Tag Archives: reality show

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Backwards in Heels”

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“I feel like if you’ve been married for 20 years in Beverly Hills, it’s like you’ve been married 100 years anywhere else.”

 

What do you get when you mix 1 part snide comments about Lyme Disease, 1 part alter ego that intimidates everyone and 1 part Faye Resnick? The plot for every single episode this season of Housewives. Seriously can these ladies talk about/do anything else? Oh yeah, they can dress up like “Moulin Rouge” to celebrate their long-lasting marriages, and then talk about the three aforementioned topics at said party.

But before all that, it’s raining in BH because Kyle invited Faye to her BBQ and didn’t warn Lisa beforehand. Don’t question Lisa’s superpowers. She hates Faye no matter what and also now controls Kyle’s sugar intake. (It’s probably for the best.) Lisa compares Kyle inviting Faye to if she invited “Witchy-Poo.” Apparently that’s the adorbs nickname for Carlton. In case you don’t remember Carlton, she was a real sexual Wiccan and just about everyone hated her except for Brandi (who everyone also hates.) Kyle and Lisa passively aggressively fight about it but all is forgotten once they need to pick a locale for their joint anniversary party. Who has a joint anniversary party? Will Mauricio even show up or will it be Ken and the ladiez as always?

As the girls plan their party around slutty costumes, Lisa tries to swipe Kyle’s phone and we all learn that Kyle is a dirt friend. I’ve never seen a person scramble faster to rip that phone back. You know when your Bluetooth is hooked up in the car and a friend calls you, you have to announce that they’re on speakerphone so they don’t talk shit about the person you’re with? No? Just me. Well this was worse. We know Kyle doesn’t have nudes on there. Just shit-talking texts.

Rinna visits Erika to S her D and get a thirsty ass tour of her monstrosity of a house. She has A CHAPEL. ERIKA JAYNE…the HOOCHIE WHO SPEWS CLUB MUSIC IN A SHEER CATSUIT…HAS A CHURCH IN HER HOUSE. And a library, I assume for her husband. But really, back to the church, she got it because she likes to collect religious art. See a kewl portrait of Jesus? Why don’t you just erect a steeple in your home so you have somewhere to hang it? After Rinna gawks and talks about how that’s SO Pasadena of her (whatever that means) Erika takes some voice lessons where she just plays with her tongue and stuff.

New gal pal Kathryn cooks for her husband and he barks out requests for ingredients. It’s far too possible we have another David Foster on our hands. Except much younger, and more handsome, and probably cooler. The two of them hit the gym together, which is just so cute it makes me want to ralph all over them and their gossip weightlifting sesh.

Rinna goes over to Yo’s house to drag on this dumb AF storyline about the one time she used Wikipedia to look up Munchausen’s disease. Rather than apologizing for believing a website that anyone can contribute to, she says she feels like the worst person in the world for “engaging” or whatever buzzword we’re using to avoid saying that she talked smack. Yolanda replied with, “I’ve never heard of Munch-hausen-schmausen’s disease.” It’s even funnier than when she didn’t know how to pronounce cunninglingus last season. Yolanda is cute as pie and PS new revelation: Rinna has vagina armpits.

The event of the hour finally arrives and boy is it an eyeful. All the women treat the Moulin Rouge party like Halloween in college and make sure their T’s and A’s are fully on display. Kyle the most, obviously. Definitely not uncomfy at all to see her modeling the cleavage baring corset for her toddler. At the actual party, her high school age daughter shows up wearing a similar get up. Could we maybe leave the kids out of this?

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Newbie’s Kathryn and Erika bond, if by bonding you mean one scolding the other for her potty mouth. Kathryn doesn’t love a good C U Next Tuesday and Erika does. Erika promises not to say it anymore around her after she gets verbally badgered that she’s too pretty for swears. Hey, Kathryn, I’m pretty too and a well-placed F bomb will always be funny. Have fun censoring yourself around Kathryn, everyone. It’ll be like hanging out with your parents.

BTW if I ever saw my parents attend a party like this I’d try to pluck my eyeballs out. Kyle does 15 splits because of course, and her nipples almost fall directly onto the floor. She also takes Mauricio’s D for a ride on the dance floor. Hope Alexia and her teen squad had blindfolds on for that number. Camille sashays around the dance floor like she doesn’t have a care in the world. To be clear she pretty much doesn’t because she still gets a Bravo paycheck but no one hates her for brawling on TV anymore. Drink every time one of the women refers to themselves as hookers. Whoops I’m dead.

As if Faye isn’t enough of a hot button topic (because Lisa didn’t even a little bit want her invited), Kathryn airs her grievances for the morally corrupt author. Kyle flies off the handle…probably because she hadn’t touched her vag to the floor in a minute and is all NOBODY talks shit about my bitch friend at my party full of Moulin Rouge hoes! Kyle and Lisa bicker about Faye and taking Kathryn’s side I think? I couldn’t really focus because the ghost of Taylor Armstrong showed up. No literally, did she mix up Moulin Rouge with Zombie Ghoul? She floats up mid-conversation then just stares at both of them and eavesdrops on their argument. The episode abruptly ends with a flashback to Brandi slapping Lisa. Hmm..

Most importantly, Rinna keeps her hair in a mom choppy bob because she wants her husband to F her. End of discussion.

PS This was a C+ recap because I’m still thinking of The People Vs. OJ Simpson and how Connie Britton delivering 4 lines as Faye Resnick was one thousand times more entertaining than the real Faye Resnick. And this entire season.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Como se dice: Taste My Taco

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This week is MEXICO CITY, and on the plane the girls all shout at the camera and point because they were told to ad lib and they didn’t know what that meant. When they arrive at the Four Seasons, they cheers to finding love in Mexico and NOT dysentery from drinking the water.

“Let’s put all our eggs in one basket” with Amanda

Ben rolls into their hotel at 430AM gets in everyone’s sleeping grill piece and learns that the majority of his ladies in waiting look like garbage cans when they wake up. This life lesson is required of The Bachelor–an obligatory early morning drop-by to learn which ladies sleep in pink lipstick and glitter eye shadow, membs Britt? Leah is mortified that “her boyfriend” is seeing her like this. Who’s Leah? We may never know. Lauren H. has a retainer in and someone left their weave laying on the nightstand looking like a dead ferret. I’m not saying that I wake up looking like a dime piece, but I definitely don’t leave chunks of hair within reach of my slumber.

Not surprisingly, the only girl who looks picture ready is Amanda and she’s the one getting whisked away. Talk about a rough wake up call. Hey everyone, you look like monsters, I’m taking Amanda only, no need to take your slimy hardware out of your mouth. Seriously, put that thing back in your mouth. It’s a cesspool. PUT IT BACK IN YOUR MOUTH!

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Amanda and Ben go on a hot air balloon ride and picnic in a random field, obv. At night, Ben does his typical deep probing interview process and Amanda tells him how her ex-husband sucked. Ben is in shock that a guy wouldn’t “wrap her and her children up.” That was a real sentence he said. Wrap them up in what, Ben? Do tell. Amanda reassures Ben that she shouldn’t be tossed aside because she’s already taken the marriage thing for a spin; in fact, marriage is more special to her now. Oh, honey. You obviously haven’t seen the outcome of The Bachelor…you don’t need to be serious about marriage to get the proposal at the end. Just pretend long enough for the press tour afterward and then you can both move on with your separate blogging careers and DWTS appearances. Anyway, Ben is like thank you for opening up here’s a rose, date’s over. Let’s not talk about me. Do any of these girls know a thing about him? Why is he such an interrogator on dates? Has he ever held a champagne flute before? All questions that demand to be answered.

