Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Forever and For Always”

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Real talk, this could’ve been the series finale. (I wish it were.) There’s no better and more perfect ending than the long-awaited country wedding for Deacon and Rayna. Four years in the making, the wedding was not without a liiiiittle drama but in the end everything was adorbsicles.

All smooching drama with Markus Keen is long forgotten as the past month has been SUCH a whirlwind for Rayna planning her wedding and doing his press tour. Ray, don’t act like you can’t afford the world’s best wedding planner. I’m assuming that’s who this random bitch is who shows up 10 minutes into the episode to interrupt Daphne and Maddie singing? Seriously, the little angels are onstage dedicating a new song to Deacon and Rayna and everyone on God’s green earth finds this as an opportune time to chitchat with the couple. Maddie continues to rub it in Daphne’s face that HER dad isn’t rotting in jail for some money laundering and hooker timez. This doesn’t sit well with Daphne, I guess because she stops singing. After the rehearsal dinner, the paparazzi ask Maddie which dad she likes better and Deacon decks him. Then our new random character that plans weddings slash does PR (?) for Rayna announces that the paps have learned her wedding location and so now they have to get married in a barn and take a lot of decoy rides to this top secret location. Ugh, the lives of the rich and famous.

Also, hey, Tandy’s back, ya’ll! PS she still hates Deacon and she’s spreading that hate through the Conrad family like wildfire. After the paps incident, Maddie’s questioning whether Deacon is a rage-aholic as well as an alcoholic cause she’s not dramats or anything. And Daphne pulls the ole cough cough I’m sick, like no one is going to question her missing her own mother’s wedding. This obviously causes Deacon to freak out like a baby betch and peace right outta there. BYYYEEEE DEACON, HOPE YOU FIND YOUR BAAALLLLSSS!!

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At the wedding of the century, we have a couple of comebacks. Layla’s back. She left town because her boyfriend died saving Juliette from a drunken suicide. Remembs? Bucky throws a generic “it gets better” toward her. Real supportive stuff. Colt is also back (without his poor AF dad) and wastes no time scrambling over to Layla and revealing the truth. She promptly boots and then devises a sneaky plan to get back at Juliette because how else would you get over your shitty boyfriend’s death?

The ragtag gang of Will, Avery, Scarlett and Gunnar successfully make Rayna’s wedding all about themselves. Will is being blacklisted by the closeted gay Wade Cole and doesn’t want to attend such a high profile wedding and have to talk about his life, so he sits this one out. Avery should have sat this one out because apparently Nashville is a place where semi-famous people and other country singers think that it’s appropriate to ask Avery no less than 1 million personal questions about Juliette, who he has to keep lying about. Seriously, I don’t buy it that anyone would be this interested in his life. What a bunch of asshole friends Rayna has. And of course, Gunnar vows to be Scarlett’s wingman and sucks at it, much like he sucks at picking women. Apparently he’s still “dating” roadie ho Erin? Scarlett’s like wah all these guys are terrible and ends up swaying in Gunnar’s arms because OF COURSE.

The three drama Q’s who are trying to sabotage Rayna’s wedding all change their tune when Rayna’s like hey guess what I’m marrying Deacon so ya’ll can GTFO if you can’t be Team Deyna. Jk she only does that to Tandy—to the girls she’s a little more sensitive, which they don’t deserve for being such turds and causing their mom stress on her wedding day.

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Meanwhile, Deacon’s chilling with dead Bev. This seemed like the perfect time for ghost Bev to make a comeback and roll her eyes at the premise of Deacon marrying Rayna but alas, I think we’ve finally seen the last of ghost Bev. Instead, Frankie tails Deacon and tells him to haul ass back to his wedding and stop being such a chump.

Finally, the moment has arrived and Deacon makes it back just in the nick of time to not look like a total d-bag. Scarlett & Gunnar’s “When the right one comes along” plays over the wedding montage of some real sappies. First thing’s first, let’s address Rayna’s wedding look. The dress is great; I have no problems with the dress. I do have a problem with tying her famous loose waves to one side and tossing a weird bun pinned in the back. What is happening there? LET IT FLOW, RAYNA. Don’t mess with it!!! Anyway, the vows are lovely (we get it, LONG time coming) and there’s no mention of Deacon almost killing his bride to be, so that’s nice! The kiss and dip was a real SWOOON and even better is when Deacon slow dances with his girls to make sure they don’t hate him anymore. This fam couldn’t have been happier than if they were sangin’ “A Life That’s Good”.

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Sidebar: not everyone’s happy because apparently the honeymoon’s over for Colt and Maddie now that he’s like REAL into his farm chores and BFF Granddad now. It was fun while it lasted I guess, but Colt can’t live the bad boy life foreva. He’s seen some shit. Also Avery leaves the wedding abruptly in tears. So things are a little dicey on his end.

For the grand romantic finale, Deacon carries Rayna over the country house threshold, serenades her with a slow ditty and then they bang it out right there on the couch. HUZZAH!

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Three’s A Crowd”

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I was hoping this was the winter finale but unfortunately we have one more week before we get a well-deserved break from the depraved lives of the sad sacks of Nashville. This week, Colt took a page out of Maddie’s bitch teen book and really amped up the LIFE ISN’T FAIR and I HATE YOU’s for some QT with Luke. Gabriella goes out on a limb as the girlfriend trying to impress the kids with, “So Colt, your dad tells me your pretty big into hip hop,” like she’s talking to a 6 year old and not a teenager who witnessed a guy plummeting to his death. Stay irrelevant, Gabriella, don’t eva change. Luke tries to take Colt fishing so they can bond and also so his son can sign a nondisclosure about the death he witnessed that Luke is sweep, sweep, sweeping under the rug. Daddy issues bubble over when it turns out Luke actually needs to do a Forbes photo shoot. Is Luke even that famous? Anyway, dad almost punches son and son moves in with grandpa, you know, the usual. Hey Luke you’re a shitty dad and your girlfriend’s about to leave you once the work dries up. Boom, roasted.

Scarlett and Caleb’s relationship progresses in that they drag it out for another week REFUSING TO BREAK UP WHEN THEY’RE TERRIBLE TOGETHER. Scarlett surprises Caleb on her day off and he’s like sarrryyy I’m busy. When he finally gets home, Scarlett is waiting for him in a nice Maidenform bra to seduce him I guess? I mean this scene was about as sexy as a Nickelodeon cartoon. Obviously not overcome with the need to bed his girlfriend who’s only in town for 24 hours, Caleb opts for a solo shower sesh. THIS ALONE POINTS TO DUMPSVILLE, Population: Scarlett. But no…later for pillow talk, Scarlett (wearing nothing but a beaded Navajo choker) tells a story about someone on the tour bus falling out of the bunk with a thong on and Nick talks about his clinical trial. Are these two compatible, or what?! It all blows up when Doc loses his baby bitch temper as he’s known to do once a week and shouts -I DEAL WITH PEOPLE WITH CANCER, NOT SING FOR FREE BEER. And yet…they stay together. Their entire relationship has a whole dad hit mom at the dinner table and we all need to act casual feel to it. Dr. Caleb is an asshole. Get him outta here.

