RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Not Easy To Love”

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What was once one of my favorite housewives traditions has been dumped on this season with one fell swoop. The dinner party used to be as sacred housewives event chock full of catered meals the host pretended to cook, dirty looks and drama invented over whose place card had a heart and whose didn’t. Well, not anymore. Now that Yolanda has been incapacitated with lyme-ness, she hasn’t been able to throw one of her famously douchey dinner parties with her creepy counterpart in an entire year. We’ve gone a whole year without David forcing Yolanda’s friends to sing and then quickly telling them they better not once he hears their terrible voices. Anyway, Yolanda tries to bring the old dinner party magic back and it goes horribly, horribly wrong. Why? Because everyone hates each other. Kyle and Lisa meet up beforehand to strategize how fake they’re going to act to Yolanda and once everyone arrives at the restaurant they make the sound decision to address their beefs right there at the table.

Upon greeting Yolanda, Lisa would like to make sure she’s forgiven for something that she NEVER did because Lisa has NEVER done anything wrong. Yolanda cries. Hot start to dinner. Then she asks Eileen if they’re good or not for the 100th time and for the grand finale, Lisa confronts Erika to talk about the cobwebs she weaves from her 68 year old vagina, or something. DON’T GET CAUGHT IN LISA’S WEB, KEN. Erika, my glittery blonde Barbie holds her own with her first dinner party attack…EVEN THOUGH she was up at 4AM patting dat puss.

At the other end of the table, Eileen is still steaming about Lisa’s bullshit. Then Kathryn is called down to repeat what Erika said again so Rinna can be part of the drama. Next, Eileen and Rinna start having conflict because Rinna won’t agree that Lisa is a shady MF’er. Are you keeping up with all this? No, of course not, because this is dumber than a bunch of 11 year olds gossiping over their lunchables in middle school. What’s even worse is that the only adult of the group, who owns up to what she says, Miss Erika “I Woke Up Like This” Jayne, is like WTF Kathryn, I assumed our conversation was confidential. And Kathryn’s like nah I repeat everything, so that’s on you. So basically Kathryn’s a shitty gossiper, and therefore a terrible woman. What female doesn’t know the hard and fast rules of talking shit? Nice knowin ya, Kathryn. You won’t be back next season.

What’s the perfect dessert for a dinner full of immature bitches choosing sides of the table? A private room performance from one of the classically greatest voices in the world, of course. Seriously, this group of turds gets to listen to Andrea Bocelli perform Ave Maria like he’s a jazz singer at a nightclub. How undeserving. Kyle sees this as a sign from her mom to go check on Kim and also cries. Rinna calls it f****ing SURREAL. Classy reaction from a classy broad.

After this dumb dinner party that wasn’t even exciting and disgraced the reputation of a Yo dinner party, the rest of the episode was essentially inconsequential. Rinna freaks out about her daughter’s tonsillectomy and her daughter requested she buy a wheelchair upon her recovery, so at least she’s not being dramatic. Kyle pretends to cook dinner for her kids and dog to eat off the table and announces she’d like to check out her heritage in Ireland. Mauricio’s like great, we’ll buy a house there, probably. Lisa shows America how obsessed she is with Yolanda’s ex-husband Mohammed as he builds her a pink playhouse for her backyard. I’m assuming this will be the ponies’ main residence. Eileen meets up with Erika and Yolanda to rehash her Lisa beef even more than I thought could be possible.

In the theme of beating a dead horse, Kim also comes out of the shadows and makes a physical appearance rather than just a verbal appearance spewing out of Rinna’s mouth. (LoL at Rinna suggesting she send Kim a birthday text. Maybe she should add the wine glass emoji for laughs? “Ha-Ha Happy Birthday Kim, remember that time I hulk-smashed a wine glass right in your face? Hope you’re sober xoxo, Rinna.”) Kim visits Kyle to have a “healthy conversation”, which in Bravo speak is: show every embarrassing and hurtful clip of these two fighting over the past 5 years that we can get our grubby hands on. Welcome back, Kim!

Out of all this garbage, one shocking fact from this episode shone through and I’d like to address it head on. Kathryn met up with her sisters for lunch and they talked about their family and mom and blah blah blah but Kathryn informed us that all four children in her family were conceived on birth control. WHAT. THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE. This should be on a sign in my gynecologists’ office. Hey birth control is fun and stuff, but essentially DOES NOTHING. I mean seriously, once a year I pay to have someone probe around my downstairs with a metal clamp just so I can get a prescription to something that doesn’t even work?! Have a nice week everyone and close your legs unless you want babies!