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“Como se dice…the way to a man’s heart” with Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

WHAT a crew to learn basic Spanish in front of my very judgmental eyes. It’s possible that I’ll take it easy on them because I had a very Bachelor-contestant-esque moment last evening when I questioned if Mexico City was actually in Mexico. Turns out it is, and also I’m a moron. At least I’m really pretty. You don’t need to be both smart and pretty in this world, so I’m told. Case in point, the girls butcher learn how to say “I’m falling in love with you” and “I’m going to kiss you now” in espanol, because that’s VITAL for reading recipes in another language. It’s rough, but not as rough as Emily admitting she has no cooking skills or language skills and orders tres churros. (How do you think she pronounces Haitians?) SHE’S ONLY GOOD AT TALKING IN UNISON GUYS, CUT HER A BREAK! Jubilee turns into a jelly belly during the high school class sesh and sasses Ben back in English. The girls look on in horror. NOBODY talks back to their boyfriend. She gonn’ learn. (Really, though.)

At the market, Olivia snags Ben for her team and Jubilee tries a little threesome action, she’s quickly swatted away. It only takes two to romantically feed each other crickets. Everyone looks on with dagger eyes. Leftover Twin harps on Olivia’s dragon breath again like a real catty ass bitch who doesn’t know how to do anything but be a twin and apparently bark about someone else’s halitosis. JoJo is really excited for the chef to taste her taco. She knows her taco tastes really good and she just WANTS SOMEONE TO EAT IT. EAT JOJO’S TACO, DAMNIT. Jubilee takes the W for best fish, by herself, I guess? She’s taking all the credit and I’m wondering if she even had a partner other than her misery and potent jealousy in this competition.

At drinks later, the stealing is off to a hot start when Olivia cuts him off mid-sentence for a mediocre conversation about their meal that looked so gross the chefs talked about it in their native language like the Asians do at the nail salon when they see how gross someone’s feet are. Remember Jen and her big T’s from week one? She’s back in action this episode with a few lines. I start to think, Good for Jen! Coming back into the game. Then she says, “Once I commit to someone they’ll have my heart and soul forever.” HEAVY re-intro from Jen. Lauren B. is wearing gloriously white crop coords that I’m guessing only look good on little petite size 0 nuggets. She’s rewarded for looking like a dime with a severe tongue inspection from Ben to the symphony of church bells. He sees angels, or ripping that white skirt off Lauren B. Either one. Jubilee gets some QT with Ben to whine about her life and how hard it is to date him and constantly be such a raging B when he’s trying to be nice to her. She rips her hand out of his. He should’ve hip-checked her to the curb right then. Ben asks Jubz, straight up now tell me, do you wanna be with me? Jubilee has the BaLLZ to reply, “I want you to tell me that you want to be with me.” BAIIIIII. I was once on Team Jubilee when dem hoes (AMBER) were after her but she dug her own grave here. JoJo steals Ben hot off the Jubilee sendoff and looks like a real dick. Ben glares at her then makes out with her. Olivia gets a rose cause they “reconnected.” Although, according to Olivia and her magical imaginary touches from Ben, they never really un-connected. A leg push ALWAYS means something ladies, never forget.

Mexican Fash Week with Lauren H.

Lauren H. is JUST a teacher who has an ambiguous maybe Midwestern, maybe southern accent and dutifully wears her retainers. Golly gee, how could she ever end up on a catwalk during fashion week? Answer: because at Mexico fashion week, the clothes are made with good ole-fashioned spin-art.

Lauren H. asks everyone how long they’ve modeled, says she’s super nervous then proves to all those bitches who’ve been at it for 4 years that anyone can walk a runway. (And probably have a diet consisting of more than cotton balls with duck sauce.) Later on, Ben asks her to reveal her life story and we learn that you can’t make it on the Bachelor unless you have a carousel full of emosh relationship baggage trailing behind you. Lauren H. one ups Amanda’s ex-husband story with a tale of a boyfriend she dated for 4 years, moved across the country for, and found out he was side-piecing 3 other chicks, one of them being…HER FRIEND. That’s some real Days of Our Lives shit right there. She has decided to always choose happiness and that’s why she’s so bubbly and carefree and into smooching puppets. Don’t ever gloss over the fact that she put her lips on a puppet last week. Ben <3’s that about her and gives her a rose.

Cocktails

This episode was really boring and I was truly hoping we would get a fiery fight in our cocktail hour and instead we got one-part twin tears and one-part MTV insults. But first, Lauren B. wants to tell Ben things are getting pretty serious so she lets him know that she can see a life, but not just a life, like a LIFE life with him. Okay, Lauren B. time to lay off the vino. She also tells him it’s terrifying. So that’s comforting.

Not as comforting as Olivia informing Amanda that her life sounds like a Teen Mom episode. Amanda stands her ground, good for her and fires back at Olivia that she had a kid when she was 22. To be fair, the Teen Mom OG crew is around that age and on their second kid, SO THERE. She also adds on that Olivia reminds her of Snooki because she’s a hot mess. MTV sits back in their executive chairs over Times Square and gleefully rubs their hands together. Two original show name drops in one night. Why even buy advertising? Leftover Twin cries about Olivia being disrespectful and decides to air her grievances to Ben, AKA suicide mission. That’s bold of her but also not that bold because she would’ve been gone next week anyway. Olivia comes out of nowhere to pounce probably because a producer tipped her off to the blood. Olivia gives Ben a ring while Leftover Twin calls Dumped Twin to cry waterfalls about how Olivia is rude and stuff. Ben calls each witness to the stand to say something shitty about Olivia and there’s certainly no shortage of bitchy comments in that department. The Hoover dam has been opened and it’s flowing out of Olivia’s open mouth. Will Ben take backsies on that rose or will he continue to have the spine of a jellyfish and keep her around to terrorize the others behind his back? I think we all know the answer.

To be continued…

 

 

 

 

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Busted BBQ”

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We are in full swing with another new girl (she finally has an intro!!) and then Bravo slaps us right in the face by making appearances by that trashmonster Faye a regular occurrence. But first, let’s watch Lisa walk around a sex shop and act like she’s never seen a whip or dildo before!

Then we get to know the new bitch in town. Kathryn is a full cast member now, which means that she gets a double entendre intro about banging football players and we get to learn about how she would never be caught dead in business class. Although, when she reveals she flies first class, doesn’t she realize HOW POOR SHE SOUNDS? Srsly, Kathryn, you don’t have a private jet? Erika Girardi does and she was once a cocktail waitress, not an international supermodel, step up ya game girl. Anyway, Kath is just your average midwestern gal with a private jeweler. I can also take comfort in the fact that neither her nor her football hunk of a husband ever have to work again for the rest of their lives. As I huddled near the fireplace for body heat and my mom sorted through boxes in preparation of moving for the 50th time we both looked at each other and said: same. Work is for schmucks.

Later on, we see Kathryn and Rinna do breakfast to talk about their plastic surgery and how they virtually know nothing about each other but are pretending to be long lost friends for the sake of the show. And Rinna says she’s an actress…My favorite line of hers in this scene is when she unconvincingly tells Kathryn that she remembered really liking her. That was worse than when I run into someone from high school I never spoke to and we play the “let’s catch up sometime” game. Next time I’ll add at the end, “I kind of remember you being funny once in study hall?”

On a more serious note, this episode features some more somber storylines for Eileen. You know, things that are probably too emosh to be included on this vapid show where a woman in a floor length gown hosts a BBQ catered by professional chefs. Eileen packs her sister’s ashes in a Ziploc baggie and gets ready to leave for the family trip to Rome. Do ashes pass through customs? Just wondering. More importantly…why aren’t we seeing more of her babelicious stepsons?!