Since I naturally tend to clump them together because they both send me to Snoozetown, Avery visits the poorhouse this week while Will thumbs his nose at a high-paying songwriting gig just because country singers think they’re going to catch the gay from working with him. Avery has quickly taken Layla’s place as the sad sap of the show. Everything in his life soooooks. He can’t book a gig on his own anymore and when he finally does he has to cancel it for a jingle because it pays more and lil screamer’s gotta eat, I guess. LoLz to Emily offering to launder money from Juliette’s account for a quick loanski AS IF that’s totes legal. Look, I can sympathize with Avery’s shitty life because I deal with being a poor person every day but like I also don’t need to relive it on TV every Wednesday. This is not interesting television. At one point Avery preaches to Will, “What we want to do and what we need to do don’t always line up.” And SHIT that’s depressing, but also #blessed because at least I don’t have an infant to support on an unemployed salary. Tough stuff, lesson learned.

Rayna still hasn’t learned that Markus is trying to bang her and it’s actually kind of cute that she’s so naïve to her mad cougar vibes. Markus finally meets Deacon—calls him Freakin’ Deacon and wraps him in an aggressive bear hug (thus deducting hot points) and shouts with glee that he NEEDS to work with the Deaconator. Yeah, yeah whatever we see where this little ménage a trois is going. Unfortunately for all of us, Markus is so eager to be the meat in a Deacon-Rayna sandwich that he coins them “the dream team” and goes to the record store to stock up on every song Deacon ever released (I’m assuming they were in a cardboard box marked “Vintage”.) For a quick giggle, the original “dream team” refers to the ‘92 US basketball team in the Olympics, but sure, a recovering alcoholic who doesn’t play anymore, a country singer turned declining label owner and a surly rocker who everyone refuses to work with TOTES equals a dream team. Before they can even win a gold medal there’s a little tussle over changing lyrics for a song, Deacon handles it real well, by stomping around with his fingers in his ears and shouting that Markus obviously wants to bang one out with Rayna. Rayna is like WHO, ME?! *hair flip* then skips on over to Markus’s hotel—where he’s just stepping out of the shower in an open cardigan. Markus agrees that their relationship is just business then winks and closes the door. He’ll be forcing himself upon Rayna in due time. In due time. (Next week.) Something tells me there’s trouble amongst the dream team.

ALSO Gunnar finally writes a song that I like with NO whining whatsoever. He was supes inspired by slumming it with roadie Erin, who wears a fedora and touches statue bewbz. And for all the cringes in the world, Maddie goes full on BIIIIITCH and curb stomps her innocent lil sis by treating her like she’s a member of Barney and Friends then actually comparing her fashion sense to Kidz Bop. KIDZ BOP. I didn’t think there could be anything more insulting this episode. Have your ears ever bled to the tune of a chorus of children singing today’s pop hits? Just the commercial alone makes me want to go deaf forever. Seriously, whatever genius thought hey, I know how to make top ten radio hits catchier, let’s have children get in a recording studio and sing along to them like they’re performing at their 3rd grade concert! GENIUS. It’s like the Kars for Kids jingle, but 13 of them, on a CD, that’s sold for profit. GAH. But I digress, Maddie laughs right in Daphne’s face just for trying to be more like her and it’s terribly sad and I want to cuddle little Daphne bear and tell her it gets better but because they’re sisters they’ve made up five minutes later.

I never thought I’d say this but like…I think I want Teddy back. I mean I’m literally begging for the mayor who used to bang call girls and try to keep it on tha DL to come back to this show. That’s where we’re at. #FREETEDDY. Let’s get it trending, guyz.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Can’t Get Used to Losing You”

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In the event that you forgot or are still in shock to remember, Jeff Fordham tumbled to his plot twist death a couple weeks ago. Something tells me his ghost won’t be slithering around Nashville for episodes to come unwelcome like Bev’s did. That something is his blooming TV career, but who am I to jump to conclusions? What comes as no shock to anyone is that Juliette doesn’t even know Jeff died, because her brain is drowning in booze and pills. So the assumption is made that he committed suicide, which is a poetic assumed death for someone who was such a narcissistic buhhole.

Not so fast though—don’t forget we have our little eyewitness who turns out may not be so reliable because Luke finds an empty bottle of liquor in Colt’s room. Really bruh, you made it through a party and up to your room without getting caught and you couldn’t just toss the bottle in the hallway trashcan? I remember my first beer. At least he knows how to lay on the guilt when he wails that he came to find his dad but HE WASN’T EVEN THERE! YEAH. WHERE WERE YOU LUKE?! Oopsie he was just porkin his image consultant who he fired for a few hours. Turns out her name is Gabrielle. Literally took me 5 episodes to learn it. Gabrielle listens to Colt’s confession and tells him to zip it until she can figure out how to spin this. (She was re-hired with the sunrise.) Also Jeff has a sister and she’s a real Twat with a capital T. Sis essentially tells Layla that she was just a mouth to Jeff and will not be invited to the funeral. Harsh.

As if we weren’t all reeling from the death of a character that no one really liked, Nashville was like LET’S UP THE ANTE and present to us, SCARLETT WITH A BUZZCUT. Her tangled and wild forest of a mane has quite literally been mowed off of her scalp. Caleb sees it for the first time and is like YIKES boner kill…or something nicer, I’m not sure because I was actually yelling when she debuted the worst dramatic TV haircut since Felicity. A TV show trying to save a terrible character with a haircut is laughable and I’ll take my time lawling about this one. I’ll let you guys know when I stop having giggle outbursts every time G.I. Jane is in a scene.

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Even though nothing can be worse than Scarlett’s sudden impulse for a bald head, her chemistry with Caleb who’s already been around for far too long continues to be non-existent. As they grab a pre-tour dinner, Caleb’s toast is, “may The Exes future be as bright as your smile.” Scarlett responds by staring at her phone. These two are white hot. I don’t know how they’re not pawing each other right at the dinner table. Probably because they’re busy sleeping in each other’s presence since this relationship is the most boring thing to ever occur.

Gunnar is still trying to get over the fact that Scarlett is dating someone who makes her underwear drier than the Sahara and keeps casually sleeping with Erin the roadie. Then light bulb! Gunnar’s like hey you should come on tour and work for me. Not a big thang at all. No really, this story line will never be a big thing. It’s obviously a terrible decision for these two to work together and yet Gunnar agrees to it after he tries to whine about it to Will and is sternly told that everyone in America has bigger problems than this so kindly STFU.

