, Amber, Jami, Jennifer, Jubilee, Amanda, JoJo, Leah, Rachel, Samantha, Jackie, Haley, Emily, Sushanna, Lauren H., Becca, Mandi, Lace

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The Bachelor S20: Ranking the Contestants

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Christmas has arrived, everyone…the Bachelor contestants have been released with their idiotic bios and their Lifetouch yearbook portraits like presents we get to unwrap early! JOY TO THE WORLD! Let’s judge them and predict favorites…

In the spirit of ABC going on it’s 20th season of strangers fighting for a man’s love on camera, they’ve decided they can pretty much do whatever the F they want–as we saw last Bachelorette with the 2 woman showdown for the title. Thus allowing producers to cast two girls we’ve seen before…which seems a whole lot like cheating. Naht my problem these girls didn’t find love the first time…therefore I’ve placed both ladies at the bottom of the list on principle.

Amber, 30

Amber

Amber was on Farmer Chris’s season and was so riveting the first time around that this is what I wrote about her after the premiere:

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Props for getting a colorist but other than that she’s still a bartender and her bio still straight up put me to sleep. Enough is enough, Amber. Please find something else to do with your time and stop coming back for sloppy seconds on this franchise.

Becca, 26

Becca

Obviously Becca made it to the finale with Chris. She’s cute and southern and pure but like other than that…here’s my first impression from Becca last Bachelor season:

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So three cheers for ABC bringing back two boring duds. Out of the two though, I’m leaning toward Becca cause: “Biggest date fear: Having stomach issues and clogging up a toilet, a la Dumb and Dumber.” Lolz, toilet humor.

Tiara, 26

Tiara

The girl named after a crown has only one thing on her mind: CHICKENS. Her occupation is “Chicken Enthusiast”, her guilty pleasure is holding random chickens and she couldn’t live without her chickens. No seriously, she referred to chickens three times. Hey, Tiara, we get it. You’ve got a bird fetish and therefore you’re weird. Get outta here. I also find it lolworthy that she loves touching chickens but IS AFRAID OF DOGS.

Emily, 22

Emily Twin 1

Haley, 22

Haley Twin2

Look I was all for treating these two as separate human beings despite the fact that ABC is using them as a plot twist. But I kid you not, their occupation was listed as “Twin” AND they’re wearing the same shirt in the above photos…therefore they will now be treated as one. These bitches are fresh out of college (assuming they went to college) and looking for a husband. Find your chill. They were cheerleaders in Las Vegas. Bai.

Jessica, 23

Jessica

Jessica is an accountant from Florida and to be honest that’s about all I took from her bio. Snooze city.

Mandi, 28

mandi

I’m sure Mandi’s a great gal but I took one look at this picture and the fact that she describes her “legs for days” and all I could think of is that leggy lesbian Faith from Unreal. And that’s a comparison I’m not ready to overcome.

FaithUnreal

Lace, 25

Lace

I’m not even quite sure how to approach this name. Is it a cute way of spelling Lacy? Is it literally just the fabric Lace? Who knows. What we do know is that via an embarrassing story, we learned that Lace doesn’t know how to flush a toilet. Cause one time she dropped a deuce then invited a guy over and he found it. And they laughed about it apparently. Yeah, ok. First date dumps always lead to a big giggle fest.

 Amanda, 25

Amanda S

Amanda hails from “Rancho Santa Margarita”, which is absolutely a lie you tell a creeper hitting on you when you’re drunk. Oh where am I from? I’m from a little town named Blue Cheese Mimosa. You’ve never heard of it? Weird. Amanda also has two kids. So her vagina is twice ruined and she’s only 25. Lastly she’s wearing her belt over her jeans.

Leah, 25

Leah

Leah twerked in her interview and wants to be a mermaid. Basically she’s doubly unoriginal. And that purple onesie makes her look like Barney. NEXT.

Breanne, 30

Breanne

Breanne took a 30th birthday trip to NYC BY HERSELF. That sounds RLY fun. She’s adapted the Tyra Banks “smize” and her goals for this season of the Bachelor were to become a #PowerCouple with Ben. Everything about Breanne already annoys me. I feel like she’s probably a less hot version of Britt.

Jennifer, 25

Jennifer

Jennifer would choose to be a dolphin for their sex habits…this raises a red flag for me. Her reasoning is because they’re the only animal that has sex for pleasure but all I’m thinking is the fact that dolphins rape each other and people a lot. Do you see how this can be concerning, Jennifer? She also loves tanning in the nude so she’ll have a wild side I’m guessing.

LB, 23

LB

I get that there are roughly 100 Lauren’s this season and LB is probably just trying to differentiate herself but it FEELS a little like she’s stepping on LC’s toes here. LC is a thing. LB isn’t. LB once went on a date in a Nepal jungle (casual) also would want to be a dolphin. What’s the fascination with dolphins here, ladies? (If I’m being less judgmental LB is pretty and seems chill as hell but I’m here to point out the weird stuff first.)

Maegan, 30

Megan

Just like Juelia from last season, people who spell their name like assholes immediately feel my wrath. Unnecessary vowels inconvenience me in recaps. Maegan followed up her silly spelling by being a cowgirl who loves to play grab ass at bars and owns a mini horse that she often kicks it with. She could be hilarious. She also could be wildly obnoxious. We’ll have to see how she toes the line.

Olivia, 23

Olivia

As if you couldn’t tell from this headshot, Olivia is a news anchor. Her guilty pleasure is french fries. A guilty pleasure is watching every holiday movie that Hallmark releases each year. Omg Olivia, it’s so embarrassing that you secretly love french fries.

Caila, 24

Caila

Caila has a tattoo of the Hawaiian islands on her hip. Her ideal amount of children would be 3 because they would fit in her car. Supes practical. She hates guys who swear and that’s why she’s on the lower end of the list. My truck driver mouth doesn’t approve.

Jubilee, 24

Jubilee

Jubilee’s bio made me laugh out loud when they asked what type of music she liked and she said, “Country music. Don’t judge me LOL!”

Laura, 24

Laura

Laura can’t live without key lime pie. Seems odd.

Samantha, 26

Samantha

Nothing excites me about Samantha. She’s an attorney from Florida and fears awkward silence on a date. ZzzzZzz I fear that she’ll put me to sleep on a date.

Jackie, 23

Jackie

Jackie’s gonna be the one to stay fit while living in the mansion and crush everyone at physical competitions. She’s a runner with no regrets.

Lauren H, 25

Lauren H

Fingers crossed the Lauren’s drop like flies the first night otherwise these recaps will be a nightmare. This Lauren is already kissing ass before even getting to the mansion. She said she would love to be Chris Harrison for a day. She also pinterests wedding ideas at work so she’s got a little bit of the crazy.

Jami, 23

Jami

Another bartender, in her bio, Jami admits to be an “inexperienced” lover. Essentially she just painted a shiny virginal target on her back before even having the chance to get too much champagne in her and confess it to a bunch of strangers. C’mon girl…know how to play the game.

Lauren R, 26

Lauren R

If Lauren R. could have lunch with any three people she would choose Jesus, Michelangelo, and Justin Timberlake..in that order. At least big J got the first invite. Do you think Jesus and Michelangelo are the type to go for lunch brews and then go back to work? Cause JT fo sho would. Lauren R also looks like she’s not wearing pants above.

Isabel, 24

Isabel

Izzy’s pretty normal. She dabbled in 50 shades of Grey but doesn’t normally read, loves Tay & Beyonce oh and her family vacations when she was young consisted of chartering a private yacht around the Virgin Islands. Ho hum, just a normal girl like me and you.

Shushanna, 27

Shushanna

Shush will be easy to point out because she’s a smokeshow mathematician named Shushanna. I like when people stand out and make my recaps easier. Unfortunately other than those facts she’s not real spicy.