Okay so anyway, Kyle is throwing a party just so she can gather Faye and Kathryn in a small space and watch sparks fly. She’s calling it a BBQ but we soon learn that she’s shitting all over the great ‘Merican tradition of hotdogs and bud lattes in a backyard. Yolanda shows up in a poncho, leggings and flip flops (typical backyard hangout garb) and is greeted by Kyle in her Oscars red carpet finest. How anyone puts up with Kyle as a friend baffles me. Kyle is the friend that tells everyone not to exchange gifts at Christmas and then spends $500 on each of her friends. She’s the girl who says she just rolled out of bed and then shows up to grab coffee in a romper and wedges. Kyle is a turd. And Faye is turd 2.0 as she also shows up dressed for a charity brunch. Both Rinna and Erika get bonus points for wearing normal summer cookout outfits and Erika steals my heart again when she’s like where da grill at? Seriously, Kyle. You should be kicked out of this country. Don’t ever trap a lady under the premise of wieners and then deliver caviar. They’re not the same.

Kyle continues her hot streak as worst friend ever when she makes a very awkward intro between Faye and Kathryn. Especially since they’ve both clearly expressed they don’t want to be meet each other. Kathryn immediately stares at the ground and starts babbling about neon heels with Erika. No one has much time to dwell in the uncomfies because the goddess that is Camille Grammar struts in and she has some fiery pink tresses. Could she be more fabulous? Why is she not a cast member anymore?

Kathryn and Yolanda talk about how they were once the two most beautiful models in the world an then Yo is outtie five thou because she had her boobs ripped from her body like five minutes ago and probably isn’t real into socializing at a fake BBQ at the mo’. Naturally as soon as Yo leaves all the girls get catty AF with her illness being fake again. The newest revelation is that Muhammed says the kids don’t have Lyme Disease. Lisa brings it up to the table full of gossiping betches and then tries to shut it down and says it’s no one’s business. Erika stands firmly on Team Yolanda. Did I mention how much I love that ole bag of sparkles?

Back to Faye, the shittiest dinner party guest on this earth (including the fake hypnotist who smoked e-ciggs.) If you’ll recall she was a real dirtbag to Lisa like 4 years ago and Lisa DOESN’T FORGET! Rinna takes the opportunity to throw Lisa right under the bus and make the two hash out their issues. Faye tiptoes out of that conflict and steps right in a steaming pile of OJ Drama.

Kathryn gets a few glasses of rosé in her and suddenly she’s singing like a bird about how much she hates Faye. Minor detail: she’s never actually read what Faye wrote about her in the OJ tell-all. Not a great start to a feud, especially with that snake. Regardless, she takes off her hoops and revs up for a brawl with a little Brooklyn (?) accented “Don’t act like you KNOW me.” As soon as Faye returns to the table, she pounces. Faye sits back stroking her arm, lights a pipe and purrs, “do you feel better?” Faye fakely apologizes for anything she’s done to offend anyone (she’s offended every single person at that table) But worry not, because there is no conflict that cannot be solved with empty compliments. Kyle tells Faye that she’s a great girlfriend, then round robin style, Faye gives a warm fuzzy to Kathryn by saying she looks beautiful. Okay everyone has said something nice about one another, so the conflict has been resolved! If we’re being honest, I could’ve used less of Faye choking out compliments and more lively dinner conversation about who’s posed in Playboy. Mostly because we got the dime of all flashbacks to the OG dinner party and “THE MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK!” God, I miss Camille in her prime.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor-Viva Las Idiots

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“Olivia’s talent seems to be popping out of a cake and into the other girls’ nightmares.”-Chris Harrison

Snaps for this season of the Bachelor already giving Ben a bigger travel budget than Kaitlyn had. Have at it, feminists, because we’re on week 4 and the group is already hitting Vegas, with a trip to Mexico on deck for next week. Kaitlyn’s season couldn’t even afford home visits….so0oo0…

Speaking of hometowns, the twins are ecstatic about Ben visiting their native land before he even knows which one is which. They can’t wait to show him the Eiffel Tower and Tombs of Pharaoh. Maybe they’ll even dip into Caesar’s Palace and Twin 1 will tell him that the real Caesar lived there. Olivia just wants to see Celine. Same girl, Same.

 

“You Set My Heart on Fire” with JoJo

Shocker, their date is a helicopter ride, since it’s following my previously outlined date-with-Ben algorithm. SUUPER original. Except this time he sets up a table with champs just for the helicopter to blow it over and force him and JoJo to duck behind it for cover. Later on, JoJo apparently is sad she’s had a failed relationship. In other news JoJo is really boring and breaking up with a guy after a year isn’t the most dramatic thing we’ve ever heard. I mean a mere week ago we learned about someone’s entire family dying. Kick it into perspective, girlfrand. Anyway, there are fireworks and sloppy kisses and Olivia hears a few crackles in the sky and almost sniffs them out to prevent someone else’s relationship from advancing ahead of hers.

Talentless Hacks with Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H., Jennifer, Rachel, Olivia, Amanda, Lauren B., Jubilee

Nothing says VEGAS quite like a shitty ventriloquist that a few of the girls pretend to know. This ventriloquist would have been the worst act to ever grace Vegas, if it wasn’t for Olivia and her cabaret number. Bless Lauren B. for speaking for every girl on this show and admitting, “I have no talent. I have 0 talent.” I wonder if that’s a tagline used in the casting call for each season? It seems fitting. Even though Ben has requested everyone to unearth their deepest special talents, some are better than others at admitting they’re dust when it comes to the talent department. I’m looking at you Lauren H. Singing “Old McDonald Had A Farm” and spelling out the word rose in a chicken suit does not a talent make. Someone was on Lauren H’s side though because despite that being REAL embarrassing, she really dodged a bullet when a producer talked Olivia into going for whatever she was trying to go for there.

Enter: the worst stripper you could ever hire. Olivia clamors those honking ankles of hers out of a cake and clunks over the edge. Once her hooves hit the ground she then breaks into an awkward shimmy, kick, spectacle and the crowd is really feeling it.

JK her performance makes everyone in this world uncomfy, including Ben. Since Olivia is really confident in herself and never gets embarrassed, it’s surprising to see that she immediately is mortified and has channeled that into a 5 star panic attack. SERIOUSLY GUYS GET THE CAMERAS AWAY FROM HER!! SHE HATES ATTENTION!

At the evening portion of the most embarrassing televised moment of Olivia’s life—please keep in mind this is the same girl whose jaw at one point extended from the top of my TV screen to the bottom—Caila is commended for being a sex panther. Show’s over, Olivia. You’re the anti-sexy and Ben just compared another woman to a wildcat in the sheets. There’s a sidebar of Ben and Lauren H. hanging out with a puppet. It’s sad that Lauren H. thinks five minutes with Ben and a dummy counts as a real date. I almost shed a tear for her. Then she kisses the puppet and she ain’t worth my pity tears. Olivia finally gets her moment to shine (ask Ben if her performance was a boner kill) and Ben’s like, “it wasn’t thaaattt…”CUE THE TWIN-INTERRUPTUS. As the ladies know, you can’t keep an Olivia down and she comes back with an awkward jig and a vengeance. She can’t go to bed without a smooch from Ben. So she forces him to kiss her by leaning in with her lips out and staring at him with the crazy eyes. Lauren B. gets the rose.

 

“Get Dressed it’s a Big Day” with Becca

Becca gets a wedding dress hand-delivered so that all the other girls can shit themselves and make aggressive jokes about her virginity. Cause girls build each other up and stuff. On the date, they marry OTHER people in a tacky Vegas chapel. By that I mean Ben marries other people and Becca watches with an encouraging smile. Ben tries to make other people’s marriages all about him and his newly online ordained skillset and not to raise any unnecessary red flags…but Ben and Becca are definitely witnesses to a very creepy mail order bride sitch, but that’s neither here nor there.

BECCA, BEN HIGGINS

Later, Ben takes Becca to a junkyard with neon signs, but like it has grants and stuff. So it’s educational? I don’t know. I guess I would rather he stick to the aviation + unknown singer formula. He addresses how casj Becca was that Chris Soules ALMOST PROPOSED TO HER and she’s like eh I’m over it, round 2 baby. JK Becca is more mature now and knows she doesn’t want a fake farmer with pit stains. Between you and me, I’ve got odds on Becca to run train on this thing. The season that is, not Ben. Obviously. They discuss the elephant in the room that all of America already knows Becca is a virgin because she was dubbed THA VIRGIN of last season. Ben giggles that he’s the opposite of a virgin. I bet Becca’s never heard that one before. They both agree their faith is strong enough to not bone before marriage.

