The Bachelor- Como se dice: Taste My Taco

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This week is MEXICO CITY, and on the plane the girls all shout at the camera and point because they were told to ad lib and they didn’t know what that meant. When they arrive at the Four Seasons, they cheers to finding love in Mexico and NOT dysentery from drinking the water.

“Let’s put all our eggs in one basket” with Amanda

Ben rolls into their hotel at 430AM gets in everyone’s sleeping grill piece and learns that the majority of his ladies in waiting look like garbage cans when they wake up. This life lesson is required of The Bachelor–an obligatory early morning drop-by to learn which ladies sleep in pink lipstick and glitter eye shadow, membs Britt? Leah is mortified that “her boyfriend” is seeing her like this. Who’s Leah? We may never know. Lauren H. has a retainer in and someone left their weave laying on the nightstand looking like a dead ferret. I’m not saying that I wake up looking like a dime piece, but I definitely don’t leave chunks of hair within reach of my slumber.

Not surprisingly, the only girl who looks picture ready is Amanda and she’s the one getting whisked away. Talk about a rough wake up call. Hey everyone, you look like monsters, I’m taking Amanda only, no need to take your slimy hardware out of your mouth. Seriously, put that thing back in your mouth. It’s a cesspool. PUT IT BACK IN YOUR MOUTH!

chrisbrander

Amanda and Ben go on a hot air balloon ride and picnic in a random field, obv. At night, Ben does his typical deep probing interview process and Amanda tells him how her ex-husband sucked. Ben is in shock that a guy wouldn’t “wrap her and her children up.” That was a real sentence he said. Wrap them up in what, Ben? Do tell. Amanda reassures Ben that she shouldn’t be tossed aside because she’s already taken the marriage thing for a spin; in fact, marriage is more special to her now. Oh, honey. You obviously haven’t seen the outcome of The Bachelor…you don’t need to be serious about marriage to get the proposal at the end. Just pretend long enough for the press tour afterward and then you can both move on with your separate blogging careers and DWTS appearances. Anyway, Ben is like thank you for opening up here’s a rose, date’s over. Let’s not talk about me. Do any of these girls know a thing about him? Why is he such an interrogator on dates? Has he ever held a champagne flute before? All questions that demand to be answered.

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“Como se dice…the way to a man’s heart” with Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

WHAT a crew to learn basic Spanish in front of my very judgmental eyes. It’s possible that I’ll take it easy on them because I had a very Bachelor-contestant-esque moment last evening when I questioned if Mexico City was actually in Mexico. Turns out it is, and also I’m a moron. At least I’m really pretty. You don’t need to be both smart and pretty in this world, so I’m told. Case in point, the girls butcher learn how to say “I’m falling in love with you” and “I’m going to kiss you now” in espanol, because that’s VITAL for reading recipes in another language. It’s rough, but not as rough as Emily admitting she has no cooking skills or language skills and orders tres churros. (How do you think she pronounces Haitians?) SHE’S ONLY GOOD AT TALKING IN UNISON GUYS, CUT HER A BREAK! Jubilee turns into a jelly belly during the high school class sesh and sasses Ben back in English. The girls look on in horror. NOBODY talks back to their boyfriend. She gonn’ learn. (Really, though.)

At the market, Olivia snags Ben for her team and Jubilee tries a little threesome action, she’s quickly swatted away. It only takes two to romantically feed each other crickets. Everyone looks on with dagger eyes. Leftover Twin harps on Olivia’s dragon breath again like a real catty ass bitch who doesn’t know how to do anything but be a twin and apparently bark about someone else’s halitosis. JoJo is really excited for the chef to taste her taco. She knows her taco tastes really good and she just WANTS SOMEONE TO EAT IT. EAT JOJO’S TACO, DAMNIT. Jubilee takes the W for best fish, by herself, I guess? She’s taking all the credit and I’m wondering if she even had a partner other than her misery and potent jealousy in this competition.

At drinks later, the stealing is off to a hot start when Olivia cuts him off mid-sentence for a mediocre conversation about their meal that looked so gross the chefs talked about it in their native language like the Asians do at the nail salon when they see how gross someone’s feet are. Remember Jen and her big T’s from week one? She’s back in action this episode with a few lines. I start to think, Good for Jen! Coming back into the game. Then she says, “Once I commit to someone they’ll have my heart and soul forever.” HEAVY re-intro from Jen. Lauren B. is wearing gloriously white crop coords that I’m guessing only look good on little petite size 0 nuggets. She’s rewarded for looking like a dime with a severe tongue inspection from Ben to the symphony of church bells. He sees angels, or ripping that white skirt off Lauren B. Either one. Jubilee gets some QT with Ben to whine about her life and how hard it is to date him and constantly be such a raging B when he’s trying to be nice to her. She rips her hand out of his. He should’ve hip-checked her to the curb right then. Ben asks Jubz, straight up now tell me, do you wanna be with me? Jubilee has the BaLLZ to reply, “I want you to tell me that you want to be with me.” BAIIIIII. I was once on Team Jubilee when dem hoes (AMBER) were after her but she dug her own grave here. JoJo steals Ben hot off the Jubilee sendoff and looks like a real dick. Ben glares at her then makes out with her. Olivia gets a rose cause they “reconnected.” Although, according to Olivia and her magical imaginary touches from Ben, they never really un-connected. A leg push ALWAYS means something ladies, never forget.

Mexican Fash Week with Lauren H.

Lauren H. is JUST a teacher who has an ambiguous maybe Midwestern, maybe southern accent and dutifully wears her retainers. Golly gee, how could she ever end up on a catwalk during fashion week? Answer: because at Mexico fashion week, the clothes are made with good ole-fashioned spin-art.

Lauren H. asks everyone how long they’ve modeled, says she’s super nervous then proves to all those bitches who’ve been at it for 4 years that anyone can walk a runway. (And probably have a diet consisting of more than cotton balls with duck sauce.) Later on, Ben asks her to reveal her life story and we learn that you can’t make it on the Bachelor unless you have a carousel full of emosh relationship baggage trailing behind you. Lauren H. one ups Amanda’s ex-husband story with a tale of a boyfriend she dated for 4 years, moved across the country for, and found out he was side-piecing 3 other chicks, one of them being…HER FRIEND. That’s some real Days of Our Lives shit right there. She has decided to always choose happiness and that’s why she’s so bubbly and carefree and into smooching puppets. Don’t ever gloss over the fact that she put her lips on a puppet last week. Ben <3’s that about her and gives her a rose.

Cocktails

This episode was really boring and I was truly hoping we would get a fiery fight in our cocktail hour and instead we got one-part twin tears and one-part MTV insults. But first, Lauren B. wants to tell Ben things are getting pretty serious so she lets him know that she can see a life, but not just a life, like a LIFE life with him. Okay, Lauren B. time to lay off the vino. She also tells him it’s terrifying. So that’s comforting.

Not as comforting as Olivia informing Amanda that her life sounds like a Teen Mom episode. Amanda stands her ground, good for her and fires back at Olivia that she had a kid when she was 22. To be fair, the Teen Mom OG crew is around that age and on their second kid, SO THERE. She also adds on that Olivia reminds her of Snooki because she’s a hot mess. MTV sits back in their executive chairs over Times Square and gleefully rubs their hands together. Two original show name drops in one night. Why even buy advertising? Leftover Twin cries about Olivia being disrespectful and decides to air her grievances to Ben, AKA suicide mission. That’s bold of her but also not that bold because she would’ve been gone next week anyway. Olivia comes out of nowhere to pounce probably because a producer tipped her off to the blood. Olivia gives Ben a ring while Leftover Twin calls Dumped Twin to cry waterfalls about how Olivia is rude and stuff. Ben calls each witness to the stand to say something shitty about Olivia and there’s certainly no shortage of bitchy comments in that department. The Hoover dam has been opened and it’s flowing out of Olivia’s open mouth. Will Ben take backsies on that rose or will he continue to have the spine of a jellyfish and keep her around to terrorize the others behind his back? I think we all know the answer.

To be continued…

The Bachelor

The Bachelor- House of Criers

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This week the ladies are all lounging on the couch in their trendy workout gear and it causes me to wonder if they actually do group yoga in the morning or if like me, they wear workout clothes to trick people into thinking they’ve just exercised. Someone arrives at the house and they’re all like “OMG THAT RUN WAS JUST SO HARD.” “Oh, never mind, it’s just Chris Harrison.” Lauren B, not to be confused with LB (who left last week), gets the date and 3.5 seconds later has perfectly wavy hair and has chosen a sexy but cute outfit.

“The Sky’s the Limit” with Lauren B.

Ben kicks things right off by saying, “Join me on my magic carpet ride” and I get the creeps. No Ben, just no. They’re going up in a baby plane that does flips and shit. Lauren B might be a flight attendant but apparently she’s the kind that straps in during turbulence and clutches rosary beads because bitch is terrified to be in a plane. But then once she’s up in the air she’s AOK and has the time of her life. Nothing could ruin this date—not even THE MOST AWKWARD KISS ON THIS EARTH. No joke, I shielded my eyes when they did the kiss head jerk several times before making contact. They fly over the bachelor mansion and even though no one can even see them inside the plane, the girls all spontaneously combust with jealousy. The plane touches down in a field that is spacious and empty, except for the hot tub that was conveniently dropped there. I guess Ben’s a real hot tub guy? Lauren B’s like omgggg I don’t even know how this got here?! And then changes into a swimsuit. It turns out they’re better at kissing each other when they’re not squeezed into a toy plane dressed like Snoopy.