Lauren B, 25

Lauren B

Not only are there 100 Laurens, but there are 2 Lauren B’s. DRAMA. This LB is a flight attendant who crushes mimosas and brunch (and probably yoga, iced coffee and Netflix.) She’s the most basic of white bitches and I would probably be fast friends with her if we ever met.

Rachel, 23

Rachel

Rachel right here is my gurrrrlll. She’s the first one I’ve seen own up to being unemployed. PREACH! As a fellow participant of #Funemployment I immediately identified with her. She sealed the deal of our love affair by saying if she could be any animal she’d be the cookie monster and eat a bunch of cookies. Which is essentially all I do while I’m unemployed. I hope she makes it to the finals but if she doesn’t, I hope even more that she calls me so we can kick it.

Joelle, 24

Joelle

Joelle goes by Jojo. GET OUTTT RIGHT NOWWW, IT’S THE END OF YOUUU AND MEEE. JoJo can make a 3 leaf clover with her tongue (hear that, Ben?) and wants more than anything to be a part of Tay’s squad. Same, girl., same. She reads a lot of self help books so she probably knows how to go after what she wants and obviously she’s a dime. I feel like she’s going to be a strong contender in the competition.

Well there you have it. T’s & P’s for this season of The Bachelor. Tune in January 4th for the no doubt 5 hour premiere event and visit the full cast bios here.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Prince Farming Finds His Milk Maid

chrisbachelor

Welp, the day has come. I’d like to personally toot my own horn for lasting this entire season and making the best of it with lots of wine and lots of snark. That being said, this finale was a REAL snoozefest. Like probably the most boring two hours of television I’ve ever watched leading up to the most predictable proposal, like ever. So let’s dig in, corn lovahs.

We find ourselves in Arlington, Iowa again…unfortunately- so that the ladies can all meet Chris’s family and be one with the farms. Speaking of being one with the farm, now that Chris is back amongst his crops he does a lot of walking into the snow-covered fields and staring off into the distance, thinking about his next milking or who he was going to marry or whatever.

Whitney

Whitney meets the entire family for lunch and there’s tears and a toast about how much she loves Chris and his family and how important this is and everyone is already her family, so there. She’s just as heavy on the self-tanner as she is on the love for Chris’s family. It’s winter in Iowa girl, T it down with the orange lotion. The sisters also chat with Whitney and it becomes very clear that they’re Team Whit.

When Chris sits down with the sisters he talks mostly about Becca—because the only hesitation Chris has with Whitney is that he has “another girl he really likes.” Apparently Chris is in high school talking to his sisters about who he’ll take to prom. Continuing the high school theme, Chris has a SUPER difficult time talking about why he loves Becca. He basically starts listing her superlatives, you know she’s athletic and stuff…

Whitney and Mama Soules have a good heart to heart where naturally Whitney cries a lot and says all the right things. Chris’s mom is like yeah I love the shit out of you but it’s not my decision. Regardless, Whitney is confident that she’s the future Mrs. Soules.

Chris and his boyz meet in the tool shed, as farm bros do, to talk about his DIFFICULT decision. The men wear a variation of colored plaid shirts and Old Navy Tech vests as they try to concentrate on the gibberish that Chris is spewing. His boys are team Whitney because Whit has already agreed to give up everything she’s ever owned to live in Arlington and Becca’s like meh, maybe.

Becca

Becca rolls into Tumbleweed city with a cake and a case of the nervsies. She feels better once Chris sings the Be Yourself song to her.

Works every time. Inside, there’s literally kids crawling all over the place, which probably doesn’t help Becca’s apprehension to commit to getting married and popping out baby farmers stat. At dinner, everyone laughs about how the Arlington “downtown” area is a dump hole with only a post office. What a sad existence. Do you think they’re all drugged? Becca becomes little miss Jokey McJokester and says if she moves there she’ll tell her family to stop texting her and communicate only through snail mail. Lawlz, Becca. Methinks a carrier pigeon might be more efficient.

Chris sits down with the sisters once again and the CSI music is seriously overwhelming. It’s distracting that I feel like we’re finding a rapist murderer instead of listening to his sisters give him advice on how to communicate with women. Same thing, really.

The convo between Becca and Mama Soules starts out quite lovely as Mom tells Becca that because Chris is so picky must mean she’s a special one. But he also needs a bitch to move to Iowa and be his farm slave, so things get passive aggressive real quick. Mama Soules starts to bully Becca into admitting she’s in love and Becca obviously is terrified so she’s like yeah maybe I am in love with Chris. Finally the mama bear lays down the hammer with LIVE YOUR LIFE, NO RAGRETS, Tim Riggins style. She makes Becca cry like a big kid on the playground. Becca leaves real unsure of her future as Chris walks down a barren road, probably heading toward town to see if there’s any human life still existing. It’s looking grim.

Becca & Chris Last Date

Chris wants to know if Becca can really see herself moving to Iowa FOR-EVER. FOREVER. Essentially Becca can’t make any promises of when she would be ready to move to Shit-Town, USA and her and Chris have their first real fight. Chris sits her down job interview style and is like can you give me your five year plan. Don’t EVER ask a girl what her five year plan is, unless her name is Whitney I guess because that girl basically handed over her letter of resignation in Bali. Anyway Becca is like all I know is that I want you AKA she’ll be giving up dat V real soon. Finally it comes out that she’s scared she won’t have her own life in Arlington (Becca is a human with real thoughts.) And Chris is like AHA I GOTCHA, YOU HATE ARLINGTON. Chris then cries about it afterward in his button up sweater in front of a globe artfully positioned next to some lit romantic candles. This is his Becca’s about to get kicked on outta here vibe.

Whitney & Chris Last Date

They ride around on the tractor and Chris teaches Whitney how to do donuts around the corn. Whitney gets turned on at how Chris farms, duhs. He gives Whitney the tour of all the farms he owns and brings her to the bachelor pad. One day, this could all be yours, Whitney-Son. Girl gets emosh again and talks about how right everything is and how thankful she is for this journey because she straight up can’t stop crying and word vomiting her love for him. Chris says everyone and everything and every piece of dirt in his land is AWESOME, awesome, awesome. Whitney takes this opportunity alone with Chris to tell him she’s obsessed with him and they can tell each other everything with just one look and totally finish each other’s sentences. Chris starts to say This is…and Whitney jumps in with AWESOME. They’re so in love.

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Last Rose

Neil Lane has appeared to give away a diamond ring in exchange for free advertising and also to complain about Iowa. The music swells again and seriously the sound mixer for this show deserves to be fired. It’s so overwhelming. The girls get ready and gown up to hit the barn that has been decorated like a whimsical forest but probably still smells like cow shit and horses. Chris puts on a real show of saying he might not propose to anyone and he’s so torn when really we all know what’s going to happen. Nice try, dum dum. He also talks a lot about how HARD he has been working to get to this moment…it was a HUGE missed opportunity that the producers didn’t flash back to a montage of him making out with all the ladies while he said this. Oh yeah, Chris? You really worked for it.

Becca arrives first so we already know she’s dunzo. She enters the barn of love and Chris has a legitimate face seizure when he sees her. I was actually concerned that he would need a paramedic to recover. He says he can totally see Becca as his wife and farm slave but she just ain’t ready for that shit. Then he pukes out a bunch of clichés (eloquently of course, as he’s known to do)– I’m not giving you what you need, you’re going to make someone incredibly happy, blah blah blah. Instead of spiking the rose off of his stupid rambling face like I wanted her to do, Becca tells him that she respects him and that he’s going be a fab hubs. It’s classy of her but realistically I didn’t sit through two hours of boring-fest to watch a girl say thank you for your time, byeee. You can tell she’s ACTUALLY relieved that she doesn’t have to ditch her fab mid-twenties lifestyle in Cali to move to a farm and start wearing a bonnet. Becca doesn’t even cry when she leaves, she just smiled because it happened. Chris watches her go and as we were forced to watch him stare into space again for a solid 2 minutes, I started to get irritated until my friend Lindsey pointed out that he was probably supposed to be talking but he just couldn’t find the words. So we’re cutting The Bachelor producers a little slack for working with a moron.

