Nashville- “What I Cannot Change”

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It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for…Juliette’s back from post-partum rehab (fictionally and IRL) and she’s here to STAY. Maybe? Upon her homecoming she is offered a part in a Spielberg movie that films in Prague. Yeah, ok. Subpar country singer who’s known for being a real diva then disappears for two months gets offered a highly coveted Hollywood role. Yup, this adds up. Also let’s not gloss over this hot PR person she’s hired to cover up her vizzy to rehab. I suspect there will be more with him later and then he’ll disappear like every other new character. (Ahem, Vita.) Juliette sees Avery for the first time since ignoring her daughter’s trip to the hospital in favor of booze and pills and immediately asks for more time with their infant child that she used to hate with the fire of a thousand suns. Then she serenades Cadence with an original ditty (did she take voice lessons in rehab?) and Avery caves. She comes clean to the press, drops out of the movie and is rewarded with more tummy time with Cadence. Not for nothing, but she looks like a bangpiece at that press conference. Apparently rehab was good to her because the side braid, red lips and flower dress were killin it.

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Someone who’s not so much killin it is Frankie, the sober bar owner that we’re supposed to care about and yet I can’t even muster up an aww when he “celebrates” his 15 years sober while probably drunk. (Due to being a jelly belly of Deacon.) He’s grumpy and he mumbles everything he says so I have a hard time sympathizing, but boy did I love it when he told Deacon, “You erased me the second you hung that sign out there with your dead sister’s name on it.” DON’T SPEAK ILL OF BEVERLY AROUND DEACON OR HE’LL INTRODUCE HIS FISTS TO YOUR FACE, BOY. JK they make up and Deacon admits that he’s been acting like a real Johnny-come-lately douchearoni to Frankie’s bar. Frankie is reminded to take his sobriety like I must take his unwanted storyline on this show, one day at a time.

Meanwhile, Colt calls Luke and is like, “hey long time no chat, can you sign a waiver so I can join the army? Kthxbyeeeee.” Luke drives out to the country to tell him no and Colt’s like whatevs I’ll do it when I turn 18 in a couple months anyway. Hey Colt, if you were months away from being legal, why did you ask your dad to sign the waiver in the first place? Be dumber. Luke tries to talk some sense into Colt about how terrifying it is to be overseas and be near an IED explosion and sassy Colt fires back with “Granddad said you were on a VIP convoy” LoLz. Shh, Luke. You’re coming off real stupid right now. But then, miraculously, it turns into a teaching moment. Colt enlists and Luke learns not to be afraid of the gays, so he signs Will again and apologizes for dropping him like a hot potato.

Rayna is trying to sell the new and improved Layla and she does that thing where they name drop to give viewers a wink wink nudge nudge and then decide on a fictional character to take Layla on tour instead. For example, OH DID YOU HEAR BACK FROM LADY A?! Yeah you’re right Bucky; Autumn Chase would be better suited for Layla. *Mostly because she doesn’t exist in real life country music. I’m also not loving the fact that they cast my most hated Hallmark holiday movie actress as the latest made up country star with a dumb name.

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At her showcase, Layla plays a lame song that everyone nods their heads right off to and the show ends with Rayna plugging her merch table. Snatch up those t-shirts ya’ll, you never know when someone might pity Layla and take her on tour, so you best be ready with 100% cotton! In another revelation that made me hate Autumn, she greets Layla with “Hey Gal.” Bye Gal. Naturally she watches the Exes play at the Bluebird, sees that they’re 1000x better than Layla’s guitar solo that’s comparable to Nick Jonas’ at the ACM’s and picks the duo to open up for her on tour. Saaarrryy Layla. Avery’s busy being superdad and orchestrating a mother/daughter reunion to answer her sobbing call. Oh, and also Vita’s still missing without a trace and FiNgeRz CroSsEd she’s never found. On the other hand, wouldn’t protest to a lot more Riff…or sex. I feel like no one on this show has gotten laid in a century. Might make their music better, jus sayin.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “If I Could Do It All Again”

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As if it wasn’t enough that Vita and Riff were tossed into the Nashville mix last week, get yourself ready for a one episode appearance of Sienna. COME ON WITH THESE NAMES. Sienna is a single mommy who salivates over Avery at the park and they go on a date and make out a little bit. Everything’s fine and dandy until Avery spends their entire second date yip yapping about Juliette. I guess that’s a turn-off for Sienna so she’s out. She’ll go back to gossiping about how hawt Avery is with the other playground mommies and maybe toss in some deets about their mack sesh to make the others jelly.

Kind of like Layla, who could not BE more jelly of Avery dating someone. Cause she just thinks he’s like SUPER smart and SUPER creative. So obviously that means they should bang so she can get back at Juliette for killing her boyfriend or whatever. You know, normal stuff. She’s grinning from ear to ear when she finds out that it didn’t work out with Avery and his park biddy, so that’s still a thing that’s going to happen, I guess.

Our new shady friend Vita claims to Rayna that she would never steal, so we all Gucci. She’s definitely not shady at all because Rayna’s gullible AF. Don’t worry though because Frankie shouts at her later and she’s like yah I totes stole it but I was gonna pay it back I swear. Rayna has to let Vita go and then in attempts to create more drama surrounding this weird addition to the show, there’s an altercation at her car/home later! WHAT WILL HAPPEN WITH VITA? DO WE CARE? No.

The Colt and Maddie teen love saga also continues this week when Colt shows up with flowers because his Granddad says actions speak louder than words. If that’s the case, Maddie then hopping in the car with Cash and then bringing Colt as a third wheel to the Bluebird should speak volumes. While the three of them eat dinner, Colt’s like being a famous singer is for lames, my Granddad fought in Vietnam and he’s my hero. Maddie and Cash are like, but did your granddad get hits on his YouTube vid orrr? Turns out Maddie’s new bestie is a REAL c-block. She sings a song Maddie wrote about Colt getting all up in her pants, then says they have plans like forever so Maddie and Colt can’t hang & bang. They find some time anyway, to break up, but don’t worry because Cash is there to comfort Maddie (lesbehonest) and the army is there to comfort Colt, so he can be just like Granddad.

And for a quick update on my new fave DILF, Riff, it turns out one can’t just walk back onstage fifteen years later and crush it. Probably shouldn’t have hyped his return up so much, Luke. Riff’s a real dick about it and peels out to go to his kid’s soccer game. WHAT a badass. But finally, he can admit that he’s sucktown and ask for some training. He slays live because it’s super realistic for someone to learn vocals and guitar for a full set in mere hours. In other things I don’t really care about, Frankie’s real jealz that Deacon gets more attention and credit for The Beverly so when Riff calls Deacon up onstage, Frankie dramatically goes into the back room and hits the booze. Bye, bye Beverly!