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Back at the mansion, Caila cries and squeals a lot about him going on other dates. I hate that I said I liked her. On the date that Caila isn’t on, Lauren B. reveals that she’s still single because she compares all men to her dad. Sexy. Ben tells a story about how his dad had surgery once. So like, a lot of dad talk for a first date. It wouldn’t be a one on one date if it didn’t end with a singer no one knows the name of performing for them. The two slow dance, and by slow dance I mean stand in front of this singer whose just trying to get a little fame and tongue each other.

“Love is the Goal” with Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Olivia, Jamie, Rachel, Lace, Emily

This date kills two birds with one stone. First, it allows for a “celeb” appearance with two soccer players from Team USA (I don’t know their names, sue me.) Second, it gives the girls who are all passive aggressive AF, an activity for them to be aggressive aggressive toward each other and just look dedicated to the game. This game was essentially made for Olivia, who claims soccer isn’t her thing, yet is out for blood. Literally. Once the girls find out the losing team can’t hang with Ben later, shit gets real, real quick. The stripes team get fired up because they have the least flattering Where’s Waldo uniforms ever, and the stars team has Emily (?) who can take a ball or two to the face. In Olivia’s plan to murder anyone who stands in between her and Ben, she sees that Rachel maybe broke her leg and goes after her to snap it clean off of her body. Team Olivia wins.

Back at the mansion, Jubilee cries about how she’s not Ben’s type and Jojo nods in agreement. (Could there be more crybabies up in this hizouse?) Speaking of whiny hoes, at the group hang, Olivia grabs Ben first and so therefore the rest of the girls talk about her ugly toes and bad breath. It’s only fair. When Olivia returns to the gossiping hags, Jami narcs on them and so ensues the most hilarious guessing game ever to occur. Jami is all; they were talking about some of your physical features. And Olivia is like was it my tree trunk calves? Or my cankles? My wide shark mouth? Don’t ever make a girl guess what is wrong with her…the options could not be more endless.

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Amber gets a rose after finally speaking to Ben for the first time. And smooching him. So unfortunately she’s safe for one more week. Cankles Olivia is obviously offended she didn’t get a rose but reassures America that it’s only politics because according to Ben’s secret cues, they’ve basically already eloped. To be clear, the cue she’s referring to was him pushing off her leg to stand up from the couch. I can’t believe I didn’t know that a leg graze was sign language for “we have a kid on the way, the rest of this show is just a formality.” I need to pay more attention in life.

“Love is in the Air” with Jubilee

Apparently Jubz turns into an awkward bird when she’s nervous and makes sassy jokes. In other words, Jubilee is me. Ben has a helicopter come to the house to pick her up because he’s unoriginal and apparently we can expect all of his dates to have some form of aviation + a hot tub+ an obscure singer/songwriter. Anyway, Jubilee is afraid of heights and jokingly asks if someone wants her date cause she’s wearing white and doesn’t want to shit her pants. Everyone just about crucifies her for that comment because she got a date and they’re all duds with no sense of humor. Jubilee convinces me even more that we’re the same person when Ben feeds her caviar; she promptly spits it out and tells him she prefers hot dogs. I was all for Jubilee until she jokingly calls Ben a white boy, which is fine, but then she decided to dissect it afterward in the hot tub. That made for some realllllll awko taco. I was just trying that one on for size, Jami. I think I hate it.

Later at dinner, they talk about how Jubilee has so many layers and it turns out one of those layers is that her entire family died in Haiti. So like, real dark shit. Ben clearly doesn’t know how to react to this so he caresses her hand a little and tells her she’s gr8. She gets a rose and a seat on his lap. When the rest of the house finds out Jubilee got a rose, they’re really excited for her. NAHT. Lauren H. is shocked and declares, “Ben wants a wife who hangs out with all the other soccer moms.” Congrats on coming off sexist AND a little racist, LH.

Cocktail Hour

The normally upbeat and time-stealing cocktail hour takes a somber turn right off the bat when Ben announces that two of his family friends died that day in a plane crash. Olivia senses that he needs a little comforting and pulls him aside to talk about how much she hates her legs. She takes the empathy route, tears up a little bit and tells him how hard it is to be strong in the face of tragedy. No but seriously, an Emmy for the editor who cut this together because that’s quality TV right there.

Jubilee actually does comfort Ben with a massage. Except oopsie, her act of kindness made all the women in the house hate her 1000 times more and turn into bitchy locker room monsters ready to attack. They claim that she’s flaunting her rose—meanwhile she hasn’t spoken to anyone all night. I see some holes in this theory. Amber beckons Jubilee to come over and get verbally assaulted for doing nothing wrong and Jubz is like aw, hell no and runs away. Ben gets involved because he’s awkward and thinks he can solve drama. In the end, Amber looks like a real asshole and should’ve gotten her rose revoked, and Ben is on Team Jubilee. It’s cute that Ben thinks the drama is all over and ends up walking right into Lace, who I’m guessing if she got more camera time this week, she would’ve been saying this:

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Lace is all tears and has decided to leave because she needs to work on herself. Apparently she hates herself as much as America does. Bye, Lace. It’s been real making fun of you. #Gone2Soon

Roses: Lauren B, Amber, Jubilee, Lauren H. (the soccer mom), Amanda, Becca, Haley, Emily, Rachel, Caila, Jojo, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

Jami turns into the bitter single drunk girl, says she’s going to get a lot of cats and that humans are garbage. “THAT’S WHY IM ALWAYS SINGLE!” she shouts like she just downed a tequila shot at last call and is going home alone. YIIIIIKES, Jami. Famous last words. You could’ve been remembered for making up a mediocre rhyme abbrev that would one day turn into a graphic tee sold at Forever 21 with the taco emoji BUT INSTEAD we’ll always know you as the singleton.

Update: That was really naive of me to think that this wasn’t already a tee. And that it’s even more unfunny when printed and mass distributed for sorority girls to wear because they ❤ Chipotle. Oh, god. There’s so many dumb variations. Be better, America.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Catching Flies

CAILA, BEN HIGGINS, KEVIN HART

Ben is suuuuper nice to everyone and caring and a gent. He also has the self-confidence of a crack-whore. Enough is enough. This guy is man candy and has a killer personality. If I have to hear the unlovable shtick one more time, I’m going to climb into Olivia’s gaping mouth and never resurface.

Group Date 1: Horny in High School

Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, Lace

The date objective is to put the girls through high school again and make sure it’s sexual and suggestive. Duh. First up? Make Ben’s volcano explode. Jubilee is stuck with Lace, who she fondly refers to, as Lacey, and they both haven’t quite figured out what makes a volcano tick. They’re eliminated first (which fuels Lace’s hate fire.) Step two is bobbing for apples or I guess drowning in a fish tank with your mouth open. Can’t say I’ve bobbed for apples since I was six but this was an atrocious display of the sport. I don’t think your face needs to be submerged in the water to get the job done, ladies. The placing states on a map part is no joke. I can’t even make fun of how dumb the girls are because I 100% don’t know geography and would probably be the one to put Indiana sideways and count it as a new state like Becca and JoJo. The latter portions of the day are for athletic ability and unfortunately Mandi pulls out the W with a barefoot hurdles display. The less screen time we get of her, the better, really. Amber’s pezzed she’s runner up. Spoiler alert: Amber is pezzed this whole ‘sode. Cause she doesn’t belong on this show. But more on that later.

That night, Becca plays the cool girl routine and shoots some hoops with him in a tight lace dress. I ~~almost~~ wanted to date Becca after this. They touch all up on each other’s hands but surprisingly Jennifer gets the first smooch. NeWsFlAsH: Ben is an awkward bird when it comes to initiating kisses. This should be fun. It also turns out Lace just sounds like she’s drunk all the time. She slurs about how her and Ben are eye-banging as she white-knuckles his hand. Jubilee interrupts to talk about how she lived in an orphanage once and is rewarded for “opening up” with some kisses. To be clear, Lace never gets kissed. She does prove that she’s probably on mood stabilizers though, when she begins every sentence for the rest of the evening with “I’m not crazy.” You’re not hot enough to get away with this, Lace.

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My girl JoJo gets the rooftop time with Ben and they mack all up on each other. Ben does this thing where he grabs at her back skin while he’s slow dancing/gazing at her and it’s real woof. Stick to the small of her back, Ben. JEEZE. Ben must’ve enjoyed his grip on her spine because he gives her a rose.

One-on-Ride Along: Caila

Ride Along 2 needs all the publicity it can get and therefore Ice Cube and Kevin Hart sponsor this date. They cruise on over to the liquor store so Ben can get some Hennessy and condoms. JK he’s straight outta Hoosiers so he probably just gets a 6 pack of Zima to Ice’s disappointment. There’s some hot tub times with Kevin Hart’s junk and a verrryyy uncomfy giggle from Ben and finally they cut loose from their network obligations. At their dinner later, Ben tells Caila that she made that promotional bit that counted as her date, rly fun. (To be clear: Kevin & Ice could not have been less funny if they tried.) Anyway, Caila tells the story about how she met her last boyfriend on a plane and then they ran into each other in Boston. #Fate. I lived in Boston for a year and never saw the same person in public twice so like I call bullshit. BUT it didn’t work out because their meet-cute was better than the actual relationship. Surprisingly, I don’t think Caila is a total moron and therefore I’m fine with her getting a rose. What I’m not fine with is the fact that they hired the guy whose song was once in an AT&T commercial to give them a private concert. This same commercial drove me bananas for as long as they ran it. I guess Amos Lee gets Ben all hot and bothered though because he sighs a lot and serenades Caila while they slow dance.