 

SURPRISE! Twinning at Home

IN A SHOCKING TWIST—Ben wants to do a 2-on-1 AND hometown date with the twinz. So basically, Ben is forced to prove that he still doesn’t know which twin is which. One of the twins (Haley?) is embarrassed that her bedroom at home (where she still lives because she’s fresh outta college) is littered with pics of her and her ex boyf. I’m embarrassed by the amount of Pink body mists she owns. My watching partner of the evening roots for Ben to end up with the mom, mostly because he thinks the twins are uggo. Instead, Ben kicks the girl (Haley?) who’s hung up on her ex-bf to the curb. Emily’s really proud of her sister for being so strong, especially since she basically told Ben to cut the dead weight of her own flesh and blood. Also we can go ahead and QUIT IT with the twins telling him he needs to treat them as individuals. RLY?

Also, related but unrelated- shout out to my best roomie Den, who put up with 2 hours of garbage last night and even gave me an update on what I missed when I went to get my laundry. You da real MVP. No matter what Olivia says.

Rose Ceremony

JoJo, Caila, Lauren B., Becca, Amanda, Lauren H., Jubilee, Emily, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

BYE Rachel, whose last parting words were: “Idk I was the only one who didn’t kiss him yet.” AND THAT WASN’T A RED FLAG? BYE Amber, who cries on a chaise lounge in the dark, heels dangling from her hand. Pls don’t ever come back. Third time is NOT a charm.

 

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Going Deep”

 

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Hey, hey, hey, we’re still in the Hamptons and everyone’s gotten over fangirling all up on Erika Jayne so now I’m bored. Last night’s final event of the trip is the opening of a pop-up shop for Kyle’s “Forever 21 for 50 Year Olds Trying Too Hard.” Seriously, do you see the fitted hats with glitter words in the above picture? Three of the girls wear pink to the event and Lisa almost rips their dresses right off them upon her arrival. Bethenny is still lurking around the wrong show and approaches Erika to apologize but not really apologize. Erika’s like we Gucci, I don’t concern myself with your opinions. Then we get into the juicy biz of gossip because not an episode goes by without a side conversation about Kim Richards that gives Kyle the uncomfies. Rinna thinks it would be approps to revisit last year’s feud with Kim so that she can declare that she caused Kim’s addiction and downward spiral. Oh, Rinna. Stop making everyone else’s problems about you. Kyle sneaks up on the group as they’re making her family’s deep-rooted issues about themselves and everyone gets REAL nervous. It’s like when you were in high school and your parents walk in on you and your friends talking about whose getting alcohol for your basement drinking on Friday night and instead of covering it up everyone just turns and stares at them, looking guilty. Surprisingly, Kyle handles it well and instead of losing her shit she shouts LET’S DRINK TO NOT CARING ABOUT KIM! WOOHOOOOO HAMPTONS.

The ladies all purchase their age inappropriate crop tops and booty shorts and then head back to Kyle’s for a dinner party. Obviously housewives can’t eat dinner without a little drama. Eileen and Lisa start yapping about their dumb disagreement over asking too many questions or whatever and Ken, WHO DOES NOT HAVE A G-D LIFE OUTSIDE OF FOLLOWING LISA AROUND, butts in and demands to know what Eileen’s talking to HIS WIFE about. Look, I can’t shit on Ken enough this season. It’s getting sad. He needs to find friends and stop attending all-female events and involving himself in bitch fights while Giggy sits on his lap. If he ever had a man card, it’s been set on fire this season.

Anyway, the conversation spins back to feuds past—so Erika can get caught up on all the shit she definitely already knows about. And while Kyle is addressing her demons with Kim’s addiction, Rinna tells us in her confessional, “Kyle’s sister is getting arrested left and right and it’s affecting me deeply.” Oh, it is, Rinna? Poor you. (I’m salivating over Kyle sinking her teeth into that sound byte at the reunion.)

Once the girls have politely sniffed at their lobster, Kyle feels like it’s an opportune time to play round robin of “what keeps you up at night?” I guess this is better than charades or whatever it was that ended with the girls calling each other slut pigs, but it doesn’t seem like it will go well at all. Lisa’s like, I don’t have any problems, tralala. And then…dare I say it. I laughed out loud at something Kyle said. She comes out of left field with the zing of the century for Lisa when she says; “Your biggest problem can’t be getting a mini pony onto a private plane.” Everyone’s shitting on Lisa for her first world problems and Eileen is like hey everyone I’ve been abused. Yikes, Eileen. Read the room. We rebound quickly from the heavy when Kyle is all, okay not to be selfish but… HAHAHA Kyle’s got jokes tonight. Seriously, she was on FIRE!

In other boring news, Erika cruises on over to Ohio in her private plane with shitty chamomile tea bags to pick up Yolanda after her surgery. We have to look at her disgusting implant photos again. Ralph city. And also, Faye Resnick is back. She’s here to design Kyle’s new closet the size of my apt and give unsolicited family advice. I wish Connie Britton played Faye Resnick in real life too.

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Next up—the Hero Dog Awards, where celebrities match their toy dog to their outfit and carry it around Pump with a cocktail. This party WOULD have been boring, had we not met the next newbie in the crew. I thought the day would never come, I mean she doesn’t even have a mildly offensive and definitely narcissistic tagline in the opening credits. If she did, maybe it would say that she’s introduced as Rinna’s friend, but Rinna clearly knows nothing about her. Not five seconds after Rinna’s like omg Kathryn I can’t believe it’s you; she brings up the most infamous celebrity murder in the past 30 years. You know, typical catching up chitchat. Apparently Kathryn was married to Marcus (OJ’s BFF, and possible sexual partner of Nicole Brown-Simpson) at the height of the whole thang. Rinna makes it no secret that the only things she knows about Kathryn she probably read in Faye Resnick’s memoir and therefore I’m guessing Kathryn’s title as “Rinna’s friend” is preeetttyyy loosey goosey.

kathryn

Looking to make this staged run-in more awkward? Look no further than Eileen who gets a case of the nervy word vomits and goes Hi Kathryn nice to meet you; I dated your ex-husband once. And we’re off! To a great start with Kathryn-no one knows her last name. Once Kyle brings Faye into things, it becomes very clear that maybe we should leave discussion of murder off the Real Housewives. The Kardashians are already involved in OJ. Let’s leave well enough alone, shall we ladies? We’ve boatloads of drama without involving an infamous homicide. JK we’re going to milk it for this season’s drama clearly because next week is Faye Vs. Kathryn to hash out 20-year-old beef. I do know one thing though. OJ’s been laying heavy on Rinna’s life and that’s definitely something we need to consider and console her for.

kathrynrhobh

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The Bachelor

The Bachelor- House of Criers

 

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This week the ladies are all lounging on the couch in their trendy workout gear and it causes me to wonder if they actually do group yoga in the morning or if like me, they wear workout clothes to trick people into thinking they’ve just exercised. Someone arrives at the house and they’re all like “OMG THAT RUN WAS JUST SO HARD.” “Oh, never mind, it’s just Chris Harrison.” Lauren B, not to be confused with LB (who left last week), gets the date and 3.5 seconds later has perfectly wavy hair and has chosen a sexy but cute outfit. 

“The Sky’s the Limit” with Lauren B.

