1. Amy Schumer crushes Glamour’s Trailblazer Acceptance speech. Full disclosz: this speech was suuuuper inapprops,but also hilarious. It’s a dream of mine to one day also win an award from a well-established magazine in a foreign country and drop the term “cum dumpster” in my acceptance speech. Keep on keepin on, Amy…you give me life goals.
2. Iggy Azalea stole my future engagement ring. Swaggy P got down on one swagalicious knee and proposed to Iggy Azalea this past week and gave her largest canary diamond I could ever dream of trying on my dainty finger.
Jelly is an understatement for how I’m feeling about this rock. Hey future husband…if you’re out there and reading my stupid blog scheming up the best way to sweep me off my feet it’s with this exact ring, so like start saving or rob a bank or something and make it happen. Also please be tall. Thank you and goodnight.
3. Full House released unauthorized nightmares. This is the cast pic.
It’s so ridiculous that even Uncle Joey tweeted it out and was like LAWLZ. So I guess you could say they nailed it.
4. Kim Richards is outtie 5000 on Real Housewives and Kyle Richards is producing a show about their childhood. One Sisters Richards bows out of the reality TV show that probably fueled her alcoholism (it’s for the best) while another Sisters Richards decided to exploit their childhood for a new show on TVLand. Sounds about right. Most importantly…what does Kathy Hilton think about all of this?! Stay relevant, ladiezzzz.
5. Juicy Tidbits. Lance Bass posts a 90’s-licious TBT of the Spice Girls chumming with N*SYNC in what looks like a mall before any of them were famous. Everything about this picture is glorious, from Posh’s bitch face right down to JT’s Native American felt clogs.
1. Lifetime is making a Full House unauthorized movie. Lifetime just could NOT allow Full House to be snagging up that spotlight without a little scandal so they decided to cash in on it real quick. Obviously their Saved by the Bell unauthorized movie was sooo spot on:
So it will be interesting to see how they butcher this one as well. In other Fuller House scandal news, after the Olsens pretended they were never invited to partake in the reboot, Uncle J cleared it up with MK and now s’all good.
Had a sweet talk with M.K today!! There way more important things going in the wold today. #Family
2. Biebs joins in on Zoolander sequel. Ugh. Biebz literally sucks the fun out of all joyous things.
3. Amy Schumer crushes life. A lot of Amy’s sketches from the new season of Inside Amy Schumer have been passed around lately, here’s one from this week where she mocks a 1D song about being beautiful while also pointing out the fact that women look like trolls without makeup. Although I wish she also mocked the big pizzazz every time a celeb goes makeup free and we all bow down even though they’re clearly wearing mascara and eyeliner…but I digress.
4. Todrick Hall is winning YouTube this week. With his 90’s Hip Hop/Disney mashup AND tribute to Queen B in 4 minutes, this guy is crushing it.
5. Zac Efron. Sup? Zac is filming a new movie this week where apparently his abs will be getting a credit for supporting role. I don’t hate it.
“Don’t worry about your speeches going too long because MTV is the only network that refuses to play music.”-Amy Schumer
Yeah I still watch both the MTV Movie Awards and the VMA’s every year. You wanna mock me for that? Fine. But I’ll have you know that last year this happened:
and I saw it go down live. So joke’s on you, really. This year I can’t say that anything that salacious occurred, but that’s why I’m here. To tell you the highlights of a show that’s target audience is pre-teens so that you can never bring it up in front of your co-workers today.
Highs:
-Amy Schumer as host. Amy is known for being gross, which is obviously why I like her. She didn’t really get to shine that much on this show but her opening montage of intruding all the big movie scenes from this year plus her monologue kicked off the show and there was an especially disgusting sketch about girls going to the movies alone to DJ (this is a metaphor for something inapprops.) Props to her for keeping her crass humor alive throughout the show.
-While introducing Magic Mike XXL cast, Amy talked about solving the California drought then said, “These four presenters are doing their part by making it rain in my spanx.” A+
– JLo calls out the Magic Mike boys for a dance number and Channing shakes that AZZZZ.
-Miles Teller presents the Trailblazer award to Shailene Woodley and doesn’t even read a speech, just genuinely talks about how phenomenal she is as a person and it’s real adorbsies. Interestingly, not once is her breakout role in the critically acclaimed Secret Life of the American Teenager on ABC Family mentioned. SHE SHOULD HAVE WON ALL THE AWARDS FOR HER ROLE AS AMY JERGENS, the fifteen year old who didn’t even know she had sex and then 9 months later had a son who miraculously never learned to talk over the course of like 6 seasons. Jus sayin.
-Pitch Perfect 90’s Hip Hop Riff-Off exclusive clip. Is it May yet? (Could’ve easily done without Rebel strutting out in a bedazzled bra, leather pants and angel wings…but let it slide because that’s just Fat Patricia. Bonus points for calling her lady curtains a “girl power” and not a kitty—see below)
-Kevin Hart the butt of all short people jokes brings his kids up to accept the Comedic Genius award and says that everything he does is for them and it’s supes cutes and then him and his son do a Parent Trap style handshake that MTV deems unimportant and moves the camera off of.
Lows:
-Vin Diesel presenting an award and then serenading the crowd awkwardly? Was this for Paul Walker? I was perplexed because he said the name Pablo. Someone pls clarify for me.
-Apparently Fall Out Boy lives on in present day and not just in my 8th Grade Angst mix because they performed with a rapper that I still never caught the name of and it doesn’t matter anyway because the whole time he was rapping Pete Wentz was lurking next to him trying to steal the spotlight. Punk meets Rap. Kewl, MTV. Update: the rapper’s name is Fetty Wap. What planet am I on?
-Zac Efron and Dave Franco accepted best Duo in character from Neighbors and literally just quoted their own movie and reenacted scenes. There wasn’t enough abs and these two proved they could never be part of an improv club like Michael Scott.
-Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara do a bit about how they make out sometimes and hey you two, the men of America don’t need played out girl on girl cliches to have wet dreams about Sofia Vergara.
-Shailene and Ansel win for best kiss and Ansel isn’t even there. Hey guys act like you’ve heard of MTV before…the fans only vote for the two that they want to see mack it up onstage. What a buzzzkillllll. Even worse, Shailene says, “If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to kiss your brother, it’s kinda great.” To erase this memory I give you the best MTV Movie Best Kiss acceptance of ALL TIME:
-An entire performance called Drop That Kitty with far too many cat references to vaginas. The uncomfortable police were called several times to shield my eyes and my ears from this.
-John Green accepts the award for The Fault in Our Stars, admits he had nothing to do with the making of the movie, loses his chill for several minutes and tugs at his hair a lot then doesn’t let the actual director or producers of the film speak and also forgets to thank them. Solid effort.
Full List of Winners:
Female Performance- Shailene Woodley, The Fault in Our Stars
Scared as Shit Performance-Jennifer Lopez
Trailblazer Award- Shailene Woodley
Comedic Performance- Channing Tatum
Generation Award- Robert Downey Jr.
Best Duo- Dave Franco & Zac Efron
Best Kiss- Shailene Woodley & Ansel Elgort
Male Performance- Bradley Cooper
Comedic Genius- Kevin Hart
Movie of the Year- The Fault in Our Stars
This tweet sums up the night perfectly:
Zac Efron and the cast of 'Magic Mike XXL' in the same room and neither is shirtless. Nothing makes sense. #MTVMovieAwards#MovieAwards@MTV
The Salty Ju 