Group Date 2: Hope You Don’t Have Your Period (S/O to Lindsey)

Emily, Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, Amanda

Hey want to make girls feel like they’re dirt? Tell them they smell sour. Thaaaat’s the technology of Looooooveeeee! The girls, dressed in white booty shorts and camis, are tested by REAL “doctors” to see if they have chemistry with Ben. After he sticks his nose all up in their bits and searches for other adjectives for “sweet” to describe their funk, he pairs off with each chick in bed for some questionable heat-sensory tests. The “doc” tells Ben and Shush to put their hands on each other’s hearts. A twin exclaims, “HE PUT HIS HAND ON HER BOOB!” Really? You mean to tell me neither of these twins has told a guy to feel how fast her heart is beating just to get a boob grab outta the deal? Amateur hour. Turns out Sam stinks AND has the lowest compatibility, Olivia has the highest. She also quotes Charlie Sheen and won’t shut her big wide trap.

Now seems like an ideal time to address this week’s elephant in the room, or rather, gigantic face hole. Olivia apparently thinks it’s cute and fun to drop her jaw to the ground as her reaction to everything. It results in me feeling like I need to run for cover to escape her engulfing the world. It’s only been one episode of this shit and I already want someone to stick their finger in there and teach her a lesson.

Ben tries his best when he sticks his tongue in there. I imagine it gets lost in the cave that is Olivia’s mouth but whatever. We also learn that Shush came to this country with some bottles of vodka and the American dream. Samantha smells like passion fruit instead of sour vag—According to Ben hitting the spin zone to redeem himself for his earlier comments. And lastly, everyone has pictures of their dogs in the house and Amanda doesn’t even have pictures of her kids. This is concerning. Not to Ben cause he kisses her. He’s into moms enough to mention that he loves that she has kids but then when faced with the rose decision gives it to Olivia because boners.

Cocktails/Rose Ceremony:

Okay so this is where we learn that Amber sucks and does not belong on this show. She’s a normal person. She’s not aggressive or fame hungry enough to seek the attention of the Bachelor and therefore she sits in the corner crying about how she never gets any time with Ben. Girl, you did this EXACT THING last season you were on. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Step up your game, walk your chicken legs over to Ben and talk to him or kick rocks. You know who does have the balls to get more face time? Olivia. She drags her open mouth over to catch Ben along with some flies and he greets her like he’s stuck in a 1997 Budweiser commercial.

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Then it’s Lace vs. Olivia in the battle of manipulative minds. Lace finally snags Ben cause she’s convinced herself and everyone else that she’s never spoken to him and promptly tells him a fascinating story about how she used to look like this:

roseanne

Obviously she cries after because she’s the worst at flirting and definitely gave him a nice boner kill with that image. Ben gives Lauren B. a 4×6 of them that a producer had printed at Wal-Mart “to make her feel really special.” And lastly, Ben calls Amanda over to make some rose barrettes for her daughters that she doesn’t have photographic evidence of. What a sweetie. I guess he’s not LB’s type, though, because when he calls her out at the rose ceremony she says no thank you and heads home. Out of all the girls I wish would do this LB was pretty much dead last on the list. Three cheers for being rid of Mandi though!

Roses: JoJo, Caila, Olivia, Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B., Leah, Becca, Rachel, Lace, Jennifer, Emily, Haley, Jami, Lauren H, Shushanna, Amber(who only gets a rose because LB peaced. I think it’s only fair that Amber send a cut of her Bachelor paycheck to LB, weekly.)

Best Quotes:

“I’ve never been this turned on in a high school before.”- JoJo admitting she didn’t used to get horny for school but now…LOOK OUT!

“Jackie is not great with her mouth.” ROUGH.

“I’m not very smart.”-A twin. At least they’re self-aware.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor Premiere- Lace Up

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Listen, the first night is always a whirlwind of skinny bitches and glasses of wine being emptied into my mouth and therefore for last night’s episode we will recap by individual until I learn how many Lauren’s we’re actually going to be keeping around.

But first, Ben’s rite of passage as Bachelor: a completely staged and over the top hometown intro. He drives around talking to himself, shows us the crappy movie theater where he first smooched a girl and gets teary-eyed talking about finding love in his future. C’mon Ben. Don’t be the first one to cry. NOT a good look. But Ben’s most important role as Bachelor was being the grand marshal of his high school homecoming game. No seriously, you would’ve thought he was meeting the President with the way he talked about this honor. From what I can tell, he attended a high school football game with a camera crew. LiViN LaRgE. We also get to meet Ben’s parents, who unintentionally were hilarious. His dad is an adorable nerd who talks about how much he loves Ben’s mom and then they cheers, TO LOVE!

Jubilee

Jubz is a vet and can absolutely crush me. Her intro consists of her flipping a guy around a bunch of times and she’s basically going to eat Ben alive.

Mandi/Faith from Unreal

Mandi is ALL IN on being the quirky girl. In Portland, she stands in the middle of a guy playing bagpipes and cycling to show us how ZANY she is. Realistically it made me concerned for what goes on in that city. From there we segue into what I can only describe as the first 2 minutes of a shitty porno as she gives an Indian man a gold tooth in her dental office. There are a lot of close-ups on her rack as she does so. Later, at the house, Mandi wears an enlarged red flower on her head. Why? Because she is the “impression rose”. Before Ben even finishes his Welcome speech to the ladies, Mandi snags him away to see if he’s flossing enough. No seriously, she gives him a dental exam. Unfortunately for everyone, she gets a rose.

Twins

Not quite ready to give up on the act that these two women are one individual, the twins play into the charade by being complete assholes that are conjoined. The matching outfits, the talking at the same time, the tandem biking, I mean, COME ON. Ben’s reaction when he first saw them was, “That’s uh, that’s good.” They’re quick to tell him that they NEVER date the same guy so this is so0ooOo different! Clearly these two will never be separated (mostly because no one can tell them apart), and I applaud the producers for such an outrageous move.

Amanda

Amanda S

Amanda is cute and all but she has two little kids. She’s got a real full plate and she’s on a reality TV show looking for a husband. FuN FaCt: She’s the only mom this season.

Tiara

Tiara

the chicken enthusiast reads bedtime stories to her chickens, kisses them, and has several photos of chickens with a framed photo of Ben in the center. I wouldn’t have put it past her for one second to have a photoshopped picture of her, Ben and the coop. But joke’s on Ben because when she meets him she acts super normal and there is no mention of her fowl fetish. Ben doesn’t even wrinkle his nose at the probable farm stench radiating from her. I got real nervsies that Ben would fall into her trap and then get too far in before she introduced him to her chickens. Luckily, she was sent home and we no longer have to worry about her tucking birds into bed with them each night.

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Samantha

Samantha

REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted a rose. That’s the most I remember about her. It’s funny how the ones that are thirsty AF for a rose are usually the ones where we saw no interaction with the Bachelor.

Lauren B.

Lauren B

I actually like Lauren B. so I’m going to let it pass that her first meeting with Ben consists of her pinning wings on him because she’s a flight attendant and saying, “I Hope you are ready to take off on this journey together.” I’m also jelly of Lauren B. She’s like GREAT at flirting. She giggles a lot and is cute and tiny. Whatever.

Caila

Caila

is probably fine but since I’m a female, it’s important to note that I hate her. Why do I hate her? Because she jumps into Ben’s arms upon exiting the limo and he scoops her up with effortless grace. TALL GIRLS CAN’T DO THAT CUTE SHIT. DAMN YOU, CAILA. It also turns out that they both sell software. So they have like SO much in common. I wonder if they’ll work in the same office and Ben will carry her into work every day…

Jami

Jami

My gal group that I watched the premiere with all agreed that we had a crush on Jami; unfortunately we didn’t get to see her talk at all. Even more unfortunate, we kept referring to her as the bartender. Sarryyy, Jami. Hopefully we get more next week. Also apparently she’s friends with Kaitlyn from last season? Talk about knowing the right people to get a job…

Lace

Lace

Remember when I had a question about if her name was after the fabric or a dumb way to spell Lacey? Problem solved. No one will ever forget Lace again. She’s the resident bitchy slob kebab on night one. Giving dirty looks and talking about how no one is pretty didn’t really make the other girls want to kick it with Lace. Add 100 glasses of wine to this fire and things got a little fuzzy. Lace smooched Ben upon meeting him (in an aggress manner) then while chatting, asks for a better one—Something that is totes ok when you’re wine buzzed. Except Ben’s like hm, better not. Only because he’s a gem and he didn’t want to tongue before getting to know her toxic personality. He even seeks her out again to reiterate this better because they were interrupted and he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. In Lace-Land, this was interpreted as him saying, “people are shady.” Not one to quit while she’s ahead, after getting a rose she takes him aside to point out that she was watching him like a hawk during the ceremony and he didn’t even look at her once. I think I speak for America when I say, go to bed, Lace, you’re drunk.

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Lauren R.

Lauren R

Yikes to Lauren R’s first impression. She reveals how much she stalked Ben over social media (don’t ever reveal that, girls) and has “something special” to show him. That something special is apparently not her name because she never tells Ben what it is. Although, by process of elimination something tells me he landed on the 100^th Lauren in the room.