Ben kicks things right off by saying, “Join me on my magic carpet ride” and I get the creeps. No Ben, just no. They’re going up in a baby plane that does flips and shit. Lauren B might be a flight attendant but apparently she’s the kind that straps in during turbulence and clutches rosary beads because bitch is terrified to be in a plane. But then once she’s up in the air she’s AOK and has the time of her life. Nothing could ruin this date—not even THE MOST AWKWARD KISS ON THIS EARTH. No joke, I shielded my eyes when they did the kiss head jerk several times before making contact. They fly over the bachelor mansion and even though no one can even see them inside the plane, the girls all spontaneously combust with jealousy. The plane touches down in a field that is spacious and empty, except for the hot tub that was conveniently dropped there. I guess Ben’s a real hot tub guy? Lauren B’s like omgggg I don’t even know how this got here?! And then changes into a swimsuit. It turns out they’re better at kissing each other when they’re not squeezed into a toy plane dressed like Snoopy.

snoopy

Back at the mansion, Caila cries and squeals a lot about him going on other dates. I hate that I said I liked her. On the date that Caila isn’t on, Lauren B. reveals that she’s still single because she compares all men to her dad. Sexy. Ben tells a story about how his dad had surgery once. So like, a lot of dad talk for a first date. It wouldn’t be a one on one date if it didn’t end with a singer no one knows the name of performing for them. The two slow dance, and by slow dance I mean stand in front of this singer whose just trying to get a little fame and tongue each other.

“Love is the Goal” with Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Olivia, Jamie, Rachel, Lace, Emily

This date kills two birds with one stone. First, it allows for a “celeb” appearance with two soccer players from Team USA (I don’t know their names, sue me.) Second, it gives the girls who are all passive aggressive AF, an activity for them to be aggressive aggressive toward each other and just look dedicated to the game. This game was essentially made for Olivia, who claims soccer isn’t her thing, yet is out for blood. Literally. Once the girls find out the losing team can’t hang with Ben later, shit gets real, real quick. The stripes team get fired up because they have the least flattering Where’s Waldo uniforms ever, and the stars team has Emily (?) who can take a ball or two to the face. In Olivia’s plan to murder anyone who stands in between her and Ben, she sees that Rachel maybe broke her leg and goes after her to snap it clean off of her body. Team Olivia wins.

Back at the mansion, Jubilee cries about how she’s not Ben’s type and Jojo nods in agreement. (Could there be more crybabies up in this hizouse?) Speaking of whiny hoes, at the group hang, Olivia grabs Ben first and so therefore the rest of the girls talk about her ugly toes and bad breath. It’s only fair. When Olivia returns to the gossiping hags, Jami narcs on them and so ensues the most hilarious guessing game ever to occur. Jami is all; they were talking about some of your physical features. And Olivia is like was it my tree trunk calves? Or my cankles? My wide shark mouth? Don’t ever make a girl guess what is wrong with her…the options could not be more endless.

flaws

Amber gets a rose after finally speaking to Ben for the first time. And smooching him. So unfortunately she’s safe for one more week. Cankles Olivia is obviously offended she didn’t get a rose but reassures America that it’s only politics because according to Ben’s secret cues, they’ve basically already eloped. To be clear, the cue she’s referring to was him pushing off her leg to stand up from the couch. I can’t believe I didn’t know that a leg graze was sign language for “we have a kid on the way, the rest of this show is just a formality.” I need to pay more attention in life.

“Love is in the Air” with Jubilee

Apparently Jubz turns into an awkward bird when she’s nervous and makes sassy jokes. In other words, Jubilee is me. Ben has a helicopter come to the house to pick her up because he’s unoriginal and apparently we can expect all of his dates to have some form of aviation + a hot tub+ an obscure singer/songwriter. Anyway, Jubilee is afraid of heights and jokingly asks if someone wants her date cause she’s wearing white and doesn’t want to shit her pants. Everyone just about crucifies her for that comment because she got a date and they’re all duds with no sense of humor. Jubilee convinces me even more that we’re the same person when Ben feeds her caviar; she promptly spits it out and tells him she prefers hot dogs. I was all for Jubilee until she jokingly calls Ben a white boy, which is fine, but then she decided to dissect it afterward in the hot tub. That made for some realllllll awko taco. I was just trying that one on for size, Jami. I think I hate it.

Later at dinner, they talk about how Jubilee has so many layers and it turns out one of those layers is that her entire family died in Haiti. So like, real dark shit. Ben clearly doesn’t know how to react to this so he caresses her hand a little and tells her she’s gr8. She gets a rose and a seat on his lap. When the rest of the house finds out Jubilee got a rose, they’re really excited for her. NAHT. Lauren H. is shocked and declares, “Ben wants a wife who hangs out with all the other soccer moms.” Congrats on coming off sexist AND a little racist, LH.

Cocktail Hour

The normally upbeat and time-stealing cocktail hour takes a somber turn right off the bat when Ben announces that two of his family friends died that day in a plane crash. Olivia senses that he needs a little comforting and pulls him aside to talk about how much she hates her legs. She takes the empathy route, tears up a little bit and tells him how hard it is to be strong in the face of tragedy. No but seriously, an Emmy for the editor who cut this together because that’s quality TV right there.

Jubilee actually does comfort Ben with a massage. Except oopsie, her act of kindness made all the women in the house hate her 1000 times more and turn into bitchy locker room monsters ready to attack. They claim that she’s flaunting her rose—meanwhile she hasn’t spoken to anyone all night. I see some holes in this theory. Amber beckons Jubilee to come over and get verbally assaulted for doing nothing wrong and Jubz is like aw, hell no and runs away. Ben gets involved because he’s awkward and thinks he can solve drama. In the end, Amber looks like a real asshole and should’ve gotten her rose revoked, and Ben is on Team Jubilee. It’s cute that Ben thinks the drama is all over and ends up walking right into Lace, who I’m guessing if she got more camera time this week, she would’ve been saying this:

cecily

Lace is all tears and has decided to leave because she needs to work on herself. Apparently she hates herself as much as America does. Bye, Lace. It’s been real making fun of you. #Gone2Soon

Roses: Lauren B, Amber, Jubilee, Lauren H. (the soccer mom), Amanda, Becca, Haley, Emily, Rachel, Caila, Jojo, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

Jami turns into the bitter single drunk girl, says she’s going to get a lot of cats and that humans are garbage. “THAT’S WHY IM ALWAYS SINGLE!” she shouts like she just downed a tequila shot at last call and is going home alone. YIIIIIKES, Jami. Famous last words. You could’ve been remembered for making up a mediocre rhyme abbrev that would one day turn into a graphic tee sold at Forever 21 with the taco emoji BUT INSTEAD we’ll always know you as the singleton.

Update: That was really naive of me to think that this wasn’t already a tee. And that it’s even more unfunny when printed and mass distributed for sorority girls to wear because they ❤ Chipotle. Oh, god. There’s so many dumb variations. Be better, America.

 

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Pretty Mess”

bethanyerika

So this episode was super boring. This episode was so boring, in fact, that Rinna having a screaming case of mudbutt and healing with yoga the next morning was something they found worth mentioning. Seriously, more than once we had to hear about Rinna’s fiery buhhole. Why? Because there was nothing else going on.

Well—nothing else except everyone slobbering all over Erika Jayne. I hate to jump aboard the train but I think I actually love Erika now too. Ugh it killed me to type that sentence. I love her for very different reasons than the rest of the housewives. For example, after taking to the Google, Rinna is actually afraid of Erika’s sexual prowess. Lisa calls her a prude and Eileen has the most interesting reaction of them all. She’s definitely a little bit turned on and a whole lot jelly. I guess Eileen has some very powerful fantasies about being in porn or something because she can’t let it go and like she has a schoolgirl crush, finds every opportunity to bring it up. I wouldn’t be surprised to see that Eileen has Erika’s YouTube page bookmarked for private times. “It’s so cool, what Erika does. It’s everybody’s fantasy.”-Eileen exclaims to the girls, who reply with blank stares like Eileen just revealed her and Vince like to have sex in a pile of garbage. Gawd, Eileen tuck your boner up into your waistband.