Will and Avery become besties because they’re both sad about being dumped. What does one do when they have a case of the sadsies? Harmonize, obviously. Avery has an ugly cry one night thinking about what might have been with Juliette and right on cue Cadence is like Hey is someone crying and they didn’t invite me…how rude! And her screeches fill my ears once again. I almost got tricked too when she cracked a smile earlier in the episode. That little tease. Anyway, Will and Avery stand over her crib with goofy dad smiles and sing about her peeing in the pool. And she’s like that’ll do it, goodnight. Let’s resume my ear shattering shrieks in the morning, boys. At least that’s what I assume little miss shouts-a-lot is thinking as she decimates everyone’s eardrums.

While pretty much everyone is unaffected by Jeff’s death with most reactions spanning from “oh” to “really?” to “yeah that’s too bad”, Layla is destroyed. It doesn’t really help that their relationship was a secret and everyone’s like who dis when she tries to talk about how much they loved each other. I actually liked Will for a second when he is there to comfort Layla, and stay up all night to unpack her apt (which was packed to move in with Jeff.) What a sweetie he is when he’s caring about other people’s problems.

Juliette is the opposite of a sweetie when she tells Layla that she’s torn up about Jeff’s death because she has to get a new manager. She also aggressively tells Layla to forget about Jeff and get the F over his death already. This of course is right before she takes the stage for a tribute and says, “Jeff was my manager, he will be missed.” Damn, that’s deep. She really dug down for these sentiments. While she was digging around for emotions she happened to stumble upon the brown-out of her trip to the roof and Jeff actually saving her life. She finally asks for help and Layla takes the stage for a proper goodbye to Jeff, a yodeling song about their love. Does it make anyone else feel terrible that Layla’s entire existence is pitiful? If they don’t throw her character a bone soon they midas whale just kill her off too so at least she can reunite with her heart, Jeff. I mean girl went from marrying a gay guy and having a shitty reality show to being attacked by the press, drugged and left for dead in a pool, looked over by like every music label, underappreciated on Highway 65, in a secret relationship with her manager who was JUST about to go public with her and move in AAAAAND he’s dead. But for the GRAND finale—she thinks her boyfriend committed suicide. And she probably won’t ever know because Gabbers (formerly known as Luke’s bang buddy) checks Juliette into rehab and they sweep sweep sweep the truth of Jeff’s death under that giant Nashville rug o’ secrets. At this point killing Layla off would be a blessing; maybe everyone would appreciate her more after she’s gone, like Michael Jackson. I bet her record sales would skyrocket…she could do a concert in hologram. I’m just saying, only way to go is up, I guess?

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Please Help Me, I’m Fallin”

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Nothing is more telling for Nashville fans than the dramatic announcer throwing out a tease before an episode begins. “TONIGHT will Juliette FALL to her DEATH?” Well, man who probably gets paid $40 an hour to record questions anyone with half a brain already know the answer to, I’m gonna guess if Nashville kills off a main character due to post-partum depression when the actress who plays that character just went into rehab for post-partum depression they’re going to have a bit of a PR disaster on their hands. I was confident that Juliette would not be fallin’ to her death tonight but I never would have predicted who did instead, and for that I simply offer up a golf clap to the writers who I’ve mercilessly harassed with these recaps.

Before I slobber all over the writers though, let’s not forget that this show is still not what it used to be and get the boring stuff that happened out of the way first. Gunnar turns into a glass case of emotion when he bangs the newly unemployed roadie and wants her to stay for pancakes, coffee and perhaps the rest of her life. Edgy roadie is like nah, I’m gonna uber home. Pls don’t call. Gunnar then gets down on his hands and knees scouring his floor for something she left behind and finds an earring and decides this means she wants him to call her. Like the lifetime movie that is Gunnar’s sad love affairs, he stalks the shit out of this girl to snag her digits and then tells her at length what he had to do to track down her number. Smooth. Obviously dying to hang out with this modern-day Romeo, who is definitely not a cr33p, she ditches their “date” and goes out with her gal pals instead. After getting intoxicated because that’s the only way she’ll sleep with Gunnar, she shows up at his door again and he cries about how she only wants to have sex. He’ll probably write a song about it one day but until then, you are a loser, Gunnar.

The woman Gunnar is actually longing for in his bed is still in Nebraska or wherever the hell she grew up in middle America with that lounge singer mom of hers, who remains dead but is still haunting us. Please go peacefully to eternal rest now, Bev and stop reincarnating in ghost memory form. The gist of Scarlett and Deacon this week is that they’re still sad about Bev’s shitty life but then they feel a little better because her friends at the lounge really loved her and miss her. Scarlett performs a Bev original at her memorial and surprise, surprise, Deacon closes his eyes for a minute too long and when the camera pans back, there’s Bev singing a couple verses. THIS BETTER BE HER SWAN SONG…FOR REAL THIS TIME. On the way back to Nashville Deacon calls his sponsor, who owns a struggling bar and asks if he can buy in JUST so he can rename it The Beverly. Deacon says this with such pride like he had the greatest light bulb of an idea and not like it’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard. We’re gonna have an alcoholic buy a bar just so he can name it after the sister whose death he’s inadvertently responsible for. Good call.

Keeping tune with decisions one will come to regret, Maddie is grounded and has her phone taken away for getting boned by Colt in a backstage trailer going onstage to sing with Juliette. She spends her time on probation doodling hearts around her and Colt’s names like someone in a mature sexual relationship would do. Her idol Marcus Keen—who has now forced Rayna to produce his album—tells Maddie she crushed it onstage and gives her a fist bump, which gives Maddie the right to revert back to her surly asshole days because she thinks her punishment is undeserving.

Marcus plays a song for Rayna then tries to fire her like she’s Avery 2.0 because she gives him feedback like a producer would do. Since Rayna is a gem and knows how to communicate with people, she finally gets through to the diva and wants to show him Maddie & Daphne’s interpretation of his song so he can stop being such a buhhole about country music. Daphne doesn’t want to sing because biddies talked shit about her the last time she did, so Maddie more than willingly rips the spotlight from her sister and performs it solo. She also steals Daphne’s celly later to call her boo, who was bored on his dad’s tour and therefore low-key got hammered by himself and stumbles up to his room to get rid of the spinsies. But seriously, no one is a more low-key drunk than Colt, whose only sign of being intoxicated is that he looks more confused than he usually does under that stupid shaggy hair of his.

And now onto our main event, the hot mess express that goes from 100 to 1 million real quick. (Obviously the phrase is 0 to 100 but she got shot up with tranquilizers recently so realistically girl has never been at 0.) At the beginning of tonight’s episode Juliette sits in a dark room crying, probably over her grossly chipped nails, then throws on some aviators and a hoodie to leave the hotel. As she’s walking across the lobby and everyone’s staring at her as if they’ve never had greasy hair that needed to be hidden before, one brave fan approaches asking for a selfie. I guess Juliette must not have been in the selfie mood because she drops the fan like a MF’er and screams and beats the shit out of her. Thank God the fan didn’t have a selfie stick as I can only imagine how quickly that would’ve been fashioned into a weapon. Either way, this fan beat down was the most exciting thing to happen in Nashville all season. It was like a world star hip-hop video in my living room as my dad and I oohed and aahed and yelled OH SHIT (that was just me.) I love watching a good girl fight from a safe distance. It was like WWE Smackdown all up in that hotel lobby and I was more than happy to pop some popcorn and watch scary Juliette with glee.