Shushanna

Shushanna

Her entire first convo with Ben is in another language and he thinks her name is Shauna. Hot start.

Leah

Leah

makes it her mission the first night to come off as the “guy’s girl.” She hikes up her dress and tosses him a football obviously accompanied with “I knew you were a catch.” Cause these girls are nothing if not creative. Later on they play catch again and she runs in heels so she’s like rly down to earth and cool and likes sports. AKA she’s a guy’s nightmare to watch football with because she thinks being a fan is shouting a lot to pretend she knows what’s going on, but who am I to judge?

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JoJo

Joelle

I’m a little ashamed that this was one of my frontrunners in the ranking blog because she waltzes out with a unicorn head on. JoJo DEF has plans to wear this mask in the fantasy suite.

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Lauren H.

Lauren H

If I’m not mistaken, and there’s a high chance that I am, this was the Lauren who tossed Ben a bouquet she just caught at a wedding and probably made him want to run away. Apparently she didn’t scare him enough because she got rosed.

Laura

Laura

“My friends call me red velvet” and “He may have not been into redheads” are two of the best quotes that could’ve summed up Laura’s one night existence on The Bachelor. I did feel a little bad that she was Lace’s side bitch all night AND got kicked off. Double punishment.

Maegan

Megan

Everyone knows I was already not loving Maegan the extra vowels cowgirl. Then she went and brought her mini pony to the first night and crossed her fingers it didn’t pee all over the carpet. If we’re being real, I wouldn’t be surprised if Maegan hiked up her skirt and peed on the carpet. She just strikes me as that type of gal.

Isabel

Isabel

All I’ve got written down is that she was wearing a onesie and thus her opening line was, “are you the onesie for me?” Hard pass.

Rachel

Rachel

was my other top pick from the bios, as a fellow unemployed cookie monster and then she went right ahead and rode in on one of those hoverboards. Noooooooooo.

Jessica

Jessica

gets a real long hug and then an immediate second. And she didn’t even need to give Ben any coupons for those! FrontRUNNER.

I don’t think LB got a lot of screen time but she stands out because she seemed normal and basically stole LC’s name so she’s fine for now.

Jackie

Jackie

gives Ben a save the date for their own wedding. DEF not a red flag or anything.

Olivia

Olivia

only has one dimple and gave up her career as a news anchor to find louuurrve. It’s a good thing she gets the first impression rose or else that would’ve been a suuuper dumb decision. Olivia will probz be around for a while.

Breanne

Breanne

is all about that nutrition life and declares Gluten is Satan. She throws a bunch of bread on the ground and I cried real tears. Who wastes a French baguette like that? So rude. Her one-woman hate-show of carbs was all for nothing because Ben doesn’t give her a rose. He just loves pasta too much, probably.

Becca

Becca

Becca doesn’t really need to make a first impression on me because we’ve seen a whole season of her. She’s sweet and pretty and will most likely end up in the finals. I can see Ben and Becca settling down. Unfortunately it doesn’t matter how lovely Becca is because Lace HATES THAT F’ING VIRGIN. No seriously, she said it. A lot. She also spied on Becca and Amber through the door as they chatted with Ben.

Amber

Amber

Once again Amber leaves 0.0 impression on me. The only thing going for her is that she was linked with Becca as they showed up late togets in the “we’ve already been here once” limo. Either way, she gets a rose, because she’s in the Bachelor family and it would’ve been supes rude to keep Becca and not her.

Jennifer

Jennifer

Conducts a heavy discussion about how she looks for men with morals and similar beliefs and she believes she’s found that in Ben. To be clear she knows absolutely nothing about Ben. To be even clearer, her tits are at full attention in the dress she’s wearing and that’s all anyone can focus on, including Ben.

ROSES: Lauren B, LB, Caila, Amber, Jami, Jennifer, Jubilee, Amanda, JoJo, Leah, Rachel, Samantha, Jackie, Haley, Emily, Sushanna, Lauren H., Becca, Mandi, Lace

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Eskimo Brothers

HEY! Give yourself a round of applause because we made it through the MOST DRAMATIC season EVER (read: shittiest season ever) and for that we deserve all the awards. Not so fast though, first we have to watch the final episode “Live from LA” so they can insert a bunch of audience reactions and Chris Harrison one liners to fill up the extra time. We pick up with Kaitlyn talking about how good it is to be back in LA as the caption flashes Malibu. It’s time for the boys to meet Kaitlyn’s family NOT in her hometown, because budget travel. Kait breaks the news that a guy from another season snuck his way on and is in her bottom two, her sister with the most unfortunate case of skunk head, is immediately like NICK V OMGEEEEE.

While sis fans herself, momma Leslie has some very strong feelings toward Nick from watching Andi’s season and those feelings are that he’s a D-bag. Kaitlyn is like you can’t judge him Mom, GAWD. Then Kaitlyn proceeds to casually tell her family that she slept with Nick so she’s created a nice little situation for him to walk into.

Speaking of, enter brillopad-head wearing an open button down, a white undershirt and an armful of wooden beaded bracelets. He cleans up nice. Once Kaitlyn warns him that her parents have pictured them having sex, he admits he’s nervous now, Kaitlyn is like yeah you’re pretty much F’ed. Nick’s talk with Leslie is epic because she calls him arrogant and possessive but then it goes downhill real quick because Nick turns on the waterworks and wins Les over by the end. He also puts on a show for Kaitlyn’s dad and gets the blessing.

But enough about that, it takes Shawn .2 seconds into meeting Kaitlyn’s family to blow Nick out of the water. He brings the heat with his thoughtful family gifts, makes a wedding quality toast before dinner and has Leslie (soon-to-be reality show star) vying for his attention as she asks if she can steal him away. Unfortunately, she wants to twist the knife and talk to Shawn about the S-E-X thing. He handles it well, by letting Leslie lick chocolate sauce off his abs. Hair queen Haley is #TeamShawn and it makes me wonder if anyone is actually #TeamNick. Finally, he asks both parents together for permission to marry Kaitlyn and obviously walks out with an invite on the next family vacay because, duh.

Chris Harrison pops up again to take a quick audience poll if the family liked Shawn (all the applause) or Nick (only his family meekly clapped) best. This is why they pay him the big bucks.

Unfortunately, even though everyone in America knows who has already won, we’re forced to live through more sloppy kisses as Nick and Kaitlyn have their last date. They drink champagne on a boat and Nick says, “I look forward to having you on my couch.” Of course you do, Nick. Later Nick takes a cue from every horny college frat bro and tells Kaitlyn, “I got you something, it’s in my bedroom.” Nick’s gift surprisingly is not his penis but a framed photo of their first date with a queer poem next to it about the electricity of kisses. Also he spelled energy wrong. Kaitlyn becomes putty in his hands just because of a cheesy poem that didn’t rhyme instead of retching, which is how I responded to this gift.

Kaitlyn and Shawn’s last date is so terribly awkward that I’m going to pretend it never happened. There’s some heavy petting…of Shawn’s leg and then FF to later because Shawn gives a dope ass gift and at this point, seriously Nick who? Shawn gifts her with a memory jar of pictures and notes. He probably didn’t spell anything wrong and also still has cool points because he didn’t write a shitty poem. Crushed it. Still reeling from the best gift ever, ABC throws a gratuitous shirtless morning scene from Shawn right at us with no warning and I audibly gasped. They may not be in an exotic land, but does that even matter when Shawn’s 100-pack fills the screen? No. No it does not. Shawn clothes himself just in time for Neil Lane to arrive with the rings.

Meanwhile, Nick drinks coffee with his shirt on, buttoned up. BOOOOOO. See yourself out, Nick. Neil shows up and Nick tells his sordid tale about how last time when he was expecting Neil, Andi came instead and sent him to dumpsville: population one. Neil is like oh really? That’s nice why don’t you open up my briefcase of rings and let’s get this product placement over with. After getting a nice boost of confidence for making it far enough to pick the ring, Nick bounces out of the limo FIRST (death sentence) and tells Kaitlyn how obsessed he is with her. Just as he’s reaching into his pocket for that ring, Kaitlyn goes NO. It is BRUTAL but also AWESOME. Shutdown nation. Sucks to suck, Nicholas..bet ya kinda regret jumping back into the TV dating game to get dumped all over again, huh? He leaves, a lover scorned scheming of ways to get back at her on After the Rose and chucks that precious Dublin claddagh ring right alongside his dignity. Nick’s famous last words? “I am the world’s biggest joke.” Cut to Chris Harrison and a terrrrrrible reaction shot of Nick’s family looking like he hung himself on national television. YIKES. According to Chris everyone is stunned to silence and according to the producers we need to watch this silence for an extra 30 seconds so that we, too, can feel as uncomfy as the people sitting next to the Viall family.

For our grand finale of hair, abs and TRUE LOVE, enter the babe soda that is Shawn Booth. In his best version of monotone, Shawn reads a speech you might find at the end of a rom com straight from a teleprompter and I still find it baffling that no one questions how scripted these final moments are each season. The good news is that they both agree it was love at first limo and Kaitlyn will never bone Nick again (for a bit). They get engaged to date for a couple of months and I could not be more pleased with this pairing…Also SURPRISE! to everyone who somehow avoided the spoiler snapchat that made it’s rounds for roughly 2 months on the interweb.