When the much-anticipated goddess finally arrives, the ladies all accost her the second she walks in the door, like she’s the most popular girl at the slumber party, to smell her hair and ask her what her hashtags mean. Except there might be a little popularity contest between Bethany Frankel and Erika Jayne. Since the housewives are in NY/NJ territory, we’re forced to put up with Bethany. Kyle tells a dumb story about how they met over thousand-dollar eye makeup remover or something and will always sound like a dick no matter how hard she tries. Since they’ve been friends FOREVER we get to watch them exchange old stories and inside jokes that none of us will get. Gr8 TV. Then they stalk Erika’s insta because that’s what girls do when they’re about to meet someone.

Bethany stays super discreet about her bitchy activity. Just kidding, she shakes Erika’s hand and says welcome to my home, I just looked at every picture you’ve ever posted online and my favorite was the one with your fingers up your vagina with knuckle rings on. Way to bury the lead on that one, Bethany. While Bethany asks Erika if she wants a rim job, Eileen silently stews over who loves Erika more. No seriously, I thought she was going to stab Bethany to show Erika she’s the most loyal fan. Especially when Bethany went HAM SAMMICH on Erika’s brand and the production value of her music video. Here’s why I like Erika—she sat there and listened, then calmly stated her case and that was that. The dinner party went on and she looked like the better person, especially because she wasn’t wearing a Flax onesie like Bethany (which of course ripped when she was learning how to dance like a stripper. #Karma.) My love for Erika only grew when she brought up how awks the dinner party was the next day and said, “Is she being a bitch or is she just being -Insert long pause and sinister smile- JEALOUS?!”

But enough about EJ already, the other five minutes of the episode spent not focused on her were about Eileen’s affair and how uncomfy she was when Lisa asked a lot of questions about it. The lesson to be learned here is that Lisa is nosy AF with everyone and Eileen better acclimate or become the next Brandi. And on a final note, Yo recovers from her silicon removal and David is a super insensitive asshole when he ribs on the phone to Lisa in front of his sickly wife, “Ken has better tits now.” Aaand crickets. Followed by divorce.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Catching Flies

CAILA, BEN HIGGINS, KEVIN HART

Ben is suuuuper nice to everyone and caring and a gent. He also has the self-confidence of a crack-whore. Enough is enough. This guy is man candy and has a killer personality. If I have to hear the unlovable shtick one more time, I’m going to climb into Olivia’s gaping mouth and never resurface.

Group Date 1: Horny in High School

Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, Lace

The date objective is to put the girls through high school again and make sure it’s sexual and suggestive. Duh. First up? Make Ben’s volcano explode. Jubilee is stuck with Lace, who she fondly refers to, as Lacey, and they both haven’t quite figured out what makes a volcano tick. They’re eliminated first (which fuels Lace’s hate fire.) Step two is bobbing for apples or I guess drowning in a fish tank with your mouth open. Can’t say I’ve bobbed for apples since I was six but this was an atrocious display of the sport. I don’t think your face needs to be submerged in the water to get the job done, ladies. The placing states on a map part is no joke. I can’t even make fun of how dumb the girls are because I 100% don’t know geography and would probably be the one to put Indiana sideways and count it as a new state like Becca and JoJo. The latter portions of the day are for athletic ability and unfortunately Mandi pulls out the W with a barefoot hurdles display. The less screen time we get of her, the better, really. Amber’s pezzed she’s runner up. Spoiler alert: Amber is pezzed this whole ‘sode. Cause she doesn’t belong on this show. But more on that later.

That night, Becca plays the cool girl routine and shoots some hoops with him in a tight lace dress. I almost wanted to date Becca after this. They touch all up on each other’s hands but surprisingly Jennifer gets the first smooch. NeWsFlAsH: Ben is an awkward bird when it comes to initiating kisses. This should be fun. It also turns out Lace just sounds like she’s drunk all the time. She slurs about how her and Ben are eye-banging as she white-knuckles his hand. Jubilee interrupts to talk about how she lived in an orphanage once and is rewarded for “opening up” with some kisses. To be clear, Lace never gets kissed. She does prove that she’s probably on mood stabilizers though, when she begins every sentence for the rest of the evening with “I’m not crazy.” You’re not hot enough to get away with this, Lace.

crazyhot

My girl JoJo gets the rooftop time with Ben and they mack all up on each other. Ben does this thing where he grabs at her back skin while he’s slow dancing/gazing at her and it’s real woof. Stick to the small of her back, Ben. JEEZE. Ben must’ve enjoyed his grip on her spine because he gives her a rose.

One-on-Ride Along: Caila

Ride Along 2 needs all the publicity it can get and therefore Ice Cube and Kevin Hart sponsor this date. They cruise on over to the liquor store so Ben can get some Hennessy and condoms. JK he’s straight outta Hoosiers so he probably just gets a 6 pack of Zima to Ice’s disappointment. There’s some hot tub times with Kevin Hart’s junk and a verrryyy uncomfy giggle from Ben and finally they cut loose from their network obligations. At their dinner later, Ben tells Caila that she made that promotional bit that counted as her date, rly fun. (To be clear: Kevin & Ice could not have been less funny if they tried.) Anyway, Caila tells the story about how she met her last boyfriend on a plane and then they ran into each other in Boston. #Fate. I lived in Boston for a year and never saw the same person in public twice so like I call bullshit. BUT it didn’t work out because their meet-cute was better than the actual relationship. Surprisingly, I don’t think Caila is a total moron and therefore I’m fine with her getting a rose. What I’m not fine with is the fact that they hired the guy whose song was once in an AT&T commercial to give them a private concert. This same commercial drove me bananas for as long as they ran it. I guess Amos Lee gets Ben all hot and bothered though because he sighs a lot and serenades Caila while they slow dance.

 

Group Date 2: Hope You Don’t Have Your Period (S/O to Lindsey)

Emily, Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, Amanda

Hey want to make girls feel like they’re dirt? Tell them they smell sour. Thaaaat’s the technology of Looooooveeeee! The girls, dressed in white booty shorts and camis, are tested by REAL “doctors” to see if they have chemistry with Ben. After he sticks his nose all up in their bits and searches for other adjectives for “sweet” to describe their funk, he pairs off with each chick in bed for some questionable heat-sensory tests. The “doc” tells Ben and Shush to put their hands on each other’s hearts. A twin exclaims, “HE PUT HIS HAND ON HER BOOB!” Really? You mean to tell me neither of these twins has told a guy to feel how fast her heart is beating just to get a boob grab outta the deal? Amateur hour. Turns out Sam stinks AND has the lowest compatibility, Olivia has the highest. She also quotes Charlie Sheen and won’t shut her big wide trap.

Now seems like an ideal time to address this week’s elephant in the room, or rather, gigantic face hole. Olivia apparently thinks it’s cute and fun to drop her jaw to the ground as her reaction to everything. It results in me feeling like I need to run for cover to escape her engulfing the world. It’s only been one episode of this shit and I already want someone to stick their finger in there and teach her a lesson.

Ben tries his best when he sticks his tongue in there. I imagine it gets lost in the cave that is Olivia’s mouth but whatever. We also learn that Shush came to this country with some bottles of vodka and the American dream. Samantha smells like passion fruit instead of sour vag—According to Ben hitting the spin zone to redeem himself for his earlier comments. And lastly, everyone has pictures of their dogs in the house and Amanda doesn’t even have pictures of her kids. This is concerning. Not to Ben cause he kisses her. He’s into moms enough to mention that he loves that she has kids but then when faced with the rose decision gives it to Olivia because boners.