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Spinning a Web”

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Before everyone verbally curb stomps each other this week, let’s first work out some aggression with a trendy Soul Cycle fundraiser for Kyle and Mauricio. No, not for THEM—for Habitat for Humanity OF COURSE! If they didn’t announce where the money was being donated, I would have to assume the real charity here is spending an hour with Russ, a fabulous gay wearing a skull and crossbones headband yelling at you to go harder as he dances on the bike to Katy Perry. Lisa agrees with me when she’s like okay where do I drop the check, see ya! Lisa’s effort level in this spin class is right on par with how hard I tried the 2 times I’ve taken Zumba in my life. It’s more about the social aspect and beats, less about the actual exercise.

Eileen meets the girls at lunch after their charitable trip to the gym because she had to work. WINK, WINK. Just kitten, she probably was totes actually working considering she’s the only one with a job in this group of lassies. She can’t really afford to take a spin class on a weekday afternoon. There’s some light banter about her latest shower sex scene in Salem or whatever fictional soap town she’s at these days. But wait a second, party’s not over yet. Kathryn sees you a steamy fake shower makeout, and raises you two tickets to the gun show. That’s right, she whips those bad boys out right at the table with no concerns as to what the gun policy is at the restaurant.

It’s a good thing Kathryn finally locks those away because what ensues next definitely doesn’t need anymore ammo. Kyle turns into a third grader with the ole, no one will notice if I turn to the person next to me at lunch and whisper yell something controversial. C’mon Kyle…at least text Lisa, it’s still obvious but you’d probably be less likely to start a war with Yolanda. Some passive aggressive bitching takes place about the Rinna vs. Yolanda saga. Yo tells Kyle that she’s butting in where she doesn’t belong; Kyle tells Yo that she’s being rude. Kathryn notes a tone in Yo’s voice. (Hey Kathryn, go back to kissing your biceps, pls.) And I want to stab myself and bleed out if I hear the word Munchausen’s one more G-D time. The lunch ends awkwardly.

While everyone is fighting over Rinna at lunch, she’s busy guest-starring on Jenny McCarthy’s dirty birdie Sirius show—where a typical topic of convo is about strap-ons. Rinna’s like oopsie my mouth keeps goin and gettin me into trouble, LoL! Ok, Rinna.

Later on, Kathryn and Erika eat takeout salads and cinnamon rolls before they work out. Kathryn doesn’t even properly appreciate the Cinnabon and treats their hang like a job interview, telling Erika to describe her strengths and weaknesses. Erika opens up about how she was mean girl’ed a lot when she was younger and her BFF was her grandma until she died. Kathryn is like I can replace her! Let’s cool our heels, Kathryn. You’re getting paid to hang out with Erika at the moment. Then the two talk about how Lisa is a shiesty MF’er.

Oh, and Yolanda email-burned Kyle and CC’ed everyone else on it. Not blind CC’ed, not accidentally replied all, loud and proud copied everyone on Kyle’s written spanking. (Have I mentioned how much I love Yolanda?) The producers have each housewife round robin read it. What a fun story time hour!

In order to properly celebrate the birthday that Lisa doesn’t want to draw attention to, she floats on a pink flamingo in her pool and makes her hired help bring her a cup of tea. Then she brings the girls down to her personal wine bar just so they can look at it, and then cuddle her new puppy “Schnooki”. Even though there are enough animals at the Vanderpump Estate to make up a traveling circus, Kathryn really wanted to get Lisa something that she wasn’t expecting. That’s why she tells Lisa her and Erika talked shit about her. HapPy BiRtHdAy Gurllllll! Everyone’s like what’s that? And Kathryn’s all, yeah Erika told me not to get caught in Vanderpump’s web, but more importantly she shed six years. I know, because I counted. Then collected them in a jar. Then Eileen stepped in and tried to back Erika up but basically just shoots herself in the foot and restarts her feud with Lisa from the Hamptons. I went through my bank statements dating back to 2014 because it’s infinitely more interesting than this new fight. THE END.