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “How Does It Feel To Be Free”

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Rayna and Deacon are supposedly country royalty, with I would assume quite a large net worth (more than Luke Wheeler, heyyooo) and yet they still didn’t honeymoon after their top-secret barn wedding? What kind of bullshit is this? These two couldn’t jet away from the paps and their whiny daughters for a couple of weeks in St. Barts? Nope, it’s just back to work for these two, which means taking down chairs at The Beverly for Deacon and sniffing out new weirdos to sign to her label for Rayna. Enter: new character Vita who has a unique voice and a criminal background. Deyna believes in her but they’re not THAT powerful because this sketchball ends up scooping some cashiche from the till after her first waitressing shift. Oopsie, not every shy woman is the next Sadie Stone..oh wait…she shot her husband. So maybe Vita IS the next Sadie Stone. Bonus points for originality.

While we’re on the topic of poverty, let’s talk about how Forbes dedicated a whole cover to how poor Luke is. WHEELS DOWN. Luke literally goes on a radio show to talk about his embezzlement. So that’s a new thing. Usually artists do interviews for promo press, Luke apparently does interviews so that a bunch of haters can call in to shout about how much he sucks. In order to sell tix again, Luke tries to spring Juliette out of rehab and plop her right back on tour away from her baby. Good call, Luke. Thankfully Juliette’s on lockdown and his plan doesn’t pan out. He runs into his ole pal from the road named Riff, yes that’s right, a DILF named Riff. TWO new characters—and weird names to learn in one episode!!! Whatever did we do to deserve this!? Riff remembers how down to earth Luke is and doesn’t think he’s a giant moron for not noticing the embezzlement of millions of dollas. Luke convinces Riff to hit the road with him and sorpresa—it’s about to be a family tour! Except Luke’s kids hate him, minor detail.

One of those kids, (weren’t there three at one point? Now we’ve whittled it down to 2 children he never sees) Colt would rather be a ranch hand than hear what Maddie ate that day via telephone. Although it may be easy to take Colt’s side on this because Maddie is preeeettty insufferable, the truth is finally set free about their pre-show fornication. Maddie confirms that they did the deed and now she’s sad because he’d rather shovel manure than do her. Cash(?), her writing pal, tells her to channel all those feels into a song and makes Maddie believe she’s an adult, which is pretty laughable. Sw33t harmonies though, until Daphne peers through the window with those sad left out eyes. Something tells me the Conrad sisters record deal ain’t gonn’ happen. Props to Maddie for dialing up Colt before it’s time to feed the pigs the slop, and demanding a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Someone who finally bucks up and gets the respect of Nashville is ya boy, Will. After taking a beer bottle to the schnozz from a hick who doesn’t LOVE gays, Will refuses to give a statement so the guy can be convicted of a hate crime. Instead, Will maturely uses his stage time to fight back. The next night, he buys the homophobe a drink and tells him AIN’T NOBODY GONNA STOP ME FROM SINGIN LIKE A BIRD! You get down with your bad self, Will. Sing it! Also, maybs ice your face a little more.

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Also, Avery and Juliette are officially D-town after he bullies her to make a public statement (without seeing her, because she’s supes fragile after being responsible for a death, and stuff.) The Layla pursuing Avery storyline progresses just as we expected and I hate it. They’ll be hooking up in 2 weeks time. What a devious twat that Layla is. Also, Scarlett catches roadie hoe Erin macking on some other dude and immediately tattles to Gunnar. He’s not really jelly about it so he cuts her loose and the Scarlett/Gunnar will they/won’t they dance continues, until this show gets cancelled. New twist: Scarlett dating the taxidermy creep. Oh, what crazy shenanigans these two get into. LAUUGHHHH!

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Forever and For Always”

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Real talk, this could’ve been the series finale. (I wish it were.) There’s no better and more perfect ending than the long-awaited country wedding for Deacon and Rayna. Four years in the making, the wedding was not without a liiiiittle drama but in the end everything was adorbsicles.

All smooching drama with Markus Keen is long forgotten as the past month has been SUCH a whirlwind for Rayna planning her wedding and doing his press tour. Ray, don’t act like you can’t afford the world’s best wedding planner. I’m assuming that’s who this random bitch is who shows up 10 minutes into the episode to interrupt Daphne and Maddie singing? Seriously, the little angels are onstage dedicating a new song to Deacon and Rayna and everyone on God’s green earth finds this as an opportune time to chitchat with the couple. Maddie continues to rub it in Daphne’s face that HER dad isn’t rotting in jail for some money laundering and hooker timez. This doesn’t sit well with Daphne, I guess because she stops singing. After the rehearsal dinner, the paparazzi ask Maddie which dad she likes better and Deacon decks him. Then our new random character that plans weddings slash does PR (?) for Rayna announces that the paps have learned her wedding location and so now they have to get married in a barn and take a lot of decoy rides to this top secret location. Ugh, the lives of the rich and famous.

Also, hey, Tandy’s back, ya’ll! PS she still hates Deacon and she’s spreading that hate through the Conrad family like wildfire. After the paps incident, Maddie’s questioning whether Deacon is a rage-aholic as well as an alcoholic cause she’s not dramats or anything. And Daphne pulls the ole cough cough I’m sick, like no one is going to question her missing her own mother’s wedding. This obviously causes Deacon to freak out like a baby betch and peace right outta there. BYYYEEEE DEACON, HOPE YOU FIND YOUR BAAALLLLSSS!!

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At the wedding of the century, we have a couple of comebacks. Layla’s back. She left town because her boyfriend died saving Juliette from a drunken suicide. Remembs? Bucky throws a generic “it gets better” toward her. Real supportive stuff. Colt is also back (without his poor AF dad) and wastes no time scrambling over to Layla and revealing the truth. She promptly boots and then devises a sneaky plan to get back at Juliette because how else would you get over your shitty boyfriend’s death?

The ragtag gang of Will, Avery, Scarlett and Gunnar successfully make Rayna’s wedding all about themselves. Will is being blacklisted by the closeted gay Wade Cole and doesn’t want to attend such a high profile wedding and have to talk about his life, so he sits this one out. Avery should have sat this one out because apparently Nashville is a place where semi-famous people and other country singers think that it’s appropriate to ask Avery no less than 1 million personal questions about Juliette, who he has to keep lying about. Seriously, I don’t buy it that anyone would be this interested in his life. What a bunch of asshole friends Rayna has. And of course, Gunnar vows to be Scarlett’s wingman and sucks at it, much like he sucks at picking women. Apparently he’s still “dating” roadie ho Erin? Scarlett’s like wah all these guys are terrible and ends up swaying in Gunnar’s arms because OF COURSE.