Cocktails/Rose Ceremony:

Okay so this is where we learn that Amber sucks and does not belong on this show. She’s a normal person. She’s not aggressive or fame hungry enough to seek the attention of the Bachelor and therefore she sits in the corner crying about how she never gets any time with Ben. Girl, you did this EXACT THING last season you were on. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Step up your game, walk your chicken legs over to Ben and talk to him or kick rocks. You know who does have the balls to get more face time? Olivia. She drags her open mouth over to catch Ben along with some flies and he greets her like he’s stuck in a 1997 Budweiser commercial.

whassupp

Then it’s Lace vs. Olivia in the battle of manipulative minds. Lace finally snags Ben cause she’s convinced herself and everyone else that she’s never spoken to him and promptly tells him a fascinating story about how she used to look like this:

roseanne

Obviously she cries after because she’s the worst at flirting and definitely gave him a nice boner kill with that image. Ben gives Lauren B. a 4×6 of them that a producer had printed at Wal-Mart “to make her feel really special.” And lastly, Ben calls Amanda over to make some rose barrettes for her daughters that she doesn’t have photographic evidence of. What a sweetie. I guess he’s not LB’s type, though, because when he calls her out at the rose ceremony she says no thank you and heads home. Out of all the girls I wish would do this LB was pretty much dead last on the list. Three cheers for being rid of Mandi though!

Roses: JoJo, Caila, Olivia, Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B., Leah, Becca, Rachel, Lace, Jennifer, Emily, Haley, Jami, Lauren H, Shushanna, Amber(who only gets a rose because LB peaced. I think it’s only fair that Amber send a cut of her Bachelor paycheck to LB, weekly.)

Best Quotes:

“I’ve never been this turned on in a high school before.”- JoJo admitting she didn’t used to get horny for school but now…LOOK OUT!

“Jackie is not great with her mouth.” ROUGH.

“I’m not very smart.”-A twin. At least they’re self-aware.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Hamptons, 90210”

hamptons

The ladies first group trip of the season means many things, but most importantly, it means watching them all pack as if they’re limited to space for clothes and shoes when half of them travel on a private plane. Kyle’s up first and she unearths garments from her overstuffed closet that looks like the sale rack at Forever 21 and naturally the rack collapses BECAUSE NOTHING IN KYLE’S LIFE GOES RIGHT. Lil Portia sits 2 feet away blowing on her fresh mani and laughing at her mom. What a little twat monster. Lisa packs one of her 300 pink fedoras while Ken watches. What is it that Ken does? I feel like he’s been following Lisa around this season and it’s time for him to get a hobby other than stroking Giggy and gossiping about Kim Richards. Eileen and Vince bicker when he finds out that one of her dresses/robes/mumus(?) was $500. Considering Vince only scrapes in $600 betting on horses this doesn’t bode well. HOWEVER Vince is wearing a Saratoga Springs tee, REPRESENT. See you this summer Vincey, when you win a couple dollar bets at the track.

Erika doesn’t get to packing right away, because she’s busy making up a bunch of names. She walks around her property with Laia (her executive assistant) who, from what I can tell, gets paid to follow Erika around with a notepad and scribble stuff down. One of her muy importante notes is to call Zona. No seriously, that was a name. Laia and Zona. What a cast of characters. And the biggest character of them all? Mikey—Erika’s resident “Pat the Puss” enthusiast and also professional packer. As a sassy gay friend and choreographer he fulfills his duty of throwing body suits around and shouting that he’s over it. I can’t put my finger on it but I know Mikey from somewhere. Was he in Darryn’s Dance Grooves? I need to get to the bottom of this. Anyway, the messiah that he is suggests a sheer skirt for Erika’s Hamptons trip in case she wants her vag to get some breeze action. Mikey knows what’s up.

Since doing absolutely nothing to pack was exhausting, Erika pops off for lunch with Mr. Girardi so they can talk about how they have two private planes, a small one for ‘Merica and a big one for Europe, because you can’t have just one. And then lookie here, the LAPD Chief strolls in just to say hello and grab some screen time. But actually, he walks up, says hello then walks away. But oh what a segue that provided for Erika to gush about how she knows the Chief of Police. La-di-dah.

If you ever wonder how the other half lives just cruise on over to Philly at the QVC studio for Rinna’s wild times modeling some shearling jackets and chunky sweaters. AND THEY SELL OUT. What, at QVC, sells out? I thought QVC existed solely to give Joel McHale weekly material for The Soup. Anyway, before Rinna could strut her shit and talk about jacket seams, we had to see that she chums with mad clothing designers. For example, a guy named Dennis, who brags about designing all the gowns in Nicky Hilton’s wedding and screams I love you a lot. With a flip of his aviators he’s gone and Isaac Mizrahi appars in his place. The most I know about Isaac is that he used to be in the Target commercials. So I’m not particularly impressed.

And then there’s my precious YoYo, who prepares for her boobalicious surgery in the cutest little blue leather jacket, white pant combo I’ve ever laid eyes on. She poetically describes how fortunate she is to be rich and afford this surgery and losing her monster boobs doesn’t matter at all because health comes first. It was a very poignant speech that was ruined in .2 seconds when David honka-honka’s her soon to be bye-bye rack and talks about how much he’s going to miss it. God, David, YOU PIG.

Then the most hilarious thing on this earth happens when Yolanda’s Dr arrives wearing a loudly patterned top and matching beret/chef hat. She screeches, “Am I a 10, or WHAT?!” JK she didn’t do that but she midas whale have with how ridiculous that outfit was for several hours of surgery. Since we’re on the topic of judging others, can we talk about how jelly I am that Gigi looks that flawless when abruptly woken up with Facetime? I could be camera ready and still look like Queen Woofie on extreme close-up Facetime. Anyway, I take back everything I said last week. I rarely go take backsies but I would rather watch Rinna get her taco waxed than get all up in Yolanda’s implant surgery as it’s happening. If I missed any portion of Yo bleeding out from her chest though, I guess I could just check up on the nurses’ instaG. You know, the professional nurse who had her phone out snapping pics of Yo sliced open on the operating table.

And while Yo loses 20 lbs in leaking boobs, everyone gathers in the Hamptons, but not all at one place. Kyle & Eileen get to the hotel first and can’t sleep—because as much as they want to pretend they’re young and hip, they clearly can’t hang. So no biggie, they just go right ahead and rent a house. AKA Mauricio does all the dirty work and they just trot on over to their new digs for some 11AM shut eye. Obviously Lisa no likey because she is the star this weekend and instead of drooling all over her cover girl life, her friends peaced out. Rinna shows up to the rented house because she can’t stay in a hotel room without scrubbing it down with alcohol wipes like Charlie Sheen recently stayed there. Then they all put on their borderline skankiest white dresses, nips out, and enjoy poolside cocktails with a side of passive aggressive chit chat, to be continued next week of course.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor Premiere- Lace Up

 

benbach

Listen, the first night is always a whirlwind of skinny bitches and glasses of wine being emptied into my mouth and therefore for last night’s episode we will recap by individual until I learn how many Lauren’s we’re actually going to be keeping around.

But first, Ben’s rite of passage as Bachelor: a completely staged and over the top hometown intro. He drives around talking to himself, shows us the crappy movie theater where he first smooched a girl and gets teary-eyed talking about finding love in his future. C’mon Ben. Don’t be the first one to cry. NOT a good look. But Ben’s most important role as Bachelor was being the grand marshal of his high school homecoming game. No seriously, you would’ve thought he was meeting the President with the way he talked about this honor. From what I can tell, he attended a high school football game with a camera crew. LiViN LaRgE. We also get to meet Ben’s parents, who unintentionally were hilarious. His dad is an adorable nerd who talks about how much he loves Ben’s mom and then they cheers, TO LOVE!

 

JubileeJubilee

Jubz is a vet and can absolutely crush me. Her intro consists of her flipping a guy around a bunch of times and she’s basically going to eat Ben alive.

Mandi/Faith from Unreal

Mandi is ALL IN on being the quirky girl. In Portland, she stands in the middle of a guy playing bagpipes and cycling to show us how ZANY she is. Realistically it made me concerned for what goes on in that city. From there we segue into what I can only describe as the first 2 minutes of a shitty porno as she gives an Indian man a gold tooth in her dental office. There are a lot of close-ups on her rack as she does so. Later, at the house, Mandi wears an enlarged red flower on her head. Why? Because she is the “impression rose”. Before Ben even finishes his Welcome speech to the ladies, Mandi snags him away to see if he’s flossing enough. No seriously, she gives him a dental exam. Unfortunately for everyone, she gets a rose.