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- A Carnival of Butts

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You’re never fully a housewife until we’ve seen your digs and Kathryn has officially been initiated. Since she has more than one abode, we got a peek at her “San Diego house” and it’s plush with holy Jerusalem stone and Italian marble. There’s even an infrared sauna, which everyone apparently has…well everyone except for Rinna. She probably can’t afford it with her QVC income but she knows she WANTS one. Ask her what an infrared sauna does and she would not be able to tell you but she does know that it does good stuff. So that’s all that matters.

During lunch at the San Diego “party house”, Eileen casually brings up how she’s been up all night tossing and turning trying to figure out who narc’ed to Yolanda. If you’ll recall, Erika flat out lied about it last week, but this week she owns up in that queen top bun of hers. “I told Yolanda and also this salad is amazing,” is all that needs to be said to move on to a very awkward and forced discussion about the food. This spins into a ha-ha but really actually serious conversation about how Rinna never eats. LoL Rinna eats once a year but also everyone would like to know why she’s discussing an eating disorder like a knock-knock joke. Cue the tossback to Kim telling Rinna to eat a piece of bread in Amsterdam and now we’ve full-on dove into a Kim tell-all for the new ladies who don’t care at all what happened last season but the producers told them to ask. Rinna puts a spin zone on her hulk-smashing of a wineglass off the table way back when but conveniently can’t really get into it with Kyle sitting right there. So Kyle dramatically excuses herself and sits in the other room with Lisa while the rest of the unaware dum dums continue their discussion of her sister on the patio. Does this really need to happen? I don’t think anyone is picking up this show right this second, so we’ve all SEEN this and don’t want to relive it. However, since they’re clearly stuck for storylines and there’s only so much Lyme disease we can talk about (that will be coming later on), we need to vet out characters and storylines past.

ALSO, so Kathryn can turn on her tears real quick and share with the group that her dad committed suicide when she was 13 and struggled with addiction, so that’s why she felt the need to insert herself into the Richards sister triangle of hate. The other room eavesdroppers enter back into the scene and are like omg, what did we miss? The real takeaway here is that everyone thinks Kathryn has a beautiful cry face and Rinna has a disgusting one.

After the trip, the Girardi’s and Vanderpumps have dinner. Or more accurately, they meet up to assess and judge each other one on one. Thankfully, Lisa approves of Erika’s husband and when Lisa approves of something you never need to worry, dahling. It’s probable that she likes Tom so much because he’s shamelessly slobbering all over her. At one point I wonder if maybe Ken and Erika should leave those two alone, but after seeing how Tom reacts when Erika interrupts him I dare not suggest that she leave a dinner unannounced. Tom telling Erika that it was not her turn to speak had a VERY dad hit mom at the dinner table and everyone’s acting like it’s fine feel to it.

This just in: Adrienne needs a paycheck and a platform to promote her new skincare line, so here she is lunching with Kyle. They’re wearing the same color HAHA, #twinsies. After Adrienne tells us where we can purchase her product, the gals dish some more about Kim and Kyle cries a lot. At the same time, Rinna shows her daughters some poems her sister wrote. It’s an ideal time to do so because Rinna’s sister died of an overdose and addiction is a hot button topic this episode. Obviously these poems relate back to Rinna talking about Kim and how deeply this affects her still.

But enough about addiction, it’s time to talk about Lyme disease again at Erika’s backyard banger. Take notes, Kyle, because BBQ’s should be more like this…with carnival games and gay men splashing about in the pool. Erika has a glam squad prepare her for the event after shitting all over Kyle for wearing a gown to her own BBQ so this seems hypocritical. Mikey is on standby to say things like, “Queen of everything has arrived, to her own party,” and watch Erika eat juicy corn on a stick so close to her Cavalli cover-up in horror.

Eileen shows up in a bikini/dress with abs and hips and cleavage for days. She proudly reveals that Erika took her shopping. It’s so cute how much Eileen wants to be just like Erika. Get down with your bad self, grl. Yolanda stole a white pantsuit from GiGi’s closet and it fits her perfectly, of course. Locky, a dancer for Katy Perry twerks by the side of the pool. GANG’S ALL HERE!