The three drama Q’s who are trying to sabotage Rayna’s wedding all change their tune when Rayna’s like hey guess what I’m marrying Deacon so ya’ll can GTFO if you can’t be Team Deyna. Jk she only does that to Tandy—to the girls she’s a little more sensitive, which they don’t deserve for being such turds and causing their mom stress on her wedding day.

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Meanwhile, Deacon’s chilling with dead Bev. This seemed like the perfect time for ghost Bev to make a comeback and roll her eyes at the premise of Deacon marrying Rayna but alas, I think we’ve finally seen the last of ghost Bev. Instead, Frankie tails Deacon and tells him to haul ass back to his wedding and stop being such a chump.

Finally, the moment has arrived and Deacon makes it back just in the nick of time to not look like a total d-bag. Scarlett & Gunnar’s “When the right one comes along” plays over the wedding montage of some real sappies. First thing’s first, let’s address Rayna’s wedding look. The dress is great; I have no problems with the dress. I do have a problem with tying her famous loose waves to one side and tossing a weird bun pinned in the back. What is happening there? LET IT FLOW, RAYNA. Don’t mess with it!!! Anyway, the vows are lovely (we get it, LONG time coming) and there’s no mention of Deacon almost killing his bride to be, so that’s nice! The kiss and dip was a real SWOOON and even better is when Deacon slow dances with his girls to make sure they don’t hate him anymore. This fam couldn’t have been happier than if they were sangin’ “A Life That’s Good”.

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Sidebar: not everyone’s happy because apparently the honeymoon’s over for Colt and Maddie now that he’s like REAL into his farm chores and BFF Granddad now. It was fun while it lasted I guess, but Colt can’t live the bad boy life foreva. He’s seen some shit. Also Avery leaves the wedding abruptly in tears. So things are a little dicey on his end.

For the grand romantic finale, Deacon carries Rayna over the country house threshold, serenades her with a slow ditty and then they bang it out right there on the couch. HUZZAH!

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “We’ve Got Nothing But Love To Prove”

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Well as far as fall finales go…that was…boring. I mean, Deacon and Rayna are engaged (FINALLY!) and Will got a HEARTY thigh graze from Wade Cole. But other than that? Avery leads the anti-Juliette brigade and by way of association, Anti-Emily. Yes that’s right, the woman who has essentially been Avery’s live-in bitch since Juliette started her all booze n pills diet is dead to Avery now. Why? Cause she visited Juliette in post-partum rehab. When Avery tries to justify this aggressive move to the other dads at daycare (Will & Gunnar) he’s all yeah we should probably kill Emily because she betrayed me. Right, guys? RIGHT?! Cady’s BFF’s were like you’re the worst, go get Emily back. And after some more yelling and a chat with Juliette’s doc, that’s exactly what he does. Gawd, Avery’s so uptight now.

He may be a real dick but this makes for a hilarious grumpy dad dynamic with the whole three men and a baby shtick. Will stretched out on the puzzle play mat blowing bubbles with Cady and Gunnar beelining it to her when he gets home from tour only to be broken up by Avery shouting NO MORE JULIETTE was hilarious. I expected him to storm in the room waving a wooden spoon. Guy REALLY doesn’t want his baby recognizing her mom on TV. ALSO: NO MORE TV. What a lame dad.

Also lame: Luke’s plot twist that dethrones his entire ALMOST Jay-Z brand is that his business manager embezzled millions then went off the grid with all his stolen cash. Womp womppp now Luke owes 40 million in back taxes. Watching Luke pretend to know things about money while coming up with a solution was almost as funny as Scarlett still dating a doctor.

That same doctor who got a promotion in Seattle. Since I had washed my hands of this relationship about 400 episodes ago, I was surprised to see that they had to drag the breakup out this long. Caleb vows to stay in Nashville for Scarlett and she’s like SHIT. They break up, naturally as they should have after their first date full of Scarlett reciting medical terms from Webster-Merriam. Caleb stays super calm about it by saying he’s not like Scarlett because he’s normal. OHHH ZING, CALEB. Did you get that one from the insult store? BYE FELICIA.

Even though Maddie apologized for being the meanest sister on this earth, it’s not looking like she’s had an attitude adjustment just yet. She scowls while eating imitation fruit loops as Daphne sings a beautiful banjo melody at the breakfast bar. SINCE WHEN IS HAVING AN ANGEL VOICE CHILDISH, MADDIE?! Also on the topic of Maddie—now that Colt has moved in with Gramps did that just end their passionate love in a tour bus affair? People don’t forget. This modern day Romeo and Juliet of “my parents are the WOOOORSSTTT” relationship better not have faded into the dust. Or replaced by cool girl country singer Cash, who happens to be Frankie’s daughter. She opened up for Kacey Musgraves so she’s got mad kewl points in the teens with a record deal world of Nashville. Maddie and her get all BFF in five minutes and want to write together—without Daph. I hope Daphne becomes a YouTube sensation from her banjo crooning and stomps Maddie in fame to teach her a lesson about treating her like she’s in diapers.

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And of course, we can’t forget our favorite country threesome. Deacon may have purchased the ring but he doesn’t have moves quite like Markus. It’s about to be Markus’s country debut at an outdoor concert and he’s freaking out like a little baby bitch. Rayna has to pet his hair and shush him to get him to calm down about all this.

He’s done being colicky when the big night arrives and he lurks backstage with a flask. Rayna strolls up wearing a sparkle jacket, matching scarf and a fedora. She takes a swig from Markus’s flask and it GIVES ME LIFE. I wanted to kiss Rayna then, so totes understandable if Markus was having some thoughts as well. Anyway, let’s not get distracted by girl crush fantasies, the diva’s song started out sounding like Fallout Boy but took a turn for the better. I could kinda get down with it.

After the show everyone’s like omg Markus you’re amahhhzinnggg and record downloads are high and the crowd was eating that shit up so Markus takes Rayna up to the roof with a bottle of Dom to do some unsolicited kissing. Seriously, Rayna has a mouthful of bubbly when Markus goes in for the kill. He probably just wanted a sip of champagne from her mouth guys, totes innocent. JK he forcefully tells her YOU KNOW WE HAVE CHEMISTRY and she shouts RESPECT MY BOUNDARIES before she disappears into a cloud of smoke and glitter. (PS Pay up, Dad. When I predicted this trajectory 3 weeks ago Den was like nah he’s not hitting on her. LoLz.)