Twins

Not quite ready to give up on the act that these two women are one individual, the twins play into the charade by being complete assholes that are conjoined. The matching outfits, the talking at the same time, the tandem biking, I mean, COME ON.  Ben’s reaction when he first saw them was, “That’s uh, that’s good.” They’re quick to tell him that they NEVER date the same guy so this is so0ooOo different! Clearly these two will never be separated (mostly because no one can tell them apart), and I applaud the producers for such an outrageous move.

Amanda

Amanda S

Amanda is cute and all but she has two little kids. She’s got a real full plate and she’s on a reality TV show looking for a husband. FuN FaCt: She’s the only mom this season.

Tiara

Tiara

the chicken enthusiast reads bedtime stories to her chickens, kisses them, and has several photos of chickens with a framed photo of Ben in the center. I wouldn’t have put it past her for one second to have a photoshopped picture of her, Ben and the coop. But joke’s on Ben because when she meets him she acts super normal and there is no mention of her fowl fetish. Ben doesn’t even wrinkle his nose at the probable farm stench radiating from her. I got real nervsies that Ben would fall into her trap and then get too far in before she introduced him to her chickens. Luckily, she was sent home and we no longer have to worry about her tucking birds into bed with them each night.

Screen Shot 2016-01-04 at 8.29.10 PM

Samantha

Samantha

REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted a rose. That’s the most I remember about her. It’s funny how the ones that are thirsty AF for a rose are usually the ones where we saw no interaction with the Bachelor.

Lauren B.

Lauren B

I actually like Lauren B. so I’m going to let it pass that her first meeting with Ben consists of her pinning wings on him because she’s a flight attendant and saying, “I Hope you are ready to take off on this journey together.” I’m also jelly of Lauren B. She’s like GREAT at flirting. She giggles a lot and is cute and tiny. Whatever.

Caila

Caila

is probably fine but since I’m a female, it’s important to note that I hate her. Why do I hate her? Because she jumps into Ben’s arms upon exiting the limo and he scoops her up with effortless grace. TALL GIRLS CAN’T DO THAT CUTE SHIT. DAMN YOU, CAILA. It also turns out that they both sell software. So they have like SO much in common. I wonder if they’ll work in the same office and Ben will carry her into work every day…

Jami

Jami

My gal group that I watched the premiere with all agreed that we had a crush on Jami; unfortunately we didn’t get to see her talk at all. Even more unfortunate, we kept referring to her as the bartender. Sarryyy, Jami. Hopefully we get more next week. Also apparently she’s friends with Kaitlyn from last season? Talk about knowing the right people to get a job…

Lace

Lace

Remember when I had a question about if her name was after the fabric or a dumb way to spell Lacey? Problem solved. No one will ever forget Lace again. She’s the resident bitchy slob kebab on night one. Giving dirty looks and talking about how no one is pretty didn’t really make the other girls want to kick it with Lace. Add 100 glasses of wine to this fire and things got a little fuzzy. Lace smooched Ben upon meeting him (in an aggress manner) then while chatting, asks for a better one—Something that is totes ok when you’re wine buzzed. Except Ben’s like hm, better not. Only because he’s a gem and he didn’t want to tongue before getting to know her toxic personality. He even seeks her out again to reiterate this better because they were interrupted and he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. In Lace-Land, this was interpreted as him saying, “people are shady.” Not one to quit while she’s ahead, after getting a rose she takes him aside to point out that she was watching him like a hawk during the ceremony and he didn’t even look at her once. I think I speak for America when I say, go to bed, Lace, you’re drunk.

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Lauren R.

Lauren R

Yikes to Lauren R’s first impression. She reveals how much she stalked Ben over social media (don’t ever reveal that, girls) and has “something special” to show him. That something special is apparently not her name because she never tells Ben what it is. Although, by process of elimination something tells me he landed on the 100th Lauren in the room.

Shushanna

Shushanna

Her entire first convo with Ben is in another language and he thinks her name is Shauna. Hot start.

Leah

Leah

makes it her mission the first night to come off as the “guy’s girl.” She hikes up her dress and tosses him a football obviously accompanied with “I knew you were a catch.” Cause these girls are nothing if not creative. Later on they play catch again and she runs in heels so she’s like rly down to earth and cool and likes sports. AKA she’s a guy’s nightmare to watch football with because she thinks being a fan is shouting a lot to pretend she knows what’s going on, but who am I to judge?

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JoJo

Joelle

I’m a little ashamed that this was one of my frontrunners in the ranking blog because she waltzes out with a unicorn head on. JoJo DEF has plans to wear this mask in the fantasy suite.

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Lauren H.

Lauren H

If I’m not mistaken, and there’s a high chance that I am, this was the Lauren who tossed Ben a bouquet she just caught at a wedding and probably made him want to run away. Apparently she didn’t scare him enough because she got rosed.

Laura

Laura

“My friends call me red velvet” and “He may have not been into redheads” are two of the best quotes that could’ve summed up Laura’s one night existence on The Bachelor. I did feel a little bad that she was Lace’s side bitch all night AND got kicked off. Double punishment.

Maegan

Megan

Everyone knows I was already not loving Maegan the extra vowels cowgirl. Then she went and brought her mini pony to the first night and crossed her fingers it didn’t pee all over the carpet. If we’re being real, I wouldn’t be surprised if Maegan hiked up her skirt and peed on the carpet. She just strikes me as that type of gal.

Isabel

Isabel

All I’ve got written down is that she was wearing a onesie and thus her opening line was, “are you the onesie for me?” Hard pass.

Rachel

Rachel

was my other top pick from the bios, as a fellow unemployed cookie monster and then she went right ahead and rode in on one of those hoverboards. Noooooooooo.

Jessica

Jessica

gets a real long hug and then an immediate second. And she didn’t even need to give Ben any coupons for those! FrontRUNNER.

LB

LB

I don’t think LB got a lot of screen time but she stands out because she seemed normal and basically stole LC’s name so she’s fine for now.

Jackie

Jackie

gives Ben a save the date for their own wedding. DEF not a red flag or anything.

Olivia

Olivia

only has one dimple and gave up her career as a news anchor to find louuurrve. It’s a good thing she gets the first impression rose or else that would’ve been a suuuper dumb decision. Olivia will probz be around for a while.

Breanne

Breanne

is all about that nutrition life and declares Gluten is Satan. She throws a bunch of bread on the ground and I cried real tears. Who wastes a French baguette like that? So rude. Her one-woman hate-show of carbs was all for nothing because Ben doesn’t give her a rose. He just loves pasta too much, probably.

Becca

Becca

Becca doesn’t really need to make a first impression on me because we’ve seen a whole season of her. She’s sweet and pretty and will most likely end up in the finals. I can see Ben and Becca settling down. Unfortunately it doesn’t matter how lovely Becca is because Lace HATES THAT F’ING VIRGIN. No seriously, she said it. A lot. She also spied on Becca and Amber through the door as they chatted with Ben.

Amber

Amber

Once again Amber leaves 0.0 impression on me. The only thing going for her is that she was linked with Becca as they showed up late togets in the “we’ve already been here once” limo. Either way, she gets a rose, because she’s in the Bachelor family and it would’ve been supes rude to keep Becca and not her.

Jennifer

Jennifer

Conducts a heavy discussion about how she looks for men with morals and similar beliefs and she believes she’s found that in Ben. To be clear she knows absolutely nothing about Ben. To be even clearer, her tits are at full attention in the dress she’s wearing and that’s all anyone can focus on, including Ben.

 

ROSES: Lauren B, LB, Caila, Amber, Jami, Jennifer, Jubilee, Amanda, JoJo, Leah, Rachel, Samantha, Jackie, Haley, Emily, Sushanna, Lauren H., Becca, Mandi, Lace

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