The girls all gather round the picnic table to talk about why Ken follows Lisa everywhere. Just kidding, they talk about Mowshen disease of course…and every other variation that Yolanda and her regal accent can come up with. Rinna’s like you still mad, Yo? And the answer is a hard yes. There’s a lot of shouting about munch-hausen-frausen and it’s nothing we haven’t heard before. It’s such a dumb fight that cutting to Donnie explaining football to Ken is a welcome interruption. Ken smiles politely while trying to keep an ear to the drama just in case he’s needed to make an insensitive comment or insult anyone who looks at Lisa wrong. The climax comes when Erika shouts “TELL US WHO SAID IT!!!!” to Rinna. Rinna doesn’t tell and then her and Yo hug it out. It’s funny because they were slinging spite to each other last week on Twitter, so that hug was about as useful as underwear is to Erika Jayne.

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Please Welcome Erika Jayne!”

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A WEEK WITHOUT FAYE, HEY HEY HEY! Let us all rejoice and laugh at grown women paying thousands of dollars to freeze their pains away. Yo takes Kyle & Lisa to Cryotheraphy so that she can lock them both in a frozen chamber and try to murder them ala Scream Queens. Except Yolanda is probably smarter than the Chanels and will get the job done. Jk she doesn’t murder them yet, she just shows them how much better she is at handling a quick jaunt in -140 degrees Celsius. She saves the eviscerating for lunch when she dips her toe in the water by testing her Judas friends to see if they had her back when Rinna went on her Munchausen’s rant. It’s crickets from the two gossips. Guess these girls ain’t yo homies, no mo, YO! (Applause for that prose, right there.) Then the real smack down begins as Yolanda slides her children’s medical files over to Lisa, says, “I know what you did” and demands an apology. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Lisa speechless and it is GLORIOUS. Take the kids’ diagnosis as punishment for being a shitty friend, Lisa. Maybe you can read them as a bedtime story as you tuck Ken into bed at 5PM every night.

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In the house with a chapel built right in, Erika debates wearing her choker that says “cunty” for her next show in a closet full of gold chains and sparkle stilettos. Mikey, her creative director or more importantly, c-word enthusiast tells her to go on with her bad self and wear whatever the F she wants. Maybe if she wears a dog collar with a disgusting word for vagina on it she MIGHT even sing about sex and stuff…right Rinna? Anyway, Erika Girardi may have a place of worship in her home and a private plane for travel, but Erika Jayne takes a tour bus to San Diego with a bunch of gay dancers and sips Dom out of a plastic cup. Keep shaking it girl; you’ll get there one day.

Eileen meets Kathryn for lunch and speaks Italian to a waiter in Beverly Hills because she traveled to Italy so now it’s appropriate for her to show off her Rosetta Stone Italian. Don’t be a dick, Eileen. Since Eileen admitted to dating Kathryn’s ex-husband before they even shook hands, they already know they have something to talk about over lunch. Except oopsie, it turns out the year Marcus was smoochin up on Eileen, Kathryn was already dating him. They may have shared Marcus, but they do not share the same taste in purses. The way that Kathryn looked at Eileen’s purse you would’ve thought she adhered a Velcro one-strap at the end of lunch.

Eileen keeps it up as the white trash of the group when she wears a practical denim jumpsuit for the girls’ road trip to San Diego. She wins “most likely to be bullied for poor people clothes” on the ride there. Not for her jean camel toe that’s most definitely occurring in that tight limo, but because her shoes are from Forever 21 and everyone else is parading around with $4000 bags. Meanwhile, Erika Jayne gets her twat tanned. So at least everyone’s keeping it real. Stay classy, San Di-ahgo.

At the hotel, Rinna puts her detective hat on after being falsely accused of throwing Lisa under the bus and CRACKS THE CASE. If she didn’t say it…she wonders aloud staring at a bunch of papers with a magnifying glass, then it MUST MEAN SOMEONE ELSE DID. How is Rinna not a private investigator? She’s really wasting her God-given talents tooling away as an adult diaper model. She recruits Eileen and they’re going to get to the bottom of this. (i.e. confront Erika the second she steps offstage.)

Completely unrelated, here’s a fun fact: Kathryn is deaf in one ear and who thinks she’s going to use this as an excuse to get her out of a shady sitch later on this season? I do, I do!!! Erika Jayne better not blow out her good ear with too much auto tune screeching.