FINALLY, Whitney approaches the barn in what can only be described as a gown that a middle aged woman would wear to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Whitney comes in hot with the jabber jaws and literally won’t shut up about how much she loves Chris (really?! We had NO idea!) and basically doesn’t let Chris speak for five minutes. Chill, grl. Chris is eventually like oh is it my turn? He speaks and it’s like Shakespeare himself reciting prose. Just kidding, he still stutters and stammers and is like I love you, I love you, I LOOOOOVE you. He really likes that they both want the same things, which is to live in a desolate town and reproduce a slew of future farmers. You know, because Chris told Whitney to want these things and she was like OK!!! He gets down on one knee and I’m disappointed that they didn’t incorporate a haystack in this, there’s so much loud kissing and so many I love yous that I needed a barf bucket to get through it. They end watching that Iowa sunset and Britt sneaks out from behind a tree to remind everyone that the sunset is what made her fall in love with Arlington, and she could still move there if need be, NBD but HBD. And so the dolphin laugh ends up with the piercing Mickey Mouse voice…(as my friend Courtney pointed out) could there ever be a more perfect match?

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Deep Thoughts from Chris:

“I am dating two extremely awesome girls and I feel like I’m falling in love with them so I have an extremely hard decision to make.” I’m pretty disappointed that C. Harrison, the novelist, didn’t give Chris a Thesaurus before the final episode. That would’ve been like extremely AWESOME!

“We’ve got to get some dirt in those pink nails of yours.” Chris “I’m gonna put you to work once you’re my wife” Soules, ladies. RUN, WHITNEY, RUN!

“I’m so happy to be in the barn where I raised my first pig”-Chris thinking about pigs instead of proposals. Sounds about right.

AFTER SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

-Whitney only watched her dates with Chris this season. I wonder why… did she not want to see him slop all over every woman in the house?

-Chris actually utters the sentence: “I knew you had never fellen in love.” to Becca. Chris handles live TV and facing exes like nobody’s biz. Mr. Smooth.

-Bonus clip: Chris’s parents surprise them after the proposal and talk about pumping out kids and “practicing”. All the uncomfies. Even Whitney was like ha-ha you’re ruining this moment, go away now.

-Onion Pomegranate gets more air time and will get even more on Bachelor in Paradise.Girl is cashing IN on a damn onion.

-Jimmy Kimmel comes out and makes fun of everything then parades a cow out into the audience. Jimmy Kimmel still wins this season.

In a SHOCKING twist…they save the announcement for last that….

Drumroll

No seriously, wait for it. I HAD TO.

Apparently Bachelor nation couldn’t choose between Britt or Kaitlyn for the next Bachelorette so they decided WHY NOT BOTH?! I’ve never seen a more polarizing reaction from an audience. Chris Harrison was like clearly you were torn up about this and I’m surprised someone didn’t just stand up and shout TEAM KAITLYN because everyone is OBVIOUSLY team Kaitlyn. So apparently in the first ever 2 for 1 Bachelorette special,  the men will choose which one is wife material like they’re shopping for a mail order bride… Wonder who they’ll choose-Britt who gives free hugs (wink) or Kaitlyn who tells good jokes. My girl Kaitlyn got the shaft and she knows it. They even put them in matching sparkle dresses for the announcement. Yiiiikes this is gonna be bad.

bachelorettes

But you bet your bottom dollar I’ll be here to recap the trainwreck that it is. Until next time Bachelor Nation….now who wants in on the over/under of Whitney and Chris’s breakup? Anyone? Anyone?

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor: The Women All Cry in One Room

betches

Come one, come all (if you’re middle aged and have a lot of feelings) to the live-action scorned women showdown. Your honorable host, Chris Harrison will be taming the circus tonight and showing everyone his comedic chops as he asks the hard-hitting questions and tames the wild mustangs waiting in the wings to attack. Unfortunately I missed the first twenty minutes, but before anyone can get sassy, I’d like to confess that I ran out of wine this weekend (not really sure how THAT’S possible) and I watched this episode stone cold sober. For that, I deserve a full applause. Let’s get right to Mz. Free Hugs.

Britt:

Oh how the mighty have fallen, Britt takes the hot seat to defend how she went from top sloppy makeout dog to crying on a curb. There’s a little scuffle between her and Kardashley about the comment that she didn’t want to have kids ever. This is the part where Britt lists her resume which is chock-full of working with children so OF COURSE SHE WANTS KIDS, KARDASHLEY YOU IGNORANT SLUT. Kardashley is like ok maybe I heard wrong, luh yew girl.

Then comes the Carly vs. Britt battle. Might I point out first of all that whoever told Carly to bleach her hair even blonder than it already was and leave her eyebrows brown is the real MVP here. I never actually thought Carly’s eyebrows could get weirder but we fully achieved it tonight because they looked like they were drawn on with a Mr. Sketch brown cinnamon scented marker.

carlybrows

Anyway, not to get catty because Carly already took care of that when she started out by saying, “I actually don’t have a problem with Britt, I have no ill will at all.” Even C. Harrison was like Bitch, Please to that bullshit. Carly tells the whole story of the show that we all watch three hours of every Monday, like we’re a bunch of morons who didn’t know what was happening. You’re not talking to Chris Soules anymore, Carly you can bring the education level up a notch or five. Britt spends this time trying to interject every five seconds and also rolling her eyes like nobody’s biz. Britt gives good eye roll. Finally she’s had enough and says, “You’ve pretty much narrated my love story for the past three weeks, so can I say something?” SHUT. DOWN. SOMEBODY CALL THE COPS BECAUSE THERE HAS BEEN A MURDER. No but seriously, I would’ve respected Britt a little more in this argument had she not spent the whole time looking at the lights and scrunching her face trying to make herself cry. After the commercial break we return to Britt sobbing and C. Harrison with his head propped in his hand like don’t you fret girrrllll everyone’s just jelly of you. C. Harrison set a precedent for crushing it as variety hour host right about here.

CHRIS HARRISON, BRITT

Kelsey:

If anything is going to make a room of biddies erupt I didn’t expect it to be the widow of Sanderson Poe with her sensible mom haircut. It was like the line for pizza after the bars close with all those women in their cheap dresses looking for a rumble the second Kelsey hit that stage. She reacted well though, like the sociopath that she is. They show her Oscar-worthy montage (I’m still holding out for the Lifetime movie…c’mon guys it’s not like you’re a respectable network, you cashed in on Brittany Murphy’s death with an actress who looked nothing like her…not that I watched or anything.) Anywho, immediately after watching, Kelsey reveals, “I feel like I’m grieving all over again.” You would’ve thought she admitted to killing Chris Soules and sleeping with his dead body every night with the facial expressions amongst the fellow ladies after that.

kels

Once they’ve recovered from frozen shock face, the girls all try to butt in with bitchy comments that they just keep shouting out. Kelsey gets emotional as one does when they’re trying to act for cameras and C.Harrison gives her his silk handkerchief to snot rocket into. At that, Kardashley whose going for the award of Most Gif-able reaction shots, gives Kelsey a look like she’s the dirtiest scum bucket alive.

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C.Harrison asks hey, so Kelsey, do you maybe see after that clip that you were kind of a twat? And Kelsey is like hmm maybe a touch. Chris nearly has to go WWE smack down to keep the bitches from clawing Kelsey to death when he opens up the floor to them. Ju(e)lia hits her first and says she’s also a widow and Kelsey is the fakest person she’s ever met. BOOM. Helmet Megan also kicks it into high gear about losing a parent and calling Kelsey’s bullshit. SMACK. Trina, who’s Trina? Hates her stinkin guts too. CRASH. SAMANTHA SPEAKS!!! This alone deserves a rose. Girl thinks she got voted off the island because Kelsey got a panic attack rose. (She’s actually really nice about it, too bad we never heard her utter a peep all season.) Kelsey gets real teary about people saying her husband didn’t even exist and Kardashley’s like welllllll does he? As she sobs all over the joint, Chris goes “Clearly this has been an emotional journey for you.” Clearly, Chris.