Not to be the person who said I told you so…but ABSOLUTELY to be that person, here is a lovely excerpt from my first blog about this season’s contestants published on May 13th, 2015:

Give it to me in that Blue V-neck with your thumbs hooked into your pockets, Shawn B. So duhs that Shawn B is a hottie with a body, but his details really seal the deal for top choice. His favorite music includes country and “One Direction, obviously.” His greatest achievement so far is when him and his dad bought an 1888 farm house and rehabbed/rebuilt it. Lastly, if he could be anyone for the day he would be his dog to see what goes on in his head. SHAWN B KNOWS HOW TO FLOOD A CHICK’S BASEMENT. He’s a directioner, essentially is Noah Calhoun from The Notebook, which means he’s basically Ryan Gosling and he’s a dog lover. Sold. Why is he still single? Britt doesn’t deserve him. Kaitlyn and Shawn B. for the final rose. Book it.

NBD but HBD, people. It’s called blogger’s intuition like you read about. You’re welcome, America.

And for those who didn’t stay up past their bedtime in gleeful hopes of catching a final Nick vs. Shawn showdown…here’s a quick summary of AFTER THE ROSE:

There’s more heavy leg petting, lots of Kait & Shawn smooching and even more pans to little Bella sobbing in the audience, methinks this girl is going to need a good deal of therapy. The buildup of our bro fight results in Shawn and Nick sitting on a tiny couch, crossing their legs in a power stance so their feet are almost touching. To be clear, Shawn does the leg cross first and Nick immediately copies him. #EskimoBrothersForLife

Also, Nick has finally learned his lesson and was a PR dream for the entire after show, using his words nicely and not speaking from the boned and thrown heartbreak that probably consumes his life. To end on an uplifting note, my father who watched the finale of Andi’s season and never saw a minute of the Bachelor(ette) afterwards responded to my text about Nick’s double dumping with “I bet he has pics of her hoo-ha to put online. He’s that kind of guy!!” Good riddance, Nick. I will not misssssSsssSssth you.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Bearded Bros Tell Nothing

In the spirit of doing whatever it takes to fill two hours, the program starts off with a preview (possibly an entire episode?) of Bachelor in Paradise followed by a recap of what happened this season. Hey, we’ve been watching this show for far too many weeks, WE GOT IT. No need for a highlight reel. Know what else there’s no need for? Every guy who ever sniffed at Kaitlyn this season. Not only do we have the frontrunners who made it until the end (the only ones who really matter) ABC has also given the assholes another shot at their fifteen minutes of fame. Like Ian, who has stayed humble and hungry. And Ryan M. who has stayed creepy and apparently also styled his hair in what should forever be known as toupee chic. Let’s not forget about Kupah either, who will willingly throw his two cents in about things that happened AFTER he was kicked off that just enraged him.

Check that hair though.

But before all that, Tanner the gossip queen takes the floor and the first shots at Ian. His gripe is that it was really mean when Ian called them all lames. Yeah they made fart jokes but they ALSO had deep convos, so HA. Tanner demands that Ian apologize to Kaitlyn and then Corey…oh, who is that you ask? Let me remind you…

The dad apparently feels a need to seize these precious last moments in front of a camera and delivers this zinger, “I don’t think that she took the responsibility of being the bachelorette the best that she could.” To be clear, no one asked him. Ian responds to all of this by taking his jacket off and getting down on bended knee in front of the glaring bros to say he regrets what he said, how he left and apologizes to the guys, everyone who was offended and his mother for being a real dick on national television, because that’s just not who he is. HE’S A MODEL WHO DEFIED DEATH AND HAS BEEN AROUND THE WORLD A FEW TIMES, DAMNIT. JK he lays it on thick and the contesticles eat that shit right up giving him the classic handshake, clap on the back for his clearly souped up apology. Cut to Chris Harrison, the one man show going HA-HA you just never know what you’re gonna get, folks as he flashes his gleaming white smile and points a finger gun. STAY TUNED FOR THE GAY RELATIONSHIP WE FABRICATED WITH EDITING….Up NEXT.

Corey is first to comment on the Clay-J sitch, because his opinion is vital to my life. He’s mad at Clint for being arrogant and making everyone feel alienated. Clint sets the record straight, if you know what I mean. Apparently, JJ just reminded him of a friend back home so that’s why they liked to play tummy sticks. JJ hops in and uses a lot of air quotes when describing the “bromance” but when Chris Harrison calls him out for using the quotes, JJ fires back with maybe if this show didn’t splice clips together and use romantic music and taglines turning my friendship into a gay porn, there wouldn’t be a need for them. I may be paraphrasing there. He might’ve just said “You tell me, Chris.” I was ready to be all Team JJ until he said this, “We’re intellectually curious about each other. There was a lot of meat to that for me.” Nope, you’re now playing into Clay-J and therefore I’m firmly Team When Will This Show End. Later on in the hot seat, JJ tells C.Harrison that he really “blew it” his last night with Clint and the peanut gallery of bros erupts into laughter. You can’t even script this shit. Just kidding–you can–and they did.

Benzy comes in to take things down a notch or 100 when we relive the story of how his mom died and talk about how he had his walls up. But don’t worry, he’s come out with a positive outlook and learned from his journey that you can open up about all your feels. Don’t cry because it’s over, Benzy, smile because it happened. JK he still hasn’t cried, maybe someday those babe soda tears will roll down his brooding face. Chris rubs his hands together in anticipation as he says, there’s nothing wrong with a good cry. LET IT OUT. I assume C. Harrison is about to play the beginning montage from the movie Up before producers are like ok, enough we need to move on, man tears or not.

Chris basically invited Jared onstage to force words into that poorly goatee’d mouth of his. C. Harrison’s line of questioning includes, Did you think you were the odd man out in that rose ceremony? But you loved the girl, right? But like when you watch it back you probably get more confused about why you were sent home right? Jared keeps it diplomatic and just repeats that he’s thankful for his journey and he listens to “Linger” on repeat via his walkman while he sobs in his room all day erreday.

Sweet, sweet boring buttercup Ben H. walks to the stage and there’s not a dry seat in the house judging by the screeches and howls from the all-ladiez crowd. Ben is a perfect gentleman as he obviously is vying for the Bachelor slot and will probably win it according to audience reactions. Snooze. Finally, we get some BTS deets on the infamous off camera visit. Ben and Shawn were roomies in San Antonio, Shawn got a king bed and Ben got a cot, ’cause Shawn’s abs. Kaitlyn put an invisibility cloak on and snuck into their room where the threesome spent 3 hours talking about life, Kaitlyn and Shawn in the King and Ben essentially on the ground…a foreshadowing. But then, Ben had to shower and womp womp, the rest is history. All it took was those extra two minutes while Ben was conditioning for Kaitlyn to tell Shawn he was the one and seal his fate. Ben probably curses his shiny hair to this day.

Finally our turtledove-in-waiting steps into the hot seat for a little popcorn reading of her hate tweets ever since she had sex on TV. Oh shit, sorry I didn’t mean to give out any spoilers guys, did you hear that Kaitlyn had sex on TV and it’s controversial only because it happened before fantasy suites? Anyway, they read some tweets from people who hate themselves but don’t give out their names which is kind of counter-productive. If we’re going to shame people for being terrible humans, midas whale give out their very public Twitter handle so the internet can bully them for being bullies. That’s how it works, right? Seems like a missed opportunity. Anyway after some tears and golden reaction shots from the audience about fat unemployed people who tweet death threats from their mom’s basement, it’s time for the guys to settle up with Kaitlyn.

It goes something like this: Kaitlyn talks to Jared and tells him he’s great. Then Kaitlyn talks to Ben H. and tells him he looks great. Everything is SO great. I’m about to doze off in my bowl of ice cream when suddenly, fiery Kaitlyn makes an appearance and I’m ALL IN. Jonathan…this guy:

tells Kaitlyn it hurt his feelings when she brought Nick on board after looking 25 guys in the eye and saying her husband was in that room the first night. Kaitlyn doesn’t miss a beat and is all I’mma let you finish but didn’t you vote for Britt?

Corey wants to add something about Nick as well and I literally wish everyone would just look at him and say in unison,

Ryan M. gets to take his horned up toupee head and march down to Kaitlyn to give her the rose that he spiked off of the ground when he was kicked off for being a drunk asshole who slapped her ass and yelled about raping people. Ah, what a joy it is to have him back on my TV. Ian also does a 2.0 of his knee level apology, except whoopsie he gets a leg cramp and immediately has to stand up. It’s probably a residual injury from his near death experience but I’m surprised he doesn’t tell us. Either way, Kaitlyn responds to both of these morons with

Last and certainly least, we get a blooper reel of Kaitlyn screeching about birds and the only thing that saves it: more Amy Schumer shitting on JJ. How they ever cut any of her material from this turd of a season is beyond me. Afterward, Joe puts on a bird mask and runs at Kaitlyn who promptly screams and runs then is like well the joke’s on you I’m actually afraid of the flapping noise. Ok, then why did you just shit your pants at a grown man with a bird mask on? Smooth.

So all that happened and yet we DIDN’T get what we truly deserved and that’s obviously Cupcake addressing the Niagara Falls and hiccups that came roaring from his precious Ken doll face while he leaned over the Cliffs of Moher, hoping someone would give him a soft push.

2A197E1C00000578-0-image-m-23_1435636375568

And finally, I really could’ve used an awkward Brady and Britt reunion post-breakup after they dated for a week and wore matching beanies to the beach and talked about how they were soul mates who were together to fill that awkward gap while the credits rolled.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- SLEEPOVER PARTY!!!