The ladies arrive at Pervert and slap a bunch of gay dancer ass. DON’T WORRY, it’s so harmless, just like throwing a tops and bottoms party. After Kyle is done touching homosexual ass (they’re not attracted to her but that doesn’t stop her from trying) she tries to upstage Erika from the VIP box with a pony swing that could make any bitch within a mile radius go blind. Erika pats her puss. OMG SHE’S SO SCANDALOUS.

After the show, the ladies have a throw down about Erika’s seaward necklace and Eileen is like EVERYTHING THAT ERIKA DOES IS AMAZING YOU ALL CAN SHUT THE HELL UP. Eileen knows what it’s like to be personally victimized by Kathryn. Also, did Eileen draw a birthmark on her face with eyeliner? I did that once in my trial days of makeup and it looked like I had a cancerous mole on my face. It’s a fine line to walk. Oh, and also Erika flat out denied narc’ing to Yolanda. But whatever. I never want to hear about this argument again. I’d rather watch Rinna dance like a mom in a gay club 1 million times than hear this fight anymore. Someone make those spastic moves into a gif, stat. Please and thank you.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Backwards in Heels”

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“I feel like if you’ve been married for 20 years in Beverly Hills, it’s like you’ve been married 100 years anywhere else.”

 

What do you get when you mix 1 part snide comments about Lyme Disease, 1 part alter ego that intimidates everyone and 1 part Faye Resnick? The plot for every single episode this season of Housewives. Seriously can these ladies talk about/do anything else? Oh yeah, they can dress up like “Moulin Rouge” to celebrate their long-lasting marriages, and then talk about the three aforementioned topics at said party.

But before all that, it’s raining in BH because Kyle invited Faye to her BBQ and didn’t warn Lisa beforehand. Don’t question Lisa’s superpowers. She hates Faye no matter what and also now controls Kyle’s sugar intake. (It’s probably for the best.) Lisa compares Kyle inviting Faye to if she invited “Witchy-Poo.” Apparently that’s the adorbs nickname for Carlton. In case you don’t remember Carlton, she was a real sexual Wiccan and just about everyone hated her except for Brandi (who everyone also hates.) Kyle and Lisa passively aggressively fight about it but all is forgotten once they need to pick a locale for their joint anniversary party. Who has a joint anniversary party? Will Mauricio even show up or will it be Ken and the ladiez as always?

As the girls plan their party around slutty costumes, Lisa tries to swipe Kyle’s phone and we all learn that Kyle is a dirt friend. I’ve never seen a person scramble faster to rip that phone back. You know when your Bluetooth is hooked up in the car and a friend calls you, you have to announce that they’re on speakerphone so they don’t talk shit about the person you’re with? No? Just me. Well this was worse. We know Kyle doesn’t have nudes on there. Just shit-talking texts.

Rinna visits Erika to S her D and get a thirsty ass tour of her monstrosity of a house. She has A CHAPEL. ERIKA JAYNE…the HOOCHIE WHO SPEWS CLUB MUSIC IN A SHEER CATSUIT…HAS A CHURCH IN HER HOUSE. And a library, I assume for her husband. But really, back to the church, she got it because she likes to collect religious art. See a kewl portrait of Jesus? Why don’t you just erect a steeple in your home so you have somewhere to hang it? After Rinna gawks and talks about how that’s SO Pasadena of her (whatever that means) Erika takes some voice lessons where she just plays with her tongue and stuff.

New gal pal Kathryn cooks for her husband and he barks out requests for ingredients. It’s far too possible we have another David Foster on our hands. Except much younger, and more handsome, and probably cooler. The two of them hit the gym together, which is just so cute it makes me want to ralph all over them and their gossip weightlifting sesh.

Rinna goes over to Yo’s house to drag on this dumb AF storyline about the one time she used Wikipedia to look up Munchausen’s disease. Rather than apologizing for believing a website that anyone can contribute to, she says she feels like the worst person in the world for “engaging” or whatever buzzword we’re using to avoid saying that she talked smack. Yolanda replied with, “I’ve never heard of Munch-hausen-schmausen’s disease.” It’s even funnier than when she didn’t know how to pronounce cunninglingus last season. Yolanda is cute as pie and PS new revelation: Rinna has vagina armpits.