Anyway, I’m getting distracted…Luke tries to figure out why Juliette has suddenly turned into the Hulk and she responds like a teen being punished–yells LEAVE ME ALONE and shuts herself in the bathroom with a bottle of vodka. Jeff follows Luke and takes a different approach with her, a little good cop, bad cop parenting, if you will… he basically tells her she’s a waste of life and when she hurls herself at him and tries to rape him he tells her she was a one-time broom closet bang. Boom, bad copped.

Side note: I hate that Jeff is like turning his life around and trying to be a gentleman now and I’m on his side. When he delivered that sick burn to Juliette I was like YEAH, then I thought back to how he drugged his current girlfriend and left her to die facedown in his swimming pool and I’m like uh?

But whatever, he’s gunning for CEO of Luke’s new label thing with the woman whose name I still don’t know. He promises to clean this Juliette disaster up if he can get the job. Then Layla sees claw marks on his chest and immediately assumes he slept with Juliette because trust is the #1 pillar in their relationship and he informs her they’re going to move in together once he gets this job. Because when you don’t have trust in a relationship you fix it by moving to the next level. And obviously something seems like a red flag here but he gets the assaulted fan to make a public apology admitting she’s been stalking and harassing Juliette and she deserved to get several haymakers to the face and body while she lie helpless on the hotel lobby floor. So all in all, win win for everybody.

Meanwhile, Juliette mixes up a nice cocktail of uppers, downers and vodka in her room, texts Avery (who has finally been convinced by Glenn to cut her off emotionally) “I’m sorry” and goes for a little walksie on the roof. Right as she’s about to stumble off the edge, Jeff finds her, pulls her back and THEN TUMBLES TO HIS DEATH. I mean, logically I should have seen this coming as Oliver Hudson is the lead actor on a show that people actually watch and therefore probably didn’t have time to keep flying out to Nashville to film a few scenes every week…yet at the same time I wouldn’t have predicted them killing him off. Naturally just as we start to like Jeff he’s offed and I have to ask God WHYYYYY wasn’t it Zoey?!?! Or Scarlett….Or Gunnar…Really the list could go on for miles. Oh yeah, Colt witnessed this whole slow motion death scene from his balcony where he was gulping some fresh air because baby bitch can’t hold his alcohol. While his dad has relations with no-name PR or whatever lady who was REAL adamant about not mixing business and pleasure but it’s okay because Luke fired her and will rehire her in the morning after he’s been inside her all night. She really stood her ground on that one. What a strong female character.

PS Cadence, or in Will’s words “Cady” appears twice in this episode and neither time she is wailing…she even smiles once. THINGS ARE LOOKING UP FOR OUR EARS. Also if you feel like I never write about Will it’s because his story hasn’t changed in 3 weeks. He still hates being gay and would like to continue to flirt with women in public while his gay fans stay 40-60 feet away from him at all times.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Stop the World (And Let Me Off)”

NASHVILLE - "Stop the World (And Let Me Off)" - Rayna pushes back on Layla's romantic relationship with Jeff, and Markus pushes back on his producer, Avery - which does not go well. Maddie joins Colt on Luke's tour, giving the teens opportunities for more freedom than Maddie can handle. She turns to Juliette for advice and shocks Luke with the results. Meanwhile, Deacon and Scarlett head to Natchez despite their falling-out, and Gunnar enlists Kevin and Will's help as "wingmen" in an effort to pick up a new woman, on "Nashville," WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 21 (10:00-11:00 p.m., ET) on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Mark Levine) CHARLES ESTEN, CLARE BOWEN

Last week Juliette asked a probably unlicensed doctor to show up at her hotel room and shoot her up with illegal drugs and as you might have predicted, she comes to looking like a bag of assholes. Apparently looking at her roughsicle face in the mirror is enough of a scare tactic to whip her back into shape as she flushes more drugs and lets her husband know what her new number is. Of course she sends a little texty-text around the same time that Avery is finally signing those divorce papers. Unrelated side note: Hey Avery, you’re a single dad…maybe time to do away with the college dorm poster of DMB on the bedroom wall. Anyway, Juliette also calls Emily and leaves a monotone shitty apology on her voicemail. Neither of them responds to her outreach so naturally Juliette assumes her phone is broken, a logical conclusion from a really terrible human being. Also I would like to add that the only scene Cadence is in tonight, she is wailing at an ear shattering level. I’m sorry, that was far too kind of me, my actual note from the episode read, “IN BREAKING NEWS, CADENCE IS F***KING CRYING!” I find that my note in the moment more properly portrays that this baby is the worst one on this planet.

Something that actually entertained me on this show—I know, it’s been awhile since I’ve been able to truthfully admit that—was the return of the Maddie & Colt saga. Their once incestual teenage love has survived an almost marriage of their parents, Deacon walking in on them canoodling and now they’re forced to go through the toughest obstacle of all, Colt’s shitty hair. It’s like, I understand what Colt is trying to do with his long, messy locks, but then at the same time I’m angered by the way he clearly tried to copy Tim Riggin’s sex hair and yet failed so miserably. Ugh, I could seriously puke over his hair all day but I guess it’s important to note that Maddie must actually be turned on by his hair identity crisis—maybe it’s the absence of his usual backward hat? —Anyway the two of them jet off to catch a Luke Wheeler show and sneak some sex times. Luke leaves these two horndogs alone for like 2 seconds and Maddie pounces on Colt just to be like LETS NOT RUSH THINGS.

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In her time of need, as most young girls usually do, Maddie thinks, WWJD, and turns to someone who makes nothing but the best decisions in her life, Juliette, of course. Juliette shows her how to cut loose by doing some lines in her dressing room, JK she invites Maddie onstage for a duet of Telescope. They’ve got kind of a Pistol Annie’s vibe and I’m diggin it but Rayna obv will not. Even better, while Luke is onstage performing the hell out of Will & Kevin’s song (that they can’t sing themselves because they’re gay), lil Maddie and lil Colt are knocking boots in his trailer. ROMANCE ISN’T DEAD. Luke disciplines Maddie by sending her on a private flight straight home but he’s a day late and a hymen short. Luke also punishes Juliette with a cold, hard truth bomb, “Don’t go trying to play cool mom with somebody else’s kid just because you’ve abandoned your own.” OHHH SHIIIIIIITTTTT. SUCK IT, JULIETTTTTEEEEEEE. PS I also loved it a lot when Luke was clearly trying to be the cool dad and took a selfie with the kids “to show how much fun we’re having.” I didn’t know that Luke was a 14 year old at a slumber party trying to social media shame anyone who wasn’t invited, but it was laugh out loud funny.