I missed the first 10 minutes of last night’s episode because I had after work adult beverages and then made the executive decision to go grocery shopping while buzzed. It was not a decision I recommend anyone else make. I ran over my own foot with the grocery cart and bought a frozen pizza that I later burnt my tongue on. Needless to say it’s for the best that I don’t drink on school nights. I arrived back home just in the nick of time to catch Ben wearing the SHIT out of a cream Irish knit sweater. Yum. Anyway, Ben and Kaitlyn are exploring the majestic Irish countryside because it seems that production has made some travel budget cuts this year and the cast is stranded in Ireland until they can save up enough to fly coach to their next location. Ben tells Kaitlyn about how he just turned 26 on the show, in a way someone brings up their birthday to make the other person feel shitty for not knowing. Kaitlyn is 30 so like rawr, cougar status. But Ben is all, age is just a number, it doesn’t make one bit of a difference, which is something that someone who is much younger can say, because they still have their youth and nothing to be bitter about. Ben is invited to stay the night in the fantasy castle suite and immediately issues a castle-wide boner kill when he gleefully shouts “best.sleepover.ever.” as visions of braiding each other’s hair and sneaking an R rated movie dance around his head.

I’m assuming that’s what they do as Kaitlyn reveals in the morning that she only got a half hour of sleep, you know, cause they were pullin pullin pullin an all-nighter. Ben’s best sleepover ever couldn’t be complete without him borrowing a pair of Kaitlyn’s capri sweats for the walk of shame, shame being the key word here. All I’m thinking is…

Hey guys, remember Shawn, my former favorite who doesn’t know what show he’s on? Kaitlyn gifts him with a hot pink polo because they will be golfing for their date. Kaitlyn’s efforts to make him look like a loser fail horribly because Shawn can pull off ANY color and look fabulous. Unfortunately he quickly ruins my drool sesh by using golf as a shitty metaphor for love. He muses, “Golf is like love because the goal is to get a hole in one”….or something along those lines. Since they both suck at golf, the day quickly spirals to a game of Truth or Dare because I guess this week’s theme is middle school. Shawn picks dare because, duh and he’s dared to strip down and golf in the nude. He takes off his pants to reveal he’s wearing as he called them “compression leggings” and as America calls them, long johns. Shawn leaves his socks on because he’s a gentleman, and there IS a strict golf course dress code. The point being, Shawn gets a SIZEABLE black box. Amirite, ladies? Bless your dirty birdie soul, Kaitlyn.

Later at dinner, Kaitlyn brings up why the hell Shawn always gets his ankle-length undies in a twist over Nick. Shawn gets REAL fired up and compares Nick to a thirteen year old girl for spreading rumors. This leads to Kaitlyn giving Shawn the key to the fantasy suite, so that they can stay up all night and talk shit about Nick and maybe also prank call him. The morning after, Shawn struts out of the suite, right into Nick’s waiting clutches. “Oh sup, Shawn, fancy running into you here, can I steal you away for a minute?”-Nick asks. They sit down and shout words at each other. The end. I don’t want to watch one more minute of these two fighting like baby bitches and therefore refuse to recap it.

Kaitlyn puts on a sexy cleavage-baring red dress to sit down with Chris Harrison and talk boyz. Obviously this decision is going to be very DIFFICULT and PAINFUL, which is why after her intro rose speech, Kaitlyn needs a minute to properly wah. The decision is made that it will be Nick vs. Shawn in the bottom two, as if it could ever be any other way. Ben remains unlovable. JK. Call me, Ben ;). After Kaitlyn departs, they leave the remaining two locked in the room together with alcohol to see who makes it out alive. They both stuff their hands in their pockets and stare at the wall.

FINALLY the stay in Ireland is over and it’s off to Utah for both hometown visits. Wait. Did I hear that correctly? Yes. This show has shit on all traditions and instead brought the two families to meet Kaitlyn in the exotic locale of Utah. Nick is first and he blubbers to Kaitlyn that he loves her and apparently with Andi it would’ve been a leap of faith but this time he’s tote sure that this is it. Ok, Nick. Meanwhile, Nick’s TLC reality show sized family is assembled in a room crying together because they just learned that Nick has died a horrific death whoops, I mean they’re scared Nick’s going to get his heart stomped out on national TV again.

Kaitlyn meets Nick’s 100 siblings, vows to never remember any of their names again and announces that Nick has made it to the bottom two. Their reactions are an Oscar-worthy collective performance of YIIIIKES–he’s screwed! Things apparently go swimmingly enough after that because Nick and Kaitlyn do the “Carlton” in the middle of the family circle. WHAT? Nick’s sis Maria must have similar sentiments because she then takes Kaitlyn aside to ask WTF is going on here. Kaitlyn passes the test with flying colors then later tells a couch full of Nick’s brothers, “I’ve spent a lot of time with Nick and we really bonded.” They’re clearly picking up what she’s putting down, if you catch my drift. Finally, the smallest child in the Viall family, Bella comes in for the hard-hitting questions, to ask about Canada’s geography. Bella’s clearly not here for the right reasons.

Nick has a heart to heart with his mom where he reveals that Kaitlyn’s really good at making out. A suuuupes normal thing for a 34 year old to gab about with his mom. Then he reassures his worried mother that this time around is SO different than last year. Cause like last year Nick was so confident and this year he knows better. Then adds that he’s really confident and Kaitlyn definitely loves him. Lesson learned, Nicky V.

Next up is meeting the two Gods that created the slobberworthy specimen that is Shawn and his fellow genetic lottery winning siblings. Shawn has a lot of sisters and warns Kaitlyn that they’ll be tough and Kaitlyn is like no worries, sisters are my JAM. Well you know what’s NOT my jam? Shawn does NOT have an equally attractive brother for me. I’m so disappointed. Also fun fact: his sisters look NOTHING like him. Dark hair for days. Shawn talked a big game about how hard his sisters will judge and the minute they get one on one time with Kaitlyn they’re like love you to pieces, girlfran, welcome to the fam!!!! As the sisters act like putty in Kaitlyn’s hands, Papa Booth is like ok, Shawn, what’s the deal with all these shenanigans. Shawn is quick to tell dad, “well she told me I’m the one off camera soooo”…..BECAUSE WE WILL NEVER EVER HEAR THE END OF THAT. Like ever. In our final moments, Shawn and Kaitlyn cuddle up on the couch and Shawn bumbles on that he has something to tell her, he’s not falling in love with her…cause he’s IN love with her. GOOD ONE, SHAWN. You prankster, you. Then Kaitlyn goes outside to stare at the mountains and cry about picking just one.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- A Fantasy Pork in Cork

Saaarrryyyy this is a day late. I did that thing where I pretended the 4th of July went through Monday and had a tough time coming back to real life. Anyway, back to the not real life of Kaitlyn Bristowe. Did you guys know that she had sex? I wasn’t sure if you heard about it or anything but spoiler alert, Kaitlyn let someone enter her pre-fantasy suite and we’re never going to hear the end of it. I wonder what it’s like to have the whole world talking about your vagina because you banged someone you were dating? Mull it over while I talk about other things, but WE WILL RETURN TO THIS TOPIC. Why? Because this show won’t let it go.

“Let’s Make Today Unforgettable”- Ben

ABC rented an island for the day so that two adults could play hide and seek. Just kitten, Ben suggesting they play hide and seek was cute AF. That’s my kinda guy right there (immature.) Ben says the role of husband means being attracted to his wife. Kaitlyn says a husband is someone who won’t leave her when she gets annoying. Both valid points. Ben fears that he is unlovable. This is not an exaggeration; this is a literal dumb sentence that fell out of his open mouth. Shh, Ben just keep looking pretty. Kaitlyn is like that’s so great that you told me you think nobody loves you because I maybe, might, possibly could be thinking about falling in love with you. I’m guessing she’s a little gun shy after telling Shawn he was the one and having him poop himself about it. Ben says overnights are not about sex and he can’t wait to just talk all night. YIKES. Kaitlyn obviously assumes he’s a virg because he’d rather have a gab sesh slumber party. She asks him outright and he says, girl, please.

“Let’s Let Our Love Run Amuck”-Joe, Shawn, Nick

Say it with me now…

Shawn steals Kaitlyn to make up for lost time with his mouth. Then Kaitlyn asks Nick how he feels about the two of them having sex on TV before it’s ok to have sex on TV and he’s like I feel great, I don’t regret it at all and Kaitlyn is all yeah totally, me too, I was gonna say that…I just wanted to see what you were gonna say first. So apparently we’re all supposed to forget about the three weeks she cried and said it was a mistake or something.

Kaitlyn asks Joe if he’s ready marriage. He shows her he’s ready for it by coming at her face REAL quick with his eyes open for a smooch. (This will play out in my nightmares.) He then pours out all of his feels that he’s in love with her and will be frenching her until she’s 60. Slow your roll, Joe. Even though Joe’s shelf life was maximum another week, Kaitlyn gets all the uncomfies by him saying he loves her so she cuts him loose immediately. Joe handles it a WHOLE lot better than Cupcake. Instead of sobbing into a scarf and contemplating a hurdle to his death, he turns into a dick. He shakes off the sappies and tells Kaitlyn this was fun and when she tells him to stop acting tough he says, “nah it’s cool, no worries, man,” like his buddy just told him he accidentally drank his beer instead of totes getting his heart stomped on. It’s safe to say that I like Joe Cool 1000x better than the snoozefest we’ve seen this whole season. His bitter exit was the most entertaining thing to happen this episode.