Not one to be scorned by a lover that’s probably twice his age, Markus decides to toss Boulevard back togets and leave Rayna high and dry because she didn’t really need mouth to mouth CPR just from taking a swig of champagne. Deacon is Mr. Jelly Belly about that punk kissing his lady and delivers the line of the night with, “You’re going to talk to Markus in the middle of a fight about Markus?” The answer is yes. Yes she is. Rayna’s even late to the opening of The Beverly. She misses Deacon and Scarlett’s lively kickoff song dedicated to….wait for it…Beverly. When she finally shows up reeking of desperation because she just begged a guy who raped her mouth not to leave Nashville, Deacon yells at her a little more then is like never mind will you marry me? The answer of course, is yeah ok. Can’t believe she wasn’t wearing her concert outfit for the proposal. That would’ve been so0o instagram worthy. Do you think Rayna ‘grammed the ring? Or like, because it’s her third…maybe it’s less social media friendly. Things to think about over the next few months because we won’t see a Nashville return until March (this sentence made me VERY relieved.) Enjoy the break!

I’m engaged, ya’ll!

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Three’s A Crowd”

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I was hoping this was the winter finale but unfortunately we have one more week before we get a well-deserved break from the depraved lives of the sad sacks of Nashville. This week, Colt took a page out of Maddie’s bitch teen book and really amped up the LIFE ISN’T FAIR and I HATE YOU’s for some QT with Luke. Gabriella goes out on a limb as the girlfriend trying to impress the kids with, “So Colt, your dad tells me your pretty big into hip hop,” like she’s talking to a 6 year old and not a teenager who witnessed a guy plummeting to his death. Stay irrelevant, Gabriella, don’t eva change. Luke tries to take Colt fishing so they can bond and also so his son can sign a nondisclosure about the death he witnessed that Luke is sweep, sweep, sweeping under the rug. Daddy issues bubble over when it turns out Luke actually needs to do a Forbes photo shoot. Is Luke even that famous? Anyway, dad almost punches son and son moves in with grandpa, you know, the usual. Hey Luke you’re a shitty dad and your girlfriend’s about to leave you once the work dries up. Boom, roasted.

Scarlett and Caleb’s relationship progresses in that they drag it out for another week REFUSING TO BREAK UP WHEN THEY’RE TERRIBLE TOGETHER. Scarlett surprises Caleb on her day off and he’s like sarrryyy I’m busy. When he finally gets home, Scarlett is waiting for him in a nice Maidenform bra to seduce him I guess? I mean this scene was about as sexy as a Nickelodeon cartoon. Obviously not overcome with the need to bed his girlfriend who’s only in town for 24 hours, Caleb opts for a solo shower sesh. THIS ALONE POINTS TO DUMPSVILLE, Population: Scarlett. But no…later for pillow talk, Scarlett (wearing nothing but a beaded Navajo choker) tells a story about someone on the tour bus falling out of the bunk with a thong on and Nick talks about his clinical trial. Are these two compatible, or what?! It all blows up when Doc loses his baby bitch temper as he’s known to do once a week and shouts -I DEAL WITH PEOPLE WITH CANCER, NOT SING FOR FREE BEER. And yet…they stay together. Their entire relationship has a whole dad hit mom at the dinner table and we all need to act casual feel to it. Dr. Caleb is an asshole. Get him outta here.

Since I naturally tend to clump them together because they both send me to Snoozetown, Avery visits the poorhouse this week while Will thumbs his nose at a high-paying songwriting gig just because country singers think they’re going to catch the gay from working with him. Avery has quickly taken Layla’s place as the sad sap of the show. Everything in his life soooooks. He can’t book a gig on his own anymore and when he finally does he has to cancel it for a jingle because it pays more and lil screamer’s gotta eat, I guess. LoLz to Emily offering to launder money from Juliette’s account for a quick loanski AS IF that’s totes legal. Look, I can sympathize with Avery’s shitty life because I deal with being a poor person every day but like I also don’t need to relive it on TV every Wednesday. This is not interesting television. At one point Avery preaches to Will, “What we want to do and what we need to do don’t always line up.” And SHIT that’s depressing, but also #blessed because at least I don’t have an infant to support on an unemployed salary. Tough stuff, lesson learned.

Rayna still hasn’t learned that Markus is trying to bang her and it’s actually kind of cute that she’s so naïve to her mad cougar vibes. Markus finally meets Deacon—calls him Freakin’ Deacon and wraps him in an aggressive bear hug (thus deducting hot points) and shouts with glee that he NEEDS to work with the Deaconator. Yeah, yeah whatever we see where this little ménage a trois is going. Unfortunately for all of us, Markus is so eager to be the meat in a Deacon-Rayna sandwich that he coins them “the dream team” and goes to the record store to stock up on every song Deacon ever released (I’m assuming they were in a cardboard box marked “Vintage”.) For a quick giggle, the original “dream team” refers to the ‘92 US basketball team in the Olympics, but sure, a recovering alcoholic who doesn’t play anymore, a country singer turned declining label owner and a surly rocker who everyone refuses to work with TOTES equals a dream team. Before they can even win a gold medal there’s a little tussle over changing lyrics for a song, Deacon handles it real well, by stomping around with his fingers in his ears and shouting that Markus obviously wants to bang one out with Rayna. Rayna is like WHO, ME?! *hair flip* then skips on over to Markus’s hotel—where he’s just stepping out of the shower in an open cardigan. Markus agrees that their relationship is just business then winks and closes the door. He’ll be forcing himself upon Rayna in due time. In due time. (Next week.) Something tells me there’s trouble amongst the dream team.

ALSO Gunnar finally writes a song that I like with NO whining whatsoever. He was supes inspired by slumming it with roadie Erin, who wears a fedora and touches statue bewbz. And for all the cringes in the world, Maddie goes full on BIIIIITCH and curb stomps her innocent lil sis by treating her like she’s a member of Barney and Friends then actually comparing her fashion sense to Kidz Bop. KIDZ BOP. I didn’t think there could be anything more insulting this episode. Have your ears ever bled to the tune of a chorus of children singing today’s pop hits? Just the commercial alone makes me want to go deaf forever. Seriously, whatever genius thought hey, I know how to make top ten radio hits catchier, let’s have children get in a recording studio and sing along to them like they’re performing at their 3^rd grade concert! GENIUS. It’s like the Kars for Kids jingle, but 13 of them, on a CD, that’s sold for profit. GAH. But I digress, Maddie laughs right in Daphne’s face just for trying to be more like her and it’s terribly sad and I want to cuddle little Daphne bear and tell her it gets better but because they’re sisters they’ve made up five minutes later.

I never thought I’d say this but like…I think I want Teddy back. I mean I’m literally begging for the mayor who used to bang call girls and try to keep it on tha DL to come back to this show. That’s where we’re at. #FREETEDDY. Let’s get it trending, guyz.