The event of the hour finally arrives and boy is it an eyeful. All the women treat the Moulin Rouge party like Halloween in college and make sure their T’s and A’s are fully on display. Kyle the most, obviously. Definitely not uncomfy at all to see her modeling the cleavage baring corset for her toddler. At the actual party, her high school age daughter shows up wearing a similar get up. Could we maybe leave the kids out of this?

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Newbie’s Kathryn and Erika bond, if by bonding you mean one scolding the other for her potty mouth. Kathryn doesn’t love a good C U Next Tuesday and Erika does. Erika promises not to say it anymore around her after she gets verbally badgered that she’s too pretty for swears. Hey, Kathryn, I’m pretty too and a well-placed F bomb will always be funny. Have fun censoring yourself around Kathryn, everyone. It’ll be like hanging out with your parents.

BTW if I ever saw my parents attend a party like this I’d try to pluck my eyeballs out. Kyle does 15 splits because of course, and her nipples almost fall directly onto the floor. She also takes Mauricio’s D for a ride on the dance floor. Hope Alexia and her teen squad had blindfolds on for that number. Camille sashays around the dance floor like she doesn’t have a care in the world. To be clear she pretty much doesn’t because she still gets a Bravo paycheck but no one hates her for brawling on TV anymore. Drink every time one of the women refers to themselves as hookers. Whoops I’m dead.

As if Faye isn’t enough of a hot button topic (because Lisa didn’t even a little bit want her invited), Kathryn airs her grievances for the morally corrupt author. Kyle flies off the handle…probably because she hadn’t touched her vag to the floor in a minute and is all NOBODY talks shit about my bitch friend at my party full of Moulin Rouge hoes! Kyle and Lisa bicker about Faye and taking Kathryn’s side I think? I couldn’t really focus because the ghost of Taylor Armstrong showed up. No literally, did she mix up Moulin Rouge with Zombie Ghoul? She floats up mid-conversation then just stares at both of them and eavesdrops on their argument. The episode abruptly ends with a flashback to Brandi slapping Lisa. Hmm..

Most importantly, Rinna keeps her hair in a mom choppy bob because she wants her husband to F her. End of discussion.

PS This was a C+ recap because I’m still thinking of The People Vs. OJ Simpson and how Connie Britton delivering 4 lines as Faye Resnick was one thousand times more entertaining than the real Faye Resnick. And this entire season.

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Busted BBQ”

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We are in full swing with another new girl (she finally has an intro!!) and then Bravo slaps us right in the face by making appearances by that trashmonster Faye a regular occurrence. But first, let’s watch Lisa walk around a sex shop and act like she’s never seen a whip or dildo before!

Then we get to know the new bitch in town. Kathryn is a full cast member now, which means that she gets a double entendre intro about banging football players and we get to learn about how she would never be caught dead in business class. Although, when she reveals she flies first class, doesn’t she realize HOW POOR SHE SOUNDS? Srsly, Kathryn, you don’t have a private jet? Erika Girardi does and she was once a cocktail waitress, not an international supermodel, step up ya game girl. Anyway, Kath is just your average midwestern gal with a private jeweler. I can also take comfort in the fact that neither her nor her football hunk of a husband ever have to work again for the rest of their lives. As I huddled near the fireplace for body heat and my mom sorted through boxes in preparation of moving for the 50th time we both looked at each other and said: same. Work is for schmucks.

Later on, we see Kathryn and Rinna do breakfast to talk about their plastic surgery and how they virtually know nothing about each other but are pretending to be long lost friends for the sake of the show. And Rinna says she’s an actress…My favorite line of hers in this scene is when she unconvincingly tells Kathryn that she remembered really liking her. That was worse than when I run into someone from high school I never spoke to and we play the “let’s catch up sometime” game. Next time I’ll add at the end, “I kind of remember you being funny once in study hall?”

On a more serious note, this episode features some more somber storylines for Eileen. You know, things that are probably too emosh to be included on this vapid show where a woman in a floor length gown hosts a BBQ catered by professional chefs. Eileen packs her sister’s ashes in a Ziploc baggie and gets ready to leave for the family trip to Rome. Do ashes pass through customs? Just wondering. More importantly…why aren’t we seeing more of her babelicious stepsons?!