After Joe skates out without allowing the cameras to capture his last thoughts, which probably would’ve been “it’s whatever…it was fun until it wasn’t,” Nick is sent back to the house and Shawn gets more date time. Kaitlyn word vomits up her sex confession and tells Shawn that her and Nick went too far. He wants to know why she’s telling him at all and I’d like to know why she’s only telling him…oh wait, because he’s clearly the ONE. Never mind, she did take-backsies on telling him that. Indian giver. Shawn excuses himself to go to the bathroom so he can try to flush himself down the toilet and escape this situation. Nick wah-wah’s that he didn’t get more time while Shawn softly weeps in the “Gents” room of a seafood restaurant. Finally Shawn decides to man up and accept that lispy got to plow Kaitlyn’s fields first (or at all.) Other things that happened: The phrase “forgone conclushion” comes out of Nick’s mouth roughly 4 times for no particular reason while he continues to blubber to the others about how Shawn’s getting time instead of him. Also Shawn only refers to Nick as “the other guy” and I feel like he could’ve come up with a more dig-tastic nickname than that.

Rose Ceremony:

There is no cocktail party because Kaitlyn already knows whom she’s going to ~~marry~~ date for a couple of months at this point and the rest is just for ratings and dissection of her sex life.

Shawn is called first and has decided to choose this moment during the rose ceremony to ask why she picked Nick to have sexual relations with when she KNOWS Shawn hates him. Alright Shawn, you’ve exhausted your possessive passes for this season. I can’t stand by this anymore. Obviously Kaitlyn thinks he doesn’t trust her. Go figure. He still accepts the rose. So do Ben & Nick and I have a glorious time bidding farewell to Jared because I never have to fight the very strong urge to punch him square in the face ever again.

Fantasy Suite with Nick (What’s the point?)

They go to a cathedral but instead of engaging in foreplay again, they talk about Nick’s parents meeting in church. Nick admits he’s not religious but felt really guilty “the first time he touched his privates” HIS PRIVATES. ICK. Ugh. Woof. Vomit. Other than sounding like a real perv and making me want to puke, I just wish that Nick would STOP USING WORDS THAT END IN S. He also says he has “insecurities.” (Double S’s)

In a creepy jail in Cork, Nick says he doesn’t like Shawn because he doesn’t respect guys “who say they’re Eskimo brothers with a country singer because they F’ed the same girl in the same night.” To be clear he shares this unprompted and pretty off topic, ok, narc. Smooth way to work that into the conversation. Also not for nothing but Shawn’s insta is full of pics with Thomas Rhett, so I’m using my investigative skills to assume that’s his Eskimo brother. Seems pretty bragworthy, jus sayin. Anywho, Kaitlyn is like ok thanks for sharing, let’s get right to the penetration. No mics during relations this time, because it’s acceptable to have sex in the fantasy suite but not before then. Remember? The next morning they share ham while barely dressed. Kaitlyn has some interesting morning hair but her full face of makeup makes me believe she did not wake up like this.

Shawn vs. Nick

Shawn rolls up on Nick and his toggle wool sweater and the two bro fight and say they hate each other. There is nothing noteworthy about this exchange, and yet still it needed to be continued. Until next week, when this argument probably ends with “F U, bruh.”

P.S. Brady and Britt are still together but Brady is going back to Nashville because he might have to work or go home at some point. Britt is still wearing a knit cap because this span of their relationship was all shot in one day. Ok. Thank you for the 30-second update, good luck with your “long distance” relationship.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- The Cliffs of No Moher Cupcake

We return to the couch of shame…Shawn asks Kaitlyn if she’s in love with him. Apparently he thinks it’s the Shawn show, and basically it is for me, but I guess other people might see this as a little egocentric. Shawn, bubby, baby, this is a scripted show and she has to give roses to other guys sometimes, otherwise your storyline would be demoted to the credits each week like Britt and Brady…because two people dating is not quality TV. Kaitlyn tells Shawnie to make a decision and he decides that they should mack it up on the couch. Good decision, Shawn. Bravo!

Meanwhile, Tanner, the town gossip and US Weekly’s #1 subscriber, talks shit with Nick about Shawn. Tanner rubs his palms together and cannot WAIT to see what happens when he pits Shawn and Nick against each other for his own entertainment, I cannot WAIT until Tanner gets eliminated without anyone really knowing who he is.

2 on 1 Date- JJ & Joe

I’m not going to lie to you all, I shamelessly anticipated this date with glee once I saw that she was taking the boys on a boat ride to a remote island, knowing that eventually one would be left there. Visions of the Badlands and Dum Dum Soules flying off in a helicopter, leaving Kardashley and Kelsey to throw sand at each other clouded my head. These thoughts were soon interrupted by the most snoooooozeworthy two on one date EVER. Joe the Slow tells Kaitlyn he’s falling in love with her and she’s one in a million and seals it with several passionate smooches. Kaitlyn is blown away, either by Joe’s feels or the gusty winds on the cliff they’re hanging out on, not sure which one.

“Today’s the biggest day of my recent life.”-JJ

JJ uses his time with Kaitlyn to bare his soul and confesses that he cheated on his wife three years ago BUT he’s learned his lesson because he lost everything and lives in his parents basement now. Let’s lay this out in clearer terms…JJ the douchenozzle former investment banker cheated on his wife when she had a newborn but he’s sars! Kaitlyn’s first response is that cheating is her worst fear in a relationship and we already know that JJ the slime ball will be thinking about what he did on those cliffs in just a few short moments. Kaitlyn sends JJ home to “be with his daughter” which is code for “I’d prefer not to marry someone who will be getting his rocks off elsewhere while my vagina is still healing from pushing out our child.” Kaitlyn tells Joe she needs more time to fall in love with him, aka JJ just bought Joe another week, tops. They continue the date while JJ continues to mourn the loss of Cliff and now Kaitlyn too.

Joe comes back and tells everyone his date was great and they “spent some time on the couch together.” Ok Nick 2.0, calm down. Joe confesses to his bros-in-waiting that he’s falling in love with her and everyone giggles and fans themselves and Shawn storms out like a drama King who can’t stop blabbering about how Kaitlyn told him off camera that he’s the one. Shawn rolls up to Kaitlyn’s hotel room AGAIN and she has a meltdown that he’s found out about her extracurriculars with Nick and while she’s hyperventilating Shawn is like “Sup?” To be clear, Shawn still has no idea that she allowed Nick to ‘trate her, he’s still whining about the fact that she told him that he was the one. Pretty boy still doesn’t understand how the show works and Kaitlyn has to reiterate that she will have multiple boyfs until the very last episode. I’m scared for Shawn finding out about Nick. Real scared (read: excited.) Kaitlyn says last week (off-camera) was a mistake because clearly now Shawn is clingy AF and she regrets reassuring him much more than she regrets her mic’ed up romp with Nick in Dublin.

Cocktail Party:

Kaitlyn starts off by making a speech about mistakes and obviously all of the insecure baby bitches immediately assume they are the mistake. Nick is like I don’t know if you guys noticed but I have a rose and I’m STILL really nervous. I think I speak for all of the contesticles when I say,STFU, Nick. Ben H. sits with Kaitlyn by the fire and tells her he’s super jelly belly about whatever it was that Kaitlyn said to Shawn when she snuck down to see the two of them and he regretfully had to take a shower. Seriously, Ben H.? You couldn’t have waited until she left to shower? I’m guessing Kaitlyn will never again ham it up without cameras…she cries her way out of this one, naturally. Side note: now that I watch UnREAL and basically know everything there is to know about filming this show, I know for a fact that there would always be someone on call with a camera so exactly how did this “several hours” of off camera bizz go down? Especially considering that she had sex with a mic pack on? HMMMM….seems suspicious.

Anyway, back to the cocktail party, Nick’s like hey remember how I was inside of you? We’re still Gucci, right? And Kaitlyn is like yeah as long as you don’t blab to everyone (like when you ratted Andi out), snitches get stitches. Nick tells Kaitlyn not to worry because he didn’t tell anyone it was intimate or special when that is literally EXACTLY what he told the bros-in-waiting the next morning. Then Nick cries but I don’t really know why. I guess he’s scared she’s going to chuck him when she finds out Shawn is better in bed? I don’t know. Go to speech therapy, Nick. Please. Especially if you’re going to make TV dating your career.

Shawn stares at the fire with a strong drink in his hand, swirling the dark liquor around as he recalls watching fireworks from a canoe with Kaitlyn wrapped warmly in his embrace. (See, Chris Harrison, I too, could write a romance novel.) He’s taking the broody girlfriend bit a little too far, if you ask me. Show us those washboard abs! Soap opera music soundtracks his chat with Kaitlyn where they both say they made mistakes and use a lot of clichés like bump in the road and taking a step back. I never thought I would say this but their time togets is beginning to get exhausting. There needs to be some lovin soon or I’m going to be forced to bring my Team Shawn flag to half mast in mourning.

Rose Ceremony:

Nick, Jared, Joe, Ben H., Cupcake, Shawn

BenZ (thank God we only have one Ben now) and Tanner are dunzo, Tanner will probably start a blog about the show and BenZ tries to convince us he can’t find a girlfriend. Also he mentions his dead mom again.

Road Trip with Jared

Kaitlyn sucks at driving, they took a bunch of selfies, kiss the blarney stone and I still want to punch Jared square in the dome.