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Much less interesting than losing one’s virginity in the back of a tour bus voluntarily, is the fact that Gunnar is the saddest excuse for a man ever in TV history. He claims he felt a spark with Emily when they both grabbed for the milk that morning and the gays are like SOS we need to get you laid on this road trip. They try to hook him up with a roadie on the Wheels Up tour and Gunnar has a mouth stroke where the words “I’m not gay but it’s ok if you are” come out several times in some form or the other. The girl scampers away because she was probably drier than the Sahara just from being near to Gunnar and his lame wad ways. They run into each other again later where he stupidly dribbles, “pretty girls make me nervous” like the kid in class who always licked the glue stick. Needless to say this didn’t make her hot and bothered but for whatever reason, Juliette fires her and suddenly she’s horny for Gunnar. They fornicate in the backseat on the trip back to Nashville. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I welcome the return of Micah if it means we no longer have to put up with this shell of a character. I don’t know if you realize the severity of the statement I just made. MICAH WAS THE WORST. AND I WOULD PREFER TO HAVE HIM BACK. OVER GUNNAR CIRCLING THE DRAIN IN THE TOILET THAT IS HIS LOVE LIFE.

Ok, we got worked up there; let’s bring it back down with Deacon and Scarlett fi-nuh-ley making amends. They’re packing up Bev’s house together and Scarlett finally grows a backbone to tell Deacon to stop being such a dick. Also she gets drunk, which is stupid and does nothing for their reunion, obviously because Deacon is a sauce monster. Double also, there are two too many creepy hologram quality flashbacks of Bev. DIE AWAY FROM US, BEV. SERIOUSLY. DON’T EVER SHOW YOUR FACE ON NASHVILLE OR ABC EVER AGAIN.

Someone else who has been getting a surprising amount of face time lately for having two leading roles on primetime shows is Jeff Fordham. He’s still suspiciously playing boyfriend of the year to Layla, and now that they swapped spit in public, everyone has found out, including Mama Bear Rayna who does NOT approve. Rayna has Layla over to her in-home recording studio to tell her that Jeff is terrible and dating him is a poor life choice. They bicker over music and porking partner preferences before Layla comes to her senses and confesses that she still loves Jeff even though he treats her like poop stuck to the bottom of his shoe. Rayna’s all, there’s your hit song, girlfraaannnnn! And so she writes another kind of snoozey song while Jeff vies for a new job with that character whose name I never learned who is trying to turn Luke into the next Jay-Z. Pishh. Unfortunately this character is very strongly against mixing business with pleasure (I mean she won’t even let Luke throw it in her) so she’s less than welcoming to Jeff and his incessant need to always find pleasure in his business, if you know what I mean.

My great hope for Hottie McRocker Marcus in being a fabulous new love interest is kind of lost this week when Marcus joins the lineup of horrific people in Nashville. He shows up to his first day with Avery late then prefers to entertain rather than do his job. Avery takes the lull as an opportunity to call everyone in his phonebook and wah-wah over Juliette. Mood swing Marcus isn’t into this phone tree and has a meltdown, compares Avery to a teenage girl texting for their whole session and then promptly fires him. I’m like 90% sure that this is Marcus’s last episode so chances are he’ll go quietly into the Highway 65 grave but Avery does not handle the firing well. He sticks his fingers in his ears and stomps his feet and throws a full-on Cadence-level tantrum for Emily about how he’s a big, smelly loser. While Avery is knocking shit over and crying about his life, Juliette is finally realizing that she needs him back. Thank GAWD when they finally meet Avery sacks up and tells her it’s too late and he’s filed for divorce and will be requesting full custody of Cadence. Why? Save your ears. I should be saving my eyes from this show, but I’m not one to quit mid-series so easily. Either way, the dumpster fire that is Juliette’s life will likely (fingers crossed…it’s been an eternity) explode next week and one can only hope that the story lines will improve from there.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “The Slender Threads That Bind Us Here”

NASHVILLE - "The Slender Threads That Bind Us Here" -- Rock star Marcus Keen (Riley Smith) makes demands on Rayna as she struggles to tend to those around her. Layla and Jeff get into a lover's quarrel. Jeff arranges for a journalist to shadow Juliette on tour, but after another emotional setback, she leans on pills and alcohol to get through her days, and Zoey (Chaley Rose) returns to see Scarlett, on "Nashville" WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 14 (10:00-11:00 p.m., ET) on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Mark Levine) RILEY SMITH, CONNIE BRITTON

I think that if I had slept through that hour of television I still could have adequately provided this recap just from last week’s previews. In fact, I kind of wish I did.

We carry on with this “let’s be sad about Bev” business by opening up on her funeral. What’s vital to dwell on is not that Bev is dead and Deacon is sad, but that Rayna wears a chic as hell hat to the event like it’s the Kentucky Derby. The south has risen—hallelujah! Oh sorry is that inapprops for Bev’s tearful goodbye, because that’s the vibe I’m getting from the cap that’s perched atop Rayna’s perfect mermaid waves. Other than Rayna’s hat fit for a Tyler Perry movie, ZOEY IS BACK. “Ugggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghghghghghghg” sums up the exact reaction I had to seeing her back on my TV. She sings a little at the funeral and I pray that she’ll be hightailing it back to the land of banished minor characters who haven’t been killed STAT. Deacon holds it together and gives a beautiful eulogy. Just kidding he sputters and sobs in the first sentence and shouts SHE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW. Way to keep it cool, Deacon. Obviously he still regards his niece as a murderer who shall be shunned from his life forever. Then Zoey and Gunnar get a minute to chat which merely consists of Gunnar being all “hey we should catch up sometime” (a very standard thing to say to someone you’ve never made to effort to keep in touch with but awkwardly run into) and Zoey’s all “I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!” No one cares, girl, no one cares.

Meanwhile Juliette misses three interviews from partying and Jeffy Fordham flies out from wherever they film Scream Queens to kick her ass into gear and declare that her punishment is to have a reporter all up in her shit for the next two days for an article. Juliette takes this opportunity to turn her life around and do what she gets paid millions to do with a smile on her face. Except for the fact that she pops an adderall from a “doctor” in a suit among a crowd of fans, like NO ONE WOULD CATCH HER TOSSING PILLS BACK. No but actually, no one thinks this is cause for concern. As if in today’s world every single fan doesn’t have their iphone out snapping pics and vids and would ever let a drug deal right in front of their dumb teen eyeballs slide on unnoticed. Ugh. Clearly this fires me up. Anyway, this one incident leads to her becoming a casual drug addict in mere minutes. She washes down some sleeping pills with a nip for bedtime before she moves onto needles the next night. No seriously, she calls formal doc over for a shot in the hip so she can “feel nothing.” Things are still going real swell for her, obviously.