Onion Pomegranate:

Hey everyone, Ashley S. the batshit crazy one is back, because we need an upper before everyone starts crying again. The crowd watches OP’s loony bin clips like it’s a five star standup comedy routine. They show different people laughing like maniacs and then pan to Ashley S. who tries way too hard to look like she’s in on the joke. Then she brings an onion up to Chris and says she’s been growing them, and it instantly becomes clear that this girl’s act will not quit. She’s committed hard. C.Harrison thrives on being the host of crazy town hour and he milks it for all it’s worth. He asks Ashley what the cats were saying to her in the mesa verde and who she really is as a human being. Apparently she likes to ride bikes. She also still is unsure of what planet she’s actually on. C Harrison invites her to go on Bachelor in Paradise, for ratings of course. Instead of answering she stares those dead eyes off into space and says, it’s so weird that we’re on TV, before I assume she walks toward the camera and touches it in wonder with her mouth open.

onion

Does it smell good, Chris?

Jade:

Jade is looking ROUGH tonight and I’m kind of disappointed in her. She can’t pull her shit together and basically just barely sobs out that Chris’s blog for People (which unfortunately I read every week to gain insight on if he has brain activity—spoiler alert: he doesn’t) hurt her feelings. Apparently he said her being wild disgusted her or something and she’s read it every single day since he dumped her while listening to Jewel’s You Were Meant for Me and letting the fat tears roll down her face. All jokes aside she just wants closure from him because he obviously lied to her Playboy posing face about why he was cutting her loose. Good luck, girl. You’re gonna get more support from the middle aged women passionately nodding at you in the audience than stammery Soules.

 

Kaitlyn:

Kaitlyn continues to be my favorite in this whole slew of overly dramats women because not only does she look fab in a tight white crop coordinates outfit (take notes on how to dress when you see someone who dumped you on TV for the first time in months, Jade) but Kaitz also holds her shit together and comes across as an intelligent woman. Without sobbing, she articulates that she was falling in love and feeling confident at the rose ceremony and can pinpoint when her heart was broken. She wants to find out why the hell Chris would tell her he’s falling in love with her and also most definitely have sex with her in the fantasy suite just to axe her in a foreign country while wearing a festive robe. Are we seeing a trend here with Chris not handling his women well and lying a lot, ladiezzz? Jus sayin. These women should probably cut their losses and feel good about dodging a bullet, especially mah gurl Kaitlyn. Even though Kaitlyn has a good interview and I want to support her, she also spends the whole time onstage aggressively licking her lips and it gets REAL distracting.

kait

And the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the doofus himself, Chris “Sweaty Pits Won’t Quit” Soules arrives: (No really… HAVE WE NOT LEARNED THAT CHRIS WILL MAKE THINGS WORSE?)

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Is everyone here mad at me or something?

All he has to do is walk into the room and already Britt bursts into tears. Oh yeah, I just have that effect on women; they just want to cry immediately upon seeing me because that’s how terrible I treat them. This is what I imagine Chris says to his cows back home when he chitchats with them every morning. Britt asks to come up and brings it all full circle by giving Chris a 45 minute long uncomfy hug…FOR FREE. This evokes a hard eye roll from Carly. All I get from this convo is that Britt respects and loves Chris and Chris just stutters a lot. Smooth start.

britt

Kaitlyn gets a turn next to ask Chris a bunch of questions that he will pretend to listen to and then just open his mouth and hope for the best while responding. Kaitlyn once again is very composed and just wants to know why he would stick it in her and say he’s in love with her then say peace out girlfraaann. Also having her sit through that rose ceremony when he knew she was going home WAS pretty brutal Chris’s response was: Ughh blub blub this is my first time being the bachelor HAHA. Kaitlyn should be the next goddamn Oprah and she’s dealing with this ooga booga.

And finally, Jade asks if she can come up to talk to Chris about why he checked out her nudies and then said it gave him a weird boner. She gets all sobsies and really doesn’t help her case of exposing how dumb Chris is. Unfortunately we have to hear the phrase wild mustang like 5 more times. And in the end Chris stammers out uh yeah YOU would’ve felt awkward too so HA. And then inserts tail between legs and apologizes because at this point there’s nothing else he can do. The damage was done when he told every single girl he loved them and then massaged their mouths with his. Time to move on from this VERY difficult time in his life.

And just because there were so many tears…here are the blooper reel highlights:

-Chris’s HIDEOUS laugh montage juxtaposed with dolphin sounds (This is the point where I seriously thought the producers knew I had run out of wine and were just straight up torturing me.)

-Jillian burning her black box on a hot chair…I think that’s what full shorts were invented for but who am I to jump to conclusions.

-Shit falling on Kelsey’s head, can we really call that a blooper or was it more of a ploy to get her to GO OFF.

-Kardashley spitting champagne up on herself, cause she doesn’t swallow. HEYYOOOO.

In closing, in the most inorganic and forced way possible, insert shameless self-promotion of C. Harrison’s new harlequin romance novel. Because apparently if you mediate a reality show with people looking for love, you’re now qualified to pen a novel. You do you, C.Harrison.

Next week it all comes to an end folks and I think I’m actually sad about it. Who will I make fun of on a weekly basis? Anyway, stay tuned to find out if Chris picks Becca or Whitney or if his head just hurts too much from everything being SO hard that he hightails it back to Arlington without a hostage wife.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Time to Get Down to Biz…On Sacred Ground

chrisbachelor

This week starts out in the mystical land of Bali. Prince Farming may be out of his element because there are actual people in this city but he doesn’t let it shake him as he shouts in a market like a foreigner and plays instruments with starving children. He’s so cultured now. I’m really proud. He stares out at the water with his new monkey friends and ponders what it will be like to finally bang one out after weeks of tonguing every woman he speaks to.

Kaitlyn’s Date

Kaitlyn and Chris go to a local temple, no kissing allowed, and Kaitlyn must cover up her buhhole hanging out of her tight pink cutoffs plus her open back top. Show some respect, gurl. They balance baskets on their heads and Chris wears a turban that makes him look like more of an idiot than usual. Chris introduces Kaitlyn as his girlfriend to the villagers, so apparently we’re now watching sister wives. “Everyone is so nice here,” Chris and Kaitlyn agree… and it has absolutely nothing to do with the camera crew following them around. They kick it with their monkey friends who they feed bananas to. The monkeys inspire Kaitlyn to go after what she wants: Chris’s banana.

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Later at dinner, Kaitlyn is shaking and she doesn’t know why…I’m guessing it’s because she’s visibly shaken by how sweaty Chris is. Chris sweats in regular moderate temps and as you can imagine, putting him in a tropical atmosphere has pushed his hyperhidrosis through the roof. Bro has pit stains down to his waist. Kaitlyn is having a hard time letting her guard down, Chris tries to relate but ummm I’m pretty sure you’re not also vulnerable Chris, this is your show and you have the upper hand. Quit bitching and choose your biddy. Chris invites Kaitlyn to the fantasy suite, and follows it up with, “I think we deserve this…” AKA “I think I deserve to get a little ‘tration after several weeks of foreplay.” Kait is falling in love with him and is also ready to sex it up in an all expenses paid resort.