Okay so anyway, Kyle is throwing a party just so she can gather Faye and Kathryn in a small space and watch sparks fly. She’s calling it a BBQ but we soon learn that she’s shitting all over the great ‘Merican tradition of hotdogs and bud lattes in a backyard. Yolanda shows up in a poncho, leggings and flip flops (typical backyard hangout garb) and is greeted by Kyle in her Oscars red carpet finest. How anyone puts up with Kyle as a friend baffles me. Kyle is the friend that tells everyone not to exchange gifts at Christmas and then spends $500 on each of her friends. She’s the girl who says she just rolled out of bed and then shows up to grab coffee in a romper and wedges. Kyle is a turd. And Faye is turd 2.0 as she also shows up dressed for a charity brunch. Both Rinna and Erika get bonus points for wearing normal summer cookout outfits and Erika steals my heart again when she’s like where da grill at? Seriously, Kyle. You should be kicked out of this country. Don’t ever trap a lady under the premise of wieners and then deliver caviar. They’re not the same.

Kyle continues her hot streak as worst friend ever when she makes a very awkward intro between Faye and Kathryn. Especially since they’ve both clearly expressed they don’t want to be meet each other. Kathryn immediately stares at the ground and starts babbling about neon heels with Erika. No one has much time to dwell in the uncomfies because the goddess that is Camille Grammar struts in and she has some fiery pink tresses. Could she be more fabulous? Why is she not a cast member anymore?

Kathryn and Yolanda talk about how they were once the two most beautiful models in the world an then Yo is outtie five thou because she had her boobs ripped from her body like five minutes ago and probably isn’t real into socializing at a fake BBQ at the mo’. Naturally as soon as Yo leaves all the girls get catty AF with her illness being fake again. The newest revelation is that Muhammed says the kids don’t have Lyme Disease. Lisa brings it up to the table full of gossiping betches and then tries to shut it down and says it’s no one’s business. Erika stands firmly on Team Yolanda. Did I mention how much I love that ole bag of sparkles?

Back to Faye, the shittiest dinner party guest on this earth (including the fake hypnotist who smoked e-ciggs.) If you’ll recall she was a real dirtbag to Lisa like 4 years ago and Lisa DOESN’T FORGET! Rinna takes the opportunity to throw Lisa right under the bus and make the two hash out their issues. Faye tiptoes out of that conflict and steps right in a steaming pile of OJ Drama.

Kathryn gets a few glasses of rosé in her and suddenly she’s singing like a bird about how much she hates Faye. Minor detail: she’s never actually read what Faye wrote about her in the OJ tell-all. Not a great start to a feud, especially with that snake. Regardless, she takes off her hoops and revs up for a brawl with a little Brooklyn (?) accented “Don’t act like you KNOW me.” As soon as Faye returns to the table, she pounces. Faye sits back stroking her arm, lights a pipe and purrs, “do you feel better?” Faye fakely apologizes for anything she’s done to offend anyone (she’s offended every single person at that table) But worry not, because there is no conflict that cannot be solved with empty compliments. Kyle tells Faye that she’s a great girlfriend, then round robin style, Faye gives a warm fuzzy to Kathryn by saying she looks beautiful. Okay everyone has said something nice about one another, so the conflict has been resolved! If we’re being honest, I could’ve used less of Faye choking out compliments and more lively dinner conversation about who’s posed in Playboy. Mostly because we got the dime of all flashbacks to the OG dinner party and “THE MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK!” God, I miss Camille in her prime.

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Going Deep”

 

bethennyerika

Hey, hey, hey, we’re still in the Hamptons and everyone’s gotten over fangirling all up on Erika Jayne so now I’m bored. Last night’s final event of the trip is the opening of a pop-up shop for Kyle’s “Forever 21 for 50 Year Olds Trying Too Hard.” Seriously, do you see the fitted hats with glitter words in the above picture? Three of the girls wear pink to the event and Lisa almost rips their dresses right off them upon her arrival. Bethenny is still lurking around the wrong show and approaches Erika to apologize but not really apologize. Erika’s like we Gucci, I don’t concern myself with your opinions. Then we get into the juicy biz of gossip because not an episode goes by without a side conversation about Kim Richards that gives Kyle the uncomfies. Rinna thinks it would be approps to revisit last year’s feud with Kim so that she can declare that she caused Kim’s addiction and downward spiral. Oh, Rinna. Stop making everyone else’s problems about you. Kyle sneaks up on the group as they’re making her family’s deep-rooted issues about themselves and everyone gets REAL nervous. It’s like when you were in high school and your parents walk in on you and your friends talking about whose getting alcohol for your basement drinking on Friday night and instead of covering it up everyone just turns and stares at them, looking guilty. Surprisingly, Kyle handles it well and instead of losing her shit she shouts LET’S DRINK TO NOT CARING ABOUT KIM! WOOHOOOOO HAMPTONS.