Juliette takes some time out of working her way down her narcotics bucket list to see some snapshots of Avery, Emily & Screamer at the park playing house and dial up Emily to politely relay the message that she’s, “just a gold-diggin, back-stabbin, whore.” Probz safe to say that Emily’s paychecks will stop coming in on the reg. Avery tries to rationalize that his wife might still have an inkling of affection for the creature that once resided in her uterus for 9 months by comparing her to BEV. YIIIIKES. Couldn’t think of anyone else, Avery? Him holding out hope for his now doped up wife is getting a liiiiiiiiittle sad.

Someone whose not handling the sads very well is Deacon, who is often known to drown his sorrows in the bottle, but managed to stay sober for this whole episode! Pause for golf clap. Besides, we’ve got a whole season for him to fall off the wagon, no need to rush. One thing we do know is that he DOES NOT want any DAMN funeral casserole. He also beats the shit out of Bev’s old room and stuff while Maddie spies on him and runs away because her dad punched a mirror and she just can’t even.

One thing that remains is Deacon’s fiery hate for Scarlett who is having a tough time coping and when Zoey asks if Caleb is helping she says hugging him is like hugging a textbook. WHOA. Did she take that right out of an erotica novel? Hugging a textbook? Sounds hawt. What chemistry those two have. Dr. Caleb tries to put the spice back in their relationship (was it ever there?) and decides to write her a song. Since he’s so ABOVE music, his lyrics are on par with Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and he’s forced to ask Gunnar for help. Gunnar obvsicles just writes a song from his heart because he’s madly in love with Scarlett but when Scarlett reads the lyrics she doesn’t suspect that Caleb had basically nothing to do with it and thanks him by opening her legs.

Layla also opens her legs as a welcome back to her boyfriend/manager Jeff Fordham, who is playing the loving boyfriend character in scarily accurate fashion. He gives her some sassy cowboy boots for her Opry debut and I would love a pair of my own, Jeff, jus sayin. No seriously, where can I buy those and are they under 20 bucks because I’m currently on an unemployment budget.

Anyway, Layla does the whole Opry debut thang and the only highlight is Jeff backstage smugly telling Rayna she finally did something right by his client and Rayna snapping back “Shut up, Jeff.” After her forgettable song, Rayna sings her praises and they are quite soon stomped on as Marcus Keen the millennial boy toy of my dreams shows up and even those sparkly cowboy boots can’t stop her from fading into the background of The Opry…Highway 65…life…The good news is that Marcus isn’t just a pretty face, he also tells riveting stories about Prince Harry grabbing the mic from him, a lesson he quickly picked up when he basically grabs the mic from Layla later on and drop kicks her from the stage.

But before that, Avery sneaks in to pitch the producer gig for Marcus by telling him that he’s got loads of credits such as being Juliette’s baby daddy…or at least that’s what Marcus knows him for. Zing, bro. It’s gotta be REAL rough to have a rep in the biz for being a baby daddy and not a talented producer. Before Avery can even seal the deal he gets a call that his little screamer has a high fever and needs to be rushed to the hospital. Obviously. (Just don’t try to call Mommy because she’ll be unconscious in nothing-land for another 10-12 hours!)

This frees up Marcus to throw an invisibility cloak over Layla and do an extremely creepy duet with Rayna about how much they love each other with a whole lot of close-face singing. It was ALMOST as mentally scarring as Juliette and Steven Tyler’s hover-arming but couldn’t quite take the cake for all the cringes. Afterward Rayna has to tell her number 1 label star that it was “uncool” to jack Layla’s spotlight and bum rush the sacred country stage. I’m gonna guess this union will be short-lived as we all know there’s only room for one diva at Highway 65 and she belongs on Nashville’s Mount Rushmore of Hair.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Til The Pain Outweighs the Shame”

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Last night’s episode should have been called “How Rayna Got Her Groove Back.” It starts out somewhat dreary when Deacon would rather hang out with a half-conscious Bev than bang, bang, bangity bang his fiancé and then a random old man we’ve never heard of before drops out of Highway 65. But Rayna does not fret over the silver cowboy; it just gives her motivation to harness that hair full of secrets and sign a new piece of man meat.

Meanwhile, Juliette’s next tour stop is Nashville and obviously that means she has to see that family she pretends to have. Avery drops in at the house (baby in tow) only to find Juliette amidst a full-blown high school rager. His entrance is about as welcome as the Manlius cops breaking up a low-key game of beer pong with taser guns. (I clearly grew up on the rough side of the tracks.) Anyway Juliette kicks everyone out then tries to tell Avery that she loves him and the **deep swallow to mask her disgust** child. She manages to hold it without throwing things or screaming then puts it down for sleepy times so she can smooch Avery and pretend nothing even happened.

I wish nothing even happened between Garlett (work in progress) because their awksies is getting real annoying. They have a photo shoot where they stand on opposite sides of the room and radiate uncomfies. The only bright side is that Scarlett wears a boobalicious black gown instead of the typical castaways from Mary Kate Olsen’s closet that she usually wraps herself in like a wandering bird lady.

Unfortunately she quickly covers the beautiful fitted dress with a drapey, baggy sweater to kick it in the hospital with Bev, who is now alert and speaking. Her daughter and bro are overwhelmed with joy while Rayna can’t even hide the look of panic in her eyes when she sees that Bev has clawed back from the grave to take the fame that she deserves. Bev takes these fleeting moments of life to show that her head injury buzz cut has humbled her and she doles out advice about Scarlett’s dating life and apologizes for being a dirt bag mom.

Deacon still won’t leave Bev’s side so Rayna goes to the girl’s talent show by herself and as the Little Conrad’s sing a tribute to their fave band “Boulevard”, Mamma Ray is like that’s cute girls, I’m going to cash in on your favorite band breaking up by poaching the lead singer to save Highway 65. And she heads off to do just that, on a commercial flight to NYC.

Poor, sad, Avery just wants his family back and can’t see that his trainwreck of a wife is using him and whats-her-name for red carpet publicity. The infant screams through Juliette’s entire performance—which is pretty snotty because the song is actually a good one. Not everyone can be as talented as The Wiggles, so Cadence should stop being such a pretentious music snob. Ever the closeted post-partum sufferer, Juliette keeps it together onstage even though I probably would’ve dropkicked the child who dared to offer back-up wails without approval. Juliette tries to prove she can mom so hard by changing the diaper backstage in her sparkly getup. Unfortunately Cadence had a real dumpfest in her diaper and pretty much drove her mom to run away and throw out her cell phone. Maybe she should lay off of the strained peas if she wanted to keep a mother. But in all seriousness, can somebody put this baby to bed?! No wonder it won’t shut the F up, it’s front row at a concert past it’s bedtime with a diaper full of shit. Anyway, Juliette’s mama bear act is OVAH just as quickly as she can charter a private jet and get a new number.