Whitney’s Date

Whitney runs into Chris’s arms and wraps her legs around him, because apparently every female contestant is obsessed with the leg wrap greeting. They have a yacht picnic in the Indian Ocean like they’re Jay & Bey or something. The 12-year-old yacht conductor (?) drives the massive boat into the dock, so things start off with a real bang. Whit throws mad shade at sis Kimberly just because she wouldn’t give her approval last week and isn’t living in La La Reality TV Land. Whitney, please don’t apologize for a sister who has rational thought. Chris responds with like don’t worry about it, it’s awkward and stuff. Whitney is reassured. They jump in the water to be spontaneous, but I’m just concerned that Whitney’s going to come out about 4 shades lighter after that spray tan mixes with the Indian Ocean. The creepy child driver is rooting them on as they make out like a solid peeping Tom.

Whit sashays into dinner in a dazzling lime green vacation maxi dress. Whitney reminds Chris that she never got to see Arlington and Chris is like lemme paint a picture for you: there’s 4 people who live there and there’s nothing to do there at all so you have to go other places. I spend most of my time on the couch as a shut in, so would you like to live there with me? Whitney’s like hey I would never choose to live there but I want to be a wife and mom lalala. I’m going to leave my entire career behind for you, mostly because I’m guessing they don’t need any fertility clinics in Arlington, maybe they should focus on grocery stores first. And with that, Whitney has created the new feminist motto: I’ll give up everything just to marry you. Career schmareer. She’s rewarded for her good woman decisions with the fantasy suite.

Becca’s Date

Welcome to Bali, Becca—check out this small child carrying 100 lbs of vegetables on his head while you stare at him in your leather romper and stress about your virgin confession! Chris gets to see how people without tractors (or simple technology) farm, and it’s really exciting for him to watch the hard labor. They kick it with some of the toddlers who are probably on their lunch break from work and take pictures, rubbing their iPhones in these poor children’s faces. Then they see a love guru/medium/someone wearing a turban. He tells Chris that Becca is hard to control. But then also tells them to make love in order for their date to go well. Chris clearly slipped him a 20 beforehand. This will pay for his rent for three years. Becca is starting to feel temptations though because vacation sex, and they’re making out in a babbling brook.

Chris says that he can envision a life with every single one of these girls. This is when my wine buzz kicks in and I shout at my TV: YOU CAN ONLY PICK ONE, CHRIS. FIGURE IT OUT! Becca word vomits a lot of stupid stuff about trying to find someone to love, and also points out how small Arlington is, like Chris DOESN’T KNOW, gawd Becca you’re SO STUPID. Becca’s real unsure of if she’s ready to commit to such a shitty town when she’s never been in love before and doesn’t know how love feels or anything. Chris replies, oh PS I think I’m falling in love with you too just like everyone else–because he can’t bear to say something to one girl and not the rest. No one left behind. Except for Kardashley, whose body can be found in the Badlands. He also gives her a fantasy suite so that he can sharesies whatever he has leftover from the last two bang sesh’s he just had. (Side note: am I the only one who things it’s a little suspicious that all these girls are AOK with him taking each one of them for a test drive in the same weekend?)

Once they’re fantasy suite-ing it up she’s like ok, TRUTH BOMB TIME. You ain’t getting any tonight! When Becca admits she’s a virg, Chris is smirking so uncomfortably and has quite literally no idea how to respond to it. “I’m glad that…uhh…I respect…um I’m surprised…and um, uh….that’s the truth.” Becca is FLOORED at how perfect his response is. WHAT WORLD AM I LIVING IN? That response was turrible.

The next morning…Chris says the night went swimmingly (as swimmingly as a night without fantasy suite porking can go) and while Becca walks along the beach, he ponders if he should lock the virgin out. Girl has no idea as she walks through the waves that Chris is quietly sobbing into the infinity pool about possibly having to cut her loose.

Chris sits down with C.Harrison to tell him he’d like to choose polygamy and move to Utah with these three boo’s. C.Harrison is like cut the shit and pick one. This week’s drinking buzz word is clarity, and boy does Chris need some in this Bali tropical fog to help him send one packing.

Rose Ceremony

The gang all gathers at a holy ground where it is vital that C. Harrison tells Chris not to rape anyone’s mouths here because that’s extremely disrespectful. I also find this orange belt on Chris pretty disrespectful but who am I to judge. Things are immediately SO hard, so he pulls Becca aside to chat. Becca knows she’s on the chopping block and she’s like I’m definitely in love with you now so don’t send me home. Becca says she’ll do whatever it takes just to stay with him. I finally have to cover my eyes to shield them from all of the female groveling that is occurring for a man who giggled when she confessed she’s a virgin.

After Chris collected his thoughts and exhaled for an exorbitant amount of time to fill the remaining ten minutes, he gives Whitney the first rose. The second rose goes to Becca and Kaitlyn has the BEST “bitch, please” look on her face.

bachelor-kaitlyn-goodbye

Kaitlyn and Chris say their goodbyes. She handles it like a champ considering he dealt with this like he did with every woman on this show, baby bitch style. He blubbers about how hard it was and how confused he is…and clarity… and she just lets him dribble out a whole lot of dumb. Girl scoops up her pride and dignity and peaces on out of Bali. Kaitlyn is the bomb.com and words cannot express how happy I am that he axed her so she can walk free and do cool shit and not end up with this DUD.

Best Quotes:

“This is a great start to the beginning of the rest of our life.” Does Kaitlyn know that everyone else also got bang suites?

“I’m thankful we didn’t get eaten by sharks today.”- Chris should probably be more thankful their child yacht driver got them safely back to shore rather than the slim chance that camera crews allowed them to swim in shark-infested waters.

“Unfortunately it’s not so cut and dry.”- C. Harrison. Whoa, this is what they pay you the big bucks for? C.Harrison is a modern day therapist coming in hot with the tough love advice. Just kidding, he’s paid to just sit there and agree that things are REALLY HARD.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Home Is Where The Wild Mustang Is (Part 2)

chrisbachelor

We pick up where we left off on Sunday night, in Iowa with a bunch of hostile women pretending to picture themselves living in the most boring town in America where they would always smell like cow shit. Chris kicks it with Becca while the girls trash talk as per usual. Chris tries to woo Becca by telling her even though this isn’t some fancy place like Italy or Belgium; it’s still SO great. Hard sell, Chris. Becca reveals that she has never been in love and also her last relationship was 4 years. I find that pretty weird, but who am I to judge…Just kidding, Becca is honest and far from fake in their open conversation and she’s probably my favorite on this show. They seal the deal with some sunset kisses and you can see Britt sneaking out from the corner to Instagram the Iowa sunset for her new account “I ❤ Iowa.”

It’s cocktail party time, but before the girls can paint their faces on (quite literally), Britt reveals that she’s so hurt over Chris not rose-ing her that she’s going to pack her shit and bid farewell at the cocktail party. Carly calls her bluff because she hates her with a fiery flame of passion and Britt’s like hey everyone CTFD, I don’t want to upset you, I love you girls FOREVA. In a shocking turn of events, there is no cocktail party and therefore no time for Jade to talk about her naked past or Britt to beg Chris to beg her to stay.

Chris starts his queer speech about making the tough decisions and Britt cuts in to ask if they can just have a real quick chat. She apologizes for putting him in an awk position when she word gommicked all over him. Chris looks like he smells an onion burp, which is pretty typical for his listening face. Then Britt turns it on him and asks what he has to say to her, AKA time to beg her to stay. He doesn’t want a wife who lies a lot, I guess, because he tells Britt to take her free hugs and kisses and give them to someone else. Britt drapes her body on the curb and scream sobs outside to remind every one what it was like to live with KardASHLEY. Carly gets all mean girl in her aside with an evil laugh and a glass full of Britt’s tears. Britt cries into the camera something along the lines of; I thought Carly was my friend even though she was constantly insulting me to my face waaaahhhhh.

byebritt

Chris comes back with a stern look to announce that he kicked Britt to the curb, literally because her sobs can still be heard from the curb in which she lies. I’m here to find forever, LADIES…is what he announces before he roses Kaitlyn, Whitney, Becca and Jade. Carly doesn’t get a rose. She’s surprised, eternally of course. Her heart is completely broken and she’s sad ALL the time so it’s good to see that she’s not taking this too hard. She also shouts, “WHATS WRONG WITH ME?” and I have to cover my eyes because this is so sad and embarrassing. Realistically, she kinda set herself up for failure when she made a hand puppet of Britt complete with lipstick.