Nashville, Television, Uncategorized

Nashville- “Unguarded Moments”

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I forgot for a while how much I hated Maddie. She was still acting like a whiny teenage turd but she was doing it by having rebellious sex and hitting the stage instead of throwing huffy tantrums and crying about how life was unfair. But alas, Maddie the insufferable teen is back and dominates last night’s episode. She kicks things off by sending a selfie to her boyfriend (I’m assuming) followed by, “I’m blonde now, do you like it?” This is how Maddie sexts…from her little sister’s phone. EDGY. Also, wasn’t she always blonde? I’m not really seeing the difference.

Colt probably wasn’t very jazzed about his maybe girlfriend’s hair being lightened by a shade because he’s now in therapy. Ya know, cause he witnessed a death and his dad is a real d-bag lately. Seriously what’s the deal with Luke? He kinda sucks now. And how did Colt get stuck with his shitty parenting? Where are the other woodland creatures that he calls children…I feel like they got the better end of the deal in that they dodged watching a man tumble to his messy death. Regardless, Colt “doesn’t need Kid Rock or a therapist, he needs a dad who gives a crap about telling the truth.” BOOM. (My dad really wanted me to add a boom after that line. All boom credit goes to him.) But actually, Kid Rock? Really? The guy who ripped the riff from Sweet Home Alabama for a shitty summer country song is going to chit chat with Colt about hip hop? Be better, Luke.

Luke doesn’t try that hard to be better when he cries about how everything is his fault (it kinda is) and Gabriella kisses the pain away without being fired first this time. I guess they’ve decided to be together and like still focus on work too. He confesses to Colt so there are no secrets (except for the massive one he’s keeping about Jeff not actually committing suicide.) Colt’s like no shit, I know everything.

Rayna doesn’t really know anything because she’s been in the studio with Markus for like 2 full days while Deacon plays Mr. Mom to her little freshly bleached Satan. Something tells me Deacon is not really loving the whole parenting thing because he run, run, runs as fast as he can to that shitty bar to be named after his dead sis. To be clear, the bar is still a dumb story line that deserves no words and it’s starting to look like his friend and former sponsor Frankie is getting less and less jazzed about Deacon only paying halfsies and going demolition derby on the bar five minutes after buying in.

While Deacon is avoiding his home life by ripping dry wall, Scarlett is on the road and avoiding the fact that she has the most boring relationship in the world. How much longer are we going to put up with this? She had the dramatic hair change and now she needs to shed the high school boyfriend while she’s off at college, or in this case, on tour. They finally catch each other on the phone so that Caleb can pull the “I’m treating kids with cancer” card. Hey Caleb, youse a dick. Go away foreva.

Maybe he can join Erin the roadie when he leaves and finally allows Gunnar and Scarlett to be together so we stop getting this dumb musical sexual tension. As you might have guessed, the arrangement of keeping work and play separate is going swimmingly in that the second Gunnar gets a hotel for the night, play with Erin becomes priority. Due to the fact that little miss roadie prepped for the show by blowing Gunnar, she blows a fuse mid-show and ruins everything. That is, until Gunnar & Scarlett recover smoothly with an acoustic version lit by cell phones. The most unrealistic thing about this was that they didn’t end up blind after this song. I can’t see for 5 minutes after someone takes a picture with flash, I can’t imagine a small theater full of iphone lights burning my retinas. Anyway, thankfully Gunnar grows a set and tells Erin she needs to kick rocks because she clearly sucks at her job. She says she’ll take some pointers about running a soundboard and also will keep getting porked. UGH.

Double UGH to the breakup boys, Avery and Will. Avery is now recording commercial jingles and his life is pretty pathetic. He gossips about Will on the phone with Emily and they really need to stop trying so hard to make Avery and Emily seem like gal pals. She’s the babysitter, enough is enough. It turns out Will has been channeling his inner Taylor Swift, holed up in his bedroom writing breakup songs. This seems like a weird thing to hide so ferociously in Nashville, the songwriting capital of the world. He begrudgingly lets Avery perform one at the Bluebird but big-time shits his pants and leaves before the song. He really misses out too because Avery sheds some tears remembering when Juliette wasn’t a walking bottle of Vodka and in turn, a random blonde in the audience ALSO turns on the waterworks. Who cries at a concert?

Will gets an offer for his first written song that he thought was garbage, naturally, which is the opposite of Maddie’s sitch. She thinks she’s the greatest 16-year-old singer since JoJo and overhears that Sony wants to offer her a record deal but Rayna is like not so fast. YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE MOM GAWDDDDDD!!!!-Me, when my parents told me I couldn’t go to a sleepover or get the latest graphic tee from Abercrombie & Fitch…also Maddie when her mom won’t let her sign a record deal with Sony. Potato, Potahto.

Rayna has a heart to heart with Markus about her kids wanting to get into the biz and he’s NOT a dick for once. It’s great. Then it moves to the couch and gets more intimate and I bet my dad that he tries to hook up with her. I know studio Rayna, and I also know that this show has a real hard time letting two people have a private conversation that doesn’t end in macking. He grabs her hand and the sexual tension is through the roof. They didn’t end up making out but Markus TOTES wanted it, so in due time, I will win this bet. (The seed is planted, so to speak, when Deacon and Rayna do the deed later and Deacon rolls over post-romp to find a text from Markus thanking Rayna for the good talk. Deacon is about to become a green-eyed jelly belly. ALSO we NEVER get to see Rayna have sex anymore. So spicy!)

Maddie tries to tell Daphne that she got the record deal because she’s an adult now and just on another level. I guess I missed the part in society where becoming a sophomore in high school makes you an adult. Das cute, Mads. Daphne is like nobody wants me and runs away crying. Apparently the force of bully Maddie also extends to her father because Deacon has literally been avoiding the house because he thinks Maddie hates him. What a wiener. In the end they call a family meeting to tell the girls they can sign to Highway 65 as a team only. As expected, Maddie’s like this is lame and I hate everything and squashes all of Daphne’s childlike excitement about having a record deal before she gets her first period. In next week’s episode, Maddie turns into the Hulk and eats her entire family because they’re all trying to stop her from being a mature adult superstar.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Can’t Get Used to Losing You”

In the event that you forgot or are still in shock to remember, Jeff Fordham tumbled to his plot twist death a couple weeks ago. Something tells me his ghost won’t be slithering around Nashville for episodes to come unwelcome like Bev’s did. That something is his blooming TV career, but who am I to jump to conclusions? What comes as no shock to anyone is that Juliette doesn’t even know Jeff died, because her brain is drowning in booze and pills. So the assumption is made that he committed suicide, which is a poetic assumed death for someone who was such a narcissistic buhhole.