In exciting new man meat news, Rayna just about clinches the deal with Markus Keen AKA Riley Smith AKA hottie from Disney Channel Original Movie Motocrossed. She becomes every traveler’s worst nightmare yapping for an entire flight but pretty rockstar doesn’t seem to mind because Rayna is flipping her hair and batting her eyelashes to get him to sign country and revive her dying label. Bucky informs her that Keen’s lawyers want millions and full creative control and Rayna tells him to make that deal. Girl may have her groove back but those could be her famous last words. I guess boss bitch Rayna makes Deacon horny because he finally lays it on her when she gets home and promises to stay the night instead of just hitting and quitting like he’s been doing. OBVIOUSLY in that moment Bev’s heart rate decides to take another nosedive and Deacon’s definitely not going to blame sex with Rayna for that or anything. Also not for nothing ya’ll, but it’s time to off Bev. Chase that white light, gurl, you’ve served your greater purpose in saving a beloved character that should’ve never been in danger. Deuces.

Other Things That Happened That Don’t Deserve Complete Paragraphs:

-Some random music exec is the birdie in Luke’s ear all episode telling him to drop Will Lexington and his contagious gayness. According to her, Luke could be the next Jay-Z. Um, exsqueeze me, minor character, do not EVER compare Wheels Up to Hov. Dropping an openly gay artist does not a rap empire make. Also everyone knows there’s no Jay without Bey and if I recall correctly Luke lost his Bey to a guy with a shitty liver. Nice try, though.

-Daphne gets the bitchy bathroom gossip treatment while she’s hiding in the stall. Be more cliché, Nashville.

-Layla the invisible is neglected for an entire episode by everyone who’s paid to care about her and it’s actually hilarious. The only one who seems to care is Glen, who offers to be her manager. Remember Glen? Me neither, if there ever comes a day when I don’t confuse Bucky and Glen I will deserve a pat on the back.

-“It’s not like you guys are saving lives,” Hot doc serving a cold dish of I’m smarter than you to Gunnar and proving what we already suspected, he’s a dick and will be gone soon enough. Don’t get it twisted, Doc, music is more important than meddy-sin in Nashville.

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Playlist

Best of Nashville Playlist

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Nashville is back for season four tonight and rather than dwell on the terribly predictable and overplayed story lines we have ahead of us for another full season, I decided to focus on the best aspect of this show—the music. Here’s a collection of some of the top hits from Nashville seasons 1-3. Unfortunately I’m not a huge Rayna James fan, sorry let me re-phrase, I’m a huge fan of her hair and boss bitch qualities, I’m NOT a fan of her music, so you will not find much of it here.

1. Wrong Song-Connie Britton & Hayden Panettiere AKA Rayna James & Juliette Barnes. This sassy-Deacon-tell-off is the best thing Rayna and Juliette ever collab on. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that Deacon bagged them both, but this song exists as a friendly reminder that these two frenemies are also Eskimo sisters.

2. If I Didn’t Know Better-Sam Palladio & Clare Bowen AKA Gunnar Scott & Scarlett O’Connor. If I recall correctly, this was the first song that Gunnar ever got Scarlett up onstage for and from the moment they gazed into each other’s eyes, we knew we were about to get a boatload of sexual tension via open mic night. Forever my favorite singing duo on this show, I could listen to these two have breathy harmonies until the end of time.

3. I Ain’t Leavin’ Without Your Love- Sam Palladio, Chaley Rose & Jonathan Jackson AKA Gunnar, Avery & Zoey. This was the short-lived group project of “ZAG” before everyone was like why is Zoey even here? She sucks. Then Scarlett was like joke’s over guys I’m done being retired from music and swiftly took ole Zoey’s spot in the band and sent her packing to Oklahoma or something. Anywho, this song was Zoey’s best contribution to the show.

4. A Life That’s Good- Lennon & Maisy AKA Maddie & Daphne Conrad. There is another version of this song that has the happy yet quite dysfunctional fam of Rayna, Deacon and the girls but I’m partial to anything with just the two girls…they deserve all the stage time they can get with their knockout voices.

5. Don’t Put Dirt On My Grave Just Yet- Hayden Panettiere AKA Juliette. This is one of my favorite Nashville songs, not even because it’s supes catchy but also because it’s a big middle finger from Juliette. Jeff Fordham tries to make her publicly apologize at the Grand Ole Opry for saying God doesn’t exist and instead she slams down this song and it’s sassy and fabulous. Also she gets fired and blacklisted from all country music labels but that’s neither here nor there.

6. If I Drink This Beer- Will Chase AKA Luke Wheeler. Rayna gets involved with Wheels Up right quick after a disastrous Deacon fall-out and we all just wait for the other shoe to drop. Unfortunately they dragged it out for an entire season and she holds out until their wedding day to be like jk I’ve been in love with Deacs this whole time. Luke takes it really well—naht—he turns their wedding into a free concert and sings this sad song about getting drunk with a broken heart.

7. Borrow My Heart- Clare Bowen, Jonathan Jackson & Sam Palladio AKA Scarlett, Avery & Gunnar. This was performed as “SAG” because S booted the Z out and then once they realized they were a fire flames band, they decided to change their name to the Triple X’s. Much better. Probably not at all awkward that everyone on this show has banged each other and also sang about it.

8. Tell Me (Acoustic)- Audrey Peeples AKA Layla Grant. I’m a pretty avid Layla hater, mostly because she almost never sings then married a gay guy, then got together with the most hated character ever and thought he loved her but putting all fictional character judgments aside, she really crushes it on this one. No pageantry, just good vocals.

9. This Town- Claire Bowen & Charles Esten AKA Scarlett & Deacon Claybourne. Scarlett and Uncle Deac, always the perfect pair of introverts both hate the whole Hollywood aspect of being a musician and feel like they don’t belong so they wah-wah about it in this great piano tune.

10. Heart On Fire- Lennon & Maisy Stella AKA Maddie & Daphne. When these two cherubs are singing it makes it very easy to forget how insufferable Maddie actually is in her angsty teen years. I believe this number is from the episode when Jeff “the creep” Fordham strikes a blackmail deal with Teddy to get Maddie signed to his label so he could profit off of her melodies and box out little Daphne. This song should stand as proof that the dream team should never be separated.

11. What If I Was Willing- Chris Carmack AKA Will Lexington. This is a country HIT from ya closeted boy, Will. One of his first songs and a sure banger, things sort of went downhill for him, probably a side effect of hiding your sexuality on a reality show with your wife, but fingers crossed now that he’s out and dating a songwriter the hits will start flowing again.

12. Have A Little Faith- Maisy Stella & Will Chase AKA Daphne & Luke. This one is included because it tugged at my heartstrings. Ever the dramatic Maddie leaves a benefit the two of them are supposed to perform at to be with HER REAL DAD, DEACON. Little Daphz is like it’s cool I’ll just hang out by myself while you two kick it with your real family and Teddy does something genuinely nice and asks Luke to bring Daphne up onstage for this adorbz duet. Also she’s like 11…that voice…damn gurl.