Becca- Shreveport, Louisiana

Becca gives Chris a canoe pep talk, but still doesn’t reveal that she’s a viiiiirgin. Although after this visit it wouldn’t be out of left field for Chris to guess. Becca’s family announces ad nauseum that they’ve never seen her near a guy and how truly weird it is that she even knows how to talk to the opposite gender. Becca’s sis sits down with Chris and lays down a real impressive cock block when she tells him that Becca doesn’t like touching or kissing or any of that nonsense. If this were my sister we would have a murder on our hands for how bad she makes Becca sound to her potential husband. Mom adds on to this by telling Chris it’s shocking to see that Becca and Chris hold hands. Our only remaining virgin decides to trap Chris in a fantasy suite before telling him she’s not going to bone until marriage, and I for one can’t wait to see that go down. (No seriously, SOMETHING’S gonna go down when she breaks that news…Get it guys? A boner deflating joke. Not funny? K never mind.) Annnyyyway, at the end of their home visit, Chris surprises Becca with a trip to the State Fair and a private Ferris wheel ride, which is a pretty cute idea. I’ll give him that. They can never top Marissa and Ryan’s Ferris wheel kiss though. Don’t try to knock the champs from the top of the wheel, Chris.

Whitney- Chicago, IL

First stop in Whit’s town=her work, womp womppppp. “Let’s make a baby!” she tells Chris in her shrillest tone imaginable. He shadows her at work and they both wear scrubs and then Whit tricks Chris into J’ing it into a cup so she can test his sperm. He basically grabs the Playboy (which issue, I wonder?) and shoos her out. Not before Whitney can be like GOTCHA, LOLZ, Please don’t masturbate at my place of employment!!! HAHA. Side note: How does Whitney have a real job and also was able to leave for months of filming a TV show? Where do I also find a job like that?

They go to meet Whitney’s family after and Chris wants to ask Whitney’s sister for permission to propose. (PS Whitney’s mint necklace is on point.) Whitney’s sister, Kimberly is looking pretty judgey. She’s all, “you don’t need my approval to do what you want, you’re a grown woman.” And Whitney is upset that she’s not jumping for joy. The sassternaut sister tells Chris to his face that he can call her and ask again when he’s not dating four women at once. Point: Whitney’s Sis. In the end, Whitney wants to open a bottle of wine she was saving for her love. She gets sobby and says she’s absolutely fallen in life with him. Hearts are aflutter at the first real intense declaration of love.

Kaitlyn-Arizona/Canada?

Kaitlyn, always the fun party gal brings Chris to a recording studio first, to write a rap. Obviously Kaitlyn crushes her verses, my favorite was: “I hope that all you noticed was my knockout dress.” Chris jumps in for his verses and has absolutely NO FLOW. Andy Milonakis is a better rapper than Chris and he used to rap about mouse dicks. True story. Seriously bro are you good at anything other than growing corn?

They go to dinner with the whole fam and sit around a classy fire pit table. Kaitlyn chats with her super glam mom about how she could potentially fall in love with Chris. Right now though, she only hearts him, whereas Whitney looooves him. Mom ACTUALLY sees a twinkle in Kaitlyn’s eye, or she’s had one too many glasses of Chard, either way. Kait’s mom doesn’t even want to talk to Chris, so that’s awk that she hates him or something. At the end Kaitlyn surprises Chris with a billboard she made that says Kaitlyn ❤ Chris like she just signed his yearbook. It’s pretty lameskis.

Jade-Nebraska

Here we are. The big reveal. Chris and Jade’s dad sit down togets and her dad tells Chris she’s a real pistol and most boys can’t handle his daughter. (I’m assuming he found this out when his co-workers were taking her issue of playboy into the bathroom with them.) Her brothers talk about her aspiring modeling career and give us the line of the night when they call her a wild mustang. They also call her a free spirit. Basically Jade’s whole family is trying to warn Chris that she’s a loose goose in the nicest way possible. That perplexes him of course. The brothers basically tell Chris to not to try to tame Jade, which makes me think maaaaybe she won’t fit into his Arlington lifestyle. Dad gives Jade a tearful pep talk about following her heart but WE’RE STILL WAITING FOR THE CONFESSION…

Finally Jade and Chris return to his hotel and she reiterates that she’s such a free spirit. Is that code for a little bit slutty now? I can’t keep up with the slang these days. Anyway, there’s a long stare and finally she’s like well I guess it’s time for me to bring this up because the producers told me to…Apparently when she moved from Nebraska to LA she was feeling really liberated and didn’t say no to anything. I didn’t exaggerate that, she actually said that she wouldn’t say no. There’s a lot of talking in circles and she eventually spits it out and immediately goes I could show you some photos! As she says that she lays her hands out in front of her like she’s holding out her baby’s first photo album and not opening up the spank bank of 13-year-old boys across America. Chris is like if that will make you feel more comfortable I won’t argue checking out some nudes. But then he’s pretttyyy uncomfy looking at Jade’s snatch with her gauging his reaction. He obviously has a weird boner from it. ABC doesn’t let us see any of them, what a bunch of squares. Anyway she’s embarrassed or nervous or whatever and Chris reassures her everything’s kosh even though everyone in America can see she’s outta here.

Rose Ceremony:

Roses-Whitney, Kaitlyn, Becca

See YA nudie magazine girl! Jade’s wearing a one-sleeve dress, which pretty much makes her defeat that much worse. Chris says goodbye to her and she shivers because her left arm is exposed. He tells her, things have moved faster with the other girls and that’s all there is to it, WINK. No seriously, Chris winked. It may have been a nervous twitch but we all saw that he was sneaky telling us she got cut cause Playboy. He wipes tears from his eyes as he waves goodbye to Jade’s limo fading into the night. I can only imagine what’s going through his mind; my first guess is “This was really hard.”

Best Quotes from Dum Dum Chris:

“I make corn. I can’t imagine what it would be like to make babies.”-Chris needs to go back to 6th grade health class.

“I’m pretty confident my soulesers are marching.”-Lulzzzz a little sperm pun for the perpetually immature (Me.)

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Arlington, Iowa. Anyone? Anyone? (Part 1)

chrisbachelor

This week The Bachelor decided to inundate it’s viewers with many extra hours of blubbering dum dums. And for that reason these recaps are delayed. This is the recap for Sunday night’s episode (discluding the tell-all that in reality told nothing) and hopefully Monday night’s episode recap will be up tomorrow SO NO SPOILERS, GUYZ.

Since we now have a trend of moving the rose ceremony to the next episode, Chris comes back from the Badlands with only a few puncture wounds from KardASHLEY and Kelsey. The girls cheer his victory over them and he severely downplays how sob city KardASHLEY was. Then Megan takes Chris aside before rose time and blubbers out many sentences that aren’t coherent. Basically she wants to know why she’s not a frontrunner and Chris says hey this is really hard, and she says ok thank youuu, bye. Chris REALLY lays it on thick and goes back to talk to the other girls about JUST how painful that was for him. Then says it 10 more times for good measure. ADD PAINFUL TO THE DRINKING GAME, THANKS CHRIS. He takes C.Harrison aside to tell him that this is just too painful to do and he would like to marry all of these women if that’s cool. Instead everyone gets to go to Iowa and no one gets sent home (except Helmet Megan), so HA HA the joke’s on all of you because you’re actually being punished either way.