Not so fast though—don’t forget we have our little eyewitness who turns out may not be so reliable because Luke finds an empty bottle of liquor in Colt’s room. Really bruh, you made it through a party and up to your room without getting caught and you couldn’t just toss the bottle in the hallway trashcan? I remember my first beer. At least he knows how to lay on the guilt when he wails that he came to find his dad but HE WASN’T EVEN THERE! YEAH. WHERE WERE YOU LUKE?! Oopsie he was just porkin his image consultant who he fired for a few hours. Turns out her name is Gabrielle. Literally took me 5 episodes to learn it. Gabrielle listens to Colt’s confession and tells him to zip it until she can figure out how to spin this. (She was re-hired with the sunrise.) Also Jeff has a sister and she’s a real Twat with a capital T. Sis essentially tells Layla that she was just a mouth to Jeff and will not be invited to the funeral. Harsh.

As if we weren’t all reeling from the death of a character that no one really liked, Nashville was like LET’S UP THE ANTE and present to us, SCARLETT WITH A BUZZCUT. Her tangled and wild forest of a mane has quite literally been mowed off of her scalp. Caleb sees it for the first time and is like YIKES boner kill…or something nicer, I’m not sure because I was actually yelling when she debuted the worst dramatic TV haircut since Felicity. A TV show trying to save a terrible character with a haircut is laughable and I’ll take my time lawling about this one. I’ll let you guys know when I stop having giggle outbursts every time G.I. Jane is in a scene.

Even though nothing can be worse than Scarlett’s sudden impulse for a bald head, her chemistry with Caleb who’s already been around for far too long continues to be non-existent. As they grab a pre-tour dinner, Caleb’s toast is, “may The Exes future be as bright as your smile.” Scarlett responds by staring at her phone. These two are white hot. I don’t know how they’re not pawing each other right at the dinner table. Probably because they’re busy sleeping in each other’s presence since this relationship is the most boring thing to ever occur.

Gunnar is still trying to get over the fact that Scarlett is dating someone who makes her underwear drier than the Sahara and keeps casually sleeping with Erin the roadie. Then light bulb! Gunnar’s like hey you should come on tour and work for me. Not a big thang at all. No really, this story line will never be a big thing. It’s obviously a terrible decision for these two to work together and yet Gunnar agrees to it after he tries to whine about it to Will and is sternly told that everyone in America has bigger problems than this so kindly STFU.

Will and Avery become besties because they’re both sad about being dumped. What does one do when they have a case of the sadsies? Harmonize, obviously. Avery has an ugly cry one night thinking about what might have been with Juliette and right on cue Cadence is like Hey is someone crying and they didn’t invite me…how rude! And her screeches fill my ears once again. I almost got tricked too when she cracked a smile earlier in the episode. That little tease. Anyway, Will and Avery stand over her crib with goofy dad smiles and sing about her peeing in the pool. And she’s like that’ll do it, goodnight. Let’s resume my ear shattering shrieks in the morning, boys. At least that’s what I assume little miss shouts-a-lot is thinking as she decimates everyone’s eardrums.

While pretty much everyone is unaffected by Jeff’s death with most reactions spanning from “oh” to “really?” to “yeah that’s too bad”, Layla is destroyed. It doesn’t really help that their relationship was a secret and everyone’s like who dis when she tries to talk about how much they loved each other. I actually liked Will for a second when he is there to comfort Layla, and stay up all night to unpack her apt (which was packed to move in with Jeff.) What a sweetie he is when he’s caring about other people’s problems.

Juliette is the opposite of a sweetie when she tells Layla that she’s torn up about Jeff’s death because she has to get a new manager. She also aggressively tells Layla to forget about Jeff and get the F over his death already. This of course is right before she takes the stage for a tribute and says, “Jeff was my manager, he will be missed.” Damn, that’s deep. She really dug down for these sentiments. While she was digging around for emotions she happened to stumble upon the brown-out of her trip to the roof and Jeff actually saving her life. She finally asks for help and Layla takes the stage for a proper goodbye to Jeff, a yodeling song about their love. Does it make anyone else feel terrible that Layla’s entire existence is pitiful? If they don’t throw her character a bone soon they midas whale just kill her off too so at least she can reunite with her heart, Jeff. I mean girl went from marrying a gay guy and having a shitty reality show to being attacked by the press, drugged and left for dead in a pool, looked over by like every music label, underappreciated on Highway 65, in a secret relationship with her manager who was JUST about to go public with her and move in AAAAAND he’s dead. But for the GRAND finale—she thinks her boyfriend committed suicide. And she probably won’t ever know because Gabbers (formerly known as Luke’s bang buddy) checks Juliette into rehab and they sweep sweep sweep the truth of Jeff’s death under that giant Nashville rug o’ secrets. At this point killing Layla off would be a blessing; maybe everyone would appreciate her more after she’s gone, like Michael Jackson. I bet her record sales would skyrocket…she could do a concert in hologram. I’m just saying, only way to go is up, I guess?

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Please Help Me, I’m Fallin”

Nothing is more telling for Nashville fans than the dramatic announcer throwing out a tease before an episode begins. “TONIGHT will Juliette FALL to her DEATH?” Well, man who probably gets paid $40 an hour to record questions anyone with half a brain already know the answer to, I’m gonna guess if Nashville kills off a main character due to post-partum depression when the actress who plays that character just went into rehab for post-partum depression they’re going to have a bit of a PR disaster on their hands. I was confident that Juliette would not be fallin’ to her death tonight but I never would have predicted who did instead, and for that I simply offer up a golf clap to the writers who I’ve mercilessly harassed with these recaps.

Before I slobber all over the writers though, let’s not forget that this show is still not what it used to be and get the boring stuff that happened out of the way first. Gunnar turns into a glass case of emotion when he bangs the newly unemployed roadie and wants her to stay for pancakes, coffee and perhaps the rest of her life. Edgy roadie is like nah, I’m gonna uber home. Pls don’t call. Gunnar then gets down on his hands and knees scouring his floor for something she left behind and finds an earring and decides this means she wants him to call her. Like the lifetime movie that is Gunnar’s sad love affairs, he stalks the shit out of this girl to snag her digits and then tells her at length what he had to do to track down her number. Smooth. Obviously dying to hang out with this modern-day Romeo, who is definitely not a cr33p, she ditches their “date” and goes out with her gal pals instead. After getting intoxicated because that’s the only way she’ll sleep with Gunnar, she shows up at his door again and he cries about how she only wants to have sex. He’ll probably write a song about it one day but until then, you are a loser, Gunnar.