The ladies all purchase their age inappropriate crop tops and booty shorts and then head back to Kyle’s for a dinner party. Obviously housewives can’t eat dinner without a little drama. Eileen and Lisa start yapping about their dumb disagreement over asking too many questions or whatever and Ken, WHO DOES NOT HAVE A G-D LIFE OUTSIDE OF FOLLOWING LISA AROUND, butts in and demands to know what Eileen’s talking to HIS WIFE about. Look, I can’t shit on Ken enough this season. It’s getting sad. He needs to find friends and stop attending all-female events and involving himself in bitch fights while Giggy sits on his lap. If he ever had a man card, it’s been set on fire this season.

Anyway, the conversation spins back to feuds past—so Erika can get caught up on all the shit she definitely already knows about. And while Kyle is addressing her demons with Kim’s addiction, Rinna tells us in her confessional, “Kyle’s sister is getting arrested left and right and it’s affecting me deeply.” Oh, it is, Rinna? Poor you. (I’m salivating over Kyle sinking her teeth into that sound byte at the reunion.)

Once the girls have politely sniffed at their lobster, Kyle feels like it’s an opportune time to play round robin of “what keeps you up at night?” I guess this is better than charades or whatever it was that ended with the girls calling each other slut pigs, but it doesn’t seem like it will go well at all. Lisa’s like, I don’t have any problems, tralala. And then…dare I say it. I laughed out loud at something Kyle said. She comes out of left field with the zing of the century for Lisa when she says; “Your biggest problem can’t be getting a mini pony onto a private plane.” Everyone’s shitting on Lisa for her first world problems and Eileen is like hey everyone I’ve been abused. Yikes, Eileen. Read the room. We rebound quickly from the heavy when Kyle is all, okay not to be selfish but… HAHAHA Kyle’s got jokes tonight. Seriously, she was on FIRE!

In other boring news, Erika cruises on over to Ohio in her private plane with shitty chamomile tea bags to pick up Yolanda after her surgery. We have to look at her disgusting implant photos again. Ralph city. And also, Faye Resnick is back. She’s here to design Kyle’s new closet the size of my apt and give unsolicited family advice. I wish Connie Britton played Faye Resnick in real life too.

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Next up—the Hero Dog Awards, where celebrities match their toy dog to their outfit and carry it around Pump with a cocktail. This party WOULD have been boring, had we not met the next newbie in the crew. I thought the day would never come, I mean she doesn’t even have a mildly offensive and definitely narcissistic tagline in the opening credits. If she did, maybe it would say that she’s introduced as Rinna’s friend, but Rinna clearly knows nothing about her. Not five seconds after Rinna’s like omg Kathryn I can’t believe it’s you; she brings up the most infamous celebrity murder in the past 30 years. You know, typical catching up chitchat. Apparently Kathryn was married to Marcus (OJ’s BFF, and possible sexual partner of Nicole Brown-Simpson) at the height of the whole thang. Rinna makes it no secret that the only things she knows about Kathryn she probably read in Faye Resnick’s memoir and therefore I’m guessing Kathryn’s title as “Rinna’s friend” is preeetttyyy loosey goosey.

kathryn

Looking to make this staged run-in more awkward? Look no further than Eileen who gets a case of the nervy word vomits and goes Hi Kathryn nice to meet you; I dated your ex-husband once. And we’re off! To a great start with Kathryn-no one knows her last name. Once Kyle brings Faye into things, it becomes very clear that maybe we should leave discussion of murder off the Real Housewives. The Kardashians are already involved in OJ. Let’s leave well enough alone, shall we ladies? We’ve boatloads of drama without involving an infamous homicide. JK we’re going to milk it for this season’s drama clearly because next week is Faye Vs. Kathryn to hash out 20-year-old beef. I do know one thing though. OJ’s been laying heavy on Rinna’s life and that’s definitely something we need to consider and console her for.

kathrynrhobh

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