Jade Visits Arlington

Chris talks to the cows and asks them if there’s a chance he convinces any of these betches to move to a farm. The cows ask why Chris hasn’t done pushups on haystacks yet. Good point, cows. Jade’s on her way into Arlington and she’s from a small town, so she knows how boring they are. She also did a girl next door spread in Playboy, so she knows what farm girls wear: nothing, duh. Chris shows Jade all of the vacant buildings and tumbleweeds of downtown Arlington. There are 0.0 bars in the entire city. I repeat, THERE ARE NO BARS IN ARLINGTON. I respect Jade for not kicking rocks right then. Jade tells the camera that she genuinely feels bad Chris even lives there, which I’m sure is comforting to him. At night they hit up the high school football game cause WHAT ELSE ARE THEY GOING TO DO? Jade meets the parents and they think she’s a lovely princess and not a softcore porn star. Then Chris & Jade sneak into his English classroom and it’s SO REBELLIOUS that the camera crew got permission to film there. Jade talks about how she’s a good girl and she works hard for everything and definitely didn’t show off her T&A to the general public or anything. They kiss in the middle of the football field to the sound of about ten screaming fans. The final moment is a Breakfast Club freeze frame of Chris and his gal and it’s just so poetic that I almost forget Jade is hiding Playboys underneath her bed from him.

Back at the house, Jade tells everyone about their football field kiss and Britt starts crying and makes it all about herself. Carly really amps up her weird cartoon voices and also decides to bring the leftovers (Becca, Britt and Kaitlyn) on a road trip to Arlington without Chris. They don’t understand that cow manure smells like farts, but they learn pretty quickly. Kaitlyn is dressed for a small town visit in a crop top, of course. They ask the pastor where he goes to drink and stuff. Good work, girls. He informs them that any human life is usually about an hour outside of the “city”. Britt was like hey this place blows I cannot ever live here, but then an Instagram-worthy sunset completely changed her mind cause she’d probably get lots of likes if she grammed the landscape out there every day. Carly continues to hate every single thing about Britt.

Let’s Look for Love in Des Moines-Whitney

Whitney and Chris go to an art museum with pictures of love because Des Moines is known for its art and culture. Also they’re going to document their love as well!! They take a lot of kissing selfies and also force other people to take pictures of them sucking face. Whitney wants to show these slobber fest photos to her kids one day. Hey Whit, I’m guessing your kids aren’t gonna wanna see their parents play tonsil hockey all over Des Moines. Chris’s BFFS show up to dinner with Whitney and apparently Chris hangs out with three avid Dr. Phil fans. They get super serious and ask some real hard-hitting questions about her feelings and if she’ll subject herself to living in this stinktown. The BFF’s stamp her with approval and leave. Whitney wants to tell Chris before he visits her home that her mom passed away and she doesn’t have a relationship with her dad. The way that she tells this story is 90000x more genuine than the sordid tale of Sanderson Poe. She’s like real talk: I’m an orphan but I don’t want your sympathy. And the best part about it is I believe her, because she’s not turning it into a four act play. In the end, Chris surprised Whitney with one of their pictures as a mural on the side of the building. It’s cute and then Chris’s laugh overflows my ears and Whitney’s already piercing voice gets even higher than normal. The cute moment was pretty fleeting. When she asks if that’s going to be there forever they show it again and it looks like a poster that’s been taped up, so maybe it’s not a forever mural.

whitmural

Things get real dramats back at the hotel or wherever the hell they put these girls in Iowa when Jade reveals to Carly because they’re “so close” that she did nude “modeling” for Playboy. Fun fact: Jade’s dad found out from his co-workers and IS HE STILL ALIVE?! Cause I’m gonna guess if my dad’s co-workers were passing around pics of my vag at work things would get REAL suicidal.

“Icey our future together” with Britt, Carly & Kaitlyn

The girls get the date card and try to guess if they’ll be Ice skating. They think really hard about the clue. Britt puts on a real show about how she’s terrible at it. Carly continues to charge the hate train full steam ahead and calls her out for saying she’s bad at EVERYTHING and being a big fake fakerson. Then Carly has a REAL weird period of time where she puts lipstick on her hand and pretends her hand is Britt. I wish I was making this up. The date is at an indoor rink and they play a quick game of pickup hockey and Chris skates just about as poorly as he sings. Britt wraps her legs around him when she greets him and NEEDS confirmation that he’s obsessed with her. She obviously tells him that Arlington is perfect and she can’t see herself waking up with lipstick on anywhere else. Carly promptly narc’s on Britt being a liar who tells lies BECAUSE SHE CARES about Chris’s feelings, guys.

Later they have drinks and sit down one on one…again. Britt just wants Chris to WANT to come to her hometown and eat chicken nuggets off of paper plates. She reiterates that all she wants is to be a mom, no matter what shitty town she’s forced to live in. Kaitlyn is concerned that everyone else is getting more time for connections than her but she’s genuine about it and doesn’t hop all over Chris’s dick like Britt does. She gets the rose. They kiss. (Does Chris wipe off Britt’s lipstick between takes? Can the girls taste each other via Chris’s mouth? I still have so many questions about his BTB makeouts every single date.) Anyway, Britt clearly doesn’t take this rose action well and has a breakdown in front of everyone. She word vomits all her feels and it’s real cringeworthy. Chris handles it about as well as he handles any confrontational sitch, by saying this was a tough decision and he PEACES. The three of them wah-wah about how they’re not getting enough validation and pretending they don’t hate each other’s guts. We have another cliff hanger rose ceremony so we will soon find out (you all probably already know) if Britt will be showing him around the restaurant she works at or if Jade will be opening the sticky pages of her Playboy for a little popcorn reading. Stay Tuned for Part 2.

Best Quotes:

“So much corn. Dirt road. Wild grass.”-Jade describing Iowa and if I close my eyes I can really see it. She painted a picture with her descriptive words here.

“Land is one of my passions. I like owning it and working it.”-Chris sharing how the earth turns him on.

“Hey mom, don’t Google my wife.”-Carly predicting what Chris will have to say should he choose the “nude model”.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Country Music Has Been Murdered

We return this week to Kelsey still lying on the cold hard ground. She gasps for air even with an oxygen mask on her face and is begging to see Chris so he can see what her anxiety looks like in the flesh and throw a pity rose at her. She actually utters the words, I better get a rose for this. At least she’s subtle about it. After Chris tells her she’s beautiful even with a mask assisting her breathing, she returns to the group fully recovered and laughs it off. Everyone promptly tells her to kill herself with their eyes. She replies with the most sinister smile in America. And we’ve begun tonight’s portion of Kelsey the Sociopath: An Original Lifetime Movie.

DELAYED Rose Ceremony:

Whitney, Kaitlyn, Britt, Jade, Megan, Becca, KardASHLEY & Kelsey get roses.

BAI Mackenzie & Samantha (who says the most amount of words upon her departure.) Nice knowin ya.

Chris is FINALLY ready to have fun so he brings the gang to Deadwood, South Dakota. PARTY ANIMAL. Chris is really upping the ante with more obscure places that the ladies don’t know the geographical location of. We get the lay of the land, “This is where Calamity Jane did her business,” says history Professor Soules as he poses naked for old timey pictures in a saloon.

Let’s Give Love A Shot-Becca

This date is somewhat uneventful. Becca the virgin hops right up on that horse like nobody’s biz and Chris has to work hard to hide his boner. They giggle a lot together and Becca points out what we’ve all been suffering from for weeks; Chris’s laugh SOOKS. She laughs at his laugh rather than him. Did I mention I love Becca? I love her even more when she tells us that she wants Chris to kiss her but she’s concerned about her family seeing her get her mack on. Kardashley’s a virgin who eats Chris’s face every time he’s within reaching distance and Becca is holding out for the kiss and trying to be conservative and earn his respect. Hmm, quite a toss up. They finally kiss and Becca apologizes to her dad. Do you think Jade apologized to her dad when she spread her downstairs curtains for the big show in Playboy? Just wondering.

beccadate

Back at the South Dakota den, the girls gang up on Kelsey and call her out for laughing in the face of Sanderson Poe’s untimely death. Apparently Kelsey has a nervous laugh and she’s never had a panic attack in her entire life but it was TERRIFYING. She says she’ll be mindful about future interactions with the ladies. And with that she’s already decided she will kill them all at any cost.