The woman Gunnar is actually longing for in his bed is still in Nebraska or wherever the hell she grew up in middle America with that lounge singer mom of hers, who remains dead but is still haunting us. Please go peacefully to eternal rest now, Bev and stop reincarnating in ghost memory form. The gist of Scarlett and Deacon this week is that they’re still sad about Bev’s shitty life but then they feel a little better because her friends at the lounge really loved her and miss her. Scarlett performs a Bev original at her memorial and surprise, surprise, Deacon closes his eyes for a minute too long and when the camera pans back, there’s Bev singing a couple verses. THIS BETTER BE HER SWAN SONG…FOR REAL THIS TIME. On the way back to Nashville Deacon calls his sponsor, who owns a struggling bar and asks if he can buy in JUST so he can rename it The Beverly. Deacon says this with such pride like he had the greatest light bulb of an idea and not like it’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard. We’re gonna have an alcoholic buy a bar just so he can name it after the sister whose death he’s inadvertently responsible for. Good call.

Keeping tune with decisions one will come to regret, Maddie is grounded and has her phone taken away for getting boned by Colt in a backstage trailer going onstage to sing with Juliette. She spends her time on probation doodling hearts around her and Colt’s names like someone in a mature sexual relationship would do. Her idol Marcus Keen—who has now forced Rayna to produce his album—tells Maddie she crushed it onstage and gives her a fist bump, which gives Maddie the right to revert back to her surly asshole days because she thinks her punishment is undeserving.

Marcus plays a song for Rayna then tries to fire her like she’s Avery 2.0 because she gives him feedback like a producer would do. Since Rayna is a gem and knows how to communicate with people, she finally gets through to the diva and wants to show him Maddie & Daphne’s interpretation of his song so he can stop being such a buhhole about country music. Daphne doesn’t want to sing because biddies talked shit about her the last time she did, so Maddie more than willingly rips the spotlight from her sister and performs it solo. She also steals Daphne’s celly later to call her boo, who was bored on his dad’s tour and therefore low-key got hammered by himself and stumbles up to his room to get rid of the spinsies. But seriously, no one is a more low-key drunk than Colt, whose only sign of being intoxicated is that he looks more confused than he usually does under that stupid shaggy hair of his.

And now onto our main event, the hot mess express that goes from 100 to 1 million real quick. (Obviously the phrase is 0 to 100 but she got shot up with tranquilizers recently so realistically girl has never been at 0.) At the beginning of tonight’s episode Juliette sits in a dark room crying, probably over her grossly chipped nails, then throws on some aviators and a hoodie to leave the hotel. As she’s walking across the lobby and everyone’s staring at her as if they’ve never had greasy hair that needed to be hidden before, one brave fan approaches asking for a selfie. I guess Juliette must not have been in the selfie mood because she drops the fan like a MF’er and screams and beats the shit out of her. Thank God the fan didn’t have a selfie stick as I can only imagine how quickly that would’ve been fashioned into a weapon. Either way, this fan beat down was the most exciting thing to happen in Nashville all season. It was like a world star hip-hop video in my living room as my dad and I oohed and aahed and yelled OH SHIT (that was just me.) I love watching a good girl fight from a safe distance. It was like WWE Smackdown all up in that hotel lobby and I was more than happy to pop some popcorn and watch scary Juliette with glee.

Anyway, I’m getting distracted…Luke tries to figure out why Juliette has suddenly turned into the Hulk and she responds like a teen being punished–yells LEAVE ME ALONE and shuts herself in the bathroom with a bottle of vodka. Jeff follows Luke and takes a different approach with her, a little good cop, bad cop parenting, if you will… he basically tells her she’s a waste of life and when she hurls herself at him and tries to rape him he tells her she was a one-time broom closet bang. Boom, bad copped.

Side note: I hate that Jeff is like turning his life around and trying to be a gentleman now and I’m on his side. When he delivered that sick burn to Juliette I was like YEAH, then I thought back to how he drugged his current girlfriend and left her to die facedown in his swimming pool and I’m like uh?

But whatever, he’s gunning for CEO of Luke’s new label thing with the woman whose name I still don’t know. He promises to clean this Juliette disaster up if he can get the job. Then Layla sees claw marks on his chest and immediately assumes he slept with Juliette because trust is the #1 pillar in their relationship and he informs her they’re going to move in together once he gets this job. Because when you don’t have trust in a relationship you fix it by moving to the next level. And obviously something seems like a red flag here but he gets the assaulted fan to make a public apology admitting she’s been stalking and harassing Juliette and she deserved to get several haymakers to the face and body while she lie helpless on the hotel lobby floor. So all in all, win win for everybody.

Meanwhile, Juliette mixes up a nice cocktail of uppers, downers and vodka in her room, texts Avery (who has finally been convinced by Glenn to cut her off emotionally) “I’m sorry” and goes for a little walksie on the roof. Right as she’s about to stumble off the edge, Jeff finds her, pulls her back and THEN TUMBLES TO HIS DEATH. I mean, logically I should have seen this coming as Oliver Hudson is the lead actor on a show that people actually watch and therefore probably didn’t have time to keep flying out to Nashville to film a few scenes every week…yet at the same time I wouldn’t have predicted them killing him off. Naturally just as we start to like Jeff he’s offed and I have to ask God WHYYYYY wasn’t it Zoey?!?! Or Scarlett….Or Gunnar…Really the list could go on for miles. Oh yeah, Colt witnessed this whole slow motion death scene from his balcony where he was gulping some fresh air because baby bitch can’t hold his alcohol. While his dad has relations with no-name PR or whatever lady who was REAL adamant about not mixing business and pleasure but it’s okay because Luke fired her and will rehire her in the morning after he’s been inside her all night. She really stood her ground on that one. What a strong female character.

PS Cadence, or in Will’s words “Cady” appears twice in this episode and neither time she is wailing…she even smiles once. THINGS ARE LOOKING UP FOR OUR EARS. Also if you feel like I never write about Will it’s because his story hasn’t changed in 3 weeks. He still hates being gay and would like to continue to flirt with women in public while his gay fans stay 40-60 feet away from him at all times.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Stop the World (And Let Me Off)”

Last week Juliette asked a probably unlicensed doctor to show up at her hotel room and shoot her up with illegal drugs and as you might have predicted, she comes to looking like a bag of assholes. Apparently looking at her roughsicle face in the mirror is enough of a scare tactic to whip her back into shape as she flushes more drugs and lets her husband know what her new number is. Of course she sends a little texty-text around the same time that Avery is finally signing those divorce papers. Unrelated side note: Hey Avery, you’re a single dad…maybe time to do away with the college dorm poster of DMB on the bedroom wall. Anyway, Juliette also calls Emily and leaves a monotone shitty apology on her voicemail. Neither of them responds to her outreach so naturally Juliette assumes her phone is broken, a logical conclusion from a really terrible human being. Also I would like to add that the only scene Cadence is in tonight, she is wailing at an ear shattering level. I’m sorry, that was far too kind of me, my actual note from the episode read, “IN BREAKING NEWS, CADENCE IS F***KING CRYING!” I find that my note in the moment more properly portrays that this baby is the worst one on this planet.