C.Harrison interrupts our countdown to Cupcake’s tears by sitting down for some good ole fashioned real talk with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn confesses that she regrets every single thing that she’s done on and off camera, basically and Chris replies with “That’s good.” Interesting form of psychoanalysis there. He then suggests switching things up so that the guys who haven’t gotten bone time will have the opportunity to level the playing field (if you know what I mean) before hometown visits. Chris, you perv, you, telling Kaitlyn to get after it! I support this wholeheartedly.

Cupcake One on One @ Cliffs of Moher

Kaitlyn dons a sassy pony and takes Cupcake on a helicopter ride around Ireland and to the Cliffs of Moher. They talk about their futures and Kaitlyn keeps referring to this process as finding her “forever”, which I think is cute that she’s still thinking her final rose relationship will last more than a year, tops. Shit gets real, real quick when Cupcake goes all therapy on Kaitlyn, puts his face entirely too close to hers and asks how she’s doing. Kaitlyn cries and says, “This is the hardest thing for me in this moment.” A new rating scale for how hard things are, moment by moment. My mind is blown by just how hard things can be. In the end, Kaitlyn tells Chris she doesn’t see herself marrying someone who drove up in a candy corn cupcake and she leaves him to sob and contemplate suicide on the cliffs.

After seeing these tears teased for two hours I was prepared for disappointment when they actually happened. But I was NOT disappointed. The dramatic waterfall of tears and hiccupping sobs coming out of Cupcake’s body were SO WORTH IT. He hides his ugly cry face in a scarf and tells himself to pull it together. IT WAS GOLD. Such sadness coming from such white teeth…sorry Cupcake, at least you’ve kick started your career on Broadway!

On a final note, try as they might, the editors of The Bachelorette did their best work to show reaction after reaction that we are to assume is about Nick and Kaitlyn’s tryst but I would like to reiterate that for yet another week literally no one knows anything about the porking that occurred in Dublin and I can only imagine the floodgates that will open after they do the big reveal…if EVER. Seriously, Kaitlyn, just tell them…for all of us.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Don’t Have Sex, Because You Will Get Pregnant, and DIE.

“I want a rose so bad that I would pull my own tooth for one.”

You’ll have to excuse me if I seem extra snarky this week but I sat for two hours last night on a bed I was basically sticking to due to my 1000 degree apartment, just to watch an episode that began and ended with a cliffhanger and the in between was some behind-the-door moans. Anyway, in the continuous episode that is this season, we pick up mid-rant with Kaitlyn and our buddy Ian who is number 5 (?) in the crew of “I’m here to become famous” contest-icles. Kaitlyn takes in all that Ian has to say with silence and a few “oh, you serious” sass faces as he basically tells her he was looking for a vulnerable girl to prey on. Ian defends himself though by saying, “you asked us to be honest, sooo you basically gave me permission to verbally assault you.” Deuces, Ian. All aboard the douche-caravan. His parting words were, “I’m being punished for being intellectual,” and I can only assume that Kelsey from last season caught wind of this and immediately asked Ian to be a part of her amazing story full of large vocabulary words.

Before Kaitlyn can shed any tears, it’s Nick to the rescue! He wraps her up in a big slobber hug and the rest is incoherent because I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I physically can’t understand a word he sssssaysssss. Then he takes a quick chomp on her finger…which isn’t flirting, Nick, it’s what I do with my sister’s dog when I want to pretend he’s attacking me. And lastly, Nick tells Kaitlyn, “you do not disappoint” as he pushes his boner against her hip. Shawn-us interruptus catches this all and runs away crying.

The Alamo- Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison tries to make the rose ceremony about him by not so slyly announcing this was his home state. Unfortunately, the rose ceremony is not about Chris OR bad hair because the two worst hairstyles are swiftly eliminated, as they should have been. All the awards in the world to the producers who probably told Joshua they didn’t have time to fix his terrible haircut for the rose ceremony, knowing his fate and making sure he looked his absolute worst for it. Golf clap. Hey Joshua, you look like a DOOOFUS!

DOOFUS, DOOFUS, DOOFUS!

Roses: Ben H., Nick, Shawn, Jared, Cupcake, JJ, Joe, BenZ, Tanner

Dublin, Ireland, One on One Date with Lispy

Next logical stop after The Alamo? Ireland, duh. Nick is picked for the one on one date and has 10 minutes to change from his grey boner pants to an even tighter pair of green boner pants. I start to get genuinely concerned that I won’t be able to recap this date because I can’t understand Nick, but my worries quickly fade when I see that there is essentially no talking, just rubbins. Kaitlyn flails around some pigeons, then Nick flails in a Irish step dancing performance and nearly rips his jeggings. The remaining activities consist of Nick trying to swallow Kaitlyn’s head in various public places in Dublin. According to Nick, their physical relationship is “rock ssssholid.”

Later, they grope in a church, truly rounding out the Irish date of soft-core porn. Nick whispers sweet nothings in Kaitlyn’s ear mostly along the lines of “I’m dying…you’re giving me blue balls, can we bone now…” you know, real romantic stuff. Kaitlyn is like ok here’s a rose because I think we’re still doing that TV show thing and now let’s get to the ‘tration.

Shawn and Jared gossip about Nick and are like fingers crossed she’s having a shitty time right now–meanwhile, Nick is slipping his digits up Kaitlyn’s skirt on her hotel couch. Then this show tapped right into my nightmares of the days when I had to listen to my roommate getting friendly with boys in our shared dorm room in college and the sloppy kissing sounds and awk foreplay when they forced us to watch a closed door and listen to Nick giving Kaitlyn multiples while he pet her hair and lapped at her mouth (probably.) Apparently when you go to poundtown on TV, you also keep your mic packs on. Showing them closing the door would have sufficed, THANKS. On the bright side, now I can add Kaitlyn’s moans to the list of things I never ever want to hear again for the rest of my life.

The following day, Nick takes the walk of shame with a shit-eating grin, sits down for story time with the boys and said they just talked. I overcompensated for how smart these jabronis are when I assumed they would immediately guess that he boinked her but apparently these morons have never heard of a girl and a guy TAALLLKKING. Nick basically did everything short of showing them the footage when he grinned and said it was intimate but no one caught on.

RIP Kaitlyn-Tanner, BenZ, Shawn, Jared, Ben H, Cupcake

Hear ye, hear ye, Kaitlyn is dead. She died from Nick giving her a rare strand of Chlamydia and the leftovers are attending her wake for a group date. If there were ever a point when I would give up on a TV show it would have been this exact point, but since I only watch it to make fun of it I hung in there. Chris Harrison admitting, however, that this was “a little” ridiculous almost caused me to launch at the TV. Oh really, Chris? Just a LITTLE? The boys gather around Kaitlyn lying in a coffin and give their eulogies. I wish that was a sentence that I made up, but alas it isn’t. Unfortunately for BenZ who actually lost his mom, death isn’t really a topic that’s all about LoL’s on TV for him. Gawd, Kaitlyn, read the room before you fake die. He gets super emosh about it and makes everyone clear the room.

Later, the boys take time to chat with Kaitlyn because whoever gets rosed spends the rest of the night with her and everyone else has to bizounce. Shawn shows her pictures of his family (d’awww), Jared calls Kaitlyn a beautiful corpse like the stupid creep that he is (and also brings up her old man laugh for the 10000th time) and yet his patchy ass beard on that punchworthy face of his still gets the rose. Shawn is sad panda about it. He shouldn’t be, because the reward for getting a rose is going to a cathedral for a personal concert by The Cranberries. Yes, you heard me correctly, the obscure Irish 90’s band whose most famous song is most definitely about a fart is who they chose as a prized performance. But for serious though, last season’s star power was Big & Rich and now The Cranberries? You would think a #1 rated show could lock down a musical guest from this decade, no? Obviously The Crans perform “Linger” because romance.

While Kaitlyn and Jared slow dance to an ode to flatulence, Shawn pulls a producer aside to strong-arm him for dirty deets on whose been in Kaitlyn’s bed. It turns out that the reason he needs to know so badly is because he also spent some bedroom time with Kaitlyn, except he was classy enough to do it OFF camera and he’d probably like to know if he should get tested. The producer told him it wouldn’t hurt to get a quick blood test and Shawn makes a surprise visit to confront Kaitlyn. Unfortunately, she leads him to sit down on the same couch that her and Nick exchanged fluids on mere hours before and Shawn left his black light kit at home. What will happen?! Will Shawn leave? Will Kaitlyn cry? Will Shawn get so angry at her that he rips his shirt off, picks her up and carries her to her room? Hey, a girl can dream. Anyway, we will not know any of these things ever…or until next week, whatever.

PS In case anyone cares (I certainly don’t), our weekly catch-up with the Hipster twins Britt & Brady contained a winter knit hat in the sunshine state and Britt’s mom declaring that Brady seems like a good buddy. In other words, Brady just got friend-zoned by Britt’s mom. Yikes.

The Salty Ju

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Tag Archives: Chris Harrison

The Bachelor- Como se dice: Taste My Taco

The Bachelor- House of Criers

The Bachelor- Catching Flies

The Bachelor Premiere- Lace Up

The Bachelorette- Eskimo Brothers

The Bachelorette- Bearded Bros Tell Nothing

The Bachelorette- SLEEPOVER PARTY!!!

The Bachelorette- A Fantasy Pork in Cork

The Bachelorette- The Cliffs of No Moher Cupcake

The Bachelorette- Don’t Have Sex, Because You Will Get Pregnant, and DIE.