Let’s Make Sweet Music Together- Group Date

Chris wants them all to write country songs and Big and Rich show up to help. Megan doesn’t even know where New Mexico is or what show she’s on but she immediately recognizes Big & Rich. I’m guessing the producers tipped her off. Jade is stressed because she’s not good at songwriting; she’s only good at showing off her labia in Playboy. Big (or Rich) runs with Jade down the street shouting and she’s like how much do I owe you for this very effective therapy session. Britt starts tongue-ing Chris in public. Suddenly Jade is sad again.

Chris sings first and hide ya kids, hide ya wife because his voice could potentially kill them. Britt gets up and croons, “I can hear sweet music every time you’re around.” Chris tells us he’s barely holding back the tears after that cheesetastic line. Kaitlin takes the stage and raps about whiskey and her lady bits and I love the shit out of it. Carly grabs Chris’s hand and gives off a vibe of LET THE PROFESSIONALS HANDLE THIS ONE, GUYS and serenades him. I hope for Carly’s sake that the cruise line she works for is full of drunks. Jade goes last and it’s SO BAD that I cover my eyes and my ears. She thinks she did OK. Big & Rich and Chris are laying the compliments on thick. Why are we encouraging this like a bunch of children singing in a school pageant? Related but unrelated: why is Chris such a pussybitch? No one should ever be bawling from this mishmash of unclever lyrics and fork in a garbage disposal singing voices.

songwriting carly serenades

The group date continues and he takes some time with each girl. He tells Jade she killed it. And I genuinely wonder if he’s just trolling the viewers now. Britt and Chris run away because they like to shove their sexual chemistry in everyone’s faces and they end up at a Big & Rich show. These two horndogs use the live concert as background music for their journey to second base. They’re pulled off each other and nearly hosed down by the sounds of Big & Rich inviting them onstage. Britt gets rose’d onstage even though she hates country music. Big & Rich change the lyrics to Save A Horse, Ride A Farm Boy and Britt says Challenge, Accepted.

big&rich

They come back to a room full of death stares and Chris explains himself as Britt takes this opportune time to wipe his saliva from her lips. Everyone obviously shits all over Britt for getting the rose and an undeserving concert. The dramatic music swells and each woman lets her tears do the talking—Carly feels invisible, Kaitlin doesn’t fight for attention, Whitney’s pure heart is broken. Britt combs her luscious locks, applies a fresh coat of lipstick and goes to bed.

Badlands: The Battle of the Crazies 2 in 1 Date

The human crop top and the schoolteacher are treated to a helicopter ride around Mt. Rushmore. Kelsey names each president she sees and Kardashley is pezzed because they’re not flying over a mountain with Kris, Kourtney, Kim and Khloe’s faces carved into it. Awkward silence ensues upon landing in the Badlands and Chris chugs his whiskey to handle this date. (Live look into my apt: chugging wine to handle this show. It seems Soules and I have something in common.) Kardashley and Chris go off to make out and talk shit about Kelsey. Kardashley has gotten better at kissing. She’s probably been practicing with her hand at night. She reminds us that she’s still a virgin, but at least she’s SEXY and dresses like a rebellious teen rather than a MOM.

After Kardashley took her time to remind everyone she’s a virgin, Kelsey took her one on one time to remind Chris she’s a widow. “I’m prepared to be a wife because I’ve been one… to Sanderson Poe. Do you remember him? He penned a great American novel.” Chris obliterates all rules on trash talking by immediately repeating what Kardashley just revealed about Kelsey. Kelsey is hurt, Chris. HOW DARE YOU?

Things start to heat up in the desert when Kelsey returns to Kardashley and tells her “I know what you did” before she pulls a butcher knife out of her back pocket and slices Kardashley’s exposed belly ring off. Kardashley stomps away into the mountains and I keep my fingers crossed for a hangry mountain lion. She finds Chris first, and sobs because he repeated what she said. He comforts the colicky baby and gives a look to the cameras that says he wants to be buried alive in the Badlands. He cuts Kardashley loose because he can’t give her the lavish princess lifestyle she so clearly needs. She lashes out and throws Britt under the bus for also liking nice things and makes herself look even worse. She stomps away then comes back because Chris didn’t follow her and shouts that she can’t believe she’s acting like this, then continues to act like this. Kardashley cries into the camera a lot and can’t pull it the F together. I would expect nothing less for her final moments on this show than that perfectly contoured face gasping for air as buckets of tears pour out. PEACE OUT Kardasssssssssssssley. I wish you a lifetime of laugh-crying.

kels&ash

You still trying to figure out what presidents those are, Kardash?

Chris does the smartest thing he’s ever done when he turns around and whacks Kelsey too. She takes her rejection a wee bit better than Kardashley…for now. The bitches cheer and pop bottles upon hearing news of Kelsey’s exit. “My story is amazing, it’s tragic and it’s beautiful,” Kelsey says one last time, her swan song as she stalks off into the desert to find the shovel she had hidden there the day before in case she needed it. YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF ME, Kelsey echoes through the Badlands, “One day I’ll be featured on Beyond the Headlines: The Murder of Ashley I.” she shouts as she waves the shovel in the air!

kelseyeyes

I will CUT you.

Best Quotes:

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over it.”-Mackenzie the TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD saying that she’ll never recover from a man she’s been on one date with.

“Kelsey had a bit of a fainting episode”-Chris confirming that Kelsey is a sociopath with one subtle sentence.

“She got up there like she’s been riding horses for years.”– Chris clearly disbelieving of Becca’s virginity and also in need of a waistband tuck.

“She’s a Kardashian who didn’t get the princess date.”-Kelsey giving us the exact headline that will appear over a picture of Kardashley’s face on the front page of the newspaper when she SNAPS.

“It’s just so stupid that every time I’m around you I have to cry, it’s like what?!”-Kardashley echoing America’s sentiments, and yet still crying like a faucet.

BONUS-Due to aggressive snowfall in Boston, I got a couple adult snow days and took it upon myself to create a Bachelor drinking game last night. I’ll share some of the rules I used so that you might also enjoy getting hammy-sammied on Monday nights.

Take a Sip When:

-Chris makes out with one of his girlfriends

-AMAZING, obv. Also: journey, difficult & connection

-Chris says, “This is hard.”

-Anyone talks about their feelings

-Chris looks like he’s solving global warming in his head when really he’s just listening to a female talk

-A Rose is given

-Chris breathes with his mouth open

-Farm synonyms, themes or catchphrases

-A girl throws shade or talks shit

-Chris talks about how many kids he wants with a girlfraand

-A date gives you the uncomfies

Take a Gulp/Shot When:

-Chris makes out with one of his girlfriends in front of another one of his girlfriends

-Chris’s high-pitched maniac laugh pierces your eardrums

-Britt is touching all up on or cuddling with another girl in the house

-There are tears

-Kaitlyn says something inapprops or dirrty

-Megan is confused as to where she is or what she’s doing

-Chris showers or goes shirtless

-Virginity is discussed

-Chris does something the ladies don’t like and doesn’t have a backbone when defending his decision

-C. Harrison has to talk Soules down from a meltdown

-There’s a Kate Gosselin hairstyle in Iowa

Finish Your Drink When:

-Jade finally reveals she spread eagle for Playboy

-Penetration

-Chris proposes

-The girls physically fight WWE style

-Kardashley returns to the mansion in a princess dress, wielding an ear of corn

-Kelsey returns to the mansion wielding an actual weapon

-Ashley S. returns to the mansion because she took PCP and got lost on her way home

There are obviously more that could be added to this—leave your suggestions below and help me make next week’s two nighter MUCH more tolerable!

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