“You are the bachelorette, and you are the bachelorette right now.”-Chris Harrison

The first fifteen minutes of this season were dedicated to JoJo staring at the ocean in 5 different outfits (one of them a bikini, her body’s like oookk, whatever) and getting “advice” from former bachelorettes. Kaitlyn’s advice was don’t sleep with a slimeball on TV. JK, she didn’t DIRECTLY say that. But she DID look like a baller in her leather high tops. (I didn’t watch Ali or Desiree’s season and therefore I have no comments for their lame advice.) The ladies ask JoJo if she’s ready to get engaged and she gives a HARD YES. This is why this show is garbage. Oh, and also because we’ve wrangled the largest group of losers I’ve ever seen. JoJo is a knockout smokeshow; unleashing her tits for night one and this is the crack team they’ve assembled to sweep her off her feet? Gimme a break. Let’s go man by man. If you notice someone is missing, it’s because they did nothing noteworthy or I was too busy drinking my sparkly pink wine to notice they existed.

Grant the firefighter.

Came in HOT (pun intended) with a, “I hope that JoJo is the one that lights my fire.” Ruined it immediately when he exits the limo and tells her that he won’t fall in love with more than one woman like Ben did…he’ll just love her. No shit, Grant. There’s only ONE Bachelorette (may the season of Britt/Kaitlyn RIP), also way to remind her that Ben didn’t love her as much as Lauren. Strike 1.

Jordan, Aaron Rodgers Jr.

Jordan gets an opening bit where he tosses the football around in the pouring rain and talks about how he’s jelly of his bro. His last relationship failed because he loved football more and he really contemplates this in that tight Henley of his as fat droplets of water threaten to ruin his floppy head of hair. Jordan’s the first one out the limo and JoJo essentially creams herself. He’s smooth and tells her that his parents met and got engaged quickly and have been married for 37 years. Later, they have a nice chat and he bitches out on the smooch so he circles back for it and JoJo melts away and slobbers over his tight butt and how she needs to do squats. He gets the first impression rose and that’s obvious. He also has erect hair while he receives said rose.

Alex US Marine.

Alex‘s twin is also a marine and I’m a little concernicus that when Alex points out how he wants a wife just like his twin’s that he isn’t just suggesting a sister wives scenario so they can have exactly matching lives. Other fun fact about Alex? He’s REAL short. I didn’t really notice this until his feet were dangling off the couch as he chatted it up with JoJo. Then JoJo sits on his back while he does pushups. It would’ve been cute if she wasn’t swaying around and looking like she was doing butt stuff.

 

James the Bachelor Superfan.

James does a shirtless intro in the mountains and admits he watches the Bachelor with his mom. He’s a real wiener.

 

Evan the erectile dysfunction guy.

“A lot of what I do is just pumping up my guys and getting them excited.” You’re barf.com, Evan and your hair is even worse IRL. He didn’t really do anything memorable with JoJo BUT he DID get his belly button poked. Hard. Multiple times. By another man.

Ali the Bartender.

Ali’s parents are from Iran and all his siblings are doctors. He’s crushing it with mixed drinks though, apparently. And surfing. And catching catfishers on MTV. The first night, he steps out of the limo with creepy wide eyes and probably cuts a lock of JoJo’s hair when he hugs her. Later he tickles the ivories for her because pianos just magically appear outside by the pool.

Christian the IT Guy?

I don’t actually remember what Christian does but he likes working out at 330 in the morning so I know I would never get along with him. He’s biracial and grew up without a father because his white fam was racist as hell. Still not sure why he’s raising two brothers that look like they could be in college, but I’m guessing it has to do with the dad drama. He seems chill and fairly normal. I can’t recall anything he did at the actual mansion.

Luke the War Veteran

is a farmer and basically recites the lyrics to small town girl in his opener. Seriously I could’ve been hammered if I drank every time he said “small town”. JK it wouldn’t have been possible with the rosé I was drinking with 6% alcohol. It shouldn’t even be legal to sell wine with no alcohol in it, honestly. Anyway, there’s something that still makes me feel the uncomfies about Luke but he DOES nail the limo exit by riding up on a unicorn horse. It’s cute and unique but does he have a lazy eye? Or what is it that’s creeping me out about Luke? Oh, I know…He describes Ben Higgins as a “soft, supple, smooth guy” Hey ladies, you know how you all hate the word moist? SUPPLE IS MUCH MUCH WORSE. Luke also Gives JoJo legit cowboy boots and I got a flare of jealousy. Then went back to being weirded out by Luke and his supple body.

Derek the commercial banker.

If you’ll recall I swooned hard over this guy mostly just from his pic. Baby blues for days. Unfortunately he was boring as hell last night. He called himself a nerd and was real nervsies. Get it together, Derek. WE NEED YOU.