13. Fade Into You- Sam Palladio & Clare Bowen AKA Scarlett & Gunnar. It seemed fitting to end with another golden duet hit. We’re about to be four seasons in and these two are still not quite done with fading into each other (if ya know what I mean) so this song will forever be relevant.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville Recap-“You’re Lookin’ At Country”

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Here it is folks, the moment we’ve all been waiting for since the first preview 3 weeks ago and 1000 teasers in between …the fake but creepily realistic CMA’s. There were more than a few times that I had to literally tell myself that these are fictional country singers and that I already watched the real CMA’s. Everyone who is anyone is at the CMA’s, which of course means has-beens Scarlett and Deacon are watching from the couch. (To be fair Deacon was invited but he’s all about the music and not about the awards, or so he says, realistically he’s avoiding the Rayna show live.) And make no mistake about it, the CMA’s this year are ALL about Rayna, and we finally get to see the thread of Ruke/Layna’s sham of a relationship begin to unravel more and more…and it is glorious.

The couple doomed from the start, kicks off the CMA’s with Rayna stumbling upon Luke’s pre-nup which will be discussed ad nauseum when Rayna isn’t snatching up all the awards. Don’t worry Rayna, you won’t make it to the altar so there is no need to be concerned about the pre-nup, girl. She forgets about it for a little while when they sit front row at the CMA’s (I mean, obviously) and Rayna starts her winning streak, ya’ll. Award after award she thanks everyone but Luke and we get to see him lose his cool and hit the bottle. Jealousy’s not a good look on you, Luke. Her first thank you is to Deacon…then Liam–essentially she reads a list of all the musicians she’s banged, on live television. GIRL POWER. Luke reacts with some seriously bitchy eye rolls and refills his whiskey. Now this is an awards show where I was waiting on the edge of my seat to see the audience cam on Luke rather than Taylor Swift’s dance moves for a change. His jelly belly reactions were a show all by itself. Finally the CMA’s throw him a bone for his first win-with Rayna of course-for ball and chain. The worst song I’ve ever heard, if we’re being honest. Luke gets his time to act out and it is SO worth it. He grabs the mic, gives a sly backhanded thank you along the lines of, “Rayna should feel blessed and lucky that I chose her to duet with” and then big times her off the stage before she can thank the guy she lost her virginity to. This of course causes Rayna to follow Luke into the men’s room where they duke it out. Luke goes all mean girl and drops a truth bomb right in Ray’s grillpiece that the only reason Rayna got a gold record is because he proposed to her on the day she released it. BOOM. ROASTED. Sassy Luke is here to stay! Just kidding…he grovels immediately after the show and everything is AOK (wink, wink). Also because when Rayna wins Entertainer of the Year she is the mature, bigger person and after thanking her girls (I too, was thankful that they were absent, probably canoodling with their future stepbrothers) and shouting it out to women in country music, Rayna looks right at Luke and with a fake smile says “what’s mine is yours, I share this with you.” Take notes, ladies, because that’s how to deliver a burn. Say it with your eyes, not your words. Although the reporter asking Luke how he likes being Mr. Rayna James worked wonders as well. Here’s to hoping that the writers cut this Ruke/Layna shit soon because another few months of hearing the overuse of babe and I love you to soothe the tension in this relationship will be unbearable.

From one floundering couple to the next, we get to see the tried and true formula for Juliette and Avery’s story line of a problem leading to them almost getting back together again. At this rate they’ll be reuniting in no time. Juliette shows off her 12 months pregnant baby belly in her designer gown and we all get to relish the realism of this show. This is a real dramatic episode for Juliette as she keeps having druggie mama flashbacks and memories resurfacing of her trailer trash childhood. Avery shows us a different side when we meet his parents and soon learn that his dad is a real dick. This episode is about them trying to grasp that they might end up terrible parents because their examples sucked. We get to see Juliette as an 8 year old, red pumps wearing, hussy leaving a child at home and hittin the clubs, which was a real treat. In the end though, once Avery and Juliette share a touching baby moment, it’s a girl…Juliette peeked of course, they both decide that they’re going to be bomb ass parents and then Avery takes her home and unzips her dress and we have about one episode left until he gives in. Also I sincerely wish that they will stop making sexual innuendos between these two until after the birth because she is seriously huge, like Kim Kardashian orca status.

Although the CMA’s are the main focus of the night, the writers can’t help but stir up even more drama at the awards show by making Gunnar’s son go missing in an enclosed arena with a shit ton of security. The fresh parents get caught up in the glitz and glamour of Nashville’s biggest night and allow Micah to go to the bathroom by himself…which I think we all assumed he could handle considering he’s basically in middle school. Well the kid proved to be a moron and got lost looking for the bathroom and instead of just asking someone to lead him back to his dad’s seat..the guy was nominated for an award I think people would be able to figure out where he is…a big scene is created instead. In true Gunnar fashion, he immediately blames Zoey for losing the little runt and then promptly misses winning his first CMA while looking for him. Gunnar has completely lost his chill and basically files a missing persons report with the event policeman…he’s been gone for 10 minutes Gunnar, have you ever seen a cop show? Kid’s gotta be gone for 48 hours before you can report him missing, duhs. Finally when they find the little booger he demands to just go home. Kids literally ruin everything. Zoey realizes that as well and we get our most rewarding moment of the episode when she FINALLY breaks up with Gunnar because he treats her like the toilet paper that was probably stuck to Micah’s shoe. One dead end relationship down, one more to go.

My honorable mentions for side stories this week go out to Layla doing everything she can to shed the dumbass Jessica Simpson label. Reading a diss about herself straight from the teleprompter didn’t help her case so she rebounded with a quick fact about how she deferred Harvard. This led to someone remixing it for Youtube and easily being 100x more interesting and entertaining than her reality show or their lame duet performance. Screaming crowds of fan girls throwing their panties at Will was ironic at best during said performance– so it looks like we’re going to continue to keep him locked tightly in the closet for the foreseeable future. The writers attempted to give Sadie a storyline but it was so lame it deserved no more than 5 minutes of our time. She’s got an ex-boyfriend named Pete who wants a cut of her song about him. Yeah, yeah, go cry to Taylor Swift, Sadie, I’m sure she’s been there before. Yawn city. And unfortunately we see the return of Bachelor Teddy this week as he pursues his gutterslut call girl during the awards. Ugh.

Top Cringeworthy Moments:

-Gunnar combing his son’s hair before the awards like a mom.I half expected him to lick his finger and get a smudge off his face too.

-Bachelor Teddy making slimy comments about “pleasing his constituents” and then taking his hooker into the back room for a quickie. It was on the house…her treat.

-Whatever the people in post production did to create a very creepy life-like 8 year old Juliette with her present day face. I don’t know how it was done but it was suuuuper weird.

-Jeff Fordham approaching Zoey with a possible offer to join his women-hating record label and she lapped that shit right up.

We get another two week break from this debauchery, so please use it wisely. The next new episode will be Christmas and what looks like a realllyyyy cheesy Christmas carol duet with Ruke/Layna but if that text from Deacon was any indication, shit’s about to get real, real quick.
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