Something that actually entertained me on this show—I know, it’s been awhile since I’ve been able to truthfully admit that—was the return of the Maddie & Colt saga. Their once incestual teenage love has survived an almost marriage of their parents, Deacon walking in on them canoodling and now they’re forced to go through the toughest obstacle of all, Colt’s shitty hair. It’s like, I understand what Colt is trying to do with his long, messy locks, but then at the same time I’m angered by the way he clearly tried to copy Tim Riggin’s sex hair and yet failed so miserably. Ugh, I could seriously puke over his hair all day but I guess it’s important to note that Maddie must actually be turned on by his hair identity crisis—maybe it’s the absence of his usual backward hat? —Anyway the two of them jet off to catch a Luke Wheeler show and sneak some sex times. Luke leaves these two horndogs alone for like 2 seconds and Maddie pounces on Colt just to be like LETS NOT RUSH THINGS.

In her time of need, as most young girls usually do, Maddie thinks, WWJD, and turns to someone who makes nothing but the best decisions in her life, Juliette, of course. Juliette shows her how to cut loose by doing some lines in her dressing room, JK she invites Maddie onstage for a duet of Telescope. They’ve got kind of a Pistol Annie’s vibe and I’m diggin it but Rayna obv will not. Even better, while Luke is onstage performing the hell out of Will & Kevin’s song (that they can’t sing themselves because they’re gay), lil Maddie and lil Colt are knocking boots in his trailer. ROMANCE ISN’T DEAD. Luke disciplines Maddie by sending her on a private flight straight home but he’s a day late and a hymen short. Luke also punishes Juliette with a cold, hard truth bomb, “Don’t go trying to play cool mom with somebody else’s kid just because you’ve abandoned your own.” OHHH SHIIIIIIITTTTT. SUCK IT, JULIETTTTTEEEEEEE. PS I also loved it a lot when Luke was clearly trying to be the cool dad and took a selfie with the kids “to show how much fun we’re having.” I didn’t know that Luke was a 14 year old at a slumber party trying to social media shame anyone who wasn’t invited, but it was laugh out loud funny.

Much less interesting than losing one’s virginity in the back of a tour bus voluntarily, is the fact that Gunnar is the saddest excuse for a man ever in TV history. He claims he felt a spark with Emily when they both grabbed for the milk that morning and the gays are like SOS we need to get you laid on this road trip. They try to hook him up with a roadie on the Wheels Up tour and Gunnar has a mouth stroke where the words “I’m not gay but it’s ok if you are” come out several times in some form or the other. The girl scampers away because she was probably drier than the Sahara just from being near to Gunnar and his lame wad ways. They run into each other again later where he stupidly dribbles, “pretty girls make me nervous” like the kid in class who always licked the glue stick. Needless to say this didn’t make her hot and bothered but for whatever reason, Juliette fires her and suddenly she’s horny for Gunnar. They fornicate in the backseat on the trip back to Nashville. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I welcome the return of Micah if it means we no longer have to put up with this shell of a character. I don’t know if you realize the severity of the statement I just made. MICAH WAS THE WORST. AND I WOULD PREFER TO HAVE HIM BACK. OVER GUNNAR CIRCLING THE DRAIN IN THE TOILET THAT IS HIS LOVE LIFE.

Ok, we got worked up there; let’s bring it back down with Deacon and Scarlett fi-nuh-ley making amends. They’re packing up Bev’s house together and Scarlett finally grows a backbone to tell Deacon to stop being such a dick. Also she gets drunk, which is stupid and does nothing for their reunion, obviously because Deacon is a sauce monster. Double also, there are two too many creepy hologram quality flashbacks of Bev. DIE AWAY FROM US, BEV. SERIOUSLY. DON’T EVER SHOW YOUR FACE ON NASHVILLE OR ABC EVER AGAIN.

Someone else who has been getting a surprising amount of face time lately for having two leading roles on primetime shows is Jeff Fordham. He’s still suspiciously playing boyfriend of the year to Layla, and now that they swapped spit in public, everyone has found out, including Mama Bear Rayna who does NOT approve. Rayna has Layla over to her in-home recording studio to tell her that Jeff is terrible and dating him is a poor life choice. They bicker over music and porking partner preferences before Layla comes to her senses and confesses that she still loves Jeff even though he treats her like poop stuck to the bottom of his shoe. Rayna’s all, there’s your hit song, girlfraaannnnn! And so she writes another kind of snoozey song while Jeff vies for a new job with that character whose name I never learned who is trying to turn Luke into the next Jay-Z. Pishh. Unfortunately this character is very strongly against mixing business with pleasure (I mean she won’t even let Luke throw it in her) so she’s less than welcoming to Jeff and his incessant need to always find pleasure in his business, if you know what I mean.

My great hope for Hottie McRocker Marcus in being a fabulous new love interest is kind of lost this week when Marcus joins the lineup of horrific people in Nashville. He shows up to his first day with Avery late then prefers to entertain rather than do his job. Avery takes the lull as an opportunity to call everyone in his phonebook and wah-wah over Juliette. Mood swing Marcus isn’t into this phone tree and has a meltdown, compares Avery to a teenage girl texting for their whole session and then promptly fires him. I’m like 90% sure that this is Marcus’s last episode so chances are he’ll go quietly into the Highway 65 grave but Avery does not handle the firing well. He sticks his fingers in his ears and stomps his feet and throws a full-on Cadence-level tantrum for Emily about how he’s a big, smelly loser. While Avery is knocking shit over and crying about his life, Juliette is finally realizing that she needs him back. Thank GAWD when they finally meet Avery sacks up and tells her it’s too late and he’s filed for divorce and will be requesting full custody of Cadence. Why? Save your ears. I should be saving my eyes from this show, but I’m not one to quit mid-series so easily. Either way, the dumpster fire that is Juliette’s life will likely (fingers crossed…it’s been an eternity) explode next week and one can only hope that the story lines will improve from there.

The Salty Ju

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Tag Archives: Nashville

Nashville- “What I Cannot Change”

Nashville- “If I Could Do It All Again”

Nashville- “How Does It Feel To Be Free”

Nashville- “Forever and For Always”

Nashville- “We’ve Got Nothing But Love To Prove”

Nashville- “Three’s A Crowd”

Nashville- “Unguarded Moments”

Nashville- “Can’t Get Used to Losing You”

Nashville- “Please Help Me, I’m Fallin”

Nashville- “Stop the World (And Let Me Off)”