Robby the swimmer

came with a bottle of wine and tells JoJo to drink from the bottle true to Fletcher family tradition. I like his style here except that he whisper talks and reminds me a touch of a serial killer. He also looks like CGI, so I’m pretty much out on Robby. Good effort.

Will (my kinda #1 pick)

stepped out of the limo and dropped cards as part of a dumb bit. It fell flat. But not as flat as when he started unsolicited kissing JoJo via a cootie catcher. YIKES I’m done with Will. I apologize for ever steering you wrong but I’m not down with lip raping.

Chad

was weird and talked REAL close then got jelly of everyone else for the rest of the night because that’s what men who say their greatest achievement is “being born good looking” do.

Daniel the Canadian male model.

His first words out of the limo are “Damn JoJo, back at it again with the Bachelorette” and it is terrible. He has to explain what Damn Daniel is to her later. Rule number one of comedy, always explain your jokes to death until you get a pity laugh. DAMN DANIEL, YOU’RE HILARIOUS. Daniel then drowns himself in alcohol probably because he relied on a snapchat joke a couple of fourteen year olds created to find his wife. He pokes the ED guy in the belly button a few times, then he strips naked for a quick dip.

James Taylor

is the guitar guy and comes out of the limo singing something dumb and I want him to go away immediately. He goes on about how they’re both from Texas. Except Texas is a massive state and cowboy Luke is working that angle as well.

Jonathan

declares, “I’m half Scottish below the waist” whilst wearing a kilt, therefore squashing all small dick assumptions because he’s Asian. Then he makes it rapey by adding that he’s not wearing any panties. PANTIES. Byebyebyebyebyebye. He sits in the mansion with his legs wide open and this season’s black bar already gets a workout.

Nick

is dressed as Santa and gives JoJo a gift from his sack. Instead of saying hohoho, he says JoJoJoJo and I want to chop my ears off and put them in a blender. JoJo sits on his lap, HASHTAG PEDOPHILE. She’s like this should be creepy but it’s totally not. It totally is, JoJo. Then she pulls back his beard to reveal his face drowning in sweat and is like it’s probably best if you keep this on, St. Nick.

Chase the medical sales rep

wears a fake stache and uses the “I mustache you a question but I think I’m going to shave it for later.” Graphic tees all over the world rejoice.

Sal

gives JoJo blue balls to squeeze.

 

Coley

tells a cheesy real estate joke and talks about how his nieces/nephews call him Uncle Co. And tries to sell that they could be Co and Jo. How about no?

Brandon the hipster

is SO gross. He proves he is absolutely not a hipster when he tosses an overplayed “Damn Daniel” into the breeze as Daniel dives into the pool. HIPSTERS DON’T WATCH VIRAL VIDEOS, BRANDON YOU FRAUD. Also what a blow to have Coley and Brandon get out of the limo B2B. JoJo was probably like will I ever find an attractive male again?

Nick S. the bandanna wearing dog

drops into a split upon meeting JoJo then proceeds to get sloppy drunk.

Vinny the barber

gives her a piece of toast then thinks he’s auditioning for the Jersey Shore, gets hammered and crashes JoJo’s confessional. Act like you’ve ever drank before, bruh.

Peter the dirt stache

gives her a stuffed heart and wants to be her MCM.

James F. the boxer trying to be actor

spars with JoJo a little bit but what really makes him stand out is his stance on belly poking: “You never poke another man’s belly button.”

Wells

uses his radio DJ connects to bring out All-4-One to serenade JoJo with “I Swear”. She doesn’t even know who they are but she eats that shit right up. It then gets a touch annoying when they follow him around all night and won’t stop harmonizing and snapping.

PLOT TWIST: During the rose ceremony, Jake Pavelka rolls in, and he’s apparently a “close family friend.” CLOSE like JoJo’s brothers are with her orrrr? Anyway, he just thought this would be an opportune time to tell her how important it is to find love and give some family friendly advice. And you know, collect another ABC paycheck. THANKS JAKE!! You can take your dad jokes and go home now.

Roses: Jordan, Luke, Wells, James Taylor, Grant, Derek, Christian, Chad, Chase, Alex, Robby, Brandon, James F., Ali, Nick, Will, James S., Vinny, Evan, Daniel (ugh the OP/Tony of this season)

Teaser for the season: Jordan probably wins, and apparently Chad turns into a real psychopath and there’s a fight with a LOT of blood. Hey guys, remember when Leah got punched in the face? Yeah, me neither. Nice try, ABC. I don’t trust your sizzle reels for a G-D second. What I do trust is that Chad is a weirdo because I called it so hard. What sane person writes “me in 10 years, alright, alright, alright” as an answer to three separate question? Psychopaths.